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Raymond-Raymond
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Karma: 0 |  | DTBL episode 54: Sea of Troubles, Part II
« Result #1 on Nov 9, 2009, 2:54pm » | ![[Quote]](http://s4.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
Part 2
The scene fades back up on the pool later that evening. Toot and Marty hang out in the water at the end of the pool chatting while Spanky sits in a pool chair talking to Dennis Franz, both of them in swim trunks. Spanky is fiddling with a fishing rod.
Spanky: Just watch, Dennis. I'm going to catch something this time. I swear I am.
Dennis: Spanky, how are you going to catch fish in a pool?
Spanky: I hooked up the pool's filter system to the rest of the ship's piping, which I capped with a new larger filter so as to allow fish to trickle into the pool from the ocean.
Dennis: Oh, of course.
Toot: Is that what I felt biting my toes earlier?
Marty: No, that was me.
Toot: Oh, okay.
Spanky casts his rod.
Dennis: You know, Spanky, when we were filming an episode of NYPD Blue, which as I'm sure you'll remember, I was a cast member on-
Spanky: You were going to work that in at some point, weren't you?
Dennis: Yeah, well, my residual checks are running out and I need some more work. But anyway, we were doing an episode where Sipowicz decided to retire and become a fisherman. But I cast my rod to catch a fish and I ended up hooking a murderer instead! Do you remember that one?
Spanky: Not really. Did you show your naked butt in it?
Dennis: No.
Spanky: That's why I don't remember it, then. (Just then, Spanky feels a tug on his line.) Ooh, I got something! I stopped using the shiny lure, so it's probably not Wooldoor this time. (Spanky proceeds to reel in his catch. He pulls back the rod to reveal a light green bikini top.) Ooh! Nice! (Spanky takes the top off the hook.) A bikini top! (He starts to look around lasciviously.) Hmm, so where's the newly topless woman this belongs to?
Spanky glances to his right. The smile immediately leaves his face. We see Xandir walk up to Spanky using his hands to cover his breasts.
Xandir: You bastard!
Xandir slaps Spanky in the face, takes back his bikini top, and stalks off. Dennis turns to Spanky, who is rubbing his jaw.
Dennis: You just going to take that from her? If some chick did that to Sipowicz, he would have responded by giving her a good, firm smack on the bottom!
Spanky: Yeah, I can't do that with this chick. She'd like it.
Dennis nods in acknowledgement. The scene cuts to another part of the pool, where Wooldoor and UFG, both in swimwear, sit on pool chairs talking. Wooldoor is holding her hands.
Wooldoor: Don't worry, Mandy. Everything will be fine. I'll get you out of this mess, I promise. I know some people. It shouldn't be any trouble getting this marriage of yours annulled.
UFG: Thank you, Wooldoor. But isn't it too late for that?
Wooldoor: What do you mean?
UFG: Smack Daddy and I have already consummated the relationship.
Wooldoor: So? I can still get you the annulment.
UFG: But Wooldoor, you're a priest. Doesn't the church frown on that?
Wooldoor: Well, yeah, but... well, sometimes, Mandy, it's more important to do what's right than to just strictly follow the rules.
UFG: Ah. That explains a lot.
At that moment, Clara walks up behind Wooldoor.
Clara: All right, Wooldoor. Let's just get this over with.
Wooldoor: (turning to Clara, confused) Get what over with?
Clara: Well, I'm in my swimsuit which means I'm showing my legs AND my cleavage. Plus, I'm barefoot again and carrying that smutty book, and my hair STILL smells like berries. And to top it all off, Ling-Ling and I just had sex and enjoyed it immensely, and I'm not even pregnant from it!
Wooldoor: Um... good for you, Clara?
UFG: (to Wooldoor) What's she talking about, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I don't know. (He ignores Clara and turns his full attention on UFG once more.) So anyway, Mandy, was Smack Daddy better in bed than Captain Hero? It doesn't really matter, cause once I turn legal, I'm going to beat them both!
Clara looks at Wooldoor in confusion, then raises her eyebrows. Realizing that Wooldoor is officially over his religious kick, she smiles slightly and shrugs, then walks over to another part of the pool. She sits down in a chair near the part of the pool where Toot and Marty are swimming.
Toot: So where's Ling-Ling?
Clara: Oh, he'll be along shortly. Right now he's apologizing to Hello Kitty for giving her a communicable disease.
Marty: Wait. The doll got a disease from Ling-Ling? But when- I mean... how-
Toot: Marty, you should know better by now than to ask things like that.
Marty: You're right. I should. (He looks back at Clara again.) So do you know how Hero and Foxxy made out?
Clara: In the most R-rated fashion possible, I'm sure.
Marty: No, I mean, did they settle their differences? (Clara gets up. Still holding her book, she walks over to the edge of the pool. She sits down and puts her feet in the water.)
Clara: I think so. I didn't ask a lot of questions, but things seem to be okay between them now.
Toot: Oh, good.
Marty: So what about the wedding? Are they still having it?
Clara: I don't know. But they've cancelled the rehearsal for the time being.
Toot: I'm not surprised. (At that moment, Toot jumps up slightly excitedly.) Ooh! (She looks at Marty seductively.) Someone's toes getting a little frisky all of a sudden?
Marty: I didn't touch you, Toot. Why, did you feel something? (Toot brow furrows. She looks over at Spanky in annoyance.)
Toot: Goddammit, Spanky!
We see that Spanky has put the fishing rod down. He and Dennis are now playing cards.
Spanky: What?
Toot: (sighing) Never mind. (Spanky turns back to the card game.)
Spanky: Got any fours?
Dennis: Go fish.
Spanky: Okay. (Spanky picks up his fishing rod again.)
Dennis: No, Spanky.
Spanky: Oh, right.
The scene cuts back over to Toot.
Toot: Okay, so if it wasn't Marty touching me, and it wasn't Spanky's fishing rod, then what was it I felt getting thrust up my-
At that moment, there is a giant splash. A dolphin suddenly surfaces in the pool right between Toot and Marty.
Dolphin: Kee-kee-kee-kee-keeeeeee!
Clara: Oh, my!
Marty: What the crap?
Toot: How did that thing make it through the filter?
The camera quickly cuts over to Wooldoor. He and UFG are playing pattycake- literally. He sees the dolphin. An extremely excited look forms in his eyes.
Wooldoor: Oh, boy! This is what I've been waiting for! (He springs up from his chair. Suddenly holding a fork in one hand, a bottle of hot sauce in the other, and wearing a bib around his neck, he jumps into the water.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
While Toot, Marty, and Clara look at the scene in complete confusion, Wooldoor dives toward the dolphin. He jumps onto the dolphin's back and tries to pour hot sauce onto its head. However, the dolphin bucks, sending Wooldoor tumbling, and makes a beeline toward the other end of the pool. Wooldoor takes off after it, accidentally bumping into Clara's leg in the process and causing her book to be sent flying toward the other end of the pool.
Toot: Oh, no, Clara! Your book! Want me to go get it for you and try to dry it out?
Clara: Eh, don't bother. I was getting kind of tired of it anyway. The more I read of that thing, the more glad I am to be married.
Wooldoor swims back up to the group from the other end of the pool.
Toot: So did you catch it?
Wooldoor: (disappointed) No. He swam through the other filter and got away.
Marty: Wait. Other filter? But how can-
Toot: Marty...
Marty: You're right. Never mind.
The camera cuts to Xandir swimming at the other end of the pool in his bikini. He is attempting to do water acrobatics.
Xandir: Ooh! Ooh! I almost nailed that toe pointy move! Now I'm one step closer to Fernando and me entering next year's synchronized swimming competition! (He sees an object floating up to him in the pool.) What's this? (He picks it up. It is Clara's book.) "He's Just Not That Into You"? (He pumps his fist.) Score!
Without even getting out of the water first, Xandir begins eagerly reading the book. The scene fades. It fades back up on Foxxy and Hero's cabin. Hero is in bed already while Foxxy is getting ready for bed.
Foxxy: You hungry, Hero? I have some spaghetti left over. Since you's already out of your clothes, you don't have to take them off to eat it!
Hero: I'm glad we've reached the point where we can joke about things like that. (He pauses for a moment, then becomes slightly worried.) Although it does make me a little troubled that there was apparently a huge spaghetti feast on this ship that I somehow seem to have missed. (Foxxy walks over to Hero holding a take-out box of spaghetti. She hands it to him, and as Hero begins eating it, she gets into bed herself. Hero holds out a forkful of spaghetti to Foxxy.) Want some?
Foxxy: That's okay. But thank you, though. (Hero nods and resumes eating the spaghetti.) Although now that I think about it, it probably wouldn't make a difference at this point if you DID get your tux dirty. You know, seeing as it don't seem we'll be having the wedding any time soon.
Hero: (looking slightly disappointed) Right. (He sighs. There is a pause for a moment. Foxxy turns the TV on and begins flipping through the channels. However, Hero remains still, seemingly doing some thinking. After a moment, he looks over at Foxxy.) Well... since you brought it up, we might as well discuss it.
Foxxy: Discuss what?
Hero: The wedding.
Foxxy: Right. (Foxxy turns off the TV and puts the remote on the nightstand next to her.)
Hero: What are we going to do about the wedding, Foxxy? (Foxxy looks down, not sure what to say.) We are still having it, right? I still want to get married. Don't you?
Foxxy: (looking at Hero now) Yes, Hero. Of course I do. No, we'll definitely still have the wedding at some point.
Hero: At some point?
Foxxy: Yeah. At some point.
Hero: Just not right now.
Foxxy: Well... just look at how much trouble we've gone through the last few days. I think maybe this was God's way of telling us this was not the time.
Hero: Maybe not.
Foxxy: So, yes, Hero. I definitely still want to get married at some point. But at this point, I think it would be best if we just forgot about the wedding for the time being and just relaxed and tried to enjoy the rest of the cruise. Then once we get back home, we'll give ourselves a little time and then maybe once things are back on more solid ground... we'll start discussing it again.
Hero: I guess maybe you're right. (He sighs.) It's just too bad, though. This tropical setting would have made an awesome backdrop for a wedding.
Foxxy: Yeah. (She pauses for a moment.) Yeah, it would.
There is another momentary silence. Hero continues eating his spaghetti while Foxxy picks the remote back up and begins flipping channels again. Suddenly, a thought crosses Foxxy's mind. A sly smile crosses her lips. She turns off the TV and puts down the remote, then turns to Hero.
Foxxy: Oh, Captain Hero?
Hero: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: You know, a thought just occurred to me. Since the wedding is off now... (She looks at him seductively.) It means that we can bring this stupid no-sex pact to an end!
Hero's face lights up. As Foxxy continues to give him a seductive smile, Hero raises up in bed and smiles lasciviously back at her. However, he quickly changes expressions back to a more somber one. He slinks back to his previous spot. Foxxy looks confused.
Hero: No, that's okay, Foxxy. I think I'll wait.
Foxxy: (not understanding at all) Really? You don't want to have sex now? But this is what you've been harassing me for practically the entire cruise!
Hero: I know, Foxxy. But now that I think about it... you were right. I don't want our relationship to be about nothing but the sex. I love you, Foxxy, and I want to prove that I love you enough to keep this pact. It's okay. I can be strong. As long as I have your love and companionship, that's good enough for me. I can get by without the sex until the wedding.
Foxxy: But Hero, we have no idea how long that's going to be. It could still be MONTHS before we have the wedding.
Hero: That's okay, Foxxy. I can wait.
Foxxy: Are you sure?
Hero: I'm sure.
Foxxy: You're definitely not tempted to have sex? Not even a little?
Hero: Nope. Not at all.
Foxxy: Even if I do this?
Without missing a beat, Foxxy reaches her hand under the covers. Hero is very much taken aback, but the look on his face makes it clear that he is quite
excited.
Foxxy: So you like the groping, do you? You want to have sex now?
Hero: I do like the groping, I have to admit. (He looks at her with the same serious expression.) But I'm still going to have to say no on the sex thing.
Foxxy looks at Hero questioningly. He gives her a determined but reassuring look. She smiles at him. He smiles back. Hero returns to his spaghetti. Foxxy puts down the remote and snuggles back into bed with a very satisfied look on her face. The scene fades.
The scene fades back up on a long shot of the ship. It is now the following morning. The sun is shining, and seagulls can be heard in the distance. The scene changes to Hero and Foxxy's cabin. The two of them are both sound asleep. Hero has his arm around Foxxy. As the two continue to sleep peacefully, a very faint clamor of voices can begin to be heard in the background. As the camera lingers on Hero and Foxxy's faces, the voices start to grow more audible. Finally, the door flies open. Several people burst into the room.
Wooldoor: Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Wake up! Wake up! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Guys! Guys! Guys! Wake up!
Hero and Foxxy begin to stir. Both very irritated, they open their eyes.
Foxxy: Wooldoor, what the hell? I thought I told you we didn't want no wake up call!
Wooldoor: Guys! Guys! Guys! Something very important's come up!
Hero: (slightly cranky) Just give us a minute, okay, Wooldoor?
Hero and Foxxy straighten up in bed. They see that the entire gang is standing in their cabin.
Foxxy: Uh... can we help you?
Spanky: Goddammit, they're not naked! (He turns to the others angrily.) What was the point of just barging in without knocking if they're not going to be naked?
Hero: Spanky, can this wait? Look, now that the wedding is off for the moment, Foxxy and I are trying to relax and just enjoy the cruise. So if it's okay with you guys, we'd like to sleep in for a bit, then get dressed at our leisure and go down and have breakfast. Whatever it is you guys have to say can wait until then, I'm sure.
Clara: No, actually, it can't.
Hero looks at Foxxy. She sighs. Hero sits back down on the bed and looks at the others begrudgingly.
Foxxy: Fine. What is it, y'all?
Toot: We just docked, you guys! We're in Hawaii now!
Foxxy: That's ridiculous! We ain't scheduled to land in Hawaii for another week!
Clara: Well, we won't be officially stopping at the main island until then. But apparently there's this dinky little island in the northern part of the state where the ship always stops to stock up on supplies before heading on to the main island.
Toot: That's where we are right now!
Hero: Right, and...?
Toot: Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. Do you guys not see it at ALL?
Foxxy: See what, Toot?
Toot: You guys... you can have your WEDDING!
Foxxy: Say what now?
Toot: You can have your wedding right there on the beach! Seriously, we all went out and looked at it. It would be the PERFECT spot!
Clara: Right! But the ship's only going to be docked for two more hours. So if you want to have this wedding, you don't have time to sleep in. You need to get your asses up and get ready for it NOW!
Hero and Foxxy look at each other.
Hero: Well... what do you think, Foxxy?
Foxxy: I don't know. It COULD work.
Hero: Right, but... remember all the trouble we got into rushing into things before? This would totally be rushing into things even worse!
Foxxy: Right, it would... but... (She looks at Hero, then at the others, then back at Hero once more.)
Hero: But...?
Foxxy: But... (Foxxy collects herself and looks at the others.) Screw that! (The others all start to become excited. Foxxy looks at Hero again.) Let's do it, Hero. Let's go get married today.
Hero: You're not worried about being too hasty?
Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero. It's true that sometimes you can get burned rushing into things too soon. But sometimes... you just have to take risks, you know? You have to strike while the opportunity is there. So maybe this is a bit rash, but... I want to get married on the beach!
Hero: Yay! Me too!
Foxxy: (to the others) Go get ready, y'all! As soon as Hero and me can make it down there, we're going to have our wedding on the beach!
Spanky: Yeah, you are!
Clara: Wait. How should we dress for this? Are we just going to wear our formal clothes on the beach? Won't that get awfully uncomfortable?
Foxxy: You can leave off the shoes, Clara.
Clara: (smiling) All right, I'm in! (She turns to Foxxy and Hero.) Okay, then. We'll leave you two to go get dressed, then. See you on the beach in about 15 minutes?
Foxxy: Make it 20. There's something Hero and I need to do first.
Hero: Oh?
Spanky: (grinning) Oh?
Foxxy: (not amused) Not THAT.
Spanky: (disappointed) Oh.
As Foxxy and Hero get out of bed, the others file out of the cabin.
Ling-Ling: (as they leave) Carla, is it okay if Ling-Ling bring Hello Kitty to wedding? He think he kind of owe it to her after accidentally giving her chicken pox.
Clara: I suppose, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: By the way, Carla, once Hello Kitty chicken pox get better... Carla familiar with thing called... menage a trois?
Clara: (blushing) Oh, my!
The others are gone. As Hero and Foxxy start to get into their wedding clothes, Hero turns to her.
Hero: So what was that thing you wanted to do before the wedding, Foxxy?
Foxxy: I think there's a last minute guest we need to invite.
Hero: Oh, really?
Cut to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin. She sits on her bed dressed in a green blouse and a skirt. Foxxy and Hero sit at a table in front of her.
UFG: Really? You want me to go to your wedding? After all the trouble I caused for you two?
Foxxy: You didn't cause any trouble, Unusually Flexible Girl. My paranoia did.
Hero: And my stupidity.
Foxxy: But we're past all that now. So I guess this isn't technically an invitation since you were technically already invited, but we just came here to let you know you don't need to feel like you have to stay away for our benefit. We seriously want you there.
UFG: Are you sure? I still think it might cause trouble.
Hero: We're sure. We wouldn't want you to miss this for the world, Mandy.
UFG: I wouldn't want to- (Suddenly, she notices something.) Wait. Did you just call me Mandy?
Hero: Yes. That's your name, isn't it?
UFG: Yes! Yes, it is! You finally got it right, Hero! (She runs up to him and throws her arms around him happily.) Thanks, Hero! You're the best! (Suddenly, she becomes fearful. She quickly lets go of Hero and turns to Foxxy apologetically.) I'm sorry, Foxxy! I didn't mean to-
Foxxy: It's all right, Mandy. Hero's your friend. You're allowed to hug him. I'm confident enough in our relationship to know that there's nothing sexual to it.
UFG stops and smiles for a moment. She then throws her arms around both of them.
UFG: Thanks, you guys. Seriously. This means the world to me.
Hero: I know.
UFG continues hugging Hero and Foxxy for a moment. Finally, she lets go of them and steps back.
UFG: Well, I guess I'd better start getting ready for the wedding, since you two seem to be having it right away! I'd better get dressed and- (Suddenly, a look of worry crosses her face.) Uh oh.
Hero: Uh oh what?
UFG: It just occurred to me. It was such a totally last minute decision to even come on this cruise... I completely forgot to pack a nice dress!
Foxxy: Well, that's okay. What you're wearing will be fine.
UFG: Really?
Foxxy: Really. You don't even have to put on shoes.
UFG: Awesome! Well, in that case, I'll see you guys on the beach in a few!
Foxxy: You will!
UFG looks at Foxxy, then at Hero, then at Foxxy again. She is on the verge of breaking into tears. Right as she is about to do so, she hugs Foxxy and Hero both once more.
UFG: Thanks again, you guys. You truly are the best friends a girl could hope for.
Foxxy: You're welcome, Mandy.
UFG: (strightening up) You know, a crisis like this not only would have broken most couples up, it would have made them completely eradicate the third person from their lives! But for it to bring out THIS kind of thing in you... maybe that's a sign that you two really are perfect for each other.
Foxxy: Thanks. I think so.
Hero: Me too.
UFG smiles and hugs Hero and Foxxy once again. As she continues hugging them, the scene fades. The scene fades back up on the beach a few minutes later. It is the middle of the wedding ceremony.
Wooldoor: And do you, Foxxy, take Hero to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love, honor, and cherish, and then do all kinds of nasty kinky stuff to after the wedding?
Foxxy: I do.
Wooldoor: And do you, Hero, take Foxxy to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, et cetera et cetera et cetera, until death or the Earth getting invaded by marriage-opposed aliens from another planet who may or may not be wearing hats do you part?
Hero: I do.
Wooldoor: Then by the powers vested in me by the state of Calif- oh, no! (Foxxy and Hero look at Wooldoor in alarm.) I just realized! We're in Hawaii! And my marriage license is based in California! I'm not authorized to marry you here!
Hero: Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
Wooldoor: Oh, whatever will we do? (Suddenly, an idea hits him.) Wait! (While the entire wedding party looks at Wooldoor with a mixture of impatience and confusion, Wooldoor grabs onto his head and proceeds to split himself in two. Both Wooldoors are wearing priest outfits. Wooldoor turns to his doppelganger.) You. Are you licensed to marry people in Hawaii?
Aloof Wooldoor: Yeah.
Wooldoor: (handing Aloof Wooldoor the Bible) Then get to it!
Aloof Wooldoor: (to Hero and Foxxy) Do you two take each other?
Foxxy: I do.
Hero: I do.
Aloof Wooldoor: Then by the powers vested in me by the state of Hawaii, I now prounounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. Whee.
As the others look on the couple with excitement and happiness, Hero turns to Foxxy and proceeds to kiss her. There is a tremendous cheer from the assembled crowd. Hero and Foxxy continue to enjoy a very long, romantic kiss. In the crowd, we see Clara and Ling-Ling look at each other and smile, then Toot and Marty do the same. Wooldoor runs up to UFG and hugs her happily while Aloof Wooldoor walks over to Denise. Her expression has not changed.
Aloof Wooldoor: So you. I'm very drawn to you for some reason. You want to do something later?
Denise: Yeah, sure.
Aloof Wooldoor: I might get lucky tonight. I'm so thrilled. Whee.
Spanky turns to Dennis Franz.
Spanky: (pointing to Hero and Foxxy) So was it like this when Sipowicz and his wife got married?
Dennis: Almost. Except I gave MY wife the tongue- oh, wait, there it is. Never mind.
As Hero and Foxxy continue to kiss very passionately, the scene fades. It fades back up on the deck of the ship some time later. The rest of the group, with the exception of Hero and Foxxy, sits on deck discussing things.
Toot: Well, that was a very nice wedding, I have to admit.
Marty: Yeah, it was.
Wooldoor: (to UFG) We should totally come back here for our wedding, Mandy! When I turn legal, that is.
UFG: Oh, I'd love that, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: (pointing to his twin) And HE can marry us!
Aloof Wooldoor: I can't wait. Whee.
Clara: You think Hero and Foxxy are going to be okay? They're going to be all alone on that island together having their honeymoon while the rest of us continue on the cruise.
Spanky: Yeah, Clara, they will. I don't know how, but somehow I think Hero and Foxxy will manage to survive without your clunky exposition.
Clara: Oh, good.
Wooldoor: (to UFG) And I think that we should get married the second I turn 18, and until then, we should have a no-sex pact just like Hero and Foxxy!
UFG: Well, we kind of already have a no-sex pact, Wooldoor. It's called "the law".
Spanky: Right. Cause we're all such law-abiding citizens around here.
The others chuckle. Toot shrugs. The camera pulls out to reveal a full view of the setting sun. The scene does not quite fade, however. The camera slowly drifts across the sea back to the island on which the wedding took place. We see Foxxy and Hero cuddling up in a hammock together. An ice bucket and a bottle of champagne sit on the ground next to them. Foxxy looks over at Hero.
Foxxy: Well, Hero? You ready to finally end it?
Hero: I'm ready!
Hero rolls into position and begins to make his move. However, right as he has gotten started, Foxxy suddenly stops.
Foxxy: Wait, Hero! Wait!
Hero: What? Foxxy, don't tell me you're having second thoughts!
Foxxy: No, it's just that I think I felt a snake crawl up into my cooch!
Hero: No, that was my penis.
Foxxy: Oh, right. I guess I just forgot what that feels like. Carry on, then.
As Hero and Foxxy begin to make love, the camera pulls out to reveal the setting sun against the backdrop of the island. The scene fades.
THE END
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| | Author | Topic: DTBL episode 54: Sea of Troubles, Part II (Read 95 times) |
Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 123
Location: Nashville, TN
Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 54: Sea of Troubles, Part II
« Result #2 on Nov 9, 2009, 2:54pm » | |
SEA OF TROUBLES, PART II
Part 1
The show opens once again on a shot of the ocean. We again see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to Toot standing on deck in her swimsuit.
Toot: Yeah, this is Part Two. We've decided we're not going to recap what happened in Part One. You can read these in pretty much any order you want, so if you're going to be a complete moron and read Part Two first, then, well... you deserve to be thoroughly confused. And if you just FORGOT what happened in Part One, then you're probably the sort of person who'll forget to pick up your kids from school. So while you're scrambling out the door to go get those snot-nosed brats like you were supposed to do five hours ago, we'll get on with the story. Okay, now let's pick up where we left off.
The scene changes to the exact moment we left the story in the previous episode. We see Foxxy open the door to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin. We instantly see Captain Hero, dressed only in his underwear, sitting on the bed next to UFG, who is under the covers, but who appears to be completely naked. Hero has his arm around her, hugging her. Hero looks up to see Foxxy glaring at him.
Hero: Foxxy! No! This is not what you think!
Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment, then without saying a word, she turns around, slamming the door behind her, and storms off. Hero sits on the bed looking flabbergasted for a moment, then quickly gets up. Without even bothering to put his clothes back on, he hurries out the door in pursuit of Foxxy. UFG sits on the bed looking surprised. The scene cuts to Foxxy marching down the deck, extremely upset. Hero, clad only in his underwear, runs up behind her. He grabs her shoulder to make her stop.
Hero: Foxxy! Foxxy, stop!
Seething with rage, Foxxy turns around.
Foxxy: No, Hero. YOU stop! You stop encouraging that redheaded whore of an ex-girlfriend of yours before it leads to something actually happening between you two! Oh, wait. It already did!
Hero: No, Foxxy. You don't understand. Nothing happened between Unusually Flexible Girl and me. Really!
Foxxy: Why should I believe you?
Hero: Because I'm telling the truth.
Foxxy: Hero, I once dated this guy who one day I happened to walk in on having sex with my best friend. His explanation was that he dropped his keys in her vagina and was fishing them out with his penis. And you what? I'm more inclined to believe HIM than you right now!
Hero: Well, actually, I can see how that could happen. I mean, if she happens to sit down on your keys while she's naked, they could easily get stuck up there. And if you try to use a finger or something to fish them out, your nail could scratch the inside of her sugar walls, so if you think about it, sending the penis in is definitely the way to go in that case. (Foxxy stares at Hero in complete disbelief.)
Foxxy: (after staring for a moment) Hero, you know, my anger is actually starting to subside now.
Hero: (excited) Really?
Foxxy: Yes. My feelings of anger toward you are starting to be totally overcome by my amazement at how epically mind-numbingly stupid you are!
Hero: Thanks!
Foxxy: You really believe that, don't you? You go to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, knowing what the situation is with her, somehow end up with both your clothes off, I walk in you with your arm around her, the two of you having done God knows what to each other, and somehow you STILL persist in believing that it's all completely innocent. I thought maybe you were trying to deceive me, Hero, but I guess you really are just that stupid.
Hero: That's right!
Foxxy: Hero, while it's admirable that you want to make your ex-girlfriend feel better, did it ever occur to you that when you're engaged to somebody else, a mercy screw is just a tad inappropriate?
Hero: Mercy screw? Don't be silly, Foxxy. Captain Hero doesn't do mercy screws. If he sleeps with a girl, it's because he wants to!
Foxxy: Really.
Hero: That's right!
Foxxy: Oh, that just makes everything better!
Hero: Well, perfect! Well, what do you know, this didn't take as much time to sort out as I thought it would! (He starts to turn away.) In that case, Foxxy, I think I'll go back to our cabin for a bit. Come and get me when it's time for the rehearsal, okay? (He turns, but then cranes his head back toward Foxxy for a moment.) Oh, say, Foxxy. If you're going by Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, could you fetch my tux for me? Thanks. (Hero turns and starts to walk away.)
Foxxy: Hero, stop right this minute. (Hero stops. Confused, he turns back to Foxxy.) Hero, are you serious? Do you seriously expect us to still have a rehearsal after this?
Hero: Why not?
Foxxy: Hero, I just caught you with your ex-girlfriend practically naked! And not only do you expect to still marry me, you expect us to just pick up our business right where we left it without even so much as an argument! I mean... God, Hero! Do you not get it? Do you not get it at all?
Hero: Get what?
Foxxy: No, of course you don't. Tell you what, Hero. You go back to your cabin and do whatever it is you're planning to do there. Or maybe I should say, WHOEVER it is you're planning to do there!
Hero: Well, that would be you, Foxxy, but I didn't think you wanted to have sex until the wedding. Or did you mean for me to do myself?
Foxxy: No, Hero, I was actually expecting you to have round two with Unusually Flexible Girl. Although now that you mention it, I *would* like to ask you to go back to your cabin and go-
The scene instantly cuts to Toot and Clara walking in a nearby part of the ship.
Clara: So what about the rehearsal? What happened to that?
Toot: What do you mean?
Clara: Are they still having it?
Toot: Why wouldn't they?
Clara: Well, it's the time when we said we were going to have it and we do not seem to actually be AT it. Furthermore, nobody seems to know where it's going to be... and where the hell have the rest of our housemates gotten to?
Toot: Well, let's see, Xandir's probably having sex with a cabin boy, Spanky's probably masturbating... (As Clara looks mildly creeped out, Toot suddenly becomes thoughtful.) But now that you mention it, what happened to our husbands? Weren't we all together earlier?
Clara: Yes.
Toot: I know what we'll do. We'll go talk to Foxxy again and then just follow her to the rehearsal. Or you can follow Foxxy. I'll follow Hero. I'd rather look at his butt than hers.
Clara: Couldn't we just walk alongside them?
Toot: Oh, that's right, you're not so big on the butts.
Clara: So where are they, anyway? Foxxy and Hero, I mean.
Toot: Well, let me see. When last we left our intrepid lovers, they were-
Clara: Stop that!
Toot: We left Hero at Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, and I think Foxxy was going there too.
Clara: Yeah, after you tipped her off about it!
Toot: So what's the big deal? I keep telling you, Clara, it's not like there was anything actually happening between them!
Clara: I know, just... there could be trouble, that's all.
Toot: Trouble? Come on, Clara. There won't be any trouble.
Cut back to Foxxy and Hero.
Foxxy: Of course there's going to be trouble! Honestly, Hero! What the hell were you thinking, going back to her place like that? So tell me this. Did you know before you went back there that you were going to sleep with her, or did you just barge into her place like an idiot, saw her there all pretty and... ex-girlfriendy... and decided, hey, as long as I'm here!
Hero: No, Foxxy! It wasn't like that! I didn't sleep with her at all! (Toot and Clara walk up behind Foxxy and begin watching the scene in shock.)
Foxxy: So you're telling me that she wasn't naked under that sheet.
Hero: Well, yeah, she was naked. (Foxxy raises her eyebrows.) But her nudity had nothing to do with me! I swear! She was already naked before I went in there!
Foxxy: Oh, I see. And since SHE was already naked, you figured that you would be remiss if you did not take off your clothes as well and share in her nudity.
Hero: Um...
Foxxy: So what do you have to say for yourself, Hero?
Hero: Um... um... no hablo ingles?
Foxxy: Goodbye, Hero. I'm going to pack up my things and stay in another cabin for the remainder of the cruise. I wish you and your stretchy ex-girlfriend a lifetime of happiness together until you dump her again next week. (Hero stands there stunned. Foxxy turns and starts to walk away.)
Toot: Looks like you were right, Clara. There's trouble.
Clara: (making the donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Foxxy, so frustrated she hardly seems to notice their presence, walks between Toot and Clara. Toot grabs Foxxy to stop her.
Toot: Stop. Foxxy, wait!
Foxxy: Rehearsal's off, you guys. You can change back into your swim clothes now.
Toot: Really? Cool! But that's actually not what we need to talk to you about right now.
Foxxy: (irritated, but willing to listen) What?
Clara: Foxxy, you've got it all wrong. Captain Hero didn't sleep with Unusually Flexible Girl. He had a perfectly legitimate excuse for being in her cabin.
Foxxy: Oh, did he, now?
Toot: (turning toward Hero) Hero, just tell her, okay? (She turns to Foxxy.) And Foxxy, please hear him out. Okay?
Clara: The truth will set you free, Foxxy.
Toot: As will worn-out cliches.
Foxxy sighs, still very irritated. However, she looks at Hero, prepared to listen to his explanation. Hero begins.
Hero: Thank you. Now, then, Foxxy, I will tell you what happened.
The scene changes to a flashback from earlier that morning. We see Hero walking down the deck away from Foxxy after their fight.
Hero: (voice over) I knew I had been an idiot over the whole Unusually Flexible Girl situation. And I knew that no matter how much I protested that I wanted to be with you and not her, I knew there was only way I was going to be able to put your mind at ease over the situation. I knew it would hurt her, but for the sake of my relationship with you, I had no choice but to go to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin and tell her that I could never see her again. After I got done talking to her in her cabin, at least. I still had to see her while I was telling her I couldn't see her. But after I got done telling her, that was when the not seeing her would officially begin. (We see Hero approach UFG's cabin.) But when I got to her cabin...
Hero arrives at UFG's cabin and knocks on the door.
UFG: Go away! I don't want to see anybody right now!
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl, I know you're upset right now... and I know that I'm partly responsible. But I really need to talk to you.
UFG: Captain Hero, I appreciate the gesture, but could you please come back later? I'm not in a condition to talk to anyone right now!
Hero: Coming back later really isn't an option, Unusually Flexible Girl. My entire relationship with Foxxy is at stake. What I have to say really cannot wait. So can I come in?
UFG: No, Captain Hero. I am very much indisposed at the moment.
Hero: Indisposed? (He thinks for a minute.) What, are you naked?
UFG: Well, yes, but that's not really relevant to-
The door flings wide open. Hero barges in.
Hero: Then it's okay! I've seen you naked lots of times! We really don't have any secrets from each other on the nudity front at this point. (Hero sees UFG in bed. His eyebrows raise in surprise.) Oh, my!
The camera cuts to Unusually Flexible Girl. She has a sheet pulled up to her shoulders. We see that next to her in the bed is none other than Reverend Smack Daddy. UFG is very nervous and somewhat self-conscious.
Reverend: Hey, Captain Hero!
Hero: What the hell? Smack Daddy?
Reverend: One and the same!
At that moment, Toot and Clara burst through the door.
Clara: Smack Daddy? What the hell?
Toot: Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!
UFG: Oh, look, now the whole gang is here. Thank you all for coming out to wallow in my shame.
Hero: (looking at Toot and Clara) What the hell are you two doing here? I thought you were with your husbands and everyone else.
Clara: Oh, Wooldoor came around and started harassing me again for being a whore, so I ditched.
Toot: He wasn't harassing me for acting like a whore, but Clara happened to point out that Wooldoor was also a rabbi and that he could theoretically start laying the Jewish guilt thing on me if he wanted to, so I decided I'd better ditch too before he got started on that. (She turns to UFG.) Aren't rabbis the worst? (Smack Daddy starts to get up.)
Reverend: (turning to UFG) I think I'm going to go up on deck and enjoy this beautiful sunshine that God has given us. And maybe enjoy the beautiful bikini-clad females that God also created for us to enjoy. But I ain't gonna do nothing with 'em, cause that wouldn't be right, cause I ain't married to 'em. I'm just gonna admire 'em. And that's okay. Would you like to come join me?
UFG: Not right now.
Reverend: Suit yourself.
Smack Daddy gets out of bed. He is completely naked. Clara quickly averts her eyes in horror while Toot stands there looking perplexed. Smack Daddy steps into some swim trunks and puts on a very pimp-looking jacket, but no shirt. He slides a pair of sunglasses on his face, then cocks his head and walks out the door. The others all turn to UFG.
Toot: Oh my God! I mean... oh my God! What the hell was that?
Clara: (looking back up and removing her hand from her face) Did we really just see that?
UFG: Again... I'm gonna have to return to my previous position of "I'd rather not talk about it, could you please all leave?".
Hero: In a minute. First, I think we need to know what happened here.
UFG: What happened here? What do you THINK happened here?
Hero: Well, *I* know what probably happened, but it'll probably need to be explained for Clara's benefit.
Clara: (staring at Hero) Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Don't mention it!
Toot: So. You and Smack Daddy.
UFG: Yes, I think that's been established.
Toot: Now that's a pairing I'd never have counted on!
UFG: (sighing, resigning herself to the situation) I know... me either.
Clara: How is you two hooking up even possible? I thought he had this big embargo on premarital sex.
Unusually Flexible sighs and takes a deep breath. She holds up her hand. There is a wedding band on her finger. The others draw back in surprise.
Toot: Oh, wow!
Clara: Oh, my!
Hero: Did you just do this to steal mine and Foxxy's thunder?
UFG, still rather upset, says nothing. She looks down. Hero walks over to her and sits down on the bed beside her.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl?
UFG: Yes?
Hero: Do you want to talk about this?
UFG: Not really.
Hero: I see. (Hero pauses for a moment. He takes a deep breath and looks at Toot and Clara.) Okay. This is a bit of a problem.
Clara: Yes, it definitely is.
Toot: Why?
Hero: What do you mean, why, Toot?
Toot: Why is this a problem? From what I can tell, this solves everything!
Hero: Whatchoo talking about, Toot?
Toot: Well... she's YOUR ex, and Reverend Smack Daddy is Foxxy's ex. Now both of them are paired up with each other and out of the way! You and Foxxy have nothing else to worry about! (At that moment, UFG buries her face in her hands and begins crying again. Clara and Hero looks at her with concern. Toot looks confused.) What?
Hero: Toot, I think you'd better go. (Hero looks at Clara.) You should probably go too, Clara. I think Unusually Flexible Girl needs some privacy right now.
Toot: Yeah... I guess that makes sense. (Toot and Clara start to walk toward the door. They stop briefly as Toot turns to Hero, who now has his arm around Unusually Flexible Girl, comforting her.) What about you, Hero? Are you coming with us?
Hero: (looking at UFG) Would you like to be alone right now?
UFG: (thinking for a moment) No. No, it's okay, Hero. You can stay.
Hero: Okay. Then I will. (He turns to Toot and Clara.) You two run along. I'll join you shortly.
Clara: Hero, are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think Foxxy would like you being here.
Hero: She needs me, Clara. And I want to be there for her. Foxxy will understand.
Toot: Are you sure?
Hero: Don't worry, Toot. Nothing will happen. I promise.
Toot: All right. We believe you.
With that, Toot and Clara exit while Hero sits on the bed comforting UFG. The scene changes back to the group.
Toot: So you see, Foxxy? Hero didn't have any intention of sleeping with Unusually Flexible Girl. Smack Daddy was the one she hooked up with! Hero was just there to comfort her. That's all!
Clara: She's right, Foxxy. Toot and I saw it happen. There was nothing sexual going on. Just one friend comforting another.
Toot: Yeah.
Foxxy: Okay... maybe. But if that's the case... (She turns to Hero.) Then why the hell was you in your underwear?
Toot: Well, that's just because- (Suddenly, the strangeness of the statement hits her. Toot turns to Hero in confusion.) Yeah, why WERE you in your underwear?
Hero: (looking slightly embarrassed) Um... well... under the circumstances, I just felt like taking my clothes off would be the proper thing to do.
Toot: (after looking at Hero for a moment) Okay, we're not helping you anymore.
Hero: No, no, no! Let me explain!
Foxxy: I really don't think I have time for another flashback.
Hero: Well, flashbacks are easier for me than using words. Here, I'll show you.
The scene changes back to Hero and UFG. Hero has his arm around her.
UFG: Thank you for doing this, Hero.
Hero: It's no problem. Really.
UFG: Hero, I don't want to come between you and Foxxy. Really I don't.
Hero: I know.
UFG: Thanks for doing this, but I think the girls were right. If Foxxy knew you were here, she'd be very upset. I appreciate the gesture, but for the sake of your relationship, I think you'd better leave.
Hero: Please, don't talk about that. This is not about me and Foxxy. This is about me and you.
UFG: Me and you? Okay.
Hero: So what happened? With Smack Daddy, I mean. What on earth caused you to hook up with HIM, of all people?
UFG: Well... it was right after you and Foxxy left the bar last night.
The scene changes to the bar the previous night. UFG narrates as we see the scene being played out. We see Foxxy drag Hero out of the bar. UFG stands looking very frustrated. She sits down, on the verge of tears. She begins sobbing.
UFG: (voice over) I was nearly at the end of my rope. I didn't feel I had a friend left in the world when suddenly... he walked up. (Reverend Smack Daddy walks up.)
Reverend: Excuse me, fine lady. Is this seat taken?
UFG: (looking up to see Smack Daddy) No, not at all. Sit down. (As the scene in the bar continues to play out, we hear Toot's voice cut in, talking over the action.)
Toot: (voice over) Now hold on a second! A flashback within another flashback? Isn't that a bit much?
Foxxy: (voice over) Quiet, Toot. I think I'd like to hear Unusually Flexible Girl's side of events. She's a bit more reliable a narrator than Captain Hero.
Clara: (voice over) Yes, but her monologue is coming WITHIN a flashback by Captain Hero!
Foxxy: (voice over) Be that as it may.
Clara: (voice over) Does that phrase even MEAN anything?
The meta dialogue stops. We begin hearing the conversation in the bar again.
Reverend: Speaking of Jesus, are you a believer in the Lord, madam?
UFG: Actually, Reverend... I'm Jewish.
Reverend: Really? With that nose? (Unusually Flexible Girl rolls her eyes and sighs. Smack Daddy persists, however.) Well, it don't matter what your nose looks like, to be honest. What I'm mainly concerned with is that smoking hot ass you got behind you there!
UFG: Look, let's just cut to the chase, okay? Are you trying to pick me up? Because I'm really not in the mood right now.
Reverend: Pick you up? No way, sugar! I don't believe in casual hookups!
UFG: Good. Cause you'd just be wasting your time. I honestly can't see any reason that I would ever sleep with you.
Reverend: Well, that's okay. I wouldn't sleep with you either.
UFG: (by this point almost too jaded to care anymore) Yeah, well, join the club, pal.
Reverend: Now it's not cause I don't like you, understand. It's cause I don't believe men and women should have sex with each other unless they's properly married first. (UFG hangs her head in frustration and covers her face with her hands. Smack Daddy persists.) Now if you decided that you was willing to marry me in the next few minutes... now that's a different story. (UFG uncovers her face and looks up, very much alarmed. The scene changes back to her and Hero in bed together.)
UFG: So the next thing I knew, he had flagged down the captain of the ship and we got married right there in the bar. (She pauses briefly.) I knew it was a dumb idea. But the second he mentioned marriage... I snapped. I know that if I was in my right mind, I never would have agreed to it so quickly, but I was depressed and lonely, and thinking about Nana again... and suddenly all I could think about was the fact that I had a husband right there in front of me. Even if he wasn't exactly the kind of guy I'd bring home to Mother.
Hero: Wow. That's unbelievable.
UFG: So now what do I do? I not only degraded and debased myself, but I'm now stuck in a marriage to some sleazy hypocritical player wannabe!
Hero: (turning to UFG) What if I pushed him overboard for you? (UFG looks at him strangely.) I've killed before. I'm not proud of it. (He thinks for a minute.) Except Bambi. That little prick had it coming.
UFG: No, Hero. Don't hurt him. I got myself into this mess. I'll have to be the one to get myself out of it.
Hero: Well, there's got to be something I can do to help you.
UFG: Thanks, Hero. But I don't think so.
Hero: Well... okay, then. (There is silence for a few seconds. After a pause, Hero speaks up.) I'm hungry. (He turns to UFG.) You got any food here?
UFG: Uh, well... I have some leftover spaghetti from dinner last night. You can have it, I guess.
Hero: (getting up) Thanks! (As UFG sits under the covers looking confused, Hero walks over to the small fridge. He opens it and gets out the spaghetti. He grabs a fork and walks back over to the bed. Before he sits down, however, he begins to think.) Hmm... now that I think about it, spaghetti's kind of messy. I'd better take my clothes off so I don't get spaghetti all over them.
Hero sets down the spaghetti, then quickly undresses. Now in his underwear, he sits down on the bed and begins eating the spaghetti. UFG continues to sit there trying to take everything in.
Hero: (back in the real world, to Foxxy) So you see? I *did* have a good reason to take my clothes off! Now just admit it. You'd have been pretty mad if I'd tried to get married in a dirty tux!
Foxxy: Well... you had obviously finished your spaghetti by the time I walked in. Can you explain to me why upon finishing your meal, you didn't put your clothes back on?
Hero: Um... in case we had dessert?
Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then hangs her head down and sighs.
Foxxy: My God.
Clara: Mine too!
Foxxy: You know what, Hero? I believe you. I actually believe you.
Hero: (surprised) Really?
Foxxy: Yes, really. I am now completely convinced that you were not cheating on me at all.
Hero: (still surprised, but very pleased) Okay!
Foxxy: I thought that maybe you were fooling around with your ex-girlfriend and trying to cover for it, but now I realize. You're not clever enough to do that!
Hero: No, I'm not! (He suddenly realizes he isn't being complimented.) Wait.
Foxxy: Hero, all the while you've been telling me this, only one thought has crossed my mind. If this is honestly, truly, honest to God actually what happened, then you have to be the biggest idiot on this entire ship to let yourself get into that kind of predicament, knowing the situation between us right now. And believe it or not, a part of me was actually hoping that you WERE fooling around with her, because that would at least mean that there was a remote possibility that somewhere in that big head of yours was a single brain cell that was somewhat functional. I realized that only a true moron could get himself into such a situation and then not even have presence of mind enough to try to hide it from me. Well, Captain Hero, guess what? You are that moron.
Hero: Wait. So you believe my story about not cheating on you... but you're still mad at me? I don't get it.
Foxxy: Of course you don't. (Foxxy sighs and starts to turn away.) I think I'm going to go walk around for a while. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Hero: Foxxy, the wedding's still on, isn't it?
Foxxy: I don't know.
Hero: Oh, Foxxy, please don't do this. I know I'm not the smartest guy around, but you know how I feel about you. Shouldn't that be the most important thing? Come on, Foxxy. No matter what kind of problems we're having... you KNOW we're meant for each other!
Foxxy: I don't know, Hero. (She sighs.) I don't know. (She turns and starts walking away.) I'll talk to you guys later. I need to be alone for a while right now.
Clara: Does this mean-?
Foxxy: Yes, Clara, the rehearsal is off. You can change out of your formal clothes now.
Clara: (doing a fist pump) Yes! (She turns to see Hero looking at her, slightly irritated.) Well, it's a silver lining, isn't it?
Hero looks sad for a moment, then turns and begins to walk away. Clara suddenly becomes regretful.
Clara: (calling after him) Hero, I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything!
Hero: (walking away) It's not your fault, Clara.
Toot: Are you going to be okay?
Hero: Ask Foxxy. That question's up to her. (Hero goes out of sight. Clara and Toot turn and look at each other. Neither says anything for a moment.)
Clara: (after a moment) So.
Toot: Yeah. (They pause. Toot turns back to Clara.) So get back in our swimsuits now?
Clara: Sure, why not? Might as well go be a whore for Wooldoor again.
Toot nods. The scene changes back to UFG's cabin. She is now alone again. She sits staring into space for a moment, not quite knowing how she wants to react. Finally, she sighs and hangs her head. She buries her face in her hands and begins sobbing. At that moment, the door flies open. Wooldoor bursts in, a crazed look in his eyes.
Wooldoor: I heard there was fornicating going on in here! I hope I'm not too late! (UFG continues sobbing. Wooldoor looks at her with concern.) Mandy?
UFG: Hello, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: What's going on?
UFG: (trying to speak through her tears) You're right, Wooldoor. There is fornicating going on in here. Or there was.
Wooldoor: There was? Who was it?
UFG: Who do you think? It was me. (Wooldoor cautiously walks over to UFG. He simply stands looking at her.) Oh, Wooldoor, I've done a terrible thing! I married that awful rapper who calls himself a Christian and then I had sex with him! And even worse, I think I broke up Hero and Foxxy's engagement! (Still in tears, she looks over at Wooldoor, who is looking very serious.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Go ahead and judge me for what I did. I deserve it.
Wooldoor walks over to UFG and sits down next to her. He takes her hand.
Wooldoor: Mandy, no. I don't want to judge you. I want to make you feel better.
UFG: (showing some hope) Really?
Wooldoor: Really. (He begins comforting her.) Now what's wrong?
UFG: Oh, Wooldoor, you wouldn't understand.
Wooldoor: They told me I wouldn't understand quantum physics, either, but I did. So go ahead and tell me what's going on.
UFG: Well... I came on this cruise to have a good time and share in the joy that two of my closest friends were getting married. But I couldn't do that because Foxxy got it into her head that I was trying to get Captain Hero back, so the two of them just kept shutting me out. All that did was just drive it deeper and deeper into my head how alone I was. I mean, I do kind of have a boyfriend, but he seemed to be a lot more concerned with following this other girl around than paying attention to ME.
Wooldoor: Really? That's terrible, Mandy! Who is this guy? I'm going to go give him a good punch in the face!
UFG: Um, you.
Without missing a beat, Wooldoor punches himself in the face extremely hard, knocking himself off the bed. He immediately gets back up, face bruised, sits back down on the bed, and puts his arm around UFG.
Wooldoor: Now, then. Continue.
As UFG continues to unburden herself, the scene changes back to Hero. We are now back to the frame story. Hero is standing on the deck looking out at the ocean again. He is back in his tux, while his inner monologue takes over.
Hero: (inner monologue) I'm glad that Wooldoor told me what happened after I left. Otherwise, it would have been very tricky to have a flashback of that scene since I wasn't around for it. (He looks down at his clothes with a hint of confusion.) And why did I put my tux back on, anyway? Oh, well, it doesn't matter. What matters is how things are with Foxxy. And right now... they're not good. Not good at all. I'd go try to chase her down if I had any idea where to find her... or if there was a chance that I could actually come up with something to say to change her mind. Not very good with the words I am. All I know is how I feel about Foxxy. Too bad there can't be someone else. Someone else who can solve this entire problem by coming up with the words that Foxxy wants to hear right now.
The scene changes back to Foxxy's parallel scene.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I knew the kind of person Hero was when I first got involved with him. That much hasn't changed. So I honestly don't know why I should be surprised by all this. But somehow... I am. (Foxxy pauses for a moment to look at the ocean. After a moment, she resumes.) So what was it that changed? Was it the no-sex pact that did it? Maybe Hero's irritating tendencies were tolerable when we had the sex, but if you take that out of the equation... maybe we're not such a fit couple after all. (She pauses for a moment again.) If I were a weaker person, I'd just give in and go have sex with him so we could try to fix the relationship. But I don't know... somehow... that doesn't feel like the right way to do things. And who knows? (She looks down.) At this point... is our relationship even salvageable? Could we EVER make it all the way back to the way we were? (At that point, we hear a lonely violin play the first few notes of "The Way We Were".) I hate this stupid incidental music.
The violin stops. Foxxy continues to look out at the ocean. She is very thoughtful. After a moment, she is arrested by a voice behind her.
Voice: Foxxy?
Foxxy turns to see UFG standing behind her. She sighs exasperatedly.
Foxxy: I don't know where Captain Hero is, Unusually Flexible Girl. So don't even bother to ask me.
UFG: (apologetically) I'm not looking for Hero, Foxxy. I was looking for you.
Foxxy's face tenses up. She seems to be on the verge of telling UFG off. However, her patience wins out, and she decides to be diplomatic. She looks at UFG calmly.
Foxxy: All right. What did you want?
UFG: Foxxy, I never meant to cause any trouble between you and Captain Hero. Honestly, I didn't. If I had known my presence would be this problematic, I would never have asked to even come on this cruise. In fact, when Wooldoor first invited me to go, I actually turned him down because I thought it might be rather awkward. I didn't want to tell him the truth, so I made up that excuse about taking my other nana to a Hummel convention.
Foxxy: Oh, really? So your other nana didn't really die, then.
UFG: No, she did actually die. It was the part about the Hummel convention that was a lie.
Foxxy: Oh. Well, I'm very sorry, then.
UFG: Nah, don't be. I wasn't that close to this nana. Her name was Taking Jewishness To Ungodly Levels Woman. She was like, my mother times two!
Foxxy: I see. (She pauses for a moment.) So what changed your mind? (UFG looks at Foxxy.) What made you decide to go to the wedding after all?
UFG: I was at my nana's funeral. And for some reason, instead of being sad at her being dead, all I could think about was the fact that two of my best friends were about to start a lifetime of happiness together and I wasn't going to be there for it. And that made me even sadder than my nana dying.
Foxxy: I see.
UFG: I tried to resist the impulse to show up at your door right as you were about to leave and invite myself to the wedding at the last minute. "Don't do it, Mandy," I told myself. "It will just cause problems." But then, I happened to think to myself, "No, Mandy. That might be a valid fear if you were dealing with someone else. But this is Foxxy Love we're dealing with. The most sensible, levelheaded person in the entire world. If there's anybody in the world I can trust to be mature about this whole issue, it's her." So yeah, maybe this would have been an issue for most couples. (She looks at Foxxy.) But somehow, I knew in my heart that you two would be able to rise above it.
UFG turns away. There is silence for a moment. Neither woman looks at the other. After a prolonged pause, Foxxy finally speaks up.
Foxxy: Yeah... maybe you're right. (UFG turns back to Foxxy.)
UFG: Foxxy, I don't want to cause problems. Really, I don't. And even if Hero did end up back with me somehow, I know that he'd never be even half as happy as he is with you right now. Really. It was hard for me to accept, but I finally did. You and Hero are meant to be together. And it wouldn't be right for me to do anything that might keep that from happening. So, Foxxy, if this is what it takes for you and Hero to fix things... then I'll promise never to see him again for as long as I live.
Foxxy looks at UFG for a moment before speaking.
Foxxy: No... no, don't do that. This wasn't your fault. Now that I think about it, you've never done anything with the intent to break me and Hero up to get him back for yourself. It was all just me being jealous.
UFG: You were jealous of ME? Why?
Foxxy: Well, because I know what things were like when you two dated. Nothing but hot, wild, kinky sex all the time.
UFG: Well, yeah, but-
Foxxy: And I know what you're going to say. "But we didn't have love." And that may be true. But still... maybe there's a part of the brain that just can't help getting worked up about ANY part of a past relationship that might be better than what it is with you.
UFG: I guess I can see that. But even then, Foxxy... do you seriously think that Hero and I might have had wilder sex than what you guys have?
Foxxy: You have those stretchy powers. I'm sure Captain Hero likes that.
UFG: He does, but... I think he likes the sexual allure of a hot black chick a lot more.
Foxxy: (after thinking for a moment) Yeah. Yeah, maybe he does. (She starts to smile, but the smile quickly leaves her face as she thinks of another issue.) Actually... that probably doesn't make things better. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was only the sex he liked with ME, too. Especially since ever since we stopped having sex, we've practically been at each other's throats.
UFG: Well, Foxxy, that doesn't mean you're a bad couple. When you're used to having something all the time and then you're suddenly deprived of it, you get stressed out about it. That's just the way things work! And when you're stressed out about something, you usually end up taking it out on whoever's convenient. Whoever that might happen to be.
Foxxy: You don't say.
UFG: Not to mention the fact that there's constant temptation, and there's no real reason you two can't have sex. But if it was different... if something happened where you two COULDN'T have sex... I'm sure things would be different. Like if he lost his penis in a horrible smelting accident. Or if your vagina suddenly sprouted vicious teeth inside it.
Foxxy: Frankly, I'm not sure that would stop Captain Hero. But I get the gist of what you're saying.
UFG: Right. I mean, it might be rough, but you'd find the strength to work through it. You know... because you love each other.
Foxxy: Right.
UFG: Well... that's all I have to say. (She turns and starts to walk away, then looks back at Foxxy.) I hope you and Captain Hero are able to work things out.
Foxxy: Thanks. I hope so too.
UFG nods and walks off. Foxxy looks out at the ocean again for a moment. She then nods her head, seemingly having come to a realization. She turns and walks away from the ship railing. We cut to Hero's own scene on the deck.
Hero: (inner monologue) Why does that dolphin smell like hot sauce?
Hero shakes his head. We see Foxxy walk up behind him.
Foxxy: Hello, Hero. (Hero turns around. His face lights up, but he has a slight air of hesitation.)
Hero: Foxxy?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. (He quickly walks over to her.)
Hero: Foxxy, I didn't mean for anything to happen, I swear. And I'm sorry that I was so stupid about letting myself get into those situations.
Foxxy: Hero, it's okay. You don't have to try so hard. I know you didn't mean anything.
Hero: Foxxy, I know it was stupid for me to keep encouraging Unusually Flexible Girl like I did. Constantly rushing to her side whenever I felt like she needed someone. Foxxy, I can't lie. Unusually Flexible Girl is a very dear friend who will always be special to me. (Foxxy looks at Hero with an emotionless expression.) But I don't want to be with her romantically. (He takes Foxxy's hands.) I want to be with you.
Foxxy: Hero...
Hero: No, Foxxy, before you say anything, let me get this out. Since I've been with you, you have made me happy in every way possible. And every role that a person can fill in someone's life... I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. My wife, my lover, my partner... and my best friend.
Foxxy: I thought Spanky was your best friend.
Hero: Well, Spanky's my buddy. I mean, he's the guy I drink with, talk about women with, and pull crazy frat boy pranks with... but that's not a best friend. (He looks at Foxxy.) YOU'RE my best friend.
Foxxy: Oh, Hero...
Hero: Do you want to be that TOO, Foxxy? Then it's done! Let's go get some beers, make lewd remarks about the cruise director's ass, and then pants Wooldoor and throw him off the deck!
Clara: (her voice in the distance) Ooh! Can I be in on that?
Foxxy: That's okay, Hero. You can keep doing all that with Spanky.
Hero: Okay.
Foxxy: But the rest of that stuff... yes. I would very much like to accept those positions in your life.
Hero: (beginning to smile) You would?
Foxxy: (now smiling also) Yes. Yes, I would.
Hero's face lights up. He throws his arms around Foxxy. The two hug for a moment, then proceed to kiss. As they continue to kiss for several moments, the scene fades.
(to be continued...)
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 53: Sea of Troubles
« Result #3 on Oct 18, 2009, 10:21pm » | |
Part 2
The scene fades back up on the original shot of Foxxy on the deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) Maybe I shouldn't have been so suspicious of Unusually Flexible Girl. After all, whether she wants to get her hooks back into Hero or not, it doesn't matter unless he feels the same way. And I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn't, but... well, sometimes when you're under stress, you don't think clearly. And there was a lot more going on besides her.
Cut back to Denise at the bow of the ship the following morning. She is straightening her clothes while a gentleman stands by.
Gentleman: So how much will that be?
Denise: The usual fee... plus an extra fifty dollars.
Gentleman: An extra fifty? For what?
Denise: That's what I'm going to be fined for being on deck out of uniform.
Gentleman: Ah, right.
The gentleman gets fifty dollars out of his wallet and hands it to Denise. As she counts the money, Foxxy walks up behind her.
Foxxy: Excuse me? (Denise turns and upon seeing Foxxy, immediately becomes exasperated.)
Denise: Oh, God. You again?
Foxxy: I'm sorry. I guess you're sick of seeing me by now.
Denise: No, actually, I was just kidding. I seriously have no recollection of who you are. I actually have a life to worry about.
Foxxy: Yes. Well... be that as it may. I'm the girl who's supposed to get married on this cruise. I came to see if you have any idea when a spot might be available.
Denise: Oh, actually, a spot DID open up! (Foxxy's brows raise in anticipation.)
Foxxy: Oh, really?
Denise: Yeah! In my ass! Want a tour of the premises? (Denise turns around and bends over.) Do you know where you want the band to set up? Cause I'll show you exactly where you can shove them!
Foxxy: Girl, you had seriously better be glad I ain't wearing my boots right now. (Denise straightens up and turns back around to face Foxxy.) Look, please... we're starting to get desperate here. If you can help us clear a spot on the boat to have our wedding, we will MORE than make it worth your while, I promise! (Denise sighs in frustration.)
Denise: Okay... fine. Come back in a little while and I'll see if I can have something available for you.
Foxxy: Thank you. Thank you very much!
With that, Foxxy turns and walks away, smiling. Denise looks after her, rolling her eyes. The scene changes to another spot on the deck. Wooldoor stands looking out at the ocean again. Clara walks out wearing her bathing suit and a light wrap. She sits down on one of the deck chairs. Wooldoor turns to her.
Wooldoor: So. We're not even bothering with the shoes today, I see.
Clara: Wooldoor, it's a tropical cruise. Half the people on this ship are barefoot.
Wooldoor: Well, if half the people on this ship jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?
Clara: To get away from you, I just might.
Wooldoor: What's that scent? Is that berries? Are you using a berry-scented shampoo now? Tsk tsk.
Clara: Wooldoor, what is your deal? Now you're criticizing me for things that the Bible doesn't even forbid!
Wooldoor: I've decided that that book doesn't go far enough, Clara. I mean, sure, the big sins like murder and prostitution are to be warned against. But there are way too many smaller crimes that go unpunished because people don't feel they're important enough to bother with! Well, I've decided that I, Wooldoor Sockbat, God's newly appointed crusader against all things evil, am going to bother with them!
Clara: Yeah? Well, let me know how that works out for you, okay?
Wooldoor: Okay!
At that moment, Ling-Ling hops out, followed by Toot, also wearing her swimsuit. Ling-Ling is still carrying his bag. Ling-Ling hops up on the chair beside Clara.
Clara: Hey, guys. So what have you two been doing?
Toot: I think a better question might be... WHO have we been doing? Hee hee!
Clara: Well, the answers to that question would be Marty, and... that plush doll of Hello Kitty that Ling-Ling had in his suitcase.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling pretend it was Carla! He promise!
Wooldoor: (turning around) What's this? MORE sex taking place on this boat? (He shakes his head in disapproval.) Can none of you control your hormones at all?
Toot: Nope! But it's okay, cause I'm married.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling married too. True, it not to Hello Kitty plush doll, but... well, Ling-Ling get urges! And Carla sleeping so peacefully, he not want to wake her!
Clara: Ling-Ling, that's so sweet! In a very, very messed up way.
Wooldoor: Taking advantage of a poor, innocent plush doll, Ling-Ling? For shame! (He turns to Clara angrily.) You see that, Clara? Not only are YOU a whore, now you're corrupting your husband, too! (Clara sighs in frustration. Wooldoor turns back to Ling-Ling.) Ah, still carrying your purse, I see. (Wooldoor turns back to Clara.) Must you drag ALL your friends and loved ones into hell with you, Clara?
Ling-Ling: If Carla going to hell, Ling-Ling going to hell too!
Clara: Thank you very much, Ling-Ling! But I'm not going to hell. And neither are you.
Ling-Ling: Are you sure? Ling-Ling was Scientologist for two years, Ling-Ling immortal soul might already be doomed to hell for that one anyway.
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling, I'm sure.
Ling-Ling: Okay, good.
Toot: Blah blah blah, nobody's going to hell, isn't that just peachy, blah blah blah. So, Ling-Ling. Ever since I saw you with that thing, I've been meaning to make fun of you for it! If you've got an hour or two to spare, I'd like to do that now.
Ling-Ling: Eh, sure. Ling-Ling got time.
Toot: Perfect! Now to start with, you're aware that for the first two weeks we lived together, we all thought you were a girl, right? Well, this is making me wonder if maybe we were right in the first place.
As Toot continues, the scene changes to Foxxy walking to the pool, clad in her bikini. Just as she is about to enter the pool area, however, Hero suddenly rushes up behind her.
Hero: Foxxy! Foxxy, wait up! (Foxxy stops and turns around to look at Hero.) Foxxy, guess what! I've found a loophole to our no-sex pact!
Foxxy: Hero, I told you before. Doing it in the butt does not constitute a loophole.
Wooldoor: (walking by) Actually, the Bible is pretty ambiguous about that one. Unless either of you is Catholic, I don't think doing it in the butt would violate anything. (Wooldoor quickly passes out of view.)
Hero: No, Foxxy, doing it in the butt is not the loophole I'm talking about.
Foxxy: Because we're in international waters, then?
Hero: No, that's not it either. What it is... I just found out that this ship is transporting a bunch of cargo. Now one of the things it's transporting is... are you ready for this? (Foxxy is attentive.) A giant crate of Silly Putty!
Foxxy: (not believing what she is hearing) Silly Putty.
Hero: That's right! I figure, we can use that Silly Putty to make exact molds of each other's genitalia and then do it with THOSE! That way we can still fulfill our desires without technically having sex with each other! (Foxxy is just staring at him.) What do you think?
Foxxy: (momentarily turning away) (under her breath) Good Lord, why can't he just shut the hell up?
Hero: What was that?
Foxxy: Never mind. (Hero scowls.) Look, Hero. I'm fixing to get in the pool and go swimming. I think maybe it would be best if you just went back to your cabin and thought for a while.
Hero: About what?
Foxxy: About anything! Anything at all!
As Hero scowls again, Foxxy opens the gate to the pool and walks through it. As soon as she does so, however, a voice calls out again.
UFG: (voice) Hey, Foxxy! (Foxxy sighs. She doesn't say anything, but it is clear what she is thinking. UFG runs up to her, dripping wet.) Are you going swimming?
Foxxy: I thought I might. I didn't realize you'd be here, though.
UFG: (waving to Hero, who is still standing outside the gate) Hey, Captain Hero! (Hero waves back. UFG turns back to Foxxy.)
Foxxy: On second thought, I think I'm feeling a little sick. I think I'll go back to my cabin instead of swimming.
UFG: Suit yourself. (She quickly steps toward Hero.) Hey, Hero. You want to go swimming?
Hero: I don't know. I don't really like swimming when the pool is too crowded.
UFG: You don't have to worry about that right now. At the moment, there's nobody else there but me. We'll have the whole pool all to ourselves!
Hero: Okay! (Hero starts to bound into the pool area, but before he can walk past her, Foxxy grabs him by the shoulder.)
Foxxy: Yeah, right! (She looks at UFG with extreme irritation.) Seriously? Is you kidding me here?
UFG: I don't understand what the problem is.
Foxxy: Now, I'll admit that I was a bit doubtful of your intentions, Unusually Flexible Girl, but I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Well, not any more. (She gives UFG a stern, straightforward look.) Unusually Flexible Girl, for the remainder of this cruise, you are to STAY THE HELL AWAY from my fiance at all times. You got it?
UFG: Foxxy, that's not fair. I'm just trying to be friendly.
Foxxy: Well, why don't you go be friendly with the others? You know, there's a whole bunch of us of this cruise. Why don't you go hang out with somebody else? Like perhaps your boyfriend Wooldoor.
UFG: I can't get Wooldoor to pay any attention to me. This whole cruise, he seems to have chosen to follow Clara around for some strange reason.
Foxxy: Then hang out with Spanky.
UFG: No! When I try to talk to him, he does nothing but stare at my boobies!
Hero: Well, in his defense, you do have really nice ones. (Foxxy looks at Hero angrily.)
UFG: (smiling bashfully) Thanks.
Foxxy: (turning back to UFG) Then hang out with Xandir! He sure as hell won't be staring at your boobs!
UFG: Yeah, that's not likely. The cabin boys on this cruise are really cute. I'm not expecting to see much of Xandir on this cruise.
Foxxy: Then hang out with Ling-Ling.
UFG: What's Ling-Ling?
Foxxy: Never mind. Oh! I know! You can spend some time with Toot and Marty! How does that sound?
UFG: (becoming sad) Toot and Marty. Right. Well, I guess I can go talk to them for a bit. (She sighs sadly.)
Foxxy: Okay! Then go get to it!
UFG: Yeah... yeah, I'll go hang out with Toot and Marty. Sure.
Hero: (He notices that UFG is becoming upset and walks up to her. He puts his arm around UFG, which irritates Foxxy even further.) Unusually Flexible Girl... what's wrong? Do you not like Toot and Marty?
UFG: No, they're very nice. That's not it at all.
Hero: Then what is it?
UFG: It's just that... well... they're a young married couple. And they're in that lovey-dovey "can't keep their hands off each other" stage of their relationship. I'm a good ten years older than Toot and I'm still not even CLOSE to being married. I'm... I'm just afraid it might be hard for me to be around them like that. I'd start to feel like nana again.
Hero: It's okay. I understand.
UFG: Please, you guys? You guys are two of my best friends in the whole world. I could really use your company right now.
Hero: (hugging UFG) Don't worry. It's okay. We're here for you. I promise.
UFG: Thanks, Hero. (She looks up at him.) You really are a good guy. You know that?
Hero: Thanks.
As Hero continues to comfort UFG, Foxxy looks on with disbelief. The scene cuts to her original scene on deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess in retrospect, it could have been the stress that was clouding my judgment. But I was more convinced than ever that Unusually Flexible Girl was trying to get her hooks back into Captain Hero. And there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. If I had just been thinking clearly, I would have seen that I was just making things worse. But who always thinks clearly in the heat of the moment?
Cut back to the pool. Foxxy steps between Hero and UFG and pulls them apart. Both parties look at her in disbelief.
Foxxy: All right, that's enough, you two! (She looks at UFG.) Unusually Flexible Girl, Captain Hero is MY fiance and I want you to stay away from him. Got it?
UFG: Foxxy, I just want a friend right now.
Foxxy: Well, you can find a friend somewhere else!
UFG looks at Foxxy for a moment. She is in shock. She begins to tear up. After a second, she begins crying. She runs past Hero and Foxxy out of the pool area and down the walkway. In the distance, we hear voices.
Spanky: (voice) All right! Crying chick! (There is a slight pause.) Ow, my stomach!
Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Foxxy, that was really uncalled for. She was just trying to be nice.
Foxxy: Oh goddammit, Hero, can you not see it at ALL? This whole time, she has done nothing but try to get as close to US as possible. Out of all the people on this boat, she just wants to be with US!
Hero: Yes, Foxxy. Us. Not me. The both of us.
Foxxy: That's because she's trying to be smart about it. She's trying to make it look like she wants to be both of our friends. But you and I both know that it's really just ONE of us that she's really concerned with being around.
Hero: Maybe you "know" that, but I don't!
Foxxy: Well, maybe you would know it too, if you had an IQ that was higher than a bag of rocks! I mean, seriously, how dumb do you have to be to not be able to see what she's up to? (Hero looks at Foxxy with a look halfway between anger and shock.)
Hero: Foxxy, I've never seen this side of you before. And quite frankly, I don't like it.
Foxxy: Well, I guess we're both learning a thing or two about each other on this trip.
Hero: Yes. I guess we are. (He turns and starts to walk away.) I'll see you later, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (calling after Hero) Where are you going? It better not to be to HER!
Hero: (walking away) Give me some credit, okay? I do have SOME intelligence!
With that, Hero is gone. Foxxy stands by the pool, still fuming.
Spanky: (walking up to Foxxy) Hey, Foxxy. You got a moment? I want to run something by you. (Foxxy looks at him skeptically.) For the wedding, instead of a tuxedo, can I wear a T-shirt with a tuxedo design on it?
Foxxy: Definitely not.
Spanky: Ah well, worth a shot. (He looks around.) So... naked swimming. You interested?
The scene fades. It fades back up on the shot of Hero standing on deck pondering.
Hero: (inner monologue) I don't know. In retrospect, I guess I could have been a little more sensitive to Foxxy's suspicions. Even if I didn't think there was anything to them, I should still have done what I could have to put her mind at ease, even if it meant rejecting the friendship of someone very close to me. (He sighs.) But no. All I could see in that moment was that she was being irrational, so I was determined to fight her on it. (He pauses for a moment.) I guess maybe I should have remembered that sometimes, when you love someone, you don't always have to fight them over something even if you know you're right.
The scene changes to the walkway outside the cabins. We see Clara coming out of her cabin, still in her swimsuit and wrap, and with a pair of sunglasses where her tiara usually is, and holding her book. She closes the door and begins to walk off before a certain voice stops her.
Wooldoor: (voice) And just where do you think YOU'RE going? (Clara sighs and turns around to find Wooldoor standing right there.)
Clara: Wooldoor, I'm just going to hang out by the pool. Okay? Nothing wrong with that.
Wooldoor: Oh, yeah? What's that you're holding in your hand? A crazy pool toy of some sort?
Clara: It's my book, Wooldoor. I was going to lie in one of the deck chairs and read for a while.
Wooldoor: The pool is for swimming, Clara. Not for reading. Of course, I guess using facilities for their intended purposes isn't of much importance when you're a rebel like you are, huh, Clara? (At this point, Toot walks up to the pair and stands watching the conversation.)
Clara: I like to relax with my friends and read a book. There's nothing wrong with that. And it IS allowed to do so by the pool if I want! (Wooldoor looks at her skeptically.) Would it be better if I was IN the pool splashing around? If I was actually swimming, then my body would be all dripping wet! That turns guys on, you know. So if you think about it, I'm being much less of a whore by just sitting there reading!
Wooldoor: Well... maybe you would be... if you weren't reading THAT!
Toot: Why, what's she reading? Those nasty Harry Potter books that teach the kids about witchcraft? Or is it some romance novel with all that immoral sex talk?
Clara: If you must know, it's He's Just Not That Into You.
Toot: If he's calling you a whore and condemning your soul to hell for the most minor of infractions... he's just not that into you.
Clara: And if you must know why, it's because it amuses me to read about how the single population lives. And despite the focus on dating and romance, I might point out that it's a book which there is absolutely nothing immoral about! So Wooldoor, I would like to know exactly what your problem with it is.
Wooldoor: I'll tell you what my problem with it is, Clara. It's not the Bible. THAT... is my problem with it. The Bible is the only acceptable reading material there is. Period.
Clara: Oh, come on!
Wooldoor: What? You got a problem now?
Clara: Yes, I have a problem! You, Wooldoor! You're my problem! Ever since this cruise started, I have been trying to relax and enjoy the trip, but you have just given me nothing but headaches! Now that's enough, Wooldoor! Quite frankly, I am tired of your shit!
Wooldoor: (very angry) WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Clara: I'm sorry. I mean, I'm tired of your feces.
Wooldoor: That's better!
Clara: Wooldoor, if I could ask you, why are you on my case so much, anyway? I'm not doing anything that the other housemates aren't doing at least a hundred times more often, and in a thousand times as perverse a fashion! I mean, you get on my case for dressing too skimpy, but I'm actually wearing more than Toot, Foxxy, and Xandir combined!
Toot: It's true!
Clara: So why, out of all of us, are you singling ME out for criticism? What is it about me that makes me so much worse than the others?
Wooldoor: I'll tell you, Clara. It's not because you're worse than the others. Not at all. You're BETTER than the others. A lot better. And that's why I'm coming down so hard on you!
Clara: I'm sorry?
Wooldoor: The others... well, to be quite frank, they're all lost causes. They're so immoral and depraved by this point, I couldn't save their souls from hell if I tried. But you, Clara... you're still reachable. I can still save you. And I refuse to rest until I've cleansed the last tiny little ounce of sin from your soul so you won't go to hell like the others!
Clara: Well, maybe I want to go to hell. I mean, what fun will heaven be if none of my friends are there?
Wooldoor: I'll be there!
Clara: Oh, well, that changes everything!
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor... can I just mention something real quick?
Wooldoor: (turning around, cheerfully) What is it, you venal, filthy, corrupt sinner?
Toot: Wooldoor, you're trying to get Clara to stop sinning and do good works so she'll get into heaven, right?
Wooldoor: That's right.
Toot: And you're doing this because that's the way the Bible should have us live, right?
Wooldoor: That's right!
Toot: Well, it seems to me that if you had actually READ the Bible, you would know that good deeds are not the determining factor in whether or not a person goes to heaven. I mean, sure, good deeds are nice, but they're not what keeps you from going to hell. What keeps you from going to hell is whether or not you believe in Jesus and accept his gift of salvation. (She turns to Clara.) Which, if I'm not mistaken, you've already done?
Clara: Years ago!
Toot: So you see, Wooldoor? Clara's ticket to heaven has already been punched. And if I recall, the Bible ALSO says that once it's been punched, it can never be unpunched, no matter what a person might later devolve into. Right, Clara?
Clara: That's right!
Toot: Seems to me that if you were as big a Bible follower as you claim to be, you'd know that, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: (shamed) Wow... I guess I never thought of it like that, Toot. I guess you're right! (He smiles and looks at Toot.) Thanks, Toot, for opening my eyes! (Wooldoor looks up at both Toot and Clara. He has suddenly grabbed a Bible out of nowhere.) You know what, you guys? I think I'm going to go back to my cabin and read this book some more. And I don't mean just look at certain parts and cherry pick what suits my own agenda... I mean, seriously read it. All of it.
Clara: That sounds like a great idea, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I know! Well... catch you later! Enjoy your swim! Or not. Whatever. (Wooldoor turns around and scampers off.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wooldoor passes out of view. Clara, impressed, turns to Toot.
Clara: Wow, Toot! I am impressed! You're not even Christian! How did you know so much about the Bible?
Toot: Eh. I was just giving the speech that Foxxy would have had if she hadn't been tied up in her own plot this week.
Clara: True. True.
The scene changes to the pool. Marty is in one end of the pool talking to Spanky, who is holding what appears to be a large diagram of some sort.
Spanky: (pointing to the diagram) Now, as we see here, the tuxedo, which is made of polyester or something, tends to sweat in the heat, which there is a lot of on this boat, seeing as we're in the tropics. And if we follow the beads of sweat here, we see that the reaction of the bacteria with the chemicals in the air causes what we in the scientific community like to refer to as an "odor". That's what makes a person stinky. So you see, the beauty of the tuxedo T-shirt is that not only is it more comfortable, I'll stink a lot less! Most people seem to be of the opinion that weddings are more pleasant when the best man doesn't possess a noticeable odor.
Marty: Wow. You are really committed to this tuxedo T-shirt idea.
Spanky: I believe in what's good, man. And what feels right. (He puts his hand over his heart.) What feels right in HERE. (Spanky pats his chest for a moment, then looks down, suddenly becoming alarmed.) Good Lord! Have I developed ANOTHER nipple?
The camera cuts to Smack Daddy and Denise in deck chairs in another part of the pool area.
Denise: No, I'm sorry. The "international waters" aspect doesn't apply anymore. The ship is too close to Hawaii now for that to count, if it ever did. If you have sex with me with now, I'm afraid it WILL count as a sin.
Reverend: Not if we's married first!
Denise: I'm not marrying you.
Reverend: Oh. Okay. (There is an awkward silence for a moment. Smack Daddy slowly glances over at Denise. He raises his eyebrows questioningly.)
Denise: It would cost you big, big bucks.
Reverend: Fair enough.
Cut back to Spanky and Marty. Hero swims up to them.
Spanky: Hey, Hero. How'd you make out with Foxxy?
Hero: Not so good. She's still really mad about things. Poor Unusually Flexible Girl's in her room crying and I can't even go comfort her without Foxxy blowing up at me again.
Spanky: No, I meant, how did you make out with her? Did you use your tongue? Was there an exchange of salival fluid? Any groping? (Spanky turns to Marty.) I like when there's groping. (Marty nods, then looks at Hero.)
Marty: I take it the no-sex pact isn't going so well.
Hero: At this point, I'm not even sure that's the main problem. (Hero sighs.) Was it this stressful for you and Toot a few days before you got married?
Marty: Yeah. Yeah, it pretty much was. But look at it this way. In two days, this will all be over. You'll be happily married to Foxxy and on your way to spending the rest of your life with her.
Hero: Right. Spending the rest of my life... with Foxxy. (Hero begins to become very thoughtful. The scene changes back to Denise. Foxxy is now standing in front of her.)
Denise: No! I told you when we found a spot for you, I'd let you know! Now get off my case or I won't even try to help you! (Foxxy sighs in frustration, then turns to Smack Daddy.)
Foxxy: Excuse me? Smack Daddy? May I have a word with you just a moment?
Reverend: Sure, Foxxy! (Foxxy starts to walk away. Reverend Smack Daddy gets up and follows her. Spanky walks up to Denise holding some pieces of paper in his hand.)
Spanky: Hey, I got some travel vouchers I haven't used yet. Can I use them to get a discount on your whoring services?
The scene cuts to Foxxy and Smack Daddy, who have retreated to a quiet spot away from the others.
Reverend: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Reverend Smack Daddy, you promised me that you'd be able to get us a spot on the boat so we could have our wedding. Well, we is supposed to have our rehearsal tomorrow, and our wedding the next day, and we STILL do not have a place available for it. And that cruise director, quite frankly, does not seem very sympathetic to our problems.
Reverend: Yeah, that ho's being a bit more difficult about things than I thought she'd be.
Foxxy: Okay, how about we do this? You're doing more than one show, right?
Reverend: Yeah, three of them! All in the grand ballroom.
Foxxy: Well, why don't you cut one of your shows short and then clear the place out so Hero and I can have it for our wedding?
Reverend: Foxxy, I don't know if I can do that to my fans. These kids gotta hear about the gospel! I gotta spread the word of the Lord, you know!
Foxxy: If Hero and I don't get married, we're just going to be living in sin for the rest of our lives! Do you want your precious Foxxy to go to hell?
Reverend: I guess not. (He pauses for a moment.) All right, Foxxy. I guess I do owe you. I guess it wouldn't hurt me to give up one of my shows so you can have your wedding.
Foxxy: Thank you, Reverend. (She touches his arm gratefully.) Thank you very, very much. You've made both Hero and me extremely happy. (Smack Daddy smiles. Foxxy smiles and walks away. Smack Daddy immediately walks back over to Denise and pulls out a big wad of cash.)
Reverend: All right, baby. I just did a real good deed, so I think God is prepared to overlook what I'm about to ask you to do with me!
The camera cuts to Foxxy, practically bursting with excitement, walking over to pool where Hero is.
Spanky: (to Hero) Seriously, dude. Keep that thing in your shorts, man. I mean, I'M okay with it, but I think you're embarrassing Marty!
Hero: I'm sorry. I guess I was just confused as to when the naked swimming starts.
Foxxy walks over to Hero and kneels down next to the pool.
Foxxy: Oh, Hero, guess what!
Hero: We're going to have sex tonight?
Foxxy: No. (Hero looks sad.) Hero, we've got a spot! We've got a spot for our wedding!
Hero: (excited) We do?
Foxxy: I made Reverend Smack Daddy promise us to end one of his shows early so we could have the ballroom for our wedding!
Hero: That's great, Foxxy! (He reaches out of the pool and hugs her.) So when are we going to be able to get married? Is it the day after tomorrow like we were planning?
Foxxy: I'm not sure. I got so excited, I forgot to ask him when it would be. (Foxxy looks in the direction of where Smack Daddy had been sitting. The area is now vacant.) Damn. Looks like he's gone. I guess I'll have to try to ask him tonight. (She glances around at the others.) Our plans still on for tonight? We all meet in the bar for drinks together?
Hero: Sure!
Marty: Sounds good!
Spanky: (stroking his chin) I'm thinking of growing a goatee!
Foxxy: I'm sure Smack Daddy will show up at some point with some excuse for drinking. Or maybe he'll just claim he's there to save us all from sin. I don't know. But either way, I'm sure he'll be there. I'll just ask him then. In the meantime, I think I'll head back to the cabin. (to Hero) You coming?
Hero: I think I'll stay and hang out at the pool, if that's okay. (Foxxy gives Hero a very blunt look.) Unusually Flexible Girl's still holed up in her cabin, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Okay, then. Enjoy your swim, guys!
Foxxy waves. The others wave back. Foxxy leaves. The guys all look at each other. Hero glances down, once again very thoughtful. The scene fades. It fades back up on the original shot of Foxxy on deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I mean, NOW, it's very clear to me that I was really overreacting. But at the time, I truly felt that my feelings were completely justified. But I think just about anybody would have acted like I did in the scene that followed. To be so happy one minute only to have the rug pulled right out from under you... I don't know if there's a person in the world who wouldn't overreact to THAT.
The scene cuts once again to a long shot of the ship. It is the night following the pool scene. The scene changes to the bar. Unusually Flexible Girl sits at the counter. She is all dressed up, wearing an evening gown. Her demeanor is still somewhat frustrated.
UFG: Wooldoor? Wooldoor, please pay attention to me!
Wooldoor: (voice, out of the camera's view) Later, Mandy! I'm busy right now!
The camera pans over to Wooldoor sitting next to Clara, still pestering her.
Clara: Wooldoor, seriously, I thought you were off this kick!
Wooldoor: Clara, what kind of Christian hangs out in a BAR? This is not an appropriate place for you to be!
Clara: Well, what about you? You're here and you're underage! At least I'm an adult!
Wooldoor: The drinking age is 21, Clara. And last time I checked, you were only 20!
Clara: That was when I first moved into the Drawn Together house, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: (sarcastically) Oh, and I suppose you've aged since then? (Clara sighs in frustration, then gets up.)
Clara: Forget it. I'm not putting up with this anymore. You win, okay, Wooldoor? I'm leaving the bar and going back to my cabin. You happy now?
With that, Clara walks out. Unusually Flexible Girl gets up and walks over to Wooldoor and sits down next to him.
UFG: Okay! Job well done, Wooldoor! You kept Clara from committing a sin by drinking alcohol. So now that you've rescued her mortal soul, perhaps you could spend a little time with your girlfriend? Hmm?
Wooldoor: I don't know. She's going back to her cabin, but... there's no telling what she might do in there! I'd better go follow her to make sure she keeps her underwear on in the shower!
Wooldoor hops out of his chair and dashes out of the room. UFG cries in frustration and buries her face in her hands. Hero and Foxxy walk into the bar, both dressed up.
Hero: Hey, look! Unusually Flexible Girl came out of her cabin! Looks like she's doing better!
Foxxy: Just keep walking, Hero.
Hero: Okay. (UFG raises her head and looks after them in annoyance.)
Foxxy: (seeing somebody else) Oh, look. There's our best friend in the whole world! Let's go say hello to her, why don't we? (They walk over to the person. We see that it is Denise.) Hello, Miss Cruise Director. Remember me?
Denise: Not really, but I'm going to say yes so you don't launch into a huge spiel to try to remind me.
Foxxy: Yeah, that's about what I thought. Anyway, we would like to thank you very much for your assistance, but it looks like we don't need you anymore. We have found a spot for our wedding ourselves!
Denise: (very flatly) Well, good for you. I'm happy for you. So when's the big day? Feel free not to answer me. I really don't care.
Foxxy: Well, I would gladly answer you, but as it happens, I'm not quite sure yet. I need to speak with Reverend Smack Daddy. Do you know where he is right now?
Denise: He's doing one of his shows in the grand ballroom right now. But he'll probably be in here later if you want to talk to him.
Foxxy: Thank you. We will.
Denise: Again, I don't really care. I'm just trying to wrap up the conversation.
Foxxy: Right. Yes, well... sorry to bother you.
Denise: Uh huh.
Foxxy and Hero walk away from Denise. They head over to a table and sit down. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Hey, Foxxy. She said that Smack Daddy was doing a show tonight, right?
Foxxy: Yes?
Hero: Well, why don't you head on down to the ballroom and go ahead and call in that favor he owes you? We can go ahead and get married tonight!
Foxxy: I suppose I *could*... but... I don't know. I'd love to go ahead and get married, but I don't want to do it without all my housemates there. And I think some of them have other plans tonight.
Hero: Ah.
Foxxy: And besides, I'm as eager to get married as you are, Hero, but honestly, do we really need to be in THAT much of a hurry? Especially given how much we've rushed this wedding already?
Hero: Well, I know. It's just that if we went ahead and got married tonight, we could- (Suddenly Hero stops, as if to realize that he is on the verge of committing a big faux pas.)
Foxxy: (sternly, as if she able to sense what Hero is about to say) We could what, Hero?
Hero pauses for a moment, then sighs, deciding to finally say it.
Hero: We could go ahead and start having sex again! There, you happy? I said it!
Foxxy: Oh, goddammit!
Hero: And what, exactly, is so bad about that, Foxxy? Am I supposed to not want to have sex with you? Is that it? Am I not supposed to find you attractive and desirable?
Foxxy: That's not it at all, Hero! It's what it indicates about you!
Hero: What does it indicate about me?
Foxxy: It indicates that not having sex with me is just killing you, and it tells me that you're having doubts about our relationship!
Hero: No, Foxxy! That's not it at all!
Foxxy: It seems to me that if you truly loved me, you'd be willing to go a whole lifetime without having sex with me!
Hero: A lifetime? That's a long time!
Foxxy: Nice math skills there, Hero.
Hero: Foxxy, I am trying to be patient. But ever since we set foot on this boat, you have been jealous, petty, and just as generally difficult as you could be. It's starting to make me seriously wonder if you're actually the sweet, loving, patient person I always thought you were. I'm starting to wonder if maybe you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with after all.
Foxxy: I'm starting to wonder the same thing!
Foxxy and Hero stare at each other angrily for a moment. Finally, they both sigh and look down.
Hero: What is this, Foxxy? What are we doing?
Foxxy: We're letting the stress get to us. That's what we're doing. (She looks up at Hero again.) But we can't do that, Hero. We have to be strong. Now more than ever.
Hero: You're right, Foxxy. We'll get through this.
Foxxy: Of course we will.
There is silence for a moment. After a moment, Foxxy speaks.
Foxxy: So...
Hero: So?
Foxxy: So what do we do now? Just sit here all night?
Hero: Well... I guess we could go back to our cabin.
Foxxy: Yeah, I guess we could. (She looks at Hero.) And do what? You'd better not say "have sex".
Hero: Well...
Foxxy: (not believing what she is hearing) Oh, come ON!
Hero: Well, why not? This whole cruise been one big misery trip so far, we might as well do SOMETHING to enjoy it!
Foxxy: Dear God. Have you not listened to anything I said?
Hero: I've listened to everything you've said, Foxxy! It's just that... I don't know what to do anymore at this point!
Foxxy: I see what it is. (Foxxy gets up from the table.) It's not that you don't love me enough not to have sex with me. It's that you are so dependent on sex for your mental stability that you can't even function as a human being without it! Well, if that's the way you're going to be, Hero, maybe this WAS a mistake! (Foxxy turns and walks away from Hero.)
Hero: Foxxy, wait! Where are you going?
Foxxy: Back to my cabin!
Hero: You mean our cabin.
Foxxy: (turning back to Hero) No, I mean MY cabin. I think you'd better find someplace else to sleep tonight!
With that, Foxxy turns and starts to walk out the door. However, she stops when she hears a voice.
UFG: (voice) Hello, Captain Hero.
Foxxy quickly turns back around to see Unusually Flexible Girl standing in front of Hero. Without missing a beat, she briskly walks back over to the table and grabs Hero out of his chair.
Foxxy: (dragging Hero with her) On second thought, I think you'd better stay in the cabin with me after all, where I can keep an eye on you!
UFG: Foxxy, please! I just need someone to talk to right now!
Foxxy: (holding her other palm out) Then you can just talk to the hand!
Foxxy drags Hero out of the bar. UFG stands looking very frustrated. She sits down, on the verge of tears. She begins sobbing. After a moment, somebody else walks up to her.
Reverend: Excuse me, fine lady. Is this seat taken?
UFG: (looking up to see Smack Daddy) No, not at all. Sit down.
Reverend: Can I buy you a drink, sweet thing?
UFG: I guess so. (She looks at him strangely.) Wait a minute. Aren't you that Christian rapper guy? I thought you didn't approve of alcohol.
Reverend: Only the blood of Jesus, darling. Only the blood of Jesus.
UFG: I see.
Reverend: Speaking of Jesus, are you a believer in the Lord, madam?
UFG: Actually, Reverend... I'm Jewish.
Reverend: Really? With that nose?
Unusually Flexible Girl rolls her eyes and sighs. The scene fades. The scene then fades back up to Hero on deck again.
Hero: (inner monologue) Foxxy and I spent the whole night just sitting there in our cabin together, not saying a word to each other. I might have been more worried about the state of our relationship, but the fact that even though she was totally pissed off at me, that she still wanted to make sure I didn't talk to Unusually Flexible Girl, I took as a sign that she still saw herself as my girl. That sure didn't make the night pass any easier, though. I thought that maybe things would be better once morning dawned again and we'd hopefully be thinking more clearly. That turned out to be EXTREMELY wishful thinking on my part.
The scene changes to Toot's cabin. Marty, Clara, and Ling-Ling are sitting around while Toot makes some last minute preparations in the mirror. They are all dressed up. Clara is obviously feeling some effects from the heat, rubbing her brow and fixing her hair as though to wipe perspiration from it.
Marty: Are you hot, Clara?
Clara: Well... I don't know. I mean, I think I'm pretty attractive, but hot? I don't know if I would go *that* far. I guess I *am* hot... but I probably shouldn't say it lest I sound conceited.
Marty: No, I meant, are you hot temperature-wise? You seem to be sweating a bit.
Clara: I'll be okay, Marty. Thanks. So can anyone tell me why we're all dressed up for the wedding rehearsal this time? We didn't do this when Toot got married!
Toot: (turning around to face the group) Because Foxxy and Hero aren't sure when they might be having the wedding. They told me that if we can go ahead and find a spot for the wedding rehearsal, we might have to do one quick run-through and then go ahead and have the wedding right after that.
Clara: Ah. I see. (She looks over at Toot.) Thank you, Exposition Fairy!
Toot: You're welcome! (walking away from the mirror) So are you guys ready to go?
Clara: I think so. (getting up from the bed) Where are the others?
Toot: I guess they're going to meet us there.
Clara: Meet us where?
Toot: At the place where we're having the wedding rehearsal! Duh!
Clara: Which is?
Toot: No more questions! Let's just go!
Clara: Go where?
Toot: To the site of the- you know.
Clara: No, I don't! Where are we- oh, forget it.
Toot: And Toot wins again!
As the group gets up and starts to walk out the door, Spanky suddenly shows up in the doorway. He is wearing a tuxedo.
Spanky: Hey, guys.
Toot: Hey, Spanky!
Marty: So... you finally decided to give in and put on the tuxedo, huh? Or is that a really, really, REALLY realistic tuxedo T-shirt?
Spanky: No. No, it's a real tuxedo.
Marty: So what changed your mind?
Spanky: Well, I originally wanted to wear the T-shirt because the tuxedo made my gut kind of stand out a bit and I was feeling kind of self-conscious about it. But I did some thinking about it, and I realized that even though I might be middle-aged, paunchy, and bald, it's okay, cause so is Dennis Franz, and he's awesome. (Spanky turns around toward the doorway.) Right, Dennis?
Dennis Franz: (walking by outside, winking and pointing to Spanky) Right, Spanky! (Dennis exits the scene. Spanky smiles and turns to the others.)
Toot: Well, all right then, you guys. Let's get this show on the road!
Clara: Sounds good!
The quintet leaves the cabin. Ling-Ling is still carrying his bag. They walk past Xandir's cabin. The door opens and Xandir walks out.
Xandir: Hey, guys!
Toot: Hey, Xandir.
Suddenly, a look of alarm crosses Ling-Ling's face. He looks at Xandir in total shock. Xandir notices the reaction.
Xandir: What is it? Ling-Ling? Do I still have a little stuff on my face? (He wipes his chin.) There, that should take care of it!
Clara: Xandir, what's that you're carrying with you?
Xandir: Oh, it's just my- oh, look! (He sees Ling-Ling's bag. We see that Xandir is carrying an identical Hello Kitty bag. He holds it out for Ling-Ling to see.) Look, Ling-Ling! We have the same bag! We're purse twins!
Ling-Ling: (still in shock) Uh huh.
Xandir: Oh, this is just so cool! Well, I'll see you guys at the rehearsal!
With that, Xandir, happily swinging his purse, turns and skips down the walkway away from the group. Ling-Ling stands looking at his bag for a moment, then opens one of the cabin doors and chucks the bag inside. He rejoins the group as they continue on their way. The scene changes to another part of the ship. We see Hero in his cabin getting into his tux while Foxxy, wearing the same fancy evening dress we see her wearing in the monologue sequences, sits in a chair.
Hero: So do you know where we're going to be having the rehearsal today, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Well, hopefully, the grand ballroom, but if not, I think with Spanky's help, we can clear the pool area for a makeshift rehearsal spot if we have to.
Hero: The pool? But that won't be anywhere NEAR large enough to have the wedding!
Foxxy: Well, no. There'll be no place for the guests to sit. But we don't need the guests for the rehearsal, and the place is just big enough for the ceremony itself.
Hero: Why don't we get married IN the pool? The guests can sit around the pool, and the wedding party will be IN it! I'm sure we can get the others on board with it. Spanky wouldn't have to wear a tux... Clara wouldn't have to wear high heels... Xandir wouldn't have to wear anything...
Foxxy: Actually, Hero, that's not a bad idea. But since I'm six months pregnant at the moment, I'm not really anxious for the wedding photos to have me in my swimsuit.
Hero: Ah. I see.
Foxxy: And even IF we all got in the pool, that area isn't THAT big. There still wouldn't be enough room for all the guests to be comfortable or to have a reception or anything.
Hero: I guess you're right. I just wanted to have a backup plan in case we couldn't get the grand ballroom for some reason.
Foxxy: Don't worry, Hero. We'll get the grand ballroom. I'm going to MAKE Smack Daddy give it to us. And I can be pretty convincing when I want to be!
Hero: That's sure the truth.
Foxxy: (getting up) I'm going to go see if I can find him now to find out when his next show is. I think I'm going to try to plan on making that our wedding date.
Hero: Even if it's tonight?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. Even if it's tonight. (Hero's face breaks out in a slight smile. Foxxy walks over to Hero.) Hero, look. I know this no-sex pact of ours has taken its toll on our sanity this week.
Hero: Yes.
Foxxy: But look at it this way. It's almost over now, and we're still okay. This means our relationship can withstand anything. Now aren't you glad we waited instead of giving in to temptation?
Hero: I guess I am. I guess you were right again, Foxxy. (Foxxy nods.)
Foxxy: Okay, well... I'm going to go find Reverend Smack Daddy and see if maybe we can't go ahead and tie the knot with each other.
Hero: You want to marry Reverend Smack Daddy? But I thought you wanted to marry ME!
Foxxy: (sighing, but trying to patient) No, Hero. I meant that I'm going to try to find him so you and I can be married.
Hero: Oh. Okay, then. (Foxxy turns and walks toward the door.) I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, okay?
Foxxy: You bet.
Foxxy walks out the door. She heads down the walkway toward the bow of the ship. Reverend Smack Daddy seems to be nowhere to be found. Foxxy continues searching the ship some more. Finally, up on deck, she runs into another figure.
Foxxy: Excuse me? I know you're probably sick of seeing me by now.
Denise: I don't know when we'll have a spot for your stupid wedding, okay? When I find something out, I'll let you know, but in the meantime, quit pestering me!
Foxxy: Actually, that wasn't what I was going to ask you about. I was just wondering if you might know where Reverend Smack Daddy is.
Denise: Don't have a stinking clue. Any other questions?
Foxxy: That's okay, I'll find him myself. So do you know when his next show will be?
Denise: Next show? What are you talking about? His show is over!
Foxxy: Well, I know one of his shows is over. But he told me that he's putting on three shows. I just want to know when the next one will be.
Denise: There is no next one! Last night was his third show! His gig is over now!
Foxxy: Oh, is it, now.
Denise: For all I know, he may not even be on this boat anymore!
Foxxy: It's a nonstop cruise from California to Hawaii. Where on earth would he go?
Denise: I don't know. Maybe he was having sex with a fish or something. Like, for another loophole in his no premarital sex rule.
At that moment, we see that Hero has left the cabin and is heading down the walkway. He arrives on deck to see Foxxy arguing with Denise.
Foxxy: Look, there has to be some mistake. He has to have at least one more show left!
Denise: Well, he doesn't! Look! (Denise hands Foxxy a cruise itinerary. Foxxy looks at it.) You've been on this cruise for three days, and he's had one show each day. Last night was show number three. Now if you're that hard-up to see this guy perform, then go buy one of his records. Or better yet, go buy a copy of the Kama Sutra and write in it after each line "but only if you're married"!
Foxxy: (starting to become crestfallen) Wow. So it's really all over. We missed our chance.
Denise: Yep. Sucks, doesn't it?
Hero walks over to Foxxy.
Hero: Hey, Foxxy! You find Smack Daddy?
Foxxy: No, Hero. I didn't find Smack Daddy.
Hero: That sucks. So when's our wedding going to be?
Foxxy: I don't know, Hero.
Hero: Why not? You told me that Smack Daddy was going to stop one of his shows early so we could have the wedding. So when's his next show going to be?
Foxxy: Never!
Hero: What?
Foxxy: Look at this! (She hands Hero the cruise itinerary. He looks at it.) All of Smack Daddy's shows is over! Last night was the last one! Now we don't have any place to have our wedding!
Hero: Well, that sucks.
Foxxy: Gee, you think?
Hero: But wait a minute. Foxxy, aren't you supposed to be performing a show too? You could just stop YOUR show early and we could have the wedding after IT!
Foxxy: Well... I hate to do that to my fans, but desperate times call for desperate measures. (She begins to look at the paper.) Now, let's just find out when MY show is supposed to be. (She quickly scans the paper.) This doesn't make sense. My name doesn't seem to be on here! (Foxxy hands the paper back to Denise.) Miss Cruise Director, could you tell me when Foxxy Love is supposed to be performing? (Denise reluctantly looks over the paper.)
Denise: Foxxy Love... Foxxy Love... ah. Here we go.
Foxxy: Finally.
Denise: Looks like Foxxy Love's show has been cancelled. (Foxxy becomes outraged.)
Foxxy: Excuse me? What the hell? CANCELLED? How the hell could my show be cancelled? I never cancelled it!
Denise: You didn't. We did.
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Cruise Director?
Denise: The truth is, Miss Love... I'm assuming Foxxy Love is who YOU are?
Foxxy: Yes.
Denise: The truth is, nobody really wants a washed up one-hit wonder playing a big cruise liner like this. So we booked M.C. Hammer instead.
Foxxy: M.C. Hammer???
Denise: Yeah. He had two hits. So, sorry, but... looks like no show for you. (She walks away, tossing the paper back in Foxxy's face.) Ta ta!
Denise exits the scene. Foxxy turns to Hero, extremely angry.
Hero: It'll be okay, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (extremely touchy) Oh, really, Hero? Will it?
Hero: We'll find a place for the wedding, Foxxy. I promise!
Foxxy: Yeah, yeah.
Hero: Foxxy, there's no need to be getting upset with ME. It'll be okay. I promise!
Foxxy: Yes, well, that's not really in your power to promise, is it, Hero?
Hero: Foxxy, I understand you're upset, and you have every right to be. But I don't understand why you're taking it out on ME. (Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment. The scene quickly changes back to Hero on deck.)
Hero: (inner monologue) There were a hundred things I could have said just then that would have pacified Foxxy. I could have told her that I'd use my superpowers to solve everything, or that I'd bully some of the ship people around until they gave us what we wanted... or I could simply have just apologized to her and promised to be more sensitive the next time. But out of all the things I could have said... I ended up choosing the one thing that would actually make things much, much worse.
Cut back to Hero and Foxxy. She is still glaring at Hero.
Hero: Is this about Unusually Flexible Girl?
Foxxy's eyes flare up in an expression halfway between extreme rage and utter disbelief. Foxxy punches Hero in the stomach and continues to stand there just staring at him. Hero clutches his stomach in pain. He looks up after a moment to see that Foxxy is still standing there staring at him. He looks at her plaintively.
Hero: All right, then, Foxxy. If that's the way you feel about things... then I guess there's just one thing I need to do.
With that, Hero turns and walks away. Foxxy watches him go. Her expression is still very angry at first, but after a moment, she softens and begins to look regretful. The scene fades. It fades back up to Foxxy on deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I felt bad about the way I had treated Hero. I knew I was being unnecessarily hard on him, but... my temper was just about at breaking point, and his complete inability to see the point was not making things any better. I realized there were still some problems between us, but I knew that before I did anything else, I had to go make things right with him. I went off looking for Captain Hero, but I was having some trouble finding him. He wasn't in our cabin. I checked to see if he might have gone to the pool, but he wasn't there either. He wasn't in any of our housemates' cabins... or in the bar... or on deck... I didn't know where he was. There was ONE part of the ship I was deliberately trying to avoid looking in. But surely... surely, out of all the places in the world, he wouldn't have gone THERE.
The scene changes to Toot and Clara walking down the walkway.
Toot: I don't get it. I thought I convinced him to give up that fundamentalist crap he was spouting.
Clara: Well, apparently he read the Bible again, and he found some more passages that convinced him he was right in the first place. So he's back to the exact same thing he was doing before.
Toot: I still don't see why you can't just throw him overboard, Clara!
Clara: I can't throw Wooldoor overboard, Toot. Annoying as he is.
Toot: If it's any comfort, I doubt he'd drown. He'd probably get rescued by a dolphin or something.
Clara: That's my point. I couldn't do that to the dolphin!
Toot nods as the girls continue on their way. They run into Foxxy coming the other way.
Foxxy: Hey there, you two!
Toot: Hey, Foxxy. What's up?
Foxxy: My nipples, thanks to this cool ocean breeze that's blowing right at the moment. But that's not important now. Has either of y'all seen Captain Hero?
Clara: Captain Hero? Um... why?
Foxxy: I just need to talk to him, that's all.
Toot: He's in Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, Foxxy. (Clara looks at Toot with alarm. Foxxy raises her eyebrows.)
Foxxy: Oh, is he now? Well, thank you very much for that information, Toot. I will see you two later!
Toot: At the wedding rehearsal?
Foxxy: We'll see!
Foxxy storms off. Clara looks at Toot with concern.
Clara: Toot... are you sure you should have told Foxxy that? I have a feeling there could be big trouble over it.
Toot: Oh, what's the problem, Clara? It's not like there's anything actually HAPPENING between them in there!
The scene immediately cuts to Foxxy clutching the doorknob to UFG's cabin. She opens the door. We instantly see Captain Hero, dressed in only his underwear, sitting on the bed next to UFG, who is under the covers, but who appears to be completely naked. Hero has his arm around her, hugging her. Hero looks up to see Foxxy glaring at him.
Hero: Foxxy! No! This is not what you think!
Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment, then without saying a word, she turns around, slamming the door behind her, and storms off. Hero sits on the bed looking flabbergasted for a moment, then quickly gets up. Without even bothering to put his clothes back on, he hurries out the door in pursuit of Foxxy. UFG sits on the bed looking surprised.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 53: Sea of Troubles
« Result #4 on Oct 18, 2009, 10:20pm » | |
SEA OF TROUBLES
Part 1
The show opens on a shot of the ocean. As the camera pans over, we see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to a shot of the deck of the ship. We see Foxxy, dressed in fancy evening wear, standing on the deck looking out at the ocean. She sighs sadly. The camera cuts to the other side of the ship. We see Hero, dressed in a tuxedo, looking out at the ocean as well. His look is very somber and thoughtful. The scene cuts back to Foxxy. We hear her inner monologue.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess looking back on it, I should have seen something like this coming. We knew we were rushing into things, but somehow that never seemed to bother us. We thought that nothing could possibly go wrong. But somehow it did. And I'm still not quite sure how.
The scene changes to Hero.
Hero: (inner monologue) Where did it all go wrong? This doesn't make sense. Foxxy and I were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. This wasn't part of the script. At least... I didn't THINK it was.
The scene changes back to Foxxy.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) Where DID it all go wrong? (She pauses for a moment.) Actually... I think it was that morning. The day before we left. That's when the seeds were pretty much planted.
The scene fades. It then fades back up on a long shot of the Drawn Together house. The scene changes to the interior where we see all of the housemates minus Wooldoor gathered in the living room.
Spanky: The first thing I plan to do is pee in the ocean!
Toot: (offended) Spanky, don't you know how harmful that is to the environment? You could seriously mess up the ocean's ecosystem!
Spanky: And since when are you so concerned about the ocean's ecosystem?
Toot: Since I decided to bring a bunch of fishing gear so I'll have something to eat when the restaurant deck closes! (She turns to Marty.) Pee-soaked fish... not the most tasty. (She pauses for a moment.) Or healthy. (She thinks for a moment.) Did I mention pee is gross?
Clara: That explains why that Red Lobster buffet made me throw up last night.
Ling-Ling: Carla sure it not-
Clara: No, Ling-Ling, I'm not pregnant. But thanks for asking.
Toot: The way I figure it, I have two main food options if the ship's food totally sucks, like ship food has a tendency to do. Option number one, I can bring my own fishing gear and catch them myself. Sure it'll suck having to clean and gut them, but... at least it'll give Xandir something to do besides hooking up with random cabin boys!
Xandir: I'm not gutting your fish for you, Toot.
Foxxy: Well, congratulations, Xandir, on standing up to Toot! It's about time you decided not to be such a doormat anymore!
Xandir: I mean, I'd gladly do it for her. It's just that those knives are really sharp and I might cut my pretty, pretty hands!
Clara: So why don't you just wear gloves or something?
Xandir: Oh, I can't. The only pair of gloves I have is back at my parents' house, and I can't go back THERE now! Not since they caught me making out during Lord of the Rings!
Hero: Lord of the Rings?
Xandir: It's like our Schindler's List. Don't question it. (He turns to Toot.) So sorry, Toot. You'll have to gut your fish yourself. (Toot scowls.)
Spanky: Oh, well, guess that's out! Looks like you'll have to turn to option number two.
Toot: I guess I will.
Spanky: So what's option number two?
Toot: You.
Spanky: Get serious, Toot. I'm not gutting your fish for you!
Toot: Did I mention fish? (She grins at Spanky. Spanky is momentarily confused before he suddenly realizes what Toot is getting at.)
Spanky: (becoming horrified) Oh, no! No, no, no. We are NOT going down THAT road again!
Toot: (turning to Clara) Hey, Clara, you're not taking that much, right? Would there be room in your suitcase to bring along a portable grill? (She looks at Spanky evilly.) And some barbecue sauce! (She grins.)
Spanky: (turning to Xandir in a panic) Xandir?
Xandir: (clasping his hands in fear) My hands!
Clara: Spanky, if Xandir cuts his hands, what will he have to masturbate with?
Spanky: His feet?
Xandir: I wish! Unfortunately, my toes aren't that dextrous.
Marty: They're probably weighed down by all the hair.
Toot: Well... I guess I could always ask Wooldoor to do it.
Foxxy: Speaking of Wooldoor... where is the man... er... whatchamacallit... that is going to be marrying Hero and myself?
Clara: Oh, he was misbehaving earlier, so I sent him up to his room. I told him to just sit there and read the Bible for a while.
Toot: (skeptically) The Bible?
Clara: There's nothing wrong with the Bible, Toot. And besides, Wooldoor might learn something.
Toot: Oh, come on, Clara. You really think that reading the Bible is going to alter Wooldoor's behavior?
At that moment, Wooldoor comes walking down the stairs, still reading the Bible. He arrives at the bottom of the stairs.
Wooloor: (not looking up from the Bible) Hey, guys!
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor. So how's (she makes air quotes) "The Bible"? (Clara looks at Toot with disapproval.)
Clara: Air quotes, Toot? Seriously?
Wooldoor: (He looks at Clara.) Thanks, Clara. Making me read this has really helped put my life back on the straight and narrow. I'll be forever in your debt.
Clara: You're welcome, Wooldoor!
Hero: Speaking of straight and narrow... (he turns to Foxxy) I've got something straight and narrow that I'd like to put back on YOUR life! Er, I mean... something straight that I'd like to put in your narrows. Um, I mean... that is to say... (He shrugs.) You want to have sex?
Foxxy: Why, Hero, I'd be delighted! What say the two of us go upstairs and procreate right now?
Hero: Foxxy, we've... kind of already done that. (He looks at her stomach. Foxxy follows his eyes down. She suddenly realizes what he meant.)
Foxxy: Oh! Procreate means to have babies? I thought it just meant have sex!
Wooldoor: The hell you will! (Everyone turns to Wooldoor in shock.)
Foxxy: Say what now?
Wooldoor: You two can't have sex! You're not even married yet! Having sex outside of marriage is a sin!
Hero: And since when are YOU so concerned with sinful sex?
Wooldoor: (holding up the Bible) Since I started reading this thing, that's when!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, how could you not have known that already? You're a priest, for God's sake!
Wooldoor: (He turns to the others.) Have you guys ever actually read this thing? Wow... so much I didn't know! I just kind of skimmed it before. There's all kinds of crazy crap in here! (He turns back to Foxxy and Hero.) You know, technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom either. But I guess *maybe* I can let that one slide.
Foxxy: Uh... thank you?
Wooldoor: But the premarital sex thing? I have to enforce that.
Hero: Couldn't we give up going to the bathroom instead?
Spanky: I'm glad I'm not the one having to make this choice. I could never do it. Or maybe I could. (He turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, can I go to the bathroom and then just masturbate instead of having sex?
Wooldoor: Sorry, Spanky. But masturbation is a sin, too.
Spanky: (looking at Foxxy and Hero.) Damn. Guess I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, then!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, this is silly. And besides, Hero and I have already had sex lots of times, so the purity boat kind of already sailed for us a long time ago.
Wooldoor: Well... maybe it's too late for you on THAT front... but you could still try to make it right by remaining celibate at least until your wedding.
Spanky: Ha! Fat chance of THAT!
Foxxy: What's the matter, Spanky? You don't think we can do it?
Spanky: Foxxy, the wedding is a week away. Have you two EVER gone that long without having sex?
Hero: Yes, we have!
Foxxy: Right when Hero and me first got together with each other-
Clara: Hero and I.
Foxxy: Don't be silly, Clara. You and Hero never had sex. (She turns back to Wooldoor.) When Hero and me first got together, we waited a whole week until we had sex. You guys remember?
Spanky: Yeah... but... that was a long time ago. And you've had sex a LOT since then. Now maybe you could get by without the sex that first week because you hadn't really had that much with each other before. But now that you've been together for three years, and you've had sex approximately three times a day-
Hero: Four times!
Spanky: I'm saying that the sexual instinct is so ingrained in you by now that the thought of going even one day, let alone an entire week, without sex is at this point pretty much impossible. Face it, Foxxy. That's what your thing is. The sex!
Foxxy: Whatchoo talking about, Spanky? What do you mean, that's what our thing is?
Spanky: See, all the couples in this house have their own thing. Clara and Ling-Ling have the mushiness.
Clara: (swoony) Oh, we DO, don't we, Ling-Ling?
Spanky: Toot and Marty have the sarcasm.
Toot: Oh, gee, THAT'S a prize.
Spanky: And you guys have the sex.
Foxxy: Spanky, I resent your implication that Hero and my relationship is about nothing but sex. Sure, we have lots of sex, but we also have a strong bond with each other. A closeness that goes way beyond just sex... and one which certainly doesn't need sex to thrive and prosper.
Spanky: Then prove it. See if you can make it all the way to the wedding without having sex again.
Foxxy: We will! (She turns to Hero.) Won't we, Hero?
Hero: (slightly worried) Um... sure. Of course... we will. (Foxxy looks at Spanky defiantly, but Hero is very troubled.)
Foxxy: Now, then. Hero and I are going to go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise. And by "packing for the cruise", I do NOT mean that as a metaphor for having sex.
Toot: Well, while we're on the subject, I think that Marty and I will go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise as well. (She and Marty get up.) And unlike Foxxy, when I say "packing for the cruise", I *do* mean that as a metaphor for having sex! (She begins to walk upstairs, passing by Foxxy and Hero. She stops and turns to them.) Sucks to not be married, doesn't it? (Grinning, Toot turns and continues walking upstairs, followed by Marty. Foxxy scowls, then turns and walks upstairs herself, followed by an apprehensive Hero. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.)
Clara: Ling-Ling, I'm not very comfortable with this cruise packing metaphor. Can you and I go upstairs and just have sex? (Ling-Ling nods enthusiastically.) Clara picks him up and starts to carry him upstairs. Wooldoor stops her.)
Wooldoor: Hold on a second, you two. Where the hell do you think you're going?
Clara: We're going upstairs to have sex, Wooldoor. (He looks at her with anger.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Ling-Ling and I are married. It's okay for us to have sex now.
Wooldoor: Oh, is it, Clara? IS IT?
Clara: What are you talking about, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: You can't have sex now, Clara! It's the middle of the day, for God's sake!
Clara: So?
Wooldoor: And besides, sex between even couples who are married is only okay if it's for the purposes of procreation! Doing it solely for pleasure makes you a whore!
Clara: Well, Ling-Ling and I *are* trying to have a baby.
Wooldoor: Oh. You are? (Clara nods.) I guess it's okay, then. I guess I was a bit hasty in calling you a whore.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Now if I come up to your room afterward and you're not with child... THEN I'll call you a whore!
Clara stands there stunned. Ling-Ling looks confused. As the two continue to just stare for a moment, Wooldoor turns away in triumph and begins walking toward the kitchen.
Spanky: (calling to Wooldoor) Hey, Wooldoor, I'm going to go masturbate for a while. Is that okay?
Wooldoor: (as he walks away) Knock yourself out, man!
Spanky: Thanks! (Wooldoor exits. Spanky turns and walks upstairs. Clara stands in the middle of the living room holding Ling-Ling, still stunned. She looks at the only remaining person in the room, Xandir.)
Xandir: Hey, Clara?
Clara: Yes?
Xandir: Don't tell Wooldoor I'm gay, okay? I mean, I'm sure he probably knows, but... you know... just in case... I don't really want to start anything.
Still trying to come to grips with what just happened, Clara turns and walks back upstairs with Ling-Ling. Xandir shrugs and turns on the television. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a shot of the ocean once again. The camera cuts to Hero standing on the deck again.
Hero: (inner monologue) You know, thinking on it, this was pretty much my fault. If I hadn't done what I did, we wouldn't be in this situation now. Sure, I didn't mean any harm. And looking back, yeah, it probably wasn't a smart thing to do. But at the time, it was what felt right. And more importantly, I had always felt that no matter what we did, Foxxy and me, as a couple, were rock solid and utterly indestructible. I guess that's what you get when you try to tempt fate one too many times.
The scene changes back to the house once again. The housemates are standing around the living room with all of their luggage and travel belongings. Toot holds a fishing rod and a large tackle box. They are all dressed in vacation clothes again. Clara is wearing a blue Hawaiian print blouse, her purple sarong from Big Twist II, a large beach hat, and wicker sandals. Toot is wearing a dark green Hawaiian print dress and flip-flops, while Marty has a green polo shirt, Hawaiian shorts, and sandals. Foxxy is wearing an orange halter top, a red sarong, and flip-flops. Hero is wearing a baby blue Hawaiian shirt, tan cargo shorts, and flip-flops. Wooldoor has on a dark blue Hawaiian shirt, red shorts, and socks with sandals. Xandir is wearing a white T-shirt tied around his stomach, white shorts, and sneakers with no socks. Spanky has on an orange Hawaiian shirt and brown shorts while Ling-Ling is wearing only a Gilligan hat. Clara looks at Wooldoor with disapproval.
Clara: Seriously, Wooldoor? Socks with sandals?
Wooldoor: What's wrong with socks with sandals?
Clara: Well, one, it looks tacky, and two, the socks kind of negate the whole point of wearing sandals.
Wooldoor: Which is what? To flaunt your feet like a whore?
Clara: Wearing open-toed shoes does not make me a whore, Wooldoor. In fact, Jesus wore sandals!
Wooldoor: Yeah, well, you die on the cross for the sins of the world and I *might* let that one slide for you.
Clara: I sure FEEL like I'm being crucified right now.
Toot: Come on, guys! Let's go get on the boat! Toot toot!
Wooldoor: Toot, why did you just say your name twice?
Toot: I didn't, Wooldoor. I was making a sound like a boat whistle.
Wooldoor: You said "toot toot".
Toot: Right. That's the sound a boat whistle makes.
Wooldoor: It's also your name.
Toot: Okay, well... yeah.
Wooldoor: So were you named after a boat whistle?
Toot: No, Wooldoor. Don't be silly.
Wooldoor: But being silly is my entire reason for being!
Spanky: You know, "toot" is another word for fart. You weren't named after THAT, were you?
Toot: (decidedly displeased) No, Spanky.
Spanky: (disappointed) Oh. Cause I was about to say, it would have made you a lot cooler if you had been.
Wooldoor: I was named after 19th century United States President Rutherford B. Hayes!
Foxxy: But your name is Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: That's right.
Clara: How did they possibly get the name Wooldoor out of a name like Rutherford B. Hayes?
Wooldoor: They didn't.
Clara: (turning to Foxxy) You packed his meds, right? (Foxxy nods.)
Wooldoor: That's not what I said, Clara. I said I was named AFTER him. He was from the 19th century, so obviously he got named long before any of us did! (He pauses.) I think. (He turns to Toot.) Toot, how old-
Toot: (very angry) Not THAT old!
Clara: Wooldoor, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Hero: Even dumber than my idea for reusable condoms?
Wooldoor: Oh, IS it, Clara? How is it any dumber than say... going to hell for being a WHORE?
Clara: Oh, God, are we still on that kick?
Wooldoor: (gasping) Taking the Lord's name in vain? Oh, now are you going to hell even faster, you sinful harlot!
Toot: (to Spanky) What's a harlot?
Spanky: I think it's a Jewish whore.
Toot: You mean like me?
Spanky: Yeah, you wish.
Clara: Wooldoor, what are you going on about NOW?
Wooldoor: I saw you kissing Ling-Ling at breakfast this morning!
Clara: So? There's nothing wrong with kissing! And as I mentioned last night, he IS my husband!
Wooldoor: Kissing leads to dancing. And dancing leads to sex. I'm not sure where sex leads to, but it's something really bad.
Spanky: Butt sex?
Wooldoor: Not right now, Spanky. But thanks for the offer. (Spanky is mildly creeped out.)
Ling-Ling: Get off Carla's back, Sockbat! He see Hero doing much worse thing this morning! He kiss chocolate animal woman in unspeakable place!
Wooldoor: Oh, really? (He walks over to Foxxy and Hero.) So, Captain Hero... where exactly did you kiss Foxxy this morning?
Foxxy: On my ass. (Wooldoor is shocked.)
Hero: Foxxy's just kidding, Wooldoor. I kissed her hand. And I'm pretty sure the Bible says that's okay. (Wooldoor eyes the two of them skeptically.)
Wooldoor: So are you two keeping your vow? You staying celibate like you promised?
Foxxy: Yes, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You're not starting to waver, are you? Maybe feeling a little pressure? A little moment of weakness?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I assure you, we are FINE.
Wooldoor: Good. That's all I needed to hear. (He turns back to the others, resuming his happy demeanor.) So are we going to be able to get in the water on this cruise? I want to eat a dolphin!
Clara: You mean pet a dolphin?
Wooldoor: Why, what'd I say?
Foxxy: Well, come on, y'all. We could stand around here trading witty banter with each other all day, but if we's not going to be left behind, we'd best be making our way to the boat now.
The others nod and begin to pick up their gear. However, right as they're about to walk out, the doorbell rings.
Toot: (annoyed) Oh, it figures! Now that we're about to leave for a month, my cheese of the month club delivery finally shows up! (She sighs.) Oh, well. I guess I can just take it with me. If it goes bad on the boat, I can always use it for bait.
Toot walks briskly to the door and opens it. There she is greeted with a surprise. Instead of a delivery person, the person at the door is a familiar redhead wearing sunglasses, a light blouse, green shorts, and flip-flops.
Toot: (taken aback) Stretchy girl?
The others are all surprised. Hero and Wooldoor walk up to Unusually Flexible Girl. Foxxy looks at her suspiciously, but says nothing.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl? What are you doing here? Don't you know we're about to leave for the cruise?
UFG: I know. (She turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, look. I know I told you I couldn't make it. I promised to take my nana to a Hummel collecting convention the same week as the wedding. But then she died, so now I'm free!
Wooldoor: (excited) That's great! (He quickly becomes solemn.) About you being free, I mean. Not about your nana dying. That's sad.
UFG: Yeah.
Foxxy: Now hold on a second. I thought you told us your nana was already dead! Didn't she die of loneliness or something?
UFG: Yeah, that was my other nana. I have two.
Wooldoor: Well, that makes sense!
UFG: So if it's not too much trouble, I would really like to go on the cruise, you guys. You guys are two of my dearest friends, and it would really mean a lot to me.
Hero: Why, of course, Nancy!
UFG: Mandy.
Hero: Wow, I wasn't even close that time! But of course you can come to our wedding, Mandy.
Foxxy: No, she can't. (Hero turns to Foxxy in alarm.)
Hero: She can't?
Foxxy: Reverend Smack Daddy told us we could only have 25 seats between us. And unfortunately, those 25 slots have all been filled.
Spanky: Oh, dude. That just gave me an idea for the best porn movie EVER!
Xandir: Actually, Foxxy... Ernesto and I got into a big tiff last night and he won't be going. So it looks like there's a spot open!
Clara: (to Xandir) Ernesto?
Xandir: Yeah, well... I couldn't decide whether to use my invite for Fernando or Ernesto, so I told the two they could fight to the death for it, and Ernesto won!
Toot: (in complete shock) You actually had one of your boyfriends murder the other?
Xandir: Murder? Oh, no, don't be silly! When I say, death, I meant for them to fight until one of them got their pretty face all scratched up! For us to go out in public like that WOULD be death. (He pauses sadly.) A kind of death, at least.
Toot: So if Ernesto backed out, then why not just let Fernando go in his place?
Xandir: Did you not hear what I said about his face? He's not going out like that!
Spanky: And yet he has no problems showing his REGULAR face in public?
Wooldoor: So Mandy can come with us! Yay!
Foxxy: Now hold on, Wooldoor. It's not that I'm trying to keep Unusually Flexible Girl off the boat or anything, but... um... that invitation DOES belong to Xandir. So it would only be fair if it went to somebody HE wanted to invite.
Xandir: That's okay, Foxxy. Now that I think about it, having a boyfriend along on the cruise could be detrimental to my efforts to hook up with random strangers.
Clara: Wooldoor, did you hear what Xandir just said? Hooking up with random strangers?
Wooldoor: Sure, Clara, what about it?
Clara: Never mind.
Wooldoor: (turning back to UFG) I'm so excited you're getting to go, Mandy! Just think of all the fun stuff we can do on that cruise together! We can pee in the ocean...
UFG: I don't know, Wooldoor. Foxxy hasn't even said I can go yet.
Hero: Well, that doesn't matter. This is my wedding too and I say you can go!
Wooldoor: Yay! (Foxxy's look immediately changes to one of shock and a bit of anger.)
UFG: Oh, thank you guys so much! (She proceeds to throw her arms around Hero in a huge, grateful hug.) You're the greatest, Hero!
Hero: I know. (UFG lets Hero go and starts to grab her things.) So what are we waiting for, you guys? That boat's about to leave, we'd better go get on it!
Toot: That's what I'm saying!
Spanky: Spanky Spanky!
One by one, all the others pick up their stuff and follow UFG out. Foxxy and Hero are the last two left in the house. Hero picks up his things and starts to walk out the door. He stops to talk to Foxxy, who has recovered from her shock, but is still very skeptical.
Hero: Come on, Foxxy, let's go! It wouldn't be a very fun wedding if the only person who didn't make it was the bride! (He thinks for a moment.) I could marry Spanky, I guess. That'd be kind of gay, though.
Foxxy: Hero... are you sure about this? About inviting her, you mean?
Hero: Why, what's the problem?
Foxxy: No problem, I guess. I'm just worried something bad might come of it, that's all.
Hero: Don't be silly, Foxxy. What could happen?
Foxxy: I wish you hadn't said that. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly. Foxxy shrugs.) Never mind. Let's go get on the boat, okay?
With that, Foxxy picks up her things and follows Hero out of the house. The scene fades. After a moment, the scene fades back up on the deck of the ship, this time on Foxxy's side.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess if I'd really wanted to, I could have stopped her from coming. But as suspicious as I was, I felt that it would be better if I didn't make an issue of things. After all, no sense putting ideas in Hero's head if they wasn't already there. But... WAS they already there? Even now, I'm still not sure. All I know is that if I'd just fought Hero a little harder on the matter, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now.
Foxxy sighs. The scene dissolves to a long shot of the deck of the ship sometime earlier. The housemates have just boarded. We see them walking to their cabins carrying their gear.
Spanky: So which deck is the naked swimming on?
Clara: Excuse me?
Spanky: The swimming without clothes. Which deck is it on?
Clara: I'm pretty sure this isn't one of THOSE kind of cruises.
Toot: It isn't? Then forget it, I'm not staying. (She starts to walk back toward the deck.) Come on, Marty, let's blow this popsicle stand.
Marty: (starts to follow Toot, then suddenly stops) Wait a minute. Toot, stop. (Toot raises her arms questioningly.) That's very funny. (Toot smiles and shrugs as if to say "What?")
Hero: It's okay, guys. I'll just go ask the cruise director what deck we can use for naked swimming.
Wooldoor: Yay!
Clara: Why do I suddenly feel out of place again?
Foxxy: I'll go with you to talk to the cruise director, Hero. As long as we're here, we might as well try to go ahead and find out where we're going to be able to have our wedding.
Hero: Sounds good to me! (Hero and Foxxy walk off.)
Spanky: You know what? We can just find any pool. I'll just fart a lot so everyone else will stay away.
Toot: But then WE'LL have to swim in your stinkiness!
Spanky: No, no. I'll only fart at the entrance to the pool. The pool area itself will still be gas-free.
Clara: That seems like a pretty drastic way to get the pool to ourselves, but I don't really feel like dealing with a lot of people on this cruise, so I'll welcome it.
Spanky: (His eyebrows raise.) Oh? So does this mean you're going to come naked swimming with us, Clara?
Clara: Never mind. I didn't realize THAT'S what you were doing.
Toot: Oh, come on and join us at the pool, Clara! If it's any comfort, we'll let YOU wear clothes.
Clara: While the rest of you strut about shoving all your stuff in my face? Oh, thank you so much for that treat, Toot!
Toot: Don't mention it!
Cut to Foxxy and Hero making their way back to the deck. As they walk toward the deck, we hear a familiar voice call out.
Reverend: Foxxy!
Hero: Oh, yeah, I forgot HE was going to be here. (At that moment, Reverend Smack Daddy walks over to the two of them. He takes Foxxy by the hands.)
Foxxy: Hey, y'all.
Reverend: I'm so glad you guys could make it, Foxxy. We're looking forward to having you sing with us on this boat!
Foxxy: Don't mention it, Reverend. (The Reverend lets go of her hands. Foxxy holds up a finger to him.) Now remember... you promised to leave me and my housemates alone on this cruise.
Reverend: I haven't forgotten, Foxxy. And don't worry, I intend to keep my vow.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: I'm very excited for the both of you. Really, I am.
Hero: Me too!
Reverend: And I bet y'all is looking forward to all that hot nasty sex y'all are going to have once y'all is married, ain't you? (A look of worry suddenly crosses Hero's face.)
Foxxy: We sure are! (The Reverend smiles.) Oh, by the way, Reverend, about our wedding... do you know where we're going to be able to have it?
Reverend: Not yet, Foxxy. But the cruise director assures me they'll have a spot set aside for you in plenty of time for y'all to set things up.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: Well, I guess I'd best be leaving y'all alone now. Y'all probably wants to go have some hot premarital sex now.
Hero: That's... that's permitted?
Reverend: Well... not technically. You'll still be sinning for a few days. But once y'all is married, God will forgive you for those sins since it ended up being your future wife you was having all that sinning with.
Hero: Um... okay. I guess.
Reverend: I'll see you guys later, then. See you at the show, Foxxy. (He gives her a quick peck on the cheek. Foxxy smiles. The Reverend walks away. Hero turns to Foxxy excitedly.)
Hero: Did you hear that, Foxxy? We can go ahead and have sex again and we won't be sinners!
Foxxy: That's right, Hero, I guess we can. (Hero beams gleefully.) But we won't. (Hero's expression quickly changes to a frown.)
Hero: We won't?
Foxxy: Hero, you know where I stand on the whole sex issue. I don't believe that sex between two people who love each other is a sin, regardless of whether they's married or not. But that ain't why we're doing this!
Hero: It isn't?
Foxxy: No! We're doing this to prove to everybody that there's more to our relationship than just sex!
Hero: Oh.
Foxxy: Now, Hero, I'll admit, there's nothing I want more than for you to take me back to our cabin right now and do me for the next seven hours straight.
Hero: Seven hours?
Foxxy: Well, Oprah comes on in seven hours, and we have to stop then. I've found you miss too much if you try having sex while the show is still on.
Hero: Ah, gotcha.
Foxxy: But we can't. Hero... I want us to prove that we are just as strong a couple without the sex as we are with it. If we can make it until the wedding without having any more sex... (she looks at him seductively)... then, I think that'll be a pretty good indication that we's doing the right thing getting married to each other.
Hero: (smiling at Foxxy) Well... when you put it THAT way...
Foxxy: Now come on. Let's go find the cruise director and see if they've got a spot open for us.
Foxxy continues to make her way toward the deck of the ship, with Hero right beside her. They stop right as they reach the deck.
Hero: Is that the cruise director?
Foxxy: I think so.
Hero: Huh. Well, that's weird.
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I think I know her from somewhere. I may be wrong, though.
Foxxy: Well, let's go talk to her.
Foxxy and Hero walk up to the cruise director, who we only see from behind.
Foxxy: Excuse me. Miss Cruise Director? May we have a quick word with you?
She turns toward the couple. We see that the cruise director is none other than a certain stone-faced young woman.
Denise: Yes? What do you want?
Foxxy: I'm not sure if Reverend Smack Daddy may have mentioned us to you. I'm Foxxy Love and this is Captain Hero.
Denise: Yeah, um... I don't really bother to learn people's names. So I don't know who you or this Smack Daddy person is. And to be honest, I'm not planning to make an effort to become familiar with them over the course of this cruise.
Foxxy: Smack Daddy is the performer who is headlining this particular cruise.
Denise: Oh, right. The Christian rapper. The one who raps about all the nasty sex stuff and specifies it's only okay if you're married.
Hero: That's the guy!
Denise: I don't like him. He's way too judgmental about people being hoes. Didn't stop him from giving me a hundred bucks last night, though. Apparently, if it's in international waters, that's a "gray area".
Foxxy: Yes, I see you've met the gentleman. Well, my name is Foxxy Love, and this is my fiance, Captain Hero. Smack Daddy told us we could have our wedding on the ship in exchange for performing on the cruise with him.
Denise: "Performing on the cruise with him". Well, I guess it's all right as long as you keep that sort of thing in your cabin.
Foxxy: I did not mean that as a sexual euphemism. And now I'm suddenly hoping that Smack Daddy didn't either. But anyway, what I meant was that I'm going to be singing here one night.
Denise: And I'm supposed to care about this... why?
Foxxy: He told us we'd be able to have our wedding here on the boat. Now what I want to know from you is, where will we be able to have it, and what day will it be?
Denise: Let me get this straight. You expect us to just put aside our entire cruise schedule and just give one of our decks to you for an entire day? I don't even know who you are!
Foxxy: I just told you!
Denise: Yeah, I wasn't listening.
Foxxy: Look. Is every single deck on the ship going to be occupied every single day of the cruise? All we need is one deck for one day. We'll be GLAD to pay for it.
Denise: Fine. I'll check the schedule and see if I can find something open for you. But I'm not promising anything.
Foxxy: Well, I guess that's about the best I can do for now.
Denise: It is.
Foxxy: Come on, Hero. Let's go back and join the others.
Foxxy turns and begins to walk off. Hero, however, remains on deck with Denise.
Hero: So, a hundred dollars, huh? What all do you do for that? Do you go all the way? Cause if so, that is an EXCELLENT deal! Do you know what the whores back home cost?
Foxxy: Hero!
Hero: (to Denise) I gotta go. (Hero turns and scampers back toward Foxxy.) Hey, Foxxy, I think I've just figured out what we can get Spanky for his birthday!
Foxxy: Hero, I want to go back to our cabin now, and I want you to escort me there.
Hero: Why? Are you worried about getting attacked?
Foxxy: No, I just want you around in case we run into Reverend Smack Daddy. I have a feeling that if we do, I'll be overcome with an overwhelming urge to beat the crap out of him.
Hero: And you want me to stop you?
Foxxy: No, I want you to help me!
With that, Foxxy and Hero turn and walk back to their cabin. The scene fades. It fades back up on another deck of the ship. Clara is lying in a deck chair reading a book. Except for having kicked her sandals off, she is wearing the same clothes as before. Wooldoor stands next to the railing eagerly looking out at the ocean.
Wooldoor: Wow! Do you see that ocean, Clara?
Clara: (without turning away from her book) Am I looking in the direction of the ocean, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: No.
Clara: Well, there you go.
Wooldoor: I never knew the ocean was so big! Wow... if Jesus walked across THIS thing, he truly was the son of God! (At that moment, a dolphin hops out of the water, then quickly submerges again.) Ooh, a dolphin! How pretty! (Wooldoor licks his lips.)
At that moment, Ling-Ling bounds out onto the deck holding a small container. He hops up on the chair next to Clara.
Clara: Hello, Ling-Ling! What do you have there? (Ling-Ling holds out a small bag on a strap.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get this at Sanrio store right before he board! Look! (Clara looks at the bag.)
Clara: A purse?
Ling-Ling: No be silly, Carla. It Hello Kitty fanny pack.
Clara: But it's on a strap.
Ling-Ling: (slightly disappointed) Yeah, well... it turn out Ling-Ling fanny not big enough to wear pack as intended. So he have to get strap to carry it around with.
Clara: Well, it's very cute, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling smiles. Wooldoor turns around and walks over to the couple.)
Wooldoor: Hey, you guys! You think if I asked Toot real nice, she'd let me borrow her fishing gear? Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, do you guys know what dolphins like to eat? (Clara and Ling-Ling both shake their heads. Wooldoor sees Ling-Ling's bag.) Ling-Ling, what's that?
Ling-Ling: It Hello Kitty fanny pack. Ling-Ling use it to carry around valuables.
Wooldoor: Well, I hope one of those valuables is your SOUL, because that's what you've just sacrificed to the Dark Lord by carrying around a man purse!
Ling-Ling: No! Sockbat have it all wrong! It not purse! It Japorean!
Wooldoor: It looks like a purse to me.
Ling-Ling: Well, it not!
Wooldoor: Ling-Ling, are you sure about that?
Ling-Ling: Yes!
Wooldoor: Well... okay, then. (Without missing a beat, he quickly turns to Clara.) Oh, look at that. Look who's showing her stuff again. You proud of those legs, Clara? Hmm? You proud of those boobs? Well, you should be. Cause they're quite nice.
Clara: Wooldoor, please, give it a rest. There is absolutely nothing about my current ensemble that is indecent.
Wooldoor: (quickly tossing Clara a jacket) Here. Cover yourself up, whore!
Clara: Wooldoor, it's close to 90 degrees on this boat!
Wooldoor: I said ZIP IT UP, WHORE!
Clara covers her face in frustration. The scene fades to Toot and Marty's cabin. Toot sits on the bed while Marty attempts to talk on a cell phone.
Toot: And that's why my name appears in air stewardess training manuals under the heading "Don't Ever Do This"!
Marty: That's nice, Toot. (Marty winces and looks at the phone in frustration.) Dammit, why can't I get a signal on this boat?
Toot: Why? Who do you want to call?
Marty: Ghostbusters. (Toot looks at Marty oddly for a minute, then smiles.)
Toot: Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there. Very clever. (She turns around.) Say, Marty, can you zip me up? (Marty looks at Toot, slightly confused.)
Marty: But... you're not wearing anything that zips. (Toot cranes her head and grins at Marty.) Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there.
Marty quickly puts the phone on the table and hops on the bed and begins making out with Toot. As the two roll around on the bed, becoming progressively less dressed, we hear a voice come over the phone.
Operator: Hello? This is the operator speaking. How can I help you? (There is no sound except Toot and Marty's lovemaking noises.) Hello? Is anyone there? (Still no response.) Hello? (Still no response.) Oh, goddammit, did somebody suddenly start having sex while they were in the middle of trying to make a call? (The operator sighs.) Goddammit, I hate it when that happens!
As Toot and Marty continue cavorting around on the bed, Spanky walks up to their door. He looks inside and sees them getting it on. His eyebrows raise. A big smile beginning to form on his face, Spanky proceeds to stand and watch the two carrying on. After a minute, he hears the voice on the phone and looks over.
Operator: Hello? I'm serious, quit having sex right now or I'm going to hang up!
Spanky walks over to the phone and picks it up.
Spanky: (into phone, in a high-pitched voice) Hello?
Operator: Finally! How can I help you?
Spanky: Um, I was trying to reach a friend of mine. Can you help me?
Operator: What's your friend's name?
Spanky: Ignatius Parkinson Freely. But you can call him by his initials, I.P. (Spanky snickers.)
Operator: Just a minute! (We hear a dial tone. Spanky looks confused. After a moment, another voice comes on the line.)
Voice: Hello?
Spanky: (in his normal voice) Hello? Who is this?
Voice: This is I.P. Freely. Who the hell is this? (Spanky chuckles.)
Spanky: Oh, man, that's just too funny. Hey- are you friends with a guy named Seymour?
Voice: Seymour?
Spanky: Yeah. Last name, Cox?
Voice: Oh, yeah! Seymour Cox! Great guy. Great guy. So what's up with Seymour?
Spanky: Um... he died.
Voice: He died?
Spanky: Yeah. Um... he died of... uh... that disease... that disease that makes you stop living. Uh... bye. (Spanky quickly hangs up.) Wow! I am really rusty on my prank calls! In my younger days, I'd have been much better prepared for that one! (Spanky pauses for a second.) Now why the hell did I come in here?
Toot: Oh, Marty!
Spanky: Ah, right, the midget sex.
Toot: Goddammit, Marty and I are not midgets! Well... I'm not, at least. I'm on the short end of average.
Marty: Is Spanky watching us have sex?
Toot: Apparently.
Marty: So why didn't you lock the door?
Spanky: Wouldn't matter, I can pick the lock. (Spanky walks over to the bed. Toot and Marty have stopped their activity.) Hey, guys. How's it going?
Marty: I'm not a midget either, Toot.
Toot: We'll see what the dictionary has to say about that.
Marty: Something we can help you with, Spanky?
Spanky: No, no. (He pulls up a chair in front of the bed.) The floor show's enough. Carry on, you two.
Toot: Spanky... bait.
Spanky: Fair enough. All right, I'll get to business. Toot, I want to run something by you real quick. A minor change to the wedding procedure.
Toot: How minor?
Spanky: Instead of the groom kissing the bride, how the best man gets to-
Toot: No!
Spanky: But you didn't even know what I was going to say!
Toot: Yeah, actually I pretty much did.
Spanky: Fine. No, what I wanted to ask you was, instead of a tuxedo... how about I wear a T-shirt with a tuxedo design on it?
Toot: Are you serious?
Spanky: So that's no?
Toot: Yeah, sorry, Spanky, but I can't let you do that. It would make the whole wedding look cheap and tawdry!
Spanky: Yes, it would! Which would actually be to your advantage! Now YOUR wedding wasn't cheap and tawdry at all. But if this one IS, it'll make YOURS seem all the classier!
Marty: Spanky. that's ridiculous. Forget it.
Toot: That makes sense. Okay, Spanky, you've got a deal! (Spanky is triumphant.)
Marty: (to Toot) From now on, I'm just going to wait to talk until you've already said something.
Toot: I think that might be best.
Spanky: All right! I thought I might have to convince you of this, Toot, but it turns out, you were more open than I thought! (Spanky winks and points at Toot.) You're a MUCH cooler maid of honor than Clara was!
Toot: Well, duh!
Spanky gets out of his chair and walks back out the door, closing it behind him. As soon as he does so, he meets up with Hero walking back toward the deck.
Spanky: Hey, Hero! Guess what! I'm going to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tux!
Hero: No, you're not.
Spanky: But Toot said I could!
Hero: Toot isn't making the decisions, Spanky. Foxxy is. And I feel extremely confident she wouldn't like that idea. So, Sorry, Spanky. But no.
Spanky: But-
Hero: No buts! (Spanky turns away in frustration.)
Spanky: (walking away dejectedly) Awwwww!
Xandir: (offscreen, from his own cabin) I'm glad it wasn't me that was said to!
Hero continues to stand at the railing looking out at the ocean. Foxxy walks up to him.
Foxxy: Hey, sugar! (Hero turns and sees Foxxy.)
Hero: Oh, hey, Foxxy.
Foxxy: What was that about?
Hero: Oh, Spanky wanted to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tuxedo.
Foxxy: Ha! I knew he'd try something like that. Well, it looks like Wooldoor owes me five bucks.
Hero: So how'd you make out with the cruise director?
Foxxy: Used my tongue.
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: It's a joke, Hero.
Hero: Joke it may be, but... can I still put that one in the spank bank for later?
Foxxy: (thoughtfully) Spank bank. (Hero sees an opportunity.)
Hero: That is... unless you don't see me having a NEED for the spank bank. (Hero grins at Foxxy. Foxxy turns away.)
Foxxy: No. I think maybe you'd better file that image in the spank bank like you said. (Hero is disappointed.)
Hero: Oh. Okay. (He and Foxxy look away from each other. After pausing for a moment, Hero speaks up again.) So, anyway, what did the cruise director say?
Foxxy: Oh, the same thing she said when we was both up there with her. She still has no idea when a spot is going to be available. And quite frankly, she did not seem all that distraught at our situation.
Hero: No, I guess she wouldn't.
Foxxy: But it's going to be okay, Hero. We've still got a few days until the wedding. Something will come up by then. There's no need to worry.
Hero: Oh, I'm not worried.
There is an awkward silence between the two. Foxxy notices it. She looks worried for a moment, trying to decide if she should say something. She finally decides to speak.
Foxxy: You're wondering if this no-sex pact was a good idea.
Hero: No, I'm not.
Foxxy: Good. (She pauses for a moment.) Unfortunately, I am. (Hero turns toward her.)
Hero: (trying to hide his eagerness) Oh, really?
Foxxy: I was okay for the first day. But ever since we've been on this boat, practically all I've been able to think about is taking you in our cabin, shoving you down on the bed, ripping those cargo shorts right off you, and just going to town!
Hero: Going to town? But Foxxy, we're at sea! (Foxxy sighs in frustration.)
Foxxy: Never mind. (She turns to the side and mutters under her breath.) Goddammit, is there one expression out there I don't have to explain to him?
Hero: What was that?
Foxxy: Never mind. (Hero looks irritated, but says nothing.)
Hero: Well, Foxxy, if you want to have sex, we can just have sex. I mean, the no-sex pact was a nice idea, but when you think about it, do we really need it? Do we really have to prove anything to anyone at this point? We know we love each other. What more do we need?
Foxxy: I guess that makes sense. You know what, Hero? You're right. Let's go have sex.
Hero smiles big and brightly at Foxxy. Foxxy smiles back. Hero takes Foxxy in arm and starts to walk her back to their cabin. However, before they have even taken two steps, a voice calls out behind them. We hear the sound of a pair of feet running up the deck.
UFG: Hey, you two!
Foxxy grimaces, then sighs. She and Hero turn around to see UFG running up behind them. She is wearing a dark green bikini and has a towel flung over her shoulder.
Foxxy: Yes?
UFG: The pool's empty right now, so we're all going swimming! Do you guys want to join us?
Foxxy: No thanks, Unusually Flexible Girl. Captain Hero and I have other plans.
UFG: Oh yeah? Like what? (Foxxy glares at UFG, slightly annoyed at her failure to get the innuendo.)
Foxxy: Guess.
UFG: Well, I know it can't be sex. Cause you two aren't having that right now.
Foxxy: Excuse me?
UFG: Oh, yeah, Wooldoor told me all about the pact you two have, to not have sex again until the wedding. I think it's a great idea!
Foxxy: Oh, you do, do you?
UFG: Yeah. Like, when Captain Hero was dating ME, we would just have sex all the time!
Foxxy: Mmm hmm.
UFG: It finally dawned on me after a while that the reason we had sex so often was that that was all he was really interested in me for. Not my personality, not my companionship... not my heart. Just the sex.
Hero: Well, the sex WAS really good between us. (Foxxy glances back and forth between both Hero and UFG, trying hard to believe what she is hearing.)
UFG: If Captain Hero and *I* had tried to go a whole week without sex, it wouldn't have lasted. He'd probably have just dumped me in a couple of days.
Hero: Hey, I tried to dump you even WITH the sex! (Foxxy looks at Hero, still in disbelief.)
UFG: But the fact that Captain Leslie Hero... who's slept with... oh, I don't know... hundreds of women...
Hero: At least!
UFG: The fact that he's found a woman who he's willing to just be with and not have sex at all... that really says something.
Hero: It sure does! (A look of confusion suddenly crosses his face.) What?
Foxxy: Yes, thank you very much for your wisdom, Unusually Flexible Girl. You can just go enjoy your swim with the others. You and your tight green spandex bikini.
UFG: Oh, well, between you and me, I don't expect to be wearing the bikini very long. (She leans over and whispers to Foxxy.) As soon as the rest of the ship goes to bed, we're planning to swim naked!
Hero: Really?
UFG: That's right! Too bad you two can't come.
Hero: Oh, man, that one hurt.
UFG: I'll see you guys later. (She waves.) Bye!
With that, UFG turns and hurries away. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Swimming.
Foxxy: Yes.
Hero: Naked.
Foxxy: That's what I hear.
Hero: Well, whatever. Those guys can have their fun if they like.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: We'll be keeping ourselves busy in our own way. (He grins at Foxxy. She scowls.)
Foxxy: What? Hero, are you kidding?
Hero: I don't get it.
Foxxy: No, you usually don't. Hero, did you not hear what Unusually Flexible Girl said? About how you guys had nothing in common but the sex?
Hero: Yeah. What about it?
Foxxy: Hero, I was about to give in to temptation a minute ago. But I won't. I can't. Maybe that relationship was about nothing but sex, but this one sure isn't. And I am damn well going to prove it to everybody!
Hero: Great. No sex, then. Well, I guess this night is shot.
Foxxy: Is this how it's going to be, Hero? Is it really killing you that bad to not be able to have sex with me? Is this relationship nothing but Unusually Flexible Girl Volume Two to you?
Hero: (starting to get angry) Foxxy, stop. You know I love you. What happened between me and Unusually Flexible Girl doesn't change how I feel about you. The two relationships are nothing alike! (Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then sighs.)
Foxxy: I guess you're right, Hero. I'm sorry.
Hero: Maybe you're right. Maybe we do need to try to keep this no-sex pact. I guess if our relationship is truly one to last, we should be able to withstand it. (Foxxy smiles.)
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Okay, so the sex is out. What do you want to do instead?
Foxxy: Hmmm...
Hero: We could join the others. If we're hanging out with our friends, that might distract us from our carnal desires.
Foxxy: Join them swimming, you mean? (Hero nods.) With that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours there? Not a chance! (Hero frowns.)
Hero: So what are we going to do, then?
Foxxy: I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to go back to our cabin and sit there all night, just the two of us, and not have sex!
Hero: Not have sex?
Foxxy: You heard me! (Foxxy turns and starts to walk away. She momentarily turns back toward Hero.) Now get your ass and follow me back to our cabin right now! That way I know you won't be hanging out at that pool with that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours!
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: Now!
With that, Foxxy turns and storms off. Hero looks after her, somewhat frustrated. He sighs.
Hero: Oh, well. I guess a few more nights without sex won't be the worst thing in the world. (At that moment, we hear Toot and Marty's voices coming from inside their cabin.)
Toot: (voice) Hey, Marty! Before we go naked swimming with the others, you want to have sex again?
Marty: (voice) Yeah, all right.
Toot: (voice) Now I bet you're wondering why I brought a pair of stockings with me on the cruise. Do the words "hogtied to the bed" mean anything to you?
Hero hangs his head and sighs. He turns and slowly trudges back toward his own cabin. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
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| | Author | Topic: DTBL episode 52: The Wedding Stinger (Read 114 times) |
Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Location: Nashville, TN
Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 52: The Wedding Stinger
« Result #5 on Aug 20, 2009, 4:15pm » | |
Part 2
Toot (in confessional): (still grinning) Ha ha ha! So they thought I was a Nazi, did they? I'll show them! I'll be TWICE the Nazi planning this wedding than I was with the last one! (She throws her head back and does an evil, maniacal laugh.) Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (She looks back at the camera again, resuming a normal expression.) Yes, I'm aware of the irony of a Jewish person being compared to a Nazi.
The scene changes to the kitchen, where we see Foxxy and Hero sitting at the table going over a piece of paper.
Hero: So is your Uncle Jimmy coming?
Foxxy: I don't know, Hero. It all depends on whether or not he'll be able to make parole.
Hero: Do you think he'll know soon? I'm not sure if we'll be able to hold his seat for him. We don't have that many to spare.
Foxxy: (looking slightly sad) I know.
Hero: (noticing Foxxy's expression) Foxxy? Is everything okay?
Foxxy: Everything's fine, Hero.
Hero: (taking her hands) Foxxy, look, I know the wedding cruise sounded like a great idea, but we don't have to do it if you're having second thoughts about the idea. I realize having 25 seats between us, including our housemates, isn't a lot by any means, so if you'd rather cancel it all and have a big, fancy wedding, I'm totally on board! (He becomes excited.) Hey! I made a pun!
Foxxy: No, Hero. Honestly, I don't want a big, fancy wedding. After seeing what happened with Toot's wedding, I've come to realize that maybe smaller and intimate is better.
Hero: At least, that's what Clara seems to think!
Ling-Ling (in confessional): (sighing) Yes, Ling-Ling have small penis. Seriously, people, WE GET IT already!
Foxxy: But if you break it down, the small seating isn't a problem at all. Now there's you and me, which makes two, and our housemates, which brings the total to eight. I'm assuming that Toot won't come without Marty, so that's nine, which still leaves us with sixteen seats, or eight apiece. And once you exclude our housemates, I honestly don't think there's eight people in the world I care about that much.
Hero: Same here.
Foxxy: So, really, I am more than fine with things as they are.
Hero: Me too. (He thinks for a moment.) Although there might be ONE more problem to deal with.
Foxxy: What's that?
Hero: Like you said, after you and me and all the others, we still have eight seats left between us... which is fine as far as you and I go, but... what if the others start wanting to bring guests of their own?
Foxxy: That's a good question. Let's talk to the others.
Foxxy (in confessional): I decided that a group meeting would be a good idea. I also decided that a confessional segment announcing my intention of having a group meeting would be a good idea for the purposes of scene transition.
Cut to the kitchen. All of the housemates plus Marty are now gathered around.
Foxxy: All right, y'all, now we's kind of low on available seats, but we've done the math, so if y'all want, each of you is going to be allowed to bring one guest.
Clara: Well... I suppose I could invite Bleh.
Spanky: I could bring my wife, I guess.
Xandir: I can invite Fernando!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think honorable father might enjoy salt air.
Toot: I haven't done anything with my cousin Betty in a while. This could be a nice chance for us to spend some time together.
Foxxy: What about you, Wooldoor? Who do you want to invite?
Wooldoor: I don't know. I asked Unusually Flexible Girl, and I don't think she's going to be able to go.
Foxxy: Well, is there someone else you'd like to invite?
Wooldoor: That's very nice of you to ask, Foxxy, but... aside from her, I honestly don't think there's anybody outside this house that I really care about having at the wedding.
Foxxy: Well, that's very sweet of you, Wooldoor!
Xandir: (sticking his hand up) Ooh! In that case, I want to use his extra seat to invite Alfredo!
Toot: Forget it, Xandir. You don't get two invites!
Foxxy: Actually, Toot, if Wooldoor's not planning to use his extra seat, I don't see what the problem is. Xandir, you're more than welcome to invite both of your boyfriends along.
Xandir: Yay!
Toot: Foxxy, I really don't think that would be a good idea. It might upset the balance.
Xandir: Look who's talking about upsetting the balance! You're bringing two people! What about Marty?
Toot: Marty was already invited, douchewad!
Xandir: So? He's still your boyfriend, that makes him technically your guest! And since you have two, I'm having two!
Toot: Well, if you're going to be that way... what about Spanky? You were married to him! I say that makes him technically YOUR guest!
Xandir: Spanky and I broke up a long time ago, Toot.
Toot: Oh, did you? Did I or did I not see you two getting intimate in the living room this morning?
Xandir: We weren't being intimate! He was teabagging me! (Spanky snickers to himself.)
Clara: Actually, that would count as being intimate under Morningwood law.
Xandir: Well, it doesn't count either way, Toot. Spanky's a housemate, so he's exempt.
Toot: Then so is Marty.
Xandir: No, he's not! Marty's not a housemate!
Marty: Excuse me! I've been living in this house with you guys for a year and a half now and I'm STILL not considered a housemate?
Xandir: Nope!
Toot: Well, tough noogies, Xandir. Marty's coming, like it or not, and so's my cousin Betty! And you can invite either Fernando or Alfredo, but not both.
Xandir: Foxxy!
Foxxy: Now, Toot, calm yourself down. We told Xandir he could invite both of them, and he can.
Toot: No, he can't. I'm overruling you, Foxxy.
Clara: Oh, God, here we go.
Foxxy: You can't overrule me, Toot!
Toot: Yes, I can! I'm the maid of honor!
Foxxy: Well, I'm the BRIDE!
Toot: As maid of honor, I decree myself to have more authority than the bride! Therefore, what I say goes! So sorry, Xandir, you gotta pick one or the other.
Xandir: Awwww!
Toot: And don't whine about it or I may not let you invite anybody!
Xandir: Fine! Do that, and I'll just hook up with one of the cabin boys!
Toot: Not unless I say it's okay! If you don't get in line, Xandir, I *may* institute a no-hooking-up-with-random-strangers rule on this cruise! (Foxxy sighs in frustration. Marty begins to look at Toot with concern.)
Wooldoor: That's okay, Xandir. If Toot won't let you invite Alfredo, I'll just use MY invite and invite him for you!
Xandir: Wow, you'd do that for me, Wooldoor? Thanks a lot!
Toot: Nuh uh! Another rule of this cruise, nobody's allowed to invite other people's guests for them!
Foxxy: Toot, seriously, knock it off, or I'm not going to let you be my maid of honor!
Toot: Decision to fire me overruled! Toot still in charge! (Toot steps in front of the others and walks over to Foxxy.) Now, then. Are you two dead set on having the honeymoon suite for yourselves? (Foxxy looks at Toot skeptically. Marty continues to look concerned.)
Marty (in confessional): I knew Toot well enough by now to realize what was going on. It was her perfectionist streak that made her go crazy with her own wedding, but here, I could tell she was just doing it out of spite. I had to talk to her immediately.
Toot: Now, then. The food. I propose we make it a Mexican themed wedding with tacos and enchiladas!
Foxxy: No.
Toot: Overruled! And if you try to suggest that the wedding party NOT be wearing sombreros, I'm going to overrule that too. Now, about this ice sculpture you two were planning to have... I'm thinking we'll get rid of that and replace it with a large fountain of yogurt. Not the yucky kind, though. The good kind. The kind that tastes like ice cream.
Marty: (taking Toot by the arm) Toot, can I talk to you for a minute? (He steps aside with her.)
Toot: What is it, Marty?
Marty: Now I realize that you're pissed off about that Nazi crack that Wooldoor made, and you have every right to be. But seriously, this is not an appropriate way to handle things.
Toot: Excuse me?
Marty: Foxxy and Hero are trying to make their day as special as they can, and it's not your place to fight them on it, especially when this particular issue doesn't even concern them.
Toot: Marty, are you... lecturing me?
Marty: No, Toot, I'm not lecturing you. I'm just- look, I'm sorry they called you a Nazi. You didn't deserve it. But don't take it out on Foxxy and Hero. They're just trying to make their day as special as yours was. (Toot by now is just staring at Marty.) Toot? You okay? (Toot continues to stare.)
Toot (in confessional): That was the first time that Marty had ever taken me to task for anything. It's true, I did kind of deserve it, and true, he was very diplomatic about it. But all the same, that's when I realized that it was happening. A little bit of the glow from the honeymoon had been chipped away. It was just starting to hit me that I wasn't a bride anymore... I was a wife.
Toot: Right. I'm sorry, Marty. (She turns back to the others.) Sorry, you guys. (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, all the stuff you decided is back on. You can be in charge again. (Toot then turns back to the others.) If you guys want to perform, you'll have to run that by Foxxy. She can answer all your questions about inviting people too.
With that, Toot looks at Foxxy for a moment. She then turns to the others and looks at them. Everyone else is confused. Without saying a word, Toot finally turns and runs upstairs. The others stare after her, confused.
Wooldoor: What's with her?
Marty: Toot's just feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.
Wooldoor: Oh. That sucks. (Without missing a beat, he turns to Foxxy.) So anyway, are you guys going to let me sing? If you don't like "Wind Beneath My Wings", I can sing something else. Do you know "Bootylicious"?
Foxxy sighs and hangs her head down. Clara looks upstairs, concerned. She turns to Marty questioningly. Marty returns her glance, but says nothing.
Clara (in confessional): I wasn't sure what was going on, but I had a feeling that this was somehow related to the brief talk that Toot and I had earlier. Marty gave me a brief rundown of what happened between him and Toot, and I decided I'd better go talk to her.
The scene changes to Toot's bedroom, where we see Toot sitting on her bed deep in thought. There is a knock at the door.
Toot: Don't come in!
Clara: Why, are you naked?
Toot: No, I'm just being contrary. Come in if you want. (The door opens. Clara enters.) What's up, Clara?
Clara: Toot, I think we need to have a talk. One married woman to another.
Toot: Married woman. Right.
Clara: That little blow-up you had down there... did it have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?
Toot: I can't say, Clara. We didn't really talk about anything earlier. If I recall, I came to you with a problem, and you kind of spouted some vague advice that didn't really tell me anything.
Clara: Well, I'm sorry, Toot. The only reason I didn't say much before was because I didn't really know what to say. I wasn't really sure of the situation, so I was hesitant to give advice.
Toot: Well... if I explained the situation to you, do you think you'd be able to help me?
Clara: I'll try, Toot.
Toot: Well, basically, I'm still kind of worried about getting used to the idea of being a wife. I wasn't really having a problem with it before, but when Marty and I had that little incident downstairs... I don't know.
Clara: But surely, you've had fights before.
Toot: We have, but... I don't know. (Toot struggles for words for a moment.) I don't know. I'm not quite sure how to say what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just making myself paranoid again.
Clara: Maybe. But maybe not. Just... try talking your thoughts out. I think between us we can figure out what's going on.
Toot: Okay. Well... yeah, Marty and I have had fights. But that was before!
Clara: Before what?
Toot: Before we were married!
Clara: What's significant about that? Did you think once you got married, you wouldn't fight anymore?
Toot: No, of course not. Well... (Clara looks at Toot questioningly.) I don't know. Maybe I did.
Clara: Go on.
Toot: I mean, yeah, I knew our entire married life wasn't going to be stress-free. But then... all through the wedding, and all through the honeymoon, things were so great between us... I just got so wrapped up in how happy I was that all the negative things got kind of pushed aside for a while. Yeah, the wedding had its own headaches, but once it was over, and I was married to Marty, I felt like all my past problems were over. But then when I had that little moment downstairs... I guess that was kind of my reality check.
Clara: I admit, I didn't really catch everything that Marty said to you, but was it really that bad?
Toot: It wasn't what Marty said so much, Clara, it was the whole situation. I mean, there I was, all happy about being a new bride and leaving my old life as the punching bag behind me, and then pow, out of nowhere, Wooldoor makes that crack about me being a Nazi!
Clara: Ah. So this about Wooldoor, then.
Toot: Well... no. Not entirely. I mean, yeah, that pissed me off, but I kind of expect that crap out of Wooldoor. But then after I had my tantrum over it and Marty took me aside... I guess... oh, my God. No, that couldn't be it. (She begins to think.) Or could it?
Clara: Could what?
Toot: I was the old Toot again. Somebody insulted me and I threw a fit over it. And instead of swooping in and making everything better like he usually does, Marty actually took me to task for it. Suddenly, I didn't feel like the new me who had her life in order... I felt like the old me. The one who let the others get to her. And for once, Marty didn't step right in to pick me back up. I mean, I realize that being my husband doesn't mean that he needs to let me get away with crap. But all the same... it was a new experience to me, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.
Clara: I see. Well... I do have one thought on the matter.
Toot: What's that?
Clara: (thinking for a minute) No. No, maybe I'd better not say. The more I think about it, the more I worry that I might be wrong.
Toot: Please, Clara, tell me.
Clara: I don't know, Toot. It was just a random thought I had, but now that I think about it, I'm pretty ignorant about these matters. I'd hate to give you advice and then only have it mess things up even further.
Toot: Clara, I'm looking for any insight I can get my hands on here. You seem to have stumbled onto something. What is it?
Clara: I don't know. Maybe Marty's the one you should be talking to instead of me.
Toot: Come on, Clara! Please tell me! Please, Clara... I'm desperate! (Clara looks troubled.) Clara, I promise, if this blows up in my face, I won't hold you accountable for anything!
Clara: But I'd hold myself accountable.
Toot: Clara, please! I'll do anything! (An idea suddenly hits Clara. We see her thinking for a moment.)
Clara (in confessional): If this were an old cartoon, this would probably be the moment where there'd be an angel me on one shoulder and a devil me on the other shoulder. There wasn't, because I would never subscribe to whatever religion endorses THAT brand of nonsense, but... well, I picked the bad one.
Clara: Anything?
Toot: Anything!
Clara: Okay, then.
The scene changes to the kitchen downstairs. Foxxy and Hero are at the table, still discussing wedding plans.
Hero: Actually, that taco thing didn't sound like a bad idea. I think we should seriously consider it.
Foxxy: Fair enough. But I draw the line at the entire wedding party wearing sombreros.
Hero: Awwwww! (At that moment, Toot walks into the room.)
Toot: Hey, Hero. Hey, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Hey, Toot. Everything okay?
Toot: Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. So do you guys have the wedding all planned out yet?
Foxxy: We're getting there. Why?
Toot: Cause I need to tell you about a last minute change in the agenda. Um... Clara's gonna sing at your wedding.
Foxxy: Say what now?
Toot: Yeah. In fact, I'll go ahead and pencil it in there. (She grabs the paper away from Foxxy and hastily scribbles some writing on it.) There. I just added Clara's performance to the wedding schedule.
Foxxy: Toot, that was the invite list. And Clara was already on there.
Hero: I guess now she can come twice! Which is a rarity for her.
Toot: It's not a problem, is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Well... I don't know. Toot, are you going to overrule me if I say no?
Toot: No, Foxxy, of course not. I promise, I'm done power tripping. If you say she can't sing, you're the bride, that's your decision.
Foxxy: Thank you, Toot.
Toot: Of course, if you do say no, you'll have to be the one to tell her that cause I kind of already promised her she could. (She quickly turns to walk away, holding a hand up as she does so.) Toodles! (With that, she exits.)
Foxxy: Toot! Toot, come back here! (It is no use. Toot is gone.) Goddammit!
Hero: Well, Foxxy, is it really a problem if Clara sings? She's pretty good, you have to admit.
Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero, Clara's fantastic. But that's not what I'm worried about.
Hero: What are you worried about?
In an instant, Wooldoor, Xandir, Spanky, and Ling-Ling appear in the room and immediately descend upon Foxxy.
Xandir: So what's this I hear about you letting Clara sing at the wedding, Foxxy? Is that true?
Foxxy: I haven't decided yet!
Wooldoor: If Clara gets to sing, I do! I asked first!
Xandir: Well, I asked to play bagpipes before either of you said anything! So if anybody gets to perform, it's me!
Spanky: I'm serious, I have my chainsaw all revved up and ready to go. Destroying those stupid bagpipes will be a hell of a crowd pleaser!
Ling-Ling: (singing in a sultry jazz style) Hero into Foxxy go, fulfill destiny in her-
Wooldoor: Oh, no, you don't, Ling-Ling! (He begins singing in a very loud and off-key manner.) Did you ever know that you're my hero? Oh, you didn't? Well, are you dumb or something? How could you possibly miss it? Seriously, are you completely without the ability to recognize when you're being the wind beneath someone's wings?
Xandir: (singing) Get ready... to fire the load!
Spanky: (covering his ears) I thought you were going to play bagpipes, Xandir, not sing!
Xandir: I don't have my bagpipes with me, Spanky, so I'm having to improvise. (resumes singing) Something something something glory hole...
As Hero stands looking confused, Foxxy covers her ears and hangs her head in frustration.
Foxxy (in confessional): I wasn't sure if this whole thing wasn't Toot's subtle way of getting me to give her back her ruling authority with regard to the wedding, but I did know one thing. I did not intend to let her get away with it.
As the rest of the housemates continue trying to sing over top of each other, we see Foxxy turn and march out of the room. The camera lingers on the chaotic scene for a moment.
Spanky: (singing) Oh, I'll be coming round her mountains when I come...
Hero: Maybe I can get these guys to do this at the reception, and then in the distraction, I can sneak off to have sex with Foxxy!
The scene changes to Foxxy stomping upstairs. She is about to head to Toot's room when she hears voices inside Clara's room, whose door is slightly cracked. Foxxy stops and listens for a moment. The camera cuts to inside the room.
Toot: All right, Clara. I told Foxxy you were going to sing at her wedding. So what's your big advice?
Clara: Is it confirmed? Did Foxxy say I definitely could sing?
Toot: Well, no, not yet. But I'm sure she will! She has to!
Clara: Well, once she does, that's when I'll give you my advice. (The camera cuts briefly to Foxxy looking thoughtful before the view changes to inside the room once more.)
Toot: Clara, I've done all I can. Please cut me some slack. I really want to get this marriage started on the right foot.
Clara: Why is it so hard to clear me a spot on the wedding schedule? Just do like you did with your own wedding and go all Nazi on Foxxy until she gives in!
Toot: (becoming frustrated) Goddammit, I am not a Nazi! Will you people please stop calling me that?
Outside the door, we see Foxxy come to a decision. The camera cuts once more to Toot and Clara inside the room. Clara looks somewhat ashamed of her remark, but says nothing. Toot is irritated for a moment, but regains control of herself.
Toot: Okay, Clara. That's fine. Just tell me what to do about this Marty situation and I'll go all Nazi on Foxxy until she lets you sing. (At this, Foxxy bursts into the room.)
Foxxy: The hell you will!
Clara: I should have seen this coming. Foxxy, I'm-
Foxxy: Quiet, Clara. I'll deal with you a minute.
Clara: Okay.
Foxxy: Toot, I am not pleased with the mess you left me with down there. That was very selfish of you, and I think you owe me an apology.
Toot: Right. I'm sorry, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Now based on what I heard of y'all's conversation, I'm guessing your behavior has something to do with some kind of marriage issue you're facing. Am I right?
Toot: Yes. I was trying to get Clara to give me some advice about the situation, and the only way she'd do it was if I'd pull strings so she could sing at the wedding.
Foxxy: I see. (She thinks for a minute.) Well... I know you two well enough by now to know that you're both sorry for what you did. (Toot and Clara look down in shame, but remain silent.) So in an effort to straighten out this whole thing for everybody, I'm going to make a deal with both of you.
Toot: What's that?
Foxxy: Toot, I'll let you be in charge of planning the wedding again... if you promise that the first thing you use your power for is to come downstairs with me and get all those crazies off my back!
Toot: Really? You would trust me with that kind of responsibility?
Foxxy: Yes, Toot, I would. (Toot smiles.) Now I admit that you do get crazy from time to time, but you have a pretty good record of doing the right thing in the end.
Toot: Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Now about your other problem. Clara? (Clara looks at Foxxy attentively.) Clara, if you'll quit jerking Toot around and just tell her this big advice you have for her... then I'll let you sing at my wedding.
Clara: Wow, really, Foxxy? (Clara looks down again, her shame momentarily coming back to her.) Well... I'll tell you my advice, Toot. But after the way I behaved... I don't know if I can accept your offer to sing anymore.
Foxxy: Just come downstairs with us, Clara. I have a feeling that things will work out okay.
Clara: Okay.
Foxxy turns to walk out the door. Toot and Clara get up to follow her. Foxxy stops in the doorway and turns back to the other two for a moment.
Foxxy: Oh, and Toot?
Toot: Yes?
Foxxy: I'm sorry that we called you a Nazi.
Toot: (smiling) Thanks, Foxxy.
Clara: No, I'm the one who should apologize. You never called her a Nazi, Foxxy. I did.
Toot: Hey, don't worry, Clara. It's all good.
Foxxy: All right, y'all. Now let's go downstairs and watch this mess get straightened out through the magic of the Foxxy!
Toot and Clara both smile and follow Foxxy out of the room. The scene changes to the living room downstairs where the others are still busy trying to talk over each other. Marty has now entered the room, and he stands back in the corner observing the chaos.
Wooldoor: (singing) Almost paradise... I'm knocking on heaven's door... (Wooldoor turns around and knocks on his buttocks, then opens the doorknob on his butt.)
Xandir: Ow! Spanky, you're not supposed to be teabagging me now! I don't even have my bagpipes with me!
Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here! (He points to the others in triumph.) Ha! That's right, losers! That's my new catchphrase and I'm taking it back!
Ling-Ling: (to the tune of Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way") Roving you... wouldn't be light thing to do...
Hero: Too bad Foxxy isn't here. This would be a perfect time to sneak off for a quick romp in the closet! (Foxxy, Clara, and Toot appear on the stairs.) Yay! She's here! (Hero dashes over to Foxxy.) So, Foxxy... your closet or mine? I hope yours, cause you've got all those kinky sex aids.
Foxxy: In a minute, Hero. First, I got some stuff to straighten out. (Foxxy looks at Toot.) All right, Toot. Let her rip! (Toot proceeds to cup her hands to her mouth and bellow as loud as she can.)
Toot: (yelling in as loud and shrill a voice as she can muster) All right, assholes, cut the noise and listen up!
Spanky: (covering his ears again) Agh! How the hell did Xandir get his bagpipes back so fast? Oh, wait, that's just Toot.
Toot: Okay, listen up, you douchewads. All of you can just stop your yammering right now. I'm in charge of this wedding again, and I say that none of you gets to sing!
Xandir: What about-
Toot: Xandir, you know how we've said that your singing sounds like a cat being murdered? (Xandir nods.) Well, those bagpipes sound like a cat being tortured and yowling mercifully for the punishment to end but never quite being granted the sweet release that death would bring!
Xandir: I don't get it.
Toot: I know you don't. (She turns to Wooldoor.) And Wooldoor, your voice does have a certain childlike appeal to it. (He smiles.) But this a wedding, not goddamn Sesame Street. So if there happens to be a karaoke machine at the reception, feel free to wail away, but as for the wedding itself- no.
Spanky: Should I even ask?
Toot: I wouldn't bother. (She looks at Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, I wasn't clear about you. Did you want to sing or dance or... recite Japorean poetry, or... whatever the hell it is you do?
Ling-Ling: Uh...
Toot: Sorry, but no. (Ling-Ling is slightly irritated, but does not fight. Toot turns to face the others.) Guys... I know that you all just want to be a part of the big day. But this day is all about Foxxy and Hero, and celebrating what THEY give to the world. Not a day for our own personal ego trips.
Wooldoor: I guess you're right.
Toot: So I'm sorry to smash all your artistic ambitions, but the only person who gets to sing at Foxxy's wedding... aside from Foxxy herself... (she turns to Clara) is Clara.
Clara smiles. The others, however, are not pleased with the decision.
Spanky: Excuse me? The hell? CLARA? I mean... what the hell? Unless- (Spanky grins.)
Toot: She won't be singing naked, Spanky.
Spanky: Then I reclaim my previous position of... what the hell?
Wooldoor: Yeah! This is favoritism! I don't quite know why you're favoring Clara, of all people, but... yeah!
Xandir: Screw you, Toot! We put up with your nonsense when you were the one getting married, but it's not your wedding this time! It's Foxxy's! (Xandir turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy? (Foxxy looks at Xandir attentively.) Will you please tell your maid of honor to quit her damn power tripping and let me perform at the wedding?
Wooldoor: Yeah, me too!
Spanky: And me! Wait. What did I want to do at the wedding again?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling let land whale decision stand.
Xandir: So come on, Foxxy! Tell Toot to knock it off!
Wooldoor: Yeah!
Foxxy looks at the angry mob for a moment, but before she can say anything, Toot steps in.
Toot: Oh, by the way, guys? One more thing. (Xandir, Wooldoor, and Spanky look at her.) One more little rule I need to inform you guys about. Going over my head... is NOT ALLOWED!
Xandir: But-
Toot: No buts! And if you make a crack about the ass kind of butts, I'll seal yours up with window caulk!
Xandir: (grabbing his ass in fear) No! Not that!
Toot: Now I want the rest of you to go ahead and knock it off! If Foxxy wants to let you perform, she's more than free to make that decision for herself later on. But in the meantime, just leave her the hell alone and let her plan her wedding in peace! Okay? (The group is not quite mollified, but they realize they aren't going to win the argument. One by one, each person nods in acquiescence and slowly backs away. Toot turns to Clara.) Now, then, Clara. If it's okay with you, I'd really like to hear that advice you were thinking of.
Clara: Okay, Toot. And before I say anything, I just want to say that I'm truly sorry for how I acted before. I promise to never again hold my advice hostage just to get a favor out of you. From now on, if you need anything from me, I'll give it unconditionally, no questions asked.
Toot: Yeah, you're very sorry, blah, blah, blah. So anyway. Your advice?
Clara: Well, Toot, like I was saying before, this particular situation isn't something that's come up with me and Ling-Ling, so my viewpoint may not be the most informed one. But the issue of Marty standing up to you... I'd take that as a GOOD thing.
Toot: How so?
Clara: Well, Toot, in the past, whenever you've acted out, we've tended to just go along with you because we know how psychotic you get whenever you don't get your way, and because we know how fragile you can be about things. But Marty knows you better than anybody by now, and if he felt that it was okay for him to give you the straight scoop and not sugarcoat it... well, I would take that as a sign that he thinks you don't need to be protected anymore... that you're strong enough now to handle a little criticism.
Toot: I guess that makes sense.
Clara: I think Marty felt that it would mean more to you to talk to you as an equal rather than someone he had to talk down to.
Toot: Yeah... maybe you're right, Clara. Thanks a lot. I do feel better now.
Clara: (smiling) I'm glad I could help.
Foxxy: (walking over to the pair) That was awesome, Clara. I couldn't have said it better myself. I think in your own way, you've come just as far as Toot.
Clara: Thanks.
Toot: Yeah... after that, I think Foxxy would agree that you've earned the right to sing at her wedding.
Foxxy: You sure have.
Clara: (beginning to look worried) Actually... I'm not so sure about that, you guys.
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Clara?
Clara: I still feel like I kind of strong-armed this decision out of you. And the others have a point. Letting me sing instead of them IS kind of favoritism... especially since Xandir and Wooldoor did ask first. (Clara looks up at Foxxy.) So thank you, Foxxy. Thank you, Toot. But it wouldn't be right for me to accept this.
Foxxy: Okay, Clara, now I think you're just trying to make yourself look good. You aiming for a gold star or something?
Toot: I see your point, Clara. But you know what? Screw that. I want you to sing anyway.
Clara: I don't think I deserve it.
Toot: Yes, you do, dammit! I mean, forget favoritism and all. You know why you should be the one to sing at the wedding? Cause you're the only one in that bunch who can actually sing!
Foxxy: That's true. Talent should count for SOMETHING!
Clara: Well, in that case... okay! (With a huge smile on her face, she turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, I would be honored to sing at your wedding.
Foxxy: And I would be honored to have you sing at it.
Toot: Awesome! Well, it looks like we did it, guys! We really did get everything straightened out!
Wooldoor: Not so fast, Toot!
Toot: Excuse me?
Wooldoor: I asked to sing first, and I intend to sing first, dammit! Never mind who's more talented... in the Land of the Peppermint Rainbow, firsties are the law!
Toot: Well, if we're going strictly by who asked first, then Xandir-
Wooldoor: Yeah, Spanky already cut up Xandir's bagpipes and flushed them down the toilet. (Spanky, now holding a large pair of gardening shears and a plunger, snickers. Xandir gasps.) So yeah, I'm first in line. (An angry look forms on Toot's face as she points a finger at Wooldoor.) And just so you know, I don't intend to let this drop, so if you don't let me sing at the wedding, I'm going to pee in all of your shoes!
Clara: Oh, good Lord.
Toot: Wooldoor, how are you even going to be in a position to sing anyway? Aren't you going to be performing the ceremony?
Wooldoor: I don't know, Toot. Foxxy hasn't said! (Without missing a beat, Toot turns to Foxxy.)
Toot: Foxxy, if Wooldoor agrees to quit whining about wanting to sing, will you let him perform the ceremony?
Foxxy: Sure. I don't have a problem with that.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I'm going to marry two more of my closest friends! Wow, before too long, I'll marry everybody in the house!
Spanky: Too bad you're not Reverend Smack Daddy, or that would give you just cause to have sex with everybody in the house!
Wooldoor: Maybe it's better I'm not. I'm really only interested in sex with exactly half of you guys. (Wooldoor turns and motions to the other guys.) Come on, guys. In celebration of scoring yet another sweet minister gig, let's all go out and get stinking drunk!
Wooldoor walks out, followed by Spanky and Xandir. Toot turns to Foxxy and Clara.
Toot: Well, guys... looks like we did it!
Clara: Yeah, we did. (She looks at Foxxy, then looks at Toot.) And this one really was a team effort.
Toot: It sure was!
At that moment, the figure in the corner finally leaves his place and walks over to the women.
Marty: Toot?
Toot: Yes, Marty?
Marty: Toot, I just have to say how thoroughly impressed I am with how you handled that situation. You kept your wits about you and you didn't let your emotions get the better of you. Seeing how decisive and mature you've become... (he sits down next to Toot and takes her hands)... I'm more convinced than ever that I made the right decision marrying you.
Toot: (smiling) Thanks, Marty. I know I made the right decision too.
Marty: So do you want to stay down here and kiss and embarrass all these guys, or go upstairs and celebrate resolving the first crisis in our marriage with some good old fashioned hot sex?
Toot: (chanting enthusiastically) Hot sex! Hot sex! Hot sex!
Marty: I guess that answers that.
Still holding hands, Marty and Toot get up from the couch and walk upstairs smiling at each other in a lovey-dovey manner. Clara turns to Ling-Ling, who has now hopped onto the couch arm next to her.
Clara: What about you, Ling-Ling? Would you like to go upstairs and have hot sex also?
Ling-Ling: Eh... Ling-Ling not sure.
Clara: Would you rather smell my underwear instead?
Ling-Ling nods enthusiastically. Clara smiles and picks up Ling-Ling, then turns and walks upstairs with him. Now only Foxxy and Hero are left. Foxxy turns to Hero.
Foxxy: So what about you, Hero? You want to join the others and have hot sex?
Hero: I'm not really into the group stuff anymore.
Foxxy: No, Hero. I meant, do you want to follow the others' lead and have hot sex with ME?
Hero: The others are all having sex with you? (Foxxy looks at Hero disapprovingly.) Even Wooldoor?
Foxxy: No, Hero. I meant, do you want to have hot sex with me?
Hero: Oh. Yeah, sure. That'd be nice, I guess.
Foxxy: You don't want to?
Hero: I don't know... I honestly think I'm in more of a mood to get back to planning our wedding.
Foxxy: Really?
Hero: Yeah... I mean, seeing the kind of rapport that Clara has with Ling-Ling, and Toot has with Marty, now that they're married... I honestly feel more like getting to work on the thing that'll get me closer to being in that place with you. (Foxxy smiles.)
Foxxy: Why, thank you, Hero. I feel the same way.
Hero: So what do you say? Back to the kitchen to start planning our wedding again?
Foxxy: Sounds like a good idea to me!
Foxxy and Hero smile at each other. Arm in arm, they turn and begin walking back toward the kitchen. However, before they go more than two steps forward, a loud beeping sound suddenly rings out.
Foxxy: What the hell is that?
Hero: (turning his attention to his watch) Oh, that's my watch, Foxxy. That alarm means that we passed the mark.
Foxxy: What mark? (Hero raises his brows seductively at Foxxy. Foxxy smiles coyly.) You mean... seven minutes?
Hero: (smiling seductively) Seven minutes!
Foxxy: Well... I suppose the wedding plans can wait a bit.
Without another word said, Foxxy and Hero grab onto each other and begin to kiss very passionately. We see their bodies sink to the floor out of the camera's view. The last thing we see before the scene fades is a red pair of shorts and a G-string flying across the view of the camera lens.
Foxxy: Have you noticed how a lot of stuff seems to end with us having sex?
Hero: I'm a big supporter of happy endings.
As the pair continues to make sex noises, the scene fades.
THE END
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Location: Nashville, TN
Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 52: The Wedding Stinger
« Result #6 on Aug 20, 2009, 4:14pm » | |
THE WEDDING STINGER
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. It is dawn once again. We see the familiar shot of the rooster crowing. The scene cuts to inside the house, where we see Foxxy and Hero in bed together. They are just waking up. Foxxy has a huge smile on her face.
Foxxy: You were great last night.
Hero: I was?
Foxxy: Yes, sir!
Hero: You didn't tell me I was great yesterday morning. And we DID have sex that night! Does that mean I sucked then?
Foxxy: Now I remember why I don't say that that often.
Hero: I mean, I'll admit, some days are better than others, but I'm always in there trying! (He looks at Foxxy.) Was it the Jello? Did that not work for you?
Foxxy: (thinking quickly) Hero, if I fail to tell you that the sex was good... it's only because you're so awesome so frequently that I sometimes forget it's necessary. I mean, do you think Einstein always got complimented whenever he came up with some great new theory?
Einstein (in confessional): They always compliment my theories... just once I wish they would tell me I was pretty. (He sighs sadly.)
Hero: (beaming) Why, Foxxy! That's the first time I've ever been compared to Einstein!
Foxxy: You don't say.
Hero puts his arm around Foxxy and cuddles her for a moment. After a moment, he turns to her.
Hero: So what do you want to do today, Foxxy?
Foxxy: You.
Hero: You already did me, silly!
Foxxy: Well, can I do you again? Or are you being rationed?
Hero: I am being rationed, Foxxy. Only one romp with the Hero-stick every seven minutes!
Foxxy: It's too bad having a quicker refractory period isn't one of your super powers.
Hero: Yes, sadly, that's not an inheritable power. It's one of those you can only get by messing around in radioactive waste. And I'm not making THAT mistake again!
Foxxy: Good idea.
Hero: So Foxxy, did you have any plans for how you wanted to fill our seven-minute intervals today?
Foxxy: I thought we could start getting our wedding plans together, if that's okay with you.
Hero: Sounds great to me! If we're planning on having the wedding in a couple of months, we should probably act quickly.
Foxxy: Well, we don't have to go rushing into anything. It's not like we have to have everything finalized before we head down to breakfast or anything.
Hero: No, not at all. (Foxxy smiles and nods. Hero sits calmly for a moment. After a moment, Foxxy looks at him.)
Foxxy: How about by this afternoon? (Hero reacts with shock.)
Hero: This afternoon? Foxxy, are we really in THAT big a hurry?
Foxxy: Well, we don't HAVE to have it done by then. I just happened to remember what's supposed to happen this afternoon and it occurred to me that our lives would be much, much easier if we already had everything in place by then.
Hero: Why, what's supposed to happen this afternoon?
At that moment, we hear a very loud, familiar voice ringing out all over the entire house.
Toot: (voice) Hey, you assholes! Guess who's back from their honeymoon early? (Hero nods in recognition.)
Hero: Ah. I see.
Foxxy: Oh, well, I guess that boat's done sailed now.
Hero: Well, Foxxy, you know, she doesn't HAVE to help us plan it. We can just tell her we want to make all the decisions ourselves.
Foxxy: Yeah, like Toot's gonna let that happen.
Foxxy sighs. She and Hero both reluctantly climb out of bed and begin to get dressed. The scene changes to the living room downstairs. Toot and Marty are standing inside the front door with their bags on the floor beside them. Toot is wearing a summer dress and sandals, and a floppy hat with a pair of sunglasses perched on the brim, while Marty is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with khaki pants. Toot turns to him.
Toot: I don't get it, Marty. They heard me yelling. Why aren't they all scrambling to greet me?
Marty: Maybe they're still asleep. It IS pretty early in the morning.
Toot: Goddammit! Somebody's better be up so they can make me breakfast!
Marty: Was that the whole reason you wanted to come back early? So the housemates could make you breakfast?
Toot: Oh, just admit it, Marty. You were as tired of that French food as I was. I just couldn't handle one more day of going into a restaurant and being served something totally disgusting!
Marty: Toot, I keep telling you, all you have to do is just learn the French word for snails, and then NOT ORDER THAT, and they won't bring you snails!
Toot: Yeah, I don't think that would work. I'm pretty sure that every French word means snails. (Marty shrugs. Toot looks around some more.) Oh, come on, you douchebags! Doesn't anybody care that I'm back from my honeymoon? I feel so unloved!
Marty: I love you, Toot.
Toot: Marty, that's very sweet of you, but that's not the kind of love I'm trolling for right now. (Marty nods.) That's okay. I know what'll get them down here. (She cups her hands to her mouth and calls out.) Jesus! Shiny objects! Vibrators! Porn! Used schoolgirl underwear! Dead body! A naked asshole!
In a flash, all seven of the other housemates quickly rush down the stairs one by one. They see Toot and Marty standing inside the doorway and become confused. They begin looking at each other.
Clara: Wait a minute. Did we just get suckered downstairs by some kind of Pavlovian reflex kind of thing?
Spanky: (looking at Hero) So... still into the dead bodies, eh, Hero?
Hero: What are you talking about, Spanky? I came for the porn!
Foxxy: Wait a minute. I thought the porn was for Spanky! Who's the dead body for?
Wooldoor: Oh, that's for me! (He rushes in front of the others.) I've decided I want to be a forensic scientist like those guys on CSI, and I need the dead body to practice on! Xandir won't let me use him anymore.
Xandir: Well, you won't probe me where I want you to!
Clara: Wait. I'm confused. The dead body is for Wooldoor? Then who's the shiny object for?
Spanky: That would be for me! (Clara looks at him, confused.) I use the shiny object to distract your cousin Bleh while I take pictures of her with her top off!
Clara: But... Bleh isn't retarded anymore.
Spanky: Maybe not, but that still doesn't mean that the glittery glowies have lost their fascination for her.
Wooldoor: For some of us, that's a love we never get over.
Xandir: Wait a minute! I don't see any naked asshole here... just Toot. And she's got clothes on! So I guess it was half right.
Foxxy: Well, Toot, welcome back from your honeymoon. I'm sorry we didn't all rush down to greet you, but you kind of caught us off guard. We was expecting you a bit later.
Toot: Oh, that's okay, Foxxy. You can go ahead and fawn over me NOW, if you'd like.
Spanky: Fawn. Fawn. That good enough? Blah, blah, blah. So anyway, how was the trip?
Toot: Well, Paris was great, you guys. It was just as romantic as I had anticipated!
Xandir: Oh, she is! People don't realize there's another side to her besides the spoiled heiress and the whoring! (Toot stares at him in disbelief. Xandir looks at her questioningly.) Toot, you should have told me you were going to go visit her! I thought you were going to France or something! So was Nicole there too? Did you slap her for me?
Toot: Um... wow. I'm just going to leave that one alone. So anyway, we had lots of sex, and we did all kinds of fun stuff on the trip. I'll tell you about all the fun stuff. I could tell you about the sex too, but for that, it would be easier to just show you the video. But we can talk about that at breakfast. So who's cooking?
Foxxy: Not me or Hero! We're going to be too busy trying to plan our wedding! (The others, with the exception of Toot, eagerly turn to look at Foxxy and Hero.)
Clara: Oh, you're going to start getting your wedding plans together today? That's so wonderful! I want to help!
Wooldoor: Yeah, me too!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling too!
Spanky: I can make toasts to everybody and pretend that I'm listening!
Toot: Wait a minute. That doesn't sound like anybody's going to be making breakfast. I don't think I care for this development.
Clara: Oh, who can think about eating breakfast when there's something this exciting going on?
Wooldoor: Yeah, we'll make some toast or something.
Toot: Toast? I did not drag my ass out of bed six hours early just for toast! Now somebody get off their ass and go make me some damn proper breakfast, okay?
Wooldoor: I think you guys should get married in Vegas! But by a real minister, not one of those Elvis types. Or it could be me dressed as Elvis. I don't THINK that would invalidate my marriage license...
Clara: How about Morningwood? We kinda did the courtyard thing already, but if you want something different, you guys could get married in the Great Hall!
Hero: I don't know, Clara. I'd feel weird getting married in a place where Foxxy and I had sex.
Foxxy: Which means pretty much the entirety of Morningwood is out.
Clara: You guys have been there TWICE.
Foxxy: And your point?
Clara: (sighing sadly) Oh, my sweet homeland... you seemed so innocent to me once.
Marty: I'll make you breakfast, Toot.
Toot: Well, that would be nice, Marty. But I want us all to have breakfast as a group so everybody can gush over the new bride!
Marty: (sighing) Guys... can we just have breakfast and talk about the honeymoon? You guys can make your wedding plans later.
Spanky: (ignoring Marty) Hey, can you guys send my wife an invitation? I'm not sure if she'd actually want to go, I just want her to have some hard evidence that I'm actually attending a wedding and not ditching her to go drinking and whoring.
Foxxy: She's really worried you'll do that?
Spanky: It's not without some justification.
Toot: (pleadingly) Marty...
Marty: Guys, come on. Please?
Xandir: I can make some of my tofu sausage! Or maybe some soy bacon.
Foxxy: For the wedding?
Xandir: No, for breakfast today! We can talk about your wedding while we're eating!
Toot: Hey!
Ling-Ling: This bad time to suggest Hello Kitty S&M Room?
Foxxy: Well, Ling-Ling, that sounds nice, but wouldn't something like that be more YOUR thing?
Hero: Foxxy, you're forgetting who he's married to.
Foxxy: Right. You're afraid Clara would get offended.
Ling-Ling: No... he more afraid Carla not get point at all.
Clara: What's S&M, you guys?
Spanky: It's about humiliation, Clara.
Clara: Oh, like praying in my sack dress? Is that what the S stands for? Sack dress? Hmm, I guess the M must stand for mortification, then. But... where does Hello Kitty come into it? Is that how Ling-Ling will be dressed?
Toot: Argh!
Wooldoor: Argh. Hmm... that gives me an idea! You guys should have a pirate theme for your wedding! You can wear eye patches and your best man can be a parrot!
Spanky: I'll give Xandir a wooden leg!
Toot: Is anybody even listening to me?
Spanky: No. (He turns back to Foxxy.) Have you ever thought about a disco themed wedding? I know this place where you can get a leisure suit-styled tux!
Toot: (sighing) Marty...
Marty: Guys, come on. If nothing else, you know that Toot isn't going to shut up about this until you give her your attention.
Spanky: Sorry, Marty. But you're the one who's married to her now. Making Toot shut up is now officially YOUR responsibility, not ours!
Toot: Hey! I am not some raving lunatic who needs to be shut up! I am a real person with real feelings, and real needs, and I could just use a little-
Marty: Okay! (In an instant, Marty grabs Toot, bends her back, and proceeds to kiss her passionately. Toot resists at first, but quickly relents and starts to enjoy the kiss. The room goes silent. Marty looks back at the others. He sees that they are watching him and Toot kiss. He looks at them with confusion. He momentarily breaks away from Toot's lips.) Um... you guys?
Hero: Yes?
Marty: I'm shutting Toot up for you. Shouldn't you be taking advantage of the silence to talk about your wedding?
Wooldoor: We'd rather watch you guys make out!
Marty is confused and a little bit creeped out. He looks at Toot questioningly. She shrugs.
Toot: Hey, attention is attention.
Marty shrugs as well and resumes kissing Toot. The others continue to look on. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the breakfast table, where the group is now coming to the end of their breakfast.
Toot: But with any luck, the stains should come out in six to eight weeks. (She puts her hands together.) And that's what our honeymoon was like! Any questions? (Wooldoor sticks his hand up.) Yes, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Can you give us a graphical recreation of just how nasty your honeymoon sex was?
Toot: (slightly confused) Um... I didn't really know you were into that kind of thing, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I'm not. But I know how that kind of talk grosses Clara out, and I'm hoping if you tell some nasty sex story, she won't feel like eating her last piece of sausage and she'll give it to me!
Clara: (picking up her plate and getting up from the table) I think I'll finish my breakfast in the living room, if that's okay.
Wooldoor: (to Clara as she leaves) Cop-out! (He turns back to Toot.) So tell me about the sex.
Toot: Now Wooldoor, just so you know, there was more happening on our honeymoon besides just sex.
Marty: Yeah, Wooldoor. It's not like getting married is some kind of license just so you can have more sex!
Hero: If it was, there'd be no point to Foxxy and me getting married!
Foxxy: Not until we can get over that seven minute hump, at least.
Spanky: Seven Minute Hump. That'd make a great title for a porn movie. True, it wouldn't be that long, but at least you wouldn't have to waste time with any of that "plot" nonsense.
Toot: Maybe when you're older, I'll tell you about sex, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Well, I'm older than I was when I first asked the question! Does that count?
Toot: Yeah, I guess it does. Okay, then, Wooldoor. Now it starts with this thing called foreplay. That usually involves Marty taking off my dress and/or stockings and caressing my-
Foxxy: Toot! (Toot looks over at Foxxy.) Toot, no offense, but I think that when the time comes, I'LL be the one giving Wooldoor his sexual education. After all, sex is a very complicated thing, and you've got to have someone who will teach it responsibly!
Toot: Yeah, cause responsible sex is totally your area of expertise, Foxxy!
Wooldoor: Well, if it's responsibility you're concerned with, maybe I should have Clara teach me. She'd be more responsible than anyone!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, you'd be in more of a position to teach CLARA about sex.
Spanky: (laughing) Ha ha! Cause Clara doesn't know anything about sex! That's why it's funny!
Ling-Ling: Hey! Ling-Ling not like you making fun of Carla like that! He want you guys to know he plenty sexually satisfied in marriage!
Spanky: Yes, because thankfully, all of your fetishes can be indulged without actually violating her.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling violate Carla plenty of times!
Spanky: Sure, Ling-Ling, if that's what you want to call it.
Ling-Ling: There no rule about how far he have to get it up in her!
Marty: That's not a very romantic way to describe sex, you guys. "Violating someone". It just makes it sound nasty.
Toot: Yes, it does. (With a gleam in her eye, she turns to Marty. She grins at him.)
Marty: Oh, good Lord. That turns you on, doesn't it?
Toot: (looking at Marty seductively) I don't know, Marty. I've never been... "violated"... before.
Marty: Toot, are you suggesting we do that hypothetical prison scenario you were talking about on the plane?
Toot: Let's go to my room! I have a hairbrush I can fashion into a shiv!
Getting up from the table, Toot grabs Marty's hand and rushes out of the room practically dragging Marty behind her. The others look at each other.
Foxxy: Well, guys. It does appear that Toot and Marty are in that post-honeymoon "can't keep their hands off each other" phase.
Hero: (looking at Foxxy) I can't wait until WE'RE in that phase, Foxxy! (Foxxy looks at Hero.) Um... because that would mean that I was now happily married to the woman I love!
Spanky: I remember when my wife and I were in that phase.
Xandir: Do you mean me, Spanky?
Spanky: Yeah, Xandir. I meant that time when you and I were doing it all the time. (Spanky rolls his eyes.)
Foxxy: Okay, so Hero, did you have any thoughts about where you wanted to have the wedding? It would need to be some place we could book in a hurry.
Hero: That probably lets out the fancier hotels, then.
Foxxy: We could always do it in a church. I'm sure one of them would have an opening a couple of months away.
Hero: That's a possibility. But... I don't know. I kind of wanted our wedding locale to be a little more special than that. There's nothing really special about a church.
Clara (in confessional): I don't care if Hero is Jewish, he's still going to hell for that remark!
Wooldoor: How about you guys get married in my homeland? The Land of the Peppermint Rainbow?
Foxxy: Is that place even still around?
Wooldoor: Sure it is! I mean, yeah, it's been paved over and turned into a theme park/Holocaust museum, but it'd still make a great place for a wedding! You'd just have to watch out for the carnies hanging around the place.
Foxxy: No, thanks, Wooldoor, we'll pass.
Wooldoor: Awwwww!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know perfect place to have wedding! He think Hero and Foxxy-san should get married in Tokyo. It very romantic, and Godzilla-attacking season not happen for three more months!
Hero: That might not be a bad idea. All the bridesmaids could be dressed as geishas.
Spanky: Ling-Ling... are you sure you aren't just suggesting that so you can try to lure Clara to the Hello Kitty S&M Room while we're there?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling fail to see how that relevant here.
Spanky: Hey!
Foxxy: Actually, that idea could work, Ling-Ling. I'll mark that down as one of the choices. (Ling-Ling nods happily.)
Xandir: Oh! I know! You could have the wedding at my parents' house!
Foxxy: Your parents' house? Wouldn't it be a little small?
Xandir: Well, size doesn't really matter, Foxxy.
Spanky: Oh, you've got to chuckle at the irony.
Xandir: Well, not when it comes to something like this. Size DOES matter when you're talking about the size of the penis being plunged into your backside.
Spanky: And now you've ruined it.
Foxxy: Okay, well, I think we've got some good suggestions for places we can hold the wedding. I'll go make a few calls this afternoon and see if we can book a place and then we'll work on getting the details hammered out.
Hero: What kind of details?
Foxxy: Details like food, music- (Xandir immediately sticks his hand up.)
Xandir: Ooh! Ooh! I have a suggestion!
Hero: Xandir, no! We are not playing ANYTHING from ANY of the soundtracks to ANY of the High School Musical films at our wedding!
Xandir: Are you sure? Not even that song about staying in love forever? Seems like that would be perfect for a wedding, don't you think? (Foxxy and Hero look at Xandir skeptically.) Well, anyway, that wasn't what I was going to suggest. You guys, I would be honored if... you would let ME perform at your wedding.
Foxxy: You want to sing at our wedding?
Xandir: Sing? Oh no no. I'm only minorly talented as a singer. Where my true musical talents lie... are with these! (With that, he immediately whips out a huge set of bagpipes.) Impressive, huh? I know 72 songs on the bagpipes that are just PERFECT for weddings... including some that aren't even from High School Musical! Just watch!
Xandir begins to play the bagpipes. The others all cover their ears at the horrible squawking sound.
Hero: Oh, good Lord! He sucks!
Foxxy: Does he? I'm not so sure he does! For all we know, he could be playing them perfectly!
Spanky: True. With bagpipes, you can never tell. (Xandir stops playing and puts the bagpipes down.)
Xandir: So what do you think? Can I play at your wedding?
Foxxy: Um... we'll let you know.
Xandir: You didn't think I was good, did you?
Foxxy: Xandir, we thought you was great!
Xandir: Then can I play?
Foxxy: Um... sure. Why not?
Xandir: Yay! (He begins celebrating.) I'm going to perform at Foxxy and Hero's wedding! Yay Xandir! (Xandir happily dances out of the room. The others turn to Foxxy in shock.)
Spanky: Foxxy, are you serious? Don't tell me you actually liked that sound!
Hero: I honestly think I'd rather he sang!
Foxxy: Well, no, of course I didn't like it. It's just that he seemed so eager about performing at the wedding, and well... I didn't have the heart to break it to him.
Spanky: Well, unless you want all your wedding guests to be wearing kilts and eating haggis, you have to tell him he can't play those damn bagpipes at your wedding! Here, Foxxy, I'll tell you what. If you can't do it, I'LL go tell him.
Foxxy: I don't know, Spanky. I don't know if there's any way to tell him without hurting his feelings.
Spanky: That's okay. I'll just tell him WITH hurting his feelings.
Foxxy: Spanky, no. I'll do it myself. Just as soon as I figure out how.
Spanky: Well, all right, then. I wish you the best of luck. (With that, Spanky gets up and starts to leave the room.) In the meantime, I think I'll show Xandir my own instrument. I call it... the teabagpipes! (Spanky exits. Hero looks at Foxxy.)
Hero: You know, Foxxy, maybe the bagpipes would actually work. Having a Scottish theme for our wedding doesn't sound like a bad idea, now that I think about it.
Foxxy: I am not going to give you an excuse to do your Braveheart speech at the altar, Hero.
Hero: (begins speaking in a bad Scottish accent) For you can take away my bachelorhood, not to mention my single tax filing status, but you'll never take away.... (he looks up at the sky) MY FREE-
Foxxy: Yes, we've all seen the film, Hero. We know how the punch line goes.
Hero: Allrighty then.
The scene changes to upstairs. Clara is in her bedroom looking at a pamphlet she found on the dresser.
Clara: Hmm... this does look like a charming place. But why is Hello Kitty holding that whip? (At that moment, there is a knock at the door. Clara turns toward it.) Come in! Unless you're Spanky, in which case I should specify that I meant the "enter the room" definition of "come" and not the other one! (The door opens. Toot steps inside.)
Toot: Hey, Clara. Can I talk to you about something?
Clara: Oh, sure, Toot. What's the problem? (Toot enters and sits down on the bed.)
Toot: Well, there's no problem, Clara. Not yet, at least. But I do want your advice about something.
Clara: Toot, I'm flattered, but... before we start, is this going to be one of those things where you run back and forth between Foxxy and me and then ignore us both and do what you want anyway?
Toot: No, Clara. I wasn't even planning to talk to Foxxy this time, I promise. I just had a question about marriage and I figured since you were married, you might be able to advise me.
Clara: Oh, sure, Toot, no problem. What's on your mind?
Toot: Well, things are great between Marty and me right now, but I know that's because we're still kind of in the honeymoon phase. I know that won't last, though, so do you have any suggestions for ways we might be able to sort of... gently settle into things?
Clara: Well-
Toot: And don't say "Don't have sex!"
Clara: Now, Toot. "Don't have sex" is not my advice for EVERYTHING, you know!
Toot: No, but you do usually find a way to work it into the conversation somewhere.
Clara: Well, that was the old me. But now I'm happily married and I can have sex as much as I want!
Toot: Yes, but... once a month isn't enough for Marty and me! (Toot giggles.)
Clara: (sarcastically) Oh ha ha!
Toot: I'm sorry, Clara, you're just too easy. Well... maybe not in THAT sense...
Clara: I'm a prude, Toot, we get it. Can we just move on?
Toot: Sure, Clara. So seriously, any ideas for how Marty and I can help ease the transition? How did you and Ling-Ling do it?
Clara: There isn't really any big secret to it or anything. Just try not to worry about it too much... and don't forget how much you and Marty love each other.
Toot: Yeah, I somehow doubt it'll be that easy.
Clara: Fair enough. Well... with Ling-Ling and me, it was kind of an odd situation. I mean, I didn't even realize it was going to be a real marriage, so all the paranoia, all the obsessing... that didn't even enter into it for me.
Toot: But on your honeymoon, you realized it was actually love. That must have changed something, right?
Clara: Well, yes, it did.
Toot: So what happened the first time it hit you? The first time you realized that you weren't a bride anymore... you were a wife?
Clara: I don't remember... that was such an overwhelming time for me. I actually didn't think about it that much. I just kind of took things as they came.
Toot: Right. Well, maybe you have a point. Maybe I'm overthinking things. Maybe it'll be like you say- the change will be so gradual I won't even notice it.
Clara: Could be!
Toot: Well, thanks for your advice, Clara. I'm sure things will be okay. (She gets off the bed and walks over to the door.)
Clara: You need anybody to talk to about things, I'm always here.
Toot: (looking back at Clara) Sure, Clara. You bet.
With that, Toot opens the door and walks out. From downstairs, we hear a voice ringing out.
Xandir: (voice) Spanky! Quit teabagging me while I'm trying to play the bagpipes!
We hear Spanky laugh as Clara closes the door. The scene changes to Hero and Foxxy in the kitchen.
Hero: Oh, come on! Why not?
Foxxy: Well, Hero, while I admit that I personally would not mind having a gigantic ice sculpture of your penis at the reception... I just don't want to see you getting all upset once it starts melting. Plus, it would look really weird if somebody were to start licking it... or humping it. Either of which is quite possible.
Hero: Then how about a gigantic ice sculpture of your-
Foxxy: Yeah, I don't think so. Although that WOULD possess the advantage of Clara probably not knowing what it was. (Hero nods.)
The scene changes to the living room, where Xandir is sitting on the couch trying to play bagpipes while Spanky sits on top of his head.
Xandir: Come on, Spanky, let me up!
Spanky: No! Not until you put the bagpipes away!
Xandir: But Spanky, I want to play bagpipes!
Spanky: Xandir, do you want me to do this without the pants on?
Xandir: Well... (As Xandir pauses thoughtfully, Spanky sees immediately what is going on and gets up, disgusted.)
Spanky: Okay, I knew that was a bad idea. (As Spanky starts to walk away, we see Clara coming down the stairs.) See you later, Xandir. Way to ruin a good teabagging!
Spanky heads upstairs, passing Clara on the way. The doorbell rings. Clara walks over to the door and opens it. A look of surprise and irritation forms on her face.
Clara: Oh, dear God, it's YOU. What the hell are YOU doing back here?
The camera pulls out to reveal that standing in the doorway is none other than Reverend Smack Daddy.
Reverend: I'm just here to spread the word of Jesus. And maybe y'all's legs. But only if we're properly married first.
Clara: Sorry, Reverend Smack Daddy, but I told you last time I was here that I'm already married. And before you ask, no, I have no interest in converting to Mormonism.
Reverend: Fair enough. So how's you and your husband's sex life? You need any advice? If you'd like, you two can get it on and I can watch. It's okay, cause I'm a man of the cloth. And Jesus sees you guys when you do it anyway.
Clara: I don't have time for this today. Well, actually I do, but... I don't want to give it all up for this. (She turns toward the kitchen and calls out.) Foxxy? You'd better get in here!
As Clara turns and walks back upstairs, Foxxy and Hero enter from the kitchen. Foxxy sees Smack Daddy and becomes confused.
Foxxy: Smack Daddy?
Reverend: The one and only! (Foxxy walks over to him.)
Foxxy: Now what in the world is you doing here today? (She eyes him skeptically.) You didn't come to try to hook up with any of us, did you? Cause two of us is married now.
Reverend: Is one of those two you?
Foxxy: No, not yet. But I will be getting married myself very shortly, so I won't be able to share the hot intermarital sex with you either.
Reverend: Now, Foxxy! That wasn't what I came to ask you about at all!
Foxxy: It wasn't?
Reverend: No! I just came to tell y'all that I'm gonna be playing a cruise here in a couple of months. (He hands Foxxy a flyer.) Now it just so happens that the other entertainer dropped out and we need a new supporting act. And Foxxy... you were the first person I thought of.
Foxxy: No, I ain't, Reverend! If I'm gonna be a replacement performer, it means by definition that I'm the second person you thought of at best!
Reverend: True dat. True dat.
Foxxy: In either case, while I'm very flattered by your offer, I'm afraid I won't be able to attend. Hero and I are getting married here very soon and I'm afraid that this cruise would conflict with that.
Reverend: You sure? It'd be a great vacation for you.
Foxxy: Thank you, Reverend. But we really need to focus on getting our wedding together.
Reverend: Foxxy, we could really use you on this cruise. I'll tell you what. This cruise will be all expenses paid... you agree to perform and you can have your honeymoon on the boat, free of charge! (A thought starts to form in Hero's head.)
Foxxy: Money isn't a problem, actually, Reverend. The show is gonna pay for our wedding regardless.
Jew Producer: (over intercom) Is it going to do me any good to protest here?
Foxxy: No.
Jew Producer: (over intercom) Bah!
Hero: You know, Foxxy, I think that the Reverend has a point. A honeymoon cruise WOULD be awfully nice.
Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero, it would. But this cruise is less than two months away! We still have to get our wedding together!
Hero: So what if... we just had the wedding on the boat?
Foxxy: Had the wedding on the boat? Hero, again, that's a nice idea, but I'm honestly not sure it's practical.
Hero: Are you sure? Think about it. We were worried about being able to book a nice place on short notice... well, here's an awesome wedding locale practically being dropped right in our lap!
Foxxy: Well, maybe it would be good for US, but... would our friends be able to come?
Reverend: They're gonna let me have 25 seats. If you wanted, I could get y'all and all y'all's housemates on the boat. Your families too, I guess, just as long as you don't go inviting a bunch of cousins and so forth.
Foxxy: Well... all I really need is my parents, I guess. (She looks at Hero.) What about you?
Hero: Same here!
Foxxy: But would there be a place available for it? If this is a sold out cruise, I'm not sure there'd be an empty section of boat that we could hold it in!
Reverend: It's a pretty big boat. I could see to it that one of the decks was all yours for one of the days of the cruise. That is, if y'all ain't picky about what part of the boat you wanted to get married on.
Foxxy: I have to admit, it would solve a lot of problems. (She thinks for a minute.) All right, Smack Daddy. We'll do it on one condition.
Reverend: What's that?
Foxxy: That you leave us the hell alone when we're on this thing!
Reverend: Well... all right. You got a deal, Foxxy.
Hero: Yay!
Reverend: Thanks a lot, Foxxy!
Foxxy: You're welcome. Now get out of my house before you start corrupting my housemates again. (With that, the Reverend smiles, turns, and walks away. Foxxy turns to Hero excitedly.) Well, Hero... it looks like our wedding is set!
Hero: Looks like it is!
Foxxy: Let's go tell the others. (She turns around to call upstairs, only to discover that all of her housemates are already standing there waiting for her.) Well, that was quick!
Wooldoor: Awwww... did I miss the sleazy rapper? Clara said that we had another one of those here!
Clara: Not another one, Wooldoor. The same one as before.
Wooldoor: It's too bad I missed him. I just discovered 37 new church-acceptable words for prostitute!
Foxxy: Anyway, y'all, I just signed on to perform on this cruise (she hands Toot the flyer, who proceeds to pass it around to the others), and in return, they're gonna let Hero and me have our wedding there!
Wooldoor: That's awesome, Foxxy! Say, speaking of performing-
Foxxy: Oh, God, here we go.
Wooldoor: Foxxy, can I sing at your wedding? Pleeeeeeeease?
Foxxy: And since when is you so anxious to get up and sing in front of people, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Ever since I kicked Spanky's ass at karaoke that one time! I'd give anything to feel that rush again.
Clara: Wooldoor, that's just crazy talk.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Clara: If any of us gets to sing at Foxxy's wedding, it should be ME! I'm one of Foxxy's nearest, dearest friends, and more importantly, I happen to be a trained professional vocalist. (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, I would be truly honored if you would allow me to perform at your wedding. I beat Whitney Houston at karaoke night once!
Spanky: And later that night, Bobby Brown-
Foxxy: Spanky, don't go there. (She turns to Clara.) We'll think about it, Clara. Okay?
Xandir: Hey! If she gets to sing, then I get to play bagpipes! It's only fair!
Clara: How?
Xandir: Cause I asked to perform first!
Spanky: You're using the word "perform" rather liberally there, Xandir. (Xandir is irritated.)
Wooldoor: No! No! I should be the one who gets to sing!
Foxxy: And now the floodgates have been opened.
Ling-Ling: Hey, Ling-Ling not exactly chopped liver, people! He know pornographic version of Ling-Ling battle song that be perfect for chocolate animal woman honeymoon night!
Wooldoor: I do an awesome version of "Wind Beneath My Wings"! I can even provide my own percussion by slapping my naked buttocks!
Spanky: Can I recite Beatnik poetry while I play the teabagpipes?
Foxxy: Oh, good God, y'all! What is with this sudden thing of everybody wanting to perform at our wedding? Y'all didn't pull this crap when Toot was getting married!
Wooldoor: That's because Toot was such a Nazi about everything, she never gave us a chance!
Toot: Hey!
Wooldoor: Sorry, Toot, but it's true. (Stunned, Toot begins to sulk.)
Foxxy: Let's never mind about that right now, y'all. We've got a wedding to plan. Hero and I are going to go pick out decorations and stuff, and in the meantime, the rest of you can work on getting your travel plans in order. And if y'all has any questions about-
Clara: What about me singing at your wedding?
Wooldoor: And me singing?
Xandir: And me playing bagpipes?
Spanky: And me cutting up said bagpipes with a chainsaw?
Foxxy: Guys, I don't have time for this. I'll decide later who performs, if anybody. In the meantime, Hero and I are going to be very busy, so if y'all could just direct all your other questions to my maid of honor, I would very much appeciate it.
Spanky: So who's your maid of honor?
Foxxy begins to turn her head to look at the person in question. The others all react with dread.
Wooldoor: Oh, no.
Spanky: Oh, crap.
The camera pulls out to reveal that Foxxy is looking at Toot, who has a huge grin on her face. Foxxy smiles and walks away, followed by Hero. The others turn away in disappointment.
(to be continued...)
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 51: A Tale of Two Wombs
« Result #7 on Jun 28, 2009, 8:12pm » | |
A TALE OF TWO WOMBS
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Dawn is breaking. We see the familiar shot of the rooster crowing. The scene cuts to inside the house. The camera is about to go inside Foxxy and Hero's bedroom when a shrill, familiar voice interrupts.
Toot: (offscreen) Hey! What are you assholes showing the house for? I'm not even there right now! (The camera lingers on a shot of Foxxy's door for a moment, seemingly unaware of what to do.) You can get back to the house in a minute. MY bit comes first in this episode.
The camera tilts up and down a couple of times as if to nod in acknowledgement. The scene changes to Toot in the confessional. The confessional is French-themed, with wine and cheese all around and a giant flag of France as the backdrop. Toot's outfit is hastily thrown on, and she is not wearing shoes or stockings. She is, however, wearing a beret.
Toot (in confessional): Thank you. Anyway, I'm not going to be in the main part of the episode this week, but I thought you guys might like to know what happened with me and Marty on our honeymoon. I got three words. Hot... sex. Wait, that's just two words. LOTS... of hot sex. Okay, now that's four words. Let me try again. MUCHO hot sex. Okay, now that just sounds awkward. Anyway, there was much sex being had and we were the ones having it. But don't worry, that wasn't ALL we did on our honeymoon.
Clara: (offscreen) Oh, thank God! I was actually worried about that. (Toot looks offscreen to her left, extremely confused.)
Toot (in confessional): Clara? What the F? How are you interrupting my confessional? I'm in France right now!
Clara: (offscreen) I know. And I'm on the telephone. You called me in the middle of your hot sex with Marty to tell me about the hot sex you were having with Marty.
Toot (in confessional): And you're still on the line?
Clara: (offscreen) It wasn't that long ago.
Toot (in confessional): Not that long ago? But- (At that moment, another voice rings out.)
Marty: (offscreen) Toot, can you get back in here so we can finish the hot sex? The mime is starting to look at me funny.
Toot (in confessional): I'll be there in just a moment, Marty! (She turns back to the camera.) I guess I'd better make this quick. I'll tell you what, I'll just play a montage. Here, enjoy.
Clara: (offscreen) Can I hang up now?
Toot (in confessional): Sure, Clara.
The montage begins. As French music begins to play, the first shot we see is of a sprawling French countryside. High on the hill is a dirt path. Toot and Marty, both riding bicycles, come into view. Each is carrying a baguette. Both are laughing. A stereotypical Frenchman with a pencil mustache and a striped shirt comes into view. Toot and Marty, both still laughing, bump into him with their bikes and continue on their way as the Frenchman goes rolling down the hill. Next, the scene changes to the Eiffel Tower. Toot and Marty are high up in the tower, looking out and enjoying the view. Marty is taking pictures. A grin forms on Toot's face. She runs to the railing, climbs over it, and dangles over the edge by her legs. Marty rushes over to her and grabs her, pulling her away from the railing. However, in the process, he loses his camera over the edge. We see the same Frenchman walking on the ground below. The camera hits him square in the head. He rubs his head in pain and looks confused. Next, we see Toot and Marty, both in bare feet, standing in a vat crushing grapes. In the middle of stomping, they stop and look at each other. Realizing they are alone, they grab onto each other and tumble into the mass of crushed grapes. The foreman, however, sees them. He sighs and turns to his assistant, speaking in French. His subtitles read, "That's okay, we'll just sell this batch in the French K-Mart". The assistant nods. Finally, the scene changes to an exterior shot of a small French cafe. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see all manner of French stereotypes in attendance. At one table, we see Hercule Poirot, who looks at the camera with annoyance. He speaks an angry statement in French while his subtitles read. "I am not French, damn you, I am Belgian! Although I do like to visit the French countryside sometimes." Toot and Marty enter the scene.
Toot: War just broke out! (Immediately, every French person in the cafe dives under the table in terror.) I mean, my cousin, Bob War. He fell in poison ivy and broke out in a huge rash! Guys? (Nobody moves. Toot and Marty walk over the bar.) Hey, barkeep, can I have a bottle of wine and not pay for it?
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't really do that here.
Toot: German army.
Bartender: (fearfully throwing his hands up) I surrender!
He dives under the bar. Toot looks at him with curiosity. She shrugs and grabs a bottle of wine off the counter and walks away from the counter. Walking back to the main seating area, she notices that all of the patrons are still under the table except for Hercule Poirot.
Toot: Hey! How come you're not under the table with the rest of those French bastards?
Hercule Poirot: Because as I said previously, madame, I am not French, I am Belgian. Although I do like to visit the French countryside sometimes.
Marty: I see. (At that moment, a voice rings out from the back of the cafe.)
Woman: Help! My husband has been murdered! Can somebody help solve the crime? (Poirot reacts with annoyance.)
Poirot: (sighing) Bon dieu! Even here. (At that moment, an elderly woman looking very much like Angela Lansbury walks up behind Poirot.)
Jessica Fletcher: Actually, I think this one might have been my fault.
Toot and Marty shrug and walk out of the cafe. On the sidewalk outside the cafe, we see a French mime doing shtick. Toot and Marty look at each other, then look back at the mime. He is doing the standard "trapped in a box" routine. Toot leans over and whispers in Marty's ear. Marty nods. They proceed to grab the mime by the arm and run off with him.
Mime: Help! Help! (Immediately realizing his faux pas, the mime covers his mouth in shame.)
The scene changes back to Toot in the confessional. She swings one leg over the other and begins dangling her foot.
Toot (in confessional): Ah, stereotypes. Aren't they great? Well, anyway, that's what's happening with Marty and me at the moment. I guess I'll turn the show over to those other assholes now. (She sighs.)
Marty: (offscreen) No, you stupid mime, I don't want a pretend apple!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the hallway upstairs. The camera once again makes its way toward Foxxy and Hero's bedroom. It stops, seemingly hesitating over whether or not it will be okay to go forward this time. Nothing happens. The camera finally goes inside the bedroom. We see Foxxy and Hero cuddling in bed together.
Hero: That was great.
Foxxy: Isn't it always?
Hero: There was that one time it wasn't. That time Wooldoor interrupted us. The actual sex itself was pretty good. The interrupting I didn't really care for. (He turns to her.) Although I did appreciate your attempt to incorporate his interjection into our sex play!
Foxxy: What makes me laugh is that Wooldoor actual put on the vicar costume for it!
Hero: He likes to play dress-up.
Foxxy: Yes, he does.
Hero: (looking at the clock on the nightstand) Well... it looks like we still have half an hour before I have to go to work. Wanna go again?
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Captain Hero? You don't have a job!
Hero: You're right. (He looks disappointed.) I guess the sex is out, then.
Foxxy: Or... we could have sex and you just be late. (Hero perks up.) Late to the job you don't have.
Hero: You're right, Foxxy! That's a brilliant idea! Do you think we can make it work?
Foxxy: That depends, Captain Hero. How fast can you get an erec- (She looks down at his crotch area)- okay, you're way ahead of me on that one.
Hero: (looking at Foxxy seductively) I figured this time you could be a captured Soviet spy during the Cold War and I'm shaking you down for information!
Foxxy: Let's do it!
Hero moves over on top of Foxxy and begins having sex with her.
Hero: I got you now, you dirty Russian whore!
Foxxy: (in a Russian accent) You never get superspy Nicolai St. Foxxyovich to talk!
Hero: (momentarily stopping) I like the accent. Nice!
Foxxy: Thanks!
Hero: (resuming the sex) So tell you where you hid the secret microfilm!
Foxxy: (resuming her accent) Oh, Captain Hero, I see I will not be able to resist your sexy American interrogation technique! All right, I tell you then. I hide microfilm up snatch.
Hero: Your snatch, eh?
Foxxy: You'll have to fish it out with your big American penis.
Hero: Oh, I will, Foxxy! I will!
As Hero continues thrusting, the door suddenly opens. Wooldoor bursts in.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero! Captain Hero!
Hero: Dammit, Wooldoor!
Foxxy: (dropping the accent) It's okay, I've got this one. (Foxxy bolts out of bed. Quickly grabbing a tiny suit out from under the nightstand, she hurries over to Wooldoor and puts the suit on him. We see that the suit contains a button that says "CIA director".)
Wooldoor: Um, what?
Foxxy: (resuming her accent) Oh, please, American CIA director! Do not execute the Foxxyovich! She in process of defecting to your American side!
Hero: (to Wooldoor) I was about to stamp her passport!
Wooldoor: Passport? That's stupid! I'm not playing along with this. (Hero and Foxxy look worried.) She doesn't need a passport if she's going to defect! I'll just use my CIA position to secure her diplomatic immunity! (A thoughtful look forms on his face.) That is... if we're sure we can trust her!
Foxxy: You can trust the Foxxyovich implicitly! She give you list of secret Soviet contacts to prove her loyalty! And expensive Belgian chocolates! (She looks at Wooldoor.) Belgians give Soviets anything we want. They totally our bitches.
Wooldoor: (to Hero) Did you find the secret microfilm?
Hero: Not yet. It's hidden in there pretty deep. I guess I'll just have to start probing her harder.
Foxxy: Oh, yes, Captain Hero! Yes!
Wooldoor: Fine, then. You get the microfilm from the Russian whore and I'll let her stay in the country.
Foxxy: Oh, thank you, Comrade Wooldoorvitch!
Wooldoor: Shh, quiet, Foxxy! Nobody's supposed to know my secret background until later!
Foxxy: Oh, right. Sorry.
Wooldoor: I'll leave you two kids alone, then. (He salutes Hero.) I'll see you later.
Hero: See you later, CIA director Sockbat!
Wooldoor turns and leaves. Foxxy scurries back into bed. She and Hero immediately resume having sex. The door opens once again. Foxxy and Hero look up, alarmed.
Wooldoor: Oh, I almost forgot. You two have your sonogram in half an hour. Don't be late. (He exits again. Foxxy and Hero turn to each other.)
Hero: Awwww! I wanted to keep having sex!
Foxxy: Hero, don't you want to find out the sex of our baby?
Hero: I don't think babies should be having sex, Foxxy.
Foxxy: I meant find out whether it's a boy or a girl.
Hero: Oh. Well, I guess I am curious about that.
Foxxy: At least that way we'll know whether or not we'll need to make the decision about whether or not to give it a bris.
Hero: Oh, I hope it's a girl so we don't have to decide. I don't want to go through THAT mess again!
Foxxy: Me either. (She sighs and gets up.) Well, I guess we'd better get dressed so we can go find out. (As Foxxy begins putting her clothes back on, Hero does not move. She turns to him.) Captain Hero? (He looks at her.) Ain't you getting dressed?
Hero: Can I not go to it naked?
Foxxy: Pretty sure that's frowned on.
Hero: Eh, it's Wooldoor. He'll let it go if it's me.
Foxxy: He might decide it's time for another penis exam.
Hero: I'll get my clothes on.
Hero gets up and begins getting dressed.
Toot (in confessional): Meanwhile, speaking of babies, another couple was working on that very thing right at that moment. (She pauses.) Uh, yeah, I guess I'm narrating this one or something. Just... cut to Clara, okay?
The scene changes to Clara and Ling-Ling's bedroom. Ling-Ling sits on the bed, somewhat nervous. Clara, in her nightclothes, emerges from the bathroom holding a pregnancy test. Her expression is somber, and she is somewhat queasy.
Ling-Ling: Nothing?
Clara: Nada.
Ling-Ling: Goddammit, what problem? Why Carla still not pregnant?
Clara: I don't know, Ling-Ling. We've been at this for months now.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling really thought we had it this time.
Clara: Me too, Ling-Ling. I was so excited when I woke up this morning and immediately had to vomit! But then... (She looks at the pregnancy test and sighs.) Now I have to deal with not being pregnant AND having a stomach virus.
Ling-Ling: We doing something wrong?
Clara: I don't know, Ling-Ling. Maybe you have to have sex in a certain way in order for it to make you pregnant.
Ling-Ling: Could always ask chocolate animal woman. She probably know. And unlike land whale, she not lie about it just to have fun at princess expense!
Toot (in confessional): Oh, that's right, I forgot all about that episode! (She laughs.) Oh, I was such a bitch in those days. Well, anyway, back to the story.
Clara: I'll ask Foxxy. If anyone around here knows anything about getting pregnant, I'm sure she does!
At that moment, we hear the sound of someone's throat clearing. Clara and Ling-Ling turn toward the door to see Spanky in the doorway.
Spanky: You know, Clara... I happen to know a thing or two about how a girl can get pregnant. Mind if I make a suggestion?
Clara: Does this suggestion involve you either videotaping and/or sitting in the same room and watching me while I do whatever kinky-ass sexual thing you claim will be almost certain to get me pregnant, which may or may not be the case, although the whole question is irrelevant since the point of the whole exercise is a cheap way for you to get your rocks off?
Spanky: Clara, is there a light switch in your brain that flips the naivete on and off?
Clara: So you're saying I was right? (Spanky sighs in frustration.) Fine. Go ahead and tell me your suggestion, Spanky. But I'm warning you, the second I catch a whiff of any sleazy intentions, the story is over.
Spanky: Ernest Hemingway never had to work under these kind of restrictions.
Clara: Ernest Hemingway didn't have a history of trying to get inside my dress.
Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.
Clara: Just get on with the story, Spanky.
Spanky: Thank you. Now then, as we all know, a baby is formed when the man's sperm fertilizes the woman's egg. The problem with you and Ling-Ling is that his penis simply isn't long enough to get the sperm all the way there. What you need is to have the sperm inserted in you via a much longer object. Like, say- (Clara quickly gets up.)
Clara: (storming out) That's it. I'm out of here. See you at breakfast, Ling-Ling. Spanky, go take a cold shower. (She leaves. Spanky turns to Ling-Ling.)
Spanky: What? I was going to say like a turkey baster!
Ling-Ling: (scowling) No, you weren't.
Spanky: I know.
Cut to the hallway. Foxxy and Hero, now dressed, are making their way down the hallway. Clara runs into them coming out of her room.
Foxxy: Hey, Clara!
Clara: Hey, Foxxy. Where you guys off to?
Foxxy: We're going to see Dr. Wooldoor. We're going to have our sonogram today!
Clara: Oh, how wonderful! I'm very happy for you, Foxxy. Speaking of Dr. Wooldoor, I think I'll tag along. I need to see the doctor, too, about this virus I have. (The three start to walk down the hallway together. However, Foxxy suddenly stops them.)
Foxxy: Um, Clara?
Clara: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ain't you gonna get dressed before you go to see the doctor?
Clara: Why? Can I not go like this?
Hero: Sure you can! And I can go naked! (A look forms on Clara's face which is a combination of nervousness and being grossed out.)
Foxxy: It's a reference to something that happened earlier, Clara.
Clara: What? The invention of the penis?
Hero: If you'd like, I can wear the nightie and Clara can go naked.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, why don't you go on to the doctor's office? I want to have a word with Clara just a moment.
Hero: Okay, Foxxy.
Hero, whistling, begins walking down the hallway. Foxxy turns to Clara.
Foxxy: So, Clara-
Spanky: (offscreen) Wow, look at that penis! Hero, you are awesome! (Clara and Foxxy immediately turn in Hero's direction, surprised.)
Hero: Thanks!
Spanky: This video biography of Ron Jeremy you got me for my birthday makes very compelling entertainment!
Hero: It does, doesn't it?
Hero resumes whistling and continues down the hallway out of view. Foxxy turns back to Clara, both of them resuming their previous expression.
Foxxy: So, Clara, what I was going to ask you. Any luck on the baby front yet?
Clara: Not a bit. (Foxxy nods.) I don't know what the problem is, Foxxy. I honestly thought it would have happened by now.
Foxxy: Sometimes it takes a while.
Clara: It happened for you and Hero, and you guys weren't even trying!
Foxxy: It's all a matter of chance, Clara. You can't control it. You've just got to trust that when the time comes, God will bless you with child.
Clara: I know, Foxxy. I just wish there was something I could do to help it along.
Foxxy: Well, maybe there is. I'll tell you what. Let me do some thinking on this issue and I'll see if we can't come up with some ideas to help that baby get in there faster.
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Now let me think... they say that falling down the stairs is supposed to end a pregnancy. By that token... maybe falling UP the stairs would start one!
Clara: Ignoring the questionable logic of such a maneuver, is that even technically POSSIBLE?
Foxxy: In the M.C. Escher room, it might be.
Clara: Why don't you do some more thinking on it?
Foxxy: Maybe I will.
The scene changes to the waiting room of Wooldoor's doctor's office. Hero sits patiently in the waiting room gleefully reading Highlights while a very nervous-looking Xandir sits next to him. Wooldoor emerges from his office.
Wooldoor: Xandir? (Xandir jolts up.) I have your test results. (Xandir looks at Wooldoor attentively.) Xandir, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Xandir: (shocked) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! What is it?
Wooldoor: Xandir... I'm afraid that you have... cervical cancer.
Xandir: Cervical cancer! Oh no! Are you sure?
Wooldoor: I'm afraid so. Let me show you. (Xandir gets up and looks at a piece of paper Wooldoor holds out.) Xandir, this is a naked photo of yourself.
Xandir: Did you take that during a checkup for my medical records?
Wooldoor: No, I just downloaded it off your Facebook page. (Wooldoor points to a portion of the photograph.) Now if you'll look at your cervix area, there is a very large, pronounced growth here. It's much too large to be just a mole or a cyst, so I can only come to the conclusion that it's an extremely large tumor.
Xandir: Wooldoor, that's my penis.
Wooldoor: Oh? (He looks at the photo again. A moment of realization hits him.) Oh! Your penis! Of course! (Wooldoor laughs.) You don't have cervical cancer at all! You just have a penis!
Xandir: Wooldoor, I keep telling you, I'm not a girl, I'm a boy! Why do we have to keep going over this?
Spanky: (offscreen) It's an easy mistake to make. (Wooldoor and Xandir turn to Hero's left to see Spanky sitting right next to him reading Penthouse.) Hi.
Xandir: Spanky, why are you even here?
Spanky: I'm not involved in the plot this week, so I thought I'd just hang around and make snarky jokes from the sidelines.
Xandir: Fair enough.
Spanky: So getting back to Xandir's cervical cancer. That looks like a pretty big tumor there. You may have to cut it off.
Xandir: (blushing) Why, Spanky! Is that your way of saying I have a big penis?
Spanky: (putting the magazine down and getting up) Okay, we're done here. (Spanky walks out. Xandir calls after him angrily.)
Xandir: So it's okay when it's Ron Jeremy's penis, but not mine?
Wooldoor: I think Spanky likes Ron Jeremy's penis because it's usually attached to a naked woman.
Xandir: My penis is just as good as his.
Wooldoor: No, it isn't. Ron Jeremy's penis doesn't look like cervical cancer. (He looks at Xandir.) You're done, by the way. (He slaps a tube of ointment in Xandir's hand.) Here's some cream for your tumor.
Xandir: Wooldoor, I don't have a tumor! (Wooldoor gives Xandir the "talk to the hand gesture". Xandir sighs and walks out.)
Wooldoor: (looking up) Okay, who's next? (Hero looks up from his magazine and looks around the room. Nobody else is present.)
Hero: Oh. I guess I'm next.
Wooldoor: Well, Captain Hero, I do appreciate your willingness to help, but I think we're going to need Foxxy for the next part.
Hero: Oh, right. Well, while we're waiting on Foxxy, I wanted to ask you a medical question.
Wooldoor: What's that?
Hero: Wooldoor, if I got VD from a Taiwanese hooker ten years ago, is there a chance of that getting passed onto my kid?
Wooldoor: Ten years ago? No, Captain Hero, I would say you're clean. Why?
Hero: Cause she lives next door to my parents now, and if my kid is half the stud I was at his age, I'm kind of worried about what might happen when it's time to go visit Grandma and Grandpa. (Wooldoor looks at Hero strangely. At that moment, Foxxy walks in, followed by Clara.)
Wooldoor: Oh, good, you're here, Foxxy. Now we can start.
Foxxy: Wooldoor, is it okay with you if Clara goes first? I kind of think her situation is a little more precarious than ours.
Wooldoor: (very frustrated, throwing all his papers in the air) Does nobody care about schedules anymore? (Several of the papers fall down and hit him in the head, then fall to the floor.) Fine. Clara, come on back. (Wooldoor takes Clara by the hand and leads her back into his office.)
Clara: You're not going to try to feel my boob, are you?
Wooldoor: Not this time.
Wooldoor closes the door to his office. Foxxy sits down next to Hero.
Hero: (diverting his attention from the magazine to look at Foxxy) Foxxy, what do you think of the name Goofus for our kid? (Foxxy looks at Hero strangely.)
Foxxy: You're joking, right? That's a terrible name!
Hero: (holding the name out to Foxxy) Don't tell me, tell these idiot parents who named their kid that!
Foxxy: Although that does bring to mind a good question. Any idea what you want to name our child?
Hero: I honestly don't know, Foxxy. Samantha?
Foxxy: How about Jennifer?
Hero: That might work. Or what about Heather?
Foxxy: You mean Quametta?
Hero: What?
Foxxy: Never mind.
The scene changes to Wooldoor and Clara in the doctor's office. Clara is sitting on the padded chair. Wooldoor, with his back to Clara, is fiddling with some medical equipment.
Wooldoor: So what's the problem, Clara?
Clara: Well, Wooldoor, I have two problems. I'm sick to my stomach and I don't have a baby.
Wooldoor: You're sick to your stomach and you don't have a baby. (Wooldoor turns to Clara.) Hmm... you might be feeling sick because you're hungry. So maybe you should eat something. But you also want a baby inside your belly. So maybe you should eat a baby!
Clara: Wooldoor, do you ever realize what you say while you're saying it?
Wooldoor: Very seldom.
Clara: Well, Wooldoor, what I meant was, when I woke up this morning, I felt violently ill. I had to run to the bathroom and throw up practically right away. I think I have a stomach virus.
Wooldoor: So where does the baby come into it? You wish you had a baby so it could clean up your vomit? Usually it's the parents who have to clean up the baby's vomit. Although you ARE from one of those wacky royal families where everything works completely backwards from how normal people do it!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. I meant that when I had to vomit, the first thought that crossed my mind was that maybe I might be pregnant. I mean, you know that Ling-Ling and I have been trying to have one. But then when it turned out I wasn't... I guess I couldn't help but be disappointed.
Wooldoor: And since you've been trying for several months now, you're starting to wonder if something might be wrong.
Clara: Yes, exactly.
Wooldoor: Well, Clara, I can give you something for your stomach virus. As for your other problem, well... I can try, but unfortunately, I'm not a fertility expert.
Clara: I know. Whatever you can do to help.
Wooldoor: I wouldn't worry too much at this stage, Clara. For some couples, it just takes a while. A lot of it is just random chance.
Clara: I know. I just had this scary thought for a moment that I might be-
Wooldoor: I understand. I'll tell you what, Clara. I'll run some tests and make sure everything's okay down there.
Clara: Okay.
Wooldoor: But before I do anything... Clara, let me ask you something. Something really important.
Clara: What is it, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Now I'm not saying this because I have reason to believe it's the case. I just have to cover all the possibilities.
Clara: Right, I understand.
Wooldoor: Now if I give you a fertility test, and it turns out that there *is* a problem down there... will you be able to handle it?
Clara: I have to know. Maybe I'll be able to deal with it, maybe I won't. But one way or the other, I have to know.
Wooldoor: Okay, then. I'll get one ready. (As Wooldoor turns back around and begins working with his instruments again, Clara sits on the chair looking very somber, just staring into space.) While we're on the subject... do you want me to test Ling-Ling too? If you want, I can give him a test when he comes in later for his rabies shot.
Clara: I don't know, Wooldoor. (She pauses. Wooldoor turns back to face Clara.) You know what? No. I don't want Ling-Ling to worry. I'm sure if there's a problem, it's on my end.
Wooldoor: Okay, Clara. If you say so. (Wooldoor turns back around. Clara continues to look somber. Wooldoor turns to face Clara once more.) Oh, by the way, Clara. This stomach thing you have. Can you vomit on command? Cause I thought it would be really funny to show you naked pictures of various people I know and have you immediately upchuck at the sight. You know, like you were so disgusted at their ugly naked bodies that you just had to vomit? (Clara immediately clutches her stomach and begins to heave.) Wait, Clara! Not yet! Let me get that naked picture of Spanky first!
Toot (in confessional): I'm glad they didn't write this episode three years ago, or I probably would have been the punch line to that joke. But I digress. We cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office some time later.
Cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office. Foxxy is now sitting in the doctor's chair in a hospital gown while Hero stands beside her. Wooldoor is preparing an apparatus.
Wooldoor: All right, Foxxy. Time to get into the stirrups. While you're doing that, I'll go get the sonogram thingie.
From a side view, we see Foxxy lift her legs way up into the air and put her feet in the stirrups. While Wooldoor walks across the room to get another piece of equipment, Hero grins and walks in the direction of Foxxy's private area.
Wooldoor: And Hero, don't have sex with Foxxy while I'm getting the sonogram ready.
Hero: Awwww!
While Wooldoor continues to get his equipment set up, Hero walks back up to Foxxy's shoulders.
Hero: You nervous?
Foxxy: Not really? This is a pretty simple procedure.
Hero: No, I mean about having your naked snatch out there in front of everybody.
Foxxy: It's just Wooldoor. And he IS a doctor.
Wooldoor: And besides, I'm really more of a breast guy. (Wooldoor begins administering the sonogram.) All right, guys. In a few moments, an image of your baby should appear on that screen right there. (Foxxy and Hero nod to each other. Foxxy looks at Hero.)
Foxxy: I had a thought. What about calling it Timmy?
Hero: I don't think so, Foxxy. I kind of wanted this one to make it past its third birthday.
Foxxy: Ray-Ray 2?
Hero: Foxxy, why are you thinking up boys' names? Remember? We agreed we'd have a girl!
Foxxy: I know, Hero. I just don't want to spend a lot of time thinking up the perfect girl's name and then have the baby turn out to be a boy.
Hero: Well, we're just tossing out possibilities. I mean, it's not like the perfect name is going to come out of one of our mouths in the next few seconds!
Foxxy: Emily.
Hero: (his face lighting up) Oh, that's perfect! Oh, that's a beautiful name, Foxxy!
Foxxy: You're right, Hero! That would be the perfect name for our daughter! (Suddenly, a realization hits her.) Goddammit! Now just watch. I bet you anything that now that we have the perfect girl's name, that baby is going to be a boy!
Hero: It could always be our son's name.
Foxxy: Call our SON Emily? Do you want him to grow up to be gay and/or French?
Toot (in confessional): We interrupt this scene to offer our most sincere apologies to all French viewers everywhere. Our playful jabs at French people are not meant to offend, but offer a satirical view on contemporary stereotypes in contemporary society.
Marty: (offscreen) Hey, Toot, I don't think Drawn Together even airs in France.
Toot (in confessional): Then in that case, screw you, you smelly baguette-loving bastards! Viva America!
Cut back to the doctor's office.
Foxxy: Sorry, Hero, but I am not naming my son Emily.
Hero: Well, you might as well! Cause we're already going to whack away part of his manhood, we might as well castrate him on the name front too, while we're at it!
Foxxy: Whack away part of his manhood? I thought we decided we wasn't going to do that!
Hero: I thought we decided- wait. What DID we decide?
Foxxy: I think we decided to avoid the subject just in case the kid turned out to be a girl.
Hero: Right. (Hero takes Foxxy's hand. The two of them pause silently for a moment, then sigh. Hero looks at Foxxy, but says nothing. Foxxy looks straight ahead.)
Foxxy: You know, maybe it'll be okay.
Hero: You think?
Foxxy: It doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl, or what its name is, or whatever we decide to do with its junk. The important thing is that our baby grows up healthy and happy. And with you and me looking after it... (She looks at Hero.) I think the odds of that happening are pretty good. (Hero smiles.)
Hero: Me too, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (holding Hero's hand and looking directly into his eyes) I don't care if our baby is a boy or a girl.
Hero: (smiling) Me either, Foxxy.
Wooldoor: Well, guys. (Hero and Foxxy, still holding hands, turn to look at Wooldoor.) Looks like you're going to have a girl. (Foxxy's expression is somewhat muted, but Hero immediately throws his arms in the air in triumph.)
Hero: Woohoo! Oh, yeah! Booyah! (He turns to Foxxy and points at her.) You see, Foxxy? You see? I told you we'd have a girl! (Foxxy smiles.) Oh, this is perfect. We're going to call her Emily and we don't have to worry about whether or not to circumcise her! (His brow suddenly wrinkles.) Do we? I don't think Jews practice that ritual on girls, do they?
Foxxy: No, Hero. (Hero breathes a sigh of relief.)
Wooldoor: And it looks like she's going to take after her mother, too! (Hero and Foxxy look at Wooldoor with curiosity.)
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Wooldoor: Well, it's not very big just yet, but judging by the size of this bump in the chest area, it looks like your daughter is going to sport quite a nice rack!
Hero: Awesome! Wait. Should I be proud of that?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, is you serious? You can see boobs in the sonogram?
Wooldoor: Sure, Foxxy! (He points to the image on the screen.) Now if you'll see here, right below the head, there is a small bump just starting to form. Now if you look down a little bit at the- (He becomes alarmed) Wait a minute. (Wooldoor's eyes bug out. He turns to Hero and Foxxy.) Hero? Foxxy? Why does your baby have two heads?
Foxxy: Two heads? Whatchoo talkin' about, Wooldoor?
Hero: Oh, goddammit, Foxxy! Are you my sister or something? I thought I told you before we got engaged to tell me if we were related somehow! (Foxxy looks confused and weirded out. She turns back to Wooldoor.)
Foxxy: Wooldoor, there has to be a mistake of some sort.
Wooldoor: There's no mistake, Foxxy! (He turns to look at the sonogram image.) I see two very distinct appendages where the head- oh, wait, that's not the head. That's its legs. The baby is upside down. (He turns back to Hero and Foxxy.) Yeah, that's not a breast, that's a penis. Your baby is a boy. (Hero sighs in exasperation.)
Hero: Oh, dammit!
Foxxy: I still ain't calling it Emily. (Hero sighs again. The scene fades.)
Toot (in confessional): So sometime later, Hero and Foxxy gathered the others into the living room to watch the tape of the sonogram. Hilarity may or may not have ensued. I didn't really pay attention to that part.
Cut to the living room. Everyone is gathered around the TV. Hero holds a DVD in his hand.
Clara: So what is this and why are we watching it?
Foxxy: This is our sonogram, Clara. We's gonna show you all a picture of Hero and mine's baby in my womb.
Clara: Oh, God, this is how ill I am. I don't even feel up to correcting any of the 17 grammatical errors Foxxy made in that sentence.
Foxxy: But you was well enough to count them, I see.
Clara: Yeah, well, that part's just instinct.
Spanky: Why don't you go ahead and show us the sonogram, Captain Hero?
Hero: Sure, Spanky! (Hero pops the DVD into the player. He turns to the others.) Now some of you have probably never seen a sonogram before, so don't worry if you don't understand what you're looking at. I'll be right here to explain it to you.
Spanky grins. Everyone turns their attention to the TV screen. Immediately, everybody reacts. Foxxy and Wooldoor are shocked. Clara is disgusted. Spanky laughs. Hero is confused, but mildly intrigued.
Hero: Okay... this wasn't how it looked in the doctor's office, but I think I can figure it out. (He points to a part of the screen.) Now somewhere deep in this tunnel here is where the baby dwells.
Clara: Hero, I know what THAT is! (She points at the screen.) But God, you people! I didn't know you were going to take pictures of THAT end of things! Is this what a sonogram is? Seriously?
Wooldoor: Maybe it's a before and after shot. This is the before.
Clara: (covering her eyes) Oh God, now I feel like I know Foxxy in a special way!
Foxxy: Clara, that ain't MY coochie y'all's looking at. Somebody obviously switched the disc with something else.
Clara: But who would- (She immediately turns to Spanky, who is snickering.) Goddammit, Spanky. That's not funny.
Spanky: Oh, yes it is, Clara! That's hilarious!
Clara: What is that? Is that a childbirth video?
Spanky: No, it's one of my pornos.
Foxxy: Well, take it back and give Hero the DVD of our sonogram.
Spanky: Fine. (Spanky gets up and hands Hero the correct DVD. Hero ejects the porno disc from the player and hands it back to Spanky.)
Wooldoor: Hey, Clara! (Clara turns to Wooldoor.) When we saw that thing on TV, it would have been hilarious if you'd chosen that exact moment to throw up again!
Clara: Thank you for your desire to use my illness for comedy, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You could throw up when the actual sonogram comes on. It wouldn't be quite as funny as it would have been earlier, but it would still be pretty funny.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor. I'll be fine.
Spanky: Clara, if I paid you fifty bucks, would you vomit on a hooker and let me film it?
Clara: Dear God. Don't tell me you have a vomit fetish.
Spanky: Me? No way! I totally think that's disgusting. But I do think I could put some clips on the internet and make some money off of it.
Hero inserts the correct disc into the player and turns to the others.
Hero: Okay, then. Now for our actual sonogram. Is everyone ready?
Foxxy: I think so. Spanky? Clara? Ling-Ling? Wooldoor? (Everyone nods.) Xandir? (There is no response.) Xandir? (Everyone looks around. Xandir is not present.) Well, where did Xandir go?
Wooldoor: I think he's over here, Foxxy.
The group looks in Wooldoor's direction. Wooldoor steps aside to reveal Xandir sitting on the floor with his arms around his legs. His eyes are completely glazed over. He rocks back and forth in a sort of trance.
Xandir: Can't sleep, box will eat me! Can't sleep, box will eat me! Can't sleep, box will eat me! (Foxxy gets up and walks over to Xandir. The others get up and follow her.)
Foxxy: Xandir, is you all traumatized from having to look at that girl's sink?
Xandir: Make it go away, Mommy! Make it go away!
Spanky: Okay, Xandir. You don't like box. We get it.
Xandir: (singing quietly to himself) Hush, little Xandir, don't you cry... Mommy's going to buy you a... something that rhymes with cry...
Foxxy: Xandir, I thought you was supposed to be a brave warrior! This sure as hell ain't brave! (Xandir stops whimpering and turns to Foxxy.) Now quit your crying and watch the sonogram with us before I have to kick all y'all's asses!
Xandir: (submissively) Yes, ma'am. (Xandir straightens himself up and sits back down on the couch. The others do likewise.)
Foxxy: Now then, Hero. You may begin.
Hero pushes play on the DVD remote. The sonogram begins. We hear the sound of the heartbeat.
Everyone's faces light up with curiosity.
Spanky, Hero, and Ling-Ling: Oooh!
Xandir: Oh, wow!
Foxxy: That IS beautiful!
Spanky: It's just like watching scrambled porn!
Suddenly, we hear a violent retching sound. Foxxy motions to Hero to stop the DVD. She turns to Clara.
Foxxy: Goddammit, Clara!
Clara: It wasn't me! I promise!
Foxxy: Yeah, right. Who else would-
The retching continues. Both women turn around to see a huge puddle of vomit around Wooldoor's feet. He is extremely woozy.
Foxxy: What the hell? Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I guess that's irony, huh? (He turns to Foxxy.) I couldn't help it, Foxxy! That sonogram is just so disgusting and creepy! And scary! It frightened me so much, I just had to vomit out of fear!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, you was the one who took the sonogram in the first place!
Wooldoor: I know. (Foxxy and Clara both roll their eyes and turn back around to resume watching the sonogram. A look of curiosity starts to form on Clara's face.)
Clara: So, guys. What exactly are we looking at, here?
Foxxy: Well, Clara, that is an image of the baby that is growing in my womb!
Clara: Yes, I know that, Foxxy. But what I mean is... what exactly are we supposed to be learning from this?
Foxxy: Well, we ain't gonna be getting any insight into what the baby's gonna look like when he's older or anything, but it's just kind of cool to see. At least this way, we know he's healthy.
Clara: You say he. You're sure this is a boy?
Foxxy: That's what Wooldoor says!
Clara: How do you know?
Hero: Now that's a silly question, Clara! Just look at it! (Hero points to the sonogram image.) You see there?
Clara: See what?
Hero: (still pointing) That right there! The baby's penis!
Clara: Hero, I'm pretty sure that's its foot.
Hero: No, Clara, that's definitely the baby's penis. (looking at the sonogram, now becoming very impressed) Wow! My kid is going to be hung like a horse!
Clara: Um, Hero? (Hero turns to Clara.) You realize that your baby's penis has toes on it?
Hero: Don't be silly, Clara! Those are its balls!
Clara: It has five of them!
Hero: Well, my kid is really manly! (He looks at the sonogram again.) Damn! You know, I was actually upset about having a boy at first. But looking at this huge schlong on him... just... damn!
Spanky: Hey, Clara, if you want to get pregnant, you should have sex with one of those things! (He points to the sonogram. Clara wrinkles her brow.)
Foxxy: Hero, I think Clara's right. That's his foot, not his penis. (Wooldoor gets up and goes to look at the sonogram up close.)
Hero: (pointing to the penis/foot) That thing right there makes me the happiest, proudest dad in the world!
Wooldoor: Hero, the girls are right. That's the baby's foot.
Hero: Oh. Really? (Wooldoor nods.) Well, I'm still proud. At least now I know that our baby won't be a deformed footless freak!
Xandir: Wait. So if that huge thing right there isn't the baby's penis... then where IS the baby's penis?
Hero: Don't be silly, Xandir. If that's not the baby's penis, then obviously, it doesn't have one! Our baby must be a girl after all!
Wooldoor: (still looking at the sonogram) Nope. (He turns to face the others.) Nope, that's definitely a boy. (The others look at Wooldoor curiously.) Yeah, I got over my fear of this thing.
Hero: (pointing at the foot) So if that isn't the penis, then where IS the penis?
Wooldoor: (pointing at another part of the sonogram) Right there!
Hero: (looking at the sonogram) I don't see anything!
Wooldoor: You see that tiny little bump right there? THAT'S the baby's penis! (Hero recoils in shock.)
Hero: No! No, it can't be!
Foxxy: What?
Hero: That's our baby's penis? That miserable tiny thing? (Wooldoor nods.) It can't be! Unless our baby's Asian! (Ling-Ling glares at Hero.)
Wooldoor: Hero, you've got to cut it some slack! It's just a fetus! It's going to get bigger!
Clara: That baby looks awfully flexible. It can't orally pleasure itself in the womb, can it?
Spanky: If it's Foxxy's kid, it might!
Xandir: If it upsets you, Hero, you could always just cut the penis off and raise the child as a girl! (mimicking Spanky's voice) You mean like your parents did with you, Xandir? (resuming his normal voice) No, Spanky, I don't mean that at all! (Xandir sees that the others are now staring at him.) Well, I know it's what you were all thinking! (Foxxy gets up and walks over to Hero.)
Foxxy: Look, Hero. The important thing is that our baby is healthy. Beyond that, I don't care whether it has a big penis or a small one, just as long as it's happy!
Hero: But... if our baby has a small penis, then... how will it ever get laid?
Clara: (imitating Spanky) Well, it could always hook up with Clara! She likes the small ones! (Spanky turns to Clara angrily.)
Spanky: Dude... what the hell? You taking all my jokes away from me now?
Foxxy: Hero, our son will be fine. Big penis or small, he'll find somebody really special who makes him happy. And you know why? Cause we're going to raise him to be the best little man in the world.
Hero: I guess you're right, Foxxy. I guess it doesn't matter what our son looks like. Short, tall, thin, fat, big penis, small one... the important thing is that we'll give him so much love, he can't help but turn out to be a great person.
Foxxy: That's right.
Hero: And besides, even if he DOES turn out to be ugly as sin, well... Spanky still found a wife!
Spanky: Oh, come ON! What did I ever do to you people? (They all look at him flatly.) Besides all the stuff I did.
The group collectively rolls their eyes. Spanky waves his hand dismissively at the group. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on the confessional. We see the mime sitting in the confessional chair with a dog collar around his neck and his hair completely mussed. He has a frightened look on his face. He looks from side to side nervously, then turns and faces the camera. He then puts his hands in front of himself and starts doing the "trapped in a box" routine". A shrill voice from the side cuts him off.
Toot: (offscreen) Shut the hell up, mime!
The mime hangs his head in shame and mimes fake tears. The scene changes back to Wooldoor's waiting room where we see Clara sitting alone. Though she is clearly apprehensive, she sits trying to distract herself by flipping through a magazine.
Clara: (looking at magazine) Goofus? What is that, a Jewish name or something? (At that moment, Clara hears a sound off to the side. She turns her head in the direction of the door to the hallway outside. Ling-Ling enters. He sees Clara and becomes shocked.)
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: What Carla doing here?
Clara: Um... (She thinks to herself.) Okay, come on, Clara. Just make up some excuse. Just anything that will convince him you're not getting a fertility test. (She resumes speaking again.) Um... not getting a fertility test! How about you?
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. Ling-Ling here to not get fertility test either! (They smile at each other. Wooldoor emerges from his doctor's office.)
Wooldoor: Clara? Ling-Ling? I've got the results of your fertility tests. (Clara and Ling-Ling turn to each other in shock.)
Clara and Ling-Ling: (in unison) You lied to me! (They both draw back in surprise.) Me? What did I do? (They point to each other.) You're the one who said- (Wooldoor steps in.)
Wooldoor: Yeah, very cute, you two. So do you want to hear your test results or not?
Ling-Ling: (nodding) Sure. Sockbat go ahead.
Wooldoor: All right. Ling-Ling, your test came back fine. Your sperm count is good... you should be more than capable of fathering a child.
Ling-Ling: (relaxing somewhat) Whew. Ling-Ling feel better now.
Wooldoor: Good, good. You know, for a tiny little man, you sure produce an awful lot of sperm! If you wore underwear, I bet they'd be dirtier than Spanky's!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not sure what that supposed to mean, but okay. (Wooldoor turns to Clara.)
Wooldoor: Clara? You ready? (Clara, however, is looking down silently. She does not respond to Wooldoor's questions.) Clara?
Clara: I... I don't know.
Wooldoor: Clara, what's wrong?
Clara: Wooldoor, I... I know I told you before that I could handle the truth, but now I don't know. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it after all.
Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara turns to look at Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling motions to Clara to pick him up. She does so.) Carla, it be okay. Ling-Ling promise.
Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling promise Carla that no matter what Sockbat say... he be there for her. No matter what happen, he and Carla go through it together.
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. And thank you. (Clara turns to Wooldoor.) I still don't think I'm ready for this, Wooldoor. I'm sorry.
Wooldoor: So... you don't want to hear the results?
Clara: Maybe another day, Wooldoor. When I'm stronger.
Wooldoor: Great. So I took a sample of your girly juice for nothing. You made me mess around in that icky, icky vagina of yours- (Clara is mildly shocked.) Nothing personal, Clara. They're pretty much all like that. (Clara nods.) I worked through my entire lunch hour because I thought you were super anxious to get these results, and now I find out you don't even want to hear them? That is... such bulltoot!
Clara: What?
Cut to Toot and Marty in their hotel room. Toot is standing at the minibar.
Toot: Hey, what do you say we get some peanuts?
Marty: Toot, are you crazy? Do you know how expensive that stuff is?
Toot: That's okay. I just made twenty bucks cause Wooldoor said my catchphrase on TV!
Marty nods. The scene changes back to Wooldoor's office.
Wooldoor: You suck, Clara! You and your stinky vagina both suck major donkey balls! (Clara is shocked once again.)
Clara: Wooldoor Sockbat, how dare you speak to me that way! If it wasn't for the fact that a good gynecologist is so hard to find, I would so complain to the AMA and have your license revoked!
Wooldoor: Shows how much you know! I'm not even certified by the AMA! (At this moment, Ling-Ling begins to smirk.) What? What's so funny, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara looks at Ling-Ling.) If Carla want to get back at Sockbat, Ling-Ling know how she can do it.
Clara: (excited) Ooh! How's that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Well... the two of us go upstairs and have sex.
Clara: Right, and?
Ling-Ling: And the two of us just keep having sex and having sex until Carla finally get pregnant! And once Carla do get pregnant, we come downstairs and steal results of Carla fertility tests and show entire world how Sockbat totally wrong about Carla not being able to get pregnant!
Wooldoor: Ha! In that case, Ling-Ling, your plan is going to backfire BIG TIME, because those test results show that Clara CAN get pregnant! (Clara looks up, stunned.) Who'll be laughing then, little man?
Ling-Ling: Still us.
Wooldoor: (somberly) I know. (Clara cautiously walks over to Wooldoor.)
Clara: Wooldoor? Is this true?
Wooldoor: Huh? (He turns to Clara.) Oh, right. Yeah, Clara, turns out you're fine. You should be more than capable of conceiving a child. (Tears of joy begin to well up in Clara's eyes. She takes Ling-Ling by the hand.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling! This really is going to happen for us! Oh, I feel so much better now!
Ling-Ling: Me too, Carla!
Wooldoor: (snidely) Oh, so you're okay with knowing now that you know the news is GOOD! (He begins imitating Clara.) No, Wooldoor! Don't tell me! I don't think I can take it! What? The news is good? Oh, yay, I guess I can take it after all! (By this point, Clara and Ling-Ling are gazing longingly into each other's eyes. Wooldoor turns away in disgust and begins walking away.) You guys make me sick. I'm going to go get drunk and play golf or something. Xandir can do his own damn pap smear.
While Clara and Ling-Ling begin to kiss, Wooldoor storms out angrily. The scene fades. The camera fades back up on Foxxy and Hero in bed together. Hero has his arm around Foxxy.
Hero: So.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: I guess we're going to have us a little boy.
Foxxy: Looks like we are.
Hero: You know, Foxxy, I said I wanted a girl, but... I honestly don't think I care either way.
Foxxy: Me too. Boy or girl, the important thing is, it'll be our child. And it'll be wonderful.
Hero: Yeah. It will.
Foxxy: And look at it this way. You'll have somebody to do father-son stuff with. Like play baseball, work on cars... look at porn together.
Hero: Is that really a father-son thing?
Foxxy: Just ask Spanky. I'm sure he knows.
Spanky: (on the other side of the wall) Oh, for Christ's sake, people! Get off my ass already!
Hero: Just think of all the things I'll be able to teach him.
Foxxy: Like the birds and the bees?
Hero: Maybe. (He looks at Foxxy.) Or maybe you should handle that one. (She looks at him questioningly.) Your approach to that kind of thing is a lot more... mature... than mine.
Foxxy: Yeah, I don't think little boys want to hear about sex from their mommas.
Hero: Good point. (Foxxy smiles. Hero looks at her.) So what about you? You like this development?
Foxxy: (thinks for a moment) Yes, Hero. Yes, I do. I mean, I was like you. I know we talked about wanting a girl, but now that we've come to find out it'll be a boy... well, there's a lot of things that make me feel excited about that also. (Hero nods.) They say a boy's biggest love is his mother. Well, I sure know that'll be true of my boy.
Hero: Foxxy, that's messed up.
Foxxy: I didn't mean that in an incestuous way, Hero.
Hero: Oh, right. (Foxxy and Hero hug for a moment before Hero speaks again.) So what about the next one?
Foxxy: Next one?
Hero: Our next kid. What if it ends up being a girl instead of a boy? We'll have to start all over learning to love a whole new gender!
Foxxy: Somehow I think we'll be able to manage that.
Hero: You're right. (Foxxy nods.) So.
Foxxy: Yes?
Hero: Should we come back to the question?
Foxxy: Oh, right.
Hero: Now that we know it'll be a boy, we'll have to actually make a decision about the bris thing.
Foxxy: That's true.
Hero: So do you know what you want to do?
Foxxy: Really, Hero... I could go either way. (She looks at Hero.) Hero, you're the father. I trust your judgment. Whatever you want to do will be fine with me. (Hero nods, then winces.) What?
Hero: Dammit, Foxxy!
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I was going to tell YOU to decide! (Hero sighs. Foxxy nods.)
Foxxy: Maybe we need to think on this some more.
Hero: Maybe you're right.
Foxxy nods. The two sit silently for a moment, Foxxy still cuddling in Hero's arms. After a moment, Foxxy speaks.
Foxxy: There is still one other issue on the table that we could discuss. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly.) Since we know it's going to be a boy after all, we need a new name for him.
Hero: Not Emily?
Foxxy: Hero, do you WANT our kid to be beaten?
Hero: Point taken.
Foxxy: Well, it's okay. We don't have to decide on that tonight, either.
Hero: Yeah, that's true. I mean, we should take some time to think about it.
Foxxy: Exactly.
Hero: We can each come up with some names we like and then sit down and discuss them with each other and make an informed decision.
Foxxy: Exactly!
Hero: I mean, it's not like the perfect name is going to come out of one of our mouths in the next few seconds!
Foxxy: Richard.
Hero: Son of a bitch, Foxxy, how do you keep doing that?
Foxxy: I don't know. I guess it's a gift I have!
Hero: So what made you think of Richard all of a sudden?
Foxxy: Well, the two of us was talking about kids and being parents, and that got me to thinking about how lucky I was when I finally found MY real father after all these years. And it just occurred to me that naming our first child after him would be a great way to honor him.
Hero: Wait. I thought your father's name was Ricky.
Foxxy: Hero... seriously? We're going to do this again?
Hero: Wait. You mean... Ricky is short for Richard? (The realization suddenly hits him.) Wow, that is so cool! I never realized that!
Foxxy: You don't say.
The two pause for a moment. Foxxy sighs. Hero begins cuddling Foxxy again.
Hero: You want to know what else I'm really happy about? The fact that we decided to move up our wedding. (Foxxy nods.) Seriously, Foxxy... with all that's been going on, I'm more excited about marrying you than ever.
Foxxy: Me too.
Hero: I guess it's time to get cracking on planning that thing. Especially if we're going to do it in what, two, three months?
Foxxy: Around then. (They pause.) I definitely want to be husband and wife by the time the baby comes out.
Hero: Yeah. That way, nobody will be able to go around calling OUR kid a little bastard!
Spanky: (on the other side of the wall) Oh, goddammit, you two!
The scene fades. The scene fades back up on Toot in the confessional wearing only a very thin negligee. She is leaning backward in the chair with a huge look of satisfaction on her face. In her left hand is a lit cigarette from which smoke is trailing.
Toot (in confessional): Oh, I don't actually smoke anymore. I'm just holding this thing to signify the incredibly hot sex I just got finished having. (She yawns and stretches.) That's right. Marty and I did lots of fun stuff around Paris and had lots of hot, hot sex. And it was goooooooood. (She straightens up in the chair.) I think I'm satisfied for the moment. Marty and I have had enough sex for the night, I think. I think Marty's going to try to get some sleep now. In the meantime, I'll just sit in here and chat with you guys! How's that sound?
Marty: (offscreen) Toot... you'd better get in here. The mime is miming buttraping me! (Toot sighs in frustration.)
Toot (in confessional): Wait here. I'll be back. (She gets up, and then pauses.) Or maybe I won't. I don't know. I'll tell you what. I'll go take care of Marty for a while. If you guys are still around when I get finished, I'll talk to you then. Okay? Toodles!
Toot quickly hurries out of the confessional back into the hotel room. While the camera lingers on the confessional chair, we hear Toot's voice in the next room.
Toot: (offscreen) Hey, you! Get off that fake invisible Marty!
The scene fades.
THE END
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Result 8 of 10:
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 50: The Show Must Go On
« Result #8 on May 6, 2009, 12:57pm » | |
Part 2
Toot (in confessional): Hi there. Me again. Getting sick of me yet? Yeah, well, screw you. So anyway, next came the rehearsal. It was a bit... let's just say... chaotic.
The scene changes to the courtyard where the wedding is to be held. The housemates are all back in their regular clothes. Wooldoor stands on the platform holding a Bible while the others are at the back of the courtyard prepared to go. Hero and Spanky are playing rock-paper-scissors while the women stand talking.
Toot: Thanks again for getting rid of my mom, Clara.
Clara: No problem. I figured it was a favor I could do for you as your maid of honor.
Hero: (to Spanky) I guess you're right, Spanky. Clara IS Toot's maid of honor. (Spanky looks at Hero strangely.) Okay, so this rehearsal thing. Does stuff that happens here count in our drinking game? (Spanky pulls a bottle out of his pocket and takes a swig.) Spanky, what the hell was that?
Spanky: Look! (He hands Hero a piece of paper containing the rules for their drinking game.)
Hero: (reading) "If Hero asks any inane questions about the drinking game itself, take a drink." Hey, that's not fair! My question was not inane!
Spanky: Hero, do you even know what that word means?
Hero: No, but based on the context, I'm sure it isn't complimentary!
Spanky: Fair enough.
Toot: (walking over to Spanky) Spanky, what the hell are you doing? Did you bring alcohol to my wedding?
Spanky: In the first place, that's ironic coming from you. And in the second place, it's not the wedding. It's just the rehearsal.
Toot: Fine. Just make sure you don't bring that stuff with you to the actual wedding or I might have to confiscate it.
Spanky: Yeah, I bet you'd confiscate it!
Clara: Spanky, that's enough. Quit bothering Toot, okay? Let's just try to make this a peaceful occasion, okay?
Marty: And besides, Spanky, you're not exactly helping your case to be my best man.
Hero: (cheering) Boo-yah!
Spanky: Marty, I'm sorry. (He holds out his bottle to Marty.) Would you like to have my bottle of booze?
Marty: I can't be bought, Spanky.
Spanky: Yeah, I bet you'd take it if it was Irish whiskey, you leprechaun.
Hero: That's a short joke! (Hero grabs the bottle away from Spanky and takes a big drink.) Mmmm, that's the stuff!
Toot: Okay, how surreal is this? There's a bottle of booze being passed around at my wedding rehearsal and I'm not even the one responsible for it!
Clara: Look, guys, let's just do this, okay? We can argue about this stuff later.
Toot: Fine. (Toot notices that Foxxy is running the palm of her hand down her stomach, with a look of concern on her face.) Um, Foxxy? Are you okay?
Foxxy: I'm fine, Toot. I'm just... fixing myself. That's all.
Toot: Foxxy... don't tell me you're trying to smooth out your baby bump.
Foxxy: I am not trying to- okay, I am.
Toot: Foxxy, I had Betsy let the dress out for you. Trust me, you're not showing!
Foxxy: I guess you're right. I'm just a little self-conscious, that's all.
Hero: Foxxy, how can you be so worried about what your stomach looks like? Everyone knows that your greatest asset is that sweet, sweet ass! Hey, wait a second. Asset? Ass? I think I just made a pun! (Foxxy looks at Hero strangely.) Never mind. Anyway, my point is, so what if you're showing? You're still the most amazingly beautiful woman in the whole place!
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Toot: Hey!
Hero: I mean, you're beautiful too, Toot.
Toot: Thank you.
Hero: But you're beautiful in that "all brides are beautiful" kind of way. Now Foxxy is hot whether she's getting married or not!
Toot stares at Hero, too stunned to be offended. Spanky puts his hands behind his head and tilts his head back in satisfaction.
Spanky: Looks like I just jumped back into the lead!
Clara: Suddenly I'm not so regretful that I rushed MY wedding.
Marty: Look. Foxxy, pregnant or not, you look fantastic. And Toot, I may be biased, but you are amazingly beautiful, bride or not. (Toot smiles.) And Spanky, Hero, you two stop arguing. I'll pick a best man later, so just quit this petty bickering so we can get on with rehearsing this wedding!
Spanky: Fine.
Hero: Fine.
Marty: Okay, is everyone ready?
Clara: Um... I don't think so.
Marty: Why not? Is one of your 50,000 hairs out of place, Clara?
Clara: No... I'M fine. It's just that two of your ushers seem to be missing.
Marty: Two of my- (Marty notices that Xandir and Ling-Ling are not present.) Oh, goddammit, where are those two idiots?
Cut to Xandir and Ling-Ling behind the bandstand. Xandir sits draped over a chair while Ling-Ling is puffing what appears to be a cannabis cigarette.
Xandir: So how long do you think it'll be before they notice we're gone?
Ling-Ling: Eh. Who knows?
Xandir: I mean, neither of us are involved in the plot in any way, why do we need to bother sticking around?
Ling-Ling: That what Ling-Ling say!
Toot: (her voice ringing out very loudly from across the courtyard) Hey! Xandir! Ling-Ling! You two douchebags get your asses over here so we can rehearse this stupid wedding!
Xandir sighs and gets up. Ling-Ling puts out his cigarette. Reluctantly, the pair leaves the bandstand and returns to the wedding party.
Foxxy: Oh, there they are.
Xandir: Hi, guys.
Toot: Blah, blah, blah, come on, let's go!
Ling-Ling hops up into Clara's arms.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling ready, Carla.
Toot: Hey, wait a second, what's this? (Angrily, she walks over to Clara and Ling-Ling.) You're not allowed to carry him down the aisle! He's part of the wedding procession!
Ling-Ling: But... Ling-Ling get self-conscious walking down aisle in front of all those people! (He turns to Clara.) Someone tell Ling-Ling once he waddle like duck.
Clara: Now where could they have ever gotten that idea?
Toot: You could always just not be an usher.
Ling-Ling: But Ling-Ling tell whole family he usher at wedding of land whale! Ling-Ling father so proud! He not sure why that make father proud when all Ling-Ling science awards not, but who can question father honorable ways?
Toot: Then you're going to have to walk.
Ling-Ling: Fine. (Ling-Ling hops out of Clara's arms onto the ground. He immediately grabs his foot and begins hopping around.) Ow! Ow! Ling-Ling hurt foot! Hurt it bad!
Toot: Oh, goddammit! (Clara reaches down and picks up Ling-Ling, who is nearly in tears.) You know what? I'm not going to let this get to me. The way I see it is, let's go ahead and get all the problems, all the issues out of the way right now. That way, hopefully, everything will go perfectly smoothly for the wedding itself.
Clara: Toot, we're sorry.
Spanky: Yeah, Toot. Me too.
Foxxy: Look, y'all, it's okay. I think we's all just a little bit nervous about the wedding cause it's such a big event. But if we pull together and dedicate ourselves to making this thing go smoothly, then I think that everything will work out just fine!
Toot: Thanks, Foxxy.
Hero: We're a team, you guys! Now let's work together like one!
Xandir: Yeah!
Toot: All right! Now this group has their heads back in the game! Oh, my God, I'm starting to get so excited! For the first time, I feel like this thing just might work out after all!
At that moment, a voice can be heard in the distance.
Mrs. Braunstein: (voice) Oy, vey, what the hell is going on here?
Toot: Oh, crap! (Toot turns to her mom entering the scene.) Mom, what the hell are you doing here?
Mrs. Braunstein: What do you mean, what am I doing here? Were you just going to get married without me? Cause that's what it looks like you're doing! And why aren't you wearing your wedding dress? Have you become one of those hippie types?
Toot: Mom, this isn't the actual wedding. It's just the rehearsal.
Mrs. Braunstein: Rehearsal? Why do you need a rehearsal? You don't think you can get it right the first time? Do you need a few practice marriages first to get warmed up?
Toot: Mom, it's just part of the process, okay? (Mrs. Braunstein begins to look around.)
Mrs. Braunstein: And what the hell is that thing up there on the stand? (She rushes over to the platform and starts to make shooing noises at Wooldoor.) You! Shoo! Shoo! Get off the stage! This is where my daughter's supposed to get married! You're standing where the rabbi's supposed to stand!
Wooldoor: Rabbi? But-
Toot: (quickly making her way to the platform) Mom, it's okay. Wooldoor is going to be marrying us.
Mrs. Braunstein: (pointing to Wooldoor) That thing?
Wooldoor: Hey, I'm not a thing! Well... I am in the sense that I'm a physical entity so from a purely metaphysical standpoint, I guess you can call me a "thing". But it's still insulting!
Mrs. Braunstein: Shouldn't you be hanging around with an octopus or something?
Wooldoor: No, you have me confused with somebody else.
Mrs. Braunstein: I don't care! You are not marrying my daughter!
Toot: Yes, he is, Mom!
Mrs. Braunstein: No, he isn't! I'm calling my rabbi right now to come here and perform the ceremony. (She gets out a cell phone and begins dialing.) Hello? Rabbi Goldberg? (Clara becomes alarmed. In a flash, she is standing in front of Mrs. Braunstein. She grabs the cell phone away from her.)
Clara: Oh, no, you don't! If HE'S coming here, I'm leaving!
Mrs. Braunstein: What the hell?
Wooldoor: Mrs. Braunstein, look. I know I may not look like much, but I *am* properly licensed to do this. And I'm one of Toot's closest and dearest friends, so it would mean a lot to me to be able to perform the ceremony!
Toot: Please, Mom. This is not worth making a big deal over.
Mrs. Braunstein: Fine, fine, whatever. Oy, vey, this girl will be the death of me yet.
Mrs. Braunstein walks away. Toot is calm, but very visibly irritated.
Wooldoor: All right, then. Shall we start?
Toot: Sure, fine.
Wooldoor: Okay, everyone, just go back to the entrance of the courtyard and we'll start the procession.
Toot: On second thought, let's just skip it.
Wooldoor: What?
Toot: I'm tired and we're already running way late. (She turns to the others.) You guys know what order to come in, right?
Clara: Well, yes, but-
Toot: Then we don't need to practice that part! You guys just go ahead and get in place and we'll get on with the ceremony.
Marty: Right, the ceremony.
Spanky: You mean the part where you and Marty read stuff off cards and then just do what Wooldoor tells you to do? Which, if I'm not mistaken, he reads out of a book?
Toot: Good point. Well, I guess we don't need to rehearse that part either. I'll see you assbags later, then! (She turns and starts to walk away.) Toodles!
Toot exits the scene. The others stand looking at each other for a moment.
Xandir: What's with her?
Foxxy: Y'all, I think the pressure of this whole wedding thing may be starting to get to Toot. And her mom ain't exactly helping matters any.
Clara: I'm starting to get worried, guys. Do you think Toot's going to be okay?
Spanky: (to Hero, holding the sheet) Do we have something for if Toot just snaps and goes completely mental?
Hero: (looks at page) Doesn't look like it!
Spanky: How about we start that one off with a drink, and then we'll just keep drinking for as long as she keeps at it?
Hero: (noting it on the page) Done! (Marty looks at Spanky and Hero with annoyance.)
Clara: Maybe we should go talk to her.
Foxxy: (checking her watch) I don't think we'll have time. We's already running late for the rehearsal dinner as it is. Look, Clara, if you's worried about Toot, you can talk to her at dinner.
Clara: If she even shows.
Foxxy: I don't think that'll be a problem, Clara. If there's one thing that Toot can be guaranteed to show up for, it's dinner!
Cut to the rehearsal dinner. All the guests are gathered around enjoying their meal. However, the housemates keep glancing across the table to a noticeably empty seat. One by one, they all get up and leave the table.
Mrs. Braunstein: (offscreen) Oy, vey! You call this kishke? My cousin Morty could make better kishke than this!
Toot (in confessional): As you might have guessed, I didn't show at the rehearsal dinner. I didn't mean to worry my housemates. It was just that after everything that had happened, I just didn't feel like dealing with that whole scene at the moment. Mainly, I knew my mom would be there and I especially wasn't in the mood to deal with HER. I told Clara to tell my mom that the reason I wasn't at dinner was because I'd been a bad little Jew and I was depriving myself of the wedding festivities as some sort of penance. It was a complete crock, but she bought it. (Toot nods, then sits still for a moment.) Okay, so what next? Oh, right. The wedding itself. (She smirks.) Wanna guess what disaster befell my plans THIS time?
Cut to the courtyard the following day. Wooldoor, in his priest outfit, sits behind the stand reviewing Bible scriptures. Guests are filing into the courtyard and sitting down. Toot's parents can be seen sitting near the front. Toot's mom sits looking very impatient. Her father has fallen asleep.
Mrs. Braunstein: Oh dear God, I think it's going to rain. Do you believe that, Elmer? Leave it to Toot to get married on a day when it's going to rain! (She looks to her right.) Are you listening to me, Elmer? (No response. Elmer begins to snore.) Elmer!
Elmer: (waking up) Yes, dear. Very riveting story, dear.
Mrs. Braunstein: Can't you stay awake for your daughter's wedding, you old fool?
Elmer: Is she married yet?
Mrs. Braunstein: Not yet.
Elmer: Then what are you getting upset about? (Elmer's head droops as he goes back to sleep.) Mrs. Braunstein looks at him with annoyance.
Cut to Marty, Hero, and Xandir at the back of the courtyard. They are all in their tuxes. Marty is growing extremely impatient.
Marty: (anxiously checking his watch) Goddammit, where the hell is Spanky?
Hero: He's probably in his room sleeping one off. Or maybe he's busy masturbating.
Marty: He's masturbating? Five minutes before one of his best friends is supposed to get married and you think he's masturbating?
Hero: Well, it makes sense if you think about it. I mean, lots of women cry at weddings. And you know how turned on Spanky is by women crying!
Marty: Oh, dear God.
Spanky: (suddenly arriving on the scene) Goddammit, Hero, quit telling Marty a bunch of crap about me just so you can be the best man! (He turns to Marty.) As it turns out, I was *not* masturbating. My friendship with Toot means too much to me to just start going at it with myself right when it's time for her to get married! Now it's true that there are a lot of crying women out there right now. However, I, at least, have the capability of seeing an arousing image and then filing it in the spank bank for later! Unlike some people I know... (He smirks and looks at Hero, who takes mild offense.)
Marty: So where were you, Spanky?
Spanky: Picking this up. (Spanky walks off to the side and returns leading a penguin by the flipper. The penguin is wearing a bow tie.)
Marty: Huh? That's ridiculous! I thought Toot cancelled the penguin ushers!
Spanky: I guess the zoo forgot to cancel the order! So anyway... here's your penguin! (Spanky leads the penguin in front of Marty, who is completely dumbfounded.)
Marty: Hi, um... penguin. (The penguin squawks.) Lovely.
Spanky: Well, after taking it upon myself to ensure the safe arrival of this last minute wedding gift, I think it's pretty obvious who your best man should be, Marty!
Marty: Oh, for the love of God, are you two still arguing about that? Okay, look. Fine. Here's how I'll decide who my best man is. Whichever of you two can answer my question, that person will be my best man.
Hero: Sounds good.
Spanky: Fair enough.
Marty: All right. For the win... what's my last name? (Spanky eyes bug out. He begins to look confused and panicky.)
Hero: Fitzpatrick!
Marty: Correct! (He hands Hero the ring.)
Hero: Boo-yah! (Spanky clutches his forehead in disbelief while Hero celebrates. Hero quickly turns to Spanky.) Geez, dude, it was all over the wedding invitations! (He resumes celebrating.) Oh, this is fantastic! I've never been a best man before. Oh, my God, I think this is the greatest achievement of my life!
As Spanky continues to reel from his loss, Hero launches into an elaborate celebration dance. However, just as Hero is at his giddiest, and Spanky is about to boil over, we hear a voice calling in the distance.
Voice: Marty!
Marty turns around eagerly. A silver-haired man in Western gear walks up to Marty excitedly.
Man: Marty! I made it!
Marty: Oh, my God! You did! (They hug each other for a moment.) But... what about the Old West?
Man: Well... I figured... what the hell?
Marty: Well, I'm glad you're here! Honestly, this wedding wouldn't have been the same without you.
Man: Thanks, Marty.
Marty turns to Hero, who is still doing his celebration dance.
Marty: Hey, Hero?
Hero: (still dancing) Yeah?
Marty: My original best man showed up after all. So it looks like I'm going to need that ring back.
As Marty grabs the ring away from Hero, Hero stops dancing and assumes a hangdog expression. He looks to Spanky for sympathy. Spanky looks at Hero, and then pulls a small flask out of his pocket and takes a drink.
Hero: There was a rule for THAT?
Spanky: Hey, it's like I was telling you, when Spanky creates a drinking game, he covers ALL the bases!
Hero looks at Spanky with annoyance. The scene changes to the girls in the fitting room. Foxxy stands straightening her dress while Clara is busy bandaging Ling-Ling's left foot.
Clara: I'm sorry you injured your foot, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Yeah... Ling-Ling sorry too.
Clara: You think you'll be able to walk on it?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not think so. (Ling-Ling stand up on the table and tries to walk a little. As soon as he takes one step on his left foot, he starts hopping in pain.)
Clara: I guess that answers that. (She sighs.) How are we going to do this, Ling-Ling?
Foxxy: (turning toward the pair) Ling-Ling, can't you fly?
Ling-Ling: Not likely. Ling-Ling mainly just hover. That impressive to see, but it not so good at getting him from point A to point B. Unless point A on floor and point B four feet above floor.
Foxxy: But... I've seen you fly! When you fought that monster in that cave!
Ling-Ling: That different. Ling-Ling can do kamikaze style dive bomb maneuver when he in battle mode. But he not able to fly at wedding unless aim is to take groom's head off. (Clara and Foxxy nod. Ling-Ling looks at each of them in turn.) He pretty sure land whale not want that.
Foxxy: Probably not.
At that moment, a door can be heard opening in the background.
Toot: Hey, guys!
They all turn. In the doorway at the back of the room stands Toot, fully decked out in her wedding dress. Clara and Foxxy, clearly breathtaken, walk over to her.
Toot: Oh, let me guess. Time for the obligatory gushing over the bride? (She lets out a mock sigh.) Well, all right. Go ahead and gush, if you must.
Clara: Toot, you look incredible. There's really nothing more to say.
Toot: Thanks.
Foxxy: Clara's right. You are truly one beautiful bride.
Toot: Okay, I'm tired of this already. Blah blah blah I look awesome, let's move on, okay?
Clara: Sure.
Toot: (looking over at Ling-Ling) So what about him? Is he going to be able to walk?
Clara: Doesn't look like it.
Toot: I see. I guess you're going to have to carry him, then. (Clara is surprised.)
Clara: Really? I didn't think you wanted me doing that.
Toot: You know what? I've decided it's not important. The procession is going to be all screwed to hell anyway. I don't think anybody really knows what they're doing. (She looks at Foxxy.) Maybe we should have rehearsed that one.
Foxxy: Maybe we should have.
Toot: But that's okay. I don't care. (She looks at Clara and Foxxy.) You know, it's odd. When we were planning this, I was so obsessed with making sure everything would be just perfect. But now that the day is finally here... I just kind of want to get it over with and move on. You know what I mean?
Clara: Wait. I'm confused. Are you saying you don't care about your wedding anymore?
Toot: No, not at all! It's just that... I've been so stressed out the last couple of days about things. I guess at this point, I'm just looking forward to being past it all and settling into my new life with Marty. Does that make sense?
Foxxy: Yeah, I guess it does.
Toot: Thanks for being there for me through all this, guys. I couldn't have done it without you.
Clara: No problem, Toot.
Foxxy: Well, it looks like it's time. Just one more thing left to do.
Toot: Yep.
Clara: All right, then. Let's go.
Toot nods. Clara picks up Ling-Ling and the three girls walk out together.
Clara: (as they walk) So where are we going? I'm not quite clear on that, to be honest.
Toot: Well, you girls are going to get in position to walk down the aisle. But before you do that, we need to go to that spot behind the platform over there so I can meet the person who's giving me away.
Foxxy: Who's giving you away? Your father?
The girls arrive at the designated spot. However, the only one present is the penguin.
Penguin: Squawk!
Clara: Now THAT'S creative!
Toot looks at Clara with mild annoyance. The scene changes to Toot's parents seated in the audience. Toot's father has nodded off again. Mrs. Braunstein looks at him with irritation.
Mrs. Braunstein: Elmer! Wake up, you old bat! (She nudges him. He stirs.) Aren't you supposed to give Toot away?
Elmer: Give her away? Don't be ridiculous! (He thinks.) I could probably sell her. (He pauses.) They'd have to offer me a lot, though.
Elmer closes his eyes again. With the back of her hand, Mrs. Braunstein smacks him in the shoulder. He quickly rouses. The scene changes back to the women. Toot is looking to her right.
Toot: Oh, here comes Daddy.
Clara: Ah, good.
Foxxy: Well, Toot... looks like it's time.
Toot: Yeah... it does. (As Toot's father approaches, she turns to Clara and Foxxy one more time.) Hey, Clara? Foxxy? (They are attentive.) Look. Before we start this thing... I want to run something by you real quick.
The girls get into a huddle. As we see Elmer enter the scene, the scene changes to the guys in their own part of the courtyard.
Marty: All right, look. We haven't rehearsed anything and nobody really knows what's going on. I don't know how this procession is supposed to run and I don't think Toot does either. So we're just going to have to improvise.
Hero: What's the plan?
Marty: Okay, this would probably be the simplest way to do it. Foxxy's coming out first. Hero, you meet her at the back and walk down the aisle with her. (Marty turns to his best man.) You'll meet up with Clara and walk down the aisle with her. (Marty's friend nods.)
Spanky: So who do I walk down the aisle with?
Marty's eyes shift nervously. Marty turns and looks at the last remaining figure. Spanky turns and looks in the same direction as Marty. We see that they are looking at Xandir.
Spanky: (shaking his head) Oh, no. No, no, no. This is NOT what I signed up for!
Marty: Sorry, Spanky, but there's no one else left!
Xandir: What's the matter, Spanky? Don't you want to escort me down the aisle? I mean, it's not like it would be the first time we've been down the aisle together! Remember when I saved you from that computer virus by marrying you so you could have health insurance?
Spanky: Yeah, well... if I had it to do over again, I'd have just downloaded McAfee.
The guys all pause for a moment. The murmur from the crowd begins to die down. Clara, holding Ling-Ling, and Foxxy walk up to the guys, prepared to begin. Marty looks at everyone.
Marty: All right, guys. Looks like it's time. Let's do this.
Everyone nods. The scene becomes completely quiet. The group stands around nervously, waiting to begin. Finally, the familiar strains of the wedding march begin to play. Hero and Foxxy look at each other. They interlock arms and begin walking down the aisle. Next, it is Spanky's turn. Spanky stands still, reluctant to continue. Xandir nudges Spanky with his elbow. Spanky finally sighs, jumps up, and latches onto Xandir's forearm. Xandir walks down the aisle holding Spanky, whose feet are both off the ground. Next, Clara, holding Ling-Ling with her right arm, steps up to meet Marty's best man. She takes his right arm with her left and they begin to walk down the aisle.
Best man: I don't think we've met. I'm one of Marty's friends.
Clara: Oh, I see. Nice to meet you. I'm Clara.
Best man: Clara, huh? I like that name.
Clara, Ling-Ling, and Marty's friend walk down the aisle. Marty now stands alone at the back of the courtyard. A thought suddenly hits him. He reacts with frustration.
Marty: Oh, crap. Of all the things to not think of! Now what am I going to do?
Cut to Spanky and Xandir.
Xandir: Hey, Spanky, I just thought of something. Who's Marty going to walk down the aisle with?
Spanky: Oh, I'm sure he has somebody in mind.
Cut to Marty walking down the aisle. His companion is hidden from the camera's view. He arrives at the altar, where the others are already in place. A slightly irritated look is on Marty's face.
Hero: Hey, Marty. Who's your friend?
Marty sighs and slowly looks to his right. We see that standing by Marty's side is none other than the penguin.
Penguin: Squawk!
Clara: (to Foxxy) Now is that the same penguin? Cause if it's not, it's starting to seem like these two are REALLY desperate for friends.
Marty scowls for a moment. At that point, we here the familiar strains of "Here Comes the Bride" begin to play. Everyone turns. We see Toot, escorted by her father, enter the scene and walk down the aisle. Marty smiles and takes a deep breath.
Toot: "Here Comes the Bride"? That's a little cliched. Eh, I guess it'll do.
Toot's father steps aside as they arrive at the altar. Marty and Toot take each other's hands and smile at each other.
Toot: I love you, Marty.
Marty: Toot, I don't think that part comes until later.
Toot: I'm not that big on waiting.
Marty: So. (He takes another breath.) You ready to do this?
Toot: I've never been more ready.
Marty: Good.
The music stops. Everyone waits with great anticipation. Finally, Wooldoor walks out to the platform, naturally dressed in his priest outfit. In the crowd, we see Mrs. Braunstein react with tremendous shock.
Wooldoor: Thanks for the song, guys. Anyway, let's begin. (He opens his Bible and begins reading from it.) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Toot Braunstein and Marty Fitzpatrick in holy-
Mrs. Brauntein: The hell you are!
Everyone looks toward Mrs. Braunstein in shock. Toot droops her head in exasperation.
Toot: Oh, goddammit.
Wooldoor: I don't understand. Is there some problem?
Mrs. Braunstein: (rapidly making her way to the altar) You're damn right there's a problem! You! (She points to Wooldoor.) What the hell are you doing marrying my daughter in a getup like that? Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?
Wooldoor: But... this is my priest's uniform!
Mrs. Braunstein: Priest? (Her disbelief grows more apparent.) PRIEST? Why the hell are you marrying my Jewish daughter dressed up like a PRIEST?
Wooldoor: Because... that's what they agreed on for the ceremony.
Mrs. Braunstein: Agreed on? Quit lying to me, you little putz. Why would my daughter and her boyfriend ever agree to this?
Toot: Mom, it's really not important, okay?
Mrs. Braunstein: You know my daughter is Jewish, right?
Marty: Yes, she is, Mrs. Braunstein. But I'm Catholic.
Mrs. Braunstein goes into severe shock. She takes a sharp breath and draws back, fire practically shooting from her eyes. The rest of the group looks at her with concern, extremely worried about what she might do. Toot, extremely angry, refuses to look in her mother's direction.
Hero: (holding a flask) Now if she does the heart attack bit, it's a drink, right?
Spanky: (also holding a flask) Right. And if she keels over, we drain the whole bottle!
Mrs. Braunstein: (to Marty, very angry) You're CATHOLIC? (She turns quickly to Toot, who still refuses to look at her.) Toot, you never told me you were marrying one of those horrible Catholics!
Toot: That's because I honestly didn't feel it was important, Mom!
Wooldoor: (interrupting) Mrs. Braunstein, if it's going to be a deal breaker, I don't HAVE to marry Toot like this! (He turns around and immediately turns back, now wearing rabbi clothes.) Look! I'm also an ordained rabbi!
Mrs. Braunstein: (ignoring Wooldoor and continuing to talk to Toot) You didn't feel it was important? How could you not feel it was important? I swear, Toot, it's almost like being Jewish doesn't mean anything to you! (Toot, continuing to avert her glance, does not answer.) Well, this will not do. Toot, you simply cannot marry a Catholic boy. I won't have it.
Toot: Mom, I'm marrying Marty, whether you like it or not.
Mrs. Braunstein: Then in that case, there's only one thing we can do. (She turns to Marty.) You'll have to convert.
Marty: What?
Toot: (finally turning toward her mom) WHAT???
Mrs. Braunstein: If you're insistent on marrying my daughter, you'll have to convert to Judaism. Then, not only can you make her a proper husband, it'll also save your mortal soul from going to hell! (She thinks for a moment.) Or wherever the gays and Catholics end up. (Mrs. Braunstein turns and looks at Wooldoor, still dressed as a rabbi.) Ah! I see a man of the proper faith has decided to show up. Look, could you whip up a conversion ritual for this young man here? And then you can marry him to my daughter.
Toot: No!
Mrs. Braunstein: (turning to Toot) What do you mean, no?
Toot: I am not going to stand by and let you make Marty change his entire belief system just so he can be with me! (She points angrily at her mother.) Now if you don't sit down right now and leave us be-
Mrs. Braunstein: Oy, vey! I'm telling you, this girl, she'll be the death of me yet! Toot, all I want is to see you get married under the proper terms. Is that so wrong?
Toot: Yes! Yes, it is! (She sighs and takes a moment to steady herself. Toot then takes a moment to renew her determination and approaches her mother again.) Mom, all I wanted to do was have a beautiful wedding with the man I love, and to create a precious memory of the day that I could cherish for the rest of my life. Well, now you've ruined it. My precious memory is forever tarnished. Thank you for that.
Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, what are you saying?
Toot: I'm saying that the wedding is OFF. (The crowd is stunned.)
Mrs. Braunstein: What, what, WHAT?
Toot: You heard me, you old bag! This wedding is officially CANCELLED! (Toot turns to Marty.) Marty, meet me in the courtyard later. (Toot turns back to her mother.) Now you see what your meddling got you?
With that, Toot turns and storms out. Most of the crowd is in shock. Marty is hopelessly confused. Even Hero and Spanky have momentarily abandoned their drinking game. Clara and Foxxy look at each other. The scene fades.
Marty (in confessional): I didn't know what happened to Toot. I knew she was getting fed up with her mother's constant nitpicking, but I honestly didn't foresee her reacting like this. I knew I had to talk to her quickly, but she was nowhere to be found. She had even abandoned the confessional booth for the time being. As she walked out on the wedding, she had mentioned something about meeting her in the courtyard later. But I went back, and... she wasn't there either.
Cut to the courtyard. It has been several hours since the aborted wedding ceremony. The crowd has pretty much gone. Marty is looking around trying to make sense of the whole thing. Xandir is standing beside him.
Marty: I don't get it. How could she do this?
Xandir: Women are so fickle. That's why I eventually said the hell with them. Although I think on some level, my steadily increasing desire for mangina was also a factor.
Marty: I mean, I'm not surprised she got upset. I remember the way she was when we first met at that anger management class. Wow... you know, thinking about all the pressure she was under during this whole thing, I guess the fact that she managed to hold it in for so long proves just how far she's come.
Xandir: Yeah. She has.
Marty: What I don't get, though, is why she disappeared without telling me where she went. Even if she's mad at her mom, I would think she'd have tried not to leave ME in the dark.
Xandir: Didn't she say something to you about meeting her later?
Marty: Yeah, she said to meet her in the courtyard. But here we are in the courtyard, and she's nowhere to be found!
Xandir: Maybe she meant the other one.
Marty: The other what?
Xandir: The other courtyard. This palace has two of them, remember?
Realizing what is going on, Marty closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He nods and then opens his eyes again.
Marty: Well, that's what I get for tuning out Clara's boring tour guide bit, I guess. (He turns to Xandir with surprise.) So how come YOU were listening?
Xandir: Oh, I wasn't. I just knew about the other courtyard because I've been here before and I would sneak off there to have private moments with some of her father's bodyguards.
Marty: Okay, on that note, I'm going to go try to find the woman I love. (He turns and runs out.)
Xandir: The woman you love? Wait. Does Toot know about this?
The scene changes to Marty running across the palace grounds. He is frantically searching for the other courtyard.
Marty: I really should have asked Xandir exactly where that other courtyard was.
Marty quickly shrugs, then resumes his pursuit. Finally, he sees what appears to be a secluded area in another part of the grounds. He stops running and approaches the entrance. He walks through the opening and gazes upon the courtyard. His expression changes to one of awe. He looks all around. The camera angle changes to reveal what Marty is looking at. Wedding decorations are hung up all over the place. Although the courtyard is quite a bit smaller than the other one, it is set up much the same way as the other had been, only smaller and more condensed. Marty walks deeper into the courtyard. Near the stage, we see Clara, Foxxy, and Toot setting up for another ceremony. They notice Marty's presence.
Clara: Oh, hey, Marty!
Marty: Hey, guys.
Toot: Were you getting worried because you couldn't find me? I probably should have told you I meant the OTHER courtyard.
Marty: Yeah, maybe you should have. (Toot walks over to Marty.)
Toot: (looking around) So what do you think?
Marty: (looking into Toot's eyes) I think it looks beautiful.
Toot: Thanks.
Marty: (looking around) I have to say, I am really impressed! You've managed to do quite a lot in a very short time! When did you come up with this plan?
Toot: This morning.
Marty: Right after you walked out on the ceremony?
Toot: No... before, actually.
Marty: (confused) Before?
Clara: (walking over) Toot told us about it just before the ceremony. She told us about how, given all that had happened so far, she was scared to death that her mom was going to try to pull something during the ceremony.
Marty: And for good reason, apparently.
Foxxy: (walking over) That's when she told us about her idea that if anything went wrong, she was just going to ditch and start all over.
Clara: I suggested that we could always just move the wedding to the smaller courtyard. I mean, it would take some work, but given its relative size, we could probably decorate it pretty quickly. We'd just have to scale it down a bit.
Marty: (to Toot) And you were okay with this?
Toot: Believe it or not, Marty, yes. (She puts her hands on his arms.) I know it's odd, given how all through the planning process, I was all "Big wedding! Big wedding! Big wedding! The bigger the better!". But now that I'm actually HERE, well... suddenly, all I really care about is what's really important to me. (She looks into his eyes.) Like the fact that I'm marrying you. (Marty smiles at her.)
Marty: So what about all your guests?
Toot: Ah, screw 'em. The people I *really* care about are here, that's all that matters. I'll send the others a card later or something.
Marty: I don't blame you.
Toot: Well, just so you know, we're not going to delay this thing TOO long. I want to be in and out before my mom gets wind of this. So if there's anybody you want here, you'd better go tell them now. (Marty nods.) But be quiet about it, okay? I'm trying to keep the riffraff out.
Marty: No problem. I'll just go get my best friend and my parents. That'll be all I need.
Toot: Sounds good. While you're getting them, I'll go fix myself up. Then after that, we'll get this party started... for real, this time.
Marty: Sounds good.
Marty and Toot smile and look at each other for a moment. They proceed to embrace and kiss. After a moment, they pull away. Marty turns and leaves to go get his guests. Toot goes back into the castle and heads in the direction of her room. As she walks, a slight grin crosses her lips.
Toot (in confessional): Hey, assbags, I'm back! Yeah, I left for a moment so Marty could have his bit, but now I'm back to stay! Anyway, I was feeling quite pleased with myself. It took some doing, but I had finally figured out a way to get my mom off my back. Did I mention how I was really pleased with myself?
Cut back to Toot walking to her room. She grins again as she opens the door. Upon opening the door, however, she reacts with shock. Sitting on her bed is none other than her mother.
Mrs. Braunstein: Hello, Toot.
Toot: Oh, fuck me AGAIN.
Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I need to have a talk with you.
Toot: Forget it, Mom. I have nothing to say to you.
Mrs. Braunstein: Well, I have something to say to you!
Toot's mother gets up off the bed and walks over to where Toot is standing. Toot sighs and looks down, anticipating the worst.
Toot: Mom...
Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
Toot's expression changes to one of disbelief. She looks up at her mother, having great difficulty taking in what she has just heard.
Toot: What... what did you say?
Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I am really, really sorry that I messed up your wedding.
Toot: Um... thanks, Mom.
Mrs. Braunstein: Look, Toot. I admit that I may not be the most open-minded person in the world.
Toot: Uh DUHHHHHHH!
Mrs. Braunstein: But what can I say? I'm an old Jew and that's just how I was raised. (Toot nods cynically.) And sometimes... us old folks... we get so caught up with the way WE see things that we sometimes forget that the younger ones have their own ways of looking at things.
Toot: Okay...
Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I know I overreacted when I found out you were marrying a Catholic. And looking back, I guess I overreacted about a lot of other things, too. (Toot's brow is still wrinkled, but she is showing signs of softening.) I mean, maybe your wedding isn't the way *I* saw things playing out. But it's *your* wedding. Not mine. And I guess I should learn to respect that. (The anger finally appears to leave Toot's eyes.)
Toot: Yeah... maybe you should. (Toot thinks for a moment.) Look, Mom. As long as we're being open for a change, I guess I might as well share some stuff too. I know that through this wedding- hell, through my entire life- I haven't always held my Jewish background in the highest esteem. (Toot's mother looks at her, but says nothing.) And hell, to be honest, I'm still not what one would call a devout Jew. I probably never will be. But... it's a good faith that teaches some good lessons. And more importantly, it's important to YOU... and I probably should have kept that in mind when I made the decision to marry a Catholic. (Mrs. Braunstein starts to speak, but Toot stops her.) Now I'm not saying I wouldn't still have married him. No, I would have, because I believe that love transcends a person's chosen religious beliefs. But... I know there are others who don't, and I should respect those opinions rather than just dismissing them because I don't agree with them.
Mrs. Braunstein: Maybe we both need to pay a little more attention to respecting the beliefs of others.
Toot: Yeah. I think maybe we should. (Toot and her mother pause for a moment. Toot looks at her mother plaintively.) So. (She nods.) Was that all you had to say?
Mrs. Braunstein: (thinking for a moment) Yes. Yes, I think that covers it.
Toot: (smiling at her mother) Sounds good. (She pauses for a moment.) Thank you.
Mrs. Braunstein: No problem. (She pauses for a moment.) So.
Toot: So.
Mrs. Braunstein: What are you going to do about the wedding? Are you going to reschedule it?
Toot: Oh, I'll have it sometime, I guess. Don't know when, though.
Mrs. Braunstein: Okay. Well... (She puts her hand on Toot's shoulder.) You just keep me posted. Okay?
Toot: Okay, mom.
Toot's mother smiles, then turns and walks past Toot. She grasps the door handle and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Toot stands lost in thought for a moment. Finally, she sighs.
Toot: Goddammit!
Toot turns and walks out the door. As she exits the room, she breaks into a run. The scene fades. The scene changes to the small courtyard later that evening. The wedding party is fully assembled. Toot and Marty are standing at the altar, in the middle of their vows.
Wooldoor: (wearing a priest robe and a yarmulke with a star of David) And do you, Toot, take Marty to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, blah blah blah, until death do you part?
Toot: I do.
Wooldoor: Now, then. If there is anyone here who objects to the union of this couple, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Toot and Marty anxiously turn toward the audience. We see both of Toot's parents sitting in the stands listening attentively. Neither is saying a word. Wooldoor continues.
Wooldoor: Last chance. If there is anyone in attendance who objects to this pairing, let him speak now or forever-
Penguin: Squawk!
Toot: You shut up!
Marty: Yeah! You had your chance with her! (Toot chuckles.)
Wooldoor: By the power vested in me by the state of California- (Mrs. Braunstein very audibly coughs)- and God... (Mrs. Braunstein smiles and nods)... I now pronounce you man and wife!
Toot proceeds to throw her arms around Marty and give him the biggest kiss in his life. Marty is so surprised, he almost falls backwards, but keeps his feet as Toot continues to kiss him.
Wooldoor: Not that you really need my permission or anything by this point, but you may now kiss the bride.
Toot continues to ignore Wooldoor and keeps kissing Marty. The other housemates look on proudly. As we see the sun just beginning to set, Toot and Marty are shown kissing in silhouette. The scene fades.
The scene fades back up on the grand hall of the palace. The wedding reception is in full swing. The band is playing Elton John's "Kiss the Bride". Marty and Toot are dancing in celebration. We see Wooldoor and Xandir dancing together, but due to their height differential, Wooldoor is dancing on Xandir's feet.
Xandir: Ow! Wooldoor, you're hurting my toes!
Wooldoor: You want to dance by yourself?
Xandir: (apologetically) No, sir.
Wooldoor looks at him with an expression that says "That's better". Wooldoor puts his feet back on top of Xandir's and resumes dancing.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeee!
Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling. Clara dances apparently by herself while holding Ling-Ling, still with a bandaged foot, in her arm.
Ling-Ling: Carla sure this not too difficult for her?
Clara: Don't worry, Ling-Ling. I can handle it. This way, you can dance with me without using your feet!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, cause otherwise, Ling-Ling feet definitely be touching the ground.
Ling-Ling rolls his eyes, then goes back to holding her arm in a slow dancing position. The camera proceeds to pan across the room. As it does so, we catch a glimpse of Spanky disco dancing the same manner as he did when he had disco fever in "Foxxy vs. the Board of Education". The camera pans past Spanky to an isolated table at the side of the room. Hero and Foxxy are sitting down. Hero is feeling Foxxy's stomach.
Hero: So it's really on its way.
Foxxy: Yep. No turning back now!
Hero: Well, I'm glad. You know, Foxxy, the further along this gets, the more excited I am about our child coming.
Foxxy: Me too.
Hero: It's still hard for me to believe, you know. We're actually going to be parents in a few months.
Foxxy: I guess the bunch of us is finally starting to grow up.
Hero: Yeah, I guess we are. I mean... Toot's married now. Clara and Ling-Ling are married already. Hell, at this point, even Xandir's talking about getting married!
Foxxy: Yeah. (She thinks for a moment, then turns to Hero.) Speaking of that... Hero... what about us?
Hero: Us?
Foxxy: Yeah. We's supposed to be getting married too.
Hero: That's true. We are. (He looks over at Toot and Marty, who are clearly very, very happy.) You know, Foxxy... it's hard to look at them like that and not want a little piece of it for ourselves.
Foxxy: Hero, what are you saying?
Hero: Foxxy, I know we said we'd have our wedding a few months down the road, but... I'm getting impatient. I don't think I want to wait that long.
Foxxy: You want to move the wedding up? (Hero nods.) I could be on board with that. When were you thinking about having it?
Hero: Oh, sometime around... right now?
Foxxy: (taken aback) Right now? Hero, is you crazy?
Hero: Foxxy, I'm serious. Why can't we? The place is already set up for a wedding, and we already have a minister on hand! Plus, all the people we would really care about attending are here already!
Foxxy: Well... I suppose that IS true. (She thinks for a moment.) All right, Hero. You're on.
Hero: I am?
Foxxy: Let's do this!
Hero: Okay! I'll go get Wooldoor!
Hero gets up and walks over to Wooldoor, who is still dancing happily on Xandir's feet. Hero taps Wooldoor on the shoulder. Wooldoor turns around.
Wooldoor: Yes?
Hero: Wooldoor, I need to ask a favor of you. (Wooldoor is attentive.) Foxxy and I were wondering if you could-
At that moment, a small white arm appears around Hero's neck. The hand is holding an extended switchblade.
Toot: The hell you will!
Hero: Um, what?
Toot lets go of Hero and turns him around to face her.
Toot: Hero, I overheard your whole conversation with Foxxy. I think it's really sweet of you two to want to go ahead and tie the knot.
Hero: Why, thanks!
Toot: But there IS such a thing as stealing someone's thunder, and just so you know, Toot Fitzpatrick don't take kindly to having her thunder being stolen! (She brandishes the switchblade threateningly.)
Hero: Maybe we could wait and do it in a couple of months.
Toot: I think that might be a good idea. (Toot puts the switchblade away. She smiles at Hero and leans in to hug him.) Seriously, Hero. I'm really happy for you guys. You two deserve it.
Hero: (smiling) Thanks.
Hero and Toot break their embrace. Toot walks back over to Marty and begins dancing with him again. Hero returns to Foxxy.
Hero: Foxxy, I was just thinking. Maybe instead of doing it right here on the spot, we should wait a couple of months.
Foxxy: Yeah, I heard what Toot said.
Hero: Yeah.
Foxxy: I guess she has a point. (Hero nods.) And now that I think about it, as excited as we are about our wedding... I'm thinking it might be a good idea to give the others a little bit of time to get excited about it also.
Hero: That sounds like a good idea.
Foxxy: I'll tell you what. When we get back home, we'll go ahead and start getting our plans in order. In the meantime, how about we just relax and enjoy the rest of Toot's wedding?
Hero: Sounds good to me!
Hero and Foxxy kiss for a moment, then get on the floor and begin to slow dance as "Heaven" by Bryan Adams begins to play. The music continues to play as the camera pulls back. Clara and Ling-Ling, as well as Toot and Marty, are also slow dancing with each other. Wooldoor is now slow dancing as well, his head perched romantically on the shoulders of a very disgruntled looking Spanky.
Spanky: Now this was DEFINITELY not what I signed up for!
Xandir looks around, confused.
Xandir: Wait! This isn't fair! Who am *I* going to slow dance with?
Toot, dancing next to Xandir, casually taps him on the shoulder. He turns to look at her. Without breaking her embrace with Marty, Toot points behind Xandir. Xandir turns to look at the figure standing behind him. His expression becomes slightly irritated.
Penguin: Squawk!
Xandir: Oh, fuck me.
Xandir looks at the penguin with mild annoyance. He then sighs and shrugs as he takes the penguin's flipper and begins to slow dance. A look of extreme confusion crosses the penguin's face. The camera begins to gradually pull back to survey the scene. The last image we see is of all the various couples dancing together. The scene fades.
THE END
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Result 9 of 10:
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 123
Location: Nashville, TN
Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 50: The Show Must Go On
« Result #9 on May 6, 2009, 12:56pm » | |
THE SHOW MUST GO ON
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where Clara, Ling-Ling, Hero, Toot, and Xandir are watching TV.
Toot (in confessional): It was just another ordinary day in the life of the Drawn Together housemates. That's right. Just another ordinary day. Foxxy and Spanky were doing their radio show.
The scene changes to the radio station. Spanky and Foxxy are on the air.
Spanky: Foxxy, have you ever noticed how every 65th BM smells different? It's like it's not yours, it's someone else's BM in your toilet.
Foxxy: No, Spanky, I can honestly say I have never noticed that.
Spanky: It's not that I really MIND the smell of other people's BMs... it's just that, you know, you're accustomed to one thing and then they switch it up on you.
Caller: What on earth does this have to do with my problem?
Spanky: Oh, right. What was your problem again?
Caller: I'm dating a beautiful woman, but whenever we're together, I get nervous and can't perform.
Spanky: Okay, well... I'll tell you what. Why don't you just let me ramble a bit and I'll try to integrate your problem into the narrative at some point. So as I was saying, the other day, I had this BM that if I didn't know better, I would swear it smelled like Sylvester Stallone! Now you may be wondering exactly how I know what Sly's BMs smell like. Well, I'll tell you.
Toot (in confessional): The rest of us were sitting around watching TV.
Cut back to the housemates watching TV.
Man: (on TV) This is the story of seven strangers.
Woman: (on TV) Picked to live in a furniture store.
Effeminate man: (on TV) To find out what happens when people stop being polite.
Cranky man: (on TV) And start getting real!
Enthusiastic woman: (on TV) It's The Real World, IKEA!
On the television, we see a long shot of a very large shopping center. A very large IKEA sign sits above the main doors. The scene changes to the interior of the store, where we see seven people crowded into a large living room display.
Man: Oh, man, Terrell was totally puking his guts out last night!
Cranky man: I was not!
Enthusiastic woman: I bet he saw Lawrence naked again!
Effeminate man: Hey!
Cranky man: No, I wasn't that lucky!
Woman: So were any of you listening to the radio this morning? They had this one guy on who couldn't seem to talk about anything but his BMs!
Effeminate man: Ugh! I dated this guy once who had diarrhea. It was NOT fun.
Man: That reminds me. I gotta hit the can.
The man gets up and walks past several browsing customers to a bathroom set. The others remain talking.
Enthusiastic woman: And it fell out! Do you believe it?
Woman: Wow.
A store employee followed by two customers walks over to the living room set.
Employee: And these are the chairs that come with the ensemble, which you can put together yourself.
Woman in couple: And what about the people here? Do they come too?
Cranky man: Not today, I forgot to take my pills!
Woman: (admonishing Cranky Man) Terrell! You're not supposed to interact with the store people! It ruins the reality! (Cranky Man scoffs.)
Cut back to the housemates watching TV.
Toot (in confessional): Like I said. Just another ordinary day for all of us. Nothing special going on at all. No, sir.
Cut back to the radio show.
Spanky: Okay, so picture this. I'm on the crapper having my morning BM when suddenly the phone rings. Now, I gotta ask myself, is this call important enough to stop my BM? Cause if I interrupt my BM midway through, that's gonna wreck my colon. And you know what happens when your colon gets all messed up.
Foxxy: No, Spanky. Again, I do not.
Spanky: Well, I'll tell you. You'd better treasure that crap, Foxxy, cause it's gonna be the last normal one you'll have for a while!
Foxxy: Thank you for sharing that, Spanky.
Spanky: No problem! Well, it looks like that's about all for the show today. Normally I'd tell you to tune in tomorrow, but Love Talk will be taking a brief hiatus for a few days.
Foxxy: That's right. Spanky and myself will be attending the wedding of our dear friend Toot, who we would again like to extend our most sincere congratulations to.
Toot (in confessional): Oh, that's right. Silly me, I almost forgot. I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! (She calms down slightly.) Well, not actually today. I mean, the actual ceremony is in a couple of days. But today is when we leave for Morningwood and start getting everything set up and ready to go!
Cut back to the housemates on the couch.
Clara: (to Toot) You know, you're pretty calm for somebody who's about to tie the knot.
Toot: Eh, it's just another thing.
Clara: Isn't that what Zsa Zsa Gabor said?
Toot: No, she added the word "dahling" to the end of it. I can't pull that off.
Xandir: Wait. What are you guys talking about?
Clara: About Toot's upcoming wedding.
Xandir: Wait. Toot's wedding. Oh my God! Toot's getting married! Like, oh my God oh my God oh my God! (He gets up and starts running around in circles.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!
Toot: Xandir, you've known about this for ages.
Xandir: I know, I just still can't believe it! (He continues running around.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!
Toot: I hope he doesn't do this during the actual ceremony.
Hero: You think this is bad, imagine what he'll be doing during his OWN wedding.
Xandir: (stops running) Oh, I won't be doing anything like this during my OWN wedding. I'll be too busy holding the ropes and chains that it would take to finally coerce Fernando to the altar.
Clara: Wait. Xandir and Fernando getting married? (A scowl starts to form on her face.)
Xandir: Clara, this is really not the time for your anti-gay thing.
Clara: Oh, that? I wasn't even thinking about my homophobia! I was just scowling because I think you could do a lot better than Fernando!
Xandir: Oh, I could, no doubt. But... (He sighs.) The heart wants what it wants.
Clara: (getting up) I think right now my heart wants some breakfast. Like maybe some cereal or something.
Toot: (getting up also) I was going to make sausage! You want?
Clara: What kind of sausage?
Toot: Not the penis kind. Or the poo kind.
Clara: Okay, then I'm in! (Clara and Toot go to the kitchen. Xandir has resumed running around.)
Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!
Ling-Ling: (turning to Hero) You see what Ling-Ling mean?
Hero: I do.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling in scene whole time and he still not get any dialogue! Why that keep happening to Ling-Ling?
Hero: Well, if it's any comfort, Ling-Ling, I only had one line.
Ling-Ling: No, that no comfort at all.
Hero and Ling-Ling both look at Xandir again.
Xandir: (still running around) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!
Ling-Ling: What we going to do about him?
Hero: Oh, I have an idea! (Hero picks up a very surprised Ling-Ling.) This was hilarious when we did it in the after school special!
Xandir: (still running around) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my-
Xandir is suddenly whacked upside the face by the body of Ling-Ling. He falls to the floor in a daze. Ling-Ling hops back up on the couch beside Hero, satisfied. Ling-Ling and Hero smile and nod at each other, then turn the TV back on.
Employee: (on TV) Terrell! That is not the correct slot to insert that chair leg into!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the kitchen. Wooldoor, now in his priest outfit, is holding a Bible and practicing lines. Marty sits at the kitchen table.
Wooldoor: I now pronounce you man and fish. No, wait, that's not right. Peanut butter and jelly. No...
Marty: I can't believe it. It's the big wedding episode and I don't even get to be in the opening scene!
Wooldoor: Yeah, that's rough, Marty. (He goes back to practicing.) I now pronounce you woman and cheese wedge. Dammit, still not there!
Marty: Um, Wooldoor, what-
Wooldoor: Oh, I'm sorry, Marty, I'm busy practicing for the big day. It's been a while since I've done one of these and I'm really rusty.
Marty: I think the phrase you're looking for is "man and wife".
Wooldoor: I now pronounce you man and wife. (He perks up excitedly.) Hey, you're right! Okay, I've got it! Now, then. Now that I've got the speech down... now it's time to work on my look! (Wooldoor pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on. He affects a cool manner.) Dearly beloved... 'sup?
Clara walks in followed by Spanky and Ling-Ling.
Clara: Hey, guys, you ready? It's time to leave for Morningwood.
Spanky: No need, Clara. I brought Morningwood here!
Clara: (turning to Spanky) You brought an entire country here?
Spanky: Entire country? Well, I admit, it's pretty damn big, but I'm not sure I'd call it a COUNTRY. Maybe... a charming little principality in the mountains.
Wooldoor: I got yer mountains right here! (Wooldoor raises his top to reveal his large breasts.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! (He begins jiggling them. Spanky becomes transfixed as Clara looks at him with disgust.)
Clara: Ugh. I am going to tell you right now, Wooldoor Sockbat, we are not having any of THAT at the wedding!
Wooldoor: (putting his top back down) Awwwwwww!
Spanky: Be careful, Clara, Toot will probably overrule you again.
Toot: (walking in) Sorry, Spanky. But I happen to agree with Clara on this issue. There won't be any naked breasts at the wedding except possibly mine. And that's only depending on how drunk I get.
Marty: Um, Toot?
Toot: (walking over to Marty) I'm kidding, Marty. I'm not going to get drunk at my own wedding. No, believe me, this is one event I want to be completely sober for! (She gives him a quick peck on the cheek.)
Marty: Wow, I can't think of a nicer compliment from my bride to be. I love you enough to be sober for you.
Wooldoor: I wish *my* wife had felt that way.
Marty: So are we all taking the van? I would think that would get kind of crowded.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not riding in glove compartment again!
Clara: No, actually, we don't have to take the van at all. I'm having the carriage sent over!
Spanky: Well... okay. Just give me time to go get my bonnet and pacifier.
Clara: The carriage is going to come pick us all up and then take us over to Morningwood.
Toot: Thanks again for letting us have the wedding in Morningwood, Clara! I bet it'll be really beautiful there.
Clara: No problem, Toot. I just want you to be happy.
Spanky: But Clara, what about your father? Won't he get in the way?
Clara: Oh, I've come up with a plan to deal with him.
Cut to the group now standing in the throne room at the castle.
Hero: Well, that was easy!
Clara: (on her cell phone) Jack, you can cancel the carriage. We ended up just using a cutaway instead.
Wooldoor: Hark! The king approaches!
Spanky: Wooldoor, that's lame.
Wooldoor: Well, how would you do it?
Spanky: (adopting a jive manner) Here comes da king!
The King enters and walks up to Clara.
King: Clara! How nice of you to pay us a visit here. And you've brought your friends, too. So where's the servant girl?
Clara: Father, I have something for you.
King: (gazing at Clara's bosom) Oh, you sure do!
Clara: Look! (She pulls out several tickets.) It's tickets to your favorite event! The ballet!
King: (becoming excited) Oh, Clara, what a wonderful gift! (He takes the tickets from her.) How can I ever- (He begins to look at the tickets. His smile becomes a frown.) Why, Clara. These are ballet tickets.
Clara: Yes.
King: They're not... ballet tickets. They're... ballet tickets.
Clara: (slightly confused) Right.
King: I mean, they're tickets to the ballet. To the ACTUAL ballet.
Clara: Yes... what else would they be?
King: Never mind.
Clara: They're going to be in town for several nights, so I got you tickets to every single performance! Because I know how much you love the ballet.
King: Yes. Of course.
Clara: Father, you weren't... expecting another kind of tickets, were you?
King: No, darling. Of course not. (He sighs.) Well, I'll see you kids later. I guess I'm off to... (he sighs again) the ballet. (He turns sadly and walks away.)
Clara: (calling to the King as he leaves) Enjoy your dance, Father!
King: Yeah, yeah. (He is gone. The others turn to Clara.)
Spanky: Nice!
Xandir: Does this mean I don't get to shake my ass again?
Toot: Maybe later, Xandir.
Xandir: Yayyyyy!
Foxxy: So where exactly is the wedding going to be, y'all?
Clara: I'll show you. (Clara begins leading the housemates through the castle.) Now there are two main courtyards on the palace grounds. Given the size and scale of this wedding, I assumed Toot would want to use the bigger one.
Toot: Well, duh!
Clara: And the bigger one is right here!
The group stops. They look out the window to see a beautiful courtyard below them. Wedding decorations are all around, and the seating has already been set up.
Wooldoor: Wow!
Spanky: It's beautiful!
Toot: Nice job, Clara! That's the best place for a wedding I could have ever picked out!
Clara: Thanks.
Toot: Let's not waste any more time, then. Let's get down there right away!
Clara: Okay!
Clara opens the window and steps back. She looks at the housemates and gestures toward the window. The others are confused.
Foxxy: Um, Clara? What the hell is going on?
Spanky: Yeah, Clara! Just show us where the stairs are so we can get down to the courtyard.
Clara: Stairs? Oh don't be silly, Spanky. There aren't any stairs! (The others look at Clara in disbelief.) Do you guys know how old this castle is? They built it long before stairs were even invented! If you want to get down to the courtyard, the only way is to jump out the window here!
Hero: Huh. Okay, then. (Hero runs and jumps out the window.) Geronimoooooooo! (Outside, the housemates hear a thud. They run to the window and look down into the courtyard.)
Clara: Hero, that was a joke.
Foxxy: Maybe you'd better show us where the stairs are, Clara.
Clara: Good idea.
Clara leads the others down the hallway out of sight. The camera lingers on the abandoned window. We hear the voice of Hero below.
Hero: (voice) Owwwww. I'm really getting older, I totally can't defenestrate myself like I used to. Hey, what's that over there? It looks like a door. Hmmm... using my X-ray vision, I can see that behind that door is a staircase! Hey, Clara, guess what? They DO have stairs here! Clara? Foxxy? Spanky? Anybody? Oh, I hope they didn't all jump out the window and die. No, that's silly. I would see the bodies. Hmmm, maybe I'd better get up and look around some more.
Toot (in confessional): Hi there. Me again. That's right, you remember the deal. I'm the ONLY one who gets to do any confessional segments in this episode. Cause this day is all about ME! Hmmm, that makes me sound a little egotistical, doesn't it? Ah, screw it. You guys love me for it and you can't deny it! So anyway, where was I? Oh, right, I was in the confessional chair. Where I still am. Okay, moving on. So we began to start getting the final touches in place for the wedding. The guys were... I don't know. But while they were doing that, the girls and I were trying on our wedding outfits.
Cut to a fancy fitting room somewhere in the castle. Toot is adjusting her wedding dress with the help of a seamstress while Clara, dressed in a long, dark purple bridesmaid dress, stands in front of a mirror.
Clara: Perfect! Ladies and gentlemen, this may just be the first bridesmaid outfit ever that's actually flattering to the person wearing it! (She turns to Toot, who is facing away from her.) Looks like that's one maid of honor decision I made that turned out right, huh?
Toot: Clara, if it wasn't the day before my wedding, I would so overrule you right now just for spite.
Clara: Well, you can't. (She looks in the mirror again.) You know, for the most part, I'm glad I gave up my fashion obsessed ways a while back. But... I can't deny it's fun to revisit my inner fashionista for just a little while. (She adjusts her dress a little and starts poofing her hair.) Damn. Now I almost wish I was getting married again.
Toot: Well, you can't. Sorry, Clara, but it's my turn now. You already had yours.
Clara: I know. I'm just a little regretful I rushed through my turn. (She sighs.) God... who knew that three years later, Ling-Ling and I would still be together?
Toot: I don't know, Clara. God?
Clara: Well, yeah, of course HE knew. He knows everything.
Toot: I bet he doesn't know what Marty and I did in your bed last night!
Clara: My bed? Toot, what did you and Marty-? (Toot turns and smirks at her.) But, Toot, I was IN my bed! (Toot tries to suppress a giggle. Clara turns away in disgust.) Oh, God. In Morningwood law, that would constitute a threesome!
Toot smiles. Foxxy walks in holding a box.
Foxxy: Hey, y'all! (She sees Toot.) Oh, Toot, y'all looks beautiful!
Toot: Thanks! So what's in the box, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Oh, the usual. My pubes, a little bit of juice. Sometimes Captain Hero's penis. (Clara looks down, almost too stunned to react.) Oh, wait. You meant the box I's carrying in my arms.
Toot: Yes.
Foxxy: It's my wedding outfit, y'all! It's gonna be the sexiest wedding outfit ever!
Clara: Now hold on a second. Foxxy, what did you do to your bridesmaid dress? (Clara looks at Toot.) Toot, whatever Foxxy did to her dress, don't blame me, I had nothing to do with it!
Foxxy: I didn't do anything to my dress, Clara! I just mean that it's gonna be sexy cause I'M sexy and the dress really suits my figure!
Clara: Oh. Okay, then.
Toot: Like anyone really gives a rat's ass what the bridesmaids will be wearing. All that matters is the bride. And I, quite frankly, look amazing!
Foxxy: Normally, I would take issue with this massive ego of yours, Toot, but I'll cut y'all some slack cause it IS your big day.
Clara: Yeah. And I hope this doesn't go to your head, but Foxxy's right. You really do look stunning.
Toot: Thanks. Thanks a lot, you guys.
At that moment, porn music starts playing. Clara looks up angrily.
Clara: Oh, come on! Just because one woman tells another she looks nice?
Spanky: (voice) Sorry. (The music stops.) Just thought it would spice up the scene. (The girls turn back to each other.)
Clara: Toot, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. This is your day and you really deserve this.
Toot: Thanks. Thanks again.
Foxxy: Anyway, y'all, the photographer is waiting outside to take some pictures of us. I'm gonna go get into my outfit and then we'll go and have our beauty be captured in photographic form. (to Toot) You about done?
Toot: Yeah, I think so. (She looks at the seamstress.) It looks nice, Betsy. I think we're about done. (Betsy nods. Toot turns to Clara and Foxxy.) All right, you guys. Time for the moment of truth. I'm going to go look at myself in my wedding dress.
Clara and Foxxy step aside as Toot makes her way to the mirror. She steps in front of the mirror and looks at herself. She doesn't react at all- she simply stares at the image for several seconds without saying a word.
Foxxy: Toot? You okay?
Clara: Oh, Toot, don't freak out on us now. We're almost there! (Toot says nothing.) Toot?
Foxxy: Toot, do you not like the way you look?
Toot: Oh, no, Foxxy. I'm fine, really. The dress looks awesome. Really, this is exactly how I pictured it to be.
Clara: Then what's the problem?
Toot: Problem? Who said there was a problem?
Clara: Well, you just stood there and didn't say anything.
Toot: There's no problem, Clara, really. I love the way I look in this dress, honestly. It's just that... well... seeing myself in it for the first time... it really hit me. (She turns to Clara and Foxxy.) I'm getting married, you guys. Seriously, I'm actually getting married!
Foxxy: You are.
Toot: Even with the proposal and all the wedding plans, as I was going through all of it, a part of it still didn't quite seem real to me. But when I stepped in front of this mirror and saw myself in my wedding dress... that's when it became real. This is actually happening for me, guys. I'm seriously about to be a bride.
Clara: Is that a bad thing?
Toot: Don't be silly, Clara. It's wonderful! I just... sort of need a moment to take it all in.
Foxxy: No problem, Toot.
The three women continue to look at the image in the mirror. Toot smiles a smile of deep satisfaction.
Toot: This is going to be awesome, you guys. Seriously. I honestly feel at this very moment that this is going to be the best wedding ever.
At that moment, a shrill voice rings out from behind the women.
Voice: Toot! (Toot looks down in annoyance.)
Toot: Oh, fuck me. (A short woman with gray hair and a large nose walks up behind the group.) Hi, Mom.
Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, what is the meaning of all this? Why are we here in this castle? You should be getting married in a synagogue like a nice Jewish girl would do!
Toot: Well, Marty and I wanted to get married someplace nice, and Clara was nice enough to offer us the use of her castle grounds for the wedding. (Mrs. Braunstein turns to Clara angrily.)
Mrs. Braunstein: Oh, I see. Clara, is it? I should have known there was a meddling shiksa behind this.
Clara: Shiksa? Not that it's important, Mrs. Braunstein, but how do you know I'm not Jewish like Toot?
Mrs. Braunstein: Please! With that nose?
Toot (in confessional): We really need to come up with a new way of stereotyping Jewish people.
Clara: Okay, fine, Mrs. Braunstein. You caught me. I'm not Jewish at all. I'm Catholic and proud of it!
Mrs. Braunstein: You're Catholic? Oy, vey! (Mrs. Braunstein does the sign of the cross.)
Clara: Wait a minute. That's OUR thing! What are you- are you making fun of me?
Toot: Mom, please don't be difficult. Clara's just trying to help.
Mrs. Braunstein: Trying to help me have a heart attack, maybe!
Toot: Keep provoking us and maybe she will!
Mrs. Braunstein: (turning to Foxxy) Oy, vey! Two shiksas! My own daughter is selling me out!
Foxxy: Not that it's any of your business, Mrs. Braunstein, but I'm very offended at your suggestion. You think that just cause I'm black, I can't be Jewish? Why, there's lots of black Jews! Just look at Sammy Davis, Jr!
Mrs. Braunstein: He converted, it doesn't count.
Foxxy: Or Lenny Kravitz.
Mrs. Braunstein: He's half white.
Foxxy: Or Whoopi Goldberg!
Mrs. Braunstein: Honey, when you start using the star of Jumping Jack Flash and Sister Act to make your points, you've lost the argument.
Foxxy: Yeah, well.... Toot eats ham!
Toot: HEY!
Foxxy: Sorry, I had to get those judgmental eyes off me!
Mrs. Braunstein: (looking at Toot angrily) We'll talk about this later, young lady. (Toot dismissively blows a raspberry. Mrs. Braunstein turns to Foxxy.) Now YOU, you so-called black Jew...
Foxxy: You know what, Mrs. Braunstein? I am not going to let myself get drawn into a stupid argument with you. I am going to go put on my wedding dress now and leave you to your bitching and nitpicking.
Foxxy walks away. Mrs. Braunstein points to her condescendingly.
Mrs. Braunstein: I don't think I care for that one.
Toot: Yeah, what else is new? Oh, by the way, Mom. I should go ahead and tell you right now. One of Marty's ushers- who by the way is also one of my housemates- is gay.
Mrs. Braunstein: Oh, my God! A faygele? (She puts her hand to her chest.) Yep, there it is. There's my heart attack. (She stumbles away.)
Clara: (to Toot) Toot, that seemed a little out of left field.
Toot: Oh, I knew she'd have a conniption when she found out later. That's why I thought I'd go ahead and mention it now so we can maybe try to get all the bitching out of the way.
Clara: Your mom isn't very open minded, is she?
Toot: Yeah, she's like you used to be before that one writer who really likes you got a hold of you.
Clara: I see what you mean.
Mrs. Braunstein: (rejoining the group) Okay, I'm better now.
Foxxy: And I'm better too. Cause I's in the process of walking away from y'all and getting into my sexy wedding outfit.
Mrs. Braunstein: The schwoogie who thinks she's a Jew just wants to walk away from things, go figure.
Foxxy: I never said I was- oh, never mind. Make fun of me all you want, I *am* walking away from you. (Foxxy walks away.)
Mrs. Braunstein: Fine, fine, whatever.
The camera follows Foxxy to a distant corner of the room. She looks back at Mrs. Braunstein with disgust and shakes her head. Not letting the woman get to her, Foxxy turns her attention to her own activities. She opens the box, gets out the dress, and holds it up to the light to look at it. She smiles proudly. The dress is like Clara's, except a little more form fitting. Foxxy smiles again, then quickly removes her outer garments and slides her body into the dress. A look of confusion crosses Foxxy's face as it takes her more of an effort to get into the dress than she was anticipating.
Foxxy: Now that's funny. I don't remember this dress being quite so tight on me in the shop. I wonder if they gave me the wrong size. (She walks over to where the others are standing.) Hey, Clara, when we was at the dress shop that day, did you-
Mrs. Braunstein: Well, well, well, would you look at that! It would appear that the Negro Hebrew is getting a bit fat!
Foxxy: I am not a Hebrew! (Toot and Clara look at Foxxy strangely.) And, um... I'm not fat neither. Am I, girls? (No response. Foxxy notices that Toot and Clara are looking at her midsection.) Girls?
Toot: No, Foxxy, you're not fat. Not fat at all.
Foxxy: Then why can't you take your eyes off my midsection?
Clara: Because, Foxxy, your body is just so smoking hot that we can't look away from it!
Foxxy: You know, if it had been Toot who said that, I might could have bought it. But Clara, you can't pull that one off at all.
Clara: Darn.
Toot: All right, Foxxy. Now I'm not saying that you've gotten FAT...
Foxxy: But?
Toot: But you do seem to... oh, what's a graceful way to put this? Be carrying a little extra baggage around your stomach area?
Foxxy: Oh, that's ridiculous, Toot. My body is in perfect shape! (Foxxy starts to wiggle out of the dress.) It's just that this dress is a little- (The dress now off, Foxxy looks down at her stomach.) Oh, my! (She quickly turns.) Sorry, Clara. (She looks back at herself.) I guess I am getting a little pudgy down there.
Clara: Foxxy, if I don't miss my guess, I do believe it appears that your pregnancy is starting to show a little.
Mrs. Braunstein: Pregnancy? Hold on a second! Toot, are you telling me that the kosher schwartza here is pregnant?
Toot: Mom, this is not the time!
Mrs. Braunstein: Are you even married?
Foxxy: No. But I *am* engaged!
Mrs. Braunstein: (putting her hand to her chest) Oy, vey, I can't believe this! It's my daughter's wedding and one of her bridesmaids is with child. A bastard child, no less!
Toot: Mom, stop it! This is REALLY not the time!
Mrs. Braunstein: And her other bridesmaid is Catholic! I honestly don't know which one is worse!
Toot: Mom, SHUT UP!
Mrs. Braunstein: Oh, this wedding is an abomination!
Toot (in confessional): Things were going downhill in a hurry. As refreshing as it was to see someone ELSE drawing the fat comments for a change, I had to put a stop to this right away.
Clara: Here, let me take care of this. (She takes Mrs. Braunstein's arm.) Here, Mrs. Braunstein, why don't you let me show you around the castle grounds? I'll show you where Toot will be having this abomination of a wedding of hers.
Toot (in confessional): Or Clara will do it. Whatever.
As Clara leads Mrs. Braunstein away, Toot turns to Foxxy.
Toot: Wow, Foxxy. I can't believe your pregancy is actually showing!
Foxxy: But... it can't be showing! Not now! We're supposed to go have ourselves photographed! I don't want my wedding photos to have a baby bump in them!
Toot: Well, that's no problem. I'll just have Betsy let out the dress a little bit. Just wear it loose like Clara's and nobody will even notice!
Foxxy: But... I was going to be all sexy and show everybody how great my body was in my sexy bridesmaid dress!
Toot: (sighing) Well... Foxxy, you can't really have it both ways.
Foxxy: I suppose not. (She sighs and nods.) Okay, fine. Let out the dress.
Toot: No problem. (She sees that Foxxy is still sad. Toot looks up to the sky questioningly.)
Toot (in confessional): Oh, and before I say this next thing that I'm about to say, I just want the record to show that I'm just saying it to make Foxxy feel better. If you assbags try to read ANY lesbian subtext into it, so help me God, I'll cut you!
Toot: Well, maybe your figure won't be as nice looking in that frumpy dress, but I'll tell you what. You'll still have the smokingest ass that was ever on these castle grounds!
Foxxy: (perking up) Well, thanks, Toot! Yeah, I guess I can still show people that sweet ass of mine.
Toot: You sure can! (Foxxy smiles.) But not too much, though. I mean, it is still MY wedding. Most of the attention should still be on ME.
Foxxy: Oh, of course, Toot. Of course!
Toot and Foxxy smile. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on another part of the castle. Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor are sitting around. Marty is in the corner talking on a cell phone.
Hero: Relative acts obnoxious... everyone takes a sip.
Spanky: Good, good. And if it's due to alcohol, everyone takes a drink.
Hero: Except the drunken relative.
Spanky: Yeah, they're drunk enough already.
Hero: Ethnic slurs... should that be a drink or just a sip?
Spanky: I think that's good enough for a full drink.
Hero: Done. Okay, potential mishaps. Somebody falls down, we take a sip.
Spanky: If they fall on their ass, though, that's a full drink. Okay, what about wedding cliches?
Hero: Ah, yes, we do need to cover those. Best man loses ring, that's a drink.
Spanky: Priest messes up the ritual, that's another drink.
Wooldoor: Hey!
Spanky: Sorry, Wooldoor, we have to cover our bases.
Hero: Bride gets cold feet at the last minute and runs out, drink the whole bottle.
Spanky: If she doesn't even show... drink two bottles!
Hero: Yeah! Now what's some other stuff that can happen? Oh, I know! Somebody falls face first into the cake.
Spanky: That's a bottle.
Hero: What if it's Toot?
Spanky: Okay half a bottle. Unless it's intentional. Then you don't drink anything.
Hero: Fair enough. Oh! And we take a sip for every naked breast that makes an appearance.
Spanky: What if it's one of Wooldoor's?
Hero: Full drink.
Spanky: Done! (Wooldoor looks confused.) Okay, what's next?
Hero: Potential incidents specific to the personalities of the particular individuals involved.
Spanky: Gotcha. Okay. Every time someone makes a short joke about the groom, that's a drink.
Hero: Spanky, you're the one who's going to be making all the short jokes.
Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.
Hero: If the maid of honor is late because I'm busy having sex with her, drink the whole bottle.
Spanky: The whole bottle? Dude... if you and Clara are having sex, we're going to be drinking everything in sight and then ordering more!
Hero: Wait. Clara's the maid of honor? I thought Foxxy was! (Spanky shakes his head.) So how much do we drink if I have sex with Foxxy?
Spanky: Nada.
Hero: Damn!
At that moment, Marty walks over to the group, still talking on his cell phone. He is very irritated.
Marty: (on phone) You've got to be kidding me! The Old West? How the hell can you be stuck in the Old West? You're supposed to be my best man in 24 hours! (He pauses for a moment.) Well, you should have thought of that before you built the damn thing! (Marty pauses again.) I know, I know. I'm sorry, too. All right, fine. I'll talk to you later, then. (Marty disconnects his call and turns to the others.)
Spanky: Bad news?
Marty: Yeah. The day before my wedding and my best man calls me to tell me he can't make it. Now what am I supposed to do?
Spanky: Yeah, I guess you'll just have to find somebody to take his place.
Marty: Now where am I going to find another best man at the last minute? (Spanky grins at Marty.) Oh dear God, no.
Spanky: Come on, Marty! We're pals, aren't we?
Marty: Are we?
Spanky: Hey, I threw you your bachelor party. And isn't throwing a bachelor party one of the duties of the best man?
Marty: I didn't ask you to throw me a party, Spanky, you took it upon yourself to do so. And you only did so in the first place because YOU wanted to see a stripper!
Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.
Marty: Forget it, Spanky. You don't care about me at all. All you care about is your own selfish needs. (Spanky is mildly offended.)
Hero: Yeah, Spanky! (Hero turns to Marty.) Marty, you're right. You need a best man who's loyal to you. Someone who values you as a friend. Someone who will do the very best he can to ensure that his good friend Marty-
Marty: You can't be it either, Hero!
Spanky: Well, geez, man! You've got to pick one of us!
Marty: Why?
Hero: Cause there's no one else left!
Spanky: So come on, Marty. What do you say? I promise I won't make any short jokes about you!
Hero: I promise too!
Spanky and Hero, both grinning, look at Marty. His eyes dart nervously between the two. Finally, he looks down and sighs.
Marty: I guess you guys are right. I do have to have a best man, and since my oldest friend can't make it, I guess it might as well be one of the guys I've been living with for the past year.
Spanky: Awesome! (He gets up and shakes Marty's hand.) You won't regret this, Marty! I'll be the best best man ever!
Marty: I didn't say it would be you, Spanky.
Hero: Awesome! (Hero turns and points at Spanky.) In your face, pig!
Marty: I didn't say it would be you either, Hero.
Wooldoor: (running up to Marty eagerly) Ooh! Marty!
Marty: What is it, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Can it be me?
Marty: You? But... you're performing the ceremony!
Wooldoor: Not a problem! (Wooldoor grasps his head with both hands in order to split himself in two. However, Marty stops him.)
Marty: No! No splitting!
Wooldoor: Awwwwww!
Spanky: So who's it going to be, Marty?
Hero: Yeah!
Marty: I don't know. I'll have to think about it.
Spanky: Well, you'd better decide soon, Marty. The wedding is tomorrow!
Marty: I know. Look, you guys, I need to go take a shower. We'll talk more about this at the rehearsal later, okay?
Hero: Okay!
Spanky: Sounds good!
Marty leaves the room.
Wooldoor: Oh, wow, guys! We're having a rehearsal? Are we gonna be in a play? Oh, I hope we do Barefoot in the Park, that's my favorite!
Spanky: No, Wooldoor, we're not going to be in a play. We're going to be rehearsing the wedding.
Wooldoor: I'd rather be in a play. (He looks at the guys.) You think if we talked to Toot, she'd let us roleplay characters for the wedding?
Hero: (sticking his hand up) I call Die Hard!
Wooldoor: Awwwww! I wanted to be Die Hard!
Hero: Wooldoor, you can be Die Hard's sidekick. Um... Badly Wounded. That's the character's name.
Spanky: Dude, that is wrong on so many levels.
As Hero and Wooldoor continue to create characters for their fake movie roles, Spanky shakes his head. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
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Raymond-Raymond
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Location: Nashville, TN
Karma: 0 | | DTBL episode 49: Party Politics
« Result #10 on Mar 27, 2009, 1:26am » | |
PARTY POLITICS
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see the women setting up for a party. A table sits over to the side with a large punch bowl in the center of it. There are party decorations all around. Small banners are hung on the walls expressing congratulations to Toot while a large banner is hung over the front door which reads, "Yes, everything in this house warrants a banner". All of the furniture has been pushed against the walls. In the middle of the floor are a bunch of sleeping bags and pillows.
Toot (in confessional): The day of my bachelorette party had finally arrived. And since Xandir had made some half-assed comment about me acting like a giddy 16-year-old, I decided to go with that and do the bachelorette party as a slumber party! It would be fun, and more importantly, it would be completely original!
Foxxy: (putting up decorations) Doing the bachelorette party as a slumber party is going to be fun, y'all! At least it was when my cousin had one.
Toot: Goddammit!
Toot walks back upstairs for a moment. As Foxxy begins hanging something from the ceiling, Clara walks in from the kitchen.
Clara: Well, guys, I've just put the cake in the oven. If my timing is correct, it should be finished just in time for- (She stops, startled by what she sees Foxxy doing.) Foxxy Shaquafafa Love- (she draws back in surprise)- wow, I actually got it right! (Her expression changes back to annoyance.) Foxxy Love, just what in God's sacred name do you think you're doing? (Spanky and Hero can be seen walking down the stairs.)
Foxxy: I'm just hanging up the penis mobile!
Hero: You know, I once had a car called-
Spanky: (flatly) You don't say.
Foxxy: Now, Clara, you can't go gettin' mad about the penis mobile. Remember, you promised Toot she could have one!
Clara: I know, Foxxy, I know. I guess I just didn't expect you to hang it so... prominently!
Spanky: Well, Clara, with a big penis, you don't really have much choice where you hang it!
Clara turns to glare at Spanky. At that moment, Toot walks back downstairs. She sees the mobile being put up. She becomes excited.
Toot: Ooh! My penis! (Without missing a beat, Toot immediately turns around and slugs Spanky in the stomach. He clutches himself in pain.)
Spanky: Hey! What the hell was that for? I didn't say anything!
Toot: Pre-emptive strike. (Toot walks over to the mobile.) It looks beautiful, Foxxy! Nice and huge!
Foxxy: I modeled it after Captain Hero's!
Hero: That's funny. I don't remember posing for that.
Wooldoor: (appearing on the stairs behind Hero and Spanky) I helped her with the details.
Hero: Well, you did a great job. It looks just like me!
Wooldoor: Thanks!
Clara: Well, now that I've seen this, I guess I don't need to see Captain Hero naked ever again.
Foxxy: Cause now you can conjure up the image any time you want?
Clara: Sure, let's go with that. (At that moment, the doorbell rings.)
Delivery man: (outside door) Bakery!
Toot: (becoming excited) Ooh! That must be my cake!
Clara: (stunned) Cake? What the-
As Clara stands stunned, Toot rushes past her and opens the door. The delivery man hands her a box, which Toot signs for. As the delivery man leaves, Toot closes the door and turns to the others eagerly.
Clara: Toot, why in God's name did you order a cake? I'M baking a cake!
Toot: Not like this one you're not! (Foxxy is excited, but Clara is decidedly less so. Toot opens the box to show the girls the cake.)
Clara: Good God... a penis cake? What is it with you two and penises?
Foxxy: Don't knock 'em till you've tried one, Clara!
Clara: Hey, I've tried one! (Foxxy and Toot look at Clara skeptically.)
Ling-Ling (in confessional): (Completely unamused, Ling-Ling glares at the camera for a moment before he finally speaks.) Joke getting old, people. Seriously!
Wooldoor: Ooh! (He rushes over to where the girls are standing.) Did they model the cake after Captain Hero's penis too?
Toot: No, Wooldoor. The cake, unlike the mobile, was not modeled after Captain Hero's penis.
Wooldoor: (looking at the cake) Are you sure? Cause the part of the cake where the balls hang down kinda looks like-
Hero: I wonder if I should start locking the door when I shower.
Spanky: He'd still find a way.
Clara: So now we're going to have two cakes? That seems like a bit of a waste.
Toot: Oh, don't worry, Clara. They'll get eaten.
Clara: (looking at the cake) Oh, nice. It's a CHOCOLATE penis cake.
Foxxy: They don't make 'em this size in vanilla, Clara.
Toot: We did have them decorate the tip with pink icing, though.
Clara: Lovely. (She sighs.) I just wish you guys had told me you were going to be ordering a cake before I went to all the trouble of baking one myself.
Toot: Would you have approved me ordering a penis cake if I had asked?
Clara: No.
Toot: Well, that's why I didn't tell you!
Clara: It just seems like as your maid of honor, *I* should be the one running the show here. Isn't that what a maid of honor is supposed to do?
Toot: Yeah, but... you still gotta answer to the bride. And that's me!
Clara looks down, mildly frustrated. At that moment, Wooldoor rushes in from the kitchen.
Wooldoor: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! (Everyone looks at Wooldoor strangely, seemingly wanting to ask him how he suddenly ended up in the kitchen after standing amongst them just moments earlier.) Yeah, I'm all over the place in this scene. (He holds out an envelope.) I found this in the kitchen. Was this supposed to have been mailed out? (Toot takes the envelope.)
Toot: Oh my God! It's my cousin Betty's invitation to the slumber party! I completely forgot to send it! (She looks at the others.) But that's okay. As it turns out, she can't come anyway. Apparently you can't fly during your third trimester.
Foxxy: Didn't she have her tubes tied last year?
Toot: Yeah. But they came unraveled again.
Clara: Hold on a second. Let me see that! (She grabs the invitation away from Toot and looks at it. She becomes angry.) These are NOT the invitations I picked out!
Toot: Uh, yeah. Um... the invitations you picked out were really dorky, Clara, so I got different ones.
Clara: My invitations were very nice! They had happy clowns on them.
Toot: Hey, my invitations have clowns on them too!
Clara: On my invitations, the clowns weren't naked! And they were happy in a completely different way from what yours are!
Toot: Well, I didn't think they fit the occasion, so as the bride, I overruled you. So there. (She sticks her tongue out at Clara. Clara looks down in annoyance. Marty and Ling-Ling enter the scene from upstairs and join the guys.)
Foxxy: Anyway, y'all, it's getting about time for the party to start. We'd best be getting dressed.
Toot: Don't you mean... undressed? (She giggles.)
Clara: We'll be wearing pajamas, Toot. NOT going naked.
Toot: That's what I meant, Clara. Although if I wanted to, I *could*-
Clara: I'm not letting you overrule me on this one, Toot!
Toot: Fine.
Spanky: All right! Time for the party to start! (He turns to the others.) You guys got your nighties on?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling thought he go naked, if that okay. He exempt from Carla clothing rule.
Foxxy: (walking over to the guys) Ohhhhhh no, you don't!
Ling-Ling: Fine. Ling-Ling guess he can put on nightie too.
Clara: That's not what she means, Ling-Ling.
Wooldoor: I have this new teddy I've been wanting to try out.
Foxxy: What I meant was, it's a slumber party, y'all. No guys allowed.
Guys: (in unison) Awwwwwwww!
Spanky: Fine. We'll leave you girls alone so you can have your little slumber party.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Hero: Yeah. We'll have so much more fun than you guys will tonight!
Clara: Oh, I don't doubt that!
Marty: Yeah, it's no big deal. We'll just go to a bar or something.
At that moment, Spanky and Hero both grin. They walk up to Marty, Hero standing on his right and Spanky standing on his left. They each put an arm on Marty's shoulder and look at him, grinning.
Spanky: Actually... we have something even better in mind.
Marty: Oh, dear God. We're not going to play that stupid swords and sorcerers game again, are we?
Hero: Even better!
Marty: You know what? I'm just going to pre-empt this right now. You guys go do whatever fun thing you have planned. I'll just spend the night in my room watching TV or something.
Spanky: Oh, we can't let you do that, Marty! This entire event depends on your presence!
Spanky and Hero continue to look at Marty and grin. Marty sighs, resigning himself to his fate. He closes his eyes and hangs his head. Hero and Spanky both laugh. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes back to the living room. The guys are now gone. The girls have all changed into their sleepwear. Toot stands fiddling with the mobile.
Toot: Hmmm... no, I think it would look better over here. (She adjusts the mobile to the side a little.) No, on second thought, I like it better the other way. (She adjusts it again.) Hmmm... now that I'm standing here looking at it, I think it's strung up too high. Maybe I should pull it down a little. (Toot begins pulling on the mobile.)
Clara: (turning around) Toot, will you please quit playing with your penis and come over here and help us?
Toot: Just a second, Clara! I just want to make sure that my penis looks right for the big night! (She takes another look at the mobile.) You know, I wonder if maybe it should be bigger...
Foxxy: Toot...
Toot: Fine, fine, I'll leave it alone. (She walks over to where Clara and Foxxy are standing. Clara is holding a large metal tub.) So what are we doing here?
Clara: This is the tub for the apple bobbing. While I'm setting this up for tonight, could you help me out by going and getting the apples?
Toot: Oh, yeah, um... about that. We kinda don't have any more apples.
Clara: No more apples? What happened to them?
Toot: I ate them.
Clara: You ate them? Toot, didn't you know we were going to have apple bobbing tonight?
Toot: Yeah, actually, I did, Clara. And I didn't really want to do apple bobbing, so I just went ahead and ate them all.
Clara: Oh, good Lord. You overruled me AGAIN?
Toot: Well, Clara, the only reason I overrule all your suggestions is because they're all totally lame!
Clara: So now what are we going to do for fun here tonight?
Foxxy: It's okay, Clara. We've still got Truth or Dare to look forward to!
Clara: I never said anything about playing Truth or Dare.
Toot: Yeah, I was the one who decided we were going to do that. (to Foxxy) Doesn't Truth or Dare sound a whole lot more fun than apple bobbing?
Foxxy: It depends on where we's allowed to put the apples.
Clara: Fine. This is your night, do what you want.
Toot: Thanks, Clara, I will! (At that moment, the doorbell rings.) Ooh! My first guest! (Toot runs to the door and eagerly opens it. However, there is nobody there.) What the hell? Is somebody pranking us again? Goddammit, I bet it's the guys! (While Toot is still standing with the door open, the doorbell rings again. Toot still cannot see anybody. She begins to look thoroughly confused.) What the-
Toot looks down at the doorbell. A finger attached to a seemingly disembodied hand is ringing the bell. Toot realizes what is going on. She grabs the hand and pulls it toward her. From around the side of the house comes Unusually Flexible Girl. She is dressed in green PJs.
UFG: Ta da! I thought I'd use my stretchy powers to freak you out!
Toot: Yeah, yeah, really clever there, stretchy girl. So anyway, come on in and join the party. Looks like you're the first guest.
UFG: Oh, I'm so excited. I love being first! (UFG eagerly goes inside the house. She sees Clara and Foxxy, then turns back to Toot.) Hey, I thought you said I was first! Clara and Foxxy are already here!
Toot: Well, you're the first among people who don't actually live here.
UFG: Oh. Okay, then. (UFG turns and waves at Clara and Foxxy. Clara and Foxxy wave back. UFG kicks her fuzzy slippers off, then goes to the center of the room and sits down on top of a green sleeping bag seemingly designated for her. She looks at the others excitedly.) So what kind of slumber party is this going to be? Like a high school slumber party or a college slumber party?
Foxxy: A women in their mid to late 20s slumber party.
UFG: Booze?
Toot: Of course.
UFG: Works for me! (The doorbell rings again.)
Clara: I'll get this one. (Clara walks over to the door and opens it.) Bleh, wearing a football jersey and pajama bottoms with tiny footballs on them, and Reunitee, wearing PJs with a maroon top and pink bottoms along with white fuzzy slippers, are standing on the step talking.) Hey, guys!
Bleh: Just a minute, Clara. (to Reunitee) And the next thing you know, everyone in the free world is under the impression that I'm a chronic bedwetter! I mean, where do they GET these ideas from?
Reunitee: They don't understand. None of them do.
Bleh: Did I ever tell you about this mean thing my cousin used to do to me? Well, back when I was still retarded, I had a bit of a drooling problem. So this one time, she put a lampshade on my head and tried to pretend that I was a lamp and the drool was a cord! I mean, how dorky can you be?
Clara: (glaring at Bleh) That was me, Bleh.
Bleh: I know, Clara. (She turns back to Reunitee.) So anyway, what was that you were saying about incorporating your husband's glasses into your sex play?
Clara, sensing she is being ignored, closes the door and walks away. Bleh opens the door and walks in while continuously maintaining her conversation with Reunitee. They kick off their slippers and sit down in the floor and begin talking to UFG. Clara walks back over to Foxxy and Toot.
UFG: Oh, you incoporated the bow tie too? Nice!
Clara: Well, guys, it looks like our guests are here. I guess the party can finally start. (At that moment, a booming voice can be heard from upstairs.)
Xandir: Hold on a second, guys! The guests AREN'T all here... (The women turn toward the top of the stairs. Xandir suddenly appears on the stairs. He is wearing the same nightgown he wore in "Xandir and Tim", along with curlers in his hair.)... until NOW, that is! (Xandir rushes down the stairs past Clara, Foxxy, and Toot, and runs to the center of the room giddily.) So what are we going to do first, you guys? Truth or Dare?
Clara: Okay, Xandir. We'll play Truth or Dare. I dare you to go take a flying-
Foxxy: (cutting Clara off) Now, Clara... there ain't no need to be hostile. Xandir has a perfect right to be here.
Clara: No, he doesn't, Foxxy! This party is for girls only! Xandir's a guy! (Foxxy looks at Clara.) Point taken.
Foxxy: Of course you can stay and join in our slumber party, Xandir. You is most welcome here.
Xandir: Yayyyyyy!
Xandir sits down in the center of the room amongst all the sleeping bags. Clara, Foxxy, and Toot walk over and sit down also.
Toot: So what ARE we going to do first, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Why... the same thing we do at the beginning of every slumber party, of course!
Toot: Compare boxes?
Foxxy: That's right!
Xandir: (scrambling to his feet) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He takes off back upstairs.)
Bleh: Wow, what got into him?
Foxxy: Who knows? Anyway, let's get our boxes out. (The girls each pull out a fancy gift-wrapped present.) Now this is an especially pretty box, I think. I just love the wrapping paper they used. Don't y'all?
The scene changes to an empty hotel room in another part of town. We see the doorknob slowly turn. The door opens slightly. A meek-looking young man in a matronly robe peers from behind the door.
Norman: Marion? Marion, are you there? Huh. I guess I must have the wrong room.
The young man slinks away. As soon as he is gone, Spanky bursts through the door, followed by Hero, Wooldoor, Ling-Ling, and a very reluctant (and blindfolded) Marty.
Spanky: All right! Here we are! Partyville, USA!
Marty: Can I take this blindfold off now?
Spanky: Yeah, I guess it would be all right. (Spanky nods to Hero, who turns and removes Marty's blindfold. Marty looks around the hotel room unimpressed.)
Marty: Seriously, you guys... this? THIS is what you felt you had to keep secret from me?
Hero: Well, we didn't want to spoil the surprise!
Marty: Yeah, if I had known about THIS ahead of time, it would have totally taken the fun out of it.
Spanky: Now, then, Marty, I bet you're wondering why we dragged you here?
Marty: You're going to butt rape me?
Spanky: Even better! Marty... you're about to get married, right?
Marty: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may get me roped into something I'd really rather not be a part of.
Hero: And Marty, you know what generally happens to the groom right before his wedding?
Marty: Oh, God, no, you're not. (He sighs.) Goddammit, you guys, I told you I don't want a bachelor party!
Hero: But there's gonna be a naked woman!
Spanky: Marty, don't you want one last chance to get wild and have fun with a naked woman before you chain yourself to Toot forever?
Marty: No! Believe it or not, I don't need any of that! Being married to Toot is all I need to be happy.
Hero: Toot is having a bachelor party.
Marty: I don't care. Toot can do what she wants. I just know that *I* don't have any particular interest in seeing another woman naked
Spanky: Well, we do! And WE are not going to let you cheat us out of this opportunity!
Marty: Fine, then. YOU guys have fun with your stripper. I'm going home.
Marty starts to walk out, but Hero grabs him. He and Marty face each other. Hero looks at Marty threateningly.
Spanky: I don't think you understand the way this works, Marty. You see, normally, if we decided we wanted to have fun with a stripper, our women would get mad at us. But... it's okay for us to look at naked women as long as it's in the context of a bachelor party. And once you walk out that door, it ceases being a bachelor party and turns into... well... a bunch of guys in a hotel room fooling around with a stripper.
Marty: Spanky, do you even HAVE a girlfriend?
Spanky: Actually, I'm married. (He pauses.) Sometimes. (He pauses again.) It was a common-law marriage. (He pauses again.) It's off and on. (He pauses again.) But this is not about me. (He turns to the rest of the group.) It's about Wooldoor.
Marty: (in disbelief) Wooldoor?
Spanky: Now if I look at a naked woman, I have to answer to my wife. Or not. Whatever. If Hero looks at a naked woman, he has to answer to Foxxy. Ling-Ling has to answer to Clara. But Wooldoor... if HE looks at a naked woman, he has to answer not only to his girlfriend, Unusually Flexible Girl, but he ALSO has to answer to Clara! And she'd be a lot harder on him than she would on Ling-Ling!
Marty: Why?
Wooldoor: I'm a minor. She thinks stuff like that corrupts my soul.
Marty: If you're a minor, what are you even doing at a bachelor party in the first place?
Spanky: Aha! So you admit that this is a bachelor party, then! Game on, my friend! Let's bring on the stripper! (The room is silent for a moment. Everyone looks around confused.) Um...
Wooldoor: She's not here yet, Spanky.
Spanky: Oh. Then I guess we'd better wait for her.
Wooldoor: Oh! I know! While we're waiting, let's play Truth or Dare!
Spanky: All right. Wooldoor, I dare you to suck my-
Wooldoor: No way, Spanky! I choose truth!
Spanky: Okay. Wooldoor... truth or dare. And you've already chosen truth, so you're obligated to answer this question honestly. Wooldoor, where does Ling-Ling keep his naked photos of Clara?
Ling-Ling: Objection!
Hero: You can't object, Ling-Ling! It's not your turn yet! (At that moment, there is a knock at the door.)
Ling-Ling: Oh, thank God, it stripper here!
Spanky: All right! Time for the party to really get going!
Spanky walks over to the door and opens it. In the doorway stands none other than Denise, wearing her usual bored expression.
Denise: You guys hire me to strip?
Wooldoor: We sure did!
Denise: (flatly) Great.
Denise walks into the room. She sets her bag down and pulls out a chair.
Hero: All right! She's going to start with a chair dance!
Denise proceeds to kick off her shoes and promptly sits down in the chair. The guys are confused. Denise grabs a newspaper on the table and begins reading it.
Spanky: Um, Denise... what are you doing?
Denise: What do you think I'm doing? I'm doing what you paid me to do.
Spanky: We paid you to take your clothes off. Not just your shoes.
Denise: Calm down, okay? I'll take the other stuff off too. When I'm ready for it.
The guys continue to stare in disbelief. Marty grows slightly more frustrated. The scene changes back to the girls' party. The girls are sitting around in a circle.
Bleh: Okay, Toot... truth or dare.
Toot: Truth.
Bleh: Who was the first celebrity you ever had a crush on?
Toot: Oh, God... do I have to say it?
Foxxy: That's kinda the point behind the whole "truth" part.
Toot: All right, all right. The first celebrity I ever had a crush on was... Mr. Peanut. (The other girls begin to chuckle. Toot blushes.)
Reunitee: Mr. Peanut?
Toot: Well, I can't help it! I love peanuts and he just seemed so... suave. So distinguished. He seemed like the kind of guy who would take a girl out for a fancy night on the town... (the other women sigh happily) ... and then bring you back home and shag your brains out!
Clara: Maybe THAT explains Foxxy's language skills! (Foxxy looks at Clara unamused.)
Toot: Of course, now that I think about it, he WAS awfully phallic-shaped. That probably had something to do with it.
Clara: Hey! I just thought of something! (The girls look at Clara.) Mr. Peanut seems like he was pretty shy. Do you think you could have gotten him to... come out of his shell? (Clara starts to laugh. None of the others do. Clara stops.) Oh, come on, people. I'm trying!
Toot: Okay, who's next?
Clara: (holding her hand up) Oh, I've got one! (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy... truth or dare.
Foxxy: (smiling) Dare.
Clara: Foxxy, I *dare* you to... start going to church every week and quit being such a whore! (Foxxy sighs.) What?
Toot: Okay, let's move onto someone else now. (She turns to UFG.) Stretchy girl... truth or dare.
UFG: Truth.
Toot: What's the freakiest thing you've ever used your stretchy powers to do... sexwise, I mean?
UFG: Oh, well, that's easy. I just contort my cherry into a-
Clara: Hey, you know what? I have an idea. UFG, just for me... why don't you take the dare instead?
UFG: (slightly confused, but willing to play along) The dare? Okay. (She looks at Toot.) Toot, I guess I'll take the dare.
Toot: All right. Stretchy girl, I *dare* you to... reenact the freakiest thing you've ever used your stretchy powers to do sexwise!
As UFG begins to pull her pajama bottoms down, Clara covers her face. Foxxy interrupts.
Foxxy: Now hold on just a second! Unusually Flexible Girl, if I might ask... who exactly was it you was doing that freaky stuff WITH?
UFG: (stopping) Uhhh... sorry, Foxxy, but no, you can't ask.
Foxxy: It was Captain Hero, wasn't it? (UFG is silent.) That's what I thought.
UFG: I... really don't think it's relevant who I was doing it with.
Foxxy: Nice try, Miss Goldberg. You think you and Captain Hero was freakier with the sex than he and I was and now you's just trying to rub it in my face!
Clara: (covering her face again) Oh God, THAT put an image in my head.
Foxxy: Well, I'll have you know that he and I is WAY more freakier than you two was! You want to hear about some of the things that he and *I* do? (Clara looks fearful.) Hero and *I*-
At that moment, the doorbell rings.
Clara: Oh, thank God! (Clara gets up and dashes over to the door and opens it. On the doorstep stands the talking banana wearing a police uniform.) Wooldoor? You're a cop now?
Banana: I'm not Wooldoor! I'm Sergeant Stripper! (He immediately covers his mouth in embarrassment.) Oops! I gave it away!
Clara sighs in frustration. Toot quickly gets up and scurries over to the door.
Toot: Oh, my God! He's here, everyone! The stripper's here!
Clara: Toot... what the hell? I did not authorize there being a stripper for this party!
Toot: I know you didn't. But I overruled you again. (Toot takes the banana by the hand and leads him inside.) I forgot to tell you to bring a boom box, but that's okay. We'll provide the music. (She walks over to the stereo.) Do you have a particular song you want to strip to?
Banana: Nah, just put on what you want. I'll make it work.
Toot: Okay!
Toot pushes a button on the stereo. "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" begins to play. The banana begins to dance. Toot sits back down and begins to enjoy the show with the other girls. Clara sighs and rejoins the group. She sits down next to Toot. The banana continues to dance and strip. Everyone is into it except Clara. Clara shrugs and turns to Toot.
Clara: Well, Toot, for what it's worth, I think you made a good choice in strippers.
Toot: Yeah?
Clara: Yeah. This stripper really has... appeal! (Clara chuckles. Toot just stares at her.) What? (Toot returns her eyes to the dancing banana. His top is off and he is waving it around like a cowboy waving a lariat. The girls cheer. Clara turns to Toot again.) Seriously, though, Toot, good choice.
Toot: Thanks!
Clara: I'm glad you hired this guy and not someone... well... fruity! (Clara tries to keep herself from laughing, but she can't help but snicker at her own joke. Toot glares at her again. Clara again looks at her in confusion.)
Toot: Does Xandir write your jokes now?
Clara: (turning back around) Never mind. (She mutters under her breath.) God. A talking banana? This has got to be the worst stripper ever!
Cut back to the guys. Spanky and Hero are sitting on the bed, both of them motionless and completely dumbfounded. The camera pans out to reveal that Denise, now completely naked, is sitting playing cards with Marty, Wooldoor, and Ling-Ling. Of the bunch, only Wooldoor is smiling. He is looking at Denise, who does not seem to notice him.
Denise: (laying her cards down) Read 'em and weep, guys! Full house!
Marty: (throwing his cards down) Crap. I'm out.
Ling-Ling: (throwing his cards down) Ling-Ling out too.
Marty: What about you, Wooldoor? (Wooldoor does not answer.) Wooldoor? (Wooldoor continues to stare at Denise. Marty shakes Wooldoor to snap him out of it.) Wooldoor, what cards do you have?
Wooldoor: Oh, cards? Are we playing cards? (He suddenly realizes.) Oh, that's right! (He lays his cards down.) I have a three of hearts, a four of spades, a jack of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a seven of spades. Do I win?
Denise: No. I won.
Wooldoor: Oh well. Guess I'll just go back to staring at your boobies again!
Denise: Why not, it's a free country. And by free, I mean pre-paid.
The four go back to playing cards. The camera pans over to Spanky and Hero on the bed. Spanky is hanging his head while Hero just sits there.
Spanky: God... I can't believe this.
Hero: I know.
Spanky: This is the worst bachelor party ever! The groom's not into it... the stripper's REALLY not into it!
Hero: Wooldoor seems to be enjoying it.
Spanky: Yeah, well, that's just because he isn't old enough yet to realize how much this sucks! (Spanky sighs and gets up. He walks over to Denise.) You're not much of a stripper. I hope you know that.
Denise: I took my clothes off. What more do you want?
Spanky: Well, for one thing, you're supposed to take them off all sexy! You don't just casually discard them like you're changing for work. And besides- (He walks over to a pole in the center of the room.) You haven't even made use of this special pole I had installed!
Denise: You didn't pay me to dance around, Spanky. You paid me to strip. Well, I stripped.
Spanky sighs and sits back down on the bed. The card game continues.
Wooldoor: I don't know what you're so upset about, Spanky. At least she's still naked!
Spanky: Wooldoor, if all I cared about was seeing this chick naked, I'd just visit her website! (He ponders for a moment.) I wish I had my computer with me right now. Even a virtual stripper would be better than this!
Hero nods. Spanky continues to sulk. The game continues.
Denise: Okay, Wooldoor, it's your turn. How many cards do you want?
Wooldoor: You have nice boobies.
Denise: Thank you, Wooldoor. I'll take that to mean you're going to stay?
Wooldoor: You bet I am!
Denise: How about you, Ling-Ling? (She looks in the direction of Ling-Ling's seat. He isn't there.) Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: (from under the table) What?
Denise: It's your turn.
Ling-Ling: Um... Marty can go ahead. Ling-Ling busy... um... looking at something.
Wooldoor: But Ling-Ling, you can't possibly see Denise's boobies from under the table!
Ling-Ling: That not what Ling-Ling looking at!
Marty: (hanging his head down) Oh, God.
Ling-Ling's head pops out from under the table next to Denise.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think filthy stripper whore lower parts look very nice, but if she interested in having Ling-Ling help her look better down below, here Ling-Ling card, he give her good rate. Offer good discount on pedicure/massage!
Denise: (nonchalantly taking the card) Thanks.
Hero: Well, looks like Wooldoor and Ling-Ling are both enjoying Denise's naked body... albeit not the same parts of said naked body. (He pauses for a moment.) Albeit not the part of her naked body I'D enjoy if it was my choice.
Spanky: God... if only there hadn't been a stupid stripper convention out of town this week... maybe I could have actually gotten somebody good!
Denise: I don't have to listen to this, you know. I have other things I could be doing.
Spanky: What? Whoring yourself out at the candy store?
Denise: No. As a matter of fact, I was invited to a party tonight. But I turned it down because I thought you guys really needed me.
Spanky: You mean because we paid you to come.
Denise: No, you gotta cough up much bigger bucks for that. (At that moment, a thought pops into Hero's head.)
Spanky: Blah, blah, blah, whatever. (He gets up and walks over to Denise.) Tell you what. (He pulls out some money.) If I give you an extra hundred, can we get rid of these losers and the two of us just-
Hero: Denise?
Denise: Yeah?
Hero: What party is this that you were invited to?
Denise: I dunno, some slumber party at that big house three blocks over. (Except for Wooldoor, who continues to stare at Denise's breasts, the guys all perk up.) It didn't really seem like my thing. (Spanky begins to grin.) Hell, I'd still go... if somebody was willing to pay me. But I somehow doubt a bunch of giggly girls would have much use for my services.
Spanky and Hero get up and stand next to Denise, each standing on one side of her.
Hero: Hey, Denise? (She looks at them.)
Spanky: How about if WE paid you to go?
Denise looks at them skeptically. Spanky continues to grin.
The scene changes back to the party. On the table, we see a plate with a bunch of crumbs, the remains of the penis cake. The women are finishing their snacks.
Bleh: Wow, Toot! Your penis was tasty!
Toot: Thanks, I know!
UFG: Yeah, the penis cake was good. I just kind of wish you'd gone with another flavor besides chocolate.
Foxxy: (standoffish) Why? Did you want one that looked like Captain Hero's penis?
UFG: I didn't mean anything, Foxxy. You don't have to interpret everything I say as a veiled reference to Captain Hero's penis.
Foxxy: You still want him, don't you? (UFG is shocked.)
UFG: Foxxy, all I said was that I don't really care for chocolate cake. I'm just talking about cake, okay?
Foxxy: Mmm hmmm.
Clara: Guys, guys! There's no need to fight. There's plenty of cake for everybody!
Foxxy: Oh now do YOU want a piece of Captain Hero now too, Clara?
Clara: No, I just mean... oh, never mind. I'm going to go to the kitchen for a moment.
As Foxxy and UFG continue to glare at each other, Clara gets up and leaves the room. Toot walks over to Bleh, who is looking at the penis mobile.
Toot: It's nice, isn't it?
Bleh: Yeah, it is.
Toot: You know, originally, we were going to have a penis pinata.
Reunitee: Oh, that would have been great!
Bleh: Yeah, we could have all taken turns whacking it!
The scene changes to Clara entering the kitchen. She walks over to the oven and opens it. She smiles.
Clara: Perfect!
Clara puts on an oven mitt and pulls a large fancy cake out of the oven. Clara continues beaming.
Clara: Oh, this is just the most beautiful cake ever! Once they taste this baby, they'll forget all about Toot's stupid penis cake! (Still smiling, Clara puts the cake on a tray. She picks it up. However, as soon as she does so, she shrieks.) Oh, my God!
Toot dashes in from the living room.
Toot: What's wrong, Clara?
Clara: My cake! My beautiful cake! Just look at it!
The camera cuts to an overhead shot of the cake. The top of the cake depicts a happy wedding scene with two birds holding a banner that reads "Congratulations Toot!". However, the birds holding the banner have been given very prominent erections, while the frosting design of the bride and groom has been altered to show them having sex. Additionally, underneath the words "Congratulations Toot!", the words "Now go get you some nasty!" can now be seen in small letters. Clara turns to Toot angrily.
Toot: Oh, yeah. The design you had on the cake was... how can I put this... way too Disney. So I spiced it up a bit! You know. Made it fun.
Clara: Toot, I slaved and slaved all afternoon over this cake because I wanted it to be perfect!
Toot: Well, Clara, the cake still tastes the same. I just made it look a little nicer!
Clara: Toot, you didn't make it look nicer! It was a beautiful cake... and now you've ruined it!
Toot: Well, sorry! I didn't know some fruity bird design was so important to you! (Clara does a slow burn. Toot stands looking at her, not knowing what to say.) Clara? You okay?
Clara: You know what, Toot? I don't know why you even bothered making me your maid of honor when you're just going to dump on every decision I make. Well, you know what? Since you're so intent on choosing every damn little thing about this whole affair, you can just keep on doing it. I hereby resign my position as maid of honor!
With this, Clara storms out. Toot looks after her sorrowfully.
Toot: Clara? Clara, I'm sorry. Clara?
Toot runs into the living room, intent on chasing after Clara. As soon as her feet cross the threshold, she is greeted with an ugly scene.
UFG: Foxxy, you have to quit being so damn paranoid! You're the one who's with Captain Hero now, not me! I should think that would be enough for you!
Foxxy: Maybe. But it sure don't seem to be enough for you, does it?
UFG: (turning around in frustration) God! (She is on the verge of tears.) I don't know how you can act like this, Foxxy! If it was me getting married to Captain Hero... (she begins to cry)... and having his baby-
The facade cracks. UFG breaks down crying. Foxxy's expression changes. She walks over to UFG.
Foxxy: Is that what this is about, Unusually Flexible Girl? Me and Hero getting married?
UFG: I tried and tried to get him to marry me and he never would! But somehow when YOU come along... whoa, different story!
Foxxy: Mandy, I don't-
UFG: And not only that, this isn't even your bachelorette party! (UFG points to Toot.) It's hers! Both of you are getting married before me! Hell, Clara's married already! So that's three of you! (She turns to Bleh and Reunitee.) And what about you guys? Are you married?
Reunitee: Um... I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I might leave myself open to the possibility of getting my ass kicked.
UFG: That answers that question. And what about you, Bleh?
Bleh: Me? No! I'm not married! I don't even have a boyfriend right now! (UFG begins to calm down.)
UFG: Oh. Well, that's good. So maybe I'm not so desperate after all.
Bleh: Of course, I am ten years younger than you. (UFG begins to bawl again. The others look at Bleh in annoyance. Bleh becomes embarrassed.)
Foxxy: Mandy, why do you think you're so desperate, anyway? You're dating Wooldoor, aren't you?
UFG: Well, yeah, but... he's still so young! It'll be a few more years before he's even at the age of consent, let alone old enough for us to get married or anything!
Foxxy: So... you're dating a man who's younger than you? I mean, really, really, really younger than you? (UFG nods, confused.) So how desperate could you be, then, if you're still capable of landing a guy who's young, hot, and just beginning to enter the prime of his life?
UFG: (her tears beginning to dry) Hey, yeah! I'm not desperate at all! I'm dating jailbait right now! You know what that makes me?
Bleh: A cougar?
UFG starts bawling again and runs from the room. Foxxy and Toot glare at Bleh. Toot turns to Foxxy.
Toot: Well, Foxxy... despite all the penises, it does appear that this party has gone south.
Foxxy: Yeah, it looks like it has. (At that moment, the doorbell rings.)
Toot: (flatly) Oh joy. Who could this be now?
Foxxy: Maybe it's the guys.
Toot: Don't be silly. The guys hired a stripper. Marty texted me from the hotel room to tell me about it.
Foxxy: And you're okay with that?
Toot: Why not? That's what they do at bachelor parties. And besides... (Toot gestures toward the penis mobile, then the naked banana stripper, then the remains of the penis cake)... I'm not really in much of a position to criticize.
Foxxy: True.
Toot: Besides, I really got the impression that Marty wasn't enjoying it that much.
Foxxy: I wonder why that would be.
Toot: Who knows? But the guys are surely still in the hotel room with their stripper. There's no way they could be here! (The doorbell rings again.)
Foxxy: Well, SOMEBODY'S here.
Toot: I'll get it. (Toot walks over to the door and opens it. She looks confused.) Hello, can I help you?
Denise: Yes, I was invited to this party here. My name's Denise.
Toot: Denise? I don't- (she realizes) Oh, right! The whore from the candy store!
Denise: Right, that's me.
Foxxy: Toot, why did you invite the whore from the store to your slumber party?
Toot: I thought that maybe we could sit around telling naughty stories, and I'm sure that she'd have some good ones she could share.
Foxxy: Toot, Clara specifically said that you couldn't- (Toot looks at Foxxy.) You overruled her again, didn't you?
Toot: Yeah, pretty much. Speaking of Clara... I've got to go. I'll catch you guys later, okay?
Foxxy: Toot, what the hell is you- (Toot ignores Foxxy and scampers out.) Okay, never mind. (Foxxy turns to Denise.) So how can we help you?
Denise: You got me!
Foxxy: Well, feel free to come in and make yourself at home.
Denise: Don't mind if I do. (Denise enters the living room. She immediately kicks her shoes off again, then proceeds to start removing her top. Foxxy stops her.)
Foxxy: Um, that's okay. You don't have to do that here. Nobody's hiring you to whore.
Banana: (suddenly appearing next to the pair) Speak for yourself! (The banana reaches into his G-string and pulls out a huge wad of bills.) I'll give you everything I made tonight if you'll do me!
Denise: Yeah, sure, why not. (Denise grabs the banana's hand and takes him upstairs. Foxxy stands staring in confusion.)
The scene changes to the back yard. The guys are standing around outside.
Hero: Spanky, are you sure this will work?
Spanky: Of course it will, guys! Denise seems to have succeeded in infiltrating the party like we planned. Now all she has to do is come around to the back and unlock the door, and we are in!
Wooldoor: Wow, Spanky! Crashing the girls' party was a great idea!
Spanky: It is, isn't it? And best of all-
In a flash, Hero grabs Spanky from behind and covers his mouth.
Hero: I am not gonna let you jinx this for us this time, Spanky! (Spanky begins to cough. Hero releases him.)
Spanky: Fair enough.
Wooldoor: So now what do we do?
Spanky: We wait, Wooldoor. We wait.
The guys stand silent for a moment, just waiting. A few seconds pass. Nothing happens. Wooldoor looks at his watch impatiently, then looks back up. The guys look around at each other apprehensively.
Spanky: Don't worry, you guys. She'll be here any minute.
The scene changes to Hero in the confessional. Wooldoor creeps up behind Hero, who does not notice Wooldoor's presence.
Hero (in confessional): But...
Wooldoor turns around and moons the camera. Hero does not notice. Cut back to the guys. They are sitting down, thoroughly exhausted. All of them- even Ling-Ling- have beard stubble. Wooldoor, on the verge of going stir crazy, begins to gnaw on his own foot. The others are merely exasperated.
Spanky: Oh, goddammit! What is taking her so long?
Cut to Spanky's bedroom upstairs. Denise and the banana have just finished having sex. Denise is smoking a cigarette.
Banana: Wanna go again?
Denise: But you don't have any more money!
Banana: That's okay. I'll go downstairs and do another set later and I'll pay you with the money I make from that.
Denise: Yeah, sure, okay.
Denise puts out the cigarette. She and the banana resume having sex. The scene changes back to the guys.
Spanky: Well, guys... it looks as if we have been left in the lurch.
Hero: Yes.
Spanky: I guess that means there's only one thing left for us to do.
Marty: Yes, it does. (He mutters under his breath.) Thank God.
Spanky: Time to resort to Plan B!
Marty: (getting up) Plan B?
Spanky: That's right. Now I know you're probably asking me, "Spanky- what's Plan B?".
Marty: No!
Spanky: No?
Marty: No, that's not what I'm asking you at all. Spanky, I don't friggin' CARE what Plan B is! I have had it! Okay? I have had it with this whole stupid shenanigan! I didn't want to have a bachelor party, but I went along with it. I didn't want to have a stripper, but again, I went along with it. And as hard as this may be for you to believe, I'm not especially interested in crashing the girls' party either! Now I went along with all this because YOU guys seemed so excited about it! But I'm done now! You hear me? I don't want to be a part of this anymore! I don't care about some stupid party, you guys. All I want is to marry Toot. Now if she wants to have a little fun before she ties the knot, that's her right. I wish her the best in that regard. It's just not for me, okay? (He turns to walk away.) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go a sports bar and watch a ballgame. There won't be any naked women there, but that's fine with me. For the rest of my life, Toot is the only woman I care about seeing naked. (Marty walks off.)
Spanky: Hey, Marty, what bar are you going to?
Marty: (as he leaves) Yeah, right! (Marty is gone. The guys stand looking humbled for a moment. They turn to Spanky.)
Hero: So what's Plan B?
Wooldoor: Yeah!
Spanky: Well, I'll tell you what Plan B is!
Spanky motions the guys to draw closer to him. He puts one arm around Hero and another around Wooldoor while Ling-Ling looks on. The guys begin whispering. Cut back to the girls' party. Bleh and Reunitee are busy chatting. Toot walks up to them.
Bleh: But as it turns out, Mexico is like, a whole other country!
Reunitee: I see what you mean.
Toot: Hey, guys.
Bleh: Oh, hey, Toot.
Toot: Neither of you have seen Clara, have you?
Bleh: Oh, I did. (Toot perks up.)
Toot: When?
Bleh: Earlier tonight. Right after we finished chowing down on your large brown penis.
Clara (in confessional): Oh, now, that was gratuitous!
Toot: No, Bleh. I mean after that.
Bleh: Then I would have to say no.
Toot: Reunitee?
Bleh: Yeah, I've seen Reunitee. She's sitting right next to me!
Toot: No... I'm asking Reunitee if she's seen Clara.
Reunitee: Sorry, Toot. Haven't seen her.
Toot: Maybe she's upstairs. I'll go check for her up there. (Toot leaves. Bleh and Reunitee resume their conversation. Foxxy walks up to them.)
Foxxy: Hey, y'all! Have you seen-
Bleh: No, Foxxy, we haven't seen Clara. Or Unusually Flexible Girl.
Foxxy: Well, actually, that wasn't what I was going to ask you. I was going to ask y'all if you've seen my sweet, sweet ass! (Foxxy turns around and begins shaking her booty.) Isn't it nice, y'all?
Bleh: Sure, Foxxy. It's very nice. But, um... why did you ask us if we've seen your ass?
Foxxy: Now hold on a second. Was it my ass that I was wanting to know if you've seen? No, wait... I guess it WAS Unusually Flexible Girl. See, I was just confused cause the both of them be needin' a good smackin'!
Bleh: Okay, I think I just became retarded again.
Foxxy walks off, shaking her head in annoyance.
Clara (in confessional): I was still totally upset with Toot. A part of me wanted to just bail on the stupid wedding thing altogether. But no... Toot was my friend and I owed it to her to be there for the big day. But that couldn't help me wanting to get back at her in some way for what she did.
Cut to Clara's room. The door opens. Clara enters, slamming the door behind her. Still very angry, she sits down on the bed. After taking a moment to fume, she sighs and begins to think.
Clara: Now let's see... maybe I could get married again, make her my maid of honor, and then do the same thing to HER! Hmm... I wonder if Ling-Ling would be willing to divorce and then remarry me just to spite Toot. Or maybe I'll just tell Ling-Ling to eat her again. It hasn't happened in a while, she's probably got it coming to her for SOMETHING.
Clara continues to think. After a moment, she is snapped from her contemplation by a sound outside the window. Confused, she gets up and walks over to the window. She looks out. Down in the yard, she sees the guys standing around. Xandir walks up to the group carrying a large grocery bag. The scene changes to the guys in the yard.
Xandir: Okay, guys, here you go! Everything you need to infiltrate the girls' party!
Hero: Thanks, Xandir! We couldn't have done it without you! (The guys eagerly take the bag from Xandir and begin rummaging through it. The bag seems to contain a lot of clothes.)
Xandir: Now remember the deal, guys. In return for bringing you all this stuff from upstairs, you're going to help me sneak into the party with you!
Spanky: Sure, sure, whatever you say!
Spanky puts the bag down. The guys are clearly assuming disguises of some sort. Xandir picks up the bag and pulls out a sequinned dress. The scene changes back to Clara upstairs watching them.
Clara: Why, those little sneaks! They're going to try to crash the party! Well, I'm not going to let them get away with this. Those bastards will be damned if I'm going to let them ruin- (Suddenly she stops.) Wait a minute. (A slight smile cracks Clara's face.) Maybe that's how I can get back at Toot. I can let the guys crash and totally ruin the party! (Clara looks up to the sky and lets out a big laugh. After a moment, the laugh begins to take on a decidedly maniacal tone. As soon as Clara realizes this, she covers her mouth in a panic.) Oh, my God! Did I... did I just become evil again? (She begins to think.) Okay, I'm not crusading against a moral wrong of some sort here. (She gasps in horror.) Oh, no! I'm not Evil Clara! I'm Vindictive Bitch Clara now! (She returns to normal.) Ah, well, I've been good for three years now, I'm probably due a relapse.
Clara turns and exits her room. Without pausing, she passes through the hallway and heads downstairs. She proceeds to make her way through the living room.
Bleh: Hey, Clara, Toot was just looking- (Clara stops.)
Clara: At your butt? (Clara begins celebrating.) Oh, yeah! I'm on fire tonight! Somebody stop me! (Clara turns and continues on into the kitchen.)
Bleh: Ugh! I hated that movie The Mask!
Reunitee: Me too. It's one of my least favorite movies of all time!
Bleh: Yeah.
Reunitee: In fact, the only movie I think I liked even less than The Mask was I Am Sam!
The smile immediately leaves Bleh's face. She turns toward Reunitee angrily.
Bleh: You bitch!
Bleh grabs Reunitee by the throat. Reunitee struggles to get out of Bleh's grip, but can only succeed in wrestling her to the ground. Cut to the kitchen. Clara walks briskly across the kitchen floor to the back door. There is a rap on the door. Clara immediately opens the door. Standing in front of her are Spanky, Hero, Wooldoor, and Xandir, all wearing women's clothing. Clara stares at the group in disbelief, unable to say a word.
Spanky: (in a high-pitched voice) Um, excuse me?
Clara: (snapping herself out of it) Yes? Can I... help you guys... er, gals... with something?
Hero: (in a high-pitched voice) We're here for the slumber party!
Clara: Are you, now?
Xandir: (in his normal voice) Yes, um... sorry we're late.
Clara: Okay... Well, look. I don't remember Toot inviting you guys to the party-
Wooldoor: (in a high-pitched voice) We're relatives!
Xandir: We promise!
Clara: Okay. You say you're relatives? Fine, I believe you.
Spanky: So you're going to let us in?
Clara: Sure, why not?
Surprised at their good fortune, the guys turn to each other excitedly. However, just as Clara is about to open the door to let them in, Toot walks up behind her.
Toot: Clara! Oh, thank God I found you!
Clara: Um, Toot, um... can this wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Toot: In the middle of what? Clara, I wanted to apologize for before. I shouldn't have- (She sees the guys. Her eyes grow wide.) Oooookayyyyyyy. Um... (She points to the guys in confusion and looks at Clara.) Clara, what the hell is this?
Clara: These are your relatives, Toot. They've come to join the party!
Toot: My relatives? Those don't look like my relatives! (Clara turns to the guys and shrugs.)
Clara: Sorry, guys. But Toot says she doesn't know you. So I guess-
Toot: But what the hell? This is a party, right? The more the merrier! Go on, Clara, and let them in!
Clara: You WANT them at your party? On second thought... Toot, that may not be such a good idea.
Toot: Why not?
Clara: Toot, I have reason to suspect that these "women" are actually guys.
Hero: (still in a high-pitched voice) We're not guys!
Spanky: (still in a high-pitched voice as well) Yeah! We're women!
Toot: So what if they're guys? As it stands, this party is totally tanking! Having some guys in here might make things more interesting!
Clara: But that was supposed to be the first rule of tonight's slumber party! No guys allowed!
Toot: Well, I think- (Suddenly, Toot catches sight of Clara. Clara looks at Toot pleadingly. Toot acquiesces.) Okay, Clara. You're right. We agreed this party was going to be girls only, so girls only it is. No guys.
Xandir: But Toot, we're not guys!
Wooldoor: Yeah, Toot! We're your relatives!
Hero: Your female relatives!
Toot: Oh, are you? (They all nod eagerly.) And may I ask which of my female relatives you are?
Clara: (to Toot) You know, I can't help but notice that this one looks an awful lot like Spanky.
Spanky: Um... well... I look an awful lot like Spanky because... um... I'm his wife! Mrs. Ham! Yeah, that's why I look like him. Family resemblance! Okay, I guess I'm not technically a relative of YOURS, but... I'm still female! So I can still be at the party.
Toot: Allllllright. (She looks at Hero.) And you?
Hero: I'm Captain Hero's sister, Captain She-Ro! You have to admit, I do look an awful lot like her!
Clara: I suppose that IS true.
Toot: True. And um... (She looks at Wooldoor.) You?
Wooldoor: Toot, don't you recognize me? I'm your mother!
Toot: My mother?
Wooldoor straightens his wig and adjusts his makeup. He smiles at Toot and blows her a kiss.
Toot: You know what? I'm going to let that one pass for the comedic value alone!
Clara: Right, but what about- (Suddenly, Clara notices something strange about Wooldoor. She looks down at his stomach.) Um, excuse me, Wool- I mean, Mrs. Braunstein. But are you... (She points to Wooldoor's stomach. There is a decided bulge.)
Wooldoor: Oh, yeah. I'm pregnant now.
Toot: Pregnant? What the-
Cut to the inside of Wooldoor's blouse. We see Ling-Ling puffing and panting and wiping his brow. The camera cuts back to the group.
Spanky: Yes, Mrs. Braunstein is pregnant. But it's okay. The baby is a girl so it can still come to the party!
Toot: I see. (She turns to Xandir.) And who would you be?
Xandir: Why, Toot, don't you recognize me? I'm your cousin!
Toot: My cousin? But... which one?
Xandir: Um... that one that you haven't seen in a long time.
Toot: I have a lot of cousins like that. You'll have to be more specific.
Xandir: Um... Martha?
Toot: I don't have a cousin Martha.
Xandir: Your cousin Brenda?
Toot: I don't have a cousin Brenda.
Xandir: (struggling to come up with an answer) Um...
Toot: Wait! I know! Cousin Patty?
Xandir: Yes! That's it! That's who I am! Cousin Patty!
Toot: Wow! Cousin Patty! (Toot and Xandir both act excited. However, Toot's mood quickly changes after a moment.) I *hate* Cousin Patty!
Xandir: No, wait! I'm not Cousin Patty at all! I'm Cousin... um... Ethel! You have a cousin Ethel, right?
Toot: (slamming the door in Xandir's face) Go to hell, you bitch!
Xandir: Ow, my ass!
Toot turns and walks over to the counter. Clara turns to her.
Clara: You know, for a moment there, I wasn't sure if you knew it was the guys or not.
Toot: Of course I knew it was the guys! I'm not dumb!
Clara: No. No, you're not.
The girls pause. There is a moment of awkward silence.
Clara: So.
Toot: Yeah.
Clara: So you were saying something about an apology?
Toot: Right.
Clara: That is... if you still felt like giving it?
Toot is silent for a moment. She then turns to Clara.
Toot: Clara?
Clara: Yes, Toot?
Toot: Clara, I'm sorry I overruled all your decisions. I guess I just got so caught up the excitement of it all that I forgot about your feelings.
Clara: Well, that's okay, Toot. It's your big day and I want everything to be perfect for you. I guess the reason I got so upset about everything was because... I knew how special this day was for you, and I just wanted to feel like I was playing a part in it.
Toot: I know, Clara. But you ARE playing a part in it. I mean... I'm very hard to please. I'll be the first to admit that. To be honest, I probably would have ended up making my own decisions no matter who ended up being my maid of honor.
Clara: Well, then, if that's the case, then why does it matter whether I'm-
Toot: Just let me finish, I'm getting to that. Clara, being maid of honor is more than just organizing everything and making all of the wedding decisions. It's about working hand in hand with the bride and putting up with her every capricious whim. And more importantly, it's about being a good friend to her. And Clara, through all this, you've been the best friend I could ever hope for. (Clara smiles.) Clara, no matter whose ideas ended up being the ones we used, well... what made this so fun was all the time we got to spend planning it together.
Clara: Thanks, Toot. I guess you're right.
Toot: So what do you say? (She holds out her hand to Clara.) Will you be my maid of honor again?
Clara: Oh, of course I will, Toot!
Clara ignores Toot's hand and leans in and hugs her. The two hug for a moment.
Toot: So, Clara.
Clara: Hmm?
Toot: How long can two girls hug before it starts taking on lesbian overtones?
Clara: I think we'd better stop right now.
Toot: Good idea.
The two break away from each other. They proceed to walk out of the kitchen and enter the living room. Foxxy and UFG are patching things up.
UFG: Oh, Foxxy! I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. I don't want Hero anymore. Really, I don't! I'm happy with my life now!
Foxxy: And I'm sorry too, Mandy. Honestly, I shouldn't let myself get all jealous about things. I know that if Hero truly wanted to be with you instead of me, he'd BE with you instead of me. But he's with me now, and I trust him.
UFG: You should, Foxxy. Hero loves you. He and I just weren't meant to be.
Foxxy: And Mandy, I'm sorry that I didn't take your situation into consideration. I should have realized that even if you're over somebody, it can still hurt to be reminded of what happened.
UFG: Thanks, Foxxy. (Foxxy nods.) Hug it out?
Foxxy: Let's hug it out!
Foxxy and UFG proceed to hug. As the others watch, they continue to hug for a moment. The hug continues for a few moments longer. Clara and |
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