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DTBL episode 53: Sea of Troubles « Thread Started on Oct 18, 2009, 10:20pm »
SEA OF TROUBLES
Part 1
The show opens on a shot of the ocean. As the camera pans over, we see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to a shot of the deck of the ship. We see Foxxy, dressed in fancy evening wear, standing on the deck looking out at the ocean. She sighs sadly. The camera cuts to the other side of the ship. We see Hero, dressed in a tuxedo, looking out at the ocean as well. His look is very somber and thoughtful. The scene cuts back to Foxxy. We hear her inner monologue.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess looking back on it, I should have seen something like this coming. We knew we were rushing into things, but somehow that never seemed to bother us. We thought that nothing could possibly go wrong. But somehow it did. And I'm still not quite sure how.
The scene changes to Hero.
Hero: (inner monologue) Where did it all go wrong? This doesn't make sense. Foxxy and I were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. This wasn't part of the script. At least... I didn't THINK it was.
The scene changes back to Foxxy.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) Where DID it all go wrong? (She pauses for a moment.) Actually... I think it was that morning. The day before we left. That's when the seeds were pretty much planted.
The scene fades. It then fades back up on a long shot of the Drawn Together house. The scene changes to the interior where we see all of the housemates minus Wooldoor gathered in the living room.
Spanky: The first thing I plan to do is pee in the ocean!
Toot: (offended) Spanky, don't you know how harmful that is to the environment? You could seriously mess up the ocean's ecosystem!
Spanky: And since when are you so concerned about the ocean's ecosystem?
Toot: Since I decided to bring a bunch of fishing gear so I'll have something to eat when the restaurant deck closes! (She turns to Marty.) Pee-soaked fish... not the most tasty. (She pauses for a moment.) Or healthy. (She thinks for a moment.) Did I mention pee is gross?
Clara: That explains why that Red Lobster buffet made me throw up last night.
Ling-Ling: Carla sure it not-
Clara: No, Ling-Ling, I'm not pregnant. But thanks for asking.
Toot: The way I figure it, I have two main food options if the ship's food totally sucks, like ship food has a tendency to do. Option number one, I can bring my own fishing gear and catch them myself. Sure it'll suck having to clean and gut them, but... at least it'll give Xandir something to do besides hooking up with random cabin boys!
Xandir: I'm not gutting your fish for you, Toot.
Foxxy: Well, congratulations, Xandir, on standing up to Toot! It's about time you decided not to be such a doormat anymore!
Xandir: I mean, I'd gladly do it for her. It's just that those knives are really sharp and I might cut my pretty, pretty hands!
Clara: So why don't you just wear gloves or something?
Xandir: Oh, I can't. The only pair of gloves I have is back at my parents' house, and I can't go back THERE now! Not since they caught me making out during Lord of the Rings!
Hero: Lord of the Rings?
Xandir: It's like our Schindler's List. Don't question it. (He turns to Toot.) So sorry, Toot. You'll have to gut your fish yourself. (Toot scowls.)
Spanky: Oh, well, guess that's out! Looks like you'll have to turn to option number two.
Toot: I guess I will.
Spanky: So what's option number two?
Toot: You.
Spanky: Get serious, Toot. I'm not gutting your fish for you!
Toot: Did I mention fish? (She grins at Spanky. Spanky is momentarily confused before he suddenly realizes what Toot is getting at.)
Spanky: (becoming horrified) Oh, no! No, no, no. We are NOT going down THAT road again!
Toot: (turning to Clara) Hey, Clara, you're not taking that much, right? Would there be room in your suitcase to bring along a portable grill? (She looks at Spanky evilly.) And some barbecue sauce! (She grins.)
Spanky: (turning to Xandir in a panic) Xandir?
Xandir: (clasping his hands in fear) My hands!
Clara: Spanky, if Xandir cuts his hands, what will he have to masturbate with?
Spanky: His feet?
Xandir: I wish! Unfortunately, my toes aren't that dextrous.
Marty: They're probably weighed down by all the hair.
Toot: Well... I guess I could always ask Wooldoor to do it.
Foxxy: Speaking of Wooldoor... where is the man... er... whatchamacallit... that is going to be marrying Hero and myself?
Clara: Oh, he was misbehaving earlier, so I sent him up to his room. I told him to just sit there and read the Bible for a while.
Toot: (skeptically) The Bible?
Clara: There's nothing wrong with the Bible, Toot. And besides, Wooldoor might learn something.
Toot: Oh, come on, Clara. You really think that reading the Bible is going to alter Wooldoor's behavior?
At that moment, Wooldoor comes walking down the stairs, still reading the Bible. He arrives at the bottom of the stairs.
Wooloor: (not looking up from the Bible) Hey, guys!
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor. So how's (she makes air quotes) "The Bible"? (Clara looks at Toot with disapproval.)
Clara: Air quotes, Toot? Seriously?
Wooldoor: (He looks at Clara.) Thanks, Clara. Making me read this has really helped put my life back on the straight and narrow. I'll be forever in your debt.
Clara: You're welcome, Wooldoor!
Hero: Speaking of straight and narrow... (he turns to Foxxy) I've got something straight and narrow that I'd like to put back on YOUR life! Er, I mean... something straight that I'd like to put in your narrows. Um, I mean... that is to say... (He shrugs.) You want to have sex?
Foxxy: Why, Hero, I'd be delighted! What say the two of us go upstairs and procreate right now?
Hero: Foxxy, we've... kind of already done that. (He looks at her stomach. Foxxy follows his eyes down. She suddenly realizes what he meant.)
Foxxy: Oh! Procreate means to have babies? I thought it just meant have sex!
Wooldoor: The hell you will! (Everyone turns to Wooldoor in shock.)
Foxxy: Say what now?
Wooldoor: You two can't have sex! You're not even married yet! Having sex outside of marriage is a sin!
Hero: And since when are YOU so concerned with sinful sex?
Wooldoor: (holding up the Bible) Since I started reading this thing, that's when!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, how could you not have known that already? You're a priest, for God's sake!
Wooldoor: (He turns to the others.) Have you guys ever actually read this thing? Wow... so much I didn't know! I just kind of skimmed it before. There's all kinds of crazy crap in here! (He turns back to Foxxy and Hero.) You know, technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom either. But I guess *maybe* I can let that one slide.
Foxxy: Uh... thank you?
Wooldoor: But the premarital sex thing? I have to enforce that.
Hero: Couldn't we give up going to the bathroom instead?
Spanky: I'm glad I'm not the one having to make this choice. I could never do it. Or maybe I could. (He turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, can I go to the bathroom and then just masturbate instead of having sex?
Wooldoor: Sorry, Spanky. But masturbation is a sin, too.
Spanky: (looking at Foxxy and Hero.) Damn. Guess I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, then!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, this is silly. And besides, Hero and I have already had sex lots of times, so the purity boat kind of already sailed for us a long time ago.
Wooldoor: Well... maybe it's too late for you on THAT front... but you could still try to make it right by remaining celibate at least until your wedding.
Spanky: Ha! Fat chance of THAT!
Foxxy: What's the matter, Spanky? You don't think we can do it?
Spanky: Foxxy, the wedding is a week away. Have you two EVER gone that long without having sex?
Hero: Yes, we have!
Foxxy: Right when Hero and me first got together with each other-
Clara: Hero and I.
Foxxy: Don't be silly, Clara. You and Hero never had sex. (She turns back to Wooldoor.) When Hero and me first got together, we waited a whole week until we had sex. You guys remember?
Spanky: Yeah... but... that was a long time ago. And you've had sex a LOT since then. Now maybe you could get by without the sex that first week because you hadn't really had that much with each other before. But now that you've been together for three years, and you've had sex approximately three times a day-
Hero: Four times!
Spanky: I'm saying that the sexual instinct is so ingrained in you by now that the thought of going even one day, let alone an entire week, without sex is at this point pretty much impossible. Face it, Foxxy. That's what your thing is. The sex!
Foxxy: Whatchoo talking about, Spanky? What do you mean, that's what our thing is?
Spanky: See, all the couples in this house have their own thing. Clara and Ling-Ling have the mushiness.
Clara: (swoony) Oh, we DO, don't we, Ling-Ling?
Spanky: Toot and Marty have the sarcasm.
Toot: Oh, gee, THAT'S a prize.
Spanky: And you guys have the sex.
Foxxy: Spanky, I resent your implication that Hero and my relationship is about nothing but sex. Sure, we have lots of sex, but we also have a strong bond with each other. A closeness that goes way beyond just sex... and one which certainly doesn't need sex to thrive and prosper.
Spanky: Then prove it. See if you can make it all the way to the wedding without having sex again.
Foxxy: We will! (She turns to Hero.) Won't we, Hero?
Hero: (slightly worried) Um... sure. Of course... we will. (Foxxy looks at Spanky defiantly, but Hero is very troubled.)
Foxxy: Now, then. Hero and I are going to go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise. And by "packing for the cruise", I do NOT mean that as a metaphor for having sex.
Toot: Well, while we're on the subject, I think that Marty and I will go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise as well. (She and Marty get up.) And unlike Foxxy, when I say "packing for the cruise", I *do* mean that as a metaphor for having sex! (She begins to walk upstairs, passing by Foxxy and Hero. She stops and turns to them.) Sucks to not be married, doesn't it? (Grinning, Toot turns and continues walking upstairs, followed by Marty. Foxxy scowls, then turns and walks upstairs herself, followed by an apprehensive Hero. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.)
Clara: Ling-Ling, I'm not very comfortable with this cruise packing metaphor. Can you and I go upstairs and just have sex? (Ling-Ling nods enthusiastically.) Clara picks him up and starts to carry him upstairs. Wooldoor stops her.)
Wooldoor: Hold on a second, you two. Where the hell do you think you're going?
Clara: We're going upstairs to have sex, Wooldoor. (He looks at her with anger.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Ling-Ling and I are married. It's okay for us to have sex now.
Wooldoor: Oh, is it, Clara? IS IT?
Clara: What are you talking about, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: You can't have sex now, Clara! It's the middle of the day, for God's sake!
Clara: So?
Wooldoor: And besides, sex between even couples who are married is only okay if it's for the purposes of procreation! Doing it solely for pleasure makes you a whore!
Clara: Well, Ling-Ling and I *are* trying to have a baby.
Wooldoor: Oh. You are? (Clara nods.) I guess it's okay, then. I guess I was a bit hasty in calling you a whore.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Now if I come up to your room afterward and you're not with child... THEN I'll call you a whore!
Clara stands there stunned. Ling-Ling looks confused. As the two continue to just stare for a moment, Wooldoor turns away in triumph and begins walking toward the kitchen.
Spanky: (calling to Wooldoor) Hey, Wooldoor, I'm going to go masturbate for a while. Is that okay?
Wooldoor: (as he walks away) Knock yourself out, man!
Spanky: Thanks! (Wooldoor exits. Spanky turns and walks upstairs. Clara stands in the middle of the living room holding Ling-Ling, still stunned. She looks at the only remaining person in the room, Xandir.)
Xandir: Hey, Clara?
Clara: Yes?
Xandir: Don't tell Wooldoor I'm gay, okay? I mean, I'm sure he probably knows, but... you know... just in case... I don't really want to start anything.
Still trying to come to grips with what just happened, Clara turns and walks back upstairs with Ling-Ling. Xandir shrugs and turns on the television. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a shot of the ocean once again. The camera cuts to Hero standing on the deck again.
Hero: (inner monologue) You know, thinking on it, this was pretty much my fault. If I hadn't done what I did, we wouldn't be in this situation now. Sure, I didn't mean any harm. And looking back, yeah, it probably wasn't a smart thing to do. But at the time, it was what felt right. And more importantly, I had always felt that no matter what we did, Foxxy and me, as a couple, were rock solid and utterly indestructible. I guess that's what you get when you try to tempt fate one too many times.
The scene changes back to the house once again. The housemates are standing around the living room with all of their luggage and travel belongings. Toot holds a fishing rod and a large tackle box. They are all dressed in vacation clothes again. Clara is wearing a blue Hawaiian print blouse, her purple sarong from Big Twist II, a large beach hat, and wicker sandals. Toot is wearing a dark green Hawaiian print dress and flip-flops, while Marty has a green polo shirt, Hawaiian shorts, and sandals. Foxxy is wearing an orange halter top, a red sarong, and flip-flops. Hero is wearing a baby blue Hawaiian shirt, tan cargo shorts, and flip-flops. Wooldoor has on a dark blue Hawaiian shirt, red shorts, and socks with sandals. Xandir is wearing a white T-shirt tied around his stomach, white shorts, and sneakers with no socks. Spanky has on an orange Hawaiian shirt and brown shorts while Ling-Ling is wearing only a Gilligan hat. Clara looks at Wooldoor with disapproval.
Clara: Seriously, Wooldoor? Socks with sandals?
Wooldoor: What's wrong with socks with sandals?
Clara: Well, one, it looks tacky, and two, the socks kind of negate the whole point of wearing sandals.
Wooldoor: Which is what? To flaunt your feet like a whore?
Clara: Wearing open-toed shoes does not make me a whore, Wooldoor. In fact, Jesus wore sandals!
Wooldoor: Yeah, well, you die on the cross for the sins of the world and I *might* let that one slide for you.
Clara: I sure FEEL like I'm being crucified right now.
Toot: Come on, guys! Let's go get on the boat! Toot toot!
Wooldoor: Toot, why did you just say your name twice?
Toot: I didn't, Wooldoor. I was making a sound like a boat whistle.
Wooldoor: You said "toot toot".
Toot: Right. That's the sound a boat whistle makes.
Wooldoor: It's also your name.
Toot: Okay, well... yeah.
Wooldoor: So were you named after a boat whistle?
Toot: No, Wooldoor. Don't be silly.
Wooldoor: But being silly is my entire reason for being!
Spanky: You know, "toot" is another word for fart. You weren't named after THAT, were you?
Toot: (decidedly displeased) No, Spanky.
Spanky: (disappointed) Oh. Cause I was about to say, it would have made you a lot cooler if you had been.
Wooldoor: I was named after 19th century United States President Rutherford B. Hayes!
Foxxy: But your name is Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: That's right.
Clara: How did they possibly get the name Wooldoor out of a name like Rutherford B. Hayes?
Wooldoor: They didn't.
Clara: (turning to Foxxy) You packed his meds, right? (Foxxy nods.)
Wooldoor: That's not what I said, Clara. I said I was named AFTER him. He was from the 19th century, so obviously he got named long before any of us did! (He pauses.) I think. (He turns to Toot.) Toot, how old-
Toot: (very angry) Not THAT old!
Clara: Wooldoor, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Hero: Even dumber than my idea for reusable condoms?
Wooldoor: Oh, IS it, Clara? How is it any dumber than say... going to hell for being a WHORE?
Clara: Oh, God, are we still on that kick?
Wooldoor: (gasping) Taking the Lord's name in vain? Oh, now are you going to hell even faster, you sinful harlot!
Toot: (to Spanky) What's a harlot?
Spanky: I think it's a Jewish whore.
Toot: You mean like me?
Spanky: Yeah, you wish.
Clara: Wooldoor, what are you going on about NOW?
Wooldoor: I saw you kissing Ling-Ling at breakfast this morning!
Clara: So? There's nothing wrong with kissing! And as I mentioned last night, he IS my husband!
Wooldoor: Kissing leads to dancing. And dancing leads to sex. I'm not sure where sex leads to, but it's something really bad.
Spanky: Butt sex?
Wooldoor: Not right now, Spanky. But thanks for the offer. (Spanky is mildly creeped out.)
Ling-Ling: Get off Carla's back, Sockbat! He see Hero doing much worse thing this morning! He kiss chocolate animal woman in unspeakable place!
Wooldoor: Oh, really? (He walks over to Foxxy and Hero.) So, Captain Hero... where exactly did you kiss Foxxy this morning?
Foxxy: On my ass. (Wooldoor is shocked.)
Hero: Foxxy's just kidding, Wooldoor. I kissed her hand. And I'm pretty sure the Bible says that's okay. (Wooldoor eyes the two of them skeptically.)
Wooldoor: So are you two keeping your vow? You staying celibate like you promised?
Foxxy: Yes, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You're not starting to waver, are you? Maybe feeling a little pressure? A little moment of weakness?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I assure you, we are FINE.
Wooldoor: Good. That's all I needed to hear. (He turns back to the others, resuming his happy demeanor.) So are we going to be able to get in the water on this cruise? I want to eat a dolphin!
Clara: You mean pet a dolphin?
Wooldoor: Why, what'd I say?
Foxxy: Well, come on, y'all. We could stand around here trading witty banter with each other all day, but if we's not going to be left behind, we'd best be making our way to the boat now.
The others nod and begin to pick up their gear. However, right as they're about to walk out, the doorbell rings.
Toot: (annoyed) Oh, it figures! Now that we're about to leave for a month, my cheese of the month club delivery finally shows up! (She sighs.) Oh, well. I guess I can just take it with me. If it goes bad on the boat, I can always use it for bait.
Toot walks briskly to the door and opens it. There she is greeted with a surprise. Instead of a delivery person, the person at the door is a familiar redhead wearing sunglasses, a light blouse, green shorts, and flip-flops.
Toot: (taken aback) Stretchy girl?
The others are all surprised. Hero and Wooldoor walk up to Unusually Flexible Girl. Foxxy looks at her suspiciously, but says nothing.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl? What are you doing here? Don't you know we're about to leave for the cruise?
UFG: I know. (She turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, look. I know I told you I couldn't make it. I promised to take my nana to a Hummel collecting convention the same week as the wedding. But then she died, so now I'm free!
Wooldoor: (excited) That's great! (He quickly becomes solemn.) About you being free, I mean. Not about your nana dying. That's sad.
UFG: Yeah.
Foxxy: Now hold on a second. I thought you told us your nana was already dead! Didn't she die of loneliness or something?
UFG: Yeah, that was my other nana. I have two.
Wooldoor: Well, that makes sense!
UFG: So if it's not too much trouble, I would really like to go on the cruise, you guys. You guys are two of my dearest friends, and it would really mean a lot to me.
Hero: Why, of course, Nancy!
UFG: Mandy.
Hero: Wow, I wasn't even close that time! But of course you can come to our wedding, Mandy.
Foxxy: No, she can't. (Hero turns to Foxxy in alarm.)
Hero: She can't?
Foxxy: Reverend Smack Daddy told us we could only have 25 seats between us. And unfortunately, those 25 slots have all been filled.
Spanky: Oh, dude. That just gave me an idea for the best porn movie EVER!
Xandir: Actually, Foxxy... Ernesto and I got into a big tiff last night and he won't be going. So it looks like there's a spot open!
Clara: (to Xandir) Ernesto?
Xandir: Yeah, well... I couldn't decide whether to use my invite for Fernando or Ernesto, so I told the two they could fight to the death for it, and Ernesto won!
Toot: (in complete shock) You actually had one of your boyfriends murder the other?
Xandir: Murder? Oh, no, don't be silly! When I say, death, I meant for them to fight until one of them got their pretty face all scratched up! For us to go out in public like that WOULD be death. (He pauses sadly.) A kind of death, at least.
Toot: So if Ernesto backed out, then why not just let Fernando go in his place?
Xandir: Did you not hear what I said about his face? He's not going out like that!
Spanky: And yet he has no problems showing his REGULAR face in public?
Wooldoor: So Mandy can come with us! Yay!
Foxxy: Now hold on, Wooldoor. It's not that I'm trying to keep Unusually Flexible Girl off the boat or anything, but... um... that invitation DOES belong to Xandir. So it would only be fair if it went to somebody HE wanted to invite.
Xandir: That's okay, Foxxy. Now that I think about it, having a boyfriend along on the cruise could be detrimental to my efforts to hook up with random strangers.
Clara: Wooldoor, did you hear what Xandir just said? Hooking up with random strangers?
Wooldoor: Sure, Clara, what about it?
Clara: Never mind.
Wooldoor: (turning back to UFG) I'm so excited you're getting to go, Mandy! Just think of all the fun stuff we can do on that cruise together! We can pee in the ocean...
UFG: I don't know, Wooldoor. Foxxy hasn't even said I can go yet.
Hero: Well, that doesn't matter. This is my wedding too and I say you can go!
Wooldoor: Yay! (Foxxy's look immediately changes to one of shock and a bit of anger.)
UFG: Oh, thank you guys so much! (She proceeds to throw her arms around Hero in a huge, grateful hug.) You're the greatest, Hero!
Hero: I know. (UFG lets Hero go and starts to grab her things.) So what are we waiting for, you guys? That boat's about to leave, we'd better go get on it!
Toot: That's what I'm saying!
Spanky: Spanky Spanky!
One by one, all the others pick up their stuff and follow UFG out. Foxxy and Hero are the last two left in the house. Hero picks up his things and starts to walk out the door. He stops to talk to Foxxy, who has recovered from her shock, but is still very skeptical.
Hero: Come on, Foxxy, let's go! It wouldn't be a very fun wedding if the only person who didn't make it was the bride! (He thinks for a moment.) I could marry Spanky, I guess. That'd be kind of gay, though.
Foxxy: Hero... are you sure about this? About inviting her, you mean?
Hero: Why, what's the problem?
Foxxy: No problem, I guess. I'm just worried something bad might come of it, that's all.
Hero: Don't be silly, Foxxy. What could happen?
Foxxy: I wish you hadn't said that. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly. Foxxy shrugs.) Never mind. Let's go get on the boat, okay?
With that, Foxxy picks up her things and follows Hero out of the house. The scene fades. After a moment, the scene fades back up on the deck of the ship, this time on Foxxy's side.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess if I'd really wanted to, I could have stopped her from coming. But as suspicious as I was, I felt that it would be better if I didn't make an issue of things. After all, no sense putting ideas in Hero's head if they wasn't already there. But... WAS they already there? Even now, I'm still not sure. All I know is that if I'd just fought Hero a little harder on the matter, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now.
Foxxy sighs. The scene dissolves to a long shot of the deck of the ship sometime earlier. The housemates have just boarded. We see them walking to their cabins carrying their gear.
Spanky: So which deck is the naked swimming on?
Clara: Excuse me?
Spanky: The swimming without clothes. Which deck is it on?
Clara: I'm pretty sure this isn't one of THOSE kind of cruises.
Toot: It isn't? Then forget it, I'm not staying. (She starts to walk back toward the deck.) Come on, Marty, let's blow this popsicle stand.
Marty: (starts to follow Toot, then suddenly stops) Wait a minute. Toot, stop. (Toot raises her arms questioningly.) That's very funny. (Toot smiles and shrugs as if to say "What?")
Hero: It's okay, guys. I'll just go ask the cruise director what deck we can use for naked swimming.
Wooldoor: Yay!
Clara: Why do I suddenly feel out of place again?
Foxxy: I'll go with you to talk to the cruise director, Hero. As long as we're here, we might as well try to go ahead and find out where we're going to be able to have our wedding.
Hero: Sounds good to me! (Hero and Foxxy walk off.)
Spanky: You know what? We can just find any pool. I'll just fart a lot so everyone else will stay away.
Toot: But then WE'LL have to swim in your stinkiness!
Spanky: No, no. I'll only fart at the entrance to the pool. The pool area itself will still be gas-free.
Clara: That seems like a pretty drastic way to get the pool to ourselves, but I don't really feel like dealing with a lot of people on this cruise, so I'll welcome it.
Spanky: (His eyebrows raise.) Oh? So does this mean you're going to come naked swimming with us, Clara?
Clara: Never mind. I didn't realize THAT'S what you were doing.
Toot: Oh, come on and join us at the pool, Clara! If it's any comfort, we'll let YOU wear clothes.
Clara: While the rest of you strut about shoving all your stuff in my face? Oh, thank you so much for that treat, Toot!
Toot: Don't mention it!
Cut to Foxxy and Hero making their way back to the deck. As they walk toward the deck, we hear a familiar voice call out.
Reverend: Foxxy!
Hero: Oh, yeah, I forgot HE was going to be here. (At that moment, Reverend Smack Daddy walks over to the two of them. He takes Foxxy by the hands.)
Foxxy: Hey, y'all.
Reverend: I'm so glad you guys could make it, Foxxy. We're looking forward to having you sing with us on this boat!
Foxxy: Don't mention it, Reverend. (The Reverend lets go of her hands. Foxxy holds up a finger to him.) Now remember... you promised to leave me and my housemates alone on this cruise.
Reverend: I haven't forgotten, Foxxy. And don't worry, I intend to keep my vow.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: I'm very excited for the both of you. Really, I am.
Hero: Me too!
Reverend: And I bet y'all is looking forward to all that hot nasty sex y'all are going to have once y'all is married, ain't you? (A look of worry suddenly crosses Hero's face.)
Foxxy: We sure are! (The Reverend smiles.) Oh, by the way, Reverend, about our wedding... do you know where we're going to be able to have it?
Reverend: Not yet, Foxxy. But the cruise director assures me they'll have a spot set aside for you in plenty of time for y'all to set things up.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: Well, I guess I'd best be leaving y'all alone now. Y'all probably wants to go have some hot premarital sex now.
Hero: That's... that's permitted?
Reverend: Well... not technically. You'll still be sinning for a few days. But once y'all is married, God will forgive you for those sins since it ended up being your future wife you was having all that sinning with.
Hero: Um... okay. I guess.
Reverend: I'll see you guys later, then. See you at the show, Foxxy. (He gives her a quick peck on the cheek. Foxxy smiles. The Reverend walks away. Hero turns to Foxxy excitedly.)
Hero: Did you hear that, Foxxy? We can go ahead and have sex again and we won't be sinners!
Foxxy: That's right, Hero, I guess we can. (Hero beams gleefully.) But we won't. (Hero's expression quickly changes to a frown.)
Hero: We won't?
Foxxy: Hero, you know where I stand on the whole sex issue. I don't believe that sex between two people who love each other is a sin, regardless of whether they's married or not. But that ain't why we're doing this!
Hero: It isn't?
Foxxy: No! We're doing this to prove to everybody that there's more to our relationship than just sex!
Hero: Oh.
Foxxy: Now, Hero, I'll admit, there's nothing I want more than for you to take me back to our cabin right now and do me for the next seven hours straight.
Hero: Seven hours?
Foxxy: Well, Oprah comes on in seven hours, and we have to stop then. I've found you miss too much if you try having sex while the show is still on.
Hero: Ah, gotcha.
Foxxy: But we can't. Hero... I want us to prove that we are just as strong a couple without the sex as we are with it. If we can make it until the wedding without having any more sex... (she looks at him seductively)... then, I think that'll be a pretty good indication that we's doing the right thing getting married to each other.
Hero: (smiling at Foxxy) Well... when you put it THAT way...
Foxxy: Now come on. Let's go find the cruise director and see if they've got a spot open for us.
Foxxy continues to make her way toward the deck of the ship, with Hero right beside her. They stop right as they reach the deck.
Hero: Is that the cruise director?
Foxxy: I think so.
Hero: Huh. Well, that's weird.
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I think I know her from somewhere. I may be wrong, though.
Foxxy: Well, let's go talk to her.
Foxxy and Hero walk up to the cruise director, who we only see from behind.
Foxxy: Excuse me. Miss Cruise Director? May we have a quick word with you?
She turns toward the couple. We see that the cruise director is none other than a certain stone-faced young woman.
Denise: Yes? What do you want?
Foxxy: I'm not sure if Reverend Smack Daddy may have mentioned us to you. I'm Foxxy Love and this is Captain Hero.
Denise: Yeah, um... I don't really bother to learn people's names. So I don't know who you or this Smack Daddy person is. And to be honest, I'm not planning to make an effort to become familiar with them over the course of this cruise.
Foxxy: Smack Daddy is the performer who is headlining this particular cruise.
Denise: Oh, right. The Christian rapper. The one who raps about all the nasty sex stuff and specifies it's only okay if you're married.
Hero: That's the guy!
Denise: I don't like him. He's way too judgmental about people being hoes. Didn't stop him from giving me a hundred bucks last night, though. Apparently, if it's in international waters, that's a "gray area".
Foxxy: Yes, I see you've met the gentleman. Well, my name is Foxxy Love, and this is my fiance, Captain Hero. Smack Daddy told us we could have our wedding on the ship in exchange for performing on the cruise with him.
Denise: "Performing on the cruise with him". Well, I guess it's all right as long as you keep that sort of thing in your cabin.
Foxxy: I did not mean that as a sexual euphemism. And now I'm suddenly hoping that Smack Daddy didn't either. But anyway, what I meant was that I'm going to be singing here one night.
Denise: And I'm supposed to care about this... why?
Foxxy: He told us we'd be able to have our wedding here on the boat. Now what I want to know from you is, where will we be able to have it, and what day will it be?
Denise: Let me get this straight. You expect us to just put aside our entire cruise schedule and just give one of our decks to you for an entire day? I don't even know who you are!
Foxxy: I just told you!
Denise: Yeah, I wasn't listening.
Foxxy: Look. Is every single deck on the ship going to be occupied every single day of the cruise? All we need is one deck for one day. We'll be GLAD to pay for it.
Denise: Fine. I'll check the schedule and see if I can find something open for you. But I'm not promising anything.
Foxxy: Well, I guess that's about the best I can do for now.
Denise: It is.
Foxxy: Come on, Hero. Let's go back and join the others.
Foxxy turns and begins to walk off. Hero, however, remains on deck with Denise.
Hero: So, a hundred dollars, huh? What all do you do for that? Do you go all the way? Cause if so, that is an EXCELLENT deal! Do you know what the whores back home cost?
Foxxy: Hero!
Hero: (to Denise) I gotta go. (Hero turns and scampers back toward Foxxy.) Hey, Foxxy, I think I've just figured out what we can get Spanky for his birthday!
Foxxy: Hero, I want to go back to our cabin now, and I want you to escort me there.
Hero: Why? Are you worried about getting attacked?
Foxxy: No, I just want you around in case we run into Reverend Smack Daddy. I have a feeling that if we do, I'll be overcome with an overwhelming urge to beat the crap out of him.
Hero: And you want me to stop you?
Foxxy: No, I want you to help me!
With that, Foxxy and Hero turn and walk back to their cabin. The scene fades. It fades back up on another deck of the ship. Clara is lying in a deck chair reading a book. Except for having kicked her sandals off, she is wearing the same clothes as before. Wooldoor stands next to the railing eagerly looking out at the ocean.
Wooldoor: Wow! Do you see that ocean, Clara?
Clara: (without turning away from her book) Am I looking in the direction of the ocean, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: No.
Clara: Well, there you go.
Wooldoor: I never knew the ocean was so big! Wow... if Jesus walked across THIS thing, he truly was the son of God! (At that moment, a dolphin hops out of the water, then quickly submerges again.) Ooh, a dolphin! How pretty! (Wooldoor licks his lips.)
At that moment, Ling-Ling bounds out onto the deck holding a small container. He hops up on the chair next to Clara.
Clara: Hello, Ling-Ling! What do you have there? (Ling-Ling holds out a small bag on a strap.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get this at Sanrio store right before he board! Look! (Clara looks at the bag.)
Clara: A purse?
Ling-Ling: No be silly, Carla. It Hello Kitty fanny pack.
Clara: But it's on a strap.
Ling-Ling: (slightly disappointed) Yeah, well... it turn out Ling-Ling fanny not big enough to wear pack as intended. So he have to get strap to carry it around with.
Clara: Well, it's very cute, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling smiles. Wooldoor turns around and walks over to the couple.)
Wooldoor: Hey, you guys! You think if I asked Toot real nice, she'd let me borrow her fishing gear? Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, do you guys know what dolphins like to eat? (Clara and Ling-Ling both shake their heads. Wooldoor sees Ling-Ling's bag.) Ling-Ling, what's that?
Ling-Ling: It Hello Kitty fanny pack. Ling-Ling use it to carry around valuables.
Wooldoor: Well, I hope one of those valuables is your SOUL, because that's what you've just sacrificed to the Dark Lord by carrying around a man purse!
Ling-Ling: No! Sockbat have it all wrong! It not purse! It Japorean!
Wooldoor: It looks like a purse to me.
Ling-Ling: Well, it not!
Wooldoor: Ling-Ling, are you sure about that?
Ling-Ling: Yes!
Wooldoor: Well... okay, then. (Without missing a beat, he quickly turns to Clara.) Oh, look at that. Look who's showing her stuff again. You proud of those legs, Clara? Hmm? You proud of those boobs? Well, you should be. Cause they're quite nice.
Clara: Wooldoor, please, give it a rest. There is absolutely nothing about my current ensemble that is indecent.
Wooldoor: (quickly tossing Clara a jacket) Here. Cover yourself up, whore!
Clara: Wooldoor, it's close to 90 degrees on this boat!
Wooldoor: I said ZIP IT UP, WHORE!
Clara covers her face in frustration. The scene fades to Toot and Marty's cabin. Toot sits on the bed while Marty attempts to talk on a cell phone.
Toot: And that's why my name appears in air stewardess training manuals under the heading "Don't Ever Do This"!
Marty: That's nice, Toot. (Marty winces and looks at the phone in frustration.) Dammit, why can't I get a signal on this boat?
Toot: Why? Who do you want to call?
Marty: Ghostbusters. (Toot looks at Marty oddly for a minute, then smiles.)
Toot: Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there. Very clever. (She turns around.) Say, Marty, can you zip me up? (Marty looks at Toot, slightly confused.)
Marty: But... you're not wearing anything that zips. (Toot cranes her head and grins at Marty.) Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there.
Marty quickly puts the phone on the table and hops on the bed and begins making out with Toot. As the two roll around on the bed, becoming progressively less dressed, we hear a voice come over the phone.
Operator: Hello? This is the operator speaking. How can I help you? (There is no sound except Toot and Marty's lovemaking noises.) Hello? Is anyone there? (Still no response.) Hello? (Still no response.) Oh, goddammit, did somebody suddenly start having sex while they were in the middle of trying to make a call? (The operator sighs.) Goddammit, I hate it when that happens!
As Toot and Marty continue cavorting around on the bed, Spanky walks up to their door. He looks inside and sees them getting it on. His eyebrows raise. A big smile beginning to form on his face, Spanky proceeds to stand and watch the two carrying on. After a minute, he hears the voice on the phone and looks over.
Operator: Hello? I'm serious, quit having sex right now or I'm going to hang up!
Spanky walks over to the phone and picks it up.
Spanky: (into phone, in a high-pitched voice) Hello?
Operator: Finally! How can I help you?
Spanky: Um, I was trying to reach a friend of mine. Can you help me?
Operator: What's your friend's name?
Spanky: Ignatius Parkinson Freely. But you can call him by his initials, I.P. (Spanky snickers.)
Operator: Just a minute! (We hear a dial tone. Spanky looks confused. After a moment, another voice comes on the line.)
Voice: Hello?
Spanky: (in his normal voice) Hello? Who is this?
Voice: This is I.P. Freely. Who the hell is this? (Spanky chuckles.)
Spanky: Oh, man, that's just too funny. Hey- are you friends with a guy named Seymour?
Voice: Seymour?
Spanky: Yeah. Last name, Cox?
Voice: Oh, yeah! Seymour Cox! Great guy. Great guy. So what's up with Seymour?
Spanky: Um... he died.
Voice: He died?
Spanky: Yeah. Um... he died of... uh... that disease... that disease that makes you stop living. Uh... bye. (Spanky quickly hangs up.) Wow! I am really rusty on my prank calls! In my younger days, I'd have been much better prepared for that one! (Spanky pauses for a second.) Now why the hell did I come in here?
Toot: Oh, Marty!
Spanky: Ah, right, the midget sex.
Toot: Goddammit, Marty and I are not midgets! Well... I'm not, at least. I'm on the short end of average.
Marty: Is Spanky watching us have sex?
Toot: Apparently.
Marty: So why didn't you lock the door?
Spanky: Wouldn't matter, I can pick the lock. (Spanky walks over to the bed. Toot and Marty have stopped their activity.) Hey, guys. How's it going?
Marty: I'm not a midget either, Toot.
Toot: We'll see what the dictionary has to say about that.
Marty: Something we can help you with, Spanky?
Spanky: No, no. (He pulls up a chair in front of the bed.) The floor show's enough. Carry on, you two.
Toot: Spanky... bait.
Spanky: Fair enough. All right, I'll get to business. Toot, I want to run something by you real quick. A minor change to the wedding procedure.
Toot: How minor?
Spanky: Instead of the groom kissing the bride, how the best man gets to-
Toot: No!
Spanky: But you didn't even know what I was going to say!
Toot: Yeah, actually I pretty much did.
Spanky: Fine. No, what I wanted to ask you was, instead of a tuxedo... how about I wear a T-shirt with a tuxedo design on it?
Toot: Are you serious?
Spanky: So that's no?
Toot: Yeah, sorry, Spanky, but I can't let you do that. It would make the whole wedding look cheap and tawdry!
Spanky: Yes, it would! Which would actually be to your advantage! Now YOUR wedding wasn't cheap and tawdry at all. But if this one IS, it'll make YOURS seem all the classier!
Marty: Spanky. that's ridiculous. Forget it.
Toot: That makes sense. Okay, Spanky, you've got a deal! (Spanky is triumphant.)
Marty: (to Toot) From now on, I'm just going to wait to talk until you've already said something.
Toot: I think that might be best.
Spanky: All right! I thought I might have to convince you of this, Toot, but it turns out, you were more open than I thought! (Spanky winks and points at Toot.) You're a MUCH cooler maid of honor than Clara was!
Toot: Well, duh!
Spanky gets out of his chair and walks back out the door, closing it behind him. As soon as he does so, he meets up with Hero walking back toward the deck.
Spanky: Hey, Hero! Guess what! I'm going to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tux!
Hero: No, you're not.
Spanky: But Toot said I could!
Hero: Toot isn't making the decisions, Spanky. Foxxy is. And I feel extremely confident she wouldn't like that idea. So, Sorry, Spanky. But no.
Spanky: But-
Hero: No buts! (Spanky turns away in frustration.)
Spanky: (walking away dejectedly) Awwwww!
Xandir: (offscreen, from his own cabin) I'm glad it wasn't me that was said to!
Hero continues to stand at the railing looking out at the ocean. Foxxy walks up to him.
Foxxy: Hey, sugar! (Hero turns and sees Foxxy.)
Hero: Oh, hey, Foxxy.
Foxxy: What was that about?
Hero: Oh, Spanky wanted to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tuxedo.
Foxxy: Ha! I knew he'd try something like that. Well, it looks like Wooldoor owes me five bucks.
Hero: So how'd you make out with the cruise director?
Foxxy: Used my tongue.
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: It's a joke, Hero.
Hero: Joke it may be, but... can I still put that one in the spank bank for later?
Foxxy: (thoughtfully) Spank bank. (Hero sees an opportunity.)
Hero: That is... unless you don't see me having a NEED for the spank bank. (Hero grins at Foxxy. Foxxy turns away.)
Foxxy: No. I think maybe you'd better file that image in the spank bank like you said. (Hero is disappointed.)
Hero: Oh. Okay. (He and Foxxy look away from each other. After pausing for a moment, Hero speaks up again.) So, anyway, what did the cruise director say?
Foxxy: Oh, the same thing she said when we was both up there with her. She still has no idea when a spot is going to be available. And quite frankly, she did not seem all that distraught at our situation.
Hero: No, I guess she wouldn't.
Foxxy: But it's going to be okay, Hero. We've still got a few days until the wedding. Something will come up by then. There's no need to worry.
Hero: Oh, I'm not worried.
There is an awkward silence between the two. Foxxy notices it. She looks worried for a moment, trying to decide if she should say something. She finally decides to speak.
Foxxy: You're wondering if this no-sex pact was a good idea.
Hero: No, I'm not.
Foxxy: Good. (She pauses for a moment.) Unfortunately, I am. (Hero turns toward her.)
Hero: (trying to hide his eagerness) Oh, really?
Foxxy: I was okay for the first day. But ever since we've been on this boat, practically all I've been able to think about is taking you in our cabin, shoving you down on the bed, ripping those cargo shorts right off you, and just going to town!
Hero: Going to town? But Foxxy, we're at sea! (Foxxy sighs in frustration.)
Foxxy: Never mind. (She turns to the side and mutters under her breath.) Goddammit, is there one expression out there I don't have to explain to him?
Hero: What was that?
Foxxy: Never mind. (Hero looks irritated, but says nothing.)
Hero: Well, Foxxy, if you want to have sex, we can just have sex. I mean, the no-sex pact was a nice idea, but when you think about it, do we really need it? Do we really have to prove anything to anyone at this point? We know we love each other. What more do we need?
Foxxy: I guess that makes sense. You know what, Hero? You're right. Let's go have sex.
Hero smiles big and brightly at Foxxy. Foxxy smiles back. Hero takes Foxxy in arm and starts to walk her back to their cabin. However, before they have even taken two steps, a voice calls out behind them. We hear the sound of a pair of feet running up the deck.
UFG: Hey, you two!
Foxxy grimaces, then sighs. She and Hero turn around to see UFG running up behind them. She is wearing a dark green bikini and has a towel flung over her shoulder.
Foxxy: Yes?
UFG: The pool's empty right now, so we're all going swimming! Do you guys want to join us?
Foxxy: No thanks, Unusually Flexible Girl. Captain Hero and I have other plans.
UFG: Oh yeah? Like what? (Foxxy glares at UFG, slightly annoyed at her failure to get the innuendo.)
Foxxy: Guess.
UFG: Well, I know it can't be sex. Cause you two aren't having that right now.
Foxxy: Excuse me?
UFG: Oh, yeah, Wooldoor told me all about the pact you two have, to not have sex again until the wedding. I think it's a great idea!
Foxxy: Oh, you do, do you?
UFG: Yeah. Like, when Captain Hero was dating ME, we would just have sex all the time!
Foxxy: Mmm hmm.
UFG: It finally dawned on me after a while that the reason we had sex so often was that that was all he was really interested in me for. Not my personality, not my companionship... not my heart. Just the sex.
Hero: Well, the sex WAS really good between us. (Foxxy glances back and forth between both Hero and UFG, trying hard to believe what she is hearing.)
UFG: If Captain Hero and *I* had tried to go a whole week without sex, it wouldn't have lasted. He'd probably have just dumped me in a couple of days.
Hero: Hey, I tried to dump you even WITH the sex! (Foxxy looks at Hero, still in disbelief.)
UFG: But the fact that Captain Leslie Hero... who's slept with... oh, I don't know... hundreds of women...
Hero: At least!
UFG: The fact that he's found a woman who he's willing to just be with and not have sex at all... that really says something.
Hero: It sure does! (A look of confusion suddenly crosses his face.) What?
Foxxy: Yes, thank you very much for your wisdom, Unusually Flexible Girl. You can just go enjoy your swim with the others. You and your tight green spandex bikini.
UFG: Oh, well, between you and me, I don't expect to be wearing the bikini very long. (She leans over and whispers to Foxxy.) As soon as the rest of the ship goes to bed, we're planning to swim naked!
Hero: Really?
UFG: That's right! Too bad you two can't come.
Hero: Oh, man, that one hurt.
UFG: I'll see you guys later. (She waves.) Bye!
With that, UFG turns and hurries away. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Swimming.
Foxxy: Yes.
Hero: Naked.
Foxxy: That's what I hear.
Hero: Well, whatever. Those guys can have their fun if they like.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: We'll be keeping ourselves busy in our own way. (He grins at Foxxy. She scowls.)
Foxxy: What? Hero, are you kidding?
Hero: I don't get it.
Foxxy: No, you usually don't. Hero, did you not hear what Unusually Flexible Girl said? About how you guys had nothing in common but the sex?
Hero: Yeah. What about it?
Foxxy: Hero, I was about to give in to temptation a minute ago. But I won't. I can't. Maybe that relationship was about nothing but sex, but this one sure isn't. And I am damn well going to prove it to everybody!
Hero: Great. No sex, then. Well, I guess this night is shot.
Foxxy: Is this how it's going to be, Hero? Is it really killing you that bad to not be able to have sex with me? Is this relationship nothing but Unusually Flexible Girl Volume Two to you?
Hero: (starting to get angry) Foxxy, stop. You know I love you. What happened between me and Unusually Flexible Girl doesn't change how I feel about you. The two relationships are nothing alike! (Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then sighs.)
Foxxy: I guess you're right, Hero. I'm sorry.
Hero: Maybe you're right. Maybe we do need to try to keep this no-sex pact. I guess if our relationship is truly one to last, we should be able to withstand it. (Foxxy smiles.)
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Okay, so the sex is out. What do you want to do instead?
Foxxy: Hmmm...
Hero: We could join the others. If we're hanging out with our friends, that might distract us from our carnal desires.
Foxxy: Join them swimming, you mean? (Hero nods.) With that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours there? Not a chance! (Hero frowns.)
Hero: So what are we going to do, then?
Foxxy: I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to go back to our cabin and sit there all night, just the two of us, and not have sex!
Hero: Not have sex?
Foxxy: You heard me! (Foxxy turns and starts to walk away. She momentarily turns back toward Hero.) Now get your ass and follow me back to our cabin right now! That way I know you won't be hanging out at that pool with that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours!
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: Now!
With that, Foxxy turns and storms off. Hero looks after her, somewhat frustrated. He sighs.
Hero: Oh, well. I guess a few more nights without sex won't be the worst thing in the world. (At that moment, we hear Toot and Marty's voices coming from inside their cabin.)
Toot: (voice) Hey, Marty! Before we go naked swimming with the others, you want to have sex again?
Marty: (voice) Yeah, all right.
Toot: (voice) Now I bet you're wondering why I brought a pair of stockings with me on the cruise. Do the words "hogtied to the bed" mean anything to you?
Hero hangs his head and sighs. He turns and slowly trudges back toward his own cabin. The scene fades.
Joined: Feb 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 123 Location: Nashville, TN Karma: 0
DTBL episode 53: Sea of Troubles « Reply #1 on Oct 18, 2009, 10:21pm »
Part 2
The scene fades back up on the original shot of Foxxy on the deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) Maybe I shouldn't have been so suspicious of Unusually Flexible Girl. After all, whether she wants to get her hooks back into Hero or not, it doesn't matter unless he feels the same way. And I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn't, but... well, sometimes when you're under stress, you don't think clearly. And there was a lot more going on besides her.
Cut back to Denise at the bow of the ship the following morning. She is straightening her clothes while a gentleman stands by.
Gentleman: So how much will that be?
Denise: The usual fee... plus an extra fifty dollars.
Gentleman: An extra fifty? For what?
Denise: That's what I'm going to be fined for being on deck out of uniform.
Gentleman: Ah, right.
The gentleman gets fifty dollars out of his wallet and hands it to Denise. As she counts the money, Foxxy walks up behind her.
Foxxy: Excuse me? (Denise turns and upon seeing Foxxy, immediately becomes exasperated.)
Denise: Oh, God. You again?
Foxxy: I'm sorry. I guess you're sick of seeing me by now.
Denise: No, actually, I was just kidding. I seriously have no recollection of who you are. I actually have a life to worry about.
Foxxy: Yes. Well... be that as it may. I'm the girl who's supposed to get married on this cruise. I came to see if you have any idea when a spot might be available.
Denise: Oh, actually, a spot DID open up! (Foxxy's brows raise in anticipation.)
Foxxy: Oh, really?
Denise: Yeah! In my ass! Want a tour of the premises? (Denise turns around and bends over.) Do you know where you want the band to set up? Cause I'll show you exactly where you can shove them!
Foxxy: Girl, you had seriously better be glad I ain't wearing my boots right now. (Denise straightens up and turns back around to face Foxxy.) Look, please... we're starting to get desperate here. If you can help us clear a spot on the boat to have our wedding, we will MORE than make it worth your while, I promise! (Denise sighs in frustration.)
Denise: Okay... fine. Come back in a little while and I'll see if I can have something available for you.
Foxxy: Thank you. Thank you very much!
With that, Foxxy turns and walks away, smiling. Denise looks after her, rolling her eyes. The scene changes to another spot on the deck. Wooldoor stands looking out at the ocean again. Clara walks out wearing her bathing suit and a light wrap. She sits down on one of the deck chairs. Wooldoor turns to her.
Wooldoor: So. We're not even bothering with the shoes today, I see.
Clara: Wooldoor, it's a tropical cruise. Half the people on this ship are barefoot.
Wooldoor: Well, if half the people on this ship jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?
Clara: To get away from you, I just might.
Wooldoor: What's that scent? Is that berries? Are you using a berry-scented shampoo now? Tsk tsk.
Clara: Wooldoor, what is your deal? Now you're criticizing me for things that the Bible doesn't even forbid!
Wooldoor: I've decided that that book doesn't go far enough, Clara. I mean, sure, the big sins like murder and prostitution are to be warned against. But there are way too many smaller crimes that go unpunished because people don't feel they're important enough to bother with! Well, I've decided that I, Wooldoor Sockbat, God's newly appointed crusader against all things evil, am going to bother with them!
Clara: Yeah? Well, let me know how that works out for you, okay?
Wooldoor: Okay!
At that moment, Ling-Ling hops out, followed by Toot, also wearing her swimsuit. Ling-Ling is still carrying his bag. Ling-Ling hops up on the chair beside Clara.
Clara: Hey, guys. So what have you two been doing?
Toot: I think a better question might be... WHO have we been doing? Hee hee!
Clara: Well, the answers to that question would be Marty, and... that plush doll of Hello Kitty that Ling-Ling had in his suitcase.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling pretend it was Carla! He promise!
Wooldoor: (turning around) What's this? MORE sex taking place on this boat? (He shakes his head in disapproval.) Can none of you control your hormones at all?
Toot: Nope! But it's okay, cause I'm married.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling married too. True, it not to Hello Kitty plush doll, but... well, Ling-Ling get urges! And Carla sleeping so peacefully, he not want to wake her!
Clara: Ling-Ling, that's so sweet! In a very, very messed up way.
Wooldoor: Taking advantage of a poor, innocent plush doll, Ling-Ling? For shame! (He turns to Clara angrily.) You see that, Clara? Not only are YOU a whore, now you're corrupting your husband, too! (Clara sighs in frustration. Wooldoor turns back to Ling-Ling.) Ah, still carrying your purse, I see. (Wooldoor turns back to Clara.) Must you drag ALL your friends and loved ones into hell with you, Clara?
Ling-Ling: If Carla going to hell, Ling-Ling going to hell too!
Clara: Thank you very much, Ling-Ling! But I'm not going to hell. And neither are you.
Ling-Ling: Are you sure? Ling-Ling was Scientologist for two years, Ling-Ling immortal soul might already be doomed to hell for that one anyway.
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling, I'm sure.
Ling-Ling: Okay, good.
Toot: Blah blah blah, nobody's going to hell, isn't that just peachy, blah blah blah. So, Ling-Ling. Ever since I saw you with that thing, I've been meaning to make fun of you for it! If you've got an hour or two to spare, I'd like to do that now.
Ling-Ling: Eh, sure. Ling-Ling got time.
Toot: Perfect! Now to start with, you're aware that for the first two weeks we lived together, we all thought you were a girl, right? Well, this is making me wonder if maybe we were right in the first place.
As Toot continues, the scene changes to Foxxy walking to the pool, clad in her bikini. Just as she is about to enter the pool area, however, Hero suddenly rushes up behind her.
Hero: Foxxy! Foxxy, wait up! (Foxxy stops and turns around to look at Hero.) Foxxy, guess what! I've found a loophole to our no-sex pact!
Foxxy: Hero, I told you before. Doing it in the butt does not constitute a loophole.
Wooldoor: (walking by) Actually, the Bible is pretty ambiguous about that one. Unless either of you is Catholic, I don't think doing it in the butt would violate anything. (Wooldoor quickly passes out of view.)
Hero: No, Foxxy, doing it in the butt is not the loophole I'm talking about.
Foxxy: Because we're in international waters, then?
Hero: No, that's not it either. What it is... I just found out that this ship is transporting a bunch of cargo. Now one of the things it's transporting is... are you ready for this? (Foxxy is attentive.) A giant crate of Silly Putty!
Foxxy: (not believing what she is hearing) Silly Putty.
Hero: That's right! I figure, we can use that Silly Putty to make exact molds of each other's genitalia and then do it with THOSE! That way we can still fulfill our desires without technically having sex with each other! (Foxxy is just staring at him.) What do you think?
Foxxy: (momentarily turning away) (under her breath) Good Lord, why can't he just shut the hell up?
Hero: What was that?
Foxxy: Never mind. (Hero scowls.) Look, Hero. I'm fixing to get in the pool and go swimming. I think maybe it would be best if you just went back to your cabin and thought for a while.
Hero: About what?
Foxxy: About anything! Anything at all!
As Hero scowls again, Foxxy opens the gate to the pool and walks through it. As soon as she does so, however, a voice calls out again.
UFG: (voice) Hey, Foxxy! (Foxxy sighs. She doesn't say anything, but it is clear what she is thinking. UFG runs up to her, dripping wet.) Are you going swimming?
Foxxy: I thought I might. I didn't realize you'd be here, though.
UFG: (waving to Hero, who is still standing outside the gate) Hey, Captain Hero! (Hero waves back. UFG turns back to Foxxy.)
Foxxy: On second thought, I think I'm feeling a little sick. I think I'll go back to my cabin instead of swimming.
UFG: Suit yourself. (She quickly steps toward Hero.) Hey, Hero. You want to go swimming?
Hero: I don't know. I don't really like swimming when the pool is too crowded.
UFG: You don't have to worry about that right now. At the moment, there's nobody else there but me. We'll have the whole pool all to ourselves!
Hero: Okay! (Hero starts to bound into the pool area, but before he can walk past her, Foxxy grabs him by the shoulder.)
Foxxy: Yeah, right! (She looks at UFG with extreme irritation.) Seriously? Is you kidding me here?
UFG: I don't understand what the problem is.
Foxxy: Now, I'll admit that I was a bit doubtful of your intentions, Unusually Flexible Girl, but I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Well, not any more. (She gives UFG a stern, straightforward look.) Unusually Flexible Girl, for the remainder of this cruise, you are to STAY THE HELL AWAY from my fiance at all times. You got it?
UFG: Foxxy, that's not fair. I'm just trying to be friendly.
Foxxy: Well, why don't you go be friendly with the others? You know, there's a whole bunch of us of this cruise. Why don't you go hang out with somebody else? Like perhaps your boyfriend Wooldoor.
UFG: I can't get Wooldoor to pay any attention to me. This whole cruise, he seems to have chosen to follow Clara around for some strange reason.
Foxxy: Then hang out with Spanky.
UFG: No! When I try to talk to him, he does nothing but stare at my boobies!
Hero: Well, in his defense, you do have really nice ones. (Foxxy looks at Hero angrily.)
UFG: (smiling bashfully) Thanks.
Foxxy: (turning back to UFG) Then hang out with Xandir! He sure as hell won't be staring at your boobs!
UFG: Yeah, that's not likely. The cabin boys on this cruise are really cute. I'm not expecting to see much of Xandir on this cruise.
Foxxy: Then hang out with Ling-Ling.
UFG: What's Ling-Ling?
Foxxy: Never mind. Oh! I know! You can spend some time with Toot and Marty! How does that sound?
UFG: (becoming sad) Toot and Marty. Right. Well, I guess I can go talk to them for a bit. (She sighs sadly.)
Foxxy: Okay! Then go get to it!
UFG: Yeah... yeah, I'll go hang out with Toot and Marty. Sure.
Hero: (He notices that UFG is becoming upset and walks up to her. He puts his arm around UFG, which irritates Foxxy even further.) Unusually Flexible Girl... what's wrong? Do you not like Toot and Marty?
UFG: No, they're very nice. That's not it at all.
Hero: Then what is it?
UFG: It's just that... well... they're a young married couple. And they're in that lovey-dovey "can't keep their hands off each other" stage of their relationship. I'm a good ten years older than Toot and I'm still not even CLOSE to being married. I'm... I'm just afraid it might be hard for me to be around them like that. I'd start to feel like nana again.
Hero: It's okay. I understand.
UFG: Please, you guys? You guys are two of my best friends in the whole world. I could really use your company right now.
Hero: (hugging UFG) Don't worry. It's okay. We're here for you. I promise.
UFG: Thanks, Hero. (She looks up at him.) You really are a good guy. You know that?
Hero: Thanks.
As Hero continues to comfort UFG, Foxxy looks on with disbelief. The scene cuts to her original scene on deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess in retrospect, it could have been the stress that was clouding my judgment. But I was more convinced than ever that Unusually Flexible Girl was trying to get her hooks back into Captain Hero. And there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. If I had just been thinking clearly, I would have seen that I was just making things worse. But who always thinks clearly in the heat of the moment?
Cut back to the pool. Foxxy steps between Hero and UFG and pulls them apart. Both parties look at her in disbelief.
Foxxy: All right, that's enough, you two! (She looks at UFG.) Unusually Flexible Girl, Captain Hero is MY fiance and I want you to stay away from him. Got it?
UFG: Foxxy, I just want a friend right now.
Foxxy: Well, you can find a friend somewhere else!
UFG looks at Foxxy for a moment. She is in shock. She begins to tear up. After a second, she begins crying. She runs past Hero and Foxxy out of the pool area and down the walkway. In the distance, we hear voices.
Spanky: (voice) All right! Crying chick! (There is a slight pause.) Ow, my stomach!
Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Foxxy, that was really uncalled for. She was just trying to be nice.
Foxxy: Oh goddammit, Hero, can you not see it at ALL? This whole time, she has done nothing but try to get as close to US as possible. Out of all the people on this boat, she just wants to be with US!
Hero: Yes, Foxxy. Us. Not me. The both of us.
Foxxy: That's because she's trying to be smart about it. She's trying to make it look like she wants to be both of our friends. But you and I both know that it's really just ONE of us that she's really concerned with being around.
Hero: Maybe you "know" that, but I don't!
Foxxy: Well, maybe you would know it too, if you had an IQ that was higher than a bag of rocks! I mean, seriously, how dumb do you have to be to not be able to see what she's up to? (Hero looks at Foxxy with a look halfway between anger and shock.)
Hero: Foxxy, I've never seen this side of you before. And quite frankly, I don't like it.
Foxxy: Well, I guess we're both learning a thing or two about each other on this trip.
Hero: Yes. I guess we are. (He turns and starts to walk away.) I'll see you later, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (calling after Hero) Where are you going? It better not to be to HER!
Hero: (walking away) Give me some credit, okay? I do have SOME intelligence!
With that, Hero is gone. Foxxy stands by the pool, still fuming.
Spanky: (walking up to Foxxy) Hey, Foxxy. You got a moment? I want to run something by you. (Foxxy looks at him skeptically.) For the wedding, instead of a tuxedo, can I wear a T-shirt with a tuxedo design on it?
Foxxy: Definitely not.
Spanky: Ah well, worth a shot. (He looks around.) So... naked swimming. You interested?
The scene fades. It fades back up on the shot of Hero standing on deck pondering.
Hero: (inner monologue) I don't know. In retrospect, I guess I could have been a little more sensitive to Foxxy's suspicions. Even if I didn't think there was anything to them, I should still have done what I could have to put her mind at ease, even if it meant rejecting the friendship of someone very close to me. (He sighs.) But no. All I could see in that moment was that she was being irrational, so I was determined to fight her on it. (He pauses for a moment.) I guess maybe I should have remembered that sometimes, when you love someone, you don't always have to fight them over something even if you know you're right.
The scene changes to the walkway outside the cabins. We see Clara coming out of her cabin, still in her swimsuit and wrap, and with a pair of sunglasses where her tiara usually is, and holding her book. She closes the door and begins to walk off before a certain voice stops her.
Wooldoor: (voice) And just where do you think YOU'RE going? (Clara sighs and turns around to find Wooldoor standing right there.)
Clara: Wooldoor, I'm just going to hang out by the pool. Okay? Nothing wrong with that.
Wooldoor: Oh, yeah? What's that you're holding in your hand? A crazy pool toy of some sort?
Clara: It's my book, Wooldoor. I was going to lie in one of the deck chairs and read for a while.
Wooldoor: The pool is for swimming, Clara. Not for reading. Of course, I guess using facilities for their intended purposes isn't of much importance when you're a rebel like you are, huh, Clara? (At this point, Toot walks up to the pair and stands watching the conversation.)
Clara: I like to relax with my friends and read a book. There's nothing wrong with that. And it IS allowed to do so by the pool if I want! (Wooldoor looks at her skeptically.) Would it be better if I was IN the pool splashing around? If I was actually swimming, then my body would be all dripping wet! That turns guys on, you know. So if you think about it, I'm being much less of a whore by just sitting there reading!
Wooldoor: Well... maybe you would be... if you weren't reading THAT!
Toot: Why, what's she reading? Those nasty Harry Potter books that teach the kids about witchcraft? Or is it some romance novel with all that immoral sex talk?
Clara: If you must know, it's He's Just Not That Into You.
Toot: If he's calling you a whore and condemning your soul to hell for the most minor of infractions... he's just not that into you.
Clara: And if you must know why, it's because it amuses me to read about how the single population lives. And despite the focus on dating and romance, I might point out that it's a book which there is absolutely nothing immoral about! So Wooldoor, I would like to know exactly what your problem with it is.
Wooldoor: I'll tell you what my problem with it is, Clara. It's not the Bible. THAT... is my problem with it. The Bible is the only acceptable reading material there is. Period.
Clara: Oh, come on!
Wooldoor: What? You got a problem now?
Clara: Yes, I have a problem! You, Wooldoor! You're my problem! Ever since this cruise started, I have been trying to relax and enjoy the trip, but you have just given me nothing but headaches! Now that's enough, Wooldoor! Quite frankly, I am tired of your shit!
Wooldoor: (very angry) WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Clara: I'm sorry. I mean, I'm tired of your feces.
Wooldoor: That's better!
Clara: Wooldoor, if I could ask you, why are you on my case so much, anyway? I'm not doing anything that the other housemates aren't doing at least a hundred times more often, and in a thousand times as perverse a fashion! I mean, you get on my case for dressing too skimpy, but I'm actually wearing more than Toot, Foxxy, and Xandir combined!
Toot: It's true!
Clara: So why, out of all of us, are you singling ME out for criticism? What is it about me that makes me so much worse than the others?
Wooldoor: I'll tell you, Clara. It's not because you're worse than the others. Not at all. You're BETTER than the others. A lot better. And that's why I'm coming down so hard on you!
Clara: I'm sorry?
Wooldoor: The others... well, to be quite frank, they're all lost causes. They're so immoral and depraved by this point, I couldn't save their souls from hell if I tried. But you, Clara... you're still reachable. I can still save you. And I refuse to rest until I've cleansed the last tiny little ounce of sin from your soul so you won't go to hell like the others!
Clara: Well, maybe I want to go to hell. I mean, what fun will heaven be if none of my friends are there?
Wooldoor: I'll be there!
Clara: Oh, well, that changes everything!
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor... can I just mention something real quick?
Wooldoor: (turning around, cheerfully) What is it, you venal, filthy, corrupt sinner?
Toot: Wooldoor, you're trying to get Clara to stop sinning and do good works so she'll get into heaven, right?
Wooldoor: That's right.
Toot: And you're doing this because that's the way the Bible should have us live, right?
Wooldoor: That's right!
Toot: Well, it seems to me that if you had actually READ the Bible, you would know that good deeds are not the determining factor in whether or not a person goes to heaven. I mean, sure, good deeds are nice, but they're not what keeps you from going to hell. What keeps you from going to hell is whether or not you believe in Jesus and accept his gift of salvation. (She turns to Clara.) Which, if I'm not mistaken, you've already done?
Clara: Years ago!
Toot: So you see, Wooldoor? Clara's ticket to heaven has already been punched. And if I recall, the Bible ALSO says that once it's been punched, it can never be unpunched, no matter what a person might later devolve into. Right, Clara?
Clara: That's right!
Toot: Seems to me that if you were as big a Bible follower as you claim to be, you'd know that, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: (shamed) Wow... I guess I never thought of it like that, Toot. I guess you're right! (He smiles and looks at Toot.) Thanks, Toot, for opening my eyes! (Wooldoor looks up at both Toot and Clara. He has suddenly grabbed a Bible out of nowhere.) You know what, you guys? I think I'm going to go back to my cabin and read this book some more. And I don't mean just look at certain parts and cherry pick what suits my own agenda... I mean, seriously read it. All of it.
Clara: That sounds like a great idea, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I know! Well... catch you later! Enjoy your swim! Or not. Whatever. (Wooldoor turns around and scampers off.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wooldoor passes out of view. Clara, impressed, turns to Toot.
Clara: Wow, Toot! I am impressed! You're not even Christian! How did you know so much about the Bible?
Toot: Eh. I was just giving the speech that Foxxy would have had if she hadn't been tied up in her own plot this week.
Clara: True. True.
The scene changes to the pool. Marty is in one end of the pool talking to Spanky, who is holding what appears to be a large diagram of some sort.
Spanky: (pointing to the diagram) Now, as we see here, the tuxedo, which is made of polyester or something, tends to sweat in the heat, which there is a lot of on this boat, seeing as we're in the tropics. And if we follow the beads of sweat here, we see that the reaction of the bacteria with the chemicals in the air causes what we in the scientific community like to refer to as an "odor". That's what makes a person stinky. So you see, the beauty of the tuxedo T-shirt is that not only is it more comfortable, I'll stink a lot less! Most people seem to be of the opinion that weddings are more pleasant when the best man doesn't possess a noticeable odor.
Marty: Wow. You are really committed to this tuxedo T-shirt idea.
Spanky: I believe in what's good, man. And what feels right. (He puts his hand over his heart.) What feels right in HERE. (Spanky pats his chest for a moment, then looks down, suddenly becoming alarmed.) Good Lord! Have I developed ANOTHER nipple?
The camera cuts to Smack Daddy and Denise in deck chairs in another part of the pool area.
Denise: No, I'm sorry. The "international waters" aspect doesn't apply anymore. The ship is too close to Hawaii now for that to count, if it ever did. If you have sex with me with now, I'm afraid it WILL count as a sin.
Reverend: Not if we's married first!
Denise: I'm not marrying you.
Reverend: Oh. Okay. (There is an awkward silence for a moment. Smack Daddy slowly glances over at Denise. He raises his eyebrows questioningly.)
Denise: It would cost you big, big bucks.
Reverend: Fair enough.
Cut back to Spanky and Marty. Hero swims up to them.
Spanky: Hey, Hero. How'd you make out with Foxxy?
Hero: Not so good. She's still really mad about things. Poor Unusually Flexible Girl's in her room crying and I can't even go comfort her without Foxxy blowing up at me again.
Spanky: No, I meant, how did you make out with her? Did you use your tongue? Was there an exchange of salival fluid? Any groping? (Spanky turns to Marty.) I like when there's groping. (Marty nods, then looks at Hero.)
Marty: I take it the no-sex pact isn't going so well.
Hero: At this point, I'm not even sure that's the main problem. (Hero sighs.) Was it this stressful for you and Toot a few days before you got married?
Marty: Yeah. Yeah, it pretty much was. But look at it this way. In two days, this will all be over. You'll be happily married to Foxxy and on your way to spending the rest of your life with her.
Hero: Right. Spending the rest of my life... with Foxxy. (Hero begins to become very thoughtful. The scene changes back to Denise. Foxxy is now standing in front of her.)
Denise: No! I told you when we found a spot for you, I'd let you know! Now get off my case or I won't even try to help you! (Foxxy sighs in frustration, then turns to Smack Daddy.)
Foxxy: Excuse me? Smack Daddy? May I have a word with you just a moment?
Reverend: Sure, Foxxy! (Foxxy starts to walk away. Reverend Smack Daddy gets up and follows her. Spanky walks up to Denise holding some pieces of paper in his hand.)
Spanky: Hey, I got some travel vouchers I haven't used yet. Can I use them to get a discount on your whoring services?
The scene cuts to Foxxy and Smack Daddy, who have retreated to a quiet spot away from the others.
Reverend: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Reverend Smack Daddy, you promised me that you'd be able to get us a spot on the boat so we could have our wedding. Well, we is supposed to have our rehearsal tomorrow, and our wedding the next day, and we STILL do not have a place available for it. And that cruise director, quite frankly, does not seem very sympathetic to our problems.
Reverend: Yeah, that ho's being a bit more difficult about things than I thought she'd be.
Foxxy: Okay, how about we do this? You're doing more than one show, right?
Reverend: Yeah, three of them! All in the grand ballroom.
Foxxy: Well, why don't you cut one of your shows short and then clear the place out so Hero and I can have it for our wedding?
Reverend: Foxxy, I don't know if I can do that to my fans. These kids gotta hear about the gospel! I gotta spread the word of the Lord, you know!
Foxxy: If Hero and I don't get married, we're just going to be living in sin for the rest of our lives! Do you want your precious Foxxy to go to hell?
Reverend: I guess not. (He pauses for a moment.) All right, Foxxy. I guess I do owe you. I guess it wouldn't hurt me to give up one of my shows so you can have your wedding.
Foxxy: Thank you, Reverend. (She touches his arm gratefully.) Thank you very, very much. You've made both Hero and me extremely happy. (Smack Daddy smiles. Foxxy smiles and walks away. Smack Daddy immediately walks back over to Denise and pulls out a big wad of cash.)
Reverend: All right, baby. I just did a real good deed, so I think God is prepared to overlook what I'm about to ask you to do with me!
The camera cuts to Foxxy, practically bursting with excitement, walking over to pool where Hero is.
Spanky: (to Hero) Seriously, dude. Keep that thing in your shorts, man. I mean, I'M okay with it, but I think you're embarrassing Marty!
Hero: I'm sorry. I guess I was just confused as to when the naked swimming starts.
Foxxy walks over to Hero and kneels down next to the pool.
Foxxy: Oh, Hero, guess what!
Hero: We're going to have sex tonight?
Foxxy: No. (Hero looks sad.) Hero, we've got a spot! We've got a spot for our wedding!
Hero: (excited) We do?
Foxxy: I made Reverend Smack Daddy promise us to end one of his shows early so we could have the ballroom for our wedding!
Hero: That's great, Foxxy! (He reaches out of the pool and hugs her.) So when are we going to be able to get married? Is it the day after tomorrow like we were planning?
Foxxy: I'm not sure. I got so excited, I forgot to ask him when it would be. (Foxxy looks in the direction of where Smack Daddy had been sitting. The area is now vacant.) Damn. Looks like he's gone. I guess I'll have to try to ask him tonight. (She glances around at the others.) Our plans still on for tonight? We all meet in the bar for drinks together?
Hero: Sure!
Marty: Sounds good!
Spanky: (stroking his chin) I'm thinking of growing a goatee!
Foxxy: I'm sure Smack Daddy will show up at some point with some excuse for drinking. Or maybe he'll just claim he's there to save us all from sin. I don't know. But either way, I'm sure he'll be there. I'll just ask him then. In the meantime, I think I'll head back to the cabin. (to Hero) You coming?
Hero: I think I'll stay and hang out at the pool, if that's okay. (Foxxy gives Hero a very blunt look.) Unusually Flexible Girl's still holed up in her cabin, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Okay, then. Enjoy your swim, guys!
Foxxy waves. The others wave back. Foxxy leaves. The guys all look at each other. Hero glances down, once again very thoughtful. The scene fades. It fades back up on the original shot of Foxxy on deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I mean, NOW, it's very clear to me that I was really overreacting. But at the time, I truly felt that my feelings were completely justified. But I think just about anybody would have acted like I did in the scene that followed. To be so happy one minute only to have the rug pulled right out from under you... I don't know if there's a person in the world who wouldn't overreact to THAT.
The scene cuts once again to a long shot of the ship. It is the night following the pool scene. The scene changes to the bar. Unusually Flexible Girl sits at the counter. She is all dressed up, wearing an evening gown. Her demeanor is still somewhat frustrated.
UFG: Wooldoor? Wooldoor, please pay attention to me!
Wooldoor: (voice, out of the camera's view) Later, Mandy! I'm busy right now!
The camera pans over to Wooldoor sitting next to Clara, still pestering her.
Clara: Wooldoor, seriously, I thought you were off this kick!
Wooldoor: Clara, what kind of Christian hangs out in a BAR? This is not an appropriate place for you to be!
Clara: Well, what about you? You're here and you're underage! At least I'm an adult!
Wooldoor: The drinking age is 21, Clara. And last time I checked, you were only 20!
Clara: That was when I first moved into the Drawn Together house, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: (sarcastically) Oh, and I suppose you've aged since then? (Clara sighs in frustration, then gets up.)
Clara: Forget it. I'm not putting up with this anymore. You win, okay, Wooldoor? I'm leaving the bar and going back to my cabin. You happy now?
With that, Clara walks out. Unusually Flexible Girl gets up and walks over to Wooldoor and sits down next to him.
UFG: Okay! Job well done, Wooldoor! You kept Clara from committing a sin by drinking alcohol. So now that you've rescued her mortal soul, perhaps you could spend a little time with your girlfriend? Hmm?
Wooldoor: I don't know. She's going back to her cabin, but... there's no telling what she might do in there! I'd better go follow her to make sure she keeps her underwear on in the shower!
Wooldoor hops out of his chair and dashes out of the room. UFG cries in frustration and buries her face in her hands. Hero and Foxxy walk into the bar, both dressed up.
Hero: Hey, look! Unusually Flexible Girl came out of her cabin! Looks like she's doing better!
Foxxy: Just keep walking, Hero.
Hero: Okay. (UFG raises her head and looks after them in annoyance.)
Foxxy: (seeing somebody else) Oh, look. There's our best friend in the whole world! Let's go say hello to her, why don't we? (They walk over to the person. We see that it is Denise.) Hello, Miss Cruise Director. Remember me?
Denise: Not really, but I'm going to say yes so you don't launch into a huge spiel to try to remind me.
Foxxy: Yeah, that's about what I thought. Anyway, we would like to thank you very much for your assistance, but it looks like we don't need you anymore. We have found a spot for our wedding ourselves!
Denise: (very flatly) Well, good for you. I'm happy for you. So when's the big day? Feel free not to answer me. I really don't care.
Foxxy: Well, I would gladly answer you, but as it happens, I'm not quite sure yet. I need to speak with Reverend Smack Daddy. Do you know where he is right now?
Denise: He's doing one of his shows in the grand ballroom right now. But he'll probably be in here later if you want to talk to him.
Foxxy: Thank you. We will.
Denise: Again, I don't really care. I'm just trying to wrap up the conversation.
Foxxy: Right. Yes, well... sorry to bother you.
Denise: Uh huh.
Foxxy and Hero walk away from Denise. They head over to a table and sit down. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Hey, Foxxy. She said that Smack Daddy was doing a show tonight, right?
Foxxy: Yes?
Hero: Well, why don't you head on down to the ballroom and go ahead and call in that favor he owes you? We can go ahead and get married tonight!
Foxxy: I suppose I *could*... but... I don't know. I'd love to go ahead and get married, but I don't want to do it without all my housemates there. And I think some of them have other plans tonight.
Hero: Ah.
Foxxy: And besides, I'm as eager to get married as you are, Hero, but honestly, do we really need to be in THAT much of a hurry? Especially given how much we've rushed this wedding already?
Hero: Well, I know. It's just that if we went ahead and got married tonight, we could- (Suddenly Hero stops, as if to realize that he is on the verge of committing a big faux pas.)
Foxxy: (sternly, as if she able to sense what Hero is about to say) We could what, Hero?
Hero pauses for a moment, then sighs, deciding to finally say it.
Hero: We could go ahead and start having sex again! There, you happy? I said it!
Foxxy: Oh, goddammit!
Hero: And what, exactly, is so bad about that, Foxxy? Am I supposed to not want to have sex with you? Is that it? Am I not supposed to find you attractive and desirable?
Foxxy: That's not it at all, Hero! It's what it indicates about you!
Hero: What does it indicate about me?
Foxxy: It indicates that not having sex with me is just killing you, and it tells me that you're having doubts about our relationship!
Hero: No, Foxxy! That's not it at all!
Foxxy: It seems to me that if you truly loved me, you'd be willing to go a whole lifetime without having sex with me!
Hero: A lifetime? That's a long time!
Foxxy: Nice math skills there, Hero.
Hero: Foxxy, I am trying to be patient. But ever since we set foot on this boat, you have been jealous, petty, and just as generally difficult as you could be. It's starting to make me seriously wonder if you're actually the sweet, loving, patient person I always thought you were. I'm starting to wonder if maybe you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with after all.
Foxxy: I'm starting to wonder the same thing!
Foxxy and Hero stare at each other angrily for a moment. Finally, they both sigh and look down.
Hero: What is this, Foxxy? What are we doing?
Foxxy: We're letting the stress get to us. That's what we're doing. (She looks up at Hero again.) But we can't do that, Hero. We have to be strong. Now more than ever.
Hero: You're right, Foxxy. We'll get through this.
Foxxy: Of course we will.
There is silence for a moment. After a moment, Foxxy speaks.
Foxxy: So...
Hero: So?
Foxxy: So what do we do now? Just sit here all night?
Hero: Well... I guess we could go back to our cabin.
Foxxy: Yeah, I guess we could. (She looks at Hero.) And do what? You'd better not say "have sex".
Hero: Well...
Foxxy: (not believing what she is hearing) Oh, come ON!
Hero: Well, why not? This whole cruise been one big misery trip so far, we might as well do SOMETHING to enjoy it!
Foxxy: Dear God. Have you not listened to anything I said?
Hero: I've listened to everything you've said, Foxxy! It's just that... I don't know what to do anymore at this point!
Foxxy: I see what it is. (Foxxy gets up from the table.) It's not that you don't love me enough not to have sex with me. It's that you are so dependent on sex for your mental stability that you can't even function as a human being without it! Well, if that's the way you're going to be, Hero, maybe this WAS a mistake! (Foxxy turns and walks away from Hero.)
Hero: Foxxy, wait! Where are you going?
Foxxy: Back to my cabin!
Hero: You mean our cabin.
Foxxy: (turning back to Hero) No, I mean MY cabin. I think you'd better find someplace else to sleep tonight!
With that, Foxxy turns and starts to walk out the door. However, she stops when she hears a voice.
UFG: (voice) Hello, Captain Hero.
Foxxy quickly turns back around to see Unusually Flexible Girl standing in front of Hero. Without missing a beat, she briskly walks back over to the table and grabs Hero out of his chair.
Foxxy: (dragging Hero with her) On second thought, I think you'd better stay in the cabin with me after all, where I can keep an eye on you!
UFG: Foxxy, please! I just need someone to talk to right now!
Foxxy: (holding her other palm out) Then you can just talk to the hand!
Foxxy drags Hero out of the bar. UFG stands looking very frustrated. She sits down, on the verge of tears. She begins sobbing. After a moment, somebody else walks up to her.
Reverend: Excuse me, fine lady. Is this seat taken?
UFG: (looking up to see Smack Daddy) No, not at all. Sit down.
Reverend: Can I buy you a drink, sweet thing?
UFG: I guess so. (She looks at him strangely.) Wait a minute. Aren't you that Christian rapper guy? I thought you didn't approve of alcohol.
Reverend: Only the blood of Jesus, darling. Only the blood of Jesus.
UFG: I see.
Reverend: Speaking of Jesus, are you a believer in the Lord, madam?
UFG: Actually, Reverend... I'm Jewish.
Reverend: Really? With that nose?
Unusually Flexible Girl rolls her eyes and sighs. The scene fades. The scene then fades back up to Hero on deck again.
Hero: (inner monologue) Foxxy and I spent the whole night just sitting there in our cabin together, not saying a word to each other. I might have been more worried about the state of our relationship, but the fact that even though she was totally pissed off at me, that she still wanted to make sure I didn't talk to Unusually Flexible Girl, I took as a sign that she still saw herself as my girl. That sure didn't make the night pass any easier, though. I thought that maybe things would be better once morning dawned again and we'd hopefully be thinking more clearly. That turned out to be EXTREMELY wishful thinking on my part.
The scene changes to Toot's cabin. Marty, Clara, and Ling-Ling are sitting around while Toot makes some last minute preparations in the mirror. They are all dressed up. Clara is obviously feeling some effects from the heat, rubbing her brow and fixing her hair as though to wipe perspiration from it.
Marty: Are you hot, Clara?
Clara: Well... I don't know. I mean, I think I'm pretty attractive, but hot? I don't know if I would go *that* far. I guess I *am* hot... but I probably shouldn't say it lest I sound conceited.
Marty: No, I meant, are you hot temperature-wise? You seem to be sweating a bit.
Clara: I'll be okay, Marty. Thanks. So can anyone tell me why we're all dressed up for the wedding rehearsal this time? We didn't do this when Toot got married!
Toot: (turning around to face the group) Because Foxxy and Hero aren't sure when they might be having the wedding. They told me that if we can go ahead and find a spot for the wedding rehearsal, we might have to do one quick run-through and then go ahead and have the wedding right after that.
Clara: Ah. I see. (She looks over at Toot.) Thank you, Exposition Fairy!
Toot: You're welcome! (walking away from the mirror) So are you guys ready to go?
Clara: I think so. (getting up from the bed) Where are the others?
Toot: I guess they're going to meet us there.
Clara: Meet us where?
Toot: At the place where we're having the wedding rehearsal! Duh!
Clara: Which is?
Toot: No more questions! Let's just go!
Clara: Go where?
Toot: To the site of the- you know.
Clara: No, I don't! Where are we- oh, forget it.
Toot: And Toot wins again!
As the group gets up and starts to walk out the door, Spanky suddenly shows up in the doorway. He is wearing a tuxedo.
Spanky: Hey, guys.
Toot: Hey, Spanky!
Marty: So... you finally decided to give in and put on the tuxedo, huh? Or is that a really, really, REALLY realistic tuxedo T-shirt?
Spanky: No. No, it's a real tuxedo.
Marty: So what changed your mind?
Spanky: Well, I originally wanted to wear the T-shirt because the tuxedo made my gut kind of stand out a bit and I was feeling kind of self-conscious about it. But I did some thinking about it, and I realized that even though I might be middle-aged, paunchy, and bald, it's okay, cause so is Dennis Franz, and he's awesome. (Spanky turns around toward the doorway.) Right, Dennis?
Dennis Franz: (walking by outside, winking and pointing to Spanky) Right, Spanky! (Dennis exits the scene. Spanky smiles and turns to the others.)
Toot: Well, all right then, you guys. Let's get this show on the road!
Clara: Sounds good!
The quintet leaves the cabin. Ling-Ling is still carrying his bag. They walk past Xandir's cabin. The door opens and Xandir walks out.
Xandir: Hey, guys!
Toot: Hey, Xandir.
Suddenly, a look of alarm crosses Ling-Ling's face. He looks at Xandir in total shock. Xandir notices the reaction.
Xandir: What is it? Ling-Ling? Do I still have a little stuff on my face? (He wipes his chin.) There, that should take care of it!
Clara: Xandir, what's that you're carrying with you?
Xandir: Oh, it's just my- oh, look! (He sees Ling-Ling's bag. We see that Xandir is carrying an identical Hello Kitty bag. He holds it out for Ling-Ling to see.) Look, Ling-Ling! We have the same bag! We're purse twins!
Ling-Ling: (still in shock) Uh huh.
Xandir: Oh, this is just so cool! Well, I'll see you guys at the rehearsal!
With that, Xandir, happily swinging his purse, turns and skips down the walkway away from the group. Ling-Ling stands looking at his bag for a moment, then opens one of the cabin doors and chucks the bag inside. He rejoins the group as they continue on their way. The scene changes to another part of the ship. We see Hero in his cabin getting into his tux while Foxxy, wearing the same fancy evening dress we see her wearing in the monologue sequences, sits in a chair.
Hero: So do you know where we're going to be having the rehearsal today, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Well, hopefully, the grand ballroom, but if not, I think with Spanky's help, we can clear the pool area for a makeshift rehearsal spot if we have to.
Hero: The pool? But that won't be anywhere NEAR large enough to have the wedding!
Foxxy: Well, no. There'll be no place for the guests to sit. But we don't need the guests for the rehearsal, and the place is just big enough for the ceremony itself.
Hero: Why don't we get married IN the pool? The guests can sit around the pool, and the wedding party will be IN it! I'm sure we can get the others on board with it. Spanky wouldn't have to wear a tux... Clara wouldn't have to wear high heels... Xandir wouldn't have to wear anything...
Foxxy: Actually, Hero, that's not a bad idea. But since I'm six months pregnant at the moment, I'm not really anxious for the wedding photos to have me in my swimsuit.
Hero: Ah. I see.
Foxxy: And even IF we all got in the pool, that area isn't THAT big. There still wouldn't be enough room for all the guests to be comfortable or to have a reception or anything.
Hero: I guess you're right. I just wanted to have a backup plan in case we couldn't get the grand ballroom for some reason.
Foxxy: Don't worry, Hero. We'll get the grand ballroom. I'm going to MAKE Smack Daddy give it to us. And I can be pretty convincing when I want to be!
Hero: That's sure the truth.
Foxxy: (getting up) I'm going to go see if I can find him now to find out when his next show is. I think I'm going to try to plan on making that our wedding date.
Hero: Even if it's tonight?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. Even if it's tonight. (Hero's face breaks out in a slight smile. Foxxy walks over to Hero.) Hero, look. I know this no-sex pact of ours has taken its toll on our sanity this week.
Hero: Yes.
Foxxy: But look at it this way. It's almost over now, and we're still okay. This means our relationship can withstand anything. Now aren't you glad we waited instead of giving in to temptation?
Hero: I guess I am. I guess you were right again, Foxxy. (Foxxy nods.)
Foxxy: Okay, well... I'm going to go find Reverend Smack Daddy and see if maybe we can't go ahead and tie the knot with each other.
Hero: You want to marry Reverend Smack Daddy? But I thought you wanted to marry ME!
Foxxy: (sighing, but trying to patient) No, Hero. I meant that I'm going to try to find him so you and I can be married.
Hero: Oh. Okay, then. (Foxxy turns and walks toward the door.) I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, okay?
Foxxy: You bet.
Foxxy walks out the door. She heads down the walkway toward the bow of the ship. Reverend Smack Daddy seems to be nowhere to be found. Foxxy continues searching the ship some more. Finally, up on deck, she runs into another figure.
Foxxy: Excuse me? I know you're probably sick of seeing me by now.
Denise: I don't know when we'll have a spot for your stupid wedding, okay? When I find something out, I'll let you know, but in the meantime, quit pestering me!
Foxxy: Actually, that wasn't what I was going to ask you about. I was just wondering if you might know where Reverend Smack Daddy is.
Denise: Don't have a stinking clue. Any other questions?
Foxxy: That's okay, I'll find him myself. So do you know when his next show will be?
Denise: Next show? What are you talking about? His show is over!
Foxxy: Well, I know one of his shows is over. But he told me that he's putting on three shows. I just want to know when the next one will be.
Denise: There is no next one! Last night was his third show! His gig is over now!
Foxxy: Oh, is it, now.
Denise: For all I know, he may not even be on this boat anymore!
Foxxy: It's a nonstop cruise from California to Hawaii. Where on earth would he go?
Denise: I don't know. Maybe he was having sex with a fish or something. Like, for another loophole in his no premarital sex rule.
At that moment, we see that Hero has left the cabin and is heading down the walkway. He arrives on deck to see Foxxy arguing with Denise.
Foxxy: Look, there has to be some mistake. He has to have at least one more show left!
Denise: Well, he doesn't! Look! (Denise hands Foxxy a cruise itinerary. Foxxy looks at it.) You've been on this cruise for three days, and he's had one show each day. Last night was show number three. Now if you're that hard-up to see this guy perform, then go buy one of his records. Or better yet, go buy a copy of the Kama Sutra and write in it after each line "but only if you're married"!
Foxxy: (starting to become crestfallen) Wow. So it's really all over. We missed our chance.
Denise: Yep. Sucks, doesn't it?
Hero walks over to Foxxy.
Hero: Hey, Foxxy! You find Smack Daddy?
Foxxy: No, Hero. I didn't find Smack Daddy.
Hero: That sucks. So when's our wedding going to be?
Foxxy: I don't know, Hero.
Hero: Why not? You told me that Smack Daddy was going to stop one of his shows early so we could have the wedding. So when's his next show going to be?
Foxxy: Never!
Hero: What?
Foxxy: Look at this! (She hands Hero the cruise itinerary. He looks at it.) All of Smack Daddy's shows is over! Last night was the last one! Now we don't have any place to have our wedding!
Hero: Well, that sucks.
Foxxy: Gee, you think?
Hero: But wait a minute. Foxxy, aren't you supposed to be performing a show too? You could just stop YOUR show early and we could have the wedding after IT!
Foxxy: Well... I hate to do that to my fans, but desperate times call for desperate measures. (She begins to look at the paper.) Now, let's just find out when MY show is supposed to be. (She quickly scans the paper.) This doesn't make sense. My name doesn't seem to be on here! (Foxxy hands the paper back to Denise.) Miss Cruise Director, could you tell me when Foxxy Love is supposed to be performing? (Denise reluctantly looks over the paper.)
Denise: Foxxy Love... Foxxy Love... ah. Here we go.
Foxxy: Finally.
Denise: Looks like Foxxy Love's show has been cancelled. (Foxxy becomes outraged.)
Foxxy: Excuse me? What the hell? CANCELLED? How the hell could my show be cancelled? I never cancelled it!
Denise: You didn't. We did.
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Cruise Director?
Denise: The truth is, Miss Love... I'm assuming Foxxy Love is who YOU are?
Foxxy: Yes.
Denise: The truth is, nobody really wants a washed up one-hit wonder playing a big cruise liner like this. So we booked M.C. Hammer instead.
Foxxy: M.C. Hammer???
Denise: Yeah. He had two hits. So, sorry, but... looks like no show for you. (She walks away, tossing the paper back in Foxxy's face.) Ta ta!
Denise exits the scene. Foxxy turns to Hero, extremely angry.
Hero: It'll be okay, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (extremely touchy) Oh, really, Hero? Will it?
Hero: We'll find a place for the wedding, Foxxy. I promise!
Foxxy: Yeah, yeah.
Hero: Foxxy, there's no need to be getting upset with ME. It'll be okay. I promise!
Foxxy: Yes, well, that's not really in your power to promise, is it, Hero?
Hero: Foxxy, I understand you're upset, and you have every right to be. But I don't understand why you're taking it out on ME. (Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment. The scene quickly changes back to Hero on deck.)
Hero: (inner monologue) There were a hundred things I could have said just then that would have pacified Foxxy. I could have told her that I'd use my superpowers to solve everything, or that I'd bully some of the ship people around until they gave us what we wanted... or I could simply have just apologized to her and promised to be more sensitive the next time. But out of all the things I could have said... I ended up choosing the one thing that would actually make things much, much worse.
Cut back to Hero and Foxxy. She is still glaring at Hero.
Hero: Is this about Unusually Flexible Girl?
Foxxy's eyes flare up in an expression halfway between extreme rage and utter disbelief. Foxxy punches Hero in the stomach and continues to stand there just staring at him. Hero clutches his stomach in pain. He looks up after a moment to see that Foxxy is still standing there staring at him. He looks at her plaintively.
Hero: All right, then, Foxxy. If that's the way you feel about things... then I guess there's just one thing I need to do.
With that, Hero turns and walks away. Foxxy watches him go. Her expression is still very angry at first, but after a moment, she softens and begins to look regretful. The scene fades. It fades back up to Foxxy on deck.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I felt bad about the way I had treated Hero. I knew I was being unnecessarily hard on him, but... my temper was just about at breaking point, and his complete inability to see the point was not making things any better. I realized there were still some problems between us, but I knew that before I did anything else, I had to go make things right with him. I went off looking for Captain Hero, but I was having some trouble finding him. He wasn't in our cabin. I checked to see if he might have gone to the pool, but he wasn't there either. He wasn't in any of our housemates' cabins... or in the bar... or on deck... I didn't know where he was. There was ONE part of the ship I was deliberately trying to avoid looking in. But surely... surely, out of all the places in the world, he wouldn't have gone THERE.
The scene changes to Toot and Clara walking down the walkway.
Toot: I don't get it. I thought I convinced him to give up that fundamentalist crap he was spouting.
Clara: Well, apparently he read the Bible again, and he found some more passages that convinced him he was right in the first place. So he's back to the exact same thing he was doing before.
Toot: I still don't see why you can't just throw him overboard, Clara!
Clara: I can't throw Wooldoor overboard, Toot. Annoying as he is.
Toot: If it's any comfort, I doubt he'd drown. He'd probably get rescued by a dolphin or something.
Clara: That's my point. I couldn't do that to the dolphin!
Toot nods as the girls continue on their way. They run into Foxxy coming the other way.
Foxxy: Hey there, you two!
Toot: Hey, Foxxy. What's up?
Foxxy: My nipples, thanks to this cool ocean breeze that's blowing right at the moment. But that's not important now. Has either of y'all seen Captain Hero?
Clara: Captain Hero? Um... why?
Foxxy: I just need to talk to him, that's all.
Toot: He's in Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, Foxxy. (Clara looks at Toot with alarm. Foxxy raises her eyebrows.)
Foxxy: Oh, is he now? Well, thank you very much for that information, Toot. I will see you two later!
Toot: At the wedding rehearsal?
Foxxy: We'll see!
Foxxy storms off. Clara looks at Toot with concern.
Clara: Toot... are you sure you should have told Foxxy that? I have a feeling there could be big trouble over it.
Toot: Oh, what's the problem, Clara? It's not like there's anything actually HAPPENING between them in there!
The scene immediately cuts to Foxxy clutching the doorknob to UFG's cabin. She opens the door. We instantly see Captain Hero, dressed in only his underwear, sitting on the bed next to UFG, who is under the covers, but who appears to be completely naked. Hero has his arm around her, hugging her. Hero looks up to see Foxxy glaring at him.
Hero: Foxxy! No! This is not what you think!
Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment, then without saying a word, she turns around, slamming the door behind her, and storms off. Hero sits on the bed looking flabbergasted for a moment, then quickly gets up. Without even bothering to put his clothes back on, he hurries out the door in pursuit of Foxxy. UFG sits on the bed looking surprised.
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