Drawn Together by Love

[Raymond-Raymond]

DRAWN TOGETHER BY LOVE

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Hero and Xandir walk into the living room.

Hero: And that's where this rash comes from.

Xandir: You know, Captain Hero, it would probably go away if you just changed your underwear more often.

Hero: (looking completely confused) Underwear? (He suddenly gets a look of shock on his face. We see that Ling-Ling is about to commit seppuku.) Ling-Ling! No! (He rushes over to Ling-Ling. He hurriedly grabs a newspaper and lays it on the floor in front of Ling-Ling.) Not on the carpet!

Ling-Ling looks at Hero in anger.

Xandir: What's wrong, Ling-Ling? What's got you wanting to commit suicide? (Ling-Ling looks down in sadness, but does not answer.) I mean, you must have a reason for wanting to kill yourself. Your name isn't Toot Braunstein, after all!

Toot: (from other room) I heard that!

Xandir: Toot, I promise you I take it back. Just as long as you're not killing yourself right at this moment.

Cut to Toot dousing herself with kerosene while holding a match in the other hand. Also, suspended directly above her is a giant platform with sharp spikes, being held in place by a frayed rope that is snapping apart cord by cord.

Toot: (angrily) Of course I'm not, Xandir!

Xandir: Then get in here! We've got a crisis on our hands!

Toot: Fine. (She starts to get up. However, she accidentally trips over the rope and drops the match. The rope catches fire and begins coming apart more rapidly. In the meantime, the kerosene around her feet ignites. She looks up at the descending platform as her legs catch fire.) Uh oh.

Cut back to the living room.

Xandir: Now then, Ling-Ling. (We hear a shriek coming from the room where Toot was, but Xandir ignores it.) You want to tell us what this is all about? (Ling-Ling hands him a letter. Xandir reads it aloud.) Dear Mr. Ling. We regret to inform you that we are unable to grant your request for a new visa... (He reads silently for a moment, then puts the letter down in shock.) Oh my God! This is a letter from the immigration department! Ling-Ling is being kicked out of the country!

CUE OPENING TITLES

The girls' bedroom. Clara sits on the bed forlornly while Foxxy walks around looking at her strangely.

Foxxy: Clara. Clara, honey, what's wrong?

Clara: Oh, nothing, Foxxy.

Foxxy (in confessional): Nothing, she says. All depressed. I don't know why, but I suspected she might not be telling me the truth.

Foxxy: Now come on, Clara, I know when something's bothering you. You're about as transparent as the underwear I tell people I've got on. Why don't you just tell Foxxy what's the matter?

Clara: Well, if you must know... Tom and I broke up. (Foxxy is stunned.)

Foxxy: What? You broke up with that fine hunk of man? Girl, you better be joking me!

Clara: (in confessional) One of these days I'm going to buy Foxxy a grammar book.

Clara: He was a real jerk, Foxxy. And he was even dumber than Captain Hero!

Hero: (from outside the room) I heard that!

Clara: I'm sorry, Captain Hero, I shouldn't have said that. You're far dumber than he was.

Hero: That's better!

Foxxy: So he wasn't the kind of guy who you could sit around and discuss Shakespeare with! That doesn't mean you had to break up with him!

Clara: He wasn't the kind of guy I could discuss anything with. All he wanted me for was my body.

Foxxy: (completely confused) What's he supposed to want you for?

Clara: My mind! My heart! My soul... (she pauses and sighs)

Foxxy: (in confessional) Here we go again...

Foxxy: Look, Clara, I know they probably taught you in the Bible to love someone for the person they are inside, but there's something you need to know. (takes Clara's hands in the manner of a heart-to-heart chat) That kind of talk's just for ugly people! You are a beautiful princess! Now you go out and get you some nasty!

Clara: (in confessional) I didn't know "nasty" could be used as a noun! Seriously- I'm getting her a grammar book!

Clara: I don't want some nasty, Foxxy! I want to find my true love. I want to find someone so special I could spend my entire life with them never even thinking about sex! I mean, theoretically.

Foxxy: I am so glad you added that last word. Even though I've got no idea what it means! Now why don't you come on downstairs and join us all, okay? Maybe your true love is down there!

Clara: In this house? Are you kidding?

Foxxy: He might be. Theoretically.

Clara: I thought you didn't know what that word meant.

Foxxy: What word?

Cut back to Ling-Ling. Spanky, Wooldoor, and Toot have now joined the group.

Xandir: (holding letter) This doesn't make sense, Ling-Ling! Why would the INS refuse to renew your visa? You haven't done anything against the law, have you?

Ling-Ling has a flashback. He is in the middle of a crowded city, hovering a few feet above the ground next to a giant skyscraper. He is in battle mode, hurling energy balls all around at people, and randomly killing and eating passersby.

Ling-Ling: Nothing Ling-Ling can think of!

Xandir: Well, we've got to think of a way we can keep you in the country! (Foxxy can be seen descending the stairs)

Spanky: Actually, there's a very simple way he can stay in the country! All he has to do is marry an American citizen and his citizenship is guaranteed!

Wooldoor: But who would he marry? (Everyone looks at Xandir)

Xandir (in confessional) It was really starting to annoy me that every time someone has a problem that can be fixed with a quickie marriage, I'm always the one they go to! And I wasn't even going to get ice show tickets out of this one!

Xandir: What are you all looking at me for?

Hero: Um... you've got something on your chin. (turns around and blows something into his hand, then quickly puts it on Xandir's chin)

Xandir: (sarcastically) Thanks, Captain Hero. A day's just not complete without your gob on my face. (wipes it off) No, what I was going to suggest is that Ling-Ling get married to his little friend Ni-Pul.

Ling-Ling: That not work. Ni-Pul not citizen either. She here on scholarship to Battle Monster Training School. She fight well against me, but Sailor Moon kick her ass.

Foxxy: I'll tell you what, Ling-Ling. You once did me a big, big favor by taking my SAT's for me, and then saving me from that monster. I'll marry you.

Ling-Ling: (sighs) That okay, I guess. (The others notice his reaction.)

Wooldoor: What's wrong, Ling-Ling? You should be overjoyed! Now you get to stay in the country!

Spanky: I know what it is! He's just sad about having to give up that swinging bachelor life of his! Is that it?

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling found thought of marriage depressing, but not for reason Spanky gave. Ling-Ling would be more than happy to settle down, but only with right person...

Ling-Ling: No, Ling-Ling want to get married. But only to- (he breaks off. Foxxy begins to look at him curiously.)

Toot: All I know is it can't be me! I'm already engaged to my boyfriend Frederick!

Spanky: Wasn't Frederick made up?

Toot: No!

Wooldoor: No, he was! You made him up in high school and then you wrote it down in your diary!

Toot: How do you know what I wrote in my diary?

Wooldoor: Captain Hero read it to me with his X-ray vision! Snooping is fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Foxxy picks Ling-Ling up.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling. (She smiles) Is there someone special you've already got your eye on?

Ling-Ling has another flashback which takes the form of a montage. First we see the scene from "Hot Tub" where Ling-Ling challenges Clara to a battle. Then we see a scene of Ling-Ling pulling a souffle out of the oven and handing it lovingly to Clara, who says, "Why, thank you, Ling-Ling!". The next scene shows Clara crying. Ling-Ling walks over to her to comfort her. She picks him up and hugs him, and says, "Thank you, Ling-Ling. I don't know what I'd do without you."

The scene cuts back to the present. Just at that moment, Clara finally walks downstairs. Ling-Ling turns and looks at her while more memories flash by in his head. Foxxy notices the look he gives her. Clara passes into the kitchen, completely unaware of what happened. Foxxy turns Ling-Ling around so he is facing her.

Foxxy: Well, I'll be a broken menorah at Christmas time! Our little Ling-Ling has a crush on the princess!

Ling-Ling (in confessional): It true. Ling-Ling cannot deny feelings any longer. Ever since reading that book, Ling-Ling always wear heart on sleeve. Damn you, Dr. Phil!

Hero: Is that true, Ling-Ling? Are you in love with Clara?

Xandir: Well, I think it's sweet! And I think you'd make a really cute couple! You know, once you get past the possible bestiality issue.

Wooldoor: Go tell Clara how you feel, Ling-Ling! I'm sure she'd love to marry you!

Ling-Ling starts to go over to Clara, but is stopped by Foxxy.

Foxxy: Hold up. Clara would never consent to an interracial marriage! Even if it was just for play-play!

Ling-Ling (annoyed): Ling-Ling's feelings for real-real, not for play-play! Marriage to princess be same way! Princess change mind when Ling-Ling offer her true love.

Spanky: Wow. The little guy's actually going to go for it. (Ling-Ling begins walking toward Clara. When he is out of earshot, Spanky turns to the group.) Twenty bucks says she makes him cry!

Xandir: No way, Spanky! Clara would never do that to Ling-Ling!

Spanky: So you think she'll marry him?

Xandir: No. But she'll let him down easy.

Wooldoor: I'll take your bet, Spanky! I think she'll marry him!

Spanky: You're on, Wooldoor! (looks up) Thank Allah for retards!

Clara sits at the kitchen table eating breakfast, still somewhat down. Ling-Ling approaches her.

Clara: Oh, hello, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Hello... (struggles to pronounce her name) Crale... Cray... Crayla! (Clara looks at him strangely.)

Clara: Ling-Ling... you called me by my name. Sort of. You've never done that before.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have something to ask lovely princess.

Clara: (becoming touched by Ling-Ling's cuteness) Oh, what is it, Ling-Ling?

As Spanky and Wooldoor enter, Ling-Ling shows Clara the letter.

Clara: Oh no, Ling-Ling, this is awful! There must be something we can do to keep you here!

Spanky: Actually, there's something YOU can do! If Ling-Ling marries an American citizen, he can stay here.

Clara: Why, I'd be glad to marry you, Ling-Ling! (Ling-Ling gets very excited.)

Spanky: Damn, I lost! I forgot how retards always seem to get lucky. Here's that twenty bucks I owe you, Wooldoor. (He hands Wooldoor the money.)

Clara: Unfortunately I can't. (Ling-Ling is disappointed.)

Spanky: (grabs his money back from Wooldoor) Ha! And now you owe ME twenty! (reaches into Wooldoor's pocket and grabs twenty more)

Clara: I'm not a citizen either. I come from my own kingdom, remember? (Ling-Ling is crushed, but Clara begins to think.) Wait a minute... now that I think about it, my father bought me American citizenship for my last birthday!

Clara (in confessional): I was so disappointed. I wanted a pony.

Clara: That means I can marry you after all! (He reaches out his arms happily to hug her. She picks him up and cuddles him.)

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee! That means I win after all! Give me back that money, Spanky!

Spanky: I can't. I spent it already.

The rest of the group enter.

Foxxy: Did I just hear right? Clara, are you and Ling-Ling actually going to tie the knot?

Clara: Looks like it!

Xandir: Wow, this is incredible! I want to throw you guys such a big engagement party!

Clara: Now don't get carried away, Xandir. I mean, it's not like this is a real wedding. I'm just doing this so Ling-Ling can stay in the country. (Ling-Ling turns away so the others don't see his disappointment.) We might as well just make this quick.

Xandir: Oh, you're no fun!

Clara: Ling-Ling, you go call everyone you want to be at the wedding, and I'll do the same. Wooldoor can marry us, and if possible, we'll see if we can do this all today.

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling sad Clara not taking this more seriously. But wedding was the important thing. That, and registering for silver samurai swords that double as steak knives.

The scene changes to the Drawn Together house later that day. The wedding is in progress. Ling-Ling stands at the altar in a powder blue tuxedo while his friend Godzilla stands behind him as his best man. We can also see Ling-Ling’s father and Clara's cousin Bleh in attendance, as well as Ling-Ling's friends from the role-playing exercise. Hero is dressed up as a flower girl yet again. Ling-Ling looks eagerly at the back of the house. Finally, Clara enters, looking absolutely stunning in her wedding dress. We see Ling-Ling's heart noticeably skip a beat. Xandir walks her down the aisle and gives her away. As she takes her place in front of her maid of honor Foxxy, the ceremony begins.

Wooldoor: Clara, do you take this battle monster to be your lawfully wedded husband for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, and a whole bunch of other complicated stuff I don't feel like getting into at the moment?

Clara: I do.

Wooldoor: And do you, Ling-Ling-

Ling-Ling (interrupting): Ling-Ling do!

Wooldoor: By the powers vested in me by the state of... well, whatever state it is we're in... I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

Ling-Ling looks up trying to smooch Clara but doesn't even come close to reaching her. Clara tries to lean down, but discovers that it hurts her back to lean that far. Finally, she picks him up and they kiss.

Wooldoor: This was fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Cut to Spanky urinating on the cake. Toot sees what he is doing and becomes upset.

Toot: Damn it, Spanky! I was going to eat that!

Spanky: I know! I thought you might like it with a little lemon!

Toot: Spanky, you ruin everything! (Spanky shrugs and walks off. Toot thinks for a second, then lets out a cry of frustration and begins eating the cake anyway.)

Cut back to Clara holding Ling-Ling.

Clara: (playfully) So what now, my beloved?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling going to take you on most romantic honeymoon ever!

Clara: You mean I get an actual honeymoon? (Ling-Ling nods, "Of course") Wow, Ling-Ling. I know this is just for fun and all, but I have to admit, it is kind of romantic. You are going to make some little battle monster a wonderful partner one of these days.

A look of anger crosses Ling-Ling's face, which Clara does not see. As Clara stands there holding Ling-Ling, the scene slowly pans out. Before it fades, we see the cake now almost gone, while Toot sits almost completely covered in frosting.

Cut to Ling-Ling and Clara on the beach in Jamaica. Ling-Ling is wearing a huge pair of Jamaica shorts that come almost to his feet, a visor, and shades, and is sipping a drink almost as tall as he is. Clara lies beside him in her swimsuit sunbathing.

Clara: Wow, I never would have expected it, Ling-Ling, but this actually is romantic! (She begins cuddling him) You really are a sweetheart, you know that?

Ling-Ling: (acting cool) Ling-Ling know. Ling-Ling could have told you that.

Clara: You know, Father took me to this same beach the last time we were in Jamaica. But this is so much more romantic. I mean, this is kind of crazy, but... (a smile crosses her face) are we moving a bit too fast, spending a whole weekend alone together so soon...?

Ling Ling: It not too soon, babe. Ling-Ling like you long time. Just afraid you not return feelings. So Ling-Ling not say anything until now. Princess make Ling-Ling feel pretty... turn vicious battle monster into delicious four legged snack. (Clara laughs)

Clara: You're funny, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling looks confused)

Ling-Ling (in confessional) Why princess say Ling-Ling funny? Ling-Ling no recall saying anything about priest, minister, and Buddhist monk walking into dojo.

Clara begins to stroke Ling-Ling playfully.

Ling-Ling: Don't pull Ling-Ling ears so hard next time. Ears long enough.

Clara: Baby, did you ever think you would have an inter-species relationship?

Ling-Ling: Having inter-species relationship is like first time battling different type warrior. Big kick at first, but blood all the same on inside before you spill all over ground.

Clara: You are so good with the romantic talk. No wonder you're such a hit with the ladies.

Ling-Ling: Please, Carla, let's not live in past.

Clara: Oh, right, I forgot. You're a little player, aren't you?

Ling-Ling: Does William Howard Taft have fast catlike reflexes?

Clara: I suppose that means I'm going to have to tame you.

Ling-Ling: (making sexy eyes at her) Rrrrrrrowr! (She laughs again.)

Clara: But thinking of the past, though. Ling-Ling, do you remember how the first week we were in the house together, you tried to challenge me to a battle, and you ended up killing Toot instead?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling remember, babe. Only with you it was going to be battle-as-love metaphor type battle. When Ling-Ling had to fight Toot instead, Ling-Ling made it regular killing type battle.

Clara: I guess I should take that as the first sign that you really loved me. (He nods enthusiastically.)

Clara (in confessional): It was strange. I know we were just playing around, but somehow, all the romantic talk... felt kind of... real. As if there might actually be something going on under the surface between us.

Clara: Ling-Ling, I know that I've always said people shouldn't marry outside their race, but then, I never expected to meet someone as wonderful as you.

Ling-Ling: And Ling-Ling always say he never dip crispy noodle in two-legged princess duck sauce, but then princess go and prove Ling-Ling wrong! Ling-Ling bring shame to family. But it good kind of shame.

Clara: Do you mean it, Ling-Ling? Are you really going to give up your hectic social life for me? Because I may have opened my mind about a lot of things, but I'm still a firm believer in monogamy.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling believe in monogamy too. Ling-Ling always faithful to partner until he break up with her next morning. (She laughs again.)

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Again, why princess laughing? Ling-Ling not a damn comedian! You see Ling-Ling telling funny stories about mother-in-law?

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut back to the Drawn Together house. Hero and Toot are shoving each other violently.

Hero: For the last time, that's MY toothbrush!

Toot: Is not!

Hero: Is too!

They begin to fight. Foxxy enters the hallway, followed by Spanky and Wooldoor. Foxxy steps in between Hero and Toot and breaks up the fight.

Foxxy: Now hold on there, you two! There's no need to resort to violence.

Wooldoor: (disappointed) Awwwwwww...

Spanky: Foxxy always spoils the fun! (He and Wooldoor leave.)

Foxxy: Now what's this all about?

Toot: Captain Hero's trying to take my Hello Kitty toothbrush!

Hero: It's my Hello Kitty toothbrush! Tell her, Foxxy!

Foxxy: As much as it pains me to say this... Toot is right!

Hero: (stunned) What?

Foxxy: We all know that Captain Hero would never brush his teeth with a brush with Hello Kitty on it! No, I think THIS is Captain Hero's toothbrush! (She hands Hero the brush.)

Hero: (excited) My Little Mermaid toothbrush! Wherever did you find it?

Foxxy: On the floor under your bed next to some magazines.

Hero: Hooray! (he runs off gleefully)

Toot: While we're at it, Foxxy, have you seen my Beauty and the Beast comb? None of the guys say they've seen it, and I've looked all over our room for it.

Foxxy: Come to think of it, I do remember seeing it the other day sitting next to Clara's suitcase. I wonder if maybe she accidentally took it with her on her trip. I'll ask her. (She gets her phone out.)

Cut to a hotel room in Jamaica. Ling-Ling stands preening in front of a mirror. He makes several sexy faces, then tries to flex and make a muscle. As he is doing this, Clara comes out. Instead of her purple princess dress, she is wearing a cotton sundress with a floral print, and instead of her purple pumps, she is wearing sandals. She also has on sunglasses, and her tiara is nowhere to be seen.

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, I'm about to go shopping. You coming with me?

Ling-Ling: In a minute. (looking at mirror) You talking to Ling-Ling? Is Ling-Ling clown? Do he amuse you? (points his hand at mirror like a gun) Tell Ling-Ling something. You feel... lucky? Ling-Ling no see good luck in your fortune cookie!

As Clara sorts through her handbag, her phone rings. She answers it.

Foxxy: Hello, Clara?

Clara: Hi, Foxxy! I'm glad you called. Ling-Ling and I are having the best time down here! The other day we saw a beached whale. He pretended it was a vicious monster and tried to protect me from it. It was the cutest thing!

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling thought it was Toot trying to horn in on our fun.

Foxxy: That's great, Clara. I need to ask you something real quick. When you were packing for your trip, did you accidentally take Toot's Beauty and the Beast comb?

Clara: Hold on, I'll check. (She gets her comb.) Oh my gosh, you're right, Foxxy! I must have accidentally grabbed it instead of my Lion King comb! Please tell Toot I'm sorry.

Foxxy: Oh, that's okay, Clara. So are you enjoying the honeymoon?

Clara: I've been having a wonderful time, Foxxy. It's been so nice I've almost forgotten it isn't even a real honeymoon.

Ling-Ling (in confessional): (angry) Ling-Ling may be small, but he not invisible, people!

Foxxy: I'm almost kind of jealous of you, you know? If Ling-Ling had accepted my offer, I'd be the one down there right now instead of you.

Clara: Your offer? What do you mean?

Foxxy: Before you came downstairs that day, I told Ling-Ling I'd marry him to help him stay in the country, but he didn't seem interested. But it's all right. I couldn't have gone to Jamaica no way because of my probation. (Clara removes her glasses. She stands there expressionless, slowly taking in what Foxxy has just told her. Foxxy continues unaware.) Now how was the Foxxy supposed to know it was illegal to have sex while you're trying to drive a car! I just wish the cop I was giving it to at the time had of told me that!

Clara: Thanks, Foxxy. I'll call you later, okay? Bye. (She hangs up and turns to Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, that was Foxxy Love. She told me something very interesting.

Ling-Ling: (with a grin) Suggestions for wedding night?

Clara: No. She says she offered to marry you, but you turned her down. Why?

They look at each other for a moment. Suddenly, Clara realizes.

Clara: You wanted to marry me. Specifically, me. This wasn't just about staying in the country, was it? You... you love me.

Ling-Ling: I'm sorry, Carla. Ling-Ling understand if you want to leave.

Clara: I don't believe it. You actually love me. All this time... this whole trip together... you weren't playing. All those sweet, romantic things you said to me. You really meant them.

Clara (in confessional): I couldn't believe what I had done. It had never bothered me marrying Ling-Ling when I thought I was just helping a friend, but this... this was a real marriage. I, Princess Clara, the whitest of all whitebreads, had become romantically involved with a man of another race. Suddenly I understood what Alanis Morisette meant in that song. Isn't it ironic, indeed.

Clara: Ling-Ling, you have to understand how hard this is for me. I'm a princess married to an Asian person. I have a long history of racism in all situations! And somehow, right now, all I can think about is the wonderful time I've had these past few days, and how... I've finally found someone who truly loves me for me. (Ling-Ling is expressionless, eagerly clinging to her every word.) My housemates would tease me to no end if they every heard me say this, but... (a big smile crosses her face) I think I love you too, Ling-Ling!

Ling-Ling lets out a shout of exultation. Clara picks him up. They kiss.

Clara (in confessional): It began as a marriage of convenience. But somehow along the way, we discovered the one thing we never counted on… love.

As the two continue to kiss, they collapse back on the bed as fireworks begin going off outside.

Cut to the Drawn Together house. It is several days later. Foxxy, Spanky, and Xandir are watching television. The phone rings. Foxxy picks it up.

Foxxy: Hello! Daddy’s House of Prostitution! This is Chocolandra! How may I help you?

Voice: Very funny. May I speak to Clara?

Foxxy: Clara? Let me guess. You were having an intimate moment with your ladyfriend, and you accidentally soiled that heart-shaped red G-string of yours and you need Clara, aka the Spotless Wonder to make it all clean and pure again cause it just don't turn you on when it's dirty! Well, listen, loverboy, there's a lot to be said for the erotic appeal of dirty laundry.

Voice: Foxxy, when I want to hear talk like that, I’ll call you at work, all right? Just put Clara on!

Foxxy: Fine. (Laughing hysterically, she hands the phone to Spanky.)

Spanky: Daddy’s House of Prostitution! This is Daddy speaking. Look, I’m sorry about how my girl talked to you just now. She’s not very good with the phone skills. But she makes up for it in other areas! (He begins to laugh as well.)

Voice: I’m not in the mood, pig. Just put my daughter on the line!

Spanky: (holding phone down, but still laughing) Holy crap! It's Clara's dad!

Xandir: That's enough of the funny business, Spanky. (picks up phone) Hello, your highness. This is Xandir. How can I help you?

Voice: I want-

Xandir: Now I'd better tell you up front that kissing is ten, and any additional fondling is fifty bucks a cop. Now if you bring your own equipment with you this time, we can get you a discount!

Voice: (growing angry) May I please speak with my daughter now?

Xandir: (to housemates) Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted. (to phone) I'm sorry, your highness. Clara isn't here right now. But she's supposed to come back from her honeymoon today, so she'll be here a little later.

Voice (Very angry) Honeymoon? (Xandir immediately realized he committed a faux pas.)

Xandir: Um... um... (He hands phone to Spanky hurriedly) Bail me out, Spanky!

Spanky: (into phone) Thank you very much for your order today, sir. Your total will be one thousand, one hundred and seventy-six dollars! Just make your check payable to Daddy’s House of Prostitution!

The man on the other end hangs up. Spanky and Foxxy continue laughing while Xandir sits embarrassed.

Spanky: I told you guys this would be even funnier than that thing with the pizza man! (notices Xandir is not laughing) Xandir! My man, what's wrong?

Xandir: That was Clara's father.

Foxxy: We know. So what's the big deal? He's cool.

Xandir: He's very angry right now.

Spanky: Oh come on, he can take a joke.

Xandir: That's not it. Clara never told her father she got married. (They stop laughing)

Foxxy: Uh oh.

Spanky: I see a paddling in her future.

Xandir: Uh huh.

Spanky: And her father's probably going to punish her too.

Just then, the door opens. Clara enters, still in her floral print sundress and sandals. On her chest she is wearing a baby carrier which has Ling-Ling inside.

Clara: Hey, everyone, guess who’s back! (Everyone is silent) Um, you guys, you don’t have to actually guess, but you do need to say something.

Spanky: Hi, Clara.

Clara: (to Ling-Ling) Wow, our first trip back to the house as a married couple and this is all the reception we get.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling told you we should have stayed in Jamaica.

Clara: So what’s going on, guys?

Xandir: Clara, I think your father is on his way here.

Clara: Oh, Daddy’s coming to see me? That’s great!

Foxxy: Did you tell him you were married?

Clara: (thinks for a second) No, I guess I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t think about telling my family.

Spanky: You told your cousin Bleh.

Clara: That’s because poor Bleh doesn’t get out much, and I thought she’d enjoy a day away from the institution.

Xandir: So why didn’t you tell your father?

Clara: To be honest, I didn’t really think about it. I mean, at the time, I wasn’t even taking this whole marriage thing seriously.

Foxxy: What do you mean, “at the time”?

In the distance, trumpet fanfare can be heard. Two bodyguards enter the house, followed by the King.

King: Hello, Clara.

Clara: Hello, Father! (she hugs him)

King: Been on a little trip now, have we?

Clara: Yes, I have. (Her tone becomes very serious) Um, look, Father. There’s something I have to tell you.

King: You got married. Is that it?

Clara: Yes, Father. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. The only reason was that-

King: So who is it? Someone in this house?

Clara: Yes, Father. In fact it is someone in this house.

King: I knew it! You married that disgusting pig, didn’t you!

Clara: No, Father, I didn’t marry Spanky.

King: The moronic muscleman in the blue tights?

Clara: No, not Captain Hero.

A sleazy smile crosses the King’s face. He leers at Foxxy.

King: The sexy servant girl?

Clara (in confessional): For some reason, the thought of me marrying Foxxy really turned my father on. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear something was wrong with him.

Clara: No, it’s not Foxxy either.

King: Who, then?

Clara: (takes a deep breath) It’s Ling-Ling. (The King stares for a moment.)

King: Clara…

Clara: Yes, father?

King: Who the hell is Ling-Ling?

Clara looks down at the carrier she is still wearing. A closeup shot of the carrier reveals Ling-Ling’s name printed on it. The King looks at Ling-Ling then looks back up at Clara.

King: Oh my God. Do you mean to tell me that you, Clara, a princess who’s about as Aryan as they come- have married AN ASIAN PERSON???

Clara starts to cower, but steels up and becomes defiant.

Clara: Yes, Father, I have married an Asian person. I am now Mrs. Clara Ling. Or something like that.

King: (very angry) Clara, this will never do. You are a princess, for God’s sake! You are the second highest ranking person in our kingdom!

Clara: I see. So then, being the second highest ranking person in our kingdom… doesn’t give me the freedom to marry whomever I want?

King: No, it doesn’t! It gives you a responsibility to your kingdom and your people!

Clara: I don’t see what difference it makes.

King: (softening somewhat) Clara, I understand you’re going through a rebellious phase. But when it comes to something like marriage, you have to be serious. You have to have a husband who’s good enough for you.

Clara: I happen to think Ling-Ling is plenty good enough for me.

King: I mean, you have to have a husband who will not only care for you and treat you well, but someone who will provide for you financially, and who will be able to serve the kingdom alongside you and carry the respect and favor of the people.

Spanky: (to Foxxy) I don’t think I like where this is going…

King: I suppose I might as well tell you, Clara. I understand your feelings for this… Ling-Ling, strange as that may be. But the fact of the matter is that you’re already… promised to somebody.

Clara: (in disbelief) Promised? You mean- you arranged a marriage for me?

King: Yes. You’ve been promised to the Duke of Earlingham since you were a baby.

Clara: (in confessional) My stepmother curses my vagina. My father promises me to some jerk with a title. I must have been one terrible baby!

Clara: Father, I may have gotten married without telling you. But apparently, I’ve been engaged practically my entire life and no one ever thought to tell me! I think this trumps my little secret!

King: I greatly underestimated your independent streak, Clara. And I understand your anger. But I’m powerless to change things. Now get your things together. I’m taking you out of this house right now. We’re going to go get this little marriage of yours annulled and then we’ll announce your engagement to the Duke. (Clara stands motionless, deep in thought.) Clara, are you listening to me?

Clara (in confessional): I knew the decision I had to make. I wasn’t sure if I was really ready, but I realized that if I was ever going to do this, the time was now.

Clara: Father, I understand you did what you had to do. But now I have to do what I have to do. I am betrothed to the Duke, and a princess never backs out of an agreement made in good faith, even if she wasn’t party to it herself.

King: I’m glad you understand, Clara.

Clara: That’s why you leave me no choice, Father. That’s why- I’m afraid I’m going to have to abdicate!

Everyone in the room is stunned. Hero and Toot suddenly rush downstairs with their toothbrushes in their mouths.

King: Clara, are you serious? You would renounce your royal lineage?

Clara: With all due respect, Father, I don’t give a flying fig for my royal lineage. Being a princess may have brought me a life of privilege, but it’s made me a snooty racist and a closed-minded religious fanatic. And now that I’ve been fortunate enough to find someone who loves me in spite of my flaws, I do not intend to let him go! I’m sorry to have to say this, Father, but you can go tell the Duke that he and this arranged marriage can go to heck, pardon my French!

King: You’re being rash, Clara. When you calm down and collect yourself again, you’ll feel differently.

Clara: (calmly) No, Father, I won’t. To be honest, this is something I should have done years ago. I always felt like there was something in my life keeping me from being the person I truly am inside, and I really think this was it.

King: You would honestly rather give up your title than leave this man of another race?

Clara: Yes, Father, I would.

The King’s anger suddenly dissipates.

King: (smiling) I had no idea my little girl was so feisty! And what spunk! Clara, I admire your willingness to stand up for what you believe. I honestly don’t understand why you chose this particular path for yourself, but to each his own, I suppose.

Clara: You mean it, Father? You won’t make me leave here?

King: No, not at all. (They hug. Ling-Ling cowers to protect himself from being smothered.) You can stay here and enjoy your new life with your strange little husband and these loyal friends of yours. (He lets go of her and begins to walk away. Ling-Ling breathes a sigh of relief.) I’m going to go tell the Duke that the engagement is off.

Clara: Thank you, Father. Thank you so much.

King: You’re going to make a fine queen someday, Clara. But in the meantime- Daddy’s off to see the ballet. (He winks at Foxxy and leaves. The housemates gather around Clara.)

Xandir: Oh my God! You did not just do that!

Spanky: I cannot believe what just happened. Princess Clara actually told her father where he could shove his royal scepter!

Foxxy: I’m real proud of you, Clara. (She reaches in to hug Clara. As Ling-Ling becomes pinned between them, a lascivious grin crosses his face.)

Clara: Thanks, Foxxy. (They let go.)

Foxxy: Now then. You want to tell us what happened between you two in Jamaica?

Clara: You mean, when this thing went from being for play-play to being for real-real? (She nods.) All right, gather around, everybody, it’s story time!

Clara goes over and sits down in the chair she sat in when she told her story about kissing Foxxy. Toot grabs a bucket of popcorn out of the closet and begins munching on it. Xandir begins brushing Clara’s hair. Hero lies on his stomach and kicks his feet up behind him in the air.

Clara: It all started as I sat forlornly in my bedroom one morning…

As she continues, the camera suddenly zooms in on Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: (thinking) King say Clara be queen one day. That mean Ling-Ling be king! (He cackles quietly to himself.)

As visions of ruling over the world like a god dance through Ling-Ling’s head, we hear Clara’s voice continuing her story. The camera slowly pulls out to a long shot of the house before the scene finally fades.




THE END

[brandon]

pisned drawn togther i missned you as hell as crazy pisned put shows back no i pinsed i messnid as crazy as hell pisned put back

[brandon]

drawn together come back I really missed you