DTBL episode 50: The Show Must Go On

[Raymond-Raymond]

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where Clara, Ling-Ling, Hero, Toot, and Xandir are watching TV.

Toot (in confessional): It was just another ordinary day in the life of the Drawn Together housemates. That's right. Just another ordinary day. Foxxy and Spanky were doing their radio show.

The scene changes to the radio station. Spanky and Foxxy are on the air.

Spanky: Foxxy, have you ever noticed how every 65th BM smells different? It's like it's not yours, it's someone else's BM in your toilet.

Foxxy: No, Spanky, I can honestly say I have never noticed that.

Spanky: It's not that I really MIND the smell of other people's BMs... it's just that, you know, you're accustomed to one thing and then they switch it up on you.

Caller: What on earth does this have to do with my problem?

Spanky: Oh, right. What was your problem again?

Caller: I'm dating a beautiful woman, but whenever we're together, I get nervous and can't perform.

Spanky: Okay, well... I'll tell you what. Why don't you just let me ramble a bit and I'll try to integrate your problem into the narrative at some point. So as I was saying, the other day, I had this BM that if I didn't know better, I would swear it smelled like Sylvester Stallone! Now you may be wondering exactly how I know what Sly's BMs smell like. Well, I'll tell you.

Toot (in confessional): The rest of us were sitting around watching TV.

Cut back to the housemates watching TV.

Man: (on TV) This is the story of seven strangers.

Woman: (on TV) Picked to live in a furniture store.

Effeminate man: (on TV) To find out what happens when people stop being polite.

Cranky man: (on TV) And start getting real!

Enthusiastic woman: (on TV) It's The Real World, IKEA!

On the television, we see a long shot of a very large shopping center. A very large IKEA sign sits above the main doors. The scene changes to the interior of the store, where we see seven people crowded into a large living room display.

Man: Oh, man, Terrell was totally puking his guts out last night!

Cranky man: I was not!

Enthusiastic woman: I bet he saw Lawrence naked again!

Effeminate man: Hey!

Cranky man: No, I wasn't that lucky!

Woman: So were any of you listening to the radio this morning? They had this one guy on who couldn't seem to talk about anything but his BMs!

Effeminate man: Ugh! I dated this guy once who had diarrhea. It was NOT fun.

Man: That reminds me. I gotta hit the can.

The man gets up and walks past several browsing customers to a bathroom set. The others remain talking.

Enthusiastic woman: And it fell out! Do you believe it?

Woman: Wow.

A store employee followed by two customers walks over to the living room set.

Employee: And these are the chairs that come with the ensemble, which you can put together yourself.

Woman in couple: And what about the people here? Do they come too?

Cranky man: Not today, I forgot to take my pills!

Woman: (admonishing Cranky Man) Terrell! You're not supposed to interact with the store people! It ruins the reality! (Cranky Man scoffs.)

Cut back to the housemates watching TV.

Toot (in confessional): Like I said. Just another ordinary day for all of us. Nothing special going on at all. No, sir.

Cut back to the radio show.

Spanky: Okay, so picture this. I'm on the crapper having my morning BM when suddenly the phone rings. Now, I gotta ask myself, is this call important enough to stop my BM? Cause if I interrupt my BM midway through, that's gonna wreck my colon. And you know what happens when your colon gets all messed up.

Foxxy: No, Spanky. Again, I do not.

Spanky: Well, I'll tell you. You'd better treasure that crap, Foxxy, cause it's gonna be the last normal one you'll have for a while!

Foxxy: Thank you for sharing that, Spanky.

Spanky: No problem! Well, it looks like that's about all for the show today. Normally I'd tell you to tune in tomorrow, but Love Talk will be taking a brief hiatus for a few days.

Foxxy: That's right. Spanky and myself will be attending the wedding of our dear friend Toot, who we would again like to extend our most sincere congratulations to.

Toot (in confessional): Oh, that's right. Silly me, I almost forgot. I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! (She calms down slightly.) Well, not actually today. I mean, the actual ceremony is in a couple of days. But today is when we leave for Morningwood and start getting everything set up and ready to go!

Cut back to the housemates on the couch.

Clara: (to Toot) You know, you're pretty calm for somebody who's about to tie the knot.

Toot: Eh, it's just another thing.

Clara: Isn't that what Zsa Zsa Gabor said?

Toot: No, she added the word "dahling" to the end of it. I can't pull that off.

Xandir: Wait. What are you guys talking about?

Clara: About Toot's upcoming wedding.

Xandir: Wait. Toot's wedding. Oh my God! Toot's getting married! Like, oh my God oh my God oh my God! (He gets up and starts running around in circles.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Toot: Xandir, you've known about this for ages.

Xandir: I know, I just still can't believe it! (He continues running around.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Toot: I hope he doesn't do this during the actual ceremony.

Hero: You think this is bad, imagine what he'll be doing during his OWN wedding.

Xandir: (stops running) Oh, I won't be doing anything like this during my OWN wedding. I'll be too busy holding the ropes and chains that it would take to finally coerce Fernando to the altar.

Clara: Wait. Xandir and Fernando getting married? (A scowl starts to form on her face.)

Xandir: Clara, this is really not the time for your anti-gay thing.

Clara: Oh, that? I wasn't even thinking about my homophobia! I was just scowling because I think you could do a lot better than Fernando!

Xandir: Oh, I could, no doubt. But... (He sighs.) The heart wants what it wants.

Clara: (getting up) I think right now my heart wants some breakfast. Like maybe some cereal or something.

Toot: (getting up also) I was going to make sausage! You want?

Clara: What kind of sausage?

Toot: Not the penis kind. Or the poo kind.

Clara: Okay, then I'm in! (Clara and Toot go to the kitchen. Xandir has resumed running around.)

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Ling-Ling: (turning to Hero) You see what Ling-Ling mean?

Hero: I do.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling in scene whole time and he still not get any dialogue! Why that keep happening to Ling-Ling?

Hero: Well, if it's any comfort, Ling-Ling, I only had one line.

Ling-Ling: No, that no comfort at all.

Hero and Ling-Ling both look at Xandir again.

Xandir: (still running around) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Ling-Ling: What we going to do about him?

Hero: Oh, I have an idea! (Hero picks up a very surprised Ling-Ling.) This was hilarious when we did it in the after school special!

Xandir: (still running around) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my-

Xandir is suddenly whacked upside the face by the body of Ling-Ling. He falls to the floor in a daze. Ling-Ling hops back up on the couch beside Hero, satisfied. Ling-Ling and Hero smile and nod at each other, then turn the TV back on.

Employee: (on TV) Terrell! That is not the correct slot to insert that chair leg into!

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene changes to the kitchen. Wooldoor, now in his priest outfit, is holding a Bible and practicing lines. Marty sits at the kitchen table.

Wooldoor: I now pronounce you man and fish. No, wait, that's not right. Peanut butter and jelly. No...

Marty: I can't believe it. It's the big wedding episode and I don't even get to be in the opening scene!

Wooldoor: Yeah, that's rough, Marty. (He goes back to practicing.) I now pronounce you woman and cheese wedge. Dammit, still not there!

Marty: Um, Wooldoor, what-

Wooldoor: Oh, I'm sorry, Marty, I'm busy practicing for the big day. It's been a while since I've done one of these and I'm really rusty.

Marty: I think the phrase you're looking for is "man and wife".

Wooldoor: I now pronounce you man and wife. (He perks up excitedly.) Hey, you're right! Okay, I've got it! Now, then. Now that I've got the speech down... now it's time to work on my look! (Wooldoor pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on. He affects a cool manner.) Dearly beloved... 'sup?

Clara walks in followed by Spanky and Ling-Ling.

Clara: Hey, guys, you ready? It's time to leave for Morningwood.

Spanky: No need, Clara. I brought Morningwood here!

Clara: (turning to Spanky) You brought an entire country here?

Spanky: Entire country? Well, I admit, it's pretty damn big, but I'm not sure I'd call it a COUNTRY. Maybe... a charming little principality in the mountains.

Wooldoor: I got yer mountains right here! (Wooldoor raises his top to reveal his large breasts.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! (He begins jiggling them. Spanky becomes transfixed as Clara looks at him with disgust.)

Clara: Ugh. I am going to tell you right now, Wooldoor Sockbat, we are not having any of THAT at the wedding!

Wooldoor: (putting his top back down) Awwwwwww!

Spanky: Be careful, Clara, Toot will probably overrule you again.

Toot: (walking in) Sorry, Spanky. But I happen to agree with Clara on this issue. There won't be any naked breasts at the wedding except possibly mine. And that's only depending on how drunk I get.

Marty: Um, Toot?

Toot: (walking over to Marty) I'm kidding, Marty. I'm not going to get drunk at my own wedding. No, believe me, this is one event I want to be completely sober for! (She gives him a quick peck on the cheek.)

Marty: Wow, I can't think of a nicer compliment from my bride to be. I love you enough to be sober for you.

Wooldoor: I wish *my* wife had felt that way.

Marty: So are we all taking the van? I would think that would get kind of crowded.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not riding in glove compartment again!

Clara: No, actually, we don't have to take the van at all. I'm having the carriage sent over!

Spanky: Well... okay. Just give me time to go get my bonnet and pacifier.

Clara: The carriage is going to come pick us all up and then take us over to Morningwood.

Toot: Thanks again for letting us have the wedding in Morningwood, Clara! I bet it'll be really beautiful there.

Clara: No problem, Toot. I just want you to be happy.

Spanky: But Clara, what about your father? Won't he get in the way?

Clara: Oh, I've come up with a plan to deal with him.

Cut to the group now standing in the throne room at the castle.

Hero: Well, that was easy!

Clara: (on her cell phone) Jack, you can cancel the carriage. We ended up just using a cutaway instead.

Wooldoor: Hark! The king approaches!

Spanky: Wooldoor, that's lame.

Wooldoor: Well, how would you do it?

Spanky: (adopting a jive manner) Here comes da king!

The King enters and walks up to Clara.

King: Clara! How nice of you to pay us a visit here. And you've brought your friends, too. So where's the servant girl?

Clara: Father, I have something for you.

King: (gazing at Clara's bosom) Oh, you sure do!

Clara: Look! (She pulls out several tickets.) It's tickets to your favorite event! The ballet!

King: (becoming excited) Oh, Clara, what a wonderful gift! (He takes the tickets from her.) How can I ever- (He begins to look at the tickets. His smile becomes a frown.) Why, Clara. These are ballet tickets.

Clara: Yes.

King: They're not... ballet tickets. They're... ballet tickets.

Clara: (slightly confused) Right.

King: I mean, they're tickets to the ballet. To the ACTUAL ballet.

Clara: Yes... what else would they be?

King: Never mind.

Clara: They're going to be in town for several nights, so I got you tickets to every single performance! Because I know how much you love the ballet.

King: Yes. Of course.

Clara: Father, you weren't... expecting another kind of tickets, were you?

King: No, darling. Of course not. (He sighs.) Well, I'll see you kids later. I guess I'm off to... (he sighs again) the ballet. (He turns sadly and walks away.)

Clara: (calling to the King as he leaves) Enjoy your dance, Father!

King: Yeah, yeah. (He is gone. The others turn to Clara.)

Spanky: Nice!

Xandir: Does this mean I don't get to shake my ass again?

Toot: Maybe later, Xandir.

Xandir: Yayyyyy!

Foxxy: So where exactly is the wedding going to be, y'all?

Clara: I'll show you. (Clara begins leading the housemates through the castle.) Now there are two main courtyards on the palace grounds. Given the size and scale of this wedding, I assumed Toot would want to use the bigger one.

Toot: Well, duh!

Clara: And the bigger one is right here!

The group stops. They look out the window to see a beautiful courtyard below them. Wedding decorations are all around, and the seating has already been set up.

Wooldoor: Wow!

Spanky: It's beautiful!

Toot: Nice job, Clara! That's the best place for a wedding I could have ever picked out!

Clara: Thanks.

Toot: Let's not waste any more time, then. Let's get down there right away!

Clara: Okay!

Clara opens the window and steps back. She looks at the housemates and gestures toward the window. The others are confused.

Foxxy: Um, Clara? What the hell is going on?

Spanky: Yeah, Clara! Just show us where the stairs are so we can get down to the courtyard.

Clara: Stairs? Oh don't be silly, Spanky. There aren't any stairs! (The others look at Clara in disbelief.) Do you guys know how old this castle is? They built it long before stairs were even invented! If you want to get down to the courtyard, the only way is to jump out the window here!

Hero: Huh. Okay, then. (Hero runs and jumps out the window.) Geronimoooooooo! (Outside, the housemates hear a thud. They run to the window and look down into the courtyard.)

Clara: Hero, that was a joke.

Foxxy: Maybe you'd better show us where the stairs are, Clara.

Clara: Good idea.

Clara leads the others down the hallway out of sight. The camera lingers on the abandoned window. We hear the voice of Hero below.

Hero: (voice) Owwwww. I'm really getting older, I totally can't defenestrate myself like I used to. Hey, what's that over there? It looks like a door. Hmmm... using my X-ray vision, I can see that behind that door is a staircase! Hey, Clara, guess what? They DO have stairs here! Clara? Foxxy? Spanky? Anybody? Oh, I hope they didn't all jump out the window and die. No, that's silly. I would see the bodies. Hmmm, maybe I'd better get up and look around some more.

Toot (in confessional): Hi there. Me again. That's right, you remember the deal. I'm the ONLY one who gets to do any confessional segments in this episode. Cause this day is all about ME! Hmmm, that makes me sound a little egotistical, doesn't it? Ah, screw it. You guys love me for it and you can't deny it! So anyway, where was I? Oh, right, I was in the confessional chair. Where I still am. Okay, moving on. So we began to start getting the final touches in place for the wedding. The guys were... I don't know. But while they were doing that, the girls and I were trying on our wedding outfits.

Cut to a fancy fitting room somewhere in the castle. Toot is adjusting her wedding dress with the help of a seamstress while Clara, dressed in a long, dark purple bridesmaid dress, stands in front of a mirror.

Clara: Perfect! Ladies and gentlemen, this may just be the first bridesmaid outfit ever that's actually flattering to the person wearing it! (She turns to Toot, who is facing away from her.) Looks like that's one maid of honor decision I made that turned out right, huh?

Toot: Clara, if it wasn't the day before my wedding, I would so overrule you right now just for spite.

Clara: Well, you can't. (She looks in the mirror again.) You know, for the most part, I'm glad I gave up my fashion obsessed ways a while back. But... I can't deny it's fun to revisit my inner fashionista for just a little while. (She adjusts her dress a little and starts poofing her hair.) Damn. Now I almost wish I was getting married again.

Toot: Well, you can't. Sorry, Clara, but it's my turn now. You already had yours.

Clara: I know. I'm just a little regretful I rushed through my turn. (She sighs.) God... who knew that three years later, Ling-Ling and I would still be together?

Toot: I don't know, Clara. God?

Clara: Well, yeah, of course HE knew. He knows everything.

Toot: I bet he doesn't know what Marty and I did in your bed last night!

Clara: My bed? Toot, what did you and Marty-? (Toot turns and smirks at her.) But, Toot, I was IN my bed! (Toot tries to suppress a giggle. Clara turns away in disgust.) Oh, God. In Morningwood law, that would constitute a threesome!

Toot smiles. Foxxy walks in holding a box.

Foxxy: Hey, y'all! (She sees Toot.) Oh, Toot, y'all looks beautiful!

Toot: Thanks! So what's in the box, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Oh, the usual. My pubes, a little bit of juice. Sometimes Captain Hero's penis. (Clara looks down, almost too stunned to react.) Oh, wait. You meant the box I's carrying in my arms.

Toot: Yes.

Foxxy: It's my wedding outfit, y'all! It's gonna be the sexiest wedding outfit ever!

Clara: Now hold on a second. Foxxy, what did you do to your bridesmaid dress? (Clara looks at Toot.) Toot, whatever Foxxy did to her dress, don't blame me, I had nothing to do with it!

Foxxy: I didn't do anything to my dress, Clara! I just mean that it's gonna be sexy cause I'M sexy and the dress really suits my figure!

Clara: Oh. Okay, then.

Toot: Like anyone really gives a rat's ass what the bridesmaids will be wearing. All that matters is the bride. And I, quite frankly, look amazing!

Foxxy: Normally, I would take issue with this massive ego of yours, Toot, but I'll cut y'all some slack cause it IS your big day.

Clara: Yeah. And I hope this doesn't go to your head, but Foxxy's right. You really do look stunning.

Toot: Thanks. Thanks a lot, you guys.

At that moment, porn music starts playing. Clara looks up angrily.

Clara: Oh, come on! Just because one woman tells another she looks nice?

Spanky: (voice) Sorry. (The music stops.) Just thought it would spice up the scene. (The girls turn back to each other.)

Clara: Toot, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. This is your day and you really deserve this.

Toot: Thanks. Thanks again.

Foxxy: Anyway, y'all, the photographer is waiting outside to take some pictures of us. I'm gonna go get into my outfit and then we'll go and have our beauty be captured in photographic form. (to Toot) You about done?

Toot: Yeah, I think so. (She looks at the seamstress.) It looks nice, Betsy. I think we're about done. (Betsy nods. Toot turns to Clara and Foxxy.) All right, you guys. Time for the moment of truth. I'm going to go look at myself in my wedding dress.

Clara and Foxxy step aside as Toot makes her way to the mirror. She steps in front of the mirror and looks at herself. She doesn't react at all- she simply stares at the image for several seconds without saying a word.

Foxxy: Toot? You okay?

Clara: Oh, Toot, don't freak out on us now. We're almost there! (Toot says nothing.) Toot?

Foxxy: Toot, do you not like the way you look?

Toot: Oh, no, Foxxy. I'm fine, really. The dress looks awesome. Really, this is exactly how I pictured it to be.

Clara: Then what's the problem?

Toot: Problem? Who said there was a problem?

Clara: Well, you just stood there and didn't say anything.

Toot: There's no problem, Clara, really. I love the way I look in this dress, honestly. It's just that... well... seeing myself in it for the first time... it really hit me. (She turns to Clara and Foxxy.) I'm getting married, you guys. Seriously, I'm actually getting married!

Foxxy: You are.

Toot: Even with the proposal and all the wedding plans, as I was going through all of it, a part of it still didn't quite seem real to me. But when I stepped in front of this mirror and saw myself in my wedding dress... that's when it became real. This is actually happening for me, guys. I'm seriously about to be a bride.

Clara: Is that a bad thing?

Toot: Don't be silly, Clara. It's wonderful! I just... sort of need a moment to take it all in.

Foxxy: No problem, Toot.

The three women continue to look at the image in the mirror. Toot smiles a smile of deep satisfaction.

Toot: This is going to be awesome, you guys. Seriously. I honestly feel at this very moment that this is going to be the best wedding ever.

At that moment, a shrill voice rings out from behind the women.

Voice: Toot! (Toot looks down in annoyance.)

Toot: Oh, fuck me. (A short woman with gray hair and a large nose walks up behind the group.) Hi, Mom.

Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, what is the meaning of all this? Why are we here in this castle? You should be getting married in a synagogue like a nice Jewish girl would do!

Toot: Well, Marty and I wanted to get married someplace nice, and Clara was nice enough to offer us the use of her castle grounds for the wedding. (Mrs. Braunstein turns to Clara angrily.)

Mrs. Braunstein: Oh, I see. Clara, is it? I should have known there was a meddling shiksa behind this.

Clara: Shiksa? Not that it's important, Mrs. Braunstein, but how do you know I'm not Jewish like Toot?

Mrs. Braunstein: Please! With that nose?

Toot (in confessional): We really need to come up with a new way of stereotyping Jewish people.

Clara: Okay, fine, Mrs. Braunstein. You caught me. I'm not Jewish at all. I'm Catholic and proud of it!

Mrs. Braunstein: You're Catholic? Oy, vey! (Mrs. Braunstein does the sign of the cross.)

Clara: Wait a minute. That's OUR thing! What are you- are you making fun of me?

Toot: Mom, please don't be difficult. Clara's just trying to help.

Mrs. Braunstein: Trying to help me have a heart attack, maybe!

Toot: Keep provoking us and maybe she will!

Mrs. Braunstein: (turning to Foxxy) Oy, vey! Two shiksas! My own daughter is selling me out!

Foxxy: Not that it's any of your business, Mrs. Braunstein, but I'm very offended at your suggestion. You think that just cause I'm black, I can't be Jewish? Why, there's lots of black Jews! Just look at Sammy Davis, Jr!

Mrs. Braunstein: He converted, it doesn't count.

Foxxy: Or Lenny Kravitz.

Mrs. Braunstein: He's half white.

Foxxy: Or Whoopi Goldberg!

Mrs. Braunstein: Honey, when you start using the star of Jumping Jack Flash and Sister Act to make your points, you've lost the argument.

Foxxy: Yeah, well.... Toot eats ham!

Toot: HEY!

Foxxy: Sorry, I had to get those judgmental eyes off me!

Mrs. Braunstein: (looking at Toot angrily) We'll talk about this later, young lady. (Toot dismissively blows a raspberry. Mrs. Braunstein turns to Foxxy.) Now YOU, you so-called black Jew...

Foxxy: You know what, Mrs. Braunstein? I am not going to let myself get drawn into a stupid argument with you. I am going to go put on my wedding dress now and leave you to your bitching and nitpicking.

Foxxy walks away. Mrs. Braunstein points to her condescendingly.

Mrs. Braunstein: I don't think I care for that one.

Toot: Yeah, what else is new? Oh, by the way, Mom. I should go ahead and tell you right now. One of Marty's ushers- who by the way is also one of my housemates- is gay.

Mrs. Braunstein: Oh, my God! A faygele? (She puts her hand to her chest.) Yep, there it is. There's my heart attack. (She stumbles away.)

Clara: (to Toot) Toot, that seemed a little out of left field.

Toot: Oh, I knew she'd have a conniption when she found out later. That's why I thought I'd go ahead and mention it now so we can maybe try to get all the bitching out of the way.

Clara: Your mom isn't very open minded, is she?

Toot: Yeah, she's like you used to be before that one writer who really likes you got a hold of you.

Clara: I see what you mean.

Mrs. Braunstein: (rejoining the group) Okay, I'm better now.

Foxxy: And I'm better too. Cause I's in the process of walking away from y'all and getting into my sexy wedding outfit.

Mrs. Braunstein: The schwoogie who thinks she's a Jew just wants to walk away from things, go figure.

Foxxy: I never said I was- oh, never mind. Make fun of me all you want, I *am* walking away from you. (Foxxy walks away.)

Mrs. Braunstein: Fine, fine, whatever.

The camera follows Foxxy to a distant corner of the room. She looks back at Mrs. Braunstein with disgust and shakes her head. Not letting the woman get to her, Foxxy turns her attention to her own activities. She opens the box, gets out the dress, and holds it up to the light to look at it. She smiles proudly. The dress is like Clara's, except a little more form fitting. Foxxy smiles again, then quickly removes her outer garments and slides her body into the dress. A look of confusion crosses Foxxy's face as it takes her more of an effort to get into the dress than she was anticipating.

Foxxy: Now that's funny. I don't remember this dress being quite so tight on me in the shop. I wonder if they gave me the wrong size. (She walks over to where the others are standing.) Hey, Clara, when we was at the dress shop that day, did you-

Mrs. Braunstein: Well, well, well, would you look at that! It would appear that the Negro Hebrew is getting a bit fat!

Foxxy: I am not a Hebrew! (Toot and Clara look at Foxxy strangely.) And, um... I'm not fat neither. Am I, girls? (No response. Foxxy notices that Toot and Clara are looking at her midsection.) Girls?

Toot: No, Foxxy, you're not fat. Not fat at all.

Foxxy: Then why can't you take your eyes off my midsection?

Clara: Because, Foxxy, your body is just so smoking hot that we can't look away from it!

Foxxy: You know, if it had been Toot who said that, I might could have bought it. But Clara, you can't pull that one off at all.

Clara: Darn.

Toot: All right, Foxxy. Now I'm not saying that you've gotten FAT...

Foxxy: But?

Toot: But you do seem to... oh, what's a graceful way to put this? Be carrying a little extra baggage around your stomach area?

Foxxy: Oh, that's ridiculous, Toot. My body is in perfect shape! (Foxxy starts to wiggle out of the dress.) It's just that this dress is a little- (The dress now off, Foxxy looks down at her stomach.) Oh, my! (She quickly turns.) Sorry, Clara. (She looks back at herself.) I guess I am getting a little pudgy down there.

Clara: Foxxy, if I don't miss my guess, I do believe it appears that your pregnancy is starting to show a little.

Mrs. Braunstein: Pregnancy? Hold on a second! Toot, are you telling me that the kosher schwartza here is pregnant?

Toot: Mom, this is not the time!

Mrs. Braunstein: Are you even married?

Foxxy: No. But I *am* engaged!

Mrs. Braunstein: (putting her hand to her chest) Oy, vey, I can't believe this! It's my daughter's wedding and one of her bridesmaids is with child. A bastard child, no less!

Toot: Mom, stop it! This is REALLY not the time!

Mrs. Braunstein: And her other bridesmaid is Catholic! I honestly don't know which one is worse!

Toot: Mom, SHUT UP!

Mrs. Braunstein: Oh, this wedding is an abomination!

Toot (in confessional): Things were going downhill in a hurry. As refreshing as it was to see someone ELSE drawing the fat comments for a change, I had to put a stop to this right away.

Clara: Here, let me take care of this. (She takes Mrs. Braunstein's arm.) Here, Mrs. Braunstein, why don't you let me show you around the castle grounds? I'll show you where Toot will be having this abomination of a wedding of hers.

Toot (in confessional): Or Clara will do it. Whatever.

As Clara leads Mrs. Braunstein away, Toot turns to Foxxy.

Toot: Wow, Foxxy. I can't believe your pregancy is actually showing!

Foxxy: But... it can't be showing! Not now! We're supposed to go have ourselves photographed! I don't want my wedding photos to have a baby bump in them!

Toot: Well, that's no problem. I'll just have Betsy let out the dress a little bit. Just wear it loose like Clara's and nobody will even notice!

Foxxy: But... I was going to be all sexy and show everybody how great my body was in my sexy bridesmaid dress!

Toot: (sighing) Well... Foxxy, you can't really have it both ways.

Foxxy: I suppose not. (She sighs and nods.) Okay, fine. Let out the dress.

Toot: No problem. (She sees that Foxxy is still sad. Toot looks up to the sky questioningly.)

Toot (in confessional): Oh, and before I say this next thing that I'm about to say, I just want the record to show that I'm just saying it to make Foxxy feel better. If you assbags try to read ANY lesbian subtext into it, so help me God, I'll cut you!

Toot: Well, maybe your figure won't be as nice looking in that frumpy dress, but I'll tell you what. You'll still have the smokingest ass that was ever on these castle grounds!

Foxxy: (perking up) Well, thanks, Toot! Yeah, I guess I can still show people that sweet ass of mine.

Toot: You sure can! (Foxxy smiles.) But not too much, though. I mean, it is still MY wedding. Most of the attention should still be on ME.

Foxxy: Oh, of course, Toot. Of course!

Toot and Foxxy smile. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on another part of the castle. Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor are sitting around. Marty is in the corner talking on a cell phone.

Hero: Relative acts obnoxious... everyone takes a sip.

Spanky: Good, good. And if it's due to alcohol, everyone takes a drink.

Hero: Except the drunken relative.

Spanky: Yeah, they're drunk enough already.

Hero: Ethnic slurs... should that be a drink or just a sip?

Spanky: I think that's good enough for a full drink.

Hero: Done. Okay, potential mishaps. Somebody falls down, we take a sip.

Spanky: If they fall on their ass, though, that's a full drink. Okay, what about wedding cliches?

Hero: Ah, yes, we do need to cover those. Best man loses ring, that's a drink.

Spanky: Priest messes up the ritual, that's another drink.

Wooldoor: Hey!

Spanky: Sorry, Wooldoor, we have to cover our bases.

Hero: Bride gets cold feet at the last minute and runs out, drink the whole bottle.

Spanky: If she doesn't even show... drink two bottles!

Hero: Yeah! Now what's some other stuff that can happen? Oh, I know! Somebody falls face first into the cake.

Spanky: That's a bottle.

Hero: What if it's Toot?

Spanky: Okay half a bottle. Unless it's intentional. Then you don't drink anything.

Hero: Fair enough. Oh! And we take a sip for every naked breast that makes an appearance.

Spanky: What if it's one of Wooldoor's?

Hero: Full drink.

Spanky: Done! (Wooldoor looks confused.) Okay, what's next?

Hero: Potential incidents specific to the personalities of the particular individuals involved.

Spanky: Gotcha. Okay. Every time someone makes a short joke about the groom, that's a drink.

Hero: Spanky, you're the one who's going to be making all the short jokes.

Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.

Hero: If the maid of honor is late because I'm busy having sex with her, drink the whole bottle.

Spanky: The whole bottle? Dude... if you and Clara are having sex, we're going to be drinking everything in sight and then ordering more!

Hero: Wait. Clara's the maid of honor? I thought Foxxy was! (Spanky shakes his head.) So how much do we drink if I have sex with Foxxy?

Spanky: Nada.

Hero: Damn!

At that moment, Marty walks over to the group, still talking on his cell phone. He is very irritated.

Marty: (on phone) You've got to be kidding me! The Old West? How the hell can you be stuck in the Old West? You're supposed to be my best man in 24 hours! (He pauses for a moment.) Well, you should have thought of that before you built the damn thing! (Marty pauses again.) I know, I know. I'm sorry, too. All right, fine. I'll talk to you later, then. (Marty disconnects his call and turns to the others.)

Spanky: Bad news?

Marty: Yeah. The day before my wedding and my best man calls me to tell me he can't make it. Now what am I supposed to do?

Spanky: Yeah, I guess you'll just have to find somebody to take his place.

Marty: Now where am I going to find another best man at the last minute? (Spanky grins at Marty.) Oh dear God, no.

Spanky: Come on, Marty! We're pals, aren't we?

Marty: Are we?

Spanky: Hey, I threw you your bachelor party. And isn't throwing a bachelor party one of the duties of the best man?

Marty: I didn't ask you to throw me a party, Spanky, you took it upon yourself to do so. And you only did so in the first place because YOU wanted to see a stripper!

Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.

Marty: Forget it, Spanky. You don't care about me at all. All you care about is your own selfish needs. (Spanky is mildly offended.)

Hero: Yeah, Spanky! (Hero turns to Marty.) Marty, you're right. You need a best man who's loyal to you. Someone who values you as a friend. Someone who will do the very best he can to ensure that his good friend Marty-

Marty: You can't be it either, Hero!

Spanky: Well, geez, man! You've got to pick one of us!

Marty: Why?

Hero: Cause there's no one else left!

Spanky: So come on, Marty. What do you say? I promise I won't make any short jokes about you!

Hero: I promise too!

Spanky and Hero, both grinning, look at Marty. His eyes dart nervously between the two. Finally, he looks down and sighs.

Marty: I guess you guys are right. I do have to have a best man, and since my oldest friend can't make it, I guess it might as well be one of the guys I've been living with for the past year.

Spanky: Awesome! (He gets up and shakes Marty's hand.) You won't regret this, Marty! I'll be the best best man ever!

Marty: I didn't say it would be you, Spanky.

Hero: Awesome! (Hero turns and points at Spanky.) In your face, pig!

Marty: I didn't say it would be you either, Hero.

Wooldoor: (running up to Marty eagerly) Ooh! Marty!

Marty: What is it, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Can it be me?

Marty: You? But... you're performing the ceremony!

Wooldoor: Not a problem! (Wooldoor grasps his head with both hands in order to split himself in two. However, Marty stops him.)

Marty: No! No splitting!

Wooldoor: Awwwwww!

Spanky: So who's it going to be, Marty?

Hero: Yeah!

Marty: I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

Spanky: Well, you'd better decide soon, Marty. The wedding is tomorrow!

Marty: I know. Look, you guys, I need to go take a shower. We'll talk more about this at the rehearsal later, okay?

Hero: Okay!

Spanky: Sounds good!

Marty leaves the room.

Wooldoor: Oh, wow, guys! We're having a rehearsal? Are we gonna be in a play? Oh, I hope we do Barefoot in the Park, that's my favorite!

Spanky: No, Wooldoor, we're not going to be in a play. We're going to be rehearsing the wedding.

Wooldoor: I'd rather be in a play. (He looks at the guys.) You think if we talked to Toot, she'd let us roleplay characters for the wedding?

Hero: (sticking his hand up) I call Die Hard!

Wooldoor: Awwwww! I wanted to be Die Hard!

Hero: Wooldoor, you can be Die Hard's sidekick. Um... Badly Wounded. That's the character's name.

Spanky: Dude, that is wrong on so many levels.

As Hero and Wooldoor continue to create characters for their fake movie roles, Spanky shakes his head. The scene fades.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Toot (in confessional): Hi there. Me again. Getting sick of me yet? Yeah, well, screw you. So anyway, next came the rehearsal. It was a bit... let's just say... chaotic.

The scene changes to the courtyard where the wedding is to be held. The housemates are all back in their regular clothes. Wooldoor stands on the platform holding a Bible while the others are at the back of the courtyard prepared to go. Hero and Spanky are playing rock-paper-scissors while the women stand talking.

Toot: Thanks again for getting rid of my mom, Clara.

Clara: No problem. I figured it was a favor I could do for you as your maid of honor.

Hero: (to Spanky) I guess you're right, Spanky. Clara IS Toot's maid of honor. (Spanky looks at Hero strangely.) Okay, so this rehearsal thing. Does stuff that happens here count in our drinking game? (Spanky pulls a bottle out of his pocket and takes a swig.) Spanky, what the hell was that?

Spanky: Look! (He hands Hero a piece of paper containing the rules for their drinking game.)

Hero: (reading) "If Hero asks any inane questions about the drinking game itself, take a drink." Hey, that's not fair! My question was not inane!

Spanky: Hero, do you even know what that word means?

Hero: No, but based on the context, I'm sure it isn't complimentary!

Spanky: Fair enough.

Toot: (walking over to Spanky) Spanky, what the hell are you doing? Did you bring alcohol to my wedding?

Spanky: In the first place, that's ironic coming from you. And in the second place, it's not the wedding. It's just the rehearsal.

Toot: Fine. Just make sure you don't bring that stuff with you to the actual wedding or I might have to confiscate it.

Spanky: Yeah, I bet you'd confiscate it!

Clara: Spanky, that's enough. Quit bothering Toot, okay? Let's just try to make this a peaceful occasion, okay?

Marty: And besides, Spanky, you're not exactly helping your case to be my best man.

Hero: (cheering) Boo-yah!

Spanky: Marty, I'm sorry. (He holds out his bottle to Marty.) Would you like to have my bottle of booze?

Marty: I can't be bought, Spanky.

Spanky: Yeah, I bet you'd take it if it was Irish whiskey, you leprechaun.

Hero: That's a short joke! (Hero grabs the bottle away from Spanky and takes a big drink.) Mmmm, that's the stuff!

Toot: Okay, how surreal is this? There's a bottle of booze being passed around at my wedding rehearsal and I'm not even the one responsible for it!

Clara: Look, guys, let's just do this, okay? We can argue about this stuff later.

Toot: Fine. (Toot notices that Foxxy is running the palm of her hand down her stomach, with a look of concern on her face.) Um, Foxxy? Are you okay?

Foxxy: I'm fine, Toot. I'm just... fixing myself. That's all.

Toot: Foxxy... don't tell me you're trying to smooth out your baby bump.

Foxxy: I am not trying to- okay, I am.

Toot: Foxxy, I had Betsy let the dress out for you. Trust me, you're not showing!

Foxxy: I guess you're right. I'm just a little self-conscious, that's all.

Hero: Foxxy, how can you be so worried about what your stomach looks like? Everyone knows that your greatest asset is that sweet, sweet ass! Hey, wait a second. Asset? Ass? I think I just made a pun! (Foxxy looks at Hero strangely.) Never mind. Anyway, my point is, so what if you're showing? You're still the most amazingly beautiful woman in the whole place!

Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.

Toot: Hey!

Hero: I mean, you're beautiful too, Toot.

Toot: Thank you.

Hero: But you're beautiful in that "all brides are beautiful" kind of way. Now Foxxy is hot whether she's getting married or not!

Toot stares at Hero, too stunned to be offended. Spanky puts his hands behind his head and tilts his head back in satisfaction.

Spanky: Looks like I just jumped back into the lead!

Clara: Suddenly I'm not so regretful that I rushed MY wedding.

Marty: Look. Foxxy, pregnant or not, you look fantastic. And Toot, I may be biased, but you are amazingly beautiful, bride or not. (Toot smiles.) And Spanky, Hero, you two stop arguing. I'll pick a best man later, so just quit this petty bickering so we can get on with rehearsing this wedding!

Spanky: Fine.

Hero: Fine.

Marty: Okay, is everyone ready?

Clara: Um... I don't think so.

Marty: Why not? Is one of your 50,000 hairs out of place, Clara?

Clara: No... I'M fine. It's just that two of your ushers seem to be missing.

Marty: Two of my- (Marty notices that Xandir and Ling-Ling are not present.) Oh, goddammit, where are those two idiots?

Cut to Xandir and Ling-Ling behind the bandstand. Xandir sits draped over a chair while Ling-Ling is puffing what appears to be a cannabis cigarette.

Xandir: So how long do you think it'll be before they notice we're gone?

Ling-Ling: Eh. Who knows?

Xandir: I mean, neither of us are involved in the plot in any way, why do we need to bother sticking around?

Ling-Ling: That what Ling-Ling say!

Toot: (her voice ringing out very loudly from across the courtyard) Hey! Xandir! Ling-Ling! You two douchebags get your asses over here so we can rehearse this stupid wedding!

Xandir sighs and gets up. Ling-Ling puts out his cigarette. Reluctantly, the pair leaves the bandstand and returns to the wedding party.

Foxxy: Oh, there they are.

Xandir: Hi, guys.

Toot: Blah, blah, blah, come on, let's go!

Ling-Ling hops up into Clara's arms.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling ready, Carla.

Toot: Hey, wait a second, what's this? (Angrily, she walks over to Clara and Ling-Ling.) You're not allowed to carry him down the aisle! He's part of the wedding procession!

Ling-Ling: But... Ling-Ling get self-conscious walking down aisle in front of all those people! (He turns to Clara.) Someone tell Ling-Ling once he waddle like duck.

Clara: Now where could they have ever gotten that idea?

Toot: You could always just not be an usher.

Ling-Ling: But Ling-Ling tell whole family he usher at wedding of land whale! Ling-Ling father so proud! He not sure why that make father proud when all Ling-Ling science awards not, but who can question father honorable ways?

Toot: Then you're going to have to walk.

Ling-Ling: Fine. (Ling-Ling hops out of Clara's arms onto the ground. He immediately grabs his foot and begins hopping around.) Ow! Ow! Ling-Ling hurt foot! Hurt it bad!

Toot: Oh, goddammit! (Clara reaches down and picks up Ling-Ling, who is nearly in tears.) You know what? I'm not going to let this get to me. The way I see it is, let's go ahead and get all the problems, all the issues out of the way right now. That way, hopefully, everything will go perfectly smoothly for the wedding itself.

Clara: Toot, we're sorry.

Spanky: Yeah, Toot. Me too.

Foxxy: Look, y'all, it's okay. I think we's all just a little bit nervous about the wedding cause it's such a big event. But if we pull together and dedicate ourselves to making this thing go smoothly, then I think that everything will work out just fine!

Toot: Thanks, Foxxy.

Hero: We're a team, you guys! Now let's work together like one!

Xandir: Yeah!

Toot: All right! Now this group has their heads back in the game! Oh, my God, I'm starting to get so excited! For the first time, I feel like this thing just might work out after all!

At that moment, a voice can be heard in the distance.

Mrs. Braunstein: (voice) Oy, vey, what the hell is going on here?

Toot: Oh, crap! (Toot turns to her mom entering the scene.) Mom, what the hell are you doing here?

Mrs. Braunstein: What do you mean, what am I doing here? Were you just going to get married without me? Cause that's what it looks like you're doing! And why aren't you wearing your wedding dress? Have you become one of those hippie types?

Toot: Mom, this isn't the actual wedding. It's just the rehearsal.

Mrs. Braunstein: Rehearsal? Why do you need a rehearsal? You don't think you can get it right the first time? Do you need a few practice marriages first to get warmed up?

Toot: Mom, it's just part of the process, okay? (Mrs. Braunstein begins to look around.)

Mrs. Braunstein: And what the hell is that thing up there on the stand? (She rushes over to the platform and starts to make shooing noises at Wooldoor.) You! Shoo! Shoo! Get off the stage! This is where my daughter's supposed to get married! You're standing where the rabbi's supposed to stand!

Wooldoor: Rabbi? But-

Toot: (quickly making her way to the platform) Mom, it's okay. Wooldoor is going to be marrying us.

Mrs. Braunstein: (pointing to Wooldoor) That thing?

Wooldoor: Hey, I'm not a thing! Well... I am in the sense that I'm a physical entity so from a purely metaphysical standpoint, I guess you can call me a "thing". But it's still insulting!

Mrs. Braunstein: Shouldn't you be hanging around with an octopus or something?

Wooldoor: No, you have me confused with somebody else.

Mrs. Braunstein: I don't care! You are not marrying my daughter!

Toot: Yes, he is, Mom!

Mrs. Braunstein: No, he isn't! I'm calling my rabbi right now to come here and perform the ceremony. (She gets out a cell phone and begins dialing.) Hello? Rabbi Goldberg? (Clara becomes alarmed. In a flash, she is standing in front of Mrs. Braunstein. She grabs the cell phone away from her.)

Clara: Oh, no, you don't! If HE'S coming here, I'm leaving!

Mrs. Braunstein: What the hell?

Wooldoor: Mrs. Braunstein, look. I know I may not look like much, but I *am* properly licensed to do this. And I'm one of Toot's closest and dearest friends, so it would mean a lot to me to be able to perform the ceremony!

Toot: Please, Mom. This is not worth making a big deal over.

Mrs. Braunstein: Fine, fine, whatever. Oy, vey, this girl will be the death of me yet.

Mrs. Braunstein walks away. Toot is calm, but very visibly irritated.

Wooldoor: All right, then. Shall we start?

Toot: Sure, fine.

Wooldoor: Okay, everyone, just go back to the entrance of the courtyard and we'll start the procession.

Toot: On second thought, let's just skip it.

Wooldoor: What?

Toot: I'm tired and we're already running way late. (She turns to the others.) You guys know what order to come in, right?

Clara: Well, yes, but-

Toot: Then we don't need to practice that part! You guys just go ahead and get in place and we'll get on with the ceremony.

Marty: Right, the ceremony.

Spanky: You mean the part where you and Marty read stuff off cards and then just do what Wooldoor tells you to do? Which, if I'm not mistaken, he reads out of a book?

Toot: Good point. Well, I guess we don't need to rehearse that part either. I'll see you assbags later, then! (She turns and starts to walk away.) Toodles!

Toot exits the scene. The others stand looking at each other for a moment.

Xandir: What's with her?

Foxxy: Y'all, I think the pressure of this whole wedding thing may be starting to get to Toot. And her mom ain't exactly helping matters any.

Clara: I'm starting to get worried, guys. Do you think Toot's going to be okay?

Spanky: (to Hero, holding the sheet) Do we have something for if Toot just snaps and goes completely mental?

Hero: (looks at page) Doesn't look like it!

Spanky: How about we start that one off with a drink, and then we'll just keep drinking for as long as she keeps at it?

Hero: (noting it on the page) Done! (Marty looks at Spanky and Hero with annoyance.)

Clara: Maybe we should go talk to her.

Foxxy: (checking her watch) I don't think we'll have time. We's already running late for the rehearsal dinner as it is. Look, Clara, if you's worried about Toot, you can talk to her at dinner.

Clara: If she even shows.

Foxxy: I don't think that'll be a problem, Clara. If there's one thing that Toot can be guaranteed to show up for, it's dinner!

Cut to the rehearsal dinner. All the guests are gathered around enjoying their meal. However, the housemates keep glancing across the table to a noticeably empty seat. One by one, they all get up and leave the table.

Mrs. Braunstein: (offscreen) Oy, vey! You call this kishke? My cousin Morty could make better kishke than this!

Toot (in confessional): As you might have guessed, I didn't show at the rehearsal dinner. I didn't mean to worry my housemates. It was just that after everything that had happened, I just didn't feel like dealing with that whole scene at the moment. Mainly, I knew my mom would be there and I especially wasn't in the mood to deal with HER. I told Clara to tell my mom that the reason I wasn't at dinner was because I'd been a bad little Jew and I was depriving myself of the wedding festivities as some sort of penance. It was a complete crock, but she bought it. (Toot nods, then sits still for a moment.) Okay, so what next? Oh, right. The wedding itself. (She smirks.) Wanna guess what disaster befell my plans THIS time?

Cut to the courtyard the following day. Wooldoor, in his priest outfit, sits behind the stand reviewing Bible scriptures. Guests are filing into the courtyard and sitting down. Toot's parents can be seen sitting near the front. Toot's mom sits looking very impatient. Her father has fallen asleep.

Mrs. Braunstein: Oh dear God, I think it's going to rain. Do you believe that, Elmer? Leave it to Toot to get married on a day when it's going to rain! (She looks to her right.) Are you listening to me, Elmer? (No response. Elmer begins to snore.) Elmer!

Elmer: (waking up) Yes, dear. Very riveting story, dear.

Mrs. Braunstein: Can't you stay awake for your daughter's wedding, you old fool?

Elmer: Is she married yet?

Mrs. Braunstein: Not yet.

Elmer: Then what are you getting upset about? (Elmer's head droops as he goes back to sleep.) Mrs. Braunstein looks at him with annoyance.

Cut to Marty, Hero, and Xandir at the back of the courtyard. They are all in their tuxes. Marty is growing extremely impatient.

Marty: (anxiously checking his watch) Goddammit, where the hell is Spanky?

Hero: He's probably in his room sleeping one off. Or maybe he's busy masturbating.

Marty: He's masturbating? Five minutes before one of his best friends is supposed to get married and you think he's masturbating?

Hero: Well, it makes sense if you think about it. I mean, lots of women cry at weddings. And you know how turned on Spanky is by women crying!

Marty: Oh, dear God.

Spanky: (suddenly arriving on the scene) Goddammit, Hero, quit telling Marty a bunch of crap about me just so you can be the best man! (He turns to Marty.) As it turns out, I was *not* masturbating. My friendship with Toot means too much to me to just start going at it with myself right when it's time for her to get married! Now it's true that there are a lot of crying women out there right now. However, I, at least, have the capability of seeing an arousing image and then filing it in the spank bank for later! Unlike some people I know... (He smirks and looks at Hero, who takes mild offense.)

Marty: So where were you, Spanky?

Spanky: Picking this up. (Spanky walks off to the side and returns leading a penguin by the flipper. The penguin is wearing a bow tie.)

Marty: Huh? That's ridiculous! I thought Toot cancelled the penguin ushers!

Spanky: I guess the zoo forgot to cancel the order! So anyway... here's your penguin! (Spanky leads the penguin in front of Marty, who is completely dumbfounded.)

Marty: Hi, um... penguin. (The penguin squawks.) Lovely.

Spanky: Well, after taking it upon myself to ensure the safe arrival of this last minute wedding gift, I think it's pretty obvious who your best man should be, Marty!

Marty: Oh, for the love of God, are you two still arguing about that? Okay, look. Fine. Here's how I'll decide who my best man is. Whichever of you two can answer my question, that person will be my best man.

Hero: Sounds good.

Spanky: Fair enough.

Marty: All right. For the win... what's my last name? (Spanky eyes bug out. He begins to look confused and panicky.)

Hero: Fitzpatrick!

Marty: Correct! (He hands Hero the ring.)

Hero: Boo-yah! (Spanky clutches his forehead in disbelief while Hero celebrates. Hero quickly turns to Spanky.) Geez, dude, it was all over the wedding invitations! (He resumes celebrating.) Oh, this is fantastic! I've never been a best man before. Oh, my God, I think this is the greatest achievement of my life!

As Spanky continues to reel from his loss, Hero launches into an elaborate celebration dance. However, just as Hero is at his giddiest, and Spanky is about to boil over, we hear a voice calling in the distance.

Voice: Marty!

Marty turns around eagerly. A silver-haired man in Western gear walks up to Marty excitedly.

Man: Marty! I made it!

Marty: Oh, my God! You did! (They hug each other for a moment.) But... what about the Old West?

Man: Well... I figured... what the hell?

Marty: Well, I'm glad you're here! Honestly, this wedding wouldn't have been the same without you.

Man: Thanks, Marty.

Marty turns to Hero, who is still doing his celebration dance.

Marty: Hey, Hero?

Hero: (still dancing) Yeah?

Marty: My original best man showed up after all. So it looks like I'm going to need that ring back.

As Marty grabs the ring away from Hero, Hero stops dancing and assumes a hangdog expression. He looks to Spanky for sympathy. Spanky looks at Hero, and then pulls a small flask out of his pocket and takes a drink.

Hero: There was a rule for THAT?

Spanky: Hey, it's like I was telling you, when Spanky creates a drinking game, he covers ALL the bases!

Hero looks at Spanky with annoyance. The scene changes to the girls in the fitting room. Foxxy stands straightening her dress while Clara is busy bandaging Ling-Ling's left foot.

Clara: I'm sorry you injured your foot, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Yeah... Ling-Ling sorry too.

Clara: You think you'll be able to walk on it?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not think so. (Ling-Ling stand up on the table and tries to walk a little. As soon as he takes one step on his left foot, he starts hopping in pain.)

Clara: I guess that answers that. (She sighs.) How are we going to do this, Ling-Ling?

Foxxy: (turning toward the pair) Ling-Ling, can't you fly?

Ling-Ling: Not likely. Ling-Ling mainly just hover. That impressive to see, but it not so good at getting him from point A to point B. Unless point A on floor and point B four feet above floor.

Foxxy: But... I've seen you fly! When you fought that monster in that cave!

Ling-Ling: That different. Ling-Ling can do kamikaze style dive bomb maneuver when he in battle mode. But he not able to fly at wedding unless aim is to take groom's head off. (Clara and Foxxy nod. Ling-Ling looks at each of them in turn.) He pretty sure land whale not want that.

Foxxy: Probably not.

At that moment, a door can be heard opening in the background.

Toot: Hey, guys!

They all turn. In the doorway at the back of the room stands Toot, fully decked out in her wedding dress. Clara and Foxxy, clearly breathtaken, walk over to her.

Toot: Oh, let me guess. Time for the obligatory gushing over the bride? (She lets out a mock sigh.) Well, all right. Go ahead and gush, if you must.

Clara: Toot, you look incredible. There's really nothing more to say.

Toot: Thanks.

Foxxy: Clara's right. You are truly one beautiful bride.

Toot: Okay, I'm tired of this already. Blah blah blah I look awesome, let's move on, okay?

Clara: Sure.

Toot: (looking over at Ling-Ling) So what about him? Is he going to be able to walk?

Clara: Doesn't look like it.

Toot: I see. I guess you're going to have to carry him, then. (Clara is surprised.)

Clara: Really? I didn't think you wanted me doing that.

Toot: You know what? I've decided it's not important. The procession is going to be all screwed to hell anyway. I don't think anybody really knows what they're doing. (She looks at Foxxy.) Maybe we should have rehearsed that one.

Foxxy: Maybe we should have.

Toot: But that's okay. I don't care. (She looks at Clara and Foxxy.) You know, it's odd. When we were planning this, I was so obsessed with making sure everything would be just perfect. But now that the day is finally here... I just kind of want to get it over with and move on. You know what I mean?

Clara: Wait. I'm confused. Are you saying you don't care about your wedding anymore?

Toot: No, not at all! It's just that... I've been so stressed out the last couple of days about things. I guess at this point, I'm just looking forward to being past it all and settling into my new life with Marty. Does that make sense?

Foxxy: Yeah, I guess it does.

Toot: Thanks for being there for me through all this, guys. I couldn't have done it without you.

Clara: No problem, Toot.

Foxxy: Well, it looks like it's time. Just one more thing left to do.

Toot: Yep.

Clara: All right, then. Let's go.

Toot nods. Clara picks up Ling-Ling and the three girls walk out together.

Clara: (as they walk) So where are we going? I'm not quite clear on that, to be honest.

Toot: Well, you girls are going to get in position to walk down the aisle. But before you do that, we need to go to that spot behind the platform over there so I can meet the person who's giving me away.

Foxxy: Who's giving you away? Your father?

The girls arrive at the designated spot. However, the only one present is the penguin.

Penguin: Squawk!

Clara: Now THAT'S creative!

Toot looks at Clara with mild annoyance. The scene changes to Toot's parents seated in the audience. Toot's father has nodded off again. Mrs. Braunstein looks at him with irritation.

Mrs. Braunstein: Elmer! Wake up, you old bat! (She nudges him. He stirs.) Aren't you supposed to give Toot away?

Elmer: Give her away? Don't be ridiculous! (He thinks.) I could probably sell her. (He pauses.) They'd have to offer me a lot, though.

Elmer closes his eyes again. With the back of her hand, Mrs. Braunstein smacks him in the shoulder. He quickly rouses. The scene changes back to the women. Toot is looking to her right.

Toot: Oh, here comes Daddy.

Clara: Ah, good.

Foxxy: Well, Toot... looks like it's time.

Toot: Yeah... it does. (As Toot's father approaches, she turns to Clara and Foxxy one more time.) Hey, Clara? Foxxy? (They are attentive.) Look. Before we start this thing... I want to run something by you real quick.

The girls get into a huddle. As we see Elmer enter the scene, the scene changes to the guys in their own part of the courtyard.

Marty: All right, look. We haven't rehearsed anything and nobody really knows what's going on. I don't know how this procession is supposed to run and I don't think Toot does either. So we're just going to have to improvise.

Hero: What's the plan?

Marty: Okay, this would probably be the simplest way to do it. Foxxy's coming out first. Hero, you meet her at the back and walk down the aisle with her. (Marty turns to his best man.) You'll meet up with Clara and walk down the aisle with her. (Marty's friend nods.)

Spanky: So who do I walk down the aisle with?

Marty's eyes shift nervously. Marty turns and looks at the last remaining figure. Spanky turns and looks in the same direction as Marty. We see that they are looking at Xandir.

Spanky: (shaking his head) Oh, no. No, no, no. This is NOT what I signed up for!

Marty: Sorry, Spanky, but there's no one else left!

Xandir: What's the matter, Spanky? Don't you want to escort me down the aisle? I mean, it's not like it would be the first time we've been down the aisle together! Remember when I saved you from that computer virus by marrying you so you could have health insurance?

Spanky: Yeah, well... if I had it to do over again, I'd have just downloaded McAfee.

The guys all pause for a moment. The murmur from the crowd begins to die down. Clara, holding Ling-Ling, and Foxxy walk up to the guys, prepared to begin. Marty looks at everyone.

Marty: All right, guys. Looks like it's time. Let's do this.

Everyone nods. The scene becomes completely quiet. The group stands around nervously, waiting to begin. Finally, the familiar strains of the wedding march begin to play. Hero and Foxxy look at each other. They interlock arms and begin walking down the aisle. Next, it is Spanky's turn. Spanky stands still, reluctant to continue. Xandir nudges Spanky with his elbow. Spanky finally sighs, jumps up, and latches onto Xandir's forearm. Xandir walks down the aisle holding Spanky, whose feet are both off the ground. Next, Clara, holding Ling-Ling with her right arm, steps up to meet Marty's best man. She takes his right arm with her left and they begin to walk down the aisle.

Best man: I don't think we've met. I'm one of Marty's friends.

Clara: Oh, I see. Nice to meet you. I'm Clara.

Best man: Clara, huh? I like that name.

Clara, Ling-Ling, and Marty's friend walk down the aisle. Marty now stands alone at the back of the courtyard. A thought suddenly hits him. He reacts with frustration.

Marty: Oh, crap. Of all the things to not think of! Now what am I going to do?

Cut to Spanky and Xandir.

Xandir: Hey, Spanky, I just thought of something. Who's Marty going to walk down the aisle with?

Spanky: Oh, I'm sure he has somebody in mind.

Cut to Marty walking down the aisle. His companion is hidden from the camera's view. He arrives at the altar, where the others are already in place. A slightly irritated look is on Marty's face.

Hero: Hey, Marty. Who's your friend?

Marty sighs and slowly looks to his right. We see that standing by Marty's side is none other than the penguin.

Penguin: Squawk!

Clara: (to Foxxy) Now is that the same penguin? Cause if it's not, it's starting to seem like these two are REALLY desperate for friends.

Marty scowls for a moment. At that point, we here the familiar strains of "Here Comes the Bride" begin to play. Everyone turns. We see Toot, escorted by her father, enter the scene and walk down the aisle. Marty smiles and takes a deep breath.

Toot: "Here Comes the Bride"? That's a little cliched. Eh, I guess it'll do.

Toot's father steps aside as they arrive at the altar. Marty and Toot take each other's hands and smile at each other.

Toot: I love you, Marty.

Marty: Toot, I don't think that part comes until later.

Toot: I'm not that big on waiting.

Marty: So. (He takes another breath.) You ready to do this?

Toot: I've never been more ready.

Marty: Good.

The music stops. Everyone waits with great anticipation. Finally, Wooldoor walks out to the platform, naturally dressed in his priest outfit. In the crowd, we see Mrs. Braunstein react with tremendous shock.

Wooldoor: Thanks for the song, guys. Anyway, let's begin. (He opens his Bible and begins reading from it.) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Toot Braunstein and Marty Fitzpatrick in holy-

Mrs. Brauntein: The hell you are!

Everyone looks toward Mrs. Braunstein in shock. Toot droops her head in exasperation.

Toot: Oh, goddammit.

Wooldoor: I don't understand. Is there some problem?

Mrs. Braunstein: (rapidly making her way to the altar) You're damn right there's a problem! You! (She points to Wooldoor.) What the hell are you doing marrying my daughter in a getup like that? Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

Wooldoor: But... this is my priest's uniform!

Mrs. Braunstein: Priest? (Her disbelief grows more apparent.) PRIEST? Why the hell are you marrying my Jewish daughter dressed up like a PRIEST?

Wooldoor: Because... that's what they agreed on for the ceremony.

Mrs. Braunstein: Agreed on? Quit lying to me, you little putz. Why would my daughter and her boyfriend ever agree to this?

Toot: Mom, it's really not important, okay?

Mrs. Braunstein: You know my daughter is Jewish, right?

Marty: Yes, she is, Mrs. Braunstein. But I'm Catholic.

Mrs. Braunstein goes into severe shock. She takes a sharp breath and draws back, fire practically shooting from her eyes. The rest of the group looks at her with concern, extremely worried about what she might do. Toot, extremely angry, refuses to look in her mother's direction.

Hero: (holding a flask) Now if she does the heart attack bit, it's a drink, right?

Spanky: (also holding a flask) Right. And if she keels over, we drain the whole bottle!

Mrs. Braunstein: (to Marty, very angry) You're CATHOLIC? (She turns quickly to Toot, who still refuses to look at her.) Toot, you never told me you were marrying one of those horrible Catholics!

Toot: That's because I honestly didn't feel it was important, Mom!

Wooldoor: (interrupting) Mrs. Braunstein, if it's going to be a deal breaker, I don't HAVE to marry Toot like this! (He turns around and immediately turns back, now wearing rabbi clothes.) Look! I'm also an ordained rabbi!

Mrs. Braunstein: (ignoring Wooldoor and continuing to talk to Toot) You didn't feel it was important? How could you not feel it was important? I swear, Toot, it's almost like being Jewish doesn't mean anything to you! (Toot, continuing to avert her glance, does not answer.) Well, this will not do. Toot, you simply cannot marry a Catholic boy. I won't have it.

Toot: Mom, I'm marrying Marty, whether you like it or not.

Mrs. Braunstein: Then in that case, there's only one thing we can do. (She turns to Marty.) You'll have to convert.

Marty: What?

Toot: (finally turning toward her mom) WHAT???

Mrs. Braunstein: If you're insistent on marrying my daughter, you'll have to convert to Judaism. Then, not only can you make her a proper husband, it'll also save your mortal soul from going to hell! (She thinks for a moment.) Or wherever the gays and Catholics end up. (Mrs. Braunstein turns and looks at Wooldoor, still dressed as a rabbi.) Ah! I see a man of the proper faith has decided to show up. Look, could you whip up a conversion ritual for this young man here? And then you can marry him to my daughter.

Toot: No!

Mrs. Braunstein: (turning to Toot) What do you mean, no?

Toot: I am not going to stand by and let you make Marty change his entire belief system just so he can be with me! (She points angrily at her mother.) Now if you don't sit down right now and leave us be-

Mrs. Braunstein: Oy, vey! I'm telling you, this girl, she'll be the death of me yet! Toot, all I want is to see you get married under the proper terms. Is that so wrong?

Toot: Yes! Yes, it is! (She sighs and takes a moment to steady herself. Toot then takes a moment to renew her determination and approaches her mother again.) Mom, all I wanted to do was have a beautiful wedding with the man I love, and to create a precious memory of the day that I could cherish for the rest of my life. Well, now you've ruined it. My precious memory is forever tarnished. Thank you for that.

Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, what are you saying?

Toot: I'm saying that the wedding is OFF. (The crowd is stunned.)

Mrs. Braunstein: What, what, WHAT?

Toot: You heard me, you old bag! This wedding is officially CANCELLED! (Toot turns to Marty.) Marty, meet me in the courtyard later. (Toot turns back to her mother.) Now you see what your meddling got you?

With that, Toot turns and storms out. Most of the crowd is in shock. Marty is hopelessly confused. Even Hero and Spanky have momentarily abandoned their drinking game. Clara and Foxxy look at each other. The scene fades.

Marty (in confessional): I didn't know what happened to Toot. I knew she was getting fed up with her mother's constant nitpicking, but I honestly didn't foresee her reacting like this. I knew I had to talk to her quickly, but she was nowhere to be found. She had even abandoned the confessional booth for the time being. As she walked out on the wedding, she had mentioned something about meeting her in the courtyard later. But I went back, and... she wasn't there either.

Cut to the courtyard. It has been several hours since the aborted wedding ceremony. The crowd has pretty much gone. Marty is looking around trying to make sense of the whole thing. Xandir is standing beside him.

Marty: I don't get it. How could she do this?

Xandir: Women are so fickle. That's why I eventually said the hell with them. Although I think on some level, my steadily increasing desire for mangina was also a factor.

Marty: I mean, I'm not surprised she got upset. I remember the way she was when we first met at that anger management class. Wow... you know, thinking about all the pressure she was under during this whole thing, I guess the fact that she managed to hold it in for so long proves just how far she's come.

Xandir: Yeah. She has.

Marty: What I don't get, though, is why she disappeared without telling me where she went. Even if she's mad at her mom, I would think she'd have tried not to leave ME in the dark.

Xandir: Didn't she say something to you about meeting her later?

Marty: Yeah, she said to meet her in the courtyard. But here we are in the courtyard, and she's nowhere to be found!

Xandir: Maybe she meant the other one.

Marty: The other what?

Xandir: The other courtyard. This palace has two of them, remember?

Realizing what is going on, Marty closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He nods and then opens his eyes again.

Marty: Well, that's what I get for tuning out Clara's boring tour guide bit, I guess. (He turns to Xandir with surprise.) So how come YOU were listening?

Xandir: Oh, I wasn't. I just knew about the other courtyard because I've been here before and I would sneak off there to have private moments with some of her father's bodyguards.

Marty: Okay, on that note, I'm going to go try to find the woman I love. (He turns and runs out.)

Xandir: The woman you love? Wait. Does Toot know about this?

The scene changes to Marty running across the palace grounds. He is frantically searching for the other courtyard.

Marty: I really should have asked Xandir exactly where that other courtyard was.

Marty quickly shrugs, then resumes his pursuit. Finally, he sees what appears to be a secluded area in another part of the grounds. He stops running and approaches the entrance. He walks through the opening and gazes upon the courtyard. His expression changes to one of awe. He looks all around. The camera angle changes to reveal what Marty is looking at. Wedding decorations are hung up all over the place. Although the courtyard is quite a bit smaller than the other one, it is set up much the same way as the other had been, only smaller and more condensed. Marty walks deeper into the courtyard. Near the stage, we see Clara, Foxxy, and Toot setting up for another ceremony. They notice Marty's presence.

Clara: Oh, hey, Marty!

Marty: Hey, guys.

Toot: Were you getting worried because you couldn't find me? I probably should have told you I meant the OTHER courtyard.

Marty: Yeah, maybe you should have. (Toot walks over to Marty.)

Toot: (looking around) So what do you think?

Marty: (looking into Toot's eyes) I think it looks beautiful.

Toot: Thanks.

Marty: (looking around) I have to say, I am really impressed! You've managed to do quite a lot in a very short time! When did you come up with this plan?

Toot: This morning.

Marty: Right after you walked out on the ceremony?

Toot: No... before, actually.

Marty: (confused) Before?

Clara: (walking over) Toot told us about it just before the ceremony. She told us about how, given all that had happened so far, she was scared to death that her mom was going to try to pull something during the ceremony.

Marty: And for good reason, apparently.

Foxxy: (walking over) That's when she told us about her idea that if anything went wrong, she was just going to ditch and start all over.

Clara: I suggested that we could always just move the wedding to the smaller courtyard. I mean, it would take some work, but given its relative size, we could probably decorate it pretty quickly. We'd just have to scale it down a bit.

Marty: (to Toot) And you were okay with this?

Toot: Believe it or not, Marty, yes. (She puts her hands on his arms.) I know it's odd, given how all through the planning process, I was all "Big wedding! Big wedding! Big wedding! The bigger the better!". But now that I'm actually HERE, well... suddenly, all I really care about is what's really important to me. (She looks into his eyes.) Like the fact that I'm marrying you. (Marty smiles at her.)

Marty: So what about all your guests?

Toot: Ah, screw 'em. The people I *really* care about are here, that's all that matters. I'll send the others a card later or something.

Marty: I don't blame you.

Toot: Well, just so you know, we're not going to delay this thing TOO long. I want to be in and out before my mom gets wind of this. So if there's anybody you want here, you'd better go tell them now. (Marty nods.) But be quiet about it, okay? I'm trying to keep the riffraff out.

Marty: No problem. I'll just go get my best friend and my parents. That'll be all I need.

Toot: Sounds good. While you're getting them, I'll go fix myself up. Then after that, we'll get this party started... for real, this time.

Marty: Sounds good.

Marty and Toot smile and look at each other for a moment. They proceed to embrace and kiss. After a moment, they pull away. Marty turns and leaves to go get his guests. Toot goes back into the castle and heads in the direction of her room. As she walks, a slight grin crosses her lips.

Toot (in confessional): Hey, assbags, I'm back! Yeah, I left for a moment so Marty could have his bit, but now I'm back to stay! Anyway, I was feeling quite pleased with myself. It took some doing, but I had finally figured out a way to get my mom off my back. Did I mention how I was really pleased with myself?

Cut back to Toot walking to her room. She grins again as she opens the door. Upon opening the door, however, she reacts with shock. Sitting on her bed is none other than her mother.

Mrs. Braunstein: Hello, Toot.

Toot: Oh, fuck me AGAIN.

Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I need to have a talk with you.

Toot: Forget it, Mom. I have nothing to say to you.

Mrs. Braunstein: Well, I have something to say to you!

Toot's mother gets up off the bed and walks over to where Toot is standing. Toot sighs and looks down, anticipating the worst.

Toot: Mom...

Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Toot's expression changes to one of disbelief. She looks up at her mother, having great difficulty taking in what she has just heard.

Toot: What... what did you say?

Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I am really, really sorry that I messed up your wedding.

Toot: Um... thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Braunstein: Look, Toot. I admit that I may not be the most open-minded person in the world.

Toot: Uh DUHHHHHHH!

Mrs. Braunstein: But what can I say? I'm an old Jew and that's just how I was raised. (Toot nods cynically.) And sometimes... us old folks... we get so caught up with the way WE see things that we sometimes forget that the younger ones have their own ways of looking at things.

Toot: Okay...

Mrs. Braunstein: Toot, I know I overreacted when I found out you were marrying a Catholic. And looking back, I guess I overreacted about a lot of other things, too. (Toot's brow is still wrinkled, but she is showing signs of softening.) I mean, maybe your wedding isn't the way *I* saw things playing out. But it's *your* wedding. Not mine. And I guess I should learn to respect that. (The anger finally appears to leave Toot's eyes.)

Toot: Yeah... maybe you should. (Toot thinks for a moment.) Look, Mom. As long as we're being open for a change, I guess I might as well share some stuff too. I know that through this wedding- hell, through my entire life- I haven't always held my Jewish background in the highest esteem. (Toot's mother looks at her, but says nothing.) And hell, to be honest, I'm still not what one would call a devout Jew. I probably never will be. But... it's a good faith that teaches some good lessons. And more importantly, it's important to YOU... and I probably should have kept that in mind when I made the decision to marry a Catholic. (Mrs. Braunstein starts to speak, but Toot stops her.) Now I'm not saying I wouldn't still have married him. No, I would have, because I believe that love transcends a person's chosen religious beliefs. But... I know there are others who don't, and I should respect those opinions rather than just dismissing them because I don't agree with them.

Mrs. Braunstein: Maybe we both need to pay a little more attention to respecting the beliefs of others.

Toot: Yeah. I think maybe we should. (Toot and her mother pause for a moment. Toot looks at her mother plaintively.) So. (She nods.) Was that all you had to say?

Mrs. Braunstein: (thinking for a moment) Yes. Yes, I think that covers it.

Toot: (smiling at her mother) Sounds good. (She pauses for a moment.) Thank you.

Mrs. Braunstein: No problem. (She pauses for a moment.) So.

Toot: So.

Mrs. Braunstein: What are you going to do about the wedding? Are you going to reschedule it?

Toot: Oh, I'll have it sometime, I guess. Don't know when, though.

Mrs. Braunstein: Okay. Well... (She puts her hand on Toot's shoulder.) You just keep me posted. Okay?

Toot: Okay, mom.

Toot's mother smiles, then turns and walks past Toot. She grasps the door handle and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Toot stands lost in thought for a moment. Finally, she sighs.

Toot: Goddammit!

Toot turns and walks out the door. As she exits the room, she breaks into a run. The scene fades. The scene changes to the small courtyard later that evening. The wedding party is fully assembled. Toot and Marty are standing at the altar, in the middle of their vows.

Wooldoor: (wearing a priest robe and a yarmulke with a star of David) And do you, Toot, take Marty to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, blah blah blah, until death do you part?

Toot: I do.

Wooldoor: Now, then. If there is anyone here who objects to the union of this couple, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Toot and Marty anxiously turn toward the audience. We see both of Toot's parents sitting in the stands listening attentively. Neither is saying a word. Wooldoor continues.

Wooldoor: Last chance. If there is anyone in attendance who objects to this pairing, let him speak now or forever-

Penguin: Squawk!

Toot: You shut up!

Marty: Yeah! You had your chance with her! (Toot chuckles.)

Wooldoor: By the power vested in me by the state of California- (Mrs. Braunstein very audibly coughs)- and God... (Mrs. Braunstein smiles and nods)... I now pronounce you man and wife!

Toot proceeds to throw her arms around Marty and give him the biggest kiss in his life. Marty is so surprised, he almost falls backwards, but keeps his feet as Toot continues to kiss him.

Wooldoor: Not that you really need my permission or anything by this point, but you may now kiss the bride.

Toot continues to ignore Wooldoor and keeps kissing Marty. The other housemates look on proudly. As we see the sun just beginning to set, Toot and Marty are shown kissing in silhouette. The scene fades.

The scene fades back up on the grand hall of the palace. The wedding reception is in full swing. The band is playing Elton John's "Kiss the Bride". Marty and Toot are dancing in celebration. We see Wooldoor and Xandir dancing together, but due to their height differential, Wooldoor is dancing on Xandir's feet.

Xandir: Ow! Wooldoor, you're hurting my toes!

Wooldoor: You want to dance by yourself?

Xandir: (apologetically) No, sir.

Wooldoor looks at him with an expression that says "That's better". Wooldoor puts his feet back on top of Xandir's and resumes dancing.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeee!

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling. Clara dances apparently by herself while holding Ling-Ling, still with a bandaged foot, in her arm.

Ling-Ling: Carla sure this not too difficult for her?

Clara: Don't worry, Ling-Ling. I can handle it. This way, you can dance with me without using your feet!

Ling-Ling: Yeah, cause otherwise, Ling-Ling feet definitely be touching the ground.

Ling-Ling rolls his eyes, then goes back to holding her arm in a slow dancing position. The camera proceeds to pan across the room. As it does so, we catch a glimpse of Spanky disco dancing the same manner as he did when he had disco fever in "Foxxy vs. the Board of Education". The camera pans past Spanky to an isolated table at the side of the room. Hero and Foxxy are sitting down. Hero is feeling Foxxy's stomach.

Hero: So it's really on its way.

Foxxy: Yep. No turning back now!

Hero: Well, I'm glad. You know, Foxxy, the further along this gets, the more excited I am about our child coming.

Foxxy: Me too.

Hero: It's still hard for me to believe, you know. We're actually going to be parents in a few months.

Foxxy: I guess the bunch of us is finally starting to grow up.

Hero: Yeah, I guess we are. I mean... Toot's married now. Clara and Ling-Ling are married already. Hell, at this point, even Xandir's talking about getting married!

Foxxy: Yeah. (She thinks for a moment, then turns to Hero.) Speaking of that... Hero... what about us?

Hero: Us?

Foxxy: Yeah. We's supposed to be getting married too.

Hero: That's true. We are. (He looks over at Toot and Marty, who are clearly very, very happy.) You know, Foxxy... it's hard to look at them like that and not want a little piece of it for ourselves.

Foxxy: Hero, what are you saying?

Hero: Foxxy, I know we said we'd have our wedding a few months down the road, but... I'm getting impatient. I don't think I want to wait that long.

Foxxy: You want to move the wedding up? (Hero nods.) I could be on board with that. When were you thinking about having it?

Hero: Oh, sometime around... right now?

Foxxy: (taken aback) Right now? Hero, is you crazy?

Hero: Foxxy, I'm serious. Why can't we? The place is already set up for a wedding, and we already have a minister on hand! Plus, all the people we would really care about attending are here already!

Foxxy: Well... I suppose that IS true. (She thinks for a moment.) All right, Hero. You're on.

Hero: I am?

Foxxy: Let's do this!

Hero: Okay! I'll go get Wooldoor!

Hero gets up and walks over to Wooldoor, who is still dancing happily on Xandir's feet. Hero taps Wooldoor on the shoulder. Wooldoor turns around.

Wooldoor: Yes?

Hero: Wooldoor, I need to ask a favor of you. (Wooldoor is attentive.) Foxxy and I were wondering if you could-

At that moment, a small white arm appears around Hero's neck. The hand is holding an extended switchblade.

Toot: The hell you will!

Hero: Um, what?

Toot lets go of Hero and turns him around to face her.

Toot: Hero, I overheard your whole conversation with Foxxy. I think it's really sweet of you two to want to go ahead and tie the knot.

Hero: Why, thanks!

Toot: But there IS such a thing as stealing someone's thunder, and just so you know, Toot Fitzpatrick don't take kindly to having her thunder being stolen! (She brandishes the switchblade threateningly.)

Hero: Maybe we could wait and do it in a couple of months.

Toot: I think that might be a good idea. (Toot puts the switchblade away. She smiles at Hero and leans in to hug him.) Seriously, Hero. I'm really happy for you guys. You two deserve it.

Hero: (smiling) Thanks.

Hero and Toot break their embrace. Toot walks back over to Marty and begins dancing with him again. Hero returns to Foxxy.

Hero: Foxxy, I was just thinking. Maybe instead of doing it right here on the spot, we should wait a couple of months.

Foxxy: Yeah, I heard what Toot said.

Hero: Yeah.

Foxxy: I guess she has a point. (Hero nods.) And now that I think about it, as excited as we are about our wedding... I'm thinking it might be a good idea to give the others a little bit of time to get excited about it also.

Hero: That sounds like a good idea.

Foxxy: I'll tell you what. When we get back home, we'll go ahead and start getting our plans in order. In the meantime, how about we just relax and enjoy the rest of Toot's wedding?

Hero: Sounds good to me!

Hero and Foxxy kiss for a moment, then get on the floor and begin to slow dance as "Heaven" by Bryan Adams begins to play. The music continues to play as the camera pulls back. Clara and Ling-Ling, as well as Toot and Marty, are also slow dancing with each other. Wooldoor is now slow dancing as well, his head perched romantically on the shoulders of a very disgruntled looking Spanky.

Spanky: Now this was DEFINITELY not what I signed up for!

Xandir looks around, confused.

Xandir: Wait! This isn't fair! Who am *I* going to slow dance with?

Toot, dancing next to Xandir, casually taps him on the shoulder. He turns to look at her. Without breaking her embrace with Marty, Toot points behind Xandir. Xandir turns to look at the figure standing behind him. His expression becomes slightly irritated.

Penguin: Squawk!

Xandir: Oh, fuck me.

Xandir looks at the penguin with mild annoyance. He then sighs and shrugs as he takes the penguin's flipper and begins to slow dance. A look of extreme confusion crosses the penguin's face. The camera begins to gradually pull back to survey the scene. The last image we see is of all the various couples dancing together. The scene fades.


THE END