Post by Raymond-Raymond on Nov 9, 2009 14:54:14 GMT -5
SEA OF TROUBLES, PART II
Part 1
The show opens once again on a shot of the ocean. We again see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to Toot standing on deck in her swimsuit.
Toot: Yeah, this is Part Two. We've decided we're not going to recap what happened in Part One. You can read these in pretty much any order you want, so if you're going to be a complete moron and read Part Two first, then, well... you deserve to be thoroughly confused. And if you just FORGOT what happened in Part One, then you're probably the sort of person who'll forget to pick up your kids from school. So while you're scrambling out the door to go get those snot-nosed brats like you were supposed to do five hours ago, we'll get on with the story. Okay, now let's pick up where we left off.
The scene changes to the exact moment we left the story in the previous episode. We see Foxxy open the door to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin. We instantly see Captain Hero, dressed only in his underwear, sitting on the bed next to UFG, who is under the covers, but who appears to be completely naked. Hero has his arm around her, hugging her. Hero looks up to see Foxxy glaring at him.
Hero: Foxxy! No! This is not what you think!
Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment, then without saying a word, she turns around, slamming the door behind her, and storms off. Hero sits on the bed looking flabbergasted for a moment, then quickly gets up. Without even bothering to put his clothes back on, he hurries out the door in pursuit of Foxxy. UFG sits on the bed looking surprised. The scene cuts to Foxxy marching down the deck, extremely upset. Hero, clad only in his underwear, runs up behind her. He grabs her shoulder to make her stop.
Hero: Foxxy! Foxxy, stop!
Seething with rage, Foxxy turns around.
Foxxy: No, Hero. YOU stop! You stop encouraging that redheaded whore of an ex-girlfriend of yours before it leads to something actually happening between you two! Oh, wait. It already did!
Hero: No, Foxxy. You don't understand. Nothing happened between Unusually Flexible Girl and me. Really!
Foxxy: Why should I believe you?
Hero: Because I'm telling the truth.
Foxxy: Hero, I once dated this guy who one day I happened to walk in on having sex with my best friend. His explanation was that he dropped his keys in her vagina and was fishing them out with his penis. And you what? I'm more inclined to believe HIM than you right now!
Hero: Well, actually, I can see how that could happen. I mean, if she happens to sit down on your keys while she's naked, they could easily get stuck up there. And if you try to use a finger or something to fish them out, your nail could scratch the inside of her sugar walls, so if you think about it, sending the penis in is definitely the way to go in that case. (Foxxy stares at Hero in complete disbelief.)
Foxxy: (after staring for a moment) Hero, you know, my anger is actually starting to subside now.
Hero: (excited) Really?
Foxxy: Yes. My feelings of anger toward you are starting to be totally overcome by my amazement at how epically mind-numbingly stupid you are!
Hero: Thanks!
Foxxy: You really believe that, don't you? You go to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, knowing what the situation is with her, somehow end up with both your clothes off, I walk in you with your arm around her, the two of you having done God knows what to each other, and somehow you STILL persist in believing that it's all completely innocent. I thought maybe you were trying to deceive me, Hero, but I guess you really are just that stupid.
Hero: That's right!
Foxxy: Hero, while it's admirable that you want to make your ex-girlfriend feel better, did it ever occur to you that when you're engaged to somebody else, a mercy screw is just a tad inappropriate?
Hero: Mercy screw? Don't be silly, Foxxy. Captain Hero doesn't do mercy screws. If he sleeps with a girl, it's because he wants to!
Foxxy: Really.
Hero: That's right!
Foxxy: Oh, that just makes everything better!
Hero: Well, perfect! Well, what do you know, this didn't take as much time to sort out as I thought it would! (He starts to turn away.) In that case, Foxxy, I think I'll go back to our cabin for a bit. Come and get me when it's time for the rehearsal, okay? (He turns, but then cranes his head back toward Foxxy for a moment.) Oh, say, Foxxy. If you're going by Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, could you fetch my tux for me? Thanks. (Hero turns and starts to walk away.)
Foxxy: Hero, stop right this minute. (Hero stops. Confused, he turns back to Foxxy.) Hero, are you serious? Do you seriously expect us to still have a rehearsal after this?
Hero: Why not?
Foxxy: Hero, I just caught you with your ex-girlfriend practically naked! And not only do you expect to still marry me, you expect us to just pick up our business right where we left it without even so much as an argument! I mean... God, Hero! Do you not get it? Do you not get it at all?
Hero: Get what?
Foxxy: No, of course you don't. Tell you what, Hero. You go back to your cabin and do whatever it is you're planning to do there. Or maybe I should say, WHOEVER it is you're planning to do there!
Hero: Well, that would be you, Foxxy, but I didn't think you wanted to have sex until the wedding. Or did you mean for me to do myself?
Foxxy: No, Hero, I was actually expecting you to have round two with Unusually Flexible Girl. Although now that you mention it, I *would* like to ask you to go back to your cabin and go-
The scene instantly cuts to Toot and Clara walking in a nearby part of the ship.
Clara: So what about the rehearsal? What happened to that?
Toot: What do you mean?
Clara: Are they still having it?
Toot: Why wouldn't they?
Clara: Well, it's the time when we said we were going to have it and we do not seem to actually be AT it. Furthermore, nobody seems to know where it's going to be... and where the hell have the rest of our housemates gotten to?
Toot: Well, let's see, Xandir's probably having sex with a cabin boy, Spanky's probably masturbating... (As Clara looks mildly creeped out, Toot suddenly becomes thoughtful.) But now that you mention it, what happened to our husbands? Weren't we all together earlier?
Clara: Yes.
Toot: I know what we'll do. We'll go talk to Foxxy again and then just follow her to the rehearsal. Or you can follow Foxxy. I'll follow Hero. I'd rather look at his butt than hers.
Clara: Couldn't we just walk alongside them?
Toot: Oh, that's right, you're not so big on the butts.
Clara: So where are they, anyway? Foxxy and Hero, I mean.
Toot: Well, let me see. When last we left our intrepid lovers, they were-
Clara: Stop that!
Toot: We left Hero at Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, and I think Foxxy was going there too.
Clara: Yeah, after you tipped her off about it!
Toot: So what's the big deal? I keep telling you, Clara, it's not like there was anything actually happening between them!
Clara: I know, just... there could be trouble, that's all.
Toot: Trouble? Come on, Clara. There won't be any trouble.
Cut back to Foxxy and Hero.
Foxxy: Of course there's going to be trouble! Honestly, Hero! What the hell were you thinking, going back to her place like that? So tell me this. Did you know before you went back there that you were going to sleep with her, or did you just barge into her place like an idiot, saw her there all pretty and... ex-girlfriendy... and decided, hey, as long as I'm here!
Hero: No, Foxxy! It wasn't like that! I didn't sleep with her at all! (Toot and Clara walk up behind Foxxy and begin watching the scene in shock.)
Foxxy: So you're telling me that she wasn't naked under that sheet.
Hero: Well, yeah, she was naked. (Foxxy raises her eyebrows.) But her nudity had nothing to do with me! I swear! She was already naked before I went in there!
Foxxy: Oh, I see. And since SHE was already naked, you figured that you would be remiss if you did not take off your clothes as well and share in her nudity.
Hero: Um...
Foxxy: So what do you have to say for yourself, Hero?
Hero: Um... um... no hablo ingles?
Foxxy: Goodbye, Hero. I'm going to pack up my things and stay in another cabin for the remainder of the cruise. I wish you and your stretchy ex-girlfriend a lifetime of happiness together until you dump her again next week. (Hero stands there stunned. Foxxy turns and starts to walk away.)
Toot: Looks like you were right, Clara. There's trouble.
Clara: (making the donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Foxxy, so frustrated she hardly seems to notice their presence, walks between Toot and Clara. Toot grabs Foxxy to stop her.
Toot: Stop. Foxxy, wait!
Foxxy: Rehearsal's off, you guys. You can change back into your swim clothes now.
Toot: Really? Cool! But that's actually not what we need to talk to you about right now.
Foxxy: (irritated, but willing to listen) What?
Clara: Foxxy, you've got it all wrong. Captain Hero didn't sleep with Unusually Flexible Girl. He had a perfectly legitimate excuse for being in her cabin.
Foxxy: Oh, did he, now?
Toot: (turning toward Hero) Hero, just tell her, okay? (She turns to Foxxy.) And Foxxy, please hear him out. Okay?
Clara: The truth will set you free, Foxxy.
Toot: As will worn-out cliches.
Foxxy sighs, still very irritated. However, she looks at Hero, prepared to listen to his explanation. Hero begins.
Hero: Thank you. Now, then, Foxxy, I will tell you what happened.
The scene changes to a flashback from earlier that morning. We see Hero walking down the deck away from Foxxy after their fight.
Hero: (voice over) I knew I had been an idiot over the whole Unusually Flexible Girl situation. And I knew that no matter how much I protested that I wanted to be with you and not her, I knew there was only way I was going to be able to put your mind at ease over the situation. I knew it would hurt her, but for the sake of my relationship with you, I had no choice but to go to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin and tell her that I could never see her again. After I got done talking to her in her cabin, at least. I still had to see her while I was telling her I couldn't see her. But after I got done telling her, that was when the not seeing her would officially begin. (We see Hero approach UFG's cabin.) But when I got to her cabin...
Hero arrives at UFG's cabin and knocks on the door.
UFG: Go away! I don't want to see anybody right now!
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl, I know you're upset right now... and I know that I'm partly responsible. But I really need to talk to you.
UFG: Captain Hero, I appreciate the gesture, but could you please come back later? I'm not in a condition to talk to anyone right now!
Hero: Coming back later really isn't an option, Unusually Flexible Girl. My entire relationship with Foxxy is at stake. What I have to say really cannot wait. So can I come in?
UFG: No, Captain Hero. I am very much indisposed at the moment.
Hero: Indisposed? (He thinks for a minute.) What, are you naked?
UFG: Well, yes, but that's not really relevant to-
The door flings wide open. Hero barges in.
Hero: Then it's okay! I've seen you naked lots of times! We really don't have any secrets from each other on the nudity front at this point. (Hero sees UFG in bed. His eyebrows raise in surprise.) Oh, my!
The camera cuts to Unusually Flexible Girl. She has a sheet pulled up to her shoulders. We see that next to her in the bed is none other than Reverend Smack Daddy. UFG is very nervous and somewhat self-conscious.
Reverend: Hey, Captain Hero!
Hero: What the hell? Smack Daddy?
Reverend: One and the same!
At that moment, Toot and Clara burst through the door.
Clara: Smack Daddy? What the hell?
Toot: Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!
UFG: Oh, look, now the whole gang is here. Thank you all for coming out to wallow in my shame.
Hero: (looking at Toot and Clara) What the hell are you two doing here? I thought you were with your husbands and everyone else.
Clara: Oh, Wooldoor came around and started harassing me again for being a whore, so I ditched.
Toot: He wasn't harassing me for acting like a whore, but Clara happened to point out that Wooldoor was also a rabbi and that he could theoretically start laying the Jewish guilt thing on me if he wanted to, so I decided I'd better ditch too before he got started on that. (She turns to UFG.) Aren't rabbis the worst? (Smack Daddy starts to get up.)
Reverend: (turning to UFG) I think I'm going to go up on deck and enjoy this beautiful sunshine that God has given us. And maybe enjoy the beautiful bikini-clad females that God also created for us to enjoy. But I ain't gonna do nothing with 'em, cause that wouldn't be right, cause I ain't married to 'em. I'm just gonna admire 'em. And that's okay. Would you like to come join me?
UFG: Not right now.
Reverend: Suit yourself.
Smack Daddy gets out of bed. He is completely naked. Clara quickly averts her eyes in horror while Toot stands there looking perplexed. Smack Daddy steps into some swim trunks and puts on a very pimp-looking jacket, but no shirt. He slides a pair of sunglasses on his face, then cocks his head and walks out the door. The others all turn to UFG.
Toot: Oh my God! I mean... oh my God! What the hell was that?
Clara: (looking back up and removing her hand from her face) Did we really just see that?
UFG: Again... I'm gonna have to return to my previous position of "I'd rather not talk about it, could you please all leave?".
Hero: In a minute. First, I think we need to know what happened here.
UFG: What happened here? What do you THINK happened here?
Hero: Well, *I* know what probably happened, but it'll probably need to be explained for Clara's benefit.
Clara: (staring at Hero) Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Don't mention it!
Toot: So. You and Smack Daddy.
UFG: Yes, I think that's been established.
Toot: Now that's a pairing I'd never have counted on!
UFG: (sighing, resigning herself to the situation) I know... me either.
Clara: How is you two hooking up even possible? I thought he had this big embargo on premarital sex.
Unusually Flexible sighs and takes a deep breath. She holds up her hand. There is a wedding band on her finger. The others draw back in surprise.
Toot: Oh, wow!
Clara: Oh, my!
Hero: Did you just do this to steal mine and Foxxy's thunder?
UFG, still rather upset, says nothing. She looks down. Hero walks over to her and sits down on the bed beside her.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl?
UFG: Yes?
Hero: Do you want to talk about this?
UFG: Not really.
Hero: I see. (Hero pauses for a moment. He takes a deep breath and looks at Toot and Clara.) Okay. This is a bit of a problem.
Clara: Yes, it definitely is.
Toot: Why?
Hero: What do you mean, why, Toot?
Toot: Why is this a problem? From what I can tell, this solves everything!
Hero: Whatchoo talking about, Toot?
Toot: Well... she's YOUR ex, and Reverend Smack Daddy is Foxxy's ex. Now both of them are paired up with each other and out of the way! You and Foxxy have nothing else to worry about! (At that moment, UFG buries her face in her hands and begins crying again. Clara and Hero looks at her with concern. Toot looks confused.) What?
Hero: Toot, I think you'd better go. (Hero looks at Clara.) You should probably go too, Clara. I think Unusually Flexible Girl needs some privacy right now.
Toot: Yeah... I guess that makes sense. (Toot and Clara start to walk toward the door. They stop briefly as Toot turns to Hero, who now has his arm around Unusually Flexible Girl, comforting her.) What about you, Hero? Are you coming with us?
Hero: (looking at UFG) Would you like to be alone right now?
UFG: (thinking for a moment) No. No, it's okay, Hero. You can stay.
Hero: Okay. Then I will. (He turns to Toot and Clara.) You two run along. I'll join you shortly.
Clara: Hero, are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think Foxxy would like you being here.
Hero: She needs me, Clara. And I want to be there for her. Foxxy will understand.
Toot: Are you sure?
Hero: Don't worry, Toot. Nothing will happen. I promise.
Toot: All right. We believe you.
With that, Toot and Clara exit while Hero sits on the bed comforting UFG. The scene changes back to the group.
Toot: So you see, Foxxy? Hero didn't have any intention of sleeping with Unusually Flexible Girl. Smack Daddy was the one she hooked up with! Hero was just there to comfort her. That's all!
Clara: She's right, Foxxy. Toot and I saw it happen. There was nothing sexual going on. Just one friend comforting another.
Toot: Yeah.
Foxxy: Okay... maybe. But if that's the case... (She turns to Hero.) Then why the hell was you in your underwear?
Toot: Well, that's just because- (Suddenly, the strangeness of the statement hits her. Toot turns to Hero in confusion.) Yeah, why WERE you in your underwear?
Hero: (looking slightly embarrassed) Um... well... under the circumstances, I just felt like taking my clothes off would be the proper thing to do.
Toot: (after looking at Hero for a moment) Okay, we're not helping you anymore.
Hero: No, no, no! Let me explain!
Foxxy: I really don't think I have time for another flashback.
Hero: Well, flashbacks are easier for me than using words. Here, I'll show you.
The scene changes back to Hero and UFG. Hero has his arm around her.
UFG: Thank you for doing this, Hero.
Hero: It's no problem. Really.
UFG: Hero, I don't want to come between you and Foxxy. Really I don't.
Hero: I know.
UFG: Thanks for doing this, but I think the girls were right. If Foxxy knew you were here, she'd be very upset. I appreciate the gesture, but for the sake of your relationship, I think you'd better leave.
Hero: Please, don't talk about that. This is not about me and Foxxy. This is about me and you.
UFG: Me and you? Okay.
Hero: So what happened? With Smack Daddy, I mean. What on earth caused you to hook up with HIM, of all people?
UFG: Well... it was right after you and Foxxy left the bar last night.
The scene changes to the bar the previous night. UFG narrates as we see the scene being played out. We see Foxxy drag Hero out of the bar. UFG stands looking very frustrated. She sits down, on the verge of tears. She begins sobbing.
UFG: (voice over) I was nearly at the end of my rope. I didn't feel I had a friend left in the world when suddenly... he walked up. (Reverend Smack Daddy walks up.)
Reverend: Excuse me, fine lady. Is this seat taken?
UFG: (looking up to see Smack Daddy) No, not at all. Sit down. (As the scene in the bar continues to play out, we hear Toot's voice cut in, talking over the action.)
Toot: (voice over) Now hold on a second! A flashback within another flashback? Isn't that a bit much?
Foxxy: (voice over) Quiet, Toot. I think I'd like to hear Unusually Flexible Girl's side of events. She's a bit more reliable a narrator than Captain Hero.
Clara: (voice over) Yes, but her monologue is coming WITHIN a flashback by Captain Hero!
Foxxy: (voice over) Be that as it may.
Clara: (voice over) Does that phrase even MEAN anything?
The meta dialogue stops. We begin hearing the conversation in the bar again.
Reverend: Speaking of Jesus, are you a believer in the Lord, madam?
UFG: Actually, Reverend... I'm Jewish.
Reverend: Really? With that nose? (Unusually Flexible Girl rolls her eyes and sighs. Smack Daddy persists, however.) Well, it don't matter what your nose looks like, to be honest. What I'm mainly concerned with is that smoking hot ass you got behind you there!
UFG: Look, let's just cut to the chase, okay? Are you trying to pick me up? Because I'm really not in the mood right now.
Reverend: Pick you up? No way, sugar! I don't believe in casual hookups!
UFG: Good. Cause you'd just be wasting your time. I honestly can't see any reason that I would ever sleep with you.
Reverend: Well, that's okay. I wouldn't sleep with you either.
UFG: (by this point almost too jaded to care anymore) Yeah, well, join the club, pal.
Reverend: Now it's not cause I don't like you, understand. It's cause I don't believe men and women should have sex with each other unless they's properly married first. (UFG hangs her head in frustration and covers her face with her hands. Smack Daddy persists.) Now if you decided that you was willing to marry me in the next few minutes... now that's a different story. (UFG uncovers her face and looks up, very much alarmed. The scene changes back to her and Hero in bed together.)
UFG: So the next thing I knew, he had flagged down the captain of the ship and we got married right there in the bar. (She pauses briefly.) I knew it was a dumb idea. But the second he mentioned marriage... I snapped. I know that if I was in my right mind, I never would have agreed to it so quickly, but I was depressed and lonely, and thinking about Nana again... and suddenly all I could think about was the fact that I had a husband right there in front of me. Even if he wasn't exactly the kind of guy I'd bring home to Mother.
Hero: Wow. That's unbelievable.
UFG: So now what do I do? I not only degraded and debased myself, but I'm now stuck in a marriage to some sleazy hypocritical player wannabe!
Hero: (turning to UFG) What if I pushed him overboard for you? (UFG looks at him strangely.) I've killed before. I'm not proud of it. (He thinks for a minute.) Except Bambi. That little prick had it coming.
UFG: No, Hero. Don't hurt him. I got myself into this mess. I'll have to be the one to get myself out of it.
Hero: Well, there's got to be something I can do to help you.
UFG: Thanks, Hero. But I don't think so.
Hero: Well... okay, then. (There is silence for a few seconds. After a pause, Hero speaks up.) I'm hungry. (He turns to UFG.) You got any food here?
UFG: Uh, well... I have some leftover spaghetti from dinner last night. You can have it, I guess.
Hero: (getting up) Thanks! (As UFG sits under the covers looking confused, Hero walks over to the small fridge. He opens it and gets out the spaghetti. He grabs a fork and walks back over to the bed. Before he sits down, however, he begins to think.) Hmm... now that I think about it, spaghetti's kind of messy. I'd better take my clothes off so I don't get spaghetti all over them.
Hero sets down the spaghetti, then quickly undresses. Now in his underwear, he sits down on the bed and begins eating the spaghetti. UFG continues to sit there trying to take everything in.
Hero: (back in the real world, to Foxxy) So you see? I *did* have a good reason to take my clothes off! Now just admit it. You'd have been pretty mad if I'd tried to get married in a dirty tux!
Foxxy: Well... you had obviously finished your spaghetti by the time I walked in. Can you explain to me why upon finishing your meal, you didn't put your clothes back on?
Hero: Um... in case we had dessert?
Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then hangs her head down and sighs.
Foxxy: My God.
Clara: Mine too!
Foxxy: You know what, Hero? I believe you. I actually believe you.
Hero: (surprised) Really?
Foxxy: Yes, really. I am now completely convinced that you were not cheating on me at all.
Hero: (still surprised, but very pleased) Okay!
Foxxy: I thought that maybe you were fooling around with your ex-girlfriend and trying to cover for it, but now I realize. You're not clever enough to do that!
Hero: No, I'm not! (He suddenly realizes he isn't being complimented.) Wait.
Foxxy: Hero, all the while you've been telling me this, only one thought has crossed my mind. If this is honestly, truly, honest to God actually what happened, then you have to be the biggest idiot on this entire ship to let yourself get into that kind of predicament, knowing the situation between us right now. And believe it or not, a part of me was actually hoping that you WERE fooling around with her, because that would at least mean that there was a remote possibility that somewhere in that big head of yours was a single brain cell that was somewhat functional. I realized that only a true moron could get himself into such a situation and then not even have presence of mind enough to try to hide it from me. Well, Captain Hero, guess what? You are that moron.
Hero: Wait. So you believe my story about not cheating on you... but you're still mad at me? I don't get it.
Foxxy: Of course you don't. (Foxxy sighs and starts to turn away.) I think I'm going to go walk around for a while. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Hero: Foxxy, the wedding's still on, isn't it?
Foxxy: I don't know.
Hero: Oh, Foxxy, please don't do this. I know I'm not the smartest guy around, but you know how I feel about you. Shouldn't that be the most important thing? Come on, Foxxy. No matter what kind of problems we're having... you KNOW we're meant for each other!
Foxxy: I don't know, Hero. (She sighs.) I don't know. (She turns and starts walking away.) I'll talk to you guys later. I need to be alone for a while right now.
Clara: Does this mean-?
Foxxy: Yes, Clara, the rehearsal is off. You can change out of your formal clothes now.
Clara: (doing a fist pump) Yes! (She turns to see Hero looking at her, slightly irritated.) Well, it's a silver lining, isn't it?
Hero looks sad for a moment, then turns and begins to walk away. Clara suddenly becomes regretful.
Clara: (calling after him) Hero, I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything!
Hero: (walking away) It's not your fault, Clara.
Toot: Are you going to be okay?
Hero: Ask Foxxy. That question's up to her. (Hero goes out of sight. Clara and Toot turn and look at each other. Neither says anything for a moment.)
Clara: (after a moment) So.
Toot: Yeah. (They pause. Toot turns back to Clara.) So get back in our swimsuits now?
Clara: Sure, why not? Might as well go be a whore for Wooldoor again.
Toot nods. The scene changes back to UFG's cabin. She is now alone again. She sits staring into space for a moment, not quite knowing how she wants to react. Finally, she sighs and hangs her head. She buries her face in her hands and begins sobbing. At that moment, the door flies open. Wooldoor bursts in, a crazed look in his eyes.
Wooldoor: I heard there was fornicating going on in here! I hope I'm not too late! (UFG continues sobbing. Wooldoor looks at her with concern.) Mandy?
UFG: Hello, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: What's going on?
UFG: (trying to speak through her tears) You're right, Wooldoor. There is fornicating going on in here. Or there was.
Wooldoor: There was? Who was it?
UFG: Who do you think? It was me. (Wooldoor cautiously walks over to UFG. He simply stands looking at her.) Oh, Wooldoor, I've done a terrible thing! I married that awful rapper who calls himself a Christian and then I had sex with him! And even worse, I think I broke up Hero and Foxxy's engagement! (Still in tears, she looks over at Wooldoor, who is looking very serious.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Go ahead and judge me for what I did. I deserve it.
Wooldoor walks over to UFG and sits down next to her. He takes her hand.
Wooldoor: Mandy, no. I don't want to judge you. I want to make you feel better.
UFG: (showing some hope) Really?
Wooldoor: Really. (He begins comforting her.) Now what's wrong?
UFG: Oh, Wooldoor, you wouldn't understand.
Wooldoor: They told me I wouldn't understand quantum physics, either, but I did. So go ahead and tell me what's going on.
UFG: Well... I came on this cruise to have a good time and share in the joy that two of my closest friends were getting married. But I couldn't do that because Foxxy got it into her head that I was trying to get Captain Hero back, so the two of them just kept shutting me out. All that did was just drive it deeper and deeper into my head how alone I was. I mean, I do kind of have a boyfriend, but he seemed to be a lot more concerned with following this other girl around than paying attention to ME.
Wooldoor: Really? That's terrible, Mandy! Who is this guy? I'm going to go give him a good punch in the face!
UFG: Um, you.
Without missing a beat, Wooldoor punches himself in the face extremely hard, knocking himself off the bed. He immediately gets back up, face bruised, sits back down on the bed, and puts his arm around UFG.
Wooldoor: Now, then. Continue.
As UFG continues to unburden herself, the scene changes back to Hero. We are now back to the frame story. Hero is standing on the deck looking out at the ocean again. He is back in his tux, while his inner monologue takes over.
Hero: (inner monologue) I'm glad that Wooldoor told me what happened after I left. Otherwise, it would have been very tricky to have a flashback of that scene since I wasn't around for it. (He looks down at his clothes with a hint of confusion.) And why did I put my tux back on, anyway? Oh, well, it doesn't matter. What matters is how things are with Foxxy. And right now... they're not good. Not good at all. I'd go try to chase her down if I had any idea where to find her... or if there was a chance that I could actually come up with something to say to change her mind. Not very good with the words I am. All I know is how I feel about Foxxy. Too bad there can't be someone else. Someone else who can solve this entire problem by coming up with the words that Foxxy wants to hear right now.
The scene changes back to Foxxy's parallel scene.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I knew the kind of person Hero was when I first got involved with him. That much hasn't changed. So I honestly don't know why I should be surprised by all this. But somehow... I am. (Foxxy pauses for a moment to look at the ocean. After a moment, she resumes.) So what was it that changed? Was it the no-sex pact that did it? Maybe Hero's irritating tendencies were tolerable when we had the sex, but if you take that out of the equation... maybe we're not such a fit couple after all. (She pauses for a moment again.) If I were a weaker person, I'd just give in and go have sex with him so we could try to fix the relationship. But I don't know... somehow... that doesn't feel like the right way to do things. And who knows? (She looks down.) At this point... is our relationship even salvageable? Could we EVER make it all the way back to the way we were? (At that point, we hear a lonely violin play the first few notes of "The Way We Were".) I hate this stupid incidental music.
The violin stops. Foxxy continues to look out at the ocean. She is very thoughtful. After a moment, she is arrested by a voice behind her.
Voice: Foxxy?
Foxxy turns to see UFG standing behind her. She sighs exasperatedly.
Foxxy: I don't know where Captain Hero is, Unusually Flexible Girl. So don't even bother to ask me.
UFG: (apologetically) I'm not looking for Hero, Foxxy. I was looking for you.
Foxxy's face tenses up. She seems to be on the verge of telling UFG off. However, her patience wins out, and she decides to be diplomatic. She looks at UFG calmly.
Foxxy: All right. What did you want?
UFG: Foxxy, I never meant to cause any trouble between you and Captain Hero. Honestly, I didn't. If I had known my presence would be this problematic, I would never have asked to even come on this cruise. In fact, when Wooldoor first invited me to go, I actually turned him down because I thought it might be rather awkward. I didn't want to tell him the truth, so I made up that excuse about taking my other nana to a Hummel convention.
Foxxy: Oh, really? So your other nana didn't really die, then.
UFG: No, she did actually die. It was the part about the Hummel convention that was a lie.
Foxxy: Oh. Well, I'm very sorry, then.
UFG: Nah, don't be. I wasn't that close to this nana. Her name was Taking Jewishness To Ungodly Levels Woman. She was like, my mother times two!
Foxxy: I see. (She pauses for a moment.) So what changed your mind? (UFG looks at Foxxy.) What made you decide to go to the wedding after all?
UFG: I was at my nana's funeral. And for some reason, instead of being sad at her being dead, all I could think about was the fact that two of my best friends were about to start a lifetime of happiness together and I wasn't going to be there for it. And that made me even sadder than my nana dying.
Foxxy: I see.
UFG: I tried to resist the impulse to show up at your door right as you were about to leave and invite myself to the wedding at the last minute. "Don't do it, Mandy," I told myself. "It will just cause problems." But then, I happened to think to myself, "No, Mandy. That might be a valid fear if you were dealing with someone else. But this is Foxxy Love we're dealing with. The most sensible, levelheaded person in the entire world. If there's anybody in the world I can trust to be mature about this whole issue, it's her." So yeah, maybe this would have been an issue for most couples. (She looks at Foxxy.) But somehow, I knew in my heart that you two would be able to rise above it.
UFG turns away. There is silence for a moment. Neither woman looks at the other. After a prolonged pause, Foxxy finally speaks up.
Foxxy: Yeah... maybe you're right. (UFG turns back to Foxxy.)
UFG: Foxxy, I don't want to cause problems. Really, I don't. And even if Hero did end up back with me somehow, I know that he'd never be even half as happy as he is with you right now. Really. It was hard for me to accept, but I finally did. You and Hero are meant to be together. And it wouldn't be right for me to do anything that might keep that from happening. So, Foxxy, if this is what it takes for you and Hero to fix things... then I'll promise never to see him again for as long as I live.
Foxxy looks at UFG for a moment before speaking.
Foxxy: No... no, don't do that. This wasn't your fault. Now that I think about it, you've never done anything with the intent to break me and Hero up to get him back for yourself. It was all just me being jealous.
UFG: You were jealous of ME? Why?
Foxxy: Well, because I know what things were like when you two dated. Nothing but hot, wild, kinky sex all the time.
UFG: Well, yeah, but-
Foxxy: And I know what you're going to say. "But we didn't have love." And that may be true. But still... maybe there's a part of the brain that just can't help getting worked up about ANY part of a past relationship that might be better than what it is with you.
UFG: I guess I can see that. But even then, Foxxy... do you seriously think that Hero and I might have had wilder sex than what you guys have?
Foxxy: You have those stretchy powers. I'm sure Captain Hero likes that.
UFG: He does, but... I think he likes the sexual allure of a hot black chick a lot more.
Foxxy: (after thinking for a moment) Yeah. Yeah, maybe he does. (She starts to smile, but the smile quickly leaves her face as she thinks of another issue.) Actually... that probably doesn't make things better. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was only the sex he liked with ME, too. Especially since ever since we stopped having sex, we've practically been at each other's throats.
UFG: Well, Foxxy, that doesn't mean you're a bad couple. When you're used to having something all the time and then you're suddenly deprived of it, you get stressed out about it. That's just the way things work! And when you're stressed out about something, you usually end up taking it out on whoever's convenient. Whoever that might happen to be.
Foxxy: You don't say.
UFG: Not to mention the fact that there's constant temptation, and there's no real reason you two can't have sex. But if it was different... if something happened where you two COULDN'T have sex... I'm sure things would be different. Like if he lost his penis in a horrible smelting accident. Or if your vagina suddenly sprouted vicious teeth inside it.
Foxxy: Frankly, I'm not sure that would stop Captain Hero. But I get the gist of what you're saying.
UFG: Right. I mean, it might be rough, but you'd find the strength to work through it. You know... because you love each other.
Foxxy: Right.
UFG: Well... that's all I have to say. (She turns and starts to walk away, then looks back at Foxxy.) I hope you and Captain Hero are able to work things out.
Foxxy: Thanks. I hope so too.
UFG nods and walks off. Foxxy looks out at the ocean again for a moment. She then nods her head, seemingly having come to a realization. She turns and walks away from the ship railing. We cut to Hero's own scene on the deck.
Hero: (inner monologue) Why does that dolphin smell like hot sauce?
Hero shakes his head. We see Foxxy walk up behind him.
Foxxy: Hello, Hero. (Hero turns around. His face lights up, but he has a slight air of hesitation.)
Hero: Foxxy?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. (He quickly walks over to her.)
Hero: Foxxy, I didn't mean for anything to happen, I swear. And I'm sorry that I was so stupid about letting myself get into those situations.
Foxxy: Hero, it's okay. You don't have to try so hard. I know you didn't mean anything.
Hero: Foxxy, I know it was stupid for me to keep encouraging Unusually Flexible Girl like I did. Constantly rushing to her side whenever I felt like she needed someone. Foxxy, I can't lie. Unusually Flexible Girl is a very dear friend who will always be special to me. (Foxxy looks at Hero with an emotionless expression.) But I don't want to be with her romantically. (He takes Foxxy's hands.) I want to be with you.
Foxxy: Hero...
Hero: No, Foxxy, before you say anything, let me get this out. Since I've been with you, you have made me happy in every way possible. And every role that a person can fill in someone's life... I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. My wife, my lover, my partner... and my best friend.
Foxxy: I thought Spanky was your best friend.
Hero: Well, Spanky's my buddy. I mean, he's the guy I drink with, talk about women with, and pull crazy frat boy pranks with... but that's not a best friend. (He looks at Foxxy.) YOU'RE my best friend.
Foxxy: Oh, Hero...
Hero: Do you want to be that TOO, Foxxy? Then it's done! Let's go get some beers, make lewd remarks about the cruise director's ass, and then pants Wooldoor and throw him off the deck!
Clara: (her voice in the distance) Ooh! Can I be in on that?
Foxxy: That's okay, Hero. You can keep doing all that with Spanky.
Hero: Okay.
Foxxy: But the rest of that stuff... yes. I would very much like to accept those positions in your life.
Hero: (beginning to smile) You would?
Foxxy: (now smiling also) Yes. Yes, I would.
Hero's face lights up. He throws his arms around Foxxy. The two hug for a moment, then proceed to kiss. As they continue to kiss for several moments, the scene fades.
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens once again on a shot of the ocean. We again see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to Toot standing on deck in her swimsuit.
Toot: Yeah, this is Part Two. We've decided we're not going to recap what happened in Part One. You can read these in pretty much any order you want, so if you're going to be a complete moron and read Part Two first, then, well... you deserve to be thoroughly confused. And if you just FORGOT what happened in Part One, then you're probably the sort of person who'll forget to pick up your kids from school. So while you're scrambling out the door to go get those snot-nosed brats like you were supposed to do five hours ago, we'll get on with the story. Okay, now let's pick up where we left off.
The scene changes to the exact moment we left the story in the previous episode. We see Foxxy open the door to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin. We instantly see Captain Hero, dressed only in his underwear, sitting on the bed next to UFG, who is under the covers, but who appears to be completely naked. Hero has his arm around her, hugging her. Hero looks up to see Foxxy glaring at him.
Hero: Foxxy! No! This is not what you think!
Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment, then without saying a word, she turns around, slamming the door behind her, and storms off. Hero sits on the bed looking flabbergasted for a moment, then quickly gets up. Without even bothering to put his clothes back on, he hurries out the door in pursuit of Foxxy. UFG sits on the bed looking surprised. The scene cuts to Foxxy marching down the deck, extremely upset. Hero, clad only in his underwear, runs up behind her. He grabs her shoulder to make her stop.
Hero: Foxxy! Foxxy, stop!
Seething with rage, Foxxy turns around.
Foxxy: No, Hero. YOU stop! You stop encouraging that redheaded whore of an ex-girlfriend of yours before it leads to something actually happening between you two! Oh, wait. It already did!
Hero: No, Foxxy. You don't understand. Nothing happened between Unusually Flexible Girl and me. Really!
Foxxy: Why should I believe you?
Hero: Because I'm telling the truth.
Foxxy: Hero, I once dated this guy who one day I happened to walk in on having sex with my best friend. His explanation was that he dropped his keys in her vagina and was fishing them out with his penis. And you what? I'm more inclined to believe HIM than you right now!
Hero: Well, actually, I can see how that could happen. I mean, if she happens to sit down on your keys while she's naked, they could easily get stuck up there. And if you try to use a finger or something to fish them out, your nail could scratch the inside of her sugar walls, so if you think about it, sending the penis in is definitely the way to go in that case. (Foxxy stares at Hero in complete disbelief.)
Foxxy: (after staring for a moment) Hero, you know, my anger is actually starting to subside now.
Hero: (excited) Really?
Foxxy: Yes. My feelings of anger toward you are starting to be totally overcome by my amazement at how epically mind-numbingly stupid you are!
Hero: Thanks!
Foxxy: You really believe that, don't you? You go to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, knowing what the situation is with her, somehow end up with both your clothes off, I walk in you with your arm around her, the two of you having done God knows what to each other, and somehow you STILL persist in believing that it's all completely innocent. I thought maybe you were trying to deceive me, Hero, but I guess you really are just that stupid.
Hero: That's right!
Foxxy: Hero, while it's admirable that you want to make your ex-girlfriend feel better, did it ever occur to you that when you're engaged to somebody else, a mercy screw is just a tad inappropriate?
Hero: Mercy screw? Don't be silly, Foxxy. Captain Hero doesn't do mercy screws. If he sleeps with a girl, it's because he wants to!
Foxxy: Really.
Hero: That's right!
Foxxy: Oh, that just makes everything better!
Hero: Well, perfect! Well, what do you know, this didn't take as much time to sort out as I thought it would! (He starts to turn away.) In that case, Foxxy, I think I'll go back to our cabin for a bit. Come and get me when it's time for the rehearsal, okay? (He turns, but then cranes his head back toward Foxxy for a moment.) Oh, say, Foxxy. If you're going by Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, could you fetch my tux for me? Thanks. (Hero turns and starts to walk away.)
Foxxy: Hero, stop right this minute. (Hero stops. Confused, he turns back to Foxxy.) Hero, are you serious? Do you seriously expect us to still have a rehearsal after this?
Hero: Why not?
Foxxy: Hero, I just caught you with your ex-girlfriend practically naked! And not only do you expect to still marry me, you expect us to just pick up our business right where we left it without even so much as an argument! I mean... God, Hero! Do you not get it? Do you not get it at all?
Hero: Get what?
Foxxy: No, of course you don't. Tell you what, Hero. You go back to your cabin and do whatever it is you're planning to do there. Or maybe I should say, WHOEVER it is you're planning to do there!
Hero: Well, that would be you, Foxxy, but I didn't think you wanted to have sex until the wedding. Or did you mean for me to do myself?
Foxxy: No, Hero, I was actually expecting you to have round two with Unusually Flexible Girl. Although now that you mention it, I *would* like to ask you to go back to your cabin and go-
The scene instantly cuts to Toot and Clara walking in a nearby part of the ship.
Clara: So what about the rehearsal? What happened to that?
Toot: What do you mean?
Clara: Are they still having it?
Toot: Why wouldn't they?
Clara: Well, it's the time when we said we were going to have it and we do not seem to actually be AT it. Furthermore, nobody seems to know where it's going to be... and where the hell have the rest of our housemates gotten to?
Toot: Well, let's see, Xandir's probably having sex with a cabin boy, Spanky's probably masturbating... (As Clara looks mildly creeped out, Toot suddenly becomes thoughtful.) But now that you mention it, what happened to our husbands? Weren't we all together earlier?
Clara: Yes.
Toot: I know what we'll do. We'll go talk to Foxxy again and then just follow her to the rehearsal. Or you can follow Foxxy. I'll follow Hero. I'd rather look at his butt than hers.
Clara: Couldn't we just walk alongside them?
Toot: Oh, that's right, you're not so big on the butts.
Clara: So where are they, anyway? Foxxy and Hero, I mean.
Toot: Well, let me see. When last we left our intrepid lovers, they were-
Clara: Stop that!
Toot: We left Hero at Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin, and I think Foxxy was going there too.
Clara: Yeah, after you tipped her off about it!
Toot: So what's the big deal? I keep telling you, Clara, it's not like there was anything actually happening between them!
Clara: I know, just... there could be trouble, that's all.
Toot: Trouble? Come on, Clara. There won't be any trouble.
Cut back to Foxxy and Hero.
Foxxy: Of course there's going to be trouble! Honestly, Hero! What the hell were you thinking, going back to her place like that? So tell me this. Did you know before you went back there that you were going to sleep with her, or did you just barge into her place like an idiot, saw her there all pretty and... ex-girlfriendy... and decided, hey, as long as I'm here!
Hero: No, Foxxy! It wasn't like that! I didn't sleep with her at all! (Toot and Clara walk up behind Foxxy and begin watching the scene in shock.)
Foxxy: So you're telling me that she wasn't naked under that sheet.
Hero: Well, yeah, she was naked. (Foxxy raises her eyebrows.) But her nudity had nothing to do with me! I swear! She was already naked before I went in there!
Foxxy: Oh, I see. And since SHE was already naked, you figured that you would be remiss if you did not take off your clothes as well and share in her nudity.
Hero: Um...
Foxxy: So what do you have to say for yourself, Hero?
Hero: Um... um... no hablo ingles?
Foxxy: Goodbye, Hero. I'm going to pack up my things and stay in another cabin for the remainder of the cruise. I wish you and your stretchy ex-girlfriend a lifetime of happiness together until you dump her again next week. (Hero stands there stunned. Foxxy turns and starts to walk away.)
Toot: Looks like you were right, Clara. There's trouble.
Clara: (making the donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Foxxy, so frustrated she hardly seems to notice their presence, walks between Toot and Clara. Toot grabs Foxxy to stop her.
Toot: Stop. Foxxy, wait!
Foxxy: Rehearsal's off, you guys. You can change back into your swim clothes now.
Toot: Really? Cool! But that's actually not what we need to talk to you about right now.
Foxxy: (irritated, but willing to listen) What?
Clara: Foxxy, you've got it all wrong. Captain Hero didn't sleep with Unusually Flexible Girl. He had a perfectly legitimate excuse for being in her cabin.
Foxxy: Oh, did he, now?
Toot: (turning toward Hero) Hero, just tell her, okay? (She turns to Foxxy.) And Foxxy, please hear him out. Okay?
Clara: The truth will set you free, Foxxy.
Toot: As will worn-out cliches.
Foxxy sighs, still very irritated. However, she looks at Hero, prepared to listen to his explanation. Hero begins.
Hero: Thank you. Now, then, Foxxy, I will tell you what happened.
The scene changes to a flashback from earlier that morning. We see Hero walking down the deck away from Foxxy after their fight.
Hero: (voice over) I knew I had been an idiot over the whole Unusually Flexible Girl situation. And I knew that no matter how much I protested that I wanted to be with you and not her, I knew there was only way I was going to be able to put your mind at ease over the situation. I knew it would hurt her, but for the sake of my relationship with you, I had no choice but to go to Unusually Flexible Girl's cabin and tell her that I could never see her again. After I got done talking to her in her cabin, at least. I still had to see her while I was telling her I couldn't see her. But after I got done telling her, that was when the not seeing her would officially begin. (We see Hero approach UFG's cabin.) But when I got to her cabin...
Hero arrives at UFG's cabin and knocks on the door.
UFG: Go away! I don't want to see anybody right now!
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl, I know you're upset right now... and I know that I'm partly responsible. But I really need to talk to you.
UFG: Captain Hero, I appreciate the gesture, but could you please come back later? I'm not in a condition to talk to anyone right now!
Hero: Coming back later really isn't an option, Unusually Flexible Girl. My entire relationship with Foxxy is at stake. What I have to say really cannot wait. So can I come in?
UFG: No, Captain Hero. I am very much indisposed at the moment.
Hero: Indisposed? (He thinks for a minute.) What, are you naked?
UFG: Well, yes, but that's not really relevant to-
The door flings wide open. Hero barges in.
Hero: Then it's okay! I've seen you naked lots of times! We really don't have any secrets from each other on the nudity front at this point. (Hero sees UFG in bed. His eyebrows raise in surprise.) Oh, my!
The camera cuts to Unusually Flexible Girl. She has a sheet pulled up to her shoulders. We see that next to her in the bed is none other than Reverend Smack Daddy. UFG is very nervous and somewhat self-conscious.
Reverend: Hey, Captain Hero!
Hero: What the hell? Smack Daddy?
Reverend: One and the same!
At that moment, Toot and Clara burst through the door.
Clara: Smack Daddy? What the hell?
Toot: Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!
UFG: Oh, look, now the whole gang is here. Thank you all for coming out to wallow in my shame.
Hero: (looking at Toot and Clara) What the hell are you two doing here? I thought you were with your husbands and everyone else.
Clara: Oh, Wooldoor came around and started harassing me again for being a whore, so I ditched.
Toot: He wasn't harassing me for acting like a whore, but Clara happened to point out that Wooldoor was also a rabbi and that he could theoretically start laying the Jewish guilt thing on me if he wanted to, so I decided I'd better ditch too before he got started on that. (She turns to UFG.) Aren't rabbis the worst? (Smack Daddy starts to get up.)
Reverend: (turning to UFG) I think I'm going to go up on deck and enjoy this beautiful sunshine that God has given us. And maybe enjoy the beautiful bikini-clad females that God also created for us to enjoy. But I ain't gonna do nothing with 'em, cause that wouldn't be right, cause I ain't married to 'em. I'm just gonna admire 'em. And that's okay. Would you like to come join me?
UFG: Not right now.
Reverend: Suit yourself.
Smack Daddy gets out of bed. He is completely naked. Clara quickly averts her eyes in horror while Toot stands there looking perplexed. Smack Daddy steps into some swim trunks and puts on a very pimp-looking jacket, but no shirt. He slides a pair of sunglasses on his face, then cocks his head and walks out the door. The others all turn to UFG.
Toot: Oh my God! I mean... oh my God! What the hell was that?
Clara: (looking back up and removing her hand from her face) Did we really just see that?
UFG: Again... I'm gonna have to return to my previous position of "I'd rather not talk about it, could you please all leave?".
Hero: In a minute. First, I think we need to know what happened here.
UFG: What happened here? What do you THINK happened here?
Hero: Well, *I* know what probably happened, but it'll probably need to be explained for Clara's benefit.
Clara: (staring at Hero) Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Don't mention it!
Toot: So. You and Smack Daddy.
UFG: Yes, I think that's been established.
Toot: Now that's a pairing I'd never have counted on!
UFG: (sighing, resigning herself to the situation) I know... me either.
Clara: How is you two hooking up even possible? I thought he had this big embargo on premarital sex.
Unusually Flexible sighs and takes a deep breath. She holds up her hand. There is a wedding band on her finger. The others draw back in surprise.
Toot: Oh, wow!
Clara: Oh, my!
Hero: Did you just do this to steal mine and Foxxy's thunder?
UFG, still rather upset, says nothing. She looks down. Hero walks over to her and sits down on the bed beside her.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl?
UFG: Yes?
Hero: Do you want to talk about this?
UFG: Not really.
Hero: I see. (Hero pauses for a moment. He takes a deep breath and looks at Toot and Clara.) Okay. This is a bit of a problem.
Clara: Yes, it definitely is.
Toot: Why?
Hero: What do you mean, why, Toot?
Toot: Why is this a problem? From what I can tell, this solves everything!
Hero: Whatchoo talking about, Toot?
Toot: Well... she's YOUR ex, and Reverend Smack Daddy is Foxxy's ex. Now both of them are paired up with each other and out of the way! You and Foxxy have nothing else to worry about! (At that moment, UFG buries her face in her hands and begins crying again. Clara and Hero looks at her with concern. Toot looks confused.) What?
Hero: Toot, I think you'd better go. (Hero looks at Clara.) You should probably go too, Clara. I think Unusually Flexible Girl needs some privacy right now.
Toot: Yeah... I guess that makes sense. (Toot and Clara start to walk toward the door. They stop briefly as Toot turns to Hero, who now has his arm around Unusually Flexible Girl, comforting her.) What about you, Hero? Are you coming with us?
Hero: (looking at UFG) Would you like to be alone right now?
UFG: (thinking for a moment) No. No, it's okay, Hero. You can stay.
Hero: Okay. Then I will. (He turns to Toot and Clara.) You two run along. I'll join you shortly.
Clara: Hero, are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think Foxxy would like you being here.
Hero: She needs me, Clara. And I want to be there for her. Foxxy will understand.
Toot: Are you sure?
Hero: Don't worry, Toot. Nothing will happen. I promise.
Toot: All right. We believe you.
With that, Toot and Clara exit while Hero sits on the bed comforting UFG. The scene changes back to the group.
Toot: So you see, Foxxy? Hero didn't have any intention of sleeping with Unusually Flexible Girl. Smack Daddy was the one she hooked up with! Hero was just there to comfort her. That's all!
Clara: She's right, Foxxy. Toot and I saw it happen. There was nothing sexual going on. Just one friend comforting another.
Toot: Yeah.
Foxxy: Okay... maybe. But if that's the case... (She turns to Hero.) Then why the hell was you in your underwear?
Toot: Well, that's just because- (Suddenly, the strangeness of the statement hits her. Toot turns to Hero in confusion.) Yeah, why WERE you in your underwear?
Hero: (looking slightly embarrassed) Um... well... under the circumstances, I just felt like taking my clothes off would be the proper thing to do.
Toot: (after looking at Hero for a moment) Okay, we're not helping you anymore.
Hero: No, no, no! Let me explain!
Foxxy: I really don't think I have time for another flashback.
Hero: Well, flashbacks are easier for me than using words. Here, I'll show you.
The scene changes back to Hero and UFG. Hero has his arm around her.
UFG: Thank you for doing this, Hero.
Hero: It's no problem. Really.
UFG: Hero, I don't want to come between you and Foxxy. Really I don't.
Hero: I know.
UFG: Thanks for doing this, but I think the girls were right. If Foxxy knew you were here, she'd be very upset. I appreciate the gesture, but for the sake of your relationship, I think you'd better leave.
Hero: Please, don't talk about that. This is not about me and Foxxy. This is about me and you.
UFG: Me and you? Okay.
Hero: So what happened? With Smack Daddy, I mean. What on earth caused you to hook up with HIM, of all people?
UFG: Well... it was right after you and Foxxy left the bar last night.
The scene changes to the bar the previous night. UFG narrates as we see the scene being played out. We see Foxxy drag Hero out of the bar. UFG stands looking very frustrated. She sits down, on the verge of tears. She begins sobbing.
UFG: (voice over) I was nearly at the end of my rope. I didn't feel I had a friend left in the world when suddenly... he walked up. (Reverend Smack Daddy walks up.)
Reverend: Excuse me, fine lady. Is this seat taken?
UFG: (looking up to see Smack Daddy) No, not at all. Sit down. (As the scene in the bar continues to play out, we hear Toot's voice cut in, talking over the action.)
Toot: (voice over) Now hold on a second! A flashback within another flashback? Isn't that a bit much?
Foxxy: (voice over) Quiet, Toot. I think I'd like to hear Unusually Flexible Girl's side of events. She's a bit more reliable a narrator than Captain Hero.
Clara: (voice over) Yes, but her monologue is coming WITHIN a flashback by Captain Hero!
Foxxy: (voice over) Be that as it may.
Clara: (voice over) Does that phrase even MEAN anything?
The meta dialogue stops. We begin hearing the conversation in the bar again.
Reverend: Speaking of Jesus, are you a believer in the Lord, madam?
UFG: Actually, Reverend... I'm Jewish.
Reverend: Really? With that nose? (Unusually Flexible Girl rolls her eyes and sighs. Smack Daddy persists, however.) Well, it don't matter what your nose looks like, to be honest. What I'm mainly concerned with is that smoking hot ass you got behind you there!
UFG: Look, let's just cut to the chase, okay? Are you trying to pick me up? Because I'm really not in the mood right now.
Reverend: Pick you up? No way, sugar! I don't believe in casual hookups!
UFG: Good. Cause you'd just be wasting your time. I honestly can't see any reason that I would ever sleep with you.
Reverend: Well, that's okay. I wouldn't sleep with you either.
UFG: (by this point almost too jaded to care anymore) Yeah, well, join the club, pal.
Reverend: Now it's not cause I don't like you, understand. It's cause I don't believe men and women should have sex with each other unless they's properly married first. (UFG hangs her head in frustration and covers her face with her hands. Smack Daddy persists.) Now if you decided that you was willing to marry me in the next few minutes... now that's a different story. (UFG uncovers her face and looks up, very much alarmed. The scene changes back to her and Hero in bed together.)
UFG: So the next thing I knew, he had flagged down the captain of the ship and we got married right there in the bar. (She pauses briefly.) I knew it was a dumb idea. But the second he mentioned marriage... I snapped. I know that if I was in my right mind, I never would have agreed to it so quickly, but I was depressed and lonely, and thinking about Nana again... and suddenly all I could think about was the fact that I had a husband right there in front of me. Even if he wasn't exactly the kind of guy I'd bring home to Mother.
Hero: Wow. That's unbelievable.
UFG: So now what do I do? I not only degraded and debased myself, but I'm now stuck in a marriage to some sleazy hypocritical player wannabe!
Hero: (turning to UFG) What if I pushed him overboard for you? (UFG looks at him strangely.) I've killed before. I'm not proud of it. (He thinks for a minute.) Except Bambi. That little prick had it coming.
UFG: No, Hero. Don't hurt him. I got myself into this mess. I'll have to be the one to get myself out of it.
Hero: Well, there's got to be something I can do to help you.
UFG: Thanks, Hero. But I don't think so.
Hero: Well... okay, then. (There is silence for a few seconds. After a pause, Hero speaks up.) I'm hungry. (He turns to UFG.) You got any food here?
UFG: Uh, well... I have some leftover spaghetti from dinner last night. You can have it, I guess.
Hero: (getting up) Thanks! (As UFG sits under the covers looking confused, Hero walks over to the small fridge. He opens it and gets out the spaghetti. He grabs a fork and walks back over to the bed. Before he sits down, however, he begins to think.) Hmm... now that I think about it, spaghetti's kind of messy. I'd better take my clothes off so I don't get spaghetti all over them.
Hero sets down the spaghetti, then quickly undresses. Now in his underwear, he sits down on the bed and begins eating the spaghetti. UFG continues to sit there trying to take everything in.
Hero: (back in the real world, to Foxxy) So you see? I *did* have a good reason to take my clothes off! Now just admit it. You'd have been pretty mad if I'd tried to get married in a dirty tux!
Foxxy: Well... you had obviously finished your spaghetti by the time I walked in. Can you explain to me why upon finishing your meal, you didn't put your clothes back on?
Hero: Um... in case we had dessert?
Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then hangs her head down and sighs.
Foxxy: My God.
Clara: Mine too!
Foxxy: You know what, Hero? I believe you. I actually believe you.
Hero: (surprised) Really?
Foxxy: Yes, really. I am now completely convinced that you were not cheating on me at all.
Hero: (still surprised, but very pleased) Okay!
Foxxy: I thought that maybe you were fooling around with your ex-girlfriend and trying to cover for it, but now I realize. You're not clever enough to do that!
Hero: No, I'm not! (He suddenly realizes he isn't being complimented.) Wait.
Foxxy: Hero, all the while you've been telling me this, only one thought has crossed my mind. If this is honestly, truly, honest to God actually what happened, then you have to be the biggest idiot on this entire ship to let yourself get into that kind of predicament, knowing the situation between us right now. And believe it or not, a part of me was actually hoping that you WERE fooling around with her, because that would at least mean that there was a remote possibility that somewhere in that big head of yours was a single brain cell that was somewhat functional. I realized that only a true moron could get himself into such a situation and then not even have presence of mind enough to try to hide it from me. Well, Captain Hero, guess what? You are that moron.
Hero: Wait. So you believe my story about not cheating on you... but you're still mad at me? I don't get it.
Foxxy: Of course you don't. (Foxxy sighs and starts to turn away.) I think I'm going to go walk around for a while. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Hero: Foxxy, the wedding's still on, isn't it?
Foxxy: I don't know.
Hero: Oh, Foxxy, please don't do this. I know I'm not the smartest guy around, but you know how I feel about you. Shouldn't that be the most important thing? Come on, Foxxy. No matter what kind of problems we're having... you KNOW we're meant for each other!
Foxxy: I don't know, Hero. (She sighs.) I don't know. (She turns and starts walking away.) I'll talk to you guys later. I need to be alone for a while right now.
Clara: Does this mean-?
Foxxy: Yes, Clara, the rehearsal is off. You can change out of your formal clothes now.
Clara: (doing a fist pump) Yes! (She turns to see Hero looking at her, slightly irritated.) Well, it's a silver lining, isn't it?
Hero looks sad for a moment, then turns and begins to walk away. Clara suddenly becomes regretful.
Clara: (calling after him) Hero, I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything!
Hero: (walking away) It's not your fault, Clara.
Toot: Are you going to be okay?
Hero: Ask Foxxy. That question's up to her. (Hero goes out of sight. Clara and Toot turn and look at each other. Neither says anything for a moment.)
Clara: (after a moment) So.
Toot: Yeah. (They pause. Toot turns back to Clara.) So get back in our swimsuits now?
Clara: Sure, why not? Might as well go be a whore for Wooldoor again.
Toot nods. The scene changes back to UFG's cabin. She is now alone again. She sits staring into space for a moment, not quite knowing how she wants to react. Finally, she sighs and hangs her head. She buries her face in her hands and begins sobbing. At that moment, the door flies open. Wooldoor bursts in, a crazed look in his eyes.
Wooldoor: I heard there was fornicating going on in here! I hope I'm not too late! (UFG continues sobbing. Wooldoor looks at her with concern.) Mandy?
UFG: Hello, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: What's going on?
UFG: (trying to speak through her tears) You're right, Wooldoor. There is fornicating going on in here. Or there was.
Wooldoor: There was? Who was it?
UFG: Who do you think? It was me. (Wooldoor cautiously walks over to UFG. He simply stands looking at her.) Oh, Wooldoor, I've done a terrible thing! I married that awful rapper who calls himself a Christian and then I had sex with him! And even worse, I think I broke up Hero and Foxxy's engagement! (Still in tears, she looks over at Wooldoor, who is looking very serious.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Go ahead and judge me for what I did. I deserve it.
Wooldoor walks over to UFG and sits down next to her. He takes her hand.
Wooldoor: Mandy, no. I don't want to judge you. I want to make you feel better.
UFG: (showing some hope) Really?
Wooldoor: Really. (He begins comforting her.) Now what's wrong?
UFG: Oh, Wooldoor, you wouldn't understand.
Wooldoor: They told me I wouldn't understand quantum physics, either, but I did. So go ahead and tell me what's going on.
UFG: Well... I came on this cruise to have a good time and share in the joy that two of my closest friends were getting married. But I couldn't do that because Foxxy got it into her head that I was trying to get Captain Hero back, so the two of them just kept shutting me out. All that did was just drive it deeper and deeper into my head how alone I was. I mean, I do kind of have a boyfriend, but he seemed to be a lot more concerned with following this other girl around than paying attention to ME.
Wooldoor: Really? That's terrible, Mandy! Who is this guy? I'm going to go give him a good punch in the face!
UFG: Um, you.
Without missing a beat, Wooldoor punches himself in the face extremely hard, knocking himself off the bed. He immediately gets back up, face bruised, sits back down on the bed, and puts his arm around UFG.
Wooldoor: Now, then. Continue.
As UFG continues to unburden herself, the scene changes back to Hero. We are now back to the frame story. Hero is standing on the deck looking out at the ocean again. He is back in his tux, while his inner monologue takes over.
Hero: (inner monologue) I'm glad that Wooldoor told me what happened after I left. Otherwise, it would have been very tricky to have a flashback of that scene since I wasn't around for it. (He looks down at his clothes with a hint of confusion.) And why did I put my tux back on, anyway? Oh, well, it doesn't matter. What matters is how things are with Foxxy. And right now... they're not good. Not good at all. I'd go try to chase her down if I had any idea where to find her... or if there was a chance that I could actually come up with something to say to change her mind. Not very good with the words I am. All I know is how I feel about Foxxy. Too bad there can't be someone else. Someone else who can solve this entire problem by coming up with the words that Foxxy wants to hear right now.
The scene changes back to Foxxy's parallel scene.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I knew the kind of person Hero was when I first got involved with him. That much hasn't changed. So I honestly don't know why I should be surprised by all this. But somehow... I am. (Foxxy pauses for a moment to look at the ocean. After a moment, she resumes.) So what was it that changed? Was it the no-sex pact that did it? Maybe Hero's irritating tendencies were tolerable when we had the sex, but if you take that out of the equation... maybe we're not such a fit couple after all. (She pauses for a moment again.) If I were a weaker person, I'd just give in and go have sex with him so we could try to fix the relationship. But I don't know... somehow... that doesn't feel like the right way to do things. And who knows? (She looks down.) At this point... is our relationship even salvageable? Could we EVER make it all the way back to the way we were? (At that point, we hear a lonely violin play the first few notes of "The Way We Were".) I hate this stupid incidental music.
The violin stops. Foxxy continues to look out at the ocean. She is very thoughtful. After a moment, she is arrested by a voice behind her.
Voice: Foxxy?
Foxxy turns to see UFG standing behind her. She sighs exasperatedly.
Foxxy: I don't know where Captain Hero is, Unusually Flexible Girl. So don't even bother to ask me.
UFG: (apologetically) I'm not looking for Hero, Foxxy. I was looking for you.
Foxxy's face tenses up. She seems to be on the verge of telling UFG off. However, her patience wins out, and she decides to be diplomatic. She looks at UFG calmly.
Foxxy: All right. What did you want?
UFG: Foxxy, I never meant to cause any trouble between you and Captain Hero. Honestly, I didn't. If I had known my presence would be this problematic, I would never have asked to even come on this cruise. In fact, when Wooldoor first invited me to go, I actually turned him down because I thought it might be rather awkward. I didn't want to tell him the truth, so I made up that excuse about taking my other nana to a Hummel convention.
Foxxy: Oh, really? So your other nana didn't really die, then.
UFG: No, she did actually die. It was the part about the Hummel convention that was a lie.
Foxxy: Oh. Well, I'm very sorry, then.
UFG: Nah, don't be. I wasn't that close to this nana. Her name was Taking Jewishness To Ungodly Levels Woman. She was like, my mother times two!
Foxxy: I see. (She pauses for a moment.) So what changed your mind? (UFG looks at Foxxy.) What made you decide to go to the wedding after all?
UFG: I was at my nana's funeral. And for some reason, instead of being sad at her being dead, all I could think about was the fact that two of my best friends were about to start a lifetime of happiness together and I wasn't going to be there for it. And that made me even sadder than my nana dying.
Foxxy: I see.
UFG: I tried to resist the impulse to show up at your door right as you were about to leave and invite myself to the wedding at the last minute. "Don't do it, Mandy," I told myself. "It will just cause problems." But then, I happened to think to myself, "No, Mandy. That might be a valid fear if you were dealing with someone else. But this is Foxxy Love we're dealing with. The most sensible, levelheaded person in the entire world. If there's anybody in the world I can trust to be mature about this whole issue, it's her." So yeah, maybe this would have been an issue for most couples. (She looks at Foxxy.) But somehow, I knew in my heart that you two would be able to rise above it.
UFG turns away. There is silence for a moment. Neither woman looks at the other. After a prolonged pause, Foxxy finally speaks up.
Foxxy: Yeah... maybe you're right. (UFG turns back to Foxxy.)
UFG: Foxxy, I don't want to cause problems. Really, I don't. And even if Hero did end up back with me somehow, I know that he'd never be even half as happy as he is with you right now. Really. It was hard for me to accept, but I finally did. You and Hero are meant to be together. And it wouldn't be right for me to do anything that might keep that from happening. So, Foxxy, if this is what it takes for you and Hero to fix things... then I'll promise never to see him again for as long as I live.
Foxxy looks at UFG for a moment before speaking.
Foxxy: No... no, don't do that. This wasn't your fault. Now that I think about it, you've never done anything with the intent to break me and Hero up to get him back for yourself. It was all just me being jealous.
UFG: You were jealous of ME? Why?
Foxxy: Well, because I know what things were like when you two dated. Nothing but hot, wild, kinky sex all the time.
UFG: Well, yeah, but-
Foxxy: And I know what you're going to say. "But we didn't have love." And that may be true. But still... maybe there's a part of the brain that just can't help getting worked up about ANY part of a past relationship that might be better than what it is with you.
UFG: I guess I can see that. But even then, Foxxy... do you seriously think that Hero and I might have had wilder sex than what you guys have?
Foxxy: You have those stretchy powers. I'm sure Captain Hero likes that.
UFG: He does, but... I think he likes the sexual allure of a hot black chick a lot more.
Foxxy: (after thinking for a moment) Yeah. Yeah, maybe he does. (She starts to smile, but the smile quickly leaves her face as she thinks of another issue.) Actually... that probably doesn't make things better. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was only the sex he liked with ME, too. Especially since ever since we stopped having sex, we've practically been at each other's throats.
UFG: Well, Foxxy, that doesn't mean you're a bad couple. When you're used to having something all the time and then you're suddenly deprived of it, you get stressed out about it. That's just the way things work! And when you're stressed out about something, you usually end up taking it out on whoever's convenient. Whoever that might happen to be.
Foxxy: You don't say.
UFG: Not to mention the fact that there's constant temptation, and there's no real reason you two can't have sex. But if it was different... if something happened where you two COULDN'T have sex... I'm sure things would be different. Like if he lost his penis in a horrible smelting accident. Or if your vagina suddenly sprouted vicious teeth inside it.
Foxxy: Frankly, I'm not sure that would stop Captain Hero. But I get the gist of what you're saying.
UFG: Right. I mean, it might be rough, but you'd find the strength to work through it. You know... because you love each other.
Foxxy: Right.
UFG: Well... that's all I have to say. (She turns and starts to walk away, then looks back at Foxxy.) I hope you and Captain Hero are able to work things out.
Foxxy: Thanks. I hope so too.
UFG nods and walks off. Foxxy looks out at the ocean again for a moment. She then nods her head, seemingly having come to a realization. She turns and walks away from the ship railing. We cut to Hero's own scene on the deck.
Hero: (inner monologue) Why does that dolphin smell like hot sauce?
Hero shakes his head. We see Foxxy walk up behind him.
Foxxy: Hello, Hero. (Hero turns around. His face lights up, but he has a slight air of hesitation.)
Hero: Foxxy?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. (He quickly walks over to her.)
Hero: Foxxy, I didn't mean for anything to happen, I swear. And I'm sorry that I was so stupid about letting myself get into those situations.
Foxxy: Hero, it's okay. You don't have to try so hard. I know you didn't mean anything.
Hero: Foxxy, I know it was stupid for me to keep encouraging Unusually Flexible Girl like I did. Constantly rushing to her side whenever I felt like she needed someone. Foxxy, I can't lie. Unusually Flexible Girl is a very dear friend who will always be special to me. (Foxxy looks at Hero with an emotionless expression.) But I don't want to be with her romantically. (He takes Foxxy's hands.) I want to be with you.
Foxxy: Hero...
Hero: No, Foxxy, before you say anything, let me get this out. Since I've been with you, you have made me happy in every way possible. And every role that a person can fill in someone's life... I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. My wife, my lover, my partner... and my best friend.
Foxxy: I thought Spanky was your best friend.
Hero: Well, Spanky's my buddy. I mean, he's the guy I drink with, talk about women with, and pull crazy frat boy pranks with... but that's not a best friend. (He looks at Foxxy.) YOU'RE my best friend.
Foxxy: Oh, Hero...
Hero: Do you want to be that TOO, Foxxy? Then it's done! Let's go get some beers, make lewd remarks about the cruise director's ass, and then pants Wooldoor and throw him off the deck!
Clara: (her voice in the distance) Ooh! Can I be in on that?
Foxxy: That's okay, Hero. You can keep doing all that with Spanky.
Hero: Okay.
Foxxy: But the rest of that stuff... yes. I would very much like to accept those positions in your life.
Hero: (beginning to smile) You would?
Foxxy: (now smiling also) Yes. Yes, I would.
Hero's face lights up. He throws his arms around Foxxy. The two hug for a moment, then proceed to kiss. As they continue to kiss for several moments, the scene fades.
(to be continued...)
