DTBL episode 31: Road Trip III- Viva Las Vegas

[Raymond-Raymond]

ROAD TRIP III: VIVA LAS VEGAS

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the hotel. Dawn is breaking. The scene cuts to the interior, where the camera pans across the housemates sleeping peacefully in their hotel room. We see, in order, Spanky in the chair, Toot on the floor, Clara on the couch, and finally Hero in the bed. The camera stops on a closeup of Hero's face.

Hero: (waking up) Mmmmmm. That was nice. (He turns to his right.) You were incredible last night.

Wooldoor: (next to him in the bed) Thanks.

Hero and Wooldoor both roll over and go back to sleep. However, Hero suddenly jerks awake and bolts up.

Hero: What the hell? (He turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor? What the hell are you doing in our bed?

We see that Wooldoor is nestled between Hero and Foxxy in the bed.

Wooldoor: I had a bad dream last night and I didn't want to sleep alone!

Hero: Wooldoor, don't you know it's common courtesy to ask before you crawl into bed with someone? I mean, *I* always do!

Wooldoor: I'm sorry!

Hero: Oh, well, I guess it's in the past now.

Foxxy: (waking up) Hero? Whatchoo doin'? Why do I hear you talking to Wooldoor?

Hero: Wooldoor slept with us last night, Foxxy.

Foxxy: He did? Goddammit, Hero, I told you next time you wanted to bring one of your friends home and have a threesome with me while I's asleep, to wake me up first so I can enjoy it!

Wooldoor: No, Foxxy, we didn't have sex or anything! I just crawled into bed with you guys because I was having that dream again!

Foxxy: You was being stalked by Angelina Jolie?

Wooldoor: Yeah! How many times do I have to tell that woman, "I just don't like you like that, bitch!"?

Clara: (waking up) Good morning, everybody. (She sits up on the couch, then looks and sees Wooldoor in bed between Foxxy and Hero.) Did you guys have a threesome last night?

Foxxy: That's what I'm trying to find out! (Spanky wakes up. He looks over and sees the group in the bed.)

Spanky: (annoyed) Oh, man! I'd have been a better person to have a threesome with than Wooldoor!

Toot: (waking up) What's going on, guys?

Clara: Hero, Foxxy, and Wooldoor had a threesome. Foxxy may or may not have known about it.

Toot: Oh. Okay. Wake me up when it's time for breakfast. (She lies back down and goes back to sleep.)

Hero: (to Wooldoor) You see what you did? Now everybody thinks we had a threesome!

Wooldoor: We didn't?

Foxxy: Wooldoor, do you even know what a threesome is?

Wooldoor: No. What is it?

Foxxy: Well, first of all, Captain Hero and I start having sex. Like this. (She sits up on the bed and puts her hands on Hero's shoulders. She gently leans back on the bed with Hero holding her. After a moment, their bodies are intertwined with each other.) Now, Wooldoor, you come in here! (She points to a place on her body.)

Wooldoor: Okay! (He enters the pile.) Wheeeeeeeeeeee! This is fun!

Clara: I'm so glad my father's not here to see this.

Spanky: Why? You afraid he wouldn't like his little girl seeing something so dirty?

Clara: No, I'm afraid it might give him ideas!

Foxxy: (finishing up) And there you go, Wooldoor! That's how you have a threesome!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeee! That was fun! Let's do it again!

Clara: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we get dressed and go have breakfast? I'm kind of looking forward to seeing some of the town. Besides the prostitution district, I mean.

Wooldoor: Oh! Captain Hero! Can we go see the prostitutes?

Hero: If you're good, Wooldoor.

Foxxy: Yeah... we ain't corrupting influences on him at all!

The housemates start getting dressed. Hero stands beside the bed putting his clothes on while Wooldoor sits on the end of it doing the same. Clara stands up and puts her dress on, then turns around in confusion.

Clara: Wait a minute... where'd Ling-Ling go?

The housemates stop and begin to look around. Hero sits back down on the bed and begins looking under the pillows. Spanky gets up and looks under the chair cushion. Finally, we hear a rustling sound coming from the drawer that Wooldoor had been sleeping in. The housemates look up. As the rustling continues, Clara walks over to the drawer and looks in it. As she does so, Ling-Ling pops his head out of the drawer. He is buried under a mess of blankets, sheets, and towels. He throws off what he can until his face is just barely visible.

Ling-Ling: Goddammit, people, Ling-Ling knew that would happen somehow! (He continues trying to climb out from under all the blankets and towels.) I swear, it seem like no matter where Ling-Ling go to sleep, he always wake up with stuff piled on him! (After a moment, he looks to his left and sees Hero, Foxxy, and Wooldoor all sitting on the bed.) Did you guys have threesome?

Hero wrinkles his brow. Foxxy rolls her eyes. Clara and Spanky shrug. Wooldoor continues putting on his clothes, completely unaware.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Clara (in confessional): After we had breakfast and scraped Xandir off the floor of the bellhop's room, we decided to go to this adorable little boutique we saw across the street!

Cut to the housemates entering a store. All around them are strange-looking devices and boxes with pictures depicting sexual acts. Each housemate goes to a separate part of the room and begins browsing.

Clara: Oh, my! I've never seen a place like THIS before! (She begins looking at a bottle.) Why, this looks like lotion! (She wrinkles her brow.) But why isn't the woman on the bottle wearing any clothes?

Wooldoor: (sees something and rushes over to it) Ooh! This must be a toy store! (He turns it on. It begins whirring and pulsing.) Oooooooh! Hey, Clara, can I play with this?

Clara: I don't know, Wooldoor. What is it? (She walks over to the device and turns it off, then turns it back on.) I wonder if it's a medical device of some sort.

Spanky: Yeah... it massages your prostate!

Clara: Oh... so it's a therapeutic kind of thing!

Spanky: (snickering) Yeah.

Wooldoor: (sees something else across the room) Oooh! That looks like another neat toy! I'm gonna go play with it right now! (He dashes off.)

Clara is looking around at all the items in the store. Foxxy walks up to her.

Clara: (confused, holding some clamps) I don't understand. Why would anyone need... (looks at label) "nipple clamps"? It seems to me that would be very painful!

Xandir: (turns around from browsing a huge selection of mechanical penises) That's the idea!

Foxxy: Clara... is you sure you needs to be in here with us? I'm not sure Jesus would approve.

Clara: Why not? Is this place dirty or something? (Foxxy raises her brows, but does not speak.) I mean, there DOES seem to be an unnatural number of naked people on the product packaging... but if these are medical devices, well... I guess you have to show your body to your doctor, don't you?

Cut to Clara in a doctor's office. She is sitting on a doctor's chair wearing nothing but a hospital gown while a doctor stands in front of her.

Clara: Show you my giggy? But... I don't think Jesus would want me to do that!

Doctor: Clara, it's okay. I'm your gynecologist. I'm supposed to see it.

Clara: I might believe you... but that's the same thing Spanky Ham said to me last night!

Doctor: Clara, I was the doctor who delivered you. I saw your giggy the moment you were born!

Clara immediately gasps and crosses her arms over her legs to cover them.

Cut back to the sex shop. Toot and Xandir are browsing the mechanical penises.

Xandir: (looking through the items) No... no... I don't like that one either... no... God! What's it take to get a good quality penis around here?

Toot: Bending over.

Xandir: (ignoring Toot, still looking through the items) No... that one's no good... oh, here! What about this one? (He grabs one off the rack and shows it to Toot.)

Toot: You want my opinion of a mechanical penis? Um... I'm sorry, Xandir, I don't know what criteria I'm supposed to be using to judge these things!

Xandir: (holding it out to her) Just try to imagine this going up your-

Toot: (cutting him off) Really don't need the mental picture, Xandir!

Xandir: What's the matter, Toot? Don't you like penises?

Toot: Yes. But I like REAL ones! Not toys!

Xandir: Yes, but the XR7000 is hardly a toy! Why, it was selected most realistic fake genitalia on the market by Penis Monthly! (Toot rolls her eyes. Foxxy and Hero walk up to them.)

Hero: Hey, Toot. Hey, other person whose name I could probably remember if I wanted to, but really don't have the motivation. What are you guys doing?

Toot: Xandir's looking for something to stick inside him during the ten minutes a day he isn't having gay sex!

Hero: And you're looking at mechanical penises, eh? Nice choice!

Xandir: I was thinking about buying this one. (He holds out the one he was showing to Toot earlier.) What do you guys think?

Foxxy: Ooh! Is that the XR7000? Why, I hear that was selected most realistic fake genitalia on the market by Penis Monthly! Let me have a look at that! (He hands it to her.) Let's see... 3 speeds... runs on two Double A batteries... 15 points of articulation... I say you got yo'self a fake peepee there, Xandir!

Xandir: Yay! I can't wait to get home and try it out! (He looks around for a moment.) Foxxy, can I borrow the keys to your van?

As Foxxy reaches into her pocket for the keys, Toot interjects.

Toot: Foxxy, don't you dare! (Foxxy stops.)

Xandir: That's okay. I think they have a room in back. (He walks off.)

Toot: Hey, I have an idea! If Xandir's so keen to get penises shoved up his ass, why doesn't he just disconnect his and stick IT up there?

Foxxy: Hey, yeah! Then next time we tell him to go fuck himself... he will!

Toot: Literally!

Hero: (looking through items) Well, it's obvious to me that these devices were made for women who have never slept with Captain Hero! I mean, they're big... but they're not as big as ME!

Toot: Get real, Hero. You see the size of these things? Nobody's THAT big!

Hero: Except me!

Clara suddenly steps over. She sees Foxxy holding the XR7000.

Clara: Is Xandir going to stick that up his ass?

Foxxy: Yeah.

Clara: That looks pretty big. Won't it hurt?

Foxxy: Probably.

Clara: Oh. Okay, then. (She returns to what she was looking at.)

Toot: Okay, Hero... you may be big, but I bet you a triple fudge triple decker Frosty you're not THIS big! (She reaches toward the back and pulls out a humongous box.)

Hero: Wow... that one's almost the same size as mine! In fact, it even kind of looks like mine! In fact... (Hero begins staring at the package intently. A worried look crosses his face.) Wait a minute... that IS mine! (He turns to Foxxy frantically.) Foxxy! That's my penis!

Foxxy: (looking at the package) It does kind of look like your peepee, Captain Hero. I'm sure it's just coincidence.

Hero: It is NOT a coincidence! There's only one penis in the world like mine! These bastards have obviously copied mine and made a sex toy out of it!

Toot: Oh, come on, Hero! How would this company even know what your penis looks like?

Clara: (without turning around) Is there anyone left in the world who DOESN'T know what Hero's penis looks like?

Hero: Yes! Jessica Stewart of Townsville, Maryland!

Hero (in confessional): I shaved my pubes for you, Jessica! Why wouldn't you put out? (He begins crying.)

Foxxy: I got to admit, the resemblance is awfully uncanny! Maybe these people DID make a sex toy out of your peepee!

Hero: You see there? They're taking advantage of me! I won't stand for this!

Foxxy: Oh, what's the big deal? So they copied your penis! You shouldn't be mad, you should be honored! I don't see no one making a sex toy out of Xandir's peepee!

Clara: (still without turning around) That's because Xandir's penis is ALREADY a sex toy!

Hero: That's not the point! This toy is getting action that I'm not! (He steps forward and becomes wistful.) Just think... all those vaginas out there... being plugged by some impostor! (He turns to Foxxy defiantly.) *I* could have been in those vaginas, Foxxy!

Clara: (still without turning around) You probably WERE at one point, Captain Hero!

Foxxy: Captain Hero, what makes you so sure it's vaginas that all them things are going in?

Hero: I don't understand. What else could they go in?

At that moment, Xandir enters from the back room. He is skipping happily and singing to himself. He passes Foxxy, Hero, and Toot, all of whom look extremely confused. Hero turns back to Foxxy angrily.

Hero: Now I *definitely* don't want that thing out there!

Wooldoor runs over to the group, his arms full of strange-looking sex toys.

Wooldoor: Hey, guys, what's going on?

Foxxy: Nothing, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: I just found a whole bunch of- (He suddenly sees the box Hero is holding and becomes extremely excited.) Ooooh! Captain Hero's penis! (He drops all the toys he is holding and grabs the box away from Hero.) I want one! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Foxxy: Now, Wooldoor, you can either have Captain Hero's penis or the Spongebob Squarepants edible Underoos. Now which one do you want?

Wooldoor: Captain Hero's penis! Captain Hero's penis!

Foxxy: All right, you got it. (Clara finishes browsing and strolls over.)

Clara: Well, I think I'm about done here. You guys ready to head on out?

Foxxy: I think so. (She calls out to the group.) All right, y'all, we's ready to leave now! Get whatever stuff you're gonna buy and let's pay for it and get out of here!

All of the remaining housemates suddenly appear in front of Foxxy and Clara. Everyone has both arms full with a huge assortment of items.

Clara: Oh, my! You're all sure buying a lot of stuff!

Toot: Hey, what's up, Foxxy? How come you're not getting anything?

Foxxy: I don't feel like lugging a lot of stuff around. I'm just gonna put my name on the mailing list!

Clara walks up to Ling-Ling and peers curiously at what he is holding. His tiny arms are full of thin packets.

Clara: Ling-Ling? What are you buying? (She takes one of the packets and looks at it.) Ling-Ling... why are you buying women's underwear? Are you buying these for someone else? (Ling-Ling thinks a moment, then nods.)

Clara: Oh, well, that's nice! Wait a minute. (She looks at the package again.) Why, Ling-Ling... this is USED underwear! Why are you buying USED underwear?

Ling-Ling: Um... Ling-Ling buy used underwear so he can clean them and give them to orphans! Yeah, that ticket!

Clara: Oh. Well, that's very nice of you, Ling-Ling. It's nice of you to help those less fortunate! (Ling-Ling smiles.) Do you think you'll have time to get to them, though? I mean, you've had MY dirty underwear for weeks now!

Ling-Ling: Don't worry... Ling-Ling get to them! (He smirks.)

Spanky (in confessional): We weren't sure how we were going to get all the stuff we bought home with us and still have room in the van for our luggage. To me, the solution seemed obvious.

Cut to the group standing outside the store.

Spanky: Oh, come on, Foxxy!

Foxxy: No, Spanky! We are not leaving Xandir and that's final!

Spanky: Aw, man!

Cut to Hero, who has now taken the mechanical penis out of its box and is staring at it.

Toot: Ugh! Why don't you two get a room?

Hero: I'm telling you, Toot, this is MY penis!

Toot: Oh, come on, Hero! All penises look alike! Except the Asian ones... sorry, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling does the "talk to the hand" motion at Toot.)

Hero: This really is my penis, Toot! Watch, I'll prove it to you! (A tall blond man in a red suit jacket leaves the shop. Hero accosts him.) Excuse me, sir! Do you know anything about penises?

Man: (in a thick German accent) Penises? Yes, I suppose so.

Hero: (holding out the mechanical penis) You see this penis? (The man nods.) Okay, now... you see THIS penis? (He pulls his pants down. The man's eyes grow wide.)

Man: Oh, my!

Clara: (averting her eyes) I don't want to look. Is Hero nude in a public place again?

Toot: Yeah, pretty much.

Clara: (continuing to avert her eyes) Thanks.

Xandir: (rushes up to the man) Hero, what the hell are you doing? You don't just pull your pants down in public and expose yourself to random strangers!

Clara (in confessional): Was that irony?

Xandir: (turning to the man as Hero pulls his pants back up) I'm sorry, sir. Please forgive my friend. He doesn't realize you need to introduce yourself before you start in with the nudity!

Man: That's okay... um...

Xandir: Xandir.

Man: Yes, Xandir. Your friend... I don't know if it's the same as the one on the box, but your friend there... he has a very nice penis. Quite attractive.

Xandir: (a little taken aback) Oh, really? You... you like the penis?

Man: One might say I am an aficionado of the penis, yes.

Xandir: (blushing) Oh, really? Then, um... how do you like THIS one? (Xandir pulls down his shorts. The man's eyes bug out.)

Man: Now that is an impressive penis!

Hero: You can't seriously tell me it's better than MINE, can you? Perhaps you didn't get a good enough look at it before! (Hero pulls down his pants again.)

Clara: (her eyes still covered) Now I know how Lorena Bobbitt felt!

Man: Yes, yes, they're both very nice... but I think that... um... Xandir's... is nicer.

Hero: (incensed) WHAT???

Toot (in confessional): We interrupt this lame Xandir subplot to bring you something far more interesting. Me! (begins singing) You dreamed of A-list parties... a talk show on late night...

Cut back to the present.

Toot: (voice over) Goddammit!

Spanky (in confessional): So anyway, Xandir and the blond homo ended up running off somewhere and having gay sex, or... doing macrame or... whatever it is those people do with their free time. I don't know, I don't figure you really care. So we decided to go our separate ways for the afternoon and then meet up later and do something as a group that night.

Clara: All right, Ling-Ling and I are off to see the Jesus Museum! We'll catch up with you guys later!

Foxxy: Bye, Clara! (They wave goodbye to Clara. Clara waves back, then walks off with Ling-Ling.)

Spanky: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to go partake of a form of entertainment that put Vegas on the map!

Wooldoor: Midget wrestling?

Spanky: No... strip clubs!

Hero: That sounds great, Spanky! I'm with you!

Wooldoor: Hey, guys! I wanna go to the strip club!

Foxxy: You can't go to the strip club, Wooldoor! You's far too young! Them things is liable to corrupt yo' mind and cause your morals to decay!

Wooldoor: Really?

Foxxy: Naw, strip clubs is totally cool!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Foxxy: But we still can't take you with us, Wooldoor. You're not 18! Those bouncers won't even let you in!

Wooldoor: I have a fake ID!

Foxxy: Be that as it may.

Wooldoor: Oh, all right! So now what am I supposed to do?

Foxxy: Let me see here... Toot! You ain't doin' nothin'! Why don't you go do something with Wooldoor this afternoon?

Toot: (irritated) What? How come I'm the one that gets stuck babysitting him?

Wooldoor: Awwww, come on, Toot! We can go have fun and be best friends!

Toot: (sighs) Well... all right.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! This is going to be fun!

Toot: I suppose we can go get ice cream or something.

Wooldoor: I have a better idea! Come on!

Wooldoor grabs Toot and takes off with her so quickly that the flip-flops fly off her feet.

Toot: Wooldoor, where are we going?

Wooldoor: You'll see!

Wooldoor continues running, dragging Toot behind him.

Xandir (in confessional): I went home with my new boyfriend- apparently he has a place in town. I was excited to be seeing someone new. My only worry was how I was going to break the news to Felipe. Or to Alfredo. Or to Manuel. Or to Fernando. Or to the Genie. Or to that guy I gave a handy to in the alley that one time. Or to the Backstreet Boys. Or to... well, you get the idea.

Cut to a luxurious hotel suite. Xandir enters with his new boyfriend.

Xandir: Wow... this place is incredible! (He begins looking around.)

Man: Yes, I do have an appreciation for the finer things in life.

Xandir: (looking at a corner of the room) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! That is the largest cat bowl I have ever seen!

Man: Yes, that belongs to our cat Blumkin.

Xandir: Oh, what a cute name for him! Wait a minute... "our"? Does someone live here with you?

Just at that moment, we hear a voice coming from the other room.

Second man: Siegfried? Siegfried, is that you?

Siegfried: Yes, Roy. I've returned from shopping.

Roy enters.

Roy: Did you buy the XR7000 like we saw in that catalog? (He sees Xandir.) Oh. I see you found a toy of a different kind!

Siegfried: This is Xandir. Xandir, meet my partner, Roy.

Xandir: (He becomes sad.) Partner? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had a partner.

Siegfried: Do not be silly. Roy is my partner only in a professional sense. We are not... how you say... lovers. (Xandir is relieved. Roy, however, is incensed.)

Roy: Siegfried! How dare you!

Siegfried: (to Xandir) Do not listen to him. It is... how you say... that time of the month. (Xandir nods.)

Roy: First you bring this boy toy home and parade him around right in front of me, then you deny our true nature? Siegfried, you are horrible!

Siegfried: We always said this was an open relationship, Roy. And besides, officially we are not even gay! (Roy looks at Siegfried with venom in his eyes.)

Xandir: Oh, my!

Clara (in confessional): I was more upset about the whole thing than anyone. Not only does MY subplot not get any screen time, but those damn writers have the nerve to let Xandir use MY catchphrase!

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut to the strip club. Foxxy, Hero, and Spanky enter and sit down.

Hero: This was a great idea, Spanky, going to a strip show!

Spanky: Yeah! I just hope we picked the right one. I mean, with all the strip clubs they have in this town, you've got to be careful to get one that doesn't suck!

Hero: But how do you know whether a strip club is good or not?

Foxxy: I know how to tell.

She gets up and walks over to the stage, which for the moment is empty. She gets up on the stage and walks over to the stripper pole. She examines it for a moment. She then takes a finger and slides it down the pole. She looks at her finger, then puts it in her mouth. After a moment, she takes her finger out.

Foxxy: This one's reallllll good, y'all!

She walks back over and sits down. Hero and Spanky are extremely excited. The lights dim. Loud rock music begins playing. The guys begin getting into it, hooting and hollering. A voice comes on the intercom.

DJ: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we give you our star performer... Let's give it up for... Miss Hambone!

The guys are begin cheering wildly. From behind we see a closeup of the stripper's costume. She comes out and begins dancing on stage. The guys begin cheering even louder. Hero begins moving in his seat as if he is dancing. Foxxy sits calmly enjoying the show.

Hero: Dude... she is hot! (to Foxxy) I'm definitely filing this one in the spank bank!

Foxxy: Just remember... I'm the only one allowed to make withdrawals at that bank! (Hero nods.)

The show continues. Hero becomes progressively more obvious in his enjoyment of the show. Spanky is enjoying the show quite a bit himself. Miss Hambone dances closer to the three. Suddenly, the smile leaves Spanky's face. He becomes horrified.

Spanky: Oh, my God! (He stares blankly for a moment, then his jaw drops open.) MOM???

The camera shows a clear shot of Miss Hambone. We see that she is a pig about the same size and animation style as Spanky, only a bit older.

Mrs. Ham: (continuing to dance) Hi, son!

Spanky: Oh, my God! I don't believe this! Mom, what the hell are you doing here?

Mrs. Ham: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm shaking what God gave me!

Spanky: God didn't give you that stuff, Mom. Some 21-year-old amateur Flash cartoonist did!

Hero: (to Spanky) Dude! Your mom is hot!

Spanky: Look, I was okay when it was just porno, but this- this has gotta stop!

Mrs. Ham: Everyone's got to make a living, son. How do you think I paid for your special ed license?

Spanky: You mean it wasn't selling cookies at the Sunday School picnic?

Mrs. Ham: Oh, it was! Just a different kind of cookies! (Spanky is aghast.)

Spanky: All right, Mom, that's it. I'm taking you out of this place right now!

From below the stage, Spanky tries to grab his mother and drag her off the stage. As soon as he does so, a very large man immediately appears next to him and grabs him.

Bouncer: Hey, buddy, what's the big idea?

Spanky: I'm just trying to get this woman-

Bouncer: Oh, I see! Messing with the girls, eh? I think it's time for you to go! (He begins ushering Spanky out.)

Spanky: Wait! You don't understand!

Cut to a shot of the alley behind the club. As we hear Spanky scream, a door flies open and Spanky comes flying out of it with the assistance of the bouncer's foot. He lands on his ass as the door closes firmly behind him. Spanky immediately gets up and runs to the door and begins banging on it loudly. The scene cuts back to inside the club. Mrs. Ham is still dancing. However, she stops after a moment. A worried look crosses her face. Finally, she turns around and runs off the stage. Everyone in the audience is dumbfounded. After a moment, the lights come on. The music stops. Hero and Foxxy look at each other.

Hero: I wonder what that was about.

Foxxy: Maybe Spanky managed to get through to his mom after all. I guess it's easy to just think of strippers as objects. But they's real people... with families.

Man behind Hero: We don't care! We want a strip show!

Second man: Yeah, me too!

All the men in the crowd begin complaining loudly about the lack of a stripper. Foxxy and Hero look at each other.

Hero: Seems like they want entertainment.

Foxxy: I guess they do. Well, okay, then!

Foxxy hops up on the stage. The lights go down again and the music starts back up. Still in her vacation outfit, Foxxy begins dancing. The men begin hooting and hollering again. Hero, extremely excited, rushes down to the very front of the stage. Foxxy starts rubbing up and down the pole. After a moment, she takes her T-shirt off and flings it into the crowd. She then kicks her flip-flops into the crowd as well and continues dancing on stage. The scene cuts to Hero.

Hero: (to the men around him, proudly) I'm dating her! (As the men look at Hero in awe, we see a black G-string fly toward him. He catches it. He then gets an idea. He turns back around to the men.) And I'm banging her, too! (He pauses for a moment, then pulls out the fake penis.) With this! (The men look at Hero and nod, then turn their attention back to Foxxy.)

Cut to Wooldoor running frantically down the street pulling Toot by the arm. She struggles to keep up.

Toot: Wooldoor, slow down! Why are we in such a goddamn hurry?

Wooldoor: The slower it takes us to get there, the longer we'll have to wait in line!

Toot: Wait in line for what?

Suddenly Wooldoor stops. He gestures in front of the two of them.

Toot: Oh, goddammit!

The camera pulls out to reveal that Wooldoor and Toot are standing in front of a small churchlike building. A large sign on the front reads "House of Elvis", with the words "Wedding Chapel" written in small letters underneath it. From the outside we can see stained glass windows in the design of records. A sign next to one of the windows reads "Don't be lonesome tonight!" At the top, near the steeple is a large crucifix, except with Elvis on the cross instead of Jesus.

Toot: Thank God Clara's not in this story!

Wooldoor: I saw a brochure for this place in the hotel lobby and thought it would be cool to visit! Come on, Toot, you like Elvis, right?

Toot: Yeah. Well, late period Elvis.

Wooldoor: Let's go inside!

Toot: I guess so.

The two of them go inside. Toot looks around and immediately becomes stricken with awe. The inside of the chapel is just like a typical church, except instead of Christian symbols, it has pictures of Elvis. The pulpit is shaped like a guitar.

Toot: Wow!

Wooldoor: It's beautiful!

Toot: And it's not sacrilegious at all!

The camera pulls out to a wide shot of Toot and Wooldoor looking around in awe. A small graphic appears on the screen reading, "Continuity error alert". A small arrow then appears pointing to Toot's flip-flop-clad feet. A graphic appears reading, "Remember how Toot lost her shoes a couple of scenes ago? Well, here they are right back on her feet! God, I wish our animators would pay more attention!"

Toot: So what do we do here? Sit back and have a good laugh at how tasteless this thing is and wonder how this city's founders can sleep at night?

Wooldoor: No... this! (He grabs Toot and whisks her up to the pulpit. An Elvis impersonator dressed in a sequined gold-laced priest's robe stands in front of them.) We'd like to get married, please!

Toot: (shocked) Wooldoor? Are you nuts?

Elvis: That'll be five dollars, please. Thank you very much. (Wooldoor hands the man five dollars. He takes it, and shaking his pelvis, puts the money in his pants.) Thank you, little buddy. Now what are your names?

Wooldoor: Wooldoor Sockbat and Toot... um... (He tries to think.)

Toot: Oh, for God's sake, Wooldoor! My last name is Braunstein! How long have we been living together now, five, six years?

Wooldoor: Oh, like YOU know everybody's last name!

Toot: I do!

Wooldoor: Okay, then- what's Clara's?

Toot: Ling.

Wooldoor: What was it before she got married?

Toot: (A confused look crosses her face. She thinks for several moments, desperately trying to come up with the answer.) Uh... Princess? (Her expression suddenly changes.) You know what? It doesn't matter.

Wooldoor: You're right, Toot! All that matters is the brand new life we're starting with each other!

Toot: That's right! I mean- no! Wooldoor, this is insane!

Elvis: Do you, Wooldoor Sockbat, promise to take Toot for your hunka hunka burning love, wear her ring around your neck, and not be cruel, even if she's a hard-headed woman with a suspicious mind?

Wooldoor: I do!

Elvis: And do you, Toot Braunstein, promise to take Wooldoor, love him tender, let him be your teddy bear, and not return him to sender, even if you end up in the ghetto cause he's the devil in disguise? It's now or never, you know!

Toot: (confused) What?

Elvis: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. Thank you very much. (A rockabilly version of the Wedding March begins to play. Elvis turns around and dances toward the back of the chapel. As he walks through the door, a voice comes over the loudspeaker.)

Voice: Ladies and gentlemen... Elvis has left the building!

Toot and Wooldoor are still standing in front of the pulpit. Toot is staring, still trying to take in what just happened. Wooldoor is crying. After a moment, Toot sighs and looks at him.

Toot: Oh, what are you crying about?

Wooldoor: Oh, nothing. I guess... I guess I'm just all shook up! (imitating Elvis) Thank you... thank you very much!

Toot: Oh, my God... this did not just happen! I can't believe I just got married in Vegas! And I wasn't even drunk! (She turns away, almost on the verge of tears. Wooldoor walks over to her and puts his arm around her to comfort her.)

Wooldoor: There, there. That's all right, mama. You don't have to start crying in the chapel. Some of us just can't help falling in love, you know!

Toot: (grabbing Wooldoor by the collar) I swear to God, Wooldoor, if you mention one more Elvis song, I'll kill you where you stand!

Wooldoor: You probably wouldn't want to do that. If you kill me, they'll send you to the county jail! And contary to popular belief, the wardens DON'T throw any parties there!

Toot throws Wooldoor to the ground in frustration. On the verge of tears again, she looks over to the corner and sees a cross. She solemnly walks over to the cross and kneels in front of it. She bows her head.

Toot: Jesus? Look, I know I'm not a Christian, but Clara says you're a real good guy, so I guess it can't hurt to talk to you. I feel really bad about what just happened, and I- (She breaks off and begins to sob.) I- (She continues sobbing and looks up. She sees that it is not Jesus on the cross she is praying to, but Elvis. She quits crying and becomes angry.) Oh, I can't pray to THAT thing! (Now very frustrated, she gets up. She runs out of the chapel crying.)

Wooldoor: Toot! Where are you going? (By now, Elvis has reappeared and is waiting to marry the next couple. The man and woman look at Wooldoor in confusion.) Thanks for your concern. But it's okay. They say the first year of any marriage is always the hardest!

Cut to the alley behind the strip club. Spanky sits on a garbage can fuming. Xandir walks by whistling. Spanky looks up startled.

Spanky: Xandir? (Xandir stops and turns around.)

Xandir: Spanky? What are you doing here?

Spanky: I got thrown out of the strip club for trying to grab my mom. What about you? Giving another handy to some random stranger?

Xandir: Um... (laughing nervously) Of course not!

Spanky: So how come you're not out with your new boyfriend?

Xandir: Spanky! I can't spend 24 hours a day with him!

Spanky: You just met him two hours ago!

Xandir: We're giving each other our space, okay? But it's okay, we'll be meeting up again tonight. Oh! And look what he gave me! (He holds up some tickets. Spanky takes the tickets and looks at them.) Apparently he and his partner have an entertainment act of some kind, so he gave us all free tickets to go see them!

Spanky: (looking at the tickets) Oh, my God... I *knew* that guy looked familiar! Xandir, do you have any idea who you're dating?

Xandir: Um, I think he said his name was Siegfried or something.

Spanky: Yeah! You're dating Siegfried! From Siegfried and Roy! You know, the magicians?

Xandir: Oh, they're magicians? That sounds fun! Hmm... I wonder if I could get Siegfried to pull a rabbit out of my-

Spanky: Hold on a minute. Xandir, how can you- a man so gay he makes Liberace look butch- have never heard of Siegfried and Roy? That would be like me never having heard of Jenna Jameson... or Toot never having heard of Emeril Lagasse... or Clara never having heard of Jesse Helms!

Xandir: Oh, Jesse Helms... I've seen photographs of that guy! He's not so cute.

Spanky: Hang on, I thought Siegfried and Roy were supposed to be pretty tight. You sure it's a good idea to be coming in between them?

Xandir: (becomes intrigued) Coming in between them, you say?

Spanky: (sighs in frustration) You know what, Xandir? Just do what you gotta do. I don't really care. All I ask is that you spare us all the gay details!

Xandir: Yeah, um, I don't really understand what you're trying to say-

Spanky: That's par for the course.

Xandir: But, um... I've got other things to worry about right now, so, um, I'm gonna take off, okay?

Spanky: Got another handy lined up?

Xandir: No! Not until later! Anyway, I'm off to see Siegfried again! Tra la! (Dancing happily, he skips off.)

Spanky: Can't believe it took that man 19 years to realize he was gay! (Suddenly, Spanky hears a noise behind him. It is the sound of a door opening. He turns around to see Mrs. Ham walking through the door into the alley.)

Mrs. Ham: Hello, Spanky.

Spanky: Hi, Mom. So what are you doing out here? Come to put on a private strip show for the hobos?

Mrs. Ham: Spanky, I think you owe me an apology for the way you behaved in there!

Spanky: Mom, how was I supposed to behave? No one who goes to a strip show expects to see their MOM dancing around the pole! Except maybe Sean P. and Jayden Spears!

Cut to the island native on his drum kit playing a sting.

Spanky: Look, Mom, I know when I was young, and Dad was always away on business trips, you were bored stiff being a housewife, so you decided to have some fun and make a little money by being a part time whore! But the next thing I know, I'm seeing dirty photos of you in porn magazines! And now I come to Vegas and you're taking it off right on stage!

Mrs. Ham: You're not really in a position to criticize me, Spanky. You're the one BUYING those porn magazines and buying tickets to the strip shows!

Spanky: Well, Mom, that's different!

Mrs. Ham: How is it different? Why is it okay for perfect strangers to take their clothes off in public, but not your mom? (Spanky groans in frustration.)

Spanky (in confessional): My blood ran cold. My memory had just been sold. My mama was the centerfold!

Wooldoor (entering, singing): Mama is the centerfold! (He begins dancing)

Spanky (in confessional): (flatly) Thank you, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor (in confessional): Don't mention it!

Spanky: Okay, Mom, maybe you have a point. Maybe this does make me a hypocrite. But I can't help it! You're my mom! (He walks over to her and puts his hands on her arms.) I just don't like seeing you degraded like this.

Mrs. Ham: (brushing him away) What am I supposed to do, Spanky? I have to make a living somehow! And this is all I know! It's what I'm good at! And more importantly... I really enjoy it. (Spanky looks at her and shakes his head.)

Spanky (in confessional): I had to make my mom more respectable somehow. But I could see I'd never be able to do that myself. So I decided to turn to the one person I knew who could suck the sleaze out of ANYTHING!

Cut to the Jesus Museum gift shop. As Ling-Ling looks at a row of Jesus action figures and assumes a mock battle stance against them, we see Spanky talking to Clara.

Spanky: Come on, Clara, you've gotta help me here! My mom needs you!

Clara: But, Spanky, what can *I* do? Every time I try to make people stop sinning, it just backfires and I end up looking like a total bitch!

Spanky: You don't have to go into crusader mode or Evil Clara mode or anything! Just, you know- hang out with her for a while, teach her about love and Jesus, or whatever it is you Christians got going on, and show her you don't have to take your clothes off to make people like you!

In the background, we see Ling-Ling gesturing threateningly to a Jesus plush doll about the same size as him. He yells as if to challenge it to battle.

Clara: (emotionally touched) Oh, my God. She really does that? She takes her clothes off to make people like her?

Spanky: Well, no... she does it to make money.

Clara: Than I can't reach her. She's obviously a committed whore!

Spanky: Just try, okay? I promise, if you do this for me, I'll quit scheming to see you naked!

Clara: For how long?

Spanky: Two weeks!

Clara: Well... okay.

Spanky: Oh, thank you, Clara! Thank you!

Clara: Wow. Wait till I tell my friends I spent my vacation in Vegas hanging around with a stripper! (She sighs.) Oh, well. Better a stripper than a whore, I suppose. (Spanky is suddenly shocked.)

Spanky: Now hold on just a minute there, Clara! I have to disagree with you on that! Being a stripper is MUCH worse than being a whore!

Clara: How can you say that, Spanky?

Spanky: Whores provide a necessary service. Strippers... they just TEASE!

Clara: I see your point.

At that moment, we hear a commotion behind the two of them. Spanky and Clara turn and look. Their expressions are a mixture of confusion and disbelief.

Spanky: What the crap?

Clara: Oh, my!

We see Ling-Ling rising in the air. The background behind him changes to rapidly flashing colors. His battle song begins to play. Ling-Ling lets out a mighty shout as he dives toward the Jesus plush doll. However, Clara grabs him out of the air before he can make contact with it. The colors and music both stop.

Clara: Ling-Ling, no! How can you attack Jesus like that?

Ling-Ling: That not Jesus! That impostor!

Clara: I know it's not Jesus himself, but it's a representation of Jesus! Attacking it would be just as bad as attacking Jesus himself! (She grabs the doll.) Here, I'll take this away so you won't be tempted to commit any more acts of blasphemy against it! (She takes the doll to the man at the gift shop cash register.) Here, can you keep this somewhere out of harm's way? My husband keeps trying to attack it!

Clerk: (taking the doll) Oh, you found it! Thanks! I was actually looking for this earlier, but I wasn't sure where we were displaying it! Turns out there was a mixup at the factory, and a bunch of John Lennon dolls were mislabelled as Jesus dolls! Thanks for finding it for us so we can send it back! (Somewhat embarrassed, Clara turns back around to Ling-Ling, who is positively gloating.)

Clara: I... I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. I guess you really WEREN'T being blasphemous. Can you ever forgive me?

Ling-Ling: (still gloating somewhat, but being gracious) Eh... Ling-Ling guess so.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Spanky smacks Ling-Ling with a rolled up newspaper. Ling-Ling reacts with surprise.

Spanky: Ling-Ling, what the hell are you doing attacking John Lennon like that? You ought to be ashamed!

Ling-Ling looks at Spanky, his expression asking, "What did I do?". Clara smiles and shrugs.

Foxxy (in confessional): So anyway, I finished my strip show and made enough money to replenish the entire vacation budget! Then somehow Xandir showed up on stage already naked, and he made even more money than I did by putting his clothes back on! After that, we left the strip club and went back to the hotel for a while, where we met up with the others.

Cut to the hotel lobby. Hero is talking to the front desk clerk, the same woman from the previous episode.

Clerk: Sir, I honestly wouldn't have any idea!

Hero: Come on! I'm telling you, it's the same! I'll prove it to you!

Clerk: Really, sir, I'm not interested!

Hero: Seriously, they're the exact same! (He pulls out a boom box and sets it down on the counter.) Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" is the exact same song as Buddy Holly's rockabilly classic "Not Fade Away", just slowed down a bit!

Clerk: I'm not a music expert, sir, I honestly wouldn't know.

Hero: Fine, then. (He pulls out the fake penis and holds it up.) In that case, do you think the penis I'm holding in my hand is the same as this fake penis here? (The camera pulls out to reveal that Hero is pantsless again. The woman looks over the counter at him with a slight sense of wonder in her eye.)

Clerk: Wow... it's uncanny! (Hero beams. She looks back up at him with a more serious expression.) Can I have the name of the shop where you got that?

Cut to another part of the lobby. All of the housemates except Clara are standing around.

Toot: (still very upset) Okay, Wooldoor, you've had your fun. Now can we PLEASE get an annulment?

Wooldoor: I don't want to!

Toot: Wooldoor, I can't stay married to you! I'm with Marty, remember?

Wooldoor: It's okay if you cheat on me. I learned early in our relationship that you're a wild flower I could never tame.

Toot: Wooldoor, I don't want to cheat on you.

Wooldoor: Then you DO love me! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh, we're going to grow old together, and have lots of strange-looking but charismatic kids-

Toot: Wooldoor, shut the hell up or I'll smack you right now!

Wooldoor: (sadly) It's not easy being married to a spousal abuser. Except when it's BDSM night! But I love you so much, Toot, that I can forgive you! (Toot turns around, and burying her face in her hands, lets out a cry of frustration.) What's the big deal, Toot? It's not like we're really married? We're only pretend married!

Toot: (turning back to Wooldoor) No, Wooldoor. We are REALLY married. That wedding was tacky as hell, but it was a REAL wedding! (She walks over to a chair and collapses into it, crying. The others walk over to her.)

Foxxy: Toot... are you going to be okay?

Toot: I don't know, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Don't worry, Toot, we'll get you out of this... even if I have to drag Wooldoor down to that courthouse by his tiny but very elastic little peepee!

Toot: Even if you did... I'm not sure it would really matter!

Xandir: Why not?

Toot: I always had this dream of my wedding day... it was going to be the most beautiful day ever! We would get married in the most beautiful Japanese garden, with flowers everywhere, and a cake even taller than I am! And I come out looking absolutely ravishing in my perfect white wedding dress-

Toot (in confessional): (angry) Yes, you bastards, I'm still wearing white!

Toot: And I take my future husband's hand... and we pledge to love each other forever and ever... it's the most beatiful day ever! (Still sobbing, she pauses for a moment. She then quickly stops crying and reverts to her usual personality.) And then we go rip one off behind the azalea bush! (Everyone else is now crying.)

Xandir: You're right, Toot. That does sound beautiful!

Toot: (now somber again) It is. (She pauses, then gets out of the chair and becomes angry. She points to Wooldoor.) But INSTEAD... I get a cheap tacky Vegas wedding with someone I feel NOTHING for! (quickly shifting tone) No offense, Wooldoor!

Foxxy: So what's the big deal, Toot? You can still have that!

Toot: (She sits back down in the chair.) I could... but it wouldn't be the same. (She buries her face in her hands and begins sobbing profusely.) I'm tainted now!

Spanky: Tainted? What do you mean tainted?

Toot: I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to get married once and that would be it! That person would be the love of my life! Now, even if that does happen to me, I know that every time I look in his eyes, I'll know that he was my second. I don't want him to be my second! I want him to be my only one EVER!

Spanky: Wait a minute. He'd be your second husband ANYWAY. Don't you remember, you married Ling-Ling's father that one time?

Toot: Oh, yeah... I forgot about that episode.

Foxxy: (walks over to the chair and kneels in front of it) Toot, look. That's a beautiful dream you have there. Really, it is. But getting married isn’t a relationship. It’s just a legal commitment. A relationship is when you have a real emotional connection with somebody.

Foxxy (in confessional): Now where have I heard that before...?

Foxxy: Okay, so maybe your future love of your life will technically be husband number three, but that won't matter! What matters is that you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together making each other as happy as possible. That's what love is. It ain't some signatures on a piece of paper!

Toot: (her tears beginning to dry) I guess you're right, Foxxy. (Gaining strength, she gets out of the chair.) It doesn't matter if I've been married before! All that matters is how I feel about the person I'm with now! And I love Marty more than anything!

Foxxy: That's right! So all you've got to do is get out of this marriage to Wooldoor, and you and Marty can get started on the road to a lifetime of happiness together!

Toot: (to Wooldoor, clasping her hands together) So what do you say, Wooldoor? Can we go get that annulment now?

Wooldoor: Well... (thinks for a moment)... no!

Toot: Goddammit!

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 3

Clara walks in with Mrs. Ham.

Clara: Hey, everyone! I've brought a friend home!

Mrs. Ham: Hi.

Hero: (giddy) Oh, wow! It's Miss Hambone! Oh, my God, I've never met a real live celebrity before? (to Mrs. Ham) Can I have your autograph?

Mrs. Ham: Sure. What would you like for me to sign?

Hero: Hmmm... how about...

Clara: (looking down, frustrated) Oh, God, Hero, please don't do it!

Hero: This! (He hands Mrs. Ham the fake penis and a pen. She takes it and signs it and hands it back to him along with the pen.) Oh, you have totally made my day!

Mrs. Ham: Don't mention it.

Hero: While we're on the subject, could you sign my other one, too, so I can have a matching set? (He hands Mrs. Ham the pen again and drops his pants.)

Clara: Hero! What the hell are you doing? I'm trying to make this woman respectable and here you go asking her to autograph both your penises!

Mrs. Ham: It's okay, Clara, I'm used to it.

Spanky: But that's the point, Mom! We're trying to get you UNused to it! Geez, Mom! You've just spent the entire day with Princess Clara! Hasn't any of her prudishness rubbed off on you?

Mrs. Ham: No.

Spanky: Well, then... has any of your whorishness rubbed off on HER?

Clara: No!

Spanky: Damn! I'm 0 for 2!

Xandir: Like, oh my God oh my God oh my God! I'm like, so excited right now! I'm going to get to see a real magic show! Like, with my new boyfriend!

Foxxy: Xandir, is that true? Is you really dating Siegfried?

Xandir: Yeah!

Foxxy: Siegfried Fischbacher? The guy from Siegfried and Roy?

Xandir: I guess.

Spanky: Wait a minute! THAT'S his last name? Fischbacher? (He begins laughing hysterically.) Oh, this is too good! Xandir, if you marry this guy, you know what your last name would be? (He is still laughing.) You'd be Xandir P. Fischbacher! (He laughs again.) Fischbacher! Sounds like Fishlicker! Haha! Xandir P. Fishlicker!

Xandir: That's not funny, Spanky.

Spanky: I'm sorry. Did you say something, Fishlicker?

Xandir: I only did it that one time! Why do you keep bringing it up?

Spanky: (to Foxxy) What's Roy's last name?

Foxxy: Horn.

Spanky: Horn... Horny! Roy Horny and Siegfried Fishlicker! Oh, you can tell they're gay just because of those names alone!

Xandir: The show's about ready to start. Are we going or not?

Spanky: Yeah, we wouldn't want to be too late or the fish will be too stinky to lick! (By now, Spanky is literally rolling on the floor. Xandir stares at him, mildly put out. The scene fades.)

Wooldoor (in confessional): I was excited we were going to get to see a real live magic show! I just hoped it would be better than the last magic show I attended!

Cut to a children's birthday party. A bunch of kids, including Wooldoor, are gathered around a table watching a magician perform tricks.

Magician: And now for my next trick- (He looks around for a moment, then points to Wooldoor.) You! Would you like to help me perform a magic trick?

Wooldoor: (extremely excited) Would I! Oh, boy! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Magician: Wooldoor, I am going to pull a quarter out of your ear! (He gestures his hands around Wooldoor's ear without touching him.) Alakazoo... alakazam... and... POOF! (He stops gesturing and holds his hands straight out in front of Wooldoor's face. He then puts his hand over Wooldoor's ear and pulls out a small object and holds it out in front of him.)

Wooldoor: Wow!

Magician: There you go, Wooldoor! There's your quarter! (He hands the object to Wooldoor.)

Wooldoor: (looking at the object, thoroughly impressed) Wow! (Suddenly his expression changes as he continues to look at the object.) Wait a minute. This isn't a quarter! This looks more like... (Suddenly he becomes horrified. He puts his hand to his ear and begins screaming.) Oh, my God! This is my eardrum! (Still holding his ear, he grabs the magician by the collar with his other hand.) YOU RIPPED OUT MY F****** EARDRUM!!!

Magician: (embarrassed) Oops. Sorry!

Wooldoor (in confessional): Fortunately, they were able to reattach it with no permanent damage to my hearing!

Toot (banging on confessional door): Hey, Wooldoor, are you about done in there? I need to use the confessional!

Wooldoor (in confessional): What? (He cups his hand to his ear.) Did someone say something?

Cut back to the present. The housemates are taking their seats at the magic show. Left to right, they sit in the order of Hero, Foxxy, Spanky, Spanky's mother, Clara and Ling-Ling, Toot, Wooldoor, and Xandir.

Spanky: Now pay attention to this show, everyone, this is a one of a kind occasion. Tonight you'll be seeing the only two people on earth gayer than Xandir!

Wooldoor: Wow!

Toot: (to Clara) Clara, can we switch seats? I don't think I want to sit next to Wooldoor tonight.

Clara: Because of what happened between you earlier? Foxxy told how upset you were. I'm really sorry to hear about it.

Wooldoor: I bet you Clara would stay married to me!

Clara: That's right, Wooldoor. We Catholics believe that marriage is until death do us part!

Wooldoor: There you go!

Toot: (suddenly intrigued) Oh! So you're saying I need to KILL Wooldoor! (Wooldoor suddenly stops smiling.)

Wooldoor: I'm gonna shut up now.

Toot: Good idea!

Spanky: (to his mom) Now, Mom, if you want to be an entertainer, why don't you do something like Siegfried and Roy do? You'd be loved and respected, and best of all, you get to work with animals!

Mrs. Ham: Spanky, I'm a walking slab of sausage. I really don't think I should be hanging around with carnivorous beasts!

Spanky: Well, if you stick with stripping, you're gonna be treated like a piece of meat ANYWAY!

Mrs. Ham: (to Foxxy) You've done some strip shows, Foxxy. What do you tell people to get them to stop complaining about what profession you're in?

Foxxy: To be honest, Mrs. Ham, the Foxxy ain't never met NOBODY who's upset about HER taking off her clothes!

The lights go down.

Spanky: (to his mom) You see that, Mom? They just turned the lights off. You think you'll be able to resist the urge to get up on stage and start dancing around a pole? (Mrs. Ham gives an indignant look.)

Hero: Quiet, everyone! The show is starting!

The focus goes to the stage as the show begins. Lots of bright flashing lights stream across the stage. After some pyrotechnics, a scantily clad woman brings out a large white tiger.

Wooldoor: Awwww! Look at the sweet kitty!

Suddenly, the tiger begins convulsing. The woman looks at him with worry.

Clara: What's that tiger doing?

Toot: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was about to throw up!

The tiger continues retching for a moment, then finally expels a large pile of goo onto the stage. We can sense everyone in the audience becoming grossed out.

Toot: Ewwwwwwwwww!

Clara: Who does that tiger think he is? George Bush, Sr. at a Japanese summit meeting?

Clara (in confessional): So what if that incident happened 15 years ago? People still remember it, right? God, don't ANY of you know your American history?

The tiger shakes his head as if to rid his face of any gunk on it. The woman looks down at the pile with concern. Suddenly we see the pile beginning to move. The audience looks at the stage with intrigue and confusion.

Foxxy: Oh, my God! Is that vomit MOVING?

The pile of vomit begins to rise. The entire audience is in awe. The pile expands in size as it continues to rise. Finally, a beam of stars encircles the pile. The pile then takes the shape of Siegfried and Roy. Once the two materialize, the audience cheers wildly.

Wooldoor: Wow!

Spanky: What an entrance!

Clara: So THAT'S how homosexuals are created!

Siegfried: Thank you! Thank you, everyone!

Roy: Now, then! For our first trick, we'll need a volunteer! (Hero immediately leaps up.)

Hero: Ooh! Me! Me! Pick me!

Roy: (pointing to Hero) You, sir! Come up on stage!

Hero: Yay! Goodie! (Hero giddily runs up on stage.) Oh, my God, this is so awesome!

Roy: (shakes Hero's hand) Good evening.

Siegfried: (shakes Hero's hand) Nice to meet you, sir.

Hero: You two are so awesome!

Cut back to the housemates watching the show.

Toot: Wow. Hero's sure milking his time in the spotlight, isn't he?

Spanky: Yeah. Are they going to do a trick, or are they just going to stand there talking all night?

Foxxy: Oh, Spanky, give Captain Hero a break. He's just starstruck, that's all!

The shot then changes to a view of the stage from the audience's POV. We see Hero still talking to Siegfried and Roy, but do not hear them.

Toot: What the hell are those morons doing up there?

Clara: Uh oh. I've got a bad feeling about this!

The show changes to the stage again. We see Hero and the two magicians talking more intensely now. The magicians are shaking their heads. Finally, it happens. Hero takes out the fake penis and shows it to Roy. Then without even blinking, he drops his pants. Siegfried becomes angry and motions for Hero to get off the stage. Hero refuses to leave. Finally, Roy grabs hold of Hero and forcibly ejects him into the crowd. We see the two making very vivid, expressive gestures of disgust. The shot changes back to the housemates.

Foxxy: Goddammit, Hero, just let it go!

We see a battered and bruised Hero crawling back to his seat. He sits back down beside Foxxy, who shakes her head in disapproval.

Roy: Everyone, we apologize for that minor technical error. May we please have another volunteer?

Siegfried: I know! How about that young man right there! (He points to Xandir, who acts extremely surprised.)

Roy: I don't think we should choose that person, Siegfried.

Siegfried: Nonsense, Roy! He'll be perfect. (points to Xandir) You! Come on up!

Xandir gets up from his seat and runs up on stage, all the while giggling like a schoolgirl.

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! I can't believe you picked me!

Roy: Neither can I. Siegfried, how can you be so brazen?

Siegfried: Hush, Roy! (He turns to Xandir.) You will be the star of our disappearing cabinet trick! Come with me, Xandir, I will prepare the trick!

As Siegfried leads Xandir away, Roy seethes. After a moment, he composes himself and walks over to the tiger. He kneels down and begins petting it.

Roy: Good Blumkin. Good kitty. (He looks around for a moment, then whispers in the tiger's ear.) Do you remember what we practiced?

Siegfried brings a large cabinet on stage. He opens it.

Siegfried: Now, Xandir, go inside the closet.

Spanky: Wow! So once you're out, you really CAN go back in!

Xandir walks into the cabinet. Siegfried closes the door. He and Roy perform an elaborate sequence of moves and gestures. Finally, Roy opens the door. The cabinet is empty.

Roy: Voila! He's gone! (Siegfried closes the cabinet.)

Siegfried: And now... we bring him back!

Toot: (calling out from the audience) You really don't have to do that, you know!

Siegfried and Roy proceed to launch into an even more elaborate routine. While they are carrying it out, the scene shifts back to the housemates once again.

Wooldoor: (to Toot) Hey, Toot! I just got a whole bunch of ideas for neat stuff we can do on our wedding night!

Toot: I thought you were going to shut up for a while.

Wooldoor: I changed my mind! So anyway, I've got Captain Hero's penis that I bought in the sex shop, so I thought when we get back to the hotel room, we could break it in!

Toot: That's it! (She gets out her cell phone.) I'm calling Marty right now and telling him to come down here and get me out of this!

Wooldoor: (grabs Toot's arm threateningly) I really wouldn't do that if I were you!

Toot: You can't stop me, Wooldoor. I'm calling Marty and telling him the whole thing!

She flips open the phone and begins to dial. A look of determination develops in Wooldoor's eyes. He grabs the cell phone out of Toot's hand and flings it across the room. She looks at him, astonished.

Wooldoor: I'm not letting you take this away from me, Toot!

Toot: I'm not staying married to you, Wooldoor! (She turns to Clara.) Clara, can I borrow your cell phone?

Wooldoot: Toot, don't you think you're taking things a bit too far? I keep telling you, we're only pretend married!

Toot: Wooldoor, that wasn't some little skit we put on. You dragged me to an ACTUAL wedding chapel. We were pronounced married by an ACTUAL minister! Now maybe we didn't technically mean what we said, but legally, it was REAL! We are REALLY married!

Wooldoor: No, we aren't! We're pretend married!

Toot: (extremely frustrated) Wooldoor...

Wooldoor: No, seriously! We are! Look at this! (He pulls out a brochure and hands it to her.) This is the brochure I found!

We see a view of the brochure from over Toot's shoulder. Toot opens the brochure up. On the inside, we see the words, "House of Elvis- come on down". Written underneath it, we see in very large letters the words, "and GET PRETEND MARRIED!"

Toot: (reading) "Come on down to our fake wedding chapel and get pretend married by a real fake man of the cloth!" (She puts the brochure down angrily.) Wooldoor, why the hell didn't you tell me about this?

Wooldoor: I did!

Toot: (yelling) I mean before we got married, douchebag!

Wooldoor: (now yelling himself) Well, maybe it was the only way I could get you to the altar, you frigid whore!

Clara: Would you two stop yelling? You're setting a very bad example for Mrs. Ham!

Mrs. Ham: I can take care of myself, Clara, you don't have to intervene on my behalf.

Clara: I just happen to think it's rude, that's all!

Mrs. Ham: Well, you know what else is rude? Trying to change someone's personality because it doesn't fit your image of what a person should be!

Toot: Well, you know what ELSE is rude? Stepping on someone's argument with your own argument!

Wooldoor: Yeah! We were arguing first!

Hero: Oh, would you guys all knock it off? I'm trying to enjoy the show!

Foxxy: If you were so intent on enjoying the show, how come instead of doing what you's told, you get on stage and whip your penis out and show it to the entire crowd?

Wooldoor: Don't you dare make fun of Captain Hero's penis, Foxxy!

Toot: Wooldoor, I don't know why you wanted to marry me so much when you're obviously gay!

Wooldoor: I am not gay!

Spanky: That sounds almost as convincing as when Captain Hero says it!

Hero: Hey, I'm not gay either! If anyone around here is gay, it's you, Spanky!

Clara: Oh, for God's sake! You're ALL gay! Why God hasn't struck you down yet, I don't know!

Toot: Oh, like youuuuuuuu're so pure! Hey, Clara- made out in any hot tubs lately?

Clara: Toot, that did not make me gay and you know it!

Toot: Well, it sure as hell didn't make you straight!

Clara: I refuse to discuss this anymore!

Spanky: Oh, that's your solution to anything that doesn't go your way, Clara! You stop arguing and act like you're above it all!

Clara: Oh, what are you going to do, Spanky, give a moving speech to make everyone realize the error of their ways? I don't hear "Amazing Grace" playing in the background, Spanky!

Mrs. Ham: What's the matter with you people? Are you not capable of going anywhere without arguing with each other?

Spanky: What did you say? Oh, Mom, it's you. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without a pole between your thighs!

Wooldoor: Spanky, don't yell at your mother. It isn't polite!

Spanky: Oh, that's easy for you to say, Wooldoor! YOUR mother isn't a goddamn whore! (Mrs. Ham draws her breath sharply.)

Foxxy: Spanky, how dare you! Now I know you may not approve of what your mother does, but it doesn't make her a bad person!

Hero: And besides, we LIKE whores!

Mrs. Ham: You do?

Hero: Yeah! That's why I'm dating one!

A look of extreme anger fills Foxxy's face. Seething, she turns to Captain Hero and faces him point blank.

Foxxy: Captain Hero... (There is a long pause as everyone looks at Foxxy. Finally, she finishes her thought.) Captain Hero... it is ON!

Foxxy jumps on Captain Hero and attacks him. Spanky and his mother turn and face each other arguing very violently. Toot and Wooldoor jump on top of each other and roll around on the floor, taking turns trying to strangle each other. Clara stands up and does the sign of the cross, then looks up, clasps her hands, and begins chanting, "Jesus, come take me right now!" over and over. Ling-Ling sits in his seat just watching it all in disbelief. While the fight continues, the action shifts back to the stage as Siegfried and Roy finally finish their reveal.

Siegfried: And now- voila!

As Roy walks back over to the tiger, Siegfried opens the cabinet. Xandir steps out.

Xandir: Siegfried! I missed you!

Siegfried and Xandir hug. Roy kneels down beside the tiger. Xandir lets go of Siegfried and turns around. He begins walking downstage in the direction of the tiger. The shot changes to Roy with the tiger.

Roy: Now, Blumkin! NOW!

The shot changes back to Xandir. He comes face to face with the tiger coming right toward him. His eyes open as wide as they can. In the audience, the housemates are still fighting. Foxxy is on top of Hero shaking him violently. Spanky's mother has him bent over her knee spanking him. Toot and Wooldoor are simultaneously trying to wring each other's necks. Clara sits back in her chair sulking. Ling-Ling continues to stare in disbelief. Suddenly, a tiger's roar rings out through the audience. The room goes completely silent. The housemates momentarily freeze in place. We hear Xandir scream. The housemates immediately stop their fighting and begin watching what is happening on stage.

Toot: Oh, my God! Is that tiger doing what I think he's doing?

Wooldoor: You mean mauling Xandir and rendering him a bloody pulp? Yes, that's what he's doing.

Toot: Wow! These guys really ARE entertainers! (She turns to Wooldoor.) Were we fighting about something?

Wooldoor: I don't remember.

Toot: Eh. Couldn't have been that important.

Spanky: (to his mom) Mom... I'm sorry for trying to change who you are. I guess I should have remembered that whatever you choose to do in your career, you're still the same person inside. And you're my mom, and I love you.

Mrs. Ham: (hugging Spanky) I love you too, son!

Hero: Foxxy, I'm sorry I called you a whore.

Foxxy: Oh, who am I kidding? I *am* a whore!

Hero: I do like whores! So, Foxxy, what say we meet up later and I solicit you?

Foxxy: Is HE coming? (She points to the fake penis.)

Hero: But of course!

Foxxy: Captain Hero... (She gives him a sexy look.) You got a deal! (Hero claps.)

Clara: (to Ling-Ling) Oh, my God, Ling-Ling, look! Everyone stopped fighting! (She looks up at the sky.) You can cancel that order. I think I'll stay down here a while longer.

Everyone sits back down to watch the tiger continuing to tear Xandir limb from limb.

Xandir: (voice) Ow! My ass!

As all of the housemates sit back with big smiles on their faces, the scene fades.

Spanky (in confessional): Well... you pretty much saw the highlights of our big Vegas trip. The rest of the trip passed quickly and harmoniously. I'm not really sure what turned it around, though. The first three days we were fighting practically nonstop, and then all of a sudden... peace broke out! For the rest of the week, we were completely happy in each other's company! We ended up spending the entire week in that tiny hotel room not minding it a bit. We took turns sleeping in the bed... it was an unprecedented era of good feelings in the history of our relationship together! And I still can't figure out what it was that brought us all together like that.

Cut to the group in the van. They are now heading home. Foxxy drives while Xandir sits in the passenger seat. The others all sit in the same positions they occupied on the way down. Xandir is heavily bandaged. He does not say a word, but pouts continuously.

Wooldoor: Wow, that was a great trip, wasn't it?

Toot: It sure was!

Hero: I loved it!

Clara: Believe it or not, in spite of all the sinners and the prostitutes and all, I loved it too!

Spanky: I think this trip ended up being even more fun than that time we went to the AIDS Museum!

Wooldoor: That was a good trip!

Toot: Yeah.

Wooldoor: But this one was better!

Hero: You got that right!

Toot: Now let me think... was there anything we wanted to do in Vegas this week that we didn't get to do? (Everyone thinks for a moment. After a bit, Clara speaks up.)

Clara: Hey! Don't they have gambling in Vegas? (Everyone begins to nod in realization.)

Spanky: Hey, you're right!

Hero: I didn't think of that!

Toot: We'll have to do that next time!

Foxxy: Next time? Does this mean y'all wanna go again next year?

Everyone except Xandir: Yeah!

Toot: You bet, Foxxy!

Wooldoor: I'm going to buy Captain Hero's penis again!

Hero: (patting Wooldoor on the back) So am I, little friend. So am I.

The van is quiet for a moment as the housemates continue to head down the road. Everyone is smiling contentedly except Xandir, who is still pouting.

Wooldoor: (out of nowhere) When we get home... I think I'd like to get a cat. (There are general expressions of agreement from the others.)

Clara: Oh, that's sweet! I love cats!

Toot: Me too!

Clara: So what brought on this sudden urge, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: I don't know! I guess I just saw something recently that reminded me how much I like cats!

Foxxy: Well, I think that's a fine idea, Wooldoor!

There is another extended pause.

Wooldoor: (after a moment) I think I'll call it Whiskers.

Everyone nods in agreement. The camera pulls back to show all of the housemates sitting happily. Xandir is still pouting. The scene changes to a long shot of the van heading down the road into the sunset. The scene fades.

THE END

[BBoysheite]

Backstreet Boys BSB are an American rock boy band. The band was founded on April 20, 1993 in Orlando, Florida, by Lou Pearlman. Now this is the most successful band with more than 130 million records sold all around the world. The group was named after a flea market in Orlando, the "backstreet flea market". In 2019 Backstreet Boys has more than 50 concerts in the US with their tour. Check all concerts at Backstreet Boys concerts 2019 website. Full list of tour dates & concerts!