Post by Raymond-Raymond on Sept 26, 2008 22:24:19 GMT -5
BOX LUNCH
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Toot, Spanky, Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor in the living room watching TV.
Announcer: (on TV) The exact nature of the encounter was unclear, but doctors speculate that Britney's box will never be the same again. In other sports news-
Suddenly the guys notice that Toot is squirming her hips, obviously a bit uncomfortable.
Spanky: Toot, I thought we've been over this. We like you, just... not like that. (He turns to Xandir.) I swear, we go two whole episodes without seeing Marty, this is the kind of thing she's reduced to.
Toot: Oh goddammit, Spanky, that's not what it is!
Spanky: Then what is it?
Toot: I think I have a pimple on my vagina! (She turns in Xandir's direction and opens her legs wide.) Hey, Xandir, could you take a look for me? (She begins pulling her panties down.)
Xandir: (freaked out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (He immediately takes off like a light and dashes out of the room as quickly as he can. Toot and Spanky both snicker. Wooldoor gets up off the couch and begins walking toward Toot.)
Toot: I can't believe we got him with that again!
Spanky: That is one guy who does not care for box!
As Toot continues to laugh, we see that Wooldoor is kneeled over trying to look at Toot's crotch.
Toot: Goddammit, Wooldoor, what the hell are you doing?
Wooldoor: I was just trying to examine your vagina pimple. I'm a doctor, remember?
Toot: Wooldoor, I don't REALLY have a pimple down there.
Wooldoor: Are you sure? Maybe I should put some ointment on it.
Spanky: Hey! I got yer ointment right here! (He begins reaching down the front of his pants. Toot hangs her head in disgust.)
Toot: Oh, God.
Spanky walks over to Toot and hands her a tube.
Spanky: Here. It's a special brand of liniment designed for sensitive areas. I think you'll like it.
Toot: Um, thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: Don't mention it!
Announcer: (on TV) All Paris had to say about the pictures was, "Oh my God, you guys, leave me alone already! My life is not a peep show! At least not until I've had time to fix my hair first!"
Toot: (turning TV off in disgust) And that's enough of that! (She pauses for a moment.) Okay, I'm bored now. (She turns to the others.) I want to go do something this afternoon. What about you guys? You feel like doing something together?
Hero: Sorry, Toot, but I can't! I'm having sex with Foxxy!
Toot: The whole afternoon?
Hero: (angrily) Are you questioning my stamina?
Toot: Sorry I asked. (She turns to the others.) So what about you guys?
Wooldoor: I can't! I'm going to spend the whole day playing with a box!
Spanky: What, like a sandbox?
Wooldoor: No, the kind I always see Captain Hero playing with!
Hero and Spanky's jaws both drop wide open. They turn to each other.
Hero: Did you hear that, Spanky?
Spanky: Yeah! Wooldoor is cool!
Wooldoor: What's the big deal? I've been doing it practically every day this week! (Hero and Spanky continue to stare.)
Spanky: So... whose box have you been playing with, Wooldoor? Unusually Flexible Girl's?
Wooldoor: No! Mrs. Baker, next door!
Hero: Wait. The old lady?
Wooldoor: Yup!
Spanky: Wow!
Hero: Talk about coming of age!
Wooldoor: Hey! I have an idea! You guys should come with me!
Spanky: What, really?
Wooldoor: Yeah, it'll be fun! You guys can play with her box, too!
Spanky: Well... she's a little outside cougar range, but what the hell. If she made a man out of Wooldoor, it couldn't hurt to give her a try!
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks, Spanky!
Spanky: Don't mention it!
Wooldoor: What about you, Hero? You wanna come too?
Hero: I already did!
Toot: Ah. (She gets up.) Now I know what I'm going to spend my afternoon doing. (She begins walking toward the stairs.)
Wooldoor: What's that, Toot?
Toot: Stabbing my eyes out! (She goes upstairs. Wooldoor turns to the guys, confused.)
Wooldoor: I thought Toot stopped mutilating herself when she started dating Marty.
Hero: Maybe Marty has a fetish for blind women.
Wooldoor: He should date Mrs. Baker, then! She isn't blind, but she's extremely nearsighted!
Spanky: Marty can find his own box to play with! I got first crack at Mrs. Baker!
Wooldoor: Huh?
Spanky: Never mind.
As Wooldoor continues to look confused, Spanky grins. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the exterior of a large convention center. Outside it stands a sign reading "International Anime Convention Monday-Saturday". The scene then changes to the interior of the convention center, where we see a costumed Clara and Ling-Ling standing in the midst of a sea of cosplaying anime fans. They are waiting in line at one of the booths.
Clara: Oh wow... I never dreamed there would be this many people here, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, anime not that big. And it not like we live in area with lot of people.
Clara: Ling-Ling, was that sarcasm? Where did you learn to do that?
Ling-Ling smiles and looks at Clara.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling learn from the best.
Clara: (grinning) Why, Ling-Ling...
Ling-Ling: That right!
Clara: You mean Toot, obviously.
Ling-Ling: Who else?
Clara: (looking around) I have to admit, Ling-Ling, being around all these people is kind of intimidating. I don't know who half of these people are supposed to be! I mean, I don't know who two thirds of these people are supposed to be! I mean, I don't know who-
Ling-Ling: Does Carla know who ANYONE here supposed to be?
Clara: You and me! Well, me, at least. Well- who is Sailor Moon again?
Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling not expect Carla to be anime expert. He just glad she willing to share his passion.
Clara: I'll share anything with you, Ling-Ling. And I know you'd do the same for me.
Ling-Ling: You bet! Next time Carla go to Disney convention, Ling-Ling be right there dressed as Tinkerbell!
Clara: Now Ling-Ling, I think Xandir would get mad if you stole his costume!
Ling-Ling: Eh, Xandir can go screw himself.
Clara: I'm sure he's tried.
Ling-Ling: But seriously, Carla, thank you for coming here with Ling-Ling. And dressing up. (He grins at her.)
Clara: (eying him curiously) Ling-Ling... does this costume fulfill some kind of fantasy for you?
Ling-Ling: Maybe.
Clara: (smiling) Why, Ling-Ling! Is that what this is all about? You wanted to score with Sailor Moon? (He continues to smile at her. Clara strokes his head affectionately.) Well, I can't say I blame you.
Ling-Ling: Hey, role-playing work both ways. Ling-Ling wear beard and sandals for Carla, doesn't he?
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling, you do.
Ling-Ling: (stroking one of Clara's long braids) Tonight it Ling-Ling's turn to live out lifelong fantasy!
Clara: (looking at him seductively) I know. It's too bad I've never had any secret desire to get frisky with Hello Kitty.
Ling-Ling: (looking back at her) What if Ling-Ling dress as Godzilla instead?
Clara: Godzilla? Uh, Ling-Ling, I like the small guys, remember? You're a lot closer with Hello Kitty.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling suppose.
Clara: What's wrong, Ling-Ling? Do you not like being Hello Kitty?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling like Hello Kitty fine. He wanted to dress up as Godzilla, though.
Clara: So why didn't you?
Ling-Ling: Carla crazy? They not make Godzilla costume in Ling-Ling size!
Clara: Well, for what it's worth, I think you look adorable as Hello Kitty!
Ling-Ling: Adolable. Yeah. That sure make Ling-Ling look tough. Ling-Ling just hope battle monster buddies not see him like this.
Clara: I don't think you have anything to worry about, Ling-Ling. You're at a huge convention. Nobody knows you here!
At that moment, the person in line in front of them walks off. Clara and Ling-Ling are now at the front of the line. They turn away from their conversation toward the figure manning the souvenir booth. We see that it is none other than Ni-Pul, dressed as the female version of Ranma.
Ling-Ling: Oh, fuck Ling-Ling!
Ni-Pul: Why, herro there, Ring-Ring! Long time no see!
Ling-Ling: Hello, Ni-Pul.
Clara: What's going on, Ling-Ling? Do you two know each other?
Ni-Pul: Oh yes... one might say that Ling-Ling and I know each other in a special way!
Ling-Ling: Yeah! Retarded special!
Ni-Pul: Why all the anger, Ling-Ling? You not like Ni-Pul anymore?
Ling-Ling: Sorry, Ni-Pul. It not you. Ling-Ling just not prepared for surprise like this right now.
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling, I think we need to talk.
Ling-Ling: Yes, Ni-Pul, Ling-Ling think so too.
Ni-Pul: (turning to the very large figure behind her, wearing a Speed Racer costume) Totoro, watch booth for me for a few minutes. I have to go talk Ling-Ling for a while. (Ni-Pul comes out from behind the booth.) Here. We go to hotel bar and have chat.
Ling-Ling: Okay. (He turns to Clara.) Carla come along?
Clara: No, thanks. I mean, YOU'RE fine, Ling-Ling, but being around TWO people who talk like that? I'm not sure the grammar Nazi in me could take it.
Ling-Ling: Okay, then. Ling-Ling meet you back in hotel room later on, okay?
Clara: Sounds good. I'll just explore the place on my own for a while.
As Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul walk off together, Clara looks around, trying to take everything in. A slightly confused look begins to form on her face.
Clara: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear all of these people were supposed to be Asians! (She shrugs.)
Clara (in confessional): Those thigh high boots were NOT agreeing with my feet, so I thought I'd head for the lounge and sit down for a while.
Cut to the lounge. Clara walks in and sees a solitary unoccupied chair.
Clara: Ah!
Clara begins to walk briskly toward the chair. However, she proceeds to collide with a tall figure in her path.
Clara: Oh! Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Figure: It's all right.
Suddenly, Clara gets a good look at the figure. The figure is also dressed as Sailor Moon.
Clara: (playfully) Oh, darn! We should have phoned each other before we left!
Figure: (taking a cigarette out of its mouth and inhaling deeply) Why is that?
Clara: Well, because we both wore the same thing.
Figure: Oh. I see.
Clara: Hang on a second. Your voice. It sounds a little... husky. And your legs... they're so hairy. Unless you're French, you're... you're a man, aren't you? (The figure turns and faces Clara.)
Figure: Yes, I'm a man. Why is that so surprising?
Clara: Well, it's just that I didn't expect a MAN to come to a convention dressed as Sailor Moon! You're not gay, are you?
Figure: No. To be honest, I only wore this costume because it meant I didn't have to wear pants. (He puffs his cigarette again.) If there's one thing I've never cared for, it's pants.
Clara: I see.
Figure: (holding his hand out) I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself. My name is Chase Huffington.
Clara: (shaking his hand) Hello, Chase. I'm Clara.
Chase: There are some who call me rebellious.
Clara: Well, if you're rebellious for not wearing pants, then I live in a DEN of rebels!
Chase: You don't wear pants either.
Clara: Yes, well, I'm a girl. I don't have to.
Chase: Why must the acceptability of pantslessness be determined by gender? It's unfair, if you ask me.
Clara: I think it may have something to do with the fact that women have nicer legs than men.
Chase: Oh, so only PRETTY people should be allowed to go pantsless.
Clara: Chase, you have to understand. I come from a very traditional place where old-fashioned gender roles are adhered to unconditionally. The men are the breadwinners, while the women just stay home and cook and raise the children. The only women in my kingdom who work are either servants or whores... or both.
Chase: I guess it would really piss your daddy off if he saw his little girl wearing pants one day.
Clara: Yes. Yes, it would.
Clara (in confessional): Note to self. Remember to wear pants the next time I visit Daddy at the castle.
Chase: Well, Clara... since you're pantsless, and I'm pantsless, what say you and me go back to my hotel room and share our pantslessness together? (Clara's eyes pop wide open.)
Clara: (hesitantly) Chase, I appreciate the invitation, but I'm married.
Chase: So is there a rule that married people can't lounge around watching television together? In my opinion, watching television is the perfect pantsless activity.
Clara: Thanks. But if it's all the same to you, I think I'll go back to my own room and be pantsless solo.
Chase: I like to enjoy my pantslessness solo sometimes too!
Clara: (slightly weirded out) Of course you do. Um... bye! (She waves, then quickly takes off. Chase stands looking after her.)
Chase: Nice girl. I admire her devotion to not wearing pants. I'll have to tell my brother about her. He'll be furious!
Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling feel bad that he leave Ni-Pul hanging when he get together with Carla. But one minute, they in love and want to spend rest of life together, then next thing Ling-Ling know, she say she going back to Battle Monster Training Academy to improve skills as fighter! (Ling-Ling begins to think.) Wait- was that before or after religious vegetable kill both of them in bed?
Cut to the hotel bar. Ni-Pul sits at the counter as Ling-Ling walks in. He hops up onto a barstool besides Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: Herro, Ring-Ring.
Ling-Ling: Hello, Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: So how you been?
Ling-Ling: Good, Ni-Pul. Good.
Ni-Pul: You ever get American citizenship you were hoping for?
Ling-Ling: Yes, Ling-Ling get citizenship. How about Ni-Pul?
Ni-Pul: I get citizenship too. Pass Battle Monster Training Course, awarded honorary certificate of American citizenship as well as $30 gift certificate to Ninjagear.com!
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul make ninja? Wow! Ling-Ling always want to be ninja, but never get chance!
Ni-Pul: Why not, Ling-Ling? Why you not continue battle monster training like Ni-Pul so Ling-Ling make ninja like she did?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get sidetracked... he develop other priorities.
Ni-Pul: Like what?
Ling-Ling: Look, Ni-Pul... before Ling-Ling get into that... he think Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul need to talk about where things left between them.
Clara (in confessional): (holding her head and writhing in pain) No... I'm not even IN that story at the moment and my brain is pounding! All the broken English... help me!
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, Ling-Ling realize he and Ni-Pul never officially break up. But Ni-Pul go away, he not sure if she interested in him anymore, and Ling-Ling... well, he-
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling find somebody else?
Ling-Ling: How Ni-Pul know?
Ni-Pul: You live on a damn TV reality show! I know you married that damn princess bitch, I saw it on TV!
Ling-Ling: Oh.
Ni-Pul: I never would have thought that Ling-Ling, the fiercest warrior in all of Asia... would lose his heart to a (she sneers the words) HUMAN WOMAN! And not even geisha, you go and marry woman from the West! I swear, Ling-Ling, you bring disgrace to all of Asia!
Ling-Ling: Seriously, all of Asia? Ling-Ling marrying Western woman somehow more disgraceful than evil Communist genocide and ritual sacrifice of girl babies?
Ni-Pul: Genocide tragic but honorable. Marrying Western bitch not honorable.
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, Ling-Ling understand you not happy about what Ling-Ling do. But Ling-Ling swear, if you call Carla bitch one more time, Ling-Ling feel sudden urge to sacrifice girl baby about five years too late!
Ni-Pul: Wait. What?
Ling-Ling: Um, that you, Ni-Pul. Ling-Ling mean if you badmouth Carla again, he kill you.
Ni-Pul: Fair enough. Ling-Ling get mad, I lay off Western bitch.
Ling-Ling: Thank you.
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling, look. I understand that you make promise to one you call Carla. But Ling-Ling not forget, he make promise of same nature to Ni-Pul first!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess that true. And he very sorry he not keep promise. But he not know where relationship with Ni-Pul stand... and then Carla come along, and...
Ni-Pul: I know, I know, she turn Ling-Ling's head around and make him fall in love with her, forget all about Ni-Pul.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling really sorry. If there any way he can make it up to Ni-Pul, he be glad to do so.
Ni-Pul: Actually, now that you mention it... there IS something you can do to help Ni-Pul out.
Ling-Ling: What that?
Ni-Pul: You help Ni-Pul care for child!
Ling-Ling: What? Ni-Pul have baby while Ling-Ling away? Look who talking about honor!
Ni-Pul: It not dishonorable to have baby! I mean, sure, maybe if baby was girl, but I not have girl! I have son!
Ling-Ling: Be as that it may.
Ni-Pul: What?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling just saying it very hypocritical of Ni-Pul to harass Ling-Ling for not being faithful to her when clearly she not faithful to Ling-Ling either!
Ni-Pul: What you mean, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: What Ni-Pul mean what Ling-Ling mean? Ling-Ling get married, but Ni-Pul- she go and have baby! How that not even more dishonorable than what Ling-Ling do?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling, your act dishonorable because you go and take up relations with some other woman. But Ni-Pul, she not take up relations with another man.
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul saying another girl get Ni-Pul pregnant? Ling-Ling have to check, but he pretty sure it not work that way.
Ni-Pul: No, Ling-Ling. What I saying is, this baby I speak of... is YOURS!
Ling-Ling gasps and puts his hands to his face.
Ling-Ling: Yoko Ono!
The "dun dun dun" tone plays.
The scene cuts to the exterior of a simple-looking house in the suburbs. Spanky and Wooldoor walk up to the door. Wooldoor pushes the doorbell. From inside we hear a voice.
Mrs. Baker: (voice) Just a minute, I'm making fudge!
Spanky: Damn, is this my kind of woman or what? (The door opens.)
Mrs. Baker: Why hello, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Hello, Mrs. Baker!
Mrs. Baker: I see you brought a friend today!
Wooldoor: I did! This is Spanky!
Mrs. Baker: Why, hello, Spanky!
Spanky: (coolly) Hey, sweet thing.
Mrs. Baker: Have you come to play in my box again, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I sure have!
Mrs. Baker: And you seem so eager, too.
Wooldoor: I love your box!
Mrs. Baker: Oh, my, I never would have expected that old box I have to draw so much attention from you youngsters!
Wooldoor: Old boxes are the best kind of boxes! (Spanky looks at Wooldoor.)
Mrs. Baker: You think so?
Wooldoor: Just between you and me, new boxes kinda smell funny.
Mrs. Baker: I suppose you're right, Wooldoor. Although to be honest, I can't say I go around smelling boxes.
Spanky: (cynically) I bet you don't.
Mrs. Baker: Well, my fudge still has a few minutes left to bake. Why don't you run along out to the tool shed and I'll join you there in a few minutes?
Spanky: (confused) The tool shed? Why- (Suddenly, a thought occurs to him. He muses to himself.) Damn, this chick is kinky!
Wooldoor: Okay! Come on, Spanky! (Wooldoor immediately runs off in the direction of the tool shed. Spanky turns to Mrs. Baker.)
Spanky: Oh, Mrs. Baker? Can I ask you something?
Mrs. Baker: What is it, Spanky?
Spanky: Um, about your box. Um... can I play in it after Wooldoor's done?
Mrs. Baker: You don't have to wait, Spanky. There's plenty of room for you both in there!
Spanky's jaw drops open.
The scene changes back to the convention. Clara and Ling-Ling are now back in their hotel room sitting on the bed. Except for her wig and boots, which are off to the side, Clara is still in costume. Ling-Ling is rubbing her feet.
Clara: Oh, thank you, Ling-Ling, that feels wonderful! Those boots- I don't know how Foxxy and Xandir wear those things day-in day-out. (She looks at Ling-Ling.) I'm telling you, Ling-Ling, since I've been married to you, my resistance to foot pain has gone right down the drain!
Ling-Ling: This mean Carla looking forward to being barefoot and pregnant someday?
Clara: Well, I don't know about THAT... (Ling-Ling looks down slightly disappointed. Clara does not notice.) So, Ling-Ling, you haven't told me yet who your friend was.
Ling-Ling: Oh. That Ni-Pul.
Clara: I'm guessing by the way you two reacted to each other that she's an ex?
Ling-Ling: (sighs) Yeah. She woman that Ni-Pul dated before you.
Clara: Oh, wow! So... you dumped her for me?
Ling-Ling: Kind of. Ni-Pul go away for a while... it complicated.
Clara: So what was she wanting?
Ling-Ling: Er... Ling-Ling tell you later, if that okay. He and Ni-Pul still have some issues to work out.
Clara: What's going on, Ling-Ling? Should I be worried?
Ling-Ling: No. Believe me, Ling-Ling know where heart lie. He just have to tie up loose ends.
Clara: What kind of loose ends are you talking about, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla... it complicated. He and Ni-Pul not leave things in good place, he just not want Carla to get caught in the middle.
Clara: Oh. I see.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling promise Carla he get everything worked out. Just leave it to Ling-Ling.
Clara: Okay, Ling-Ling. I trust you. (At that moment, there is a knock at the door.) Oh, I didn't know you ordered room service!
Ling-Ling scowls. He puts Clara's feet down and hops off the bed. He walks over to the door and opens it. Ni-Pul stands in the doorway holding a bundle.
Ni-Pul: Herro, Ring-Ring! (She holds out the bundle.) I bring you visitor!
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. Listen, Ni-Pul. About so-called "visitor"-
Ni-Pul: (looking inside the hotel room) Oh, Ling-Ling! You have such big hotel room! So much bigger than mine! Of course, guest quarters always nicer than employee- (Suddenly, she catches sight of Clara and gasps. Clara, sitting idly on the bed, looks confused.) Ugh! What Western bitch doing here?
Ling-Ling: This our hotel room, Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: I not talk to you if Western bitch here!
Ling-Ling: Fine! Then Ni-Pul go away!
Ni-Pul: Oh, no, Ling-Ling. I talk to you! Western bitch have to leave!
Ling-Ling: How many times Ling-Ling have to tell you Carla not Western bitch?
Ni-Pul: Fine. She not Western bitch. But Western non-bitch still have to leave.
Clara: (getting off the bed and walking over to the pair) Now wait just a minute! I'm not going to let some stranger kick me out of my own hotel room so you can talk to my husband!
Ni-Pul: I not stranger! I love of Ling-Ling's life!
Ling-Ling glares at Ni-Pul angrily for a moment. Finally, he sighs and turns to Clara.
Ling-Ling: Carla? Perhaps you should leave for a bit. Ling-Ling think he have to straighten this one out himself.
Clara: Are you sure, Ling-Ling? I mean, this is OUR room. We can have security kick her out if we have to.
Ling-Ling: No. That okay.
Clara: Well... all right. If it's what you think is best. (Clara walks over to her suitcase and gets out a pair of flip-flops and puts them on.) I guess I'll go hang out in the lobby for a while.
Ling-Ling: Thanks. (Clara walks to the door. Ling-Ling calls to her as she is about to step out.) Carla? (Clara turns to him.) Everything be okay... Ling-Ling promise.
Clara: I trust you.
With that, Clara walks out the door. The camera view shifts to the hallway as Clara closes the door behind her. She pauses and stands silent for a moment, reflecting on things. She then gathers herself and begins walking down the hallway. She sees Chase, still in costume, walking toward her with two other people.
Clara: (in mild frustration) Oh, God!
Clara quickly looks around and sees there is nowhere to hide. She turns and takes off in the opposite direction toward the ice machine. We see that the hallway dead ends at the ice machine. Chase and his friends continue walking down the hall toward Clara. Clara turns to the ice machine in a panic. We see that the machine is nestled snugly into a corridor, leaving no room underneath or beside it for hiding. Not knowing what else to do, Clara lifts the lid to the storage compartment. She does the sign of the cross, and bracing herself for the cold, dives in on top of the huge pile of ice. The lid swings shut behind her. The party reaches the spot where Clara was standing. We see that Chase's companions are Charlotte and his brother Chad, dressed as Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist and Naruto, respectively. Chad unlocks the door to their room.
Chad Huffington: Well... time to get back to our room! I just hope that you two don't keep me up all night again, Charlotte and my rebellious brother Chase!
Chase: I don't understand why all three of us have to share one room. Why can't Charlotte and I-
Charlotte: We have to be in the same room! Okay? It's just more convenient for me- er... I mean.... Oh, I don't have to explain it, that's just how it is!
Chad Huffington: Well, all right, Charlotte. You always do know best. At least YOU had the decency to choose a character who wears pants!
Chase: She's not going to be wearing those pants for long.
Chad Huffington: Huh?
Charlotte: Never mind. (She turns to Chase.) Hey, Chase, could you go get us some ice?
Chase: Why do I have to get the ice?
Charlotte: Because it's Chad's turn fir- er... I mean. (She leans over to Chase and whispers in his ear.) You get me some cold stuff now and I'll make it hot for you later!
Chase: Fair enough. (As Chad and Charlotte walk back into the room, Chase grabs a bucket and walks over to the ice machine. He opens it with a surprised expression.) What the hell? (Chad pops back in the doorway. We see Chase pulling an embarrassed and shivering Clara out of the ice compartment.) Clara?
Clara: (covering her arms and holding her legs together to keep warm) Hi, Chase!
Chad Huffington: Oh, dear! Whatever was that pantsless thing doing in the ice machine?
Chase: Never mind. We have to do something to help get this girl warmed up.
Clara: (still shivering) Thanks, Chase.
Chase: Chad! Give her your pants! (Chad gasps in horror.)
Chad Huffington: No! Not my pants!
Chase: Here, Clara, come back inside with us and I'll get you a blanket.
Clara: Okay.
Chase ushers Clara into the room, then he and Chad follow her inside. As soon as all three parties are out of view, we hear Clara let out a mild scream.
Clara: (inside room) Oh, my God!
Charlotte: (inside room) What? You never see a vagina with a pimple on it before?
The scene changes back to Ling-Ling's room.
Ling-Ling: All right, Ni-Pul. What that thing you holding?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling? Is that any way to talk about your son?
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. About that. Ling-Ling not think that Ling-Ling's son Ni-Pul holding.
Ni-Pul: (shocked) And what make Ling-Ling say that?
Ling-Ling: Do the math. Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul both Asian, they should be pretty good at that.
Ni-Pul: All right.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul break up over two years ago. Closer to three. Everyone know that three battle monster years equal twenty-one human years. If Ling-Ling conceive child with Ni-Pul before she go away, battle monster should be as big as Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul now!
Ni-Pul: Child have Gary Coleman disease, not grow up.
Ling-Ling: Everyone know only ones vulnerable to that disease are sassy black children from popular 80s sitcoms!
Ni-Pul: Uh... Ling-Ling have affair. Get drunk, cheat on wife, knock up Ni-Pul.
Ling-Ling: No...
Ni-Pul: All right, fine, fine, I tell you. I steal guys.
Ling-Ling: (shocked) What? Ni-Pul steal Ling-Ling guys?
Ni-Pul: I take them from Ling-Ling when he sleeping, keep them frozen, have baby later!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling still not believe you. He still not think that Ling-Ling kid!
Ni-Pul: Oh, this Ling-Ling kid, all right. I prove it to you.
Ling-Ling looks at Ni-Pul attentively. She holds out the bundle to him. She pushes back the blanket so the child's face can be seen clearly. The child looks exactly like a miniature version of Ling-Ling. He gasps. The "dun dun dun" tone plays.
The scene changes to Mrs. Baker's house. Spanky and Wooldoor are now in the tool shed. Wooldoor is playing in a very large refrigerator box while Spanky looks around at all the garden implements hanging from the walls.
Spanky: Wow... would you look at all this stuff? I mean, sure, they SEEM like ordinary garden tools. But they're not. Funny thing, though. (He grins and puts his hands together.) Mrs. Baker doesn't have a garden!
Wooldoor: (inside box) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! This is fun!
Spanky: And even if she DID have a garden... why would she send Wooldoor and me out HERE of all places when there's a perfectly good bedroom just raring to go?
Wooldoor: I love playing in this box! This is just like the time Captain Hero and I built box forts out of all the boxes in the attic and played with them all day!
Spanky: Not now, Wooldoor! I'm trying to think! Let's see, I could seduce her into plain old vanilla sex until I get a good read on her... then maybe once I know what I'm dealing with, we can introduce the garden tools into things.
Wooldoor: (He begins singing.) I'm living in a box, I'm living in a cardboard box...
Spanky: Now what do I want to start with? The rake? The shovel? Oh, I know! I'll just do what my dad always taught me! When you're in doubt where your next orgasm is coming from... (he grabs a long handled object off the wall)... just grab a hoe! (We see that Spanky is holding a garden hoe.)
Wooldoor: Spanky, are you going to come play in this box with me?
Spanky: Later, Wooldoor. I'm waiting for Mrs. Baker to come back. (He looks outside.) Ah, here she is! (Spanky grins and tosses the hoe to the ground.)
The camera angle changes to Mrs. Baker walking up to the shed with a tray of fudge and two glasses of lemonade.
Mrs. Baker: Here you go, boys! I brought you some refreshments! (Wooldoor pops out of the box.)
Wooldoor: Thank you, Mrs. Baker!
Mrs. Baker: Spanky, would you like some fudge? Or some lemonade? (There is no answer.) Spanky?
She and Wooldoor turn toward Spanky. He is completely nude and grinning at Mrs. Baker lasciviously. Wooldoor's eyes bug out, but Mrs. Baker just looks confused.
Spanky: I got yer lemonade right here!
Mrs. Baker: (staring at Spanky's penis) Spanky?
Spanky: Yes, Mrs. Baker?
Mrs. Baker: Spanky, why did you get my tiller down off the wall?
Spanky: Huh?
Mrs. Baker: My tiller. It was right up there on the wall next to my-
Mrs. Baker looks at the wall and sees that the tiller is still there. She looks back down at Spanky. Suddenly it dawns on her that she is not seeing the tiller, but Spanky's penis. The only emotion she can register is surprise.
Mrs Baker: Oh, my!
Cut back to Ling-Ling's room.
Ling-Ling: Yoko Ono! Ni-Pul *do* have Ling-Ling's son!
Ni-Pul: I tell you I do! Now you believe me?
Ling-Ling: Yes. Ling-Ling believe you. That definitely Ling-Ling's son. (Ni-Pul smiles satisfactorily.) Okay, Ni-Pul. You win. Ling-Ling help you support child.
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling darn right he do! This mean you share Ling family wealth with Ni-Pul?
Ling-Ling: Actually... Ling-Ling share of family money tied up in trust fund. He not able to touch any of it until father die or sign away control of money to Ling-Ling. And given father cataracts, he usually just end up writing "Pepsi-Cola" on contract instead of his name.
Ni-Pul: (not impressed) Uh huh.
Ling-Ling: But it okay! Ling-Ling get job, he send Ni-Pul child support checks through the mail.
Ni-Pul: Through mail? Ling-Ling crazy?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not understand.
Ni-Pul: Child not need child support checks, child need home!
Ling-Ling: Child have home with Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: That not enough! Child need home with father too!
Ling-Ling: What Ni-Pul suggest Ling-Ling do? Let Ni-Pul move in with he and Carla?
Ni-Pul: Move in with her? Ha! Not a chance!
Ling-Ling: Then what?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling leave one he call Carla, come back to Asia, raise baby with Ni-Pul.
Ling-Ling: You know Ling-Ling not able to do that, Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: And why not? You worry about what Western bi- (Ling-Ling glares at Ni-Pul. Spikes are starting to form. Ni-Pul quickly reconsiders her words.) - about what wife say?
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, please try to understand. Ling-Ling have life with Carla now. He love her... he not want to leave her for anything!
Ni-Pul: Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, Ling-Ling. Especially when honor at stake.
Ling-Ling: What honor have to do with this?
Ni-Pul: Seem like Ling-Ling trying to get out of child rearing duties. That veeeeeeeery dishonorable!
Ling-Ling: It not like Ling-Ling choose to have child! You steal Ling-Ling guys! Look who talking about honor! It not Ling-Ling's fault you get pregnant! Ling-Ling do nothing wrong here!
Ni-Pul: Technically not. But if I go back to Asia alone with child everyone can tell is Ling-Ling's just by looking at it... people still think of Ling-Ling shamefully.
Ling-Ling: (sighing in despair) Please, Ni-Pul. Don't do this. We work something out, Ling-Ling promise.
Ni-Pul: Only way for Ling-Ling to save face is come back to Asia with Ni-Pul and raise baby as mother and father.
Ling-Ling: All right... on one condition.
Ni-Pul: Western bitch can't come too! (Ling-Ling becomes angry.)
Ling-Ling: Goddammit, why not?
Ni-Pul: You talk about honor, Ling-Ling? Well, how THAT honorable? Living in household with loyal wife raising child while carrying on with Western geisha right in front of everyone's eyes? Ni-Pul think people will consider that even MORE shameful!
Ling-Ling: So basically, Ni-Pul saying that only way for Ling-Ling to retain any sense of honor is for him to marry Ni-Pul, raise child, and never see Carla again.
Ni-Pul: Bingo. (Ling-Ling sighs mournfully.) So what Ling-Ling say?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have to think about it a while. Okay, Ni-Pul?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling need to talk it over with wife first?
Ling-Ling: Just... leave Ling-Ling alone for a while, okay?
Ni-Pul: Fine. (Holding the child, she turns toward the door.) I come back tomorrow morning. In meantime... Ling-Ling can enjoy one last night with Western bi- (Ni-Pul waits for Ling-Ling to admonish her. However, Ling-Ling just looks down sadly. She corrects herself anyway.) - with Carla.
Ling-Ling does not answer. Ni-Pul walks out, closing the door behind her. Ling-Ling continues to look down, lost in thought.
Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling not know what to do. He know in his heart he never be able to leave Carla. But at the same time he know he still have duty to Ni-Pul and child... even if child not his fault. Ling-Ling decide to turn to only person who he think might have an answer.
Cut back to the Drawn Together house. The scene cuts to Hero's bedroom. The lights are off, and two figures are obviously getting frisky underneath the covers.
Hero: (under the covers) Oh, yeah, baby, I know how you like it!
Foxxy: (under the covers) That's right, baby! You give it to the Foxxy!
Hero: Oh, I'm giving it to her! I'm giving it to her so hard some of it's coming back to me!
Foxxy: Well, then, you can just give it to me again!
Hero: Oh, yeah, baby!
As Hero and Foxxy continue to roll around, the phone suddenly rings. Foxxy springs out from underneath the sheets to answer it.
Foxxy: (answering phone) Hello?
Hero: Foxxy! I can't believe you actually answered the phone in the middle of sex!
Foxxy: (turning to Hero) Well, I can't help it, it might be important!
Hero: More important than munching your box?
Foxxy: (brushing Hero aside and returning to the phone) I'm sorry. May I ask who's calling?
Ling-Ling: Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ling-Ling! How's it going at the convention?
Ling-Ling: Eh... convention okay. Foxxy, Ling-Ling have something he need to talk to you about.
Foxxy: What's that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Foxxy... you remember Ni-Pul?
Foxxy: Your little purple friend? The one you were dating before Clara?
Ling-Ling: That right. Well... she at convention too.
Foxxy: Oh, lordy! That's got to be pretty awkward!
Ling-Ling: Chocolate animal woman not even know the half of it.
Foxxy: What's going on?
Ling-Ling: Foxxy, Ni-Pul have baby. And not just any baby. Ling-Ling's son.
Foxxy: Oh, lordy! Ling-Ling, are you sure it's your son?
Ling-Ling: Yes. Ling-Ling sure. Trust me, you see child, you not question it belong to Ling-Ling.
Foxxy: I see. So what are you worried about? Are you worried Clara will get mad?
Ling-Ling: No. Ling-Ling know Carla understand. At least... he know Carla understand THAT. He not so sure about other thing.
Foxxy: What other thing?
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul ask Ling-Ling to leave Carla and come back to Asia and raise child with her.
Foxxy: What? She can't do that!
Ling-Ling: She did! And what worse, she say if I not go back with her, it bring eternal shame on Ling-Ling! He lose any shred of honor he ever had!
Foxxy: So why don't you just take-
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling already ask if he can take Carla with him, Ni-Pul say that no good.
Foxxy: Oh, wow. Then I guess you're really stuck.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know he not have it in his heart to leave Carla. But if he bring shame to family... Ling-Ling not sure how he ever be able to live with himself.
Foxxy: Right. I remember how important honor is to you, Ling-Ling. And it sounds to me like this girl's making you choose between honor and love.
Ling-Ling: Yes... yes, that exactly what she doing.
Foxxy: Well, if I was in your shoes, Ling-Ling, I'd just tell that bitch where she could stick her little ultimatum. But... I know you can't do that.
Ling-Ling: No.
Foxxy: That's a tough one, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: I know.
Foxxy: Well, if it's any comfort to you, Ling-Ling, I know that whatever you decide... Clara will still love you all the same.
Ling-Ling: I know. (He sighs again.) Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: You're welcome, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling hangs up on his end. After doing the same, Foxxy sits still on the bed for a moment looking thoughtful. Her reflection, however, is then broken by something happening out of view underneath the covers. Her look changes to one of annoyance.
Foxxy: Goddammit, Hero, get out of there! I'm trying to think!
Hero: (popping his head out from under the covers) Sorry! (Hero lies down beside Foxxy. She turns to him.) So who was that, Foxxy?
Foxxy: That was Ling-Ling, Hero. Apparently he's a father now.
Hero: Really? He actually found a way to get it all the way in Clara?
Foxxy: No, Hero. Clara ain't the mother. Apparently, Ling-Ling's ex-girlfriend showed up at the anime convention and said that-
At that moment, Xandir pops his head in the doorway.
Xandir: Hey, guys! Fernando and I are about to have butt sex and I was wondering if you had any tips on how to-
Foxxy: Xandir, I am not in the mood right now, okay?
Xandir: But Foxxy, it's the first time we've done it since I had my boyzillian! (Foxxy sighs in frustration.) Speaking of which... I'll probably need to find a new salon to go to, cause I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go back to that one anymore.
Foxxy thinks for a moment, then turns to Xandir.
Foxxy: Hey, Xandir. (He looks at her. Foxxy quickly throws the covers off her legs and turns toward Xandir, opening her legs as wide as she can.) Look! Box!
Xandir: (freaked out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (He immediately dashes out of the room as quickly as he can. Foxxy turns back to Hero.)
Foxxy: Hero, remind me tomorrow to thank Toot.
Hero: You got it!
Foxxy: Now where were we? Oh, right, you were about to show me how a Zebulonian vagina meld works!
Foxxy and Hero get back under the covers and resume their activity.
The scene changes back to the hallway of the hotel. It is the following morning, and the hallway is silent. After a moment, the door to Chase's room opens. A clearly traumatized Clara staggers out of the room wearing nothing but her sack dress. She does not speak. Very slowly she starts to make her way back to her own room. Chase, wearing his Sailor Moon skirt and nothing else, calls after her.
Chase: Clara! Wait! (Clara stops and turns, but says nothing. Her eyes are glazed over, her emotion almost completely numb. Chase runs up to her and puts his hands on her shoulders.) Clara... look, I know you're traumatized about what happened in there. Just let me try to explain why I did what I did to you, okay? When a man loves a woman very, very much, he sometimes wants to... do things to her. Things which she might consider frightening or even painful at first, but which over time, she comes to enjoy. And Clara... I love Charlotte very, very much.
Clara: But I still don't see why you made me watch!
Chase: Charlotte thinks it's more exciting that way!
Clara: Look. I don't know what kind of weird situation is going on between you three, but... please, leave me out of it. Okay? I just want to go back to my own room and my loving husband. Okay?
Chase: Okay, Clara. (Clara turns and starts to walk back to her door. Chase stops her once again.) Clara, wait!
Clara: What is it now, Chase?
Chase: Clara... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause any trouble. It was just that you didn't really seem to be fitting in here... you just looked to me like someone who was lonely and confused and just needed a friend. That's all.
Clara: Well, yes, Chase. I am confused. And I won't lie, I'm quite a bit out of my element at this convention, so... yeah, I do feel a bit awkward. But I'm not lonely. Not as long as I have Ling-Ling. (Chase nods solemnly.) But... thank you for being a friend.
Chase: No problem. (Clara starts to turn, but Chase stops her again.) Oh, Clara, wait. There's one more thing. (Chase quickly dashes back into his room and returns bearing Clara's clothes.) Here's your Sailor Moon outfit and your flip-flops. (He hands Clara her things.)
Clara: Thanks.
Chase: Now don't go diving into any more ice compartments, okay?
Clara: I won't.
Chase smiles and nods to Clara. She smiles back. Chase turns around and walks back to his room. Clara turns and goes into her own room.
Clara: (as she enters the room) Ling-Ling, I can explain why I didn't come back to the room last night. It's a long story, but it involves an ice machine, some pants, and a whole bunch of sexual acts I don't think even FOXXY'S ever heard of before!
Ling-Ling, standing on the bed, turns to Clara.
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla, Ling-Ling have something to tell you.
Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla, after you leave last night, Ni-Pul show Ling-Ling something.
Clara: (shocked) Why, that whore! For God's sake, you're married! She doesn't need to be showing you that!
Ling-Ling: Carla... Ni-Pul show Ling-Ling little battle monster.
Clara: Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?
Ling-Ling: No, Carla. Ling-Ling mean Ni-Pul show him baby.
Clara: Oh. A baby. So how does this impact (she gestures to herself and Ling-Ling) us?
Ling-Ling: (sighs) Baby is Ling-Ling's son.
Clara: Oh wow! Ling-Ling, are you sure?
Ling-Ling: Yes. Ling-Ling sure.
Clara: So you're a... a father?
Ling-Ling: Yes.
Clara: Oh, wow.
Ling-Ling: Carla mad?
Clara: Mad? I can't be mad, Ling-Ling. I mean, I would only have the right to be mad if you cheated on me. And I know you didn't do that.
Ling-Ling: No.
Clara: Although we *have* been married nearly three years now. How is it that the child is still a baby? (A thought comes to her.) Oh! Does it have that Gary Coleman disease?
Ling-Ling: No... Ni-Pul steal Ling-Ling guys and make herself pregnant.
Clara: She stole your what?
Ling-Ling: Sperm.
Clara: Oh. Guys are sperm? (She thinks.) Wait a minute... that time that Spanky told me that he was going to play poker with the guys... (she scrunches her face) Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Ling-Ling: Actually, in that instance, Ling-Ling think honorable pig demon mean ACTUAL guys. (He thinks again.) Although with Spanky, you never know.
Clara: (refocusing) Well... so anyway. So what's going to happen next? Does she want us to take the baby?
Ling-Ling: No... Ni-Pul keeping baby.
Clara: And she wants you to pay child support?
Ling-Ling: Sort of.
Clara: Sort of?
Ling-Ling: She want me to come back to Asia with her and raise baby.
Clara: Go back to Asia? But Ling-Ling- our life is here!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know.
Clara: Well... I guess I could go to Asia. I mean, Daddy does have that private helicopter, I could have him shuttle us back and forth between Asia and the Drawn Together house on weekends so we can visit our friends. Or maybe we can just invite them all to come live in Asia with us! I mean, it's a pretty big place. I'm sure there's room!
Ling-Ling: No, Carla. That not what Ni-Pul want. She want Ling-Ling to come back to Asia with her... alone.
Clara: Alone?
Ling-Ling: She say Carla can't come.
Clara: But... why not?
Ling-Ling: Carla not understand how Asian society work. If Ling-Ling return there with wife and child, he expected to live with her, be good family man!
Clara: And let me guess. Being a good family man means not being seen with some Western bitch.
Ling-Ling: (getting angry) Hey! Stop calling Carla Western bitch, you goddamn- oh, wait. Ling-Ling guess it okay for Carla to call herself bitch. (Clara smiles.) Even if Ling-Ling disagree. (Clara continues smiling, even as a tear starts to form in her eye. She puts her hand to her heart.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling. (She takes his hand. She is beginning to cry at this point.) I don't know if I can do it. I know it's your decision, but... (Clara can hold back no more at this point and begins sobbing.) I don't know if I can let you go!
Ling-Ling, on the verge of tears himself, hugs Clara. She begins crying on his shoulder. Ling-Ling tries to think of the words to say to her, but can't come up with a way to express his thoughts. Clara straightens up and pulls herself together somewhat, though still tearful.
Clara: So what have you told her, Ling-Ling? Anything?
Ling-Ling: Not yet.
Clara: (sniffling) Well... (She sniffles some more before finally pulling herself together enough to speak.) Ling-Ling, I know that you love me more than anything. But at the same time, I understand that you feel a duty. I know how important honor is to you... and I can understand you not wanting to bring shame to your family. But it just seems like... (She looks up at the sky angrily and clenches her fists.) Goddammit, it just seems like there should be a way for you to have it both ways!
Ling-Ling merely looks down solemnly. Clara turns back to Ling-Ling. Tearfully, she hugs him again. Neither says a word. The two continue to just sit on the bed hugging each other, seemingly holding onto each other for dear life. Finally, the moment is interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. Clara and Ling-Ling let go and turn to see a stern looking Ni-Pul holding the baby.
Ni-Pul: Ni-Pul hate to interrupt Ling-Ling's tender moment with whore, but I here to see if Ling-Ling make decision.
Clara: (holding up a finger) Um... not that I don't trust you or anything, but I'd like some proof that baby belongs to Ling-Ling. Could we hold off on the decision making until I see a paternity test?
Ni-Pul: I got your paternity test right here! (She holds up the baby. Clara sees clearly that the baby looks exactly like Ling-Ling.)
Clara: Oh, my! (She turns her head and mutters to herself.) Yes, that's definitely Ling-Ling's baby.
Ling-Ling hops off the bed and walks over to Ni-Pul. He looks at her determinedly.
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul... Ling-Ling give you one last chance to reconsider his offer. Take baby, take Ling-Ling child support money. Just leave him in peace to enjoy life with Carla.
Ni-Pul: No! Either leave whore and come with me or bring eternal shame to family forever! Those only two options!
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, please...
Ni-Pul: You hear me, Ling-Ling! You know what question is, you give me answer right now!
Ling-Ling: You determined to make Ling-Ling choose between love and honor... in that case, Ling-Ling only have one thing to say.
Ni-Pul looks at Ling-Ling, waiting for his answer. From the bed, Clara looks on anxiously, her hands clasped together in a prayer-like fashion. Ling-Ling turns to Ni-Pul with a determined look in his eyes.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling say... FUCK honor!
Ni-Pul is completely taken aback. Though she does not say a word, Clara throws her fists in the air triumphantly and looks gratefully toward the sky. Breathing a sigh of relief, she looks back at Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul again.
Ni-Pul: Oh, purrrrrrrease! Ling-Ling honestly expect me to believe that he care more about some Western whore than about thing Asians value more than anything else? Honor?
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul... let me explain something to you. Ling-Ling and Carla love each other more than anything. For Ling-Ling to walk out on woman he love knowing how badly he break her heart... sorry, Ni-Pul, but Ling-Ling find nothing honorable about that. (Ni-Pul scoffs. Ling-Ling is not deterred.) Ni-Pul, this whole time, Ling-Ling upset because he being forced to choose between love and honor. But Ling-Ling come to realize decision actually very easy. He should have realized from the beginning that love IS honor!
Ni-Pul: (skeptical) What?
Ling-Ling: Honor about doing what right in one's heart. And in Ling-Ling opinion, nothing more right than giving love to person who make him happier than anyone else in the world. Sorry, Ni-Pul. But Ling-Ling not leave Carla for you or anybody else, he not care WHAT rest of world think of him!
Ni-Pul: I see. Well, fine, then. I go back to Asia alone with baby. But what family say, Ling-Ling? Ling-Ling father very old-fashioned. What Ling-Ling father think when he find out Ling-Ling have child out of wedlock and refuse to marry mother? He be lucky if he not have heart attack!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling father not care. He always like Carla better than you anyway! So there! (Ling-Ling sticks out his tongue at Ni-Pul.)
Ni-Pul: (becoming very angry) Okay, Ling-Ling. I see how you going to play it. Well, there something you don't know about me, Ling-Ling! When Ni-Pul get ninja degree, it automatically come with built-in law degree! Ni-Pul ninja sue your sorry ass and get hands on entire Ling family fortune!
Clara: Wait. What exactly about this entitles you to sue Ling-Ling for his entire family fortune?
Ni-Pul: Ni-Pul friends with judge. She get reeeeeearry rucrative child support settlement from court!
Clara: Oh, go ahead and sue us! I'll just do like I always do and hire the smartest Jew in the Jewniverse!
Ni-Pul: Sorry, but Abe Goldblex from Space Shuttle 34 no longer able to take your case! Ever since Ni-Pul find incriminating photos of him with Tom Cruise, he strictly on retainer to Ni-Pul now!
Clara: (now worried) Oh, no!
Ni-Pul: Oh, yes!
Clara: (turning to Ling-Ling) I don't think my father would like us living in the poor house, Ling-Ling!
Ni-Pul: That right! So you might as well give Ni-Pul what she want right now or she drag your name through mud and then take it from you any- (At that moment, there is the sound of a disturbance outside in the hallway. Ni-Pul turns toward the door.) What the hell?
Through the door bursts none other than Dr. Lingstein wearing a blue wig, part of the Shampoo costume he wore for the convention. He is clearly very intoxicated.
Dr. Lingstein: Ni-Pul... Ni-Pul come back to room and love Dr. Lingstein some more... Dr. Lingstein very lonely!
Ni-Pul: Shut up, you stupid idiot! Can't you see you going to blow whole game? (Ling-Ling and Clara look on with astonishment.)
Dr. Lingstein: (looking at the baby) Wait. You have baby? You and Dr. Lingstein get drunk again and screw when he not looking? Oh, wait, that same baby as before. But why there two of them now? *hic*
Ni-Pul: (now furious) Go back to hotel room, you drunken jerk! You ruin everything now! (Ni-Pul sighs in frustration.) God, I not believe I ever stupid enough to marry you!
Dr. Lingstein: Dr. Lingstein regret nothing! (He throws himself out the door into the hallway. We hear his voice from offscreen.) Ow.
Ni-Pul throws her arms up in the air in exasperation and runs out of the room after Dr. Lingstein. In the hallway, we see Chad and Chase standing around the passed-out doctor. From underneath one side of him, we see a pair of feet sticking out, and from underneath the other side of him, we see a blonde ponytail.
Chad Huffington: Charlotte! Oh no! (He turns to his brother.) Chase, what the hell IS this thing that crushed poor Charlotte to death?
Chase: I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure they don't make pants in its size.
Chad Huffington: (grabbing Chase's shoulders desperately) No! Don't say that!
The camera cuts back to inside Ling-Ling's room. Ling-Ling walks over to the door and closes it behind him. He looks at Clara.
Clara: Wow.
Ling-Ling: You said it.
Clara: I guess it wasn't your baby after all.
Ling-Ling: Apparently not. (Clara sits silently for a moment. Ling-Ling hops back up on the bed next to her.) Carla... Ling-Ling just want you to know that everything he say to Ni-Pul absolutely true. He love you more than anything. And he never ever leave you no matter WHAT'S at stake.
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. And I just want you to know that the same goes for me. I would give up ANYTHING for you. I mean that, Ling-Ling. ANYTHING.
Ling-Ling: Really? (Clara nods.) What if Carla asked to give up her kingdom?
Clara: Pfft. Why don't you try asking me to give up something IMPORTANT? Like, say... my hairbrush!
Ling-Ling: (smiling) Yeah, that might be bigger test of Carla's devotion.
The two smile for a moment. Clara sighs.
Clara: So, Ling-Ling... are you disappointed?
Ling-Ling: About what?
Clara: Well, I know it worked out better for you that the baby turned out not to be yours. But on some level... are you kind of sad to find out you're not a father after all?
Ling-Ling: (looking at Clara thoughtfully) Would Carla believe it... if Ling-Ling said no?
Clara: (surprised) No?
Ling-Ling: It not that Ling-Ling not want kids. It just... if I'm going to be a father... I'd rather it be with you. (Clara puts her hand to her heart and looks at Ling-Ling somberly. Ling-Ling turns away.) But that okay. Ling-Ling know Carla not want kids.
Clara: Well... (Ling-Ling turns to her.)
Ling-Ling: Well what?
Clara: Well... maybe I do.
Ling-Ling becomes alarmed. He is clearly having difficulty believing what he is hearing.
Ling-Ling: Wait... Carla serious?
Clara: Ling-Ling, I never said I didn't want to have kids. I just said I wasn't ready, that's all.
Ling-Ling: And...?
Clara: Ling-Ling, when I saw her holding that thing that looked just like you... all I could think was, "She's not supposed to be having your baby... *I* am!". So... I think maybe that was my heart's way of telling me... it's time.
Ling-Ling: (growing excited) Carla serious? She ready to start trying?
Clara takes a deep breath, then looks at Ling-Ling with a smile.
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling. I think it's time for us to start trying!
Ling-Ling begins smiling from ear to ear. Clara smiles back. Ling-Ling jumps into her arms. The two hug each other joyfully.
Ling-Ling: Oh, Carla! You make Ling-Ling so happy!
Clara: Me too!
They hug for a moment, then kiss. The scene fades. The scene then fades back up on the exterior of the Drawn Together house. The camera cuts to a close-up of the living room door on the interior side. The room is completely dark. The door opens. Clara and Ling-Ling enter carrying their bags.
Clara: Hey, everyone! We're back from the convention! (Nobody responds.) Guys?
Clara reaches over and turns on the lights. Immediately, Wooldoor, Hero, Xandir, and Toot burst out from hiding.
Everyone: SURPRISE!!!
Clara: Oh, my! You guys must have really missed us while we were gone!
Toot: It's not that, Clara!
Clara: Then what-
Clara and Ling-Ling look around. Balloons and party decorations are all over the place. Over the doorway hangs a gigantic banner reading "It's a boy!".
Wooldoor: We just wanted to say... congratulations, Ling-Ling!
Clara: On what? I'm not pregnant YET! (She turns to Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, how did they know we were-
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think there some kind of misunderstanding here.
A very disgruntled Foxxy Love enters the scene.
Foxxy: Goddammit, y'all! This was not what I meant at all! (She rolls her eyes, then walks up to the couple. She looks at Ling-Ling.) So what happened, Ling-Ling? I'm guessing from the fact that you're both back here that you decided not to leave.
Ling-Ling: Yeah. Ling-Ling never leave Carla in a million years. And besides, here funny thing. It turn out baby not even Ling-Ling's anyway!
Foxxy: Really? So you're not even a father after all? (Ling-Ling shakes his head.) So these idiots put up all this party crap for nothing!
Toot: I wouldn't say "nothing", Foxxy! I mean, it's still a party!
Foxxy: That is true! Time to start celebratin' for no good reason!
Hero: (beginning to get intoxicated) Woooooooooooooooooo!
Clara: (looking back at Foxxy and Toot) Okay, Hero is nude already.
Toot: And Wooldoor's rapidly catching up to him!
Foxxy: I kinda think Xandir's ahead of Wooldoor.
Toot: Yeah, well, he had a head start.
Clara: All right. I guess this is officially a Drawn Together party now! All the guys are- wait. All the guys... (Clara suddenly notices that someone is missing.) Wait. Where's Spanky?
Cut to Mrs. Baker's bedroom. Mrs. Baker and Spanky are in bed together, having just finished the deed.
Mrs. Baker: Oh, my!
Spanky: You said it!
Mrs. Baker: That was... oh, my!
Spanky: So does this mean I can come play with your box again tomorrow?
Mrs. Baker: Yes, you certainly may!
Spanky smiles and nods. He and Mrs. Baker lie there for a moment. She turns to him.
Mrs. Baker: Oh, Spanky?
Spanky: Yes?
Mrs. Baker: On your way home, could you please take my tiller back out to the shed and hang it back up on the wall?
Spanky chuckles and grins lasciviously. The scene fades.
THE END
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Toot, Spanky, Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor in the living room watching TV.
Announcer: (on TV) The exact nature of the encounter was unclear, but doctors speculate that Britney's box will never be the same again. In other sports news-
Suddenly the guys notice that Toot is squirming her hips, obviously a bit uncomfortable.
Spanky: Toot, I thought we've been over this. We like you, just... not like that. (He turns to Xandir.) I swear, we go two whole episodes without seeing Marty, this is the kind of thing she's reduced to.
Toot: Oh goddammit, Spanky, that's not what it is!
Spanky: Then what is it?
Toot: I think I have a pimple on my vagina! (She turns in Xandir's direction and opens her legs wide.) Hey, Xandir, could you take a look for me? (She begins pulling her panties down.)
Xandir: (freaked out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (He immediately takes off like a light and dashes out of the room as quickly as he can. Toot and Spanky both snicker. Wooldoor gets up off the couch and begins walking toward Toot.)
Toot: I can't believe we got him with that again!
Spanky: That is one guy who does not care for box!
As Toot continues to laugh, we see that Wooldoor is kneeled over trying to look at Toot's crotch.
Toot: Goddammit, Wooldoor, what the hell are you doing?
Wooldoor: I was just trying to examine your vagina pimple. I'm a doctor, remember?
Toot: Wooldoor, I don't REALLY have a pimple down there.
Wooldoor: Are you sure? Maybe I should put some ointment on it.
Spanky: Hey! I got yer ointment right here! (He begins reaching down the front of his pants. Toot hangs her head in disgust.)
Toot: Oh, God.
Spanky walks over to Toot and hands her a tube.
Spanky: Here. It's a special brand of liniment designed for sensitive areas. I think you'll like it.
Toot: Um, thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: Don't mention it!
Announcer: (on TV) All Paris had to say about the pictures was, "Oh my God, you guys, leave me alone already! My life is not a peep show! At least not until I've had time to fix my hair first!"
Toot: (turning TV off in disgust) And that's enough of that! (She pauses for a moment.) Okay, I'm bored now. (She turns to the others.) I want to go do something this afternoon. What about you guys? You feel like doing something together?
Hero: Sorry, Toot, but I can't! I'm having sex with Foxxy!
Toot: The whole afternoon?
Hero: (angrily) Are you questioning my stamina?
Toot: Sorry I asked. (She turns to the others.) So what about you guys?
Wooldoor: I can't! I'm going to spend the whole day playing with a box!
Spanky: What, like a sandbox?
Wooldoor: No, the kind I always see Captain Hero playing with!
Hero and Spanky's jaws both drop wide open. They turn to each other.
Hero: Did you hear that, Spanky?
Spanky: Yeah! Wooldoor is cool!
Wooldoor: What's the big deal? I've been doing it practically every day this week! (Hero and Spanky continue to stare.)
Spanky: So... whose box have you been playing with, Wooldoor? Unusually Flexible Girl's?
Wooldoor: No! Mrs. Baker, next door!
Hero: Wait. The old lady?
Wooldoor: Yup!
Spanky: Wow!
Hero: Talk about coming of age!
Wooldoor: Hey! I have an idea! You guys should come with me!
Spanky: What, really?
Wooldoor: Yeah, it'll be fun! You guys can play with her box, too!
Spanky: Well... she's a little outside cougar range, but what the hell. If she made a man out of Wooldoor, it couldn't hurt to give her a try!
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks, Spanky!
Spanky: Don't mention it!
Wooldoor: What about you, Hero? You wanna come too?
Hero: I already did!
Toot: Ah. (She gets up.) Now I know what I'm going to spend my afternoon doing. (She begins walking toward the stairs.)
Wooldoor: What's that, Toot?
Toot: Stabbing my eyes out! (She goes upstairs. Wooldoor turns to the guys, confused.)
Wooldoor: I thought Toot stopped mutilating herself when she started dating Marty.
Hero: Maybe Marty has a fetish for blind women.
Wooldoor: He should date Mrs. Baker, then! She isn't blind, but she's extremely nearsighted!
Spanky: Marty can find his own box to play with! I got first crack at Mrs. Baker!
Wooldoor: Huh?
Spanky: Never mind.
As Wooldoor continues to look confused, Spanky grins. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the exterior of a large convention center. Outside it stands a sign reading "International Anime Convention Monday-Saturday". The scene then changes to the interior of the convention center, where we see a costumed Clara and Ling-Ling standing in the midst of a sea of cosplaying anime fans. They are waiting in line at one of the booths.
Clara: Oh wow... I never dreamed there would be this many people here, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, anime not that big. And it not like we live in area with lot of people.
Clara: Ling-Ling, was that sarcasm? Where did you learn to do that?
Ling-Ling smiles and looks at Clara.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling learn from the best.
Clara: (grinning) Why, Ling-Ling...
Ling-Ling: That right!
Clara: You mean Toot, obviously.
Ling-Ling: Who else?
Clara: (looking around) I have to admit, Ling-Ling, being around all these people is kind of intimidating. I don't know who half of these people are supposed to be! I mean, I don't know who two thirds of these people are supposed to be! I mean, I don't know who-
Ling-Ling: Does Carla know who ANYONE here supposed to be?
Clara: You and me! Well, me, at least. Well- who is Sailor Moon again?
Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling not expect Carla to be anime expert. He just glad she willing to share his passion.
Clara: I'll share anything with you, Ling-Ling. And I know you'd do the same for me.
Ling-Ling: You bet! Next time Carla go to Disney convention, Ling-Ling be right there dressed as Tinkerbell!
Clara: Now Ling-Ling, I think Xandir would get mad if you stole his costume!
Ling-Ling: Eh, Xandir can go screw himself.
Clara: I'm sure he's tried.
Ling-Ling: But seriously, Carla, thank you for coming here with Ling-Ling. And dressing up. (He grins at her.)
Clara: (eying him curiously) Ling-Ling... does this costume fulfill some kind of fantasy for you?
Ling-Ling: Maybe.
Clara: (smiling) Why, Ling-Ling! Is that what this is all about? You wanted to score with Sailor Moon? (He continues to smile at her. Clara strokes his head affectionately.) Well, I can't say I blame you.
Ling-Ling: Hey, role-playing work both ways. Ling-Ling wear beard and sandals for Carla, doesn't he?
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling, you do.
Ling-Ling: (stroking one of Clara's long braids) Tonight it Ling-Ling's turn to live out lifelong fantasy!
Clara: (looking at him seductively) I know. It's too bad I've never had any secret desire to get frisky with Hello Kitty.
Ling-Ling: (looking back at her) What if Ling-Ling dress as Godzilla instead?
Clara: Godzilla? Uh, Ling-Ling, I like the small guys, remember? You're a lot closer with Hello Kitty.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling suppose.
Clara: What's wrong, Ling-Ling? Do you not like being Hello Kitty?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling like Hello Kitty fine. He wanted to dress up as Godzilla, though.
Clara: So why didn't you?
Ling-Ling: Carla crazy? They not make Godzilla costume in Ling-Ling size!
Clara: Well, for what it's worth, I think you look adorable as Hello Kitty!
Ling-Ling: Adolable. Yeah. That sure make Ling-Ling look tough. Ling-Ling just hope battle monster buddies not see him like this.
Clara: I don't think you have anything to worry about, Ling-Ling. You're at a huge convention. Nobody knows you here!
At that moment, the person in line in front of them walks off. Clara and Ling-Ling are now at the front of the line. They turn away from their conversation toward the figure manning the souvenir booth. We see that it is none other than Ni-Pul, dressed as the female version of Ranma.
Ling-Ling: Oh, fuck Ling-Ling!
Ni-Pul: Why, herro there, Ring-Ring! Long time no see!
Ling-Ling: Hello, Ni-Pul.
Clara: What's going on, Ling-Ling? Do you two know each other?
Ni-Pul: Oh yes... one might say that Ling-Ling and I know each other in a special way!
Ling-Ling: Yeah! Retarded special!
Ni-Pul: Why all the anger, Ling-Ling? You not like Ni-Pul anymore?
Ling-Ling: Sorry, Ni-Pul. It not you. Ling-Ling just not prepared for surprise like this right now.
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling, I think we need to talk.
Ling-Ling: Yes, Ni-Pul, Ling-Ling think so too.
Ni-Pul: (turning to the very large figure behind her, wearing a Speed Racer costume) Totoro, watch booth for me for a few minutes. I have to go talk Ling-Ling for a while. (Ni-Pul comes out from behind the booth.) Here. We go to hotel bar and have chat.
Ling-Ling: Okay. (He turns to Clara.) Carla come along?
Clara: No, thanks. I mean, YOU'RE fine, Ling-Ling, but being around TWO people who talk like that? I'm not sure the grammar Nazi in me could take it.
Ling-Ling: Okay, then. Ling-Ling meet you back in hotel room later on, okay?
Clara: Sounds good. I'll just explore the place on my own for a while.
As Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul walk off together, Clara looks around, trying to take everything in. A slightly confused look begins to form on her face.
Clara: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear all of these people were supposed to be Asians! (She shrugs.)
Clara (in confessional): Those thigh high boots were NOT agreeing with my feet, so I thought I'd head for the lounge and sit down for a while.
Cut to the lounge. Clara walks in and sees a solitary unoccupied chair.
Clara: Ah!
Clara begins to walk briskly toward the chair. However, she proceeds to collide with a tall figure in her path.
Clara: Oh! Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Figure: It's all right.
Suddenly, Clara gets a good look at the figure. The figure is also dressed as Sailor Moon.
Clara: (playfully) Oh, darn! We should have phoned each other before we left!
Figure: (taking a cigarette out of its mouth and inhaling deeply) Why is that?
Clara: Well, because we both wore the same thing.
Figure: Oh. I see.
Clara: Hang on a second. Your voice. It sounds a little... husky. And your legs... they're so hairy. Unless you're French, you're... you're a man, aren't you? (The figure turns and faces Clara.)
Figure: Yes, I'm a man. Why is that so surprising?
Clara: Well, it's just that I didn't expect a MAN to come to a convention dressed as Sailor Moon! You're not gay, are you?
Figure: No. To be honest, I only wore this costume because it meant I didn't have to wear pants. (He puffs his cigarette again.) If there's one thing I've never cared for, it's pants.
Clara: I see.
Figure: (holding his hand out) I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself. My name is Chase Huffington.
Clara: (shaking his hand) Hello, Chase. I'm Clara.
Chase: There are some who call me rebellious.
Clara: Well, if you're rebellious for not wearing pants, then I live in a DEN of rebels!
Chase: You don't wear pants either.
Clara: Yes, well, I'm a girl. I don't have to.
Chase: Why must the acceptability of pantslessness be determined by gender? It's unfair, if you ask me.
Clara: I think it may have something to do with the fact that women have nicer legs than men.
Chase: Oh, so only PRETTY people should be allowed to go pantsless.
Clara: Chase, you have to understand. I come from a very traditional place where old-fashioned gender roles are adhered to unconditionally. The men are the breadwinners, while the women just stay home and cook and raise the children. The only women in my kingdom who work are either servants or whores... or both.
Chase: I guess it would really piss your daddy off if he saw his little girl wearing pants one day.
Clara: Yes. Yes, it would.
Clara (in confessional): Note to self. Remember to wear pants the next time I visit Daddy at the castle.
Chase: Well, Clara... since you're pantsless, and I'm pantsless, what say you and me go back to my hotel room and share our pantslessness together? (Clara's eyes pop wide open.)
Clara: (hesitantly) Chase, I appreciate the invitation, but I'm married.
Chase: So is there a rule that married people can't lounge around watching television together? In my opinion, watching television is the perfect pantsless activity.
Clara: Thanks. But if it's all the same to you, I think I'll go back to my own room and be pantsless solo.
Chase: I like to enjoy my pantslessness solo sometimes too!
Clara: (slightly weirded out) Of course you do. Um... bye! (She waves, then quickly takes off. Chase stands looking after her.)
Chase: Nice girl. I admire her devotion to not wearing pants. I'll have to tell my brother about her. He'll be furious!
Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling feel bad that he leave Ni-Pul hanging when he get together with Carla. But one minute, they in love and want to spend rest of life together, then next thing Ling-Ling know, she say she going back to Battle Monster Training Academy to improve skills as fighter! (Ling-Ling begins to think.) Wait- was that before or after religious vegetable kill both of them in bed?
Cut to the hotel bar. Ni-Pul sits at the counter as Ling-Ling walks in. He hops up onto a barstool besides Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: Herro, Ring-Ring.
Ling-Ling: Hello, Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: So how you been?
Ling-Ling: Good, Ni-Pul. Good.
Ni-Pul: You ever get American citizenship you were hoping for?
Ling-Ling: Yes, Ling-Ling get citizenship. How about Ni-Pul?
Ni-Pul: I get citizenship too. Pass Battle Monster Training Course, awarded honorary certificate of American citizenship as well as $30 gift certificate to Ninjagear.com!
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul make ninja? Wow! Ling-Ling always want to be ninja, but never get chance!
Ni-Pul: Why not, Ling-Ling? Why you not continue battle monster training like Ni-Pul so Ling-Ling make ninja like she did?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get sidetracked... he develop other priorities.
Ni-Pul: Like what?
Ling-Ling: Look, Ni-Pul... before Ling-Ling get into that... he think Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul need to talk about where things left between them.
Clara (in confessional): (holding her head and writhing in pain) No... I'm not even IN that story at the moment and my brain is pounding! All the broken English... help me!
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, Ling-Ling realize he and Ni-Pul never officially break up. But Ni-Pul go away, he not sure if she interested in him anymore, and Ling-Ling... well, he-
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling find somebody else?
Ling-Ling: How Ni-Pul know?
Ni-Pul: You live on a damn TV reality show! I know you married that damn princess bitch, I saw it on TV!
Ling-Ling: Oh.
Ni-Pul: I never would have thought that Ling-Ling, the fiercest warrior in all of Asia... would lose his heart to a (she sneers the words) HUMAN WOMAN! And not even geisha, you go and marry woman from the West! I swear, Ling-Ling, you bring disgrace to all of Asia!
Ling-Ling: Seriously, all of Asia? Ling-Ling marrying Western woman somehow more disgraceful than evil Communist genocide and ritual sacrifice of girl babies?
Ni-Pul: Genocide tragic but honorable. Marrying Western bitch not honorable.
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, Ling-Ling understand you not happy about what Ling-Ling do. But Ling-Ling swear, if you call Carla bitch one more time, Ling-Ling feel sudden urge to sacrifice girl baby about five years too late!
Ni-Pul: Wait. What?
Ling-Ling: Um, that you, Ni-Pul. Ling-Ling mean if you badmouth Carla again, he kill you.
Ni-Pul: Fair enough. Ling-Ling get mad, I lay off Western bitch.
Ling-Ling: Thank you.
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling, look. I understand that you make promise to one you call Carla. But Ling-Ling not forget, he make promise of same nature to Ni-Pul first!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess that true. And he very sorry he not keep promise. But he not know where relationship with Ni-Pul stand... and then Carla come along, and...
Ni-Pul: I know, I know, she turn Ling-Ling's head around and make him fall in love with her, forget all about Ni-Pul.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling really sorry. If there any way he can make it up to Ni-Pul, he be glad to do so.
Ni-Pul: Actually, now that you mention it... there IS something you can do to help Ni-Pul out.
Ling-Ling: What that?
Ni-Pul: You help Ni-Pul care for child!
Ling-Ling: What? Ni-Pul have baby while Ling-Ling away? Look who talking about honor!
Ni-Pul: It not dishonorable to have baby! I mean, sure, maybe if baby was girl, but I not have girl! I have son!
Ling-Ling: Be as that it may.
Ni-Pul: What?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling just saying it very hypocritical of Ni-Pul to harass Ling-Ling for not being faithful to her when clearly she not faithful to Ling-Ling either!
Ni-Pul: What you mean, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: What Ni-Pul mean what Ling-Ling mean? Ling-Ling get married, but Ni-Pul- she go and have baby! How that not even more dishonorable than what Ling-Ling do?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling, your act dishonorable because you go and take up relations with some other woman. But Ni-Pul, she not take up relations with another man.
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul saying another girl get Ni-Pul pregnant? Ling-Ling have to check, but he pretty sure it not work that way.
Ni-Pul: No, Ling-Ling. What I saying is, this baby I speak of... is YOURS!
Ling-Ling gasps and puts his hands to his face.
Ling-Ling: Yoko Ono!
The "dun dun dun" tone plays.
The scene cuts to the exterior of a simple-looking house in the suburbs. Spanky and Wooldoor walk up to the door. Wooldoor pushes the doorbell. From inside we hear a voice.
Mrs. Baker: (voice) Just a minute, I'm making fudge!
Spanky: Damn, is this my kind of woman or what? (The door opens.)
Mrs. Baker: Why hello, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Hello, Mrs. Baker!
Mrs. Baker: I see you brought a friend today!
Wooldoor: I did! This is Spanky!
Mrs. Baker: Why, hello, Spanky!
Spanky: (coolly) Hey, sweet thing.
Mrs. Baker: Have you come to play in my box again, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I sure have!
Mrs. Baker: And you seem so eager, too.
Wooldoor: I love your box!
Mrs. Baker: Oh, my, I never would have expected that old box I have to draw so much attention from you youngsters!
Wooldoor: Old boxes are the best kind of boxes! (Spanky looks at Wooldoor.)
Mrs. Baker: You think so?
Wooldoor: Just between you and me, new boxes kinda smell funny.
Mrs. Baker: I suppose you're right, Wooldoor. Although to be honest, I can't say I go around smelling boxes.
Spanky: (cynically) I bet you don't.
Mrs. Baker: Well, my fudge still has a few minutes left to bake. Why don't you run along out to the tool shed and I'll join you there in a few minutes?
Spanky: (confused) The tool shed? Why- (Suddenly, a thought occurs to him. He muses to himself.) Damn, this chick is kinky!
Wooldoor: Okay! Come on, Spanky! (Wooldoor immediately runs off in the direction of the tool shed. Spanky turns to Mrs. Baker.)
Spanky: Oh, Mrs. Baker? Can I ask you something?
Mrs. Baker: What is it, Spanky?
Spanky: Um, about your box. Um... can I play in it after Wooldoor's done?
Mrs. Baker: You don't have to wait, Spanky. There's plenty of room for you both in there!
Spanky's jaw drops open.
The scene changes back to the convention. Clara and Ling-Ling are now back in their hotel room sitting on the bed. Except for her wig and boots, which are off to the side, Clara is still in costume. Ling-Ling is rubbing her feet.
Clara: Oh, thank you, Ling-Ling, that feels wonderful! Those boots- I don't know how Foxxy and Xandir wear those things day-in day-out. (She looks at Ling-Ling.) I'm telling you, Ling-Ling, since I've been married to you, my resistance to foot pain has gone right down the drain!
Ling-Ling: This mean Carla looking forward to being barefoot and pregnant someday?
Clara: Well, I don't know about THAT... (Ling-Ling looks down slightly disappointed. Clara does not notice.) So, Ling-Ling, you haven't told me yet who your friend was.
Ling-Ling: Oh. That Ni-Pul.
Clara: I'm guessing by the way you two reacted to each other that she's an ex?
Ling-Ling: (sighs) Yeah. She woman that Ni-Pul dated before you.
Clara: Oh, wow! So... you dumped her for me?
Ling-Ling: Kind of. Ni-Pul go away for a while... it complicated.
Clara: So what was she wanting?
Ling-Ling: Er... Ling-Ling tell you later, if that okay. He and Ni-Pul still have some issues to work out.
Clara: What's going on, Ling-Ling? Should I be worried?
Ling-Ling: No. Believe me, Ling-Ling know where heart lie. He just have to tie up loose ends.
Clara: What kind of loose ends are you talking about, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla... it complicated. He and Ni-Pul not leave things in good place, he just not want Carla to get caught in the middle.
Clara: Oh. I see.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling promise Carla he get everything worked out. Just leave it to Ling-Ling.
Clara: Okay, Ling-Ling. I trust you. (At that moment, there is a knock at the door.) Oh, I didn't know you ordered room service!
Ling-Ling scowls. He puts Clara's feet down and hops off the bed. He walks over to the door and opens it. Ni-Pul stands in the doorway holding a bundle.
Ni-Pul: Herro, Ring-Ring! (She holds out the bundle.) I bring you visitor!
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. Listen, Ni-Pul. About so-called "visitor"-
Ni-Pul: (looking inside the hotel room) Oh, Ling-Ling! You have such big hotel room! So much bigger than mine! Of course, guest quarters always nicer than employee- (Suddenly, she catches sight of Clara and gasps. Clara, sitting idly on the bed, looks confused.) Ugh! What Western bitch doing here?
Ling-Ling: This our hotel room, Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: I not talk to you if Western bitch here!
Ling-Ling: Fine! Then Ni-Pul go away!
Ni-Pul: Oh, no, Ling-Ling. I talk to you! Western bitch have to leave!
Ling-Ling: How many times Ling-Ling have to tell you Carla not Western bitch?
Ni-Pul: Fine. She not Western bitch. But Western non-bitch still have to leave.
Clara: (getting off the bed and walking over to the pair) Now wait just a minute! I'm not going to let some stranger kick me out of my own hotel room so you can talk to my husband!
Ni-Pul: I not stranger! I love of Ling-Ling's life!
Ling-Ling glares at Ni-Pul angrily for a moment. Finally, he sighs and turns to Clara.
Ling-Ling: Carla? Perhaps you should leave for a bit. Ling-Ling think he have to straighten this one out himself.
Clara: Are you sure, Ling-Ling? I mean, this is OUR room. We can have security kick her out if we have to.
Ling-Ling: No. That okay.
Clara: Well... all right. If it's what you think is best. (Clara walks over to her suitcase and gets out a pair of flip-flops and puts them on.) I guess I'll go hang out in the lobby for a while.
Ling-Ling: Thanks. (Clara walks to the door. Ling-Ling calls to her as she is about to step out.) Carla? (Clara turns to him.) Everything be okay... Ling-Ling promise.
Clara: I trust you.
With that, Clara walks out the door. The camera view shifts to the hallway as Clara closes the door behind her. She pauses and stands silent for a moment, reflecting on things. She then gathers herself and begins walking down the hallway. She sees Chase, still in costume, walking toward her with two other people.
Clara: (in mild frustration) Oh, God!
Clara quickly looks around and sees there is nowhere to hide. She turns and takes off in the opposite direction toward the ice machine. We see that the hallway dead ends at the ice machine. Chase and his friends continue walking down the hall toward Clara. Clara turns to the ice machine in a panic. We see that the machine is nestled snugly into a corridor, leaving no room underneath or beside it for hiding. Not knowing what else to do, Clara lifts the lid to the storage compartment. She does the sign of the cross, and bracing herself for the cold, dives in on top of the huge pile of ice. The lid swings shut behind her. The party reaches the spot where Clara was standing. We see that Chase's companions are Charlotte and his brother Chad, dressed as Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist and Naruto, respectively. Chad unlocks the door to their room.
Chad Huffington: Well... time to get back to our room! I just hope that you two don't keep me up all night again, Charlotte and my rebellious brother Chase!
Chase: I don't understand why all three of us have to share one room. Why can't Charlotte and I-
Charlotte: We have to be in the same room! Okay? It's just more convenient for me- er... I mean.... Oh, I don't have to explain it, that's just how it is!
Chad Huffington: Well, all right, Charlotte. You always do know best. At least YOU had the decency to choose a character who wears pants!
Chase: She's not going to be wearing those pants for long.
Chad Huffington: Huh?
Charlotte: Never mind. (She turns to Chase.) Hey, Chase, could you go get us some ice?
Chase: Why do I have to get the ice?
Charlotte: Because it's Chad's turn fir- er... I mean. (She leans over to Chase and whispers in his ear.) You get me some cold stuff now and I'll make it hot for you later!
Chase: Fair enough. (As Chad and Charlotte walk back into the room, Chase grabs a bucket and walks over to the ice machine. He opens it with a surprised expression.) What the hell? (Chad pops back in the doorway. We see Chase pulling an embarrassed and shivering Clara out of the ice compartment.) Clara?
Clara: (covering her arms and holding her legs together to keep warm) Hi, Chase!
Chad Huffington: Oh, dear! Whatever was that pantsless thing doing in the ice machine?
Chase: Never mind. We have to do something to help get this girl warmed up.
Clara: (still shivering) Thanks, Chase.
Chase: Chad! Give her your pants! (Chad gasps in horror.)
Chad Huffington: No! Not my pants!
Chase: Here, Clara, come back inside with us and I'll get you a blanket.
Clara: Okay.
Chase ushers Clara into the room, then he and Chad follow her inside. As soon as all three parties are out of view, we hear Clara let out a mild scream.
Clara: (inside room) Oh, my God!
Charlotte: (inside room) What? You never see a vagina with a pimple on it before?
The scene changes back to Ling-Ling's room.
Ling-Ling: All right, Ni-Pul. What that thing you holding?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling? Is that any way to talk about your son?
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. About that. Ling-Ling not think that Ling-Ling's son Ni-Pul holding.
Ni-Pul: (shocked) And what make Ling-Ling say that?
Ling-Ling: Do the math. Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul both Asian, they should be pretty good at that.
Ni-Pul: All right.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul break up over two years ago. Closer to three. Everyone know that three battle monster years equal twenty-one human years. If Ling-Ling conceive child with Ni-Pul before she go away, battle monster should be as big as Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul now!
Ni-Pul: Child have Gary Coleman disease, not grow up.
Ling-Ling: Everyone know only ones vulnerable to that disease are sassy black children from popular 80s sitcoms!
Ni-Pul: Uh... Ling-Ling have affair. Get drunk, cheat on wife, knock up Ni-Pul.
Ling-Ling: No...
Ni-Pul: All right, fine, fine, I tell you. I steal guys.
Ling-Ling: (shocked) What? Ni-Pul steal Ling-Ling guys?
Ni-Pul: I take them from Ling-Ling when he sleeping, keep them frozen, have baby later!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling still not believe you. He still not think that Ling-Ling kid!
Ni-Pul: Oh, this Ling-Ling kid, all right. I prove it to you.
Ling-Ling looks at Ni-Pul attentively. She holds out the bundle to him. She pushes back the blanket so the child's face can be seen clearly. The child looks exactly like a miniature version of Ling-Ling. He gasps. The "dun dun dun" tone plays.
The scene changes to Mrs. Baker's house. Spanky and Wooldoor are now in the tool shed. Wooldoor is playing in a very large refrigerator box while Spanky looks around at all the garden implements hanging from the walls.
Spanky: Wow... would you look at all this stuff? I mean, sure, they SEEM like ordinary garden tools. But they're not. Funny thing, though. (He grins and puts his hands together.) Mrs. Baker doesn't have a garden!
Wooldoor: (inside box) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! This is fun!
Spanky: And even if she DID have a garden... why would she send Wooldoor and me out HERE of all places when there's a perfectly good bedroom just raring to go?
Wooldoor: I love playing in this box! This is just like the time Captain Hero and I built box forts out of all the boxes in the attic and played with them all day!
Spanky: Not now, Wooldoor! I'm trying to think! Let's see, I could seduce her into plain old vanilla sex until I get a good read on her... then maybe once I know what I'm dealing with, we can introduce the garden tools into things.
Wooldoor: (He begins singing.) I'm living in a box, I'm living in a cardboard box...
Spanky: Now what do I want to start with? The rake? The shovel? Oh, I know! I'll just do what my dad always taught me! When you're in doubt where your next orgasm is coming from... (he grabs a long handled object off the wall)... just grab a hoe! (We see that Spanky is holding a garden hoe.)
Wooldoor: Spanky, are you going to come play in this box with me?
Spanky: Later, Wooldoor. I'm waiting for Mrs. Baker to come back. (He looks outside.) Ah, here she is! (Spanky grins and tosses the hoe to the ground.)
The camera angle changes to Mrs. Baker walking up to the shed with a tray of fudge and two glasses of lemonade.
Mrs. Baker: Here you go, boys! I brought you some refreshments! (Wooldoor pops out of the box.)
Wooldoor: Thank you, Mrs. Baker!
Mrs. Baker: Spanky, would you like some fudge? Or some lemonade? (There is no answer.) Spanky?
She and Wooldoor turn toward Spanky. He is completely nude and grinning at Mrs. Baker lasciviously. Wooldoor's eyes bug out, but Mrs. Baker just looks confused.
Spanky: I got yer lemonade right here!
Mrs. Baker: (staring at Spanky's penis) Spanky?
Spanky: Yes, Mrs. Baker?
Mrs. Baker: Spanky, why did you get my tiller down off the wall?
Spanky: Huh?
Mrs. Baker: My tiller. It was right up there on the wall next to my-
Mrs. Baker looks at the wall and sees that the tiller is still there. She looks back down at Spanky. Suddenly it dawns on her that she is not seeing the tiller, but Spanky's penis. The only emotion she can register is surprise.
Mrs Baker: Oh, my!
Cut back to Ling-Ling's room.
Ling-Ling: Yoko Ono! Ni-Pul *do* have Ling-Ling's son!
Ni-Pul: I tell you I do! Now you believe me?
Ling-Ling: Yes. Ling-Ling believe you. That definitely Ling-Ling's son. (Ni-Pul smiles satisfactorily.) Okay, Ni-Pul. You win. Ling-Ling help you support child.
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling darn right he do! This mean you share Ling family wealth with Ni-Pul?
Ling-Ling: Actually... Ling-Ling share of family money tied up in trust fund. He not able to touch any of it until father die or sign away control of money to Ling-Ling. And given father cataracts, he usually just end up writing "Pepsi-Cola" on contract instead of his name.
Ni-Pul: (not impressed) Uh huh.
Ling-Ling: But it okay! Ling-Ling get job, he send Ni-Pul child support checks through the mail.
Ni-Pul: Through mail? Ling-Ling crazy?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not understand.
Ni-Pul: Child not need child support checks, child need home!
Ling-Ling: Child have home with Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: That not enough! Child need home with father too!
Ling-Ling: What Ni-Pul suggest Ling-Ling do? Let Ni-Pul move in with he and Carla?
Ni-Pul: Move in with her? Ha! Not a chance!
Ling-Ling: Then what?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling leave one he call Carla, come back to Asia, raise baby with Ni-Pul.
Ling-Ling: You know Ling-Ling not able to do that, Ni-Pul.
Ni-Pul: And why not? You worry about what Western bi- (Ling-Ling glares at Ni-Pul. Spikes are starting to form. Ni-Pul quickly reconsiders her words.) - about what wife say?
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, please try to understand. Ling-Ling have life with Carla now. He love her... he not want to leave her for anything!
Ni-Pul: Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, Ling-Ling. Especially when honor at stake.
Ling-Ling: What honor have to do with this?
Ni-Pul: Seem like Ling-Ling trying to get out of child rearing duties. That veeeeeeeery dishonorable!
Ling-Ling: It not like Ling-Ling choose to have child! You steal Ling-Ling guys! Look who talking about honor! It not Ling-Ling's fault you get pregnant! Ling-Ling do nothing wrong here!
Ni-Pul: Technically not. But if I go back to Asia alone with child everyone can tell is Ling-Ling's just by looking at it... people still think of Ling-Ling shamefully.
Ling-Ling: (sighing in despair) Please, Ni-Pul. Don't do this. We work something out, Ling-Ling promise.
Ni-Pul: Only way for Ling-Ling to save face is come back to Asia with Ni-Pul and raise baby as mother and father.
Ling-Ling: All right... on one condition.
Ni-Pul: Western bitch can't come too! (Ling-Ling becomes angry.)
Ling-Ling: Goddammit, why not?
Ni-Pul: You talk about honor, Ling-Ling? Well, how THAT honorable? Living in household with loyal wife raising child while carrying on with Western geisha right in front of everyone's eyes? Ni-Pul think people will consider that even MORE shameful!
Ling-Ling: So basically, Ni-Pul saying that only way for Ling-Ling to retain any sense of honor is for him to marry Ni-Pul, raise child, and never see Carla again.
Ni-Pul: Bingo. (Ling-Ling sighs mournfully.) So what Ling-Ling say?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have to think about it a while. Okay, Ni-Pul?
Ni-Pul: Ling-Ling need to talk it over with wife first?
Ling-Ling: Just... leave Ling-Ling alone for a while, okay?
Ni-Pul: Fine. (Holding the child, she turns toward the door.) I come back tomorrow morning. In meantime... Ling-Ling can enjoy one last night with Western bi- (Ni-Pul waits for Ling-Ling to admonish her. However, Ling-Ling just looks down sadly. She corrects herself anyway.) - with Carla.
Ling-Ling does not answer. Ni-Pul walks out, closing the door behind her. Ling-Ling continues to look down, lost in thought.
Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling not know what to do. He know in his heart he never be able to leave Carla. But at the same time he know he still have duty to Ni-Pul and child... even if child not his fault. Ling-Ling decide to turn to only person who he think might have an answer.
Cut back to the Drawn Together house. The scene cuts to Hero's bedroom. The lights are off, and two figures are obviously getting frisky underneath the covers.
Hero: (under the covers) Oh, yeah, baby, I know how you like it!
Foxxy: (under the covers) That's right, baby! You give it to the Foxxy!
Hero: Oh, I'm giving it to her! I'm giving it to her so hard some of it's coming back to me!
Foxxy: Well, then, you can just give it to me again!
Hero: Oh, yeah, baby!
As Hero and Foxxy continue to roll around, the phone suddenly rings. Foxxy springs out from underneath the sheets to answer it.
Foxxy: (answering phone) Hello?
Hero: Foxxy! I can't believe you actually answered the phone in the middle of sex!
Foxxy: (turning to Hero) Well, I can't help it, it might be important!
Hero: More important than munching your box?
Foxxy: (brushing Hero aside and returning to the phone) I'm sorry. May I ask who's calling?
Ling-Ling: Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ling-Ling! How's it going at the convention?
Ling-Ling: Eh... convention okay. Foxxy, Ling-Ling have something he need to talk to you about.
Foxxy: What's that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Foxxy... you remember Ni-Pul?
Foxxy: Your little purple friend? The one you were dating before Clara?
Ling-Ling: That right. Well... she at convention too.
Foxxy: Oh, lordy! That's got to be pretty awkward!
Ling-Ling: Chocolate animal woman not even know the half of it.
Foxxy: What's going on?
Ling-Ling: Foxxy, Ni-Pul have baby. And not just any baby. Ling-Ling's son.
Foxxy: Oh, lordy! Ling-Ling, are you sure it's your son?
Ling-Ling: Yes. Ling-Ling sure. Trust me, you see child, you not question it belong to Ling-Ling.
Foxxy: I see. So what are you worried about? Are you worried Clara will get mad?
Ling-Ling: No. Ling-Ling know Carla understand. At least... he know Carla understand THAT. He not so sure about other thing.
Foxxy: What other thing?
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul ask Ling-Ling to leave Carla and come back to Asia and raise child with her.
Foxxy: What? She can't do that!
Ling-Ling: She did! And what worse, she say if I not go back with her, it bring eternal shame on Ling-Ling! He lose any shred of honor he ever had!
Foxxy: So why don't you just take-
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling already ask if he can take Carla with him, Ni-Pul say that no good.
Foxxy: Oh, wow. Then I guess you're really stuck.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know he not have it in his heart to leave Carla. But if he bring shame to family... Ling-Ling not sure how he ever be able to live with himself.
Foxxy: Right. I remember how important honor is to you, Ling-Ling. And it sounds to me like this girl's making you choose between honor and love.
Ling-Ling: Yes... yes, that exactly what she doing.
Foxxy: Well, if I was in your shoes, Ling-Ling, I'd just tell that bitch where she could stick her little ultimatum. But... I know you can't do that.
Ling-Ling: No.
Foxxy: That's a tough one, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: I know.
Foxxy: Well, if it's any comfort to you, Ling-Ling, I know that whatever you decide... Clara will still love you all the same.
Ling-Ling: I know. (He sighs again.) Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: You're welcome, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling hangs up on his end. After doing the same, Foxxy sits still on the bed for a moment looking thoughtful. Her reflection, however, is then broken by something happening out of view underneath the covers. Her look changes to one of annoyance.
Foxxy: Goddammit, Hero, get out of there! I'm trying to think!
Hero: (popping his head out from under the covers) Sorry! (Hero lies down beside Foxxy. She turns to him.) So who was that, Foxxy?
Foxxy: That was Ling-Ling, Hero. Apparently he's a father now.
Hero: Really? He actually found a way to get it all the way in Clara?
Foxxy: No, Hero. Clara ain't the mother. Apparently, Ling-Ling's ex-girlfriend showed up at the anime convention and said that-
At that moment, Xandir pops his head in the doorway.
Xandir: Hey, guys! Fernando and I are about to have butt sex and I was wondering if you had any tips on how to-
Foxxy: Xandir, I am not in the mood right now, okay?
Xandir: But Foxxy, it's the first time we've done it since I had my boyzillian! (Foxxy sighs in frustration.) Speaking of which... I'll probably need to find a new salon to go to, cause I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go back to that one anymore.
Foxxy thinks for a moment, then turns to Xandir.
Foxxy: Hey, Xandir. (He looks at her. Foxxy quickly throws the covers off her legs and turns toward Xandir, opening her legs as wide as she can.) Look! Box!
Xandir: (freaked out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (He immediately dashes out of the room as quickly as he can. Foxxy turns back to Hero.)
Foxxy: Hero, remind me tomorrow to thank Toot.
Hero: You got it!
Foxxy: Now where were we? Oh, right, you were about to show me how a Zebulonian vagina meld works!
Foxxy and Hero get back under the covers and resume their activity.
The scene changes back to the hallway of the hotel. It is the following morning, and the hallway is silent. After a moment, the door to Chase's room opens. A clearly traumatized Clara staggers out of the room wearing nothing but her sack dress. She does not speak. Very slowly she starts to make her way back to her own room. Chase, wearing his Sailor Moon skirt and nothing else, calls after her.
Chase: Clara! Wait! (Clara stops and turns, but says nothing. Her eyes are glazed over, her emotion almost completely numb. Chase runs up to her and puts his hands on her shoulders.) Clara... look, I know you're traumatized about what happened in there. Just let me try to explain why I did what I did to you, okay? When a man loves a woman very, very much, he sometimes wants to... do things to her. Things which she might consider frightening or even painful at first, but which over time, she comes to enjoy. And Clara... I love Charlotte very, very much.
Clara: But I still don't see why you made me watch!
Chase: Charlotte thinks it's more exciting that way!
Clara: Look. I don't know what kind of weird situation is going on between you three, but... please, leave me out of it. Okay? I just want to go back to my own room and my loving husband. Okay?
Chase: Okay, Clara. (Clara turns and starts to walk back to her door. Chase stops her once again.) Clara, wait!
Clara: What is it now, Chase?
Chase: Clara... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause any trouble. It was just that you didn't really seem to be fitting in here... you just looked to me like someone who was lonely and confused and just needed a friend. That's all.
Clara: Well, yes, Chase. I am confused. And I won't lie, I'm quite a bit out of my element at this convention, so... yeah, I do feel a bit awkward. But I'm not lonely. Not as long as I have Ling-Ling. (Chase nods solemnly.) But... thank you for being a friend.
Chase: No problem. (Clara starts to turn, but Chase stops her again.) Oh, Clara, wait. There's one more thing. (Chase quickly dashes back into his room and returns bearing Clara's clothes.) Here's your Sailor Moon outfit and your flip-flops. (He hands Clara her things.)
Clara: Thanks.
Chase: Now don't go diving into any more ice compartments, okay?
Clara: I won't.
Chase smiles and nods to Clara. She smiles back. Chase turns around and walks back to his room. Clara turns and goes into her own room.
Clara: (as she enters the room) Ling-Ling, I can explain why I didn't come back to the room last night. It's a long story, but it involves an ice machine, some pants, and a whole bunch of sexual acts I don't think even FOXXY'S ever heard of before!
Ling-Ling, standing on the bed, turns to Clara.
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla, Ling-Ling have something to tell you.
Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla, after you leave last night, Ni-Pul show Ling-Ling something.
Clara: (shocked) Why, that whore! For God's sake, you're married! She doesn't need to be showing you that!
Ling-Ling: Carla... Ni-Pul show Ling-Ling little battle monster.
Clara: Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?
Ling-Ling: No, Carla. Ling-Ling mean Ni-Pul show him baby.
Clara: Oh. A baby. So how does this impact (she gestures to herself and Ling-Ling) us?
Ling-Ling: (sighs) Baby is Ling-Ling's son.
Clara: Oh wow! Ling-Ling, are you sure?
Ling-Ling: Yes. Ling-Ling sure.
Clara: So you're a... a father?
Ling-Ling: Yes.
Clara: Oh, wow.
Ling-Ling: Carla mad?
Clara: Mad? I can't be mad, Ling-Ling. I mean, I would only have the right to be mad if you cheated on me. And I know you didn't do that.
Ling-Ling: No.
Clara: Although we *have* been married nearly three years now. How is it that the child is still a baby? (A thought comes to her.) Oh! Does it have that Gary Coleman disease?
Ling-Ling: No... Ni-Pul steal Ling-Ling guys and make herself pregnant.
Clara: She stole your what?
Ling-Ling: Sperm.
Clara: Oh. Guys are sperm? (She thinks.) Wait a minute... that time that Spanky told me that he was going to play poker with the guys... (she scrunches her face) Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Ling-Ling: Actually, in that instance, Ling-Ling think honorable pig demon mean ACTUAL guys. (He thinks again.) Although with Spanky, you never know.
Clara: (refocusing) Well... so anyway. So what's going to happen next? Does she want us to take the baby?
Ling-Ling: No... Ni-Pul keeping baby.
Clara: And she wants you to pay child support?
Ling-Ling: Sort of.
Clara: Sort of?
Ling-Ling: She want me to come back to Asia with her and raise baby.
Clara: Go back to Asia? But Ling-Ling- our life is here!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know.
Clara: Well... I guess I could go to Asia. I mean, Daddy does have that private helicopter, I could have him shuttle us back and forth between Asia and the Drawn Together house on weekends so we can visit our friends. Or maybe we can just invite them all to come live in Asia with us! I mean, it's a pretty big place. I'm sure there's room!
Ling-Ling: No, Carla. That not what Ni-Pul want. She want Ling-Ling to come back to Asia with her... alone.
Clara: Alone?
Ling-Ling: She say Carla can't come.
Clara: But... why not?
Ling-Ling: Carla not understand how Asian society work. If Ling-Ling return there with wife and child, he expected to live with her, be good family man!
Clara: And let me guess. Being a good family man means not being seen with some Western bitch.
Ling-Ling: (getting angry) Hey! Stop calling Carla Western bitch, you goddamn- oh, wait. Ling-Ling guess it okay for Carla to call herself bitch. (Clara smiles.) Even if Ling-Ling disagree. (Clara continues smiling, even as a tear starts to form in her eye. She puts her hand to her heart.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling. (She takes his hand. She is beginning to cry at this point.) I don't know if I can do it. I know it's your decision, but... (Clara can hold back no more at this point and begins sobbing.) I don't know if I can let you go!
Ling-Ling, on the verge of tears himself, hugs Clara. She begins crying on his shoulder. Ling-Ling tries to think of the words to say to her, but can't come up with a way to express his thoughts. Clara straightens up and pulls herself together somewhat, though still tearful.
Clara: So what have you told her, Ling-Ling? Anything?
Ling-Ling: Not yet.
Clara: (sniffling) Well... (She sniffles some more before finally pulling herself together enough to speak.) Ling-Ling, I know that you love me more than anything. But at the same time, I understand that you feel a duty. I know how important honor is to you... and I can understand you not wanting to bring shame to your family. But it just seems like... (She looks up at the sky angrily and clenches her fists.) Goddammit, it just seems like there should be a way for you to have it both ways!
Ling-Ling merely looks down solemnly. Clara turns back to Ling-Ling. Tearfully, she hugs him again. Neither says a word. The two continue to just sit on the bed hugging each other, seemingly holding onto each other for dear life. Finally, the moment is interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. Clara and Ling-Ling let go and turn to see a stern looking Ni-Pul holding the baby.
Ni-Pul: Ni-Pul hate to interrupt Ling-Ling's tender moment with whore, but I here to see if Ling-Ling make decision.
Clara: (holding up a finger) Um... not that I don't trust you or anything, but I'd like some proof that baby belongs to Ling-Ling. Could we hold off on the decision making until I see a paternity test?
Ni-Pul: I got your paternity test right here! (She holds up the baby. Clara sees clearly that the baby looks exactly like Ling-Ling.)
Clara: Oh, my! (She turns her head and mutters to herself.) Yes, that's definitely Ling-Ling's baby.
Ling-Ling hops off the bed and walks over to Ni-Pul. He looks at her determinedly.
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul... Ling-Ling give you one last chance to reconsider his offer. Take baby, take Ling-Ling child support money. Just leave him in peace to enjoy life with Carla.
Ni-Pul: No! Either leave whore and come with me or bring eternal shame to family forever! Those only two options!
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul, please...
Ni-Pul: You hear me, Ling-Ling! You know what question is, you give me answer right now!
Ling-Ling: You determined to make Ling-Ling choose between love and honor... in that case, Ling-Ling only have one thing to say.
Ni-Pul looks at Ling-Ling, waiting for his answer. From the bed, Clara looks on anxiously, her hands clasped together in a prayer-like fashion. Ling-Ling turns to Ni-Pul with a determined look in his eyes.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling say... FUCK honor!
Ni-Pul is completely taken aback. Though she does not say a word, Clara throws her fists in the air triumphantly and looks gratefully toward the sky. Breathing a sigh of relief, she looks back at Ling-Ling and Ni-Pul again.
Ni-Pul: Oh, purrrrrrrease! Ling-Ling honestly expect me to believe that he care more about some Western whore than about thing Asians value more than anything else? Honor?
Ling-Ling: Ni-Pul... let me explain something to you. Ling-Ling and Carla love each other more than anything. For Ling-Ling to walk out on woman he love knowing how badly he break her heart... sorry, Ni-Pul, but Ling-Ling find nothing honorable about that. (Ni-Pul scoffs. Ling-Ling is not deterred.) Ni-Pul, this whole time, Ling-Ling upset because he being forced to choose between love and honor. But Ling-Ling come to realize decision actually very easy. He should have realized from the beginning that love IS honor!
Ni-Pul: (skeptical) What?
Ling-Ling: Honor about doing what right in one's heart. And in Ling-Ling opinion, nothing more right than giving love to person who make him happier than anyone else in the world. Sorry, Ni-Pul. But Ling-Ling not leave Carla for you or anybody else, he not care WHAT rest of world think of him!
Ni-Pul: I see. Well, fine, then. I go back to Asia alone with baby. But what family say, Ling-Ling? Ling-Ling father very old-fashioned. What Ling-Ling father think when he find out Ling-Ling have child out of wedlock and refuse to marry mother? He be lucky if he not have heart attack!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling father not care. He always like Carla better than you anyway! So there! (Ling-Ling sticks out his tongue at Ni-Pul.)
Ni-Pul: (becoming very angry) Okay, Ling-Ling. I see how you going to play it. Well, there something you don't know about me, Ling-Ling! When Ni-Pul get ninja degree, it automatically come with built-in law degree! Ni-Pul ninja sue your sorry ass and get hands on entire Ling family fortune!
Clara: Wait. What exactly about this entitles you to sue Ling-Ling for his entire family fortune?
Ni-Pul: Ni-Pul friends with judge. She get reeeeeearry rucrative child support settlement from court!
Clara: Oh, go ahead and sue us! I'll just do like I always do and hire the smartest Jew in the Jewniverse!
Ni-Pul: Sorry, but Abe Goldblex from Space Shuttle 34 no longer able to take your case! Ever since Ni-Pul find incriminating photos of him with Tom Cruise, he strictly on retainer to Ni-Pul now!
Clara: (now worried) Oh, no!
Ni-Pul: Oh, yes!
Clara: (turning to Ling-Ling) I don't think my father would like us living in the poor house, Ling-Ling!
Ni-Pul: That right! So you might as well give Ni-Pul what she want right now or she drag your name through mud and then take it from you any- (At that moment, there is the sound of a disturbance outside in the hallway. Ni-Pul turns toward the door.) What the hell?
Through the door bursts none other than Dr. Lingstein wearing a blue wig, part of the Shampoo costume he wore for the convention. He is clearly very intoxicated.
Dr. Lingstein: Ni-Pul... Ni-Pul come back to room and love Dr. Lingstein some more... Dr. Lingstein very lonely!
Ni-Pul: Shut up, you stupid idiot! Can't you see you going to blow whole game? (Ling-Ling and Clara look on with astonishment.)
Dr. Lingstein: (looking at the baby) Wait. You have baby? You and Dr. Lingstein get drunk again and screw when he not looking? Oh, wait, that same baby as before. But why there two of them now? *hic*
Ni-Pul: (now furious) Go back to hotel room, you drunken jerk! You ruin everything now! (Ni-Pul sighs in frustration.) God, I not believe I ever stupid enough to marry you!
Dr. Lingstein: Dr. Lingstein regret nothing! (He throws himself out the door into the hallway. We hear his voice from offscreen.) Ow.
Ni-Pul throws her arms up in the air in exasperation and runs out of the room after Dr. Lingstein. In the hallway, we see Chad and Chase standing around the passed-out doctor. From underneath one side of him, we see a pair of feet sticking out, and from underneath the other side of him, we see a blonde ponytail.
Chad Huffington: Charlotte! Oh no! (He turns to his brother.) Chase, what the hell IS this thing that crushed poor Charlotte to death?
Chase: I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure they don't make pants in its size.
Chad Huffington: (grabbing Chase's shoulders desperately) No! Don't say that!
The camera cuts back to inside Ling-Ling's room. Ling-Ling walks over to the door and closes it behind him. He looks at Clara.
Clara: Wow.
Ling-Ling: You said it.
Clara: I guess it wasn't your baby after all.
Ling-Ling: Apparently not. (Clara sits silently for a moment. Ling-Ling hops back up on the bed next to her.) Carla... Ling-Ling just want you to know that everything he say to Ni-Pul absolutely true. He love you more than anything. And he never ever leave you no matter WHAT'S at stake.
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. And I just want you to know that the same goes for me. I would give up ANYTHING for you. I mean that, Ling-Ling. ANYTHING.
Ling-Ling: Really? (Clara nods.) What if Carla asked to give up her kingdom?
Clara: Pfft. Why don't you try asking me to give up something IMPORTANT? Like, say... my hairbrush!
Ling-Ling: (smiling) Yeah, that might be bigger test of Carla's devotion.
The two smile for a moment. Clara sighs.
Clara: So, Ling-Ling... are you disappointed?
Ling-Ling: About what?
Clara: Well, I know it worked out better for you that the baby turned out not to be yours. But on some level... are you kind of sad to find out you're not a father after all?
Ling-Ling: (looking at Clara thoughtfully) Would Carla believe it... if Ling-Ling said no?
Clara: (surprised) No?
Ling-Ling: It not that Ling-Ling not want kids. It just... if I'm going to be a father... I'd rather it be with you. (Clara puts her hand to her heart and looks at Ling-Ling somberly. Ling-Ling turns away.) But that okay. Ling-Ling know Carla not want kids.
Clara: Well... (Ling-Ling turns to her.)
Ling-Ling: Well what?
Clara: Well... maybe I do.
Ling-Ling becomes alarmed. He is clearly having difficulty believing what he is hearing.
Ling-Ling: Wait... Carla serious?
Clara: Ling-Ling, I never said I didn't want to have kids. I just said I wasn't ready, that's all.
Ling-Ling: And...?
Clara: Ling-Ling, when I saw her holding that thing that looked just like you... all I could think was, "She's not supposed to be having your baby... *I* am!". So... I think maybe that was my heart's way of telling me... it's time.
Ling-Ling: (growing excited) Carla serious? She ready to start trying?
Clara takes a deep breath, then looks at Ling-Ling with a smile.
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling. I think it's time for us to start trying!
Ling-Ling begins smiling from ear to ear. Clara smiles back. Ling-Ling jumps into her arms. The two hug each other joyfully.
Ling-Ling: Oh, Carla! You make Ling-Ling so happy!
Clara: Me too!
They hug for a moment, then kiss. The scene fades. The scene then fades back up on the exterior of the Drawn Together house. The camera cuts to a close-up of the living room door on the interior side. The room is completely dark. The door opens. Clara and Ling-Ling enter carrying their bags.
Clara: Hey, everyone! We're back from the convention! (Nobody responds.) Guys?
Clara reaches over and turns on the lights. Immediately, Wooldoor, Hero, Xandir, and Toot burst out from hiding.
Everyone: SURPRISE!!!
Clara: Oh, my! You guys must have really missed us while we were gone!
Toot: It's not that, Clara!
Clara: Then what-
Clara and Ling-Ling look around. Balloons and party decorations are all over the place. Over the doorway hangs a gigantic banner reading "It's a boy!".
Wooldoor: We just wanted to say... congratulations, Ling-Ling!
Clara: On what? I'm not pregnant YET! (She turns to Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, how did they know we were-
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think there some kind of misunderstanding here.
A very disgruntled Foxxy Love enters the scene.
Foxxy: Goddammit, y'all! This was not what I meant at all! (She rolls her eyes, then walks up to the couple. She looks at Ling-Ling.) So what happened, Ling-Ling? I'm guessing from the fact that you're both back here that you decided not to leave.
Ling-Ling: Yeah. Ling-Ling never leave Carla in a million years. And besides, here funny thing. It turn out baby not even Ling-Ling's anyway!
Foxxy: Really? So you're not even a father after all? (Ling-Ling shakes his head.) So these idiots put up all this party crap for nothing!
Toot: I wouldn't say "nothing", Foxxy! I mean, it's still a party!
Foxxy: That is true! Time to start celebratin' for no good reason!
Hero: (beginning to get intoxicated) Woooooooooooooooooo!
Clara: (looking back at Foxxy and Toot) Okay, Hero is nude already.
Toot: And Wooldoor's rapidly catching up to him!
Foxxy: I kinda think Xandir's ahead of Wooldoor.
Toot: Yeah, well, he had a head start.
Clara: All right. I guess this is officially a Drawn Together party now! All the guys are- wait. All the guys... (Clara suddenly notices that someone is missing.) Wait. Where's Spanky?
Cut to Mrs. Baker's bedroom. Mrs. Baker and Spanky are in bed together, having just finished the deed.
Mrs. Baker: Oh, my!
Spanky: You said it!
Mrs. Baker: That was... oh, my!
Spanky: So does this mean I can come play with your box again tomorrow?
Mrs. Baker: Yes, you certainly may!
Spanky smiles and nods. He and Mrs. Baker lie there for a moment. She turns to him.
Mrs. Baker: Oh, Spanky?
Spanky: Yes?
Mrs. Baker: On your way home, could you please take my tiller back out to the shed and hang it back up on the wall?
Spanky chuckles and grins lasciviously. The scene fades.
THE END
