DTBL episode 48: Love Talk

[Raymond-Raymond]

LOVE TALK

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. Dawn is breaking. We see the familiar shot of the rooster crowing. The scene cuts to inside the house, where we see glimpses of several of the housemates in bed asleep. First we see Foxxy and Hero sleeping peacefully in their room, then Toot and Marty sleeping peacefully in their room, then finally Clara and Ling-Ling sleeping peacefully in their room. The two of them begin to slowly wake up. As their eyes open, we see them smile at each other.

Clara: You were great last night.

Ling-Ling: No... Carla great last night.

Clara: No, I'm serious, Ling-Ling. YOU... were terrific last night. I mean, when Toot played her king, I thought we were finished! But then, you (she boops his nose)... you just calmly reached down into your little hand and flung that ace right in her face! Oh, that was awesome!

Ling-Ling: (grinning) Ling-Ling saving that ace all night just for Carla.

Clara: I don't know why beating other couples at bridge excites me so much. I guess I just like the idea of the two of us kicking ass as a team.

Ling-Ling: That not the only thing Ling-Ling and Carla do with asses!

Clara: That's right, Ling-Ling. There's also all the butt sex!

At that moment, the room goes completely silent. Clara and Ling-Ling both sit in bed staring straight ahead. A smile crosses Clara's face. She and Ling-Ling finally burst out laughing hysterically.

Ling-Ling: Oh, that good one, Carla!

Clara: I know, wasn't it? Can you imagine, Ling-Ling? Me? Doing butt stuff? (She laughs again.) I didn't even let the doctors stick their thermometers there when I was a child!

Ling-Ling: There ought to be sign on Carla's ass that say "No Entrance, Exit Only"! (Clara laughs.) Although... Ling-Ling and Carla could still do stuff. (She looks at him puzzlingly.) Only not use Carla's butt! (Clara blushes.)

Clara: Ling-Ling... are you saying you want me to...?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hear it kinda pleasurable... he just curious, that all.

Clara: But Ling-Ling, you're so small! What could we use that would even fit? (Ling-Ling whispers in Clara's ear.) Oh, Ling-Ling, don't be silly! Toot would be angry if we stole her candy!

Ling-Ling: We not need to steal land whale candy. (Ling-Ling pulls out a bag of Tootsie rolls and shows it to Clara.) Ling-Ling have own bag!

Clara: Oh, my!

Ling-Ling chuckles and puts the bag away.

Ling-Ling: Okay, maybe that too much for Carla right now.

Clara: Oh, I don't know, Ling-Ling. I guess I'm still trying to get used to the idea of thinking of myself as a sexual being.

Ling-Ling: Okay. But Carla not get too used to it. Innocence and virginity big, big turn-on in Asian culture.

Clara: Is that why out of all the women in this house, it was me that you fell for? Because I was the innocent one?

Ling-Ling: That one reason. There another, though.

Clara: What's that?

Ling-Ling: Carla smokin' hot!

Clara: Oh, well, yeah, there is THAT. (She laughs.)

Ling-Ling: What about Carla? If she not have to marry Ling-Ling so he get to stay in the country, would she still have been attracted to him?

Clara: I think so. I don't know when it would have happened, but... I think it would have still been inevitable. Ever since I came to this house, I've thought about meeting my one true love and wondered if he might be living in this house with me. And given the competition, well... I doubt it would have been TOO much longer before I started thinking about you.

Ling-Ling: How so?

Clara: Well, Spanky and I dated for a bit, but that didn't last. Captain Hero's nice, but we weren't even CLOSE to being romantically compatible. And even if I didn't have those religious issues with gay people, I'd never date one. And Wooldoor, well...

Ling-Ling: Let Ling-Ling guess. His socks?

Clara: Yeah. That's it. I just can't be with a man who won't ever take his socks off! (They smile at each other.) I don't know, Ling-Ling. I know this is incredibly cliched, but... when we're together, it just feels right, you know? It feels like all is right with the world.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling feel that way too.

Clara: Like this moment we're having right here. Waking up together, sharing sweet nothings with each other... life just seems perfect right now. And nothing could ever happen to ruin that.

At that moment, they hear a sound outside the room.

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. Clara and Ling-Ling scowl in frustration.)

Clara: Oh, goddammit, not THIS crap again!

As Ling-Ling looks irritated, Clara turns to get out of bed. Picking Ling-Ling up, she immediately walks out into the hall. Foxxy, Hero, Toot, and Marty are all standing in the hall already, each looking just as irritated as Clara and Ling-Ling.

Clara: Hey, guys. (The others wave to Clara half-heartedly.)

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Clara: So is Xandir...?

Foxxy: Killing hisself again? Yeah, pretty much.

Toot: Oh, goddammit, what the hell happened THIS time? Did Fernando call him fat again?

Hero: I made a wisecrack about his hair last night. You don't suppose he's killing himself over THAT, do you?

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Clara: I think it might have been my fault, you guys. I told him that I thought Twilight was stupid. (The others are shocked. Xandir's cycle of agony repeats.)

Foxxy: Clara, is you joking?

Toot: You made fun of Twilight?

Hero: To his FACE?

Clara: I didn't know he was going to react like this!

Toot: Clara, Xandir loves Twilight even more than he loves High School Musical! Okay, maybe not THAT much. But he loves it more than he loves High School Musical 2!

Clara: Oh, dear God, what have I done?

Marty: You know, I think it was my fault, you guys.

Hero: Why is that, Marty?

Marty: No, actually, I don't. I just wanted to have a line at some point.

The others nod. We hear Xandir's voice yet again.

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats. As the group stands looking annoyed, Xandir walks up behind them.)

Xandir: Hey, guys, what's up?

Toot: You're outside at the pool killing yourself again.

Xandir: I am? Well... what drove me to it this time? (He begins tearing up.) What did you guys do to me? (He begins bawling.) I tried so hard to be a good friend! (He is now sobbing uncontrollably.)

Foxxy: Xandir, don't be retarded. (She turns to the others.) Okay, obviously, Xandir's presence here indicates that we was wrong in our assumption that that sound is Xandir outside killing himself.

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Clara: Well, that's a relief. For a moment, I thought my criticism of Twilight had driven you to take your own life!

Xandir: Clara, don't be silly! I would never kill myself just because you made fun of some book/movie/roleplaying fantasy I like!

Clara: Really, Xandir?

Xandir: Clara, I realized a long time ago that you don't know crap when it comes to recognizing true art! (Clara gives Xandir a look of shock tinged with a sense of offense. Hero calmly turns to Xandir.)

Hero: Xandir, you still have goofy hair. (Xandir starts to well up.)

Xandir: Now that's just not... (He begins bawling again. Doing the girlish shriek usually associated with Hero, he runs off back to his room and slams the door. The others look at each other.)

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Foxxy: Well, y'all, if that ain't Xandir killing hisself, I guess we gots to go find out what that sound is.

Hero: There might be two Xandirs on the premises!

Toot: Don't be silly! If there was another Xandir around, Xandir would be busy having sex with it!

Clara: Selfcest? I might need to check my Bible on this, but I'm pretty sure God frowns on that.

Hero: Hey, if that was the case, the next time-

Everyone: We told Xandir to go fuck himself, he would!

Toot: Hero, that joke is so old.

Hero: I know, but somebody was going to say it and I figured it might as well be me.

Foxxy: Come on, y'all.

The group turns and walks off down the hallway in pursuit of the sound. They walk out the door to the pool area, but there is nobody around.

Clara: Maybe he finished the job and faded from existence.

Hero: Or maybe he fell into the pool and got trapped in the mechanism!

Toot: Or maybe he sprouted wings and flew away! (Foxxy looks at Toot.) Oh, I bet YOUR theory was even dumber!

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Foxxy: The sound's coming from over there, y'all!

They turn and walk over in the direction of the small room labelled "AV Club", previously seen in "The Lemon-AIDS Walk". It becomes clear that the sound is coming from that room.

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Foxxy cautiously opens the door. Everyone peers inside. There we see Wooldoor sitting at a large electronic console playing the sound clip of Xandir killing himself over and over again.

Xandir's voice: Goodbye, cruel world! (There is a stabbing sound, followed by a respawning jingle. The cycle repeats.)

Finally, Wooldoor presses a button on the console and stops the recording. He picks up a microphone and begins speaking into it.

Wooldoor: And you have just heard one of my favorite records, "Xandir Kills Himself for 40 Minutes Straight". And no, that wasn't a tape loop, it just takes him a while to use up all his lives. Now I know there are some of you out there who are fans of Xandir and don't like to see him- or I guess I should say, HEAR him- take abuse. So to make up for it, I am now about to play one of Xandir's favorite moments from happier times. You are listening to Radio Free Sockbat. This is Wooldoor, over and out. (Wooldoor puts the recording on. He turns around to see Foxxy, Hero, Toot, Marty, Clara, and Ling-Ling staring at him completely confused.) Oh, hey, guys!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, what the hell is you doing here?

Xandir's voice: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: Oh, this? I started my own radio station!

Clara: (looking at Toot) You want to ditch again?

Ling-Ling: Ooh! Take Ling-Ling this time!

Wooldoor: I was watching the Lemon-AIDS episode the other night and it occurred to me that they built this room for a cheap joke and then never used it again. Well, you know the Sockbats' motto. Waste not, want not!

Toot: I thought the Sockbat motto was "Candy, candy, more candy".

Wooldoor: No, silly. That's our CREED. Our MOTTO is "Waste not, want not"!

Toot: (turning to Clara) Yeah, ditching sounds good, Clara.

Wooldoor: So I read a book on electronic engineering and I then I built my own radio station! I call it Radio Free Sockbat. You know, cause it's free to listen to.

Marty: Wooldoor, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but... ALL radio is free.

Wooldoor: Oh yeah? (Wooldoor gets up from his chair and walks over to a door on the other side of the room. He opens the door. There we see Spanky sitting at another console producing his own broadcast.)

Spanky: (into his microphone) And that concludes today's Classical Hour selection, Beethoven's "Fur Elise" with tiny fart noises added for comic effect. You've been listening to Ham Commercial Radio. That'll be five dollars. Please make all checks payable to Spanky Ham, Incorporated. Or just give me cash when I come by your room. (Spanky takes his headphones off and puts his microphone down.)

Wooldoor: Hey, Spanky!

Spanky: Hey, Wooldoor. You listen to the show today?

Wooldoor: I sure did! (He hands Spanky some money.) Here's my five dollars!

Spanky: Thanks! (Spanky begins counting his money.) Oh, by the way, Wooldoor, I've got a great show planned for tomorrow. Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" played by an orchestra who's totally constipated!

Wooldoor: Oh, I've definitely got to check THAT one out! (He hands Spanky some more money.) That sounds awesome!

Spanky: Oh, it will be, Wooldoor. (He looks at the others.) So did you guys hear any of the show?

Clara: Only that part where you ripped Wooldoor off.

Wooldoor: Awwww! I missed that part!

Spanky: It's okay, Wooldoor. I'll do a repeat broadcast tomorrow just for you.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeee!

Spanky: Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check last week's Arbitron numbers. I've just about gotten the FCC to let me have the names and addresses of the people who were listening. And once I do... ka-ching!

Spanky goes back into his own control room. Wooldoor sits back down at his own console. The others roll their eyes and walk out.

Toot: (offscreen) So as long as we're out here, you guys want to all lay by the pool in our PJs?

Foxxy: (offscreen) Ooh! A new kind of fanservice! Nice!

The scene fades.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene changes to the living room, where we see the housemates minus Wooldoor sitting around watching TV.

Announcer: (on TV) We now return you to our program, "Americans and English People Making Fun of Each Other".

On TV, we see two men driving down the highway. The driver looks to his left, then turns to his companion.

American: Hey, Nigel. Look at that truck.

Nigel: You silly American! It's called a lorry!

American: Oh yeah? Well, I screwed your girlfriend last night.

Nigel: No you didn't! You SHAGGED my- hey, wait a minute!

The scene changes back to the housemates. Wooldoor walks into the room.

Wooldoor: I'm afraid I have some bad news, everyone.

Hero: Our show's been cancelled?

Toot: That rash isn't just a rash?

Foxxy: You broke my vibrator confusing it for a Thighmaster?

Clara: Spanky's nude again?

Wooldoor: No. (He covers his face with his hands and begins bawling.) The producer just pulled the plug on my radio station! Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Toot: Ha! (She holds her hand out. The others all put money into it.)

Clara: (putting money in Toot's hand) Damn! I thought for sure that station would last a week before they cancelled it.

Spanky: (walking up to Wooldoor) Well, Wooldoor, I know it sucks to have to give up on your dreams, but those are the breaks, you know. I guess there's only room for one successful radio station in this house, and since it's me, then... well, I guess it can't be you. Because as established earlier in this passage, there's only room for one. And I'm the one. Which means it can't be you.

Wooldoor: I suppose you're right, Spanky.

Spanky: But tell you what, Wooldoor. Just to show you there's no hard feelings, I'll let you come work for me at MY station!

Wooldoor: (becoming happy again) Wow! Thanks, Spanky! (Spanky beams proudly.) It's just too bad, you know.

Spanky: What's too bad?

Wooldoor: The producer told me to tell you that he's probably going to cancel YOUR station too! (Spanky becomes alarmed.) So I guess there's room for NONE, then, huh, Spanky?

Spanky: What? This is ridiculous! They can't cancel Ham Commercial Radio! They just can't!

Jew Producer: (over intercom) Yes, I can, Spanky. As owner of this house, I retain the legal rights over any business venture you might undertake while on the premises. And since you're charging people to listen to your station, that makes it a business, which means that I pull the plug on it any time I want!

Wooldoor: But my radio station wasn't for profit! How come you already cancelled IT?

Jew Producer: (over intercom) Cause your station was stupid, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhh.

Spanky: This will not stand, Mr. Jew Producer! As Allah is my witness, I will not let you pull Ham Commercial Radio off the air!

Jew Producer: (over intercom) Yeah, yeah, whatever. (We hear a female voice giggling in the background.) Oh, right, back to business. So did you bring the handcuffs and the peanut butter?

The intercom cuts off. Spanky is livid.

Spanky: He can't do this!

Hero: He can, Spanky.

Foxxy: He has every legal right to!

Spanky: Okay... so he wants to get all lawyery about things? Well, two can play at that game!

Cut to a hallway deep inside the house somewhere. Spanky, Foxxy, and Wooldoor stand in front of a door with a sign on it reading "I. Will Sooyu, Attorney at Law".

Spanky: Is this the guy, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Oh, yeah! Best lawyer I know!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, how does you know any lawyers?

Wooldoor: I've been sued before.

Spanky: For what?

Wooldoor: Copyright infringement. But that's not important now. Come on.

Wooldoor opens the door. We see a very professional looking office room. Legal degrees decorate one wall, while against another wall rests a tall bookcase filled with law books. The three look at the desk at the back of the room. Nobody is present.

Spanky: So where is he?

Wooldoor: Maybe he's out to lunch.

Foxxy: Or maybe he's getting a hummer underneath the desk.

Wooldoor: (suddenly realizing something) Oh! I almost forgot!

Wooldoor dashes over to the desk. In a flash, he discards his clothes and dons a business suit and perches himself behind the desk.

Wooldoor: (now in lawyer mode) So what can I do for you people today?

Spanky: Wooldoor-

Wooldoor: Please. Call me by my lawyer name. Mr. Sooyu.

At that moment, Sulu from Star Trek walks up to Wooldoor and clears his throat. Wooldoor turns to him angrily.

Wooldoor: Hey, the judge ruled in my favor on that one. So back off! (Sulu irritatedly turns and walks away. Wooldoor turns back to Spanky and Foxxy.) So what's the problem?

Spanky: Mr. Sooyu, my radio station is about to get pulled off the air. I need you to find me a legal loophole that will allow me to keep broadcasting.

Wooldoor: Ah, I see! (He turns to Foxxy.) And what's this lovely lady here for?

Spanky: In case I need a boob-related diversion of some sort.

Wooldoor: Ah. Good planning. So anyway, Mr. Ham, I've been reviewing your case. (He pulls out a gigantic volume and opens it to a particular page.) Now, the Jew Producer was right in that by broadcasting out of the house he owns, he also holds legal dominion over any business venture you might conduct on the premises.

Spanky: So what if I just moved my operation off the premises? Or leased the building I'm running the station out of?

Wooldoor: Yes, that could work in theory. But there's another, more practical solution. One which won't require moving your operation or laying out any funds of your own.

Spanky: What's that?

Wooldoor: All you have to do is relaunch as a public station! Public stations are regulated by the government, not private business! He couldn't touch you then!

Spanky: Public? You mean I gotta stop charging people? Aw, rats!

Foxxy: Whatchoo doing this for, Spanky? The money? Or the art?

Spanky: Can't I do it for both? (Foxxy stares at Spanky. He sighs and turns back to Wooldoor.) Fine. So what do I have to do?

Wooldoor: In order to be able to legally classify yourself as a public station, you have to include at least one segment that's in what we call "the public interest".

Spanky: No problem! I'll just play my fart sounds for 23 1/2 hours a day and then I'll just toss in some stupid educational thing at 5:00 am that nobody will ever listen to!

Foxxy: Where you gonna get something like that?

Cut to Clara.

Clara: You want me to do what?

Spanky: Just come on my station and talk about Jesus for half an hour every day! Then I can legally classify myself as a religious station and I'll be completely protected from the Jew Producer's meddling!

Clara: As much as I'd love to bring Jesus to the masses, Spanky, I'd feel weird doing it under these circumstances. This purpose seems immoral.

Spanky: Look at it this way, Clara. What kind of people listen to my radio broadcasts?

Clara: Immoral, perverted sinners!

Spanky: Precisely! And aren't THEY exactly the kind of people you need to be preaching to? Hmmm?

Clara: I suppose that IS true. (She thinks for a moment.) All right, Spanky. I'll do it. (Spanky throws his arms in the air in triumph.) Besides, it might be kind of fun! I'd be like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds!

Spanky: Or, you could be like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys!

Clara: I'm not putting on a sexy dress and writhing around on top of a piano, Spanky.

Spanky: Okay, you can leave the dress off. (Clara glares at Spanky. Spanky throws his arms up in a "What do you expect?" gesture.)

Clara: Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I'm going to have my very own radio show where I get to talk about nothing but Jesus!

At that moment, Foxxy and Wooldoor rush into the room excitedly. Wooldoor is still wearing his lawyer suit.

Wooldoor: Spanky! Spanky! I've got good news!

Foxxy: We don't have to make Clara do that stupid Bible show! We got something even better!

Spanky: (nonchalantly turning to Clara) Clara, you're cancelled. (As Clara reacts with indignance, Spanky turns back to Foxxy and Wooldoor.) So what do you guys have?

Foxxy: All we have to do is provide the people with a forum to talk about the problems they's facing in today's society, and that would take care of your public interest requirement right there!

Wooldoor: And the most popular type of public forum is- you guessed it- the radio call-in show!

Spanky: So you're saying that if we do a show where people call in and talk about their problems, that would take care of the whole issue right there? I like it!

Foxxy: Ooh, but it gets better!

Spanky: Better?

Foxxy: As long we agree to speak frankly and responsibly about the subject, we can make the show about anything we want! Such as... say... love and dating advice.

Spanky: Love and dating advice?

Wooldoor: She means sex.

Foxxy: Yes, Wooldoor.

Spanky: I see. So let me get this straight. We can make a show where we do nothing but talk about sex... and that'll get us off the hook legally?

Wooldoor: Precisely!

Spanky: (turning to Clara) Hey, Clara? (Clara becomes attentive.) You're still cancelled. (Clara is shocked and confused.)

As Spanky, Foxxy, and Wooldoor eagerly begin to plan their new show, Clara turns and walks into the kitchen where we see Toot and Marty sitting at the table. Toot's humongous wedding binder is on the table in front of them.

Clara: (sighing in frustration) Why do I let those idiots jerk me around like that?

Marty: (to Toot) What'd she say?

Toot: Someone's jerking Clara around. I guess she's trying to steal Foxxy's reputation or something.

Clara: Very funny, Toot.

Toot: Everything I say is! (She and Marty return to the binder. Clara walks up to the table.)

Clara: Good Lord, the binder AGAIN? The wedding is only a few weeks away, you two! What, did you suddenly decide you needed to add some skydiving monkeys or something? Maybe a fandancing hippo?

Toot: Actually, Clara... we've finished planning the wedding!

Clara: Oh, really? So you've FINALLY finished planning that thing?

Toot: That's right. We have just put the finishing touches on our wedding plans! Our wedding is herefore officially finalized!

Marty: (in a Southern accent) And I helped!

Clara: Marty, how did you help?

Marty: By not getting in Toot's way while she made all the plans herself.

Toot: Your assistance was invaluable, Marty! (She kisses him.)

Marty: (getting up from the table) Well, I'd better head on out of here. I heard that some of the guys were planning to play swords and sorcerers again tonight, so I figure I'd better go hide if I don't want to get drafted into playing with them again.

Toot: I'll see you later, Marty.

He gives her a quick peck on the cheek and leaves. Clara walks over to the table and sits down in front of the binder.

Clara: So... this is it, huh?

Toot: Looks like it.

Clara: Your wedding is officially set in stone now.

Toot: That's right. From here, it's the altar or bust!

Clara: It would appear so.

Toot: Wow... it's still hard to believe, you know. I've been planning and planning and planning this thing... and now it's all over.

Clara: The planning, you mean.

Toot: Right. The planning. (There is a pause. Toot begins to look thoughtful.)

Clara: (noticing Toot's expression) Toot? Is something wrong?

Toot: Wrong? Oh, no, not at all, Clara.

Clara: Oh, good.

Toot: It's just that I've had so much fun planning this wedding... I'm just a little sad that that part of it is all over now.

Clara: I know what you mean. But you still have the wedding itself to look forward to.

Toot: I know. The wedding itself. It's only a few weeks away. (Clara nods, but says nothing.) Of course... that day is just around the corner. And then IT will be over. (Toot's expression becomes both thoughtful and sad. Clara looks at Toot questioningly. Toot quickly shrugs it off.) Oh, but that's silly. It's just one day, anyway. (Clara nods. Toot goes on.) The day I've been dreaming about for my entire life... (Toot begins to get very worried. Clara looks a her with concern.)

Toot (in confessional): It was the day I'd been dreaming about for my entire life. And that must have been the reason I'd had so much fun planning it. It was what my whole life had been building up to. But... what then? This wedding had been totally consuming my life for the last year. I knew that once it was all over, I'd be married to a wonderful guy. But still... I wasn't sure I was really ready to let that excitement go.

The scene changes to Foxxy, Spanky, and Wooldoor in the radio station. Foxxy and Spanky have headphones on while Wooldoor sits next to them in the studio.

Foxxy: All right, y'all. Before we go live with this love advice thing, I was thinking it would be a good idea to get some practicing in.

Spanky: How are we going to do that?

Foxxy: Wooldoor, you got a pretty good imagination, right?

Wooldoor: The best!

Foxxy: You pretend to call in with a bunch of weird problems. Then Spanky and I will see if we can solve them!

Wooldoor: That sounds like fun!

Foxxy: And then we'll know if the two of us has what it takes to be good radio hosts.

Spanky: Sounds good!

Foxxy: All right, then, y'all. Let's get started!

Foxxy flicks some switches on the console. She begins speaking into the microphone.

Foxxy: Hey, all y'all out there in Radio Land! This is the Foxxy ready to counsel y'all about all matters love-related. And this is my cohost, the very love knowledgeable Mr. Spanky Ham.

Spanky: 'Sup?

Foxxy: We is ready now to hear from our first caller. Caller, you're talking to the Foxxy. What's on your mind?

Wooldoor: Yes. Foxxy, Spanky... I have a problem.

Spanky: What's your problem?

Wooldoor: I'm an 85-year-old man who doesn't enjoy sex. What should I do?

Spanky: Go back to watching Matlock, Grandpa. People your age aren't SUPPOSED to enjoy sex!

Foxxy: Now, Spanky, that wasn't very nice! Caller, I'd like to apologize for my cohost's remarks.

Wooldoor: What? Speak up, I can't hear you! I'm almost completely deaf! You know, cause I'm an 85-year-old man!

Foxxy: Mr. Wrinkly, have you thought about taking Viagra?

Wooldoor: I don't need any Viagra, you young whippersnapper! I can get it up just fine! I said that my problem is that I don't ENJOY it!

Spanky: So who are you trying to do it with?

Wooldoor: My wife.

Spanky: There's your problem right there. Instead of trying to sex up a washed out 80-year-old grandma, you might try putting it in something younger and hotter. I bet you'd enjoy THAT!

Wooldoor: But I'm married to a 25-year-old former Playboy Playmate! (Foxxy and Spanky look confused.) Yeah, I'm one of those kind of guys.

Spanky: Are you Hugh Hefner?

Wooldoor: Yes, I am!

Foxxy: Look, Mr. Hefner. It might not be an issue of the age of your wife or even her relative attractiveness. Could it be that maybe you've just settled into what we in the sex industry call "a rut"?

Wooldoor: I suppose that could be true...

Foxxy: So instead of dumping your good lady for someone "hotter", as my associate Mr. Ham would put it, perhaps you could find a way to spice things up within your current relationship. You might try roleplaying, for instance.

Wooldoor: Ooh! That sounds fun! You know any good ones?

Spanky: How about this one? You're a Roman centurion and she's one of the Christians who's been sentenced to be fed to the lions. No, wait- you're the lion! Yeah... I think I like that one even better! Or... perhaps she's Harry Houdini and your penis is the lock pick you're trying to slip to her. Or maybe you're a loyal Mountie and she's your faithful steed!

Wooldoor: Ooh! Then I could ride her like a horse!

Spanky: That's right, Hef. I also heard a good one about a Mexican apple thief. But that one might be a little TOO kinky for you.

Wooldoor: Thanks for the suggestions, Mr. Ham! I'm gonna go bang my wife right now!

Spanky: Well, Foxxy, it sounds like we've got another satisfied caller!

Foxxy: We sure do, Spanky!

Spanky: All right, who's next?

Foxxy: Caller, are you there?

Wooldoor: (very serious) Um, yes. Foxxy, last week you told my son that being gay was wrong and that he should go shoot himself for having impure thoughts. Well... (he begins sobbing)... he did! (Foxxy and Spanky stare in confusion.) And furthermore, I don't think it's right how you come on the radio and tell people that looking at pornography is wrong when you took all those dirty pictures yourself! And they weren't even good pictures, either, you dried up old hag!

Foxxy: Wooldoor! What the hell you talking about? You's supposed to be asking us about love problems!

Wooldoor: Oh, sorry. I thought this was the Dr. Laura show. Sorry, I guess I called the wrong number. (Foxxy shakes her head. Wooldoor makes a sound imitating a telephone.) Brrrrrrring!

Foxxy: What can I help you with, caller?

Wooldoor: Yeah, I'd like a large pepperoni, hand tossed, no mushrooms, with extra sausage!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, this ain't no damn pizza place neither!

Spanky: I got yer sausage right here!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, quit screwing around, okay?

Wooldoor: So that's your love advice, Foxxy? To cease sexual activity altogether? Do I look like Clara to you?

Foxxy: I'm sorry, Wooldoor. Did you have a dating issue of some sort?

Wooldoor: As a matter of fact, I did. I want my girlfriend to let me take naked photos of her, but she won't do it. Do you have any advice on how I could convince her?

Foxxy: All right, finally, a legitimate problem. Wooldoor, this girlfriend of yours. Is she-

Spanky: (interrupting) Hot?

Foxxy: That wasn't what I was going to say, Spanky?

Spanky: I know. That's why I cut you off. So what about it, Wooldoor? Is she?

Wooldoor: Not really. She's kind of a dog.

Spanky: Then why do you want naked photos of her?

Wooldoor: Huh. I guess you're right. Thanks for helping me out, you guys!

Foxxy: No problem, sir! Glad we could be of assistance! (Foxxy smiles and turns to Spanky. She begins to take her headphones off.) Well, I don't know about you, Spanky, but I think the two of us has got this love advice thing down-

Wooldoor: Brrrrrrring! (Foxxy sighs in frustration and puts her headphones back on.)

Foxxy: Yes. This is the Foxxy with Love Talk. What can I help you with?

Wooldoor: Foxxy, I don't know how to kiss a girl. Can you help me?

Foxxy: Why, of course I can, caller! First, you- (Before Foxxy even completes the sentence, Wooldoor is in her arms. Posing seductively, he proceeds to make kissy faces at her. Spanky chuckles.)

Wooldoor: (in a French accent) Yessss?

Foxxy, disgruntled, proceeds to drop Wooldoor on his ass. He tumbles out of her arms and falls to the floor. Foxxy starts to take her headphones off again and get up from her chair.

Wooldoor: (out of view on the floor) Brrrrrrring!

Foxxy sits back down and stares straight a head. She does not replace her headphones.

Foxxy: Yes, caller?

Wooldoor: I've just been dropped on my ass and it hurts really bad. Does this put butt sex out of the question?

Foxxy and Spanky look at each other. The scene fades.

Toot (in confessional): I know I was just being silly. The wedding wasn't the important thing. The important thing was my marriage to Marty. And I knew that Marty and I had what it takes to go the long haul. (She begins to think.) Or... did we? Wow... maybe I've gotten so excited about the fact that I'm getting married that I never even stopped to think if Marty and I were truly compatible. I mean... what if we're not? What if we get two or three years down the road and decide that we can't stand the sight of each other, and it was only the hormones and the wedding rush that made us THINK we were happy together? Maybe this whole wedding thing is a huge, huge mistake! (She shakes her head violently, trying to snap herself out of it.) No. No. That's impossible. Marty and I were happy together for a long time before we even THOUGHT about marriage. Or... were we? (She begins to panic.) Oh, God, now I don't even know what's what anymore! I'm going to psych myself into sabotaging my own relationship simply because I'm so worried about the possibility of unconsciously sabotaging it! (She quickly puts her hand to her chest in an attempt to steady herself.) Oh, God, I need a drink!

Cut to the kitchen. Toot sits at the table holding a bottle of alcohol. Clara and Hero sit looking at her with concern.

Clara: Toot? Are you okay?

Toot: (slightly intoxicated, slurring her words) Don't be silly, Clara. I am not Oklahoma! Do I look like a state to you? Huh? Do you see tornadoes ravaging my countryside? (She puts the bottle down.) Huh. Maybe I'm not a woman. Maybe I'm a geographic land mass of some sort! (She sighs.) I hope I'm Cape Cod. Cape Cod is beautiful!

Hero: (to Clara) I think she's drunk. (Clara turns to Toot.)

Clara: Toot? (Toot looks at her. Clara holds up four fingers.) How many fingers am I holding up?

Toot: Which one of you?

Clara: (to Hero) Yeah, she's drunk.

Toot: So I like to imbibe a little. That doesn't make me a bad person!

Clara: No, it doesn't, Toot. Not at all.

Toot: This does, though! (Toot pulls out a switchblade. She starts to cut her leg, but Clara manages to grab her arm at the last minute to stop her.)

Clara: No, Toot! (She looks at Toot with sadness.) Please, Toot. You promised you wouldn't do that to yourself anymore!

Toot: I also promised you I wouldn't throw up in your shoes anymore, but guess whose pumps are now filled with little Toot chunks?

Clara: Toot, I don't wear pumps anymore.

Toot: Oh. You don't? Then who-

Xandir: (offscreen) Ewwwwww! What did I just step in? Oh, those Korean ladies are not gonna like this!

Toot: Ah. Now I remember.

Clara: Toot? (putting her hand on Toot's arm) It's okay, Toot. We're your friends. We're here for you.

Toot: Really?

Hero: Of course we are, Toot.

Toot: Thanks, you guys.

Clara: So what's bothering you?

Toot: Well, I probably won't remember the full story until I become completely sober again, but I'll try telling you what I know.

Hero: That's all we need.

Toot: Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not even that drunk right now. I'm acting like this cause I'm depressed and upset.

Clara: About what?

Toot: About the wedding.

Hero: Why? Did Marty say no to the penguin ushers?

Toot: (straightening up) No. I don't mean about the WEDDING. I mean- well, you know what I mean. Don't you? (Clara and Hero both look confused.) Maybe not. (Toot sighs.) Okay, fine. You both know how much I've been looking forward to this wedding, right?

Hero: Right.

Toot: Well... it just occurred to me that I've been SO caught up in planning this wedding that I didn't stop to think what comes after that!

Clara: What do you mean, what comes after it? Your marriage comes after it!

Toot: Right! But I mean... oh, never mind. (Clara and Hero look concerned, but remain silent, not quite knowing what to say.) Okay, let me try again. You know that ever since I met Marty, my life has totally changed for the better. Right?

Clara: Right!

Toot: So far our relationship has just been one high point after another. When he first asked me out... when we first kissed... when we first... you know.

Clara: No.

Toot: Okay, well, maybe YOU don't know.

Clara: Okay, I think I know NOW.

Toot: Right. Anyway, every little thing that's happened to us... it's just gotten me so excited, you know. But once we get married... that's it. There isn't anything left to upgrade to anymore! It's not like you can get... oh... supermarried or something! No. Marriage is the ultimate goal of a relationship. Once you've achieved that... there's nothing left to shoot for. There's nowhere to go but down.

Clara: Toot, that's nonsense.

Hero: Of course it is.

Clara: Marriage isn't a final goal in itself. It's a means to an end!

Toot: And what's the end?

Clara: A lifetime of happiness!

Toot: Right. So, then, if the happiness of being together is the important thing, then... why do you even need to get married in the first place? Why not just live and be happy together?

Hero: Because you'd be dirty filthy sinners! (Clara glares at Hero. Hero looks at her.) Just thought I'd save you the effort of saying it.

Clara: Really, Hero, it's no bother. (She turns back to Toot.) Okay, Toot. Religious issues aside... I guess you don't technically HAVE to get married. (Toot looks at her questioningly.) Marriage is just kind of a way of... making things official. You know... proclaiming to God and the world that you've found the person you want to share your life with.

Toot: Right. Maybe that's the problem.

Clara: What do you mean?

Toot: All this time, I've been caught up in the rush of every time Marty and I have taken the next step, it makes me wonder if my love for him was really the motivating factor, or if I was just caught up in the moment every time. If maybe I've just been so caught up in the idea of having a wedding, that I never really stopped to question if I'm truly doing it out of love or if I was just excited about the IDEA of being married.

Clara: Toot, are you... questioning your feelings for Marty?

Toot: I don't know. The wedding is just a few weeks away... my head's not on straight right now. Maybe this is pre-wedding jitters, maybe it isn't. I don't know what I'm feeling. (She gets up from the table.) I think I just need to go somewhere for a while and clear my head.

Clara: You sure there's nothing we can do to help?

Toot: Not right now. Thanks, though.

Clara: If you need us... we'll be right here.

Toot: Thanks. (Toot walks out of the room. Hero turns to Clara.)

Hero: Did you mean that, Clara? We'll be right here if Toot needs us?

Clara: Absolutely!

Hero: I mean, do we have to wait here all this time? I mean, they could move the TV in here, I suppose, but... I was kind of hoping to go upstairs and have sex with Foxxy later! Although I guess she could come in here and we could do it. (He turns to Clara again.) But if YOU'RE going to be here TOO... (Clara looks Hero in the eye point blank.)

Clara: I want to watch.

Hero: What?

Clara: I want to watch you and Foxxy getting it on.

Hero: Really? Wow! So, Clara... will you understand everything that's going on, or will I need to narrate it as we go?

Clara: Hero, do you not get sarcasm at all?

Hero: Nope! Okay, so the first thing you'll see will be me taking my pants off. I may or may not have already done that by the time Foxxy gets here. Sometimes we start with a little foreplay just to get our motors running, but your mileage may vary. Now Foxxy has this one particular erogenous zone right on the back of her-

Clara stares at the camera in exasperation. The scene fades.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

The scene fades back up on Foxxy and Spanky in the radio studio.

Spanky: Well, Foxxy... looks like we're ready!

Foxxy: Let her rip! (Spanky starts to fart.) I meant get the radio show started, Spanky!

Spanky: I know. I just chose another interpretation of those words.

Wooldoor: (in the control room, over the intercom) And you're on in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... go!

Foxxy: Hey, y'all! I'd like to welcome all of y'all out there in Radio Land to the very first edition of a little thing we like to call... Love Talk. I'm your host, Foxxy Love, and sitting beside me is my delightful cohost, Mr. Spanky Ham.

Spanky: Hey, all you wankers!

Foxxy: Spanky will be providing the... sardonic... take on things.

Spanky: Meaning, she'll be giving all the helpful advice while I just sit here cracking the jokes.

Foxxy: That's right.

Spanky: Oh, and I'm also going to be the one interviewing all the strippers whenever we have them on.

Foxxy: I never said we was gonna have strippers.

Spanky: I know you didn't. That's why I'm saying it. Cause the audience has a right to know.

Foxxy: Anyway, it looks like we have our first caller. Caller, you're on Love Talk. What's on your mind?

Xandir: Foxxy?

Foxxy: Xandir?

Xandir: Foxxy, sometimes when my boyfriend puts out, it hurts the back of my throat. What should I do?

Spanky: Oh, good Lord, nobody told me we were going to be listening to THESE kind of problems.

Xandir: What kind of problems, Spanky? Gay problems? Cause that's homophobic, you know!

Foxxy: Spanky, to be fair, that's something that could just as easily happen to a woman. Especially if she's got a small mouth and he's got a huge one! Not a huge mouth, I mean. I mean a huge something else.

Spanky: She means penis.

Foxxy: Thank you, Spanky.

Xandir: Guys, what are you talking about? I meant that whenever Fernando and I have sex, I end up screaming so much that it hurts my vocal cords! What should I do?

Foxxy: That's a very good question, Xandir. Now one thing you might try is expressing your excitement in another manner. Perhaps instead of screaming, you could try clenching your teeth. Or your butt! Who knows, Fernando might like that!

Spanky: Or you could just put a gag in your mouth. Not only would that stop you from screaming, you could also autoerotically asphyxiate yourself while you're doing the deed!

Foxxy: Or you could just take a throat lozenge or something.

Spanky: Well, sure, if you want to be non-kinky about it!

Xandir: Thanks, you guys! Those are some great ideas!

Foxxy: Glad we could help!

Xandir: Okay, Fernando, you can put it back in me now! (The line disconnects. Foxxy looks at Spanky, then turns back to the microphone.)

Foxxy: And here we are with our next caller. Caller, you're on the air with Love Talk. What's on your mind?

Hero: Hello. Love Talk? I happen to be banging a hot black chick right now and I was wondering if you had any advice on kinky stuff I could do with her.

Foxxy: Have you tried handcuffs and peanut butter?

Hero: Yeah, that doesn't really do it for us.

Foxxy: Try adding a non-deadly snake to the mix. You'd be surprised how much it livens things up.

Hero: Ooh! And we could do it in Clara's room, just to add to the danger factor! I'm gonna get started on that right away!

Foxxy: Well, not RIGHT away. Your girlfriend's busy hosting a radio show at the moment, remember? She won't be free for a few more hours.

Hero: Well, that's okay, I have her picture. I can go it alone until she gets here.

Foxxy: You do that, caller.

Hero: I will!

Foxxy: Okay, then. I think we're dispensing some good love advice. Let's hear from our next caller. Caller, you're on with Love Talk. What's on your mind?

Tiny boyish voice: Foxxy? Spanky?

Foxxy: What is it, caller?

Tiny boyish voice: My name is Timmy Turner and I'm ten years old. And I have a big problem. (Foxxy and Spanky are attentive.) I think I got a girl pregnant! (Foxxy and Spanky look at each other skeptically.)

Foxxy: Timmy... is you sure about this?

Timmy: Oh yeah, I'm sure! And I'm really worried cause I don't know what to do! I should probably drop out of school and go to work and support the family, but I can't get a job cause Kathie Lee isn't hiring right now!

Spanky: Timmy, maybe you'd better wait and make sure that your little girlfriend is actually pregnant before you go jumping to-

Shrill squeaky female voice: Of course I'm pregnant, you douchebags! I'm seven years old and this lump in my stomach weighs more than I do!

Timmy: Bubbles, honey, calm down. You're drunk.

Bubbles: You did this to me, you bastard!

There are slapping noises accompanied by what sounds like Timmy crying. Foxxy stares ahead in disbelief.

Foxxy: Bubbles? Bubbles, please stop hitting Timmy.

Bubbles: Why should I? He told me he was wearing a condom!

Timmy: I told you, Bubbles, they don't make those my size!

Bubbles: Yeah, yeah.

Foxxy: This may seem a little like closing the barn door after the cows have left, but someone really needs to teach you two a lesson about responsible sex.

Bubbles: Oh, and what would you know about responsible sex, Miss I-Gave-My-Boyfriend-A-Hummer-In-The-Shower-This-Morning?

Foxxy: How did you know about that?

Bubbles: Um...

Spanky: Foxxy... don't those voices sound a little... familiar... to you?

Foxxy: As a matter of fact, Spanky, they do.

Timmy: Oh, crap, Bubbles! I think they're onto us!

Bubbles: Hee hee!

Spanky: Timmy Turner... I'm guessing... Clara?

Clara: What? (She suddenly realizes what she did.) Oh, dammit! (She laughs.) Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted.

Foxxy: Very funny, Clara. Very funny, Toot.

Bubbles: (sounding very much like Toot) Toot? Who the hell is Toot? I don't know any goddamned Toot!

Spanky: Yeah, nice try, Toot.

Bubbles: I keep telling you assholes, I'm not Toot!

Foxxy: Oh yeah? Then who are you? (There is a laugh on the other end of the line. Foxxy and Spanky are attentive.)

Clara: (laughing) That one's me too, you guys! I was doing both of them! Am I a good mimic or what?

Spanky: You were doing both Timmy and Bubbles? So, Clara, you're a bisexual pedophile, then? Although it makes sense. You do prefer the tiny penises.

Clara: Okay, now you've taken all the fun out of it.

Foxxy: Thanks for dropping by, Clara. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to get back to helping people who have actual problems.

Clara: Hey! I have an actual problem! Your boyfriend at this very moment is spanking himself to a picture of you in MY bedroom! And he's doing something unspeakable with peanut butter and what appears to be a live boa! How's that for an actual problem?

Wooldoor: (from the control room) Boa? Whiskers! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Foxxy: I'll tend to him when I get off work, Clara. And don't worry, I'll make him clean up the mess. Okay, let's see what our next caller has to say. Caller, you're on the air with Love Talk.

Hero: Foxxy, I have a problem. One of my roommates is a big time prude who insists on judging me for partaking in a harmless male ritual like auto-gratification. How would you suggest I get her off my back?

Spanky: Ooh, Clara's on your back? Saucy! (Foxxy is unamused.)

Foxxy: Just lock the door or something!

Hero: You hear that, Clara? I'm locking the door! Now you can't bother me!

Clara: Goddammit, Hero, you can't lock me out of my own room! (We hear the sound of a door lock, followed by an indignant shriek from Clara. The line disconnects.)

Foxxy: So anyway... it looks like we have another caller. Caller, you're on-

Clara: Foxxy, you make your boyfriend open this door right now before I rip it off the hinges with my bare hands!

Xandir: (in background) She can do it, too!

Clara: I'm serious! If he wants to pleasure himself, fine, but he can at least keep that crap in his own room!

Hero: (now joining the line) Foxxy? Could you advise this hysterical woman that masturbation is not a sin?

Clara: I AM NOT HYSTERICAL!!!

Hero: And besides, you're one to talk about being kinky, Missy! I walked past your room earlier today and saw you and Ling-Ling doing something unspeakable with Tootsie Rolls!

Clara: Well, at least we were doing it in our bedroom!

Hero: Your own bedroom? So... this room, then? Hmm... for some unfathomable reason, that gets me all hot again!

Clara: Oh, for God's sake, would you stop that and just let me back into my room?

Hero: So... you want to be a part of this too, eh? Feeling like a little side order of Hero, are you, Clara? I can't say I blame you. (Clara shrieks indignantly again. Foxxy sighs.)

Foxxy: Goddammit! Hero, put your clothes back on and let Clara back into her room. Okay?

Hero: (reluctantly) Well... okay.

Foxxy: And Clara, I'll buy you a new bedsheet. Okay?

Clara: Fine. (We hear the door unlock.) Finally! I can- oh, goddammit, Hero, Foxxy told you to put your clothes back on first!

The line disconnects. Spanky sighs.

Spanky: All right... could we maybe hear from somebody BESIDES our housemates now?

Foxxy: Caller, you're on the air.

Excludie: Foxxy? Spanky? I'm on this show too and I don't get a lot of screen time! Can you help me?

Spanky: Go away, Excludie!

Excludie: Awwwww! (He hangs up. Foxxy turns back to the microphone.) Looks like we have another caller. You're on with Love Talk. What's on your mind?

Judge Fudge: Foxxy, I just wanted to call in to say that I ain't got time to call into your radio show. I'm far too busy... being delicious! (The line disconnects.)

Foxxy: I swear to God, if this next person isn't someone with a serious problem, I'm gonna flip out! (She turns to the microphone.) Go ahead, caller.

Jeffrey: Foxxy? Spanky?

Foxxy: Yes?

Jeffrey: I don't know if you remember me. My name is Jeffrey. A while back, you guys were running a suicide hotline. I was one of the people who called in wanting to kill myself.

Foxxy: I remember you. So what's on your mind?

Jeffrey: Well... I'm getting that feeling again!

Foxxy: What feeling?

Jeffrey: I think I want to kill myself again! (Foxxy breathes a deep sigh of exasperation.) I know I was just faking it the first time, but I've finally come to realize that life is cruel and I just don't know if I can take it anymore! Foxxy, if there's anything that you could say to try to talk me out of it, I'd be forever-

Foxxy: (cutting him off) I think you should do it! (She pushes a button on the microphone. We hear the dial tone.)

Spanky: Damn!

Foxxy: Who we got on the line now?

Clara: Excuse me, but I have an issue.

Foxxy: Shut up about Captain Hero already! Okay, Clara?

Clara: My issue isn't with Captain Hero. It's with someone else. You see, I have this roommate who thinks it's hilarious to fart constantly, and it really isn't. I'm getting tired of having to hold my nose every time I go in the- (Spanky flicks a switch, disconnecting the call.)

Spanky: Heard enough of that one! All right, who's next?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling just want to say that there nothing wrong with incorporating small candies into husbandly relations. You should see list of things geisha was said to have stuck up ass of honorable emperor! Ling-Ling also fail to see why it okay to mock Ling-Ling just because he have smaller hole than- (Foxxy disconnects the call.)

Foxxy: Next!

Xandir: You guys, I just want to say that what you're doing is really, really awful. It seems to me that you're not really listening to people's problems. I think you're just making up your advice as you go along, and if a call is too difficult for you, you just hang u- (Foxxy presses a button. We hear the dial tone.)

Foxxy: Okay, I think we've got time for one more caller. And this better be a good one. Caller, this is Love Talk. What's on your mind?

High pitched falsetto voice: Hello? Foxxy?

Foxxy: (not amused) Who is this?

High pitched falsetto voice: Foxxy, I just wanted to tell you not to listen to that homo! I think your advice is great!

Foxxy: (perking up) Oh, really? Why, thank you, caller!

High pitched falsetto voice: Yeah, you're fantastic! But if I may offer a word of constructive criticism. Your advice is good, but you tend to monopolize the conversation.

Foxxy: Monopolize the conversation?

High pitched falsetto voice: Yeah! You need to let the pig talk more! That pig is the unheralded star of this program! He's a diamond in the rough! You need to shut up for a minute and let the world know of the genius that is that awesome pig! (Foxxy turns to her right. We see Spanky on a cell phone.) I mean, so far all he's really had the chance to do is sit back and make sarcastic comments, but he's capable of so much more! Spanky Ham is the voice of a new generation!

As Spanky continues to ramble on, Foxxy turns back around and sighs. The scene fades.

Toot (in confessional): I wasn't sure if what I was going through was just pre-wedding jitters or if I was seriously starting to doubt if my connection with Marty was as strong as I had thought. I *knew* I wanted to marry him, but... was I really doing it for love, or was I just trying to escape a life of loneliness? Of course, given that Marty's pretty much been the only guy who's ever looked at me, what choice do I have? I remember what things used to be like for me (She pauses for a moment and becomes reflective.) Hmm... what things used to be like. Maybe there's my answer. Maybe I just need to revisit that world. All right, then. I guess I'll just go spend some quality time with the bums and creeps who used to reject me on a daily basis. Who knows, maybe getting treated like dirt by guys again would reawaken my appreciation for how special Marty is.

Cut to an exterior shot of Club Foot. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Toot sitting at the bar, alone and depressed. There is a drink in front of her. She looks around for a moment.

Toot: Okay... I'll ask a few guys out, get shot down, and then go back home and marry Marty being perfectly safe in the knowledge that I pretty much have to cause he's the only guy who would ever have me. Now who should I start with? (She spots a very attractive guy dancing on the floor.) Might as well start at the top and work my way down! (Toot gets off her barstool and walks over to the guy. He is dancing with an equally attractive woman. Toot grabs the guy's arm.)

Guy: Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to dance with my girlfriend!

Toot: You look cute. Wanna go in the coat room and shag like rabbits?

Guy: Did you not hear me? I'm with my girlfriend now!

Girl: Girlfriend? But Johnny, this is our first date!

Toot: (to herself) Ah. Pretending he's got a girlfriend just so he won't have to be with me. Yep, I still got it!

Guy: Oh. Well, I guess in that case, we CAN go off and get busy! (He looks at Toot.) So what do you say? Meet me in the coat room in five minutes?

Toot: (taken aback) What the-? Goddammit, you weren't supposed to say yes!

Guy: Why not? I'm available and you're up for it! What's the problem?

Toot: Right. I'm up for it. (She begins to think. We hear a voice-over of her thoughts.) That must be it. The guy isn't really attracted to me, he'll just do me because he thinks I'm easy. Hmm... in that case, I guess I'd better find a guy who DOESN'T think I'm easy! (She begins speaking again.) All right, you're on! I'll see you in the coat room in five minutes!

Guy: It's a deal!

Toot walks off. The guy resumes dancing with the girl, who is mildly irritated.

Girl: And what about ME?

Guy: Wait in the car, I'll come out and do you next!

The scene changes to Toot walking up to another guy sitting at the bar. She puts her hand on his arm. He turns to look at her. She bats her eyes at him flirtatiously.

Toot: Hey, big boy!

Bar guy: Well, hey there, sweetness!

Toot: Just so you know, I'm not one of these girls who sleeps with every guy she sees!

Bar guy: No?

Toot: I like you, but you'll need to make it worth my while. Buy me dinner first?

Bar guy: Dinner? Can't I just bend you over the counter and take you right here?

Toot: Huh?

Bar guy: You know, like this! (The guy grabs Toot before she has the chance to put up a fight. He bends her back over the bar and begins to reach for the top of her stockings.)

Toot: Hey! What's the big idea? I didn't say yes!

Bar guy: Maybe not yet. But you'll be screaming it pretty loudly once I get it in you!

Toot: The hell I will! (She attempts to hit him.) Get off me!

Bar guy: Hey, you were the one who was coming onto me! You were totally asking for this!

Toot draws her free arm back to punch the guy's lights out. However, before she gets the chance, a strong, booming voice rings out off to the side.

Man: Hey, you! Get your damn hands off her!

Toot: Oh, God, not THAT line again!

The man walks up to the bar. He is tall, strong, and very good looking. He grabs Toot's attacker, pulls him off her, and throws him against the wall. The guy crumples in a heap.

Bar guy: Ow.

The man turns to Toot.

Man: You okay, ma'am?

Toot: I'm okay. Thanks. But you didn't really have to be a knight in shining armor, you know. I'm pretty feisty. I could have taken him by myself.

Man: Oh, I know you could have. That wasn't why I rescued you.

Toot: It wasn't?

Man: I didn't rescue you because I thought you were some injured dove in need of protection. I rescued you because... (He takes Toot's hands in his and looks directly into her eyes.) ... because I think you're really hot and I wanted you for myself! (The man grins and gives Toot a come hither look. Toot, in shock, withdraws her hands and turns away from the guy.)

Toot: Oh my God, what the hell is happening here? When I was alone and desperate, I couldn't get a guy to save my life! And now... I come back here and EVERYONE wants me!

Man: Desperate? Are you kidding?

Toot: Huh?

Man: Please forgive me for saying this, but I can't stand desperate chicks! Even if they'll put out like nobody's business!

Toot: Then why did you want to be with me? I'm desperate!

Man: You? Are you kidding? You're not desperate!

Toot: But I am! I'm- (Suddenly she realizes.) Oh, my God!

Toot (in confessional): And that was when it hit me. The guy was right. I *wasn't* desperate. Not any more! Even if I *was* pathetic once... even if I still saw myself as being that way inside... I wasn't. Even if I didn't realize it, I had developed confidence in myself. And try as I might, I guess I just wasn't capable of suppressing this newfound confidence I had! Nope... even if I still felt her presence inside me, I knew that the old Toot was gone forever. I also realized that if something happened between me and Marty, I would have no trouble walking right out and finding myself another guy! (She begins to think again. Her expression again becomes worried.) Wait. Is that what I wanted to happen? If I don't need Marty in my life, then... should I really be marrying him? Is that the right attitude to go into a marriage with? (She puts her face in her hands.) Oh God, now I'm more confused than ever!

The scene changes back to the radio station. Foxxy and Spanky sit listening to their latest caller, both thoroughly bored out of their minds.

Xandir: I just don’t see why people have such a problem with it. She’s a nice, sweet girl and he really does love her. Even if he does have... odd ways of showing it. I mean, sure, some might call their relationship obsessive and unhealthy, but who among us hasn’t been guilty of that at some point? Hmm? And besides, the guy is really, really cute. If I was in her place, I’d have done him a lot sooner than she did! Even if he is a vampire.

Spanky: Xandir, enough about friggin’ Twilight! Nobody cares! (He turns to Foxxy.) I swear, I think I liked it better when all he could talk about was High School Musical!

Xandir: Oh! High School Musical! That gives me an idea! Wouldn't it be great if they made another movie, but the production they were doing was Twilight? Oh, if they did that, I’d be so giddy sitting there in that theater seat that I might just spontaneously start-

Spanky: (disconnecting the call) And you’re done now.

Foxxy: Next caller, please!

Jew Producer: Foxxy? Spanky? I have a problem.

Foxxy: What's your problem?

Jew Producer: My problem? You guys are tanking! That's my problem!

Foxxy: Wait! What do you mean tanking? We're giving people advice!

Jew Producer: No, you're not! You're not giving people advice! You're not helping them with their problems! You're babysitting a bunch of looneys and freaks, and you're hanging up on half of them!

Spanky: Well, is it our fault that none of the people who call in are taking this damn show seriously?

Jew Producer: Yes, Spanky. Yes, it is.

Spanky: So what are you going to do about it? Yank us off the air? Well, you can't! This is a public radio station now! You have no say over programming!

Jew Producer: Yes, I do. I own the building you're broadcasting out of, I can just kick you out of it! And... I can kick you out of the Drawn Together house too and cancel your whole damn cartoon if I want! (Spanky and Foxxy both sigh.) Now as soon as you finish this show, I want you to shut down your facilities and cease broadcasting. Otherwise I'll toss both your asses to the curb. Understand?

Spanky: (begrudgingly) Yes.

Jew Producer: Good. Now then, I *do* have a love problem to ask you about. What would you recommend for someone who accidentally swallowed a handcuff key?

Foxxy: Ex-Lax. (She flicks a switch and turns to Spanky.) How much time we got left, Spanky?

Spanky: (checking his watch) Probably about time for one more caller.

Foxxy: Well, let's hope it's a good one. (She flicks a switch.) Caller, you're on the air with Love Talk. What's on your mind?

Toot: Foxxy? Spanky? I need help with something.

Spanky: Oh, what? We run out of Ho-Hos again? (Foxxy hits Spanky. He winces.)

Foxxy: Cut it out, Spanky, she sounds upset! (Foxxy turns to the microphone.) Too- I mean... caller... what is it you need help with?

Toot: Well, there is a guy that... I'm about to marry. And he's a wonderful guy and I feel like all my dreams are coming true.

Spanky: So what's the problem?

Toot: Well... I guess my problem is that... it all seems too perfect! (Foxxy is attentive, but Spanky is still confused.)

Spanky: Why is that a problem?

Toot: Well, because... it's just so perfect that it doesn't seem REAL. You know?

Foxxy: What do you mean?

Toot: I've always dreamed about finding a guy, falling in love, and having the perfect storybook ending. But you know... I don't think I *want* a storybook ending. I want something that's real. I guess things have hit the point where they just seem so perfect that it doesn't seem real to me anymore. And that scares me. I don't want to think of Mar- um... Marlon... as a storybook prince or a knight in shining armor. I just want to think of him as a real guy who loves me and wants to make me happy.

Foxxy: What makes you so sure he doesn't?

Toot: I'm not sure. I guess... I don't know.

Foxxy: Caller, I think that what you need to do is- (Spanky cuts her off. Foxxy looks at him questioningly.)

Spanky: Foxxy? If I may... I think I have an idea.

Foxxy: Go ahead, Spanky.

Spanky: Too- um, I mean... Tootie.

Foxxy: Tootie?

Spanky: You know. That chick from The Facts of Life.

Foxxy: Yes, I know!

Spanky: Tootie, I think I see what you've done here. All your life, you've thought of yourself as a failure, have you not?

Toot: Yes.

Spanky: And now you feel like you're not. You finally feel like you're worth something. Right?

Toot: Yes, exactly!

Spanky: And that scares you! You're in a great place now, but you still haven't quite gotten rid of that "nothing good can ever happen to me" mentality. A part of you is still afraid that no matter what good may happen to you, something is eventually going to come along and pull the rug right out from under you. So what you do is, you try to keep that from happening by convincing yourself that everything ISN'T perfect after all. You subconsciously sabotage yourself because you're scared that if everything is too good, it'll all come crashing down on you! Am I right?

Toot: Well... maybe. But now I don't know what to do! I've completely psyched myself out with this whole Mar- Marlon situation. How am I ever going to get back to thinking about him the way I need to be? The way that'll let us both be happy?

Spanky: Hmm... now that's a good question.

Spanky thinks for a minute. Foxxy's face lights up.

Foxxy: Oh, my God! Spanky, I've got it!

Spanky: You have?

Foxxy: I've figured out a way to solve Toot's problem AND save our radio show!

Spanky: How is that?

Foxxy: Just watch. (She looks at her watch.) Well, unfortunately, it looks like that's all we have time for today here on Love Talk.

Toot: No! Wait! You haven't solved my problem!

Foxxy: Which is why... we'll be coming to you live tomorrow with a special broadcast! And Tootie... y'all is invited to be on the program with us!

Toot: Really? That's great!

Spanky: Foxxy, what are you doing? You heard the Jew Producer! He said we can't do any more shows!

Foxxy: Actually... what he said was, we can't do any more shows out of this building! That's why tomorrow, we're gonna be coming to y'all with a special live broadcast from the swap meet parking lot!

Spanky: The swap meet closed two years ago, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Oh.

Toot: How about you just do it at the mall?

Foxxy: Even better! We'll see y'all then! Bye, y'all!

Foxxy flicks the switch to stop the broadcast. The scene fades.

Foxxy (in confessional): So we set up our broadcasting equipment in the mall parking lot and got Wooldoor to hook everything up to a generator. And then... (She leans toward the camera and smiles.) We watched it all come together!

Cut to the mall parking lot. The group has set up a small makeshift broadcasting booth on the premises. While Wooldoor hangs around taking care of technical issues, Foxxy and Spanky sit at the controls with Toot between them.

Foxxy: Hey, y'all! This is Foxxy Love, and you're listening to Love Talk!

Spanky: And I'm Spanky Ham.

Foxxy: And joining us today we have our special guest, none other than... uh... Tootie! You know... the girl from The Facts of Life.

Man in crowd: Hey, I thought she was black!

Spanky: That's just cause you were watching the show on a black and white TV set!

Man in crowd: Oh, right!

Foxxy: So Tootie, tell us what's going on with y'all.

Toot: Well, as I was saying yesterday, I'm about to get married in a few weeks. And maybe it's just pre-wedding jitters, but I got so pysched up about things that I started to make myself doubt my relationship.

Foxxy: So what was it that you were saying about a knight?

Toot: Oh, right. I said that I wanted a real relationship with a real guy. I didn't want to be just some schoolgirl living out some fantasy of being swept off her feet by a handsome knight in shining armor.

Foxxy: Oh. Then in that case, you probably won't like what we have planned next.

Toot: What do you mean?

Foxxy: Well... (She gestures offstage.) Come on, y'all!

From behind the van, a figure steps out. He is short and clad in a suit of armor that is clearly much too large for him. Toot can't help but smile.

Toot: Oh, you guys!

Marty: (walking up to the broadcasting booth) Okay, first of all, for the record, I'd like to ask why these plans seem to always involve dressing me up in ridiculous costumes that are always much too big for me!

Foxxy: Well, it ain't OUR fault that Clara didn't have a suit of armor in your size!

Spanky: Yeah! You want us to quit making fun of your height, quit being so short!

Marty: (taking Toot's hand) Toot...

Spanky: This would probably work better if you came around here on this side.

Marty: Right. (Marty lets go of Toot's hand and walks around to the other side of the table. Spanky pushes a seat up to the table which Marty proceeds to sit in. He takes Toot's hand again.) Toot... I love you. You know that.

Spanky: It's Tootie.

Marty: Right. Um... Tootie... I love you. You know that.

Toot: I know you do... um... Marlon.

Marty: To be honest, I'm not really sure why you were having these doubts. But if you were... why didn't you just talk to me about it?

Toot: I'm not sure why I was having them either, Mart- er... Marlon. I guess I just didn't want to worry you about them.

Marty: Well, let me worry about them! I want your problems to be my problems, Toot. Even if they're about me.

Toot: They were never about you, Mar- ah, screw it. They were never about you, Marty. It was me all along. I realized that marrying you would give me everything I ever dreamed of. And that scared me. Cause in my experience, every little bit of happiness I find always has heartbreak waiting right around the corner. And I didn't want that to happen with you.

Marty: It won't, Toot. Look... (He looks down for a moment.) Things won't always be perfect between us. There will be rough times, too. But as long as I'm alive to see to it, I'll make sure your heart NEVER gets broken. Never.

Toot: I know, Marty. And I'm fine with that. Really, I'm better than fine. It's like I was telling Foxxy and Spanky, I don't want a perfect happily ever after! I want a real relationship, with up and downs and good patches and bad patches and everything! (She looks at Marty and takes his other hand.) And most of all, I want a great guy to share all that stuff with. The good AND the bad stuff! That's who I want. I want a real guy. Not a knight in shining armor.

Marty: Really? So am I-

Toot: (straightening up) Well, I'm sitting here looking at you in that knight get-up, and quite frankly, you look ridiculous! So obviously you can't be THAT guy!

Marty: (leaning closer to her) Then... I must be the other guy, then!

Toot: I guess you must be! (Marty smiles at Toot.) So... you still want to get married?

Marty: Not only do I want to get married... once they invent it... I want to get SUPERMARRIED!

Toot: Me too!

Toot smiles back at Marty. They embrace, followed by a deep, passionate kiss. The crowd in the mall parking lot cheers. Foxxy and Spanky reach around behind Toot and Marty and shake hands with each other.

Wooldoor: Wait. I'm confused. Marty's the other guy? Who was the first guy? Is Toot dating two guys?

Foxxy: (patting his head) It's a metaphor, Wooldoor. We'll explain it later. (Wooldoor nods. In the crowd, we can see the other housemates standing and smiling at the scene. Wooldoor notices a light flashing on the console. He tapes Foxxy on the shoulder.)

Wooldoor: Foxxy!

Foxxy: What is it, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: I think you've got another caller!

Foxxy: I think I know who THIS might be! (She flicks a switch.) What can I help you with, Mr. Jew Producer?

Jew Producer: Foxxy, I just want you to know that I hate every single one of you so damn much.

Foxxy: Uh huh. And...?

Jew Producer: And... the day I'm able to kick you assholes out of that stupid house will be the happiest day of my life!

Toot: (breaking away from Marty and turning toward the microphone) Blah blah blah, just get to the part where you tell Foxxy and Spanky that their show gets to stay on the air!

Jew Producer: Fine. Foxxy... Spanky... you can keep doing your damn radio show. There, you happy?

Spanky: Yeah, I think we can live with that.

Foxxy: Sounds good to me!

Wooldoor: How about me? Can I do MY show again too?

Jew Producer: No! I told you, Wooldoor, your show is stupid!

Wooldoor: Awwww! (Wooldoor begins bawling very loudly.) Waahhhhhhhh!

Foxxy: Now would you look what you did, Mr. Jew Producer? You made Wooldoor cry on the air! That ain't nice!

Jew Producer: So what do you want me to do about it?

Foxxy: Give Wooldoor back his show! Otherwise, Spanky and I might have to take our idea to a rival network!

Jew Producer: Fine. Wooldoor, you can do your show, too. And Foxxy Love... I swear to you, if I ever manage to pry my testicles out of this vise you've got them in, there'll be hell to pay!

Toot: Oh well! Dem's da breaks!

Jew Producer: You guys all suck. I'm getting a drink. (He hangs up.)

Foxxy: (into the microphone) Well, I think this has been another successful show, y'all!

Spanky: It sure has, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Well, it looks like we have another caller. Caller, this is Love Talk. What's on your mind?

As the caller begins to speak, the camera begins to slowly pull back. Toot and Marty resume kissing.

Shrivelled old voice: Foxxy? Spanky? I'm an 85-year-old man who doesn't enjoy sex.

The camera finishes pulling out to a long shot of the parking lot. The scene fades.

THE END

(Or... is it?)

As the closing credits begin to play, the scene fades back up on the mall parking lot. The show is now over. Wooldoor and Spanky are loading their radio equipment back into the van while Foxxy stands off to the side.

Foxxy: Well, that was great, y'all!

Wooldoor: It was, wasn't it?

Foxxy: And maybe now that we've gotten all this drama out of the way and gotten our show on the air to stay, maybe now we can actually start helping people!

Voice: (offscreen) You already have!

The three turn in confusion. Slowly making his way up to the van we see none other than Jeffrey, the quadriplegic. He has two artificial arms and two artificial legs and with the help of arm and leg braces, is struggling to walk.

Spanky: (absolutely stunned) Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: Foxxy, I was at the end of my rope and you really helped me!

Foxxy: Say what now?

Jeffrey: Foxxy, I told you that I wanted to kill myself and you told me to go ahead and do it. Well, Foxxy, your tough love was just the kick in the pants I needed to get my life back on track and summon the courage to go on with my life! Foxxy, it's thanks to you that I'm here today. (Wooldoor and Spanky are both touched. Foxxy, however, is irritated.)

Foxxy: You mean you didn't kill yourself? Goddammit, what good's it do me to give out good advice if people just won't take it?

As Jeffrey stands there looking confused, Foxxy walks around to the front of the van and gets in the driver's seat. Wooldoor and Spanky shrug and finish loading the last of the equipment into the van. Jeffrey turns and walks away, still not quite understanding what is going on. The scene fades.

THE END