DTBL episode 49: Party Politics

[Raymond-Raymond]

PARTY POLITICS

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see the women setting up for a party. A table sits over to the side with a large punch bowl in the center of it. There are party decorations all around. Small banners are hung on the walls expressing congratulations to Toot while a large banner is hung over the front door which reads, "Yes, everything in this house warrants a banner". All of the furniture has been pushed against the walls. In the middle of the floor are a bunch of sleeping bags and pillows.

Toot (in confessional): The day of my bachelorette party had finally arrived. And since Xandir had made some half-assed comment about me acting like a giddy 16-year-old, I decided to go with that and do the bachelorette party as a slumber party! It would be fun, and more importantly, it would be completely original!

Foxxy: (putting up decorations) Doing the bachelorette party as a slumber party is going to be fun, y'all! At least it was when my cousin had one.

Toot: Goddammit!

Toot walks back upstairs for a moment. As Foxxy begins hanging something from the ceiling, Clara walks in from the kitchen.

Clara: Well, guys, I've just put the cake in the oven. If my timing is correct, it should be finished just in time for- (She stops, startled by what she sees Foxxy doing.) Foxxy Shaquafafa Love- (she draws back in surprise)- wow, I actually got it right! (Her expression changes back to annoyance.) Foxxy Love, just what in God's sacred name do you think you're doing? (Spanky and Hero can be seen walking down the stairs.)

Foxxy: I'm just hanging up the penis mobile!

Hero: You know, I once had a car called-

Spanky: (flatly) You don't say.

Foxxy: Now, Clara, you can't go gettin' mad about the penis mobile. Remember, you promised Toot she could have one!

Clara: I know, Foxxy, I know. I guess I just didn't expect you to hang it so... prominently!

Spanky: Well, Clara, with a big penis, you don't really have much choice where you hang it!

Clara turns to glare at Spanky. At that moment, Toot walks back downstairs. She sees the mobile being put up. She becomes excited.

Toot: Ooh! My penis! (Without missing a beat, Toot immediately turns around and slugs Spanky in the stomach. He clutches himself in pain.)

Spanky: Hey! What the hell was that for? I didn't say anything!

Toot: Pre-emptive strike. (Toot walks over to the mobile.) It looks beautiful, Foxxy! Nice and huge!

Foxxy: I modeled it after Captain Hero's!

Hero: That's funny. I don't remember posing for that.

Wooldoor: (appearing on the stairs behind Hero and Spanky) I helped her with the details.

Hero: Well, you did a great job. It looks just like me!

Wooldoor: Thanks!

Clara: Well, now that I've seen this, I guess I don't need to see Captain Hero naked ever again.

Foxxy: Cause now you can conjure up the image any time you want?

Clara: Sure, let's go with that. (At that moment, the doorbell rings.)

Delivery man: (outside door) Bakery!

Toot: (becoming excited) Ooh! That must be my cake!

Clara: (stunned) Cake? What the-

As Clara stands stunned, Toot rushes past her and opens the door. The delivery man hands her a box, which Toot signs for. As the delivery man leaves, Toot closes the door and turns to the others eagerly.

Clara: Toot, why in God's name did you order a cake? I'M baking a cake!

Toot: Not like this one you're not! (Foxxy is excited, but Clara is decidedly less so. Toot opens the box to show the girls the cake.)

Clara: Good God... a penis cake? What is it with you two and penises?

Foxxy: Don't knock 'em till you've tried one, Clara!

Clara: Hey, I've tried one! (Foxxy and Toot look at Clara skeptically.)

Ling-Ling (in confessional): (Completely unamused, Ling-Ling glares at the camera for a moment before he finally speaks.) Joke getting old, people. Seriously!

Wooldoor: Ooh! (He rushes over to where the girls are standing.) Did they model the cake after Captain Hero's penis too?

Toot: No, Wooldoor. The cake, unlike the mobile, was not modeled after Captain Hero's penis.

Wooldoor: (looking at the cake) Are you sure? Cause the part of the cake where the balls hang down kinda looks like-

Hero: I wonder if I should start locking the door when I shower.

Spanky: He'd still find a way.

Clara: So now we're going to have two cakes? That seems like a bit of a waste.

Toot: Oh, don't worry, Clara. They'll get eaten.

Clara: (looking at the cake) Oh, nice. It's a CHOCOLATE penis cake.

Foxxy: They don't make 'em this size in vanilla, Clara.

Toot: We did have them decorate the tip with pink icing, though.

Clara: Lovely. (She sighs.) I just wish you guys had told me you were going to be ordering a cake before I went to all the trouble of baking one myself.

Toot: Would you have approved me ordering a penis cake if I had asked?

Clara: No.

Toot: Well, that's why I didn't tell you!

Clara: It just seems like as your maid of honor, *I* should be the one running the show here. Isn't that what a maid of honor is supposed to do?

Toot: Yeah, but... you still gotta answer to the bride. And that's me!

Clara looks down, mildly frustrated. At that moment, Wooldoor rushes in from the kitchen.

Wooldoor: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! (Everyone looks at Wooldoor strangely, seemingly wanting to ask him how he suddenly ended up in the kitchen after standing amongst them just moments earlier.) Yeah, I'm all over the place in this scene. (He holds out an envelope.) I found this in the kitchen. Was this supposed to have been mailed out? (Toot takes the envelope.)

Toot: Oh my God! It's my cousin Betty's invitation to the slumber party! I completely forgot to send it! (She looks at the others.) But that's okay. As it turns out, she can't come anyway. Apparently you can't fly during your third trimester.

Foxxy: Didn't she have her tubes tied last year?

Toot: Yeah. But they came unraveled again.

Clara: Hold on a second. Let me see that! (She grabs the invitation away from Toot and looks at it. She becomes angry.) These are NOT the invitations I picked out!

Toot: Uh, yeah. Um... the invitations you picked out were really dorky, Clara, so I got different ones.

Clara: My invitations were very nice! They had happy clowns on them.

Toot: Hey, my invitations have clowns on them too!

Clara: On my invitations, the clowns weren't naked! And they were happy in a completely different way from what yours are!

Toot: Well, I didn't think they fit the occasion, so as the bride, I overruled you. So there. (She sticks her tongue out at Clara. Clara looks down in annoyance. Marty and Ling-Ling enter the scene from upstairs and join the guys.)

Foxxy: Anyway, y'all, it's getting about time for the party to start. We'd best be getting dressed.

Toot: Don't you mean... undressed? (She giggles.)

Clara: We'll be wearing pajamas, Toot. NOT going naked.

Toot: That's what I meant, Clara. Although if I wanted to, I *could*-

Clara: I'm not letting you overrule me on this one, Toot!

Toot: Fine.

Spanky: All right! Time for the party to start! (He turns to the others.) You guys got your nighties on?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling thought he go naked, if that okay. He exempt from Carla clothing rule.

Foxxy: (walking over to the guys) Ohhhhhh no, you don't!

Ling-Ling: Fine. Ling-Ling guess he can put on nightie too.

Clara: That's not what she means, Ling-Ling.

Wooldoor: I have this new teddy I've been wanting to try out.

Foxxy: What I meant was, it's a slumber party, y'all. No guys allowed.

Guys: (in unison) Awwwwwwww!

Spanky: Fine. We'll leave you girls alone so you can have your little slumber party.

Foxxy: Thank you.

Hero: Yeah. We'll have so much more fun than you guys will tonight!

Clara: Oh, I don't doubt that!

Marty: Yeah, it's no big deal. We'll just go to a bar or something.

At that moment, Spanky and Hero both grin. They walk up to Marty, Hero standing on his right and Spanky standing on his left. They each put an arm on Marty's shoulder and look at him, grinning.

Spanky: Actually... we have something even better in mind.

Marty: Oh, dear God. We're not going to play that stupid swords and sorcerers game again, are we?

Hero: Even better!

Marty: You know what? I'm just going to pre-empt this right now. You guys go do whatever fun thing you have planned. I'll just spend the night in my room watching TV or something.

Spanky: Oh, we can't let you do that, Marty! This entire event depends on your presence!

Spanky and Hero continue to look at Marty and grin. Marty sighs, resigning himself to his fate. He closes his eyes and hangs his head. Hero and Spanky both laugh. The scene fades.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene changes back to the living room. The guys are now gone. The girls have all changed into their sleepwear. Toot stands fiddling with the mobile.

Toot: Hmmm... no, I think it would look better over here. (She adjusts the mobile to the side a little.) No, on second thought, I like it better the other way. (She adjusts it again.) Hmmm... now that I'm standing here looking at it, I think it's strung up too high. Maybe I should pull it down a little. (Toot begins pulling on the mobile.)

Clara: (turning around) Toot, will you please quit playing with your penis and come over here and help us?

Toot: Just a second, Clara! I just want to make sure that my penis looks right for the big night! (She takes another look at the mobile.) You know, I wonder if maybe it should be bigger...

Foxxy: Toot...

Toot: Fine, fine, I'll leave it alone. (She walks over to where Clara and Foxxy are standing. Clara is holding a large metal tub.) So what are we doing here?

Clara: This is the tub for the apple bobbing. While I'm setting this up for tonight, could you help me out by going and getting the apples?

Toot: Oh, yeah, um... about that. We kinda don't have any more apples.

Clara: No more apples? What happened to them?

Toot: I ate them.

Clara: You ate them? Toot, didn't you know we were going to have apple bobbing tonight?

Toot: Yeah, actually, I did, Clara. And I didn't really want to do apple bobbing, so I just went ahead and ate them all.

Clara: Oh, good Lord. You overruled me AGAIN?

Toot: Well, Clara, the only reason I overrule all your suggestions is because they're all totally lame!

Clara: So now what are we going to do for fun here tonight?

Foxxy: It's okay, Clara. We've still got Truth or Dare to look forward to!

Clara: I never said anything about playing Truth or Dare.

Toot: Yeah, I was the one who decided we were going to do that. (to Foxxy) Doesn't Truth or Dare sound a whole lot more fun than apple bobbing?

Foxxy: It depends on where we's allowed to put the apples.

Clara: Fine. This is your night, do what you want.

Toot: Thanks, Clara, I will! (At that moment, the doorbell rings.) Ooh! My first guest! (Toot runs to the door and eagerly opens it. However, there is nobody there.) What the hell? Is somebody pranking us again? Goddammit, I bet it's the guys! (While Toot is still standing with the door open, the doorbell rings again. Toot still cannot see anybody. She begins to look thoroughly confused.) What the-

Toot looks down at the doorbell. A finger attached to a seemingly disembodied hand is ringing the bell. Toot realizes what is going on. She grabs the hand and pulls it toward her. From around the side of the house comes Unusually Flexible Girl. She is dressed in green PJs.

UFG: Ta da! I thought I'd use my stretchy powers to freak you out!

Toot: Yeah, yeah, really clever there, stretchy girl. So anyway, come on in and join the party. Looks like you're the first guest.

UFG: Oh, I'm so excited. I love being first! (UFG eagerly goes inside the house. She sees Clara and Foxxy, then turns back to Toot.) Hey, I thought you said I was first! Clara and Foxxy are already here!

Toot: Well, you're the first among people who don't actually live here.

UFG: Oh. Okay, then. (UFG turns and waves at Clara and Foxxy. Clara and Foxxy wave back. UFG kicks her fuzzy slippers off, then goes to the center of the room and sits down on top of a green sleeping bag seemingly designated for her. She looks at the others excitedly.) So what kind of slumber party is this going to be? Like a high school slumber party or a college slumber party?

Foxxy: A women in their mid to late 20s slumber party.

UFG: Booze?

Toot: Of course.

UFG: Works for me! (The doorbell rings again.)

Clara: I'll get this one. (Clara walks over to the door and opens it.) Bleh, wearing a football jersey and pajama bottoms with tiny footballs on them, and Reunitee, wearing PJs with a maroon top and pink bottoms along with white fuzzy slippers, are standing on the step talking.) Hey, guys!

Bleh: Just a minute, Clara. (to Reunitee) And the next thing you know, everyone in the free world is under the impression that I'm a chronic bedwetter! I mean, where do they GET these ideas from?

Reunitee: They don't understand. None of them do.

Bleh: Did I ever tell you about this mean thing my cousin used to do to me? Well, back when I was still retarded, I had a bit of a drooling problem. So this one time, she put a lampshade on my head and tried to pretend that I was a lamp and the drool was a cord! I mean, how dorky can you be?

Clara: (glaring at Bleh) That was me, Bleh.

Bleh: I know, Clara. (She turns back to Reunitee.) So anyway, what was that you were saying about incorporating your husband's glasses into your sex play?

Clara, sensing she is being ignored, closes the door and walks away. Bleh opens the door and walks in while continuously maintaining her conversation with Reunitee. They kick off their slippers and sit down in the floor and begin talking to UFG. Clara walks back over to Foxxy and Toot.

UFG: Oh, you incoporated the bow tie too? Nice!

Clara: Well, guys, it looks like our guests are here. I guess the party can finally start. (At that moment, a booming voice can be heard from upstairs.)

Xandir: Hold on a second, guys! The guests AREN'T all here... (The women turn toward the top of the stairs. Xandir suddenly appears on the stairs. He is wearing the same nightgown he wore in "Xandir and Tim", along with curlers in his hair.)... until NOW, that is! (Xandir rushes down the stairs past Clara, Foxxy, and Toot, and runs to the center of the room giddily.) So what are we going to do first, you guys? Truth or Dare?

Clara: Okay, Xandir. We'll play Truth or Dare. I dare you to go take a flying-

Foxxy: (cutting Clara off) Now, Clara... there ain't no need to be hostile. Xandir has a perfect right to be here.

Clara: No, he doesn't, Foxxy! This party is for girls only! Xandir's a guy! (Foxxy looks at Clara.) Point taken.

Foxxy: Of course you can stay and join in our slumber party, Xandir. You is most welcome here.

Xandir: Yayyyyyy!

Xandir sits down in the center of the room amongst all the sleeping bags. Clara, Foxxy, and Toot walk over and sit down also.

Toot: So what ARE we going to do first, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Why... the same thing we do at the beginning of every slumber party, of course!

Toot: Compare boxes?

Foxxy: That's right!

Xandir: (scrambling to his feet) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He takes off back upstairs.)

Bleh: Wow, what got into him?

Foxxy: Who knows? Anyway, let's get our boxes out. (The girls each pull out a fancy gift-wrapped present.) Now this is an especially pretty box, I think. I just love the wrapping paper they used. Don't y'all?

The scene changes to an empty hotel room in another part of town. We see the doorknob slowly turn. The door opens slightly. A meek-looking young man in a matronly robe peers from behind the door.

Norman: Marion? Marion, are you there? Huh. I guess I must have the wrong room.

The young man slinks away. As soon as he is gone, Spanky bursts through the door, followed by Hero, Wooldoor, Ling-Ling, and a very reluctant (and blindfolded) Marty.

Spanky: All right! Here we are! Partyville, USA!

Marty: Can I take this blindfold off now?

Spanky: Yeah, I guess it would be all right. (Spanky nods to Hero, who turns and removes Marty's blindfold. Marty looks around the hotel room unimpressed.)

Marty: Seriously, you guys... this? THIS is what you felt you had to keep secret from me?

Hero: Well, we didn't want to spoil the surprise!

Marty: Yeah, if I had known about THIS ahead of time, it would have totally taken the fun out of it.

Spanky: Now, then, Marty, I bet you're wondering why we dragged you here?

Marty: You're going to butt rape me?

Spanky: Even better! Marty... you're about to get married, right?

Marty: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may get me roped into something I'd really rather not be a part of.

Hero: And Marty, you know what generally happens to the groom right before his wedding?

Marty: Oh, God, no, you're not. (He sighs.) Goddammit, you guys, I told you I don't want a bachelor party!

Hero: But there's gonna be a naked woman!

Spanky: Marty, don't you want one last chance to get wild and have fun with a naked woman before you chain yourself to Toot forever?

Marty: No! Believe it or not, I don't need any of that! Being married to Toot is all I need to be happy.

Hero: Toot is having a bachelor party.

Marty: I don't care. Toot can do what she wants. I just know that *I* don't have any particular interest in seeing another woman naked

Spanky: Well, we do! And WE are not going to let you cheat us out of this opportunity!

Marty: Fine, then. YOU guys have fun with your stripper. I'm going home.

Marty starts to walk out, but Hero grabs him. He and Marty face each other. Hero looks at Marty threateningly.

Spanky: I don't think you understand the way this works, Marty. You see, normally, if we decided we wanted to have fun with a stripper, our women would get mad at us. But... it's okay for us to look at naked women as long as it's in the context of a bachelor party. And once you walk out that door, it ceases being a bachelor party and turns into... well... a bunch of guys in a hotel room fooling around with a stripper.

Marty: Spanky, do you even HAVE a girlfriend?

Spanky: Actually, I'm married. (He pauses.) Sometimes. (He pauses again.) It was a common-law marriage. (He pauses again.) It's off and on. (He pauses again.) But this is not about me. (He turns to the rest of the group.) It's about Wooldoor.

Marty: (in disbelief) Wooldoor?

Spanky: Now if I look at a naked woman, I have to answer to my wife. Or not. Whatever. If Hero looks at a naked woman, he has to answer to Foxxy. Ling-Ling has to answer to Clara. But Wooldoor... if HE looks at a naked woman, he has to answer not only to his girlfriend, Unusually Flexible Girl, but he ALSO has to answer to Clara! And she'd be a lot harder on him than she would on Ling-Ling!

Marty: Why?

Wooldoor: I'm a minor. She thinks stuff like that corrupts my soul.

Marty: If you're a minor, what are you even doing at a bachelor party in the first place?

Spanky: Aha! So you admit that this is a bachelor party, then! Game on, my friend! Let's bring on the stripper! (The room is silent for a moment. Everyone looks around confused.) Um...

Wooldoor: She's not here yet, Spanky.

Spanky: Oh. Then I guess we'd better wait for her.

Wooldoor: Oh! I know! While we're waiting, let's play Truth or Dare!

Spanky: All right. Wooldoor, I dare you to suck my-

Wooldoor: No way, Spanky! I choose truth!

Spanky: Okay. Wooldoor... truth or dare. And you've already chosen truth, so you're obligated to answer this question honestly. Wooldoor, where does Ling-Ling keep his naked photos of Clara?

Ling-Ling: Objection!

Hero: You can't object, Ling-Ling! It's not your turn yet! (At that moment, there is a knock at the door.)

Ling-Ling: Oh, thank God, it stripper here!

Spanky: All right! Time for the party to really get going!

Spanky walks over to the door and opens it. In the doorway stands none other than Denise, wearing her usual bored expression.

Denise: You guys hire me to strip?

Wooldoor: We sure did!

Denise: (flatly) Great.

Denise walks into the room. She sets her bag down and pulls out a chair.

Hero: All right! She's going to start with a chair dance!

Denise proceeds to kick off her shoes and promptly sits down in the chair. The guys are confused. Denise grabs a newspaper on the table and begins reading it.

Spanky: Um, Denise... what are you doing?

Denise: What do you think I'm doing? I'm doing what you paid me to do.

Spanky: We paid you to take your clothes off. Not just your shoes.

Denise: Calm down, okay? I'll take the other stuff off too. When I'm ready for it.

The guys continue to stare in disbelief. Marty grows slightly more frustrated. The scene changes back to the girls' party. The girls are sitting around in a circle.

Bleh: Okay, Toot... truth or dare.

Toot: Truth.

Bleh: Who was the first celebrity you ever had a crush on?

Toot: Oh, God... do I have to say it?

Foxxy: That's kinda the point behind the whole "truth" part.

Toot: All right, all right. The first celebrity I ever had a crush on was... Mr. Peanut. (The other girls begin to chuckle. Toot blushes.)

Reunitee: Mr. Peanut?

Toot: Well, I can't help it! I love peanuts and he just seemed so... suave. So distinguished. He seemed like the kind of guy who would take a girl out for a fancy night on the town... (the other women sigh happily) ... and then bring you back home and shag your brains out!

Clara: Maybe THAT explains Foxxy's language skills! (Foxxy looks at Clara unamused.)

Toot: Of course, now that I think about it, he WAS awfully phallic-shaped. That probably had something to do with it.

Clara: Hey! I just thought of something! (The girls look at Clara.) Mr. Peanut seems like he was pretty shy. Do you think you could have gotten him to... come out of his shell? (Clara starts to laugh. None of the others do. Clara stops.) Oh, come on, people. I'm trying!

Toot: Okay, who's next?

Clara: (holding her hand up) Oh, I've got one! (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy... truth or dare.

Foxxy: (smiling) Dare.

Clara: Foxxy, I *dare* you to... start going to church every week and quit being such a whore! (Foxxy sighs.) What?

Toot: Okay, let's move onto someone else now. (She turns to UFG.) Stretchy girl... truth or dare.

UFG: Truth.

Toot: What's the freakiest thing you've ever used your stretchy powers to do... sexwise, I mean?

UFG: Oh, well, that's easy. I just contort my cherry into a-

Clara: Hey, you know what? I have an idea. UFG, just for me... why don't you take the dare instead?

UFG: (slightly confused, but willing to play along) The dare? Okay. (She looks at Toot.) Toot, I guess I'll take the dare.

Toot: All right. Stretchy girl, I *dare* you to... reenact the freakiest thing you've ever used your stretchy powers to do sexwise!

As UFG begins to pull her pajama bottoms down, Clara covers her face. Foxxy interrupts.

Foxxy: Now hold on just a second! Unusually Flexible Girl, if I might ask... who exactly was it you was doing that freaky stuff WITH?

UFG: (stopping) Uhhh... sorry, Foxxy, but no, you can't ask.

Foxxy: It was Captain Hero, wasn't it? (UFG is silent.) That's what I thought.

UFG: I... really don't think it's relevant who I was doing it with.

Foxxy: Nice try, Miss Goldberg. You think you and Captain Hero was freakier with the sex than he and I was and now you's just trying to rub it in my face!

Clara: (covering her face again) Oh God, THAT put an image in my head.

Foxxy: Well, I'll have you know that he and I is WAY more freakier than you two was! You want to hear about some of the things that he and *I* do? (Clara looks fearful.) Hero and *I*-

At that moment, the doorbell rings.

Clara: Oh, thank God! (Clara gets up and dashes over to the door and opens it. On the doorstep stands the talking banana wearing a police uniform.) Wooldoor? You're a cop now?

Banana: I'm not Wooldoor! I'm Sergeant Stripper! (He immediately covers his mouth in embarrassment.) Oops! I gave it away!

Clara sighs in frustration. Toot quickly gets up and scurries over to the door.

Toot: Oh, my God! He's here, everyone! The stripper's here!

Clara: Toot... what the hell? I did not authorize there being a stripper for this party!

Toot: I know you didn't. But I overruled you again. (Toot takes the banana by the hand and leads him inside.) I forgot to tell you to bring a boom box, but that's okay. We'll provide the music. (She walks over to the stereo.) Do you have a particular song you want to strip to?

Banana: Nah, just put on what you want. I'll make it work.

Toot: Okay!

Toot pushes a button on the stereo. "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" begins to play. The banana begins to dance. Toot sits back down and begins to enjoy the show with the other girls. Clara sighs and rejoins the group. She sits down next to Toot. The banana continues to dance and strip. Everyone is into it except Clara. Clara shrugs and turns to Toot.

Clara: Well, Toot, for what it's worth, I think you made a good choice in strippers.

Toot: Yeah?

Clara: Yeah. This stripper really has... appeal! (Clara chuckles. Toot just stares at her.) What? (Toot returns her eyes to the dancing banana. His top is off and he is waving it around like a cowboy waving a lariat. The girls cheer. Clara turns to Toot again.) Seriously, though, Toot, good choice.

Toot: Thanks!

Clara: I'm glad you hired this guy and not someone... well... fruity! (Clara tries to keep herself from laughing, but she can't help but snicker at her own joke. Toot glares at her again. Clara again looks at her in confusion.)

Toot: Does Xandir write your jokes now?

Clara: (turning back around) Never mind. (She mutters under her breath.) God. A talking banana? This has got to be the worst stripper ever!

Cut back to the guys. Spanky and Hero are sitting on the bed, both of them motionless and completely dumbfounded. The camera pans out to reveal that Denise, now completely naked, is sitting playing cards with Marty, Wooldoor, and Ling-Ling. Of the bunch, only Wooldoor is smiling. He is looking at Denise, who does not seem to notice him.

Denise: (laying her cards down) Read 'em and weep, guys! Full house!

Marty: (throwing his cards down) Crap. I'm out.

Ling-Ling: (throwing his cards down) Ling-Ling out too.

Marty: What about you, Wooldoor? (Wooldoor does not answer.) Wooldoor? (Wooldoor continues to stare at Denise. Marty shakes Wooldoor to snap him out of it.) Wooldoor, what cards do you have?

Wooldoor: Oh, cards? Are we playing cards? (He suddenly realizes.) Oh, that's right! (He lays his cards down.) I have a three of hearts, a four of spades, a jack of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a seven of spades. Do I win?

Denise: No. I won.

Wooldoor: Oh well. Guess I'll just go back to staring at your boobies again!

Denise: Why not, it's a free country. And by free, I mean pre-paid.

The four go back to playing cards. The camera pans over to Spanky and Hero on the bed. Spanky is hanging his head while Hero just sits there.

Spanky: God... I can't believe this.

Hero: I know.

Spanky: This is the worst bachelor party ever! The groom's not into it... the stripper's REALLY not into it!

Hero: Wooldoor seems to be enjoying it.

Spanky: Yeah, well, that's just because he isn't old enough yet to realize how much this sucks! (Spanky sighs and gets up. He walks over to Denise.) You're not much of a stripper. I hope you know that.

Denise: I took my clothes off. What more do you want?

Spanky: Well, for one thing, you're supposed to take them off all sexy! You don't just casually discard them like you're changing for work. And besides- (He walks over to a pole in the center of the room.) You haven't even made use of this special pole I had installed!

Denise: You didn't pay me to dance around, Spanky. You paid me to strip. Well, I stripped.

Spanky sighs and sits back down on the bed. The card game continues.

Wooldoor: I don't know what you're so upset about, Spanky. At least she's still naked!

Spanky: Wooldoor, if all I cared about was seeing this chick naked, I'd just visit her website! (He ponders for a moment.) I wish I had my computer with me right now. Even a virtual stripper would be better than this!

Hero nods. Spanky continues to sulk. The game continues.

Denise: Okay, Wooldoor, it's your turn. How many cards do you want?

Wooldoor: You have nice boobies.

Denise: Thank you, Wooldoor. I'll take that to mean you're going to stay?

Wooldoor: You bet I am!

Denise: How about you, Ling-Ling? (She looks in the direction of Ling-Ling's seat. He isn't there.) Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: (from under the table) What?

Denise: It's your turn.

Ling-Ling: Um... Marty can go ahead. Ling-Ling busy... um... looking at something.

Wooldoor: But Ling-Ling, you can't possibly see Denise's boobies from under the table!

Ling-Ling: That not what Ling-Ling looking at!

Marty: (hanging his head down) Oh, God.

Ling-Ling's head pops out from under the table next to Denise.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think filthy stripper whore lower parts look very nice, but if she interested in having Ling-Ling help her look better down below, here Ling-Ling card, he give her good rate. Offer good discount on pedicure/massage!

Denise: (nonchalantly taking the card) Thanks.

Hero: Well, looks like Wooldoor and Ling-Ling are both enjoying Denise's naked body... albeit not the same parts of said naked body. (He pauses for a moment.) Albeit not the part of her naked body I'D enjoy if it was my choice.

Spanky: God... if only there hadn't been a stupid stripper convention out of town this week... maybe I could have actually gotten somebody good!

Denise: I don't have to listen to this, you know. I have other things I could be doing.

Spanky: What? Whoring yourself out at the candy store?

Denise: No. As a matter of fact, I was invited to a party tonight. But I turned it down because I thought you guys really needed me.

Spanky: You mean because we paid you to come.

Denise: No, you gotta cough up much bigger bucks for that. (At that moment, a thought pops into Hero's head.)

Spanky: Blah, blah, blah, whatever. (He gets up and walks over to Denise.) Tell you what. (He pulls out some money.) If I give you an extra hundred, can we get rid of these losers and the two of us just-

Hero: Denise?

Denise: Yeah?

Hero: What party is this that you were invited to?

Denise: I dunno, some slumber party at that big house three blocks over. (Except for Wooldoor, who continues to stare at Denise's breasts, the guys all perk up.) It didn't really seem like my thing. (Spanky begins to grin.) Hell, I'd still go... if somebody was willing to pay me. But I somehow doubt a bunch of giggly girls would have much use for my services.

Spanky and Hero get up and stand next to Denise, each standing on one side of her.

Hero: Hey, Denise? (She looks at them.)

Spanky: How about if WE paid you to go?

Denise looks at them skeptically. Spanky continues to grin.

The scene changes back to the party. On the table, we see a plate with a bunch of crumbs, the remains of the penis cake. The women are finishing their snacks.

Bleh: Wow, Toot! Your penis was tasty!

Toot: Thanks, I know!

UFG: Yeah, the penis cake was good. I just kind of wish you'd gone with another flavor besides chocolate.

Foxxy: (standoffish) Why? Did you want one that looked like Captain Hero's penis?

UFG: I didn't mean anything, Foxxy. You don't have to interpret everything I say as a veiled reference to Captain Hero's penis.

Foxxy: You still want him, don't you? (UFG is shocked.)

UFG: Foxxy, all I said was that I don't really care for chocolate cake. I'm just talking about cake, okay?

Foxxy: Mmm hmmm.

Clara: Guys, guys! There's no need to fight. There's plenty of cake for everybody!

Foxxy: Oh now do YOU want a piece of Captain Hero now too, Clara?

Clara: No, I just mean... oh, never mind. I'm going to go to the kitchen for a moment.

As Foxxy and UFG continue to glare at each other, Clara gets up and leaves the room. Toot walks over to Bleh, who is looking at the penis mobile.

Toot: It's nice, isn't it?

Bleh: Yeah, it is.

Toot: You know, originally, we were going to have a penis pinata.

Reunitee: Oh, that would have been great!

Bleh: Yeah, we could have all taken turns whacking it!

The scene changes to Clara entering the kitchen. She walks over to the oven and opens it. She smiles.

Clara: Perfect!

Clara puts on an oven mitt and pulls a large fancy cake out of the oven. Clara continues beaming.

Clara: Oh, this is just the most beautiful cake ever! Once they taste this baby, they'll forget all about Toot's stupid penis cake! (Still smiling, Clara puts the cake on a tray. She picks it up. However, as soon as she does so, she shrieks.) Oh, my God!

Toot dashes in from the living room.

Toot: What's wrong, Clara?

Clara: My cake! My beautiful cake! Just look at it!

The camera cuts to an overhead shot of the cake. The top of the cake depicts a happy wedding scene with two birds holding a banner that reads "Congratulations Toot!". However, the birds holding the banner have been given very prominent erections, while the frosting design of the bride and groom has been altered to show them having sex. Additionally, underneath the words "Congratulations Toot!", the words "Now go get you some nasty!" can now be seen in small letters. Clara turns to Toot angrily.

Toot: Oh, yeah. The design you had on the cake was... how can I put this... way too Disney. So I spiced it up a bit! You know. Made it fun.

Clara: Toot, I slaved and slaved all afternoon over this cake because I wanted it to be perfect!

Toot: Well, Clara, the cake still tastes the same. I just made it look a little nicer!

Clara: Toot, you didn't make it look nicer! It was a beautiful cake... and now you've ruined it!

Toot: Well, sorry! I didn't know some fruity bird design was so important to you! (Clara does a slow burn. Toot stands looking at her, not knowing what to say.) Clara? You okay?

Clara: You know what, Toot? I don't know why you even bothered making me your maid of honor when you're just going to dump on every decision I make. Well, you know what? Since you're so intent on choosing every damn little thing about this whole affair, you can just keep on doing it. I hereby resign my position as maid of honor!

With this, Clara storms out. Toot looks after her sorrowfully.

Toot: Clara? Clara, I'm sorry. Clara?

Toot runs into the living room, intent on chasing after Clara. As soon as her feet cross the threshold, she is greeted with an ugly scene.

UFG: Foxxy, you have to quit being so damn paranoid! You're the one who's with Captain Hero now, not me! I should think that would be enough for you!

Foxxy: Maybe. But it sure don't seem to be enough for you, does it?

UFG: (turning around in frustration) God! (She is on the verge of tears.) I don't know how you can act like this, Foxxy! If it was me getting married to Captain Hero... (she begins to cry)... and having his baby-

The facade cracks. UFG breaks down crying. Foxxy's expression changes. She walks over to UFG.

Foxxy: Is that what this is about, Unusually Flexible Girl? Me and Hero getting married?

UFG: I tried and tried to get him to marry me and he never would! But somehow when YOU come along... whoa, different story!

Foxxy: Mandy, I don't-

UFG: And not only that, this isn't even your bachelorette party! (UFG points to Toot.) It's hers! Both of you are getting married before me! Hell, Clara's married already! So that's three of you! (She turns to Bleh and Reunitee.) And what about you guys? Are you married?

Reunitee: Um... I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I might leave myself open to the possibility of getting my ass kicked.

UFG: That answers that question. And what about you, Bleh?

Bleh: Me? No! I'm not married! I don't even have a boyfriend right now! (UFG begins to calm down.)

UFG: Oh. Well, that's good. So maybe I'm not so desperate after all.

Bleh: Of course, I am ten years younger than you. (UFG begins to bawl again. The others look at Bleh in annoyance. Bleh becomes embarrassed.)

Foxxy: Mandy, why do you think you're so desperate, anyway? You're dating Wooldoor, aren't you?

UFG: Well, yeah, but... he's still so young! It'll be a few more years before he's even at the age of consent, let alone old enough for us to get married or anything!

Foxxy: So... you're dating a man who's younger than you? I mean, really, really, really younger than you? (UFG nods, confused.) So how desperate could you be, then, if you're still capable of landing a guy who's young, hot, and just beginning to enter the prime of his life?

UFG: (her tears beginning to dry) Hey, yeah! I'm not desperate at all! I'm dating jailbait right now! You know what that makes me?

Bleh: A cougar?

UFG starts bawling again and runs from the room. Foxxy and Toot glare at Bleh. Toot turns to Foxxy.

Toot: Well, Foxxy... despite all the penises, it does appear that this party has gone south.

Foxxy: Yeah, it looks like it has. (At that moment, the doorbell rings.)

Toot: (flatly) Oh joy. Who could this be now?

Foxxy: Maybe it's the guys.

Toot: Don't be silly. The guys hired a stripper. Marty texted me from the hotel room to tell me about it.

Foxxy: And you're okay with that?

Toot: Why not? That's what they do at bachelor parties. And besides... (Toot gestures toward the penis mobile, then the naked banana stripper, then the remains of the penis cake)... I'm not really in much of a position to criticize.

Foxxy: True.

Toot: Besides, I really got the impression that Marty wasn't enjoying it that much.

Foxxy: I wonder why that would be.

Toot: Who knows? But the guys are surely still in the hotel room with their stripper. There's no way they could be here! (The doorbell rings again.)

Foxxy: Well, SOMEBODY'S here.

Toot: I'll get it. (Toot walks over to the door and opens it. She looks confused.) Hello, can I help you?

Denise: Yes, I was invited to this party here. My name's Denise.

Toot: Denise? I don't- (she realizes) Oh, right! The whore from the candy store!

Denise: Right, that's me.

Foxxy: Toot, why did you invite the whore from the store to your slumber party?

Toot: I thought that maybe we could sit around telling naughty stories, and I'm sure that she'd have some good ones she could share.

Foxxy: Toot, Clara specifically said that you couldn't- (Toot looks at Foxxy.) You overruled her again, didn't you?

Toot: Yeah, pretty much. Speaking of Clara... I've got to go. I'll catch you guys later, okay?

Foxxy: Toot, what the hell is you- (Toot ignores Foxxy and scampers out.) Okay, never mind. (Foxxy turns to Denise.) So how can we help you?

Denise: You got me!

Foxxy: Well, feel free to come in and make yourself at home.

Denise: Don't mind if I do. (Denise enters the living room. She immediately kicks her shoes off again, then proceeds to start removing her top. Foxxy stops her.)

Foxxy: Um, that's okay. You don't have to do that here. Nobody's hiring you to whore.

Banana: (suddenly appearing next to the pair) Speak for yourself! (The banana reaches into his G-string and pulls out a huge wad of bills.) I'll give you everything I made tonight if you'll do me!

Denise: Yeah, sure, why not. (Denise grabs the banana's hand and takes him upstairs. Foxxy stands staring in confusion.)

The scene changes to the back yard. The guys are standing around outside.

Hero: Spanky, are you sure this will work?

Spanky: Of course it will, guys! Denise seems to have succeeded in infiltrating the party like we planned. Now all she has to do is come around to the back and unlock the door, and we are in!

Wooldoor: Wow, Spanky! Crashing the girls' party was a great idea!

Spanky: It is, isn't it? And best of all-

In a flash, Hero grabs Spanky from behind and covers his mouth.

Hero: I am not gonna let you jinx this for us this time, Spanky! (Spanky begins to cough. Hero releases him.)

Spanky: Fair enough.

Wooldoor: So now what do we do?

Spanky: We wait, Wooldoor. We wait.

The guys stand silent for a moment, just waiting. A few seconds pass. Nothing happens. Wooldoor looks at his watch impatiently, then looks back up. The guys look around at each other apprehensively.

Spanky: Don't worry, you guys. She'll be here any minute.

The scene changes to Hero in the confessional. Wooldoor creeps up behind Hero, who does not notice Wooldoor's presence.

Hero (in confessional): But...

Wooldoor turns around and moons the camera. Hero does not notice. Cut back to the guys. They are sitting down, thoroughly exhausted. All of them- even Ling-Ling- have beard stubble. Wooldoor, on the verge of going stir crazy, begins to gnaw on his own foot. The others are merely exasperated.

Spanky: Oh, goddammit! What is taking her so long?

Cut to Spanky's bedroom upstairs. Denise and the banana have just finished having sex. Denise is smoking a cigarette.

Banana: Wanna go again?

Denise: But you don't have any more money!

Banana: That's okay. I'll go downstairs and do another set later and I'll pay you with the money I make from that.

Denise: Yeah, sure, okay.

Denise puts out the cigarette. She and the banana resume having sex. The scene changes back to the guys.

Spanky: Well, guys... it looks as if we have been left in the lurch.

Hero: Yes.

Spanky: I guess that means there's only one thing left for us to do.

Marty: Yes, it does. (He mutters under his breath.) Thank God.

Spanky: Time to resort to Plan B!

Marty: (getting up) Plan B?

Spanky: That's right. Now I know you're probably asking me, "Spanky- what's Plan B?".

Marty: No!

Spanky: No?

Marty: No, that's not what I'm asking you at all. Spanky, I don't friggin' CARE what Plan B is! I have had it! Okay? I have had it with this whole stupid shenanigan! I didn't want to have a bachelor party, but I went along with it. I didn't want to have a stripper, but again, I went along with it. And as hard as this may be for you to believe, I'm not especially interested in crashing the girls' party either! Now I went along with all this because YOU guys seemed so excited about it! But I'm done now! You hear me? I don't want to be a part of this anymore! I don't care about some stupid party, you guys. All I want is to marry Toot. Now if she wants to have a little fun before she ties the knot, that's her right. I wish her the best in that regard. It's just not for me, okay? (He turns to walk away.) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go a sports bar and watch a ballgame. There won't be any naked women there, but that's fine with me. For the rest of my life, Toot is the only woman I care about seeing naked. (Marty walks off.)

Spanky: Hey, Marty, what bar are you going to?

Marty: (as he leaves) Yeah, right! (Marty is gone. The guys stand looking humbled for a moment. They turn to Spanky.)

Hero: So what's Plan B?

Wooldoor: Yeah!

Spanky: Well, I'll tell you what Plan B is!

Spanky motions the guys to draw closer to him. He puts one arm around Hero and another around Wooldoor while Ling-Ling looks on. The guys begin whispering. Cut back to the girls' party. Bleh and Reunitee are busy chatting. Toot walks up to them.

Bleh: But as it turns out, Mexico is like, a whole other country!

Reunitee: I see what you mean.

Toot: Hey, guys.

Bleh: Oh, hey, Toot.

Toot: Neither of you have seen Clara, have you?

Bleh: Oh, I did. (Toot perks up.)

Toot: When?

Bleh: Earlier tonight. Right after we finished chowing down on your large brown penis.

Clara (in confessional): Oh, now, that was gratuitous!

Toot: No, Bleh. I mean after that.

Bleh: Then I would have to say no.

Toot: Reunitee?

Bleh: Yeah, I've seen Reunitee. She's sitting right next to me!

Toot: No... I'm asking Reunitee if she's seen Clara.

Reunitee: Sorry, Toot. Haven't seen her.

Toot: Maybe she's upstairs. I'll go check for her up there. (Toot leaves. Bleh and Reunitee resume their conversation. Foxxy walks up to them.)

Foxxy: Hey, y'all! Have you seen-

Bleh: No, Foxxy, we haven't seen Clara. Or Unusually Flexible Girl.

Foxxy: Well, actually, that wasn't what I was going to ask you. I was going to ask y'all if you've seen my sweet, sweet ass! (Foxxy turns around and begins shaking her booty.) Isn't it nice, y'all?

Bleh: Sure, Foxxy. It's very nice. But, um... why did you ask us if we've seen your ass?

Foxxy: Now hold on a second. Was it my ass that I was wanting to know if you've seen? No, wait... I guess it WAS Unusually Flexible Girl. See, I was just confused cause the both of them be needin' a good smackin'!

Bleh: Okay, I think I just became retarded again.

Foxxy walks off, shaking her head in annoyance.

Clara (in confessional): I was still totally upset with Toot. A part of me wanted to just bail on the stupid wedding thing altogether. But no... Toot was my friend and I owed it to her to be there for the big day. But that couldn't help me wanting to get back at her in some way for what she did.

Cut to Clara's room. The door opens. Clara enters, slamming the door behind her. Still very angry, she sits down on the bed. After taking a moment to fume, she sighs and begins to think.

Clara: Now let's see... maybe I could get married again, make her my maid of honor, and then do the same thing to HER! Hmm... I wonder if Ling-Ling would be willing to divorce and then remarry me just to spite Toot. Or maybe I'll just tell Ling-Ling to eat her again. It hasn't happened in a while, she's probably got it coming to her for SOMETHING.

Clara continues to think. After a moment, she is snapped from her contemplation by a sound outside the window. Confused, she gets up and walks over to the window. She looks out. Down in the yard, she sees the guys standing around. Xandir walks up to the group carrying a large grocery bag. The scene changes to the guys in the yard.

Xandir: Okay, guys, here you go! Everything you need to infiltrate the girls' party!

Hero: Thanks, Xandir! We couldn't have done it without you! (The guys eagerly take the bag from Xandir and begin rummaging through it. The bag seems to contain a lot of clothes.)

Xandir: Now remember the deal, guys. In return for bringing you all this stuff from upstairs, you're going to help me sneak into the party with you!

Spanky: Sure, sure, whatever you say!

Spanky puts the bag down. The guys are clearly assuming disguises of some sort. Xandir picks up the bag and pulls out a sequinned dress. The scene changes back to Clara upstairs watching them.

Clara: Why, those little sneaks! They're going to try to crash the party! Well, I'm not going to let them get away with this. Those bastards will be damned if I'm going to let them ruin- (Suddenly she stops.) Wait a minute. (A slight smile cracks Clara's face.) Maybe that's how I can get back at Toot. I can let the guys crash and totally ruin the party! (Clara looks up to the sky and lets out a big laugh. After a moment, the laugh begins to take on a decidedly maniacal tone. As soon as Clara realizes this, she covers her mouth in a panic.) Oh, my God! Did I... did I just become evil again? (She begins to think.) Okay, I'm not crusading against a moral wrong of some sort here. (She gasps in horror.) Oh, no! I'm not Evil Clara! I'm Vindictive Bitch Clara now! (She returns to normal.) Ah, well, I've been good for three years now, I'm probably due a relapse.

Clara turns and exits her room. Without pausing, she passes through the hallway and heads downstairs. She proceeds to make her way through the living room.

Bleh: Hey, Clara, Toot was just looking- (Clara stops.)

Clara: At your butt? (Clara begins celebrating.) Oh, yeah! I'm on fire tonight! Somebody stop me! (Clara turns and continues on into the kitchen.)

Bleh: Ugh! I hated that movie The Mask!

Reunitee: Me too. It's one of my least favorite movies of all time!

Bleh: Yeah.

Reunitee: In fact, the only movie I think I liked even less than The Mask was I Am Sam!

The smile immediately leaves Bleh's face. She turns toward Reunitee angrily.

Bleh: You bitch!

Bleh grabs Reunitee by the throat. Reunitee struggles to get out of Bleh's grip, but can only succeed in wrestling her to the ground. Cut to the kitchen. Clara walks briskly across the kitchen floor to the back door. There is a rap on the door. Clara immediately opens the door. Standing in front of her are Spanky, Hero, Wooldoor, and Xandir, all wearing women's clothing. Clara stares at the group in disbelief, unable to say a word.

Spanky: (in a high-pitched voice) Um, excuse me?

Clara: (snapping herself out of it) Yes? Can I... help you guys... er, gals... with something?

Hero: (in a high-pitched voice) We're here for the slumber party!

Clara: Are you, now?

Xandir: (in his normal voice) Yes, um... sorry we're late.

Clara: Okay... Well, look. I don't remember Toot inviting you guys to the party-

Wooldoor: (in a high-pitched voice) We're relatives!

Xandir: We promise!

Clara: Okay. You say you're relatives? Fine, I believe you.

Spanky: So you're going to let us in?

Clara: Sure, why not?

Surprised at their good fortune, the guys turn to each other excitedly. However, just as Clara is about to open the door to let them in, Toot walks up behind her.

Toot: Clara! Oh, thank God I found you!

Clara: Um, Toot, um... can this wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Toot: In the middle of what? Clara, I wanted to apologize for before. I shouldn't have- (She sees the guys. Her eyes grow wide.) Oooookayyyyyyy. Um... (She points to the guys in confusion and looks at Clara.) Clara, what the hell is this?

Clara: These are your relatives, Toot. They've come to join the party!

Toot: My relatives? Those don't look like my relatives! (Clara turns to the guys and shrugs.)

Clara: Sorry, guys. But Toot says she doesn't know you. So I guess-

Toot: But what the hell? This is a party, right? The more the merrier! Go on, Clara, and let them in!

Clara: You WANT them at your party? On second thought... Toot, that may not be such a good idea.

Toot: Why not?

Clara: Toot, I have reason to suspect that these "women" are actually guys.

Hero: (still in a high-pitched voice) We're not guys!

Spanky: (still in a high-pitched voice as well) Yeah! We're women!

Toot: So what if they're guys? As it stands, this party is totally tanking! Having some guys in here might make things more interesting!

Clara: But that was supposed to be the first rule of tonight's slumber party! No guys allowed!

Toot: Well, I think- (Suddenly, Toot catches sight of Clara. Clara looks at Toot pleadingly. Toot acquiesces.) Okay, Clara. You're right. We agreed this party was going to be girls only, so girls only it is. No guys.

Xandir: But Toot, we're not guys!

Wooldoor: Yeah, Toot! We're your relatives!

Hero: Your female relatives!

Toot: Oh, are you? (They all nod eagerly.) And may I ask which of my female relatives you are?

Clara: (to Toot) You know, I can't help but notice that this one looks an awful lot like Spanky.

Spanky: Um... well... I look an awful lot like Spanky because... um... I'm his wife! Mrs. Ham! Yeah, that's why I look like him. Family resemblance! Okay, I guess I'm not technically a relative of YOURS, but... I'm still female! So I can still be at the party.

Toot: Allllllright. (She looks at Hero.) And you?

Hero: I'm Captain Hero's sister, Captain She-Ro! You have to admit, I do look an awful lot like her!

Clara: I suppose that IS true.

Toot: True. And um... (She looks at Wooldoor.) You?

Wooldoor: Toot, don't you recognize me? I'm your mother!

Toot: My mother?

Wooldoor straightens his wig and adjusts his makeup. He smiles at Toot and blows her a kiss.

Toot: You know what? I'm going to let that one pass for the comedic value alone!

Clara: Right, but what about- (Suddenly, Clara notices something strange about Wooldoor. She looks down at his stomach.) Um, excuse me, Wool- I mean, Mrs. Braunstein. But are you... (She points to Wooldoor's stomach. There is a decided bulge.)

Wooldoor: Oh, yeah. I'm pregnant now.

Toot: Pregnant? What the-

Cut to the inside of Wooldoor's blouse. We see Ling-Ling puffing and panting and wiping his brow. The camera cuts back to the group.

Spanky: Yes, Mrs. Braunstein is pregnant. But it's okay. The baby is a girl so it can still come to the party!

Toot: I see. (She turns to Xandir.) And who would you be?

Xandir: Why, Toot, don't you recognize me? I'm your cousin!

Toot: My cousin? But... which one?

Xandir: Um... that one that you haven't seen in a long time.

Toot: I have a lot of cousins like that. You'll have to be more specific.

Xandir: Um... Martha?

Toot: I don't have a cousin Martha.

Xandir: Your cousin Brenda?

Toot: I don't have a cousin Brenda.

Xandir: (struggling to come up with an answer) Um...

Toot: Wait! I know! Cousin Patty?

Xandir: Yes! That's it! That's who I am! Cousin Patty!

Toot: Wow! Cousin Patty! (Toot and Xandir both act excited. However, Toot's mood quickly changes after a moment.) I *hate* Cousin Patty!

Xandir: No, wait! I'm not Cousin Patty at all! I'm Cousin... um... Ethel! You have a cousin Ethel, right?

Toot: (slamming the door in Xandir's face) Go to hell, you bitch!

Xandir: Ow, my ass!

Toot turns and walks over to the counter. Clara turns to her.

Clara: You know, for a moment there, I wasn't sure if you knew it was the guys or not.

Toot: Of course I knew it was the guys! I'm not dumb!

Clara: No. No, you're not.

The girls pause. There is a moment of awkward silence.

Clara: So.

Toot: Yeah.

Clara: So you were saying something about an apology?

Toot: Right.

Clara: That is... if you still felt like giving it?

Toot is silent for a moment. She then turns to Clara.

Toot: Clara?

Clara: Yes, Toot?

Toot: Clara, I'm sorry I overruled all your decisions. I guess I just got so caught up the excitement of it all that I forgot about your feelings.

Clara: Well, that's okay, Toot. It's your big day and I want everything to be perfect for you. I guess the reason I got so upset about everything was because... I knew how special this day was for you, and I just wanted to feel like I was playing a part in it.

Toot: I know, Clara. But you ARE playing a part in it. I mean... I'm very hard to please. I'll be the first to admit that. To be honest, I probably would have ended up making my own decisions no matter who ended up being my maid of honor.

Clara: Well, then, if that's the case, then why does it matter whether I'm-

Toot: Just let me finish, I'm getting to that. Clara, being maid of honor is more than just organizing everything and making all of the wedding decisions. It's about working hand in hand with the bride and putting up with her every capricious whim. And more importantly, it's about being a good friend to her. And Clara, through all this, you've been the best friend I could ever hope for. (Clara smiles.) Clara, no matter whose ideas ended up being the ones we used, well... what made this so fun was all the time we got to spend planning it together.

Clara: Thanks, Toot. I guess you're right.

Toot: So what do you say? (She holds out her hand to Clara.) Will you be my maid of honor again?

Clara: Oh, of course I will, Toot!

Clara ignores Toot's hand and leans in and hugs her. The two hug for a moment.

Toot: So, Clara.

Clara: Hmm?

Toot: How long can two girls hug before it starts taking on lesbian overtones?

Clara: I think we'd better stop right now.

Toot: Good idea.

The two break away from each other. They proceed to walk out of the kitchen and enter the living room. Foxxy and UFG are patching things up.

UFG: Oh, Foxxy! I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. I don't want Hero anymore. Really, I don't! I'm happy with my life now!

Foxxy: And I'm sorry too, Mandy. Honestly, I shouldn't let myself get all jealous about things. I know that if Hero truly wanted to be with you instead of me, he'd BE with you instead of me. But he's with me now, and I trust him.

UFG: You should, Foxxy. Hero loves you. He and I just weren't meant to be.

Foxxy: And Mandy, I'm sorry that I didn't take your situation into consideration. I should have realized that even if you're over somebody, it can still hurt to be reminded of what happened.

UFG: Thanks, Foxxy. (Foxxy nods.) Hug it out?

Foxxy: Let's hug it out!

Foxxy and UFG proceed to hug. As the others watch, they continue to hug for a moment. The hug continues for a few moments longer. Clara and Toot begin to become impatient. As Foxxy and UFG continue hugging, Toot walks past them casually.

Toot: Lesbos!

At that, Foxxy and UFG immediately break away from each other. They shake hands and go on about their business. Down on the floor, Bleh and Reunitee are patching up their differences as well.

Bleh: You know, I can't believe I snapped like that. I totally forgot, I don't even *like* I Am Sam all that much!

Reunitee: That film really does reduce Penn to a mugging embarrassment.

Bleh looks at Reunitee strangely. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on Spanky and Hero. They are back in their hotel room, sitting on top of the same bed on which they sat earlier. However, this time, their expressions are very eager. Raunchy music is playing. The camera pulls back a little. It becomes apparent that they are watching a stripper perform.

Hero: This was a great idea you had, Spanky!

Spanky: Yeah! I don't know why we didn't just do this in the first place!

Spanky and Hero continue to enjoy the show. The music continues to play. The camera pulls back. We see that the stripper is none other than Wooldoor, doing a dance similar to the one he did in Captain Girl. He begins to strut in front of Hero and Spanky. He bends over and smacks his own bottom. Hero cheers and circles his fist in the air. Spanky begins stuffing a bunch of dollar bills down Wooldoor's G-string. Wooldoor puts his hands on the back of his head and proceeds to shake his stuff.

Wooldoor: Wow! With all the money I'm making here tonight, I might just earn enough to have Denise show me her boobies again!

Wooldoor continues to dance. Spanky and Hero are still very much enjoying the show. Spanky pulls another wad of cash out of his pocket and motions Wooldoor closer. The scene fades.


THE END