Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jun 28, 2009 20:12:04 GMT -5
A TALE OF TWO WOMBS
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Dawn is breaking. We see the familiar shot of the rooster crowing. The scene cuts to inside the house. The camera is about to go inside Foxxy and Hero's bedroom when a shrill, familiar voice interrupts.
Toot: (offscreen) Hey! What are you assholes showing the house for? I'm not even there right now! (The camera lingers on a shot of Foxxy's door for a moment, seemingly unaware of what to do.) You can get back to the house in a minute. MY bit comes first in this episode.
The camera tilts up and down a couple of times as if to nod in acknowledgement. The scene changes to Toot in the confessional. The confessional is French-themed, with wine and cheese all around and a giant flag of France as the backdrop. Toot's outfit is hastily thrown on, and she is not wearing shoes or stockings. She is, however, wearing a beret.
Toot (in confessional): Thank you. Anyway, I'm not going to be in the main part of the episode this week, but I thought you guys might like to know what happened with me and Marty on our honeymoon. I got three words. Hot... sex. Wait, that's just two words. LOTS... of hot sex. Okay, now that's four words. Let me try again. MUCHO hot sex. Okay, now that just sounds awkward. Anyway, there was much sex being had and we were the ones having it. But don't worry, that wasn't ALL we did on our honeymoon.
Clara: (offscreen) Oh, thank God! I was actually worried about that. (Toot looks offscreen to her left, extremely confused.)
Toot (in confessional): Clara? What the F? How are you interrupting my confessional? I'm in France right now!
Clara: (offscreen) I know. And I'm on the telephone. You called me in the middle of your hot sex with Marty to tell me about the hot sex you were having with Marty.
Toot (in confessional): And you're still on the line?
Clara: (offscreen) It wasn't that long ago.
Toot (in confessional): Not that long ago? But- (At that moment, another voice rings out.)
Marty: (offscreen) Toot, can you get back in here so we can finish the hot sex? The mime is starting to look at me funny.
Toot (in confessional): I'll be there in just a moment, Marty! (She turns back to the camera.) I guess I'd better make this quick. I'll tell you what, I'll just play a montage. Here, enjoy.
Clara: (offscreen) Can I hang up now?
Toot (in confessional): Sure, Clara.
The montage begins. As French music begins to play, the first shot we see is of a sprawling French countryside. High on the hill is a dirt path. Toot and Marty, both riding bicycles, come into view. Each is carrying a baguette. Both are laughing. A stereotypical Frenchman with a pencil mustache and a striped shirt comes into view. Toot and Marty, both still laughing, bump into him with their bikes and continue on their way as the Frenchman goes rolling down the hill. Next, the scene changes to the Eiffel Tower. Toot and Marty are high up in the tower, looking out and enjoying the view. Marty is taking pictures. A grin forms on Toot's face. She runs to the railing, climbs over it, and dangles over the edge by her legs. Marty rushes over to her and grabs her, pulling her away from the railing. However, in the process, he loses his camera over the edge. We see the same Frenchman walking on the ground below. The camera hits him square in the head. He rubs his head in pain and looks confused. Next, we see Toot and Marty, both in bare feet, standing in a vat crushing grapes. In the middle of stomping, they stop and look at each other. Realizing they are alone, they grab onto each other and tumble into the mass of crushed grapes. The foreman, however, sees them. He sighs and turns to his assistant, speaking in French. His subtitles read, "That's okay, we'll just sell this batch in the French K-Mart". The assistant nods. Finally, the scene changes to an exterior shot of a small French cafe. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see all manner of French stereotypes in attendance. At one table, we see Hercule Poirot, who looks at the camera with annoyance. He speaks an angry statement in French while his subtitles read. "I am not French, damn you, I am Belgian! Although I do like to visit the French countryside sometimes." Toot and Marty enter the scene.
Toot: War just broke out! (Immediately, every French person in the cafe dives under the table in terror.) I mean, my cousin, Bob War. He fell in poison ivy and broke out in a huge rash! Guys? (Nobody moves. Toot and Marty walk over the bar.) Hey, barkeep, can I have a bottle of wine and not pay for it?
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't really do that here.
Toot: German army.
Bartender: (fearfully throwing his hands up) I surrender!
He dives under the bar. Toot looks at him with curiosity. She shrugs and grabs a bottle of wine off the counter and walks away from the counter. Walking back to the main seating area, she notices that all of the patrons are still under the table except for Hercule Poirot.
Toot: Hey! How come you're not under the table with the rest of those French bastards?
Hercule Poirot: Because as I said previously, madame, I am not French, I am Belgian. Although I do like to visit the French countryside sometimes.
Marty: I see. (At that moment, a voice rings out from the back of the cafe.)
Woman: Help! My husband has been murdered! Can somebody help solve the crime? (Poirot reacts with annoyance.)
Poirot: (sighing) Bon dieu! Even here. (At that moment, an elderly woman looking very much like Angela Lansbury walks up behind Poirot.)
Jessica Fletcher: Actually, I think this one might have been my fault.
Toot and Marty shrug and walk out of the cafe. On the sidewalk outside the cafe, we see a French mime doing shtick. Toot and Marty look at each other, then look back at the mime. He is doing the standard "trapped in a box" routine. Toot leans over and whispers in Marty's ear. Marty nods. They proceed to grab the mime by the arm and run off with him.
Mime: Help! Help! (Immediately realizing his faux pas, the mime covers his mouth in shame.)
The scene changes back to Toot in the confessional. She swings one leg over the other and begins dangling her foot.
Toot (in confessional): Ah, stereotypes. Aren't they great? Well, anyway, that's what's happening with Marty and me at the moment. I guess I'll turn the show over to those other assholes now. (She sighs.)
Marty: (offscreen) No, you stupid mime, I don't want a pretend apple!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the hallway upstairs. The camera once again makes its way toward Foxxy and Hero's bedroom. It stops, seemingly hesitating over whether or not it will be okay to go forward this time. Nothing happens. The camera finally goes inside the bedroom. We see Foxxy and Hero cuddling in bed together.
Hero: That was great.
Foxxy: Isn't it always?
Hero: There was that one time it wasn't. That time Wooldoor interrupted us. The actual sex itself was pretty good. The interrupting I didn't really care for. (He turns to her.) Although I did appreciate your attempt to incorporate his interjection into our sex play!
Foxxy: What makes me laugh is that Wooldoor actual put on the vicar costume for it!
Hero: He likes to play dress-up.
Foxxy: Yes, he does.
Hero: (looking at the clock on the nightstand) Well... it looks like we still have half an hour before I have to go to work. Wanna go again?
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Captain Hero? You don't have a job!
Hero: You're right. (He looks disappointed.) I guess the sex is out, then.
Foxxy: Or... we could have sex and you just be late. (Hero perks up.) Late to the job you don't have.
Hero: You're right, Foxxy! That's a brilliant idea! Do you think we can make it work?
Foxxy: That depends, Captain Hero. How fast can you get an erec- (She looks down at his crotch area)- okay, you're way ahead of me on that one.
Hero: (looking at Foxxy seductively) I figured this time you could be a captured Soviet spy during the Cold War and I'm shaking you down for information!
Foxxy: Let's do it!
Hero moves over on top of Foxxy and begins having sex with her.
Hero: I got you now, you dirty Russian whore!
Foxxy: (in a Russian accent) You never get superspy Nicolai St. Foxxyovich to talk!
Hero: (momentarily stopping) I like the accent. Nice!
Foxxy: Thanks!
Hero: (resuming the sex) So tell you where you hid the secret microfilm!
Foxxy: (resuming her accent) Oh, Captain Hero, I see I will not be able to resist your sexy American interrogation technique! All right, I tell you then. I hide microfilm up snatch.
Hero: Your snatch, eh?
Foxxy: You'll have to fish it out with your big American penis.
Hero: Oh, I will, Foxxy! I will!
As Hero continues thrusting, the door suddenly opens. Wooldoor bursts in.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero! Captain Hero!
Hero: Dammit, Wooldoor!
Foxxy: (dropping the accent) It's okay, I've got this one. (Foxxy bolts out of bed. Quickly grabbing a tiny suit out from under the nightstand, she hurries over to Wooldoor and puts the suit on him. We see that the suit contains a button that says "CIA director".)
Wooldoor: Um, what?
Foxxy: (resuming her accent) Oh, please, American CIA director! Do not execute the Foxxyovich! She in process of defecting to your American side!
Hero: (to Wooldoor) I was about to stamp her passport!
Wooldoor: Passport? That's stupid! I'm not playing along with this. (Hero and Foxxy look worried.) She doesn't need a passport if she's going to defect! I'll just use my CIA position to secure her diplomatic immunity! (A thoughtful look forms on his face.) That is... if we're sure we can trust her!
Foxxy: You can trust the Foxxyovich implicitly! She give you list of secret Soviet contacts to prove her loyalty! And expensive Belgian chocolates! (She looks at Wooldoor.) Belgians give Soviets anything we want. They totally our bitches.
Wooldoor: (to Hero) Did you find the secret microfilm?
Hero: Not yet. It's hidden in there pretty deep. I guess I'll just have to start probing her harder.
Foxxy: Oh, yes, Captain Hero! Yes!
Wooldoor: Fine, then. You get the microfilm from the Russian whore and I'll let her stay in the country.
Foxxy: Oh, thank you, Comrade Wooldoorvitch!
Wooldoor: Shh, quiet, Foxxy! Nobody's supposed to know my secret background until later!
Foxxy: Oh, right. Sorry.
Wooldoor: I'll leave you two kids alone, then. (He salutes Hero.) I'll see you later.
Hero: See you later, CIA director Sockbat!
Wooldoor turns and leaves. Foxxy scurries back into bed. She and Hero immediately resume having sex. The door opens once again. Foxxy and Hero look up, alarmed.
Wooldoor: Oh, I almost forgot. You two have your sonogram in half an hour. Don't be late. (He exits again. Foxxy and Hero turn to each other.)
Hero: Awwww! I wanted to keep having sex!
Foxxy: Hero, don't you want to find out the sex of our baby?
Hero: I don't think babies should be having sex, Foxxy.
Foxxy: I meant find out whether it's a boy or a girl.
Hero: Oh. Well, I guess I am curious about that.
Foxxy: At least that way we'll know whether or not we'll need to make the decision about whether or not to give it a bris.
Hero: Oh, I hope it's a girl so we don't have to decide. I don't want to go through THAT mess again!
Foxxy: Me either. (She sighs and gets up.) Well, I guess we'd better get dressed so we can go find out. (As Foxxy begins putting her clothes back on, Hero does not move. She turns to him.) Captain Hero? (He looks at her.) Ain't you getting dressed?
Hero: Can I not go to it naked?
Foxxy: Pretty sure that's frowned on.
Hero: Eh, it's Wooldoor. He'll let it go if it's me.
Foxxy: He might decide it's time for another penis exam.
Hero: I'll get my clothes on.
Hero gets up and begins getting dressed.
Toot (in confessional): Meanwhile, speaking of babies, another couple was working on that very thing right at that moment. (She pauses.) Uh, yeah, I guess I'm narrating this one or something. Just... cut to Clara, okay?
The scene changes to Clara and Ling-Ling's bedroom. Ling-Ling sits on the bed, somewhat nervous. Clara, in her nightclothes, emerges from the bathroom holding a pregnancy test. Her expression is somber, and she is somewhat queasy.
Ling-Ling: Nothing?
Clara: Nada.
Ling-Ling: Goddammit, what problem? Why Carla still not pregnant?
Clara: I don't know, Ling-Ling. We've been at this for months now.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling really thought we had it this time.
Clara: Me too, Ling-Ling. I was so excited when I woke up this morning and immediately had to vomit! But then... (She looks at the pregnancy test and sighs.) Now I have to deal with not being pregnant AND having a stomach virus.
Ling-Ling: We doing something wrong?
Clara: I don't know, Ling-Ling. Maybe you have to have sex in a certain way in order for it to make you pregnant.
Ling-Ling: Could always ask chocolate animal woman. She probably know. And unlike land whale, she not lie about it just to have fun at princess expense!
Toot (in confessional): Oh, that's right, I forgot all about that episode! (She laughs.) Oh, I was such a bitch in those days. Well, anyway, back to the story.
Clara: I'll ask Foxxy. If anyone around here knows anything about getting pregnant, I'm sure she does!
At that moment, we hear the sound of someone's throat clearing. Clara and Ling-Ling turn toward the door to see Spanky in the doorway.
Spanky: You know, Clara... I happen to know a thing or two about how a girl can get pregnant. Mind if I make a suggestion?
Clara: Does this suggestion involve you either videotaping and/or sitting in the same room and watching me while I do whatever kinky-ass sexual thing you claim will be almost certain to get me pregnant, which may or may not be the case, although the whole question is irrelevant since the point of the whole exercise is a cheap way for you to get your rocks off?
Spanky: Clara, is there a light switch in your brain that flips the naivete on and off?
Clara: So you're saying I was right? (Spanky sighs in frustration.) Fine. Go ahead and tell me your suggestion, Spanky. But I'm warning you, the second I catch a whiff of any sleazy intentions, the story is over.
Spanky: Ernest Hemingway never had to work under these kind of restrictions.
Clara: Ernest Hemingway didn't have a history of trying to get inside my dress.
Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.
Clara: Just get on with the story, Spanky.
Spanky: Thank you. Now then, as we all know, a baby is formed when the man's sperm fertilizes the woman's egg. The problem with you and Ling-Ling is that his penis simply isn't long enough to get the sperm all the way there. What you need is to have the sperm inserted in you via a much longer object. Like, say- (Clara quickly gets up.)
Clara: (storming out) That's it. I'm out of here. See you at breakfast, Ling-Ling. Spanky, go take a cold shower. (She leaves. Spanky turns to Ling-Ling.)
Spanky: What? I was going to say like a turkey baster!
Ling-Ling: (scowling) No, you weren't.
Spanky: I know.
Cut to the hallway. Foxxy and Hero, now dressed, are making their way down the hallway. Clara runs into them coming out of her room.
Foxxy: Hey, Clara!
Clara: Hey, Foxxy. Where you guys off to?
Foxxy: We're going to see Dr. Wooldoor. We're going to have our sonogram today!
Clara: Oh, how wonderful! I'm very happy for you, Foxxy. Speaking of Dr. Wooldoor, I think I'll tag along. I need to see the doctor, too, about this virus I have. (The three start to walk down the hallway together. However, Foxxy suddenly stops them.)
Foxxy: Um, Clara?
Clara: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ain't you gonna get dressed before you go to see the doctor?
Clara: Why? Can I not go like this?
Hero: Sure you can! And I can go naked! (A look forms on Clara's face which is a combination of nervousness and being grossed out.)
Foxxy: It's a reference to something that happened earlier, Clara.
Clara: What? The invention of the penis?
Hero: If you'd like, I can wear the nightie and Clara can go naked.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, why don't you go on to the doctor's office? I want to have a word with Clara just a moment.
Hero: Okay, Foxxy.
Hero, whistling, begins walking down the hallway. Foxxy turns to Clara.
Foxxy: So, Clara-
Spanky: (offscreen) Wow, look at that penis! Hero, you are awesome! (Clara and Foxxy immediately turn in Hero's direction, surprised.)
Hero: Thanks!
Spanky: This video biography of Ron Jeremy you got me for my birthday makes very compelling entertainment!
Hero: It does, doesn't it?
Hero resumes whistling and continues down the hallway out of view. Foxxy turns back to Clara, both of them resuming their previous expression.
Foxxy: So, Clara, what I was going to ask you. Any luck on the baby front yet?
Clara: Not a bit. (Foxxy nods.) I don't know what the problem is, Foxxy. I honestly thought it would have happened by now.
Foxxy: Sometimes it takes a while.
Clara: It happened for you and Hero, and you guys weren't even trying!
Foxxy: It's all a matter of chance, Clara. You can't control it. You've just got to trust that when the time comes, God will bless you with child.
Clara: I know, Foxxy. I just wish there was something I could do to help it along.
Foxxy: Well, maybe there is. I'll tell you what. Let me do some thinking on this issue and I'll see if we can't come up with some ideas to help that baby get in there faster.
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Now let me think... they say that falling down the stairs is supposed to end a pregnancy. By that token... maybe falling UP the stairs would start one!
Clara: Ignoring the questionable logic of such a maneuver, is that even technically POSSIBLE?
Foxxy: In the M.C. Escher room, it might be.
Clara: Why don't you do some more thinking on it?
Foxxy: Maybe I will.
The scene changes to the waiting room of Wooldoor's doctor's office. Hero sits patiently in the waiting room gleefully reading Highlights while a very nervous-looking Xandir sits next to him. Wooldoor emerges from his office.
Wooldoor: Xandir? (Xandir jolts up.) I have your test results. (Xandir looks at Wooldoor attentively.) Xandir, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Xandir: (shocked) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! What is it?
Wooldoor: Xandir... I'm afraid that you have... cervical cancer.
Xandir: Cervical cancer! Oh no! Are you sure?
Wooldoor: I'm afraid so. Let me show you. (Xandir gets up and looks at a piece of paper Wooldoor holds out.) Xandir, this is a naked photo of yourself.
Xandir: Did you take that during a checkup for my medical records?
Wooldoor: No, I just downloaded it off your Facebook page. (Wooldoor points to a portion of the photograph.) Now if you'll look at your cervix area, there is a very large, pronounced growth here. It's much too large to be just a mole or a cyst, so I can only come to the conclusion that it's an extremely large tumor.
Xandir: Wooldoor, that's my penis.
Wooldoor: Oh? (He looks at the photo again. A moment of realization hits him.) Oh! Your penis! Of course! (Wooldoor laughs.) You don't have cervical cancer at all! You just have a penis!
Xandir: Wooldoor, I keep telling you, I'm not a girl, I'm a boy! Why do we have to keep going over this?
Spanky: (offscreen) It's an easy mistake to make. (Wooldoor and Xandir turn to Hero's left to see Spanky sitting right next to him reading Penthouse.) Hi.
Xandir: Spanky, why are you even here?
Spanky: I'm not involved in the plot this week, so I thought I'd just hang around and make snarky jokes from the sidelines.
Xandir: Fair enough.
Spanky: So getting back to Xandir's cervical cancer. That looks like a pretty big tumor there. You may have to cut it off.
Xandir: (blushing) Why, Spanky! Is that your way of saying I have a big penis?
Spanky: (putting the magazine down and getting up) Okay, we're done here. (Spanky walks out. Xandir calls after him angrily.)
Xandir: So it's okay when it's Ron Jeremy's penis, but not mine?
Wooldoor: I think Spanky likes Ron Jeremy's penis because it's usually attached to a naked woman.
Xandir: My penis is just as good as his.
Wooldoor: No, it isn't. Ron Jeremy's penis doesn't look like cervical cancer. (He looks at Xandir.) You're done, by the way. (He slaps a tube of ointment in Xandir's hand.) Here's some cream for your tumor.
Xandir: Wooldoor, I don't have a tumor! (Wooldoor gives Xandir the "talk to the hand gesture". Xandir sighs and walks out.)
Wooldoor: (looking up) Okay, who's next? (Hero looks up from his magazine and looks around the room. Nobody else is present.)
Hero: Oh. I guess I'm next.
Wooldoor: Well, Captain Hero, I do appreciate your willingness to help, but I think we're going to need Foxxy for the next part.
Hero: Oh, right. Well, while we're waiting on Foxxy, I wanted to ask you a medical question.
Wooldoor: What's that?
Hero: Wooldoor, if I got VD from a Taiwanese hooker ten years ago, is there a chance of that getting passed onto my kid?
Wooldoor: Ten years ago? No, Captain Hero, I would say you're clean. Why?
Hero: Cause she lives next door to my parents now, and if my kid is half the stud I was at his age, I'm kind of worried about what might happen when it's time to go visit Grandma and Grandpa. (Wooldoor looks at Hero strangely. At that moment, Foxxy walks in, followed by Clara.)
Wooldoor: Oh, good, you're here, Foxxy. Now we can start.
Foxxy: Wooldoor, is it okay with you if Clara goes first? I kind of think her situation is a little more precarious than ours.
Wooldoor: (very frustrated, throwing all his papers in the air) Does nobody care about schedules anymore? (Several of the papers fall down and hit him in the head, then fall to the floor.) Fine. Clara, come on back. (Wooldoor takes Clara by the hand and leads her back into his office.)
Clara: You're not going to try to feel my boob, are you?
Wooldoor: Not this time.
Wooldoor closes the door to his office. Foxxy sits down next to Hero.
Hero: (diverting his attention from the magazine to look at Foxxy) Foxxy, what do you think of the name Goofus for our kid? (Foxxy looks at Hero strangely.)
Foxxy: You're joking, right? That's a terrible name!
Hero: (holding the name out to Foxxy) Don't tell me, tell these idiot parents who named their kid that!
Foxxy: Although that does bring to mind a good question. Any idea what you want to name our child?
Hero: I honestly don't know, Foxxy. Samantha?
Foxxy: How about Jennifer?
Hero: That might work. Or what about Heather?
Foxxy: You mean Quametta?
Hero: What?
Foxxy: Never mind.
The scene changes to Wooldoor and Clara in the doctor's office. Clara is sitting on the padded chair. Wooldoor, with his back to Clara, is fiddling with some medical equipment.
Wooldoor: So what's the problem, Clara?
Clara: Well, Wooldoor, I have two problems. I'm sick to my stomach and I don't have a baby.
Wooldoor: You're sick to your stomach and you don't have a baby. (Wooldoor turns to Clara.) Hmm... you might be feeling sick because you're hungry. So maybe you should eat something. But you also want a baby inside your belly. So maybe you should eat a baby!
Clara: Wooldoor, do you ever realize what you say while you're saying it?
Wooldoor: Very seldom.
Clara: Well, Wooldoor, what I meant was, when I woke up this morning, I felt violently ill. I had to run to the bathroom and throw up practically right away. I think I have a stomach virus.
Wooldoor: So where does the baby come into it? You wish you had a baby so it could clean up your vomit? Usually it's the parents who have to clean up the baby's vomit. Although you ARE from one of those wacky royal families where everything works completely backwards from how normal people do it!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. I meant that when I had to vomit, the first thought that crossed my mind was that maybe I might be pregnant. I mean, you know that Ling-Ling and I have been trying to have one. But then when it turned out I wasn't... I guess I couldn't help but be disappointed.
Wooldoor: And since you've been trying for several months now, you're starting to wonder if something might be wrong.
Clara: Yes, exactly.
Wooldoor: Well, Clara, I can give you something for your stomach virus. As for your other problem, well... I can try, but unfortunately, I'm not a fertility expert.
Clara: I know. Whatever you can do to help.
Wooldoor: I wouldn't worry too much at this stage, Clara. For some couples, it just takes a while. A lot of it is just random chance.
Clara: I know. I just had this scary thought for a moment that I might be-
Wooldoor: I understand. I'll tell you what, Clara. I'll run some tests and make sure everything's okay down there.
Clara: Okay.
Wooldoor: But before I do anything... Clara, let me ask you something. Something really important.
Clara: What is it, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Now I'm not saying this because I have reason to believe it's the case. I just have to cover all the possibilities.
Clara: Right, I understand.
Wooldoor: Now if I give you a fertility test, and it turns out that there *is* a problem down there... will you be able to handle it?
Clara: I have to know. Maybe I'll be able to deal with it, maybe I won't. But one way or the other, I have to know.
Wooldoor: Okay, then. I'll get one ready. (As Wooldoor turns back around and begins working with his instruments again, Clara sits on the chair looking very somber, just staring into space.) While we're on the subject... do you want me to test Ling-Ling too? If you want, I can give him a test when he comes in later for his rabies shot.
Clara: I don't know, Wooldoor. (She pauses. Wooldoor turns back to face Clara.) You know what? No. I don't want Ling-Ling to worry. I'm sure if there's a problem, it's on my end.
Wooldoor: Okay, Clara. If you say so. (Wooldoor turns back around. Clara continues to look somber. Wooldoor turns to face Clara once more.) Oh, by the way, Clara. This stomach thing you have. Can you vomit on command? Cause I thought it would be really funny to show you naked pictures of various people I know and have you immediately upchuck at the sight. You know, like you were so disgusted at their ugly naked bodies that you just had to vomit? (Clara immediately clutches her stomach and begins to heave.) Wait, Clara! Not yet! Let me get that naked picture of Spanky first!
Toot (in confessional): I'm glad they didn't write this episode three years ago, or I probably would have been the punch line to that joke. But I digress. We cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office some time later.
Cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office. Foxxy is now sitting in the doctor's chair in a hospital gown while Hero stands beside her. Wooldoor is preparing an apparatus.
Wooldoor: All right, Foxxy. Time to get into the stirrups. While you're doing that, I'll go get the sonogram thingie.
From a side view, we see Foxxy lift her legs way up into the air and put her feet in the stirrups. While Wooldoor walks across the room to get another piece of equipment, Hero grins and walks in the direction of Foxxy's private area.
Wooldoor: And Hero, don't have sex with Foxxy while I'm getting the sonogram ready.
Hero: Awwww!
While Wooldoor continues to get his equipment set up, Hero walks back up to Foxxy's shoulders.
Hero: You nervous?
Foxxy: Not really? This is a pretty simple procedure.
Hero: No, I mean about having your naked snatch out there in front of everybody.
Foxxy: It's just Wooldoor. And he IS a doctor.
Wooldoor: And besides, I'm really more of a breast guy. (Wooldoor begins administering the sonogram.) All right, guys. In a few moments, an image of your baby should appear on that screen right there. (Foxxy and Hero nod to each other. Foxxy looks at Hero.)
Foxxy: I had a thought. What about calling it Timmy?
Hero: I don't think so, Foxxy. I kind of wanted this one to make it past its third birthday.
Foxxy: Ray-Ray 2?
Hero: Foxxy, why are you thinking up boys' names? Remember? We agreed we'd have a girl!
Foxxy: I know, Hero. I just don't want to spend a lot of time thinking up the perfect girl's name and then have the baby turn out to be a boy.
Hero: Well, we're just tossing out possibilities. I mean, it's not like the perfect name is going to come out of one of our mouths in the next few seconds!
Foxxy: Emily.
Hero: (his face lighting up) Oh, that's perfect! Oh, that's a beautiful name, Foxxy!
Foxxy: You're right, Hero! That would be the perfect name for our daughter! (Suddenly, a realization hits her.) Goddammit! Now just watch. I bet you anything that now that we have the perfect girl's name, that baby is going to be a boy!
Hero: It could always be our son's name.
Foxxy: Call our SON Emily? Do you want him to grow up to be gay and/or French?
Toot (in confessional): We interrupt this scene to offer our most sincere apologies to all French viewers everywhere. Our playful jabs at French people are not meant to offend, but offer a satirical view on contemporary stereotypes in contemporary society.
Marty: (offscreen) Hey, Toot, I don't think Drawn Together even airs in France.
Toot (in confessional): Then in that case, screw you, you smelly baguette-loving bastards! Viva America!
Cut back to the doctor's office.
Foxxy: Sorry, Hero, but I am not naming my son Emily.
Hero: Well, you might as well! Cause we're already going to whack away part of his manhood, we might as well castrate him on the name front too, while we're at it!
Foxxy: Whack away part of his manhood? I thought we decided we wasn't going to do that!
Hero: I thought we decided- wait. What DID we decide?
Foxxy: I think we decided to avoid the subject just in case the kid turned out to be a girl.
Hero: Right. (Hero takes Foxxy's hand. The two of them pause silently for a moment, then sigh. Hero looks at Foxxy, but says nothing. Foxxy looks straight ahead.)
Foxxy: You know, maybe it'll be okay.
Hero: You think?
Foxxy: It doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl, or what its name is, or whatever we decide to do with its junk. The important thing is that our baby grows up healthy and happy. And with you and me looking after it... (She looks at Hero.) I think the odds of that happening are pretty good. (Hero smiles.)
Hero: Me too, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (holding Hero's hand and looking directly into his eyes) I don't care if our baby is a boy or a girl.
Hero: (smiling) Me either, Foxxy.
Wooldoor: Well, guys. (Hero and Foxxy, still holding hands, turn to look at Wooldoor.) Looks like you're going to have a girl. (Foxxy's expression is somewhat muted, but Hero immediately throws his arms in the air in triumph.)
Hero: Woohoo! Oh, yeah! Booyah! (He turns to Foxxy and points at her.) You see, Foxxy? You see? I told you we'd have a girl! (Foxxy smiles.) Oh, this is perfect. We're going to call her Emily and we don't have to worry about whether or not to circumcise her! (His brow suddenly wrinkles.) Do we? I don't think Jews practice that ritual on girls, do they?
Foxxy: No, Hero. (Hero breathes a sigh of relief.)
Wooldoor: And it looks like she's going to take after her mother, too! (Hero and Foxxy look at Wooldoor with curiosity.)
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Wooldoor: Well, it's not very big just yet, but judging by the size of this bump in the chest area, it looks like your daughter is going to sport quite a nice rack!
Hero: Awesome! Wait. Should I be proud of that?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, is you serious? You can see boobs in the sonogram?
Wooldoor: Sure, Foxxy! (He points to the image on the screen.) Now if you'll see here, right below the head, there is a small bump just starting to form. Now if you look down a little bit at the- (He becomes alarmed) Wait a minute. (Wooldoor's eyes bug out. He turns to Hero and Foxxy.) Hero? Foxxy? Why does your baby have two heads?
Foxxy: Two heads? Whatchoo talkin' about, Wooldoor?
Hero: Oh, goddammit, Foxxy! Are you my sister or something? I thought I told you before we got engaged to tell me if we were related somehow! (Foxxy looks confused and weirded out. She turns back to Wooldoor.)
Foxxy: Wooldoor, there has to be a mistake of some sort.
Wooldoor: There's no mistake, Foxxy! (He turns to look at the sonogram image.) I see two very distinct appendages where the head- oh, wait, that's not the head. That's its legs. The baby is upside down. (He turns back to Hero and Foxxy.) Yeah, that's not a breast, that's a penis. Your baby is a boy. (Hero sighs in exasperation.)
Hero: Oh, dammit!
Foxxy: I still ain't calling it Emily. (Hero sighs again. The scene fades.)
Toot (in confessional): So sometime later, Hero and Foxxy gathered the others into the living room to watch the tape of the sonogram. Hilarity may or may not have ensued. I didn't really pay attention to that part.
Cut to the living room. Everyone is gathered around the TV. Hero holds a DVD in his hand.
Clara: So what is this and why are we watching it?
Foxxy: This is our sonogram, Clara. We's gonna show you all a picture of Hero and mine's baby in my womb.
Clara: Oh, God, this is how ill I am. I don't even feel up to correcting any of the 17 grammatical errors Foxxy made in that sentence.
Foxxy: But you was well enough to count them, I see.
Clara: Yeah, well, that part's just instinct.
Spanky: Why don't you go ahead and show us the sonogram, Captain Hero?
Hero: Sure, Spanky! (Hero pops the DVD into the player. He turns to the others.) Now some of you have probably never seen a sonogram before, so don't worry if you don't understand what you're looking at. I'll be right here to explain it to you.
Spanky grins. Everyone turns their attention to the TV screen. Immediately, everybody reacts. Foxxy and Wooldoor are shocked. Clara is disgusted. Spanky laughs. Hero is confused, but mildly intrigued.
Hero: Okay... this wasn't how it looked in the doctor's office, but I think I can figure it out. (He points to a part of the screen.) Now somewhere deep in this tunnel here is where the baby dwells.
Clara: Hero, I know what THAT is! (She points at the screen.) But God, you people! I didn't know you were going to take pictures of THAT end of things! Is this what a sonogram is? Seriously?
Wooldoor: Maybe it's a before and after shot. This is the before.
Clara: (covering her eyes) Oh God, now I feel like I know Foxxy in a special way!
Foxxy: Clara, that ain't MY coochie y'all's looking at. Somebody obviously switched the disc with something else.
Clara: But who would- (She immediately turns to Spanky, who is snickering.) Goddammit, Spanky. That's not funny.
Spanky: Oh, yes it is, Clara! That's hilarious!
Clara: What is that? Is that a childbirth video?
Spanky: No, it's one of my pornos.
Foxxy: Well, take it back and give Hero the DVD of our sonogram.
Spanky: Fine. (Spanky gets up and hands Hero the correct DVD. Hero ejects the porno disc from the player and hands it back to Spanky.)
Wooldoor: Hey, Clara! (Clara turns to Wooldoor.) When we saw that thing on TV, it would have been hilarious if you'd chosen that exact moment to throw up again!
Clara: Thank you for your desire to use my illness for comedy, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You could throw up when the actual sonogram comes on. It wouldn't be quite as funny as it would have been earlier, but it would still be pretty funny.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor. I'll be fine.
Spanky: Clara, if I paid you fifty bucks, would you vomit on a hooker and let me film it?
Clara: Dear God. Don't tell me you have a vomit fetish.
Spanky: Me? No way! I totally think that's disgusting. But I do think I could put some clips on the internet and make some money off of it.
Hero inserts the correct disc into the player and turns to the others.
Hero: Okay, then. Now for our actual sonogram. Is everyone ready?
Foxxy: I think so. Spanky? Clara? Ling-Ling? Wooldoor? (Everyone nods.) Xandir? (There is no response.) Xandir? (Everyone looks around. Xandir is not present.) Well, where did Xandir go?
Wooldoor: I think he's over here, Foxxy.
The group looks in Wooldoor's direction. Wooldoor steps aside to reveal Xandir sitting on the floor with his arms around his legs. His eyes are completely glazed over. He rocks back and forth in a sort of trance.
Xandir: Can't sleep, box will eat me! Can't sleep, box will eat me! Can't sleep, box will eat me! (Foxxy gets up and walks over to Xandir. The others get up and follow her.)
Foxxy: Xandir, is you all traumatized from having to look at that girl's sink?
Xandir: Make it go away, Mommy! Make it go away!
Spanky: Okay, Xandir. You don't like box. We get it.
Xandir: (singing quietly to himself) Hush, little Xandir, don't you cry... Mommy's going to buy you a... something that rhymes with cry...
Foxxy: Xandir, I thought you was supposed to be a brave warrior! This sure as hell ain't brave! (Xandir stops whimpering and turns to Foxxy.) Now quit your crying and watch the sonogram with us before I have to kick all y'all's asses!
Xandir: (submissively) Yes, ma'am. (Xandir straightens himself up and sits back down on the couch. The others do likewise.)
Foxxy: Now then, Hero. You may begin.
Hero pushes play on the DVD remote. The sonogram begins. We hear the sound of the heartbeat.
Everyone's faces light up with curiosity.
Spanky, Hero, and Ling-Ling: Oooh!
Xandir: Oh, wow!
Foxxy: That IS beautiful!
Spanky: It's just like watching scrambled porn!
Suddenly, we hear a violent retching sound. Foxxy motions to Hero to stop the DVD. She turns to Clara.
Foxxy: Goddammit, Clara!
Clara: It wasn't me! I promise!
Foxxy: Yeah, right. Who else would-
The retching continues. Both women turn around to see a huge puddle of vomit around Wooldoor's feet. He is extremely woozy.
Foxxy: What the hell? Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I guess that's irony, huh? (He turns to Foxxy.) I couldn't help it, Foxxy! That sonogram is just so disgusting and creepy! And scary! It frightened me so much, I just had to vomit out of fear!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, you was the one who took the sonogram in the first place!
Wooldoor: I know. (Foxxy and Clara both roll their eyes and turn back around to resume watching the sonogram. A look of curiosity starts to form on Clara's face.)
Clara: So, guys. What exactly are we looking at, here?
Foxxy: Well, Clara, that is an image of the baby that is growing in my womb!
Clara: Yes, I know that, Foxxy. But what I mean is... what exactly are we supposed to be learning from this?
Foxxy: Well, we ain't gonna be getting any insight into what the baby's gonna look like when he's older or anything, but it's just kind of cool to see. At least this way, we know he's healthy.
Clara: You say he. You're sure this is a boy?
Foxxy: That's what Wooldoor says!
Clara: How do you know?
Hero: Now that's a silly question, Clara! Just look at it! (Hero points to the sonogram image.) You see there?
Clara: See what?
Hero: (still pointing) That right there! The baby's penis!
Clara: Hero, I'm pretty sure that's its foot.
Hero: No, Clara, that's definitely the baby's penis. (looking at the sonogram, now becoming very impressed) Wow! My kid is going to be hung like a horse!
Clara: Um, Hero? (Hero turns to Clara.) You realize that your baby's penis has toes on it?
Hero: Don't be silly, Clara! Those are its balls!
Clara: It has five of them!
Hero: Well, my kid is really manly! (He looks at the sonogram again.) Damn! You know, I was actually upset about having a boy at first. But looking at this huge schlong on him... just... damn!
Spanky: Hey, Clara, if you want to get pregnant, you should have sex with one of those things! (He points to the sonogram. Clara wrinkles her brow.)
Foxxy: Hero, I think Clara's right. That's his foot, not his penis. (Wooldoor gets up and goes to look at the sonogram up close.)
Hero: (pointing to the penis/foot) That thing right there makes me the happiest, proudest dad in the world!
Wooldoor: Hero, the girls are right. That's the baby's foot.
Hero: Oh. Really? (Wooldoor nods.) Well, I'm still proud. At least now I know that our baby won't be a deformed footless freak!
Xandir: Wait. So if that huge thing right there isn't the baby's penis... then where IS the baby's penis?
Hero: Don't be silly, Xandir. If that's not the baby's penis, then obviously, it doesn't have one! Our baby must be a girl after all!
Wooldoor: (still looking at the sonogram) Nope. (He turns to face the others.) Nope, that's definitely a boy. (The others look at Wooldoor curiously.) Yeah, I got over my fear of this thing.
Hero: (pointing at the foot) So if that isn't the penis, then where IS the penis?
Wooldoor: (pointing at another part of the sonogram) Right there!
Hero: (looking at the sonogram) I don't see anything!
Wooldoor: You see that tiny little bump right there? THAT'S the baby's penis! (Hero recoils in shock.)
Hero: No! No, it can't be!
Foxxy: What?
Hero: That's our baby's penis? That miserable tiny thing? (Wooldoor nods.) It can't be! Unless our baby's Asian! (Ling-Ling glares at Hero.)
Wooldoor: Hero, you've got to cut it some slack! It's just a fetus! It's going to get bigger!
Clara: That baby looks awfully flexible. It can't orally pleasure itself in the womb, can it?
Spanky: If it's Foxxy's kid, it might!
Xandir: If it upsets you, Hero, you could always just cut the penis off and raise the child as a girl! (mimicking Spanky's voice) You mean like your parents did with you, Xandir? (resuming his normal voice) No, Spanky, I don't mean that at all! (Xandir sees that the others are now staring at him.) Well, I know it's what you were all thinking! (Foxxy gets up and walks over to Hero.)
Foxxy: Look, Hero. The important thing is that our baby is healthy. Beyond that, I don't care whether it has a big penis or a small one, just as long as it's happy!
Hero: But... if our baby has a small penis, then... how will it ever get laid?
Clara: (imitating Spanky) Well, it could always hook up with Clara! She likes the small ones! (Spanky turns to Clara angrily.)
Spanky: Dude... what the hell? You taking all my jokes away from me now?
Foxxy: Hero, our son will be fine. Big penis or small, he'll find somebody really special who makes him happy. And you know why? Cause we're going to raise him to be the best little man in the world.
Hero: I guess you're right, Foxxy. I guess it doesn't matter what our son looks like. Short, tall, thin, fat, big penis, small one... the important thing is that we'll give him so much love, he can't help but turn out to be a great person.
Foxxy: That's right.
Hero: And besides, even if he DOES turn out to be ugly as sin, well... Spanky still found a wife!
Spanky: Oh, come ON! What did I ever do to you people? (They all look at him flatly.) Besides all the stuff I did.
The group collectively rolls their eyes. Spanky waves his hand dismissively at the group. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on the confessional. We see the mime sitting in the confessional chair with a dog collar around his neck and his hair completely mussed. He has a frightened look on his face. He looks from side to side nervously, then turns and faces the camera. He then puts his hands in front of himself and starts doing the "trapped in a box" routine". A shrill voice from the side cuts him off.
Toot: (offscreen) Shut the hell up, mime!
The mime hangs his head in shame and mimes fake tears. The scene changes back to Wooldoor's waiting room where we see Clara sitting alone. Though she is clearly apprehensive, she sits trying to distract herself by flipping through a magazine.
Clara: (looking at magazine) Goofus? What is that, a Jewish name or something? (At that moment, Clara hears a sound off to the side. She turns her head in the direction of the door to the hallway outside. Ling-Ling enters. He sees Clara and becomes shocked.)
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: What Carla doing here?
Clara: Um... (She thinks to herself.) Okay, come on, Clara. Just make up some excuse. Just anything that will convince him you're not getting a fertility test. (She resumes speaking again.) Um... not getting a fertility test! How about you?
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. Ling-Ling here to not get fertility test either! (They smile at each other. Wooldoor emerges from his doctor's office.)
Wooldoor: Clara? Ling-Ling? I've got the results of your fertility tests. (Clara and Ling-Ling turn to each other in shock.)
Clara and Ling-Ling: (in unison) You lied to me! (They both draw back in surprise.) Me? What did I do? (They point to each other.) You're the one who said- (Wooldoor steps in.)
Wooldoor: Yeah, very cute, you two. So do you want to hear your test results or not?
Ling-Ling: (nodding) Sure. Sockbat go ahead.
Wooldoor: All right. Ling-Ling, your test came back fine. Your sperm count is good... you should be more than capable of fathering a child.
Ling-Ling: (relaxing somewhat) Whew. Ling-Ling feel better now.
Wooldoor: Good, good. You know, for a tiny little man, you sure produce an awful lot of sperm! If you wore underwear, I bet they'd be dirtier than Spanky's!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not sure what that supposed to mean, but okay. (Wooldoor turns to Clara.)
Wooldoor: Clara? You ready? (Clara, however, is looking down silently. She does not respond to Wooldoor's questions.) Clara?
Clara: I... I don't know.
Wooldoor: Clara, what's wrong?
Clara: Wooldoor, I... I know I told you before that I could handle the truth, but now I don't know. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it after all.
Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara turns to look at Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling motions to Clara to pick him up. She does so.) Carla, it be okay. Ling-Ling promise.
Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling promise Carla that no matter what Sockbat say... he be there for her. No matter what happen, he and Carla go through it together.
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. And thank you. (Clara turns to Wooldoor.) I still don't think I'm ready for this, Wooldoor. I'm sorry.
Wooldoor: So... you don't want to hear the results?
Clara: Maybe another day, Wooldoor. When I'm stronger.
Wooldoor: Great. So I took a sample of your girly juice for nothing. You made me mess around in that icky, icky vagina of yours- (Clara is mildly shocked.) Nothing personal, Clara. They're pretty much all like that. (Clara nods.) I worked through my entire lunch hour because I thought you were super anxious to get these results, and now I find out you don't even want to hear them? That is... such bulltoot!
Clara: What?
Cut to Toot and Marty in their hotel room. Toot is standing at the minibar.
Toot: Hey, what do you say we get some peanuts?
Marty: Toot, are you crazy? Do you know how expensive that stuff is?
Toot: That's okay. I just made twenty bucks cause Wooldoor said my catchphrase on TV!
Marty nods. The scene changes back to Wooldoor's office.
Wooldoor: You suck, Clara! You and your stinky vagina both suck major donkey balls! (Clara is shocked once again.)
Clara: Wooldoor Sockbat, how dare you speak to me that way! If it wasn't for the fact that a good gynecologist is so hard to find, I would so complain to the AMA and have your license revoked!
Wooldoor: Shows how much you know! I'm not even certified by the AMA! (At this moment, Ling-Ling begins to smirk.) What? What's so funny, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara looks at Ling-Ling.) If Carla want to get back at Sockbat, Ling-Ling know how she can do it.
Clara: (excited) Ooh! How's that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Well... the two of us go upstairs and have sex.
Clara: Right, and?
Ling-Ling: And the two of us just keep having sex and having sex until Carla finally get pregnant! And once Carla do get pregnant, we come downstairs and steal results of Carla fertility tests and show entire world how Sockbat totally wrong about Carla not being able to get pregnant!
Wooldoor: Ha! In that case, Ling-Ling, your plan is going to backfire BIG TIME, because those test results show that Clara CAN get pregnant! (Clara looks up, stunned.) Who'll be laughing then, little man?
Ling-Ling: Still us.
Wooldoor: (somberly) I know. (Clara cautiously walks over to Wooldoor.)
Clara: Wooldoor? Is this true?
Wooldoor: Huh? (He turns to Clara.) Oh, right. Yeah, Clara, turns out you're fine. You should be more than capable of conceiving a child. (Tears of joy begin to well up in Clara's eyes. She takes Ling-Ling by the hand.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling! This really is going to happen for us! Oh, I feel so much better now!
Ling-Ling: Me too, Carla!
Wooldoor: (snidely) Oh, so you're okay with knowing now that you know the news is GOOD! (He begins imitating Clara.) No, Wooldoor! Don't tell me! I don't think I can take it! What? The news is good? Oh, yay, I guess I can take it after all! (By this point, Clara and Ling-Ling are gazing longingly into each other's eyes. Wooldoor turns away in disgust and begins walking away.) You guys make me sick. I'm going to go get drunk and play golf or something. Xandir can do his own damn pap smear.
While Clara and Ling-Ling begin to kiss, Wooldoor storms out angrily. The scene fades. The camera fades back up on Foxxy and Hero in bed together. Hero has his arm around Foxxy.
Hero: So.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: I guess we're going to have us a little boy.
Foxxy: Looks like we are.
Hero: You know, Foxxy, I said I wanted a girl, but... I honestly don't think I care either way.
Foxxy: Me too. Boy or girl, the important thing is, it'll be our child. And it'll be wonderful.
Hero: Yeah. It will.
Foxxy: And look at it this way. You'll have somebody to do father-son stuff with. Like play baseball, work on cars... look at porn together.
Hero: Is that really a father-son thing?
Foxxy: Just ask Spanky. I'm sure he knows.
Spanky: (on the other side of the wall) Oh, for Christ's sake, people! Get off my ass already!
Hero: Just think of all the things I'll be able to teach him.
Foxxy: Like the birds and the bees?
Hero: Maybe. (He looks at Foxxy.) Or maybe you should handle that one. (She looks at him questioningly.) Your approach to that kind of thing is a lot more... mature... than mine.
Foxxy: Yeah, I don't think little boys want to hear about sex from their mommas.
Hero: Good point. (Foxxy smiles. Hero looks at her.) So what about you? You like this development?
Foxxy: (thinks for a moment) Yes, Hero. Yes, I do. I mean, I was like you. I know we talked about wanting a girl, but now that we've come to find out it'll be a boy... well, there's a lot of things that make me feel excited about that also. (Hero nods.) They say a boy's biggest love is his mother. Well, I sure know that'll be true of my boy.
Hero: Foxxy, that's messed up.
Foxxy: I didn't mean that in an incestuous way, Hero.
Hero: Oh, right. (Foxxy and Hero hug for a moment before Hero speaks again.) So what about the next one?
Foxxy: Next one?
Hero: Our next kid. What if it ends up being a girl instead of a boy? We'll have to start all over learning to love a whole new gender!
Foxxy: Somehow I think we'll be able to manage that.
Hero: You're right. (Foxxy nods.) So.
Foxxy: Yes?
Hero: Should we come back to the question?
Foxxy: Oh, right.
Hero: Now that we know it'll be a boy, we'll have to actually make a decision about the bris thing.
Foxxy: That's true.
Hero: So do you know what you want to do?
Foxxy: Really, Hero... I could go either way. (She looks at Hero.) Hero, you're the father. I trust your judgment. Whatever you want to do will be fine with me. (Hero nods, then winces.) What?
Hero: Dammit, Foxxy!
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I was going to tell YOU to decide! (Hero sighs. Foxxy nods.)
Foxxy: Maybe we need to think on this some more.
Hero: Maybe you're right.
Foxxy nods. The two sit silently for a moment, Foxxy still cuddling in Hero's arms. After a moment, Foxxy speaks.
Foxxy: There is still one other issue on the table that we could discuss. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly.) Since we know it's going to be a boy after all, we need a new name for him.
Hero: Not Emily?
Foxxy: Hero, do you WANT our kid to be beaten?
Hero: Point taken.
Foxxy: Well, it's okay. We don't have to decide on that tonight, either.
Hero: Yeah, that's true. I mean, we should take some time to think about it.
Foxxy: Exactly.
Hero: We can each come up with some names we like and then sit down and discuss them with each other and make an informed decision.
Foxxy: Exactly!
Hero: I mean, it's not like the perfect name is going to come out of one of our mouths in the next few seconds!
Foxxy: Richard.
Hero: Son of a bitch, Foxxy, how do you keep doing that?
Foxxy: I don't know. I guess it's a gift I have!
Hero: So what made you think of Richard all of a sudden?
Foxxy: Well, the two of us was talking about kids and being parents, and that got me to thinking about how lucky I was when I finally found MY real father after all these years. And it just occurred to me that naming our first child after him would be a great way to honor him.
Hero: Wait. I thought your father's name was Ricky.
Foxxy: Hero... seriously? We're going to do this again?
Hero: Wait. You mean... Ricky is short for Richard? (The realization suddenly hits him.) Wow, that is so cool! I never realized that!
Foxxy: You don't say.
The two pause for a moment. Foxxy sighs. Hero begins cuddling Foxxy again.
Hero: You want to know what else I'm really happy about? The fact that we decided to move up our wedding. (Foxxy nods.) Seriously, Foxxy... with all that's been going on, I'm more excited about marrying you than ever.
Foxxy: Me too.
Hero: I guess it's time to get cracking on planning that thing. Especially if we're going to do it in what, two, three months?
Foxxy: Around then. (They pause.) I definitely want to be husband and wife by the time the baby comes out.
Hero: Yeah. That way, nobody will be able to go around calling OUR kid a little bastard!
Spanky: (on the other side of the wall) Oh, goddammit, you two!
The scene fades. The scene fades back up on Toot in the confessional wearing only a very thin negligee. She is leaning backward in the chair with a huge look of satisfaction on her face. In her left hand is a lit cigarette from which smoke is trailing.
Toot (in confessional): Oh, I don't actually smoke anymore. I'm just holding this thing to signify the incredibly hot sex I just got finished having. (She yawns and stretches.) That's right. Marty and I did lots of fun stuff around Paris and had lots of hot, hot sex. And it was goooooooood. (She straightens up in the chair.) I think I'm satisfied for the moment. Marty and I have had enough sex for the night, I think. I think Marty's going to try to get some sleep now. In the meantime, I'll just sit in here and chat with you guys! How's that sound?
Marty: (offscreen) Toot... you'd better get in here. The mime is miming buttraping me! (Toot sighs in frustration.)
Toot (in confessional): Wait here. I'll be back. (She gets up, and then pauses.) Or maybe I won't. I don't know. I'll tell you what. I'll go take care of Marty for a while. If you guys are still around when I get finished, I'll talk to you then. Okay? Toodles!
Toot quickly hurries out of the confessional back into the hotel room. While the camera lingers on the confessional chair, we hear Toot's voice in the next room.
Toot: (offscreen) Hey, you! Get off that fake invisible Marty!
The scene fades.
THE END
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Dawn is breaking. We see the familiar shot of the rooster crowing. The scene cuts to inside the house. The camera is about to go inside Foxxy and Hero's bedroom when a shrill, familiar voice interrupts.
Toot: (offscreen) Hey! What are you assholes showing the house for? I'm not even there right now! (The camera lingers on a shot of Foxxy's door for a moment, seemingly unaware of what to do.) You can get back to the house in a minute. MY bit comes first in this episode.
The camera tilts up and down a couple of times as if to nod in acknowledgement. The scene changes to Toot in the confessional. The confessional is French-themed, with wine and cheese all around and a giant flag of France as the backdrop. Toot's outfit is hastily thrown on, and she is not wearing shoes or stockings. She is, however, wearing a beret.
Toot (in confessional): Thank you. Anyway, I'm not going to be in the main part of the episode this week, but I thought you guys might like to know what happened with me and Marty on our honeymoon. I got three words. Hot... sex. Wait, that's just two words. LOTS... of hot sex. Okay, now that's four words. Let me try again. MUCHO hot sex. Okay, now that just sounds awkward. Anyway, there was much sex being had and we were the ones having it. But don't worry, that wasn't ALL we did on our honeymoon.
Clara: (offscreen) Oh, thank God! I was actually worried about that. (Toot looks offscreen to her left, extremely confused.)
Toot (in confessional): Clara? What the F? How are you interrupting my confessional? I'm in France right now!
Clara: (offscreen) I know. And I'm on the telephone. You called me in the middle of your hot sex with Marty to tell me about the hot sex you were having with Marty.
Toot (in confessional): And you're still on the line?
Clara: (offscreen) It wasn't that long ago.
Toot (in confessional): Not that long ago? But- (At that moment, another voice rings out.)
Marty: (offscreen) Toot, can you get back in here so we can finish the hot sex? The mime is starting to look at me funny.
Toot (in confessional): I'll be there in just a moment, Marty! (She turns back to the camera.) I guess I'd better make this quick. I'll tell you what, I'll just play a montage. Here, enjoy.
Clara: (offscreen) Can I hang up now?
Toot (in confessional): Sure, Clara.
The montage begins. As French music begins to play, the first shot we see is of a sprawling French countryside. High on the hill is a dirt path. Toot and Marty, both riding bicycles, come into view. Each is carrying a baguette. Both are laughing. A stereotypical Frenchman with a pencil mustache and a striped shirt comes into view. Toot and Marty, both still laughing, bump into him with their bikes and continue on their way as the Frenchman goes rolling down the hill. Next, the scene changes to the Eiffel Tower. Toot and Marty are high up in the tower, looking out and enjoying the view. Marty is taking pictures. A grin forms on Toot's face. She runs to the railing, climbs over it, and dangles over the edge by her legs. Marty rushes over to her and grabs her, pulling her away from the railing. However, in the process, he loses his camera over the edge. We see the same Frenchman walking on the ground below. The camera hits him square in the head. He rubs his head in pain and looks confused. Next, we see Toot and Marty, both in bare feet, standing in a vat crushing grapes. In the middle of stomping, they stop and look at each other. Realizing they are alone, they grab onto each other and tumble into the mass of crushed grapes. The foreman, however, sees them. He sighs and turns to his assistant, speaking in French. His subtitles read, "That's okay, we'll just sell this batch in the French K-Mart". The assistant nods. Finally, the scene changes to an exterior shot of a small French cafe. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see all manner of French stereotypes in attendance. At one table, we see Hercule Poirot, who looks at the camera with annoyance. He speaks an angry statement in French while his subtitles read. "I am not French, damn you, I am Belgian! Although I do like to visit the French countryside sometimes." Toot and Marty enter the scene.
Toot: War just broke out! (Immediately, every French person in the cafe dives under the table in terror.) I mean, my cousin, Bob War. He fell in poison ivy and broke out in a huge rash! Guys? (Nobody moves. Toot and Marty walk over the bar.) Hey, barkeep, can I have a bottle of wine and not pay for it?
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't really do that here.
Toot: German army.
Bartender: (fearfully throwing his hands up) I surrender!
He dives under the bar. Toot looks at him with curiosity. She shrugs and grabs a bottle of wine off the counter and walks away from the counter. Walking back to the main seating area, she notices that all of the patrons are still under the table except for Hercule Poirot.
Toot: Hey! How come you're not under the table with the rest of those French bastards?
Hercule Poirot: Because as I said previously, madame, I am not French, I am Belgian. Although I do like to visit the French countryside sometimes.
Marty: I see. (At that moment, a voice rings out from the back of the cafe.)
Woman: Help! My husband has been murdered! Can somebody help solve the crime? (Poirot reacts with annoyance.)
Poirot: (sighing) Bon dieu! Even here. (At that moment, an elderly woman looking very much like Angela Lansbury walks up behind Poirot.)
Jessica Fletcher: Actually, I think this one might have been my fault.
Toot and Marty shrug and walk out of the cafe. On the sidewalk outside the cafe, we see a French mime doing shtick. Toot and Marty look at each other, then look back at the mime. He is doing the standard "trapped in a box" routine. Toot leans over and whispers in Marty's ear. Marty nods. They proceed to grab the mime by the arm and run off with him.
Mime: Help! Help! (Immediately realizing his faux pas, the mime covers his mouth in shame.)
The scene changes back to Toot in the confessional. She swings one leg over the other and begins dangling her foot.
Toot (in confessional): Ah, stereotypes. Aren't they great? Well, anyway, that's what's happening with Marty and me at the moment. I guess I'll turn the show over to those other assholes now. (She sighs.)
Marty: (offscreen) No, you stupid mime, I don't want a pretend apple!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the hallway upstairs. The camera once again makes its way toward Foxxy and Hero's bedroom. It stops, seemingly hesitating over whether or not it will be okay to go forward this time. Nothing happens. The camera finally goes inside the bedroom. We see Foxxy and Hero cuddling in bed together.
Hero: That was great.
Foxxy: Isn't it always?
Hero: There was that one time it wasn't. That time Wooldoor interrupted us. The actual sex itself was pretty good. The interrupting I didn't really care for. (He turns to her.) Although I did appreciate your attempt to incorporate his interjection into our sex play!
Foxxy: What makes me laugh is that Wooldoor actual put on the vicar costume for it!
Hero: He likes to play dress-up.
Foxxy: Yes, he does.
Hero: (looking at the clock on the nightstand) Well... it looks like we still have half an hour before I have to go to work. Wanna go again?
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Captain Hero? You don't have a job!
Hero: You're right. (He looks disappointed.) I guess the sex is out, then.
Foxxy: Or... we could have sex and you just be late. (Hero perks up.) Late to the job you don't have.
Hero: You're right, Foxxy! That's a brilliant idea! Do you think we can make it work?
Foxxy: That depends, Captain Hero. How fast can you get an erec- (She looks down at his crotch area)- okay, you're way ahead of me on that one.
Hero: (looking at Foxxy seductively) I figured this time you could be a captured Soviet spy during the Cold War and I'm shaking you down for information!
Foxxy: Let's do it!
Hero moves over on top of Foxxy and begins having sex with her.
Hero: I got you now, you dirty Russian whore!
Foxxy: (in a Russian accent) You never get superspy Nicolai St. Foxxyovich to talk!
Hero: (momentarily stopping) I like the accent. Nice!
Foxxy: Thanks!
Hero: (resuming the sex) So tell you where you hid the secret microfilm!
Foxxy: (resuming her accent) Oh, Captain Hero, I see I will not be able to resist your sexy American interrogation technique! All right, I tell you then. I hide microfilm up snatch.
Hero: Your snatch, eh?
Foxxy: You'll have to fish it out with your big American penis.
Hero: Oh, I will, Foxxy! I will!
As Hero continues thrusting, the door suddenly opens. Wooldoor bursts in.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero! Captain Hero!
Hero: Dammit, Wooldoor!
Foxxy: (dropping the accent) It's okay, I've got this one. (Foxxy bolts out of bed. Quickly grabbing a tiny suit out from under the nightstand, she hurries over to Wooldoor and puts the suit on him. We see that the suit contains a button that says "CIA director".)
Wooldoor: Um, what?
Foxxy: (resuming her accent) Oh, please, American CIA director! Do not execute the Foxxyovich! She in process of defecting to your American side!
Hero: (to Wooldoor) I was about to stamp her passport!
Wooldoor: Passport? That's stupid! I'm not playing along with this. (Hero and Foxxy look worried.) She doesn't need a passport if she's going to defect! I'll just use my CIA position to secure her diplomatic immunity! (A thoughtful look forms on his face.) That is... if we're sure we can trust her!
Foxxy: You can trust the Foxxyovich implicitly! She give you list of secret Soviet contacts to prove her loyalty! And expensive Belgian chocolates! (She looks at Wooldoor.) Belgians give Soviets anything we want. They totally our bitches.
Wooldoor: (to Hero) Did you find the secret microfilm?
Hero: Not yet. It's hidden in there pretty deep. I guess I'll just have to start probing her harder.
Foxxy: Oh, yes, Captain Hero! Yes!
Wooldoor: Fine, then. You get the microfilm from the Russian whore and I'll let her stay in the country.
Foxxy: Oh, thank you, Comrade Wooldoorvitch!
Wooldoor: Shh, quiet, Foxxy! Nobody's supposed to know my secret background until later!
Foxxy: Oh, right. Sorry.
Wooldoor: I'll leave you two kids alone, then. (He salutes Hero.) I'll see you later.
Hero: See you later, CIA director Sockbat!
Wooldoor turns and leaves. Foxxy scurries back into bed. She and Hero immediately resume having sex. The door opens once again. Foxxy and Hero look up, alarmed.
Wooldoor: Oh, I almost forgot. You two have your sonogram in half an hour. Don't be late. (He exits again. Foxxy and Hero turn to each other.)
Hero: Awwww! I wanted to keep having sex!
Foxxy: Hero, don't you want to find out the sex of our baby?
Hero: I don't think babies should be having sex, Foxxy.
Foxxy: I meant find out whether it's a boy or a girl.
Hero: Oh. Well, I guess I am curious about that.
Foxxy: At least that way we'll know whether or not we'll need to make the decision about whether or not to give it a bris.
Hero: Oh, I hope it's a girl so we don't have to decide. I don't want to go through THAT mess again!
Foxxy: Me either. (She sighs and gets up.) Well, I guess we'd better get dressed so we can go find out. (As Foxxy begins putting her clothes back on, Hero does not move. She turns to him.) Captain Hero? (He looks at her.) Ain't you getting dressed?
Hero: Can I not go to it naked?
Foxxy: Pretty sure that's frowned on.
Hero: Eh, it's Wooldoor. He'll let it go if it's me.
Foxxy: He might decide it's time for another penis exam.
Hero: I'll get my clothes on.
Hero gets up and begins getting dressed.
Toot (in confessional): Meanwhile, speaking of babies, another couple was working on that very thing right at that moment. (She pauses.) Uh, yeah, I guess I'm narrating this one or something. Just... cut to Clara, okay?
The scene changes to Clara and Ling-Ling's bedroom. Ling-Ling sits on the bed, somewhat nervous. Clara, in her nightclothes, emerges from the bathroom holding a pregnancy test. Her expression is somber, and she is somewhat queasy.
Ling-Ling: Nothing?
Clara: Nada.
Ling-Ling: Goddammit, what problem? Why Carla still not pregnant?
Clara: I don't know, Ling-Ling. We've been at this for months now.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling really thought we had it this time.
Clara: Me too, Ling-Ling. I was so excited when I woke up this morning and immediately had to vomit! But then... (She looks at the pregnancy test and sighs.) Now I have to deal with not being pregnant AND having a stomach virus.
Ling-Ling: We doing something wrong?
Clara: I don't know, Ling-Ling. Maybe you have to have sex in a certain way in order for it to make you pregnant.
Ling-Ling: Could always ask chocolate animal woman. She probably know. And unlike land whale, she not lie about it just to have fun at princess expense!
Toot (in confessional): Oh, that's right, I forgot all about that episode! (She laughs.) Oh, I was such a bitch in those days. Well, anyway, back to the story.
Clara: I'll ask Foxxy. If anyone around here knows anything about getting pregnant, I'm sure she does!
At that moment, we hear the sound of someone's throat clearing. Clara and Ling-Ling turn toward the door to see Spanky in the doorway.
Spanky: You know, Clara... I happen to know a thing or two about how a girl can get pregnant. Mind if I make a suggestion?
Clara: Does this suggestion involve you either videotaping and/or sitting in the same room and watching me while I do whatever kinky-ass sexual thing you claim will be almost certain to get me pregnant, which may or may not be the case, although the whole question is irrelevant since the point of the whole exercise is a cheap way for you to get your rocks off?
Spanky: Clara, is there a light switch in your brain that flips the naivete on and off?
Clara: So you're saying I was right? (Spanky sighs in frustration.) Fine. Go ahead and tell me your suggestion, Spanky. But I'm warning you, the second I catch a whiff of any sleazy intentions, the story is over.
Spanky: Ernest Hemingway never had to work under these kind of restrictions.
Clara: Ernest Hemingway didn't have a history of trying to get inside my dress.
Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here.
Clara: Just get on with the story, Spanky.
Spanky: Thank you. Now then, as we all know, a baby is formed when the man's sperm fertilizes the woman's egg. The problem with you and Ling-Ling is that his penis simply isn't long enough to get the sperm all the way there. What you need is to have the sperm inserted in you via a much longer object. Like, say- (Clara quickly gets up.)
Clara: (storming out) That's it. I'm out of here. See you at breakfast, Ling-Ling. Spanky, go take a cold shower. (She leaves. Spanky turns to Ling-Ling.)
Spanky: What? I was going to say like a turkey baster!
Ling-Ling: (scowling) No, you weren't.
Spanky: I know.
Cut to the hallway. Foxxy and Hero, now dressed, are making their way down the hallway. Clara runs into them coming out of her room.
Foxxy: Hey, Clara!
Clara: Hey, Foxxy. Where you guys off to?
Foxxy: We're going to see Dr. Wooldoor. We're going to have our sonogram today!
Clara: Oh, how wonderful! I'm very happy for you, Foxxy. Speaking of Dr. Wooldoor, I think I'll tag along. I need to see the doctor, too, about this virus I have. (The three start to walk down the hallway together. However, Foxxy suddenly stops them.)
Foxxy: Um, Clara?
Clara: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ain't you gonna get dressed before you go to see the doctor?
Clara: Why? Can I not go like this?
Hero: Sure you can! And I can go naked! (A look forms on Clara's face which is a combination of nervousness and being grossed out.)
Foxxy: It's a reference to something that happened earlier, Clara.
Clara: What? The invention of the penis?
Hero: If you'd like, I can wear the nightie and Clara can go naked.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, why don't you go on to the doctor's office? I want to have a word with Clara just a moment.
Hero: Okay, Foxxy.
Hero, whistling, begins walking down the hallway. Foxxy turns to Clara.
Foxxy: So, Clara-
Spanky: (offscreen) Wow, look at that penis! Hero, you are awesome! (Clara and Foxxy immediately turn in Hero's direction, surprised.)
Hero: Thanks!
Spanky: This video biography of Ron Jeremy you got me for my birthday makes very compelling entertainment!
Hero: It does, doesn't it?
Hero resumes whistling and continues down the hallway out of view. Foxxy turns back to Clara, both of them resuming their previous expression.
Foxxy: So, Clara, what I was going to ask you. Any luck on the baby front yet?
Clara: Not a bit. (Foxxy nods.) I don't know what the problem is, Foxxy. I honestly thought it would have happened by now.
Foxxy: Sometimes it takes a while.
Clara: It happened for you and Hero, and you guys weren't even trying!
Foxxy: It's all a matter of chance, Clara. You can't control it. You've just got to trust that when the time comes, God will bless you with child.
Clara: I know, Foxxy. I just wish there was something I could do to help it along.
Foxxy: Well, maybe there is. I'll tell you what. Let me do some thinking on this issue and I'll see if we can't come up with some ideas to help that baby get in there faster.
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Now let me think... they say that falling down the stairs is supposed to end a pregnancy. By that token... maybe falling UP the stairs would start one!
Clara: Ignoring the questionable logic of such a maneuver, is that even technically POSSIBLE?
Foxxy: In the M.C. Escher room, it might be.
Clara: Why don't you do some more thinking on it?
Foxxy: Maybe I will.
The scene changes to the waiting room of Wooldoor's doctor's office. Hero sits patiently in the waiting room gleefully reading Highlights while a very nervous-looking Xandir sits next to him. Wooldoor emerges from his office.
Wooldoor: Xandir? (Xandir jolts up.) I have your test results. (Xandir looks at Wooldoor attentively.) Xandir, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Xandir: (shocked) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! What is it?
Wooldoor: Xandir... I'm afraid that you have... cervical cancer.
Xandir: Cervical cancer! Oh no! Are you sure?
Wooldoor: I'm afraid so. Let me show you. (Xandir gets up and looks at a piece of paper Wooldoor holds out.) Xandir, this is a naked photo of yourself.
Xandir: Did you take that during a checkup for my medical records?
Wooldoor: No, I just downloaded it off your Facebook page. (Wooldoor points to a portion of the photograph.) Now if you'll look at your cervix area, there is a very large, pronounced growth here. It's much too large to be just a mole or a cyst, so I can only come to the conclusion that it's an extremely large tumor.
Xandir: Wooldoor, that's my penis.
Wooldoor: Oh? (He looks at the photo again. A moment of realization hits him.) Oh! Your penis! Of course! (Wooldoor laughs.) You don't have cervical cancer at all! You just have a penis!
Xandir: Wooldoor, I keep telling you, I'm not a girl, I'm a boy! Why do we have to keep going over this?
Spanky: (offscreen) It's an easy mistake to make. (Wooldoor and Xandir turn to Hero's left to see Spanky sitting right next to him reading Penthouse.) Hi.
Xandir: Spanky, why are you even here?
Spanky: I'm not involved in the plot this week, so I thought I'd just hang around and make snarky jokes from the sidelines.
Xandir: Fair enough.
Spanky: So getting back to Xandir's cervical cancer. That looks like a pretty big tumor there. You may have to cut it off.
Xandir: (blushing) Why, Spanky! Is that your way of saying I have a big penis?
Spanky: (putting the magazine down and getting up) Okay, we're done here. (Spanky walks out. Xandir calls after him angrily.)
Xandir: So it's okay when it's Ron Jeremy's penis, but not mine?
Wooldoor: I think Spanky likes Ron Jeremy's penis because it's usually attached to a naked woman.
Xandir: My penis is just as good as his.
Wooldoor: No, it isn't. Ron Jeremy's penis doesn't look like cervical cancer. (He looks at Xandir.) You're done, by the way. (He slaps a tube of ointment in Xandir's hand.) Here's some cream for your tumor.
Xandir: Wooldoor, I don't have a tumor! (Wooldoor gives Xandir the "talk to the hand gesture". Xandir sighs and walks out.)
Wooldoor: (looking up) Okay, who's next? (Hero looks up from his magazine and looks around the room. Nobody else is present.)
Hero: Oh. I guess I'm next.
Wooldoor: Well, Captain Hero, I do appreciate your willingness to help, but I think we're going to need Foxxy for the next part.
Hero: Oh, right. Well, while we're waiting on Foxxy, I wanted to ask you a medical question.
Wooldoor: What's that?
Hero: Wooldoor, if I got VD from a Taiwanese hooker ten years ago, is there a chance of that getting passed onto my kid?
Wooldoor: Ten years ago? No, Captain Hero, I would say you're clean. Why?
Hero: Cause she lives next door to my parents now, and if my kid is half the stud I was at his age, I'm kind of worried about what might happen when it's time to go visit Grandma and Grandpa. (Wooldoor looks at Hero strangely. At that moment, Foxxy walks in, followed by Clara.)
Wooldoor: Oh, good, you're here, Foxxy. Now we can start.
Foxxy: Wooldoor, is it okay with you if Clara goes first? I kind of think her situation is a little more precarious than ours.
Wooldoor: (very frustrated, throwing all his papers in the air) Does nobody care about schedules anymore? (Several of the papers fall down and hit him in the head, then fall to the floor.) Fine. Clara, come on back. (Wooldoor takes Clara by the hand and leads her back into his office.)
Clara: You're not going to try to feel my boob, are you?
Wooldoor: Not this time.
Wooldoor closes the door to his office. Foxxy sits down next to Hero.
Hero: (diverting his attention from the magazine to look at Foxxy) Foxxy, what do you think of the name Goofus for our kid? (Foxxy looks at Hero strangely.)
Foxxy: You're joking, right? That's a terrible name!
Hero: (holding the name out to Foxxy) Don't tell me, tell these idiot parents who named their kid that!
Foxxy: Although that does bring to mind a good question. Any idea what you want to name our child?
Hero: I honestly don't know, Foxxy. Samantha?
Foxxy: How about Jennifer?
Hero: That might work. Or what about Heather?
Foxxy: You mean Quametta?
Hero: What?
Foxxy: Never mind.
The scene changes to Wooldoor and Clara in the doctor's office. Clara is sitting on the padded chair. Wooldoor, with his back to Clara, is fiddling with some medical equipment.
Wooldoor: So what's the problem, Clara?
Clara: Well, Wooldoor, I have two problems. I'm sick to my stomach and I don't have a baby.
Wooldoor: You're sick to your stomach and you don't have a baby. (Wooldoor turns to Clara.) Hmm... you might be feeling sick because you're hungry. So maybe you should eat something. But you also want a baby inside your belly. So maybe you should eat a baby!
Clara: Wooldoor, do you ever realize what you say while you're saying it?
Wooldoor: Very seldom.
Clara: Well, Wooldoor, what I meant was, when I woke up this morning, I felt violently ill. I had to run to the bathroom and throw up practically right away. I think I have a stomach virus.
Wooldoor: So where does the baby come into it? You wish you had a baby so it could clean up your vomit? Usually it's the parents who have to clean up the baby's vomit. Although you ARE from one of those wacky royal families where everything works completely backwards from how normal people do it!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. I meant that when I had to vomit, the first thought that crossed my mind was that maybe I might be pregnant. I mean, you know that Ling-Ling and I have been trying to have one. But then when it turned out I wasn't... I guess I couldn't help but be disappointed.
Wooldoor: And since you've been trying for several months now, you're starting to wonder if something might be wrong.
Clara: Yes, exactly.
Wooldoor: Well, Clara, I can give you something for your stomach virus. As for your other problem, well... I can try, but unfortunately, I'm not a fertility expert.
Clara: I know. Whatever you can do to help.
Wooldoor: I wouldn't worry too much at this stage, Clara. For some couples, it just takes a while. A lot of it is just random chance.
Clara: I know. I just had this scary thought for a moment that I might be-
Wooldoor: I understand. I'll tell you what, Clara. I'll run some tests and make sure everything's okay down there.
Clara: Okay.
Wooldoor: But before I do anything... Clara, let me ask you something. Something really important.
Clara: What is it, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Now I'm not saying this because I have reason to believe it's the case. I just have to cover all the possibilities.
Clara: Right, I understand.
Wooldoor: Now if I give you a fertility test, and it turns out that there *is* a problem down there... will you be able to handle it?
Clara: I have to know. Maybe I'll be able to deal with it, maybe I won't. But one way or the other, I have to know.
Wooldoor: Okay, then. I'll get one ready. (As Wooldoor turns back around and begins working with his instruments again, Clara sits on the chair looking very somber, just staring into space.) While we're on the subject... do you want me to test Ling-Ling too? If you want, I can give him a test when he comes in later for his rabies shot.
Clara: I don't know, Wooldoor. (She pauses. Wooldoor turns back to face Clara.) You know what? No. I don't want Ling-Ling to worry. I'm sure if there's a problem, it's on my end.
Wooldoor: Okay, Clara. If you say so. (Wooldoor turns back around. Clara continues to look somber. Wooldoor turns to face Clara once more.) Oh, by the way, Clara. This stomach thing you have. Can you vomit on command? Cause I thought it would be really funny to show you naked pictures of various people I know and have you immediately upchuck at the sight. You know, like you were so disgusted at their ugly naked bodies that you just had to vomit? (Clara immediately clutches her stomach and begins to heave.) Wait, Clara! Not yet! Let me get that naked picture of Spanky first!
Toot (in confessional): I'm glad they didn't write this episode three years ago, or I probably would have been the punch line to that joke. But I digress. We cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office some time later.
Cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office. Foxxy is now sitting in the doctor's chair in a hospital gown while Hero stands beside her. Wooldoor is preparing an apparatus.
Wooldoor: All right, Foxxy. Time to get into the stirrups. While you're doing that, I'll go get the sonogram thingie.
From a side view, we see Foxxy lift her legs way up into the air and put her feet in the stirrups. While Wooldoor walks across the room to get another piece of equipment, Hero grins and walks in the direction of Foxxy's private area.
Wooldoor: And Hero, don't have sex with Foxxy while I'm getting the sonogram ready.
Hero: Awwww!
While Wooldoor continues to get his equipment set up, Hero walks back up to Foxxy's shoulders.
Hero: You nervous?
Foxxy: Not really? This is a pretty simple procedure.
Hero: No, I mean about having your naked snatch out there in front of everybody.
Foxxy: It's just Wooldoor. And he IS a doctor.
Wooldoor: And besides, I'm really more of a breast guy. (Wooldoor begins administering the sonogram.) All right, guys. In a few moments, an image of your baby should appear on that screen right there. (Foxxy and Hero nod to each other. Foxxy looks at Hero.)
Foxxy: I had a thought. What about calling it Timmy?
Hero: I don't think so, Foxxy. I kind of wanted this one to make it past its third birthday.
Foxxy: Ray-Ray 2?
Hero: Foxxy, why are you thinking up boys' names? Remember? We agreed we'd have a girl!
Foxxy: I know, Hero. I just don't want to spend a lot of time thinking up the perfect girl's name and then have the baby turn out to be a boy.
Hero: Well, we're just tossing out possibilities. I mean, it's not like the perfect name is going to come out of one of our mouths in the next few seconds!
Foxxy: Emily.
Hero: (his face lighting up) Oh, that's perfect! Oh, that's a beautiful name, Foxxy!
Foxxy: You're right, Hero! That would be the perfect name for our daughter! (Suddenly, a realization hits her.) Goddammit! Now just watch. I bet you anything that now that we have the perfect girl's name, that baby is going to be a boy!
Hero: It could always be our son's name.
Foxxy: Call our SON Emily? Do you want him to grow up to be gay and/or French?
Toot (in confessional): We interrupt this scene to offer our most sincere apologies to all French viewers everywhere. Our playful jabs at French people are not meant to offend, but offer a satirical view on contemporary stereotypes in contemporary society.
Marty: (offscreen) Hey, Toot, I don't think Drawn Together even airs in France.
Toot (in confessional): Then in that case, screw you, you smelly baguette-loving bastards! Viva America!
Cut back to the doctor's office.
Foxxy: Sorry, Hero, but I am not naming my son Emily.
Hero: Well, you might as well! Cause we're already going to whack away part of his manhood, we might as well castrate him on the name front too, while we're at it!
Foxxy: Whack away part of his manhood? I thought we decided we wasn't going to do that!
Hero: I thought we decided- wait. What DID we decide?
Foxxy: I think we decided to avoid the subject just in case the kid turned out to be a girl.
Hero: Right. (Hero takes Foxxy's hand. The two of them pause silently for a moment, then sigh. Hero looks at Foxxy, but says nothing. Foxxy looks straight ahead.)
Foxxy: You know, maybe it'll be okay.
Hero: You think?
Foxxy: It doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl, or what its name is, or whatever we decide to do with its junk. The important thing is that our baby grows up healthy and happy. And with you and me looking after it... (She looks at Hero.) I think the odds of that happening are pretty good. (Hero smiles.)
Hero: Me too, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (holding Hero's hand and looking directly into his eyes) I don't care if our baby is a boy or a girl.
Hero: (smiling) Me either, Foxxy.
Wooldoor: Well, guys. (Hero and Foxxy, still holding hands, turn to look at Wooldoor.) Looks like you're going to have a girl. (Foxxy's expression is somewhat muted, but Hero immediately throws his arms in the air in triumph.)
Hero: Woohoo! Oh, yeah! Booyah! (He turns to Foxxy and points at her.) You see, Foxxy? You see? I told you we'd have a girl! (Foxxy smiles.) Oh, this is perfect. We're going to call her Emily and we don't have to worry about whether or not to circumcise her! (His brow suddenly wrinkles.) Do we? I don't think Jews practice that ritual on girls, do they?
Foxxy: No, Hero. (Hero breathes a sigh of relief.)
Wooldoor: And it looks like she's going to take after her mother, too! (Hero and Foxxy look at Wooldoor with curiosity.)
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Wooldoor: Well, it's not very big just yet, but judging by the size of this bump in the chest area, it looks like your daughter is going to sport quite a nice rack!
Hero: Awesome! Wait. Should I be proud of that?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, is you serious? You can see boobs in the sonogram?
Wooldoor: Sure, Foxxy! (He points to the image on the screen.) Now if you'll see here, right below the head, there is a small bump just starting to form. Now if you look down a little bit at the- (He becomes alarmed) Wait a minute. (Wooldoor's eyes bug out. He turns to Hero and Foxxy.) Hero? Foxxy? Why does your baby have two heads?
Foxxy: Two heads? Whatchoo talkin' about, Wooldoor?
Hero: Oh, goddammit, Foxxy! Are you my sister or something? I thought I told you before we got engaged to tell me if we were related somehow! (Foxxy looks confused and weirded out. She turns back to Wooldoor.)
Foxxy: Wooldoor, there has to be a mistake of some sort.
Wooldoor: There's no mistake, Foxxy! (He turns to look at the sonogram image.) I see two very distinct appendages where the head- oh, wait, that's not the head. That's its legs. The baby is upside down. (He turns back to Hero and Foxxy.) Yeah, that's not a breast, that's a penis. Your baby is a boy. (Hero sighs in exasperation.)
Hero: Oh, dammit!
Foxxy: I still ain't calling it Emily. (Hero sighs again. The scene fades.)
Toot (in confessional): So sometime later, Hero and Foxxy gathered the others into the living room to watch the tape of the sonogram. Hilarity may or may not have ensued. I didn't really pay attention to that part.
Cut to the living room. Everyone is gathered around the TV. Hero holds a DVD in his hand.
Clara: So what is this and why are we watching it?
Foxxy: This is our sonogram, Clara. We's gonna show you all a picture of Hero and mine's baby in my womb.
Clara: Oh, God, this is how ill I am. I don't even feel up to correcting any of the 17 grammatical errors Foxxy made in that sentence.
Foxxy: But you was well enough to count them, I see.
Clara: Yeah, well, that part's just instinct.
Spanky: Why don't you go ahead and show us the sonogram, Captain Hero?
Hero: Sure, Spanky! (Hero pops the DVD into the player. He turns to the others.) Now some of you have probably never seen a sonogram before, so don't worry if you don't understand what you're looking at. I'll be right here to explain it to you.
Spanky grins. Everyone turns their attention to the TV screen. Immediately, everybody reacts. Foxxy and Wooldoor are shocked. Clara is disgusted. Spanky laughs. Hero is confused, but mildly intrigued.
Hero: Okay... this wasn't how it looked in the doctor's office, but I think I can figure it out. (He points to a part of the screen.) Now somewhere deep in this tunnel here is where the baby dwells.
Clara: Hero, I know what THAT is! (She points at the screen.) But God, you people! I didn't know you were going to take pictures of THAT end of things! Is this what a sonogram is? Seriously?
Wooldoor: Maybe it's a before and after shot. This is the before.
Clara: (covering her eyes) Oh God, now I feel like I know Foxxy in a special way!
Foxxy: Clara, that ain't MY coochie y'all's looking at. Somebody obviously switched the disc with something else.
Clara: But who would- (She immediately turns to Spanky, who is snickering.) Goddammit, Spanky. That's not funny.
Spanky: Oh, yes it is, Clara! That's hilarious!
Clara: What is that? Is that a childbirth video?
Spanky: No, it's one of my pornos.
Foxxy: Well, take it back and give Hero the DVD of our sonogram.
Spanky: Fine. (Spanky gets up and hands Hero the correct DVD. Hero ejects the porno disc from the player and hands it back to Spanky.)
Wooldoor: Hey, Clara! (Clara turns to Wooldoor.) When we saw that thing on TV, it would have been hilarious if you'd chosen that exact moment to throw up again!
Clara: Thank you for your desire to use my illness for comedy, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You could throw up when the actual sonogram comes on. It wouldn't be quite as funny as it would have been earlier, but it would still be pretty funny.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor. I'll be fine.
Spanky: Clara, if I paid you fifty bucks, would you vomit on a hooker and let me film it?
Clara: Dear God. Don't tell me you have a vomit fetish.
Spanky: Me? No way! I totally think that's disgusting. But I do think I could put some clips on the internet and make some money off of it.
Hero inserts the correct disc into the player and turns to the others.
Hero: Okay, then. Now for our actual sonogram. Is everyone ready?
Foxxy: I think so. Spanky? Clara? Ling-Ling? Wooldoor? (Everyone nods.) Xandir? (There is no response.) Xandir? (Everyone looks around. Xandir is not present.) Well, where did Xandir go?
Wooldoor: I think he's over here, Foxxy.
The group looks in Wooldoor's direction. Wooldoor steps aside to reveal Xandir sitting on the floor with his arms around his legs. His eyes are completely glazed over. He rocks back and forth in a sort of trance.
Xandir: Can't sleep, box will eat me! Can't sleep, box will eat me! Can't sleep, box will eat me! (Foxxy gets up and walks over to Xandir. The others get up and follow her.)
Foxxy: Xandir, is you all traumatized from having to look at that girl's sink?
Xandir: Make it go away, Mommy! Make it go away!
Spanky: Okay, Xandir. You don't like box. We get it.
Xandir: (singing quietly to himself) Hush, little Xandir, don't you cry... Mommy's going to buy you a... something that rhymes with cry...
Foxxy: Xandir, I thought you was supposed to be a brave warrior! This sure as hell ain't brave! (Xandir stops whimpering and turns to Foxxy.) Now quit your crying and watch the sonogram with us before I have to kick all y'all's asses!
Xandir: (submissively) Yes, ma'am. (Xandir straightens himself up and sits back down on the couch. The others do likewise.)
Foxxy: Now then, Hero. You may begin.
Hero pushes play on the DVD remote. The sonogram begins. We hear the sound of the heartbeat.
Everyone's faces light up with curiosity.
Spanky, Hero, and Ling-Ling: Oooh!
Xandir: Oh, wow!
Foxxy: That IS beautiful!
Spanky: It's just like watching scrambled porn!
Suddenly, we hear a violent retching sound. Foxxy motions to Hero to stop the DVD. She turns to Clara.
Foxxy: Goddammit, Clara!
Clara: It wasn't me! I promise!
Foxxy: Yeah, right. Who else would-
The retching continues. Both women turn around to see a huge puddle of vomit around Wooldoor's feet. He is extremely woozy.
Foxxy: What the hell? Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I guess that's irony, huh? (He turns to Foxxy.) I couldn't help it, Foxxy! That sonogram is just so disgusting and creepy! And scary! It frightened me so much, I just had to vomit out of fear!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, you was the one who took the sonogram in the first place!
Wooldoor: I know. (Foxxy and Clara both roll their eyes and turn back around to resume watching the sonogram. A look of curiosity starts to form on Clara's face.)
Clara: So, guys. What exactly are we looking at, here?
Foxxy: Well, Clara, that is an image of the baby that is growing in my womb!
Clara: Yes, I know that, Foxxy. But what I mean is... what exactly are we supposed to be learning from this?
Foxxy: Well, we ain't gonna be getting any insight into what the baby's gonna look like when he's older or anything, but it's just kind of cool to see. At least this way, we know he's healthy.
Clara: You say he. You're sure this is a boy?
Foxxy: That's what Wooldoor says!
Clara: How do you know?
Hero: Now that's a silly question, Clara! Just look at it! (Hero points to the sonogram image.) You see there?
Clara: See what?
Hero: (still pointing) That right there! The baby's penis!
Clara: Hero, I'm pretty sure that's its foot.
Hero: No, Clara, that's definitely the baby's penis. (looking at the sonogram, now becoming very impressed) Wow! My kid is going to be hung like a horse!
Clara: Um, Hero? (Hero turns to Clara.) You realize that your baby's penis has toes on it?
Hero: Don't be silly, Clara! Those are its balls!
Clara: It has five of them!
Hero: Well, my kid is really manly! (He looks at the sonogram again.) Damn! You know, I was actually upset about having a boy at first. But looking at this huge schlong on him... just... damn!
Spanky: Hey, Clara, if you want to get pregnant, you should have sex with one of those things! (He points to the sonogram. Clara wrinkles her brow.)
Foxxy: Hero, I think Clara's right. That's his foot, not his penis. (Wooldoor gets up and goes to look at the sonogram up close.)
Hero: (pointing to the penis/foot) That thing right there makes me the happiest, proudest dad in the world!
Wooldoor: Hero, the girls are right. That's the baby's foot.
Hero: Oh. Really? (Wooldoor nods.) Well, I'm still proud. At least now I know that our baby won't be a deformed footless freak!
Xandir: Wait. So if that huge thing right there isn't the baby's penis... then where IS the baby's penis?
Hero: Don't be silly, Xandir. If that's not the baby's penis, then obviously, it doesn't have one! Our baby must be a girl after all!
Wooldoor: (still looking at the sonogram) Nope. (He turns to face the others.) Nope, that's definitely a boy. (The others look at Wooldoor curiously.) Yeah, I got over my fear of this thing.
Hero: (pointing at the foot) So if that isn't the penis, then where IS the penis?
Wooldoor: (pointing at another part of the sonogram) Right there!
Hero: (looking at the sonogram) I don't see anything!
Wooldoor: You see that tiny little bump right there? THAT'S the baby's penis! (Hero recoils in shock.)
Hero: No! No, it can't be!
Foxxy: What?
Hero: That's our baby's penis? That miserable tiny thing? (Wooldoor nods.) It can't be! Unless our baby's Asian! (Ling-Ling glares at Hero.)
Wooldoor: Hero, you've got to cut it some slack! It's just a fetus! It's going to get bigger!
Clara: That baby looks awfully flexible. It can't orally pleasure itself in the womb, can it?
Spanky: If it's Foxxy's kid, it might!
Xandir: If it upsets you, Hero, you could always just cut the penis off and raise the child as a girl! (mimicking Spanky's voice) You mean like your parents did with you, Xandir? (resuming his normal voice) No, Spanky, I don't mean that at all! (Xandir sees that the others are now staring at him.) Well, I know it's what you were all thinking! (Foxxy gets up and walks over to Hero.)
Foxxy: Look, Hero. The important thing is that our baby is healthy. Beyond that, I don't care whether it has a big penis or a small one, just as long as it's happy!
Hero: But... if our baby has a small penis, then... how will it ever get laid?
Clara: (imitating Spanky) Well, it could always hook up with Clara! She likes the small ones! (Spanky turns to Clara angrily.)
Spanky: Dude... what the hell? You taking all my jokes away from me now?
Foxxy: Hero, our son will be fine. Big penis or small, he'll find somebody really special who makes him happy. And you know why? Cause we're going to raise him to be the best little man in the world.
Hero: I guess you're right, Foxxy. I guess it doesn't matter what our son looks like. Short, tall, thin, fat, big penis, small one... the important thing is that we'll give him so much love, he can't help but turn out to be a great person.
Foxxy: That's right.
Hero: And besides, even if he DOES turn out to be ugly as sin, well... Spanky still found a wife!
Spanky: Oh, come ON! What did I ever do to you people? (They all look at him flatly.) Besides all the stuff I did.
The group collectively rolls their eyes. Spanky waves his hand dismissively at the group. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on the confessional. We see the mime sitting in the confessional chair with a dog collar around his neck and his hair completely mussed. He has a frightened look on his face. He looks from side to side nervously, then turns and faces the camera. He then puts his hands in front of himself and starts doing the "trapped in a box" routine". A shrill voice from the side cuts him off.
Toot: (offscreen) Shut the hell up, mime!
The mime hangs his head in shame and mimes fake tears. The scene changes back to Wooldoor's waiting room where we see Clara sitting alone. Though she is clearly apprehensive, she sits trying to distract herself by flipping through a magazine.
Clara: (looking at magazine) Goofus? What is that, a Jewish name or something? (At that moment, Clara hears a sound off to the side. She turns her head in the direction of the door to the hallway outside. Ling-Ling enters. He sees Clara and becomes shocked.)
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: What Carla doing here?
Clara: Um... (She thinks to herself.) Okay, come on, Clara. Just make up some excuse. Just anything that will convince him you're not getting a fertility test. (She resumes speaking again.) Um... not getting a fertility test! How about you?
Ling-Ling: Uh, yeah. Ling-Ling here to not get fertility test either! (They smile at each other. Wooldoor emerges from his doctor's office.)
Wooldoor: Clara? Ling-Ling? I've got the results of your fertility tests. (Clara and Ling-Ling turn to each other in shock.)
Clara and Ling-Ling: (in unison) You lied to me! (They both draw back in surprise.) Me? What did I do? (They point to each other.) You're the one who said- (Wooldoor steps in.)
Wooldoor: Yeah, very cute, you two. So do you want to hear your test results or not?
Ling-Ling: (nodding) Sure. Sockbat go ahead.
Wooldoor: All right. Ling-Ling, your test came back fine. Your sperm count is good... you should be more than capable of fathering a child.
Ling-Ling: (relaxing somewhat) Whew. Ling-Ling feel better now.
Wooldoor: Good, good. You know, for a tiny little man, you sure produce an awful lot of sperm! If you wore underwear, I bet they'd be dirtier than Spanky's!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not sure what that supposed to mean, but okay. (Wooldoor turns to Clara.)
Wooldoor: Clara? You ready? (Clara, however, is looking down silently. She does not respond to Wooldoor's questions.) Clara?
Clara: I... I don't know.
Wooldoor: Clara, what's wrong?
Clara: Wooldoor, I... I know I told you before that I could handle the truth, but now I don't know. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it after all.
Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara turns to look at Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling motions to Clara to pick him up. She does so.) Carla, it be okay. Ling-Ling promise.
Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling promise Carla that no matter what Sockbat say... he be there for her. No matter what happen, he and Carla go through it together.
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. And thank you. (Clara turns to Wooldoor.) I still don't think I'm ready for this, Wooldoor. I'm sorry.
Wooldoor: So... you don't want to hear the results?
Clara: Maybe another day, Wooldoor. When I'm stronger.
Wooldoor: Great. So I took a sample of your girly juice for nothing. You made me mess around in that icky, icky vagina of yours- (Clara is mildly shocked.) Nothing personal, Clara. They're pretty much all like that. (Clara nods.) I worked through my entire lunch hour because I thought you were super anxious to get these results, and now I find out you don't even want to hear them? That is... such bulltoot!
Clara: What?
Cut to Toot and Marty in their hotel room. Toot is standing at the minibar.
Toot: Hey, what do you say we get some peanuts?
Marty: Toot, are you crazy? Do you know how expensive that stuff is?
Toot: That's okay. I just made twenty bucks cause Wooldoor said my catchphrase on TV!
Marty nods. The scene changes back to Wooldoor's office.
Wooldoor: You suck, Clara! You and your stinky vagina both suck major donkey balls! (Clara is shocked once again.)
Clara: Wooldoor Sockbat, how dare you speak to me that way! If it wasn't for the fact that a good gynecologist is so hard to find, I would so complain to the AMA and have your license revoked!
Wooldoor: Shows how much you know! I'm not even certified by the AMA! (At this moment, Ling-Ling begins to smirk.) What? What's so funny, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara looks at Ling-Ling.) If Carla want to get back at Sockbat, Ling-Ling know how she can do it.
Clara: (excited) Ooh! How's that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Well... the two of us go upstairs and have sex.
Clara: Right, and?
Ling-Ling: And the two of us just keep having sex and having sex until Carla finally get pregnant! And once Carla do get pregnant, we come downstairs and steal results of Carla fertility tests and show entire world how Sockbat totally wrong about Carla not being able to get pregnant!
Wooldoor: Ha! In that case, Ling-Ling, your plan is going to backfire BIG TIME, because those test results show that Clara CAN get pregnant! (Clara looks up, stunned.) Who'll be laughing then, little man?
Ling-Ling: Still us.
Wooldoor: (somberly) I know. (Clara cautiously walks over to Wooldoor.)
Clara: Wooldoor? Is this true?
Wooldoor: Huh? (He turns to Clara.) Oh, right. Yeah, Clara, turns out you're fine. You should be more than capable of conceiving a child. (Tears of joy begin to well up in Clara's eyes. She takes Ling-Ling by the hand.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling! This really is going to happen for us! Oh, I feel so much better now!
Ling-Ling: Me too, Carla!
Wooldoor: (snidely) Oh, so you're okay with knowing now that you know the news is GOOD! (He begins imitating Clara.) No, Wooldoor! Don't tell me! I don't think I can take it! What? The news is good? Oh, yay, I guess I can take it after all! (By this point, Clara and Ling-Ling are gazing longingly into each other's eyes. Wooldoor turns away in disgust and begins walking away.) You guys make me sick. I'm going to go get drunk and play golf or something. Xandir can do his own damn pap smear.
While Clara and Ling-Ling begin to kiss, Wooldoor storms out angrily. The scene fades. The camera fades back up on Foxxy and Hero in bed together. Hero has his arm around Foxxy.
Hero: So.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: I guess we're going to have us a little boy.
Foxxy: Looks like we are.
Hero: You know, Foxxy, I said I wanted a girl, but... I honestly don't think I care either way.
Foxxy: Me too. Boy or girl, the important thing is, it'll be our child. And it'll be wonderful.
Hero: Yeah. It will.
Foxxy: And look at it this way. You'll have somebody to do father-son stuff with. Like play baseball, work on cars... look at porn together.
Hero: Is that really a father-son thing?
Foxxy: Just ask Spanky. I'm sure he knows.
Spanky: (on the other side of the wall) Oh, for Christ's sake, people! Get off my ass already!
Hero: Just think of all the things I'll be able to teach him.
Foxxy: Like the birds and the bees?
Hero: Maybe. (He looks at Foxxy.) Or maybe you should handle that one. (She looks at him questioningly.) Your approach to that kind of thing is a lot more... mature... than mine.
Foxxy: Yeah, I don't think little boys want to hear about sex from their mommas.
Hero: Good point. (Foxxy smiles. Hero looks at her.) So what about you? You like this development?
Foxxy: (thinks for a moment) Yes, Hero. Yes, I do. I mean, I was like you. I know we talked about wanting a girl, but now that we've come to find out it'll be a boy... well, there's a lot of things that make me feel excited about that also. (Hero nods.) They say a boy's biggest love is his mother. Well, I sure know that'll be true of my boy.
Hero: Foxxy, that's messed up.
Foxxy: I didn't mean that in an incestuous way, Hero.
Hero: Oh, right. (Foxxy and Hero hug for a moment before Hero speaks again.) So what about the next one?
Foxxy: Next one?
Hero: Our next kid. What if it ends up being a girl instead of a boy? We'll have to start all over learning to love a whole new gender!
Foxxy: Somehow I think we'll be able to manage that.
Hero: You're right. (Foxxy nods.) So.
Foxxy: Yes?
Hero: Should we come back to the question?
Foxxy: Oh, right.
Hero: Now that we know it'll be a boy, we'll have to actually make a decision about the bris thing.
Foxxy: That's true.
Hero: So do you know what you want to do?
Foxxy: Really, Hero... I could go either way. (She looks at Hero.) Hero, you're the father. I trust your judgment. Whatever you want to do will be fine with me. (Hero nods, then winces.) What?
Hero: Dammit, Foxxy!
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I was going to tell YOU to decide! (Hero sighs. Foxxy nods.)
Foxxy: Maybe we need to think on this some more.
Hero: Maybe you're right.
Foxxy nods. The two sit silently for a moment, Foxxy still cuddling in Hero's arms. After a moment, Foxxy speaks.
Foxxy: There is still one other issue on the table that we could discuss. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly.) Since we know it's going to be a boy after all, we need a new name for him.
Hero: Not Emily?
Foxxy: Hero, do you WANT our kid to be beaten?
Hero: Point taken.
Foxxy: Well, it's okay. We don't have to decide on that tonight, either.
Hero: Yeah, that's true. I mean, we should take some time to think about it.
Foxxy: Exactly.
Hero: We can each come up with some names we like and then sit down and discuss them with each other and make an informed decision.
Foxxy: Exactly!
Hero: I mean, it's not like the perfect name is going to come out of one of our mouths in the next few seconds!
Foxxy: Richard.
Hero: Son of a bitch, Foxxy, how do you keep doing that?
Foxxy: I don't know. I guess it's a gift I have!
Hero: So what made you think of Richard all of a sudden?
Foxxy: Well, the two of us was talking about kids and being parents, and that got me to thinking about how lucky I was when I finally found MY real father after all these years. And it just occurred to me that naming our first child after him would be a great way to honor him.
Hero: Wait. I thought your father's name was Ricky.
Foxxy: Hero... seriously? We're going to do this again?
Hero: Wait. You mean... Ricky is short for Richard? (The realization suddenly hits him.) Wow, that is so cool! I never realized that!
Foxxy: You don't say.
The two pause for a moment. Foxxy sighs. Hero begins cuddling Foxxy again.
Hero: You want to know what else I'm really happy about? The fact that we decided to move up our wedding. (Foxxy nods.) Seriously, Foxxy... with all that's been going on, I'm more excited about marrying you than ever.
Foxxy: Me too.
Hero: I guess it's time to get cracking on planning that thing. Especially if we're going to do it in what, two, three months?
Foxxy: Around then. (They pause.) I definitely want to be husband and wife by the time the baby comes out.
Hero: Yeah. That way, nobody will be able to go around calling OUR kid a little bastard!
Spanky: (on the other side of the wall) Oh, goddammit, you two!
The scene fades. The scene fades back up on Toot in the confessional wearing only a very thin negligee. She is leaning backward in the chair with a huge look of satisfaction on her face. In her left hand is a lit cigarette from which smoke is trailing.
Toot (in confessional): Oh, I don't actually smoke anymore. I'm just holding this thing to signify the incredibly hot sex I just got finished having. (She yawns and stretches.) That's right. Marty and I did lots of fun stuff around Paris and had lots of hot, hot sex. And it was goooooooood. (She straightens up in the chair.) I think I'm satisfied for the moment. Marty and I have had enough sex for the night, I think. I think Marty's going to try to get some sleep now. In the meantime, I'll just sit in here and chat with you guys! How's that sound?
Marty: (offscreen) Toot... you'd better get in here. The mime is miming buttraping me! (Toot sighs in frustration.)
Toot (in confessional): Wait here. I'll be back. (She gets up, and then pauses.) Or maybe I won't. I don't know. I'll tell you what. I'll go take care of Marty for a while. If you guys are still around when I get finished, I'll talk to you then. Okay? Toodles!
Toot quickly hurries out of the confessional back into the hotel room. While the camera lingers on the confessional chair, we hear Toot's voice in the next room.
Toot: (offscreen) Hey, you! Get off that fake invisible Marty!
The scene fades.
THE END