Post by Raymond-Raymond on Feb 10, 2007 22:16:14 GMT -5
TWO-LOVER CONVERSION
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Clara sitting alone watching TV.
TV: And how much would you expect to pay for this beautiful (under his breath, you can hear the announcer quickly say “ceramic” before restoring his voice to full volume again) ming vase?
Clara: About five bucks.
TV: Well, believe it or not, it can be yours for the low low cost of just $29.95!
Clara: I hope you’re giving that price in pesos!
The doorbell rings.
Clara: I’ll get it! (She stands up and looks around) Said Clara to apparently, no one. (She walks over to the door and opens it. There stands Edward Goldberg.) You again! What do you want this time?
Goldberg: Clara, I’ve come to mend fences. (Clara looks outside.)
Clara: (angrily) Why? What have you done to our fence?
Goldberg: No, I meant that metaphorically. I mean, I want to bury the hatchet.
Clara: I see. You want to hide the murder weapon.
Goldberg: (annoyed) Do you have kishka for brains? I want to make peace with you.
Clara: Make peace with me? Oh, I see. Because of our religious differences.
Goldberg: That’s right, because you’re a Christian and I’m a Jew.
Clara: I thought you meant because I was right and you were wrong. (The man scowls. Clara begins to laugh.) I’m just kidding. I think you’re right. I think it is time we reconcile. I admit, I feel bad for all the times I’ve criticized and mocked your people. Believe me, I’m really trying to change. Is there anything I can do to show you how truly sorry I am?
Goldberg: Yes. Join me in the prayer of repentance and you shall be absolved.
Clara: Sounds fair.
The two kneel to the floor. Clara bows her head and closes her eyes. The man cranes his head to sneak a quick look at Clara’s bosom and grins. Then he says some nonsensical, vaguely Hebrew-sounding words and puts his hand on her shoulder.
Goldberg: Open your eyes, my child. (She does.) Your sins have been forgiven.
Clara: Wow, I actually do feel different. What did those words mean?
Goldberg: Those words? Oh, they were just an incantation for the conversion ceremony. (Clara suddenly becomes concerned.)
Clara: Conversion? (She realizes.) You mean…?
Goldberg: That’s right. Princess Clara, you are now a fully ordained Jew!
She gasps and grabs her chest.
Clara: No! It can’t be!
Goldberg: (laughing sadistically) Oh, but it is! You see now how it feels to be an oppressed minority? (He continues laughing as he walks out the door. Clara hits her knees again.)
Clara: Heavenly Father, please forgive me! I didn’t mean to do it! Please don’t strike me down in anger!
A lightning bolt descends from the sky and hits Clara, knocking her across the room. As the camera cuts to a shot of Clara sprawled out on the floor, the scene suddenly changes. Instead of her regular clothes, she is wearing her nightgown, and instead of being on the floor in the living room, she is still in bed. She breathes a sigh of relief.
Clara: Wow, what a crazy dream! If I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone was trying to tell me something.
Clara suddenly looks over the door. The door is opening, seemingly by itself. A small rattling sound can be heard below. Clara pulls the covers up to her face.
Clara: Oh, no! A ghost! Oh, please don’t hurt me, Mr. Ghost!
As the rattling sound passes around the foot of her bed, a tray comes into view. Clara stops cowering and begins eyeing the tray.
Clara: You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that was…
The tray stops right in front of her. Onto the bed hops Ling-Ling.
Clara: Why, Ling-Ling! You brought me breakfast in bed! Wasn’t that sweet of you?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want only the best for his beautiful bride. (Clara begins looking at what he brought her, becoming somewhat confused as she surveys each item.) Unfortunately, Ling-Ling not have much time to prepare, so today Carla have to be content with second best.
Clara: Why, I think it’s wonderful, Ling-Ling. You did a great job. Even if I don’t know what kind of strange meat this is. (She holds up something that looks like a pork chop, but is colored black and white.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling make that especially for you.
Ling-Ling has a flashback. He is sitting on the couch watching TV when Toot walks up to him.
Toot: Get out of my spot, Ling-Ling or I’ll toss you like a bottle of fat free soy milk!
Ling-Ling: Try it, land whale, and Ling-Ling carve you up and serve you for breakfast!
Toot picks up Ling-Ling and hurls him across the room. He bounces off the wall and glares at her. The last thing we see is an angry Ling-Ling hurling himself toward Toot.
Cut back to Clara eating the pork chop. Ling-Ling smiles.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene shifts to downstairs, where the group minus Clara and Ling-Ling are enjoying breakfast. Toot takes a frying pan off the stove and holds it out to Spanky.
Toot: More bacon, Spanky? (Spanky scowls.)
Spanky: That’s not funny, Toot.
Toot: What?
Spanky: Offering me pork!
Toot: Oh, because you’re-
Spanky: That’s right! Because I’m Muslim! You know it’s forbidden to me!
Toot: Sorry, Spanky, I forgot.
Xandir: Guys, please, let’s not fight.
Spanky: What’s the matter, Xandir, you afraid of confrontation? Are you too sensitive to handle it?
Xandir: No, it’s just that I was at this really wild party last night and I’m kind of hung over. That Zima really knocks me on my ass!
Foxxy: Speaking of being knocked on one’s ass, does anyone know if the lovebirds will be joining us this morning?
Hero: What are you talking about? We’re already here! (Xandir glares at Hero angrily and puts his index finger against his lip in a shushing motion. Hero clams up.)
Foxxy: No, I meant Clara and Ling-Ling!
Xandir: I doubt it. Last time I checked, they were in her room together with the door closed.
Wooldoor: That’s because they’re in love! Isn’t that sweet?
Toot: Oh, please. Just because Clara and Ling-Ling are married now, they think the whole world revolves around them! Apparently they seem to have forgotten it’s supposed to be revolving around me!
Foxxy: You know if I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone around here was a little jealous.
Toot: I’m not jealous! I don’t have anything to be jealous of! Clara and Ling-Ling are fooling themselves if they think what they’ve found is real love.
Foxxy: No offense, Toot, but what would you know about real love? Real love is when two people discover something in each other that makes them feel more complete, like Clara has done with Ling-Ling. It isn’t stalking someone for two years and then guilt-tripping them into having sex with you!
Toot: Oh sure, make this about me all of a sudden!
Spanky: I have to admit, though, Toot may have a point. It is kind of hard to believe that those two are really in love. After all, why would a beautiful princess choose a weird orange cat thing over all the great-looking guys out there?
Xandir: You mean, why would she choose Ling-Ling over you.
Spanky: Exactly! I mean, no! I mean- oh, never mind.
Hero: I agree with Spanky. Their love can’t be real. Quite frankly, they’re just too strange a pairing.
The scene cuts to Hero in a bar. We see him talking to someone, but the other person is out of view.
Hero: I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone else, but I really have special feelings for you. Will you marry me?
Voice: I can’t.
Hero: Why not?
The scene cuts to the other person to reveal Hero is talking to Blossom of the Powerpuff Girls.
Blossom: Because I’m seven!
Hero: Oh, well, what can do you do. Say, could you give me your sister’s number? The spacy blonde one?
Cut back to the Drawn Together house.
Foxxy: I don’t know what all yall’s problem is. It should be obvious that those two really love each other. You saw how happy Ling-Ling was when Clara agreed to marry him. And Clara loved him so much, she even stood up to her father for the first time in her life!
Spanky: Well, I say there’s only one way to know if a couple is truly in love. And that’s to see them doing it!
Hero: Spanky, I would be so totally disgusted right now- if I didn’t kind of want to see it for myself.
Wooldoor: So you guys are going to try to catch Clara and Ling-Ling in the act? That seems kind of wrong.
Spanky: You can have my bacon if you’ll keep quiet about it.
Wooldoor: Okay! (takes the bacon) Wheeeeeeeeeee! I love keeping secrets! Do you want me to go ask Clara and Ling-Ling to have sex so you guys can watch? (Hero and Spanky roll their eyes.)
Hero: Now there’s no need to be crass! I’ll just use my X-ray vision to spy on them! (Foxxy smacks Hero.)
Foxxy: I am not going to let you give Clara a brain tumor! (thinks) Although it might be fun to see what Clara would be like as a politically incorrect stereotype.
Cut to a rundown cabin the mountains. Toot sits outside the cabin in a rocking chair. She is wearing overalls and a beard, and is passed out in her chair with a bottle marked “XXX” in her hand. Ling-Ling is shown chained to a fence post, sleeping like a hound. Clara stands in front of the cabin. She is wearing a low-cut tied off plaid shirt, Daisy Duke shorts, and bare feet. Xandir and Hero come out of the cabin dressed like typical mountain men. Clara throws herself against Xandir.
Clara: Hey, cousin Xandir. You feel like making out?
Xandir: Damn it, Clara are you drunk again?
Clara: I don’t drink, cousin Xandir. When I’m drunk I lose all my inhibitions!
Xandir is uninterested. Clara turns to Hero.
Clara: Well, what about you, cousin Hero? Feel like a smoochin’ session?
Hero: I’d love to if I only knew what that was!
Clara: Well, fine then! If you guys wanna be babies about it, I’m going to go make out with the new friend I found! (She goes over to the barn and pulls out Foxxy, who is in minstrel form again.)
Foxxy: God damn it.
The scene shifts back to the Drawn Together house. Hero and Spanky are brainstorming ideas for catching Clara and Ling-Ling. Toot sits watching them and fuming.
Toot: (in confessional) Everyone thought it was so great about Clara and Ling-Ling, but I knew those two weren’t really in love. This whole marriage thing was a desperate cry for attention. Not that Clara needed any more attention! She already thought the whole world revolved around her anyway! But she always struck me as a really desperate and paranoid person who would do anything for attention. I think someone’s got some issues!
Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling in bed finishing breakfast.
Clara: Oh, that was wonderful, Ling-Ling! You really are a great cook.
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Everyone said Ling-Ling crazy to stalk Martha Stewart. But Ling-Ling show them!
Clara: I guess this blissful morning couldn’t last forever, though. I guess it’s time to get dressed to go downstairs.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling need to wash up too. But he out of favorite beauty product. Unless Carla have some he can use.
Clara: What is it you need, Ling-Ling? More shampoo? (Ling-Ling nods.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling need P… Ple… Plerr.
Clara: Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that kind. I have some Prell, though, would that work? (He jumps up excitedly.) It’s in the bathroom. You can just wash up in there if you’d like. (Ling-Ling dashes off. Clara gets out of bed and starts to walk over to her closet, but then pauses a moment.) Hmm... I wonder. (She sees a drawer near the floor marked “Ling-Ling personal effects for stay with Carla”) Oh, that’s so adorable! Grammatically atrocious, but adorable! (She glances in the direction of the bathroom.) Ling-Ling?
There is no answer. She hears the water running. She glances around for a moment and opens the drawer, then begins pulling out the items one by one and surveying them. First she pulls out a Puffy Amiyumi CD.
Clara: I’ve never heard of these people. Maybe they’re his old girlfriends. (Next she pulls out a pair of purple satin underwear.) That’s strange. These look like… mine! They must have gotten mixed up with Ling-Ling’s things by mistake. (She smells them) They’re not washed! I have got to remember to do laundry soon! (Next she pulls out a long, black, extremely kinky looking item. A look of extreme confusion crosses her face.) What on earth is this thing? (She begins fingering a dangling cord at the end of it then whirls it around.) Oh, it must be some kind of martial arts weapon. So what else do we have in here?
Clara: (in confessional) I guess it was like Pandora opening her box. I knew I shouldn’t have been snooping around Ling-Ling’s things, but I only wanted to try to learn more about his personality. My father always said the way to form a deep lasting relationship with somebody is to learn everything you can about them by going through their things. He told me that one day when he was at breakfast with his sixth wife.
Clara looks back into the drawer, but suddenly her look changes to one first of confusion, then of near-horror.
Clara: Oh my God! (almost panicking) What is this? What on earth is Ling-Ling doing with this?
Cut to Clara in another part of the house talking to Foxxy.
Clara: I just can’t believe it, Foxxy. I really thought I knew Ling-Ling! But now I realize this marriage may have been a horrible mistake!
Foxxy: Now, Clara, I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad!
Clara: Foxxy, when I decided to become Ling-Ling’s partner, I thought it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Even though Ling-Ling was nothing like what I had imagined my future husband to be, I accepted that. I accepted that he’s a different race from me. I accepted that our children might turn out to be horribly disfigured mutants of some sort. But I don’t know if I can accept… this. (She hands Foxxy a book. Foxxy looks at the front and is shocked.)
Foxxy: Oh my God! Clara, I am so sorry!
Clara: Now you understand why I reacted the way I did.
Foxxy: So our sweet little Ling-Ling- the man you’ve pledged your heart and soul to- is actually-
Clara: That’s right, Foxxy.
The camera cuts to a closeup of the book cover. The book is Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.
Clara: A Scientologist!
Cowering, Clara collapses into Foxxy’s arms.
Foxxy: There, there, Clara, it’ll be all right.
There is a knock at the door. Hero pokes his head in.
Hero: Excuse me. Am I interrupting anything?
Clara: Yes, you are.
Hero: Sorry. (To Clara’s annoyance, he enters anyway.) Look, Clara, I need some advice on a love-related matter.
Foxxy: Well, if it’s love advice you need, Foxxy’s the one to- (he shushes her)
Hero: Clara, as someone who’s very recently found love, I think you’d be in the best position to advise me.
Clara: (annoyed, but trying to be diplomatic) Yes, what is it, Captain Hero?
Hero: I’m having some trouble, you know… pleasing my girlfriend?
Foxxy: (derisively) Girlfriend?
Hero: Yes, girlfriend! Don’t you remember last spring how I proved conclusively I wasn’t gay? So anyway, it’s kind of difficult for me to have relations with this- girlfriend- of mine because she’s- well, she’s a lot shorter than I am.
Clara: Damn it, Hero, I told you to stay away from Bubbles!
Hero: No, it’s not Bubbles. It’s… (thinks) Well, it doesn’t matter who it is! The point is that I’m not sure how to approach lovemaking with her because of our height differential.
Foxxy: Now, Captain Hero, what you’ve got to do is-
Hero: Quiet, Foxxy! I’m asking Clara.
Clara: Captain Hero, I’m hardly an expert on lovemaking. I really haven’t even had-
Hero: Never mind that! Just show me how you would approach relations with someone who’s a different size from you. For instance, why don’t you demonstrate on your husband Ling-Ling? You two can have sex, and I’ll sit and watch!
Clara: (becoming angry) Get out of here, you pervert!
Hero: I’ll pay you fifty bucks!
Foxxy: Well, Captain Hero, for fifty bucks, I’d be glad to-
Hero: All right, fine then, I’ll leave! (runs out in a huff and slams the door. Foxxy and Clara roll their eyes at each other, then resume their conversation)
Clara: I just don’t know what I’m going to do, Foxxy. I guess I always just assumed that when I found my true love, he’d be a Christian like myself. But maybe what I have with Ling-Ling isn’t true love.
Foxxy: Clara, you can’t let something like this change your feelings for Ling-Ling. What you really need to do is talk to Ling-Ling about this. If you really love each other, you’ll find a way to work this out. Even if it means converting.
Clara: I couldn’t ask Ling-Ling to change his faith for me.
Foxxy: I wasn’t talking about Ling-Ling. (Clara is momentarily taken aback, but says nothing. Foxxy gets up.) Just think about it, Clara. You’re a good person- you’ll make the right decision. (She pats Clara’s hand, then leaves.)
Clara: But what is the right decision?
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Clara sitting alone watching TV.
TV: And how much would you expect to pay for this beautiful (under his breath, you can hear the announcer quickly say “ceramic” before restoring his voice to full volume again) ming vase?
Clara: About five bucks.
TV: Well, believe it or not, it can be yours for the low low cost of just $29.95!
Clara: I hope you’re giving that price in pesos!
The doorbell rings.
Clara: I’ll get it! (She stands up and looks around) Said Clara to apparently, no one. (She walks over to the door and opens it. There stands Edward Goldberg.) You again! What do you want this time?
Goldberg: Clara, I’ve come to mend fences. (Clara looks outside.)
Clara: (angrily) Why? What have you done to our fence?
Goldberg: No, I meant that metaphorically. I mean, I want to bury the hatchet.
Clara: I see. You want to hide the murder weapon.
Goldberg: (annoyed) Do you have kishka for brains? I want to make peace with you.
Clara: Make peace with me? Oh, I see. Because of our religious differences.
Goldberg: That’s right, because you’re a Christian and I’m a Jew.
Clara: I thought you meant because I was right and you were wrong. (The man scowls. Clara begins to laugh.) I’m just kidding. I think you’re right. I think it is time we reconcile. I admit, I feel bad for all the times I’ve criticized and mocked your people. Believe me, I’m really trying to change. Is there anything I can do to show you how truly sorry I am?
Goldberg: Yes. Join me in the prayer of repentance and you shall be absolved.
Clara: Sounds fair.
The two kneel to the floor. Clara bows her head and closes her eyes. The man cranes his head to sneak a quick look at Clara’s bosom and grins. Then he says some nonsensical, vaguely Hebrew-sounding words and puts his hand on her shoulder.
Goldberg: Open your eyes, my child. (She does.) Your sins have been forgiven.
Clara: Wow, I actually do feel different. What did those words mean?
Goldberg: Those words? Oh, they were just an incantation for the conversion ceremony. (Clara suddenly becomes concerned.)
Clara: Conversion? (She realizes.) You mean…?
Goldberg: That’s right. Princess Clara, you are now a fully ordained Jew!
She gasps and grabs her chest.
Clara: No! It can’t be!
Goldberg: (laughing sadistically) Oh, but it is! You see now how it feels to be an oppressed minority? (He continues laughing as he walks out the door. Clara hits her knees again.)
Clara: Heavenly Father, please forgive me! I didn’t mean to do it! Please don’t strike me down in anger!
A lightning bolt descends from the sky and hits Clara, knocking her across the room. As the camera cuts to a shot of Clara sprawled out on the floor, the scene suddenly changes. Instead of her regular clothes, she is wearing her nightgown, and instead of being on the floor in the living room, she is still in bed. She breathes a sigh of relief.
Clara: Wow, what a crazy dream! If I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone was trying to tell me something.
Clara suddenly looks over the door. The door is opening, seemingly by itself. A small rattling sound can be heard below. Clara pulls the covers up to her face.
Clara: Oh, no! A ghost! Oh, please don’t hurt me, Mr. Ghost!
As the rattling sound passes around the foot of her bed, a tray comes into view. Clara stops cowering and begins eyeing the tray.
Clara: You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that was…
The tray stops right in front of her. Onto the bed hops Ling-Ling.
Clara: Why, Ling-Ling! You brought me breakfast in bed! Wasn’t that sweet of you?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want only the best for his beautiful bride. (Clara begins looking at what he brought her, becoming somewhat confused as she surveys each item.) Unfortunately, Ling-Ling not have much time to prepare, so today Carla have to be content with second best.
Clara: Why, I think it’s wonderful, Ling-Ling. You did a great job. Even if I don’t know what kind of strange meat this is. (She holds up something that looks like a pork chop, but is colored black and white.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling make that especially for you.
Ling-Ling has a flashback. He is sitting on the couch watching TV when Toot walks up to him.
Toot: Get out of my spot, Ling-Ling or I’ll toss you like a bottle of fat free soy milk!
Ling-Ling: Try it, land whale, and Ling-Ling carve you up and serve you for breakfast!
Toot picks up Ling-Ling and hurls him across the room. He bounces off the wall and glares at her. The last thing we see is an angry Ling-Ling hurling himself toward Toot.
Cut back to Clara eating the pork chop. Ling-Ling smiles.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene shifts to downstairs, where the group minus Clara and Ling-Ling are enjoying breakfast. Toot takes a frying pan off the stove and holds it out to Spanky.
Toot: More bacon, Spanky? (Spanky scowls.)
Spanky: That’s not funny, Toot.
Toot: What?
Spanky: Offering me pork!
Toot: Oh, because you’re-
Spanky: That’s right! Because I’m Muslim! You know it’s forbidden to me!
Toot: Sorry, Spanky, I forgot.
Xandir: Guys, please, let’s not fight.
Spanky: What’s the matter, Xandir, you afraid of confrontation? Are you too sensitive to handle it?
Xandir: No, it’s just that I was at this really wild party last night and I’m kind of hung over. That Zima really knocks me on my ass!
Foxxy: Speaking of being knocked on one’s ass, does anyone know if the lovebirds will be joining us this morning?
Hero: What are you talking about? We’re already here! (Xandir glares at Hero angrily and puts his index finger against his lip in a shushing motion. Hero clams up.)
Foxxy: No, I meant Clara and Ling-Ling!
Xandir: I doubt it. Last time I checked, they were in her room together with the door closed.
Wooldoor: That’s because they’re in love! Isn’t that sweet?
Toot: Oh, please. Just because Clara and Ling-Ling are married now, they think the whole world revolves around them! Apparently they seem to have forgotten it’s supposed to be revolving around me!
Foxxy: You know if I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone around here was a little jealous.
Toot: I’m not jealous! I don’t have anything to be jealous of! Clara and Ling-Ling are fooling themselves if they think what they’ve found is real love.
Foxxy: No offense, Toot, but what would you know about real love? Real love is when two people discover something in each other that makes them feel more complete, like Clara has done with Ling-Ling. It isn’t stalking someone for two years and then guilt-tripping them into having sex with you!
Toot: Oh sure, make this about me all of a sudden!
Spanky: I have to admit, though, Toot may have a point. It is kind of hard to believe that those two are really in love. After all, why would a beautiful princess choose a weird orange cat thing over all the great-looking guys out there?
Xandir: You mean, why would she choose Ling-Ling over you.
Spanky: Exactly! I mean, no! I mean- oh, never mind.
Hero: I agree with Spanky. Their love can’t be real. Quite frankly, they’re just too strange a pairing.
The scene cuts to Hero in a bar. We see him talking to someone, but the other person is out of view.
Hero: I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone else, but I really have special feelings for you. Will you marry me?
Voice: I can’t.
Hero: Why not?
The scene cuts to the other person to reveal Hero is talking to Blossom of the Powerpuff Girls.
Blossom: Because I’m seven!
Hero: Oh, well, what can do you do. Say, could you give me your sister’s number? The spacy blonde one?
Cut back to the Drawn Together house.
Foxxy: I don’t know what all yall’s problem is. It should be obvious that those two really love each other. You saw how happy Ling-Ling was when Clara agreed to marry him. And Clara loved him so much, she even stood up to her father for the first time in her life!
Spanky: Well, I say there’s only one way to know if a couple is truly in love. And that’s to see them doing it!
Hero: Spanky, I would be so totally disgusted right now- if I didn’t kind of want to see it for myself.
Wooldoor: So you guys are going to try to catch Clara and Ling-Ling in the act? That seems kind of wrong.
Spanky: You can have my bacon if you’ll keep quiet about it.
Wooldoor: Okay! (takes the bacon) Wheeeeeeeeeee! I love keeping secrets! Do you want me to go ask Clara and Ling-Ling to have sex so you guys can watch? (Hero and Spanky roll their eyes.)
Hero: Now there’s no need to be crass! I’ll just use my X-ray vision to spy on them! (Foxxy smacks Hero.)
Foxxy: I am not going to let you give Clara a brain tumor! (thinks) Although it might be fun to see what Clara would be like as a politically incorrect stereotype.
Cut to a rundown cabin the mountains. Toot sits outside the cabin in a rocking chair. She is wearing overalls and a beard, and is passed out in her chair with a bottle marked “XXX” in her hand. Ling-Ling is shown chained to a fence post, sleeping like a hound. Clara stands in front of the cabin. She is wearing a low-cut tied off plaid shirt, Daisy Duke shorts, and bare feet. Xandir and Hero come out of the cabin dressed like typical mountain men. Clara throws herself against Xandir.
Clara: Hey, cousin Xandir. You feel like making out?
Xandir: Damn it, Clara are you drunk again?
Clara: I don’t drink, cousin Xandir. When I’m drunk I lose all my inhibitions!
Xandir is uninterested. Clara turns to Hero.
Clara: Well, what about you, cousin Hero? Feel like a smoochin’ session?
Hero: I’d love to if I only knew what that was!
Clara: Well, fine then! If you guys wanna be babies about it, I’m going to go make out with the new friend I found! (She goes over to the barn and pulls out Foxxy, who is in minstrel form again.)
Foxxy: God damn it.
The scene shifts back to the Drawn Together house. Hero and Spanky are brainstorming ideas for catching Clara and Ling-Ling. Toot sits watching them and fuming.
Toot: (in confessional) Everyone thought it was so great about Clara and Ling-Ling, but I knew those two weren’t really in love. This whole marriage thing was a desperate cry for attention. Not that Clara needed any more attention! She already thought the whole world revolved around her anyway! But she always struck me as a really desperate and paranoid person who would do anything for attention. I think someone’s got some issues!
Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling in bed finishing breakfast.
Clara: Oh, that was wonderful, Ling-Ling! You really are a great cook.
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Everyone said Ling-Ling crazy to stalk Martha Stewart. But Ling-Ling show them!
Clara: I guess this blissful morning couldn’t last forever, though. I guess it’s time to get dressed to go downstairs.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling need to wash up too. But he out of favorite beauty product. Unless Carla have some he can use.
Clara: What is it you need, Ling-Ling? More shampoo? (Ling-Ling nods.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling need P… Ple… Plerr.
Clara: Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that kind. I have some Prell, though, would that work? (He jumps up excitedly.) It’s in the bathroom. You can just wash up in there if you’d like. (Ling-Ling dashes off. Clara gets out of bed and starts to walk over to her closet, but then pauses a moment.) Hmm... I wonder. (She sees a drawer near the floor marked “Ling-Ling personal effects for stay with Carla”) Oh, that’s so adorable! Grammatically atrocious, but adorable! (She glances in the direction of the bathroom.) Ling-Ling?
There is no answer. She hears the water running. She glances around for a moment and opens the drawer, then begins pulling out the items one by one and surveying them. First she pulls out a Puffy Amiyumi CD.
Clara: I’ve never heard of these people. Maybe they’re his old girlfriends. (Next she pulls out a pair of purple satin underwear.) That’s strange. These look like… mine! They must have gotten mixed up with Ling-Ling’s things by mistake. (She smells them) They’re not washed! I have got to remember to do laundry soon! (Next she pulls out a long, black, extremely kinky looking item. A look of extreme confusion crosses her face.) What on earth is this thing? (She begins fingering a dangling cord at the end of it then whirls it around.) Oh, it must be some kind of martial arts weapon. So what else do we have in here?
Clara: (in confessional) I guess it was like Pandora opening her box. I knew I shouldn’t have been snooping around Ling-Ling’s things, but I only wanted to try to learn more about his personality. My father always said the way to form a deep lasting relationship with somebody is to learn everything you can about them by going through their things. He told me that one day when he was at breakfast with his sixth wife.
Clara looks back into the drawer, but suddenly her look changes to one first of confusion, then of near-horror.
Clara: Oh my God! (almost panicking) What is this? What on earth is Ling-Ling doing with this?
Cut to Clara in another part of the house talking to Foxxy.
Clara: I just can’t believe it, Foxxy. I really thought I knew Ling-Ling! But now I realize this marriage may have been a horrible mistake!
Foxxy: Now, Clara, I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad!
Clara: Foxxy, when I decided to become Ling-Ling’s partner, I thought it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Even though Ling-Ling was nothing like what I had imagined my future husband to be, I accepted that. I accepted that he’s a different race from me. I accepted that our children might turn out to be horribly disfigured mutants of some sort. But I don’t know if I can accept… this. (She hands Foxxy a book. Foxxy looks at the front and is shocked.)
Foxxy: Oh my God! Clara, I am so sorry!
Clara: Now you understand why I reacted the way I did.
Foxxy: So our sweet little Ling-Ling- the man you’ve pledged your heart and soul to- is actually-
Clara: That’s right, Foxxy.
The camera cuts to a closeup of the book cover. The book is Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.
Clara: A Scientologist!
Cowering, Clara collapses into Foxxy’s arms.
Foxxy: There, there, Clara, it’ll be all right.
There is a knock at the door. Hero pokes his head in.
Hero: Excuse me. Am I interrupting anything?
Clara: Yes, you are.
Hero: Sorry. (To Clara’s annoyance, he enters anyway.) Look, Clara, I need some advice on a love-related matter.
Foxxy: Well, if it’s love advice you need, Foxxy’s the one to- (he shushes her)
Hero: Clara, as someone who’s very recently found love, I think you’d be in the best position to advise me.
Clara: (annoyed, but trying to be diplomatic) Yes, what is it, Captain Hero?
Hero: I’m having some trouble, you know… pleasing my girlfriend?
Foxxy: (derisively) Girlfriend?
Hero: Yes, girlfriend! Don’t you remember last spring how I proved conclusively I wasn’t gay? So anyway, it’s kind of difficult for me to have relations with this- girlfriend- of mine because she’s- well, she’s a lot shorter than I am.
Clara: Damn it, Hero, I told you to stay away from Bubbles!
Hero: No, it’s not Bubbles. It’s… (thinks) Well, it doesn’t matter who it is! The point is that I’m not sure how to approach lovemaking with her because of our height differential.
Foxxy: Now, Captain Hero, what you’ve got to do is-
Hero: Quiet, Foxxy! I’m asking Clara.
Clara: Captain Hero, I’m hardly an expert on lovemaking. I really haven’t even had-
Hero: Never mind that! Just show me how you would approach relations with someone who’s a different size from you. For instance, why don’t you demonstrate on your husband Ling-Ling? You two can have sex, and I’ll sit and watch!
Clara: (becoming angry) Get out of here, you pervert!
Hero: I’ll pay you fifty bucks!
Foxxy: Well, Captain Hero, for fifty bucks, I’d be glad to-
Hero: All right, fine then, I’ll leave! (runs out in a huff and slams the door. Foxxy and Clara roll their eyes at each other, then resume their conversation)
Clara: I just don’t know what I’m going to do, Foxxy. I guess I always just assumed that when I found my true love, he’d be a Christian like myself. But maybe what I have with Ling-Ling isn’t true love.
Foxxy: Clara, you can’t let something like this change your feelings for Ling-Ling. What you really need to do is talk to Ling-Ling about this. If you really love each other, you’ll find a way to work this out. Even if it means converting.
Clara: I couldn’t ask Ling-Ling to change his faith for me.
Foxxy: I wasn’t talking about Ling-Ling. (Clara is momentarily taken aback, but says nothing. Foxxy gets up.) Just think about it, Clara. You’re a good person- you’ll make the right decision. (She pats Clara’s hand, then leaves.)
Clara: But what is the right decision?
(to be continued...)