DTBL episode 3: Love Is a Battlefield

[Raymond-Raymond]

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. It is nighttime. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Clara in bed with Ling-Ling. She is cuddling him like a teddy bear. The moment is obviously a blissful one.

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, I know we’ve only been married for three weeks now, but already my old life seems like it was ages ago.

Ling-Ling: Same here. Only it feel a lot longer with Ling-Ling since three week human time is like seven years Ling-Ling time.

Clara: I’m serious, Ling-Ling. Just lying here with you, I almost can’t even remember all those nights I spent sleeping here by myself. How about you, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling has a flashback. A montage plays featuring clips from many of his previous love battles, each one ending in a scene of Ling-Ling in bed with his one-night stand.

Ling-Ling: Yeah, single life sucks. Much happier here with Carla.

Clara: And even though we haven’t even really done anything with each other yet… I think I could be perfectly satisfied just lying here beside you at night. We don’t even need to have relations with each other! (She strokes his fur, not noticing Ling-Ling’s brow has become wrinkled slightly.)

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) What the deal? Ling-Ling still have needs! He not try to break open princess fortune cookie yet because he just being gentleman! Stupid princess always get wrong idea. (sighs) Ah, well. Ling-Ling tell Carla tomorrow. He not want to interrupt blissful moment.

Cut back to Clara and Ling-Ling in bed cuddling. Just as they are about to drift off to sleep, they are rudely awoken by Foxxy’s voice screeching from the next bed over.

Foxxy: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Give it to Foxxy! Give it to Foxxy now! Oh, yeah, you know how Foxxy likes it!

Clara: (groaning) Would the both of you please keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep over here! (She turns on a lamp and looks in Foxxy’s direction. We see that Foxxy is alone.)

Foxxy: Both of who?

Clara: (grossed out) Never mind.

Foxxy: (suddenly realizing) Oh, I’m sorry, Clara, did I disturb you and Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: No, Ling-Ling enjoy waking up to woman screaming. Remind him of week he spent as sorority mascot.

Foxxy: It’s all right, I understand, I’ll just take my business elsewhere. (She gets out of bed, then reaches under the covers to pull out a gigantic sack. Some very kinky-looking devices can be seen sticking out the top.) I’ll go to Captain Hero’s room. He said I can practice in there anytime I want. You know- practice makes perfect! (She leaves.)

Clara: You’d think with all the practice she’s had, she’d be perfect by now! (She turns back to Ling-Ling.) Now then, Ling-Ling. Let’s go back to sleep.

She turns off the lamp and they drift off again, only to be awoken once again, this time by a loud munching sound. As Clara grits her teeth, they try to ignore it, but finally she cannot take it any longer. She bolts up and turns on the lamp again.

Clara: Toot, do you mind?

We see Toot sitting in bed reading Cosmopolitan with a flashlight perched on her shoulder. Next to her in the bed is a giant bucket labeled “Midnight Munchins” An extremely diverse array of food products can be seen poking out of the top of the bucket, including several pieces of chicken, several cuts of beef, a variety of crackers and potato chips, and even the frontquarters of a goat.

Toot: I just made myself a little snack to help me relax. You know, before I go to bed at night. You don’t want me to be all irritable, do you?

Clara gets out of bed. She picks up Ling-Ling and carries him outside the door, then sets him down on the floor.

Clara: How about we sleep in your room tonight for a change?

Ling-Ling: You know Ling-Ling’s bed not big enough for both of us.

Clara: That’s okay, Ling-Ling. I’ll sleep on the floor and use your cushion for a pillow.

Ling-Ling: Then what Ling-Ling sleep on? (Clara picks him up and holds him up against her body. He grins.) Ling-Ling going to like his new bed!

They enter Ling-Ling’s room. Clara casts a cautious glance in Wooldoor’s direction. After ascertaining that Wooldoor is sleeping soundly, they walk over to Ling-Ling’s space and sit down on the floor. Clara fluffs Ling-Ling’s basket, then lies down and puts her head on it. Ling-Ling nestles himself in Clara’s arms. Just as the two are about to drift off again, they are awoken yet again.

Wooldoor: (screaming) Aaaghh! No! Mommy and Daddy, no! Help, the Sweetcakes are after me! They’re trying to cook me again! And I haven’t been properly washed and sterilized! I might have food poisoning! Help! Someone save me!

Clara puts her face in her hands and sighs in exasperation. She walks over to Wooldoor.

Clara: Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: (waking up. He is completely his happy self.) Oh, hello, Clara!

Clara: Wooldoor, were you having another nightmare?

Wooldoor: I don’t know! I can never remember my dreams!

Clara: Oh, okay, well, you go back to bed, then, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Thanks! Will do! (He goes back to sleep. As Clara and Ling-Ling walk back into the hall, he immediately begins screaming again.) Aaaagh! No! No! Mommy, Daddy, make it stop! No! Make grandma put her clothes back on!

Clara: Ling-Ling, I have an idea how we can have a peaceful night for ourselves.

Cut to the swimming pool. Clara has changed into her swimsuit and is lying on an inflatable raft in the middle of the pool with Ling-Ling on the raft at her side.

Clara: Now this truly is romantic, isn’t it, Ling-Ling? I can’t think of a more magical way to spend a night with you than floating on the water together, gazing up at the stars as we drift happily into dreamland.

Ling-Ling: (pointing to sky) That one Big Dipper!

Clara: (laughing) That’s not the Big Dipper, Ling-Ling! That’s Ursa Major!

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling always able to impress ladies by acting like he showing them constellations. Hmmph. Just Ling-Ling’s luck to find girl who’s astronomy expert!

Clara: But whatever constellation it is, Ling-Ling, it’s beautiful. Just like my time here with you.

They cuddle again and drift off to sleep together. The scene cuts to a close-up shot of their faces. Suddenly, Clara is hit with a huge splash of water. She shakes the water out of her face and rises up.

Clara: What the-

We see Spanky Ham in the water next to the pair. At the diving board is Captain Hero.

Spanky: Woohoo! How was that one?

Hero: Great, Spanky! You really got those two strangers wet! Now it’s my turn! (He jumps up and down on the board several times, preparing to dive.

Clara: (angrily) Spanky, what in God’s name are you doing? Did you not see us here?

Spanky: Oh, sorry, Clara. Hero and I saw the pool area was empty, so we thought we’d have a little pool party!

Clara: It’s not empty, Spanky! The pool is in use right now.

Spanky: What are you talking about? What kind of person comes to the pool just to lie on a raft? No, sir! Pools are for swimming, and diving, and general cavorting! And given the right mix of participants, they’re for naughty fun time too!

Clara: Well, tonight they’re NOT for naughty fun time! They’re for me and my husband to enjoy ourselves!

Spanky: And that’s not naughty fun time? What are you, Mormons?

Cut to Hero coming off the diving board.

Hero: Cannonball! (Clara is drenched with an even bigger splash of water than before.)

Clara: (growing angry, but trying to show restraint) Look, Spanky, Ling-Ling and I just want to get some sleep, and we thought it would be nice to spend the night this way. Please, Spanky. If you’ve got the slightest sense of romance inside you, you’ll understand.

Spanky: Hey, Spanky Ham is nothing if not romantic! (He motions to Hero) Come on, Hero, let’s leave these two lovebirds alone and go look at some porn! (He gets out of the pool and leaves. Hero follows him back into the house. Clara turns to Ling-Ling once again.)

Clara: Well, Ling-Ling, it took some effort, but it looks like we’re finally going to be able to get some peace. And best of all, it’ll be just the two of us!

With big smiles on their faces, they finally drift off to sleep. As the two are seen sleeping peacefully, suddenly a snorkel can be seen floating past their heads. Xandir pops out of the water and looks at them, then submerges again.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene opens on the living room where the housemates minus Clara and Ling-Ling are preparing for an activity.

Spanky: (in confessional) Clara and Ling-Ling’s relationship had gotten everyone in that loving mood. So we thought we’d all try to get in on the fun by having a special activity. We decided to play… “post office”.

Hero, Spanky, Wooldoor, Xandir, and Toot sit at the end of the room while Foxxy stands at the other end behind a makeshift stand with a sign on it reading “Post Office”.

Foxxy: I now declare this post office open for business! Mistress Foxxy- I mean, POST-Mistress Foxxy- is in the house!

All are eager, Hero and Spanky especially, as they sit rubbing their hands together with lascivious grins on their faces.

Spanky: I can’t wait for MY order to come in. Hehehe!

Foxxy: I’ve got a special package right here! Let me see, who is it for? Why, it’s for Captain Hero!

Hero: (to Spanky) In your face, pig! (He eagerly runs up to Foxxy’s stand. He grins at her. I’m here to pick up my… package.

Foxxy: (smiling) All right, Captain Hero. (shaking her bottom) I’ll just get that for you! (Erotically, she reaches down toward her crotch. Briefly her hand sinks below the level of the stand. She quickly pulls her hand back up. It is now holding a large heavily stamped box.) This is yours, I believe!

Captain Hero: (gleefully clapping his hands) Yay! I’ve waiting all week for this! (He opens the box) My double size limited edition collectible She-Ra action figure!

Spanky: Doll!

Captain Hero: (turning quickly toward Spanky) Action figure!

Spanky: Whatever.

Toot: Crap! I was hoping it was my cookbook that had come in. I’m working on a recipe for deep fried sushi.

Foxxy: Let me see if I have any more packages here.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeee! I hope it’s me next.

Clara and Ling-Ling emerge at the bottom of the stairs.

Clara: Um, guys?

Foxxy: What is it, Clara? You need to buy some stamps?

Clara: No, Foxxy. Ling-Ling and I have an announcement to make.

Spanky: Later! We’re in the middle of a game!

Clara: Please, you guys, let me speak!

Toot: Didn’t you hear Spanky? We’re in the middle of something! So shut your piehole!

Clara: This is really important.

Xandir: I bet it’s me next. I ordered a He-Man doll!

Hero: Action figure!

As Hero, Xandir, and Spanky continue to debate doll vs. action figure, Ling-Ling can be seen growing visibly upset. Finally, he can take no more. His eyes begin to give off a fiery glow. He ascends into the air screaming.

Ling-Ling: ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS! YOU LET LING-LING’S WOMAN SPEAK OR HE KILL YOU ALL! (Everyone is silent. Ling-Ling touches back to earth.) Go ahead, Carla.

Clara: Foxxy, Toot, Wooldoor. Everybody. Ling-Ling and I… have decided to move in together. (The group is stunned.)

Spanky (in disbelief) That’s it? THAT’S your big announcement? For God’s sake- you already live together!

Clara: I know that, Spanky. What I meant was, we’re going to move into our own room. I’m sorry, Foxxy. It looks like I’m moving out.

Foxxy: (tearfully hugging her) Oh, Clara. I’m going to miss you so much! (Toot is annoyed. Clara walks over to her.)

Toot: (sarcastically) Oh, no, whatever will we do without the wonderful Princess Clara gracing our lives every day with her presence? How will we go on?

Clara: Toot, look, I know you and I haven’t always gotten along. And I’ve always regretted that our relationship hasn’t been better. But I’m really going to miss you.

Toot: (in confessional) This isn’t fair! How the hell am I supposed to hate Clara when she doesn’t hate me too? I swear, sometimes I just want to smack that bitch!

Cut to Ling-Ling and Wooldoor. Wooldoor is crying.

Wooldoor: Oh, Ling-Ling, I’m going to hate not living with you anymore! But at least you get to live with someone you really care about. What about me? Who am I going to live with now? I don’t have anyone close to me like you do. (breaks down in tears)

Clara: Actually, Wooldoor, we thought you could move in with Hero and Xandir.

Wooldoor: Really? That’ll be fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Clara: We’re going to try to move all my stuff into Ling-Ling’s room this afternoon. (She looks at Foxxy and Toot) After that, I guess you two will be on your own.

Foxxy: (in confessional) I was gonna miss Clara. But I couldn’t deny it would be nice to have a little more room. All three of us girls living in that one room together was pretty crowded.

Cut to the girls’ bedroom. Clara’s bed and all her belongings are now gone.

Foxxy: Girl, would you just look at all this space we have now? I haven’t had this much room since I was living out of my van!

Toot: I propose we do something constructive with it! Like put in an open bar with a standing buffet!

Foxxy: Oh, Toot, be reasonable. We should put in some strobe lights and one of those glitter balls. We could get a bigger stereo too and make this into Club Foxxy!

Toot: The only club I’m interested in seeing in here is a club sandwich!

Foxxy: Well, let’s not get carried away. After all, we’ll have plenty of time later to do what we want with the room. Right now, let’s just enjoy the extra room we have without Princess Clara in our way.

Toot: Yeah. Without all that space all her stuff took up.

Foxxy: For real! Though come to think of it, for a princess, she really didn’t have that much stuff.

Toot: I guess.

Foxxy: Hey! But now we won’t have to worry about her beauty products getting mixed up with ours, though.

Toot: Right! Although that was never really an issue. She always kept her stuff pretty well separated from ours anyway. (They both look down.) I know! How about her always sticking her nose into our business!

Foxxy: No, Clara pretty much kept to herself. If anything we were the ones sticking our noses into her business.

Toot: Yeah, between all your midnight visitors and that inflatable sex doll you keep around, no wonder she moved out!

Foxxy: (growing indignant) Well, between you getting crumbs all over everything and shrieking like a banshee every time something doesn’t go your way, I’d say it’s all your fault! And that doll is a flotation device in case the room ever gets flooded!

Toot: You think this is my fault? You’re the one driving her crazy with those two-hour long orgasms you have every night!

Foxxy: Well, at least I have them! (Toot is taken aback)

Toot: (assuming a fight stance) Oh, yeah, well, you know what I get off on? Eating my roommates!

Foxxy: So that’s what happened to your old roommate Beatrice! I knew she didn’t run off and join the circus!

Toot: I ought to give you her phone number. The circus is looking for some more freaks! Come on, everyone, and see the Amazing Woman Who Can’t Keep Her Legs Together!

Foxxy: Like anyone at that circus would listen to anything the elephants have to say!

Toot: That’s it! (She grabs a can of spray cheese) This is war! (They begin to fight)

Foxxy: (in confessional) I never even realized it, but Clara was the perfect roommate. I was excited there’d be more space since it was just two of us, but I never stopped to consider that the other person would be Toot! Why couldn’t Toot have been the one to move out instead of Clara? Now I’m not saying Toot’s hard to live with, but… actually, that is what I’m saying. Toot is hard to live with!

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling’s room.

Clara: I still can’t believe it, Ling-Ling! We finally have our own room! Just the two of us! We can do whatever we like together now!

Ling-Ling grins and turns to Clara. He gives her a seductive glance.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have great idea what to do first!

Clara: Oh? What is it, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: (making sexy eyes) Rrrrrowr!

Clara: Now, Ling-Ling, does that mean what I think it means? (he begins stroking her hand seductively and kissing it) It does! Why you little pint-sized Lothario!

Ling-Ling: So how about it, babe? Ling-Ling been waiting three weeks!

Clara: Well, we are married now. I suppose it would be okay.

Ling-Ling: “You suppose it would be okay?” Please, no need for filth. Usually Ling-Ling have to pay $5.95 a minute to hear talk like that.

Clara: It’s okay, Ling-Ling, I don’t blame you. I guess I just hadn’t thought about it before.

Ling-Ling: So what do you say, Carla?

Clara: I say let’s go for it!

Ling-Ling raises his arms in exultation. Clara smiles and looks at him. Ling-Ling starts to move toward her, then stops. Clara leans in to pick him up, but then suddenly pulls back. They both have very confused looks on their faces.

Clara: Um… so what do we do exactly?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hoping you knew.

Clara: Well, let me see. When Foxxy gave us that lesson, she mentioned that the man gives the woman a special hug. Maybe we should start there. (She picks him up. He throws his arms around her neck but can get no further.)

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think this not working.

Clara: Yeah, it kind of feels like I’m being strangled by a Tribble. (she puts him down. They both think for a minute.) Maybe we’re just overthinking this. Why don’t you… romance me like you would one of your monster friends?

Ling-Ling: (staring at her in confusion) You sure?

Clara: Absolutely. If it works for them, why shouldn’t it work for me?

Ling-Ling: (sighs) If you say so…

Ling-Ling rises up and goes into battle mode. He begins shooting energy balls at her. Clara immediately becomes terrified.

Clara: Oh my God! Ling-Ling, what are you doing?

As Clara cowers, Ling-Ling attacks her. She falls back on the bed unable to put up any kind of fight in return. When Ling-Ling sees he is hurting her, he stops.

Ling-Ling: Yoko Ono! Ling-Ling so sorry, Carla!

Clara: (dazed, but barely conscious) It’s okay, Ling-Ling. I told you to do it.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling should have realized battle monster love method not work on human princess.

Clara: It’s okay, Ling-Ling, really. We’ll try again later. (starts to get up, but realizes she is in too much pain) Just give me a little while to recuperate. (Ling-Ling, saddened, goes to her side and tries to comfort her.)

Cut to Wooldoor living with Hero and Xandir.

Xandir: Oh my God, Wooldoor, I can’t tell you how much fun this is going to be, the three of us living together!

Hero: I don’t think the two of you have stopped to consider the problems we might incur! After all, there will be three of us now, trying to keep all of our stuff out of each other’s way and trying not to trip over each other! Do you think you can handle that, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Um… yeah.

Hero: Allrighty then! This is going to be fun!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Let’s play a game! How about Twister!

Xandir: Ooh, goody! I’ll get the set!

Wooldoor: No need. I have it already! (pulls game out of his rear and spreads it on the floor. He immediately sprouts dozens of extra limbs and places each one on one of the circles.) Now then, who’ll start?

Cut to the girls’ bedroom. There is a white line drawn down the center of the room.

Toot: Oh, now THIS is original! I think I saw this done on an episode of… what show was it? Oh, yeah- every show ever made!

Foxxy: Make fun of my line all you like. Just stay on your own side!

Toot: I’ll try, Foxxy. (Toot sticks her toes just barely over the line.) Oopsy! I’m over the line!

Foxxy: You’re over the line, all right!

Toot: (sticks her foot over the line again) Oops, I did it again! (Foxxy is not pleased.)

Foxxy: Damn it, Toot, you put your foot over that line one more time and you’ll be pulling back a bloody stump!

Toot lines her toes up on the line, then leans the rest of her body way over.

Toot: Ha ha! My foot’s not over the line now! Foxxy Love, tear down this wall! Hee hee hee! (As Foxxy scowls, Toot begins to lose her balance.) Uh oh. (She falls over on Foxxy’s side. She looks up and sees Foxxy about to attack her.) Oh boy.

Foxxy: Now it’s on! (They begin fighting again. As they fight, they continue talking.) Just what is your problem, Toot?

Toot: My problem? You’re the one suddenly getting all territorial!

Foxxy: I have to protect my turf so you don’t take it over!

Toot: Yeah, well, so do I! I’m not going to let you take away what’s mine!

Foxxy: Be serious, Toot! If I was really that interested in taking over that pathetic little space of yours, don’t you think I’d have done it before now?

Toot: You’ve always wanted to rule me, but you were afraid!

Foxxy: Afraid of what? Being eaten?

Toot: Okay, that’s two cannibal jokes you’ve made about me. That’s about one too many! (they continue to fight)

Foxxy: (in confessional) Ever since Clara moved out, Toot and I have done nothing but fight. But you know, Toot and I always had our problems, but somehow they never seemed to bother us before. We never realized it, but the princess was kind of a buffer between us. Having Clara around really dissolved a lot of the tension between me and Toot.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Toot: (in confessional) So finally, Foxxy and I decided that we needed to move in another roommate to keep us from fighting so much. Unfortunately, there wasn’t another woman in the house. So we got the next best thing.

Cut to Xandir in the girls’ bedroom.

Xandir: Oh my God, you guys, this is going to be such fun! I can’t believe you guys want me to live with you!

Foxxy: The pleasure’s all ours, Xandir. (Xandir remains excited until he sees Toot batting her eyelashes at him, then grows slightly worried.)

Xandir: Why are you looking at me like that, Toot? (Toot suddenly begins laughing.)

Toot: You were right, Foxxy! That was fun! Isn’t this great? We’ve got a roommate we can mess with!

Cut to Hero and Wooldoor in their room after Xandir has moved out. Wooldoor is crying.

Wooldoor: I can’t believe he left us! After all those wonderful times we had living together!

Hero: Actually, Wooldoor, he was only your roommate for about ten minutes.

Wooldoor: But it was the best ten minutes I’ve spent in this house. Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

Hero: There, there, Wooldoor. I understand. In fact, I’m even more upset than you are. Xandir was truly a dear friend to me. And maybe more. (suddenly becomes stern) And I mean that in the most non-gay way possible!

Wooldoor: You know what, Captain Hero? I don’t know how we could ever manage living in a room with just two people anyway. It’s too lonely! I already miss everybody tripping over each other and never having any privacy!

Hero: You’re right, Wooldoor. We need to bring someone else in to fill the void Xandir has left.

Wooldoor: (cheering up) Yeah! You’re right, Captain Hero! We could take applications, look at resumes, conduct interviews... or we could just take the first person available we find.

Hero: Let’s not get hasty, Wooldoor. This is a big decision. We really need to take our time and make sure we wait until we’ve found someone truly suitable.

Cut to Spanky being inducted as the new roommate.

Spanky: Thank you guys so much for making me your new roommate! Now you promise me you seriously want me here?

Hero: Absolutely, Spanky! By no means did Wooldoor and I look at about four applications, get bored and start playing video games before finally saying, “Let’s just give Spanky the room.” We really believe you’re the perfect roommate!

Spanky: Sweeeeeeeeeet! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go mark my territory! (He walks into the room and immediately begins urinating everywhere.)

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling in their room together. As Ling-Ling sits by her side watching over her, Clara has finally come around.

Ling-Ling: You okay, Carla?

Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling, I’m fine now. Thanks for being here.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry for what happened. He not do that again.

Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. I’m sorry we haven’t been able to make this happen. Maybe we should have thought of that before we got married.

Ling-Ling: That not important! Ling-Ling want to be with Carla. That the important thing.

Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. But I really want you to be happy. I know how much this means to you. Please, Ling-Ling. Let’s try again.

Ling-Ling: Okay. But not like before. Ling-Ling’s style right out. We try princess style this time.

Clara: That sounds fair.

Ling-Ling: So what we do first?

Clara: Well, if I remember correctly… we start with the special hug.

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling hope he not give princess brain damage.

Clara: Why don’t we try it this way. This time, you lie down on the bed, and I’ll make the moves.

Ling-Ling: (makes sexy eyes again) Suddenly lady is the tramp! Ling-Ling like it!

He lies down on the bed. Clara stands up. She clasps her hands together and looks up, obviously thinking and trying to prep herself. She takes a deep breath.

Clara: All right, Ling-Ling! I’m going in!

Ling-Ling (in confessional) Ling-Ling think it safe for Carla to cross “porn star” off her list of career options.

As Ling-Ling lies face-up on the bed, Clara positions her body over his. The shot cuts to a close-up of Ling-Ling’s face waiting in anticipation. He continues waiting for another moment, but nothing happens. Through he tries to maintain his sexy facial expression, a tinge of confusion can be seen in his eyes. Finally, Ling-Ling becomes completely dumbfounded and breaks the mood.

Ling-Ling: What the holdup?

The shot cuts to Clara with her hand on the lower part of her back.

Clara: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Ling-Ling jumps up, alarmed.)

Ling-Ling: Carla! What wrong?

Clara: I was trying to get into the position to… you know… with you, and… ow! I think my back went out! Ow! Ow! (Ling-Ling sighs.)

Ling-Ling: Here, Ling-Ling help you. He tries to turn Clara around and lie her down on the bed, but finds his attempts only hurt her more.

Cut to Foxxy, Toot, and Xandir in the bedroom. Xandir is painting Toot’s nails as Foxxy reads a magazine. Suddenly they hear Ling-Ling’s voice calling out from the other room.

Ling-Ling: Help! Chocolate animal woman! Come quickly! Emergency!

Foxxy throws down her magazine and dashes into Ling-Ling’s room. She sees Clara obviously in pain.

Foxxy: Oh my God, Clara! (She rushes over and helps Clara out of her awkward position and into bed properly.)

Clara: Thank you, Foxxy. And thank you, Ling-Ling, for doing that.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling so sorry, Carla. He never forgive himself for hurting you.

Clara: Don’t talk like that, Ling-Ling. It was all my idea. I should have known what my body can handle and what it can’t.

Foxxy: (in confessional) Yeah, like Clara’s got experience having sex with midgets. Now Foxxy, on the other hand, got lots of experience in that area, seeing as how she used to date Tom Cruise.

Clara: Thank you guys so much. I’ll be all right. Just give me some time to rest.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get you something to drink. Be back in a minute. (He and Foxxy walk out of the room. Foxxy closes the door behind them and starts to go back to her own room, but Ling-Ling calls to her.) Foxxy… can Ling-Ling speak to you a minute?

Foxxy: Why sure, Ling-Ling! What’s your problem?

Ling-Ling: (pointing back to his room) That. Ling-Ling know what Carla say. She say it her own fault, but Ling-Ling know it really his. Princess only trying to please Ling-Ling.

Foxxy: Oh, so all this is because you two are having problems doing the horizontal shimmy?

Ling-Ling: Yes. Can you help Ling-Ling?

Foxxy: Help you?

Ling-Ling: You know more than anyone else in this house about love, right?

Foxxy: Well… that is my last name! Or is it my middle name? I forget which order they’re supposed to go in. But either way, it’s part of it.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not know what to do. He have lots of experience in lovemaking, but he always dream of day he find special partner and make love to nobody but her for rest of Ling-Ling’s life. But now that Ling-Ling find that partner, he can’t seem to make love without causing her pain.

Foxxy: Would you like me to try to show you some new things you can try? After all, if Foxxy can’t teach loving, nobody can!

Ling-Ling begins nodding, but then pauses. Suddenly a sad look crosses his eyes and he stops.

Ling-Ling: Maybe you’d better not. If it not work, and princess get hurt again… Ling-Ling no think he could live with himself.

Foxxy: I understand, Ling-Ling. So what are you going to do then?

Ling-Ling: (sighs) Just have to put needs aside, I guess. Carla’s happiness important thing.

Foxxy: So you’re just going to give up?

Ling-Ling: (nods) Ling-Ling can’t bring himself to risk hurting Carla again. Carla won’t miss lovemaking; Ling-Ling the only one who needs it. He just have to find way to live with his urges.

Foxxy: Well, you know, Ling-Ling… (he looks at her) If that’s all you’re worried about, we could take care of those urges. (She makes a scissor motion with her fingers. He looks at her in confusion.) You know… we could always have you neutered! (Ling-Ling looks shocked.) Then you and Clara can have a long and happy marriage without any hormones getting in the way. (Ling-Ling pauses to consider, but then, saddened, looks down.)

Ling-Ling: No… Ling-Ling not want to do that. Ling-Ling never want to lose that tinge of excitement he get whenever he sees her. And how happy it makes him to see the beautiful smile on her face. Ling-Ling never want to forget the special feeling Carla gives him inside- even if Ling-Ling can’t do anything about those feelings. (sighs again) Ling-Ling grateful Carla has given him her heart and soul. He not get greedy by asking for body too. Just being around her enough. (He turns and walks off down the stairs. Foxxy looks at him for a moment as he leaves.)

Foxxy: Now that is one puppy who loves his master.

Foxxy turns and walks back into her bedroom. As she opens the door, her eyes grow wide.

Foxxy: Now what the hell is going on in here?

We see that Xandir and Toot are both wearing nighties and hitting each other with pillows.

Toot: Hey, Foxxy! We’re having a slumber party! Xandir suggested it! Isn’t it fun?

Xandir: We’re playing Truth or Dare next, right? I get to go first!

Toot: All right, Xandir. Truth or Dare?

Xandir: Dare!

Toot: I *dare* you to kiss me square on the lips!

Xandir: (shrugs) Okay. (He puts his hands on her shoulders and kisses Toot on the mouth. He then pulls back as Toot looks at him with a sly smile.)

Toot: No… not *those* lips! Hee hee!

Xandir: (scoffing) Oh, Toot, you are such a minx!

Foxxy: If you ladies are done with your business-

Toot: Oh, by the way, Foxxy, thanks for letting Xandir borrow your nightie!

Foxxy: What are you talking about? I don’t have a nightie! You ever see me in a nightie?

Toot: Then where did he… (she looks at Xandir strangely) Okay, even for a gay guy, that’s weird.

Xandir: Oh, come on, you guys, this is a slumber party! Let’s have fun! Ooh, I want to curl each other’s hair next! (By now even Toot is beginning to lose enthusiasm.)

Toot: I don’t know. I think maybe we need to take a break.

Xandir: Okay, that sounds good. (sees the magazine Foxxy tossed aside earlier) Ooh, the new Cosmo! (As Toot and Foxxy look at each other, Xandir becomes completely engrossed in the magazine.)

Foxxy: Toot… I’m starting to wonder if maybe we made the wrong decision.

Toot: Yeah, I mean, Xandir’s nice and all, but he’s just too big a…(Xandir realizes they are talking about him and puts the magazine down.)

Xandir: I’m too big a what? A gay stereotype?

Foxxy: No... you’re more of a…

Toot: A woman! (She points at Xandir accusatively) You are a big fat woman!

Foxxy: No, that’d be you, Toot. But Xandir, you *are* a woman.

Xandir: What are you talking about? I’m not a woman, I’m a gay man!

Foxxy: Xandir, follow me on this. Gay men have orgies. You have slumber parties. Gay men beat each other with whips and chains. You and Toot beat each other with pillows. Gay men wear thongs or spandex to bed. You wear a pink satin nightie. For God’s sake, Xandir. You know how frilly and feminine Princess Clara is. Well, she’s a trucker compared to you!

Xandir: I can’t believe how mean you guys are! I swear, I think I’m going to cry!

Toot: Oh, brother! And people say I’M delusional!

Xandir: Trust me, you guys, I am such a man’s man! In fact, I wish I was still back with the guys right now! At least Hero and Wooldoor always give me emotional support.

Foxxy: (sighs) Well, Xandir, if you feel that way, maybe you should move back in with them.

Xandir: Are you sure about that? I thought you guys really needed me.

Foxxy: I think Hero and Wooldoor need you a lot more. And I know in your heart you’d rather be with them. So just go on back, Xandir. No hard feelings.

Xandir: Thanks, you guys. I really appreciate this. (Xandir runs into the hall and knocks on the guys’ door. Hero opens it.) Hey, guys, guess what, I’m moving back in!

Hero: I don’t believe you, Xandir. You left us! You think we’ll just toss Spanky aside and take you back like nothing ever happened? (He calls back into the room) Wooldoor?

The next thing we see is Wooldoor’s foot sending Spanky flying across the threshold screaming. Hero shakes Xandir’s hand.

Hero: Welcome back, buddy.

Cut to Foxxy and Toot in their bedroom.

Toot: Good idea you had, Foxxy, moving Xandir in! That reeeeeeeeeeeally helped things!

Foxxy: Oh, stuff it, cheeseball! You know, Xandir might have been a good roommate if you hadn’t been encouraging him like you were!

Toot: If you could just get that stick out of your ass and go along with us, we might have actually had fun!

Foxxy: How, by reverting back to childhood? Xandir might be a woman, but Toot, you were acting like an eight year old girl!

Toot: Well, next time, I’ll try to be more mature… grandma!

Foxxy: Oh oh oh oh… you have crossed the line again, Toot. I’m not putting up with your sass anymore!

Toot: Bring it on, bitch! (As the two begin fighting yet again, suddenly a loud angry voice calls from outside the door.)

Voice: All right, you guys, that’s enough!

The door swings gently open and Clara steps through. She is wearing her nightclothes and is clearly still in pain somewhat, but has a determined look in her eye.

Toot: What? What did we do?

Clara: You know damn well what you did, Toot! The two of you fighting like rabid pit bulls! Did it ever occur to you there might be other people in this house who want a little peace? (She turns to Foxxy.) I might have expected this kind of behavior from Toot (Toot is indignant), but you, Foxxy- I thought you were more mature than that! (Foxxy looks down in shame.) And in case you’ve forgotten (she points into the hall), I’m over there in the other room in bed, trying to forget about all this pain I’m in and just get some sleep. But I swear- this headache I’ve got from all your screaming hurts me even worse than my back does! (Toot and both look sorry. Clara calms down.) Look, you guys. I’m sorry I sprung this whole situation on you so suddenly. And really, I’m flattered that you liked having me as a roommate so much. But I really love Ling-Ling and I don’t want to spend another night apart from him. When you find a love of your own, you’ll understand. (Her tone softens yet again, becoming almost pleading.) Please, you guys, try to get along. You’re both really good people. I’m sure if you work at it, you can find some common ground together. Just try to find something you can talk about peacefully together. A friendship will grow from there.

Foxxy: You’re right, Clara.

Toot: We’re sorry, Clara.

Foxxy: You just go on back to bed, Clara. Toot and I will talk peacefully and see if we can bond somehow.

Clara: Thanks, you guys. This really means a lot to me.

Toot: Goodnight, Clara. (Clara exits. Toot’s tone changes as she turns to Foxxy.) Do you believe her?

Foxxy: Looks like someone still thinks the whole world revolves around them!

Toot: And she thinks she’s so special cause she’s got a boyfriend now! Yeah, a weird midget cat thing! Good catch! What, was Garfield not available? She’ll sure be the envy of all the girls at her high school reunion!

Foxxy: And the way she talked down to us! Like she’s above it all or something!

Toot: I’m so special cause Jesus loves me and that means I’m better than you!

Foxxy: And someday, perhaps love might find you too… if you’re as holy and pure as me.

Toot: Hey, would you keep it down in there? I’m in pain cause my back hurts cause I don’t know how to have sex! (They are both laughing heartily by this point.)

Foxxy: (getting up) Hold on just a minute, I’m gonna go get some popcorn.

Toot: Well, hurry back! I wanna dis Clara some more! (As Foxxy dashes out to get popcorn, Toot begins singing mockingly.) Bullies are people who hate themselves…

Cut to Clara trying to get settled back into bed. Ling-Ling enters holding a tray.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling thought you might like something to drink. And a snack.

Clara: Oh, thank you, Ling-Ling. You brought me some juice. (sees what else is on the tray) And some cookies too! I didn’t know we had any cookies in the house.

Ling-Ling: We didn’t. Ling-Ling make them special for princess. From special recipe.

Clara: That’s so wonderful of you, Ling-Ling. (She starts to pick him up and put him on the bed with her, but Ling-Ling stops her.)

Ling-Ling: No, Carla. Ling-Ling no want you getting hurt again trying to lift Ling-Ling.

Clara: It’s okay, Ling-Ling, really. I think I can manage. (She picks him up and puts him on the bed with her.) But thank you so much for your concern.

From outside in the hall, the two can hear the sound of laughter.

Ling-Ling: What that?

Clara: That would be Foxxy and Toot. If I don’t miss my guess, they’re probably making fun of me. (Ling-Ling becomes incensed.)

Ling-Ling: What? They dare to mock princess? Ling-Ling make them regret it! (He jumps off the bed to go after them, but Clara stops him. She picks him back up on the bed with her.)

Clara: Really, Ling-Ling, it’s okay. That’s what they’re supposed to be doing.

Ling-Ling: You mean… (he realizes) To make them stop fighting, you…

Clara: That’s right. I gave them a common enemy.

Ling-Ling: You never cease to amaze Ling-Ling.

Clara: I probably deserve it. I am pretty haughty to them a lot. And I guess I do act like I’m special sometimes because I have a husband. But you know what, Ling-Ling? (She picks him up and begins cuddling him.) The only reason I act like that is because my husband makes me *feel* special. He makes me feel like I’m the most special person on earth.

Ling-Ling: That because you are.

Clara: Well, I know a little battle monster who’s just as special. (She hugs him, then puts him down. She looks at him and smiles.) So you feel like giving it another go? (Ling-Ling looks down in sadness)

Ling-Ling: About that. Ling-Ling not sure if that would be a good idea.

Clara: Oh, come on, Ling-Ling. I really want to do this for you! (Ling-Ling continues looking down in silence.) I know what this is, Ling-Ling. You’re afraid of hurting me again, aren’t you? (Ling-Ling nods.) Well, don’t worry, Ling-Ling. We’ll make it work somehow. I mean, you wouldn’t want to be celibate for the rest of your life, would you? (He looks at her again. His look is sad, but accepting.) You would? (She is touched.) I don’t believe this. You would actually give up your entire sex life for me? Wow… I can’t tell you how that makes me feel. (She begins stroking him.) That makes me feel… (She begins stroking him harder.) It makes me feel… (Her breathing becomes steadily faster until they both finally realize what is going on. They catch each other’s glances and stare at each other for a moment. They suddenly embrace and kiss passionately. As they begin to roll around, the camera pans slowly away from them over toward the window. Fireworks begin going off outside.)

Clara: (from offscreen) Oh, Ling-Ling!

Ling-Ling: (from offscreen) Carla!

Cut to the ground outside their window. We see Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor playing with a bottle rocket.

Wooldoor: This was a great idea, you guys! Setting off a bunch of fireworks to celebrate Xandir moving back in with us!

Xandir: Let’s set off another one. (Wooldoor lights the bottle rocket.)

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

The bottle rocket screams into the air and explodes in many beautiful colors. The camera pans back inside Clara and Ling-Ling’s room. A pair of shadowy figures can be seen moving under the covers.


THE END