Post by Raymond-Raymond on Feb 10, 2007 22:21:17 GMT -5
DIARY OF A MAD BLACK AND WHITE WOMAN
Part 1
The scene opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior where we see Toot rummaging through the freezer.
Toot: (in confessional) The day started out like any other day. I had just finished my morning vodka and it was time for breakfast. But I couldn’t seem to find any breakfast food.
The camera shows a shot of the freezer packed to the gills with bacon, sausage, eggs, and juice concentrate. Toot examines it all with a look of annoyance.
Toot: Dammit! We can’t be out of ice cream! (She begins looking through the fridge.) Dammit, none in here either! (Growing ever more desperate, she begins rummaging through all the kitchen cabinets.) This is bulltoot! No ice cream in the whole goddamn house! Oh- wait a minute!
She begins sorting through the dirty dishes in the sink. As she examines each one, she puts it aside with a look of mild disgust. Finally, the sink is empty. She reaches her hand down the drainpipe with a hopeful look. There is a squishy sound. Finally, a look of excitement crosses her face.
Toot: Ooh! I knew we had some!
She pulls her hand back out to see it is covered with disgusting green muck. She looks at it with revulsion for a moment, then glances from side to side to make sure no one is looking. She smells the vile substance in her hand and reaches it up to her mouth, but stops just short of putting it in. She sighs, then casts the glop back into the sink.
Toot: Nah, it wouldn’t be the same. (looks around) Dammit, what am I going to do?
She trudges into the living room where the other housemates minus Xandir are setting up a game.
Foxxy: (in confessional) Ever since Clara and Ling-Ling had gotten together, it seemed like we never did anything as a group anymore. That's why I suggested we all play a friendly game of Monopoly. Nothing brings a group closer together like cheating and swindling each other and driving each other to the poor house!
Foxxy: All right, everybody, it’s about time to get this Monopoly party started! And Foxxy gets to be the banker!
Spanky: Oh no, you don’t! No way we’re letting YOU be in charge of looking after the money! You’ll just use it to buy lottery tickets!
Foxxy: Now, Spanky, everybody knows you can’t buy lottery tickets with Monopoly money! (pauses for a moment) Can you?
Toot: (annoyed) All right, you guys, which one of you ate the last of the ice cream?
Foxxy: Probably you, Toot. All right, Spanky, fine, you can be the banker.
Spanky: Sweeeeeeeeet! And if any of you have any bright ideas about robbing the bank, let me introduce you to Spanky’s special security system! (he begins to unzip his pants. The camera cuts to the other housemates with disgusted looks as we hear the sound of Spanky urinating.)
Toot: I did not eat all the ice cream, and it really bugs me that you guys automatically assume I did!
Hero: What’s that whale blubbering on about now? She upset cause all the ice cream’s gone or something? (Toot is clearly fuming by this point.)
Wooldoor: This is fun! I get to be your teammate, right, Captain Hero?
Hero: You bet, my trusty sidekick. You can even choose what token we use.
Wooldoor: I choose the horse! (A look of panic crosses Hero’s face.) What is, Captain Hero?
Hero: It’s nothing, Wooldoor. It’s just that I once had kind of a bad experience with a horse.
Wooldoor: What was it? Did you fall off one and get horribly injured or something?
Hero: (almost in tears) No… I just wanted one for my birthday and didn’t get it. (looks at the others) I was going to call it Mr. Peaches!
Wooldoor: We could be the dog instead.
Clara: Sorry, Sockbat, the dog belongs to Ling-Ling and me! Isn’t that right, sweetie? (We see Ling-Ling rubbing his hands together and grinning.)
Ling-Ling: Too bad it not real dog. Ling-Ling get hungry during game.
Spanky: Well, you can’t have the top hat, cause that belongs to me! You know, cause I’m just so classy!
Foxxy: And Foxxy got dibs on the boot!
Hero: No, it’s okay. We’ll take the horse. (He looks up to the sky) We’re going to win this one for you, Mr. Peaches! (They begin to roll to see who goes first. Toot decides she’s had about all she can take.)
Toot: Oh, the hell with you people! Fine, if no one will fess up, I’ll just go to the store, buy myself a big gallon of Rocky Road Chocolate Mint Coffee-Flavored Cookie Dough ice cream and I won’t share it with anybody!
Spanky: Like you would ever do that anyway.
Clara: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Is Mr. Peaches dead? I thought he was just imaginary.
We see Toot’s blood start to boil, then finally she lets out a scream.
Toot: Goddammit, you guys suck! (She walks out, slamming the door behind her.)
Wooldoor: She seemed really upset. You think maybe we ought to go after her?
Foxxy: Oh, she’ll calm down. As soon as she gets that Rocky Chocolate Cream-Filled Eggplant ice cream or whatever it was, she’ll calm right back down.
Spanky: Yeah, Wooldoor. And even if she doesn’t, what’s she really likely to do anyway?
The scene cuts to the store. An infuriated Toot has a revolver in her hand, holding everyone in the store hostage.
Toot: You’re all out? What the hell do you mean you’re all out? That’s it, you bunch of retarded morons, Toot’s had about all she can take today! Now you’re gonna give me some Rocky Road Chocolate Mint Coffee-Flavored Cookie Dough ice cream right now or I might have to get violent!
As she points the gun at the employees and other terrified customers, the scene cuts to two policemen outside the store. A confused Xandir walks up to them.
Xandir: Oh my God, you guys, what’s going on in there?
Cop: Some crazy woman flipped out and is holding everyone in the store hostage. Kept muttering something about ice cream.
Xandir: Dammit, Toot, not again! That’s the third time this week!
Cop: Oh, you know her?
Xandir: (sighs) Yeah. Come on, you guys, I’ll go talk her down again. (Xandir and the cop walk inside the store together. They catch a glimpse of Toot.) Hi, Toot. (She turns around to look at him.)
Toot: Oh, hi, Xandir. What are you doing here?
Xandir: I might ask you that question. Toot, this has got to stop.
Toot: Yeah, and how are you going to make me do that?
Cut to the police station. Toot is in handcuffs standing in front of the chief of police.
Toot: Yeah, like YOU’VE never pulled a gun and taken an entire grocery store hostage before!
CUE OPENING TITLES
Xandir: (in confessional) Thankfully, they let Toot off by doing some community service. You know, reading to children, helping the elderly, taking nude photos for charity, that sort of thing. But as a condition for avoiding jail time, she had to agree to seek counseling for anger management. So the housemates and I made sure to get Toot the best counseling we could find!
Cut to a closed door. On the outside of a door is a sign that reads “Bob’s Laundromat”, with the word “Laundromat” crossed out and the words “Psychological counseling center” scribbled in underneath. Cut to the interior of the room, where we see several washing machines. Against a backdrop of a wall of dryers, five people sit in a semicircle, with Toot in the leftmost chair. The group’s leader, a 30-ish man who is far too chipper, sits in the center.
Chad: All right, everyone, my name is Chad, and I’d just like to welcome all of you to your first session! This is going to be such fun!
Marty (man on Toot’s left): I can’t believe they’re letting you do this.
Chad: Yeah, me either! Especially after that incident! (to group) I swear, after that guy jumped, I was majorly bummed. But then the courts found me not guilty, so now I’m happy again! So anyway, where were we?
Marty: You were yapping on about some crap nobody cares about.
Chad: Right, thanks. So anyway, there I was in court, and the judge is giving me this really evil look. How was I supposed to know it’s bad manners to read the newspaper while you’re being cross-examined?
Toot: (angry) Oh, would you just shut the hell up and get on with it? I haven’t got all day! Well, actually, I do, but I don’t want to give it all up for this crap.
Marty: (to Toot) I like you, you’re feisty!
Toot: Can it, pea brain!
Chad: So anyway, let’s just discuss why you’re all here. Now I know usually we’d all have the same problem, but unfortunately due to budget cuts and a lack of people willing to listen to psychos like you guys, we’ve had to combine several different support groups into one. (points to man on far right) Now, Don there is trying to cope with childhood trauma. You want to tell us about it, Don?
Don (completely pale with glazed eyes): It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen! I’ll never forget that hideous face! The way he tormented me with those objects of his! The way he laughed at my pain! I swear, I’ll never forget that big red face coming after me like that! Why? Why? What did I ever do to him?
Marty: What happened to him?
Chad: He saw Carrot Top in concert. (he turns to the woman next to Don) Now then, Helen, why don’t you tell us your problem?
Helen: I suffer from gender confusion. I don’t know if I’m a man or a woman.
Chad: You look like a woman to me.
Helen: That’s what I thought! Throughout school, I’d always been listed as a girl. Guys would always tell me what a nice girl I am. When I realized I had breasts, I thought that cinched the deal.
Chad: So what made you start questioning yourself?
Helen: The other day my dad was talking about me, and he accidentally said “he” instead of “she” at one point. (Helen breaks down in tears) I couldn’t believe it! All this time I’d been so sure! And now- I don’t know what’s real anymore!
Chad: Thanks, Helen. Or should I say Herman. (He begins laughing. Everyone else in the room scowls at him. He looks confused at the poor reception his joke gets.) What?
Toot: I swear, if they hadn’t taken my knife away, I swear to God, I would so cut you right now! (Marty looks at her in amusement.)
Chad: So anyway, (he points to Marty) now Marty here, claims to be possessed by the ghost of William Howard Taft.
Marty: That’s right.
Chad: But the truth is, you’re really an undercover reporter gathering material for a hard-hitting expose on fraudulent support groups!
Marty: (annoyed) Way to blow my cover, man!
Chad: Now, Marty, if I don’t break down the walls, how can I ever expect to help you? (turns to Toot) So anyway, that brings us to Toot. And Toot, what is your problem?
Toot: I have a low tolerance for morons with oatmeal for brains!
Chad: Let me guess. Anger management?
Toot: Gee, how’d you ever figure that one out, Einstein?
Chad: (laughs) Cause that’s what it says on my form! (turns to group) So anyway, now does anyone want to guess what my problem is?
Marty: You’re an idiot?
Chad suddenly stops smiling as a look of alarm crosses his face. He abruptly addresses the group again.
Chad: Moving on! Now then, why don’t we do a role-playing exercise? Now then, since Helen doesn’t know whether she’s a man or a woman, I think Toot should play her, since I’m sure you can relate to her problem.
Toot: I swear, if I hadn’t had a big breakfast, I would eat you right now. And then I’d vomit you back up and eat you again.
Marty: I cannot get over how spirited you are! You really don’t take crap from people! I like that! And you’re cute, to boot!
Toot glares at him for a moment, then finally jumps on him angrily. He falls backward in his chair with Toot on top of him.
Toot: Are you mocking me? I swear to God, I can’t stand people who mock other people! Ooh, I’m Marty and I’m a funny guy, mock, mock, mock, and I like to make fun of the fat girl!
Marty: You’re really not *that* fat. (Toot begins shaking him violently) Ow! Ow! Fine, I take it back! You’re a fat old cow! (Toot stops shaking him and appears to calm down. Then she fixes him with an icy stare.)
Toot: OLD??? (She begins shaking him again.)
Toot: (in confessional) Therapy was fun! I could be as abusive as I wanted, and I would be treated with pity instead of scorn!
Cut back to the session. The group is letting out. Helen and Chad are helping a banged-up Marty to his car. Toot walks out the door scowling and starts to walk off.
Toot: I can’t believe what a bunch of jerkwads those guys were! (stops and begins thinking) Hmm, if only there were a way to bring my weapons to the session! Maybe if I ate them, I could try to pass them covertly in class. Nah, that wouldn’t work. No telling what else might come out along with them!
Suddenly she is stopped by a voice calling her name from behind.
Voice: Toot?
She turns around. A look of surprise crosses her face. We see a man looking at her. He is handsome, and in his early to mid 30’s.
Toot: Roger?
Roger: Hi, Toot. It’s been a while.
Toot: Yeah, it has. What are you doing here?
Roger: I was supposed to show up for therapy, but I guess I was a little late.
Toot: Yeah, you managed to get here right as the class ended. Funny…
Roger: Okay, Toot, I’ll come clean with you. I was at the Hot Dog Shack next door and I looked over here and saw you. I wasn’t sure if I should come talk to you or not. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me again.
Toot: It’s okay, Roger, I’m glad you did. I think we have some things to talk about.
Roger: I know. I still feel really bad about the way we left things.
Toot: It was your fault, you know.
Roger: I know. And I’m sorry. Look, why don’t we go to discuss this over some ice cream sundaes at Baskin-Robbins?
Toot: You remember our restaurant! (She smiles) Yeah, let’s go.
Toot: (in confessional) To be honest, I wasn’t really sure if letting Roger back into my life was a good idea. Getting over him was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. That and the time the doctor told me I was allergic to potatoes!
Cut to Toot and Roger in Baskin-Robbins.
Toot: This is nice. It’s just like old times. You remember that time we did that thing that was so much fun?
Roger (laughs) Yeah, that was pretty fun. (grows more serious) Wow, Toot, you have not changed one bit. You’re still as beautiful as ever.
Toot: So you’re saying I haven’t grown prettier with age?
Roger: And how could I forget the way you always take things the wrong way?
Toot: (annoyed) What’s that supposed to mean?
Roger: Okay, Toot, I’ll be level with you. You want to know the real reason I broke up with you, don’t you?
Toot: Yes, Roger, I would. I can deal with being cheated on. But it’s being lied to that really hurts me. Now we’re together for three years, and then all of a sudden, I see you walking down the street with this woman I’ve never seen before and you tell me it’s over! What the hell happened there, Roger?
Roger: I promise you, Toot, I wasn’t cheating on you. When you ran into me that day, I was actually on my way to tell you the truth. That was my first date with Jessica. The only reason you hadn’t seen her before was because I’d just met her myself!
Toot: So you toss a three-year relationship completely aside for a woman you’d just met? After all we’d been through together?
Roger: I know. I’m sorry.
Toot: There’s something you’re not telling me, Roger. What is it?
Roger (takes a deep breath): All right, I’ll tell you the truth. And I know it’s going to make you upset. Just please, don’t get violent.
Toot: (grabbing up a fork) What the hell makes you think I would ever get violent?
Roger: Okay, Toot. Yes, I know we were together for three years. But the fact is, I only stayed with you that long because I was desperate and insecure and afraid I’d never find a real girlfriend. (Toot looks down in disbelief. She is more hurt than upset.) Maybe my preference wasn’t to be with you, but I thought it was better than being alone.
Toot: So you were just leading me on the whole time? You never had any feelings for me at all?
Roger: I did have feelings for you. I honestly liked you!
Toot: But you didn’t love me.
Roger: (ashamed) No, I didn’t love you.
Toot: So I was just a placeholder until you found a real girlfriend?
Roger: I didn’t intend it that way, honest. I assumed you were doing the same thing- I didn’t know you actually loved me!
Toot: So because you were lying to me, you assume I was lying too?
Roger: Look, Toot, I’m sorry. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea telling you all this.
Toot: No, Roger, you were right to tell me. I admit that the truth makes me feel even worse than I did before, but at least now I know. There’s no uncertainty. I don’t need to beat myself up anymore for messing up a good relationship. I know now that you don’t love me and you never did.
Roger: Actually, Toot- that’s not entirely true either.
Toot: (shocked and angry) But- you just said-
Roger: I said I didn’t love you then. I didn’t say I never loved you at all.
Toot: (confused) What the hell? Are you playing some cheap mind game with me now?
Roger: No, Toot, let me explain. After I broke up with you, I dated Jessica for a while. But I was never really happy with her either. I was planning to move on to someone else, but then I got to thinking about you again. I started realizing how special you were, and how much I missed you. And somewhere along the line… (He breaks off, hesitant to continue.)
Toot: You decided you did love me after all?
Roger: I know, it’s hard to believe. You have every right to be skeptical.
Toot: No, Roger, I believe you. It’s just that- well… why did you have to wait until we were broken up to find that out? If there were any real feelings there, you should at least have been able to tell something while we were still together!
Roger: I can’t explain it, it’s too complicated.
Toot: That’s okay, you don’t have to. (sighs) I’m just not sure if I want to deal with this right now with everything else I’ve got going on. (She picks up her spoon and begins eating)
Roger: Why? Is there someone else in your life now?
Toot: Well, no, but-
Roger: Toot, listen to me. I know this is probably kind of tactless of me, and after what I did to you, I can’t blame you if you don’t want to. But is there any chance- you would want to get back together?
Toot drops her spoon and looks up in alarm. Her jaw drops. A blob of ice cream falls out of her mouth.
Toot: (slightly annoyed) You didn’t. You did not just say that. You did not just ask me if I wanted to get back together! (Roger is silent. Toot begins to get flustered.) Roger, I.. I… I don’t know what to say. I mean, you’ve got to understand my skepticism, I mean, after what you did to me before.
Roger: I know, Toot. But I’ve told you, I’m really sorry about that. If you give me the chance, I can make everything up to you.
Toot: I don’t know, Roger. You’re going to have to give some time to think about this.
Roger: Take all the time you need. I’ll wait. (The camera zooms in on Toot looking troubled.)
Toot: (in confessional) I know I should have told Roger right then and there to go screw himself and get out of my life forever. But I just kept thinking back on how good those three years were we spent together. I just thought that if he could be the same guy he was then, only without the lying, things might turn out pretty great. I thought I owed it to myself to find out- even if it meant risking getting hurt again.
Cut to the group playing Monopoly.
Foxxy: (rolling dice) Come on, come on, this one’s for Ray-Ray’s special shoes! (she rolls) Ooh, thirteen!
Clara: You can’t roll a thirteen!
Foxxy: Looks like someone’s upset I didn’t land on her property! (As Clara rolls her eyes, Foxxy moves.) Community chest! You know what that means! Time for the community to show their chests!
Foxxy pulls her top off. The rest of the group looks at her, but no one follows suit. Hero and Spanky look at Foxxy with eagerness. Clara, slightly uncomfortable, looks at Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling sighs and nods, then pulls up a phantom shirt, sticking his “breasts” out.
Foxxy: There, at least someone knows how to play the game! There you go, Ling-Ling! Come on, now Ling-Ling, shake those puppies for the group! (Ling-Ling begins shaking his chest area. Foxxy begins getting into it, but Ling-Ling suddenly stops.)
Ling-Ling: Wait- that kind of weird. Ling-Ling uncomfortable being thought of as sex object. It wrong to be used and degraded for cheap sexual thrill.
Clara: (picks up and kisses Ling-Ling) That’s my Ling-Ling! (He grins.)
Toot walks through the door somewhat still in a state of shock.
Clara: Hey, Toot, what’s going on?
Toot: Not much. Is Xandir here?
Wooldoor: Yeah, he’s in his room. Why?
Toot: I just need to talk to him about something.
Cut to Xandir in his room. He is sitting on the bed with shaving cream on his feet, holding a razor. Just as he is about to begin, there is a knock at the door.
Toot: Hey, Xandir, can I talk to you for a minute?
Xandir: Sure, Toot. Come on in.
Toot: (entering) Thanks.
Xandir: So what’s up? How was therapy today? (She sits beside him on the bed.)
Toot: Oh, it was fine. It’s just that afterward- (she suddenly looks down and sees what he is doing) Um, Xandir? Are you shaving your feet?
Xandir: I have hairy feet. I’m sorry I’m not genetically perfect, okay? So what’s bothering you?
Toot: Well, after therapy. I ran into this guy I know. Roger.
Xandir: I’m guessing there’s some history here. Would Roger by any chance be your ex?
Toot: Yes. And he broke my heart, too.
Xandir: Wow, that was kind of thoughtless of him. To break your heart right after you just started therapy!
Toot: (looks at him in disbelief) He didn’t break my heart today, Xandir! I meant I just ran into him today! He broke it years ago.
Xandir: Oh, I’m sorry. So what happened today?
Toot: We went out to lunch together, and we started talking about our breakup. I asked him why he left me… and then he told me he had never really loved me in the first place.
Xandir: What a cad! If I’d been there, I’d have smacked him for you!
Toot: Wait, Xandir. There’s more.
Xandir: Oh, no. What else did he do to you?
Toot: He told me he didn’t love me before… but he loves me now. And he wants to get back together.
Xandir: Wait a minute. So first he tells you he loves you, then he dumps you. Then after you’ve broken up, he decides he does love you, then he tells you he didn’t love you then but he does love you now, and after he hurts you again, he says he wants to get back together?
Toot: Right.
Xandir: You heterosexuals are so kooky! (resumes shaving)
Toot: I don’t know what to tell him, Xandir. I mean, I do still have feelings for him, and I do think I owe him the chance to prove he’s for real about this. After all, those three years we had together were probably the happiest time of my life- even if it was all based on a lie.
Xandir: But you’re worried about setting yourself up to get hurt again.
Toot: I know I should probably cut ties with him. But I know if I did, it would kill me going through my life not knowing what might have been.
Xandir: I guess you’ll have to decide then, if your potential relationship is worth the potential heartbreak.
Toot: I’m not seeing this through rose-colored glasses. I know in my heart, he’ll probably just break my heart again. But I have to know. I don’t know why, but I just have to know.
Xandir: I guess you don’t really need my advice, then. It sounds like your mind’s made up.
Toot: Yeah, it pretty much is. I guess I just wanted to make sure that- well, that if I did end up getting hurt again- I just wanted to make sure you’d be there for me.
Xandir: I’ll always be there for you, Toot. No matter what happens. You’re one of my best friends.
Toot: Really, Xandir? (They hug.) That means a lot to me.
Xandir: Don’t even think about it. After all, if that insane obsessive crush you had on me couldn’t wreck our friendship, nothing can!
Toot: Yeah, about that. Look, Xandir, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Xandir: It’s okay, Toot, I was flattered. Annoyed as hell, but flattered.
Toot: Is it too late to blame it all on Roger?
Xandir: Not at all! (They let go. Xandir sits back up and resumes shaving.) Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t I do your feet next?
Toot: Hey, my feet aren’t hairy like yours! (She laughs good-naturedly.) You are such a girl! I can’t believe I was ever in love with you! (She playfully hits him.)
Xandir: You little scamp, I’ll get you for that! (They begin fighting playfully)
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The scene opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior where we see Toot rummaging through the freezer.
Toot: (in confessional) The day started out like any other day. I had just finished my morning vodka and it was time for breakfast. But I couldn’t seem to find any breakfast food.
The camera shows a shot of the freezer packed to the gills with bacon, sausage, eggs, and juice concentrate. Toot examines it all with a look of annoyance.
Toot: Dammit! We can’t be out of ice cream! (She begins looking through the fridge.) Dammit, none in here either! (Growing ever more desperate, she begins rummaging through all the kitchen cabinets.) This is bulltoot! No ice cream in the whole goddamn house! Oh- wait a minute!
She begins sorting through the dirty dishes in the sink. As she examines each one, she puts it aside with a look of mild disgust. Finally, the sink is empty. She reaches her hand down the drainpipe with a hopeful look. There is a squishy sound. Finally, a look of excitement crosses her face.
Toot: Ooh! I knew we had some!
She pulls her hand back out to see it is covered with disgusting green muck. She looks at it with revulsion for a moment, then glances from side to side to make sure no one is looking. She smells the vile substance in her hand and reaches it up to her mouth, but stops just short of putting it in. She sighs, then casts the glop back into the sink.
Toot: Nah, it wouldn’t be the same. (looks around) Dammit, what am I going to do?
She trudges into the living room where the other housemates minus Xandir are setting up a game.
Foxxy: (in confessional) Ever since Clara and Ling-Ling had gotten together, it seemed like we never did anything as a group anymore. That's why I suggested we all play a friendly game of Monopoly. Nothing brings a group closer together like cheating and swindling each other and driving each other to the poor house!
Foxxy: All right, everybody, it’s about time to get this Monopoly party started! And Foxxy gets to be the banker!
Spanky: Oh no, you don’t! No way we’re letting YOU be in charge of looking after the money! You’ll just use it to buy lottery tickets!
Foxxy: Now, Spanky, everybody knows you can’t buy lottery tickets with Monopoly money! (pauses for a moment) Can you?
Toot: (annoyed) All right, you guys, which one of you ate the last of the ice cream?
Foxxy: Probably you, Toot. All right, Spanky, fine, you can be the banker.
Spanky: Sweeeeeeeeet! And if any of you have any bright ideas about robbing the bank, let me introduce you to Spanky’s special security system! (he begins to unzip his pants. The camera cuts to the other housemates with disgusted looks as we hear the sound of Spanky urinating.)
Toot: I did not eat all the ice cream, and it really bugs me that you guys automatically assume I did!
Hero: What’s that whale blubbering on about now? She upset cause all the ice cream’s gone or something? (Toot is clearly fuming by this point.)
Wooldoor: This is fun! I get to be your teammate, right, Captain Hero?
Hero: You bet, my trusty sidekick. You can even choose what token we use.
Wooldoor: I choose the horse! (A look of panic crosses Hero’s face.) What is, Captain Hero?
Hero: It’s nothing, Wooldoor. It’s just that I once had kind of a bad experience with a horse.
Wooldoor: What was it? Did you fall off one and get horribly injured or something?
Hero: (almost in tears) No… I just wanted one for my birthday and didn’t get it. (looks at the others) I was going to call it Mr. Peaches!
Wooldoor: We could be the dog instead.
Clara: Sorry, Sockbat, the dog belongs to Ling-Ling and me! Isn’t that right, sweetie? (We see Ling-Ling rubbing his hands together and grinning.)
Ling-Ling: Too bad it not real dog. Ling-Ling get hungry during game.
Spanky: Well, you can’t have the top hat, cause that belongs to me! You know, cause I’m just so classy!
Foxxy: And Foxxy got dibs on the boot!
Hero: No, it’s okay. We’ll take the horse. (He looks up to the sky) We’re going to win this one for you, Mr. Peaches! (They begin to roll to see who goes first. Toot decides she’s had about all she can take.)
Toot: Oh, the hell with you people! Fine, if no one will fess up, I’ll just go to the store, buy myself a big gallon of Rocky Road Chocolate Mint Coffee-Flavored Cookie Dough ice cream and I won’t share it with anybody!
Spanky: Like you would ever do that anyway.
Clara: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Is Mr. Peaches dead? I thought he was just imaginary.
We see Toot’s blood start to boil, then finally she lets out a scream.
Toot: Goddammit, you guys suck! (She walks out, slamming the door behind her.)
Wooldoor: She seemed really upset. You think maybe we ought to go after her?
Foxxy: Oh, she’ll calm down. As soon as she gets that Rocky Chocolate Cream-Filled Eggplant ice cream or whatever it was, she’ll calm right back down.
Spanky: Yeah, Wooldoor. And even if she doesn’t, what’s she really likely to do anyway?
The scene cuts to the store. An infuriated Toot has a revolver in her hand, holding everyone in the store hostage.
Toot: You’re all out? What the hell do you mean you’re all out? That’s it, you bunch of retarded morons, Toot’s had about all she can take today! Now you’re gonna give me some Rocky Road Chocolate Mint Coffee-Flavored Cookie Dough ice cream right now or I might have to get violent!
As she points the gun at the employees and other terrified customers, the scene cuts to two policemen outside the store. A confused Xandir walks up to them.
Xandir: Oh my God, you guys, what’s going on in there?
Cop: Some crazy woman flipped out and is holding everyone in the store hostage. Kept muttering something about ice cream.
Xandir: Dammit, Toot, not again! That’s the third time this week!
Cop: Oh, you know her?
Xandir: (sighs) Yeah. Come on, you guys, I’ll go talk her down again. (Xandir and the cop walk inside the store together. They catch a glimpse of Toot.) Hi, Toot. (She turns around to look at him.)
Toot: Oh, hi, Xandir. What are you doing here?
Xandir: I might ask you that question. Toot, this has got to stop.
Toot: Yeah, and how are you going to make me do that?
Cut to the police station. Toot is in handcuffs standing in front of the chief of police.
Toot: Yeah, like YOU’VE never pulled a gun and taken an entire grocery store hostage before!
CUE OPENING TITLES
Xandir: (in confessional) Thankfully, they let Toot off by doing some community service. You know, reading to children, helping the elderly, taking nude photos for charity, that sort of thing. But as a condition for avoiding jail time, she had to agree to seek counseling for anger management. So the housemates and I made sure to get Toot the best counseling we could find!
Cut to a closed door. On the outside of a door is a sign that reads “Bob’s Laundromat”, with the word “Laundromat” crossed out and the words “Psychological counseling center” scribbled in underneath. Cut to the interior of the room, where we see several washing machines. Against a backdrop of a wall of dryers, five people sit in a semicircle, with Toot in the leftmost chair. The group’s leader, a 30-ish man who is far too chipper, sits in the center.
Chad: All right, everyone, my name is Chad, and I’d just like to welcome all of you to your first session! This is going to be such fun!
Marty (man on Toot’s left): I can’t believe they’re letting you do this.
Chad: Yeah, me either! Especially after that incident! (to group) I swear, after that guy jumped, I was majorly bummed. But then the courts found me not guilty, so now I’m happy again! So anyway, where were we?
Marty: You were yapping on about some crap nobody cares about.
Chad: Right, thanks. So anyway, there I was in court, and the judge is giving me this really evil look. How was I supposed to know it’s bad manners to read the newspaper while you’re being cross-examined?
Toot: (angry) Oh, would you just shut the hell up and get on with it? I haven’t got all day! Well, actually, I do, but I don’t want to give it all up for this crap.
Marty: (to Toot) I like you, you’re feisty!
Toot: Can it, pea brain!
Chad: So anyway, let’s just discuss why you’re all here. Now I know usually we’d all have the same problem, but unfortunately due to budget cuts and a lack of people willing to listen to psychos like you guys, we’ve had to combine several different support groups into one. (points to man on far right) Now, Don there is trying to cope with childhood trauma. You want to tell us about it, Don?
Don (completely pale with glazed eyes): It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen! I’ll never forget that hideous face! The way he tormented me with those objects of his! The way he laughed at my pain! I swear, I’ll never forget that big red face coming after me like that! Why? Why? What did I ever do to him?
Marty: What happened to him?
Chad: He saw Carrot Top in concert. (he turns to the woman next to Don) Now then, Helen, why don’t you tell us your problem?
Helen: I suffer from gender confusion. I don’t know if I’m a man or a woman.
Chad: You look like a woman to me.
Helen: That’s what I thought! Throughout school, I’d always been listed as a girl. Guys would always tell me what a nice girl I am. When I realized I had breasts, I thought that cinched the deal.
Chad: So what made you start questioning yourself?
Helen: The other day my dad was talking about me, and he accidentally said “he” instead of “she” at one point. (Helen breaks down in tears) I couldn’t believe it! All this time I’d been so sure! And now- I don’t know what’s real anymore!
Chad: Thanks, Helen. Or should I say Herman. (He begins laughing. Everyone else in the room scowls at him. He looks confused at the poor reception his joke gets.) What?
Toot: I swear, if they hadn’t taken my knife away, I swear to God, I would so cut you right now! (Marty looks at her in amusement.)
Chad: So anyway, (he points to Marty) now Marty here, claims to be possessed by the ghost of William Howard Taft.
Marty: That’s right.
Chad: But the truth is, you’re really an undercover reporter gathering material for a hard-hitting expose on fraudulent support groups!
Marty: (annoyed) Way to blow my cover, man!
Chad: Now, Marty, if I don’t break down the walls, how can I ever expect to help you? (turns to Toot) So anyway, that brings us to Toot. And Toot, what is your problem?
Toot: I have a low tolerance for morons with oatmeal for brains!
Chad: Let me guess. Anger management?
Toot: Gee, how’d you ever figure that one out, Einstein?
Chad: (laughs) Cause that’s what it says on my form! (turns to group) So anyway, now does anyone want to guess what my problem is?
Marty: You’re an idiot?
Chad suddenly stops smiling as a look of alarm crosses his face. He abruptly addresses the group again.
Chad: Moving on! Now then, why don’t we do a role-playing exercise? Now then, since Helen doesn’t know whether she’s a man or a woman, I think Toot should play her, since I’m sure you can relate to her problem.
Toot: I swear, if I hadn’t had a big breakfast, I would eat you right now. And then I’d vomit you back up and eat you again.
Marty: I cannot get over how spirited you are! You really don’t take crap from people! I like that! And you’re cute, to boot!
Toot glares at him for a moment, then finally jumps on him angrily. He falls backward in his chair with Toot on top of him.
Toot: Are you mocking me? I swear to God, I can’t stand people who mock other people! Ooh, I’m Marty and I’m a funny guy, mock, mock, mock, and I like to make fun of the fat girl!
Marty: You’re really not *that* fat. (Toot begins shaking him violently) Ow! Ow! Fine, I take it back! You’re a fat old cow! (Toot stops shaking him and appears to calm down. Then she fixes him with an icy stare.)
Toot: OLD??? (She begins shaking him again.)
Toot: (in confessional) Therapy was fun! I could be as abusive as I wanted, and I would be treated with pity instead of scorn!
Cut back to the session. The group is letting out. Helen and Chad are helping a banged-up Marty to his car. Toot walks out the door scowling and starts to walk off.
Toot: I can’t believe what a bunch of jerkwads those guys were! (stops and begins thinking) Hmm, if only there were a way to bring my weapons to the session! Maybe if I ate them, I could try to pass them covertly in class. Nah, that wouldn’t work. No telling what else might come out along with them!
Suddenly she is stopped by a voice calling her name from behind.
Voice: Toot?
She turns around. A look of surprise crosses her face. We see a man looking at her. He is handsome, and in his early to mid 30’s.
Toot: Roger?
Roger: Hi, Toot. It’s been a while.
Toot: Yeah, it has. What are you doing here?
Roger: I was supposed to show up for therapy, but I guess I was a little late.
Toot: Yeah, you managed to get here right as the class ended. Funny…
Roger: Okay, Toot, I’ll come clean with you. I was at the Hot Dog Shack next door and I looked over here and saw you. I wasn’t sure if I should come talk to you or not. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me again.
Toot: It’s okay, Roger, I’m glad you did. I think we have some things to talk about.
Roger: I know. I still feel really bad about the way we left things.
Toot: It was your fault, you know.
Roger: I know. And I’m sorry. Look, why don’t we go to discuss this over some ice cream sundaes at Baskin-Robbins?
Toot: You remember our restaurant! (She smiles) Yeah, let’s go.
Toot: (in confessional) To be honest, I wasn’t really sure if letting Roger back into my life was a good idea. Getting over him was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. That and the time the doctor told me I was allergic to potatoes!
Cut to Toot and Roger in Baskin-Robbins.
Toot: This is nice. It’s just like old times. You remember that time we did that thing that was so much fun?
Roger (laughs) Yeah, that was pretty fun. (grows more serious) Wow, Toot, you have not changed one bit. You’re still as beautiful as ever.
Toot: So you’re saying I haven’t grown prettier with age?
Roger: And how could I forget the way you always take things the wrong way?
Toot: (annoyed) What’s that supposed to mean?
Roger: Okay, Toot, I’ll be level with you. You want to know the real reason I broke up with you, don’t you?
Toot: Yes, Roger, I would. I can deal with being cheated on. But it’s being lied to that really hurts me. Now we’re together for three years, and then all of a sudden, I see you walking down the street with this woman I’ve never seen before and you tell me it’s over! What the hell happened there, Roger?
Roger: I promise you, Toot, I wasn’t cheating on you. When you ran into me that day, I was actually on my way to tell you the truth. That was my first date with Jessica. The only reason you hadn’t seen her before was because I’d just met her myself!
Toot: So you toss a three-year relationship completely aside for a woman you’d just met? After all we’d been through together?
Roger: I know. I’m sorry.
Toot: There’s something you’re not telling me, Roger. What is it?
Roger (takes a deep breath): All right, I’ll tell you the truth. And I know it’s going to make you upset. Just please, don’t get violent.
Toot: (grabbing up a fork) What the hell makes you think I would ever get violent?
Roger: Okay, Toot. Yes, I know we were together for three years. But the fact is, I only stayed with you that long because I was desperate and insecure and afraid I’d never find a real girlfriend. (Toot looks down in disbelief. She is more hurt than upset.) Maybe my preference wasn’t to be with you, but I thought it was better than being alone.
Toot: So you were just leading me on the whole time? You never had any feelings for me at all?
Roger: I did have feelings for you. I honestly liked you!
Toot: But you didn’t love me.
Roger: (ashamed) No, I didn’t love you.
Toot: So I was just a placeholder until you found a real girlfriend?
Roger: I didn’t intend it that way, honest. I assumed you were doing the same thing- I didn’t know you actually loved me!
Toot: So because you were lying to me, you assume I was lying too?
Roger: Look, Toot, I’m sorry. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea telling you all this.
Toot: No, Roger, you were right to tell me. I admit that the truth makes me feel even worse than I did before, but at least now I know. There’s no uncertainty. I don’t need to beat myself up anymore for messing up a good relationship. I know now that you don’t love me and you never did.
Roger: Actually, Toot- that’s not entirely true either.
Toot: (shocked and angry) But- you just said-
Roger: I said I didn’t love you then. I didn’t say I never loved you at all.
Toot: (confused) What the hell? Are you playing some cheap mind game with me now?
Roger: No, Toot, let me explain. After I broke up with you, I dated Jessica for a while. But I was never really happy with her either. I was planning to move on to someone else, but then I got to thinking about you again. I started realizing how special you were, and how much I missed you. And somewhere along the line… (He breaks off, hesitant to continue.)
Toot: You decided you did love me after all?
Roger: I know, it’s hard to believe. You have every right to be skeptical.
Toot: No, Roger, I believe you. It’s just that- well… why did you have to wait until we were broken up to find that out? If there were any real feelings there, you should at least have been able to tell something while we were still together!
Roger: I can’t explain it, it’s too complicated.
Toot: That’s okay, you don’t have to. (sighs) I’m just not sure if I want to deal with this right now with everything else I’ve got going on. (She picks up her spoon and begins eating)
Roger: Why? Is there someone else in your life now?
Toot: Well, no, but-
Roger: Toot, listen to me. I know this is probably kind of tactless of me, and after what I did to you, I can’t blame you if you don’t want to. But is there any chance- you would want to get back together?
Toot drops her spoon and looks up in alarm. Her jaw drops. A blob of ice cream falls out of her mouth.
Toot: (slightly annoyed) You didn’t. You did not just say that. You did not just ask me if I wanted to get back together! (Roger is silent. Toot begins to get flustered.) Roger, I.. I… I don’t know what to say. I mean, you’ve got to understand my skepticism, I mean, after what you did to me before.
Roger: I know, Toot. But I’ve told you, I’m really sorry about that. If you give me the chance, I can make everything up to you.
Toot: I don’t know, Roger. You’re going to have to give some time to think about this.
Roger: Take all the time you need. I’ll wait. (The camera zooms in on Toot looking troubled.)
Toot: (in confessional) I know I should have told Roger right then and there to go screw himself and get out of my life forever. But I just kept thinking back on how good those three years were we spent together. I just thought that if he could be the same guy he was then, only without the lying, things might turn out pretty great. I thought I owed it to myself to find out- even if it meant risking getting hurt again.
Cut to the group playing Monopoly.
Foxxy: (rolling dice) Come on, come on, this one’s for Ray-Ray’s special shoes! (she rolls) Ooh, thirteen!
Clara: You can’t roll a thirteen!
Foxxy: Looks like someone’s upset I didn’t land on her property! (As Clara rolls her eyes, Foxxy moves.) Community chest! You know what that means! Time for the community to show their chests!
Foxxy pulls her top off. The rest of the group looks at her, but no one follows suit. Hero and Spanky look at Foxxy with eagerness. Clara, slightly uncomfortable, looks at Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling sighs and nods, then pulls up a phantom shirt, sticking his “breasts” out.
Foxxy: There, at least someone knows how to play the game! There you go, Ling-Ling! Come on, now Ling-Ling, shake those puppies for the group! (Ling-Ling begins shaking his chest area. Foxxy begins getting into it, but Ling-Ling suddenly stops.)
Ling-Ling: Wait- that kind of weird. Ling-Ling uncomfortable being thought of as sex object. It wrong to be used and degraded for cheap sexual thrill.
Clara: (picks up and kisses Ling-Ling) That’s my Ling-Ling! (He grins.)
Toot walks through the door somewhat still in a state of shock.
Clara: Hey, Toot, what’s going on?
Toot: Not much. Is Xandir here?
Wooldoor: Yeah, he’s in his room. Why?
Toot: I just need to talk to him about something.
Cut to Xandir in his room. He is sitting on the bed with shaving cream on his feet, holding a razor. Just as he is about to begin, there is a knock at the door.
Toot: Hey, Xandir, can I talk to you for a minute?
Xandir: Sure, Toot. Come on in.
Toot: (entering) Thanks.
Xandir: So what’s up? How was therapy today? (She sits beside him on the bed.)
Toot: Oh, it was fine. It’s just that afterward- (she suddenly looks down and sees what he is doing) Um, Xandir? Are you shaving your feet?
Xandir: I have hairy feet. I’m sorry I’m not genetically perfect, okay? So what’s bothering you?
Toot: Well, after therapy. I ran into this guy I know. Roger.
Xandir: I’m guessing there’s some history here. Would Roger by any chance be your ex?
Toot: Yes. And he broke my heart, too.
Xandir: Wow, that was kind of thoughtless of him. To break your heart right after you just started therapy!
Toot: (looks at him in disbelief) He didn’t break my heart today, Xandir! I meant I just ran into him today! He broke it years ago.
Xandir: Oh, I’m sorry. So what happened today?
Toot: We went out to lunch together, and we started talking about our breakup. I asked him why he left me… and then he told me he had never really loved me in the first place.
Xandir: What a cad! If I’d been there, I’d have smacked him for you!
Toot: Wait, Xandir. There’s more.
Xandir: Oh, no. What else did he do to you?
Toot: He told me he didn’t love me before… but he loves me now. And he wants to get back together.
Xandir: Wait a minute. So first he tells you he loves you, then he dumps you. Then after you’ve broken up, he decides he does love you, then he tells you he didn’t love you then but he does love you now, and after he hurts you again, he says he wants to get back together?
Toot: Right.
Xandir: You heterosexuals are so kooky! (resumes shaving)
Toot: I don’t know what to tell him, Xandir. I mean, I do still have feelings for him, and I do think I owe him the chance to prove he’s for real about this. After all, those three years we had together were probably the happiest time of my life- even if it was all based on a lie.
Xandir: But you’re worried about setting yourself up to get hurt again.
Toot: I know I should probably cut ties with him. But I know if I did, it would kill me going through my life not knowing what might have been.
Xandir: I guess you’ll have to decide then, if your potential relationship is worth the potential heartbreak.
Toot: I’m not seeing this through rose-colored glasses. I know in my heart, he’ll probably just break my heart again. But I have to know. I don’t know why, but I just have to know.
Xandir: I guess you don’t really need my advice, then. It sounds like your mind’s made up.
Toot: Yeah, it pretty much is. I guess I just wanted to make sure that- well, that if I did end up getting hurt again- I just wanted to make sure you’d be there for me.
Xandir: I’ll always be there for you, Toot. No matter what happens. You’re one of my best friends.
Toot: Really, Xandir? (They hug.) That means a lot to me.
Xandir: Don’t even think about it. After all, if that insane obsessive crush you had on me couldn’t wreck our friendship, nothing can!
Toot: Yeah, about that. Look, Xandir, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Xandir: It’s okay, Toot, I was flattered. Annoyed as hell, but flattered.
Toot: Is it too late to blame it all on Roger?
Xandir: Not at all! (They let go. Xandir sits back up and resumes shaving.) Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t I do your feet next?
Toot: Hey, my feet aren’t hairy like yours! (She laughs good-naturedly.) You are such a girl! I can’t believe I was ever in love with you! (She playfully hits him.)
Xandir: You little scamp, I’ll get you for that! (They begin fighting playfully)
(to be continued...)