DTBL episode 5: The Return of Unusually Flexible G

[Raymond-Raymond]

THE RETURN OF UNUSUALLY FLEXIBLE GIRL

Part 1

As a voice over intones, “previously on Drawn Together”, the show opens with a montage of Unusually Flexible Girl’s previous appearance in “Captain Hero’s Marriage Pact”. The montage concludes with the final shot of the potato embedded in UFG’s face. As the montage ends, we see Hero and Wooldoor go back into the house. Toot and Clara run into the yard.

Clara: Oh my God! This poor woman! We killed her!

Toot kneels over the body.

Toot: (salivating) Potato...

She grabs the potato and eats it. She and Clara look at UFG's smashed-in face.

Clara: I don't know what she looked like before, but I can't imagine this made her face any prettier!

Toot: Hey, wait a minute! (puts her ear to UFG's chest) She's still breathing! She's still alive!

Clara: We've got to save her, then!

Toot: (calls into house) Hey, guys! Guys! Get out here! There's an unconscious woman who needs our help! (no response) Guys?

Hero: (inside house) What's that fatty going on about now?

Wooldoor: She's probably trying to get someone to go get her some ice cream or something.

Hero: Let's just ignore her.

Wooldoor: (looking back) Actually, it looks like Toot and Clara are with Unusually Flexible Girl. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear it looks like she's not dead.

Hero: Now, Wooldoor, you know she's dead. After all, didn't we hastily conclude she must dead after giving her a cursory superficial glance?

Wooldoor: Good point. Let's just go watch TV.

Cut back to the outside.

Toot: No one’s coming. I don’t think they believed us.

Clara: We’ll just have to do this ourselves. Here, help me drag her to the car.

They drag her to the end of the driveway. When they reach the curb where the garbage canisters stand, they stop.

Clara: Wait here. I’ll go talk to Foxxy and see if we can borrow the keys to her van.

Toot: Sure thing! (Clara goes back inside as Toot waits. An anxious look crosses her face.) I sure hope this poor girl is going to be all right! I would hate to think that Clara and I were responsible for her death! Wait a minute… responsible for her death… (Her look changes to one of shock.) Oh my God! We’re going to go to prison for killing this girl! Wait a minute! That’s why Clara told me to wait here while she went back in the house! She’s gonna run off while I’m standing here with the body so it’ll look like I did it all myself! That bitch, she’s gonna make me the fall! Well, Toot don’t play that game, you hear me? (She turns to UFG) Wait here!

Toot runs back inside the house. As UFG’s body lies crumpled next to the garbage canisters, a garbage truck pulls up. A garbageman gets out and empties first one canister, then the other. Finally, he looks at UFG with confusion. He shrugs, then picks her up and flings her into the back of the truck with the rest of the garbage.

Cut to inside the house where Clara is talking to Foxxy.

Clara: (shocked and slightly angry) What do you mean you don’t have the van anymore?

Foxxy: I told you, Clara, my bandmates run off with it! I don’t know where they is!

Clara: Foxxy, this is an emergency! I don’t know what else to do! We’ve got to get this girl to the hospital somehow! (Toot barges through the door)

Toot: Oh, no you don’t, Princess! Toot ain’t takin’ the fall for this! You’re in this just as deep as I am!

Clara: Toot, I am in the middle of trying to show compassion for another human being. I don’t have time for your petty selfishness and psychotic insecurities!

Toot: This is because I’m fat, isn’t it?

Foxxy: Look, Clara, it’s gonna be all right. Just bring the girl back in the house and we’ll call an ambulance.

Clara: Good idea, Foxxy. Come on, Toot, let’s go bring her inside.

Cut back to the outside. The garbage truck, with UFG’s limbs hanging over the side, pulls away from the curb. Clara and Toot dash out to discover UFG gone. They look at each other with looks of dread.

Clara: Uh, oh. (There is a long pause before Toot speaks up.)

Toot: Would this be a bad time to make a joke that she was white trash?

Clara looks at Toot with scorn.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene opens on a long shot of the house. A caption reading “Two years later” appears. The action cuts to the interior, where all of the housemates minus Toot are quietly engaged in various activities. Toot walks in, her brow wrinkled.

Toot: (in confessional) The second I woke up that day, I felt odd.

Toot: Hey, guys. Something’s wrong here. I feel strange.

Foxxy: Oh, no, Toot, are you sick?

Toot: I don’t really feel sick… just… different. Like there’s something going with me I’m not used to. Something like, oh, I don’t know, like the fact that… (suddenly becomes excited) I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW! Woohoo! Toot has finally bagged herself a honey! The losing streak is over!

Spanky: (apathetic) We’re really happy for you, Toot, congratulations.

Toot: Thanks for your warm sentiment, Spanky, I’m glad to see you’re so happy for me.

Foxxy: Oh, don’t listen to Spanky, Toot. We’s all happy for you. Marty seems like a great guy.

Toot: He sure is. And he came along at just the right time for me. I swear, if he hadn’t come along when he did, I might have done something drastic. Like kill myself.

A montage of Toot’s many suicides plays.

Xandir: Yeah, lucky for you you didn’t have to do that. We might have lost you for good.

Toot: I know! Thank God I didn’t, huh? But anyway, I’ve got a great boyfriend who’s helping me with all my various issues, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel good about myself. And best of all, nothing can *possibly* go wrong! (Spanky jumps up, alarmed.)

Spanky: Don’t say that, Toot. Don’t you EVER say that!

Toot: Why not?

Spanky: Well, for one, every time people say that, disaster always strikes. And for another, it’s MY catchphrase!

Toot: That’s nonsense, Spanky. Marty loves me, and nothing I say can change that.

Spanky: No… but something else bad might happen.

Toot: Like what?

Just then, the phone rings. Foxxy picks it up.

Foxxy: Hello, Foxxy’s Mortuary and Catering. You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em! How can I help you? (She listens, but has trouble making out what the other person is saying.) What? Who is this? Fine, I’ll tell him. (She hangs up.) Captain Hero?

Captain Hero has climbed up on the back of the couch and is holding onto Wooldoor’s arms.

Hero: You ready, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: You bet, Captain Hero!

Hero: Here I go!

He jumps off still holding Wooldoor’s arms. The arms stretch out as Hero falls to the floor with a thud.

Wooldoor: This is fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Hero gets up massaging the bruises he suffered from the fall.)

Hero: Ouch. That hurt. Well, I guess until I overcome my fear of heights, I’ll have to give up on the idea of bungee jumping.

Foxxy: (continuing to call to him) Captain Hero?

Hero: What is it, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Some girl just called here and said she was coming to see you. I think it’s one of your old girlfriends.

Hero: (smugly) Well, that sure narrows the field! (He nudges Wooldoor playfully) Eh, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Captain Hero has LOTS of girlfriends!

Hero: I think I just said that, Wooldoor. (Wooldoor looks sad) But I guess it never hurts to be sure, though, right?

Wooldoor: Right!

Wooldoor: (in confessional) Captain Hero has LOTS of girlfriends!

Hero: Come on, trusty sidekick, let’s go get prepared for her visit! I’ll show you some of the moves I’m planning to use on her!

Wooldoor: Cool!

Hero and Wooldoor leave the room. Toot walks up to Foxxy.

Toot: Hey, Foxxy, can I talk to you for a minute? I need your advice on something.

Foxxy: If I don’t miss my guess, it’s something love related right? Everybody’s always coming to the Foxxy for advice on lovin’!

Toot: Yeah. Look, this whole being in a relationship thing is unfamiliar territory for me. I’m not really sure what to do, or how to behave. I’ve finally found a guy who likes me for me, and I just want to make sure I don’t scare him off.

Foxxy: That’s sweet, Toot. But you don’t have to make it out to be so complicated. It’s really not. All you’ve got to do is love him!

Toot: That won’t be a problem, believe me.

Foxxy: And by love him, I mean, have sex with him. A lot. All the time. In fact, what the hell you doing here right now talking to me? You should be having sex with your boyfriend! (Toot is taken aback.)

Toot: That’s your advice? Have sex? I mean, the passion is nice, but I want love too!

Foxxy: And you can have it! All I’m sayin’ is if your sex life is good, the rest will fall right into place. And having sex with someone you really love is the best kind of all!

Toot: Yeah, I see that, Foxxy, but what I am asking you is how to- um, I’ll get back to you on that. (She walks off and goes over to Clara.) Um, Clara, I need to ask you about something-

She is interrupted by a banging at the door. A loud female voice calls out.

Voice: Helloooooooooooo? Is anybody there? (Spanky jumps up.)

Spanky: That must be the mail order prostitute I ordered. (Everyone stares at him.) Did I say mail order prostitute? I meant pizza. Well, actually I ordered both. It’s something new I’ve been meaning to try.

Foxxy brushes Spanky aside and answers the door. Immediately both she and Spanky are taken aback. There in all her glory stands Unusually Flexible Girl.

UFG: Hello, everyone! I’m back!

Spanky: Excuse me, ma’am? I couldn’t help noticing that you’re incredibly hot. Now being hot can be very stressful for a woman. I can help you with that. I’m specially trained at helping hot young girls deal with their hotness.

Foxxy: Back? Back from where? (UFG enters.)

UFG: About two years ago, I stayed in this house for about a week. I was visiting my boyfriend, Captain Hero. We were supposed to be married. But then (starts to sob) tragedy struck!

Spanky: Oh, no! Poor hot girl! Tell Spanky all about it! (He tries to hug her, but she ignores him.)

UFG: Before Captain Hero and I made it to the altar, I suffered an unfortunate accident. I was hit- (She breaks off, suddenly seeing Toot. She points at Toot angrily.) You! Oh my God! You were the one who hit me in the face with that potato gun!

Toot: Oh my God! It’s that weird stretchy girl! The one we left by the- (Clara suddenly clamps her hand over Toot’s mouth to make her shut up.)

Clara: (softly to Toot) Ixnay on the urdermay, comprende? (Toot nods. Clara removes her hand.)

Toot: What are you doing here? I thought you were dead!

UFG: Dead? Ha! It takes a lot more than a potato in the face to kill a superhero!

Spanky: You’re a superhero? Well, as it happens, I run a support group for young hot female superheroes, too! (He tries to hand her a card, but again she ignores him.)

Toot: (walks up to UFG and kneels in front of her.) Oh, please, stretchy girl! We didn’t mean to do it! We didn’t mean to smash your face in like that! Er, well, what I mean to say is- (She gets up and points to Clara). It was all her fault! She’s the one who did it!

Clara: Oh, you’d be a great one under interrogation, you would! (to UFG) Look, miss, I’m truly sorry about hitting you in the face with that potato gun. We didn’t mean to do it, I swear! After it happened, we felt really bad about it! We tried to take you to the hospital, but before we could get you in the house, the- (Toot clamps her hand over Clara’s mouth.)

Toot: Those who talk of garbage risk becoming garbage themselves! (Both Clara and UFG are extremely puzzled.)

UFG: Oh my God! What does that even mean? (Clara smacks Toot’s hand away.) But anyway, you guys, I know what happened. You left me by the curb and the garbage man picked me up. Boy, was that truck stinky!

Clara: At least you’re okay now. And your face looks great, by the way!

UFG: I know! Thank God! I was worried my beauty might be gone forever, but after two years of rehab and plastic surgery, I’m as good as ever! And now- I have a score to settle!

Pounding her fist in her hand, UFG walks menacing toward Clara, who begins to cower. Suddenly Ling-Ling, dormant until now, springs into action. Enraged, he rises in the air and shoots an energy ball at UFG, knocking her across the room.

Ling-Ling: You threaten Ling-Ling’s woman, you die, bitch! (As UFG looks at him in confusion, he throws another energy ball at her, immobilizing her. He hurls himself in her direction, preparing to slice her up the same way he did Toot, but just as he is about to hit her, Clara intercepts him.)

Clara: Ling-Ling, no! Don’t kill another innocent girl on my account! (Ling-Ling is still annoyed, but calms down. The energy ball dissolves and UFG gets up.) He’s really protective of me.

UFG: Oh my God, what a weird little animal. I wish I had a pet to protect me like that! (Ling-Ling’s eyes glow with rage again, but Clara begins stroking his fur, calming him down.)

Clara: Toot and I are really, really sorry for what we did. Please, please try to forgive us! (UFG’s glare finally softens.)

UFG: I guess you’re right. What’s past is past. (Toot and Clara breathe huge sighs of relief.) So anyway, where’s-

Just then, Wooldoor walks in from the other room. UFG sees him, and her face lights up immediately.

UFG: Oh my God! Wooldoor! (Wooldoor’s look is one of surprise and confusion.)

Wooldoor: Unusually Flexible Girl? (Toot and Clara look at each other and mouth the name. UFG runs up to Wooldoor and wraps herself around him.)

UFG: Oh, Wooldoor! It’s so great to see you again!

Wooldoor: I’m so happy you’re alive! I thought we’d killed you!

UFG: Oh, pfft. You didn’t think I’d go and die without seeing my adorable winged cutie again, did you?

Wooldoor: So you’re not mad about what happened? That’s a relief!

UFG: Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: So you’re back, then. Does this mean you want to-

UFG: See Captain Hero? You bet it does! (Wooldoor is disappointed.)

Wooldoor: (in confessional) I thought by now Unusually Flexible Girl would be over Captain Hero. I mean, really, what’s so great about that guy? I mean, besides his handsome face, his great body, his dynamic personality, and his completely irresistible personal charm! But maybe it was all right. Maybe she just wanted to tell him they were through.

Wooldoor: What do you want to see Captain Hero for?

UFG: What do I want to see Captain Hero for? Why, to marry him, of course!

Wooldoor: Oh, no, not this crap again.

UFG: I just don’t want to die alone like my nana! (She begins to cry. Wooldoor comforts her. Toot smiles.)

Toot: (in confessional) I know I shouldn’t have been happy at UFG’s sorrow. But seeing another woman who was as messed up as I was was just so frickin’ cool! Compared to her I’m a rock!

Spanky: (approaching UFG) Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice how worried you were about dying alone. As it happens, I run a support group for young hot superhero girls who are afraid of dying alone. (He tries to hand her a card, but she pulls back.)

UFG: Oh my God! What is the matter with you?

Just at that moment, Captain Hero walks up behind them.

Hero: Hey, Wooldoor, I was just about to take a bath, but I can’t find my rubber ducky. Have you seen it?

UFG: (turns in surprise) Captain Hero?

Hero: (in total shock) Unusually Flexible Girl?

Toot: Oh, God. Captain Incredible’s finally here. Time for the stretchy girl to get all swoony again!

UFG, however, is calm and reserved.

UFG: Hello, Captain Hero. How are you?

Hero: I’m fine, Unusually Flexible Girl. So what brings you here?

UFG: Well, I *was* planning a big announcement. But I think I might hold off on that for a while. Now that I see you again, I’m starting to remember how mean you were to me.

UFG: (in confessional) I decided to wait before telling Captain Hero I still wanted to marry him until I found out if he felt the same way. Not that it would have made a difference. I still intended to marry him all the same.

Hero: Yeah, I guess I was pretty mean to you. Oh, well, you can’t please everybody. (He pats her on the back.) Glad to see you’re still alive, though. Give me a call sometime, maybe we can hook up later. (He walks past UFG and leaves the room. UFG stands watching him go. She is on the verge of tears. Toot and Clara walk up to her.)

Toot: Don’t let him get to you. Deep down, I know he’s nuts for you.

UFG: (still sad) I guess. Maybe I need to think this thing through.

Clara: Hey, if you want to talk, we’re always available. Do you have a place to stay right now?

UFG: No, not at the moment.

Toot: You can stay with Foxxy and me. Here, just come on upstairs with us. We’ll help you unpack and have some girl talk.

UFG: That sounds nice. Thanks.

They pick up her bags and start to walk upstairs. UFG walks past Xandir and stops. The look in her eyes reveals she is immediately attracted to him.

Xandir: Hi, I’m Xandir.

UFG: I’m Unusually Flexible Girl.

Xandir: Don’t worry, I’m not going to hit on you. I’m gay.

UFG: (stares for a moment, then becomes frustrated) Dammit! (She walks off)

Cut to Toot and Foxxy’s room later that day. All four girls are sitting on the beds chatting. UFG is in the middle of a story.

UFG: So I just kept bouncing and bouncing down the stairs! It was then that I looked up at the top of the stairs and saw my hand still holding the light switch. That was when I knew I had the ability to stretch myself.

Clara: So did you ever find out who pushed you?

UFG: No, never! I don’t even know why they did it. I wasn’t even pregnant!

Toot: Being able to stretch yourself must be so cool!

UFG: And you know what the best part is? When I’m watching TV, I don’t have to get up to get the remote!

Foxxy: And I bet those stretchy powers sure come in handy in bed, huh?

UFG: You bet! If I get hot, I can open the window without getting out of bed!

Clara: So tell me, Unusually Flexible Girl. What exactly is the deal with you and Captain Hero? I mean, you’ve already told us about what happened with you two before. But why are you wanting to bring it up again?

UFG: Because! I don’t want to-

Toot: You don’t want to die alone like your nana, blah blah blah, and look at me, I’m so cool cause I can stretch myself and all the guys want me and I’m so bendy and blah, blah, blah… (Toot trails off. The other girls ignore her.)

Foxxy: What are you so afraid of being alone for?

UFG: Well, dying alone is a natural female fear! I mean, you guys are all single, right? Aren’t you guys afraid of dying alone? (They all look slightly embarrassed.)

Clara: Well, actually, Unusually Flexible Girl… I’m married.

UFG: (surprised) You are?

Toot: And I have a boyfriend.

UFG: (even more surprised) You do? (She turns to Foxxy) But you- you don’t have anybody, right?

Foxxy: Well, no, but-

UFG: There! I’m not alone after all!

Foxxy: Now hold up. I may not be married or even have a boyfriend right now, but that don’t mean I ain’t happy with my life. I know Clara here is always telling me I need to settle down and find the right guy, but to be honest, right now I’m just having too much fun with all the wrong ones. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not against romance at all. But Foxxy knows she ain’t gonna get personal with anyone but the exact right guy. No, sir, Foxxy ain’t lowering her standards for nobody! Foxxy’s drawers, though, are another story.

UFG: So what you’re all saying is that despite my fears of dying alone, I should hold off on marriage until I’m sure I’ve found the right guy.

Clara: Yes, exactly!

UFG: (rising to her feet). Well, that’s exactly what my nana said! And look what happened to her! I’m gonna be damned if I’m gonna let that happen to me too! I don’t care if he’s the right guy for me or not- I am marrying Captain Hero, dammit! And there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me! (UFG storms out. As Clara and Toot sit stunned, Foxxy gets up and starts to run out after her.)

Clara: That’s a good idea, Foxxy. Someone should go after her.

Foxxy: Go after her? Honey, there ain’t no talkin’ to that deluded psycho! I’m just runnin’ out cause I just remembered I got a casserole in the oven! Ooh, Daddy’s gonna be mad! (She leaves. Clara shrugs and turns to Toot.)

Clara: So what was it you wanted to talk to me about earlier, Toot?

Toot: Oh, yeah! I was talking to Foxxy about my relationship with Marty, and I wasn’t sure how to approach it. I like this guy and I really want it to go somewhere. How do we go about trying to form a bond like you and Ling-Ling have?

Clara: Well, Toot, forming a bond isn’t something you can really try to do. It just kind of happens.

Toot: I know. And I think we’re on our way to doing that. I guess I just need some help making sure I don’t screw it up.

Clara: Ah, I see! Well, in that case. I have some very simple advice for you. Just talk to each other, share your feelings, do nice little romantic things for each other…

Toot: (nodding along) I think I can do that.

Clara: And above all- don’t have sex. (Toot suddenly stops nodding.)

Toot: What?

Clara: Don’t have sex. It’ll really help you bond.

Toot: But… I thought sex was good for couples to have.

Clara: Oh, it is, Toot. But not right away! You should wait a while! Not having sex is one of the best ways for two people to get to know each other! After all, Ling-Ling and I didn’t have sex until we were married for three weeks!

Toot: I thought that was because you were a prude.

Clara: I am not a prude! I’m romantic!

Toot: You say potato… (Suddenly from outside the door there is a scream.) Oh, my God! What was that?

UFG: (crying) Potato! (continues sobbing very audibly)

Clara: Sorry!

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

The scene changes to the kitchen. It is the following morning. Captain Hero and Xandir sit at the breakfast table eating cereal. UFG walks downstairs.

UFG: (in confessional) Nobody believed that I was really going to marry Captain Hero. But I knew something they didn’t know. I had a way to MAKE him marry me!

Hero: (looking at back of cereal box) I’m sorry, I still don’t see him! Where on earth is he?

Xandir: Captain Hero, for the last time. Not EVERY picture of a crowd of people has Waldo in it somewhere!

Hero: That’s just what they want you to think! Oh, believe me, Xandir, I’ll find Waldo!

Xandir: Well, good luck with that. (UFG approaches the table.)

UFG: Captain Hero?

Hero: Good morning, Unusually Flexible Girl. How’s it going?

UFG: Captain Hero, I have something I need to talk to you about.

Hero: By all means, Unusually Flexible Girl. Um, why don’t we go into the living room? (She walks into the living room. Hero nudges Xandir.) I told you this was coming.

Hero: (in confessional) I didn’t know why she kept trying. I’ve already told that girl a thousand times I am never going to marry her. I don’t know what made her think this time would be any different.

Hero: Oh, well, guess I have to go break her heart yet again. (He gets up and walks into the living room. Xandir follows him. As Hero walks over and stands facing UFG, the other housemates trickle into the room.

Foxxy: (in confessional) Foxxy knew this had the potential to get ugly. She figured she’d better get the gang there to rescue this poor girl in case she made a fool of herself.

UFG: Captain Hero?

Hero: Yes, Unusually Flexible Girl?

UFG: Captain Hero, I’ll be honest. I came here with the intention of marrying you.

Hero: I figured you did. But as much as I like you, Unusually Flexible Girl, I can’t.

UFG: I’m sorry, Captain Hero, but I’m afraid you’ll have to. We made a pact.

Hero: Oh, not that loony marriage pact thing again!

UFG: A pact is a pact. You HAVE to marry me!

Hero: You can’t make me!

UFG: Oh, yes I can! You made a commitment and you’re legally bound to honor it.

Foxxy: With all due respect, Unusually Flexible Girl, Captain Hero may have said he’d marry you, but you can’t hold him to that. A promise may be sacred, but it ain’t legally binding!

UFG: Maybe not. But THIS is!

UFG whips out a piece of paper. Xandir takes it and begins reading it.

Xandir: (reading) I, Captain Leslie Hero, do hereby swear that upon each of us reaching our thirtieth birthdays, I will enter into an arrangement of marriage with… (He continues reading, then throws his arms down in frustration. The other housemates stand in disbelief.) I don’t believe this! Captain Hero, you signed an ACTUAL marriage pact? You actually signed a legally binding marriage document! How dumb can you be?

Hero: (in confessional) Note to myself. Bragging about your contract signing abilities is NOT the way you want to impress chicks.

Foxxy: Now hold up, this don’t make sense! If you had this contract, why didn’t you whip it out when you were here before?

UFG: (grabs paper back from Xandir) Because I didn’t have it then! It was at my mother’s house. You know, Unusually Jewish Woman? It was at the bottom of a box of Hummel figurines and I just didn’t feel like looking through them. Well, one day, I was helping her move, and poof, there it was! What do you have to say to that, Captain Hero?

Hero: HERE’S what I have to say to your contract! (He shoots lasers out of his eyes at the paper, causing it to disintegrate immediately. UFG sees the ashes in her hand and begins to cry.)

UFG: No!!!!! How could this happen to me? Oh, if only I’d had the foresight to make a copy! (As Hero looks smug, UFG sobs. Then she suddenly stops and smiles.) Oh, wait a minute… I did! (Immediately, Hero’s look changes to one of horror.) That paper you destroyed was only a copy. The original is safely stored away in a safe deposit box buried underneath the sports complex!

Hero: No! Dammit, you know sports are my kryptonite! (cringes) Well, Unusually Flexible Girl, it looks like this marriage is on.

UFG: See you at the altar! (Smiling, she walks off.)

Cut to Toot standing in the hallway thinking out loud.

Toot: Okay, do I have sex with him or not? Foxxy says I should. But she’s kind of a slut. Clara says I shouldn’t. But she’s kind of a prude. (thinks) Now what would Jesus do?

Clara: (from behind her door) Jesus would say not to! And I’m his best friend, I know him better than anyone!

Toot: (annoyed) Thanks, Clara. Oh, hell, maybe I’ll go talk to Spanky.

Spanky: (from behind his door) Sorry, Toot, Spanky doesn’t have a support group for mixed up freaks like you! But if you can get the redhead in the green spandex to join my support group for hot girls, I’ll let you sit in on a session!

Toot: Oh, forget it. I’ll just go talk to the only person who’s always been there for me.

Cut to Toot downstairs holding a bottle of alcohol.

Toot: You’re such a good friend, Captain Morgan!

Cut to the girls’ room. UFG is putting clothes away, smiling happily and singing to herself. Foxxy walks in.

Foxxy: Unusually Flexible Girl, can I have a word with you?

UFG: I know what this is about. You want to be my maid of honor, right? Well, I guess that would be all right. I mean, you are the only woman in this house who didn’t hit me in the face with a potato gun.

Foxxy: Tell me something. Why do you want to marry Captain Hero anyway? It’s obvious he doesn’t want to be with you.

UFG: Because! I don’t want to-

Foxxy: You don’t want to die alone like your nana, we get it. But let me ask you something. Is it really worth being with somebody who doesn’t love you just to be with somebody? I know being alone is rough, but is it really any better to spend your life chained to someone who’s only with you cause you made them? (UFG scowls, but is listening.) I understand why you’re doing this, it’s because you’re lonely and you’re afraid you’re never going to find anybody. But getting married isn’t a relationship. It’s just a legal commitment. A relationship is when you have a real emotional connection with somebody. If you get married without love, you’re never going to find that connection with anybody.

UFG: But if I know I’m never going to find that connection anyway, then I might as well get married after all so I can at least have someone to share my loneliness with. Right?

Foxxy: (sighs) You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.

UFG: I’ve heard every word you’ve said, Foxxy. But I don’t care. I am marrying Captain Hero and that’s my final word on the matter! (She walks out. In the hallway, she encounters Toot returning to her room.) Oh, hi, Toot. Tell me, would you like to be my maid of honor?

Toot: Maybe. I can’t really focus on that right now. I kind of have something else on my mind.

UFG: Oh, don’t tell me you’re having relationship problems too!

Toot: Yeah, how did you know?

UFG: What’s your problem?

Toot: Well, I’ve spent most of my life being rejected by guy after guy. Just recently, I finally found one who accepts me and likes me, and I just don’t want to mess it up.

UFG: Yeah, that sounds pretty complicated. What is it you’re thinking about?

Toot: Well, I was trying to figure out how to make sure we build a firm foundation for our relationship, and I wasn’t quite sure how to do that. Foxxy says I should have sex with him as often as I can, but Clara says I shouldn’t have sex with him at all. I don’t know what to do! I mean, they both kind of make sense.

UFG: Do you love each other?

Toot: Yes.

UFG: Then what are you worried about?

Toot: What do you mean?

UFG: You’ve already accomplished the hard part! All you have to do at this point is just relax and take things as you feel them. Just make sure you’re both in the same place and you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Toot: Wow… I guess you’re right. Thanks, Unusually Flexible Girl! I’m going to go call Marty right now! I’ll see how he feels and then we’ll take it from there. Thanks again for your help! (She goes back into her room.)

UFG: Wow, I sounded pretty convincing there! I almost believed that myself!

Just at that moment, there is a knock from inside the guys’ door. UFG turns toward it confused.

UFG: Who is it?

Wooldoor: It’s me, Wooldoor. Can I talk to you for a minute?

UFG: Sure, Wooldoor. But why are you knocking on your own door from inside the room?

Wooldoor: I know you knock on someone else’s door so they’ll let you into their room. I heard you out there in the hallway, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to signal you to let yourself into my room.

UFG: Oh, I see, Wooldoor! That makes a lot of sense! (She opens the door and enters Wooldoor’s room and sits down on the bed.) What is it, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: I need to talk to you about this Captain Hero situation. I don’t think you should marry him.

UFG: Wooldoor, no! Don’t try to talk me out of it! I’ve already told everyone in this house a million times I will not die alone like my nana!

Wooldoor: But why are you so hung up on Captain Hero? There are other guys in the world, you know.

UFG: None who would ever want me!

Wooldoor: I might. (She turns to him sharply with a gleam in her eye.)

UFG: You mean that, Wooldoor? YOU still want to marry me?

Wooldoor: No. (UFG turns away in disgust.)

UFG: Why did I even bother talking to you?

Wooldoor: Unusually Flexible Girl, I may not want to marry you, but I do like you a whole lot. I’m just not sure I like you enough to get married.

UFG: Thanks for nothing.

Wooldoor: But what I was thinking is, instead of rushing into marriage, maybe the two of us could just try going out together sometime and getting to know each other?

UFG: Getting to know each other? You mean like, forming a connection with each other first?

Wooldoor: Yeah.

UFG: You’re right, Wooldoor! Now that I think about it, I’m an intelligent, attractive woman with a lot going for me.

Wooldoor: You bet you are! So are you gonna rip up that contract?

UFG: Sure, what the hell. I’m going to give this dating thing a try. Who knows, maybe I’ll like that even better than marriage. (They both smile. UFG gets up.) Wooldoor, tell Captain Hero to meet me downstairs in an hour. I’m going to make a quick trip to the sports complex.

Cut to the living room an hour later. UFG stands holding the contract in front of Hero. The rest of the group is gathered around them.

UFG: Captain Hero, I’m still upset at the way you treated me. But just to show you how much your friendship means to me, I’m going to tear up this contract. (She tears it up.) You are no longer obligated to marry me.

Hero: Thank you very much, Unusually Flexible Girl. You know, to be honest, it wasn’t that I was completely against the idea of being with you. I just don’t think it’s right to force someone to love you.

UFG: I agree, Captain Hero. I’m sorry it took me so long to see that.

Hero: So I guess here we are, two single people once again.

UFG: That’s right. (They stand silently for a minute.)

Hero: So let me ask you something, Unusually Flexible Girl. Would you be interested in… going out sometime?

UFG: Captain Hero, I’d love to.

Hero: (smugly) Excellent!

UFG: But you’ll have to wait your turn. (She pats Wooldoor on the head.) This little yellow heartthrob is first in line. (Hero’s jaw drops wide open.) Ta, ta, Captain Hero!

She walks off. Hero stands there still stunned. He gives Wooldoor a confused, angry look. Wooldoor shrugs and smiles. The scene cuts over to UFG about to ascend the stairs. Spanky stops her.

Spanky: Hey, Unusually Flexible Girl?

UFG: What is it, Spanky?

Spanky: Can I be after them?

Foxxy: Goddammit! I thought I was supposed to be the sex symbol of this house!


THE END