DTBL episode 6: Twelve Steps to a Happy Dysfunctio

[Raymond-Raymond]

TWELVE STEPS TO A HAPPY DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where Spanky and Hero are chatting.

Spanky: Julia Roberts.

Hero: Yes.

Spanky: Cameron Diaz.

Hero: Definitely.

Spanky: Angelina Jolie.

Hero: Absolutely I would!

Spanky: Charlize Theron.

Hero: Oh, yeah, I'd be all over her!

Spanky: Britney Spears.

Hero: Oh, I'd give it to her so bad she couldn't walk the next day.

Spanky: Brandon Routh.

Hero: Hmmmm. Well... he is strong and rugged... and certainly well-built. Nope, you know what, Spanky? I could totally kick his ass too!

The doorbell rings. Hero answers it to find a police officer standing in front of him.

Hero: Can I help you?

Cop: (looks at Hero disapprovingly) I doubt it. But I’ll ask you anyway. We’ve recently had a rash of burglaries in the area. You know anything about that?

Hero: (nervous) Of course not, why would I? I have nothing to hide! It’s not like I go around sneaking into people’s windows through their flower beds! (The cop looks down at Hero’s boots, which are covered in dirt.) And I can assure you, officer, that I most certainly do not have my way with the women of the house while they’re sleeping!

Cop: The women of the houses you don’t sneak into.

Hero: That’s right!

Cop: We’ve also had some reports of a suspicious character in a blue cape flashing little girls at the local elementary school. You know anything about that?

Hero: Not at all! And I’m sure he was just doing it to teach them about anatomy. Young girls have to learn about the male body, you know?

Cop: He’s been flashing little boys too.

Hero: Just giving them something to aspire to! After all, with proper diet and exercise, those little boys can grow up to be as well hung as me! I mean, as that guy. Whoever he is. Who’s definitely not me.

Cop: Uh huh. Sir, would you mind accompanying me to the station? (slaps handcuffs on Hero’s wrists)

Hero: This is an outrage! Do you have any idea who I am? I’m Captain Hero, for crying out loud!

Cop: You’re Captain Hero?

Hero: Yes.

Cop: Captain Leslie Hero from Planet Zebulon?

Hero: That’s right!

Cop: Hang on. (He goes outside. He returns with a can of pepper spray and numerous additional restraints which he begins locking Hero up in.) I had to get some bigger cuffs!

Hero: Hey, what’s the deal?

Cop: We’ve got a rap sheet on you a mile long, Captain Leslie Hero. Or should I say, Martina Christina Alexander?

Hero: How the hell did you know my porn name? Um, not that I’ve ever made a dirty movie or anything!

Just then, Toot walks down the stairs and sees what is going on. She immediately runs to Hero and the cop.

Toot: Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is going on here?

Cop: Police business, ma’am. Nothing for you to concern yourself with.

Hero: Toot! Save me!

Toot: Look, I know this man’s done a lot of bad stuff. He even stole my barrette one time. But he’s basically a good guy, I promise. Can’t you let him go? (The cop looks at Toot.)

Cop: Well, that depends, ma’am. How much do you want to save your friend?

Toot: (flirtatiously) A lot. (She begins rubbing her finger on his shoulder.)

Cop: Well, what say you and I get in the back of my squad car and we work something out?

Toot: Sounds like a plan, big boy!

Spanky: This is messed up in more ways than one. Toot, what the hell are you doing? Are you forgetting you have a boyfriend?

Toot: Oh, pfft. Marty won’t care. He likes it if I snog random guys.

Cop: (putting his hands on Toot’s shoulders) Hey, I’m not some random guy!

Toot: I know! You’re Supercop!

Cop: With extraordinary powers of… seduction. (They begin kissing. Spanky realizes what is going on and rolls his eyes.)

Spanky: Hey, Marty. Making an inconspicuous entrance like usual, I see. (Toot and Marty ignore him and keep kissing.) You’re busy. I’ll come back. (He leaves. On the way out he passes Clara coming in.) Look out, Clara. The love birds are at it again.

Clara: Thanks for the warning, Spanky. I’ll be sure to steer clear of that! (Spanky leaves. Clara walks over to Toot and Marty and watches them kiss.) Ohhhhhhhh… that’s so sweet. You guys are such a cute couple, you know that? (She smiles, then begins to walk back in the kitchen. On her way, she encounters Captain Hero in restraints on the floor. She gives a questioning glance for a moment, then shrugs and walks off.)

Hero: Look, you guys, isn’t there anything I can do to get out of this? Can’t I buy a bunch of tickets to the policemen’s ball?

Marty: (to Toot) Hasn’t he figured out I’m not a real cop yet?

Toot: He’s not too bright, to be honest with you. (Marty turns to Hero.)

Marty: I’ll make you a deal, Captain Hero. I’ll let you go and give you a bunch of free tickets to the policemen’s ball if you’ll invite me to the superheroes’ ball.

Hero: I’m afraid the laugh’s on you, buddy! Superheroes don’t have balls!

Marty looks at Toot as if to say, “You’re right.” They walk off, leaving Hero on the floor still struggling with his restraints. Hero writhes around for a minute, then comes upon the can of pepper spray Marty left.

Hero: Aha! Pepper spray! I’ll use this to lubricate these handcuffs and I’ll be able to free myself!

He tries to activate the spray with his head, but ends up getting a blast right in his face. He recoils for a moment and winces, but then stops. A big smile crosses his face. With a gleam in his eye, he hits the spray again and gets another blast in the face. He begins breathing heavily.

Hero: Oh yeah! Oh baby that’s the stuff! (He keeps hitting the spray, becoming more and more excited with each dose he receives.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

It is the next day. Clara and Foxxy are in the living room. Clara is busy prepping herself, making sure she looks good.

Foxxy: What you doing, Clara? You got a big date tonight or something? I thought you were off that meat market!

Clara: As it happens, I do have a date, Foxxy. Ling-Ling is taking me to lunch today.

Foxxy: Oh, Clara, it’s nice you want to look good for Ling-Ling, but he don’t care! I’m sure he loves you no matter how ugly you look!

Clara: (offended) Thanks, Foxxy! That’ll do wonders for my self-esteem!

Foxxy: No, I mean you don’t have to pretty yourself up for Ling-Ling. He doesn’t care how you look.

Clara: Oh, please. You honestly think it was my personality he fell in love with? (As she continues prepping, the doorbell rings. Toot suddenly appears and answers it. Her face lights up.)

Toot: Marty!

Marty: Hello, Toot. (They hug each other and begin kissing.)

Foxxy: Uh oh. Looks like Deep Throat and Studmuffin are at it again.

Clara: Why are you being so cynical, Foxxy? I think it’s adorable!

Foxxy: Oh, come on, Clara. Do you mean to tell me you’re not even a little bit jealous of them?

Clara: Jealous? Why would I be jealous?

Foxxy: For one thing, Toot doesn’t have to pick up Marty when she wants to kiss him.

Clara: Oh, pfft. I don’t mind picking up Ling-Ling at all. Even if it hurts my back a little sometimes.

Foxxy: And when she gazes dreamily into his eyes…

Clara: (swoony) Oh, yes…

Foxxy: She’s always looking *up*!

Clara: Hey, I can look up into Ling-Ling’s eyes! When he hovers above me. Of course, when he does that, he’s usually angry and about to go into battle mode. But I don’t care. Just looking at them is enough.

Foxxy: And it’s a LOT easier for them to have sex with each other!

Clara: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Foxxy: That’s because you is Clarapatra, Queen O’ Denial!

Clara: Sorry, Foxxy, I don’t know who you’re talking about. I don’t watch blaxploitation films.

Foxxy shrugs and walks off. As Clara looks at Marty and Toot again, suddenly a sad, questioning look crosses her face.

Clara: (in confessional) I wasn’t sure what Foxxy was talking about. But now that I thought about it, the idea of Toot and Marty together suddenly made me sad, and I didn’t know why that was. I honestly couldn’t think of anything they had in their relationship that I didn’t have with Ling-Ling. I wasn’t aware of anything I could be missing out on. But still, I had this funny feeling inside. But I tried not to worry about it. It was probably just that burrito I had for breakfast.

Cut to the restaurant where Clara and Ling-Ling are enjoying their meal. Ling-Ling is telling Clara about his day.

Ling-Ling: And then Ling-Ling say, “That what you think, red big-eyed monster!” So he hurl energy ball at beast, then tear all it stuffing out!

Clara: So what happened after that?

Ling-Ling: Manager tell Ling-Ling he not allowed in Toys R Us anymore. Scare children.

Clara: Well, that sounds cute, Ling-Ling. And I don’t blame you for ripping that monster’s guts out. To be honest with you, I’ve always found Tickle Me Elmo pretty creepy myself!

Ling-Ling: Someday Ling-Ling want to take on biggest menace in all of toy store: skinny blonde bitch known as “Barbie”! (Clara laughs)

Clara: You are so irrepressible, Ling-Ling! I’d hate to ever get on your bad side.

Ling-Ling: Carla never get on Ling-Ling bad side. He love princess no matter what she do.

Clara: Well, that’s very sweet of you, Ling-Ling. We really do have the perfect partnership!

Ling-Ling: Yeah. Much better than Toot and Marty!

Clara: Exactly! Toot and Marty. (Suddenly, the worried look returns to her face.)

Ling-Ling: Carla? You okay?

Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling, I’m fine. I think.

Clara: (in confessional) Why was I suddenly so hung up on Toot and Marty? Honestly, they were a cute couple, but what was so much better about their relationship than ours? It’s cute that they’re at that stage of love where they can’t keep their hands off each other. That stage where they’re first getting to know each other and experiencing that whole rush of excitement that comes with a new relationship. I mean, sure, it may be true that Ling-Ling and I never had a proper courtship, coming together suddenly as we did and getting married before we were ever even in love, meaning that consequently we can never experience that rush ourselves, but that shouldn’t matter! Right?

Cut to the guys’ bedroom that evening. Spanky and Xandir are chatting while Wooldoor sits on his bed watching them.

Spanky: Jennifer Aniston.

Xandir: No way!

Spanky: Michelle Pfeiffer.

Xandir: Not a chance! I told you already, Spanky, I’m gay!

Spanky: Orlando Bloom.

Xandir: Still no dice, Spanky! Gays don’t believe in violence!

There is a knock on the door. Clara enters.

Clara: Guys? I hate to interrupt the party, but it’s Wooldoor’s bedtime. (Xandir and Spanky get up. Spanky stands in the doorway while Xandir walks over to his own bed.)

Wooldoor: Awwwwwwww! Will you read me a bedtime story, Clara? My book’s on the bedstand.

Clara: I’d be glad to, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love bedtime stories! (As Clara picks up the book, a look of concern crosses her face.)

Clara: I’d be glad to read you a bedtime story, Wooldoor, but if you don’t mind, I think I’ll use a different book. I don’t think (looks at book) Our Bodies, Ourselves is an appropriate bedtime story for you.

Wooldoor: What are you talking about? That’s not my book! I had The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe on my nightstand! Someone must have switched it! (Spanky snickers.)

Clara: Now who could have done that? (Still snickering, Spanky leaves. Xandir walks over to Clara and Wooldoor holding a book.)

Xandir: Hey, guys? Does anyone know what happened to the book I had on my bedstand? I went to get it just now, and someone left this copy of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe there instead. (Clara stares at Xandir in confusion.)

Cut to downstairs. Toot and Marty are sitting on the couch watching television. The remote is on the table to Marty’s left.

Toot: Clara hates this movie.

Marty: I hate it too.

Toot: Yeah, I don’t care for it myself. (Neither, however, makes a move for the remote, continuing to watch the movie.)

Marty: So tell me, Toot. Your housemate Clara. What’s the deal with that fortune cookie cat thing she carries around with her?

Toot: You mean Ling-Ling? That’s her husband.

Marty: Her husband? Boy, how drunk was she?

Toot: Believe it or not, they actually love each other.

Marty: (looks at Toot seductively) Personally, I think she could do a lot better.

Toot: You mean like I did?

Marty: Exactly! (Their eyes lock. They move toward each other to kiss when Toot suddenly springs up in her seat.)

Toot: Ooh! I just remembered! My favorite show is on! Give me the remote!

Marty: I’m not feeling up to it. Why don’t *you* hand *me* the remote?

Toot: Very funny. I’ll get it myself, then. (She reaches across Marty to get the remote, but just as her body is right on top of his, she stops.) Or maybe I’ll just think of something to do more fun than television!

Marty: Now, Toot, haven’t I told you there’s a time and a place for that kind of thing?

Toot: Yes.

Marty: And what did I say?

Toot: That the time is anytime, and the place is anywhere!

Marty: Exactly. Now kiss me, you fool! (They do so. Clara comes downstairs again and sees them. She stands and stares at them, not knowing what to say or do. After a moment, Toot notices she and Marty are being watched.)

Toot: Hey, this ain’t no damned peep show! Get the hell out of here!

Marty: Or pay us ten dollars for a ticket!

Clara: (embarrassed) Sorry! (She scurries out. Toot and Marty resume.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Clara: (in confessional) I couldn’t deny it any longer. Toot and Marty’s relationship was bothering me. And it bothered me that it was bothering me! I mean, what is this thing I’m feeling? This thing that makes me suddenly feel like Toot is better off than me. And makes me resent her for it. What is this emotion I’ve never felt before? (gasps) Oh my God. I just realized it. I, Princess Clara… was jealous! And of TOOT, no less! What on earth is wrong with me? Toot is the most jealousy-crazed person in the world- and now I’M jealous of HER! God’s going to create an extra level of hell for me! (becomes slightly more calm) I knew I needed some spiritual guidance, fast!

Cut to Wooldoor dressed as a priest. Clara sits in front of him.

Clara: Thank you for seeing me like this, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Any time you have a religious crisis, Clara, that’s what I’m here for. (He motions to a plate of cookies.) So anyway, why don’t you have a cookie and tell me all about why you’re going to hell.

Clara: Recently I’ve been having these… feelings. Feelings I’ve never felt before.

Wooldoor: Say no more. I understand.

Clara: You do?

Wooldoor: It’s always difficult when a person first realizes they’re gay.

Clara: (shocked) I’m not gay!

Wooldoor: It’s okay, Clara. Denial is the first stage of coping with the problem.

Clara: Really, Wooldoor, that’s not it.

Wooldoor: I can see why it would be especially difficult for you, given how you feel about homosexuals. But really, Clara, it’s okay, God doesn’t judge you for that!

Clara: Yes, he does! Homosexuality is a sin and I’m going to burn in hell for- wait, no. That’s not what I’m talking about. The feelings I’ve been having, Wooldoor… are jealousy. I’m jealous of Toot and her relationship with Marty. I’m not used to being jealous of anybody, Wooldoor. I don’t know how to handle it!

As Clara and Wooldoor continue to chat, the camera cuts to a pile of shirts in the corner of Wooldoor’s room. The shirts suddenly start to move. Ling-Ling pokes his head out of the pile and sees Clara talking to Wooldoor. He starts to go over to them, but stays where he is when he realizes they are talking about him.

Wooldoor: Is something going on with you and Ling-Ling?

Clara: No, not at all. Ling-Ling’s been absolutely wonderful to me. But somehow I’m still sad inside. I feel like Toot and Marty have something I could never have with Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling is visibly disappointed.) They’re going through that wonderful period where love is new to them and they’re just discovering each other. I don’t think there’s anything Ling-Ling and I have left to discover. All the surprises are gone. (Ling-Ling stares at them, not moving.) I don’t know what to do.

Wooldoor: Do you think you’re drifting apart?

Clara: Not at all. We’re as close as we ever were. I still love Ling-Ling, more than life itself. I couldn’t bear to part with him. I just wish I could get rid of this feeling that I’ve missed out on something. (Ling-Ling, sad, collapses back into the pile of shirts. Xandir walks into the room and goes over to his bed, ignoring Clara and Wooldoor.)

Wooldoor: Is this a relationship problem, Clara? When you came to me, you told me you were having a crisis of faith.

Clara: I am, Wooldoor. You know, I think a lot of the problem is that it’s Toot. As long as we’ve all been in this house together, we’ve always held Toot up as an object of scorn and ridicule. No matter how bad I felt about myself, I could always look at Toot and say, “Well, at least I’m not her!” I could see envying Foxxy. But envying Toot- there’s something just not right about that! I’m sorry, I don’t mean it to sound like I don’t like Toot. Really, she’s just as good a person as the rest of us. I guess when you have a certain image of somebody, it’s hard to let go of that. Maybe that’s the whole reason this thing is eating me up inside.

Wooldoor: I think you’re right, Clara. And I think we both know what you need to do.

Clara: I need to talk to Toot! (She hurriedly gets up and leaves. Wooldoor is looking up, oblivious to the fact Clara is gone.)

Wooldoor: We need to role-play! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I’ll be Toot and Captain Hero can be Marty! (Xandir comes over to Wooldoor holding a laundry hamper.)

Xandir: Hey, Wooldoor, I’m about to do laundry. You got anything you want me to wash?

Wooldoor: Oh, yeah! Could you get that pile of shirts in the corner?

Xandir: Sure thing! (Xandir picks up the pile of shirts with a surprised Ling-Ling still buried in them, throws the pile in the hamper, and walks out with it.)

Cut to Toot and Marty in her room.

Marty: And that’s where babies come from!

Toot: Wow, I didn’t know that! That time I wanted a baby and I was trying everything in my power to get pregnant- all I had to do was go to Wal-Mart and pick one up?

Marty: That’s right! K-Mart sells them too- but you definitely don’t want a K-Mart baby. I mean, who knows where that thing’s been. (As Toot laughs, there is a knock on the door.) Ah! Room service is here! (He opens the door to see Clara standing there.) Hmmph! You don’t even have a cart! You know, I’m not sure if I care for this hotel!

Clara: Very funny, Marty. May I speak with Toot for a minute? Alone?

Marty: Well, I suppose. It’s not like we’re joined at the hip or anything.

Toot: We’re not getting that operation done until next week! (laughs)

Marty: I’ll see you downstairs. (He leaves. Clara walks in and closes the door. She sits down on the bed.)

Toot: What is it, Clara?

Clara: Toot, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not proud of this, but seeing you and Marty so happy together has been difficult for me to deal with.

Toot: Why? Do you not want me to be happy?

Clara: No, I do, Toot. Really I do. And I think that’s part of the reason this has been so difficult for me. After you’ve being kicked around by life so much, you deserve to have something wonderful like this happen for you. I just wish I weren’t so jealous about it.

Toot: Jealous? This doesn’t make any sense. *You’re*… jealous of *me*?

Clara: That’s right, Toot, I am. And I feel terrible about it.

Toot: What do you even have to be jealous about? Look at what you’ve got with Ling-Ling!

Clara: I know. I really love Ling-Ling, and he’s been nothing but wonderful to me. But somehow, I still envy you guys. You’re experiencing love in a way I never will.

Toot: What? Do you have burritos for brains or something? You’re married to a wonderful person who’d do anything in the world to make you happy! What could I possibly be experiencing that can compare to that?

Clara: Well, it’s the rapport you have with each other. The way you’re so enamored of each other. (Toot is still confused. Clara pauses.) It’s the way you’re building a relationship. Ling-Ling and I never did that. You and Marty are starting from the ground up building a foundation. You’re experiencing every little bit of that wonderful road that leads to love and a truly happy partnership. Ling-Ling and I have that, but we skipped a lot of steps. And it saddens me knowing I’ll never get to experience those steps. We got married before there was ever even a relationship. Now you and Marty- you guys can look forward to that wonderful day when you realize you want to spend the rest of your lives together. Ling-Ling and I were already committed to that before we realized how we feel about each other.

Toot: Wow. I never knew you felt this way. I never knew you *could* feel this way. I’ve been so jealous of you ever since I first came to this house. I never dreamed I could ever have something you didn’t.

Clara: You have lots of things I don’t, Toot.

Toot: I had no idea you were so insecure inside.

Clara: Being a princess may give me wealth and power, but I still have to struggle with human emotion. Now you, you’re free to express yourself however you feel. But I’ve been taught my whole life to hold everything in. That it wasn’t dignified for a princess to have a bad mood. Really, there’s nothing worse than having to smile when you just don’t feel like smiling.

Toot: So this wasn’t just about Ling-Ling, then.

Clara: I suppose not. I guess you and I aren’t that different after all.

Toot: No, we’re not.

Clara: You know, sometimes I feel like we’re the only two around here who aren’t comfortable in our own skin.

Toot: Yeah, that’s true. And it has to be worse for you, feeling like you have to hide it. (Clara nods.) Well, anyway. Look, Clara, I don’t really know what to tell you about Ling-Ling. But I know your happiness means the world to him. I’m sure if you talk to him, he could find some way to take these doubts off your mind.

Clara: I hope so, Toot. I hope so.

Toot: Now what say you and me go downstairs and have some ice cream!

Clara: Ice cream? A princess doesn’t drown her sorrows in ice cream!

Toot: No, I suppose she doesn’t.

Clara: Which is why I’d be glad to join you in some! Come on, Toot, let’s go have us two giant heaping bowls of ice cream!

Toot: Yay!

Cut to Marty walking past the laundry room. He is struck by a loud rumbling noise inside. Foxxy passes him in the hallway.

Marty: Um, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Yes, sugarbritches?

Marty: Sugarbritches?

Foxxy: You know, sweetpants! Honeydrawers! Frostytrousers!

Marty: Yeah, I’ll pass on the nickname, thanks. (points to laundry room) Um, do you know what that sound is in there? (They are quiet as the rumbling continues for a minute.)

Foxxy: Sounds like someone left some change in their pockets when they did their laundry!

Marty: Change wouldn’t make *that* big a noise!

Foxxy: It might. You know in Africa, they used to use big stone tablets as their currency!

Marty: And someone apparently forgot to take this big stone tablet out of their pants when they did the laundry.

Foxxy: I guess that does sound a little implausible.

Marty: Yeah! This week on Obvious Statements Theater…

Foxxy shrugs and walks off. Marty walks into the laundry room where the washing machine appears to be going haywire.

Marty: I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to do that.

He stops the machine and opens the lid. A very dazed Ling-Ling crawls out.

Marty: Oh my God, it’s that little orange cat thing!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have name! It Ling-Ling! (Marty pulls Ling-Ling out of the washer and sets him down on top of it. His fur is wet and damp.)

Marty: How did you get in there? Is this how you take a bath?

Ling-Ling: Ha, ha. Very funny. (glares at Marty) Ling-Ling want to know what the big idea is!

Marty: What are you talking about.

Ling-Ling: You! You give Carla doubts about her relationship! She think you and land whale happier than Carla and me!

Marty: Carla? Who’s Carla? (suddenly realizes) Oh, you mean Clara! What do you mean, having doubts about her relationship?

Ling-Ling: She see how happy you and Toot are and she afraid she not that happy!

Marty: Well, then, you’ll just have to do something to convince her she *is* that happy!

Ling-Ling: Like what?

Marty: I don’t know. But you should talk to her. After you get dry, of course. (Marty reaches for a hair dryer, but Ling-Ling brushes him off.)

Ling-Ling: No, hair dryer not fast enough. Make Ling-Ling fur all matted. He have to dry quicker.

Marty: How are you going to do that?

Ling-Ling: (sighs) Ling-Ling know way. (He turns on the dryer, then hops inside and closes the door. We hear him screaming as we see him rattling around inside it.)

Cut to the kitchen where Toot and Clara are happily eating ice cream.

Clara: I’m serious, Toot. When I lived in the castle, I wasn’t allowed to date at all! I wasn’t even allowed to talk to boys! No wonder I’m so bad at it.

Toot: I guess if we combined my spunk and your class, we’d have the perfect personality!

Clara: I guess so. (sighs) Well, I guess I need to go talk to Ling-Ling now. I’m feeling a lot better, though. Thanks, Toot.

Toot: Don’t mention it! We’ll have to do this more often!

Clara: You bet!

Clara walks back through the hallway. She runs into Ling-Ling coming out of the laundry room. His fur is very poofy. She sees him and laughs.

Clara: Oh my God, Ling-Ling! (she picks him up) What happened to you? You look like a plush doll!

Ling-Ling: It new look Ling-Ling trying. What Carla think?

Clara: I think it’s adorable, Ling-Ling. But look, there’s something I need to talk to you about.

Ling-Ling: Yeah. Ling-Ling agree. (She takes him back into the laundry room and sets him down on the washer again.)

Clara: Ling-Ling, I feel bad for some things I’ve been thinking lately.

Ling-Ling: Stop. Before Carla go any further, Ling-Ling have something to say to her. (Clara is attentive.) Ling-Ling think he and Carla need to get a divorce.

Clara: (stunned) A divorce? Ling-Ling, why?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hear Carla upset she not go through all the steps. That why Ling-Ling say we get divorced. Tear it up and start from beginning. Do it again and do it right. We start all over building relationship again. Make sure to hit all the steps this time. Go through first love, first kiss, all that chop suey. Then when we feel we ready, get married again. Make it work this time. (She looks at him, touched.)

Clara: Wow, Ling-Ling, I can’t believe you would do that for me. But you know what? It’s not necessary. I don’t care if we never had a proper first date, or if our first kiss was the one we had at our wedding. It doesn’t matter how many steps we had to go through on our journey to love. What matters is that we got there. And you want to know something else, Ling-Ling? I told Toot I was jealous because we’d never have that happy moment where we realized we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. But I was wrong. I’m having that moment right now. And it feels wonderful. (Ling-Ling smiles.) Ling-Ling, I know the fact that we’re married kind of makes this already implied, but I just want to say it. Ling-Ling, I want to spend the rest of my life with you! (She hugs him.) Wow, Ling-Ling! You’re so cuddly when you’re like this! However you got your fur to do this, we’ll have to do this more often!

Ling-Ling: You got it, Carla!

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling better make sure his medical insurance paid up!

Clara picks up Ling-Ling and walks back into the living room with him. She is cuddling him, clearly basking in the glow of her newfound epiphany. Toot and Marty are sitting on the couch watching TV again. Toot turns and looks at Clara and Ling-Ling. Marty notices her looking at them.

Marty: What is it, Toot?

Toot: (sighs) Oh, it’s nothing.

Marty: Toot… are you jealous of Clara and Ling-Ling now?

Toot: (laughs) Well… maybe. I guess it’d be pretty nice to have a boyfriend I could pick up and carry around with me and cuddle like a teddy bear.

Marty: Well… if it’s what you really want…

Marty, curling up to the best of his abilities, jumps in Toot’s arms.

Marty: Now carry me!

Toot: (laughing) Marty, you scamp! (Clara walks over to Toot and Marty.)

Clara: Hey, you guys. Ling-Ling and I were going to get some dinner. How would you guys like to join us?

Marty: Sounds great! Why don’t we get Chinese food? (Immediately Ling-Ling’s face is infused with a look of panic.) Whoops! Sorry, little guy. How about Italian instead?

Toot: Perfect! Let’s go!

The four walk out the door together. After the place is empty for a moment, Captain Hero comes bounding into the room as best he can, still in his restraints.

Hero: Okay, this was fun, but now I really need to go to the bathroom. Can somebody let me out, please? Guys?


THE END