DTBL episode 7: Fishnets of Desire

[Raymond-Raymond]

FISHNETS OF DESIRE

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the bathroom, where Hero and Wooldoor stand in front of the mirror. Wooldoor stands motionless holding a glob of something in his hand while Hero stands behind him giving him a stern look.

Wooldoor: (in confessional) It was going to be a fun night. The producer had managed to score us some $1 off drink coupons from Club Foot, so we decided to celebrate by all going to the club together!

Wooldoor: But, Captain Hero, I don’t want to!

Hero: Just do it, Wooldoor! We promised we’d take you clubbing with all of us, the least you can do is practice good hygiene.

Wooldoor: But my skin is fine! I don’t need it!

Hero: Just put the lotion on anyway! Okay? Just to be safe.

Wooldoor: I really think it’s my decision.

Hero: Dammit, Wooldoor, I’m not going to tell you again! It puts the lotion on its skin… or else it gets the hose again! (He points off to the side, where the camera pans to reveal Xandir standing with a menacing look on his face, holding a large fireman’s hose which he points at Wooldoor.)

Wooldoor: All right, fine. (He begins putting the lotion on.) So, Captain Hero- are you going to be taking a date with you to the club tonight?

Hero: Of course not, Wooldoor! How can I pick up chicks if I’m already with one? The last time I did that, she got mad. (He picks up a cup marked “water for brushing teeth” and begins drinking out of it.)

Wooldoor: Oh, good.

Hero: Why do you ask? (He drinks again.)

Wooldoor: Because then you won’t mind if I take Unusually Flexible Girl.

Hero immediately does a spit take, spewing a torrential stream of water across the room. The water hits the wall and shoots back at Xandir.

Xandir: Aagghhh! (The water knocks Xandir off his feet and carries him out the door like a tidal wave.)

Hero: (angry) You’re taking Unusually Flexible Girl to the club? How dare you! Have you no respect for my feelings for her?

Wooldoor: But you haven’t taken her out on one date since she came back. You haven’t even called her.

Hero: I’ll call her when I’m ready, thank you! Until then, I don’t want any other guys talking to her!

Wooldoor: Well, that kind of sucks for HER! What’s she supposed to do, wait around while you make up your mind whether you want her or not?

Hero: All right, Wooldoor, I’ll make a deal with you. You can take her to the club tonight provided you let me take her home, got it?

Wooldoor: That’s fine with me, but shouldn’t that be her decision?

Hero: (gasps in shock) Wooldoor! Don’t tell me you’ve turned into one of those people!

Wooldoor: You mean, people who respect women?

Hero: Precisely! (Wooldoor shrugs.) Now come on, Wooldoor, let’s go get dressed. (The two file out together. On their way back to their room, they pass a dazed Xandir, crumpled up in the hallway.)

The scene changes to the living room an hour or so later. Hero, Xandir, and Ling-Ling sit on the couch, wearing the same outfits they wore to the club in “Clum Babies”. Wooldoor is off to the side dressed in similar attire.

Xandir: So where is everybody else? It’s time to go!

Hero: Dude, why are you dressed like a cowboy?

Xandir: This is what cool guys wear to show off their rugged masculinity!

Hero: Oh, I see! So the gay biker outfit must have been taken already! (Xandir sneers.)

Foxxy: (from offstage) All right, you guys, Foxxy is here and she ready to dazzle!

The group turns to the stairs to see Foxxy coming down. She appears to be dressed in the same clothes she always wears.

Xandir: Wait, so… you didn’t dress up?

Foxxy: Of course I did! Foxxy got a new tattoo!

Wooldoor: Where? I don’t see it!

Foxxy: It’s on my ankle!

Xandir: But you’re wearing knee-high boots. We can’t see your ankles!

Foxxy: Maybe not *now*… (She smirks)

Spanky: (entering) All right, all right, you guys, I guess it’s gonna be all up to Spanky to give this group some pizzaz!

They turn and look at Spanky, who is dressed as Daddy the pimp from “A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special”. Everyone chuckles and looks at each other, trying to resist the urge to bust out laughing.

Hero: Wow, suddenly Xandir’s outfit doesn’t seem so gay after all.

Spanky: Laugh all you want, you guys. This is what they wear in the cool parts of town!

Hero: That’s true. I hear it does get pretty windy on street corners. (They laugh.)

Xandir: Hey, back off you guys, I think Spanky looks great in those clothes!

Spanky: Thank you, Xandir.

Xandir: So tell me, will Starsky and Hutch be joining us tonight or will it just be you, Huggy Bear? (Spanky scowls. From offstage, we hear Toot’s voice.)

Toot: Hello, boys!

The group turns to look at Toot. She is wearing a very low-cut dress with fishnet stockings. The guys are all in disbelief.

Xandir: Speaking of things you’d find on street corners… (Toot walks to the center of the room and stands in front of Hero.)

Toot: So what do you think, fellas?

Hero: (his eyes bugging out) Wow! (Suddenly, a look of concern crosses his face. He turns to the others.) Did I just go, “Wow!” to TOOT? (Toot smiles, her look one of extreme satisfaction.)

Spanky: I have to hand it to you, Toot, you look hot!

Toot: Thank you, Spanky!

Spanky: The skank look really suits you! (Toot scowls.)

Xandir: (turns to Ling-Ling) So, Ling-Ling, are you excited? (He nods enthusiastically.)

Spanky: What’s the big deal? He goes to the club all the time.

Ling-Ling: Yes, but this is Ling-Ling’s first time taking Carla with him. It will be like completely new experience for him.

Spanky: I don’t know. It’s hard for me to imagine Clara clubbing. I just don’t see her fitting into that whole scene.

Ling-Ling: Just you watch, Spanky. Carla prove everyone wrong. She totally make club her bitch.

Clara: (offstage) Oh, Ling-Ling, I’m ready!

Clara enters the room dressed in a fancy ballgown, similar to the one worn by Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Everyone in the room is shocked.

Clara: So how do I look? (Everyone is silent for a moment. Finally, Spanky begins snickering.) What is it?

Foxxy: Um, Clara, not to sound dense, but… why are you wearing a fancy gown?

Clara: Ling-Ling told me we’d be going dancing tonight. Back in the castle, this is what one always wears to a dance! (Spanky continues snickering. Ling-Ling shoots Spanky a menacing glare, then turns to Clara.)

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla look absolutely beautiful. Ling-Ling proud to be seen with her.

Clara: Well, thank you, Ling-Ling! At least someone has some taste!

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) At least Ling-Ling know other guys not hit on Carla if she dressed like fairy godmother.

Clara: So anyway, I’m ready to go if you guys are!

Toot: You guys can go ahead without me. Marty will be picking me up in a few minutes.

Clara: No problem, Toot. So anyway, I thought we could- (suddenly sees how Toot is dressed) Oh, Toot, no!

Toot: What?

Clara: Toot, are you sure you want to be seen in public like that?

Toot: Why, what’s wrong with me?

Clara: Well, you’re dressed like you have the morals of a stray dog in heat.

Toot: Again, I repeat. So what’s wrong with me?

Clara: So that whole acting like a lady thing- you’ve just given up on that?

Toot: Well, I could always borrow a pair of Foxxy’s boots to go with my ensemble.

Clara: Toot, you’ve got to learn! Just say no to pantyhose! (The doorbell rings.)

Toot: Anyway, that’ll be Marty now. And thanks for your concern, Clara, but really, I’ll be okay. (The rest of the group file out. Marty enters.) Hey, there, Marty!

Marty: Hey, Toot! So what do you- (sees how Toot is dressed) Wow!

Toot: Hee hee! You like it?

Marty: I would have to say… no.

Toot: No? What do you mean no? Don’t you think I look sexy like this?

Marty: Well… no! To be honest, I think that outfit makes you look like a slut!

Toot: What, so you don’t think I’m attractive?

Marty: I think you’re extremely attractive! But it’s in spite of those clothes, not because of them! Could- could you change them, please?

Toot: (shocked) Why should I change them?

Marty: Because! Guys are going to be staring at you!

Toot: Well, duh!

Marty: And that doesn’t bother you?

Toot: I want to look attractive! Look, Marty, I’m not planning on actually hooking up with any of these guys. I just think it’ll be kind of nice to have them drooling over me for once!

Marty: But why do you want other guys drooling over you? I’m your boyfriend! Aren't I the one you should want to impress?

Toot: You don’t own me, Marty. It’s my decision, and I’ll wear what I want to wear!

Marty: Okay, look, I can let the dress go. You’re walking the fine line between sexy and skanky with that dress. But please, take off the fishnets! The fishnets put you two steps over the line.

Toot: Well, then step step! With God as my witness, I will not under any circumstances take off these fishnets! And you can quote me on that!

Marty: Out of all the things to take a stand for, you pick stockings. That’s messed up.

Toot: I’m going to the club like this, Marty. And if you’re so bothered by the way I look, maybe you shouldn’t come with me!

Marty: Well, maybe I won’t!

Toot: Fine! I’m leaving! You can just stay home alone!

Marty: I will! (Toot walks out, slamming the door in a huff. Marty walks over and starts to sit down on the couch, but then pauses.) Wait a minute! I don’t live here! (He walks out.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene opens on an exterior shot of Club Foot, then the scene cuts to inside the club. The housemates enter.

Foxxy: Oh, there you go! They’re playing my song!

Spanky: This is your song?

Foxxy: Hey, this is my home turf! Every song is my song! I feel like hitting the floor and getting me some action!

Spanky: Yeah, some action sounds pretty good to me, too! I think I’ll hit the dance floor with you, Foxxy! I’m just dying to show off my moves to the ladies.

Foxxy: Come on, Spanky, let’s go attract us some honeys!

Spanky: Yeah. Let’s go get jiggy with it! Or whatever one does these days.

Foxxy and Spanky find a spot on the dance floor. Foxxy quickly determines where the attractive men are standing and positions herself where they can easily see her.

Foxxy: All right, boys! The show starts now! Foxxy is officially in the house!

Spanky walks over to an attractive woman.

Spanky: Hey, hotness. That’s a beautiful outfit you’re wearing!

Woman: Why, thank you!

Spanky: It’ll look even better in a ball next to my bed in the morning!

Woman: You are such a pig!

Spanky: Indeed I am! Would you like to dance?

Woman: Um… I think I hurt my leg earlier, so I can’t really dance right now. Why don’t you show off some of your moves, and I’ll go get my hot single friends to watch you!

Spanky: Oh, yeah, Spanky’s gonna score! (As Spanky continues to dance in his pimp outfit, the woman runs out of the club. We then hear car wheels screeching as the scene cuts to Hero and Wooldoor entering with UFG.

UFG: Wow, you guys, this place is so cool! It’ll probably be even cooler once we start drinking!

Hero: So what say we hit the dance floor, Unusually Flexible Girl? I’m dying to see YOUR moves!

UFG: You bet, Captain Hero! Come on, Wooldoor, let’s dance!

(UFG and Wooldoor walk off while Hero stands back stammering.)

Hero: Um, that wasn’t what I meant. Um… you’re supposed to be dancing with me, UFG! Me, Captain Hero, you got that?

He looks out on the floor and sees UFG dancing, her body twisting and turning, and using her stretching powers for all kinds of impressive, unusual dance moves. At one point she twists the rest of her body while her feet remain in place. Wooldoor tries to emulate her moves, but falls down. UFG picks him up and continues dancing while holding Wooldoor and swinging him around.

Wooldoor: This is fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hero looks away, annoyed.

Hero: Pfft. Whatever.

Cut back to the club entrance. Ling-Ling and Clara have now hit the scene.

Clara: Wow, Ling-Ling. This place is nothing like I imagined it would be. We never had dances like this back at the castle. (Ling-Ling nods.) And what are these strange sounds we’re hearing?

Ling-Ling: It called music, Carla.

Clara: Music? It can’t be music. I don’t hear any instruments!

Ling-Ling: It called techno. Remind Ling-Ling later and he show you what it all about.

Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling. Well, I’m not quite sure how we would go about it in this type of place, but would you like to dance?

Ling-Ling: You bet! Nothing can distract Ling-Ling from first dance with Carla. (She smiles and takes his hand. Ling-Ling sees someone across the room, then quickly takes off. He walks up the person; it is his friend Steve from Long Island.)

Steve: L-Dog! My man, what’s shaking!

Ling-Ling: What up, Steve?

Steve: I haven’t seen you round here in ages! What’s been going on?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling meant to tell you. He not come to club in a while. He too busy at home with new wife.

Steve: Oh, man, don’t tell me! The busiest player outside a Snoop Dogg video actually let himself be tied down! I can’t believe that! (Clara walks over to the pair and picks up Ling-Ling. Steve pulls his sunglasses down and looks at Clara.) Or maybe I can. You would be Mrs. Ling, I presume?

Clara: (shakes his hand) That’s right. I’m Clara. Otherwise known as Ling-Ling’s wife.

Steve: Well, I’ve got to say nice job, little man! You really bagged yourself a winner! Even if she does like a greeter at Disneyland.

Clara: What are you telling him nice job for? (She hugs Ling-Ling.) If you ask me, I’m the lucky one to have landed such a little hottie!

Steve: You got that right! Before you came along, L-Dog was quite the object of desire! He had more women than your average hip hop party!

Clara: (slightly concerned) What?

Steve: Oh, excuse me a minute, I think I see someone I know. Catch you guys on the flip side! (He leaves.)

Clara: Ling-Ling, what did he mean by that?

Ling-Ling: Flip side is slang term we use in club. It mean-

Clara: No, I mean, what did Steve mean when he said you had lots of women before me? (Ling-Ling looks at her, not quite certain what to say. Just then, they hear a female voice calling.)

Woman: Oh, Ling-Ling… (They turn. A group of several beautiful, scantily dressed women gather around Ling-Ling.) Oh, Ling-Ling, I can’t believe you’re back! God, how long has it been?

Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling spending time with other woman.

Second woman: Don’t tell us we’ve got competition for your affection now!

Woman: I guess we’ll just have to remind you where your heart lies!

Ling-Ling: Really, Ling-Ling know where heart lies. (Ling-Ling’s protests go for naught, however. The women pick up Ling-Ling and carry him off. Clara stares after them with a look halfway between worry and anger. Ling-Ling tries to indicate through his gestures that he doesn’t want the women’s attention, but is unable to do anything.)

Cut to UFG dancing. Steve walks up to her, followed closely by Captain Hero. UFG recognizes Steve.

UFG: Oh my God! Steve! It’s great seeing you again!

Steve: Hey, Mandy. What’s up?

Hero: Mandy? Who’s Mandy?

UFG: I’m Mandy! You know, Mandy Goldberg? My real name? I do have an identity besides Unusually Flexible Girl, you know!

Wooldoor: Wait a minute. All this time you never even knew UFG’s real name? I mean, you went to college together. You dated each other for like, ever! You even had all kinds of nasty-

Hero: I’m sorry, Wooldoor, okay? So I don’t pry into each little intimate detail of my girlfriends’ private lives! Does that make me a bad person? (Wooldoor shrugs. Hero walks off.)

UFG: So anyway, where have you been all this time, Steve?

Steve: I’ve been here! (UFG laughs. Steve responds with a look of confusion.) Did I say something funny? (Steve looks across the room and sees Foxxy dancing.) Excuse me. I think I see a new piece of fruit that’s just ripe for the picking! (Wooldoor and UFG shrug and resume dancing.)

The scene cuts to Foxxy, who has now been joined by Toot. Foxxy is moving freely, obviously getting into the rhythm. Toot moves awkwardly, very obviously trying to show off her body with moves bordering on striptease. As she dances, Foxxy looks up at the men standing around her. They are completely ignoring her.

Foxxy: Something’s wrong here, Toot. Foxxy’s putting out her bait, but the menfolk don’t seem to be bitin’!

Toot: (without stopping dancing) Maybe they’re drunk.

Foxxy: But drunk guys is Foxxy’s bread and butter! Never mind! If they wants to play hard to get, Foxxy just gonna have to get harder! (Foxxy shifts from her rhythmic movements into something far more suggestive. She begins touching and groping herself with moves seemingly lifted straight out of a porn movie. The men still aren’t paying attention. She sighs.) Well… it looks like Foxxy is gonna have to resort to her secret weapon! Or should I say… weapons! (She grabs the side of the top she’s wearing. Just as she is about to pull it off, Steve approaches. With a gleam in her eye, she turns her attention to him.) Well, hey there, sugarbritches! You like what you seein’?

Steve: Damn straight!

Foxxy: The name’s Foxxy Love, sugar. What’s yours?

Steve: I’m Steve. So, Foxxy-

Foxxy: (flirting) Yes?

Steve: You going to introduce me to your friend over there? (He points to the side. Foxxy turns, and is horrified to discover he is pointing at Toot.)

Foxxy: What? Toot? You like Toot? Ohhhh, my God, Foxxy has hit a new low! Fine. I’ll introduce you to her. (She grabs Steve’s arms and drags him over to where Toot is dancing.) Steve, this is Toot. Toot, this is Steve.

Toot: Well, hello, big boy!

Steve: You’re not so bad yourself, sweetness! (Foxxy throws her arms up in disgust and heads off as Toot and Steve continue to flirt.)

Cut to Clara still puzzling over Ling-Ling, watching the women swarm around him. A man comes up to her.

Man: Hey there! So who are you supposed to be, Tinkerbell?

Clara: (still focusing on Ling-Ling) No. Go away. (Another man comes up to her.)

Second man: Man, check out those threads! You ain’t dressed like all those other girls! You really got your own style! You is cutting edge, you know that? You is the shizizzle!

Clara: (perplexed) I am not the- (realizes she has no idea what the man is talking about) The WHAT? (Another man approaches her.)

Third man: Oooh, what do you know, it’s my fairy godmother! Are you here to grant me three wishes? (Clara ignores him completely and continues looking at Ling-Ling. The women are putting their hands all over him.) Um, excuse me, Cinderella, I’m talking to you! (Clara still does not look at him. She sees one of the women slowly trace her finger down the front of Ling-Ling’s body, coming oh so close to his intimate areas. Clara becomes incensed. The man, tired of being ignored, steps in front of her.) Okay, look, Jane Eyre, now I understand if you ain’t into it, but there’s a thing called courtesy, you know?

Clara: (enraged) Get the hell out of my way! (She violently shoves the man aside and starts to charge after Ling-Ling. The man, however, won’t have any of it, and grabs her back.)

Third man: Look, lady, I’ve tried to be polite, but if you keep salting my game like this, I’m gonna have to be firm.

Clara: Ow, let go of me! (She tries to pull away, but the man’s grasp is too tight.) Somebody help! (Xandir walks up to her.) Oh, Xandir, thank God!

Xandir: (He grabs the guy’s arm.) Hey you- get your damn hands off her!

Third man: Trust me, fella, you don’t want to fight me. Cause I’ll- (He suddenly sees how Xandir is dressed. A big grin crosses his face.) Oh, dude, you have got to be kidding me! That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! (He lets Clara go as he doubles over in laughter. As the man continues busting a gut, Clara and Xandir walk away.)

Clara: Thank you for rescuing me, Xandir. I really owe you one.

Xandir: Hey, no problem. (They look back at the man still laughing.) What does he find so funny anyway? Like he takes one look at my outfit and suddenly he can’t control himself!

Clara: I know what you mean! I’ve been getting the same thing all night! Is there something weird about the way we’re dressed?

Xandir: Not that I can see. We seem completely normal to me! (The camera lingers on a shot of Xandir in his cowboy getup and Clara in her ball gown against the backdrop of the club and all the patrons in trendy attire.)

Clara: Well, again, Xandir, thank you for helping me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go murder some foul temptresses. (Xandir walks off. Clara walks over to the table where Ling-Ling and the ladies were seated, only to find they have gone. A look of shock crosses her face.) NO!!! Oh my God, what have those witches done with my poor baby?

Toot: (in the best Australian accent she can muster) Maybe the dingo ate your baby!

Clara: Thank you, Elaine! (She turns to Toot, who is dancing with Steve.) You know what, Toot, I shouldn’t call you Elaine. You’re not as good a dancer! (Toot looks mildly annoyed, but continues dancing.)

(to be continued…)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut to the bar where Hero sits drowning his sorrows. A mildly depressed Foxxy comes up to him.

Foxxy: What’s going on, Captain Hero?

Hero: Not much, Foxxy.

Foxxy: I gather it’s not going too well tonight.

Hero: Oh, gee, whatever gave you that idea?

Foxxy: So what’s the problem?

Hero: Look out there! (He points to the floor where UFG and Wooldoor are dancing.) I mean, look at them! Look at me! I’m an excruciatingly handsome superhero and yet she chooses to spend all her time on the dance floor with Wooldoor!

Foxxy: Well, maybe there’s more to it than that, Captain Hero. Maybe she just likes him. You know, maybe she relates to Wooldoor on a personal level.

Hero: Personal level? What’s that?

Foxxy: Captain Hero, what are you so upset about anyway? So what if she picked Wooldoor over you? He’s a good guy!

Hero: He’s a yellow thing with bat wings and a doorknob on his butt!

Foxxy: He’s a sweet guy with a great personality. And he treats her a lot better than you ever did.

Hero: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Foxxy: She couldn’t have meant that much to you, Hero! Otherwise you would have never let her go. You had plenty of chances if you’d wanted her.

Hero: I know, Foxxy. I planned to go to her when I was ready. I guess I just always assumed she’d wait for me.

Foxxy: I know she’s a sweet girl, Hero, and it feels bad losing her. But somewhere out there there’s another person for you. Someone you’re going to love even more. Someone who whenever he or she comes along-

Hero: She! Just she, all right? (points to the back) It’s not true what’s written on that bathroom wall in there!

Foxxy: Someone who whenever she comes along, you’re not going to treat bad. Cause she’s going to be someone who means so much to you, the very thought of her being unhappy is going to hurt you so much you’d do anything to keep that from happening.

Hero: Maybe you’re right, Foxxy. I guess I’m just not used to having to wait for what I want. (Foxxy nods.) So what’s your story? You’re not exactly a wallflower yourself. I thought for sure you’d have hooked up with some guy by now.

Foxxy: I thought so too. I guess the Foxxy is losing it.

Hero: Oh, that’s insane! You’re one of the sexiest women I’ve ever known. And I’ve known a LOT of sexy women! What makes you think you’re losing it?

Foxxy: I’ve been dancing out there all night, and I haven’t heard one single lewd, disgusting, or degrading remark this whole time! The guys are more interested in Toot, if you can believe that!

Hero: (looks around eagerly) Oooh, Toot! Is she still wearing that dress? And those fishnets?

Foxxy: You see what I mean? This is the kind of crap I’m talking about.

Hero: Maybe both of us aren’t as sexy as we think.

Foxxy: Yeah. Well, maybe I’m not. You still fine and dandy!

Hero: Oh, please. You’re just humoring me. YOU are the hot one! (She smiles.)

Foxxy: Oh, you come off with your bad self! (She smacks him playfully, then thinks for a second.) Hey, Captain Hero, I have an idea.

Hero: What’s that, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Why don’t you meet me in the coatroom in a few minutes and we’ll have some fun.

Hero: What kind of fun do you mean?

Foxxy: (in disbelief at Hero’s ignorance) You know what kind of stuff happens in the coatroom between a man and a woman!

Hero: What? They hang up coats?

Foxxy: (annoyed) Never mind! (she walks off, muttering) Stupid jackass superhero! Thinks he’s so great cause he can fly!

Cut to Toot on the dance floor, where she is now joined by Spanky. A crowd of men has gathered around Toot and are staring at her.

Toot: Damn, Spanky, I am hot stuff tonight! I guess everyone wants a piece of Toot!

Spanky: Yeah. They’re waiting until it falls out of that dress. Not to ruin your moment, Toot, but aren’t you worried about your boyfriend?

Toot: Marty’s welcome to come back to me as soon as he stops being a poopoohead.

Spanky: Poopoohead? (thinks) You’d think I’d have something sarcastic to say about that, but I don’t. (By this point, the men have moved in closer to Toot. One of them steps right in front of her as she dances.)

Man: Well, hello, hot stuff!

Toot: You’re not so bad yourself, handsome!

Man: That’s a very sexy dress, if you don’t mind me saying!

Toot: I don’t mind at all! I think so too!

Man: You know, most of the women at these clubs I’m just trying to picture naked. I just want to thank you for making my job easy for me! (Toot begins to look a little uncomfortable. Spanky looks at the man with disdain.)

Toot: Um… thanks. Um… why don’t you go get me a drink?

Man: You got it! (He leaves. Another man walks up to Toot.)

Second man: (smiling smugly) Hi, there.

Toot: Hi. What’s your name?

Second man: Hugh!

Toot: Hugh what?

Second man: Hugh G. Rec-

Spanky: Okay, now that’s enough, slimeball! Why don’t you watch your language? There’s a lady present!

Second man: Oh, yeah, she’s a real lady all right! I mean, she’s got her boobs hanging out and she’s wearing fishnet stockings! Just like my high school English teacher!

Spanky: That doesn’t matter. You’re still making my friend uncomfortable. Now why don’t you take a hike, okay, pal? (He leaves. Toot turns to Spanky.)

Toot: Spanky, what the hell is happening here? I wanted guys to think I’m sexy, not one of those cheap five-dollar hookers!

Spanky: Hold on just a second. Where the hell do you come from that the hookers are five dollars? (The first man returns holding a drink.)

Man: Here you go, babe, just like you asked!

Toot: (taking the drink) Thanks! (She begins drinking.)

Man: Yeah, there you go, just drink up!

Toot: (very confused) Why?

Man: Why else? The more you drink, the better my chances of scoring! (Toot is appalled.)

Spanky: All right, that’s enough out of you! Now all of you, just leave the lady alone!

Man: Oh, yeah? Says who?

Spanky: My friend Jack. Jack Daniel’s, that is! Why don’t you try some right now? (He unzips his pants and begins urinating on the men. Finally, they flee in disgust. Spanky zips his pants back up and turns to Toot.) You okay?

Toot: (by now covering her breasts) I think so. Thanks for helping, Spanky.

Spanky: Anything for a friend.

Toot: Could you do me one more favor, though, and get me my coat?

Spanky: You didn’t bring a coat.

Toot: Dammit!

Spanky: But I’ll get you one anyway! I saw this room in the back where they have all kinds of them!

Toot: Um, Spanky, I think those coats all belong to people!

Spanky: A minor technicality. I’ll be back in a few. (He walks off.)

Clara: (in confessional) I spent the better part of the night looking for Ling-Ling. I walked all over the club, I checked around outside, I even walked around the block several times, but I still couldn’t figure out what those godless heathens had done with my darling husband. Finally, my poor feet just couldn’t take it anymore.

Clara walks up to a chair and sits down, tired and worn out after looking everywhere for Ling-Ling. She pulls one of her feet up onto her lap and rubs her ankle. She takes her pump off and looks at it.

Clara: Why the heck do I wear these things everywhere anyway? (She puts the shoe down beside her, then takes the other shoe off as well. She collapses back in the chair. Foxxy comes up to her.) Hey, Foxxy, what’s going on? You get some yet?

Foxxy: Clara, can I talk to you for a minute? I need some advice.

Clara: (suddenly alert) YOU need MY advice? That’ll be a change! Ooh, this is going to be fun! What’s your problem?

Foxxy: Clara, I just got rejected.

Clara: Wow!

Foxxy: By Captain Hero. (Clara’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets.)

Clara: CAPTAIN HERO rejected you? That’s… that’s not scientifically possible! Captain Hero doesn’t have that emotion IN him! He would have sex with a retarded monkey with leprosy if the monkey was willing! In fact, he’d probably do it even if the monkey wasn’t willing!

Foxxy: So you’re comparing me to a retarded monkey with leprosy?

Clara: Oh, I’m sorry, Foxxy. You’ve got to cut me some slack. I’m new at this whole advice thing.

Foxxy: I understand, Clara. It just gets me, though. All my life I’ve been the sex symbol and now all of a sudden all the guys in the place is looking at Toot instead of me!

Clara: Well, of course they’re all looking at Toot! Guys always look at you when you dress like a complete slut!

Foxxy: (motions Clara to look at her) Helloooooo! What do you call THIS?

Clara: I’m sorry, Foxxy, I don’t think of you as a slut.

Foxxy: Well, thank you, Clara.

Clara: I think of you as a whore!

Foxxy: Be that as it may. I’m just a little distressed right now. I mean, what would you think if you suddenly realized people didn’t think you were beautiful anymore? That may be fine for you, since you’ve got a husband who would love you even without your looks. But what about when you’re like me, and your looks are all you have?

Clara: That’s nonsense, Foxxy. Looks aside, you’re possibly the nicest, wisest, dearest friend I’ve ever known. Any guy would be damn lucky to have you.

Foxxy: Thanks, Clara.

Clara: Look, Foxxy, I think this is nature’s way of telling you it’s time to settle down. Get off the meat market! So what if the guys aren’t hooting and hollering at you anymore? You’re still attractive. Now’s when you need to stop having random sex with strangers and find one guy who will appreciate you as a person. It’s time for you to find love, Foxxy. Not just sex. Actual love.

Foxxy: That’s all well and good, Clara. But how am I supposed to find love when I can’t even get a guy to talk to me anymore?

Clara: I’m sorry, Foxxy. I wish I knew what to tell you.

Foxxy: It’s not your fault, Clara. You know, all my life, I’ve always had the answers to people’s problems. I just can’t believe when I finally have a problem of my own, I’m completely stumped. (Still depressed, she gets up and walks away. Clara looks sadly after her.)

Hero: (in confessional) I was still bummed about what was happening between Unusually Flexible Girl and that other person. But all the same, I was intrigued by what Foxxy was saying. I had to find out about this so-called “coatroom”.

Cut back to Clara, who has resumed rubbing her sore feet. Hero walks over and sits down beside her.

Hero: Clara, can I talk to you for a minute?

Clara: Ooh, you need advice too? Wow, two in a row!

Hero: Two in a row? What are you talking about? I mean, I know what that phrase means when *I* say it, but considering that you have- what were those things called again? Oh, right, morals- I’m willing to bet you don’t mean the same thing.

Clara: I only meant that Foxxy was just here asking for advice too.

Hero: Hmm, interesting you should mention Foxxy. She asked me to meet her in the coatroom later. Do you have any idea what she meant by that? (Clara’s eyes grow wide.)

Clara: Oh my God, you don’t know? (Hero shakes his head.) Wow, suddenly I know more about sex than Captain Hero does! That’s like, the one thing he’s an expert in!

Hero: Sex? Is that what it was about?

Clara: Yes, Captain Hero! Don’t you get it? Foxxy wanted to hook up with you!

Hero: You mean… I, Captain Hero, failed to recognize a sexual invitation?

Clara: I know! Usually you assume everything is a sexual invitation! Like whenever the woman says… “Good morning.” Or… “Hi.” Or… “Get off me, you gross disgusting pig!”

Hero: I do have a very deductive mind! So why was I so dense this time?

Clara: Well, could it be… maybe you’re starting to think of something besides sex. Maybe you’re starting to realize you want something longer lasting.

Hero: Actually, I can go at it a really long time as it is.

Clara: No, I meant maybe you’re starting to want something deeper.

Hero: Oh. You mean like, dirtier sex!

Clara: No, Captain Hero, dammit, I’m not talking about sex at all! I think maybe you’re starting to realize it’s love you’re after. And I don’t mean love as a synonym for sex; I mean love as in, being attached to someone emotionally, without hormones being involved.

Hero: Well, normally I’d dismiss your rambling for the claptrap it probably is, but in this case… I feel like I should listen to you. I think you might actually know what you’re talking about.

Clara: Um… thanks.

Hero: No, I mean, you’re one of the most mature people I know, especially where sex is concerned. After all, you’re the only person in the house I haven’t slept with!

Clara: You mean, I’m the only woman you haven’t slept with.

Hero: Um… oh, yeah, right. But you know, Clara, maybe you’re right. In all the time I’ve known Unusually Flexible Girl, all I ever wanted from her was sex. I didn’t care about love at all. And now…

Clara: And now that you think you might finally want her for something other than sex, she’s with Wooldoor.

Hero: So what am I supposed to do, then? I lose either way.

Clara: Captain Hero, there are more women in the world besides Unusually Flexible Girl! Like Foxxy, for instance!

Hero: Foxxy? What’s she got to do with this?

Clara: Captain Hero, not five minutes ago, I went through this same exact issue with Foxxy. Now you two really have a lot in common. And I know you’re attracted to each other… And I think you might even like each other if you’d give it a chance. So why don’t you go talk to her?

Hero: Wow, Clara, you’ve really opened my eyes. Thanks a lot.

Clara: No problem, Captain Hero!

Hero: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go talk to Foxxy Love and possibly take the first step toward the first truly meaningful relationship in my entire life!

Clara: There you go!

Hero: By banging her in the coat room! (Clara’s enthusiasm dampens.)

Clara: Do what you’ve got to do, man! (Hero walks off. Clara rolls her eyes as she turns away.)

Cut to the bar where Xandir and Steve stand chatting.

Xandir: But that’s when I decided I had to quit wearing the pink vest with this clubbing outfit. That just made me look silly! (Hero walks up to them.)

Hero: Hey, guys. Have you seen Foxxy?

Xandir: Sorry, Hero, we haven’t. Why?

Hero: Never mind. If she comes by, could you give her a message for me? Tell her I’ll be in the coatroom after all.

Xandir: Why, do you need to go hang your coat up?

Hero: Never mind. Just tell her.

Steve: You got it, dog! (He walks away. Steve turns to Xandir.) So how did the leg warmers come into the picture?

Clara: (in confessional) I didn’t know what to do about Ling-Ling. I was at the end of my rope. I knew I needed to keep looking for him, but my feet hurt too much to put those uncomfortable shoes back on. And I didn’t trust that floor to walk around without them. Spanky probably urinated on it. I didn’t actually see him do it, but with Spanky, that’s always a safe assumption to make. But anyway, I was really in a conundrum!

Clara: (looking up) Please, I know I don’t ask you for much! Okay, that’s wrong, I ask you for all kinds of stuff, but I try to pay you back for it! (clasps her hands together) If you’ll give me back my Ling-Ling, I promise I’ll go to church every week! Okay, I’d probably be doing that anyway, but- come on, cut me a break! (Defeated, Clara buries her face in her hands. Just at that moment, she feels a tug on her dress. She turns around to see Ling-Ling standing there, extremely frazzled but still in one piece.)

Ling-Ling: It okay, Carla. Whatever bothering you, Ling-Ling make it better.

Clara is happy almost to the point of tears. She grabs Ling-Ling and hugs him so tight she almost smothers him.

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, you already have! (Ling-Ling beams proudly as Clara continues hugging him for a moment. Suddenly she puts him down and her expression changes to one of anger.) Now, then. You’ve got some explaining to do, buddy!

Ling-Ling: Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Carla?

Clara: You, carrying on with these horrible devil women, these immoral Jezebels!

Ling-Ling: I not want their attention, Carla! Only want you now!

Clara: Well, according to your little friend Steve, before you got married, you did this kind of thing all the time! Now you know how I feel about that kind of thing, Ling-Ling! To think, I actually married someone with a history of treating women as objects!

Ling-Ling: You know Ling-Ling popular with ladies before he get married. He tell you that already.

Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. I guess I just never realized how popular you really were.

Ling-Ling: If Ling-Ling could go back in time, he not hook up with any of those women. But he can’t. All he can do now is let Carla know she only woman Ling-Ling ever want to be with again.

Clara: I guess you’re right, Ling-Ling. I guess it’s not fair for me to hold the past against you. And really, I’m kind of honored that out of all the women you’ve been with, you chose me to give your heart to.

Ling-Ling: You should be honored. Ling-Ling quite a catch!

Clara: Apparently so! (Ling-Ling puts his arms around Clara’s neck. Finally, they kiss.)

Cut to Xandir and Steve still at the bar. Foxxy walks up to them.

Steve: But how did you get through all the hair, that’s what I want to know!

Foxxy: Hey, guys, mind if I join you?

Xandir: Mind? Hell yes, we mind!

Foxxy: What the shoobazzle has gotten into you, Xandir?

Steve: That guy friend of yours came by. Said something about wanting to meet you in the coatroom. (Foxxy’s eyes light up.)

Foxxy: Oh he did, did he? I guess he finally came around. Foxxy’s dry spell may not last the night after all! (Her swagger returning to her hips, Foxxy walks off in the direction of the coatroom. Xandir turns back to Steve.)

Xandir: So anyway, you were saying I should shave it, and THEN put butter on it?

Steve: Right!

Toot: (in confessional) Suddenly my dream of being adored by a large crowd of men had turned into the nightmare of an only partially welcome peep show! Guys just kept hitting on me, each more creepy and disgusting than the last. I never thought that one day, I, Toot Braunstein, might actually have standards!

Cut to Toot on the dance floor again. She is now wearing a coat, but the fishnets are still very prominently displayed.

Man: Hey, pasty face, what say I squeeze that little marshmallow of yours?

Toot: No! Go away!

Second man: What’s up, cream puff, can I curdle your girdle?

Toot: I don’t even know what the hell that means. But no!

Third man: Hey there, you black and white heartthrob! You in the mood to get colorized?

Toot: (on the verge of tears) Oh, would you guys just leave me alone?

Fourth man: Hey, Toot, can I talk to you for a minute?

Toot: I keep telling you I’m not one of those girls! Despite how I’m dressed! Would you just- (She suddenly sees who the man is who is now talking to her. She immediately throws her arms around him.) Marty! Oh, Marty, thank God you’re here!

Marty: I guess I got here just in time. Sounds like you’ve had a pretty rough go of it tonight.

Toot: I have. Oh, Marty, I can’t believe what a nightmare tonight has been.

Marty: It’s okay, Toot. I won’t let anything else happen to you. Come over here and sit down and we’ll talk. (She nods gratefully. Marty addresses all the men still standing nearby.) And the rest of you sleazeballs, get out of here! Go back to your mom’s basement and look up more internet porn, you bunch of wankers! In the real world, women have feelings, you know!

He puts his arm around Toot and walks her to a chair and sits down with her.

Marty: Toot, look. I just wanted to say I was sorry for what I said earlier tonight. I had no right to try to tell you how to dress. I guess maybe I was trying to possess you. Your friends tell me guys never used to pay much attention to you. I suppose now that you’re finally getting some attention, I can’t blame you for wanting to enjoy it.

Toot: Thanks, Marty. I was obsessed with making myself an object of desire at the club tonight. I should have realized I already was one. You were right, Marty. Your attention is the only attention I need. (He smiles, holding her hand.) And this outfit! (She motions toward herself.) What the hell was I thinking? This is the skankiest getup this side of Paris Hilton! And these damn fishnets! (She pulls on them) I’m still repulsed I saw fit to put these things on my legs! It’s like I’m wearing the official whore uniform!

Marty: So are you going to take them off?

Toot: I don’t know. After that big stink I made, I’d be embarrassed to. I swore I wouldn’t take them off under any circumstances. (Marty sits there, not knowing what to say.) Of course… *you* could take them off me…

Marty: Miss Braunstein, are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?

Toot: I may just be! (They look at each other.)

Both: To the coatroom!

Cut back to Xandir and Steve at the bar again. Hero is walking in their direction.

Xandir: But anyway, I just put some topical cream on it, and the rash cleared right up! (Hero walks up to them.) Hero! What are you doing here? I thought you were going to the coatroom!

Hero: I was! I just went to the bathroom and got distracted by this fascinating piece of literature they had sitting on a table outside the door. (He hands Xandir something.)

Xandir: Um, Hero… this is a flyer.

Hero: Novel, short story, flyer, whatever you call it, it was damn compelling. So what were you saying about the coatroom?

Steve: Dude, your lady friend came by! She took you up on your offer!

Hero: What? She said yes?

Steve: That’s right, man! You’d better hightail it to that coatroom right now! (Hero, extremely excited, dashes off for the coatroom. Xandir and Steve resume their conversation.) So anyway, what did you do with the gerbil after that?

Cut to the coatroom. Hero enters and begins looking around, but doesn’t see anyone.

Hero: That’s strange. I wonder where Foxxy is. (He sees all the coats hanging up, with many more in a pile on the floor. The ones on the floor appear to be moving around.) Damn, looks like someone else had the same idea I did! Next time I’ll have to remember to make a reservation! (He stands watching the moving pile for a moment. Clara and Ling-Ling enter.)

Clara: Oh, hello, Captain Hero. Have you decided to make your coatroom rendezvous after all?

Hero: I have, Clara. But it appears- (He suddenly notices something and looks down.) What are those on your feet?

Clara: My pumps hurt my feet too much to walk around in anymore, so Ling-Ling made me these cute sandals out of napkins and sugar packets!

Ling-Ling: It the best Ling-Ling could do without sewing machine handy.

Clara: But anyway, what’s going on back here with you guys? Oh, no- she didn’t stand you up, did she?

Hero: No, I don’t think so. But it looks like someone else beat us here. You see? (She steps around and looks at the pile of moving coats.)

Clara: Well, it does appear that someone is currently getting busy, as they say, under the coats. Now if you look at the outlines of the two figures, it would appear that one is rather on the short side!

Hero: Now who do we know who’s short? (tries to think)

Ling-Ling: Wait! What that crumpled up on floor off to side? (Clara picks up the object Ling-Ling is referring to.)

Clara: Why… it’s a pair of fishnet stockings!

Hero: Now who do we know who wears fishnet stockings? (tries to think)

Clara: Toot does! And she’s also short. I guess that means she and Marty made up!

Ling-Ling: And immediately celebrated!

Hero: I see! So it’s Toot and Marty under there! What a relief!

Clara: Why? What were you worried about?

Just at that moment, the restroom door opens. Hero, Clara, and Ling-Ling turn toward it to see Toot and Marty emerge.

Toot: Wow, you were right, Marty. Doing it in a public restroom is fun!

Marty: We’re both taking showers when we get home, though.

Toot: Well, obviously! (They see Hero, Clara, and Ling-Ling. Hero has a stunned look on his face. Toot is confused.) Um… hi, guys!

Hero: You guys are here? I thought you were over there! (He points to the pile of coats.)

Marty: Well, I’m not positive. I’m going to have to check with my people on that, but I’m pretty sure we’re here.

Clara: So then… who’s under the pile of coats?

They all look intensely at the pile as it moves again. Finally, some of the coats fall to the side to reveal one of the participants underneath, in the middle of a deep, passionate kiss.

Foxxy: Oh yeah, kiss me harder! Mmmm, that’s how Mama Bear likes it! Come on, we’s about to go all the way!

Hero: (shocked) Foxxy! (She suddenly bolts up)

Foxxy: Captain Hero!

Hero: What the hell is the meaning of this? I was the one who invited you to meet me here!

Foxxy: You were? But he said he was! (She points to the other figure.)

Hero: Who?

The group continue to look at the coats as a small pink hand emerges from the pile and removes them. Hero stares in utter disbelief at the figure sitting in front of him.

Hero: What the hell- Spanky???

Spanky shrugs and turns to Foxxy.

Spanky: So that going all the way thing- are we still on for that?

Hero continues to stare in disbelief.

TO BE CONTINUED…