DTBL episode 8: Fishnets of Desire, Part II

[Raymond-Raymond]

FISHNETS OF DESIRE, PART II

Part 1

The show opens with a montage of scenes from the previous episode as a voice-over intones, “Previously on Drawn Together”. It concludes where the last episode left off, with Captain Hero angrily staring down Foxxy and Spanky after catching them kissing.

Hero: All right, you two, do you mind telling me what the hell you were doing?

Spanky: We were making out. See, when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they sometimes like to show their affection by-

Hero: Can it, pig! I know what kissing is. I’m not seven years old, after all.

Spanky: Well, maybe not you’re not seven years old physically…

Clara: Hold it, none of this makes sense! Foxxy, I thought you wanted to hook up with Captain Hero!

Foxxy: That was the intention, but my plans went awry!

Clara: So what exactly happened?

Spanky: We were making out. See, when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they-

Clara: Can it, pig, or we’re all having bacon for breakfast tomorrow! And there’s none in the freezer at home right now, if you know what I’m saying!

Hero: So we’re going to stop at the store on the way home? That sounds yummy! (Clara glares at Hero, who shuts up.)

Clara: (turning back to Spanky and Foxxy) So what happened?

Hero: Oh, I’ll tell you what happened! Unfortunately, due to the fact that I’m not exactly an expert with words, I’ll be doing so in a flashback. Flashback starts… now!

Spanky: Um, your flashback’s probably gonna take a while. Think we should maybe do the opening titles first?

Hero: Oh, yeah, that might be a good idea. Okay, titles, you can go first.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene returns to the club.

Hero: Now then, may I begin?

Spanky: Go for it, man.

Hero: Thank you.

Hero’s flashback begins. The camera pans a shot of the interior of the club. The shot stops on Foxxy waiting by the coat closet looking sultry.

Foxxy: Oh my God, I sure hope Captain Hero shows up soon for our makeout session followed closely thereafter by some hot monkey love! I don’t know if I can wait too much longer, given how attracted I am to his massive manliness!

Spanky walks in.

Spanky: Excuse me, ma’am? I couldn’t help but notice that you appear to be in the mood for some hot lovin’. Might it be with anyone in particular?

Foxxy Love: Why yes it is, sir. I’m waiting to be ravished and pillaged and plundered by none other than that legendary man-stallion Captain Hero!

Spanky: Captain Hero, eh? You’re right, he is quite the Greek god. In fact, I don’t mind saying, if I were gay, I’d be all over him. As it happens, though, I’m not gay. And neither is Captain Hero, despite what it said in that tabloid story last week. Therefore, I am doomed never to enjoy the magical pleasure paradise that is a night with Captain Hero. Oh yes, I’d be all over him like sucking on any given episode of The Simple Life.

Foxxy: Sadly, it appears I may not be able to enjoy that lovefest either. For you see, Captain Hero does not appear to be coming.

Spanky: Don’t tell me that incredible sensitive, considerate, completely moral man has abandoned you!

Foxxy: Oh, no, not at all. I’m sure he’s just out saving the world again, like he does many times because he’s just such a nice guy.

Spanky: I suppose, then, it would be wrong for me to take advantage of his absence and seduce you myself.

Foxxy: Yes, sir, it would be very wrong indeed. I can’t think of any reason I would betray Captain Hero for a random hookup with you!

Spanky: How about because… I’m here and he isn’t! And you want it really bad…

Foxxy: Oh, you’re right! Who am I to deny it? I know I should wait for Captain Hero, but I’m just too big a slut to wait for anybody, even the most perfect male creation God ever wrought!

Spanky: Let’s do it! (They grab each other passionately and begin kissing, falling back into the pile of coats.)

The scene returns to the present. Everyone is bowled over with laughter except Hero.

Hero: What? What’s so funny?

Spanky: (composing himself) Well, I know I don’t have much of a chance after that compelling case Captain Hero gave against me, but I do feel I at least have the right to tell my story.

Clara: Go ahead, Spanky.

Spanky: All right, here’s how it happened.

Spanky’s flashback begins. The scene opens on the same interior shot of the club before cutting to Spanky and Toot. Toot is crying.

Toot: Oh, Spanky, why in heaven’s name did I dress like this? Was I under some horribly misguided notion that I was hot?

Spanky: Don’t beat yourself up. It was an honest mistake.

Toot: And now there’s a bunch of guys looking at me and saying creepy things to me and making me feel bad! Oh, if only I had some way of covering my breasts so they couldn’t see my unintentionally comical cleavage!

Spanky: Hey! I have an idea! You could wear a coat! It could cover up your cleavage so guys couldn’t see!

Toot: Why, Spanky, that’s a marvelous idea! You’re really smart, you know that? But how will I ever get one of those?

Spanky: Hmm, let me think. There’s a room in back they call a “coat room”. Now judging by the name, I think there’s a relatively good chance they might have some of these “coats” in there. I’ll sneak back there, then when no one is looking, I’ll grab one and bring it back to you!

Toot: Oh, Spanky, you would really do that for me? Wow, you’re the greatest friend a girl could ever ask for! Why, I’d kiss you right now if I were the slightest bit attractive!

Spanky: Think nothing of it, Toot. That’s just the kind of guy Spanky is. He helps the pretty ones AND the homely ones. I’ll be back in a few minutes.

He walks off. Toot stands looking after him with her hands clasped together and a “My hero!” look of gratitude on her face. The scene cuts to the coat closet where we see Spanky come across the coats.

Spanky: Aha! Paydirt! (He combs through the rack examining each coat, discarding each one as he views it.) No, too big. Too small. Too light. Too heavy. Too furry. Too plastic. Too hairy. Too red. Too purple. Too- (comes across one he likes) Why, this one would be perfect for my good friend Toot! I’ll go take it to her right now! (He starts to walk away, but trips over the mound of coats that has formed at his feet.) Oh, no, I seem to have fallen. (He tries to get up, but finds his leg has become tangled in some of the coats, and is unable to move.) I can’t believe this! This massive pile of coats has rendered me completely helpless!

As Spanky continues to struggle to get out of the coats, a pair of red boots can be seen walking toward him.

Foxxy: Spanky! Whatchoo doin’ down on the floor like that?

Spanky: I was doing a favor for my good friend Toot, but this pile of coats seems to have trapped me!

Foxxy: Hmm. Well, I might be able to help you with that!

She kneels down and begins pulling and tugging at the coats to try to get them off Spanky, but to no avail. Finally, she becomes enmeshed in the pile herself. She pulls at one coat to try to get it off Spanky, but ends up pulling him right into her arms.

Spanky: Well… isn’t this cozy?

Foxxy: It sure is, sweetness!

Spanky: Normally, I would never be so crass as to take advantage of a woman like this, Foxxy, but considering how the fates seem to have aligned to put me in your arms, it would be a waste not to take advantage of it!

Foxxy: Oh, Spanky, I was hoping you’d say that! (They begin kissing each other passionately and rolling around in the coats.)

Cut back to the present.

Spanky: And that’s where we were when you walked in, Captain Hero. You can’t get mad at me because obviously, I had no way of knowing Foxxy had planned a rendezvous with you. As far as I knew, she was free and single!

Clara: That’s a very logical and plausible story, Spanky.

Spanky: Thank you, Clara, I knew you’d see it my way.

Clara: Unfortunately, there’s just one small problem.

Spanky: (defensive) What’s that?

Clara: You claim that you came back here to get Toot a coat, ran into Foxxy while you were here, and have been here ever since. So if your story is true, that means you never had an opportunity to actually give Toot the coat. (She points to Toot.) And yet she has one!

Spanky: Um… um… well, um… um… she could have gotten it from somewhere else!

Clara: That’s right, Spanky, she could have! (He beams.) Of course, the fact that you hesitated for about five minutes before pointing that out leads me not to believe you. (Spanky scowls.) So come on, you guys, what really happened?

Toot: Excuse me, if I may butt in a moment.

Spanky: Wow, that’s a change, Toot’s actually asking for permission before inflicting her unsolicited opinion on us!

Toot: (ignoring Spanky) I think it’s important that you hear the truth from someone who was at the scene and saw it all happen, yet was not involved herself and thus can speak as an impartial observer.

Spanky: What are you talking about, Toot? Xandir’s not a her!

Toot: I didn’t mean Xandir, pork for brains, I meant me! Here’s how it REALLY was!

Toot’s flashback begins. She is standing on the dance floor feeling uncomfortable. Spanky comes up to her holding a coat.

Spanky: Here you go, Toot!

Toot: Thanks, Spanky.

Spanky: Well, I’m gonna take off for the coatroom now. I think I just saw Foxxy heading that way, and since she didn’t bring a coat with her, that can only mean one thing!

Toot: She’s going to steal one, like you did?

Spanky: Precisely! And I, being the good cop I am, must go stop her from committing this foul act! But first, Toot, might I say that even though you’re uncomfortable with all the compliments you’ve received from guys tonight wearing that outfit, might I suggest that they only say what they did because that’s how they respond to women they find sexy!

Toot: I don’t think of myself as sexy. But that’s not because I’m not. I’m actually very sexy, I’m just too modest to think of myself that way.

Spanky: Of course you are, Toot. To be honest, everything thinks you’re the sexiest one in the house!

Toot: Even Foxxy and Clara?

Spanky: Toot, I know Foxxy and Clara make fun of you for being fat, but they only do it to hide their deep-seated jealousy of you. The truth is that all the guys may flock to them, but they both know the truth, that you’re really the one who’s got it going on.

Toot: Thank you for your honesty, Spanky. I always thought guys weren’t into real women anymore.

Spanky: They are, Toot! The fact is that all Foxxy and Clara have are their looks, and even those are overrated. Their personalities certainly can’t compete with yours. That’s the only reason they mistreat you like they do. They’re trying to make you angry and bitchy so guys won’t notice what a great catch you are.

Cut back to the present.

Clara: Oh, PUH-LEASE! That has got to be the biggest crock I have ever heard in my life! Next to Scientology, of course.

Toot: It’s true! Every word of it!

Clara: Maybe the words individually are all true, but put them together and it’s a hideous pack of lies! Now, Toot, I won’t deny Foxxy and I have made fun of you, but you know we really love you!

Toot: Hey, Spanky was the one saying all that stuff, not me!

Foxxy: You honestly expect us to believe that after being surrounded by hot women all night, Spanky would suddenly stop his trolling around to sing YOUR praises for two hours?

Spanky: Hey, I wasn’t trolling! I was putting out lines to see if anybody would bite! Which they did. (holds out his arm) See these teeth marks?

Clara: Anyway, Toot, could you skip ahead to the relevant part?

Toot: I will, just give me a minute to- (suddenly notices Clara’s feet) What are those things on your feet?

Clara: They’re my new napkin and sugar packet sandals Ling-Ling made me.

Toot: They’re kind of cute, actually. You think you could make me some, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Maybe later. Carla’s feet first priority. He planning on making her whole line of comfortable yet fashionable origami-style shoes so her feet look good but not hurt anymore.

Clara: Anyway, Toot, just continue.

Toot: Fine.

Toot’s flashback resumes. She is having her conversation with Marty.

Toot: I’m still repulsed I saw fit to put these things on my legs! It’s like I’m wearing the official whore uniform!

Marty: So are you going to take them off?

Toot: I don’t know. After that big stink I made, I’d be embarrassed to. I swore I wouldn’t take them off under any circumstances. (Marty sits there, not knowing what to say.) Of course… *you* could take them off me…

Marty: Miss Braunstein, are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?

Toot: I may just be! (They look at each other.)

Both: To the coatroom!

Toot and Marty run off to the coatroom together. Toot sits down in a chair and kicks off her shoes, then extends her legs toward Marty as he kneels in front of her.

Toot: Now! Now, Marty, take them off me now!

Marty: Yes, ma’am! (He reaches to the top of one of the fishnets and begins very sensuously rolling it off her leg. Pornographic music begins playing in the background.)

Clara: (voice over) No porn music, Toot!

Toot: (voice over) Fine!

The porn music stops, but Marty continues rolling the fishnet off Toot’s leg. He balls it up and tosses it to the side. He then takes the fishnet off the other leg in the same fashion and tosses it aside as well. Toot holds her now bare legs out in front of her and wiggles her toes.

Toot: There! Now I’m sexy but I’m not a slut!

Marty: You were never a slut. You just looked like one!

Toot: Oh, Marty, you’re such a sweet guy!

Marty: You know, Toot, this is a very romantic moment for us. I wonder if maybe we should pause here and savor it for a while.

Toot: (thinks) Nah, let’s just get busy!

Marty: Okay!

Toot: Ooh, I know! (She points at the pile of coats on the floor.) Let’s use that pile of coats! It’ll be the perfect cover!

Marty: You’re as smart as you are cute! Let’s do it! (They go over to the pile of coats, but see the figures rolling around in them.) Hmm… if I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone beat us here!

Toot: So what’ll we do then? Not do it?

Marty: Dammit, woman, we can’t not do it! Not when we’ve come this far!

Toot: You’re right, Marty! We’ve sacrificed too much to reach this point! But where? Where will we do it? (They suddenly look down the hallway and see the restrooms.)

Both: Restroom!

They rush toward the restroom. The scene changes back to the present.

Clara: Wait a minute! Toot. If your story is true… that means you didn’t see ANYTHING!

Toot: I guess not.

Clara: So what was the point of telling it, then?

Toot: Come on, Clara, you know that when I see other people getting attention. I have to have a piece of it for myself! You should know that about me by now!

Hero: Hey, I just got an idea!

Spanky: That we could all put on these coats and do some naughty role-playing fantasies?

Hero: Yes, but that’s not what I’m talking about right now. Why don’t we hear from Ling-Ling on this? After all, he was gone during a major portion of the night and probably saw a lot of things we didn’t!

Marty: Yes, but if he wasn’t in the coatroom, he couldn’t have seen-

Ling-Ling: Shut up, cow lover! Ling-Ling proud to tell story! Um, Carla, can you pick Ling-Ling up? He more convincing at eye level with everyone. (Clara picks him up.) Now then. Here how it really happen.

Ling-Ling’s flashback begins. He is being mobbed by the pack of female admirers.

Ling-Ling: No! You evil hussies stop it right now! Ling-Ling married now to truly special woman. He not be unfaithful to her for anything!

Woman: Really? You mean (she turns and looks at Clara) that woman back there, the one who’s dressed like a Jane Austen novel? (Ling-Ling nods.) You’re right, Ling-Ling, she’s very beautiful. And it’s not right for you to be tempted like this!

Ling-Ling: Thanks for seeing it Ling-Ling’s way.

Woman: Which is why we’re going to have to get you away from her so she can’t tempt you any longer! Grab him, girls!

Ling-Ling tries to fight the women, but they are too great in number for him. They pick him up and carry him away as he looks forlornly after Clara. The scene cuts to an alley in back of the club. The women carry Ling-Ling into the alley. One of the women takes the lid off a trash can and holds it for the first woman to put Ling-Ling in. The second woman replaces the lid and sits down on the trash can.

Britney: Sorry to do this, Ling-Ling, but we can’t let you get away from us! You belong to us and no one else! Thanks for helping me, girls! You can all go home now. I’ll take it from here!

Paris: Go home? What the hell is this, Britney? You trying to have Ling-Ling all for yourself?

Britney: Of course not, Paris! I was just thinking we could take it in turns! And I get him first!

Christina: Hey, I went out with Ling-Ling longer than any of you guys! We had two whole dates together!

Britney: Shut up, Christina! You too, Jessica! Even though you didn’t say anything, I know you were thinking it!

Paris: You’re not having Ling-Ling to yourself, Britney!

Paula: Girls, girls, why do we have to fight about this? We can all have Ling-Ling! We’ll just use the same arrangement we had when we dated Rick James! (Paris smacks her to the ground.)

Paris: Can it, Paula! Okay, Britney, you wanna fight about this? Okay, we’ll fight. Let’s have a good old-fashioned catfight!

Britney: Bring it on, bitch!

Jessica: Ooh, I loved that movie! (Paula smacks her.)

Britney and Paris begin moving in a circle and staring each other down while the other women hoot and holler.

Britney: So are you actually gonna bring it on, or are we just gonna dance around a while? (Suddenly they stop. Paris pulls out a knife.)

Paris: It’s on, bitch!

Britney: (pulling out her own knife) You got that right!

The two women dive in and tackle each other, each attempting to strike with her knife but always just missing. The fight continues for a while until we see that the garbage can is rattling violently. The women suddenly turn toward it.

Paris: What the crap is up with that garbage can?

Jessica: I don’t know! I’ll check! (She begins to take the lid off the garbage can.)

Britney: Jessica! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo… you stupid bitch…

But it is too late. Jessica has removed the lid of the garbage can. Immediately Ling-Ling bursts out in a massive ball of energy, knocking all the women on their backs.

Ling-Ling: Ha! Stupid women should know not to bottle up Ling-Ling energy like that! It like shaking can of soda! Now he make you pay!

He begins hurling his energy balls at the women, thoroughly destroying them. Finally, he touches back to earth, frazzled but satisfied.

Ling-Ling: There! That what you get for coming between Ling-Ling and woman he loves! Now he off to find Carla again.

(to be continued…)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut back to the present. Everyone is in total disbelief.

Spanky: Dude, are you kidding? A knife fight? Come on, Ling-Ling, this isn’t some late night prison movie!

Ling-Ling: It all true. Every word of it.

Toot: Yeah, right. Like you really expect us to believe you slaughtered that entire pack of women all by yourself. (As Toot says this, the camera pans past the window of the coatroom into the alley behind the club where we see the bodies of the women scattered about. The scene then cuts back to the coatroom.)

Clara: Well, I think it’s adorable! I think it’s sweet that you would kill all your ex-girlfriends just to keep them from coming between us! Even though I don’t approve of murder.

Hero: So anyway-

Ling-Ling: Hold up, Ling-Ling not done! (Everyone except Clara rolls their eyes.)

Clara: Oh, can it, you guys! If the rest of you can use your flashbacks to live out your own little wish fulfillment fantasies, you don’t have any right to mock Ling-Ling for doing so!

Ling-Ling: Thank you, Carla! Even though what Ling-Ling say all true.

Clara: I know it is, sweetie. (She kisses him.) Now continue.

Ling-Ling: Anyway, Ling-Ling go back to Carla and they have their happy reunion and hug like adorable couple they are. But after that…

Cut to Ling-Ling and Clara hugging. They let go and relax into casual positions. Ling-Ling notices Clara rubbing her feet.

Ling-Ling: Oh no, Carla? What wrong?

Clara: It’s my feet, Ling-Ling. They’re really hurting me right now. I guess all that walking around in heels finally caught up with me tonight.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling try to tell you those things bad for you. Why you wear them everywhere anyway?

Clara: You know me, Ling-Ling, always having to be fashionable.

Ling-Ling: How is having nasty, battered looking feet fashionable? May look nice in pumps but never be able to wear sandals! Carla want ugly feet like Foxxy have? Ling-Ling no think so. Ling-Ling plan to take Carla back home to meet family someday. He need woman who not ashamed to take shoes off when she enter Ling house.Plus, Ling-Ling not like seeing Carla in pain anyway. He think since she look wonderful in anything, she should look wonderful in something comfortable. Carla’s feet far more important than Carla’s shoes.

Clara: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Ling-Ling! In fact, you know what? I’m done with the heels! I’m not making my feet suffer for fashion any longer! You’re the only one I want to impress now! From now on, it’s strictly comfort footwear for me!

Ling-Ling: That Ling-Ling’s girl!

Clara: So what am I going to wear home tonight? I can’t bear to think of putting those pumps back on, even for a little bit. And I really don’t think it would be wise to walk around on that nasty club floor in my bare feet.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know! (He dashes off and returns holding a napkin dispenser and a bowl of sugar packets.) Watch this! (In a flash, he has sculpted a pair of sandals for Clara out of said items and holds them out in front of her.)

Clara: Why Ling-Ling, they’re positively precious! I can’t wait to put them on! (Ling-Ling shakes his head.) No? What are you trying to say, Ling-Ling? (He motions for Clara to lift her foot up.) Oh, you want to put them on me! Okay! (She lifts her foot up, and Ling-Ling slides the makeshift shoe onto her foot. She looks at her foot in the shoe.) Ooh, that does look cute! Now the other one!

She lifts her foot up for Ling-Ling to put the other shoe on. Just as she is doing this, Xandir and Steve walk by and see Clara in her ball gown holding her foot out to Ling-Ling as he slides the shoe on.

Steve: I thought Cinderella’s slippers were supposed to be made of glass! (Xandir shrugs.) I guess this is the budget version! (They walk off. Clara puts her feet down happily.)

Clara: Thanks for doing that for me, Ling-Ling! You’re a doll.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling once told he have figure like Beanie Baby.

Clara: Well, anyway, Ling-Ling, I’m really tired right now. Do you think we could go ahead and head out of here?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling thought you’d never ask! Just let Ling-Ling grab jacket.

Clara: I’ll go to the coatroom with you. (They walk into the coatroom where they see Captain Hero waiting.) Oh, hello, Captain Hero. Have you decided to make your coatroom rendezvous after all?

Hero: I have, Clara. But it appears-

The scene cuts to the present.

Toot: Hold on just a cotton-pickin’ minute! You guys didn’t see anything either!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling never say he did.

Spanky: Then what was the point of all that?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling just want to be part of story time like everyone else! Is that so wrong?

Hero: We can’t complain too much. After all, he did give us a catfight between some very hot women with knives! Of course, he kind of got off the point with all that crap about high heels not being sexy! If you saw a woman’s ass and legs from the angle I do, Ling-Ling, you would not badmouth heels! (Ling-Ling gives Hero a “Pfft, whatever” motion.)

Clara: So anyway, guys, can somebody please explain what ACTUALLY happened!

Xandir: (suddenly appearing in doorway) I can!

Foxxy: You? But you wasn’t even there! You spent practically the whole night at the bar talking to that Steve guy! Are you two lovers or something?

Xandir: Not yet! I know Steve likes women, but I think there’s a reasonably good chance his door swings both ways, so what I’m gonna do is- (notices everyone staring at him impatiently) get back to the point.

Hero: Thank you!

Xandir: So, anyway, here’s how it REALLY happened!

Cut to Xandir at the bar talking to Steve.

Xandir: So how big a scar did that leave?

Steve: About the size of a quarter! Boy, I won’t mess with her again!

Xandir: So can I see it?

Steve: Sure! (He starts to unzip his pants. The scene suddenly cuts back to the present.)

Hero: Nuh uh! No way am I going to let you use your flashback to act out some gay porn scene! Plus, it makes me uncomfortable to hear stories about guys who have bad things happen to their penis!

Xandir: For the record, Captain Hero, he was showing me his leg!

Hero: Oh, really? (suddenly eager) Did he have nice legs? What did they look like? (suddenly realizes everyone is staring at him) You know, for curiosity’s sake! I just want to make sure they’re not as strong and manly as mine! (The group is still staring. Hero tries to change the subject by turning back to Xandir.) Anyway, continue.

Xandir: So like I was saying-

Cut back to Xandir and Steve talking. Steve pulls his pants down.

Xandir: Wow, Steve, that’s a pretty nasty gash!

Steve: I know! That bitch was crazy! It wouldn’t hurt so much if it weren’t so close to my boys!

Xandir: It is awfully close to your boys. I’ll tell you what, Steve, why don’t I massage it for you? I know you’re not into that, but people tell me I have hands like a woman. You could just pretend!

Steve: I guess I can do that. (As Xandir begins rubbing, the camera pans up to Steve’s face.) Mmm, that feels good, Xandir. Mmm, harder now, Xandir, harder now! Oh yeah, that’s the way Steve likes it! Yeah, I guess you can take the underwear off too. Hey! No teeth!

Cut to the present. Everyone is rolling their eyes and chuckling.

Spanky: (laughing) Oh, dude! You DID turn it into a gay porn scene!

Xandir: (smiling coyly) I did, didn’t I? I’m such a rascal!

Toot: That’s our Xandir! (He shrugs.)

Clara: So anyway, does anyone know what really happened? (Just at that moment, Wooldoor and UFG enter.)

Wooldoor: Hey, guys, what’s going on in here? Sounds like you’re telling stories!

Spanky: We are, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love stories!

Spanky: We’re telling GHOST stories!

Wooldoor: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! (He runs from the room screaming.)

UFG: Now, Spanky, that wasn’t nice! Now I’ve got to go after him! (She turns toward Wooldoor, but keeps her feet in the same spot. She stretches out her arms past the doorway until they’re completely out of sight of everyone else. After a moment, she pulls her arms back in, now holding Wooldoor.) All right, that’s done! Now let’s get back to story time! (Holding Wooldoor, she sits down.) Now whose turn is it?

Clara: I don’t know! Anyone who can tell us once and for all just WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!

Foxxy: Um, Clara?

Clara: Yes, Foxxy?

Foxxy: If you don’t mind, Clara, I know of somebody who can tell you what happened. It’s somebody who was there for every single second of it, and best of all, somebody who always tells the truth.

Clara: That sounds too good to be true, Foxxy? Who is it?

Foxxy: (looking at Clara angrily) ME! (turns to the group) My God, you people! You alls is intelligent most of the time! You wanna know what happened. Did it not occur to any of you to just ask the person who everything happened TO?

Hero: Hey, I have an idea! Foxxy, why don’t YOU tell us what happened!

Foxxy: Too late, Captain Mo-Mo!

Hero: Oh, well, can’t blame a guy for trying!

Foxxy: I can when it’s you! Now anyway, you guys, here is how things ACTUALLY went down! Now as you all remember, I was feeling a little depressed that night-

Toot: That night? Foxxy, this happened like 20 minutes ago!

Foxxy: Be that as it may. I was feeling depressed that the Foxxy wasn’t gettin’ no action for some reason, so I invited Captain Hero to hook up in the coat room, only he blew me off. Or so I thought!

Cut to Foxxy approaching Xandir and Steve at the bar.

Foxxy: Hey, guys, mind if I join you?

Xandir: Mind? Hell yes, we mind!

Foxxy: What the shoobazzle has gotten into you, Xandir?

Steve: That guy friend of yours came by. Said something about wanting to meet you in the coatroom. (Foxxy’s eyes light up.)

Foxxy: Oh he did, did he? I guess he finally came around. Foxxy’s dry spell may not last the night after all! (Her swagger returning to her hips, Foxxy walks off in the direction of the coatroom and is surprised to find it empty.) That’s funny. I was under the impression Captain Hero was coming here to meet me. I wonder what he could be doing!

Cut to Captain Hero gazing intently at a piece of paper on a table. A close-up of the paper reveals that it is a flyer for Club Foot that reads “Dancing Tonight”.

Hero: Hmm, normally I don’t care for political propaganda, but I have to admit this piece of literature makes a very good point.

Hero continues being fixated on the flyer. The scene cuts back to Foxxy in the coatroom with a perplexed look on her face. Spanky enters.

Spanky: Oh, hi, Foxxy, what’s going on?

Foxxy: Oh nothing, Spanky, just waiting for somebody.

Spanky: Yeah? How’s that going?

Foxxy: Since I seem to be the only one here, not too well, apparently!

Spanky: What do you mean?

Foxxy: (depressed again) Oh, Spanky. I’m afraid the Foxxy has lost it.

Spanky: Lost it? That’s crazy! Why do you think you’ve lost it?

Foxxy: These clubs used to be the place where Foxxy really shines. Now I can go out there on that floor and guys don’t pay one lick of attention to me! I guess the Foxxy just ain’t sexy no more!

Spanky: Oh come on, Foxxy, you are the sexiest woman I know! In fact, you’re even sexier than 60% of those girls on the internet!

Foxxy: Thanks, Spanky. But I guess the rest of the world don’t feel that way.

Spanky: That can’t be true! I mean, one guy out there must have liked you since he made plans to meet you in here!

Foxxy: I know, I thought he did. But I guess since he didn’t show up, that means he didn’t find me that sexy after all.

Spanky: How do you know he ditched you? Maybe you just got your signals crossed. What exactly did he say when he agreed to meet you?

Cut back to the bar.

Steve: That guy friend of yours came by. Said something about wanting to meet you in the coatroom. (Foxxy’s eyes light up.)

Cut back to the present.

Spanky: That’s all Steve told you? That your guy friend came by and said he wanted to meet you in the coatroom? (Foxxy nods.) He didn’t mention any names? (Foxxy shakes her head. Spanky looks at Foxxy sympathetically for a moment.) Well, Foxxy, I’ve got a confession to make. Your “guy friend” didn’t ditch you after all.

Foxxy: Then where is he?

Spanky: You’re looking at him! (Foxxy looks at him in confusion.) That’s right, Foxxy. I was the one who left you that message.

Foxxy: But why?

Spanky: Foxxy, I’ve spent most of the night hopping from woman to woman like the studmuffin I am, but every woman I’m with- well, I would catch sight of you on the dance floor shaking your stuff, and I would suddenly realize she’s nothing compared to you! I’m serious, Foxxy- I haven’t been able to get anywhere with a woman tonight, I’m so distracted by you and your sexiness!

Foxxy: (perking up) Really, Spanky? Then I’m not losing it after all?

Spanky: Not in the slightest!

Foxxy: But how do I know you’re being for real and not just saying that to make me feel better?

Spanky: (He puts his arm on Foxxy’s shoulder.) Foxxy, if I weren’t genuinely attracted to you- would I do this?

He suddenly grabs both of Foxxy’s shoulders and begins kissing her passionately. Foxxy stays there for a moment, then backs off.

Foxxy: Hold on, Spanky, I’s isn’t sure we should be doing this! I mean, what if our housemates saw us kissing like this?

They look over at the pile of coats. After exchanging glances with each other for a moment, both of them dive into the pile, then begin kissing and rolling around. The scene cuts back to the present.

Foxxy: And that’s how it really happened!

Clara: Is this true, Spanky? Is that how it happened?

Spanky: Yeah, it’s true. Look, you guys. I didn’t plan to do this. (He looks at Hero.) Captain Hero, I swear to you, I had no idea you were the guy Foxxy was planning to meet. I thought it was one of those club jerks out there. I was just trying to make her feel better. That’s the only reason I came onto her like that.

Foxxy: (angrily) What?? So then, you wasn’t attracted to me after all? All that was a load of pig slop?

Spanky: No, that’s not what I meant at all! I am attracted to you!

Hero: Aha! So you WERE planning to steal my date!

Spanky: No, I don’t mean that either! Look, you guys, this is how it is. (He turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, I am being completely sincere when I say that you are one of the sexiest women I’ve ever known. And if the opportunity had been there when we first moved into the house together, I probably would have been all over you. But in the months we’ve passed together since then, I’ve really grown to like you as a person, and gotten to know you as a friend. And… I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere along the line we fell into this brother-sister type relationship. Sleeping with you would be like sleeping with my sister. And last time I checked, that was frowned upon.

Foxxy: I guess you’re right, Spanky. We’s is great as friends. I’d hate to ruin that.

Spanky: Plus, I’ve still kinda got that wife and kid in the suburbs, so it would probably be wrong anyway, but that’s neither here nor there. (He turns to Hero) So what about you, Captain Hero? Are we cool?

Hero: Yeah, Spanky. We’re cool. (They shake hands.)

Spanky: Thanks, man.

Hero: Don’t mention it. (He looks around the room.) If you guys don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Foxxy alone for a minute. (As they start to walk off, Hero suddenly admonishes them.) And not to do THAT!

Marty: Ease up, man! You were the only one who was thinking anything dirty there! Come on, Toot, let’s leave these guys alone. (Everyone files out of the coatroom except Foxxy and Hero. Foxxy stands up.)

Foxxy: You sure this is something you want to talk about, Hero? I can’t imagine you’re very happy with me right now.

Hero: It’s okay, Foxxy. I’m not mad at you. You were lonely and insecure, and you thought I wasn’t going to show. I probably would have done the same thing in your position. In fact, I probably would have done it a lot sooner!

Foxxy: I guess it’s good that nobody’s mad. Too bad the mood’s kind of ruined, though.

Hero: Yeah, too bad.

Foxxy: Is that the only reason we were going to do this? Because we were in the mood?

Hero: You mean, because we happened to both be lonely and in the same place at the same time together?

Foxxy: Yeah. I mean, Foxxy’s had all kinds of different kinds of sex in her life, but one thing she ain’t never had is pity sex.

Hero: I guess it’s better we didn’t do it, then. I mean, if that’s all it was going to be.

Foxxy: WAS that all it was going to be? I mean, we may have both been depressed, but I was hoping you did have some actual desire in your heart.

Hero: I have all kinds of desire for you, Foxxy. For some reason I just never acted on it. Well, except for that one time, remember?

Foxxy: Oh, yeah, I remember! That was a good time. We were great together!

Hero: We WERE great together! But don’t you remember, Foxxy, how the spark just went right out of it after a few days? How do we know that won’t happen again?

Foxxy: Well, maybe the spark went out of our sex life because that’s all we had together, was sex! Maybe if we try it again, only with actual emotions involved, it’ll last longer.

Hero: A relationship with more to it than sex? That’s crazy, Foxxy! Just crazy enough to work!

Foxxy: It’s exciting, isn’t it?

Hero: I’ll say! This is completely new territory for me!

Foxxy: Me too!

Hero: You know, that dry spell might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me! I feel like I’m seeing love in a completely new way!

Foxxy: (She walks up to Hero and puts her hands on his arms.) So what do you say, Captain Hero? You want to put our romp in the coatroom on hold and go get some coffee together or something?

Hero: Wow… that’ll be the first time for me that’s actually meant coffee!

Arm in arm, Hero and Foxxy walk out of the coatroom and start to exit the club. Just as they get to the exit, however, Hero suddenly stops.

Hero: Just a moment, Foxxy, there’s someone else I need to speak with real quick. (While Foxxy waits at the door, Hero goes back into the club and finds Wooldoor alone.) Hello, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Oh, hello, Captain Hero.

Hero: Where’s Unusually Flexible Girl?

Wooldoor: She went to the restroom real quick. We’re about to leave. Oh, wait, I forgot! You wanted to take her home! It’s okay, she’ll be out in a minute, and you can take her with you.

Hero: Actually, Wooldoor, it’s you I wanted to talk to. You can go ahead and take Unusually Flexible Girl home. Really, I don’t mind.

Wooldoor: Thanks, Captain Hero!

Hero: Anyway, I just wanted to say I’ve made my peace with the situation, and I wish you and her the best of luck!

Wooldoor: With what?

Hero: With your relationship! I admit, I was really jealous that Unusually Flexible Girl chose you over me, but I suppose it was for the best. After all, it is her decision.

Wooldoor: But… we’re not in a relationship. She hasn’t chosen anybody yet.

Hero: But you spent the whole night with her.

Wooldoor: That doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship. I mean, we’re having lots of fun together, but that’s all it is right now. It’s just fun, it’s nothing serious. But I knew how deeply you felt about her, and I think she still has a thing for you, so I was prepared to step aside and let you have her. I’ll get over it.

Hero: So this whole night, I was fretting over a girl I could have stepped in and had anytime I wanted, probably.

Wooldoor: I guess so! (UFG returns)

UFG: Hey you guys, what’s up? We ready to leave yet?

Wooldoor: Actually, Mandy, Captain Hero was going to take you home. I think he has something he wanted to say to you.

UFG: (excited) Really? (to Hero) Does this mean you’re finally going to be up front with me?

Hero: Yes, it does, Unusually Flexible Girl. You, if you don’t mind me saying, are a fantastic and beautiful woman.

UFG: (flirtatiously) Now why would I mind you saying that?

Hero: And while there’s definitely a sexual spark between us… I’m really, really afraid that may be all we have. (She looks disappointed.) Look, Brandy-

UFG: Mandy.

Hero: Mandy. Look, Mandy, I can’t deny we have an awesome sexual relationship. But I know you long for more, and I just don’t think I can give that to you.

UFG: So what are you saying, Captain Hero?

Hero: I think you’re incredible, Sandy-

UFG: Mandy!

Hero: I think you’re incredible, Mandy, but I don’t think I can ever love you. And maybe he doesn’t right now, but I think Wooldoor could. He seems to genuinely like you in a way I never did. (UFG looks sad, but accepting.) So why don’t you give that a chance and see where it goes? What do you say, Candy?

UFG: (angrily) MANDY!!!

Hero: Mandy, sorry!

UFG: God, if it’s that much trouble for you to remember my name, maybe you should just go back to calling me Unusually Flexible Girl!

Hero: You’re right. I’m sorry, Randy. I mean, Unusually Flexible Girl.

UFG: I’m sorry, too, Captain Hero. I really think we could have been special together if we’d given it a chance.

Hero: Maybe we could. And maybe we still can. But why don’t you give Wooldoor the first shot? Then maybe if things don’t work out and we’re both still single after that, we can give it another go.

UFG: Well, I can’t say I’m pleased that you’re dumping me yet again, Captain Hero. But at least you’re being mature about it this time.

Hero: Thanks. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got an appointment I have to keep. (He walks off. UFG and Wooldoor turn to each other.)

Wooldoor: I’m sorry, Mandy. I guess this means I’ll be taking you home after all.

UFG: Why are you sorry, Wooldoor? I’m going home with a sweet guy who really likes me. Things worked out pretty well for me, I think.

They smile at each other, then hug for a moment before finally taking each other’s hands and walking out together. As they walk out of the club, the last thing we see is a shot of Hero and Foxxy in a car together driving off. The camera pulls slowly back and the scene fades.


THE END