DTBL episode 9: Flowers for Bleh

[Raymond-Raymond]

FLOWERS FOR BLEH

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. Cut to the interior where we see Foxxy coming down the stairs dressed the same way she was dressed when she played Chocolandra Love. The doorbell rings, and Foxxy walks toward the door to answer it.

Foxxy: (in confessional) After Captain Hero and I got together, people was expecting life in the Drawn Together house to be really different. But nope, it was just business as usual.

Foxxy answers the door. There stands a delivery man holding an enormous box

Man: Package for Foxxy Love.

Foxxy: That’d be me, sugar.

Man: Case of 500 deluxe vibrators?

Foxxy: Just put it down here. (He does. He hands Foxxy a clipboard to sign. She signs it and brings it back to him.)

Man: Always glad to be of service, ma’am!

He tips his cap and walks back to his truck. Foxxy walks back into the house. The camera follows the man to his truck. He gets in and drives away. After a minute, he realizes something.

Man: Oh, man! I was supposed to deliver another package to that house! Oh, well, I’ll do it tomorrow. Wait- tomorrow’s Saturday. Ah, who cares? Whatever it is, they can do without it till Monday.

Cut to the back of the truck where we see a large box addressed to Foxxy. From inside the box, we hear a voice.

Hero: I bet Foxxy Love will sure be surprised to receive ME in the mail! It’s not often you can get a mail order Hero! Aside that from month I spent as a Russian mail order prostitute. (There is a pause for a moment.) I wish Foxxy would hurry up and open me. My legs are starting to get cramped.

Cut back to the house. As Foxxy brings in her package, Spanky walks up to her.

Spanky: Hey, Foxxy, whatcha got there?

Foxxy: Nothing, Spanky. Just some feminine stuff.

Spanky: Feminine stuff? What kind of feminine stuff?

Foxxy: Oh, you know. Feminine hygiene products.

Spanky: Hmm, I see. Yes, your story would be quite plausible, if not for the fact that everyone knows you don’t PRACTICE feminine hygiene!

Foxxy: Hey, can I help it if the mens like it nasty?

Spanky: Foxxy, you have just accomplished something they thought couldn’t be done. You have grossed out Spanky Ham.

Foxxy: Oh, come on, Spanky, you know I’m just kidding. I mean, they do like it nasty, but a different kind of nasty.

Spanky: So anyway, what’s in the box that you got from (reads label) Vibraco, America’s largest vibrator distributor?

Foxxy: Candy. (Suddenly Wooldoor appears out of nowhere.)

Wooldoor: Candy? I love candy! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Foxxy: Um, Wooldoor, that was a joke. There isn’t really any-

But it is too late. Wooldoor gleefully tears open the box and takes out one of the items inside. He holds it up with a look of confusion on his face.

Wooldoor: What kind of weird candy is this?

Spanky: Um, it’s… cherry. Yeah, chocolate-covered cherry!

Wooldoor: Sounds good to me! (eats it) Hmm… that was kind of hard. (Spanky turns away, trying to keep from busting out laughing.) Do you have any with cream in them? (Spanky at this point is visibly straining to control himself.) What’s so funny, Spanky?

Spanky: Um… your shoe’s untied.

Wooldoor: (looks down) It is? (Spanky steps in to hit him with an uppercut to the jaw, but pulls back.)

Spanky: Nah, it’s too easy. (He turns to Foxxy.) So anyway, Foxxy, what are you doing ordering all this stuff? I thought you and Captain Hero were dating each other.

Foxxy: We are dating, Spanky. We’re just not sleeping together.

Spanky: You’re not sleeping together? (Suddenly a look of realization crosses his face.) I knew it! The old one-eyed superhero doesn’t even work, does it?

Foxxy: Oh, it works, Spanky. I’m just not making use of it just yet. Captain Hero and I are refraining from sex until we have time to get to know each other.

Spanky: You? And Captain Hero? The two most promiscuous people on this planet getting together with each other and not having sex? That would be like Clara and Hitler getting together and not killing any Jews!

Foxxy: Spanky, I know that in the past, both Captain Hero and I have had a tendency to put the physical stuff first-

Spanky: A tendency? I think you mean, a compulsion! No, no, no. I think you mean, a biological necessity!

Foxxy: Be that as it may. In the past, we have each made sex the first and foremost thing in our lives, and that may be the reason we’ve had trouble finding actual love. So instead, we’re going to develop our emotional relationship first, and once we’ve done that, only then will Mr. Hero earn his ticket to Foxxy’s Pleasure Paradise.

Spanky: Well, that’s a very noble gesture, Foxxy. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Foxxy: Thank you very much, Spanky. (She takes her box and goes upstairs. When she is gone, Spanky turns to Wooldoor.)

Spanky: (grabbing a piece of paper and a pencil) All right, Wooldoor. Time to get a pool going. (He begins marking on the paper.) My money says they’re rattling headboards by Sunday. Which day do you want?

Wooldoor: I think Foxxy and Hero can hold out a LOT longer than that.

Spanky: So Monday?

Wooldoor: Yeah! (Xandir pops in.)

Xandir: Hey, guys, you doing a pool for when Foxxy and Hero give in and have sex?

Spanky: You got it. You want in?

Xandir: You bet! Is Tuesday taken?

Spanky: Tuesday is yours.

Xandir: Cool! (Spanky begins writing.) Hey, I’m gonna go get Clara and Toot. They may want in on this too.

Wooldoor: And don’t forget Ling-Ling!

Xandir: Will do! (He runs upstairs calling after Clara and Toot. Spanky goes to the phone.)

Spanky: (on phone) Yeah, hello, Mom? We’re doing a pool for how long it will be before Foxxy and Hero do it. You want in? Cool. I’ll mark you down for the 15th then.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Toot and Xandir are in the living room watching TV.

Toot: Ugh! I can’t believe this show! Nothing but violence and vulgar language! I swear, if one more person gets shot, I’m gonna scream.

Xandir: Toot, if it’s really bothering you, we can watch something besides The Real World.

Toot: Nah, leave it on. I wanna see someone get bitchslapped.

Xandir: You like bloodless violence?

Toot: Yeah. I mean, that one chick who cut herself- what the hell was that about? (suddenly gets excited) Ooh, the crazy blonde’s arguing with the gay guy again.

Foxxy and Spanky enter from the next room. Spanky is holding his chart.

Foxxy: I’m sorry, Spanky, I still don’t see why I can’t participate!

Spanky: It’s a conflict of interest, Foxxy. All you have to do is hold out till the day and then do it, and you’ve won!

Foxxy: Come on, Spanky. If the Foxxy’s gonna be celibate, she might as well make a little money off of it.

Spanky: That’s the same thing you said about NOT being celibate!

Foxxy: Oh, please, Spanky!

Spanky: Well… all right. But you gotta give us odds. You gotta pick a day WAY off in the future.

Foxxy: That’s fine with me. It’ll give me more motivation to hold out.

Spanky: (looks at chart) Okay, let’s see here. The girl from the candy store has the 29th, and that’s the latest date anyone’s picked. So you gotta pick a date after that.

Foxxy: That’s fine with me. The Foxxy can hold out till the 30th. Um… what date is this now?

Spanky: The 1st.

Foxxy: (alarmed) The 1st? That’s like, more than a month away! Damn, I gotta call Vibraco again!

Just at that moment, Clara arrives from downstairs.

Clara: Attention, everyone. I’ve got an announcement to make!

Toot: What did you and Ling-Ling do now? Took your first poopy together?

Clara: Ewww, no! We’re not at that stage in our relationship yet! This announcement has nothing to do with Ling-Ling. This is just about me. Guys, you remember my cousin Bleh?

Foxxy: Of course we remember Bleh. Oh, no. Don’t tell me she’s still in that air vent we stuffed her in last time she was here! Dammit, Spanky, you were supposed to take her out when she started to smell!

Spanky: I did!

Clara: Guys, guys, guys, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m just trying to tell you she’s coming to visit again and I want you to be prepared. And please, guys, no practical jokes this time.

Spanky: (suspiciously) We… don’t know what you’re talking about.

Clara: So I when I went into the bedroom and caught her trying to rip out her hair by the roots because she thought it was on fire- she thought of that herself?

Spanky: Hey, can I help it she mistook the red in her hair for flames? Man, that Bleh, what will she think of next?

Toot: She’s not still quoting I Am Sam reviews, is she? I don’t know how much more of that I can take!

Clara: Don’t worry, she’s stopped quoting reviews of I Am Sam. She’s got a new obsession now.

Cut to Bleh standing in the doorway with Clara.

Bleh: “Crossroads is less a movie than a mind-numbingly dull road trip that offers plenty of opportunity for girlish high jinks, radio duets and adorable mugging,” raves Claudia Puig of USA Today!

The assembled housemates (minus Captain Hero) stand and stare. The situation is mildly awkward. Finally, Clara breaks the silence.

Clara: Yes, um… she likes Crossroads now. You know, the Britney Spears movie.

Foxxy: But why Crossroads? I thought she only liked movies about special people.

Clara: She does. She thought Britney Spears was special.

Toot: You mean she isn't?

Clara: So anyway, I’m going to take Bleh upstairs and get her settled in. We’ll talk to you guys later. (She takes Bleh by the hand and starts walking upstairs with her.)

Bleh: (as she and Clara are climbing the stairs) “Crossroads can seem like the ultimate in excitement if you're twelve years old, a girl and you don't get out much,” raves Peter Travers from Rolling Stone! (They are gone.)

Spanky: So! (pauses) Anyway… (pauses again.)

Xandir: Yeah. (pauses) Anyway…

At that moment something hits the other side of the front door with a loud thud.

Wooldoor: What in the shoobazzle was that?

Foxxy: That must be my new shipment. I guess they just dropped it off this time! (She rushes to the door and opens it to see a very frazzled, dirty-looking Captain Hero.) Captain Hero! What in God’s name happened to you?

Hero: It’s a long story, Foxxy, involving an absent-minded postman, a rabid Doberman, a blood-stained bed sheet, and a prostitute of ambiguous gender who goes by the name Candy Licks, but I’ll tell you guys later. So did I miss anything while I was away?

Spanky: Clara’s cousin Bleh came for a visit.

Hero: She did? Oh, no! She must have come here to see me!

Toot: Yeah, she couldn’t pooooooooossibly have come here to visit, say… her cousin Clara!

Hero: Of course not! Obviously, she came here to resume our relationship.

Foxxy: That’s right, I forgot you two had a little thing together. You don’t still have feelings for her, do you?

Hero: No, of course not, Foxxy. I know Bleh was the only woman I’ve ever had real feelings for, but I got over that a long time ago. And if Bleh should bring up the subject of me and her, I’ll look her straight in the eyes, or as close as one can come to that given her condition, and proclaim confidently that she and I are over, and my heart belongs solely to Foxxy Love now!

Foxxy: Wow. Do you really think you can be that strong?

Hero: Of course I can!

Hero: (in confessional) I had to make sure Bleh never brought up the subject of me and her. And the only way to do that was to erase her memory. Unfortunately, with Clara constantly at her side like either a Siamese twin or a lesbian life partner depending on which fantasy was going through my head at the moment, I wasn’t going to be able to use my usual method of erasing people’s memories. So I had to turn elsewhere for help.

Wooldoor: (dressed in a lab coat) You want me to give Bleh a lobotomy? Why?

Hero: Wooldoor, you remember that time I smacked you upside the head for that terrible thing you did to me?

Wooldoor: You mean stealing Unusually Flexible Girl from you?

Hero: No, the other thing.

Wooldoor: Borrowing your soap without asking?

Hero: Right! Remember how bad that felt when I hit you?

Wooldoor: Yeah, my head hurt and I was dizzy for days!

Hero: Well, Wooldoor, that’s what life is like for Bleh all the time. Her brain is all scrambled, and it’s just misery for her to deal with.

Wooldoor: I don’t know, she seems pretty happy to me.

Hero: So what are you, a psychiatrist or something?

Wooldoor: Actually I am. I’m a psychiatrist, a surgeon, a chiropractor, a gynecologist-

Hero: Never mind. The point is, you have a chance to make Bleh truly happy by messing around with her brain. Which despite what it says in most medical journals, is not considered unethical by the AMA.

Wooldoor: Well, if I’m going to make her happy by messing around with her brain, why don’t I just do an operation to make her not retarded anymore?

Hero: Make her not retarded anymore? You can do that? Then why didn’t you just do that before?

Wooldoor: I didn’t know I needed to. Like I said, she seemed pretty happy as she was.

Hero: (in confessional) I had to admit, this was an intriguing possibility. While I still favored erasing Bleh’s memory entirely, I knew I could never sell Clara on the idea in a million years. Too bad Bleh doesn’t have any dirt on Clara. I swear, I’ve never met anyone with absolutely no shameful secrets to hide in my entire life! But anyway, I realized that if Bleh became lucid, that would make her even more likely to remember what happened between the two of us. But at least then, I’d be able to reason with her like another human being. The only thing left to do was convince Clara to go along with it.

Clara: An operation? To make Bleh not retarded anymore?

Hero: That’s what he said.

Bleh: “Without a sense of humor or fondness for camp, Crossroads resembles a Britney ego trip,” raves Ed Gonzalez of Slant Magazine!

Clara: Wooldoor can do that? Why didn’t he do it before, then?

Hero: He was under this misguided impression that Bleh was happy like she was.

Clara: He does have a point. I know Bleh would love to be able to have actual conversations and experience things like normal people do, but who knows if that would actually make her happier?

Hero: Think of it this way, Clara. You two were the best of friends growing up, right?

Clara: Right! We were inseparable.

Hero: Until you got tired of her being retarded.

Clara: I did not get tired of her being retarded!

Bleh: “I made it through this whole film without tossing my cookies once!” raves Laura Alber of Entertainment Zone!

Clara: Okay, maybe it did bother me that spending time with Bleh felt more like babysitting than hanging out with a friend, but I can’t make this decision based on that. I have to think of what’s best for Bleh!

Hero: Don’t you think Bleh gets tired of only being able to watch movies about special people because that’s all she can understand? Don’t you think she needs to see some good movies for a change without them making her head spin?

Clara: There’s nothing wrong with movies about special people.

Hero: And you don’t get tired of hearing her quote nothing but movie reviews?

Clara: I admit, it’s kind of annoying, but at least she’s quoting reviews of different movies now.

Bleh: “I Am Sam is more simple-minded than the grade school primers Penn’s character obsessively reads,” raves Rod Armstrong of Reel.com!

Clara: (horrified) Oh, God, she’s back to quoting I Am Sam now!

Hero: So are you in?

Clara: Yes, yes, I’m in!

Hero: Boo-yah!

Clara: (in confessional) So Wooldoor gave Bleh the operation. As we all waited for Bleh to come around, I wondered what the new Bleh would be like. Would she be the person who was my best friend growing up, or would she still be the thorn in my side I treated her as ever since? Of course, those were really the same people. I guess it was me who changed. Wow, the show’s not even half over and I’ve already had my epiphany!

The housemates gather around Bleh in bed. She has bandages around her head and is sleeping soundly. The housemates peer at her eagerly for any signs she is beginning to stir. Just as things get really anxious, Toot breaks the mood.

Toot: What are we waiting for again?

Xandir: We’re waiting on Bleh to come around after surgery.

Toot: Oh. (resumes standing, but then a questioning look crosses her face) Is THAT what we were waiting for?

Xandir: Yes, Toot!

Toot: I missed the Real World/Road Rules/Big Brother/Survivor Big-Ass Smackdown All-Stars for this? Screw that!

Foxxy: Toot, when Bleh wakes up she is going to be all smart! She might even know her ABQ’s! (suddenly Clara points to Bleh excitedly)

Clara: Look, you guys! She’s waking up! (Bleh opens her eyes. With the housemates on pins and needles, she finally speaks.)

Bleh: “Actual concussive cranial abuse would be preferable to Jessie Nelson’s I Am Sam,” raves Michael Atkinson of the Village Voice! (The housemates are all visibly disappointed.)

Wooldoor: Oh, no! The operation didn’t work!

Bleh: Just kidding! (laughs) God, you guys are so easy!

Clara: Oh my God, Bleh! Does this mean you’re… um… I can’t think of a graceful way to put it.

Bleh: Not totally brain dead anymore? Yes, Clara, it does. Very perceptive of you to notice.

Foxxy: Do you know who we are, Bleh?

Bleh: Yeah, you’re Clara’s housemates. I know all you guys. Why do you all talk to me like this operation made me stupid? If I recall, it was supposed to have the opposite effect.

Spanky: You’ve got to forgive us, Bleh. We’re not used to dealing with people like you.

Bleh: You mean sane, rational people who speak in complete sentences? I suppose you’re not. By the way, Spanky. The flatulence thing? Not funny. You might want to come up with a new schtick. (Spanky acts annoyed, but Toot laughs.)

Toot: Ha, ha, ha! That’s what I’ve been saying for years! She sure cut you down to size!

Bleh: Oh what are you laughing at, you Max Fleischer reject who looks like a snowman someone spilled a bottle of ink on? (suddenly draws in her breath sharply) Oh, I’m sorry, Toot. I shouldn’t talk to you like that. I’m sure you’re very emotional now since you probably haven’t had a drink in at least two hours!

Foxxy: Now, Bleh, Toot never said nothing bad to you. There’s no need for sarcasm.

Bleh: Oh ho ho, is Foxxy Love gonna lay it on the line for me? Like she does her panties every time there’s a male pulse anywhere in the vicinity?

Foxxy: Ohhhhhhhh. It is ON, bitch! (Foxxy starts to attack her, but Clara holds her back.)

Clara: No, Foxxy, don’t! She may be acting like a bitch right now, but she’s still my cousin!

Foxxy: You’re right, Clara.

Bleh: So I’m acting like a bitch, am I? You’re one to be talking about being a bitch, Clara!

Clara: So what if I am? Yes, Bleh, I’m fully aware that I haven’t always been the most understanding person in the world. I acknowledge that’s a character flaw I have. But I’ve learned to be more aware of how what I say and do affects those around me. And it looks like that’s something you need to learn too.

Bleh: Whatever. (She points to Xandir) Ah, Xandir! Sorry I didn’t notice you before. I didn’t recognize you without some guy’s schlong in your mouth. (Xandir looks annoyed. Bleh turns to Wooldoor.) And what the crap are you supposed to be? You’ve got bat wings and a doorknob on your butt and you run around saying “Wheeeeeeeeeee!’ all the time. Tell me, Wooldoor, if you’re such a good doctor, why don’t you prescribe yourself some Ritalin? (She points to Captain Hero) And Captain Hero… (The housemates look at each other with dread. The camera cuts to a closeup of a panicked-looking Hero. In his head, a montage plays of his many perverted acts. He braces for the Bleh’s anticipated onslaught of insults.) I think your record speaks for itself.

Ling-Ling hops up on the bed.

Ling-Ling: So what you got to say to Ling-Ling, huh? Bring it on, six-toed cross-eyed bird-flipping carnival whore!

Bleh: (confused) Um… Clara?

Clara: Yes, Bleh?

Bleh: What is that thing, and why does it want to attack me? (Ling-Ling is incensed.)

Ling-Ling: How dare you not remember Ling-Ling? Prepare to die!

Ling-Ling goes into battle mode, rising up into the air and forming an energy ball. As he does this, Clara nonchalantly gets a fire extinguisher. Ling-Ling angrily hurls the ball at Bleh. Just as it is about to hit her, Clara shoots the ball with the fire extinguisher, causing it to disintegrate. She turns to Ling-Ling.

Clara: No, Ling-Ling! I will not let you kill my cousin! (looks at Bleh angrily) Even though she probably deserves it right now!

Bleh: Oh yeah, I was reeeeeeeeal scared! I almost got hit by a random assemblage of photons! Ooh, I’d better wear my sunglasses next time!

Clara: (in confessional) Bleh was getting on everyone’s nerves, but I realized I needed to cut her a break. After all, a major change had just taken place in her life, and she needed time to adjust. I figured we could renew our friendship and bond with each other by simply spending some quality time together.

Cut to Clara and Bleh sitting on the couch watching a movie on TV. It is late at night. Clara is in her nightgown, and Bleh is wearing pajamas. Both are barefoot, their feet up on a footrest. Ling-Ling sits between them, snuggled up in Clara’s arm.

Clara: Wow, I can’t believe we’re actually having movie night again! We used to do this all the time together. Remember, Bleh?

Bleh: If you say so. (She looks at Ling-Ling) Um, Clara, can I ask you a question?

Clara: You just did.

Bleh: (flatly) Yeah. Attempting to create humor by taking an obvious metaphor and simply restating it literally. Really funny, Clara.

Clara: (slightly annoyed, but being tactful) What’s your question, Bleh?

Bleh: So what’s the deal with you and the Furby there? You carry him around everywhere. Is he like your pet or something? (Ling-Ling gets huffy and puts his hands on his hips.)

Clara: He is not my pet! Well, he is my pet, but in a different sense from what you mean. Ling-Ling is actually my husband!

Bleh: Your husband? You mean… you married that?

Ling-Ling: (indignant) Ling-Ling no that! He an it! Er, Ling-Ling mean… dammit, you Artist Formerly Known as Stupid, you get Ling-Ling all confused!

Clara: Yes, I married him.

Bleh: People can marry… things?

Clara: (growing more visibly irritated) Ling-Ling is not a thing. He has feelings just like a person and I happen to love him like one.

Bleh: Really? Are you that hard up for boyfriends that you’ll date something two steps up from a throw pillow?

Clara: That’s enough, Bleh. I will not have you insulting my husband like that.

Ling-Ling: And Ling-Ling not have you insulting wife like that! Carla so beautiful she could have any man she wanted! Is it her fault Ling-Ling turn out to be one who really got it going on?

Bleh: If you say so.

Clara: Let’s just get back to watching the movie, okay? (They resume watching the movie. Finally, Bleh throws her arms up in disgust.)

Bleh: I can’t take any more of this. Just what the hell is this crap we’re watching anyway?

Clara: It’s I Am Sam. It’s your favorite movie.

Bleh: This is my favorite movie? Wow, I knew I was retarded, but I didn’t know I was THAT retarded!

Clara: You used to love the movie so much, you did nothing but quote reviews of it.

Bleh: Yeah, that was my way of trying to tell people just how much it sucked.

Clara: Okay, fine, Bleh, if you don’t want to watch this, we can watch something else. What do you want to watch? (Bleh does not respond. She is busy looking at Clara’s foot.) Bleh?

Bleh: What’s up with your feet?

Clara: My feet? What about my feet?

Bleh: You have fewer toes than I do. Do you have some genetic condition or something?

Clara: (sighs) Oh, boy. Bleh, I need to tell you something.

Bleh: And that’s not the only thing that’s different. Your middle fingers don’t stick out either. And you hold your arms differently. And your eyes. They’re… (starts to stammer)

Clara: They’re lined up with each other?

Bleh: Right! So what’s the deal with that?

Clara: Bleh, I hate to have to tell you this, but… it’s not me. It’s you.

Bleh: Isn’t that what people say when they’re breaking up with each other? Only they usually phrase it slightly differently.

Clara: What I’m trying to say, Bleh, is that the way I look… is how people are supposed to look. You look different because of your condition.

Bleh: Wait. You mean, I wasn’t just stupid? I’m also a freak?

Clara: No, Bleh, you’re not a freak!

Bleh: So basically, everything about me physically is wrong. (She stands up, then points at Clara’s chest) So is that the size breasts are supposed to be? Small like yours instead of these big freak bosoms I seem to have been cursed with? Wow, no wonder guys are always staring at my chest! It must be like looking at a train wreck!

Clara: (standing up also) No… it’s more like looking at a car wreck. After the airbags have deployed.

Bleh: I can’t deal with this, Clara. I may have always been a freak, but at least I didn’t know I was a freak. Now that I know, something’s going to have to change!

Clara: What? What can you possibly change?

Bleh: I don’t know. But give me some time and I’ll think of something. (She runs off. Clara calls after her in vain.)

Clara: Bleh? Bleh, come back! Please, Bleh, there’s nothing wrong with you. Bleh!

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Clara tries to chase after Bleh, but to no avail. As she returns to the living room, Captain Hero walks in from the kitchen.

Clara: God, does that extra toe give her some kind of superspeed?

Hero: I heard what happened in here, Clara. Do you need some help?

Clara: Thanks, Captain Hero, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

Hero: (putting his hand on Clara’s shoulder) Clara, if it’s any comfort to you… I happen to like your small breasts.

Clara: (confused) Thanks, Captain Hero.

Hero: I mean, sure, they don’t look quite as nice as they would if they were bigger, but they’re quite nice for their size. I mean, we can’t all have large breasts, you know, so we might as well appreciate what we have.

Clara: That’s got to be the most misguided attempt to make someone feel better that’s ever been done!

Hero: Clara, I realize you’re against augmentation surgery, but I just want you to know if you ever change your mind, you have my full support. Besides, they may not be my preference, but I’d still fondle them any old day! (He reaches out to touch Clara’s breast, but she smacks his hand away.)

Clara: Don’t touch me, you pig!

Hero: (walking away, his hand smarting) Wow. On second thought, forget what I said about augmentation. Large breasts would be wasted on you.

Clara: I wouldn’t sweat it too much, Captain Hero. You’re still the biggest boob in the house. (As Hero leaves, Clara sits back down on the couch, still bothered over what happened. Foxxy enters.)

Foxxy: Hey, Clara. Where’d your homegirl Bleh go?

Clara: I don’t know. She said she had to go change some things.

Foxxy: Oh, did she mess her underwear again? I told you to just get her some Depends!

Clara: No, I don’t mean- never mind. I don’t feel like getting into it.

Foxxy: What’s wrong, Clara?

Clara: Apparently I don’t have enough toes.

Foxxy: Don’t have enough toes? You’ve got the normal number, why would you want more? Oh, is that some new fetish they’ve come up with? Ooh, I need to look into that! I’ve actually been looking for some new fetishes to get into.

Clara: I gather your attempt at celibacy isn’t going too well.

Foxxy: No, actually, it’s going great, Clara. I really feel like Captain Hero and I are starting to get to know each other. Maybe it’s time we give in and finally do it.

Clara: Are you sure, Foxxy? If you’re really getting to know each other, it means the plan is working. Just try giving it a few more days, okay? I’m sure you can hold out until, say… the 11th.

Foxxy: I hope so, Clara. I know it’s going to be tough on me, but I just have to think of what I’ll be gaining from the experience. Thanks, Clara. I knew if anyone around here was an expert at not having sex, it was you.

Clara: It’s what I’m good at! (Foxxy leaves. Clara cuddles up on the couch with Ling-Ling.)

Ling-Ling: Not as good as you used to be. (Clara has a look of mock astonishment on her face.) Ling-Ling think Carla slipping.

Clara: (playfully) Why, if you weren’t my husband, I’d slap your face for that. (They resume cuddling as Ling-Ling grins.)

The scene changes to the following morning. Clara and Ling-Ling are asleep on the couch, having fallen asleep while watching TV. As Clara comes around, she hears Hero and Foxxy talking behind her.

Foxxy: So what do you think?

Hero: So all we have to do is secretly have sex with each other and just not tell anybody? That’s brilliant! (Clara turns and looks at them.)

Foxxy: I mean, I think we’ve reached the point in our relationship where we can- (They suddenly notice Clara is looking at them.)

Clara: Good morning, guys.

Hero: Clara! We didn’t realize you were here! That’s a sneaky way you have of eavesdropping!

Clara: Yeah, I always go to places where I somehow know someone is going to have a secret conversation, make myself fall asleep, and somehow avoid being noticed for eight hours!

Hero: (to Foxxy) We may have to dispose of her.

Clara: Really, Captain Hero, I don’t care. If you two want to do it, go ahead and do it. It’s your own lives to deal with. I’ve stopped trying to be everyone’s big sister around here.

Foxxy: (to Hero) So you want to go upstairs?

Hero: No, she’s ruined it for me! You see what you did, Clara? Now I don’t want to break my stupid vow anymore!

Clara: Sorry! (pauses) By the way, have any of you guys seen Bleh?

Foxxy: We thought she was with you.

Clara: You’re right! She IS with me! Now where did I put her? (She begins looking under the cushions, then she starts picking up random objects in the room to see if Bleh is under them.) Bleh? Now I last had her in my pocket when I was doing laundry… (Just at that moment, Wooldoor rushes in.)

Wooldoor: Clara, are you looking for Bleh, by chance?

Clara: Yes, I am, Wooldoor. (She is holding a flowerpot.)

Wooldoor: You think she’s in a flowerpot?

Clara: She might be. I hear she’s pretty limber.

Wooldoor: Actually, Clara, I think I know where she is.

Clara: Where?

Cut to the door outside Wooldoor’s doctor’s office. The housemates are all assembled.

Wooldoor: I went into my office to play a practical joke by switching everyone’s charts around and making it look like they have terminal diseases when I heard something coming from the surgery room. I tried to go in, but whoever’s in there locked the door from the inside.

Clara: Oh no! Bleh!

Xandir: Bleh?

Clara: Bleh got it into her head that she’s some kind of deformed freak. She said she was going to have to change some things, and then she ran off.

Foxxy: Oh, no! You think Bleh is in there trying to operate on herself? We gots to get in and stop her!

Hero: Stand back, everyone! I’ll knock the door down with my super strength! (He backs up as far as he can, then charges at the door. Just as his head is about to hit it, the door opens inwardly. Hero charges into the room, collides with a large medical apparatus, and falls to the ground in a heap.)

Bleh: You know, you could have just knocked. (As soon as she appears, the housemates are completely arrested by how Bleh now looks.)

Clara: Bleh! You look so…(struggles for the word)

Bleh: Not freakish?

Clara: Yes! Your eyes aren’t crossed anymore, you have five toes on each foot, you don’t have an overbite, your middle fingers don’t stick up all the time, and you’re holding your arms normally now! How on earth did you do it?

Bleh: I just did a little operation. Fixed it right up.

Clara: You did surgery on yourself?

Bleh: Yeah. Apparently I’m some kind of medical genius now. It didn’t even hurt! Oh, but I didn’t have time to fix the overly large breasts. I guess I’ll have to get those later.

Hero: (rejoining the group) No!!! Don’t change your breasts, Bleh! They were the one thing about your body that was right!

Bleh: So guys DO like big breasts! You lied to me, Clara!

Clara: I never said they didn’t! I just said size isn’t everything!

Hero: Size isn’t everything. Good one, Clara!

Bleh: (to group) So I’m to gather you all approve of the changes? (Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor all nod very enthusiastically.) So let me see if I’ve got this straight. When I was the way I was born, I was a freak who existed mainly for your entertainment. And now that I’m beautiful, I’m suddenly worthy of being your friend.

Clara: Now that’s not fair, Bleh! Yes, maybe there were some jokes made at your expense before, but we all loved you for who you were! The only reason I even agreed to you having an operation in the first place was because I thought it would make YOU happier! If I’d known it was going to make you mean and condescending, I wouldn’t have bothered!

Bleh: Oh, sure! You were only thinking of me, because you’re Princess Clara, who believes in love and kindness toward all! Unless you happen to be of another race or a different religion.

Clara: (on the verge of tears) I… I don’t know if I can deal with this anymore. Bleh, I’ve tried everything I can think of to help you, and you don’t seem to want to be helped.

Bleh: That’s your problem, Clara. I’m not some sick little girl who needs people to help her. I’m sorry you think you have to be a good little Christian and solve everyone’s problems just so you can feel good about yourself.

Clara: Well, if that’s how you feel about it, I’m not helping you anymore! (In tears, she leaves. Ling-Ling looks after her, then turns to Bleh.)

Ling-Ling: You make Carla cry! Ling-Ling not forget this. But he have to deal with you later. First he go make sure Carla all right. (He leaves to find Clara. Foxxy looks at Bleh angrily.)

Foxxy: Now you know that wasn’t fair, Bleh. Now maybe she was a little misguided, but everything Clara did she did out of love for you. You have no right to treat her that way.

Bleh: Oh, I see how it is. I go through struggle after struggle in my own life and no one cares, but the precious Clara has her feelings hurt and everyone rushes to her side!

Foxxy: You want to know why we stick up for Clara, Bleh? It’s because she loves us for who we are and treats us like friends no matter what we do to her.

Spanky: And we’ve done some pretty bad things to her. I got her thrown in jail.

Toot: I pushed her down the stairs.

Foxxy: I punched her out and gave her electrical shocks.

Hero: I murdered her a couple of times.

Bleh: So this is what you do to someone you consider your friend? What is wrong with you people?

Spanky: Yeah, um, we’re kind of a messed up group. But while we may be totally dysfunctional as individuals, as a group we’re rock solid. We stand by each other no matter what!

Toot: That’s right. We truly are a house drawn together… with love!

Foxxy: Bleh, when Clara first came to this house, she was a self-centered, spoiled racist. But under our loving guidance, she’s turned into one of the sweetest, most caring individuals you could ever know.

Bleh: You consider all the physical violence you inflicted on her loving guidance? It sounds more to me like you just cowered her into submission.

Hero: Bleh, we’ve all had problems to deal with and lessons to learn since we’ve been in this house together, Clara included. But the important thing is we helped each other. We’re all messed up in our own way, Bleh. There’s no one on this earth that’s above needing help. (He suddenly notices Bleh is looking at him strangely.) Bleh?

Bleh: (suddenly breaks her concentration) You’re right, Captain Hero. I’m sorry, you guys, I’ve just had a lot happen to me recently and I’m still trying to take it all in. Just give me time, okay?

Xandir: Of course, Bleh. No problem.

Foxxy: Well, guys, let’s leave Bleh alone for a while. We’ll go see how Clara is. (They all start to walk off. However, as Captain Hero starts to walk off with them, he suddenly feels a hand on his shoulder.)

Bleh: Not so fast, Captain Hero. I have something to discuss with you.

Hero: I expected you might.

Bleh: Captain Hero, I just want you to know that none of what I said just now applies to you. You were always really nice to me.

Hero: That’s true, Bleh. I did genuinely care about you.

Bleh: I know you did, and I appreciated that. That brief time we were together was one of the most magical times of my entire life. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it ever since I got the ability to do so. (Hero begins to get worried.)

Hero: Um, look, Bleh, about that. I… er, I… (suddenly turns his head) What’s that Spanky? Toot got crushed by a giant donut? I’d better go save her! Sorry, Bleh, I’ll talk to you later. (He dashes off. Bleh stands after him looking confused.)

Bleh: What the crap was that all about? (As she continues to stare after Hero, Toot suddenly walks up behind her.)

Toot: Excuse me, did Captain Hero say something about there being a giant donut?

Clara: (in confessional) I was about to come to the conclusion that Bleh was unreachable. The only way I could think of to fix the situation was to talk to the person who caused it.

Cut to Wooldoor’s office.

Wooldoor: ANOTHER operation? But why?

Clara: Since you seem to be so good at screwing around with people’s brains, I figure you can just fix the part that makes her so bitchy!

Wooldoor: Clara, brain surgery doesn’t work like that. I mean, I can make her smart or I can make her rock stupid, but I can’t change individual personality traits. If I could, I’d have done that on you guys a long time ago!

Clara: (sadly) I see.

Wooldoor: If you want, I could make her retarded again.

Clara: Make her retarded again? But what would that accomplish?

Wooldoor: It would turn her back to the way she was. You know, too stupid to be mean.

Clara: I don’t know, Wooldoor. I’d just feel really bad about doing that to her. Although… the main reason I let you cure her was so that she could be happy… and I can’t see how she’s that happy now. She was happier when she was retarded, I think.

Wooldoor: So do you want me to change her back?

Clara: (thinks for a moment, then finally speaks) No. No, Wooldoor, don’t operate on her again. It isn’t right for us to just keep tweaking her and tweaking her until we finally get what we want. She’s not a bowl of soup.

Wooldoor: Are you sure? Cause she’s probably going to change back anyway.

Clara: What are you talking about?

Wooldoor: The effects of the operation I gave her are just temporary. As soon as her brain adjusts to the effects of the surgery, it’s going to wear off and revert back to the way it was before.

Clara: Then why did you offer to operate on her again?

Wooldoor: I thought you wanted to speed up the process. (Clara looks at him in mild exasperation.)

Clara: (in confessional) As sad as I was that Bleh wasn’t going to be able to keep her newfound intelligence, a part of me was glad. Maybe now I could finally get my old friend back. But I felt I needed to talk to Bleh one on one before she went so I could make sure she knew exactly how I felt about her.

Cut to Clara talking to Bleh.

Clara: Bleh, I have some news for you.

Bleh: Crossroads sucks too? I’m way ahead of you.

Clara: No, Bleh. It’s about you. That operation Wooldoor gave you… this is difficult for me to say. It’s only… temporary.

Bleh: Oh no! You mean I’m going to go back to being special? Wow... the only thing I can think of to say is… (suddenly becomes dismissive) big whoop!

Clara: I can tell by your tone you don’t believe me, but I swear to you, I’m telling you the truth.

Bleh: I know you are, Clara. And it’s not because I think you’re a perfect little girl who would never ever lie. I just happen to know already that the operation was only temporary.

Clara: And you’re okay with it? You’re okay with going back to the way you were?

Bleh: No. If I went back to being like I was before, I’d want to tear my hair out again. It’s that I’m not GOING back to being special. I’m going to stay smart.

Clara: What was that Foxxy said to me once about denial? I don’t remember, but it was really witty. If I could remember it, I’d say it to you right now! So just imagine that I did and get all flabbergasted.

Bleh: I’m not in denial, Clara. You remember that operation I gave myself to fix all my physical deformities? While I was doing that, I found a way to make my condition permanent. So it looks like smart Bleh is here to stay.

Clara: Well, that’s wonderful! So does this mean you’re really and truly happier like you are?

Bleh: Yes, Clara, I am. And I’m glad you finally decided to ask me if I was happy rather than just making assumptions about it.

Clara: Look, Bleh, I’m sorry if my housemates and I weren’t always so nice to you, but we really did love you.

Bleh: I know you did, Clara. I’m sorry I didn’t act more appreciative. I just expected everyone to like me right off the bat. I guess I should have tried being nice to them first and given them a chance.

Clara: It’s not too late, you know. I think I can talk them into forgiving you and becoming your friend. Provided you do one thing for me first.

Bleh: What is it?

Clara: You become my friend again first.

Bleh: Deal. (They shake hands, then hug. Captain Hero walks by and sees them hugging.)

Hero: Ooh la la! (Bleh and Clara break off the hug.)

Bleh: Captain Hero. I need to talk to you about something.

Hero: Whoa, gotta go.

He dashes off. Clara and Bleh stand there silently for a moment. Finally, Hero returns.

Hero: You know what, no. I’m not going to run from you any longer. Bleh, I have something I have to say to you, and I’m just going to bite the bullet and say it.

Bleh: Actually, Captain Hero, I have something to say to you first.

Hero: No, I think I need to go first.

Clara: Captain Hero, please let Bleh go first. I think it’s important to her.

Hero: Okay, fine. What is it you have to say, Bleh?

Bleh: Captain Hero, when I was in this house the first time, you and I had a very sweet, romantic relationship together. And I know you have a reputation as a Casanova, but I knew your feelings for me were true and real, and I truly loved and respected you for that. (Hero looks at her silently.) Unfortunately, while I cared for you very much as a friend, I never loved you in the same way you loved me. The truth is that I only went out with you to win a bet.

Hero: (angrily) You what? You only slept with me to win a bet? That’s appalling! I feel so used!

Clara: Um, Captain Hero, you did the same thing to- (Hero suddenly clamps his hand over Clara’s mouth.)

Hero: That’s okay, Bleh. I forgive you. I know if you had been able to tell me the truth at the time, you would have.

Bleh: No, I wouldn’t have. I was totally playing you. I wasn’t even remorseful about it. I’m really sorry NOW, though. I hope we can still be friends.

Hero: I admit, I’m still a bit miffed, but I accept your apology. We can still be friends.

Bleh: So what was it you wanted to say to me?

Hero: Oh, it’s nothing. Never mind.

Bleh: Were you going to tell me that you were flattered I was still in love with you, but you couldn’t get involved with me again because you’re in love with Foxxy now? (Hero looks at her in astonishment.)

Hero: Yes! That’s it exactly! How did you know?

Bleh: I’m really smart now, remember?

Hero: You certainly are!

Clara: You know, I think I’m beginning to like the new Bleh! You were worried about people liking you, Bleh. It seems to me that someone super gorgeous and now super smart as well shouldn’t have any trouble being liked!

Bleh: Yeah. I rock the house now! Hey, Clara, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go get into our PJs and curl up on the couch and watch a movie together?

Clara: Great idea, Bleh! So what do you want to watch? I Am Sam?

Bleh: “I Am Sam is a big steaming pile of dog doo that’s the emotional equivalent of having invasive root canal surgery without an anesthetic,” raves Bleh of Crappy Movies I Used To Like But Since I Got Smart I Don’t Anymore Magazine!

Clara: Bleh and I are going to go to the video store now. We’ll talk to you guys later. (They leave. After they go, Foxxy enters.)

Foxxy: Well, well, well. So Captain Hero finally confronted the Blehmonster. Sort of.

Hero: Yes, Foxxy, I did. I’m sorry it took so long.

Foxxy: So was that true what she said? Are you really in love with me? (She puts her arms around him.)

Hero: I think I might just be.

Foxxy: Do you love me like you loved her?

Hero: More. I mean, better. I mean, whichever’s grammatically correct.

Foxxy: Now Captain Hero, hasn’t anyone ever told you love and grammar don’t mix?

Hero: No they haven’t, Foxxy. Except for that time I dated an English teacher. I just wish she hadn’t made me write, “I will not prematurely ejaculate in class or do nasty things with the rulers” on the blackboard 500 times that one time.

Foxxy: So what do you think? You think it’s time to end our holdout?

Hero: Yes, I think we’re ready.

Foxxy: Perfect! Now I can finally stop calling Vibraco! You know, I think I’m singlehandedly keeping that company in business.

Hero: Oh, that’s nonsense, Foxxy.

Cut to the Vibraco headquarters. On the outside of the building is a large sign with Foxxy’s face on it. The caption on the sign reads, “Vibraco, Inc.- Serving Foxxy Love since 1986!” As the camera remains on the sign, we hear voices coming from a window next to the sign.

Voice 1: Bad news, sir. I just got a call from Foxxy Love. She said she won’t be ordering from us anymore.

Voice 2: No!!!! We’re finished! Oh, well, I guess we’d better call the boys in the warehouse and tell them to pack everything up.

Cut back to Foxxy and Hero.

Hero: Tell you what, Foxxy. There are too many prying eyes around here. Let’s go somewhere more private where we won’t be disturbed.

Foxxy: Ooh, I know the perfect place!

Cut to Wooldoor’s doctor’s office. The room is empty, but sounds can be heard coming from the surgery room. Spanky Ham enters holding a large disgusting blob.

Spanky: Hey, Wooldoor! I accidentally drank too much again and ended up throwing up that new liver you gave me. You think you could put it back in for me? (He looks around and sees no one.) Wooldoor? I guess he’s not here.

Just then, Spanky notices the sounds coming from the surgery room. He walks over and peers through the window.

Spanky: (excited) Oh my God, they’re doing it! Hero and Foxxy are finally doing it! And I think I have today! That means I win the pool! Woohoo! Life is good! (He walks away from the surgery room door and over to Wooldoor’s filing cabinet.) Let’s see, now where did I put the list of the dates everyone had? (He rummages through the cabinet.) I know I had it in here somewhere. (He comes across something interesting.) Ah, my personal file. That must be where I put it. (Spanky opens the file.) Yep, there it is. I have today in the pool, which means I win! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! And best of all, nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong! (Suddenly he notices something else in the file and becomes slightly alarmed.) Wait a minute. What is this? (As he looks at the file more intently, his eyes grow extremely wide, and finally he goes into complete panic.) Oh my God! I HAVE A TERMINAL DISEASE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


THE END