Post by Raymond-Raymond on Feb 15, 2007 23:22:37 GMT -5
HI HI LING-LING FOXXYUMI
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Cut to the interior, where Clara and Ling-Ling stand at the door with several suitcases.
Clara: Okay, Ling-Ling, before we go, let’s make sure we’ve got everything, okay? We wouldn’t want to get all the way to Asia and realize we’ve forgotten something.
Ling-Ling: Carla… Ling-Ling keep telling you. They have stores in Asia. Just like here. Whole continent not just one big rice farm. You thinking of South America.
Clara: (as the other housemates begin to gather round) Then I guess we’re ready to go.
Spanky: So the little guy’s finally taking you to visit his homeland. What took you so long?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not like to talk about it. He banned from country for long time. Some made up story about putting rabid chickens in honorable emperor’s kimono. Ling-Ling insist he innocent until day he die despite photographic evidence.
Foxxy: Well, I hope you guys have a good time. (Ling-Ling, looking out the door, begins tugging on Clara’s dress.)
Clara: (looking out door) It looks like our cab’s here. Bye, you guys. I hope life here doesn’t get too boring without us.
Xandir: Oh, we’ll get by somehow.
Clara: Talk to you later!
Clara and Ling-Ling leave. Foxxy closes the door behind them. The group stand there silently for a moment as Hero stands by the window. After a long pause, Spanky finally speaks up.
Spanky: They gone yet?
Hero: They’re gone!
Spanky: All right, everybody, the prude’s gone! Time to party!
Immediately the mood becomes a festive one, and the atmosphere is extremely wild and uninhibited. Spanky begins playing loud rock music on a big boom box. Foxxy drags a large crate out of the closet and opens it. It is stacked to the gills with booze. Everyone begins grabbing bottles and chugging them.
Spanky: Hey, Hero! Get me a cantaloupe out of the kitchen!
Hero: You got it, Spanky!
Hero grabs a cantaloupe and chucks it at Spanky, who proceeds to defecate into it. Wooldoor jumps and catches onto the ceiling fan and begins spinning around on it.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Depravity is fun!
Hero walks over to a window and punches through it with his fist. He then begins grabbing random pieces of furniture and breaking them in half with his super strength, then throwing them across the room to the sound of cats screaming. Xandir grabs a vacuum cleaner out of the closet, places the hose over his private areas, and turns it on, giggling girlishly. Toot simply sits next to the crate of booze, grabbing one bottle after another and chugging it voraciously. Suddenly the music stops. The group turns to the boom box, where we see Foxxy Love standing over it.
Foxxy: Now hold on just a minute, y’all. This is wrong. We shouldn’t be doing things like this.
Xandir: Like what?
Foxxy: You know… wearing clothes. The Foxxy’s always said drunken debauchery’s most fun when you’s is stark naked!
Hero: Okay!
As she takes her top off, Foxxy hits play on the boom box again. One by one, we see all the group stopping to remove their clothes, then immediately resuming the activities they were previously engaged in.
Wooldoor: (now naked, swinging from the ceiling fan) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! This is even MORE fun!
As everyone continues in their revelry, the camera pulls out.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to Xandir’s bedroom. He is painting his nails as he listens to the radio. Wooldoor reads a book while dangling from the ceiling fan by his feet.
DJ: And that was an old classic from those veterans of roots rock, the Appreciative Nonliving.
Xandir: Boooooo!
DJ: And before that we heard the latest Alanis Morisette single, “I’m Angsty About Not Being Angsty Anymore”.
Xandir: Boooooo!
DJ: But coming up next, we have the latest single from that hot new boy band, 212 Degrees Fahrenheit!
Xandir: Yaaaaaay!
The song begins playing. Xandir begins grooving to it. Wooldoor keeps trying to read, but becomes annoyed.
Wooldoor: Um, Xandir, could we turn the music down? I’m trying to concentrate.
Xandir: But Wooldoor, it’s 212 Degrees Fahrenheit!
Wooldoor: So? Who are they?
Xandir: Only the hottest boy band on the planet right now!
Wooldoor: Which planet? This one?
Xandir: Well, duuuuuhhhhh! (Wooldoor drops from the ceiling and begins listening to the music.)
Wooldoor: So you really like these guys?
Xandir: You bet! They’re my all-time favorite band! Much better than Out of Sync or BLT.
Wooldoor: But the guy on the radio said they were new.
Xandir: They are. Their first album came out last week.
Wooldoor: And they’re your all-time favorite band?
Xandir: Don’t deny their profound and long-lasting influence on music history, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I don’t get it. They sound like every other band out there. What’s so great about them?
Xandir: This! (shows Wooldoor a magazine) Look! Aren’t they cute?
Wooldoor: I bet you’re one of those guys who camps out at the store waiting for the new Britney Spears album to go on sale.
Xandir: (excited) Britney’s got a new album coming out? How have I not heard about this? (He begins hyperventilating. Hero walks in.)
Hero: Good God, Xandir, are you still listening to that awful teenybopper crap?
Xandir: Oh, you guys don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the best music in the world. I bet if I asked everyone else in the house, they’d agree with me!
Cut to outside Xandir’s bedroom. As the music blares, Toot and Spanky are standing there with angry looks on their faces. Toot is holding an axe.
Toot: All right, here’s the plan. First we break down the door, then I kill Xandir while you smash his radio to tiny little bits.
Spanky: Can I urinate on it?
Toot: Absolutely! The important thing is that we give Xandir his comeuppance for punishing the rest of us like this.
Spanky: Right on! That’ll teach him a lesson!
Toot: Wait a minute, Spanky… I’m starting to wonder if even though we hate this music, Xandir likes it, and given that music is a matter of personal taste, his opinion is just as valid as ours and thus we have no right to persecute him for it. Isn’t that possible?
Spanky (pauses for a moment) No.
Toot: Okay, just checking.
Cut to a large green field. As a caption reading “Asia” appears, the camera pans the landscape. We see a Buddhist temple come into view, followed by the Great Wall of China (with Mongol hordes storming it), two sumos wrestling, peasants with triangular headgear harvesting rice, the Taj Mahal, a thicket next to which are several crates of boxes with the words “Secret Agent Orange Stash” written on them, an old man washing clothes, a roadside fireworks stand being patronized by a large dragon with many people’s legs visible underneath it, and finally, Godzilla and Hello Kitty sitting on a blanket together having a picnic. Finally, the scene fades to an ancient looking house. Clara and Ling-Ling walk up to the door.
Ling-Ling: This the place! (begins pushing doorbell, which is very low on the door, close to the ground)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, I’m so excited to finally meet your family and see the place where you grew up!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, it be hoot. (There is no answer.) Hmm, Father must have gone out for a while. I guess he had emergency come up at his job.
Clara: I thought your father was a dry cleaner.
Ling-Ling: He is. But you know, some people want their shirts clean and want them clean right now, dammit! (Clara laughs) It okay. Ling-Ling have key. (He pulls out a key and unlocks the door. He opens it for Clara.)
Clara: Oh, thank you, Ling-Ling! (Ling-Ling enters. Clara starts to follow him inside but then quickly stops.) Whoops, almost forgot! Not supposed to wear shoes inside the house! (She removes her shoes and sets them down outside.)
Ling-Ling: Aww, how nice of Carla to honor Ling-Ling’s customs.
Clara: I’m happy to, Ling-Ling! So why the shoe removal, I’m just curious? Is it a religious thing? Like how sometimes I pray barefoot to show humility?
Ling-Ling: No… it mainly because we just hate cleaning the carpet.
Clara: Oh. Well, that makes sense. (She looks around. It is very much a traditional looking Asian home.) Wow… you have a very nice home here, Ling-Ling. It’s about like how I pictured it, too. Only without quite so much Sailor Moon memorabilia.
Ling-Ling: What can Ling-Ling say? She national hero. Oh, wait. Ling-Ling have something for you! (He quickly runs out of the room, then returns holding a light purple silken garment.) Here. Put it on. (He hands it to Clara, who proceeds to unfold it.)
Clara: Why, Ling-Ling, it’s a kimono!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling know what it is. (She puts it on.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, it’s beautiful. Now I’m almost like a real Asian person!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla look beautiful in it. Even if she still whiter than Frosty the Snowman. (Just then, Ling-Ling’s father emerges from the other room.)
Jun-Jee: Hello? Someone in Ling home uninvited? Jun-Jee keep telling you he no want to join your cult! Even if it always Jun-Jee dream to ride on spaceship.
Ling-Ling (excited) Father!
Jun-Jee: Hello, honorable son! Father not hear you come in! He busy in other room shining ceremonial samurai sword.
Ling-Ling: (to Clara) He used to be great warrior.
Jun-Jee: (looking at Clara) So this Ling-Ling new bride, eh? You right, son. She very beautiful. (Clara kneels down to shake his hand.)
Clara: It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Ling. Your son has told me so much about you.
Jun-Jee: (hits Ling-Ling angrily with cane) You telling human lady Ling family secrets again? Jun-Jee warn you about that, Ling-Ling!
Clara: No, Mr. Ling. I just mean that Ling-Ling just keeps talking about what a great father he has.
Jun-Jee: Oh. Well, that right. But you no call Jun-Jee Mr. Ling. Call him Jun-Jee.
Clara: Thank you, Jun-Jee.
Jun-Jee: I have idea. How would human lady like to see Jun-Jee sword collection?
Clara: Ewww… no!
Jun-Jee: (surprised) No?
Clara: (realizes) Oh, you meant actual swords! Sorry, I’m used to that meaning something else. I’d love to! Let’s go! (They walk off.)
Cut back to Toot and Spanky standing outside Xandir’s door. Toot tapping the axe menacingly in her hand.
Toot: All right… on the count of three, we break down the door and invade!
Spanky: Or we could just open it. I’m pretty sure Xandir doesn’t ever lock it.
Toot: Nah. Breaking it down is much more fun! So we ready? (Spanky nods.) On the count of three. One… Two… (Toot prepares to swing the axe.) Three! Go!
Spanky pushes the door open. He and Toot both storm in.
Toot: Xandir… we’ve got a couple of things to say to you. First… (hands him the axe) here’s your axe back. You left it in my room again.
Xandir: Oh, thanks, Toot. So what’s the other thing?
Spanky: This! (He points angrily at the radio.) Xandir, this has gotta stop.
Xandir: Let me guess. You don’t like my music.
Toot: (holding her ears) Geeeeee, whatever gave you that idea?
Spanky: Xandir, if you want to listen to this crap, fine. Just get a pair of headphones so the rest of us don’t have to put up with it as well.
Xandir: But I don’t like to wear headphones. They mess with my hair.
Toot: It’s okay, Spanky, I know how we can solve this problem. (She covers her ears again.) I’ll just drown this crap out with MY singing! (She begins singing very loudly.) Some people wait a lifetime… for a MOOOOOOMENT LIKE THIS!!! (Xandir cringes. In the background, we can see Hero and Wooldoor sneaking out the window.) Come on, Spanky! Join me! (Spanky covers his ears as well and begins singing along with Toot. Xandir writhes on the bed in agony until finally, the mood is broken by the arrival of a very angry Foxxy Love.)
Foxxy: Do you mind telling me just what the hell be going on in here? The Foxxy ain’t heard screeching like that since she accidentally drove across the state with a cat stuck in her fanbelt!
Xandir: Toot and Spanky are trying to make me quit playing my music.
Foxxy: Oh, you guys, not that again! How many times have I tried to tell you what Xandir wants to listen to is his business! Music is a matter of personal taste. Your opinion isn’t any more or less valid than his.
Toot: Even when Xandir chooses to listen to… this? (She motions toward the radio where the group can hear the music playing.)
Foxxy: I don’t see what the big problem is. As far as I can tell, it’s just music. Nothing but… (She begins noticing the song playing. A worried look crosses her face.) Um, Xandir. Who is this?
Xandir: Oh, that’s the Jaguar Girls! Aren’t they great?
Foxxy: This song sounds really familiar. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was… (Suddenly it hits her.) Oh my God, it is! (She points at the radio.) That song! That’s a Foxxy 5 song!
Xandir: Um, no, it’s not. I just told you it was the Jaguar Girls.
Foxxy: No, Xandir. I mean, the Jaguar Girls is doing a cover version of one of my songs!
Xandir: You mean, “I’m Not a Tramp, Not Yet a Ho”- that was originally by the Foxxy 5?
Foxxy: It was indeed! And if you had any conception of music beyond what they’s currently playing on the radio, you would know that!
Xandir: Wow, that’s really cool!
Foxxy: Cool? There ain’t nothin’ cool about it! They’s is taking one of the songs I worked my ass off to come up with and they’s ruinin’ it! They’s is making money by desecratin’ my hard work! Ohhhhhh… it is on!
Toot: What are you going to do, Foxxy?
Foxxy: The same thing I always do whenever they try to cut off my VD meds- bitch and complain till I get my way! (walks to door) Now if y’all will excuse me, the Foxxy’s got work to do! She’s got to go get herself worked into a tizzy over something so she can then direct that anger toward the problem. The Foxxy likes to make the most efficient use of her anger.
Spanky: So how are you going to get yourself worked up?
Cut to Foxxy watching Jerry Springer on TV.
Foxxy: Oh, I don’t believe your dumb ass went and told that girl that! And you’s is already sleeping with his brother’s cousin’s best friend, and now you’s is pregnant with his uncle’s father’s sister’s mother’s cousin’s illegitimate child. All y’alls make me so mad!
Cut to Jun-Jee’s house. Jun-Jee enters his trophy room followed by Clara and Ling-Ling.
Jun-Jee: This Jun-Jee trophy room. What you think?
Clara surveys the room in wide-eyed amazement. All the walls are adorned with heads of wild animals mounted as trophies. The place resembles a hunter’s lodge, only with samurai swords instead of guns. Clara walks over to a glass case where Jun-Jee stores his weapons. Above the case, she sees a plaque reading, “Jun-Jee, proud member of the NSA (National Sword Assocation)”. Next to the plaque is a photograph of Jun-Jee wearing hunter’s orange and holding a sword standing next to Charlton Heston. Down below the photograph is a framed gold record and an album cover, “Jun-Jee Sings”. Clara doesn’t quite know what to think.
Clara: Wow… did you really kill all these animals?
Jun-Jee: No. They run through wall and get stuck. (He begins laughing.) Ha ha, Jun-Jee love that joke.
Ling-Ling: Father, I think Carla bothered by how you kill animals. She love animals. They very close to her heart.
Jun-Jee: Oh no, not damn bleeding heart liberal again! (to Clara) Look, you get off my back already, damn PETA! Second amendment guarantee Jun-Jee Constitutional right to bear samurai sword! And what point of having samurai sword if Jun-Jee not kill with it?
Clara: (obviously still quite bothered) No, it’s okay, I understand.
Ling-Ling angrily walks over to Jun-Jee and begins whispering in his ear. Jun-Jee nods reluctantly.
Jun-Jee: Fine, fine. (to Clara). Um, Carla, there something Jun-Jee forget to tell you. He misrepresent what he do earlier. He not kill animals for sport. He only kill these animals here because they all bad animals. Molest children.
Clara: All of these animals were molesting children? I find that hard to believe. (Ling-Ling whispers something else in Jun-Jee’s ear.)
Jun-Jee: They say bad things about Jesus, too. Call him bearded stoner hippie. They say he gay too.
Clara: (angry) What? How dare they! (She casts an angry glance across all the trophies in the room.) You blaspheming demons! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! You deserve to be dead! (Ling-Ling and his father look at each other and nod.)
Cut to the Drawn Together house. Foxxy is on the telephone.
Foxxy: Hello, is this Hits 109? Yes, I am a concerned listener to your radio station, and I would like to request that you please stop playing the song, “I’m Not a Tramp, Not Yet a Ho”, by the Jaguar Girls. (pause) Well, sir, I don’t care if it’s a massive hit. (pause) No, sir, I don’t care if your listeners really want to hear it. (pauses) No, sir, I don’t care if the record company is giving you something called payola to play it. I hate that record and I want it off your playlist! (pause) Well, the same to you, bitch!
Foxxy draws a line on a piece of paper. The camera switches to a shot of the paper. The top of the paper says, “List of radio stations in the United States”. Foxxy has marked a line through most of the stations on the list. Beside each line is a comment. Some of the visible comments are, “Told me to go to hell”, “Told me to go jump off a bridge”, and “Told me to go fall off a cliff”. Another comment reads, “Told me to go shove firecrackers up my ass”, with the words “Remember this one for later” written next to it in parentheses. Foxxy writes a new comment next to the station she has just called. Visible is the phrase “Told me to go f k myself”, with the remaining letters blocked by her hand. The shot changes back to Foxxy. She puts the pencil down in despair. Toot walks up to her.
Toot: No luck, Foxxy?
Foxxy: I’ve been at this all day and I haven’t gotten one station to say they’d stop playing that record. It’s almost like the music industry don’t revolve around Foxxy no more.
Toot: Well, Foxxy, I think you’re missing the big picture here. I mean, even if you did get that record off the radio, would it really solve anything? The radio stations would just start playing some other crappy song to replace it. The only way to solve this problem once and for all… (she pulls an axe out from under a chair) is to get rid of all the radio stations! (She begins laughing maniacally.)
Xandir: (entering) Hey, Toot, did you see my axe?
Toot: Yeah, you left it in here again. (hands him the axe) I was just about to take it back to you.
Xandir: Thanks! Well, time to get back to my radio! They’re playing a Jaguar Girls marathon this weekend! All their hit songs back to back!
Toot: How many hits do they have?
Xandir: Just two. But they’re playing them both back to back. I sure don’t want to miss that! Ta ta! (He leaves. Foxxy turns to Toot.)
Foxxy: And how do you suggest we get rid of all the radio stations?
Toot: We call a press conference and tell everyone that they molested a bunch of children! Even if they stay out of jail, the public will turn against them. I mean, nobody likes child molesters! People will stop listening to them, and soon they’ll be forced to go out of business!
Foxxy: Tell people that a RADIO STATION is molesting children. Toot, how is that even possible?
Toot: You know, if you aim the signal a certain way, it can make the kids- never mind. Oh, wait, I’ve got an idea! What if we tell people that the song has Satanic messages in it?
Foxxy: Satanic messages?
Toot: Yeah, we tell people that if you play the record backwards, it says a bunch of stuff about worshipping Satan!
Foxxy: Oh, Toot, that’s just crazy.
Toot: What about this, then? We make up some story about how someone was listening to this record and they killed themselves. Then we tell people it was because of the record! Everyone will HATE the song then and our problems will be over!
Foxxy: Toot, do all your solutions involve either sexual abuse or violence?
Toot: (pauses and thinks) Yes. Some even involve both! Like this one. Okay, first we kidnap a midget…
Cut to Jun-Jee’s house. Clara sits on the floor, preparing to eat. Ling-Ling brings some dishes and sets them in front of her.
Clara: Wow, I can’t believe I’m eating like real Asian people.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling keep telling you, Carla. You no have to follow Asian customs. Ling-Ling want Carla to do what she feels comfortable with.
Clara: Oh no, Ling-Ling, I want to follow all your customs! This is really fascinating to me! I feel like I’m experiencing a whole other world. While I’m here, Ling-Ling, I want to be a traditional Asian person just like you and your dad.
Jun-Jee walks into the room. He walks over to Clara and looks at the food in the bowl in front of her, then walks past her. He walks to the other end of the room where we see a recliner positioned in front of a big TV set. Jun-Jee hops up on the recliner, reaches into a cooler next to him on the floor, and pulls out a beer. He pops open the beer, then grabs a remote control and turns on the TV.
Jun-Jee: Ah… time for Matlock. Jun-Jee never miss an episode. (As he begins drinking the beer, the shot changes back to Clara and Ling-Ling. Clara shifts her glance from Jun-Jee to Ling-Ling.)
Clara: So anyway… (looks at food) This looks delicious, Ling-Ling! What is it?
Ling-Ling (pointing at bowls) That one chicken. That one rice. That one cat. That one there fried sushi.
Clara: I think I’ll start with the rice. (She picks up the bowl.) Um… I think you forgot to bring the silverware, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not forget. (He pulls out a set of chopsticks and hands it to Clara.)
Clara: Ooh, chopsticks! Of course, how could I forget?
They sit down and begin to eat. Clara tries to pick up the rice between the chopsticks and finds it difficult. She tries again, but keeps dropping it. Finally, she lifts the chopsticks up to her mouth and puts the food in.
Clara: One grain of rice? That’s all I had?
Ling-Ling: Yeah, that pretty much all they can hold. They not really most efficient utensil for eating rice.
Clara: I’ll try the chicken, then.
She attempts to pick up a piece of chicken with the chopsticks, but has the same problem she did with the rice. After she drops the chicken several times, Ling-Ling steps in.
Ling-Ling: Here. Ling-Ling show you how to use those. (He takes out his own pair.) First, you hold chopsticks in hands like this.
Clara: Yeah, I’ve got that part covered.
Ling-Ling: Then you place one stick firmly on each side of chicken, like this. (He does so, and Clara repeats the procedure with her own piece of chicken. Then you grip chicken with sticks. Rub sticks against each side of chicken a few times to make sure you have control of it. Like this. (Clara does so.) Then eat. (He puts the piece of chicken in his mouth and eats it. Clara attempts to do the same but drops it again. He looks at the piece of chicken on the floor.) Okay, Ling-Ling see what you doing wrong.
Clara: What’s that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: You try to use chopsticks without being Asian first. Sorry, babe, ability to use chopsticks just a gift. Sorry about that. (Clara laughs)
Clara: Well, I guess you know best, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Of course. Is Ling-Ling ever wrong? Except for that one time?
Jun-Jee: (calling to them) Oh, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Yes, Father?
Jun-Jee: Golden Girls about to come on and Jun-Jee want to rest. You bring Jun-Jee honorable Metamucil?
Ling-Ling: Of course, Father. (As Clara continues trying to use the chopsticks, we see Ling-Ling get out an ancient-looking ceremonial glass and pour Metamucil into it.)
(to be continued…)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Cut to the interior, where Clara and Ling-Ling stand at the door with several suitcases.
Clara: Okay, Ling-Ling, before we go, let’s make sure we’ve got everything, okay? We wouldn’t want to get all the way to Asia and realize we’ve forgotten something.
Ling-Ling: Carla… Ling-Ling keep telling you. They have stores in Asia. Just like here. Whole continent not just one big rice farm. You thinking of South America.
Clara: (as the other housemates begin to gather round) Then I guess we’re ready to go.
Spanky: So the little guy’s finally taking you to visit his homeland. What took you so long?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not like to talk about it. He banned from country for long time. Some made up story about putting rabid chickens in honorable emperor’s kimono. Ling-Ling insist he innocent until day he die despite photographic evidence.
Foxxy: Well, I hope you guys have a good time. (Ling-Ling, looking out the door, begins tugging on Clara’s dress.)
Clara: (looking out door) It looks like our cab’s here. Bye, you guys. I hope life here doesn’t get too boring without us.
Xandir: Oh, we’ll get by somehow.
Clara: Talk to you later!
Clara and Ling-Ling leave. Foxxy closes the door behind them. The group stand there silently for a moment as Hero stands by the window. After a long pause, Spanky finally speaks up.
Spanky: They gone yet?
Hero: They’re gone!
Spanky: All right, everybody, the prude’s gone! Time to party!
Immediately the mood becomes a festive one, and the atmosphere is extremely wild and uninhibited. Spanky begins playing loud rock music on a big boom box. Foxxy drags a large crate out of the closet and opens it. It is stacked to the gills with booze. Everyone begins grabbing bottles and chugging them.
Spanky: Hey, Hero! Get me a cantaloupe out of the kitchen!
Hero: You got it, Spanky!
Hero grabs a cantaloupe and chucks it at Spanky, who proceeds to defecate into it. Wooldoor jumps and catches onto the ceiling fan and begins spinning around on it.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Depravity is fun!
Hero walks over to a window and punches through it with his fist. He then begins grabbing random pieces of furniture and breaking them in half with his super strength, then throwing them across the room to the sound of cats screaming. Xandir grabs a vacuum cleaner out of the closet, places the hose over his private areas, and turns it on, giggling girlishly. Toot simply sits next to the crate of booze, grabbing one bottle after another and chugging it voraciously. Suddenly the music stops. The group turns to the boom box, where we see Foxxy Love standing over it.
Foxxy: Now hold on just a minute, y’all. This is wrong. We shouldn’t be doing things like this.
Xandir: Like what?
Foxxy: You know… wearing clothes. The Foxxy’s always said drunken debauchery’s most fun when you’s is stark naked!
Hero: Okay!
As she takes her top off, Foxxy hits play on the boom box again. One by one, we see all the group stopping to remove their clothes, then immediately resuming the activities they were previously engaged in.
Wooldoor: (now naked, swinging from the ceiling fan) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! This is even MORE fun!
As everyone continues in their revelry, the camera pulls out.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to Xandir’s bedroom. He is painting his nails as he listens to the radio. Wooldoor reads a book while dangling from the ceiling fan by his feet.
DJ: And that was an old classic from those veterans of roots rock, the Appreciative Nonliving.
Xandir: Boooooo!
DJ: And before that we heard the latest Alanis Morisette single, “I’m Angsty About Not Being Angsty Anymore”.
Xandir: Boooooo!
DJ: But coming up next, we have the latest single from that hot new boy band, 212 Degrees Fahrenheit!
Xandir: Yaaaaaay!
The song begins playing. Xandir begins grooving to it. Wooldoor keeps trying to read, but becomes annoyed.
Wooldoor: Um, Xandir, could we turn the music down? I’m trying to concentrate.
Xandir: But Wooldoor, it’s 212 Degrees Fahrenheit!
Wooldoor: So? Who are they?
Xandir: Only the hottest boy band on the planet right now!
Wooldoor: Which planet? This one?
Xandir: Well, duuuuuhhhhh! (Wooldoor drops from the ceiling and begins listening to the music.)
Wooldoor: So you really like these guys?
Xandir: You bet! They’re my all-time favorite band! Much better than Out of Sync or BLT.
Wooldoor: But the guy on the radio said they were new.
Xandir: They are. Their first album came out last week.
Wooldoor: And they’re your all-time favorite band?
Xandir: Don’t deny their profound and long-lasting influence on music history, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I don’t get it. They sound like every other band out there. What’s so great about them?
Xandir: This! (shows Wooldoor a magazine) Look! Aren’t they cute?
Wooldoor: I bet you’re one of those guys who camps out at the store waiting for the new Britney Spears album to go on sale.
Xandir: (excited) Britney’s got a new album coming out? How have I not heard about this? (He begins hyperventilating. Hero walks in.)
Hero: Good God, Xandir, are you still listening to that awful teenybopper crap?
Xandir: Oh, you guys don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the best music in the world. I bet if I asked everyone else in the house, they’d agree with me!
Cut to outside Xandir’s bedroom. As the music blares, Toot and Spanky are standing there with angry looks on their faces. Toot is holding an axe.
Toot: All right, here’s the plan. First we break down the door, then I kill Xandir while you smash his radio to tiny little bits.
Spanky: Can I urinate on it?
Toot: Absolutely! The important thing is that we give Xandir his comeuppance for punishing the rest of us like this.
Spanky: Right on! That’ll teach him a lesson!
Toot: Wait a minute, Spanky… I’m starting to wonder if even though we hate this music, Xandir likes it, and given that music is a matter of personal taste, his opinion is just as valid as ours and thus we have no right to persecute him for it. Isn’t that possible?
Spanky (pauses for a moment) No.
Toot: Okay, just checking.
Cut to a large green field. As a caption reading “Asia” appears, the camera pans the landscape. We see a Buddhist temple come into view, followed by the Great Wall of China (with Mongol hordes storming it), two sumos wrestling, peasants with triangular headgear harvesting rice, the Taj Mahal, a thicket next to which are several crates of boxes with the words “Secret Agent Orange Stash” written on them, an old man washing clothes, a roadside fireworks stand being patronized by a large dragon with many people’s legs visible underneath it, and finally, Godzilla and Hello Kitty sitting on a blanket together having a picnic. Finally, the scene fades to an ancient looking house. Clara and Ling-Ling walk up to the door.
Ling-Ling: This the place! (begins pushing doorbell, which is very low on the door, close to the ground)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, I’m so excited to finally meet your family and see the place where you grew up!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, it be hoot. (There is no answer.) Hmm, Father must have gone out for a while. I guess he had emergency come up at his job.
Clara: I thought your father was a dry cleaner.
Ling-Ling: He is. But you know, some people want their shirts clean and want them clean right now, dammit! (Clara laughs) It okay. Ling-Ling have key. (He pulls out a key and unlocks the door. He opens it for Clara.)
Clara: Oh, thank you, Ling-Ling! (Ling-Ling enters. Clara starts to follow him inside but then quickly stops.) Whoops, almost forgot! Not supposed to wear shoes inside the house! (She removes her shoes and sets them down outside.)
Ling-Ling: Aww, how nice of Carla to honor Ling-Ling’s customs.
Clara: I’m happy to, Ling-Ling! So why the shoe removal, I’m just curious? Is it a religious thing? Like how sometimes I pray barefoot to show humility?
Ling-Ling: No… it mainly because we just hate cleaning the carpet.
Clara: Oh. Well, that makes sense. (She looks around. It is very much a traditional looking Asian home.) Wow… you have a very nice home here, Ling-Ling. It’s about like how I pictured it, too. Only without quite so much Sailor Moon memorabilia.
Ling-Ling: What can Ling-Ling say? She national hero. Oh, wait. Ling-Ling have something for you! (He quickly runs out of the room, then returns holding a light purple silken garment.) Here. Put it on. (He hands it to Clara, who proceeds to unfold it.)
Clara: Why, Ling-Ling, it’s a kimono!
Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling know what it is. (She puts it on.)
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, it’s beautiful. Now I’m almost like a real Asian person!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla look beautiful in it. Even if she still whiter than Frosty the Snowman. (Just then, Ling-Ling’s father emerges from the other room.)
Jun-Jee: Hello? Someone in Ling home uninvited? Jun-Jee keep telling you he no want to join your cult! Even if it always Jun-Jee dream to ride on spaceship.
Ling-Ling (excited) Father!
Jun-Jee: Hello, honorable son! Father not hear you come in! He busy in other room shining ceremonial samurai sword.
Ling-Ling: (to Clara) He used to be great warrior.
Jun-Jee: (looking at Clara) So this Ling-Ling new bride, eh? You right, son. She very beautiful. (Clara kneels down to shake his hand.)
Clara: It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Ling. Your son has told me so much about you.
Jun-Jee: (hits Ling-Ling angrily with cane) You telling human lady Ling family secrets again? Jun-Jee warn you about that, Ling-Ling!
Clara: No, Mr. Ling. I just mean that Ling-Ling just keeps talking about what a great father he has.
Jun-Jee: Oh. Well, that right. But you no call Jun-Jee Mr. Ling. Call him Jun-Jee.
Clara: Thank you, Jun-Jee.
Jun-Jee: I have idea. How would human lady like to see Jun-Jee sword collection?
Clara: Ewww… no!
Jun-Jee: (surprised) No?
Clara: (realizes) Oh, you meant actual swords! Sorry, I’m used to that meaning something else. I’d love to! Let’s go! (They walk off.)
Cut back to Toot and Spanky standing outside Xandir’s door. Toot tapping the axe menacingly in her hand.
Toot: All right… on the count of three, we break down the door and invade!
Spanky: Or we could just open it. I’m pretty sure Xandir doesn’t ever lock it.
Toot: Nah. Breaking it down is much more fun! So we ready? (Spanky nods.) On the count of three. One… Two… (Toot prepares to swing the axe.) Three! Go!
Spanky pushes the door open. He and Toot both storm in.
Toot: Xandir… we’ve got a couple of things to say to you. First… (hands him the axe) here’s your axe back. You left it in my room again.
Xandir: Oh, thanks, Toot. So what’s the other thing?
Spanky: This! (He points angrily at the radio.) Xandir, this has gotta stop.
Xandir: Let me guess. You don’t like my music.
Toot: (holding her ears) Geeeeee, whatever gave you that idea?
Spanky: Xandir, if you want to listen to this crap, fine. Just get a pair of headphones so the rest of us don’t have to put up with it as well.
Xandir: But I don’t like to wear headphones. They mess with my hair.
Toot: It’s okay, Spanky, I know how we can solve this problem. (She covers her ears again.) I’ll just drown this crap out with MY singing! (She begins singing very loudly.) Some people wait a lifetime… for a MOOOOOOMENT LIKE THIS!!! (Xandir cringes. In the background, we can see Hero and Wooldoor sneaking out the window.) Come on, Spanky! Join me! (Spanky covers his ears as well and begins singing along with Toot. Xandir writhes on the bed in agony until finally, the mood is broken by the arrival of a very angry Foxxy Love.)
Foxxy: Do you mind telling me just what the hell be going on in here? The Foxxy ain’t heard screeching like that since she accidentally drove across the state with a cat stuck in her fanbelt!
Xandir: Toot and Spanky are trying to make me quit playing my music.
Foxxy: Oh, you guys, not that again! How many times have I tried to tell you what Xandir wants to listen to is his business! Music is a matter of personal taste. Your opinion isn’t any more or less valid than his.
Toot: Even when Xandir chooses to listen to… this? (She motions toward the radio where the group can hear the music playing.)
Foxxy: I don’t see what the big problem is. As far as I can tell, it’s just music. Nothing but… (She begins noticing the song playing. A worried look crosses her face.) Um, Xandir. Who is this?
Xandir: Oh, that’s the Jaguar Girls! Aren’t they great?
Foxxy: This song sounds really familiar. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was… (Suddenly it hits her.) Oh my God, it is! (She points at the radio.) That song! That’s a Foxxy 5 song!
Xandir: Um, no, it’s not. I just told you it was the Jaguar Girls.
Foxxy: No, Xandir. I mean, the Jaguar Girls is doing a cover version of one of my songs!
Xandir: You mean, “I’m Not a Tramp, Not Yet a Ho”- that was originally by the Foxxy 5?
Foxxy: It was indeed! And if you had any conception of music beyond what they’s currently playing on the radio, you would know that!
Xandir: Wow, that’s really cool!
Foxxy: Cool? There ain’t nothin’ cool about it! They’s is taking one of the songs I worked my ass off to come up with and they’s ruinin’ it! They’s is making money by desecratin’ my hard work! Ohhhhhh… it is on!
Toot: What are you going to do, Foxxy?
Foxxy: The same thing I always do whenever they try to cut off my VD meds- bitch and complain till I get my way! (walks to door) Now if y’all will excuse me, the Foxxy’s got work to do! She’s got to go get herself worked into a tizzy over something so she can then direct that anger toward the problem. The Foxxy likes to make the most efficient use of her anger.
Spanky: So how are you going to get yourself worked up?
Cut to Foxxy watching Jerry Springer on TV.
Foxxy: Oh, I don’t believe your dumb ass went and told that girl that! And you’s is already sleeping with his brother’s cousin’s best friend, and now you’s is pregnant with his uncle’s father’s sister’s mother’s cousin’s illegitimate child. All y’alls make me so mad!
Cut to Jun-Jee’s house. Jun-Jee enters his trophy room followed by Clara and Ling-Ling.
Jun-Jee: This Jun-Jee trophy room. What you think?
Clara surveys the room in wide-eyed amazement. All the walls are adorned with heads of wild animals mounted as trophies. The place resembles a hunter’s lodge, only with samurai swords instead of guns. Clara walks over to a glass case where Jun-Jee stores his weapons. Above the case, she sees a plaque reading, “Jun-Jee, proud member of the NSA (National Sword Assocation)”. Next to the plaque is a photograph of Jun-Jee wearing hunter’s orange and holding a sword standing next to Charlton Heston. Down below the photograph is a framed gold record and an album cover, “Jun-Jee Sings”. Clara doesn’t quite know what to think.
Clara: Wow… did you really kill all these animals?
Jun-Jee: No. They run through wall and get stuck. (He begins laughing.) Ha ha, Jun-Jee love that joke.
Ling-Ling: Father, I think Carla bothered by how you kill animals. She love animals. They very close to her heart.
Jun-Jee: Oh no, not damn bleeding heart liberal again! (to Clara) Look, you get off my back already, damn PETA! Second amendment guarantee Jun-Jee Constitutional right to bear samurai sword! And what point of having samurai sword if Jun-Jee not kill with it?
Clara: (obviously still quite bothered) No, it’s okay, I understand.
Ling-Ling angrily walks over to Jun-Jee and begins whispering in his ear. Jun-Jee nods reluctantly.
Jun-Jee: Fine, fine. (to Clara). Um, Carla, there something Jun-Jee forget to tell you. He misrepresent what he do earlier. He not kill animals for sport. He only kill these animals here because they all bad animals. Molest children.
Clara: All of these animals were molesting children? I find that hard to believe. (Ling-Ling whispers something else in Jun-Jee’s ear.)
Jun-Jee: They say bad things about Jesus, too. Call him bearded stoner hippie. They say he gay too.
Clara: (angry) What? How dare they! (She casts an angry glance across all the trophies in the room.) You blaspheming demons! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! You deserve to be dead! (Ling-Ling and his father look at each other and nod.)
Cut to the Drawn Together house. Foxxy is on the telephone.
Foxxy: Hello, is this Hits 109? Yes, I am a concerned listener to your radio station, and I would like to request that you please stop playing the song, “I’m Not a Tramp, Not Yet a Ho”, by the Jaguar Girls. (pause) Well, sir, I don’t care if it’s a massive hit. (pause) No, sir, I don’t care if your listeners really want to hear it. (pauses) No, sir, I don’t care if the record company is giving you something called payola to play it. I hate that record and I want it off your playlist! (pause) Well, the same to you, bitch!
Foxxy draws a line on a piece of paper. The camera switches to a shot of the paper. The top of the paper says, “List of radio stations in the United States”. Foxxy has marked a line through most of the stations on the list. Beside each line is a comment. Some of the visible comments are, “Told me to go to hell”, “Told me to go jump off a bridge”, and “Told me to go fall off a cliff”. Another comment reads, “Told me to go shove firecrackers up my ass”, with the words “Remember this one for later” written next to it in parentheses. Foxxy writes a new comment next to the station she has just called. Visible is the phrase “Told me to go f k myself”, with the remaining letters blocked by her hand. The shot changes back to Foxxy. She puts the pencil down in despair. Toot walks up to her.
Toot: No luck, Foxxy?
Foxxy: I’ve been at this all day and I haven’t gotten one station to say they’d stop playing that record. It’s almost like the music industry don’t revolve around Foxxy no more.
Toot: Well, Foxxy, I think you’re missing the big picture here. I mean, even if you did get that record off the radio, would it really solve anything? The radio stations would just start playing some other crappy song to replace it. The only way to solve this problem once and for all… (she pulls an axe out from under a chair) is to get rid of all the radio stations! (She begins laughing maniacally.)
Xandir: (entering) Hey, Toot, did you see my axe?
Toot: Yeah, you left it in here again. (hands him the axe) I was just about to take it back to you.
Xandir: Thanks! Well, time to get back to my radio! They’re playing a Jaguar Girls marathon this weekend! All their hit songs back to back!
Toot: How many hits do they have?
Xandir: Just two. But they’re playing them both back to back. I sure don’t want to miss that! Ta ta! (He leaves. Foxxy turns to Toot.)
Foxxy: And how do you suggest we get rid of all the radio stations?
Toot: We call a press conference and tell everyone that they molested a bunch of children! Even if they stay out of jail, the public will turn against them. I mean, nobody likes child molesters! People will stop listening to them, and soon they’ll be forced to go out of business!
Foxxy: Tell people that a RADIO STATION is molesting children. Toot, how is that even possible?
Toot: You know, if you aim the signal a certain way, it can make the kids- never mind. Oh, wait, I’ve got an idea! What if we tell people that the song has Satanic messages in it?
Foxxy: Satanic messages?
Toot: Yeah, we tell people that if you play the record backwards, it says a bunch of stuff about worshipping Satan!
Foxxy: Oh, Toot, that’s just crazy.
Toot: What about this, then? We make up some story about how someone was listening to this record and they killed themselves. Then we tell people it was because of the record! Everyone will HATE the song then and our problems will be over!
Foxxy: Toot, do all your solutions involve either sexual abuse or violence?
Toot: (pauses and thinks) Yes. Some even involve both! Like this one. Okay, first we kidnap a midget…
Cut to Jun-Jee’s house. Clara sits on the floor, preparing to eat. Ling-Ling brings some dishes and sets them in front of her.
Clara: Wow, I can’t believe I’m eating like real Asian people.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling keep telling you, Carla. You no have to follow Asian customs. Ling-Ling want Carla to do what she feels comfortable with.
Clara: Oh no, Ling-Ling, I want to follow all your customs! This is really fascinating to me! I feel like I’m experiencing a whole other world. While I’m here, Ling-Ling, I want to be a traditional Asian person just like you and your dad.
Jun-Jee walks into the room. He walks over to Clara and looks at the food in the bowl in front of her, then walks past her. He walks to the other end of the room where we see a recliner positioned in front of a big TV set. Jun-Jee hops up on the recliner, reaches into a cooler next to him on the floor, and pulls out a beer. He pops open the beer, then grabs a remote control and turns on the TV.
Jun-Jee: Ah… time for Matlock. Jun-Jee never miss an episode. (As he begins drinking the beer, the shot changes back to Clara and Ling-Ling. Clara shifts her glance from Jun-Jee to Ling-Ling.)
Clara: So anyway… (looks at food) This looks delicious, Ling-Ling! What is it?
Ling-Ling (pointing at bowls) That one chicken. That one rice. That one cat. That one there fried sushi.
Clara: I think I’ll start with the rice. (She picks up the bowl.) Um… I think you forgot to bring the silverware, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not forget. (He pulls out a set of chopsticks and hands it to Clara.)
Clara: Ooh, chopsticks! Of course, how could I forget?
They sit down and begin to eat. Clara tries to pick up the rice between the chopsticks and finds it difficult. She tries again, but keeps dropping it. Finally, she lifts the chopsticks up to her mouth and puts the food in.
Clara: One grain of rice? That’s all I had?
Ling-Ling: Yeah, that pretty much all they can hold. They not really most efficient utensil for eating rice.
Clara: I’ll try the chicken, then.
She attempts to pick up a piece of chicken with the chopsticks, but has the same problem she did with the rice. After she drops the chicken several times, Ling-Ling steps in.
Ling-Ling: Here. Ling-Ling show you how to use those. (He takes out his own pair.) First, you hold chopsticks in hands like this.
Clara: Yeah, I’ve got that part covered.
Ling-Ling: Then you place one stick firmly on each side of chicken, like this. (He does so, and Clara repeats the procedure with her own piece of chicken. Then you grip chicken with sticks. Rub sticks against each side of chicken a few times to make sure you have control of it. Like this. (Clara does so.) Then eat. (He puts the piece of chicken in his mouth and eats it. Clara attempts to do the same but drops it again. He looks at the piece of chicken on the floor.) Okay, Ling-Ling see what you doing wrong.
Clara: What’s that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: You try to use chopsticks without being Asian first. Sorry, babe, ability to use chopsticks just a gift. Sorry about that. (Clara laughs)
Clara: Well, I guess you know best, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Of course. Is Ling-Ling ever wrong? Except for that one time?
Jun-Jee: (calling to them) Oh, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Yes, Father?
Jun-Jee: Golden Girls about to come on and Jun-Jee want to rest. You bring Jun-Jee honorable Metamucil?
Ling-Ling: Of course, Father. (As Clara continues trying to use the chopsticks, we see Ling-Ling get out an ancient-looking ceremonial glass and pour Metamucil into it.)
(to be continued…)