DTBL episode 11: The Passion of the Clara

[Raymond-Raymond]

THE PASSION OF THE CLARA

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where Toot and Marty are chatting as Hero sits off to the side.

Toot: (pointing to her neck) And that’s where this scar comes from.

Marty: Wow. Took the whole thing right off, huh?

Toot: Yup. Snapped clean.

Marty: Well, that’ll teach you not to wear such a tight necklace next time.

Toot: But what choice did I have? It was my bat mitzvah. My cousin Betty wore a necklace just like it for her bat mitzvah, and I had to compete! You know?

Hero: Excuse me. Toot, what is this bat mitzvah of which you speak?

Toot: It’s the Jewish coming of age ceremony. You should know about that. You’re Jewish, right?

Hero: I am, but I’ve never had a bat mitzvah! I’ve only had a bar mitzvah- never a bat!

Toot: Captain Hero, a bat mitzvah is something- (Marty nudges her. She stops. Marty steps in.)

Marty: Is something that you really have to have! That is, if you want to be considered a good Jew and get into heaven someday.

Hero: Oh, I do! I do want to go to heaven! I’ll be honest, right now I think I’m pretty borderline. Do you think this bat mitzvah will give me a boost in that direction?

Toot: Of course it would! Why, you’ll probably be the first person ever to have both a bar and a bat! Think how special you’ll be!

Hero: I *am* special! (Toot and Marty are both laughing hysterically by this point.) That settles it, Toot. I, Captain Hero, will have a bat mitzvah! (calls out to rest of house) Attention, housemates! (No one responds.) I said, attention, housemates! (There is still no answer.) All right, if you guys want to play hardball. (He gets out a gigantic megaphone and proceeds to bellow into it so loudly, it shakes the house’s foundations.) HOUSEMATES, PLEASE REPORT TO THE LIVING ROOM AT ONCE!

Immediately, everyone enters. Spanky is rezipping his pants while holding a magazine. Wooldoor, in his PJs, has a toothbrush and a mouthful of toothpaste. Xandir enters with his hair in curlers and wearing a mud mask. Clara enters in her bathrobe with Ling-Ling being held next to her body by the robe’s strap. Foxxy is dressed in bondage gear.

Spanky: You want to tell us what this is all about?

Hero: Yes, Spanky. I just wanted to- (sees Foxxy) Foxxy? What the hell? Did you start without me again?

Xandir: Hero, just spill it, okay?

Hero: Anyway, I just wanted to invite all of you the bat mitzvah I’ll be having very soon!

Wooldoor: What’s a bat mitzvah?

Toot: It’s the Jewish coming of age ceremony!

Foxxy: (goes to Hero and puts her hands on his shoulders) Aww… looks like our little Hero is finally about to become a man!

Clara: I was wondering when that would happen.

Xandir: So when is it?

Hero: I’m going to try to do it in the next few days. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to let you know what time to be at the synagogue.

Clara: (immediately worried) Synagogue? Is… is that where they hold these things?

Hero: Where else would they hold it? In my basement? In a Pizza Hut? In the men’s room of a gay bathhouse? Sorry, Clara. This isn’t exactly my baptism, you know.

Clara: Um… I’m sorry, Captain Hero, but I’m not going to be able to attend. I’m really busy that day.

Hero: But I haven’t even told you what day it is!

Clara: Is it any day between today and the end of time?

Hero: Probably.

Clara: Then sorry, I’m fully booked. (reaches for an excuse) I’ll be washing my hair.

Hero: Every day?

Clara: Yeah. I have OCD. Um… bye! (Clara dashes off in a hurry. As she does so, the strap of her robe comes loose, causing Ling-Ling to tumble to the ground, falling right on his butt.)

Ling-Ling: Ow! (He turns to the other housemates) Hey, you no laugh at Ling-Ling. He small, he can do same thing to your asses when you not looking!

Hero: So can I! But for different reasons. (The housemates look at him in surprise and disgust.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene opens on Clara sitting on her bed holding Ling-Ling. She is trying to fix his wound, which he resists.

Ling-Ling: No! Ling-Ling be fine, dammit!

Clara: Oh, come on, Ling-Ling, that nasty scrape on your butt has to be driving you crazy!

Ling-Ling: He get used to hemorrhoid, he get used to this.

Clara: But Ling-Ling, I feel responsible! I should have secured my robe tighter. It was just that you told me you liked women who were loose!

Ling-Ling: Oh yeah. Um, never mind, then. Ling-Ling forgive you. (Foxxy enters the doorway.)

Foxxy: Um, Clara, can I come in a minute?

Clara: Sure, Foxxy, what is it? (Foxxy enters and sits down.)

Foxxy: Clara, do you mind telling me just what the hell that was about in there?

Clara: Don’t ask me! I’m just glad Spanky at least remembered to zip up this time.

Foxxy: You know what I mean, Clara. Why’d you run off as soon as Captain Hero mentioned going to a synagogue? (Clara is somber.)

Clara: Um, Foxxy, look. You know I’m a Christian, right? And I mean, a dedicated Christian, Foxxy! I’m even more devout than Jesus!

Foxxy: I know. But what’s that got to- (suddenly realizes) Ohhhhh. The anti-Jewish thing. Look, Clara, you really need to just get over that.

Clara: But, Foxxy, you don’t understand! They killed our savior! How can I feel anything but hate for those people who murdered my sweet, precious Jesus?

Foxxy: You know, Clara. Jesus did teach us to forgive others their transgressions.

Clara: Yeah, but he said that before they killed him!

Foxxy: Look, Clara. So a bunch of people a long time ago did something to our Lord. But that doesn’t mean you’ve got to hold it against the Jewish people of today!

Clara: But they don’t believe in him, Foxxy! They completely disregard his teachings like he’s L. Ron Hubbard or something!

Foxxy: I know, Clara, but that’s their right. And if you truly want to follow what Jesus teaches, you won’t hold that against them.

Clara: I suppose you’re right, Foxxy. I won’t be happy about it, but if it’s that important to Captain Hero, I’ll attend his bat-whatever it was.

Foxxy: Thanks, Clara. I’ll go tell him the good news. (She walks out. Clara resumes tending to Ling-Ling’s wounds. However, he suddenly turns to her with a look of anger.)

Ling-Ling: You watch your mouth about L. Ron Hubbard, Carla! Ling-Ling may not be Scientologist anymore, but he still have feelings, dammit!

Clara: Sorry! (Ling-Ling is satisfied. Clara resumes tending to his wounds.)

Cut to the synagogue. All the housemates plus Marty are standing around inside. UFG walks out.

UFG: Hey, guys. Everything’s set up. Captain Hero, your bat mitzvah is on for Friday evening at 9:00 pm.

Wooldoor: Aww… that’s past my bedtime! That means I won’t be able to attend!

Clara: It’s okay, Wooldoor. We’ll let you stay up late for this.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hero: Lucky break for me that Unusually Flexible Girl’s father turned out to be a rabbi and could set it up for me on such short notice!

UFG: Captain Hero, I told you my father was a rabbi, like, seven times when we were dating!

Hero: Yeah, but it’s not like I was listening!

UFG: Anyway, he’ll be coming out in a moment to meet with you and discuss the ceremony with you. But why are you having a bat mitzvah, anyway? Don’t you realize that’s just for-

Marty: (interrupting) It’s just for really good Jews! Like our friend Captain Hero! That’s right, isn’t it, Toot?

Toot: (barely trying to conceal her laughter) Right, Marty!

UFG: Whatever, you guys.

Xandir: (pointing to doorway) Oh, here comes the rabbi now!

A shadowy figure enters the doorway. Immediately, Clara gasps in horror. We see that the figure is none other than Edward Goldberg.

Goldberg: Hello, everyone!

Clara: Oh my God… this can’t be happening!

Goldberg: (sees Clara) Well, well, well, if it isn’t Princess Clara, the famous Jew-hater herself! What are you doing in a synagogue, my dear? Come to burn it down?

Clara: Don’t be silly! Everyone knows I don’t do that anymore. I’m just here as a show of support for my good friend Captain Hero.

Goldberg: So does this mean you’ve put all that anti-Semitism behind you?

Clara: No, not entirely. But I’m trying. Really, I am.

Foxxy: She is, Mr. Goldberg. Just the fact that she’s here right now proves that.

Clara: Yes, Mr. Goldberg, despite what your people have done, I’m trying my best to forgive you.

Goldberg: My people? You talk about us like we’re criminals!

Clara: Criminals, sinners, same thing.

Foxxy: (under her breath) Goddammit, Clara, not again!

Goldberg: Listen, Miss Clara, Judaism is the world’s oldest religion, predating even Christianity. If anything, you’re the ones who have it wrong.

Clara: (getting more flustered) Yes, but salvation isn’t about who was first! It’s about who’s right! And that’s us!

Spanky: (pulling out a clipboard and turning to Xandir and Wooldoor) Okay, pool time. My money says she punches him.

Xandir: No way. She cries and runs out.

Spanky: Xandir, we’re talking about what Clara would do, not what you would do. (Xandir scowls.)

Wooldoor: I say she comes to her senses and they settle things calmly and rationally. (Spanky and Xandir looks at him in disbelief for a moment. Finally, all three break down laughing.)

Xandir: Good one, Wooldoor!

Spanky: So what’s your pick?

Wooldoor: She lights him on fire and pushes him down the stairs.

Goldberg: Why all this hatred, Clara? We Jews disagree with you, but we don’t go committing genocide on Christians, now do we?

Clara: Probably because you’re too busy controlling the world’s economy and the entertainment industry!

Goldberg: It’s because we’re peaceful.

Clara: It’s because you’re wimps! Your whole religion is nothing but a bunch of stupid, pigheaded, ignorant losers!

Immediately the room becomes silent. Clara looks around fearfully.

Toot: Uh oh.

Foxxy: Clara, you stupid, stupid girl.

Hero: (excited) Woohoo! I win the pool!

Goldberg glares at Clara.

Clara: Um, look, Mr. Goldberg, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, really.

Goldberg: So you think Jews are nothing but a bunch of ignorant losers, do you? If you only knew.

Clara: Knew what?

Goldberg: Clara, your mother’s dead, isn’t she?

Clara: (sadly) Yes, she is. But what does that have to do with-

Goldberg: Did you love her?

Clara: What kind of question is that? Of course I love her. And I really miss her.

Goldberg: I don’t blame you there. She was a very beautiful woman.

Clara: (looks at him suspiciously) How did you know my mother?

Goldberg: Because, my dear… she used to come to my services all the time! (Clara becomes alarmed.)

Clara: What? That’s impossible! Please tell me you’re joking!

Goldberg: You’re right, my dear. I am joking. (Clara breathes a sigh of relief.) Your mother never came to services at all. She was a BAD Jew! (He laughs. Clara becomes distressed again.)

Clara: No! My mother was not a Jew at all! I am descended from pure Christian blood!

Goldberg: No you’re not, Clara. Your mother was a devout Orthodox Jew. Your father hated that. That’s why when she died, he told you you were Christian so hopefully her faith would die with her. But I’m sorry, Clara. She was Jewish.

Clara: Fine, maybe she was Jewish. But she married into Christianity, so that makes her Christian, like me.

Goldberg: Like you? (chuckles) Ironic you should say that.

Clara: What do you mean?

Goldberg: Well, according to Jewish law… one’s heritage is passed through the mother’s bloodline. So since your mother was Jewish, that means…

Clara: (horrified) No! No! It can’t be true! Please, that CAN’T be the way it works!

Goldberg: But it is. Isn’t it, Mandy?

UFG: It’s true, Clara. If your mother is Jewish, by Jewish law, that means you are too!

Clara: (Her eyes are glazed over. She is almost in complete shock.) No! This can’t be happening. How can I be Jewish?

Foxxy: You know, Clara, you still have a mind and heart of your own. If you want to believe in Jesus and follow Christianity, you can still do that.

Clara: But if I do that when I’m not allowed to, I’ll go to hell! But by not believing it, I’ll be going to hell anyway! I don’t know what to do! I’ve got to get out of here! (She runs out the door. The other housemates look after her.)

Xandir: (to Spanky, Wooldoor, and Hero) Ha! Pay up!

Clara: (in confessional) I was convinced this whole thing was a bad dream. All I had to do was get home and think on it, and all would seem right with the world again. The important thing was that I not panic.

Cut to the Drawn Together house. Toot and Marty are on their way into the living room.

Marty: Wow, can you believe that Captain Hero? He spends years with a girl whose father is a rabbi and he still doesn’t know what a bat mitzvah is!

Toot: Hero’s not too bright. He never could figure out why this one girl would never talk to him. He didn’t realize she was actually a statue.

Marty: So how far do you think we should take this?

Toot: At least until he starts getting bat mitzvah gifts. We should all go to the store and get him a bunch of little girl stuff.

Marty: Oh, like Hello Kitty underwear?

Toot: No. He has those already.

As Toot and Marty continue laughing about their joke, they enter the living room. Immediately their eyes grow wide. Then we see Clara over in the corner. She is barefoot in her sack dress, praying frantically. Foxxy stands over Clara scowling.

Foxxy: Clara, was this really the most constructive way you could handle the problem?

Clara: It’s the ONLY way I can handle the problem, so by default, that has to mean that it IS the most constructive way I can handle the problem.

Foxxy: Okay. Just checking. (She sees Toot and Marty.) Oh, hey, you guys.

Marty: Hey, Foxxy.

Foxxy: So let me ask you something about this bat mitzvah thing. Since Captain Hero’s getting one, and I’m his significant other now, does that mean I have to get one too?

Toot: Of course not.

Foxxy: Thank God! Um… it doesn’t hurt, does it?

Toot: Why would it hurt?

Foxxy: I heard you have to bring this other guy in to cut off the tip of his peepee.

Toot: No, Foxxy. That’s a bris.

Foxxy: Oh. Does Captain Hero have to get one of those too?

Toot: Hasn’t he had one already? I mean, most Jewish boys receive that when they’re babies.

Foxxy: Why? Do you want them all to be impotent?

Toot: It doesn’t make them impotent, Foxxy. It’s just a little piece of skin.

Foxxy: Oh! Just the skin!

Toot: What did you think it was?

Foxxy: I’d rather not talk about it. (Hero enters and walks up to Foxxy.)

Hero: Hey, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Um, Captain Hero, you’ve had your bris already, right?

Hero: Right. Why?

Foxxy: Just checking.

Hero: Does Toot need one?

Toot: (sarcastically) Ha ha, very funny! Another “Toot has a penis” joke! That’s reeeeeeeeeally clever! How many times do I have to tell you guys, I didn’t have a penis that time, my underwear was just really bunched up!

Hero: (pointing to Clara) So what’s the deal with Betty Rubble there?

Foxxy: She’s praying.

Hero: But why isn’t she wearing her dress or her shoes?

Foxxy: It’s to show humility.

Hero: Oh, I see. (steps over to Clara) You know, Clara, if you REALLY want to show humility, you should take off your sack dress and pray naked.

Clara: Captain Hero, I’m appalled. I dress like this as a show of faith and respect. That you would use it to treat me as a sexual object just shocks me.

Hero: Shocks you enough to take the dress off?

Clara: Go away, Hero.

Foxxy: Come on, everybody, let’s go. I think it’s best we just leave Clara alone for the moment. (They walk off.)

Hero: (as they leave) Wow, Clara’s so distressed, she’s almost catatonic. It’s like that time I dated this girl named Venus De Milo. No arms, not much personality… but she was still the best sex I ever had!

They exit. Ling-Ling enters the room and looks at Clara with sadness.

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) It break Ling-Ling’s heart to see beloved Carla in such a state. Don’t get Ling-Ling wrong, he still think she hot like that. But he mainly just sad.

Ling-Ling: (to Clara) Um… Carla?

Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want Carla to know how much it hurts him to see you like this. Is there anything Ling-Ling can do to make Carla feel better?

Clara: I don’t think so, Ling-Ling. But thank you.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling just want you to know he love you no matter what religion you are.

Clara: I know, Ling-Ling. I know you still love me even if I’m Jewish. I just wish I could love myself for it.

Ling-Ling puts his arm on Clara’s back, then walks away sadly as Clara continues to pray.

(to be continued…)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Xandir: (in confessional) Between Ling-Ling’s sadness and all the straight guys drooling over her, we couldn’t let Clara go on like this. So we called a house meeting to try to figure out what to do.

Cut to the living room. As Clara continues to pray in the corner, the other housemates along with Marty and UFG congregate in the main part of the room.

Xandir: Thanks for coming, Mandy. This really means a lot to us.

UFG: It’s no problem, you guys. I’m as worried about Clara as the rest of you.

Xandir: That’s very understanding of you, considering the nature of her problem. She really, really hates being Jewish.

UFG: Believe it or not, I understand how she feels. When you’ve been taught something you’re entire life, it’s hard to accept that it might be wrong. I’d probably feel the same if I suddenly found out I wasn’t Jewish.

Spanky: You mean, you might start praying in a sack dress too? Um… hey, Unusually Flexible Girl? Your dad told me to tell you you’re not Jewish. You’re actually Christian, or something.

UFG: Nice try, Spanky.

Spanky: Darn.

Foxxy: We’ve all tried talking to Clara, but it’s no good. She won’t listen to any of us.

UFG: What about Wooldoor? He’s a priest. Doesn’t she usually go to him when she has a crisis of faith?

Wooldoor: She won’t talk to me either. She says that now that she’s Jewish, apparently she’s not allowed to talk to priests anymore.

UFG: That’s so sad! Wow, I feel really bad for her. (Just then, the doorbell rings. UFG goes to answer it. It is Edward Goldberg.) Father! Thank God you’re here!

Goldberg: Yes, I’ve come to try to talk some sense into the Reluctant Jew, as I like to call her.

UFG: (to housemates) I’ve called my father over here to try to talk to Clara. After all, it was his bombshell that started this whole mess.

Xandir: Good point. He might be the only one who can reach her now.

UFG: There she is over there in the corner, Dad. Go talk to her. And please, Dad, try to help her.

Goldberg: Don’t worry, Mandy, I will. (He walks over to Clara.) Excuse me, Clara?

Clara: (She sees Goldberg. A look of disgust crosses her face.) What do you want?

Goldberg: Clara, your friends have told me you’ve been having difficulty adjusting to life as a Jew.

Clara: Gee, you think? (She tries to resume praying.)

Goldberg: Clara? My dear, what are you doing?

Clara: I’m trying to pray. This is how I handle crises, okay?

Goldberg: But my dear Clara- you can’t handle it like THAT!

Clara: Why not?

Goldberg: Because, Clara. You’re clearly practicing a medieval form of penance.

Clara: So?

Goldberg: My dear child, penance is strictly a Catholic ritual. And since you’re Jewish, that means you’re not allowed to practice Catholic rituals anymore!

Clara: (extremely alarmed) What? You mean I’m not even allowed to pray in my sack dress now?

Goldberg: I’m afraid not.

Hero: Woohoo! So take off the dress, then!

Goldberg: (sternly, to Hero) You, be quiet! (He turns back to Clara. However, she is standing there silently, almost motionless. Her face is completely devoid of emotion.) Clara? Are you all right?

Clara: The one thing I had left in my life… the one thing I could always rely on to comfort me… now even THAT’S been taken away from me! (The other housemates rush to Clara’s side.)

Foxxy: Clara, if you need to cry, I’m here for you.

Spanky: Me too!

Toot: Spanky, that is really inconsiderate!

Spanky: Toot, I’m being serious. You see this face? This is my serious face.

Clara: No, really, it’s okay, you guys. I don’t need to cry. I don’t think crying would do me any good right now. (thinks for a moment) Look… I think I just need to be alone right now.

Spanky: We understand, Clara.

Xandir: If you need us, you know where we’ll be.

Clara: Thanks, you guys. You’re all just wonderful. Really, you are. Thank you for everything. And I’m sorry.

Foxxy: Sorry? For what? (Without saying another word, Clara turns and walks up the stairs.)

Clara: (in confessional) I was absolutely at the end of my rope. In the past, no matter what the crisis, I’d always relied on my faith to get me through, but here, I didn’t even have that. I thought back to that time I thought I would have to convert to Scientology. But this was different. That time, I would have been giving up my faith voluntarily for a greater cause. But here… it had just been taken from me for no reason at all. Without my Christianity, I was nothing. I knew what I was about to do would really hurt everyone, but I just couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Cut to Clara in her bedroom. She is on her knees praying.

Clara: Dear Heavenly Father, I know I’m not supposed to be talking to you like this… but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to you for everything.

She gets up and walks over to her dresser. She opens it and pulls out a small box. A close-up of the box reveals a label reading, “Quick Acting Instant Death Pills”. Below the brand name is the slogan, "For the suicidal career guy or gal on the go: now you can commit suicide without interrupting your busy schedule. Ages 7 and up." She pours some in her hand, then walks over to the bed and sits down. As she starts to bring the pills to her mouth, she starts to make the sign of the cross with her other hand, but then stops herself.

Clara: Dammit, I forgot I can’t do that anymore! Oh, well. (She takes a deep breath.) Here goes!

She stuffs the pills in her mouth. Just as she does, so however, Ling-Ling appears in the doorway.

Ling-Ling: (horrified) No! Carla, don’t!

Clara, startled, does a spit take with the pills, shooting them out of her mouth. She turns to Ling-Ling.

Clara: Ling-Ling! I didn’t know you were here!

Ling-Ling: Carla, don’t do it! Please don’t take death pills!

Clara: How did you know what I was doing?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling see box of pills on dresser. His eyes small, but they not blind, you know.

Clara: I’m sorry, Ling-Ling. But I don’t know what else to do. I can’t live like this any longer. (She starts to get more pills, but Ling-Ling stops her.)

Ling-Ling: Look, Carla, Ling-Ling understand why you want to do this.

Clara: Ling-Ling, stop. Don’t give me some gay little speech about how life is wonderful and I have so much to live for, blah blah blah. Life is misery, Ling-Ling. And I know I should try to fight it, but the fact is, I’m just not strong enough to deal with the pain.

Ling-Ling: Then let Ling-Ling do it.

Clara: (confused) What do you mean?

Ling-Ling: You not strong enough to deal with the pain, that’s okay. Ling-Ling do it for you.

Clara: How is that possible?

Ling-Ling: You go on and do what you feel is right in your life. If Carla want to be Christian, Carla be Christian. Then when it come time for God to punish her, Ling-Ling step in and say it all his fault. Punish Ling-Ling instead.

Clara: That’s unbelievably sweet of you, Ling-Ling. But I don’t think God would be willing to go along with that. No, Ling-Ling, I have to take what’s coming to me. (She starts to take the pills again. Again, Ling-Ling stops her.)

Ling-Ling: (growing increasingly desperate) No, Carla! Please… don’t do this. Ling-Ling unable to bear the thought of life without you. Please, Carla. I love you. Ling-Ling not know how, but he get you through this some way. Just… please don’t leave me.

Ling-Ling is on the verge of tears. Clara looks at him for a moment. The pair keep looking at each other intently, both too afraid to break eye contact. Finally, Clara sighs. She puts the pills down. Ling-Ling breathes a sigh of relief. Clara turns to him.

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling! (Tearfully, she picks him up and hugs him.) Don’t worry, I won’t leave you. But you’re right. Maybe everything else has been taken from me… my soul, my faith… my whole identity. But as long as I still have you, I still have something to live for.

Ling-Ling: You’ll always have me, Carla. That’s one thing you don’t ever have to worry about losing.

Clara: Oh my God… to think I was about to throw all that away. I can’t believe I was about to completely disregard what we have together. (She hugs him again.) Oh, Ling-Ling, I love you more than anything in this world. I don’t care what else happens to me. I’m going to do everything in my power to hold on to you!

Ling-Ling: Don’t worry, Carla. Ling-Ling find a way to help you through this.

Clara: Oh, I know you will, Ling-Ling. And even if you don’t, we’ll face it together. (After they hug for a moment, Clara puts him back down.) Thank you, Ling-Ling. Thank you very much.

Ling-Ling: What Carla going to do now?

Clara: I’m going to go tell Captain Hero that I’m going to attend his little ceremony after all. And then we’ll see how it goes from there.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling come with you.

Ling-Ling and Clara get off the bed and walk out the door. After they’ve gone, Toot and Marty come by.

Marty: Is this Clara’s room?

Toot: Yeah. (knocks on the open door) Oh, Clara? Clara? (looks into room) I guess she’s not here.

Marty: What did you need to talk to her about?

Toot: Oh, I didn’t need to talk to her. I’m just in a mood to snoop around her space right now, and I want to make sure she doesn’t catch me.

Marty: Sounds like a plan.

Toot: I do it every few days. You know, just to make sure they’re not trying to keep any secrets from me.

Marty: Gotcha.

They enter the room and begin looking around. Marty walks over to the dresser while Toot snoops around the bed. She notices the pills Clara spit out earlier.

Toot: Hmm, what’s this? Candy?

Toot picks up a handful of the pills and scoops them in her mouth. With a smile on her face, she swallows them. Immediately her expression freezes in place, and she promptly keels over sideways. Marty turns toward the disturbance and sees Toot collapsed on the ground. Alarmed, he looks at the box he is holding and realizes what happened.

Marty: (miffed) Oh, crap, not again!

Cut to the synagogue. It is the night of Hero’s bat mitzvah.

Foxxy: (in confessional) So Clara decided to attend the bat mitzvah after all. It was obvious she was still in a state of distress and confusion, but the important thing is, she was trying. And she was holding onto Ling-Ling’s little hand so tight, I thought she was going to crush the little guy.

The camera pans the housemates seated at the ceremony. Clara is extremely somber, but remains strong as she holds onto Ling-Ling’s hand. Toot and Marty sit quietly snickering to themselves. Wooldoor sits wearing a nightcap and robe. Hero, wearing a yarmulke, stands at the front next to UFG. Finally, Edward Goldberg comes out.

Goldberg: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank all of you for attending this momentous occasion. For it is today that Captain Leslie Hero becomes a bat mitzvah. But before the ceremony takes place, I have an announcement to make. First of all, I’d like to introduce all of you to the pious young lady in front there. Her name is Princess Clara. (Everyone turns to look at Clara.)

Clara: (quietly) Why can’t you just leave me in peace?

Goldberg: For many years, this young lady was the most notorious anti-Semite in all the land. (The crowd boos her. Clara sits quietly, trying to summon her strength.) However, very recently, she received some surprising news. I informed her, that she, in fact, had Jewish blood. (The crowd gasps.)

Clara: Honestly, people. Is it really THAT riveting?

Goldberg: Immediately, this threw the woman into a panic. What to do now? Now she was the very thing she hated! I halfway expected her to do a full 180 and begin leading a crusade to wipe out all Gentiles!

Clara: Yeah, cause I’m just that suggestible, apparently.

Goldberg: At any rate, I just hope this whole experience has taught this young lady not to hate anymore. (Clara looks at him questioningly) And let that be a lesson to you all. Should prejudice ever overcome you, why, who knows… one day your rabbi might hand you a cock and bull story like he did Princess Clara.

There is a close-up of Clara’s face. As she realizes what happened, her face assumes a look of horror and disbelief. After taking a moment to digest what Goldberg has said, Clara stands up angrily.

Clara: What? You mean that whole thing about me being Jewish was just a lie you told me to teach me a lesson?

Goldberg: (smiling smugly) That’s right, my dear. And it worked.

Clara: Worked? No, it didn’t work! You didn’t teach me not to hate. All you did was make me an emotional wreck and nearly destroyed my life.

Goldberg: Then that must mean that your hatred was so firmly entrenched in you that it couldn’t be overcome, and you began to hate yourself.

Clara: (starts to blow up again, but backs off) No. No, Mr. Goldberg, that’s not it. It wasn’t being Jewish that upset me. It was that I wasn’t being allowed to be Christian any longer. It’s my Christianity that was so firmly entrenched in me that it couldn’t be overcome, not my hatred of Judaism. It wasn’t that you gave me something I didn’t want, Mr. Goldberg. It was that you took away from me something I *did* want.

Goldberg: So you’re saying it’s not that you hate Judaism, it’s that you love Christianity.

Clara: Yes. Yes, that’s what I’m saying.

Goldberg: Good. Then I *did* teach you something.

Clara: Fine. Maybe you did. But that doesn’t mean what you did was right. You played with my emotions and drove me to the point of suicide, and that’s not right, no matter what good may have come out of it. Mr. Goldberg, if you wanted to cure me of my hatred of Jews, you should have just tried talking to me about it. I’m a sane, rational person. I can be reasoned with.

Goldberg: Perhaps. But it was more fun this way. (He laughs. Clara scowls and sits back down.)

Spanky: God, what a douchebag!

Clara: No kidding. (Ling-Ling takes her hand again. The service resumes.)

Hero: So are we gonna get on with my bat mitzvah now?

Goldberg: Oh, right. Your bat mitzvah. (to congregation) And now, that brings me to my other announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, this man here, Captain Hero, asked for a bat mitzvah. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a bat mitzvah is something only females receive.

Hero: What? You mean you have to be a girl? Damn! It’s like synchronized swimming tryouts all over again!

Goldberg: Honestly, Mr. Hero, how could you not know that? You’re not too bright, are you? (He laughs. Hero and Foxxy both glare at him. Goldberg addresses the congregation again.) Anyway, sorry to have wasted everyone’s time like this. (He laughs and begins walking off.) See you all later!

The crowd, annoyed, files out of the synagogue. The housemates gather together, except for Wooldoor, who is fast asleep in his seat. UFG and Toot go to Clara.

UFG: Clara, look. I’m truly sorry about what my father did to you. Honestly, I had no idea he was making the whole thing up.

Clara: It’s okay, Mandy, I know you didn’t know.

Toot: Clara, I know Jews weren’t exactly your favorite people to begin with, but even after what Mr. Goldberg did you, please try to understand. Not all Jews are like that. Most of us are really good people who try to do good for others.

Clara: I know, Toot. (to the group) Thanks, you guys. Thank you all so much for helping me through this.

Xandir: Hey, it’s the least we could do for a friend.

Clara: Toot, Mandy… what you two told me just now went a good deal further toward helping me get over my anti-Semitism than any of Mr. Goldberg’s scare tactics ever could.

Toot: Thanks, Clara.

Hero: (to Foxxy) I don’t believe this… I don’t get my bat? I’m so disappointed!

Foxxy: Oh, it’s all right, Captain Hero. I personally can’t give you a bat, but I can give you a bat! (She pulls out a baseball bat and hands it to him.) Does that make it better?

Hero: (excited, like a child) Ooh, yes! We can use this tonight in the bedroom! And until then, I can run about the city destroying property at random!

Spanky: Well… I don’t know about you guys, but I think some revenge is in order. What do you think?

Toot: Yeah! I really want to get this a-hole good!

Foxxy: What was y’all thinking of doing?

Toot: Hmm… (looks around) Let’s trash the synagogue! Here, Captain Hero! Give me your bat! (He starts to hand it to her. However, as he passes her the bat, Clara intercepts it.)

Clara: (with a gleam in her eye) Actually, you guys… I have a better idea!

The scene changes to Edward Goldberg in the hallway of the synagogue later that night. Still chuckling to himself, he walks into the main area and turns on the lights. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. A look of near panic crosses his face.

Goldberg: Dear God in heaven… what the hell!

The camera pulls out to reveal the synagogue. We see that the entire synagogue is covered wall to wall in crosses. Goldberg looks toward the podium at the menorah. Around each of the candles in the menorah is hung a small crucifix on a chain. Out in front of the podium is a fully realized Nativity scene. Goldberg begins clutching his chest and stumbling.

Goldberg: Oh, dear God, I think I’m having a heart attack!

Ducked behind the rows of seats out of Goldberg’s view, the housemates laugh.


THE END