DTBL episode 12: The Religious Wrong

[Raymond-Raymond]

This episode is a prequel to the very first Drawn Together by Love episode, taking place right before it and leading directly into the events of Episode 1.

THE RELIGIOUS WRONG

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where Foxxy and Clara are watching TV.

TV announcer: (as graphic of show’s logo is superimposed on screen) And we now return you to “Who Wants To Be My Ho?”, starring Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Sir Mix-a-Lot: Ai'ight, ladies, when I call out y’all’s bitch name, please step forward and receive your booty slap. If you don’t receive a red mark from the back of my hand, that means y’all is eliminated. (clears throat) Skank Mama, please step forward.

As Mix-a-Lot continues to call out the women’s names (each accompanied by the sound of a slap), the shot cuts back to Foxxy and Clara. Clara has a very concerned look on her face.

Clara: I don’t get it. Why are these women doing this? Why are they letting this man treat them like this?

Foxxy: Cause they’re hoes, Clara!

Clara: Ohhhhhhh, okay. (They continue to watch for a moment as the roll call of names and accompanying slaps continue.) So as punishment for being loose women, this man gives them a spanking. That makes sense. Well, at least this shows they have enough good in their hearts to want redemption. A kind of corporal mortification, if you will. (Foxxy, slightly confused, nods.) I just wish I knew why they seemed to enjoy it so much. I guess they really do have God in their hearts! (Foxxy tries to restrain a laugh as the show goes to commercial.)

TV announcer: (in a loud, booming voice) Thiiiiiiiiiiis Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It’s Monster Prayer Action! Come on down to the Lone Pine Mall and see the meanest, toughest missionary group in the world, Christians for Jehovah! With special guest, the head of the CFJ himself, Stone Cold Tom Robbins! Watch as they CRRRRRRUSH sin dead in its tracks. Stick around afterward for cupcakes and punch and meet with Tom Robbins himself! Be there… or… be damned! (pause) To hell! (pause) Cause if you don’t make it… you’re probably going to hell. Okay, that wasn’t a very good ending.

Cut back to Clara and Foxxy. Clara is wrinkling her nose in annoyance.

Clara: Hmph, that guy gets me so irritated!

Foxxy: Yeah, I hate him too. I mean, he comes on sounding all tough, but then when the Foxxy gets behind the soundboard in the announcer booth with him, suddenly she find out he only sounds like that cause he has that microphone with him. Which is fine when we’re in the booth together, but in Foxxy’s car, he sounds like I’m molesting a little girl. And that is NOT the way to impress Foxxy’s friends on the street corner. I know that from experience!

Clara: I’m not talking about the announcer, Foxxy, I’m talking about Tom Robbins. You know, the head of Christians for Jehovah!

Foxxy: What’s wrong with him?

Clara: I mean, look. Here he is, the head of the most powerful missionary organization in the world and he’s doing nothing to take advantage of it! He could be out there trampling all those other puny religions in their tracks, but instead he’s hanging around the mall serving cupcakes! Why, if I were in charge of that organization, us Christians would take over the world!

Foxxy: (in confessional) Note to myself. Stop watching television with Clara.

Clara: You know what I have a good mind to do?

Foxxy: Fly off the handle, raise a big stink about it, and berate everyone so relentlessly with your impossibly strict moral views that you end up doing your religion more harm than good?

Clara: Something like that, yeah.

Foxxy: So… you’re gonna be Evil Clara this week, then?

Clara: Looks like it, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Okay. (gets up) I’m gonna go warn the others.

Clara: Thanks, Foxxy. (Foxxy goes. As Hero walks in, Clara suddenly becomes concerned.) Wait a minute… is that how I look to people? Unbending and unlikable? Wow… no wonder I’ve topped the Drawn Together least favorite character poll six years running. And the show hasn't even been on that long!

Hero: (sitting down on the couch with Clara) Don’t beat yourself up like that, Clara. You’re not a bad person at all.

Clara: Awww, thanks, Hero. That’s really sweet of you.

Hero: Clara, the truth is, we may bristle at your methods, but deep down we all respect your strong moral fiber, and if we give you a hard time about it, it’s only because we feel inadequate and that we’ll never live up to your example.

Clara: Really, Hero? I’m touched. I had no idea that deep down you really respected me.

Hero: And personally, I don’t see any reason we can’t catch up to you in the morality standings.

Clara: You mean that? You’re going to try to improve your behavior for me?

Hero: Well, no… what I was thinking was that you could bring yourself down to our level. It would certainly be easier for all of us!

Clara: (regaining her cynicism) And let me guess. The way I do that will be by sleeping with you.

Hero: Oh, you don’t have to be so drastic, Clara! I mean, just taking off that dress and cavorting around the house naked for a while will be sufficient. (Clara is alarmed.) I can take care of the rest myself!

Clara: So, you mean… just taking off my dress will make people like me?

Hero: That’s right, Clara.

Clara: So… nudity equals being liked.

Hero: Most certainly.

Clara: I see. (calls into other room) Oh, Toot, could you come in here a minute?

Toot: (from other room) Sure thing, Clara! (Toot enters. She is completely naked. Clara smiles evilly as Hero acts creeped out.) Hey, guys!

Clara: Let the party begin! (She leaves. Hero sits there staring in disbelief at Toot’s naked body.)

Toot: So what’s up?

Hero: Nothing, Toot. Just… nothing.

Toot: You trying to get Clara naked again and she pulled the old bait and switch?

Hero: Yeah.

Toot: Sorry about that. Sucks for you! (Hero nods.) You want me to go put some clothes on, then?

Hero: No, it’s okay, Toot. I’ve found your naked body to be an acquired taste.

Toot: (nonchalantly) Okay! (She sits down on the couch and begins watching TV with Hero.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene opens on the living room. Spanky and Wooldoor are now watching TV.

Sir Mix-a-Lot: (on TV) Sorry, Aquavelva! But you broke Sir Mix-a-Lot’s heart! Looks like you’s out!

Aquavelva: Oh, no! You mean I don’t get a slap?

Sir Mix-a-Lot: Oh, you still get a slap. But not the good kind!

Spanky: (as we heard a slap followed by a loud shriek) Now you see that, Wooldoor? That’s why you don’t sass back to a washed up one-hit novelty rapper!

Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh, okay! Thanks for teaching me the facts of life like this, Spanky!

Spanky: Hey, I wouldn’t want you learning it on the streets! (looks at watch) Okay, it’s time for Springer. (changes channel) Now, Wooldoor, I’m going to teach you about the importance of being faithful to your transvestite KKK devil worshipping partner who's pregnant with your brother’s baby!

The phone rings.

Spanky: Hello? 1-900-SPANK! This is Hambone, how can I help you? Ling-Ling? Sorry, he’s busy at the moment. But I’ll be sure to tell him you called! Okay, thanks. (As Spanky hangs up the phone, Ling-Ling enters.) Oh, Ling-Ling! Just got another phone call for you! That’s like, the tenth one today!

Ling-Ling: Who is it this time?

Spanky: It was your friend Sayonara. You know, the one you met at the club the other night.

Ling-Ling: (disappointed) Oh. Okay. Thanks, honorable pig demon.

Spanky: What’s the deal, Ling-Ling? You said the other night she was the hottest battle monster you’ve ever seen. And now suddenly you’re not even interested?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not know. Ling-Ling feel… different lately. Like he not interested in battling female monsters anymore.

Wooldoor: You mean you’re gay now too, Ling-Ling? That’s great! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Hey, Xandir, get in here! (Xandir enters) Guess what, Xandir! Ling-Ling’s gay now! Your fantasy can finally come true!

Xandir: You mean a four way with a muscular superhero, a one-eyed three-legged troll, and a small battle monster? Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!

Ling-Ling: No! You have it all wrong! Ling-Ling not gay!

Xandir: (majorly disappointed) Oh. (He turns around where we see Captain Hero and the above-mentioned troll.) Sorry, guys. Guess it’s not gonna happen after all. (Hero and the troll are majorly bummed as they and Xandir walk off together.)

Spanky: Wait a minute. So if you’re not gay… what’s all this about you not being interested in battling female monsters anymore?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not know. For some reason… he starting to wonder if maybe he want something different. Ling-Ling think he want different kind of relationship not based on battle.

Wooldoor: So why don’t you just date female monsters and not battle them?

Ling-Ling: Date female monster and not battle? That be like living with Toot and not killing her every week. That what they there for!

Spanky: So what are you looking for, Ling-Ling? You want to date outside your species? I don’t know if that’s a good idea!

Wooldoor: What are you talking about, Spanky? You dated Clara once, remember?

Spanky: I know, but that was different! What Clara and I had together was very special. It was strong enough to transcend species boundaries.

Ling-Ling: You crapped on pizza together.

Spanky: Hey, to Spanky, that’s special! Is it my fault Clara got it into her head she was above doody jokes and decided she wanted an actual relationship? (Ling-Ling becomes lost in thought.) I mean, leave it to a woman to go and ruin a good thing by bringing feelings into it!

As Ling-Ling is lost in thought, Toot pokes her head around the doorway.

Toot: Hey, Ling-Ling? I’ve got a lot of things to do later, so do you think you could go ahead and kill me now and get this week’s death over with? (She emerges holding a butcher knife, a chain saw, and a bucket labeled “Deadly Virus,” followed by the words “Warning: Not for human consumption” in small letters.) I even brought you some tools to save you time.

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling not sure what was happening, but something Spanky say strike a chord in him. Perhaps Ling-Ling and human woman look for same things. Or maybe it not all human women… maybe just- (shakes his head) No. Ling-Ling not allow himself to think about that possibility. It too crazy to come true. Like Tom Cruise fans thinking he might start acting sensible one day.

Cut to the mall. There are stands set up all around, each one containing several trays of cupcakes and punch. Clara views the proceedings disapprovingly.

Clara: Oh, this is sure going to make the Jews quiver in their tracks! Why don’t they just hand out free tickets to heaven while they’re at it? (A man walks up behind Clara.)

Man: Excuse me, ma’am, are you enjoying the festivities today?

Clara: Festivities? Is that what you’re calling them? I guess the threat of sin and going to hell is just one big party to you! In fact- (She turns. Immediately she realizes who she is talking to.) Hello, Mr. Robbins. I didn’t realize it was you.

Tom: Please, call me Tom.

Clara: All right, Tom.

Tom: You don’t seem to be enjoying yourself here today. Is there anything I can help you with?

Clara: (sighs) Well… yes, there is. (She gestures around.) I mean, what’s the deal with all this? I know you’re trying to do good here, but- do you really think we can stop people from sinning by giving them cupcakes? The only way that would work would be if everyone in the world were like my housemate Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: (in confessional) (holding a giant cake) And this is what Clara gave me to stop swearing! Wasn’t that goddamn cool of her?

Clara: I just don’t think you’re being proactive enough in promoting our religion.

Tom: You seem awfully concerned about the state of religion today, Miss-

Clara: Clara.

Tom: Miss Clara. I admire your conscientiousness very much. In fact… would you like to discuss this over dinner tonight? (He and Clara look at each other.)

Clara: (in confessional) I knew right away the big jerk was smitten with me. While I really didn’t want to encourage him in it, seeing as how I wasn’t attracted to him at all, I knew going to dinner with him would at least give me a chance to make my voice heard.

Cut to the restaurant where Clara and Tom are on their date together. It is the same restaurant, and the same table where Clara and Captain Hero ate dinner in “Spelling Applebee’s”.

Tom: This is a very nice restaurant! What do you think, Clara?

Clara: It’s okay, I guess. (Suddenly a waiter walks past. Clara notices it is the same waiter from her date with Captain Hero. She nudges Tom.) Um, Tom? Do you see that waiter who just walked by?

Tom: Yes. What about him?

Clara: Were you planning at any point to make out with him tonight, by chance?

Tom: (slightly confused) Of course not.

Clara: Were you planning to make out with ANY of the waiters here?

Tom: (very confused) No.

Clara: Were you planning to make out with any other man at all on our date?

Tom: No!

Clara: Sorry, just like to cover all my bases.

Tom: So anyway, Clara. You seem really devoted to Christ. Is there a story there? I want to hear all about it.

Clara: (in confessional) It was the first time any man had ever asked me to talk about my faith. He HAD to be in love with me! (sighs) But I figured I had to play along.

Clara: Well… as a little girl, my mother always taught me about all the wonderful things Jesus did for us. “Jesus is your best friend, Clara. Jesus will watch over you wherever you go. Just trust in Jesus, Clara, and all will be well.”

Tom: Your mother sounds like a wonderful person. Whatever happened to her?

Clara: Oh, my dad plowed into her with his carriage one time when he was drunk and she died. But anyway, Tom, that’s all in the past. I have some great ideas for your organization.

Tom: Oh, never mind my organization, Clara, I want to talk about you!

Clara: (in confessional) Talk about me? What did he think I came on this date for, anyway? To get to know each other?

Clara: You’re really sweet, Tom. But I have to be honest with you. The main reason I came here-

Tom: Clara, before you go any further, I have something I need to say to you. (She is annoyed, but attentive.) I just want to say that not only are you one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid eyes on, but your reverence and your obvious devotion to Christ just makes you all the more attractive to me.

Clara: (voice over) I’m not gonna get rid of this loser, am I? (sighs) Oh, well, just play along, Clara. Though I don’t know at this point why I should even bother since I obviously have nothing to gain from this situation.

Tom: Clara, I’ve been running this organization by myself for a long time now, and to be honest, it’s starting to wear me down. I feel like I just need to settle down and step away from it. And you’re just the kind of woman I’d like to settle down and step away from it with.

Clara: Wait a minute, Tom. Are you… proposing to me?

Tom: Sort of.

Clara: (sarcastically) What a romantic gesture! Gee, this is the moment every girl dreams of!

Tom: Just let me finish, Clara. A lot of the reason I’ve been doing everything myself is because I simply have difficulty trusting responsibility to others. I need someone who not only can take my mind off my troubles in times of stress (Clara rolls her eyes)… but who can also assume many of the job responsibilities I now hold. (Clara is suddenly more attentive.)

Clara: So in other words… you want a wife… who will help you run the organization.

Tom: That’s right.

Clara: (suddenly becomes seductive) So, Tom… (She touches his arm flirtatiously.) Why don’t you tell me about yourself?

(to be continued…)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut to the living room. Foxxy sits on the couch watching “Who Wants To Be My Ho” while Xandir, holding a pencil and paper, is on the phone making calls.

Sir Mix-a-Lot: (in background) All right, y’all, it looks like the red marks from the slaps y’all received last time has healed already, so I’m gonna have to slap y’all again. So, everybody, line up against the wall with your hands to the wall… (His voice trails off as Xandir comes into focus.)

Xandir: (on phone) Hello, Battle Monster Training Academy? Yes, I need to know if your institution has any rules against homosexuals in your ranks. I see. So have you actually kicked anyone out because of this? (writes info down on a piece of paper) Could I have their names and addresses?

Clara enters in a state of bliss humming to herself. Foxxy turns to her.

Foxxy: All right, Clara, what’s going on? What’d your lover boy give you this time?

Clara: This! (shows Foxxy her wrist) Look, it’s a hand-engraved gold Jesus watch! Whenever the hands are at two and ten o’clock, it looks just like Jesus is being crucified!

Foxxy: So things are going really well between the two of you?

Clara: Just the best! Why, we’re practically married!

Foxxy: Then in that case, let me be the first to offer my congratulations. It looks like you’ve found your true love at last.

Clara: My what? Oh, right, true love. Yeah, it’s the best.

Foxxy: (A look of disappointment crosses her face.) I knew it. You don’t really love this guy, do you, Clara?

Clara: Why, what a silly question, Foxxy! Of course I… love… him.

Foxxy: (in confessional) I had to find out if Clara was lying to me. But I knew I had to be careful about how I asked it so Clara wouldn’t think I doubted her honesty.

Foxxy: Clara, you wouldn’t lie to me, right?

Clara: Of course not.

Foxxy: Now look me in the eye and tell me you love him.

Clara: I love him.

Foxxy: Now, Clara. Look me in the eye and tell me you love Tom.

Clara: (stares at Foxxy for a minute, then winces in frustration) Dammit! Okay, fine, Foxxy, you caught me. When I said, “I love him,” just now, I was actually referring to Jesus. No, Foxxy, you’re right, I don’t love Tom.

Foxxy: Wow, Clara. You are the most godly liar I have ever known. But a liar nonetheless.

Clara: Oh, what’s the big deal, Foxxy? You play guys for favors all the time! Or do you expect us to believe all your DUI tickets just pay for themselves?

Foxxy: I use guys for favors, Clara, you’re right. But I don’t lead ‘em on and tell ‘em I love ‘em and all that. I just tell ‘em up front I’m only in for the cash.

Clara: And they’re okay with that?

Foxxy: Yeah. Usually all they want is sex anyway. And the Foxxy got no problems giving ‘em that! What about your guy, Clara? Are you giving him sex? (Clara looks horrified. Foxxy begins laughing.) Sorry, Clara, I just had to see how you’d react to that. And it was sure worth it!

Clara: What Tom and I have is pure and based on love! Admittedly, the love doesn’t work both ways, but… it’s still based on it! But don’t worry, Foxxy, as soon as Tom and I are married and I’m in charge of the missionary group, I’ll put out like crazy!

Foxxy: Like crazy?

Clara: At least twice a week!

Foxxy: Clara… that vagina monster of yours…

Clara: Yes, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Now did you have a curse placed on your vagina, or did that thing just grow there cause you never used it?

Clara: I guess that’s something YOU’LL never have to worry about happening, is it?

Foxxy: Clara, all I’m asking you is to be considerate. This guy really loves you and you’re playing with his heart. Now I know you don’t know what it’s like to have your feelings hurt, but I can tell you it hurts really bad. Try to keep that in mind, okay?

Clara: Sure, Foxxy, whatever you say. (checks her watch) It’s time for my date with Tom now. I think tonight might be the night he pops the question! Wish me luck! (Foxxy stares at her coldly.) Fine, I don’t need your luck anyway. (Clara begins walking off.) Probably just a lot of voodoo superstition anyway. (She leaves. Xandir puts down the phone.)

Xandir: So you’ll do it? Perfect! It’s a date, then! (calls upstairs) Hey, Hero, get down here! (Hero suddenly crashes through the ceiling and lands in front of Xandir.) Hero! I’ve found a friend of Ling-Ling’s who's nominally straight, but he’s been having doubts lately! I think maybe we can convince him to go gay and then our fantasy will come true! (Hero dashes downstairs.)

Hero: Goody! Goody! (turns to Foxxy) I’m not gay, by the way. (to Xandir) So when do we meet him?

Xandir: Tonight! He’s invited all of us to this benefit! It’s to support harvesting stem cells to fertilize the rain forest to cut them down and feed the world’s starving children and raise awareness about breast cancer! (calls to rest of house) Hey, everybody, get down here! (Spanky, Wooldoor, and Toot come bounding down the stairs excitedly.)

Spanky: Did I hear you say we’re going out, Xandir?

Xandir: That’s right!

Wooldoor: I love going out! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Even if it’s just to some crappy benefit!

Toot: (excitedly) Wow, that’s something I have absolutely no interest in doing, but for the purposes of the story, I’m going to pretend to be really excited about it!

Foxxy: Well, what’s y’all waiting for? Let’s go! (They start to leave.)

Xandir: Wait a minute, you guys. What about Ling-Ling?

Wooldoor: Oh, he’s still moping around all depressed upstairs. I don’t think he wants to go out.

Foxxy: Well, did you bother asking him?

Toot: That would require going all the way back up there.

Foxxy: Good point. Come on, y’all, let’s go! (They exit.)

Cut to Tom’s house. Clara knocks.

Clara: (flirtatiously) Hello, Tom?

Tom: Why, would that be the melodious voice of my darling Clara?

Clara: I don’t know about melodious or darling.

Tom: Is it Clara?

Clara: Yes.

Tom: Then it is! (She enters.) Hey, Clara.

Clara: Hi, Tom!

Tom: I’m really glad you’re here, Clara. You know, I think you get prettier every time I see you.

Clara: (in confessional) “You get prettier every time I see you.” Now where had I heard that phrase before? Oh, right. Every sappy love poem ever written! (rolls eyes) How much more clichéd can you get?

Clara: I understand you had something you wanted to ask me tonight, Tom?

Tom: That’s right, Clara. It’s something that’s been on my mind ever since I first met you, and I just don’t think I can wait any longer.

Clara: (voice over) Finally, here it comes! (eagerly, to Tom) Yes, Tom?

Tom: But first- (Clara sighs in exasperation) I just wanted to say how amazingly lucky I am to found a person like you.

Clara: Right. Lucky to have found me. Blah blah blah. Can we move on, please?

Tom: I’ve known lots of women in my life. And being a role model in the Christian community can sometimes make it difficult to find love, given the perception many people have of us religious types.

Clara: Yeah, we’re persecuted for our beliefs and stuff. So anyway?

Tom: Believe it or not, Clara, I’ve made the mistake of letting myself get close to women only to find they’re only in the relationship for one thing- sex.

Clara: (growing more impatient with each breath) How shocking that people would do that. But as you were saying-

Tom: It’s happened several times that I’ve thought I’ve found love and given my heart over to a woman only to find she didn’t return my feelings.

Clara: (starting to become worried) You’re saying you’ve been used?

Tom: That’s right. I’ve come to find that the woman wasn’t interested in me for me, that she only sought sex, or in some cases… she was just trying to worm her way into a powerful position in my organization. (He fixes Clara’s stare. Immediately Clara’s look changes to one of alarm as she tries to hide her panic. Tom then breaks eye contact and loosens back up. Clara breathes a sigh of relief as Tom continues.) But you’re different, Clara. I know a pure heart when I see one, and you definitely have one. I know just by looking at you and talking to you that your aims are completely honest, and you only care about me. (Clara becomes worried again.) Clara, I had given up on true love, but you’ve made me believe again. You made me believe with your pure, honest heart.

Clara: (in confessional) My pure, honest heart. I made him believe again. Hearing Tom talk about how other women had used him suddenly made me feel bad. And even though I was planning to use him too, he thought I was different. No, he didn’t just think I was different. He knew in his heart I was different. God had told him I was different. Well, I thought to myself, if he and God are going to show that kind of faith in me, I’m not going to let them down. He thinks I’m different. Well, goshdarnit, I’ll BE different! All of a sudden, I wasn’t concerned about his organization at all. The only thing I could think about right then… was how much I loved him.

Clara: (hugs Tom) Oh, Tom, I am different! I love you, Tom, really, I do! I don’t care about a spot in your organization. All I want is to be yours!

Tom: Oh, Clara, I can’t tell you how happy that makes me! So you really do love me?

Clara: Yes, Tom, I love you!

Tom: I love you too, Clara!

Clara: And Tom, I just wanted you to know that I’m totally ready to take the plunge!

Tom: I was hoping you’d say that! Come on upstairs! I’ve got something I want to show you!

Clara is giddy as the pair rush up the stairs. Tom stops them in front of a door in the hallway.

Clara: (in confessional) I was so excited about what was behind the door! Was it a lovely makeshift wedding chapel decked out in flowers? Was it a chamber orchestra planning to serenade us? Or was it simply a room of more modest décor from which Tom would pull out the engagement ring? I was hardly able to contain my excitement as he opened the door.

He opens the door. There stands on a large soundstage a goat attached to a broken down cart flanked by two beautiful models in sequined dresses. A studio audience full of people in wacky costumes can be seen off to the side.

Tom: Oops, sorry, wrong door!

He quickly closes the door and leads Clara to the next door down the hall. He opens the door. Immediately Clara’s look changes to one of disappointment as the camera cuts to reveal the contents of the room.

Clara: It’s a bed.

Tom: That’s right.

Clara: It’s not even a fancy bed. It looks like something they tossed out of a fleabag motel room.

Tom: Actually, I bought it at Wal-Mart.

Clara: Same thing. So… what’s this about?

Tom: (with a seductive look in his eye) Clara… you’re an intelligent woman. I just showed you a bed. What do men and women do in beds? Besides sleeping, I mean.

Clara: Well, the more disreputable ones have… (suddenly realizes) Ohhhhh, I get it now. This is for us to- (has trouble completing the phrase)

Tom: Yeah.

Clara: Oh, okay, I see. Well, I guess that would be okay. (Tom clenches his fists in triumph.) Once we’re married.

Tom: Why not until then?

Clara: Because that’s the way good Christians do things. Tom, if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t even be considering doing this at all. But since we do love each other, I don’t see why we can’t wait until after we’re married.

Tom: (frustrated) Oh, God, you’re one of those.

Clara: One of those what?

Tom: One of those people who won’t DO anything until you’ve got a ring on your finger!

Clara: I don’t see what the hurry is. I mean, we’ll be married soon enough, then we’ll be able to do it as much as we like.

Tom: Oh, wake up and smell the holy water, Clara! I don’t have any intention of marrying you!

Clara: (trying to hide her disappointment, but visibly crushed) You don’t?

Tom: No!

Clara: But… you said you loved me. I thought you wanted to be with me!

Tom: Right! But not if you won’t put out!

Clara: (on the verge of tears) Oh my God… all this time… you were just trying to use me for sex? So I’m not special to you at all?

Tom: Yes, you’re special to me! Just not special enough to marry.

Clara: (by now crying) It’s ironic that you said earlier I had a pure, honest heart. Because it seems like those are the kind that get broken the most.

Tom: Clara, I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Clara: No, it’s okay, Tom. You’re not to blame here, it’s all me. It’s completely my fault- for being stupid enough to expose my heart to a jerk like you! Goodbye, Tom! (She runs out. Tom walks over and sits down on the bed. He lies back on the bed and stretches out. Disappointed, he sits back up.)

Tom: Nah, it’s just not as much fun without a girl!

Cut to the living room of the Drawn Together house. A distraught, tearful Clara bursts through the door.

Clara: Guys? Guys, is anyone here? Come on, you guys, I could really use some help right now! Foxxy? Spanky? Hero? Anybody?

Clara becomes even more downcast and is now almost desperate. Finally, not knowing what else to do, she cries and runs upstairs. She rushes into her room and throws herself down on her bed. Crying profusely, she buries her head in her pillow. After a moment, she lifts her head and sits upright on the bed.

Clara: They’ve all gone. Deserted me in my hour of need. (She pauses for a moment.) I guess I’ve been left to face this one all alone. (She resumes crying, not realizing that Ling-Ling by this point is standing in the doorway watching her.)

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling not know why Carla crying. He spend most of last few days lost in his own problems, but he remember chocolate animal woman saying something about her being mean to some guy. If that true, he guess princess get what she deserve. But… Ling-Ling still want to make pain go away.

Ling-Ling: (entering Clara’s room) No, Carla… you no have to face it alone. Whatever it is.

Clara: (looks up) Oh, Ling-Ling. I didn’t know there was anyone else here. What happened to the others?

Ling-Ling: Other housemates go somewhere and not tell Ling-Ling. He seem to get overlooked a lot for some reason.

Clara: I’m sorry, Ling-Ling. At least we’re here together now.

Ling-Ling: (hops up on bed and puts his hand on Clara’s shoulder) Carla… what wrong?

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, you know Tom, the guy I’ve been dating? Well, it kind of fell apart tonight. In a big way.

Ling-Ling: That awful. It not fair Carla get treated this way.

Clara: Actually, Ling-Ling, it probably is fair. I was using him too. I knew the guy really liked me, but I didn’t care. All I wanted was a spot in his organization.

Ling-Ling: So if you not really care about him… why Carla upset?

Clara: Because, Ling-Ling. The guy was just so darn sweet to me that he won me over. I realized I actually loved him after all. But of course, as soon as I decide to quit using him and give my heart over to him completely- he drops the bombshell on me. He told me he only wanted me for sex, and since I wouldn’t give him that unless he married me, I was no use to him.

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling not sure what happening inside him. Not sure why it suddenly so important to him for Carla to be happy. But Ling-Ling know he do whatever it take to make that happen.

Ling-Ling: Listen, Carla. That guy bad. He very bad. Fact you were using him still not make it right for him to use you. He scum and Ling-Ling hope he die.

Clara: That’s so sweet of you to say, Ling-Ling. But somehow letting myself hate him doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.

Ling-Ling: Carla… Ling-Ling make you deal. Princess want marriage but not sex, Ling-Ling make that happen. Carla marry Ling-Ling, she no have to have sex ever. Be just like Charles and Di. (For the first time, Clara’s mood begins to brighten.)

Clara: That’s really nice of you, Ling-Ling. But I wouldn’t want to go THAT far. I mean, I’d probably be willing to give in after three weeks or so. But seriously, Ling-Ling, thank you. I can’t believe you would say such a wonderful thing to me. I guess maybe there’s still hope for romance yet.

The two sit there on the bad for a moment without speaking as Ling-Ling continues to comfort Clara. Finally, Clara speaks.

Clara: Something has to change in my life, Ling-Ling. I need to escape this vicious cycle somehow. I need to quit worrying about trying to find a guy who’ll give me the life I want and just try to find someone who’ll love me.

Clara pauses. Ling-Ling takes a moment to collect himself, then opens his mouth to speak.

Ling-Ling: I… I’ll-

Clara: (not noticing Ling-Ling is trying to speak) But considering the way I’ve behaved ever since I’ve been in this house, I wouldn’t blame God if he never wants to give me that. (She pauses again. Ling-Ling considers speaking again, but chooses not to. Clara resumes.) I think maybe I just need to be alone for a while, Ling-Ling. I think I need to get things sorted out in my own head first. Then if I ever accomplish that- then I’ll worry about everyone else.

Ling-Ling: Are you going to be okay, Carla?

Clara: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Maybe not right away, but I’ll come through somehow. You’ve actually helped me with that a lot more than you realize, Ling-Ling. I guess it’s fate that you were the only one here tonight during my crisis.

Ling-Ling: Right. Fate.

Clara: I’m just going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep. Then tomorrow I’ll start dealing with everything again. (She gets off the bed and picks up Ling-Ling.) But thank you, Ling-Ling. (She kisses him softly.) Thank you for everything. (She sets Ling-Ling down in the doorway. As Clara begins getting ready for bed, Ling-Ling starts to speak again.)

Ling-Ling: Carla. I… I’ll- (Clara does not hear him, however.)

Clara: Goodnight, Ling-Ling. And again… thank you.

She closes the door. Ling-Ling stands looking after her.

Ling: I’ll love you, Carla…

The scene slowly fades out. When it fades back in, it is the next morning. Foxxy and Ling-Ling are on the couch watching TV. Xandir enters from upstairs while Hero enters from the kitchen. The two run into each other and react with alarm.

Hero: Xandir!

Xandir: Hero!

Hero: (awkwardly) Um… um… Xandir?

Xandir: Yes, Hero?

Hero: What the hell did we do last night?

Xandir: If memory serves… we got really drunk and had four way sex with this miniature lizard dinosaur thing and your cousin Mike.

Hero: (his panic suddenly dissolving) Oh, okay! I thought it was something like that.

Xandir: See you at breakfast, Hero?

Hero: Sure thing, Xandir. (They begin walking off. Hero turns and calls out to Xandir as he leaves.) I’m not gay, by the way! (They walk off. The focus shifts to Foxxy and Ling-Ling watching TV. Toot enters and begins walking toward them.)

Toot: Hey, guys. What’s up?

Foxxy: Not much, Toot. Hey, Toot, have you seen Clara today?

Toot: Yeah, she’s still in her bedroom. She says she’s not ready to come down just yet. She’s got something on her mind.

Foxxy: I bet something happened with that guy of hers. I’d better go check on her. (She gets up and walks upstairs.)

Toot walks over and sits next to Ling-Ling on the couch. She gives him a glare, but Ling-Ling pays no attention to her. She clears her throat, but Ling-Ling still ignores her. She clears her throat again. Ling-Ling continues to focus his attention on the television. Finally, her patience runs out.

Toot: Goddammit, Ling-Ling, would you just look at me?

Ling-Ling: (finally turning his attention to Toot) What fat whale want now?

Toot: Ling-Ling, we’re almost to the end of the episode and you still haven’t killed me yet! What’s the holdup this week?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have other things on mind right now. Too busy to worry about giving blubbering walrus her well-deserved weekly slaying. You want violent death, you do it yourself this week.

Toot: Well, fine, maybe I will! (She nods in agreement.) By the way, has anyone gotten the mail yet?

Ling-Ling: (annoyed) (sighs) Ling-Ling get it. (As Toot leaves to go kill herself, Ling-Ling gets up and walks outside to get the mail. The room is momentarily empty as the TV continues to blare.)

Sir Mix-a-Lot: (on TV) Ai’ight, now we’s is ready for the final hoe-down! Now I want all you hoes to lie face down on the floor with yo’ asses in the air. Then I’m gonna come by and evaluate them. And maybe do a little somethin’ somethin’ while I’m at it. It just depends on how I’m feeling and how I like yo’ ass. Ai’ight, now, hoes, hit the floor!

As the scene continues, Spanky enters. He walks up to the TV with a look of confusion on his face. He stands watching for a moment in disbelief.

Spanky: Are none of the people who live here aware that there are other shows on TV we can watch? (shakes his head) No one around here has any taste anymore.

Spanky stands still watching the show. As he does this, he gradually walks over and sits down on the couch, never taking his eyes off the TV all the while. Finally, as Spanky sits engrossed in the program, we hear Sir Mix-a-Lot’s voice as the scene slowly fades.

Sir Mix-a-Lot: (on TV) Very good, Selsunblue, yo’ ass is passed! Now you, Minoxidil- yo’ ass is grass! And y’all know what that means!

As we hear the sound of slapping, the scene fades to black.


THE END