DTBL episode 13: The Fox and the Bird

[Raymond-Raymond]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled continuity...

THE FOX AND THE BIRD

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the kitchen where we see Foxxy and Ling-Ling discussing something. Toot is on the phone.

Toot: Another week? But that means you’ll miss Thanksgiving! Oh, well, if the Taliban won’t let you leave, I guess that’s not your fault. I’ll see you when you get back, I guess. Goodbye. (She hangs up.)

Foxxy: So Marty’s still under house arrest, huh?

Toot: Yeah, looks like he’s gonna be a hostage for another week. Dammit, I told him not to go to Dick Cheney’s house, but nooooooo, he just had to get this story! (sighs) I hate these lame excuses the writers come up with to get certain characters out of the story.

Foxxy: That sucks, Toot. But look at it this way- more screen time for *you*!

Toot: I guess so. (Spanky walks in.)

Foxxy: Besides, you can always drown your sorrows in ham. (Spanky becomes alarmed)

Spanky: What? Did I hear you right? Are you guys going to be serving HAM at Thanksgiving dinner?

Ling-Ling: Oh, grow up, honorable pig demon. Just be glad it not YOU we cutting up! (He looks at Foxxy questioningly. Foxxy shakes her head no.) But Spanky be on good behavior or else it might be!

Spanky: That’s not important. I just think it’s in very bad taste, that’s all. I mean, it may not be me we eat, but it may be someone I’m close to, like my mom.

Foxxy: Oh, Spanky, don’t be silly. The FDA would never allow us to serve THAT meat! Unless maybe we were a school cafeteria.

Spanky: (exasperated) Foxxy…

Foxxy: Oh, all right, Spanky. We won’t serve ham. Are you happy? (Spanky nods. Toot becomes alarmed.)

Toot: What? Did I hear you right? Are you guys NOT going to be serving ham at Thanksgiving dinner? That’s really in very bad taste!

Ling-Ling: (glares at Toot) Now YOU we might eat! (Xandir walks in.)

Foxxy: So what are we supposed to do, then? Spanky doesn’t want us serving ham, there’s not enough money in the household budget to buy a turkey, and thanks to that strange disease Captain Hero contracted from a Mexican prostitute, there isn’t a healthy chicken within a twenty-mile radius of here!

Xandir: Um, Foxxy, I have a suggestion.

Toot: Uh uh! No way, Xandir! We are not having tofurkey for dinner or any of that other godawful health food crap you vegetarians eat!

Xandir: Well, excuse me, Toot, some of us around here are trying to avoid dying of a heart attack before our thirtieth birthday! (Toot scowls.)

Foxxy: I guess the joke’s on you, Xandir. Toot’s already 30! In fact, she’s like, in her sixties or something! (Toot is shocked.)

Toot: What the hell are you talking about, Foxxy? I’m not in my sixties! I’m 22 years old! I’m younger than you!

Foxxy: Toot, just because I have 18 kids and 27 grandkids, not counting the ones I aborted, does not mean I’m old.

Spanky: Are you counting the one you gave birth to that was already pregnant? Let’s see, that would bring the total to… (Foxxy cuts him off.)

Foxxy: Be that as it may. Spanky, isn’t there any chance you’d be willing to reconsider this ham thing of yours? If we don’t have ham, we’ll have to eat Xandir’s health food stuff. Which ironically, makes everyone throw up.

Spanky: How about this? So we can’t afford a turkey. Well, what if we… steal one?

Foxxy: Oh, right. You’re gonna stuff a great big turkey down your pants?

Toot: I’m not eating it if he does that! (They all look at her.) Okay, I probably would.

Spanky: No, it’ll be simple. We can just smuggle it out under Clara’s dress.

Foxxy: You honestly think Clara’s gonna go along with a stunt like this?

Spanky: Who said Clara had to be involved?

Xandir: But you said you were going to hide it under Clara’s dress. (Spanky grins at Xandir. A look of worry crosses Xandir’s face.)

Cut to the supermarket. We see a long shot of what appears to be Spanky and Clara in front of the frozen foods section. The camera cuts to a closeup of Spanky adjusting Clara’s dress, which we see from the bottom.

Spanky: Okay, that’s perfect! The turkey may now be inserted! You ready?

The figure turns around. Instead of Clara, we see it is actually a very annoyed-looking Xandir wearing Clara’s dress and an auburn wig.

Xandir: (sighs) Yes, Spanky, I’m ready. Let’s just do this, okay?

Spanky: You got it! (He picks up the turkey. He quickly glances around to make sure no one’s looking.) Okay, the coast is clear! (He hands the turkey to Xandir, who stuffs the turkey under his dress between his legs.) Okay, now, let’s go! (Spanky and Xandir begin walking briskly. They reach the doors and start to walk out, but are stopped by a police officer.)

Officer: Well, hello there, you two, you going anywhere?

Spanky: No, we thought we’d just stand here in this spot all day for no reason.

Xandir: Actually, officer, we’re on our way to our car. (points outside) It’s out there. In the parking lot.

Officer: You know, ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a very… unique… way of walking. You know what a walk like that says to me?

Xandir: What?

Officer: (smiles) It says to me that you are a real classy lady with a very dainty, ladylike walk. Just the kind of lady I’d like to take to dinner tonight.

Xandir: (flattered) Why, that’s very nice of you, officer! I’d love to go out with you sometime. But right now, I really need to get home. (They start to walk out again, but the officer stops them.)

Officer: Could you at least give me your number before you go? How else am I going to get in touch with you? I mean, I could follow you home and stake out your house, but the chief gets kinda mad when I waste the taxpayers’ money like that.

Xandir: Sure thing, officer! Do you have a pen? (The officer hands Xandir a pen, but Xandir drops it.) Oh, sorry, I’ll get that!

Xandir reaches down to get the pen, but upon doing so, the turkey falls out from under his dress. Spanky groans in frustration as the officer looks at the two of them in an accusatory fashion. Xandir tries to come up with an excuse.

Xandir: Dammit, Spanky, I told you we should have gone to the hospital first! (He picks up the turkey and turns to the officer.) Oh, sure, my water broke in the car on the way over here, but he still thinks we’ve got time to stop for a Snickers. (The officer looks at Xandir in disbelief. Xandir looks down at the turkey.) Well, at least the umbilical cord snapped clean! (Xandir sighs and hands the turkey over to the officer. Spanky just shakes his head.)

CUE OPENING TITLES.

Foxxy: (in confessional) So Xandir and Spanky got arrested, and as usual, it was up to the Foxxy to come bail ‘em out again. I told ‘em once it started happening more than twice a week, I was gonna stop doin’ it, but no, they gotta take advantage of Foxxy’s poor math skills…

Cut to the Drawn Together house. Clara and Ling-Ling are coming down the stairs. Clara is wearing a T-shirt and sweat pants.

Clara: I don’t get it, Ling-Ling, I went to get dressed this morning and my purple dress was gone! It’s almost like they want me to wear different clothes or something!

As they reach the bottom of the stairs, Foxxy enters through the front door with Spanky and Xandir. Clara runs into Xandir and shrieks in alarm.

Clara: Oh my God! My dress! Xandir, what the hell are you doing wearing my dress?

Xandir: I’m sorry, Clara. But don’t worry, I didn’t get it dirty or anything.

Clara: It’s not that, Xandir, it’s just-

Xandir: Just what?

Clara: It’s just that- well- (She struggles for the words.) Dammit, Xandir, that’s my dress!

Xandir: So?

Clara: So… you look better in it than me! That’s not fair!

Spanky: It does suit your figure, Xandir.

Xandir: I’m sorry, Clara, I’ll go upstairs and change and you can have it back.

Clara: I don’t know if I even want it anymore. I think I’m just going to have to find a new outfit.

Spanky: You know, Clara, you could wear Xandir’s outfit. It would only be fair! (Clara glares at Spanky. Spanky shuts up.)

Foxxy: So what are we gonna do about Thanksgiving dinner now, guys? We still don’t have anything to serve!

Clara: I can’t believe those rotten producers won’t give us the money for a turkey!

Spanky: Actually, they did. But we blew it on booze and whores.

Xandir: (angrily) You said you had a coupon!

Foxxy: Guys, guys, don’t worry. I’ll just go talk to the producers and see if we can’t get them to give us a turkey. I’m sure we can get them to give in. Even if the Foxxy has to sacrifice her modesty!

Cut to Foxxy on the phone.

Foxxy: Are you kidding me? I even offer to sacrifice my modesty and you still say no?

Jew Producer: Foxxy, you sacrificing your modesty is a lot like an electronics store in the ghetto offering to give away free TV’s during power blackouts.

Foxxy: Well, isn’t there anything we can do to make you change your mind?

Jew Producer: Well, there is *one* thing you can do… well, not *you*, but… Foxxy, put me on speakerphone. (She does so.) All right, housemates, I’ll give you a turkey if you’ll do something for me.

Toot: We’ll do anything!

Jew Producer: The hot girl in the purple dress has to come to my office right now and pleasure me orally for one hour.

Clara: (shrieks in alarm) WHAT???

Jew Producer: You heard me right, Clara. I’m setting my watch right now. If I’m not being pleasured within the hour- no turkey! Ta ta! (The group gather around Clara, who is obviously distraught.)

Ling-Ling: Don’t worry, Carla. Bird not important enough to Ling-Ling to make you sacrifice your virtue. You ignore what that devil man says. Ling-Ling go kill him for even suggesting such a thing.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling’s right, Clara. Don’t even THINK about pleasuring that man! We don’t want a turkey that badly!

Toot: Speak for yourself, Foxxy! Clara, are you familiar with the expression, “take one for the team”? I would gladly do it!

Foxxy: Toot, you’d do it even if we wasn’t getting a turkey! In fact, you’d probably give HIM one!

Spanky: Clara, you don’t have to take one for the team. Just show him your boobs. I think that would satisfy him. (Clara is in utter disbelief.)

Hero: Hey, cut it out, you guys! Leave Clara alone! Clara, don’t do what that man says.

Clara: Thank you, Captain Hero.

Hero: Have sex with me instead, and I’ll buy everyone ten turkeys!

Clara: (looks down) Is it these clothes? Do people think once I’m out of my princess dress, all my morals are gone?

Xandir: That can’t be it, Clara. I’m wearing the dress now and *I* don’t feel any more virtuous! (Clara looks at Xandir, then looks at Foxxy. Her eyebrows raised, she then turns back to Xandir.) What? (He realizes and sighs) Oh, not again!

Xandir: (in confessional) So against my will, I went to the Jew Producer’s office and took one for the team. By the time I was done pleasuring him for three hours, I had a promise from the producer that our turkey would be on its way that afternoon.

Cut to the front of the house. The housemates are gathered outside waiting for their turkey to arrive.

Wooldoor: I’m so excited we’re going to get a turkey after all! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Xandir notices that Clara is still staring at him.

Xandir: (annoyed) What is it, Clara?

Clara: Okay, Xandir, I know I told you you could keep wearing my dress, but… why in God’s name do you still have the wig on? Why does EVERYONE in this house seem to want my hair? (She glares at Toot.)

Toot: Are you still hung up on that? I told you Clara, I’m sorry Foxxy’s creepy grandson fell in love with me and ripped off your scalp and gave it to me and then later killed you and hung you from the towel hook in the bathroom. I promise it won’t happen again!

Clara: He could have used a wig like the one Xandir has! He didn’t have to tear off the top of my head! And just for the record, Spanky, yes, my brain may have been exposed, but that still didn’t give you an excuse to go around saying, “Hey, Clara, I can see what you’re thinking!”

Toot: So how’d he do it, anyway?

Clara: Who?

Toot: Ray-Ray. How’d he kill you? We never did see.

Clara: Oh, he showed me something so vile and so alarming, my system couldn’t handle the shock and I died of a heart attack on the spot.

Wooldoor: What was it?

Clara: A press release from Comedy Central announcing Freak Show had been picked up for a second season. (The housemates are aghast.)

Spanky: Wow! Remind me never to piss off Ray-Ray! (Xandir notices Hero is staring at him.)

Xandir: (sighs) Go ahead, Captain Hero. I know what you're thinking. Just go ahead and hit on me and get it over with.

Hero: Xandir, I wasn't going to hit on you at all. While I admit you pull off that dress and hair quite nicely, my attraction to you in that state is only because of your resemblance to Princess Clara. (He looks at Clara.) And I'm afraid there's just no substitute for the real thing.

Clara: Why, thank you, Captain Hero! That's very sweet of you!

Hero: So does this mean-

Clara: NO!

Wooldoor begins pointing toward the street.

Wooldoor: Look, you guys! I think our turkey's here! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Just at that moment, a UPS truck pulls up in front of the house.

Clara: (panics) Aggghh! UPS! Get thee away from me, Satan! (She hides behind some of the other housemates. The driver gets out of the truck and walks up to Foxxy.)

UPS Man: Got a delivery here for the Drawn Together house.

Foxxy: I'll sign for it, thanks! (She signs. As Clara continues to cower, the man walks to the truck, gets out a large wooden crate, and sets it down in front of the housemates.)

UPS Man: Here you go! I'll see you guys later! (As the man walks back to his truck and drives off, the housemates gather around the crate.)

Xandir: Ooh, what is it, what is it?

Spanky: (looking at Xandir askew) Hopefully it's your brain.

Foxxy by now is opening the crate with a crowbar.

Clara: Hold on just a minute, Foxxy. Where did you get a crowbar?

Foxxy: I always keep one behind the bushes outside the front door so we can protect ourselves in case someone ever breaks into our house again!

Xandir: I admit I'm not an expert at this sort of thing, but if the intention is to protect us from people who break IN... shouldn't we be keeping it INSIDE the house with us?

Foxxy: Are you crazy, Xandir? You ain't supposed to be keeping a dangerous weapon like that in the house! Someone might get hurt!

Clara: You mean, like a child?

Foxxy: Right. Or Captain Hero.

Toot: Come on, come on, enough blabbering! Just open the box already!

Xandir: You realize we can't eat the bird right away, Toot. It'll be frozen.

Hero: And trust me, frozen turkeys do NOT taste just like giant turkey flavored popsicles!

Foxxy: (finishes work on the crate and puts down the crowbar) Got it, y'all! (She stands up and places a hand on the crate.) Everyone, behold- our Thanksgiving turkey!

She opens the lid. With eyes wide open, the housemates view the crate's contents. It is a live turkey. They look at each other, not quite knowing what to say.

Toot: It doesn't LOOK frozen!

Foxxy: Y’all, there must have been some kind of mixup. Surely he didn’t mean to send us a live turkey! (suddenly notices something) Hey, what’s that piece of paper on the ground?

Xandir: (kneeling to pick it up) It must have fallen out of the box. (reads) “Dear housemates. Here is the live turkey that I meant to send you. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. Signed, the Jew Producer.” (Everyone is exasperated.)

Clara: Of all the dirty tricks! So we don’t get a turkey for dinner after all!

Spanky: Says who? We’ve got a turkey right here! We’ll just have to prepare it from scratch, that’s all!

Xandir: I can’t believe you, Spanky? You would honestly kill a turkey?

Spanky: What’s the matter, Xandir, you afraid of getting blood on your hands?

Toot: I’m not! (grabs the crowbar from Foxxy) Here, Foxxy, give me that crowbar! It’s dinnertime!

Foxxy: (grabs Toot) Now hold up there, Toot! Before anyone goes killing anything, I think you need to take a look at something.

Toot: What?

Foxxy points to the turkey. Wooldoor is kneeling in front of it happily.

Wooldoor: Awwww, look, everyone, it’s our new pet turkey! I’m going to call him Whiskers!

Spanky: Aw, geez, Wooldoor’s made friends with the turkey. Who didn’t see that coming a mile away?

Toot: Wooldoor, are you sure this is a good idea?

Wooldoor: What do you mean?

Toot: I mean, you don’t want to get too attached to the turkey, now, do you? Especially considering we’re going to have to kill him.

Wooldoor: (alarmed) What??? You’re going to kill Whiskers? No!!! (gives Toot an extremely angry glare) You’re killing Whiskers over my dead body!

Spanky: Don’t tempt her, Wooldoor. She’ll do it!

Toot: That turkey is our dinner, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: Whiskers is our pet!

Hero: Wooldoor, that turkey was a present to all of us. I think it’s up to the group to decide what to do with the turkey, and the group thinks it should be dinner!

Xandir: Speak for yourself, Hero! I don’t recall taking a vote yet!

Spanky: Well, unless that’s a walking, breathing tofurkey with feathers, Spanky’s eating it!

Xandir: You people are such carnivores! Don’t you get it? This is a sign you shouldn’t be eating live animals!

Hero: Okay, so Wooldoor and the hippie are against killing the bird, but by my count that’s only two people!

Clara: Three.

Toot: Three? What the hell? Clara, you mean to tell me- oh, right. That stupid animal rights thing again.

Clara: I don’t see what’s stupid about not wanting to harm any of God’s creatures.

Toot: Doesn’t seem to bother you when we go get burgers. You know those are made from dead cows, right?

Clara: That’s different. All those cows died of natural causes. (The others look at Clara in disbelief.) My father told me! (They roll their eyes.) But this- this would be murder! I’m sorry, but I can’t be a party to murder.

Toot: So who says you have to be? We’ll be more than happy to leave you out of it.

Clara: Forget it, Toot. You’re not killing that turkey on my watch.

Foxxy: All right, you guys, that’s enough. Looks like we’re going to have to put this matter to an official vote!

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut to the living room. Spanky and Foxxy sit at a table while the others sit in chairs facing them.

Spanky: All right, everyone, I have the results of the vote. Two people think we should have a steel cage match, one person says cockfight, and five people think we should decide the matter by putting it to a vote. The official winner of the vote to decide how to decide what to do is… voting. We’ll have the vote tomorrow. I’d officially like to thank you all for attending today’s vote. There’s cupcakes and punch in the kitchen. (They file out.)

Foxxy: (in confessional) So it was decided. We was gonna vote about it. That should have been the first sign of danger right there.

Cut to the guys’ bedroom. Wooldoor sleeps soundly, cuddling Whiskers like a teddy bear.

Xandir: Oh, would you just look at how adorable that is? Tell me, how can anyone see that and still want to eat him?

Hero: I would never eat Wooldoor, Xandir. Tasty as I’m sure he is, he’s still our friend.

Xandir: I meant the bird, Hero!

Hero: Oh.

Meanwhile, outside the door, two short figures clad completely in black sneak up to the doorway.

Spanky: Okay, Toot, you know what to do?

Toot: You bet, Spanky! You cause a distraction, I sneak in and steal the bird, then while you’re downstairs looking at porn, I cook it and eat it!

Spanky: No… we eat the bird together. *Then* I look at porn.

Toot: Fine. (getting excited) This is fun, Spanky! I’ve never been a ninja before!

Spanky: You know what’s even more fun than ninjaing? NAKED ninjaing!

Toot: Naked ninjaing? What the hell are you talking about?

Spanky: It’s like regular ninjaing, only without clothes on.

Toot: What would the point of that be? I thought being a ninja was all about stealth. How are we supposed to be stealthy with our clothes off?

Spanky: Just hear me out. Now, we’re on a reality show, right? And you know what happens whenever someone is naked on TV, right? They get pixilated and you can’t see anything! It's the perfect cover!

Toot: How about we try it with clothes first, and then we discuss it?

Spanky: Well… okay. By the way, have you given any more thought to my suggestion that you let me paint you green and call you Gumby?

Toot: No way in hell, Spanky! (He looks mildly disappointed.) But um… if Marty and I ever break up… ask me again. (Spanky nods.)

Spanky: Okay, you ready?

Toot: Ready!

Spanky: Let’s go!

As Spanky and Toot infiltrate Wooldoor’s room, Clara and Ling-Ling walk past the door. They come to the stairs and sit down.

Clara: Ling-Ling? I need to speak with you a moment.

Ling-Ling: What is it, Carla?

Clara: It’s about the vote tomorrow. Ling-Ling, I know you would do anything to please me, but I also know you’ve still got the heart of a warrior. So please don’t feel like you need to support my side just because of our relationship. I want to you vote like you honestly feel, okay? Whatever happens in the vote, I’ll get over it, okay?

Ling-Ling: Thank you, Carla. That mean a lot to Ling-Ling.

Clara: So do you know how you’re going to vote?

Ling-Ling (sighs) No. Ling-Ling want to please Carla, but he also make promise to father he kill turkey one day if he get the chance. Father once battle turkey and lose, tell Ling-Ling to avenge him. But then, Father also tell Ling-Ling to avenge him that time postman deliver mail late, so Ling-Ling not sure.

Clara: It sounds like maybe your father is trying to live his vengeance fantasies vicariously through you. Have you ever considered-

Just at that moment, their conversation is interrupted by a loud high-pitched wail. Toot runs past them screaming and carrying the turkey. Spanky follows right on her heels.

Spanky: Dammit, Toot, I told you no screaming! We’re supposed to be stealthy!

Toot runs into the kitchen and immediately flings open the oven. She rears back to throw the turkey in, but as she is about to do so, a hand reaches from inside the oven and grabs her arm. Toot screams.

Toot: EEK! That last thing I tried to cook must not have been dead after all! (Xandir climbs out of the oven.) Oh, never mind, it’s just Xandir.

Xandir: I knew you’d try something like this, Toot. That’s why when I saw you trying to steal the turkey, I ran downstairs real quick and hid in the oven.

Toot: But if you saw us, wouldn’t it have been easier to just go ahead and stop us then?

Xandir: Quit confusing the issue! Anyway, your birdnapping days are over! (He reaches for a whistle around his neck and blows it.) Backup! (Clara emerges in the kitchen.)

Clara: I should have known you’d try something like this, Toot. For shame!

Toot: It was his idea! (She points to Spanky.)

Spanky: Hey, I’ve got nothing to do with this! I’m not involved in any underhanded scheme Toot might be undertaking at all!

Clara: Is that why you’re both dressed as ninjas?

Spanky: We’re role-playing.

Xandir: As what?

Spanky: Um… um…. As ninjas trying to steal a turkey.

Xandir: I thought so.

Clara: Spanky, can’t you at least wait and see how the votes come out before you resort to crazy stunts? I mean, depending on how the votes go, you could- (She breaks off and begins looking at Xandir.) Dammit, Xandir, what the hell did you do to my dress? You’ve gotten it all filthy! And now you’re wearing my pumps, too? Look, you’ve totally gotten the heels all scuffed!

Xandir: So? I didn’t think you wore these shoes anymore because they hurt your feet.

Clara: I don’t, Xandir, but… still… I’m a girl, I’m very protective of my wardrobe! You know how it is!

Xandir: Yeah, you’re right, Clara. I do know how it is. I’m sorry.

Clara: (to Spanky) So how did you get the turkey without waking up Wooldoor?

Spanky: I keep telling you- we’re stealthy!

Cut to Wooldoor’s room moments earlier. Toot removes the turkey from Wooldoor’s grasp. As she and Spanky are leaving, Wooldoor wakes up.

Wooldoor: Hey, Toot! Hey, Spanky! You guys playing ninja?

Toot: Yeah.

Wooldoor: How come you’re taking Whiskers away?

Toot: We want him to play ninja with us. We’re taking him to get fitted for his ninja outfit.

Wooldoor: Ooh, I wanna play ninja! I’ll go get my costume on! (Wooldoor dashes off. Toot and Spanky stare at each other in confusion. Wooldoor returns, completely nude.) I like to naked ninja myself!

Spanky and Toot look at each other for a moment. Spanky nods. Toot performs a karate kick to Wooldoor’s head and knocks him unconscious.

Toot: Now, Spanky! Run!!! (Screaming, she runs out. The scene cuts back to the present. Clara and Xandir fix Toot and Spanky with disapproving glances as the scene fades.)

Foxxy: (in confessional) So the vote was held, and everyone cast their ballots. But somehow the Foxxy got the impression people wasn’t taking it seriously.

Foxxy sits at a table with the ballot box in front of her. The other housemates sit facing her.

Foxxy: Okay, y’all, it’s time to look at the votes. (She begins pulling ballots out of the box.) One vote to kill the turkey. (Spanky and Hero cheer. Foxxy pulls out another ballot.) One vote to save the turkey. (Wooldoor, Clara, and Xandir cheer. Foxxy pulls out another ballot.) One vote for… (She looks at it in confusion.) Richard Nixon. (Spanky snickers. Foxxy pulls out another ballot.) One vote to- (She crumples up the paper in annoyance.) Okay, Toot, we ain’t having none of this!

Toot: None of what?

Foxxy: You voting twice! Now I know both of the “kill the turkey” votes we've had so far came from you. My God, Toot, do you have to write “Hee hee hee Toot!” at the bottom of EVERYTHING?

Toot: It’s okay, Foxxy. I’m from Chicago. We’re allowed to vote twice.

Xandir: I thought you were from Brooklyn.

Toot: Oh, so this show has continuity now all of a sudden?

Foxxy: Moving along… now someone, in lieu of voting, drew a picture of a guy about to give birth. What the hell is that supposed to be?

Xandir: Why, Foxxy- haven’t you ever heard of a pregnant Chad?

Everyone groans. Foxxy shrugs. She reaches into the box and pulls out an origami swan.

Hero: Gee, I wonder whose vote THAT could be!

Foxxy: Well, let’s see what it says!

Ling-Ling: No! You ruin work of art!

Foxxy: But, Ling-Ling, we have to know how you voted! (She starts to unfold it, but Ling-Ling stops her again.)

Ling-Ling: No, Foxxy. Wait… don’t bother opening it. Nothing written on it anyway.

Clara: Ling-Ling… you didn’t vote?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling torn. It hurt him to go against wife, but he also have duty to father. Ling-Ling not know what to do.

Clara: I didn’t realize it would be this difficult for you. Tell you what, Ling-Ling. Why don’t you just not vote?

Foxxy: He can’t do that, Clara! We is living in a democracy! Everyone has to vote! I’m sorry, Ling-Ling, but unless you can give us a good reason not to, we is gonna make you vote.

Ling-Ling and Clara begin whispering to each other. Clara turns to Foxxy.

Clara: Ling-Ling’s from Florida.

Foxxy: (to Ling-Ling) Okay, you’re not allowed to vote. (As Ling-Ling raises his arms in triumph, Foxxy pulls the next ballot out of the box.) And judging by the symbol this has been embossed with, this would appear to be Captain Hero’s ballot. God, people, does no one around here understand what the phrase "secret ballot" means? (She looks at the paper, then becomes slightly confused.) Why, Captain Hero- you voted to save the turkey?

Hero: No! I mean, I might have. I was trying to vote to kill it, but I got all confused. The ballots were misleading! I didn't understand who I was voting for!

Foxxy: The ballots were blank pieces of paper. All you had to do was write “kill” or “save” on them. How could you possibly be confused by that? (becomes exasperated) Never mind. Okay, y’all, forget the ballots, we’re just gonna do this the easy way. Would everyone who wants the turkey to live, please hold up your hand. (Clara, Wooldoor, and Xandir hold their hands up.) Okay, that’s four.

Toot: Three, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Right, three. Now would all those who want the turkey to die, please hold up your hands. (Toot, Spanky, and Hero raise their hands.) All right, the vote is tied at four.

Xandir: Three.

Foxxy: Right, three. Since Ling-Ling’s not voting, that means it looks like we have a tie. So I guess we’s is gonna have to come up with some other way to settle this.

Hero: Steel cage match!

Spanky: Cockfight!

Toot: Turkey eating competition!

Foxxy: Quiet, you guys! Now I propose we have a conference amongst ourselves to determine-

Clara: Um, Foxxy? I have a simpler way to decide things. There’s still one person here who hasn’t voted yet. We can just get them to cast the tiebreaking vote.

Spanky: Nuh uh! We’re not letting any damn Floridians mess up THIS election!

Clara: I was talking about Foxxy. (Everyone turns and looks at Foxxy, who is very worried.) Foxxy still has to vote.

Xandir: So what do you say, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Sorry, y’all, but the Foxxy is gonna have to abstain!

Toot: I bet that’s the first time those words have ever been uttered!

Clara: You have to vote, Foxxy! Don’t you remember what you said earlier?

The clip of Foxxy from earlier in the episode plays.

Foxxy: We is living in a democracy! Everyone has to vote! (Cut back to the present.)

Foxxy: Damn. I keep forgetting you guys have video footage of everything.

Xandir: You don’t have to decide right away, Foxxy. You can think on it a while and then let us know what you decide.

Foxxy: Thanks, Xandir.

Toot: I guess we can wait until tomorrow to have our delicious turkey dinner.

Clara: Don’t listen to what Toot says, Foxxy. You take your time and you think about this.

Foxxy: Just give me some time alone to think about it, okay? I can’t deal with this right now. (She walks off.)

Foxxy: (in confessional) I shoulda known it! I shoulda known those bastards would leave this whole mess right in Foxxy’s lap! Just like the time we were all on that ark.

Cut to the group on an ark with a large herd of animals.

Foxxy: Okay, ya’ll, it took a while, but we finally got two of every animal on board. I think we’s prepared to ride out the storm in style. Now who’s got the food for all the animals?

Wooldoor: (very worried) Food?

Foxxy: Oh, don’t tell me you forgot to bring the food, Wooldoor! Now what we gonna do?

(Spanky pulls up in a motorboat.)

Spanky: Hey, everyone, you want to ditch this floating menagerie and ride out the storm in my motorboat?

Everyone except Foxxy cheerfully runs and hops on Spanky’s motorboat. As it speeds off, Foxxy stands looking after it very irritated. She then feels something on her legs. She looks down. It is a hungry kitten meowing and begging her for something to eat. And empty food dish with the name “Mittens” can be seen behind the kitten. Foxxy then feels something on her arm. It is a very hungry lion licking her. As many other animals assemble around her, Foxxy becomes very annoyed.

Foxxy: Goddammit.

Cut back to the present.

Foxxy sits on the steps thinking. Toot walks up to her.

Toot: Hey, Foxxy, what’s going on?

Foxxy: Not much, Toot. Just trying to come to a decision.

Toot: Foxxy, I don’t want this to be a factor in your decision, but I just wanted to let you know that (she begins sobbing) I’m very sick, Foxxy. I have a severe turkey deficiency, and the doctors say if I don’t get some turkey in the next couple of days, I could die! Now you wouldn’t want me to die, would you? (She begins weeping very dramatically.)

Foxxy: I gotta admit, it’s a temptation!

Clara: Stop it right there, Toot! I will not have you trying to sway Foxxy with your cheap propaganda! Foxxy needs to come to this decision on her own.

Foxxy: Thank you, Clara.

Clara: Now scooch over, Toot, so *I* can brainwash her!

Foxxy: (sarcastically) Thanks, Clara.

Clara: Foxxy, look, I know this is a difficult decision for you. You’ve always been there for us when we’ve needed advice, so I just want you to know we’re there for you, too. So, Foxxy, if you want to talk to any of us about this issue, we’ll be glad to help. And we’ll try our best not to let our personal feelings cloud the issue.

Toot: We will?

Foxxy: Actually, there is one person in this house I’d like to talk to about this. Clara?

Clara: (eager) Yes?

Foxxy: Where’s your husband? (Clara is annoyed.)

Cut to Ling-Ling’s room. Foxxy enters.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ling-Ling: Come in. Carla tell Ling-Ling you want to see him. (Foxxy walks over and sits down on the bed with Ling-Ling.)

Foxxy: That’s right, Ling-Ling. Since you’re the closest thing in this house to an impartial party, you’re probably the only one I can be honest with.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not know much help he can be. He not know how to handle issue himself. He not really in position to tell chocolate animal woman how to.

Foxxy: I know, Ling-Ling, but I might as well try. Now, Ling-Ling, I know you abstained from voting because of your mixed loyalties. But what about if we do this? You tell me who you REALLY want to vote for in your heart, and I’ll vote for that side. That way your side wins, and the pressure’s all off you.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling honored you would do that for him. But he cannot let you do it. Only Ling-Ling should be answerable to what Ling-Ling does.

Foxxy: I guess we’re stuck, then. To be honest, Ling-Ling, I thought you might have some words of Oriental wisdom for me to guide me through this.

Ling-Ling: Actually- (He goes to his dresser and opens a drawer and pulls something out. He returns to the bed and sets it down in front of Foxxy.)

Foxxy: A fortune cookie! Of course! Let’s see what it says! (Foxxy breaks open the cookie and pulls out the fortune.) “Do not worry yourself over difficult decisions. Put your worries behind you and relax. 7 18 25 32 34 37.” (She throws the fortune down angrily.) Well, that wasn’t no help at all! Except for those lottery numbers… Foxxy thinking she might go play them tomorrow just in case.

Ling-Ling: So what do we do?

Foxxy: You know what, Ling-Ling? I’m going to vote to save the turkey. It’s what your wife wants, and even though you won’t say, I know that deep down in your heart, it’s what you want too. (Ling-Ling looks confused.) Isn’t it?

Ling-Ling: Actually… Ling-Ling kind of hoping for chance to battle turkey.

Foxxy: Battle the turkey?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling fight chickens in Mexico once. Greatest thrill he experience as a warrior. But he feel bad because chickens weak opponents, not seem fair. Now turkey… he much bigger bird. He be truly worthy opponent. Next best thing to battling Toot.

Foxxy: You know what, Ling-Ling? You’ve given me a great idea!

The scene changes to the following day. The housemates are outside in the yard. Prepping himself for battle, Ling-Ling stands several yards away from the crate containing the turkey. The remaining housemates stand off to the side watching.

Clara: So what’s going on here again?

Foxxy: Ling-Ling is going to challenge the turkey to a battle. But right when he starts to kill it, everyone will see how pathetic the poor turkey is, and they’ll have a change of heart and beg Ling-Ling to save its life. Then you guys win and the others don’t feel bad. Well, except maybe Toot. (calls to Ling-Ling) You ready, Ling-Ling? (He nods. Foxxy turns to Spanky.) Okay, Spanky- let the turkey loose!

Wooldoor: Oh, my God, I can’t look! (As he covers his eyes, the camera pans to reveal Toot seated beside him in a lawn chair eating popcorn.)

Spanky opens the crate. The turkey ambles out peacefully. Ling-Ling goes into battle mode. He rises into the air and forms a giant energy ball. However, while Ling-Ling is in the air, something happens down on the ground. The turkey suddenly stops its aimless waddling. He gets a fierce look in his eye, and begins to glare at Ling-Ling. Just as Ling-Ling’s energy ball hits him, Whiskers pulls his wing in front of him and blocks the ball. He then fixes Ling-Ling with a stare and shoots laser beams out his eyes at Ling-Ling. Astonished, Ling-Ling moves quickly to dodge the lasers.

Xandir: Oh, give me a break! A turkey with battle powers?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling underestimate you, turkey. You good. But Ling-Ling still better.

He begins forming one small energy ball after the other and hurls them toward Whiskers at breakneck speed. Whiskers manages to leap out of the way of all of them. As Ling-Ling shoots one last ball, Whiskers lifts his tail and catches the blast, absorbing it into his system. The turkey then begins emitting tiny electrical blasts from his body. He forms his own energy ball between his wings and hurls it at Ling-Ling. The ball catches Ling-Ling squarely and immobilizes him.

Clara: And he can synthesize energy too? This is ridiculous!

Whiskers moves in toward Ling-Ling. He shoots electrical waves out of his wings, piercing the ball and slowly electrocuting Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling goes into convulsions.

Clara: Stop!!! That’s enough! Please, someone stop this fight!

She starts to run in between Whiskers and Ling-Ling, but he shoots a laser beam at her leg, knocking her down. Xandir runs up behind Whiskers and tackles him, but Whiskers quickly kicks his foot behind him, knocking Xandir to the ground. As Xandir falls, Whiskers’s claw accidentally tears a small hole in the dress he is wearing.

Clara: My dress! Oh, no, it’s torn!

Spanky: Captain Hero, can’t you do something? Don’t you have some super power that you can use here?

Hero: You’re right, Spanky! I’ll use my powers of mind reading! (reads) The turkey wants to kill us all!

Whiskers rises into the air and begins shooting fireballs at the group. Everyone runs for cover except Toot, who continues to sit in her lawnchair munching popcorn. The group huddle together in a panic. Whiskers turns toward them.

Whiskers: Gobble gobble gobble. (His subtitles read, “Now it’s time to finish you weaklings off!”)

Whiskers grows spikes on his body and hurls himself at the housemates. However, just as he reaches them, he suddenly hits a force field and falls back.

Foxxy: Now where the hell did that force field come from?

Toot: Me! I can do that, remember? It’s a natural defense mechanism that kicks in anytime someone gets too close to my food.

Spanky: Look out, he’s coming back! Toot, put up another force field!

Whiskers stares down the group again to attack. Toot reaches into her bag of popcorn and withdraws her hand in horror.

Toot: Oh, no! I’m out of popcorn! Without food, I don’t have any way to make a force field!

Foxxy: Oh, no! We’s is done for, y’all!

With a fiery look in his eyes, Whiskers rises in the air. His body begins to glow and pulse as he builds up energy. Just as he reaches breaking point, he is suddenly hit by a bolt of lightning from behind. He collapses to the ground in a daze.

Ling-Ling: (walking up behind him) Ling-Ling tell you, turkey! You good- but Ling-Ling still better! (He turns to the housemates.) You no need to worry anymore. Whiskers dead now. Ling-Ling kill him. (Clara runs to Ling-Ling and picks him up.)

Clara: (hugging Ling-Ling) Oh, my darling Ling-Ling, you’re okay!

Ling-Ling: Genetic mutant battle turkey not so tough. Ling-Ling had more difficult fight against UPS man.

The group gather around the fallen turkey. Wooldoor walks around in front and kneels in front of Whiskers. He looks directly in Whiskers’s eyes. The group look at each other worriedly, not sure how Wooldoor is going to react.

Wooldoor: (sternly) BAD Whiskers! Bad! (He smacks the bird, then looks at the others calmly.) I don’t think we should let Whiskers be our pet anymore.

Spanky: So. I guess this settles that issue!

Clara: Uh huh.

Spanky: Look, you guys. I think maybe we overreacted here. It’s easy to be callous to animals when you only think of them as food, but you have to remember they’re living, breathing creatures with feelings, the same as us.

Clara: And I guess I should have remembered that it’s all well and good to fight for animal rights, but there are times you need to look out for your own species first.

Xandir: And I learned that being a vegetarian is great for some, but ultimately everyone’s diet is their own choice, and we all need to learn to respect everyone’s right to choose for himself.

Wooldoor: And I learned not to treat every animal I encounter as a pet. (looks down at ground) Ooh, a caterpillar! (He picks up the caterpillar and begins petting it.)

Ling-Ling: And Ling-Ling learn you shouldn’t try to avoid making decision just because it difficult. You should say how you feel and accept consequences.

Foxxy: Amen to that! (turns to Toot) And what about you, Toot? What have you learned?

Toot: I’ve learned to always have popcorn handy! (Everyone laughs. Hero walks up behind the group.)

Hero: And I think that I’ve finally learned the true meaning of Thanksgiving!

Spanky: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Hero: Um… I don’t know. Doesn’t someone always learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving in these cheesy specials?

Xandir: Yeah.

Wooldoor: So what’s the true meaning of Thanksgiving, then? Doesn’t anyone know? (The housemates all look at each other in confusion.) Never mind. Let’s just eat then!

Toot: Yeah!!!

As Foxxy drags the turkey behind her, the group, excited, files back into the house. The camera slowly pans out and the scene fades.


THE END