Post by Raymond-Raymond on Feb 17, 2007 16:40:15 GMT -5
DRAWN APART
Part 1
The scene opens on a long shot of the house. It cuts to the bathroom where Toot and Xandir stand over a scale.
Toot: Ha! I told you I’m not fat!
Xandir: Well, maybe not according to the "Hoffner Medical Index"-
Toot: Which is a REAL thing, even though it sounds like I just made it up. Which I didn’t. And besides, if you still don’t believe I'm not fat, I can prove it even further.
Xandir: How?
Toot: Well… I have a boyfriend now. Isn’t that proof enough?
Xandir: You know, Toot, there are SOME guys who can look past a woman’s weight and choose to be with them on the basis of personality. In fact, I don’t mind saying if I wasn’t gay and you weren’t a complete psycho, I might even consider dating you myself.
Toot: (flirtatiously) Reeeeeeally?
Xandir: Toot, every time you flirt with me somehow makes me even more gay than before. (Toot is annoyed.) Toot, all I’m saying is you have a great personality, possible mental illness aside. And there might be SOME guys out there who consider you attractive.
Toot: (glaring at him) I’m glad you ARE gay, Xandir. I’m really relieved you’re not in our dating pool.
Xandir: I’m sorry, Toot. I don’t really know how to talk to girls. You guys are so sensitive.
Toot: WE’RE sensitive? Xandir, you cry while watching Deal or No Deal!
Xandir: Hey, the guy was two cases away from the million dollars and he blew it by picking the wrong case! (tearfully) That’s very sad to me!
Toot: Be that as it may.
Foxxy: (from outside the door) Quit stealing my catchphrase, Toot!
Toot: Sorry. Well, look, Xandir, if you’re so hung up on having a perfect body, why don’t YOU hop on the scale and let’s see how much YOU weigh!
Xandir: I’d be glad to! Everyone knows my body is the pinnacle of healthfulness! (He gets on the scale and immediately begins to panic.)
Toot: Oh, my God, Xandir! You do seem to be quite the chubby! Damn, I wish I could remember all those fat jokes you made about me so I could use them against YOU!
Xandir: You know what it is? I bet it’s this armor that’s weighing me down. (He begins taking off his armor.)
Toot: Yeah, that armor’s gotta be at least 15 pounds, easy.
Xandir: (finishes removing his armor and his boots) Okay, now for my REAL weight! (He steps back on the scale. Immediately he freaks out.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God!
Toot: (looking at scale) I knew it! For the first time since we’ve been in this house… you weigh more than I do! (Clara walks in.)
Xandir: That’s silly, Toot. Obviously this scale is broken.
Clara: Here, I’ll see. (She steps on the scale.) Nope! 120 and holding steady. (to Xandir) You know, I haven’t gained or lost a pound since I’ve been in this house. Weird, isn’t it? I guess some people’s bodies are just like that. (She walks out. Xandir seethes.)
Toot: You know, I used to have dreams at night that I’d wake up one day and Clara would be horribly fat. But you know, I think this is more fun! (Xandir glares at her. Toot smiles casually.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a large building in the city. There is a sign on the building that reads “Mojo Dojo”. The scene cuts to the interior where we see a karate class in progress. Among the students is Clara.
Clara: (in confessional) As much as I appreciated my husband Ling-Ling always protecting me, I was beginning to feel kind of helpless. And lately things had been even worse than usual.
A montage begins to play. First, we see Clara entering a cave and suddenly being attacked by a horrible gigantic monster. Ling-Ling swoops in and kills the monster. Clara hugs him appreciatively. Next, we see Clara entering the bathroom and being confronted with a roomful of vicious-looking gremlins. She shrieks. Ling-Ling enters and kills them all with one mighty burst of energy. Clara hugs him appreciatively. Finally, the scene changes to Clara at a store counter arguing with a cashier.
Clara: I know for a fact I gave you a twenty, and you only gave me back change for a ten!
Cashier: Look, lady, if you don’t step aside, I’m gonna have to get the manager!
Ling-Ling suddenly swoops in and hurls an energy ball at the clerk, knocking him on his back.
Ling-Ling: That teach you to threaten Ling-Ling’s woman! (A gentleman in a suit rushes out to confront the pair.)
Manager: Excuse me, I’m the manager. Is there a problem here? (Ling-Ling rises in the air and begins forming another energy ball to hurl at the manager. Clara buries her face in her hands in exasperation.)
Clara: (in confessional) So I decided to take some self-defense classes. Since I’m already an expert with a firearm, I figured if I could learn to fight with my hands and feet too, I’d be more than able to protect myself no matter what the situation. I’m expecting to receive my ass kicking license any day now.
Cut back to class. The karate instructor has set up a tall stack of boards.
Instructor: Now then, class. Does anyone know how to break these boards? (Clara eagerly sticks up her hand.)
Clara: I do!
Instructor: Then step forward and show us, Clara.
As the instructor opens a closet, Clara approaches the boards. With a mighty yell, she lifts her foot up and brings it crashing down on the boards, breaking them all in half. As the other students look on in amazement, Clara stands looking pleased with herself.
Clara: Would you look at that! Didn’t even mess up my pedicure! I knew it wouldn’t be dumb to get one before class.
Instructor: Um, Clara? (She turns.) I was going to suggest using this! (He pulls out an axe. Clara shrugs.)
Xandir: (in confessional) I was determined to get back into shape at any cost. I tried the weights and the treadmill, but none of them seemed to give me the workout I need. Finally, I decided to ask one of my housemates if I could borrow HIS training facility.
Cut to an unidentified location in the Drawn Together house. Xandir walks up to a door marked “Ling-Ling’s Exercise Room”. He opens the door and enters. There we see Ling-Ling running inside a giant hamster wheel. Xandir approaches him.
Xandir: Oh, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling sees Xandir standing to the side. He stops running and gets out of the wheel. He holds up a finger to Xandir instructing him to wait just a moment. Ling-Ling then walks over to a large upside down water bottle. Grasping the spout with his tiny hands, he drinks for a minute. Then he walks over to Xandir.
Ling-Ling: That good workout today. Ling-Ling always stay in tip top shape. Even if figure not show it. How can Ling-Ling help Xandir today?
Xandir: Ling-Ling, I need to drop several pounds in a hurry. Is it okay if I use your facilities?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so. Besides, it time for Carla to be getting back from class, Ling-Ling spend time with her instead. Xandir have nice figure but still not as nice as Carla. (He walks out. Xandir is close to tears. He holds his hand in front of his face.)
Xandir: Strong, Xandir! Strong, Xandir! It’s okay, Xandir. Clara is Ling-Ling’s wife. Of course he’s going to be biased toward her. (becomes depressed) Oh, who am I kidding?
Ling-Ling walks into the living room. The other housemates minus Clara and Xandir are watching TV.
TV Announcer: And we now return you to Terms of Endearment, starring the Care Bears.
Funshine Bear: I can’t believe you got cancer, Love-a-Lot Bear! This is so sad!
Love-a-Lot Bear: Thank you for caring, Funshine Bear! I’m going to need you to care now more than ever!
Grumpy Bear: I hate cancer!
Funshine Bear: Love-a-Lot Bear needs you to care too, Grumpy Bear! With love and caring, we can drive away that mean old cancer!
Cut back to the housemates. Hero is crying.
Hero: Why did Love-a-Lot Bear have to get cancer, Foxxy? Why? Why? (He begins crying on her shoulder.)
Foxxy: There, there, Captain Hero, it’s okay. We all get cancer sometimes.
Spanky: Guys? Do we have to go through this EVERY time we watch this movie?
Ling-Ling: Hey, did anyone hear from Carla yet? Should be getting home from class about now.
Spanky: Oh, Clara called a few minutes ago to give you a message. She said she’s going to be about half an hour late.
Ling-Ling: Oh, okay. In that case, Ling-Ling use extra time to go make her some cookies. (He exits to the kitchen. Hero looks at Foxxy.)
Hero: That’s really sweet of Ling-Ling to bake his love cookies like that. I wish my girlfriend would make ME cookies.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, you really want the Foxxy trying to cook stuff? Remember that time I tried to make popcorn in the microwave?
Cut to the housemates standing in the yard. They are looking at the burned-out space where their house used to be.
Foxxy: Sorry, guys. I thought for sure I knew what I was doing this time.
Spanky: (sighs) Wooldoor? Call the producer and tell him we broke the house again. (Wooldoor gets out a cell phone and dials.)
Cut back to the present. The housemates resume watching TV but are suddenly interrupted by a tremendous shaking.
Hero: Oh my God, what’s that?
Wooldoor: That’s probably the custom designed earthquake maker I ordered. The postman must have dropped the package. I’ll go check! (He opens the door. Clara is standing there.)
Clara: Hey, guys! I thought class was going to keep me over today, but the instructor threw his back out trying to swing an axe that was too heavy for him, so here I am!
Toot: Maybe it was Clara making the ground shake! Clara, have you gained weight?
Hero: Hey, everybody, there’s some kind of disturbance outside! Maybe we should investigate!
As Hero dives behind the couch, Foxxy, Clara, Toot, Spanky, and Wooldoor go outside. They are greeted with the sight of a giant beast lumbering toward them.
Spanky: Oh, no! It’s one of the Elderly Mutant Samurai Frogs! And he’s grown to giant size!
Wooldoor: Wow, they look a lot smaller on TV!
Foxxy: He’s coming to attack us!
Toot: Why do these things always have to randomly attack people? Shouldn’t we have done something first to incur its wrath?
Foxxy: Giant mutated monsters don’t have to have a reason to attack people, Toot. It’s inbred!
Wooldoor: Don’t you mean inborn?
Foxxy: Why, what’d I say?
(Clara assumes a karate stance.)
Clara: Stand back, everyone. I'll handle this!
As the monster reaches the group, the rest of them run and stand behind Clara. She kicks the monster in the shin. As the monster doubles over, she reaches her hand back to karate chop it. Just as she is in the middle of doing so, however, the monster is hit with a giant energy ball and falls flat on his back. A stunned Clara turns around to see Ling-Ling touching back down to earth.
Ling-Ling: That teach cheap ninja turtle knockoff to attack Carla!
As Clara continues to stand looking stunned, the other housemates walk up to Ling-Ling.
Spanky: Thanks for saving us, Ling-Ling!
Foxxy: How can we ever repay you?
Wooldooor: That was great, Ling-Ling! You’re the best!
Ling-Ling: (acting modest) Ling-Ling know.
Toot: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we go inside and celebrate Ling-Ling saving us yet again!
Wooldoor: I love celebrating! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The group walk back into the house. As they pass her, they comment to Clara.
Spanky: Wow, Clara, you sure handled it, all right!
Foxxy: Thanks for holding off that monster until Ling-Ling could defeat it for us, Clara.
Wooldoor: Wait. What did Clara do exactly? (They go back in the house, leaving Clara and Ling-Ling standing there. Clara simply stands and stares in complete shock.)
Clara: (in confessional) All these weeks I had been praying for a chance to prove I could protect the group, and no sooner had my chance arrived than it was taken right out from under my nose. And by my own husband, no less!
Ling-Ling: That narrow escape. Come on inside, Carla, Ling-Ling make cookies for you. You tell Ling-Ling all about what happened in class today.
Clara: What happened in class today? I’ll tell you what happened, I wasted my time and money even going, apparently! Ling-Ling- you weren’t supposed to save everyone from that monster!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry. He not realize you want to be killed.
Clara: Just go back inside, Ling-Ling. I’ll talk to you later.
Ling-Ling: (confused, but obedient) All right. (He turns. As he walks back through the door, he pauses briefly.) Did Ling-Ling do something wrong? (Clara does not answer. Ling-Ling exits, still confused. Clara stands fuming. Finally, Toot pokes her head out the door.)
Toot: Hey, Clara? You still want to be a hero? (Clara turns eagerly.) There’s a big spider scaring the hell out of Captain Hero. You can come kill it if you want! (Clara wrinkles her brow at Toot. Toot turns back toward the house for a minute.) What? (She turns back to Clara.) Never mind, Clara, Ling-Ling killed that too. I guess we don’t need you after all. Toodles! (Toot pops back in the house. As Clara hangs her head in exasperation, the scene fades.)
Cut to Xandir and Wooldoor in Wooldoor’s doctor’s office.
Xandir: You’ve got to help me get this weight off, Wooldoor. I’m getting desperate.
Wooldoor: What’s the matter, Xandir? Can’t fit into your prom dress anymore? (Xandir starts to cry.) I’m sorry, Xandir, I didn’t mean to bring that up again. I know that’s still a sensitive area for you.
Xandir: So are you going to help me or not?
Wooldoor: Absolutely Xandir. I’ve designed here a special diet for you. I call it the MIT diet.
Xandir: Oh, because it was created by scientists at MIT.
Wooldoor: No! Because it’s the diet I followed when I was a broke college student!
Xandir: You expect me to eat Ramen noodles every meal?
Wooldoor: Ramen noodles? What, did you think I was rich or something?
Xandir: Oh, God, this is going to be rough.
Wooldoor: Just be glad I’m not putting you on the supermodel diet!
Xandir: (puts his hand to his stomach in pain) Oh my God, I think the starvation’s already kicking in! I can already feel myself wasting away!
Wooldoor: Just keep doing that for four more years, or longer if you want to pursue graduate studies, and you’ll be trim in no time! (Xandir groans.)
Cut to Clara and Toot sitting on the couch watching TV. Each has a giant tub of ice cream in front of her which she is eating from.
TV Announcer: And we now return you to The Godfather, starring the Smurfs.
Sonny: You asked to see me, Godfather Smurf?
Godfather: Yes, Sonny Corleone Smurf. I understand Fredo Smurf is trying to smurf against the family. You know what I smurf, Sonny, the family smurf must be protected. So here’s what you do. You take that prize racing smurf of his and smurf its head off, then put it in his smurf next to his smurf.
Sonny: What if he doesn’t get the smurf, Godafather Smurf?
Godfather: Then a couple of my smurfs are going to have pay that little smurf a visit and smurf his little smurfs off!
Sonny: Ouch! That’s gotta smurf!
Clara: I’m glad to see all these cartoon stars are starting to branch off into more serious material.
Toot: Hey, they gotta make a living somehow! Doing the classics sure beats porn!
Clara: I bet if Spanky were here right now, he’d say porn WAS the classics!
Toot: I can’t deny that. That’s one pig who loves his porn. (Clara eats another scoop of ice cream.) So what’s going on, Clara? What’s got you in the mood to have a girls’ night all of a sudden? I figured you’d be doing something with Ling-Ling tonight.
Clara: I’m not really too happy with Ling-Ling right now.
Toot: Why not?
Clara: He knows what he did.
Toot: Yeah, but I don’t! Come on, let’s have the poop!
Clara: Ewwwwww! Just because YOU can go anywhere, Toot-
Toot: I mean, tell me what happened! Come on, I want some gossip!
Clara: Toot, ever since I’ve been in this house, people have thought of me as the spoiled rich girl who can’t do a damn thing for herself, and I was getting tired of it. And Ling-Ling, as much as I love him, wasn’t really helping matters any. The way he kept attacking every little thing that threatened me just made me feel more and more helpless. I figured if I took some karate classes, I could start defending myself, but Ling-Ling doesn’t seem to want to let me do that!
Toot: Why don’t you cut Ling-Ling a break, Clara? I mean, that monster was really huge and scary. Maybe he didn’t think you were ready to fight it by yourself.
Clara: Maybe. I guess I’ll go talk to him. I guess he’s had enough time to stew by now. (Xandir walks in, still feeling a sense of starvation.)
Xandir: Hey, Toot! Hey, Clara! What are you guys doing?
Toot: Eating ice cream and watching movies! What about you?
Xandir: Um… standing here talking to you.
Toot: Is it fun?
Xandir: Not especially. So… eating ice cream, huh? I bet it’s that lowfat soybean stuff, isn’t it?
Toot: Nope. It’s the good stuff. Loaded in fat. (Xandir perks up.)
Xandir: Is it? Is it now? (looks at Clara’s container) Why, Clara, you do seem to have polished off an entire container all by yourself! Of the fat kind!
Clara: I suppose I have.
Xandir: Hmm, very interesting. Um, Clara, I don’t suppose I could convince you to weigh yourself, could I?
Toot: Weigh herself? Xandir, she’s been doing nothing for the last two hours except eating ice cream and sitting on her ass!
Xandir: You don’t say! (to Clara) Oh, could you, Clara, could you?
Clara: Well, all right, Xandir, if you insist. (She gets up and starts to walk off but Xandir stops her.)
Xandir: You don’t need to go all the way upstairs, Clara, I have a scale right here. (He hands it to her.)
Clara: Okay. (She puts the scale down on the floor and steps on it. Immediately she begins panicking.) Oh, no! Oh, my God, this can’t be! My weight hasn’t changed since I’ve been in this house! (Xandir is barely able to contain his glee.)
Xandir: Oh, no, Clara, what’s wrong?
Clara: I’ve lost two pounds! (Immediately the smile leaves Xandir’s face.)
Xandir: You what? You LOST weight? How can that be?
Clara: I don’t know. I guess being upset over Ling-Ling has caused my metabolism to speed up even faster! I’d better get back to the ice cream, quick, before I waste away to nothing! (She sits back down and begins chomping down on the ice cream even harder. Xandir stands fuming.)
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling not know why Carla upset with him. But he figure he give her time to calm down then talk to her later.
Cut back to the living room. Clara is there still eating ice cream, now by herself.
TV Announcer: And we now return you to Psycho starring Inspector Gadget.
Gadget: Go, go, Gadget knife! (Immediately, the famous Psycho music starts playing. We hear a woman scream followed by a repeated stabbing sound.)
As Clara sits watching it, Ling-Ling enters and goes up to her.
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Oh, hello, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: You ready to talk to Ling-Ling about what wrong?
Clara: I suppose so. (She picks him up and sets him down on the couch next to her.) Ling-Ling, there’s been a certain trend in your behavior lately. Admittedly, it’s always been there, but lately it’s been even worse than usual. And before you go making a lot of humorous guesses as to what that trend might be, just let me finish.
Ling-Ling: Is it way Ling-Ling always leave toilet seat up?
Clara: I told you, Ling-Ling, no humorous guesses. Now, Ling-Ling, what happened today with that monster really upset me. I was finally going to get to show my housemates that I could help out in a crisis, and you come right along and steal my thunder!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry, Carla. It just he see Carla in danger-
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling, you see Carla in danger, you feel like you have to protect her. Did it ever occur to you that I can protect myself, and I don’t need you to be my bodyguard? I got enough of that at the castle!
Ling-Ling: (sadly) So… Carla not like Ling-Ling protecting her?
Clara: It’s not that, Ling-Ling, it’s just… well… maybe. I mean… oh, you know what I mean!
Ling-Ling: Right. Ling-Ling know what Carla mean. (He walks off sadly. Clara turns around.)
Clara: Ling-Ling, no, that’s not what I meant! (It is too late. Ling-Ling is gone. Xandir walks out looking very smug.)
Xandir: So, Clara. I guess having a perfect body doesn’t necessarily equal happiness.
Clara: Xandir, isn’t that the moral YOU’RE supposed to be learning this week?
Xandir: Maybe.
Clara: And you have a point, Xandir. Having a perfect body doesn’t automatically bring happiness. But it DOES make me able to kick your ass into next week. (She stands up and assumes her karate stance.) You want to take me on, Chubs? (Xandir stares for a moment. Then he breaks down crying.)
Xandir: (as he runs off crying) Oh, this is going to give me such an eating disorder! (Clara sits back down.)
(to be continued…)
Part 1
The scene opens on a long shot of the house. It cuts to the bathroom where Toot and Xandir stand over a scale.
Toot: Ha! I told you I’m not fat!
Xandir: Well, maybe not according to the "Hoffner Medical Index"-
Toot: Which is a REAL thing, even though it sounds like I just made it up. Which I didn’t. And besides, if you still don’t believe I'm not fat, I can prove it even further.
Xandir: How?
Toot: Well… I have a boyfriend now. Isn’t that proof enough?
Xandir: You know, Toot, there are SOME guys who can look past a woman’s weight and choose to be with them on the basis of personality. In fact, I don’t mind saying if I wasn’t gay and you weren’t a complete psycho, I might even consider dating you myself.
Toot: (flirtatiously) Reeeeeeally?
Xandir: Toot, every time you flirt with me somehow makes me even more gay than before. (Toot is annoyed.) Toot, all I’m saying is you have a great personality, possible mental illness aside. And there might be SOME guys out there who consider you attractive.
Toot: (glaring at him) I’m glad you ARE gay, Xandir. I’m really relieved you’re not in our dating pool.
Xandir: I’m sorry, Toot. I don’t really know how to talk to girls. You guys are so sensitive.
Toot: WE’RE sensitive? Xandir, you cry while watching Deal or No Deal!
Xandir: Hey, the guy was two cases away from the million dollars and he blew it by picking the wrong case! (tearfully) That’s very sad to me!
Toot: Be that as it may.
Foxxy: (from outside the door) Quit stealing my catchphrase, Toot!
Toot: Sorry. Well, look, Xandir, if you’re so hung up on having a perfect body, why don’t YOU hop on the scale and let’s see how much YOU weigh!
Xandir: I’d be glad to! Everyone knows my body is the pinnacle of healthfulness! (He gets on the scale and immediately begins to panic.)
Toot: Oh, my God, Xandir! You do seem to be quite the chubby! Damn, I wish I could remember all those fat jokes you made about me so I could use them against YOU!
Xandir: You know what it is? I bet it’s this armor that’s weighing me down. (He begins taking off his armor.)
Toot: Yeah, that armor’s gotta be at least 15 pounds, easy.
Xandir: (finishes removing his armor and his boots) Okay, now for my REAL weight! (He steps back on the scale. Immediately he freaks out.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God!
Toot: (looking at scale) I knew it! For the first time since we’ve been in this house… you weigh more than I do! (Clara walks in.)
Xandir: That’s silly, Toot. Obviously this scale is broken.
Clara: Here, I’ll see. (She steps on the scale.) Nope! 120 and holding steady. (to Xandir) You know, I haven’t gained or lost a pound since I’ve been in this house. Weird, isn’t it? I guess some people’s bodies are just like that. (She walks out. Xandir seethes.)
Toot: You know, I used to have dreams at night that I’d wake up one day and Clara would be horribly fat. But you know, I think this is more fun! (Xandir glares at her. Toot smiles casually.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a large building in the city. There is a sign on the building that reads “Mojo Dojo”. The scene cuts to the interior where we see a karate class in progress. Among the students is Clara.
Clara: (in confessional) As much as I appreciated my husband Ling-Ling always protecting me, I was beginning to feel kind of helpless. And lately things had been even worse than usual.
A montage begins to play. First, we see Clara entering a cave and suddenly being attacked by a horrible gigantic monster. Ling-Ling swoops in and kills the monster. Clara hugs him appreciatively. Next, we see Clara entering the bathroom and being confronted with a roomful of vicious-looking gremlins. She shrieks. Ling-Ling enters and kills them all with one mighty burst of energy. Clara hugs him appreciatively. Finally, the scene changes to Clara at a store counter arguing with a cashier.
Clara: I know for a fact I gave you a twenty, and you only gave me back change for a ten!
Cashier: Look, lady, if you don’t step aside, I’m gonna have to get the manager!
Ling-Ling suddenly swoops in and hurls an energy ball at the clerk, knocking him on his back.
Ling-Ling: That teach you to threaten Ling-Ling’s woman! (A gentleman in a suit rushes out to confront the pair.)
Manager: Excuse me, I’m the manager. Is there a problem here? (Ling-Ling rises in the air and begins forming another energy ball to hurl at the manager. Clara buries her face in her hands in exasperation.)
Clara: (in confessional) So I decided to take some self-defense classes. Since I’m already an expert with a firearm, I figured if I could learn to fight with my hands and feet too, I’d be more than able to protect myself no matter what the situation. I’m expecting to receive my ass kicking license any day now.
Cut back to class. The karate instructor has set up a tall stack of boards.
Instructor: Now then, class. Does anyone know how to break these boards? (Clara eagerly sticks up her hand.)
Clara: I do!
Instructor: Then step forward and show us, Clara.
As the instructor opens a closet, Clara approaches the boards. With a mighty yell, she lifts her foot up and brings it crashing down on the boards, breaking them all in half. As the other students look on in amazement, Clara stands looking pleased with herself.
Clara: Would you look at that! Didn’t even mess up my pedicure! I knew it wouldn’t be dumb to get one before class.
Instructor: Um, Clara? (She turns.) I was going to suggest using this! (He pulls out an axe. Clara shrugs.)
Xandir: (in confessional) I was determined to get back into shape at any cost. I tried the weights and the treadmill, but none of them seemed to give me the workout I need. Finally, I decided to ask one of my housemates if I could borrow HIS training facility.
Cut to an unidentified location in the Drawn Together house. Xandir walks up to a door marked “Ling-Ling’s Exercise Room”. He opens the door and enters. There we see Ling-Ling running inside a giant hamster wheel. Xandir approaches him.
Xandir: Oh, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling sees Xandir standing to the side. He stops running and gets out of the wheel. He holds up a finger to Xandir instructing him to wait just a moment. Ling-Ling then walks over to a large upside down water bottle. Grasping the spout with his tiny hands, he drinks for a minute. Then he walks over to Xandir.
Ling-Ling: That good workout today. Ling-Ling always stay in tip top shape. Even if figure not show it. How can Ling-Ling help Xandir today?
Xandir: Ling-Ling, I need to drop several pounds in a hurry. Is it okay if I use your facilities?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so. Besides, it time for Carla to be getting back from class, Ling-Ling spend time with her instead. Xandir have nice figure but still not as nice as Carla. (He walks out. Xandir is close to tears. He holds his hand in front of his face.)
Xandir: Strong, Xandir! Strong, Xandir! It’s okay, Xandir. Clara is Ling-Ling’s wife. Of course he’s going to be biased toward her. (becomes depressed) Oh, who am I kidding?
Ling-Ling walks into the living room. The other housemates minus Clara and Xandir are watching TV.
TV Announcer: And we now return you to Terms of Endearment, starring the Care Bears.
Funshine Bear: I can’t believe you got cancer, Love-a-Lot Bear! This is so sad!
Love-a-Lot Bear: Thank you for caring, Funshine Bear! I’m going to need you to care now more than ever!
Grumpy Bear: I hate cancer!
Funshine Bear: Love-a-Lot Bear needs you to care too, Grumpy Bear! With love and caring, we can drive away that mean old cancer!
Cut back to the housemates. Hero is crying.
Hero: Why did Love-a-Lot Bear have to get cancer, Foxxy? Why? Why? (He begins crying on her shoulder.)
Foxxy: There, there, Captain Hero, it’s okay. We all get cancer sometimes.
Spanky: Guys? Do we have to go through this EVERY time we watch this movie?
Ling-Ling: Hey, did anyone hear from Carla yet? Should be getting home from class about now.
Spanky: Oh, Clara called a few minutes ago to give you a message. She said she’s going to be about half an hour late.
Ling-Ling: Oh, okay. In that case, Ling-Ling use extra time to go make her some cookies. (He exits to the kitchen. Hero looks at Foxxy.)
Hero: That’s really sweet of Ling-Ling to bake his love cookies like that. I wish my girlfriend would make ME cookies.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, you really want the Foxxy trying to cook stuff? Remember that time I tried to make popcorn in the microwave?
Cut to the housemates standing in the yard. They are looking at the burned-out space where their house used to be.
Foxxy: Sorry, guys. I thought for sure I knew what I was doing this time.
Spanky: (sighs) Wooldoor? Call the producer and tell him we broke the house again. (Wooldoor gets out a cell phone and dials.)
Cut back to the present. The housemates resume watching TV but are suddenly interrupted by a tremendous shaking.
Hero: Oh my God, what’s that?
Wooldoor: That’s probably the custom designed earthquake maker I ordered. The postman must have dropped the package. I’ll go check! (He opens the door. Clara is standing there.)
Clara: Hey, guys! I thought class was going to keep me over today, but the instructor threw his back out trying to swing an axe that was too heavy for him, so here I am!
Toot: Maybe it was Clara making the ground shake! Clara, have you gained weight?
Hero: Hey, everybody, there’s some kind of disturbance outside! Maybe we should investigate!
As Hero dives behind the couch, Foxxy, Clara, Toot, Spanky, and Wooldoor go outside. They are greeted with the sight of a giant beast lumbering toward them.
Spanky: Oh, no! It’s one of the Elderly Mutant Samurai Frogs! And he’s grown to giant size!
Wooldoor: Wow, they look a lot smaller on TV!
Foxxy: He’s coming to attack us!
Toot: Why do these things always have to randomly attack people? Shouldn’t we have done something first to incur its wrath?
Foxxy: Giant mutated monsters don’t have to have a reason to attack people, Toot. It’s inbred!
Wooldoor: Don’t you mean inborn?
Foxxy: Why, what’d I say?
(Clara assumes a karate stance.)
Clara: Stand back, everyone. I'll handle this!
As the monster reaches the group, the rest of them run and stand behind Clara. She kicks the monster in the shin. As the monster doubles over, she reaches her hand back to karate chop it. Just as she is in the middle of doing so, however, the monster is hit with a giant energy ball and falls flat on his back. A stunned Clara turns around to see Ling-Ling touching back down to earth.
Ling-Ling: That teach cheap ninja turtle knockoff to attack Carla!
As Clara continues to stand looking stunned, the other housemates walk up to Ling-Ling.
Spanky: Thanks for saving us, Ling-Ling!
Foxxy: How can we ever repay you?
Wooldooor: That was great, Ling-Ling! You’re the best!
Ling-Ling: (acting modest) Ling-Ling know.
Toot: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we go inside and celebrate Ling-Ling saving us yet again!
Wooldoor: I love celebrating! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The group walk back into the house. As they pass her, they comment to Clara.
Spanky: Wow, Clara, you sure handled it, all right!
Foxxy: Thanks for holding off that monster until Ling-Ling could defeat it for us, Clara.
Wooldoor: Wait. What did Clara do exactly? (They go back in the house, leaving Clara and Ling-Ling standing there. Clara simply stands and stares in complete shock.)
Clara: (in confessional) All these weeks I had been praying for a chance to prove I could protect the group, and no sooner had my chance arrived than it was taken right out from under my nose. And by my own husband, no less!
Ling-Ling: That narrow escape. Come on inside, Carla, Ling-Ling make cookies for you. You tell Ling-Ling all about what happened in class today.
Clara: What happened in class today? I’ll tell you what happened, I wasted my time and money even going, apparently! Ling-Ling- you weren’t supposed to save everyone from that monster!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry. He not realize you want to be killed.
Clara: Just go back inside, Ling-Ling. I’ll talk to you later.
Ling-Ling: (confused, but obedient) All right. (He turns. As he walks back through the door, he pauses briefly.) Did Ling-Ling do something wrong? (Clara does not answer. Ling-Ling exits, still confused. Clara stands fuming. Finally, Toot pokes her head out the door.)
Toot: Hey, Clara? You still want to be a hero? (Clara turns eagerly.) There’s a big spider scaring the hell out of Captain Hero. You can come kill it if you want! (Clara wrinkles her brow at Toot. Toot turns back toward the house for a minute.) What? (She turns back to Clara.) Never mind, Clara, Ling-Ling killed that too. I guess we don’t need you after all. Toodles! (Toot pops back in the house. As Clara hangs her head in exasperation, the scene fades.)
Cut to Xandir and Wooldoor in Wooldoor’s doctor’s office.
Xandir: You’ve got to help me get this weight off, Wooldoor. I’m getting desperate.
Wooldoor: What’s the matter, Xandir? Can’t fit into your prom dress anymore? (Xandir starts to cry.) I’m sorry, Xandir, I didn’t mean to bring that up again. I know that’s still a sensitive area for you.
Xandir: So are you going to help me or not?
Wooldoor: Absolutely Xandir. I’ve designed here a special diet for you. I call it the MIT diet.
Xandir: Oh, because it was created by scientists at MIT.
Wooldoor: No! Because it’s the diet I followed when I was a broke college student!
Xandir: You expect me to eat Ramen noodles every meal?
Wooldoor: Ramen noodles? What, did you think I was rich or something?
Xandir: Oh, God, this is going to be rough.
Wooldoor: Just be glad I’m not putting you on the supermodel diet!
Xandir: (puts his hand to his stomach in pain) Oh my God, I think the starvation’s already kicking in! I can already feel myself wasting away!
Wooldoor: Just keep doing that for four more years, or longer if you want to pursue graduate studies, and you’ll be trim in no time! (Xandir groans.)
Cut to Clara and Toot sitting on the couch watching TV. Each has a giant tub of ice cream in front of her which she is eating from.
TV Announcer: And we now return you to The Godfather, starring the Smurfs.
Sonny: You asked to see me, Godfather Smurf?
Godfather: Yes, Sonny Corleone Smurf. I understand Fredo Smurf is trying to smurf against the family. You know what I smurf, Sonny, the family smurf must be protected. So here’s what you do. You take that prize racing smurf of his and smurf its head off, then put it in his smurf next to his smurf.
Sonny: What if he doesn’t get the smurf, Godafather Smurf?
Godfather: Then a couple of my smurfs are going to have pay that little smurf a visit and smurf his little smurfs off!
Sonny: Ouch! That’s gotta smurf!
Clara: I’m glad to see all these cartoon stars are starting to branch off into more serious material.
Toot: Hey, they gotta make a living somehow! Doing the classics sure beats porn!
Clara: I bet if Spanky were here right now, he’d say porn WAS the classics!
Toot: I can’t deny that. That’s one pig who loves his porn. (Clara eats another scoop of ice cream.) So what’s going on, Clara? What’s got you in the mood to have a girls’ night all of a sudden? I figured you’d be doing something with Ling-Ling tonight.
Clara: I’m not really too happy with Ling-Ling right now.
Toot: Why not?
Clara: He knows what he did.
Toot: Yeah, but I don’t! Come on, let’s have the poop!
Clara: Ewwwwww! Just because YOU can go anywhere, Toot-
Toot: I mean, tell me what happened! Come on, I want some gossip!
Clara: Toot, ever since I’ve been in this house, people have thought of me as the spoiled rich girl who can’t do a damn thing for herself, and I was getting tired of it. And Ling-Ling, as much as I love him, wasn’t really helping matters any. The way he kept attacking every little thing that threatened me just made me feel more and more helpless. I figured if I took some karate classes, I could start defending myself, but Ling-Ling doesn’t seem to want to let me do that!
Toot: Why don’t you cut Ling-Ling a break, Clara? I mean, that monster was really huge and scary. Maybe he didn’t think you were ready to fight it by yourself.
Clara: Maybe. I guess I’ll go talk to him. I guess he’s had enough time to stew by now. (Xandir walks in, still feeling a sense of starvation.)
Xandir: Hey, Toot! Hey, Clara! What are you guys doing?
Toot: Eating ice cream and watching movies! What about you?
Xandir: Um… standing here talking to you.
Toot: Is it fun?
Xandir: Not especially. So… eating ice cream, huh? I bet it’s that lowfat soybean stuff, isn’t it?
Toot: Nope. It’s the good stuff. Loaded in fat. (Xandir perks up.)
Xandir: Is it? Is it now? (looks at Clara’s container) Why, Clara, you do seem to have polished off an entire container all by yourself! Of the fat kind!
Clara: I suppose I have.
Xandir: Hmm, very interesting. Um, Clara, I don’t suppose I could convince you to weigh yourself, could I?
Toot: Weigh herself? Xandir, she’s been doing nothing for the last two hours except eating ice cream and sitting on her ass!
Xandir: You don’t say! (to Clara) Oh, could you, Clara, could you?
Clara: Well, all right, Xandir, if you insist. (She gets up and starts to walk off but Xandir stops her.)
Xandir: You don’t need to go all the way upstairs, Clara, I have a scale right here. (He hands it to her.)
Clara: Okay. (She puts the scale down on the floor and steps on it. Immediately she begins panicking.) Oh, no! Oh, my God, this can’t be! My weight hasn’t changed since I’ve been in this house! (Xandir is barely able to contain his glee.)
Xandir: Oh, no, Clara, what’s wrong?
Clara: I’ve lost two pounds! (Immediately the smile leaves Xandir’s face.)
Xandir: You what? You LOST weight? How can that be?
Clara: I don’t know. I guess being upset over Ling-Ling has caused my metabolism to speed up even faster! I’d better get back to the ice cream, quick, before I waste away to nothing! (She sits back down and begins chomping down on the ice cream even harder. Xandir stands fuming.)
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling not know why Carla upset with him. But he figure he give her time to calm down then talk to her later.
Cut back to the living room. Clara is there still eating ice cream, now by herself.
TV Announcer: And we now return you to Psycho starring Inspector Gadget.
Gadget: Go, go, Gadget knife! (Immediately, the famous Psycho music starts playing. We hear a woman scream followed by a repeated stabbing sound.)
As Clara sits watching it, Ling-Ling enters and goes up to her.
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: Oh, hello, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: You ready to talk to Ling-Ling about what wrong?
Clara: I suppose so. (She picks him up and sets him down on the couch next to her.) Ling-Ling, there’s been a certain trend in your behavior lately. Admittedly, it’s always been there, but lately it’s been even worse than usual. And before you go making a lot of humorous guesses as to what that trend might be, just let me finish.
Ling-Ling: Is it way Ling-Ling always leave toilet seat up?
Clara: I told you, Ling-Ling, no humorous guesses. Now, Ling-Ling, what happened today with that monster really upset me. I was finally going to get to show my housemates that I could help out in a crisis, and you come right along and steal my thunder!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry, Carla. It just he see Carla in danger-
Clara: I know, Ling-Ling, you see Carla in danger, you feel like you have to protect her. Did it ever occur to you that I can protect myself, and I don’t need you to be my bodyguard? I got enough of that at the castle!
Ling-Ling: (sadly) So… Carla not like Ling-Ling protecting her?
Clara: It’s not that, Ling-Ling, it’s just… well… maybe. I mean… oh, you know what I mean!
Ling-Ling: Right. Ling-Ling know what Carla mean. (He walks off sadly. Clara turns around.)
Clara: Ling-Ling, no, that’s not what I meant! (It is too late. Ling-Ling is gone. Xandir walks out looking very smug.)
Xandir: So, Clara. I guess having a perfect body doesn’t necessarily equal happiness.
Clara: Xandir, isn’t that the moral YOU’RE supposed to be learning this week?
Xandir: Maybe.
Clara: And you have a point, Xandir. Having a perfect body doesn’t automatically bring happiness. But it DOES make me able to kick your ass into next week. (She stands up and assumes her karate stance.) You want to take me on, Chubs? (Xandir stares for a moment. Then he breaks down crying.)
Xandir: (as he runs off crying) Oh, this is going to give me such an eating disorder! (Clara sits back down.)
(to be continued…)