DTBL episode 15: A Very Drawn Together Christmas

[Raymond-Raymond]

A VERY DRAWN TOGETHER CHRISTMAS

Part 1

The scene opens on a long shot of the house. It is winter time, and the house is decorated with Christmas lights. A Nativity scene sits in front of the house with a sign taped to it that reads, "If you touch this again, you’re going to hell!- Clara". The scene changes to the interior where Clara and Ling-Ling sit snuggling together on the couch sipping hot cocoa.

Ling-Ling: You right, Carla, this is nice.

Clara: I told you it was, Ling-Ling. This is what couples do during the holidays.

Ling-Ling: Really? Chocolate Animal Woman say something different. She say couples are supposed to-

Clara: That’s what SOME couples do, Ling-Ling. But not good Christian couples like us.

Ling-Ling: You think having sex at Christmastime blasphemous to Jesus?

Clara: Not at all, Ling-Ling. I would just feel weird doing it in front of all these crosses.

Ling-Ling: We could go upstairs. Or get under blanket.

Clara: To be honest, Ling-Ling, I like this better. Just sitting here cuddling, being happy in each other’s company. To me, this is what the holidays are all about. That, and shoving Jesus down people’s throats. (Ling-Ling looks at her questioningly.) Okay, shoving him down people’s throats even more than I usually do.

Ling-Ling: How that possible?

Clara: (laughs) Oh, Ling-Ling. You know, normally I’d be out right now going door to door screaming at everyone about commercialism and forgetting the spiritual meaning of Christmas, but for some reason I don’t feel motivated to do that anymore. I just want to sit here and enjoy the season for once. I wonder what’s changed. (Ling-Ling looks at her.) Oh, right. (She cuddles him.) This is the first Christmas in my entire life I’ve had a romantic partner to spend it with. Am I letting Jesus down?

Ling-Ling: Don’t be silly. Jesus want you to be happy at Christmas. That why he give you Ling-Ling so you not have to go door to door yelling at people. It his way of telling you to shut up. (She laughs again. Toot walks in.)

Toot: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the two lovebirds all cuddly and cozy! Ooh, you guys just look soooooo cute together! I just want to take your picture and send it to all my friends!

Clara: We’re the sugar and you’re the spice, is that it, Toot?

Toot: Yeah, pretty much. Anyway, I didn’t come in here to make fun of you. Well, actually, I did, but that wasn’t the main thing. Has anyone seen the Christmas candy?

Clara: Yeah, I put it the same place we keep the rest of the candy, in the cupboard. (Toot becomes alarmed.)

Toot: You what? Clara, you can’t put the Christmas candy in the cupboard! You were supposed to lock it up in the basement!

Clara: Why? I know there was a ton of candy there, but there was still room in the cupboard for it. What’s wrong with keeping it there?

Toot: Because! You know who has access to the cupboard! They’ll probably eat it all!

Clara: You know, Toot, if you’re that bothered about it, you could always just not eat it!

Toot: I didn’t mean me, Snickers for brains! You know I never bother with candy when there’s meat in the house. I was referring to the house’s resident sweet tooth. You know, the one who’s like a big overgrown child?

Clara: Hero?

Toot: No…

Clara: So what’s the problem, Toot? We can always buy more candy. After our Thanksgiving special brought in such great ratings, the producer gave us a HUGE Christmas budget to work with. I’m glad Xandir was able to convince him of that by going over to his office every week.

Toot: It’s not money I’m worried about, Clara.

Just then a loud disturbance is heard in the kitchen. Toot immediately puts her hands to her face.

Toot: Crap, he’s found it. Brace yourselves, guys!

Wooldoor comes hurtling into the living room rushing about frantically. As Ling-Ling lies on Clara’s lap, Wooldoor disturbs them, causing Ling-Ling’s tail to assume the shape of profanity symbols.

Clara: Not AGAIN!

Wooldoor: (not slowing down) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Toot: Goddammit, Wooldoor, would you sit down and shut the hell up already?

Wooldoor: I can’t stop it, I don’t know how it works! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee again!

Wooldoor begins moving so fast, he appears to take the form of a ball. He smacks into one of the walls, then richochets and hits another wall. He continues bouncing off the walls in this fashion while a very disgruntled Toot looks at Clara.

Toot: This is your fault, Clara. YOU’RE the one who’s gonna have deal with this.

Clara: Deal with what?

Toot: Babysitting Wooldoor!

Clara: You don’t want me watching Wooldoor, Toot. Aren’t you worried I’ll snap and get all Munchausen by proxy again? (She glares at Toot.) I might forget to take my medication.

Toot: (glaring right back at Clara) We’ll give you your medication intravenously if we have to. But you’re watching Wooldoor!

Clara: Fine. I’ll be Wooldoor’s mommy for the holidays.

Toot: Great. Then after that, Spanky, Foxxy, and I can dress up again and you can be our mommies too!

Clara: What are you talking about?

Toot: Never mind. (She walks off. Clara, slightly frustrated, turns to Ling-Ling.)

Clara: I can’t believe this. Normally I wouldn’t mind babysitting Wooldoor. I’m kind of a big sister to him anyway. But this is our first Christmas together as a couple! I was really looking forward to spending it with you.

Ling-Ling: That okay, Carla. Ling-Ling help you watch Sockbat.

Clara: Really, Ling-Ling? That’s so sweet of you. And don’t worry, I promise I’ll make it up to you.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know. (As Clara hugs him lovingly, Ling-Ling looks at the camera with a salacious grin.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

Spanky: (in confessional) Like everyone else in the house, I was really starting to get into the Christmas spirit. And for Spanky, that means only one thing. Delighting my housemates with some festive holiday pranks!

Cut to Xandir in another room in the house sitting in front of the Christmas tree. Around him are several presents in wrapped boxes, and numerous quantities of wrapping paper. Xandir holds another box which he is trying to wrap. However, he is very frustrated because the wrapping paper keeps ripping.

Xandir: Dammit! Not again! This’ll be the fifth time I’ve had to wrap this one box. For some reason the paper just keeps tearing! (Xandir grabs the roll of wrapping paper he has been using and looks at it.) Wait a minute. This isn’t wrapping paper! It’s rice paper dressed up to look like wrapping paper! Now who could have done this? (We see Spanky standing in the doorway snickering. Xandir picks up another package that has already been wrapped.) Oh well, at least this one turned out great! This is some of the best work I’ve ever done! I mean, seriously, this could be my ticket to admission into the Wrapping Hall of Fame! *sniff* It’s just so beautiful! (Just then we hear a faint sound. Xandir looks around confused.) What’s that? It sounds like someone talking. It sounds like it’s coming from the box! (He puts his ear to the box.)

Box: Help me!

Xandir: What?

Box: You heard me, gaywad, I said help me! Get me out of here!

Xandir: Who are you? Besides a pretty colored box, I mean, that I wrapped.

Box: I’m Mina, the pet mynah bird that was sent to the house to be your present! But you weren’t supposed to wrap me! I’ll suffocate in here!

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! I’d better get you out of there! I’ll save you, Mina the mynah! (As Xandir ferociously tears the wrapping off the box, a caption appears on the screen reading, "Yes, we did name the character Mina JUST so we could make this joke." Xandir opens the box. He surveys the contents of the box with a look of disgust. He reaches into the box and pulls out the item it contained.) A walkie-talkie? Now who could have done this? (Though Xandir does not see him, we see Spanky, holding a walkie-talkie, quickly duck out of sight. Xandir sighs.) Oh well, back to wrapping. (He picks up another roll of paper, but when he tries to set it down, he is unable to.) Oh, now what? (He looks at the paper.) Fly paper? You’ve got to be kidding me! How did they manage to roll it sticky side up?

Cut to Spanky running down the hallway. Oblivious, Clara and Ling-Ling step out of their doorway.

Clara: I just don’t get why everyone seems to think I’m so motherly. (As Spanky passes Clara, Toot suddenly comes bounding after him.) Hey, you two, I thought I said no running in the halls!

As soon as he gets downstairs, Spanky suddenly trips. He gets up and thinks about resuming running, bur decides against it.

Spanky: Nah, I’m probably safe now. No way is Xandir gonna run this far after me. At this point, I think it’s safe for me to say that nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong! (Spanky turns and immediately collides with Toot.) Hey, what’s the deal? Since when do YOU move like that? Are they having a two for one sale at the donut shop again?

Toot: Oh, Spanky, I just got the best news! Marty’s big assignment got cancelled, so he’s coming to spend the holidays with me! Isn’t that great?

Spanky: That’s fantastic, Toot!

Toot: Hey, I have an idea! We could help you play pranks!

Spanky: I don’t think that would work, Toot.

Toot: Why not?

Spanky: Cause YOU’RE one of the main people I wanted to prank this year! I mean, messing with Xandir is a lot of fun, but sometimes you just want some variety, you know?

Toot: I suppose.

Clara: (in confessional) Fortunately, Wooldoor had calmed down from his sugar high somewhat, but he still insisted on acting liking a little boy. It was so bad we had to cancel plans to invite the local priest over for dinner.

Wooldoor: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy! What are we gonna do today, Clara?

Clara: I thought we would enjoy a quiet evening together playing a board game.

Wooldoor: That sounds boring. I wanna go play outside!

Clara: In this weather? Give me a break!

Wooldoor: But I wanna go sledding! Come on, Clara, we could bundle up! You ought to enjoy that- you could expose even less flesh than usual!

Clara: Sorry, Wooldoor, I don’t handle the cold well.

Wooldoor: Well, then, can I go help Xandir wrap presents?

Clara: All right, that sounds nice and constructive. You go help Xandir wrap presents, Wooldoor. (Wooldoor rushes out. Clara turns to Ling-Ling and smiles.) There, that ought to get him out of our hair. Now he’s Xandir’s problem for a while.

Ling-Ling: You thinking what Ling-Ling thinking?

Clara: I sure hope so! (She leans in and begins kissing him. Just as soon as they start, however, they are suddenly interrupted.)

Xandir: *ahem*

Clara: (She turns, annoyed.) What? (She sees Xandir.) Oh, don’t tell me! (The camera cuts to a very angry-looking Xandir holding Wooldoor by the scruff of his neck.)

Xandir: I believe this belongs to you!

Clara: (under her breath) How could he have gotten in trouble already? (to Xandir) Um, he’s not mine. He must be one of Foxxy’s kids. It’s been nearly a week since the last one, I figure she’s about due to have another one.

Foxxy: (walking through) It ain’t mine, Clara. If anything like that ever came out of Foxxy’s uterus, she’d have been calling for the exorcist!

Clara: Thanks for your help, Foxxy. (Foxxy leaves. Clara turns to Xandir.) All right, Xandir, what’d he do?

Xandir: No sooner do I start handing him boxes to wrap than I find him opening them right up! And then he went and opened up all the ones I’d already wrapped!

Wooldoor: I can’t help it, guys, I was so excited about all the presents I was going to get, I just couldn’t wait any longer to open them!

Xandir: But did you have to open every single one of them? Not all those presents are for you, you know!

Wooldoor: They’re not? (disappointed) Awwwwwwww!

Clara: It seems to me that someone around here has gotten very materialistic all of a sudden. Wooldoor, I think it’s time I teach you what Christmas is really all about.

Wooldoor: Does that mean I’m gonna get another lecture about Jesus?

Clara: Yes.

Wooldoor: Awwwwwwww!

Cut to the front door. The doorbell rings. We see Foxxy walking toward the door to answer it, but just as she gets there, she is suddenly pushed out of the way by Toot.

Foxxy: Damn, Toot! Sometimes you just violent for no good reason, you know that? It’s just like I’m back in Detroit!

Toot flings the door open. Her face lights up. We see Marty standing there.

Marty: Hello, Mrs. Braunstein. Is your daughter home?

Toot: Nope. Guess you’ll just have to bang me, then!

Marty: Yeah, all right. (Toot jumps into his arms excitedly and plants a big kiss on him.)

Toot: Oh, God, Marty, how long has it been since we’ve seen each other?

Marty: Two whole days.

Toot: I’m glad you haven’t forgotten me!

Marty: Um, Toot? Excited as I am to see you again, can I put you down now?

Toot: I’m not getting fat again, am I?

Marty: No… but I’m still only two inches taller than you. And I’m not exactly built like Captain Hero, either.

Toot: Okay, that’s fine, then. (He puts her down.) But if it makes you feel better, Captain Hero can’t even lift me at all. (Hero walks in.)

Hero: I keep trying to tell you, Toot, I was tired, and you were even fatter than usual that week! And you had this strange rash I was afraid to touch.

Toot: God, how come every time someone says something about someone else around here, that person immediately walks in to comment on it? (She looks at Hero in annoyance.)

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) So Carla try to teach Sockbat all about birth of Jesus. Too bad Ling-Ling converted for Carla rather than other way around. Teaching Sockbat about Scientology and spaceships probably a lot easier.

Clara: Now, Wooldoor, this is a Bible. It teaches us all about Jesus.

Wooldoor: I know what a Bible is, Clara. I may be a child right now but I’m not retarded.

Clara: That remains to be seen. But anyway, once upon a time, there was this couple named Joseph and Mary. God told Mary that she was going to give birth to a very special son.

Wooldoor: Oh, Joseph was going to get her pregnant.

Clara: No, Wooldoor. It wasn’t going to be Joseph’s baby. Mary was going to give birth to the Son of God.

Wooldoor: God was going to have sex with Mary?

Clara: No, of course not!

Wooldoor: But how was he going to get her pregnant, then? I know how babies are made, Clara!

Clara: Wooldoor, the pregnancy was going to be immaculate. That meant they became pregnant without having to have sex.

Wooldoor: Wow… how did they do that?

Clara: Well, I don’t know exactly, Wooldoor. But I sure wish I could find out! (She sighs.) But anyway, back to the Bible. Here, let me read you one of my favorite passages. (She reads.) “And God said unto Mary, yea, verily, woman, goest now with Joseph into the desert and give birth to my child. And don’t go telling people he’s the father just so you won’t look like a ho. Cause you God’s ho now, woman… (Clara’s expression changes as she begins to realize something is wrong.) …and if you don’t get in line, I’m gonna smack your bitch ass all the way to Babylon- (She closes the book angrily.) Spanky!

Wooldoor: Wow… this Bible is so much cooler than I thought it was gonna be!

Cut to Toot and Marty watching the scene.

Marty: So let me see if I’ve got this straight. She’s married to a little orange thing that’s barely bigger than my cat, and she’s babysitting a weird yellow guy with bat wings. Is that right?

Toot: And don’t forget, she used to date a pig.

Marty: And she’s really a princess?

Toot: That’s what she says. Personally, I want to check her references on that one. Though I admit she often acts like a royal pain in the ass! (Captain Hero enters.)

Hero: Oh, Toot, can I talk to you for a minute?

Toot: Speaking of pains in the ass. What is it, Captain Hero?

Hero: Toot, I’ve been watching Clara teach Wooldoor all about Christmas just now and I admit that I can’t help but be touched. I’d kind of like someone to teach me like that!

Toot: About Christmas?

Hero: No, about the holiday of my own faith! Hanukkah!

Toot: You mean… you don’t know about Hanukkah? I feel like calling my mom right now and saying, “You see? I told you I’m not the world’s worst Jew!”

Marty: Oh, don’t be so hard on him, Toot. Captain Hero, we’d be glad to teach you about Hanukkah!

Toot: But you’re not even Jewish, Marty.

Marty: That’s actually not a problem, Toot. (He winks at her. She immediately realizes.)

Toot: Ohhhhhhh, I see. Yeah, Captain Hero. Marty and I will teach you all about- (giggles) Hanukkah! Marty, you want to start?

Marty: Now Hanukkah, as we all know, was first practiced by the man who today is considered the elder statesman of the Jewish faith. Woody Allen.

Hero: Wait a minute. You mean… before Woody Allen, there was no Judaism?

Toot: Well, there WAS… it just wasn’t as good.

Hero: Oh, I see.

Marty: One sect of Jews, who were led by the great prophet Rodney Dangerfield, felt Judaism had become too commercialized. A second sect, led by Barbra Streisand, felt Judaism wasn’t commercialized enough. She promoted her aims by charging $500 a show and putting out three albums every year, which the Streisandites gleefully bought. This made the Dangerfieldites very upset, who felt that their great leader Rodney wasn’t getting any respect. They proceeded to complain about the situation in a series of witty one-liners. And then came the great Holy War. The two leaders were booked to play Caesar’s Tahoe the same weekend.

Foxxy: (in confessional) Foxxy was sad cause her papa was supposed to spend Christmas with her, but unfortunately he couldn’t cause no one in the family had seen him in 20 years. So I thought I’d use a lame scene transition and see if Xandir needed any help wrapping presents.

Foxxy: (outside door) Xandir? You need any help in there?

Xandir: I got it, Foxxy, thanks!

Foxxy: You sure?

Xandir: Did you lose your hearing aid or something, grandma? I said I’m fine!

Foxxy: Okay, if you say so.

Xandir: And don’t even think about coming in here to help me. If you came in, you’d find me with things well under control, so you might as well not even waste your time opening the door. Cause I’m definitely not trying to keep you from opening the door and seeing something that would completely embarrass me. No, sir, as mentioned previously, Xandir has things well under control. So… don’t open the door.

Foxxy: It’s okay, Xandir, I understand.

Xandir: Thanks, Foxxy.

Foxxy starts to walk away, then suddenly stops. She opens the door and steps in the room.

Foxxy: I’m sorry, Xandir, what was it you didn’t want me to do again? (She is suddenly alarmed.) Oh, lordy! (We see Xandir sitting in the middle of the room. The room is in a complete mess, with wrapping paper everywhere. Xandir is entangled in a multitude of ribbons and paper.)

Xandir: Hi, Foxxy. Thanks for… listening.

Foxxy: Oh my God, Xandir, what happened in here?

Xandir: Well, I was trying to wrap presents, and… failed.

Foxxy: Do you need some help?

Xandir: That’d be nice. Will you help me clean up this mess, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Clean up the mess? What the hell you think I am, a servant girl? Forget it, Xandir, you racist cracker, I’m out of here! You all is just as bad as Clara! (She storms out.)

Xandir: This explains the state of her bedroom.

Cut to Foxxy walking angrily down the hall. As she gets to the end of the hallway, she suddenly bumps into something. She sees a wire stretched out across the hall. Suspended from the wire approximately level with her crotch area is a sprig of mistletoe. Foxxy looks down. Suddenly Spanky appears on the scene.

Spanky: Well, well, well, what have we here? It looks like someone is under the mistletoe! Well- part of you is. You know what that means!

Foxxy: No, what?

Spanky puckers up to kiss Foxxy and leans in toward the mistletoe. However, he forgets about the wire. He hits the wire, loses his balance and falls, seemingly knocked out cold. Foxxy stands looking over him.

Foxxy: Damn! Maybe I need to put the mistletoe in a different place next time.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling desperate to get Carla alone, but Carla still busy trying to teach Sockbat all about birth of Jesus. Ling-Ling hope Sockbat get message soon. It be ironic if lesson on God’s love lead to Wooldoor's violent murder.

Wooldoor: But why did they have to put him in a manger?

Clara: Because that was the closest thing they had to a cradle, Wooldoor. And since there wasn’t a Target anywhere around, there was no place they could buy one.

Wooldoor: Couldn’t they have just made him a nice bed out of some of the straw?

Clara: (losing patience) No, Wooldoor, they couldn’t. (pause) Baby Jesus was allergic to straw.

Wooldoor: The son of God had allergies?

Clara: Yes, Wooldoor. He was allergic to sin and straw. Anyway, the wise men came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Wooldoor: Myrrh? What’s myrrh?

Wooldoor: (in confessional) Sorry, folks. Every time myrrh gets mentioned in a Christmas special, someone immediately has to ask what it is. It’s the law. (Spanky walks into the confessional.)

Spanky: (in confessional) Hey, Wooldoor, what's myrrh?

Wooldoor: (in confessional) See? (to Spanky) I thought I told you not to call me here.

Cut back to the present.

Clara: Myrrh is an ointment, Wooldoor. You put it on, and it makes you smell nice.

Wooldoor: So there was no Target on the way to Bethlehem, but apparently there WAS a Bath and Body Works.

Clara: (As Ling-Ling can be seen becoming very impatient, Clara sighs) Yes. Anyway, the wise men said that Mary’s baby was the son of God.

Wooldoor: But God already told Mary that. Was he concerned Mary wanted a second opinion? Or was Mary just really stupid?

Clara: Wooldoor, as a devout Christian, I never thought I’d say this, but… have you ever considered atheism? (shrugs) It works for some people.

Wooldoor: I don’t get it, Clara. Do you not want to teach me about Jesus?

Clara: Gosh, Wooldoor, I, uh… (struggles for words. Ling-Ling suddenly jumps in.)

Ling-Ling: Carla not want to teach Sockbat anymore about Jesus because she think it time Sockbat start learning for himself. It like when Ling-Ling’s father try to teach Ling-Ling to swim by just pushing him in water.

Cut to a burial plot in Asia. Ling-Ling’s father Jun-Jee stands in front of a tombstone. The tombstone reads "Ling-Ling. 2004-slightly later in 2004. Death by drowning. Total deaths so far: 12"

Jun-Jee: Boy, Jun-Jee not do that again, huh?

Cut back to the present.

Wooldoor: Oh, I see. So Clara thinks I’ll learn more by exploring Jesus’s life on my own.

Clara: That’s right, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Gee, thanks, Clara, you’re the greatest! In fact, I think I’m going to go get started on that right away! (He gets up and starts to go. Clara calls him back.)

Clara: Wait a minute, Wooldoor. Don’t you need some teaching aids or some training materials?

Wooldoor: I already have all that in my study. I can just use the same stuff I used when I got ordained as a priest. I’ll see you guys later! (He rushes off. Clara lays her head back, breathing a sigh of relief.)

Clara: Wow.

Ling-Ling: Yeah.

Clara: (turns to Ling-Ling) Thank you, Ling-Ling. I was almost out of patience there.

Ling-Ling: Don’t mention it. That what Ling-Ling here for. To help Carla in time of need.

Clara: It’s not that I mind taking care of Wooldoor. He’s a nice guy. He’s just so hyperactive!

Ling-Ling: Tell Ling-Ling about it. (He leans in to kiss Clara, but she goes on, not noticing.)

Clara: I’ll tell you one thing, though. I am NOT doing this anymore! (He backs off.)

Ling-Ling: What do you mean?

Clara: Taking care of kids. I’ve had my fill of it! I don’t want to have to deal with that anymore. (Ling-Ling suddenly gets a worried look on his face.)

Ling-Ling: But you just mean babysitting, right? Not in general.

Clara: I don’t know, Ling-Ling. The whole idea just worries me. I mean, when you're babysitting, you don't have to worry about a lot of things because you know you can just give him back to his parents, or in Wooldoor's case, palm him off on one of the other housemates. But when you're the parent yourself... I don't know, Ling-Ling. I mean, being responsible for the raising of another human being? I’m just not sure I can handle that. And I don’t really think I should risk trying.

Ling-Ling: That nonsense, Carla. You be great with kids.

Clara: Will I? I can barely run my own life. I’m not going to give myself the opportunity to mess up someone else’s. (Ling-Ling looks sad. Clara, not noticing, turns to him.) So anyway, Ling-Ling. (She puts her hands on his shoulders and looks at him seductively.) I guess it’s finally time for us to start celebrating our first Christmas as a couple.

Ling-Ling: Um... (backs off) Not now. Ling-Ling have to go to bathroom first.

Clara: Can’t you hold it?

Ling-Ling: Maybe, maybe not. Carla really want to take chance?

Clara: (with a look of disgust) Good point. You go on. (Ling-Ling runs off.)

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) To be honest, Ling-Ling not sure if he want children or not. But he at least like to think possibility there. Carla saying she never want to have any children make Ling-Ling very sad for some reason. He decide to turn to only person he feel he can count on for help.

Toot: Nuh-uh! No way, Ling-Ling! Toot ain't dipping into her stash! You wanna get drunk, you get your own booze!

Marty: You sure you don't want to have a heart-to-heart about the problem, Ling-Ling? I'm pretty sure Foxxy's not doing anything at the moment.

Ling-Ling: No, Ling-Ling not feel like deep conversation at the moment. He more in mood to pretend problems don't exist.

Toot: Actually, Ling-Ling, I think I know where you might get some alcohol. Now I happen to know that one of the housemates is getting a vintage bottle of 1926 Chateau Chalet wine for a Christmas present. Why don't you go talk to Xandir and see if he'll let you have a little nip of it?

Ling-Ling: That sound like good deal. Thanks, Bloated Dolphin.

Toot: And thank you for not calling me Land Whale this time! (Ling-Ling leaves. Marty turns to Toot.)

Marty: How did you know about that wine, Toot?

Toot: I peeked in the box. I knew it was there because I can smell any booze within a 100 yard radius.

Marty: I was getting that for YOU.

Toot: Marty, Marty, I keep telling you. It's the 1927 Chateau Chalet I like, not the 1926!

Marty: Toot, is this an excuse to make me buy you another bottle?

Toot: (flirtatiously) Mayyyyyybe.

Hero: So are we gonna get back to the lesson or not?

Marty: Sure, sure, of course. Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Anyway, following the great battle, the great Jewish leader Larry King was badly wounded, but managed to deliver a stirring speech to inspire all his followers, urging the Jewish people to quit waging war, and instead focus on taking over the world through controlling the economy. And in tribute to King losing his penis in a swordfight with the Pope, it was proclaimed that henceforth all Jewish babies would have their penises removed likewise. However, when the great Jewish skeptic Jerry Seinfeld pointed out that such a procedure would make procreation impossible, a compromise was reached whereby only a small piece of skin at the tip would be removed. This procedure was to be known as the brisket, named for King's favorite cut of beef, but in common usage it has been shortened to bris.

Hero: That explains so much! But you still haven't told me about Hanukkah!

Marty: Hanukkah. Right. Let's see. (thinks) Okay. Now the great Jewish leaders saw the commercialism which had infected Christmas. And like the devoted Jews they were, they thought to themselves, "How can we get in on that?" So the great rabbi... um... (whispers to Toot) Who's someone I haven't used yet?

Toot: Uh... (thinks) George Burns!

Marty: Good one! (turns to Hero) The great rabbi George Burns declared that the Jews, like the Christians, would have a celebration of feasting and giving gifts. However, instead of just one day, the Jews would celebrate for eight days! That's eight times as many!

Toot: Unfortunately, Rabbi Burns forgot to take into account how stingy the average Jew is with money. So as a way of stretching their gift budget across eight whole days, it was decided that Hanukkah gifts would be cheap pieces of crap.

Marty: And that, Captain Hero, is why we celebrate Hanukkah.

Toot: The end!

Hero: Well, I must say, you two, that was very enlightening.

Toot: Thank you!

Hero: Now, then. Tell me why we light candles.

Marty: (to Toot) Go get me that big book in the bookcase that says "Encyclopedia of Jewish Entertainers".

Cut to Xandir still trying to wrap presents.

Xandir: (frustrated) I wonder what they'd say if I just put them all in a big pile and let everyone fight over them. (thinks for a moment) Nah, Spanky'd probably start taking bets on it. (There is a knock at the door.) If I said, "Stay out", would you ever listen? (Ling-Ling enters.) I guess that answers that.

Ling-Ling: Xandir, you remember wrapping up big bottle of wine earlier?

Xandir: Wine? No... that must be one of the unlabelled boxes I haven't wrapped yet. (points) It's over there somewhere.

Ling-Ling looks in the direction Xandir is pointing. There is a wall of unmarked boxes. Ling-Ling starts to make his way over to the boxes, but finds himself becoming entangled in the mass of wrapping paper piled everywhere. As he struggles to reach the boxes, he falls down into the pile of wrapping paper. We can see Ling-Ling moving under the pile, but after a moment he stops.

Cut back to Marty and Hero. Toot enters and hands Marty an extremely large book. Marty browses the book for a moment and then puts it down.

Marty: Okay, that'll work. (turns to Hero) Now, then. The candles. One night, during a very important bris, the famous mohel Mel Brooks became incensed upon hearing something he considered an abomination to the Jewish community- Neil Diamond's latest Christmas album. Brooks was so frustrated, he flung the scalpel across the room. The scalpel landed right in the electrical socket and shorted out all the electricity in the building. As a way of affirming their Jewish faith, and condeming the idea of a Jew recording three Christmas albums, it was decided that all Jews would extinguish their electric lighting during the Hanukkah celebration and perform their activities in the dark. However, Rabbi Buddy Hackett then pointed out that if everyone were in the dark, it would be impossible for them to see anything. Therefore it was decided that everyone would light candles instead, since candles are cheaper than buying flashlight batteries.

Toot: Any more questions?

Hero: Yes. So who was this Jesus guy and why did the Jews kill him?

Marty: For the answer to this one, we turn to the teachings of the great scholar Mel Gibson. Now Gibson teaches us... you know what, that's enough learning for today.

Hero: Awwwwwww!

Marty: Why don't you come back tomorrow and we'll teach you all about why Hindus wear that red dot on their foreheads.

Hero: Sounds like super cool fun! I'll be there! Well, time for recess! I'll see you guys later! (Leaping happily like a small child, Hero cavorts out of the room. As Hero can be seen through the window playing on the swingset in the yard, Toot turns to Marty.)

Toot: We're not really doing this again tomorrow, are we?

Marty: I hope not. I can't think of any famous Indian entertainers.

Toot: Then you never saw Gandhi's Vegas show! I tell you, you'll never listen to "I Will Survive" the same way again!

Marty: You know, this experience with Captain Hero's got me thinking. Do you ever... think about the future?

Toot: (smiling) Yes.

Marty: Oh, really? And do you see anything special in our future?

Toot: Yes, Marty. I want to get started on the babymaking right away!

Marty: Okay! (They get down on the floor and begin kissing passionately. Marty suddenly turns to Toot.) You're on the pill, right?

Toot: Of course!

Marty: Okay, cool!

Clara: (in confessional) I was beginning to get worried. Ling-Ling was spending an awfully long time in the bathroom. I hoped Spanky hadn't turned him onto the wonders of smelling one's own feces.

Clara walks out of the bathroom and meets Foxxy in the hallway.

Foxxy: Hey, Clara. You just drop some friends off at the pool?

Clara: Don't be silly, Foxxy, I was in the bathroom. Have you seen Ling-Ling?

Foxxy: Yeah, I have.

Clara: (eagerly) Really? Where?

Foxxy: Downstairs on the couch about an hour ago.

Clara: Big help, Foxxy. He only left me 30 minutes ago.

Foxxy: That's right, Ling-Ling was sitting on the couch, and you were there on the couch with him. Does that tell you what you need to know?

Clara: It sure does, Foxxy. It tells me that the next I'm looking for someone, I should ask Toot.

Foxxy: But what if Toot's the person you're looking for? Aha, you see there? The Foxxy just run rings around you logically! I bet I just blew y'all's mind!

Clara: Yes, Foxxy, you brought my brain to a screeching halt. (Satisfied with herself, Foxxy walks off. Clara shrugs and opens the door to the room where Xandir is wrapping presents.)

Xandir: (annoyed) Oh, so now we're not even asking anymore if we can come in! That's just great! You know, sometimes I really feel like you people don't appreciate me!

Clara: I'm sorry, Xandir. It's too bad you got us for your roommates instead of a bunch of your fanboys from the internet!

Xandir: Did you want something, Clara?

Clara: Xandir, have you seen Ling-Ling?

Xandir: Oh, yeah, Ling-Ling's in here helping me wrap.

Clara: He is?

Xandir: He should be. Last time I saw him, he was right over there near those boxes. (points to boxes)

Clara: I bet he's lost under all this wrapping paper. (calls) Ling-Ling! Oh, Ling-Ling, where are you? I don't get it, Xandir, why doesn't he answer me?

Xandir: The entire world doesn't live at your beck and call, Clara. I swear, you just call someone's name and you expect them to drop everything they're doing and rush to your side!

Clara: God, Xandir, what crawled into your panties this morning? Oh, I'm sorry, Xandir, I shouldn't have said that. One good look at your ass should have told me you're not wearing any undergarments. In fact, you're barely wearing anything at all back there. (Xandir is irritated.) But enough about your quasi-wardrobe. Just help me find Ling-Ling under all this! (They continue sorting through the mess of wrapping paper.)

Xandir: (in confessional) We turned that room upside down searching for Ling-Ling. Well, actually, the room was already turned upside down. So I guess that means we turned it back right side up! (chuckles) Hee hee! I love that joke. (A caption suddenly appears on the screen: "You see, people? THIS is why we don't give Xandir that many funny lines!")

Clara: This doesn't make any sense! We've dug through every scrap of wrapping paper and we can't find Ling-Ling anywhere! Are you sure he didn't leave?

Xandir: No way. Ling-Ling never went through that door.

Clara: Are you sure you couldn't have just missed him? I mean, you were busy wrapping, Xandir, you might not have noticed.

Xandir: Wait! I just remembered! Last time I saw Ling-Ling, he was buried in a huge pile of red paper with green stripes and snowflakes.

Clara: I don't see any paper like that.

Xandir: Here, I'll show you. (He walks over to a row of newly wrapped presents.) I just used a bunch of it to wrap all these presents here! All we have to do is-

He looks back at Clara. Clara immediately gets a worried look on her face.

Clara: Oh, Xandir, don't tell me! (He begins to get extremely embarrassed.) I don't believe this, Xandir. (angrily) You wrapped my husband???

Xandir: I'm sorry, Clara, I didn't mean to do it! It was just that I got so wrapped up in my wrapping- (He suddenly breaks off and giggles. Clara glares at him. He stops.) Sorry.

Clara: Oh, my God, I hope he's all right! Which box is he in, Xandir? (She grabs him by his chest hair.) And if you do a Let's Make a Deal joke right now, I swear to God, I'll rip your head off with my bare hands and stuff it up your own ass!

Xandir: God, girlfriend, take a chill pill, why don't you? Don't go getting all Nicole Richie on me, okay?

Clara: What? (suddenly she notices a smell) Oh my God. What is that smell? It's very gross. It smells like something rotting, like a dead- (becomes alarmed) Oh my God! Ling-Ling!

She quickly determines that the smell is coming from inside one of the boxes. She tears open the box in question. With a look of dread, she opens it up. Immediately her expression changes to one of mild annoyance. She reaches into the box and pulls out a dead squirrel.

Clara: Not funny, Spanky! (We see Spanky standing in the doorway snickering. Outside in the hallway, Wooldoor passes by. He stops and looks in the room.)

Wooldoor: Oh, hey, Clara. I was just about to start my Bible studies and I wanted to see if you'd- (He sees the dead squirrel and goes into a panic.) OH MY GOD!!! (He rushes up to Clara and grabs the squirrel from her hand.) Whiskers! What have they done to you?

As the scene continues, Ling-Ling emerges from behind the large stack of Xandir's already wrapped presents. He walks up to Clara and stands beside her.

Spanky: Sorry, Wooldoor, but I found him out back choked on a nut. I was going to bring him in so we could have a funeral for him, but I thought this would be funnier.

Wooldoor: I guess you're right, Spanky. This IS a lot funnier.

Clara: Spanky, you had me worried for a minute. I thought that was Ling-Ling I smelled!

Ling-Ling: Hey, Ling-Ling may have forgotten to take shower this morning, but he not smell THAT bad! (Clara's eyes light up as she turns to Ling-Ling. Joyfully, she picks him up.)

Clara: Ling-Ling! You're alive!

Ling-Ling: (not understanding what the big deal is) Right. And?

Clara: Never mind, Ling-Ling. Let's just go back downstairs and get back to what we were doing.

Ling-Ling: Okay, that sound good. (They walk out together. As soon as they get downstairs, Ling-Ling turns to her.) Carla... before we get to romantic time, Ling-Ling need to talk to you about something. What was thing you said earlier about not wanting to have children?

Clara: Oh, that. Ling-Ling, I only meant that- (suddenly she realizes) Ohhhhh. Is that why you left, Ling-Ling? You were upset about what I said? I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. I didn't realize you were thinking about starting a family.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not thinking about starting family. Not yet at least. Well, maybe a little. Actually, Ling-Ling not sure. But if Carla not want to have kids, Ling-Ling okay with that. Carla more important to him than snot nosed brat molded in Ling-Ling's own image.

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling. It's not that I don't ever want to have kids. I'm just frightened about it, that's all. But for that matter, Ling-Ling- I was really frightened about marriage too. Even after we got married, the idea still terrified me. But I overcame my fears. And you know how I was able to do that? Because I knew that through it all, I'd have someone by my side who loved me so much, they could help me through anything. (They look at each other for a moment. She smiles at him.) I'm sure that the same would apply to having children.

Ling-Ling: You right, Carla. With Ling-Ling at your side, you never have to worry about being frightened about anything ever again.

Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling. I guess what I'm saying is... if you want children... then I'm up for it.

Ling-Ling: And if Carla not want children... Ling-Ling up for that too.

Clara: It sounds to me like neither of us is ready for this decision just yet. Tell you what, Ling-Ling. Let's give it some time and see how we feel about it. Then maybe later, when the time is right, we'll talk about it.

Ling-Ling: Sounds good to Ling-Ling.

They kiss. The scene starts to fade. However, before it goes black, Foxxy comes on.

Foxxy: Now hold up, y'all! We ain't done yet!

Cut to the living room. Foxxy, holding a marker, stands in front of a large dry-erase board on an easel. The other housemates plus Marty are sitting in assembly facing her.

Foxxy: All right, y'all. Now tonight we learned all about Christmas, and we even learned a little about Hanukkah. Now Foxxy's gonna teach you all about another holiday. The holiday called Kwanzaa!

Wooldoor: You're going to teach us all about Kwanzaa, Foxxy?

Fooxy: That's right, Wooldoor.

Toot: Do you even KNOW anything about Kwanzaa, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Of course I- (She suddenly stops. With a questioning look on her face, she thinks for a moment. Then she shrugs.) No, I guess I don't. Never mind then, y'all. (They all get up. As they begin looking toward the camera, Foxxy waves to the audience.) Happy holidays, everyone!

Wooldoor: (suddenly holding a pair of crutches) And God bless us every one! (Immediately, everyone else becomes exasperated.)

Toot: I told you he was gonna say it!

Hero: Damn, Spanky, I guess I owe you five bucks.

Clara: Okay, guys, so is there any Christmas cliché we have yet to mention?

Spanky: Nope. I guess that means it's time for the annual dropping of the holiday yule log. (He grabs a magazine and turns to walk away.) I'll see you guys in about ten minutes.

Spanky walks off. As the camera pulls out, we see the group begin to resume their activities. Clara and Ling-Ling cuddle up on the couch. Toot and Marty begin picking popcorn off the tree and throwing it at each other. Hero begins sticking mistletoe all over Foxxy's body, kissing her in each place as he does so. Wooldoor begins cavorting around aimlessly. Xandir stands looking huffy. The scene fades.

THE END