DTBL episode 17: Waiting for Timmy

[Raymond-Raymond]

WAITING FOR TIMMY

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where all the housemates except Foxxy and Xandir are in the living room watching TV. Spanky holds the remote, constantly clicking it.

Toot: Goddammit, Spanky, would you just pick a show already and leave it there?

Spanky: I wish I could do that, Toot. But you know how it is in this house. No matter what the show is, there’s always SOMEONE here who objects to it. Watch, I’ll show you. (He clicks.)

Clara: (gasps) No! That show is about seven people living in sin! It’ll corrupt our morals! (Spanky clicks.)

Wooldoor: Ooh, CSI!

Clara: No, Wooldoor, all those murders might give you nightmares.

Wooldoor: Oh, right. (Spanky clicks.)

Hero: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Are you kidding? I keep telling you people, I’m not gay! (Spanky clicks.)

Clara: Extreme Makeover? I’m sorry, but I find that show offensive.

Toot: Clara, it's not the regular Extreme Makeover, it's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. You know, the one with Ty Pennington, where they remodel people's houses?

Clara: I know! I find that offensive!

Toot: You find remodeling people’s homes offensive?

Clara: No, I find Ty Pennington offensive. He’s so smarmy and creepy. (Spanky shrugs and clicks again.)

Toot: An infomercial about those starving African brats? Keep clicking, Spanky. (Spanky clicks again.) Ooh, Food Network! I wonder what the secret ingredient is today.

TV: And today’s secret ingredient is… broccoli!

Wooldoor: Ewww, I hate broccoli! Turn it, Spanky! (Spanky clicks.)

Spanky: How about the home surgery channel?

Ling-Ling: (A look of panic crosses his face.) Aggghh! No! Ling-Ling not bear to see people cut up! Except ones he kill. (Spanky clicks again.)

Hero: I’m sorry, we can’t watch that one either. I had a very bitter breakup with one of the women on it, and I refuse to watch it anymore out of spite.

Toot: The Powerpuff Girls?

Hero: Yes.

Clara: Dammit, Hero, I thought I told you to leave Bubbles alone!

Spanky: Okay, look, guys, why don’t we just watch this? (He clicks.) Look, it’s our own show- Drawn Together! (The rest of the group all look at each other questioningly. Finally they all turn to Spanky in unison.)

Group: (shaking their heads) No.

Spanky: (to Toot) You see there? I can’t win.

Toot: Here, let me try! (She grabs the remote and turns it.) Here we go, you guys! Look- it’s The Simpsons!

Clara: Ugh. I don’t even like that show anymore.

Wooldoor: Yeah, it’s even more over the hill than Strom Thurmond.

Toot: It’s okay, you guys, it’s one of the good ones! It’s one of the early ones.

Homer: (on TV) Bart… have you been crossing the Potomac again with that George Washington person?

Bart: Don’t have a cow, man!

Homer: I wish we had a cow! Being a poor farmer sucks!

Marge: Well, that was still no excuse for you to take part in the Whiskey Rebellion, Homer!

Homer: But Marge… they said they’d give us whiskey! I’m tired of water and unpasteurized milk!

Marge: We would have plenty to drink if you kids hadn’t dressed up like Indians and dumped all that tea in Boston Harbor!

Bart: But Mom, all the kids were doing it!

Marge: If all the kids spent the harsh winter at Valley Forge with no food or blankets, would you do that too?

Lisa: Hey, look, Mom! I’m campaigning for women’s suffrage!

Marge: (gasps in horror) Lisa Simpson! You take those trousers off right now and quit dressing like a boy! And Homer, will you please learn to keep your powdered wig on straight?

As the housemates continue watching the show, Foxxy enters and stands behind them.

Foxxy: Hey, y’all, I got some big news! (They don’t hear her.)

Lisa: (on TV) Mom, I think Maggie’s got the cholera again!

Foxxy: I’m serious, you guys, this is really big! (They still ignore her.)

Marge (on TV): It’s not cholera, Lisa, I think it’s the consumption! We’d better get her to the medic right away!

Foxxy: Remember that thing I told you about last week that was really big? Well, this is even bigger than that! (They still do not listen.)

Homer: (on TV) Bart… didn’t I tell you not to beat the slaves?

Bart: (on TV) Awww Dad, how else am I going to try out this neat new cat o’nine tails I just got from Milhouse for a pound of butter?

Marge: (on TV) Now, Bart, if you don’t want Elder Wiggum to come put you in the stocks again, you’ll behave yourself!

Foxxy: I’m serious, you guys! The only way this news could be bigger would be if I just announced my virginity had grown back! (Everyone suddenly turns to her.)

Clara: Congratulations, Foxxy! It’s the most precious gift a woman can possess, and now you’re getting a second chance to do things right!

Foxxy: Shut up, Clara! Anyway, you guys, you remember me mentioning my son Timmy?

Toot: Wasn’t he the one you sold on the black market to pay your bills?

Foxxy: That’s the one.

Spanky: Wait a minute, I thought he went to an orphanage in Kansas City, Missouri.

Foxxy: That's right, he did.

Clara: Hold on a second. I thought you shot him because you thought he had rabies when he was actually just brushing his teeth.

Foxxy: Yeah, that’s right.

Hero: Now wait a minute. I thought Timmy was the one who you accidentally sucked up in a vacuum cleaner and threw out with the trash.

Foxxy: He was.

Wooldoor: You told me he was decapitated in a freak blender mishap gone horribly wrong.

Foxxy: That’s right, he was.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling thought Timmy get sentenced to life in prison for insider training.

Foxxy: He did.

Toot: Well, what about him?

Foxxy: Well, I just got a call from Child Services, and it looks like they might be giving him back to me! (Everyone is excited.)

Toot: Wow, Foxxy, really?

Foxxy: Really! The social worker’s coming by with him this afternoon to interview me, and if it goes well, they’re gonna put him back in my custody!

Clara: That’s great, Foxxy! I’m so happy for you!

Wooldoor: Wow, I’m going to have a new friend to play with! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wait, is he still a kid?

Spanky: Tell you what, Foxxy, why don’t you sit down and watch TV with us while you’re waiting for Timmy to come by?

Foxxy: That sounds like a good idea, Spanky. It’ll take my mind off the major plot developments that lie ahead. (Foxxy sits down. The group resumes watching TV.)

Krabappel: (on TV) Bartholomew Jefferson Simpson! You go to the blackboard and write out 500 times, “I will not overthrow the British monarchy in class!”

Bart: (on TV) Yes, Miss Krabappel!

CUE OPENING TITLES

Xandir: (in confessional) So then I said, “Well, yeah,” and he said, “Yeah,” and then I said, “Wow,” and then he said, “Seriously,” and then I said, “Oh my God,” then he said “Yeah,” then I said, “Wow,” and he said, “Seriously,” and I said, “Yeah”… and then he took it off. I mean, like, oh my God oh my God oh my God! I mean, seriously! (He looks down for a minute.) I’m glad we have this confessional room. I’d feel weird talking about all this private stuff in front of my housemates.

He gets up and walks out of the camera’s view. However, the scene does not change. As the camera stays on the empty confessional chair, we hear the sound of a door rattling.

Xandir: (voice) What’s the dealio? The door won’t open! (frustrated) Oh, it seems to be jammed! (He begins banging on the door.) Hey, guys! Guys! The confessional door is stuck! Could one of you guys come let me out? Guys?

Xandir sighs in frustration and walks back in view. He sits back down in the chair.

Xandir: (in confessional) So there I was, stuck in the confessional. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be stuck in there. I guess until one of my housemates needed to use it to talk about what was happening in the plot. So I decided to just sit tight and wait for the story to get going.

Cut to the living room where the remaining housemates are assembled, still watching TV.

Burns: (on TV) Dammit, Smithers! That boob Simpson ruined my plan to become a general in the Continental Army and use captured British POW’s for cheap labor in my sawmills!

Smithers: (on TV) That’s too bad, sir. Um, sir, may I clean your musket?

Burns: (on TV) Don’t be silly, Smithers, I left my gun at home.

Smithers: (on TV) I wasn’t talking about your gun, sir.

Wooldoor: Wow. I can’t believe that Timmy is actually going to be here in a little while! This is going to be such fun!

Foxxy: That’s right, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: I hope my son grows up to be a fine, upstanding citizen like Timmy one day!

Toot: Wait a minute, Wooldoor- you mean, you can procreate?

Wooldoor: Of course I can! I give birth all the time!

Foxxy: Whatchimawhat? You give birth?

Spanky: Wait a minute, you’re not talking about your feces, are you Wooldoor?

Toot: I bet he wants us all to come look in the toilet again.

Wooldoor: No, not that! I mean actual babies.

Hero: But even so, how can YOU give birth? You're a boy!

Wooldoor: Don’t you know that with Sockbats, it’s the males who give birth? It’s true!

Clara: I thought you reproduced through spores.

Wooldoor: No, it’s live birth.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling help Sockbat make stuff in Petri dish one time, what that about?

Wooldoor: Here, you guys, I’ll show you. Okay, now, one of you get me pregnant! (The group all look at each other in complete confusion.) Come on, you guys, doesn’t anyone want to impregnate me?

Spanky: Wow. It’s just like that time Toot tried to make us get her pregnant, only… weirder!

Clara: Um, Wooldoor… not that I’m interested or anything, but… how would we even DO that?

Foxxy: Yeah. Does it matter if we’re a man or a woman?

Hero: Or, if your name is Toot, both!

Toot: (glares) Or, if your name is Captain Hero, neither!

Ling-Ling: Or, if your name is Ling-Ling, of androgynous gender for first several episodes, then vaguely identified as male and only when it revealed he have penis do world finally realize he all man, dammit!

Wooldoor: Wait a mi- um, what?

Clara: Personally, Ling-Ling, I knew you were male all along! I noticed it the first time you looked in my eyes.

Toot: Wasn’t that when he threatened to kill you?

Clara: Yes. Ling-Ling and I have a humorous “how we met” story most couples can only dream of! We had just moved into the Drawn Together house together. My first week in the house had not been going well-

Toot: Oh, can it, princess, we know all that already! We were all there, remember? And besides, it has absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about!

Clara: I was lost in reverie, Toot! I was sharing a precious moment! Relevance to the situation at hand shouldn’t matter.

Foxxy: Speaking of relevance to the situation at hand- I think it’s about time we got back around to the really important issue going on today.

Hero: What’s that, Foxxy?

Foxxy: How Sockbats get pregnant!

Toot: So how’s it happen, Wooldoor?

Spanky: I guess it’s the same way as regular people. You turn the lights down low, put on a little Barry White. Or whatever the Sockbat equivalent of that would be.

Wooldoor: It would be Weird Al Yankovic, actually. Nothing gets a Sockbat in the mood for lovin’ like some good old-fashioned Weird Al music.

Hero: Is that why I found you outside Unusually Flexible Girl’s window that one time holding up a boom box playing, “The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota”?

Wooldoor: Of course! And then I serenaded her with “Smells Like Nirvana”. But that’s beside the point. No, watch, I’ll show you how Sockbats get pregnant. (He gets up and stands in front of the group.) Now for this trick, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience. (He looks around for a minute, then points.) How about this lovely young lady right here?

Toot: Me?

Wooldoor: Yes, you! You are the lucky lady who will assist me!

Toot: Okay! (She springs up excitedly and runs up to Wooldoor in the center of the room.) Yay! It’s me! I finally got picked for something! In school, none of the kids liked me. That’s why I always got picked last for basketball.

Foxxy: Um, Toot, I don’t think you getting picked last for basketball had as much to do with the kids not liking you as it did the fact you’re only slightly taller than Gary Coleman.

Toot: I may have been short, but I had a hell of a hook shot!

Clara: Yes, Toot, but you’re not allowed to hit the other players!

Toot: Anyway… um, before we do this, Wooldoor… will I be touching your peepee?

Wooldoor: No, that won’t be necessary.

Toot: (somewhat disappointed) Oh. Okay.

Wooldoor: Now first, put your hands on my shoulders. (She does so.)

Toot: Okay.

Wooldoor: Now bend me backwards.

Toot: Okay. (She bends him back.)

Wooldoor: Now, then. (He looks directly in her eyes. His voice suddenly becomes seductive.) Kiss me, you fool.

Toot: (shrugs) Okay.

Toot leans in and kisses Wooldoor. The other housemates look at each other not knowing how to react. Their kiss continues for several moments, seemingly becoming more passionate with every passing second. Except for an extremely excited Hero, everyone is in a complete state of disbelief.

Clara: Now correct me if I’m wrong. Are we watching Toot make out with Wooldoor?

Spanky: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what it looks like.

Hero: Oh my God, you guys! This is so romantic! You guys are my new OTP! I’m totally gonna ship you now! I'm gonna start writing fanfiction about you right away! (Foxxy looks on the scene disapprovingly.)

Foxxy: (walking up to the couple) No, no, no, you’re doing it all wrong! Toot, while you’re playing tongue hockey with Wooldoor, you need to slide your other hand down his back and fondle his bottom. That way you maximize your makin’ out efficiency. And Wooldoor, if you could, you need to slide yo’ foot over and start rubbin’ her foot with it. (They ignore her.) Come on, you people. This is not hot! Not hot at all! (sighs) Oh well, guess the Foxxy’s just gonna have to make the rest happen in her mind. (She walks away. After a moment, Toot and Wooldoor finally stop kissing.)

Toot: Like that?

Wooldoor: Yeah, like that. Now, then, put your hand in my mouth.

Toot: Have you brushed?

Wooldoor: Yes.

Toot: Can I put a glove on?

Wooldoor: No, I need the tongue to skin contact.

Toot: Wooldoor… you’d better not be doing this to satisfy some weird fetish you have.

Wooldoor: I’m not, I promise!

As Toot puts her hand in Wooldoor’s mouth, the camera pans over to Foxxy, who is now holding a notepad. She has it opened to a page with “New fetishes to try” written at the top. Already written on the page is a list containing “in the nostrils”, “in an oxygen tent”, and “naked ninja”. Foxxy adds at the bottom, “puttin’ yo hands in Wooldoor’s mouth”. The scene cuts back to Toot and Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: All right, ladies and gentlemen, in just a few short moments, I, Wooldoor Sockbat, am going to give birth! Stand back, everyone!

Toot sits back down. Wooldoor begins doing a dance similar to the one he did in “Clum Babies” He begins having spasms.

Wooldoor: Look out, everyone! Here it comes!

Wooldoor begins moving spastically and retching. Finally, he freezes in place, and with one mighty muscle movement, he expels something from his mouth. The others gather round to look at it. We see that it is nothing more than a large amount of phlegm.

Wooldoor: (heartbroken) Oh no! I had a miscarriage!

Toot: (comforting him) Oh, well. I suppose our love child just wasn’t meant to be. But at least we’ll always have the memories of that one magical time we had together. (She pats him sorrowfully. However, Wooldoor ignores her.)

Wooldoor: So does anyone want to play a game or anything?

Clara: Oh, I know! We could play 20 questions! I’ll go first.

Foxxy: Clara, are you kidding?

Clara: That’s right, Foxxy, you guessed me! Now it’s your turn!

Foxxy: Does anyone want to suggest something else we can do?

Hero: I have an idea!

Everyone looks at Hero.

(to be continued…)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Hero: I know a game we can play! Let’s play “Who Would You Do?”

Foxxy: Ooh, I like that game! I’ll start. And you have to answer even if you don’t swing that way. Though the Foxxy highly recommends giving it a try from time to time. Okay, first pairing: Brandon Routh or Mr. Incredible?

Toot: Mr. Incredible? But he’s a cartoon!

Spanky: Um, Toot… so are you.

Toot: Good point. In that case, I choose Mr. Incredible. He’d be less likely to reject me for being fat.

Wooldoor: I would also choose Mr. Incredible. He reminds me a lot of Captain Hero! (They look at him with skewed glances.)

Spanky: Is there something going on you’re not telling us about, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: You mean, besides the illegal speakeasy I’m running out of our laundry room? Nope, not a thing!

Spanky: Never mind. Now I would choose Brandon Routh. (He thinks for a minute.) I don’t really know why, though.

Foxxy: Good choice, Spanky. I done ‘em both, so I know what of I speak!

Hero: Now hold on a minute, Foxxy. When could you have possibly done anything with Mr. Incredible?

Toot: He’s been faithfully married to some stretchy chick since before you were born. Elasti-something or other. You might know her. She kinda rips off Unusually Flexible Girl.

Foxxy: Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

Hero: Toot’s right, though. He would never cheat on his wife. And besides, he’s probably too old to do it by now anyway.

Foxxy: What are you talking about? Mr. Incredible ain’t old! He’s very young and limber.

Spanky: Limber is not a word I would use to describe Mr. Incredible, Foxxy. He was very strong and muscular.

Foxxy: No he ain’t! He’s thin, wiry, and he runs REAL fast. (The group all look at each other.)

Toot: Foxxy, that wasn’t Mr. Incredible.

Foxxy: Yes it was! He had the blond hair and blue eyes, and he wore the red supersuit with the lowercase “I” on his chest!

Spanky: Foxxy, that was his son! Dash!

Foxxy: Don’t be ridiculous! Dash is a little boy!

Toot: He was a little boy in the movie, but that was years ago! He’s all grown up now!

Foxxy: Grown up? You mean, he got older?

Toot: Ding ding ding ding ding! And it’s Foxxy Love for the win!

Foxxy: But I thought he was a cartoon character!

Spanky: Right.

Foxxy: And he aged? (The rest suddenly realize Foxxy has a point.)

Wooldoor: We didn’t think of that. Wow… that makes my head spin. Kind of like that time I got stuck in the dishwasher for six hours and you guys didn’t notice until you’d already finished three loads.

Foxxy: So anyway. How about you, Clara? Who would you do?

Clara: What do you mean?

Foxxy: I mean Brandon Routh or Mr. Incredible. Who would you do it with?

Clara: Do what with? You mean, like, have a picnic? Play checkers? Do magnetic poetry? You’ll have to be more specific, Foxxy.

Foxxy: You know… it! The act! The deed! (Clara is still confused.) Have sex!

Clara: Ohhhhhhh. Wait a minute. You want to know which of those two guys I would rather have sex with?

Toot: Yes! It’s a game, Clara. You pick one of the two.

Clara: But I couldn’t have sex with either of them even if I wanted to. I’m married, remember?

Ling-Ling: Just pretend Ling-Ling not around.

Clara: Why aren’t you around? I mean, what happened to you?

Ling-Ling: Just pretend I die in horrible accident and Carla single now.

Clara: (becoming tearful) You died in a horrible accident? Oh my God, Ling-Ling! What will I ever do without you?

Ling-Ling: It okay, Carla. Just think of happy reunion with Ling-Ling in heaven one day when Carla die. Only, don’t kill self. Ling-Ling can wait. Goddammit people, how Ling-Ling get talking about this?

Toot: Clara, just pretend you and Ling-Ling haven’t met yet. Who would you do?

Clara: Well, before Ling-Ling and I met, I was living at the castle with my father, but he didn’t allow me to date.

Spanky: Hypothetically, Clara. Pretend it’s some kind of alternate reality where you and Ling-Ling don’t know each other, you’re not living with your father, and you’re free and single and in complete control of your own life. Now who would you do?

Clara: Well, let’s see. Brandon is certainly cute. But I think Mr. Incredible is nicer, and he’d probably be a much better provider for me.

Toot: What’s being a good provider got to do with anything?

Clara: Toot, I have to consider the long term. I mean, how am I ever going to make a marriage work with one of these men if I don’t think about these things?

Foxxy: Clara, the question wasn’t who would you marry, it was who would you have sex with?

Clara: Right. But before we have sex, we have to get married. And for that, I have to think about which one I’d be more compatible with over the long haul. (The rest all sigh in exasperation.) Are either of them Catholic, do you know?

Toot: Oh, never mind!

Wooldoor: Hey, you guys, I think I figured it out

Foxxy: Figured what out?

Wooldoor: Why I had a miscarriage.

Clara: Because the whole notion is silly?

Wooldoor: No! It’s because Toot’s infertile! (Toot is shocked.) Now if I perform the ritual with someone who still has some swimmers that can get off their asses every once in a while, I bet I can make it work! (He looks at Clara.) Clara?

Clara: You’d better be joking, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Awww, but Clara, you’re my best friend! And what’s more beautiful than two friends coming together and having a child?

Clara: You’re right, Wooldoor. That’s really sweet and romantic. I’m sorry I mocked you, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: So will you do it, Clara? You know, the best thing about Sockbat sex is that technically, you’ll still be a virgin.

Clara: As tempting as that is, Wooldoor, I’m still going to have to pass.

Hero: I thought *I* was your best friend, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: Oh, Captain Hero, you are! (He turns to Hero. They look at each other for a moment. Romantic music begins to swell. In a moment of passion they run toward each other. They lock hands and look dreamily into each other’s eyes.) Does this mean… you’ll father my love child?

Hero: Oh, Wooldoor- (The music stops. Hero suddenly lets go of Wooldoor’s hands and turns away from him.) No way, dude, that sounds totally gay!

Wooldoor: Oh, well. Unusually Flexible Girl’s coming over later. I’d rather have a love child with her anyway.

Toot: This is boring, you guys. Can we turn the TV back on?

Spanky: Sounds good to me. (He clicks.)

Foxxy: Is The Simpsons still on?

Wooldoor: Yeah, but it’s a different episode. One from later on in the series. But it’s okay, it’s still from when the show was still good.

Flanders: (on TV) Howdy ho, neighbors!

Homer: (on TV) What do you want, Flanders? Come to spread more of your abolitionist crap?

Flanders: (on TV) Of course not! The wife and I just wanted to invite you to our home for dinner in honor of Mr. Lincoln! In fact, you can meet him right now! (Lincoln pops in the door.)

Lincoln: (on TV) Hey, guys.

Clara: Ugh, I hate all the celebrity cameos they do!

Bart: (on TV) Excuse me. Mr. Lincoln? I heard about this Gettysburg Address you’re planning to give. Do you think you could possibly make it shorter? It’ll be easier for us schoolkids to memorize.

Lincoln: (on TV) I’ll do what I can, son.

Bart: (on TV) Oh, and this Emancipation Proclamation thing you’re doing? Could you emancipate me too while you’re at it?

Homer: (on TV) Bart, I told you if you ever mentioned emancipation again, I’d sign you up for Bull Run!

Bart: (on TV) Awwwwww!

Homer: (on TV) Don’t complain or it’s First AND Second Bull Run!

Toot: So, Foxxy. How long has it been since you’ve seen Timmy?

Foxxy: Too long. In fact, I haven’t seen him since the day he got his shoelaces caught on the exhaust pipe of a Greyhound Bus and got dragged all the way to St. Louis!

Clara: I have an idea, Foxxy! Why don’t we help you prepare for your interview?

Foxxy: That’s a great idea, Clara!

Wooldoor: Let’s role-play! I’ll be Timmy, Clara can be the social worker, and Captain Hero can be Foxxy!

Foxxy: Wait a minute. Shouldn’t I be Foxxy?

Wooldoor: Dammit, are we gonna have to have auditions for this thing now?

Toot: Here, I’ll go first. I want to audition for Foxxy! (She stands up. She holds up a finger sternly.) Oh no you di’n’t! Oh, it is on! But before I fight you, I have to do something real quick. (She jumps on Captain Hero and simulates having sex with him.) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Give it to me! Give it to the Foxxy! (She jumps off Hero. She grabs a surprised Ling-Ling and stuffs him down her dress.) Uh oh, looks like I’m pregnant again! (She lifts up the bottom of her dress and Ling-Ling tumbles out.) Whew, what a difficult birth! (She picks up Ling-Ling, who is still too shocked to do anything, and turns to Clara.) Oh, Child Services, I’m sorry I was a terrible mother! Please don’t take him away from me! Oh well, but if it’s what you have to do, then I guess I’m powerless to stop you! (She shoves Ling-Ling into Clara’s arms.) Now, then. Time to begin the cycle again. Who’s next? (She jumps on Foxxy, who quickly gets up.)

Foxxy: All right, all right, all right, you can have the part! Damn, what’s a sister gotta do to get some respect around here?

Clara: Well, for one-

Foxxy: Don’t even start, Clara! In fact, you know what? If Toot’s playing me- I want to play Clara!

Clara: Me? But what have I got to do with-

Foxxy: Hush, Clara. (begins) Hi, I’m Clara. And isn’t Jesus just the best thing ever? (gasps) Oh my God, why y’all is just bein’ a bunch of sinners! Why, I’m just gonna have to go raise a big stink about it and spend the whole episode preaching to y’all about how wrong it is and just generally making y’all’s lives miserable! That is, if I’m not too busy not having sex!

Clara: Ha, ha, Foxxy, very funny. I don’t do that and you know it.

Toot: Of course you do! You’re all the time raising a stink about things and not having sex.

Clara: I didn’t mean that, Toot! I meant I never say “y’all”! I mean, three times in one speech, Foxxy? Have you ever considered cracking open a grammar book?

Toot: That would require her knowing how to read.

Foxxy: Now goddammit, y’all, how many times has the Foxxy gotta tell you she ain’t illiterate! She can read and write just fine!

Toot: Maybe SHE can. But can YOU?

Foxxy: Are you making fun of the way I talk now?

Clara: Absolutely not, Foxxy! We sure as shizzizzle in the hizzizzle wouldn’t do thatizzle!

Toot: That's rightizzle!

Foxxy: Is the Foxxy gonna have to smack a couple of bitches?

Toot: You think you can take me? Bring it on! (The phone starts ringing. Ling-Ling gets up and walks over to answer it.)

Clara: Yeah, me too! We’ll teach Foxxy she can’t push US around!

Foxxy: Well, then, you guys! It is on!

Spanky: Woohoo! Oh, my God, Hero, are you believing this?

Hero: It seems almost too good to be true!

Spanky: A three-way catfight! It’s like all my wildest dreams are coming true all at once! (As Spanky, Hero, and Wooldoor watch them intensely, the women continue.)

Foxxy: I’m gonna give the both of you one last chance to take back what you said.

Toot: NEVER!!!

Clara: Foxxy, there’s no such word as “gonna”. The term is “going to”. I’m “going to” make you take it back.

Foxxy: The Foxxy ain’t taken back nothin’! Clara and Toot’s the ones that’s gonna be doin’ all the back takin’! And you know what that means!

Clara: No, what?

Foxxy: (forgetting) Um… well, I know it meant something. I’m pretty sure it was something important, too. (The women try to remember for a moment. Finally, Toot speaks up.)

Toot: Um… it’s on?

Foxxy: Right! It is ON! (As the women begin fighting, Ling-Ling puts down the phone and walks over to them.)

Ling-Ling: Um, guys? Guys, Ling-Ling have something to tell you all.

Toot: Not now, Ling-Ling, we’re fighting!

Ling-Ling: Guys, please! What Ling-Ling have to say very important!

Spanky: Dammit, Ling-Ling, how many times have I got to tell you not to interrupt the women while they’re catfighting!

Ling-Ling: All right… you all leave Ling-Ling no choice.

Ling-Ling rises up in the air and begins forming a giant energy ball. He begins to emit a powerful glow which catches the women in their tracks.

Toot: What the hell?

Ling-Ling: You let Ling-Ling speak right now or he kill you all! Except Carla, of course. He punish her by not making her dinner tonight.

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, I’m so sorry! (She runs over to Ling-Ling and picks him up.) What was it you wanted to tell us?

Ling-Ling: Chocolate animal woman… there phone call for you. Child Services. It about Timmy.

Foxxy: I’ll get it right away, Ling-Ling! (As the rest of the group look on anxiously, Foxxy picks up the phone and begins speaking.) Hello, this is Foxxy Love. How can I help you? Yes, I am. No, I didn’t. (She gasps) Oh, no, he did? How come? Was there anything left? (She becomes sad.) And you can’t find the other end? Did you look in his bedroom? Well, what about that other thing? No. No, I suppose he couldn’t. (She suddenly becomes shocked again.) In a what? What the hell was he doing in there? His mama told him to? But I’m his mama! His what? She told him to put it in there? What do you mean, broken? And what do you mean I’m probably starting to sound like Bob Newhart to the people around me? No, I guess it ain’t your fault. I just wish I could have been there to tell him I loved him. You know, before the bulb went out. Thanks, anyway, though. (Very sad, Foxxy hangs up the phone.) It looks like Timmy ain’t gonna be showing up today after all.

Clara: Foxxy, I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?

Foxxy: Maybe later, Clara. But thanks for offering.

Toot: Hey, I know what you can do. Why don’t you go into the confessional and talk about how you feel?

Foxxy: Thanks, Toot. That sounds like a good idea.

Wooldoor: Wait. Does this mean no catfight?

Xandir: (in confessional) You know, it was really beginning to bug me that I’ve been stuck in this confessional the entire episode and none of my housemates had the courtesy to come check on me! I mean, do they think they’re too good to help Xandir or something? Do they think the show’s more entertaining when Xandir’s not in it? Well, I got news for them! I’ve got more fans on the internet than all of them put together! You know what? I’m not gonna take it anymore! I’m going to quit this stupid show and go star in my own series which I bet’ll get twice the ratings this thing does! And then I’m going to gather up my legions of fanboys and bring them together in a march on the Drawn Together house, where we’ll wield our swords and show off our tight little asses and bring them all down to their knees! And maybe make them perform oral sex on us while they’re down there. It’ll be beautiful! (He tries to laugh.) Ha ha ha! No, wait, that wasn’t really an evil laugh. Let me try again. Hee hee hee! No, that’s even worse. Now let me think, who had a good laugh? Oh, I know, I’ll just do what my parents did when I told them I had a girlfriend! (He begins laughing hysterically.) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

While Xandir is laughing, the door to the confessional suddenly opens.

Foxxy: Xandir? What the hell are you doing?

Xandir: (stops laughing. With a look of surprise, he turns to face Foxxy.) Oh, hi, Foxxy! I was just practicing my evil laugh. You know, in case I ever get wooed to the dark side or something.

Foxxy: Have you been in here the whole episode?

Xandir: Yeah, the door jammed, and I’ve been stuck in here. Did you not know I was here?

Foxxy: Wow. I guess we really don’t do as many confessional bits as we used to.

Xandir: That’s okay. Did you need to use the confessional, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Yeah, if you don’t mind.

Xandir: Sure, that’s cool. I’ll talk to you later!

Xandir walks out. Foxxy closes the door and sits down.

Foxxy: (in confessional)The Foxxy was- um… I forgot what I came in here for. What was it I was gonna talk about? Oh, well, I guess it couldn’t have been too important! Since I ain’t got nothin’ to say, I guess I’ll go back and join my housemates.

Foxxy gets up and starts to leave. However, when she tries opening the door, she finds it won’t open. She begins to get worried. She keeps trying to open the door, but it remains stuck.

Foxxy: Oh no! (She begins banging on the door.) Help! Help! Hey could one of y’all come let me out? Come on, one of you gots to be able to hear me!

Foxxy sighs in frustration and walks away from the door. She sits back down in the confessional chair, folds her arms, and looks at the camera, extremely annoyed.

Foxxy: (in confessional) Goddammit!


THE END