DTBL episode 18: Frisbees of Fury

[Raymond-Raymond]

FRISBEES OF FURY

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the bathroom where Wooldoor sits on a stool smiling happily while Hero and Spanky are busy attaching hair to him.

Spanky: Put a little more on his other arm. (Hero does so.)

Wooldoor: (in confessional) I was so excited. The local beach was reopening after being closed for a long time due to some incident involving Spanky, a hippopotamus, and a barrel of shaving cream, and we were all going to make a trip there together to celebrate! I couldn’t figure out why Hero and Spanky wanted to stick hair all over me, though.

Wooldoor: Um, guys, why are we doing this again?

Spanky: I keep telling you, Wooldoor, we’re doing this to help you score with chicks. Chicks really dig a guy with a hairy chest, don’t you know? Look at Captain Hero! (Wooldoor looks over at Captain Hero, who pulls up his shirt to reveal a shag rug plainly strapped around his chest.) See?

Wooldoor: You’re right, Spanky! But how come you’re putting hair all over the rest of my body too?

Hero: Because, Wooldoor, if your chest is hairier than the rest of you, it won’t look right.

Wooldoor: Ohhhhh. I see. Carry on, then. (As Hero continues gluing hair to Wooldoor, we see Spanky snickering.)

Cut to the girls’ bedroom. Toot sits on the bed wearing a black one-piece bathing suit while Foxxy, wearing her normal outfit, searches for something. Clara steps into the doorway wearing her swimsuit, a light beach jacket, a big floppy hat, and sandals.

Clara: You guys about ready to go?

Toot: In a minute. Foxxy’s still trying to find her swimsuit.

Foxxy: Now I know I had it around here someplace! Let’s see now, the last time I had it was when Captain Hero and I was role-playing Star Wars.

Clara: Let me guess. The Princess Leia scene?

Foxxy: Princess who? No, we was pretending to be Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid.

Clara: But neither of those two was in Star Wars, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Star what?

Toot: I think Foxxy meant whores, not wars.

Foxxy: Yeah, you know, star whores. Celebrity prostitutes. Big name hookers. A-list call girls.

Clara: Ah, I see. (She looks over at Toot.) Toot- you’re wearing a one-piece bathing suit now?

Toot: Yeah. After that whole mess with the fishnets, I decided I didn’t want guys staring at my body anymore. Besides, now that I have a boyfriend, the peep show is officially closed for business.

Clara: Well, Toot, I couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve finally learned that a woman doesn’t have to expose flesh to be attractive to others. Now if I could only teach Foxxy the same thing!

Foxxy: (still unable to find her suit, completely oblivious to what Clara is saying) I suppose I could always just go nekkid. I wonder if this is one of them type of beaches. (dismissively) Ehhh, like anyone ever complains when I do it anyway.

Toot: Does that apply to guys too, Clara?

Clara: You bet it does! There’s some guys around here who could stand to learn a thing or two about modesty.

Toot: Like, say… Xandir.

Clara: Exactly. Wow, I’d hate to think what Xandir’s going to wear to the beach today.

Toot: Yeah, I can’t think of anything that would show off more skin than what he usually wears.

Xandir: (popping into doorway) Hey, guys!

Clara: Oh, hi, Xandir. Are you- (She sees him and jumps nervously.) Eek! (We see that Xandir is wearing Foxxy’s leopard print bikini.)

Xandir: What do you think? Not bad, eh?

Clara: (apprehensively) Foxxy… Foxxy, we’ve got a situation here! You’d better come over here right now!

Foxxy: I will, Clara, just as soon as I find my- (She sees Xandir) AGGH! Xandir! What the hell is you doin’ wearing the Foxxy’s swimsuit?

Xandir: I’m sorry, Foxxy, I just thought it would look cute on me!

Clara: So are you just taking clothes from ALL of us now, Xandir? (He pouts at Clara.)

Foxxy: Xandir, I was gonna make you take that thing off and give it back to me, but now I’m not sure I wanna do that.

Toot: Don’t want to go in where Xandir has been? (Foxxy looks at her and thinks for a moment.)

Foxxy: Give me back my bikini, Xandir! Right now!

Clara: (turning away) Please! Give me a chance to avert my eyes first!

Xandir: Oh, please, Foxxy, can’t I wear it? As the only person in this house without a romantic partner, I have a right to be the sexiest one! Cause I’m sexy and single!

Clara: I used to complain about how I was never allowed to date. Now I’m thankful for it.

Foxxy: Fine, Xandir. If you’s that hard up for attention, you can keep the damn bikini!

Xandir: (giddy) Yay! (squeals excitedly) Thanks, Foxxy! I’ll see you guys later! (He runs off.)

Foxxy: Now what am I gonna wear?

Clara: It’s okay, Foxxy. You can wear my swimsuit.

Foxxy: But then, what would YOU wear? Nothing?

Clara: Well…

As soon as she says this, Spanky, Hero, and Wooldoor (still covered in hair) suddenly rush in and stand in the doorway around Clara, looking at her eagerly, their tongues almost hanging out.

Clara: Ling-Ling, help!

Ling-Ling suddenly appears in the back and hops over the cluster of guys and positions himself in front of Clara. He stares at the others angrily.

Ling-Ling: All right, people, move along, show over, nothing to see here! You gawk at Ling-Ling’s woman, he kill you all! (As Ling-Ling begins shooing them out, the guys reluctantly pull back and start to walk away.)

Spanky: Damn, I was hoping when Clara got married, she’d give up this virgin angle and start acting like the whore she really was. You know, like Jessica Simpson did. No such luck, I suppose. (They leave. Clara picks up Ling-Ling.)

Clara: Thanks again, Ling-Ling. (She kisses him.)

Ling-Ling: Dammit, when you people going to learn to quit mentioning Carla and nudity in same breath? You know how people react in this house! It like that time Ling-Ling lived in petting zoo for short while.

Foxxy: Anyway, Clara, thanks for letting me have your swimsuit. I just hope the alternative won’t mean sacrificing your modesty.

Clara: Not at all, Foxxy. In fact, I’m glad. Now I can wear one of my other outfits and expose even less flesh than I would anyway! (to Ling-Ling) Sorry, Ling-Ling, I guess I won’t get to be a bathing beauty for you today.

Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling can wait until tonight. (As Clara cuddles Ling-Ling, Foxxy and Toot look at each other with alarm.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

Spanky: (in confessional) So we loaded ourselves into the van and set out for the beach. It was a perfect day for it, nice and sunny. And the scenery was nice, too. Of course, it was kind of hard to enjoy the car ride there because Wooldoor kept complaining during the whole trip.

Cut to the group in the van. Foxxy drives while Clara sits next to her holding Ling-Ling. Xandir and Toot are in the next seat back, with Hero and Spanky in the seat behind that one. Wooldoor is blocked from the camera’s view.

Wooldoor: Can we stop again? I’m hot!

Spanky: How can you be hot, Wooldoor? You don’t have anything on!

In the driver’s seat, Foxxy suddenly perks up. Clara looks over at her.

Clara: Foxxy, don’t.

Foxxy: Sorry, Clara, it’s just a reflex action.

Wooldoor: Nothing on but all this hair you guys put on me!

Hero: Don’t worry, Wooldoor, you’ll thank us for it later.

Wooldoor: I hope so. I mean, I’d hate to think you guys were just trying to make me look foolish! (Hero and Spanky shift in their seats, allowing us to finally see Wooldoor for the first time. He is dressed up to look like a dog.)

Spanky: We would never do that, Wooldoor!

Hero: We only have YOUR interests at heart.

Spanky: So why don’t you just relax and enjoy the ride, okay?

Wooldoor: Well… okay! (He lightens up and begins getting excited.) So when are we gonna get there, guys? Huh? Huh?

Spanky: Soon, Wooldoor, soon! (They turn away. Wooldoor goes over to the window.)

Wooldoor: I’m still hot. I need to get some air! (He rolls down the window and sticks his head out. From outside the van, we see a shot of the vehicle speeding down the highway with Wooldoor leaning out the window with his tongue hanging out.)

The shot changes to Clara in the front passenger seat. She has set Ling-Ling down next to her and is busy rubbing lotion all over her body.

Foxxy: Damn, Clara, that sure is a lot of lotion you be puttin’ on! That must be one wicked ass tan you’re going for!

Clara: (still applying the lotion) This isn’t suntan lotion, Foxxy, it’s sunblock.

Foxxy: Sunblock?

Clara: Right. I can’t tan, so I have to protect myself. (Xandir leans up.)

Xandir: Wait a minute, Clara. You mean to say you can’t tan at ALL?

Clara: Yes, Xandir, not everyone possesses the ability to become golden bronze like yourself.

Xandir: Wow, I don’t know what to make of this. I have a better tan than Clara… and apparently always will. (He begins smiling triumphantly.)

Toot: Even though your tan is totally fake? Please, I’ve seen that bottle of bronzer you keep in the bathroom!

Xandir: That’s not bronzer, it’s um… cough medicine for Wooldoor.

Clara: Oh, did you get Munchausen by proxy too, Xandir? I liked to use drain cleaner myself.

Xandir: Very funny, Clara. You know, I just can’t get over this. I guess the fact that you never gain weight is balanced out by the fact that you’re also a vampire. Me, on the other hand- the sun just LOVES!

Clara: I’m sure if we asked Captain Hero nicely, he’d be glad to hurl you into it!

Xandir: All right, fine, Clara, I’m sorry, I’ll stop teasing you.

Clara: Thank you, Xandir. (pauses) You know, that’s the problem with having skin as light as mine is. You can hardly be in the sun at all without burning.

A worried look suddenly crosses Toot’s face. She holds her completely white arms and hands out in front of her and looks at them, then shifts her glance down to her equally pasty legs and feet. She begins to panic.

Toot: Um, Clara?

Clara: What is it, Toot?

Toot: Can I borrow some of that sunblock?

Clara: Sure, I’ll get some out for you. (She starts to squeeze a dab into her hand, but Toot stops her.)

Toot: Never mind, I’ll just take the bottle, if that’s okay! (She grabs the bottle and squirts big streaming gobs of it over her entire body, then begins ferociously rubbing it in.)

Hero: Would it be in bad taste to get a pool going over who goes home the reddest?

Spanky: (thinks) Yeah. Yeah, I think it would.

Hero: I see.

Spanky: (pulls out clipboard and pencil and begins writing) Okay, so I’m gonna put Clara down at 3 to 2 odds and Toot as even money. Who do you like?

The scene fades. The shot changes to the group walking across the parking lot to the beach’s entrance. Wooldoor is walking on all fours.

Wooldoor: So why am I walking on all fours again, guys?

Spanky: For practice, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Practice for what?

Spanky: You know… in case we ever have to walk around on all fours someday.

Wooldoor: Oh, okay! Wow, this is going to be great, you guys! I can’t wait to hit the beach! I wanna go swimming, and play volleyball, and eat lots of candy, and kill a shark, and get a hot dog, and torpedo an enemy submarine, and rescue immigrant defectors in a life raft, and eat some ice cream, and-

Hero: Um, Wooldoor, you’re not going to have time to do any of that.

Wooldoor: I’m not?

Hero: Well, maybe a couple of those things. But you’re going to be busy spending most of the day playing with Spanky and me!

Wooldoor: Wow, so the three of us are going to spend the day playing together? That sounds like such fun! I can’t wait to get started! In fact, I’m almost- (Suddenly he stops. The happy expression on his face disappears as he begins staring at something.)

Spanky: Wooldoor, you coming?

Wooldoor: Oh my God… (We see what Wooldoor is staring at. In front of him is a sign reading, “Frisbee dog competition today”.) So THAT’S the reason you guys dressed me up like this! You want me to be your Frisbee dog! Well, nothing doing!

Hero: Wooldoor, come on! We’re counting on you!

Wooldoor: No way! Why couldn’t you just get a real dog?

Spanky: Are you kidding? Do you know how long it takes to train one of those things to catch a Frisbee in its mouth?

Wooldoor: About ten minutes.

Spanky: Well, excuse me for not having that kind of time on my hands!

Hero: Come on, Wooldoor, you’re a GREAT dog! Remember that time I took you hunting? You were fantastic!

Wooldoor: You shot me!

Hero: Okay, so maybe *I* sucked, but *you* were great! Now, come on, Wooldoor, let’s practice catching Frisbees before the competition starts.

Wooldoor: Well, all right. (He sighs.) Why do I always have to be so pliable?

Cut to the group walking down to the beach. As they walk through the opening in the railing along the beach wall, Hero and Wooldoor run off to go play Frisbee. Clara and Toot pause in front of two deck chairs containing extremely large parasols.

Clara: This ought to be sufficient, I’d say. (She sets her bag down, removes her sandals, sits down in the chair and reclines back. Toot follows suit.) We should be out of the sun here.

Toot: I think so. All the same, can I have some more of that sunblock?

Clara: Sure thing. (She passes the sunblock to Toot, who begins rubbing more on herself.) Let me have it back when you’re done, okay? (Toot nods.)

Xandir: Hey, Foxxy, I have an idea! Let’s have a contest to see who can get more guys!

Foxxy: Good idea, Xandir. I’ll go first. (She steps out and shakes her shoulders a little, then reaches down to the top of her swimsuit, only to find it won’t move.) Clara, what the hell is wrong with this swimsuit of yours? I can’t get it to go down!

Clara: That’s as far down as it goes, Foxxy. It’s designed that way.

Foxxy: Man, leave it to Clara to come up with a flash-proof swimsuit! Oh, well, guess I’ll just have to do this the old-fashioned way. (She cups her hands to her mouth and begins to shout.) Hey all y’alls men on the beach! We got a hot black chick with big melons who’s really easy right here fo’ the takin’! Now who’s interested?

Immediately, just about every man on the beach suddenly rushes up and gathers around Foxxy looking extremely eager.

Foxxy: Don’t wait up, y’all! (Foxxy begins walking down the beach with all the men trailing after her. Xandir begins running after them.)

Xandir: Hey, guys! Wait a minute, guys! I’m really easy too! Can’t I have one of you? (They disappear out of sight. Toot hands the sunblock back to Clara who begins applying another coat to herself.)

Spanky: Toot, I couldn’t help but notice that when you got into your deck chair, your foot was twitching. Did you step on something painful?

Toot: I think I might have stepped on a pebble or something.

Spanky: Actually, it looked like a jellyfish to me.

Toot: You think I stepped on a jellyfish?

Spanky: Yes. Now as we all know, jellyfish stings can be extremely painful. And the only way to relieve the pain- as we all know- is to urinate on it! So here, swing your foot around and let me have at it! (He unzips his swimsuit.)

Toot: I am not letting you pee on my foot, Spanky! It doesn’t hurt THAT bad!

Spanky: Even so, we still need to neutralize the jellyfish venom somehow, and the only way-

Toot: For God’s sake, Spanky, I didn’t step on a jellyfish! Now get out of here!

Spanky: Fine, fine. (He starts to walk off, but stops and notices Clara still applying sunblock to herself.) MORE sunblock, Clara?

Clara: I have to make sure I’m protected from the sun!

Spanky: I swear, if you put any more of that stuff on you, you’re going to start smelling like a pharmacy!

Clara: I just want to make sure I don’t go home today with skin as pink as yours.

Toot: Hey, Clara, can I have that when you’re done?

Clara: Sure thing, Toot! (She continues rubbing. Spanky continues to look at her in confusion.)

Spanky: You’re putting sunblock on the bottoms of your feet too?

Clara: Why not? They’re going to be exposed.

Spanky: But it’ll make the sand stick to your feet when you’re on the beach.

Clara: I’m not planning to go on the beach.

Spanky: You mean you’re planning to spend all day in this chair here?

Clara: You got it!

Spanky: You know, if you’re really worried about burning, I have a great cure for-

Clara and Toot: GET OUT!

Spanky: Hey, I just wanna pee on somebody, is that so wrong? (He leaves. Ling-Ling hops up into the chair with Clara.)

Clara: I hope that doesn’t ruin your fun, Ling-Ling, if I don’t go out on the beach with you guys, does it?

Ling-Ling: No, that okay. Ling-Ling have one question, though. Ling-Ling take Carla to Jamaica on honeymoon, why she not worried about burning then?

Toot: She probably did, and Ling-Ling was just too blinded by looooooove to notice!

Clara: Very funny, Toot. (to Ling-Ling) Well, let’s just say I had other things to think about that week.

Ling-Ling: Soak self in sunblock when Ling-Ling not looking?

Clara: Yeah, pretty much.

Cut to Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor. Spanky throws the Frisbee. Wooldoor leaps up and catches it with his hands.

Spanky: No, no, no, Wooldoor! How many times do I have to tell you? Do it with your mouth! Not with your hands!

Hero: Which is the same thing I told Foxxy last night.

Wooldoor: I’m sorry, guys, but it’s a lot harder than it looks!

Hero: I told Foxxy THAT last night too!

Spanky: Here, let’s try again.

He throws the Frisbee extremely high in the air. In slow motion, Wooldoor leaps up and catches it in his mouth. He comes back down to earth. Hero and Spanky run over excitedly.

Spanky: Oh my God, did you see that? That was beautiful!

Hero: I think he’s finally got it!

Spanky: Here, Wooldoor, let’s have the Frisbee! (Wooldoor opens his mouth and Spanky takes out the Frisbee. However, a look of consternation crosses Spanky’s face as he holds up the Frisbee in front of his face. We see that the Frisbee has a bite taken out of it.) Goddammit, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: I’m sorry, guys, but whenever there’s something in my mouth, I can’t help but eat it! It’s just a reflex action! See? (He puts his hand in his mouth. After a moment, he withdraws his arm, now minus his hand.) I can’t help it!

Hero: Well, here! (He shoves the Frisbee in Wooldoor’s mouth.) You might as well have the rest of it! (Wooldoor eats the rest of the Frisbee.) So much for that idea, I guess, Spanky.

Spanky: Yeah, since Wooldoor totally sucks and now we don’t even have a Frisbee!

Wooldoor: So NOW can I go, guys? Please?

Hero: Fine, Wooldoor, you can go!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeee! I’m free! (He starts to rush off, then stops.) Hmm, I’d probably be more comfortable if I wasn’t dressed like a dog! (He reaches to the back of his head and grabs a zipper and pulls it forward. Immediately his old hair-covered body collapses to the ground and a new Wooldoor, wearing the bathing suit he wore when he dressed as a scuba diver in the clip show, steps out with hand reattached.) Now I’m free! Wheeeeeeeeee!

He runs off. Spanky and Hero stand fuming for a moment before Wooldoor quickly returns to the scene.

Spanky: Oh, no, Wooldoor, what’s wrong? Did you accidentally step on a jellyfish? You’d better let me take care of that for you! (He starts to unzip again, but Wooldoor stops him.)

Wooldoor: No, I was just coming back to tell you guys I accidentally pooped this out when I shed my skin just now. Here, you can have it! (He hands them a shiny new Frisbee.) Now I’m free! Wheeeeeeeeee! (He turns and runs off again.)

Hero: Look at it this way, Spanky! At least now we have a Frisbee again!

Spanky: Yeah, and no dog to catch it for us!

Hero: You’re right. (He looks at the Frisbee.) This thing is useless to us now!

With a mighty heave, Hero flings the Frisbee away. It begins sailing back toward the wall. As the camera follows the Frisbee through the air, we see a view of Clara from the top. A Frisbee-shaped shadow falls on Clara; we see that the Frisbee is heading straight for her. She continues reading her book, completely oblivious. Finally, the Frisbee zooms in on its target. Just as it is about to hit Clara, however, Ling-Ling suddenly appears out of nowhere and catches it in his teeth. Clara finally becomes cognizant of what is going on, and becomes startled.

Clara: Oh my God! That almost hit me!

Ling-Ling: You okay, Carla?

Clara: I’m fine, Ling-Ling! Thank you so much!

Ling-Ling: Nobody get to hurt Carla while Ling-Ling on watch! (Hero and Spanky rush over excitedly.)

Hero: Oh my God, did you see that?

Spanky: That was incredible! Ling-Ling! I didn’t know you could catch a Frisbee like that!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling got all kinds of moves honorable pig demon not know about.

Hero: Ling-Ling, would you like to do Spanky and me a big, big favor?

Ling-Ling: (thinks) Nah... Ling-Ling not really in mood.

Spanky: Ling-Ling, you remember that time you needed a kidney and I donated you one of my mine?

Ling-Ling: Kidney fail! Body reject kidney! Ling-Ling die!

Spanky: Nevertheless, it’s the thought that counts. And I think it’s time you return the favor!

Ling-Ling: What you talk about, pig?

Hero: Ling-Ling, why don’t you come play Frisbee with Spanky and me? (They begin leading away a still confused Ling-Ling as an equally confused Clara watches them go.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Wooldoor: (in confessional) Now that I had my freedom, I didn’t know what I wanted to do to celebrate it! So I did what Forrest Gump did for similarly specious reasons and just started running.

Wooldoor runs down the beach, still screaming.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Boy, I hope no one has that phrase copyrighted or I'm gonna be paying a ton of royalties on it! Anyway, wheeeeeeeeeeee! (He runs a little farther, but suddenly stops when he sees a sign in front of a small station. The sign reads, “Lifeguards needed. Apply within.”) Hmm… a lifeguard?

Wooldoor begins thinking. In a fluffy white cloud above him, the image of an elderly female Sockbat appears.

Grandma Sockbat: Wooldoor, your old Grandma would really love it if you would be a lifeguard one day. There isn’t anything more noble than saving people from drowning.

Wooldoor: Wow... you’re right, Grandma!

Grandma Sockbat: Oh, and Wooldoor? Please quit conjuring up images of me in your mind to use as a pretext for pursuing the latest random whim that’s just popped into your head.

Wooldoor: You got it, Grandma! I *will* be a lifeguard! (He walks into the station and addresses the man at the counter.) Excuse me. Are you the person in charge of hiring lifeguards around here?

Head lifeguard: Yes, I am. Are you interested in applying?

Wooldoor: Yes, I am!

Head lifeguard: Have you ever been a lifeguard before?

Wooldoor: No.

Head lifeguard: Are you certified to practice CPR?

Wooldoor: No.

Head lifeguard: Can you swim?

Wooldoor: No.

Head lifeguard: I see. (thinks) Do you have huge fake breasts?

Wooldoor: Yes! (He whips out his breasts.)

Head lifeguard: You’re hired!

Wooldoor: All right!

Head lifeguard: Now come on back with me, I’ll find you a swimsuit that shows your stuff properly. (He leads Wooldoor into a back room.)

Spanky: (in confessional) Ling-Ling turned out to be the most incredible Frisbee catcher we’d ever seen. (As Spanky continues speaking, we see a montage of the guys throwing the Frisbee and Ling-Ling catching it.) No matter how far off course Hero and I would throw it, Ling-Ling would be right there to catch it.

Hero: Go long, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling darts out of view. Hero winds up and throws the Frisbee. The scene immediately changes to the Vatican where the pope is giving an address. As the Frisbee hurtles toward the papal tiara, Ling-Ling suddenly appears out of nowhere to catch it. The pope looks at Ling-Ling thankfully, and shakes his hand to thank him for saving him. Ling-Ling starts to exit, and the pope starts to resume his address, but Ling-Ling suddenly stops. He walks up to the pope and holds out a book and a pen, which the pope takes in hand. He opens the book up. We see that the inside cover has an inscription reading “Property of Princess Clara”, and the page opposite the cover has a header reading, “Autographs”. The pope signs the book and hands it back to Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling nods in appreciation and dashes off. The scene cuts back to the beach. Ling-Ling presents the Frisbee to Spanky and Hero.

Hero: That was beautiful, Ling-Ling! With you on our side, we’re going to win the competition for sure!

Ling-Ling: Competition?

Spanky: Yeah, um… look, Ling-Ling. We have a favor we need to ask you. This is going to sound weird, but… we need you to pretend to be a dog. (Ling-Ling’s jaw drops open.)

Hero: Wait. You mean he ISN'T a dog? (Ling-Ling is angered.)

Spanky: Technically no. But you know what, I think he’s close enough that the judges will let it slide. Here, we’ll make it extra convincing. I’ll give him a dog biscuit. (He holds out the biscuit to Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling refuses to touch it.) What, you don’t want your treat? Oh, well. Here, let me put this leash on you. (He gets out a leash attached to a collar. Before Ling-Ling has time to react, Spanky has put the collar on him. Ling-Ling is still visibly annoyed.)

Ling-Ling: What the deal? Why you guys treat Ling-Ling like dog? Last time he look in mirror he not see Tori Spelling!

Hero: What you dissin’ on Tori for?

Ling-Ling: Tori know what she do.

Cut back to Clara and Toot under their parasols. Both are reclined back reading books. We see that Clara’s book is entitled “Shattering the Glass Slipper: Why Unrealistic Romantic Fantasies Are Harmful to Women”, while Toot’s book has a picture of Fabio on the cover dressed like a pirate and is entitled “The Pirate’s Booty”. They sit reading for a moment before Clara finally turns to Toot.

Clara: Well, I don’t know about you, but I think we picked a GREAT way to spend the day!

Toot: Yeah, let the rest of them run around out there in the hot sun! We’ll probably be the only ones who don’t go home with nasty sunburns!

Clara: You see Foxxy and Xandir anywhere?

Toot: (looks out) Yeah, I see them.

Clara: What are they doing?

Toot: Well… Foxxy’s shaking her breasts back and forth in front of this guy. He’s leaning in to touch them… and Foxxy just jumped out of the way, and the guy fell on his face. Now it looks like they’re lined up, and she’s going down the line to each one of them, and grabbing her… oh my God! Doesn’t that hurt? I didn’t know Foxxy was that limber! (She turns to Clara.) You may want to buy a new swimsuit after today.

Clara: Noted. Is Xandir there?

Toot: Yeah, Xandir’s there too. He’s taken his bathing suit off.

Clara: How can you tell?

Toot: Good point. Oh, well. Never mind, I’m not interested in them anyway. I want to get back to having it made in the shade!

Clara: Good idea.

Toot: They made fun of us for being really white, but I think it was a lot of hooey over nothing. All it takes is a little bit of protection and we’re as good in the sun as anyone! No, sir, they’ll think twice before they pick on Toot about- (She suddenly begins panicking.) Eek! I just felt a ray! Sunblock, Clara! Sunblock! (Clara gives the bottle to Toot. Toot tries to squeeze some out, but the bottle is empty. Toot is in a major panic.) Oh no! It’s empty! Oh my God, we’re done for, Clara! We’re gonna burn up here like oily rags at an arsonist’s convention!

Clara: Toot, Toot, just relax! I got it covered. (Clara opens her bag. We see that it is packed to the gills with extra sunblock. She pulls a bottle out and hands it to Toot.) Here you go.

Toot: Thanks, Clara! (Clara gets another bottle for herself, and she and Toot both begin rubbing themselves down with sunblock again.)

Cut to another part of the beach. We see a closeup of the ground. Two pairs of feet come into view running in slow motion side by side as rock music plays. The feet on the left are bare, while the ones on the ride are encased in white socks. The camera slowly pans up. The two figures are wearing identical red swimsuits, and both have noticeably large breasts. Finally their heads come into view. The figure on the left is a blonde woman, and the one on the right, which is wearing a set of water wings, is Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Wow! This is fun! Thanks for showing me the ropes, Kristen!

Kristen: No problem, Wooldoor! You’ll make a great lifeguard! You know, with your… (She holds her hands out in front of her in a cupping shape.)… skills.

Wooldoor: Yeah! My skills! So is all we do just run in slow motion like this?

Kristen: If someone starts to drown, we’re supposed to go try to save them. But otherwise, yeah, just keep running in slow motion.

Wooldoor: Cool! (Just then, a faint screaming sound can be heard. Wooldoor and Kristen stop running.) Oh my God! What was that?

Kristen: (pointing) Look! Out in the ocean! I think someone’s drowning!

Wooldoor: We’d better go save them! Come on, Kristen!

Kristen: You get this one, Wooldoor. I’m kind of tired from all that running.

Wooldoor: You bet!

Wooldoor runs out into the ocean and begins swimming as feverishly as he can. We see that the person drowning is the woman with light brown hair who served as an extra in several episodes, only she is wearing a swimsuit instead of her usual outfit of a maroon shirt, pink pants, and white shoes. We see Wooldoor striving and striving to swim as the woman continues to thrash around. Finally, he makes it to her.

Woman: Help! Help!

Wooldoor: Don’t worry! I’ll save you! (He grabs the woman’s arms as she continues to flail about. He slaps her.) Dammit, woman, I need you to get a grip on yourself! If you panic, we’re both in trouble! (The woman suddenly stops flailing.)

Woman: Okay. (As Wooldoor continues to steady the woman, she begins to calm down. Finally, she begins breathing normally again.) Oh my God. Thank you for saving me!

Wooldoor: It’s my job!

Woman: Why, if you hadn’t come along, I might have- (She turns and looks Wooldoor in the eyes for the first time. She immediately becomes intensely frightened.) AGGGH! Sea monster! Sea monster!

Wooldoor: Where? Where? (He turns around to look. While he does so, the woman turns and swims away in the other direction as rapidly as she can. Wooldoor turns back and sees she is gone.) Wait- where’d you go? (He becomes sad.) Oh no… I lost her! I lost my very first rescuee! Waahhhhhhh! (He begins crying. After a moment he stops.) Oh, well, guess that’s part of the job! (He begins swimming back toward shore.)

Ling-Ling: (in confessional) So Ling-Ling agree to win stupid Frisbee competition for guys in exchange for them not making any dirty comments about Carla for two weeks. It annoy Ling-Ling he still thought of as dog, but he knew afterward Carla scratch behind his ears and make him feel better.

Cut to Hero, Spanky, and Ling-Ling walking down the beach toward the site of the competition.

Hero: This is it, Ling-Ling. You ready?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling ready!

Spanky: Well, guys, looks like another perfect scheme is ready to succeed!

Hero: Yeah, this one’s in the bag!

Spanky: We’ll win the Frisbee dog competition, split the prize money, and live like kings!

Hero: Yeah!

Spanky: Then once we win this one, we’ll hit the Frisbee dog circuit and work our way to the National Frisbee Dog Championship!

Hero: Then they’ll broadcast the championship on ESPN and we’ll all become big TV stars!

Spanky: Plus, we’ll win a lot of money and then use it to make even more money swindling Wall Street investors in a crooked junk bond deal!

Hero: We’ll be famous AND rich!

Spanky: And best of all… nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong!

Cut to Clara in her chair.

Clara: Cancelled? What do you mean the competition was cancelled? (We see Hero, Spanky, and Ling-Ling standing with Clara and Toot.)

Spanky: Apparently three of last year’s Frisbee dog finalists just got suspended from the Frisbee dog circuit for testing positive for steroids!

Hero: The American Frisbee Dog Federation is really worked up about it!

Spanky: They’ve officially barred this venue from hosting any more competitions. They think it’s “suspect”.

Toot: If you guys are really determined to win a Frisbee dog championship, you could always go to another venue!

Clara: Yeah, they’re hosting another one in the park tonight!

Spanky: I don’t know, that’s like, several blocks in the other direction. It’s kind of out of our way. Oh, well, I guess we can chalk this one up as another missed opportunity.

Hero: Besides, I’m getting tired.

Spanky: Yeah, me too.

Clara: Oh, look, here come Foxxy and Xandir.

Spanky: So how’d you guys make out?

Foxxy: Used our tongues.

Xandir: Foxxy, you are such a minx!

Foxxy: Nah, we did a’ight. The Foxxy got LOTS of mens drooling over her!

Hero: Foxxy! You weren’t… unfaithful to me, were you?

Foxxy: No, Captain Hero, I wasn’t.

Xandir: She led them all on and then turned them over to me to finish the job.

Spanky: And they were okay with that?

Xandir: Yeah. None of them seemed to mind that I was a guy. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear they couldn’t tell the difference.

Spanky: So what do you guys think? You about ready to go?

Foxxy: Sure, that sounds like a good idea. I need to get home and shake some of the sand out of this swimsuit.

Hero: Before you take Clara’s swimsuit off, Foxxy… can we have sex? You know… while you still have it on?

Foxxy: Captain Hero… are you going to have sex with me and pretend I’m Clara?

Hero: (sheepishly) Yes.

Foxxy: Sure, I guess so. But after that, we switch places, and YOU put the swimsuit on!

Clara: Wait a minute. So is EVERYBODY around here wanting to get into my swimsuit? (She sees Spanky leering at her and grinning.) Shut up, Spanky! (He quickly straightens up.)

Xandir: Well, *I* for one don’t have any desire to wear Clara’s swimsuit! I want one that shows off my figure better!

Clara: Meaning one that has your ass hanging out of it?

Xandir: Ooh, sounds like someone is jealous of someone else! Could it have anything to do with the fact that I have a perfect golden tan and you don’t?

Clara: Xandir, what’s the big deal about being tan anyway? The color of a person’s skin doesn’t matter! (Suddenly everyone stops and looks at Clara.)

Toot: Oh my God, I think all irony in the world just died.

Clara: (confused) What? What’s everyone looking at me for?

Spanky: Never mind. Let’s just go, guys. (Toot and Clara start packing their stuff up. Toot stops.)

Toot: Wait a minute. Where’s Wooldoor?

Xandir: (looking out at ocean) Here he comes.

Cut to Wooldoor walking in from the ocean. He is now completely covered in seaweed.

Wooldoor: Wow, I never knew swimming was so much fun! I still don’t understand what all that sea monster talk was about, though.

Xandir: Hey, Wooldoor, we’re about to leave. You ready to go?

Wooldoor: You bet, guys. Come on! (They start to walk off, but Foxxy stops them.)

Foxxy: Um, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Yes, Foxxy?

Foxxy: It may be ironic considering what other kinds of icky substances have gotten spilled in there over the years, but you AIN’T getting’ in my van with all that crap on you!

Wooldoor: (suddenly notices all the seaweed) Oh! I’m sorry, Foxxy. Here, I’ll clean it off!

He begins pulling the seaweed off himself and flinging it aside. Clinging to some of the seaweed, however, is a jellyfish. Wooldoor does not notice and tosses it away. The jellyfish comes loose from the seaweed and lands smack on Clara’s foot.

Clara: Ewwwww! Wooldoor, you need to be more careful when you fling your oceanic refuse!

Wooldoor: Sorry, Clara!

Toot: Oh my God, Clara, is that a jellyfish?

Clara: (She looks. She sees it and gasps.) You’re right! It’s a jellyfish, right on my foot!

Spanky: Woohoo! Just tell me when the pain starts setting in, Clara, and I’m ready to fire!

Clara: Hmm, this is interesting.

Toot: What?

Clara: I’m not feeling any pain at all.

Spanky: You’re not? But that can’t be!

Clara: You know… I bet I know what it is! I’ve got so much sunblock on me, the jellyfish poison can’t get through!

Toot: I bet you’re right, Clara! Here, let me try! (Toot grabs the jellyfish off Clara’s foot and rubs it all over her own foot.) You’re right, Clara! I can’t feel a thing either!

Clara: So maybe not being able to tan works out for us after all!

Toot: Yeah, it makes us immune to jellyfish stings! Thank you, sunblock! You’re almost as good a friend to me as booze! (She takes the jellyfish in hand.) Well, I guess we can get rid of THIS thing now! (Without looking, she flings the jellyfish behind her. Immediately we hear a blood-curdling scream.)

Clara: What was that?

They turn around. We see Xandir hopping up and down screaming and holding his foot.

Foxxy: Don’t worry, Xandir, it’ll be all right, it’s just a jellyfish.

Xandir: Ow! Ow! It burns! It burns!

Spanky: Don’t worry, Xandir! Spanky Ham’s got your soothing ointment right here!

Just as Spanky is about to do his business, the scene cuts back to Clara and Toot. Hero and Wooldoor walk up behind them.

Wooldoor: Wow, this was a great day at the beach, wasn’t it, guys?

Clara: Yeah, it was.

Hero: All the same, though, I’m pretty worn out.

Toot: Yeah, it’s probably good that we’re leaving now.

Wooldoor: And besides, we couldn’t stay much longer anyway. The sun is going down. (Clara and Toot suddenly look at each other, then turn to Wooldoor.)

Toot: What did you say, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: I said the sun is going down!

Clara and Toot look at each other again. Suddenly they become excited and run back out onto the beach and begin frolicking!

Toot: Woohoo!

Clara: Now we can REALLY begin playing on the beach!

Toot finds a humongous beach ball, which she and Clara begin tossing back and forth to each other. They continue doing this as they run into the ocean. Back on the shore, the head lifeguard is talking to Kristen.

Head lifeguard: Dammit, what are those two doing out in the ocean? Don’t they know the sun’s about to go down?

Kristen: So what does it matter? Just let them go.

Head lifeguard: But the lifeguard station’s about to close. What happens if they go out too far and drown? There’ll be no one around to save them!

Kristen: Don’t worry, that new lifeguard we hired can stay and watch them. She said she’d be here really late tonight anyway doing something else.

Head lifeguard: Oh, okay, then. Well, I’m sure she can watch out for them. Let’s go. (He and Kristen turn and start to walk away. As they leave, Kristen calls out.)

Kristen: Hey, Denise! There’s two swimmers out there in the ocean you need to keep an eye on! Okay, Denise? (She and the head lifeguard walk out of sight.)

As Clara and Toot continue to play in the ocean, the camera pans farther down the shore where we see a man rolling around in the surf with a brown-haired woman in a red lifeguard outfit. Suddenly they stop.

Denise: What? What’s wrong?

Man: I thought I heard some people asking for you. Your name’s Denise, right?

Denise: Yeah.

Man: I think they said something about wanting you to watch two swimmers.

Denise: Oh. They must be my next clients. I’ll get to them in a little while. So come on, we going all the way or not? You’re paying for it!

Man: Of course. Back to business.

The man and Denise resume making out. As the scene fades to black, we hear Denise’s voice one last time.

Denise: Damn, I wish they’d make these stupid lifeguard uniforms easier to get out of.



THE END