Post by Raymond-Raymond on Mar 1, 2007 2:15:58 GMT -5
PILLOW TALK
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. It is nighttime. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see the group gathered in the living room. Hero is talking to Wooldoor.
Hero: And that’s why you’ll never get a real job.
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. I see.
Xandir: I’M going to be getting a real job! Tonight at about-
Clara: Xandir, look. I may have learned to live with you being gay, but that doesn’t mean I need to hear every sordid detail.
Toot: Yeah, Xandir! Why don’t you just go post it in your blog so your fanboys can read all about it? I’m sure they’d be reeeeeeeeeeally interested in your sick story!
Spanky: We’re trying to keep this a family show, Xandir. Like The Osbournes.
Xandir: I don’t get why no one wants to hear my story. Since when did you all become so prudish?
Hero: Since we started talking about men instead of women!
Spanky: Yeah! Women are hot! Men are not!
Foxxy: Now hold up, Spanky, that ain’t true! I think both men AND women are hot!
Wooldoor: Wow... all this fighting... it’s like my childhood all over again.
Cut to a shot of a very young Wooldoor standing behind a door almost in tears. From the other side we can hear very loud shouting taking place.
Wooldoor: Please, Mommy, Daddy... stop fighting...
As the camera cuts to the other side of the door, we do not see the people arguing, but their voices become clear.
Male Sockbat: Tastes great!
Female Sockbat: Less filling!
Male Sockbat: Tastes great!
Female Sockbat: Less filling!
As they continue on like this, the scene changes back to Wooldoor, now fully in tears. Whimpering, he walks away.
Wooldoor: It’s always the children who suffer.
Cut back to the present. There is suddenly a knock at the door. Toot gets up and walks over to the door.
Toot: Who is it?
Voice: (slightly muffled) Plumber, ma’am.
Toot: That’s ridiculous, we don’t need a plumber! Unless... (She looks at Spanky. Spanky shakes his head. Toot turns back.) We don’t need a plumber. (The voice is silent for a moment.) Are you still there? Well, say something!
Voice: (after a long pause) Candygram.
Toot: Hmm, a candygram, eh? This wouldn’t be a clever scheme to make me open the door would it? (another long pause) Would it? Hello?
Voice: (after another pause) Um... land shark, ma’am.
Toot: Land shark.
Voice: Yeah, just open the door, I’ll eat you right up.
Toot: Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse! (She opens the door. There stands Marty. Toot throws her arms around him.) Hey, Marty!
Wooldoor: So we don’t get to be eaten by a shark? Awwww...
Marty: I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d drop by.
Toot: And what brought you to this neighborhood?
Marty: I came by to visit my girlfriend.
Toot: (playfully) You never told me you had a girlfriend.
Marty: We’re kind of on-again, off-again.
Toot: You know, you could say the same for our clothes!
As Toot and Marty kiss, the rest of the group look at each other.
Spanky: Do they have to do this EVERY time he comes over?
Clara: Why, I think it’s sweet! Ling-Ling and I would do the same thing if we didn’t already live together. And if I were capable of jumping into his arms.
Toot and Marty turn around and face the group.
Marty: Hey, everyone!
Hero: I thought Toot already told you we don’t need a plumber!
Marty: (to Toot) That subscription to Highlights we got him was such a waste of money.
Toot: So are you guys all ready to go?
Foxxy: Go? Go where?
Marty: The magazine gave me complimentary tickets to go see Backdoor Boys on Ice! And there’s enough for everybody!
Xandir: Backdoor Boys on Ice? Oh my God, that’s like, the greatest show ever! The magic and music of the Backdoor Boys combined with the wonder of an ice show! It’s like the gay man’s nirvana!
Spanky: You know what? I kinda wanna go just to see how many times Xandir wets himself during this thing.
Wooldoor: Yeah, what the hell, it’s not like we’re doing anything anyway.
Foxxy: Hmm, the Foxxy always wanted to try to score with a gay man at an ice show. It will be my greatest challenge yet! (Everyone gets up to go. Marty begins handing them their tickets.)
Marty: (to Toot) Wow, I thought I’d have to try to convince them.
Toot: They really are starved for entertainment.
Marty: Well, let’s go, then! (They all begin to file out the door. Suddenly Toot calls back to Marty.)
Toot: Hey, Marty, wait! I forgot my ticket! It’s upstairs in my room. I think I lost it.
Marty: (to group outside) Hey, guys, I’m going to have to stay back and help Toot look for her ticket. You guys go on ahead, we’ll meet you there. (The rest of the group walks out of view. Marty goes back inside. Toot is standing right in front of the door. Marty closes it.)
Toot: Are they gone?
Marty: Yep, they’re gone! (They put their arms around each other.)
Toot: I can’t believe they fell for it! (They begin to kiss.)
Marty: I guess you were right. Give them tickets to ANYTHING, and they’ll go.
Toot: They will! They even attended the groundbreaking ceremony for the new sewage plant! It wouldn’t have been so bad if Wooldoor hadn’t decided to bring home a bunch of souvenirs.
Marty: At any rate, I’m glad they’re gone.
Toot: Yeah! Now we have this great big house all to ourselves for the entire night!
They begin to kiss again. As they are doing so, a small yellow figure can be seen crawling out of a box in the corner.
Excludie: Hooray! Now that the housemates are all gone, I can finally come out of hiding and enjoy some of the amenities of this house! (He starts to scamper through the living room. Toot notices him over her shoulder, however. She stops kissing Marty and turns around.)
Toot: Excludie... (He stops. Toot points angrily at him.) No, Excludie! Back to your box!
Excludie: Aw, nuts. (He retreats sadly back inside his box.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
Toot: (in confessional) Since we finally had some privacy for a change, Marty and were able to get out of those uncomfortable clothes we had on and slip into something more intimate. Because I certainly can’t do that when my housemates are here!
A montage plays consisting of clips from previous episodes; first we see Toot, Xandir, and Wooldoor prancing through the house naked in "The Other Cousin", then we see Toot flashing her breasts to Xandir in "Hot Tub", then finally we see the scene from "The Religious Wrong" of Toot walking into the living room naked and sitting down casually next to Captain Hero.
Cut back to the living room. Marty sits in the chair reading a newspaper and wearing a smoking jacket a la Hugh Hefner. From off to the side we hear Toot’s voice.
Toot: Yoohoo! (Marty puts the paper down and turns around. There we see Toot clad only in a bathrobe.) You like?
Marty: Now, Toot, is that really an appropriate way to dress for the occasion?
Toot: I suppose not.
Marty: So are you going to change into something skimpier?
Toot: Nah, it wouldn’t have the same effect.
Marty: No?
Toot: No, anything skimpier would spoil my reveal. Watch! (Toot stands in front of Marty. From behind we see her open up her robe.) Now you see it! (She closes the robe back.) Now you don’t!
Marty: Wow, it’s like a dirty magic trick!
Toot: I find nudity is more effective when you assault people with it all at once. Poor Foxxy just doesn’t realize that when you’re nude ALL the time, it loses its ability to shock.
Marty: But I’m not shocked at all.
Toot: Hmm, maybe I’m not doing it right. Here, let me try something else.
Toot turns back around away from Marty. She begins to sing quietly to herself and wiggle her hips suggestively. Just as she is doing so, however, the door begins to open. Toot then turns quickly, and as she turns, she yanks her robe open as wide as she can.
Toot: The peep show is officially open for business!
As soon as Toot is facing Marty’s direction, however, Clara and Ling-Ling enter the doorway. Clara gasps in horror. Toot gasps also, and quickly closes her robe.
Clara: (quickly averting her eyes) Oh my God! I did not need to see that! Do you not have any shame at all?
Toot: It figures. The one person in this house who would be shocked by this! (Clara still refuses to look.) Clara, you can look now, I’m covered up. (Clara turns back.)
Clara: (breathing a sigh of relief) Oh, thank God!
Toot: (to Marty) Do you believe this? As long as she’s been in this house and she still freaks out whenever she sees someone naked!
Clara: I’m sorry, Toot, it’s just that I don’t expect to be hit with it as soon as I walk in the front door. Especially when I’m not expecting anyone else to be here! Speaking of that... why ARE you guys here?
Toot: We ditched.
Clara: You did? So did we!
Marty: Toot and I both thought it would be nice to have the house to ourselves for a change. I’m guessing you and Ling-Ling had the same idea.
Clara: No, we just realized when we got there that ice shows are totally lame. But now that you mention it, it WOULD be nice to have a quiet evening in without the others.
Toot: Hmph. Too bad we screwed ourselves out of that one. Damn this clever fiendish mind I have!
Clara: You know, we could just hang out, just the four of us. I mean, it’s not the same as being alone with our partners, but it’s still kind of nice and intimate.
Toot: Yeah, I guess so. We can chat about couple stuff without the others around to bug us!
Marty: Okay, I guess I can go along with that. What about you, Ling-Ling? You in? (Ling-Ling is standing with his back to the group with his arms folded and a scowl on his face.)
Ling-Ling: Hmph. Ling-Ling not talk to you guys! You ruin romantic evening alone with Carla!
Marty: Now, Ling-Ling, is that any way to behave? (He walks in front of Ling-Ling and kneels on the ground in front of him.) Look, Ling-Ling, I know you want to be alone with Clara tonight, but it’s okay. You’ll have other opportunities to spend some time with her. Why don’t you just relax and the four of us will have a good time? (Ling-Ling does not answer.) Come on, Ling-Ling. I’ll be your best friend...
Ling-Ling: (looks at him with a skewed glance) Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Marty? That old line not work on Ling-Ling anymore.
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling. (She kneels down next to Marty.) Go along with this and I’ll go farther with you tonight than I ever have before!
Toot: Yeah, Ling-Ling! She might even let you see her exposed belly button! (Clara gives Toot a look.)
Ling-Ling: Well... okay! Ling-Ling in! (Marty and Clara get up. Toot jumps excitedly.)
Toot: Yay! I’ll go make the popcorn!
Clara: I’ll fix the drinks.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling make cookies!
Marty: I guess I’ll just sit here and be useless.
Toot: Hey, I know! Why don’t you go into the confessional and tell everybody what’s going on?
Marty: Cool!
Marty: (in confessional) Wow, after 19 episodes, I finally get my first confessional segment! This is so awesome! (A pause. He looks around for a moment.) Is this all there is? (He looks around some more.) Funny, I just thought this room would be bigger for some reason. (He turns back to the camera.) So anyway, we were... oh, crap, I forgot what I was going to say. Um... just cut to the next scene already! (turns away) Crap, I blew it! I guess I’m never going to see the inside of THIS room again!
Cut back to the living room. Toot cuddles up with Marty in the chair while Ling-Ling sits on the couch. There are snacks on the table in front of them. Clara enters with a tray of drinks.
Clara: Here you go, everyone! I made virgin screwdrivers!
She sets the drinks down on the table. Toot takes one. Clara takes two and hands one to Ling-Ling. As Marty is getting his drink, he begins looking at Clara.
Marty: Hey, hold on a second, what's with the outfit? I thought we agreed we were all going to dress more intimately tonight.
Clara: I am! I took my shoes off!
Marty: Yes, but that's-
Toot: (interrupting) Give it up, Marty. With Clara, that's as much nudity as we're going to get.
Marty: (to Ling-Ling) You're a lucky guy, you know that?
Clara: Is this where I'm supposed to make some sort of sarcastic remark about how you're dating an exhibitionist?
Toot: Don't listen to her, Marty. She won't even look at HERSELF naked!
Clara: Excuse me, but I just happen to believe in modesty. Now I know the human body is a beautiful thing- especially mine- but that doesn't mean we need to go flaunting it everywhere! When you're naked, all people see is your body- they never pay attention to the person inside.
Toot: Actually, that's the very reason I *go* naked a lot!
Marty: So has anyone in this house actually seen your body, Clara? Apart from- I'm hoping- Ling-Ling?
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling has seen it. I do recognize my wifely duties to keep my husband satisfied.
Ling-Ling: But that okay. Ling-Ling not take advantage of it TOO much. He think Carla breathtaking even with clothes on.
Marty: Awww, that's so sweet. (quickly changes tone) So who else has seen it?
Clara: (sighs) Well... Captain Hero saw it that time he was spying on me and Foxxy in the shower together.
Marty: You took a shower with Foxxy? Wow... I... don't know what to make of that. (He turns his head slightly.) I don't know if I would consider that... um...
Toot: It's okay, Marty. You can picture it if you want.
Marty: Thanks!
Clara: Yes, I had to take one shower with Foxxy because the producer forced me to. But it's okay, Foxxy promised me she wouldn't look.
Marty: So just Hero and Ling-Ling, then?
Toot: I've seen it too!
Immediately, Marty begins to stare in disbelief. Clara turns to Toot slightly miffed and insistently puts her fingers to her lips. Ling-Ling’s jaw drops open and his eyes grow wide.
Clara: Toot! I can’t believe you told him that!
Marty: So it’s true!
Clara: Yes, fine, it’s true. Toot and I have seen each other naked.
Marty: EACH OTHER naked! So it wasn’t just her seeing you, then!
Clara: Okay, I’ve seen Toot naked. Um... but... um... well, who in this house hasn’t? I mean, really.
Marty: No, no, that won’t work. The way you phrased it suggested you experienced each other’s nudity at the same time.
Marty: (in confessional) "Experienced each other’s nudity at the same time." Wow, I ought to write porn novels! (He suddenly realizes he is in the confessional again. He looks around.) Hmm, I guess I was wrong!
Toot: That’s right, Marty. Clara and I were naked. (She turns to Clara.) TOGETHER!
As Ling-Ling continues to just stare, Clara is distraught.
Clara: Oh, I can’t believe this is happening. My entire reputation is going down the tubes!
Marty: So does this mean you two have... you know... done the deed?
Toot: Mayyyyybe.
Clara: Oh, stop being silly, Toot. No, Marty, Toot and I have never "done the deed". Ling-Ling is the only person I’ve been with in my entire life- despite what those fanfics on the internet say!
Toot: No, Marty, Clara and I haven’t done it. But she sure wanted to, though!
Clara: Knock it off already, Toot. That’s not true either, and you know it. You know I don’t swing that way!
Toot: Well, what about Foxxy, huh? You suuuuure seemed to enjoy it when she kissed you in the hot tub!
Clara: I admit that when I first came to this house, I was young and naïve and still figuring out who I was sexually. And yes, the kiss did feel good. I can’t deny that. But once I started figuring myself out, I realized that wasn’t who I really am. No, despite what may have happened that first week, I’m straight as an arrow. And so are you, Toot, despite what happened between us that night.
Marty: That night? So something DID happen between you two! I knew it in my brain!
Clara: Well, if you knew it THERE, I wouldn’t worry about it too much!
Marty: So what happened? You two get caught in the dark together?
Clara: It really wasn’t that dark.
Marty: So you could SEE what you were doing? Was it fun?
Clara: You know what? I’m withdrawing from this conversation. In fact- (checks her watch) if I hurry, I can probably get back to the group in time to catch some of the ice show. (She starts to get up. However, Ling-Ling hops up on the back of the couch and grabs her arm.)
Ling-Ling: Carla, wait. This true, Carla? Land whale really break open princess fortune cookie?
Clara: (stops) No. No, Ling-Ling, it isn’t true. Yes, Toot and I may have been naked in bed together one night, but nothing actually happened!
Marty: In bed together? You were in bed together?
Clara: I have GOT to stop saying things!
Marty: So what are you going to spill next? "Oh, yes, Toot and I may have been riding each other like donkeys, but nothing actually happened!"
Clara: You finished now?
Marty: Yeah, that one joke was pretty much all I had.
Toot walks over to Clara and takes her hand.
Toot: Clara... I think we’re going to have to tell them exactly what happened that night.
Clara: But we swore we would never tell!
Toot: I know. But for the sake of your marriage... and because I really don’t think you want Marty filling in the blanks himself... I think it’s time we tell.
Clara: I suppose you’re right, Toot. All right, everyone. Toot and I will tell you the story of exactly what took place that fateful night. (Everyone sits back down. Clara begins.) All right, I’ll begin. Ling-Ling, you remember that time Xandir was going to come out to his parents, and we decided to help him by role-playing? (Ling-Ling nods.) As you recall, I was playing Xandir’s old girlfriend Mary Lou Slutski, and Toot was playing his father...
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. It is nighttime. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see the group gathered in the living room. Hero is talking to Wooldoor.
Hero: And that’s why you’ll never get a real job.
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. I see.
Xandir: I’M going to be getting a real job! Tonight at about-
Clara: Xandir, look. I may have learned to live with you being gay, but that doesn’t mean I need to hear every sordid detail.
Toot: Yeah, Xandir! Why don’t you just go post it in your blog so your fanboys can read all about it? I’m sure they’d be reeeeeeeeeeally interested in your sick story!
Spanky: We’re trying to keep this a family show, Xandir. Like The Osbournes.
Xandir: I don’t get why no one wants to hear my story. Since when did you all become so prudish?
Hero: Since we started talking about men instead of women!
Spanky: Yeah! Women are hot! Men are not!
Foxxy: Now hold up, Spanky, that ain’t true! I think both men AND women are hot!
Wooldoor: Wow... all this fighting... it’s like my childhood all over again.
Cut to a shot of a very young Wooldoor standing behind a door almost in tears. From the other side we can hear very loud shouting taking place.
Wooldoor: Please, Mommy, Daddy... stop fighting...
As the camera cuts to the other side of the door, we do not see the people arguing, but their voices become clear.
Male Sockbat: Tastes great!
Female Sockbat: Less filling!
Male Sockbat: Tastes great!
Female Sockbat: Less filling!
As they continue on like this, the scene changes back to Wooldoor, now fully in tears. Whimpering, he walks away.
Wooldoor: It’s always the children who suffer.
Cut back to the present. There is suddenly a knock at the door. Toot gets up and walks over to the door.
Toot: Who is it?
Voice: (slightly muffled) Plumber, ma’am.
Toot: That’s ridiculous, we don’t need a plumber! Unless... (She looks at Spanky. Spanky shakes his head. Toot turns back.) We don’t need a plumber. (The voice is silent for a moment.) Are you still there? Well, say something!
Voice: (after a long pause) Candygram.
Toot: Hmm, a candygram, eh? This wouldn’t be a clever scheme to make me open the door would it? (another long pause) Would it? Hello?
Voice: (after another pause) Um... land shark, ma’am.
Toot: Land shark.
Voice: Yeah, just open the door, I’ll eat you right up.
Toot: Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse! (She opens the door. There stands Marty. Toot throws her arms around him.) Hey, Marty!
Wooldoor: So we don’t get to be eaten by a shark? Awwww...
Marty: I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d drop by.
Toot: And what brought you to this neighborhood?
Marty: I came by to visit my girlfriend.
Toot: (playfully) You never told me you had a girlfriend.
Marty: We’re kind of on-again, off-again.
Toot: You know, you could say the same for our clothes!
As Toot and Marty kiss, the rest of the group look at each other.
Spanky: Do they have to do this EVERY time he comes over?
Clara: Why, I think it’s sweet! Ling-Ling and I would do the same thing if we didn’t already live together. And if I were capable of jumping into his arms.
Toot and Marty turn around and face the group.
Marty: Hey, everyone!
Hero: I thought Toot already told you we don’t need a plumber!
Marty: (to Toot) That subscription to Highlights we got him was such a waste of money.
Toot: So are you guys all ready to go?
Foxxy: Go? Go where?
Marty: The magazine gave me complimentary tickets to go see Backdoor Boys on Ice! And there’s enough for everybody!
Xandir: Backdoor Boys on Ice? Oh my God, that’s like, the greatest show ever! The magic and music of the Backdoor Boys combined with the wonder of an ice show! It’s like the gay man’s nirvana!
Spanky: You know what? I kinda wanna go just to see how many times Xandir wets himself during this thing.
Wooldoor: Yeah, what the hell, it’s not like we’re doing anything anyway.
Foxxy: Hmm, the Foxxy always wanted to try to score with a gay man at an ice show. It will be my greatest challenge yet! (Everyone gets up to go. Marty begins handing them their tickets.)
Marty: (to Toot) Wow, I thought I’d have to try to convince them.
Toot: They really are starved for entertainment.
Marty: Well, let’s go, then! (They all begin to file out the door. Suddenly Toot calls back to Marty.)
Toot: Hey, Marty, wait! I forgot my ticket! It’s upstairs in my room. I think I lost it.
Marty: (to group outside) Hey, guys, I’m going to have to stay back and help Toot look for her ticket. You guys go on ahead, we’ll meet you there. (The rest of the group walks out of view. Marty goes back inside. Toot is standing right in front of the door. Marty closes it.)
Toot: Are they gone?
Marty: Yep, they’re gone! (They put their arms around each other.)
Toot: I can’t believe they fell for it! (They begin to kiss.)
Marty: I guess you were right. Give them tickets to ANYTHING, and they’ll go.
Toot: They will! They even attended the groundbreaking ceremony for the new sewage plant! It wouldn’t have been so bad if Wooldoor hadn’t decided to bring home a bunch of souvenirs.
Marty: At any rate, I’m glad they’re gone.
Toot: Yeah! Now we have this great big house all to ourselves for the entire night!
They begin to kiss again. As they are doing so, a small yellow figure can be seen crawling out of a box in the corner.
Excludie: Hooray! Now that the housemates are all gone, I can finally come out of hiding and enjoy some of the amenities of this house! (He starts to scamper through the living room. Toot notices him over her shoulder, however. She stops kissing Marty and turns around.)
Toot: Excludie... (He stops. Toot points angrily at him.) No, Excludie! Back to your box!
Excludie: Aw, nuts. (He retreats sadly back inside his box.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
Toot: (in confessional) Since we finally had some privacy for a change, Marty and were able to get out of those uncomfortable clothes we had on and slip into something more intimate. Because I certainly can’t do that when my housemates are here!
A montage plays consisting of clips from previous episodes; first we see Toot, Xandir, and Wooldoor prancing through the house naked in "The Other Cousin", then we see Toot flashing her breasts to Xandir in "Hot Tub", then finally we see the scene from "The Religious Wrong" of Toot walking into the living room naked and sitting down casually next to Captain Hero.
Cut back to the living room. Marty sits in the chair reading a newspaper and wearing a smoking jacket a la Hugh Hefner. From off to the side we hear Toot’s voice.
Toot: Yoohoo! (Marty puts the paper down and turns around. There we see Toot clad only in a bathrobe.) You like?
Marty: Now, Toot, is that really an appropriate way to dress for the occasion?
Toot: I suppose not.
Marty: So are you going to change into something skimpier?
Toot: Nah, it wouldn’t have the same effect.
Marty: No?
Toot: No, anything skimpier would spoil my reveal. Watch! (Toot stands in front of Marty. From behind we see her open up her robe.) Now you see it! (She closes the robe back.) Now you don’t!
Marty: Wow, it’s like a dirty magic trick!
Toot: I find nudity is more effective when you assault people with it all at once. Poor Foxxy just doesn’t realize that when you’re nude ALL the time, it loses its ability to shock.
Marty: But I’m not shocked at all.
Toot: Hmm, maybe I’m not doing it right. Here, let me try something else.
Toot turns back around away from Marty. She begins to sing quietly to herself and wiggle her hips suggestively. Just as she is doing so, however, the door begins to open. Toot then turns quickly, and as she turns, she yanks her robe open as wide as she can.
Toot: The peep show is officially open for business!
As soon as Toot is facing Marty’s direction, however, Clara and Ling-Ling enter the doorway. Clara gasps in horror. Toot gasps also, and quickly closes her robe.
Clara: (quickly averting her eyes) Oh my God! I did not need to see that! Do you not have any shame at all?
Toot: It figures. The one person in this house who would be shocked by this! (Clara still refuses to look.) Clara, you can look now, I’m covered up. (Clara turns back.)
Clara: (breathing a sigh of relief) Oh, thank God!
Toot: (to Marty) Do you believe this? As long as she’s been in this house and she still freaks out whenever she sees someone naked!
Clara: I’m sorry, Toot, it’s just that I don’t expect to be hit with it as soon as I walk in the front door. Especially when I’m not expecting anyone else to be here! Speaking of that... why ARE you guys here?
Toot: We ditched.
Clara: You did? So did we!
Marty: Toot and I both thought it would be nice to have the house to ourselves for a change. I’m guessing you and Ling-Ling had the same idea.
Clara: No, we just realized when we got there that ice shows are totally lame. But now that you mention it, it WOULD be nice to have a quiet evening in without the others.
Toot: Hmph. Too bad we screwed ourselves out of that one. Damn this clever fiendish mind I have!
Clara: You know, we could just hang out, just the four of us. I mean, it’s not the same as being alone with our partners, but it’s still kind of nice and intimate.
Toot: Yeah, I guess so. We can chat about couple stuff without the others around to bug us!
Marty: Okay, I guess I can go along with that. What about you, Ling-Ling? You in? (Ling-Ling is standing with his back to the group with his arms folded and a scowl on his face.)
Ling-Ling: Hmph. Ling-Ling not talk to you guys! You ruin romantic evening alone with Carla!
Marty: Now, Ling-Ling, is that any way to behave? (He walks in front of Ling-Ling and kneels on the ground in front of him.) Look, Ling-Ling, I know you want to be alone with Clara tonight, but it’s okay. You’ll have other opportunities to spend some time with her. Why don’t you just relax and the four of us will have a good time? (Ling-Ling does not answer.) Come on, Ling-Ling. I’ll be your best friend...
Ling-Ling: (looks at him with a skewed glance) Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Marty? That old line not work on Ling-Ling anymore.
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling. (She kneels down next to Marty.) Go along with this and I’ll go farther with you tonight than I ever have before!
Toot: Yeah, Ling-Ling! She might even let you see her exposed belly button! (Clara gives Toot a look.)
Ling-Ling: Well... okay! Ling-Ling in! (Marty and Clara get up. Toot jumps excitedly.)
Toot: Yay! I’ll go make the popcorn!
Clara: I’ll fix the drinks.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling make cookies!
Marty: I guess I’ll just sit here and be useless.
Toot: Hey, I know! Why don’t you go into the confessional and tell everybody what’s going on?
Marty: Cool!
Marty: (in confessional) Wow, after 19 episodes, I finally get my first confessional segment! This is so awesome! (A pause. He looks around for a moment.) Is this all there is? (He looks around some more.) Funny, I just thought this room would be bigger for some reason. (He turns back to the camera.) So anyway, we were... oh, crap, I forgot what I was going to say. Um... just cut to the next scene already! (turns away) Crap, I blew it! I guess I’m never going to see the inside of THIS room again!
Cut back to the living room. Toot cuddles up with Marty in the chair while Ling-Ling sits on the couch. There are snacks on the table in front of them. Clara enters with a tray of drinks.
Clara: Here you go, everyone! I made virgin screwdrivers!
She sets the drinks down on the table. Toot takes one. Clara takes two and hands one to Ling-Ling. As Marty is getting his drink, he begins looking at Clara.
Marty: Hey, hold on a second, what's with the outfit? I thought we agreed we were all going to dress more intimately tonight.
Clara: I am! I took my shoes off!
Marty: Yes, but that's-
Toot: (interrupting) Give it up, Marty. With Clara, that's as much nudity as we're going to get.
Marty: (to Ling-Ling) You're a lucky guy, you know that?
Clara: Is this where I'm supposed to make some sort of sarcastic remark about how you're dating an exhibitionist?
Toot: Don't listen to her, Marty. She won't even look at HERSELF naked!
Clara: Excuse me, but I just happen to believe in modesty. Now I know the human body is a beautiful thing- especially mine- but that doesn't mean we need to go flaunting it everywhere! When you're naked, all people see is your body- they never pay attention to the person inside.
Toot: Actually, that's the very reason I *go* naked a lot!
Marty: So has anyone in this house actually seen your body, Clara? Apart from- I'm hoping- Ling-Ling?
Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling has seen it. I do recognize my wifely duties to keep my husband satisfied.
Ling-Ling: But that okay. Ling-Ling not take advantage of it TOO much. He think Carla breathtaking even with clothes on.
Marty: Awww, that's so sweet. (quickly changes tone) So who else has seen it?
Clara: (sighs) Well... Captain Hero saw it that time he was spying on me and Foxxy in the shower together.
Marty: You took a shower with Foxxy? Wow... I... don't know what to make of that. (He turns his head slightly.) I don't know if I would consider that... um...
Toot: It's okay, Marty. You can picture it if you want.
Marty: Thanks!
Clara: Yes, I had to take one shower with Foxxy because the producer forced me to. But it's okay, Foxxy promised me she wouldn't look.
Marty: So just Hero and Ling-Ling, then?
Toot: I've seen it too!
Immediately, Marty begins to stare in disbelief. Clara turns to Toot slightly miffed and insistently puts her fingers to her lips. Ling-Ling’s jaw drops open and his eyes grow wide.
Clara: Toot! I can’t believe you told him that!
Marty: So it’s true!
Clara: Yes, fine, it’s true. Toot and I have seen each other naked.
Marty: EACH OTHER naked! So it wasn’t just her seeing you, then!
Clara: Okay, I’ve seen Toot naked. Um... but... um... well, who in this house hasn’t? I mean, really.
Marty: No, no, that won’t work. The way you phrased it suggested you experienced each other’s nudity at the same time.
Marty: (in confessional) "Experienced each other’s nudity at the same time." Wow, I ought to write porn novels! (He suddenly realizes he is in the confessional again. He looks around.) Hmm, I guess I was wrong!
Toot: That’s right, Marty. Clara and I were naked. (She turns to Clara.) TOGETHER!
As Ling-Ling continues to just stare, Clara is distraught.
Clara: Oh, I can’t believe this is happening. My entire reputation is going down the tubes!
Marty: So does this mean you two have... you know... done the deed?
Toot: Mayyyyybe.
Clara: Oh, stop being silly, Toot. No, Marty, Toot and I have never "done the deed". Ling-Ling is the only person I’ve been with in my entire life- despite what those fanfics on the internet say!
Toot: No, Marty, Clara and I haven’t done it. But she sure wanted to, though!
Clara: Knock it off already, Toot. That’s not true either, and you know it. You know I don’t swing that way!
Toot: Well, what about Foxxy, huh? You suuuuure seemed to enjoy it when she kissed you in the hot tub!
Clara: I admit that when I first came to this house, I was young and naïve and still figuring out who I was sexually. And yes, the kiss did feel good. I can’t deny that. But once I started figuring myself out, I realized that wasn’t who I really am. No, despite what may have happened that first week, I’m straight as an arrow. And so are you, Toot, despite what happened between us that night.
Marty: That night? So something DID happen between you two! I knew it in my brain!
Clara: Well, if you knew it THERE, I wouldn’t worry about it too much!
Marty: So what happened? You two get caught in the dark together?
Clara: It really wasn’t that dark.
Marty: So you could SEE what you were doing? Was it fun?
Clara: You know what? I’m withdrawing from this conversation. In fact- (checks her watch) if I hurry, I can probably get back to the group in time to catch some of the ice show. (She starts to get up. However, Ling-Ling hops up on the back of the couch and grabs her arm.)
Ling-Ling: Carla, wait. This true, Carla? Land whale really break open princess fortune cookie?
Clara: (stops) No. No, Ling-Ling, it isn’t true. Yes, Toot and I may have been naked in bed together one night, but nothing actually happened!
Marty: In bed together? You were in bed together?
Clara: I have GOT to stop saying things!
Marty: So what are you going to spill next? "Oh, yes, Toot and I may have been riding each other like donkeys, but nothing actually happened!"
Clara: You finished now?
Marty: Yeah, that one joke was pretty much all I had.
Toot walks over to Clara and takes her hand.
Toot: Clara... I think we’re going to have to tell them exactly what happened that night.
Clara: But we swore we would never tell!
Toot: I know. But for the sake of your marriage... and because I really don’t think you want Marty filling in the blanks himself... I think it’s time we tell.
Clara: I suppose you’re right, Toot. All right, everyone. Toot and I will tell you the story of exactly what took place that fateful night. (Everyone sits back down. Clara begins.) All right, I’ll begin. Ling-Ling, you remember that time Xandir was going to come out to his parents, and we decided to help him by role-playing? (Ling-Ling nods.) As you recall, I was playing Xandir’s old girlfriend Mary Lou Slutski, and Toot was playing his father...
(to be continued...)