DTBL episode 20: Two Steps Forward, Twelve Steps B

[Raymond-Raymond]

TWO STEPS FORWARD, TWELVE STEPS BACK

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. Cut to the interior where we see Toot and Marty watching TV.

TV announcer: And we now return you to “Lord of the Flies: The Sitcom”.

Ralph: (on TV) Jack! Where’s Piggy?

Jack: (on TV) I don’t know, Ralph. I haven’t seen your wife! (canned laughter)

Ralph: (on TV) Very funny, Jack. Now what happened to Piggy?

Jack: (on TV) Oh yeah. We were playing a game called “Let’s see who can get crushed by a giant boulder the worst” and he won.

Ralph: (on TV) You killed Piggy?

Jack: (on TV) Of course not. He committed suicide! If he’d really wanted to live, he wouldn’t have stood there at ground zero with his back to that boulder, now would he? (canned laughter)

Ralph: (on TV) Oh well, I guess that means we’ll be having bacon for dinner tonight! (extremely muted reaction from audience) You know… cause his name was Piggy. Get it? Pig? Bacon? (very mild canned laughter) Hey, I wonder if he’s related to Kevin Bacon! (There is the sound of Ralph screaming, suggesting Jack is committing an act of violence against him. The audience cheers.)

Toot: I’m glad Spanky’s not here to see this.

Marty: Why? You think he’d be offended by the pig jokes?

Toot: No, the show just really sucks and I don’t think he’d enjoy it.

Just then, the door opens. Captain Hero staggers in, obviously intoxicated.

Marty: Hey, Captain Hero.

Hero: Hey, Wooldoor. Hey, Foxxy.

Marty: (looking at Toot) Which of us is which?

Toot: I’ll take Wooldoor. (throws arms in the air) Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Marty: Hello, Captain Hero. What the shizzizzle is you doin’ comin’ home all intoximacted? Hold on a second, I gotta take my top off for no apparent reason. (mimes taking his top off, then turns to Toot) How was that?

Toot: Good, but you forgot to refer to yourself in the third person and accuse everyone else of being racist.

Marty: Oh, right, sorry.

Hero: Hey you two, guess what I just got through doing!

Toot: Are we gonna have to clean the sidewalk again?

Hero: Yes. But don’t worry, it’s not number two this time.

Marty: Number three?

Hero: Number seven.

Marty: (to Toot) I didn’t know there was a number seven.

Toot: (to Marty) Captain Hero found one.

Hero: Anyway, Ling-Ling, that’s not what I was talking about! I just got my paycheck! Wheeeee! (falls over drunk)

Marty: Your paycheck?

Toot: Yeah, Captain Hero has a new part-time job as the producer’s pool boy. He gets paid in booze.

Hero: I'm climbing the corporate ladder! *hic*

Marty: Captain Hero? (Hero doesn’t respond.)

Toot: I think he’s passed out.

Marty: Would it be okay to just leave him here and go on with our business?

Toot: Yeah, it’s what we usually do.

Marty: Cool. (They walk back in the house, leaving Hero passed out on the doorstep. As the camera lingers on Hero, Clara walks to the door.)

Clara: I can’t believe no one got the paper yet. (She slides the newspaper from underneath Captain Hero’s face.) Oh, hello, Captain Hero. Payday again? (no answer) Cool. I’ll see you later. (She walks back in the house, leaving Hero still on the doorstep.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

Cut to the kitchen. Spanky, Wooldoor, and Xandir sit at the table playing cards while Toot and Marty stand off to the side.

Wooldoor: Spanky, do you have any queens?

Spanky: You mean besides the one sitting on my left? No. Go fish.

Wooldoor: Okay! (He pulls another card.) Your turn, Spanky!

Spanky: Wooldoor, do you have any jacks?

Wooldoor: You mean besides these? (He pulls some jackrocks out of his pocket and holds them in front of himself.) Nope. Go fish! (Spanky pulls a card.) Hey, Spanky! You have any tens?

Spanky: (pulls out two pictures of naked women and holds one in each hand) You mean besides these? Go fish. (turns to his left) Hey, Xandir!

Xandir: (annoyed) What?

Spanky: Do you have any queens? (Wooldoor and Spanky begin snickering. Xandir grows visibly aggravated.)

Xandir: Come on, that’s not funny, you guys!

Wooldoor: (mockingly) Awww... why not, Xandir?

Xandir: Because, you guys... we’re supposed to be playing poker!

Wooldoor: That’s what we’re playing!

Spanky: Yeah! Wooldoor and I just like to cheat a lot!

Xandir: Oh, forget it! I’m not playing cards with you guys anymore! This is stupid! (He gets up and walks out in a huff. Wooldoor turns to Spanky.)

Wooldoor: Wow, Spanky, you were right. Annoying the hell out of Xandir IS a lot of fun!

Spanky: Didn’t I tell you it would be?

Wooldoor: So you want to play by the rules now?

Spanky: You bet. (throws his cards down) Gin! I win.

Wooldoor: Awwww! Oh well, better luck next time.

Foxxy enters the kitchen and goes to the refrigerator where Toot and Marty are standing.

Foxxy: Hey y’all, what’s shakin’? Besides my booty?

Marty: Not much, Foxxy.

Toot: Captain Hero’s passed out drunk on the doorstep in case you’re curious.

Foxxy: I know, I already found him and brought him inside. I put him in bed so he could sleep it off.

Toot: Oh, God, you didn’t put him in our room, did you? I don’t want to get under the covers tonight and discover my bed is covered in number seven!

Foxxy: No, Toot, I put him to bed in his own room. You know, the first door on the right.

Wooldoor: Um, Foxxy, our room is the second door on the right.

Foxxy: What’s that you say, Wooldoor? Second door? Hang on a second, the Foxxy got to figure this one out. (She begins counting on her fingers.) Let me see, add the two, carry the four... (thinks for a minute) Hmm... I'd better take my shoes off for this one. (She sits down, removes her boots, and begins counting on her toes.) You’re right, Wooldoor! I guess you do sleep in the second room on the right. But then... whose room did I put him in?

Just at that moment, there is a blood-curdling female scream from upstairs. The housemates wince and cover their ears.

Toot: Three guesses, Foxxy.

Foxxy: I’ll guess... Xandir! No? Oh, well, I still got two more guesses left. Wooldoor?

An extremely angry Clara enters the kitchen clad in a bathrobe.

Clara: All right, you guys, I demand to know what the hell is going on here!

Foxxy: Whatchoo mean?

Clara: I want to know who the prankster is who left THIS in my bed! (She turns into the doorway and turns back around holding Captain Hero in her arms.) Very funny, you guys!

Marty: Damn! She is strong!

Toot: Pfft. Like there’s anyone in this house who CAN’T lift Captain Hero! Except Xandir.

Clara: I was just finishing my shower and I had come back to my room to get dressed when- (She suddenly cuts off when she sees Spanky leering at her and grinning lasciviously.) Oh, for God’s sake, Spanky, is just MENTIONING myself showering enough to turn you on?

Spanky: Sorry, Clara, but with you, implied nudity is the best I’ll ever get.

Clara: (still annoyed but choosing to move on) Anyway, I was just about to get dressed when I saw this huge lump in my bed. (As she continues speaking, Ling-Ling enters.) At first, I thought it was Ling-Ling’s giant Hello Kitty plush doll, but then when I pulled back the covers, I saw... it!

Foxxy: Now, Clara, my boyfriend is not an it! He’s a he! Except on Friday nights, when we role-play.

Clara: I don’t mean Captain Hero, Foxxy. I mean Little Hero.

Toot: Little Hero was out?

Clara: Oh, yes. Little Hero was out just romping around and having a fun day running through the fields and playing in the meadow with his good friend Mr. Hand!

Marty: He can still do that passed out drunk?

Clara: Yes. Apparently with Hero it’s gotten to the point where it’s just instinct now.

Wooldoor: So did you see it?

Clara: Yes, Wooldoor. I saw it.

Wooldoor: (eagerly) So how big was it? Was it huge like I’ve always pictured it? (Clara looks at him strangely. Wooldoor sits back down slightly embarrassed.)

Foxxy: Clara, Clara, Clara, what is the big deal? So you saw Captain Hero’s penis. So what? You should be used to that by now.

Clara: Yes, Foxxy, sadly I am. I think I’ve actually seen his genitalia more than I’ve seen my own. But the point, Foxxy, is what was it doing in my bed?

Toot: I think you already told us what it was doing, Clara. It was having fun!

Foxxy: I’m sorry, Clara, it won’t happen again. Here, just let me have him- (as she says this, Clara hands Hero over to her)- and I’ll take him up to his own room to finish sleeping it off.

Clara: Don’t worry, Foxxy, that won’t be necessary. (She leans over to Hero and puts her mouth to his ear and yells.) WAKE UP! (Hero opens his eyes, but he is still very groggy.) And sober up too while you’re at it! (She slaps him. Hero straightens up.)

Hero: Sorry about that, Clara.

Clara: It’s all right.

Hero: Oh, Clara! I had the most interesting dream about you!

Clara: I could tell.

Spanky walks over to Ling-Ling.

Spanky: So... a giant plush doll of Hello Kitty, eh, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Shut up, honorable pig demon! Hello Kitty national symbol of pride in Ling-Ling’s homeland! She represent all that good about Asia!

Spanky: Yeah! Women with big eyes and tiny feet, just like you Asianses love! (As the conversation continues, Toot and Marty walk back into the living room.)

Marty: Wow, this was a very eventful breakfast.

Toot: Nah, just your average morning in the Drawn Together house!

They sit down on the couch and turn on the TV.

TV announcer: And we now return you to “Hostel: The Sitcom”.

Steve (on TV): Here’s your weapon, Fred. Now just go into that first room there and torture the person you find in there.

Fred (on TV): You got it, Steve! (The shot changes to Toot and Marty watching on the couch while the show continues in the background.)

Fred (on TV): I am here to torture you!

Debbie (on TV): Oh no! (Her tone suddenly changes.) Wait… your voice sounds kinda familiar.

Fred (on TV): Debbie?

Debbie (on TV): Fred? Is that you?

Fred (on TV): Oh my God! Debbie! My old girlfriend from high school! How have you been?

Debbie (on TV): I’ve been good, Fred. So what are you into these days?

Fred (on TV): I’m a torturer now! What about you?

Debbie (on TV): Oh, I sold myself into prostitution and now I’m tied up about to be tortured!

Fred (on TV): You look great.

Debbie (on TV): Thanks. (The shot changes back to the show.)

Fred (on TV) Well, I guess we’d better get to the torturing.

Debbie (on TV): I suppose we’d better.

Debbie closes her eyes and steels herself. Fred pulls an object out of his pocket.

Debbie (on TV): Oh my God! You’re going to torture me with- (sees the object) a bologna sandwich? (Canned laughter. Steve bursts in.)

Steve (on TV): Oh my God! I gave you a bologna sandwich? Then... what did I give the wife for lunch? (Wild canned laughter.)

Debbie (on TV) Hey, if you still want to torture me, you could just feed me the sandwich. I *hate* bologna! (More canned laughter.)

Cut back to Toot and Marty. Clara walks in and stands behind them.

Clara: Hey, you guys, can I have the TV now? There’s a show on the History Channel I want to watch.

Toot: (bitterly) Let me guess, another Holocaust special?

Clara: Now, Toot, there’s no need to be so bitter. I mean, just because our side WON...

Toot: Clara, the Holocaust was not a contest! It was mass genocide committed against an entire race of people!

Clara: So you got your asses kicked. Big deal! Move on!

Marty: Hold on a minute, Clara. I thought you got over that whole anti-Semitism thing.

Clara: I did, Marty, I did. I promise you, I don’t hate Jews anymore at all.

Toot: At all?

Clara: Okay, maybe a little. But I’m trying. Really, I am.

Toot: It’s okay, Clara. Baby steps, I know.

Clara: Yeah. So Marty... what’s your story? Religiously, I mean. Are you Jewish? Protestant?

Marty: Catholic, actually. (Clara’s eyes light up.)

Clara: Ooooh... Catholic, you say? (A wide smile crosses her face.)

Toot: Back off, Clara, Marty’s mine! I saw him first!

Clara: Sorry. Reflex action. So anyway, Marty, go on. Is your whole family Catholic?

Marty: No, Hindu. I’m actually Indian, didn’t you know?

Clara: You don’t look Indian.

Toot: Appearances can be deceiving. I’m actually Mexican!

Clara: Yeah, Braunstein... now that’s a Spanish name if I ever heard one! Would you be a dear and send my regards to Señora Finkleman, please?

Toot: Okay, fine, I’m German. Are you happy now?

Clara: Yes, but only because Ling-Ling and I are going to be having sex later. (Toot and Marty look at her stunned.) Yes, I said sex! What, are you surprised that the virtuous princess actually has sex with her husband?

Marty: To be honest... yes.

Clara: I know. Living in this house has really turned me into a whore. Ling-Ling asked me if we could do it with the lights on tonight, and I’m actually considering doing it. God, what happened to my morals?

Marty: Clara, believe it or not, it’s not a sin to have sex with one’s spouse. In fact, the Catholic church strongly encourages intermarital sex.

Clara: I suppose you’re right. I never really paid attention to that part of the Bible because it didn’t fit in with my own personal views on the subject.

Marty: Well, now you know.

Toot: And knowing is half the battle.

Marty: G.I. Joe.

Clara: You seem like a pretty faithful Catholic, Marty.

Marty: I guess to a certain extent.

Clara: Is your whole family Catholic, too?

Marty: Oh, yeah. The Fitzpatricks have been staunch Catholics for generations.

Toot: Do they have a problem with you dating a Jewish girl? (Marty does not answer, but looks around worried.) Marty? (still no answer) They do know I’m Jewish, right? Marty?

Marty: Um... so what channel was that Holocaust thing on, Clara?

Toot: Marty! (Marty quickly turns to Toot.)

Marty: Okay, Toot, it’s like this. The only reason I haven’t told my family you’re Jewish is because... (She gives him an extremely angry look. He suddenly smiles.)... because I wanted to see the look on your face when I tried to act like I hadn’t told them! (Toot’s anger dissipates.)

Toot: Oh, Marty, you’re so silly.

Marty: Of course I’ve told them, Toot. You don’t think I would keep something important like that from them, do you?

Toot: So they’re fine with it?

Marty: Yeah, they’re fine with it. I’d better warn you, though. If you ever go to my family’s house for dinner, my mom will call you a whore.

Toot: (dismissively) Eh- most moms call me that anyway.

Clara: So where’s your family from, for real?

Toot: God, Clara, what are you, the backstory monitor?

Wooldoor (in confessional): (disappointed, wearing a crossing guard outfit) I wanted to be backstory monitor!

Marty: It’s okay, Toot. (to Clara) My family’s Irish, actually. (Toot suddenly perks up.)

Toot: Ooh! You’re Irish?

Marty: Yeah. I’m Irish.

Clara: Didn’t you know that already, Toot?

Marty: I guess it never came up before.

Toot: Unlike some people, I’m more interested in people’s personalities than their biographical details. (She turns to Marty excitedly.) So anyway, let’s get back to you being Irish!

Marty: (confused) Wow, you REALLY like me being Irish for some reason.

Toot: Well... if you’re Irish… that means you know where all the good bars are!

Marty: Bars... so you like drinking, eh?

Toot: Well...

Clara: (in confessional) I was torn. About fifty different sarcastic responses to Marty’s question whizzed through my head. I guess I just panicked.

Clara: So... um... yeah. Toot likes drinking like... um...

Toot: Like Foxxy likes sex.

Clara: Dammit!

Toot: Or Spanky likes pornography.

Clara: Crap!

Toot: Or Ling-Ling likes women with small feet.

Clara: Oh God, how could I have missed that one? (sighs) Listen, you guys, I must be really off my game today, so I’m just gonna take off, okay? Bye. (She hurriedly walks out. The scene changes to a shot of her on the stairs.) Like Xandir likes mangina. Dammit! (sighs) Oh, well, too late now. (She walks back upstairs. The shot cuts back to Toot and Marty on the couch.)

Toot: Come on, Marty. You know I like to have the occasional glass of wine with dinner. Or lunch. Or breakfast. Or ice cream.

Marty: So you just have some wine every so often. That doesn’t make you an alcoholic or anything.

Toot: No...

Marty: But?

Toot: But... the bottle of vodka I have with morning coffee probably does. Or the 50 crates of Captain Morgan I keep in the basement. Or the subscription I have to Whiskey of the Month Club.

Marty: (concerned) Oh my God, Toot, this sounds serious.

Toot: Look, Marty. You know I like to drink. I’ve never tried to hide that from you.

Marty: No... I guess I just never realized how much you drank.

Toot: (sighs) I know, Marty, I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But it’s a problem I’ve been dealing with for a long time, and I just didn’t want it to be your problem too.

Marty: Toot, your problems are my problems, period. Now what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t try to help you?

Toot: Thanks, Marty. That’s so sweet of you.

Marty: So have you tried to quit?

Toot: Yes. I’ve tried the AA thing several times. But somehow, I just never could get my resolve to stick. I would always feel so hopelessly empty inside, and only booze could fill the hole.

Marty: I see. Toot, if I may offer a suggestion?

Toot: Sure.

Marty: You say you drank because there was an emptiness in your life. (She nods.) Surely, though... that’s not true anymore, is it?

Toot: (thinks) No... no, it’s not. I mean... things are actually going great for me now. I’ve got a boyfriend who really loves me, so I’m not lonely anymore. There used to be tension between me and my housemates, but we get along great now. Clara and I are almost even best friends now. For the first time in my life... I think I’m truly happy.

Marty: I know you are, Toot. I guess that’s why it surprised me you still need alcohol.

Toot: (thinks for a moment, then realizes) I don’t. I don’t need alcohol anymore at all. I actually have something to live for now.

Marty: Does this mean what I think it means?

Toot: Yes, Marty, it does. I think this is my chance to quit drinking and finally get sober!

Marty: There you go!

Toot: But Marty, it’s not going to be easy, I’m sure.

Marty: Don’t worry, Toot, you won’t be doing it alone. You know I’m going to be right there with you every step of the way.

Toot: Thanks, Marty.

Foxxy: And so will we, Toot!

Toot and Marty turn around to see the rest of the housemates standing behind them.

Spanky: Yeah, Toot, we’re your friends!

Hero: We’ll do anything to help you!

Toot: Wow, you guys, that’s great!

Wooldoor: Awww... thanks!

Toot: But kinda creepy, though.

Marty: Yeah, could you knock or something next time? Don’t just walk in and stand behind us like peeping toms, okay?

Foxxy: Sorry. (They slink off. Toot and Marty look at each other. The scene fades.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Toot: (in confessional) The first thing we decided needed to be done was for me to start going to AA meetings again. Unfortunately, when we went to the AA building, we learned it had been shut down for being a heroin den. (thinks for a moment) Crap, now I wish I hadn’t stopped going. But anyway, they told Marty and me there was a new AA chapter that was meeting at this place across the street.

Cut to a parking lot where we see the exterior of a Taco Bell. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Toot and Marty standing inside the door.

Marty: Okay, Toot, you ready?

Toot: (takes a deep breath) Ready! Let’s begin our trek down the long hard road to sobriety!

They walk over to a table in the corner. As soon as they get there, however, both of them immediately react with dread.

Toot: Oh, no!

Marty: Oh, crap.

The shot changes to the group. We see that it is none other than Chad, Helen, and Don from Toot’s anger management group.

Chad: (excitedly) Toot! Marty! It’s great to see you guys again!

Marty: Um, look, I think we came to the wrong place.

Toot: Yeah, we were trying to find the new AA chapter.

Chad: Yeah, that’s us! Come on and sit down!

Marty: You mean... YOU’RE the new chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Helen: That’s right!

Toot: So... you’re all alcoholics now?

Don: That’s right.

Marty: Was it Chad? Did he drive you all to it?

Chad: (laughs) Marty, don’t be silly! The only person I’ve ever driven to alcoholism is my mother-in-law!

Marty: (surprised) Wait a minute. Mother-in-law? You’re married? You mean... a woman actually consented to spend the rest of her life with you?

Chad: I *was* married. But unfortunately my wife has passed on. Turned out those warning labels on aspirin bottles are there for a reason! Boy, I won’t make that mistake again!

Toot: (looks at Marty) You know, maybe having a drinking problem isn’t so bad.

Chad: Come on, Toot, we want to help you!

Don: Yeah, like we helped you with your anger problem!

Toot immediately grabs Don by the collar and yanks him toward her with a furious look on her face.

Toot: What did you say?

Chad: Don, didn’t you forget? Toot walked out on us before we could help her!

Don: Oh yeah.

Toot: Ah, forget it! (She throws Don down.) You’re not worth breaking the three year streak I have going of not killing anyone!

Don: Whew, thanks!

Chad: Maybe you HAVE learned to control your anger, Toot! Now if we could just keep you from lashing out about silly things...

Toot: (glares at Chad) YOU, on the other hand, ARE worth breaking my streak over!

Helen: Better not mess with her, Chad, she looks serious.

Toot: (to Helen) I like you. I’m gonna kill you last.

Chad: Okay, look, you guys, I know we got off to a bad start, but we want to help you. Really, we do. So why don’t you just sit down with us and we’ll see how it goes.

Toot: Well... I guess we can do that.

Chad: (as Toot and Marty pull up chairs and sit down) Good. Then let’s get started.

Marty: So, Helen. Did you ever figure out whether you’re a man or a woman?

Helen: Well... I did some heavy thinking about it. I talked to everyone in my family... I even talked to my priest. Oh, and a guy named Ronald who lives in the alley behind the adult bookstore- I talked to him too. And after doing all that, along with lots and lots of deep soul searching... I’m now about 70% convinced I’m a woman.

Marty: Or a man with really nice boobs.

Helen: Oh my God... you’re right! (begins to despair) I’m no closer to the truth at all! (snaps her fingers) Bartender, bring me some Scotch! I really need a stiff one right now!

Marty: This is a Taco Bell. They don’t serve Scotch here.

Helen: Oh, no!

Toot: That’s okay, Helen. I’ve got you covered. (She reaches into her purse and pulls out a bottle of Scotch, which she hands to Helen. Helen nods her head gratefully. The scene fades.)

Marty (in confessional) The meeting didn’t go very well, to say the least. Aside from the knowledge that Chad was a bedwetter until he was 27 and that he cries when you punch him, we didn’t really learn anything useful at all. But Toot was determined to get over her alcoholism, and I was determined to help her. So we took a list of the twelve steps in hand and promised each other we wouldn’t quit until she did each and every one of them! (He pauses, then begins to look around.) Well, what do you know? That’s two episodes in a row I’ve been in here. Wow, I’ve almost caught up with Xandir now!

Cut to Toot and Marty in front of the stairs. Marty is holding a list.

Toot: (takes a deep breath) All right. What’s the first step?

Marty: Admit you’re powerless over alcohol.

Toot: Okay. (She pauses.) I’m powerless over alcohol. (She pauses again.) Wow, that was easy! What’s the second step?

Marty: Step two. You must believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.

Toot: A power greater than myself. You mean, like the government? Are we talking about a Prohibition kind of thing?

Toot (in confessional): How ironic is it that this show’s alcoholic character is from an era when booze was outlawed?

Marty: No, Toot, not the government.

Toot: Ohhhh… I almost forgot... the most powerful force of all! Peer pressure!

Marty: Actually, Toot, I think they mean God.

Toot: Oh, yeah. God’s greater than me. I guess.

Marty: We could always ask Clara.

Toot: (looks up at the sky and clenches her fists) YOU ARE THE GREATEST! (She looks back at Marty.) That good?

Marty: Yeah, that’ll do. Okay, step three. Make a decision to turn your life over to God wholeheartedly.

Toot: Wait a second. Is this the twelve-step rules or an instruction manual for Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Marty: Believe it or not, these are the twelve-step rules as defined by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Toot: I guess if you’re an atheist with a drinking problem, you’re screwed! (Marty nods.) Okay, I’m putting myself in God’s hands. (She takes another breath.) Right now.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Clara appears. She begins hugging Toot.

Clara: Oh, Toot, you’ve finally given your life over to God! I’m so happy for you! Does this mean we can go to church together now?

Toot: Sure, Clara! You can come to the synagogue with me this Saturday!

Clara: I gotta go. (She quickly turns and runs back upstairs. Toot watches her go, then turns to Marty.)

Toot: What’s the next step?

Marty: Step four. Take a complete and thorough moral inventory of yourself.

Toot: Moral inventory? You mean, like walk around with clipboards and scanners and make a beeping sound every time I do something wrong?

Marty: I think you're just supposed to take a good look at yourself and examine all the good and bad parts of your personality.

Toot: Okay. Let’s see... well, my good points are that I’m spunky with lots of charisma and charm. I’m funny and cute and I’m a lot of fun to be with! I enjoy long walks on the beach, music, fine dining-

Marty: Toot- stop quoting your personal ad.

Toot: Right. Sorry.

Marty: So what would you say are your bad points?

Toot: I don’t know. Aside from my hideous foul temper, my self-mutilation, my alcoholism, my constant swearing, my many suicides, my eating everything I can get my hands on, my questionable sexual morals, and all the random acts of nonsensical violence I commit toward others on a daily basis, I don’t really have any bad points.

Marty: Fair enough. We’ll move on to step five, then. Admit to God, yourself, and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.

Toot: Okay. (looks up again) Hey, God? All that stuff I just said. (looks over at Marty) You too, Marty. (pauses) Okay, that's five down. Step six?

Marty: Make yourself ready for God to fix all these defects of character.

Toot: So what, do I turn in a work order or something?

Marty: No, Toot. You know what to do.

Toot: Right. (She looks up again.) Hey, God? Can you fix all that crap that’s wrong with me? Cool. (looks at Marty again) Okay. Step seven.

Marty: Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings.

Toot: I just did that.

Marty: Did you do it humbly?

Toot: (thinks for a moment) I thought I did.

Marty: Maybe you’d better do it again just to be sure. And make sure you’re humble this time.

Toot: How do I do that? Wait, I know. (sighs exasperatedly) Clara... get down here.

Cut to the living room moments later. Clara and Toot are kneeling together, both barefoot and wearing sack dresses. Clara is extremely excited.

Clara: Wow, Toot, I’m so psyched you want me to share my ritual with you! This is really a bonding moment for us!

Toot: I guess. So why are we dressed like this?

Clara: It’s for humility, Toot. We must show God that we are willing to divest ourselves of all our earthly trappings to be closer to him. That’s why we remove our regular clothes, our jewelry, and our shoes.

Toot: But isn’t the sack dress an earthly trapping? If we truly want to humble ourselves, shouldn’t we be completely naked?

Hero: (suddenly appearing on the stairs) That’s what I said!

Clara: Get back to your cage, Hero! (Hero walks back upstairs disappointed. Clara turns to Toot.) Yes, Toot, technically the sack dress is an earthly trapping. But if we kneel in front of everybody completely naked, that makes us filthy whores. And God doesn’t like filthy whores.

Spanky: (suddenly appearing on the stairs) But Spanky sure does!

Toot: Well, if you like whores so much, Spanky, why don't you just go back to your mom’s house and leave us alone!

Spanky: Geez, what crawled up her ass and died? Besides that cockroach I hid in her bed last night. (He walks back upstairs.)

Clara: But don’t worry, Toot. As far as humility goes, the sack dress is quite sufficient.

Toot: Okay- so now what?

Clara: Now... we pray.

Toot: Cool. (clenches her hands together and looks up) Hey, God... all that crap I asked you about earlier... could you fix it for me? Thanks. (looks at Clara) We done?

Clara: We’re done!

Toot: Cool! Thanks for your help, Clara.

Clara: Don’t mention it. (Clara gets up and starts to walk back upstairs. Just as she gets to the stairs, she suddenly stops.) Ooh, almost forgot! (She walks back over to where Toot is and picks up her dress.) Better not leave this laying around or Xandir might decide to start wearing it again! (She walks back upstairs. Toot turns to Marty.)

Toot: Okay, Marty, I’m ready for step eight now.

Marty: Make a list of everyone you’ve wronged and become prepared to make amends.

Toot: And let me guess. Step nine is actually MAKING those amends?

Marty: Yeah.

Toot: (sighs) Make amends to everyone I’ve wronged. (sighs again) Thiiiiiis could take a while.

Marty: Yeah.

Toot: Might as well start with the biggest one. (calls upstairs) Clara? You’d better get back down here.

Toot (in confessional) So after I finished making a list of every little sin I’ve ever committed in my life and then calling a bunch of people I really didn’t want to ever have to talk to again, like my high school guidance counselor, my creepy uncle Walt, Tori Spelling, this hobo I stabbed for bread money this one time- who fortunately was listed in the phone book- I had completely relived a lot of really painful memories. Suddenly I remembered why I started drinking in the first place.

Toot: (to Wooldoor) And Wooldoor, I’m sorry that I called you an annoying yellow whatchamahoochie. I realize now that you’re actually an annoying yellow whatchamacallit. Forgive me?

Wooldoor: (eyeing her skeptically) I don’t know... you have candy? (She holds out a giant lollipop. Wooldoor grabs it happily.) I forgive you! Wheeeeeeeeeee!!! (He runs back upstairs giddily licking his lollipop. At the top of the stairs, he runs into Spanky.) Hey, Spanky! Look! I got another one! Now I’m glad Toot always acts like a complete bitch to me! (Wooldoor and Spanky exit.)

Toot: Okay, we done?

Marty: I think so.

Toot: Oh, crap, no we’re not. I forgot someone important!

Marty: Who?

Toot: You! I forgot to make amends for everything I’ve done to you!

Marty: Oh. Well, don’t worry, Toot. We’re cool.

Toot: Really? Even the fact that the first time we met I gave you a concussion?

Marty: Yeah, I’m past that. No biggie.

Toot: Great! Then we can move on to step ten!

Marty: Step ten. Continue to take personal inventory and when you’re wrong, promptly admit it.

Toot: Okay. Personal inventory again. Good points- the things I mentioned earlier. Bad points- the things I mentioned earlier. And when I’m wrong, promptly admit it?

Marty: When you’re wrong, promptly admit it.

There is a long pause.

Toot: I’m not wrong.

There is another pause.

Marty: Okay.

Another long pause.

Toot: What’s next?

Marty: Step eleven. Pray to God that he may show you his will for you and give you the power and knowledge to carry that out.

Toot: More God stuff? Did Clara write these rules or something? (Marty shrugs.) Fine. (Toot kneels again.) God? Please show me your will for me and give me the power and knowledge to carry that out. (She gets up.) Woohoo! Almost done!

Clara: (from upstairs, threateningly) Toot...

Toot: Sorry! (kneels again) Amen! (She gets back up.) That good?

Clara: (from upstairs) Thank you!

Toot: (not even trying to conceal her excitement) Only one more step to go and I’m free of booze forever! I’m so excited! What’s step twelve?

Marty: Have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and continue to practice these principles as you go through life.

Suddenly Toot freezes in place. Her smile turns to a frown. Her eyes droop.

Toot: A spiritual awakening?

Marty: Yeah.

Toot: (frustrated) Goddammit! How am I going to have a spiritual awakening?

Marty: Should we send for Clara again?

Toot: No. Not yet, at least. (She walks over to the couch and sits down.) Marty, how am I going to have a spiritual awakening?

Marty: You don’t think you can?

Toot: I don’t know. I mean, a spiritual awakening isn’t something you can just decide to do! It has to come to you.

Marty: Don’t you think it will?

Toot: Maybe. I don’t know. (She sighs, depressed.) I guess I’ve hit a snag on my ladder to an alcohol-free life. So now what do I do?

Marty: Well... if you’re not free of alcohol... I guess you could go back to AA.

Toot: Back to AA? Are you kidding? I’d rather just quit drinking cold turkey than spend another moment in the company of that bunch of losers!

Marty: I can definitely sympathize.

Toot: Besides, it’s not like my drinking is that out of hand anyway! I mean, sure, it USED to be pretty bad, but it really isn’t anymore. I haven't gotten drunk since I've met you. Okay, I've gotten drunk, but I haven't gotten reeeeeeeally drunk! I mean, I haven't gotten wrist slashing-chandelier swinging-couch jumping-carriage jacking-baby abandoning-taking a grocery store hostage-greenlighting the production of Speed 2-smashed out of my mind drunk since we've been dating. Sure, I still have a few drinks now and again, but I never lose control. I don’t WANT to lose control anymore. Now that I have something to live for with you, I don’t feel the need to escape from everything like I used to. Ever since I’ve been with you... I’ve just found life is more fun being sober.

Marty: Really? Are you sure about that?

Toot: Yes. Yes, Marty, I am. (She pauses for a moment. Suddenly, she has her epiphany.) Oh, my God. I don’t need to conquer my alcoholism at all. I’ve already conquered it! I guess I kicked the booze habit a long time ago and never even realized it!

Marty: You know what I think, Toot? (She looks at him.) I think you’ve just had your spiritual awakening.

Toot: (smiles) Yeah. I guess I did.

Marty: So that’s it! You’ve finished the twelve steps now!

Toot leans over and hugs Marty.

Toot: Thank you, Marty. I never could have done it without you.

Marty: Oh, sure you could have. It just would have taken a little longer.

Toot: And not just this. Thank you for being part of my life.

Marty: Toot, I’m the one who should be thanking you.

Just then, a loud alarm starts going off.

Toot: What the toot?

Marty: What’s that box up there on the wall? It’s flashing some sort of message.

They look at the box. There is a message on it that reads “WARNING! EXTREME SAPPINESS DETECTED! PLEASE CLEAR THE AREA AT ONCE!”

Marty: Of all the stupid things! A sappiness detector?

Toot: It’s not fair! That thing NEVER goes off for Clara and Ling-Ling!

Marty: Maybe we’d better leave.

They walk outside the house. As they stand peacefully in the yard, we see the other housemates run by in various states of panic. Wooldoor is on fire.

Wooldoor: WAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Spanky: (chasing after Wooldoor, holding a fire extinguisher) Wooldoor, stop! I have the right one this time! (They run out of sight. Toot and Marty are alone again.)

Toot: So... this was an eventful day.

Marty: Yes, it was.

They pause for a moment and look around. After a moment, Marty turns to Toot.

Marty: So what do you want to do now?

Toot: I don’t know. I’m still on a bit of a high from the epiphany I had earlier. I’d like to do something with it.

Marty: Like what?

Toot: I want to help someone. I want to help someone else who has a serious problem overcome it. (She looks at Marty.) You know anyone we could help?

Marty: Actually, Toot, I do. I know someone with a VERY serious problem and I really think we should help them.

Toot: Perfect! So who are they?

Cut to the corner table at Taco Bell. Toot, Marty, Don, and Helen stand facing the table.

Chad: Hey, you guys! What’s this?

Marty: Chad... this is an intervention.

Chad: An intervention? For what?

Toot: You need help, Chad. You need help big time.

Marty: Chad... you’re a complete retard who annoys the CRAP out of everyone you come into contact with. We've got to do something about that.

Toot: That’s why we’re here, Chad. To get you to seek help for the fact that you’re a hopeless idiot who doesn’t deserve to be let out in society unsupervised!

Chad stares in complete confusion. Toot and Marty smile at each other.


THE END