Post by Raymond-Raymond on Apr 1, 2007 21:22:03 GMT -5
THE NAKED TRUTH
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. A voice-over intones, "Previously on Drawn Together". We see the housemates gathered in the living room.
Xandir: So that’s what my middle initial P stands for!
Toot: That explains why we’ve never been allowed to say it on television!
Clara: It feels hot in here. Does anyone else think it’s hot in here?
Wooldoor: I do! I think I’m going to have to take my clothes off right now and go naked! Wheeeeeeeee!
Clara: Good idea, Wooldoor! I think I’m going to take my dress off and go naked too. Is that all right with you guys?
Spanky: Yeah, I guess so.
Hero: Do what you gotta do, Clara.
Clara: Thanks, guys.
Clara starts to pull her dress off and fling it aside. However, just before her naked body becomes visible, the screen freezes.
Announcer: And now... the dramatic conclusion to Drawn Together (he suddenly breaks off as the screen goes black)... will not be seen tonight! So that we may bring you the following special presentation!
Against a brightly colored rainbow background, a logo comes on the screen.
Announcer: It’s... The Judge Fudge Show! Starring Judge Fudge!
The scene changes to the Fudge household. We see two small Fudge children sitting eagerly at a dinner table.
Fudge boy: Are they ready, Mom? Are they ready?
Fudge girl: We’re starving!
The Fudge mother enters holding a tray of brownies.
Mrs. Fudge: They’re ready, children! Here you go! A freshly baked batch of Mrs. Fudge’s delicious fudge brownies!
As the children cheer, Mrs. Fudge puts the tray down on the table. Both children eagerly begin taking brownies off the tray and eating them as quickly as they can.
Fudge boy: These are great, Mom!
Fudge girl: Yeah, Mom! Your fudge brownies are the best!
The children continue eating for a moment. Suddenly the boy stops.
Fudge boy: Hey, Mom? Have you seen Dad?
Mrs. Fudge looks down at the tray in an embarrassed fashion. Suddenly there is silence. The children look down at the brownies with looks of horror on their faces. The boy begins freaking out, while the girl begins to cry. Just at that moment, however, the front door opens and a figure enters.
Judge Fudge: Hey, everyone! How’s my family today?
The children suddenly look in Judge Fudge’s direction and become ecstatic. They rush over to him.
Fudge girl: Oh, Daddy, Daddy, you’re okay!
Fudge boy: I’m so glad you’re home, Dad!
Fudge girl: I was scared to death you’d been chopped up into delicious fudge brownies and we were eating you for dinner!
Judge Fudge: Hey, kids. I don’t have time to be your dinner! I’m far too busy being... DELICIOUS!
As the kids hug him happily, the screen suddenly goes black. The scene changes to the housemates in the living room. Spanky is holding the remote control.
Spanky: Good God, that show sucks!
Toot: It’s like they took one of my bowel movements, filmed it, and put it on TV!
Foxxy: Is there any lamer premise possible? The Foxxy thinks there ain’t!
Clara: I can’t believe they based an entire series around some stupid catchphrase! "I’m far too busy being delicious!" I mean, that’s just dumb!
Toot: What I want to know is if he’s that delicious, how come you don’t ever see anyone eating him?
Xandir: Don’t be silly, Toot. If you ate him, there wouldn’t be a show anymore!
Spanky: You’re right, Xandir! In fact- I know what we’ll do! Let’s all go down to the TV studio, kidnap the Fudge family, and EAT them! Then we’ll put our own show on the air and base it on something a lot more solid than some stupid catchphrase! And best of all, nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong!
Foxxy: Now, Spanky. Be that as it may...
Wooldoor: Let’s go! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! (He begins running around in circles.)
Hero: I sense trouble brewing! Save yourselves! (He flies through the wall.)
Clara: Oh, my!
Toot: Goddammit!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on Foxxy and Hero in Hero’s bedroom. Hero is getting dressed.
Foxxy: That was nice. Not as nice as last time, but I guess you were just tired.
Hero: Yeah, maybe next time I’ll remember to take the Viagra BEFORE the lovemaking.
Foxxy: Yeah, maybe so. I just hope this isn’t the start of a trend.
Hero: A trend? Foxxy, are you worried that we’ve already lost the spark between us?
Foxxy: No, Captain Hero, not at all! I just think we’s in a rut, that’s all.
Hero: A rut, you say?
Foxxy: We just need to think of something we can do to spice it up in some way.
Hero: What if we use the power tools?
Foxxy: No, I’m tired of those.
Hero: The IV tubes?
Foxxy: No, I'm tired of those, too.
Hero: A threesome with your deformed cousin Fanny the Midget?
Foxxy: You'd think that would do the trick, but believe it or not, it don't.
Hero: Well, then, how about we finally bring in that 12-year-old girl and a donkey like we talked about?
Foxxy: Oh, don’t be silly, Captain Hero! You want to have sex with some 12-year-old girl? Who do you think you is, my grandpa?
Hero: Oh, no, no, Foxxy... the 12-year-old girl is for YOU.
Foxxy: (realizing) Oh... I see. Yeah, that makes more sense now.
Hero: Or we could get back to basics. You know, like wearing each other’s underwear!
Foxxy: That won’t work, Captain Hero, I don’t wear underwear.
Hero: That’s no problem. You can wear my underwear and I’ll go commando! Then we’ll switch!
Foxxy: That sounds like a good idea. So where do you keep your underwear?
Hero: In that top drawer there.
Foxxy walks over to the drawer and begins to open it up. However, just as she is about to do so, Captain Hero suddenly darts out of nowhere to stop her.
Hero: On second thought, don’t bother looking in my underwear drawer, Foxxy! I’ll get it for you! (He quickly opens the drawer, gets out a pair and hands it to Foxxy.) There you go! (Foxxy eyes him suspiciously.)
Foxxy: Captain Hero… if I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was something in that drawer you don’t want me to see. Now what is it?
Hero: Don’t be silly, Foxxy, there’s nothing in that drawer except a bunch of underwear! And some DNA samples from a bunch of dead prostitutes. But nothing else!
Foxxy: Nothing at all?
Hero: Nothing at all! And there are ESPECIALLY no pictures in there from my private collection!
Foxxy: Pictures you say? (Hero gives an extremely fake looking smile.) I’m looking in that drawer. (She turns around and opens the drawer.)
Hero: Foxxy, didn’t you hear me? I said there WEREN’T any photos in that drawer! Weren’t means not! My God, woman, are you deaf or something? (She turns.)
Foxxy: Captain Hero, I am a detective. And I am pretty sure I know how to recognize a guilty party when I see one!
Hero: It wasn’t me, I swear! (He suddenly points across the room.) Wooldoor did it! (Wooldoor sits on his bed looking completely surprised. He gets up.)
Wooldoor: (angry) Hey, that’s no fair, man! I thought it was YOUR turn to take the rap this time! Remember? You owe me for what happened in the alley behind the strip club last Tuesday!
Hero: Just calm down, Wooldoor! I promised you that I’d make sure I talked to the DA about extenuating circumstances!
Wooldoor: (very angry) THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID THE LAST TIME, BITCH!
Hero: Wooldoor, I’ll have you know that a spanking would be in order right now if only my ass didn’t still hurt from last time!
Wooldoor: Oh, yeah? Well, I’ll- wait, what were we talking about?
Hero: I don’t remember.
Wooldoor: Me either. So did you watch the rest of that movie you rented?
Hero: Yeah, I did. And you know, the girl was hot, but if you ask me she can’t act worth- (suddenly sees that Foxxy is looking through the drawer) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Hero grabs Wooldoor and throws him out the window. We see a violent explosion take place outside the window.
Wooldoor (outside the window): Ow.
Hero rushes over to Foxxy.
Hero: Foxxy, I just want you to know those pictures aren’t mine! They’re Spanky’s!
Spanky: (in the hallway passing by) Yeah, right. Like I’d ever keep porn in YOUR room! I know what you do to things! (He walks on by.)
Foxxy: (finding what she is looking for in the drawer) Aha, jackpot! She pulls out a stack of papers. I think I found your so-called "pictures", Captain Hero!
Hero: Foxxy, I just want you to know those pictures aren’t mine! They’re Clara’s!
Foxxy: (looks at him) Are you even trying anymore?
Hero: Not really, no.
Foxxy: Well, now, let’s just see what these pictures is you don’t want me to see! (She begins flipping through them. A look of mild surprise crosses her face.) Well, I’ll be a dead pig in the sunshine!
The scene cuts to Hero in the confessional with an extremely confused look on his face. He begins to speak, but then stops, looking even more confused. He sits for a moment trying to figure out what Foxxy said, but is unsuccessful. The scene changes back to his bedroom.
Foxxy: Why, Captain Hero... these pictures is absolutely adorable!
We see her flip through the pictures. They are typical children’s drawings. The first is a picture of a child with two larger figures labelled Mommy and Daddy. Next there are pictures of animals like dogs and horses. Then we see a picture labeled "What I want to be when I grow up", where we see the child dressed first as a firefighter, then as an astronaut, then finally as a Secret Service agent holding a gun to someone he has pinned to the ground with a speech bubble saying, "Jodie Foster, my ass!". Then we see more pictures of typical school kids, then a picture of an adult figure labeled Daddy. The figure is of a man wearing a business suit and holding a briefcase, and contains a caption that says, "Daddy is an accountant for a big corporation." Finally, we see the last picture, one labeled Mommy. The caption reads, "Mommy is a whore", and pictures her dressed in a dominatrix outfit while accepting money from an extremely tall naked man with a very prominently displayed erect penis.
Foxxy: Did your son draw these? (Hero shakes his head.) Your nephew? (He shakes his head again.) Wooldoor?
Hero: No, Foxxy. The reason I didn’t want you to see those pictures is because... *I* drew them!
Foxxy: Well, Captain Hero, I think that’s really cute. That you would hang on to these childhood drawings you made all those years ago. How old were you when you drew these?
Hero: 31.
Foxxy: Ohhhhhh. Wait, I thought you was only 28.
Hero: I don’t know. I’m not really sure, to be honest. Zebulonian birth records aren’t very reliable.
Foxxy: So why didn’t you want me to see these, Captain Hero?
Hero: Because I was worried that if people saw my drawings, they’d say I was no good and it would crush my spirit! You know, like I did to the Mad Libber’s spine!
Foxxy: Well, I think these pictures is real nice! In fact, I think I’m going to go put a couple of them on the refrigerator right now!
Xandir: (in confessional) It seemed like all the housemates were pursuing their dreams except me. Hero was drawing, Foxxy was playing her music, Clara was witnessing for Jesus, and Spanky was bitchslapping hoes in the parking lot behind McDonald’s. That’s why I decided the time had finally come to live out MY dream!
The scene cuts to the living room of the house. It is tricked out like a hair salon, with a banner on the wall that reads, "Xandir’s Place".
Xandir: My very own hair salon! Look, Wooldoor, isn’t it great?
Wooldoor: (apathetic) I guess.
Xandir: Hey, Wooldoor, I have an idea. You’ve been looking for a summer job, right?
Wooldoor: Yeah. My other summer job didn’t work out so well.
Cut to the street outside the Drawn Together house. We see a child’s lemonade stand. The sign on the stand reads "Lemonade- $.25". Several people are at the stand purchasing lemonade. The camera then pans down the street a few feet to Wooldoor. Behind his stand is an extremely large medical device. The sign on his stand reads, "Kidney Dialysis- $1". Wooldoor is somewhat desperate.
Wooldoor: Oh, come on! After drinking all that lemonade, you guys are going to need this! (He points to the machine behind him.) You know, to filter out the sugar so you don’t get sick! (Everyone ignores him.) Do the words "renal failure" mean NOTHING to you? (He sits back down in disgust. The scene changes back to the present.)
Xandir: Well, I have an idea! How would you like to be my assistant?
Wooldoor: You mean, like, schedule appointments, do people’s hair, and keep the shop clean while you do nothing but sit on your ass and make all the money?
Xandir: Yeah!
Wooldoor: Sounds like fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I’ll do it!
Xandir: Great! Now the first thing we need to do is find our first client!
Wooldoor: You just leave that to me, kitten.
Clara (in confessional): And that was when I began to realize that maybe those prostitutes hadn’t committed suicide after all! Anyway, after I gathered up all the DNA evidence, I- (She is suddenly cut off by a knock at the door.) What the crap? (The knock persists.) Do you mind? I’m in here!
Wooldoor (muffled, from outside the confessional): Clara, I need to talk to you about something! It’s real urgent!
Clara (in confessional): Fine. (She gets up and exits the confessional.) What is it, Wooldoor? (Wooldoor grabs Clara by the hand and begins dragging her to the living room.)
Wooldoor: Clara, Xandir and I are playing a game and we need you to help us!
Clara: Why, of course, Wooldoor, I’d be glad to help you! What game are you playing?
They arrive at the living room. Clara sees the entire place set up like a hair salon. Xandir stands beside a salon chair with a big grin on his face. The smile immediately leaves Clara’s face.
Clara: Oh, fuck me.
Xandir: Oh, come on, Clara! You’ve got to be my first customer! I mean, you’ve got the best hair of anybody I know! Next to myself, of course.
Clara: Wow. Suddenly I’m nostalgic for that time I had my scalp ripped off!
Xandir: Oh, please, Clara? Please?
Clara: Nothing doing, Xandir! (Ling-Ling enters and stands watching.) Trusting you with my hair is like trusting George W. Bush with my algebra homework!
Cut to Bush in the Oval Office. He is sitting at a desk puzzling over a piece of paper.
George: (calling offscreen) Hey, Laura!
Laura: (offscreen) What is it, George?
George: This math is hard! When did they start putting letters with it, anyway? (He begins puzzling over the page again.) Let me see... add the two, carry the four... hmmm. I think I’m gonna have to take my shoes off for this one.
Cut back to the present.
Clara: And besides, Ling-Ling and I have a very important function to go to! We’re going to go throw blood on a bunch of supermodels!
Xandir: Why, are they going to be wearing fur or something?
Clara: Fur? No, I don’t think so. Why? (Xandir shrugs.) Anyway, we have to go now. Come on, Ling-Ling.
Xandir: Well, if you won’t let me use you, then... (He looks at Ling-Ling.) How about Ling-Ling? He’d be GREAT for this!
Clara: You can’t use my husband for your guinea pig either!
Ling-Ling: Actually, Carla... Ling-Ling not mind.
Clara: Are you serious, Ling-Ling? You would really be willing to let Xandir style your hair? (He nods.) Are you sure you trust him?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know Xandir take good care of Ling-Ling. And besides, Xandir is friend. Ling-Ling think it important to show friend that he have faith in him and build up confidence.
Xandir: Ohhhh... you really mean that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: You bet! And Ling-Ling swear that he totally not saying that just so he not have to go to stupid protest with Carla.
Clara looks at Ling-Ling for a moment, then looks at Xandir. Finally, she sighs.
Clara: Well… all right. Fine, Xandir, you can style Ling-Ling’s hair. But I swear to God, if you mess this up, I’m going to rip all your fingernails out by the roots and shove them up your ass!
Xandir: (considering what Clara said) Hmm... (He ponders. A smile crosses his face.) Up my ass, you say?
Clara: (disgusted) Ewww! Just forget I said anything! I’ll see you guys. (She leaves. Xandir turns to Ling-Ling.)
Xandir: All right, big guy, it’s time! (He picks up Ling-Ling and puts him in the chair. However, Ling-Ling is way too short to come up far enough in the seat.) That’s not quite going to work, is it? Hey, Wooldoor-
Wooldoor: I’m on it! (He rushes into the kitchen and returns holding a large stack of phone books.)
Xandir: Perfect! (He puts the phone books in the chair and sets Ling-Ling down on top of the phone books. He then begins to work on styling Ling-Ling’s fur.)
Cut to the Drawn Together kitchen. The scene opens on a close-up of the refrigerator. We see the drawings of Mommy and Daddy as well as a couple of others. In the lower right hand corner, we can see the drawing of Hero making out with the waiter while Clara gives the thumbs-up sign. The camera pans out to reveal Spanky and Hero standing looking at the pictures.
Spanky: Not bad. Not bad at all, if I do say so myself!
Hero: You really like them, Spanky?
Spanky: Captain Hero, if these drawings were pornography, I would SO be whacking off to them right now!
Hero: (giddy) Wow, Spanky, thanks!
Spanky: Tell me this. Have you ever considered working in another medium?
Hero: What do you mean?
Spanky: These drawings here... they’re quite nice. But I think your talents deserve a bigger stage! You need to pursue an art form that allows you to show your work to millions of people and make millions of dollars!
Hero: You want me to be a porn star?
Spanky: Actually, I was going to suggest you take up painting, but now that you mention it-
Hero: (excited like a child) Oh, boy, painting! I’d love to paint, Spanky! I’m going to go get started on that right away! (He runs off.)
Spanky: Crap. Now I wish I hadn’t said anything. Now I’m going to have to go with my second choice.
We see Spanky pull out a paper that says, "Poca-hunt-ass. Director: Spanky Ham. Cast list-" He crosses Captain Hero’s name off the top of the list, and circles the name right underneath it, Marisa Tomei.
Spanky: (looks up) He would have been perfect. (sighs)
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. A voice-over intones, "Previously on Drawn Together". We see the housemates gathered in the living room.
Xandir: So that’s what my middle initial P stands for!
Toot: That explains why we’ve never been allowed to say it on television!
Clara: It feels hot in here. Does anyone else think it’s hot in here?
Wooldoor: I do! I think I’m going to have to take my clothes off right now and go naked! Wheeeeeeeee!
Clara: Good idea, Wooldoor! I think I’m going to take my dress off and go naked too. Is that all right with you guys?
Spanky: Yeah, I guess so.
Hero: Do what you gotta do, Clara.
Clara: Thanks, guys.
Clara starts to pull her dress off and fling it aside. However, just before her naked body becomes visible, the screen freezes.
Announcer: And now... the dramatic conclusion to Drawn Together (he suddenly breaks off as the screen goes black)... will not be seen tonight! So that we may bring you the following special presentation!
Against a brightly colored rainbow background, a logo comes on the screen.
Announcer: It’s... The Judge Fudge Show! Starring Judge Fudge!
The scene changes to the Fudge household. We see two small Fudge children sitting eagerly at a dinner table.
Fudge boy: Are they ready, Mom? Are they ready?
Fudge girl: We’re starving!
The Fudge mother enters holding a tray of brownies.
Mrs. Fudge: They’re ready, children! Here you go! A freshly baked batch of Mrs. Fudge’s delicious fudge brownies!
As the children cheer, Mrs. Fudge puts the tray down on the table. Both children eagerly begin taking brownies off the tray and eating them as quickly as they can.
Fudge boy: These are great, Mom!
Fudge girl: Yeah, Mom! Your fudge brownies are the best!
The children continue eating for a moment. Suddenly the boy stops.
Fudge boy: Hey, Mom? Have you seen Dad?
Mrs. Fudge looks down at the tray in an embarrassed fashion. Suddenly there is silence. The children look down at the brownies with looks of horror on their faces. The boy begins freaking out, while the girl begins to cry. Just at that moment, however, the front door opens and a figure enters.
Judge Fudge: Hey, everyone! How’s my family today?
The children suddenly look in Judge Fudge’s direction and become ecstatic. They rush over to him.
Fudge girl: Oh, Daddy, Daddy, you’re okay!
Fudge boy: I’m so glad you’re home, Dad!
Fudge girl: I was scared to death you’d been chopped up into delicious fudge brownies and we were eating you for dinner!
Judge Fudge: Hey, kids. I don’t have time to be your dinner! I’m far too busy being... DELICIOUS!
As the kids hug him happily, the screen suddenly goes black. The scene changes to the housemates in the living room. Spanky is holding the remote control.
Spanky: Good God, that show sucks!
Toot: It’s like they took one of my bowel movements, filmed it, and put it on TV!
Foxxy: Is there any lamer premise possible? The Foxxy thinks there ain’t!
Clara: I can’t believe they based an entire series around some stupid catchphrase! "I’m far too busy being delicious!" I mean, that’s just dumb!
Toot: What I want to know is if he’s that delicious, how come you don’t ever see anyone eating him?
Xandir: Don’t be silly, Toot. If you ate him, there wouldn’t be a show anymore!
Spanky: You’re right, Xandir! In fact- I know what we’ll do! Let’s all go down to the TV studio, kidnap the Fudge family, and EAT them! Then we’ll put our own show on the air and base it on something a lot more solid than some stupid catchphrase! And best of all, nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong!
Foxxy: Now, Spanky. Be that as it may...
Wooldoor: Let’s go! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! (He begins running around in circles.)
Hero: I sense trouble brewing! Save yourselves! (He flies through the wall.)
Clara: Oh, my!
Toot: Goddammit!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on Foxxy and Hero in Hero’s bedroom. Hero is getting dressed.
Foxxy: That was nice. Not as nice as last time, but I guess you were just tired.
Hero: Yeah, maybe next time I’ll remember to take the Viagra BEFORE the lovemaking.
Foxxy: Yeah, maybe so. I just hope this isn’t the start of a trend.
Hero: A trend? Foxxy, are you worried that we’ve already lost the spark between us?
Foxxy: No, Captain Hero, not at all! I just think we’s in a rut, that’s all.
Hero: A rut, you say?
Foxxy: We just need to think of something we can do to spice it up in some way.
Hero: What if we use the power tools?
Foxxy: No, I’m tired of those.
Hero: The IV tubes?
Foxxy: No, I'm tired of those, too.
Hero: A threesome with your deformed cousin Fanny the Midget?
Foxxy: You'd think that would do the trick, but believe it or not, it don't.
Hero: Well, then, how about we finally bring in that 12-year-old girl and a donkey like we talked about?
Foxxy: Oh, don’t be silly, Captain Hero! You want to have sex with some 12-year-old girl? Who do you think you is, my grandpa?
Hero: Oh, no, no, Foxxy... the 12-year-old girl is for YOU.
Foxxy: (realizing) Oh... I see. Yeah, that makes more sense now.
Hero: Or we could get back to basics. You know, like wearing each other’s underwear!
Foxxy: That won’t work, Captain Hero, I don’t wear underwear.
Hero: That’s no problem. You can wear my underwear and I’ll go commando! Then we’ll switch!
Foxxy: That sounds like a good idea. So where do you keep your underwear?
Hero: In that top drawer there.
Foxxy walks over to the drawer and begins to open it up. However, just as she is about to do so, Captain Hero suddenly darts out of nowhere to stop her.
Hero: On second thought, don’t bother looking in my underwear drawer, Foxxy! I’ll get it for you! (He quickly opens the drawer, gets out a pair and hands it to Foxxy.) There you go! (Foxxy eyes him suspiciously.)
Foxxy: Captain Hero… if I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was something in that drawer you don’t want me to see. Now what is it?
Hero: Don’t be silly, Foxxy, there’s nothing in that drawer except a bunch of underwear! And some DNA samples from a bunch of dead prostitutes. But nothing else!
Foxxy: Nothing at all?
Hero: Nothing at all! And there are ESPECIALLY no pictures in there from my private collection!
Foxxy: Pictures you say? (Hero gives an extremely fake looking smile.) I’m looking in that drawer. (She turns around and opens the drawer.)
Hero: Foxxy, didn’t you hear me? I said there WEREN’T any photos in that drawer! Weren’t means not! My God, woman, are you deaf or something? (She turns.)
Foxxy: Captain Hero, I am a detective. And I am pretty sure I know how to recognize a guilty party when I see one!
Hero: It wasn’t me, I swear! (He suddenly points across the room.) Wooldoor did it! (Wooldoor sits on his bed looking completely surprised. He gets up.)
Wooldoor: (angry) Hey, that’s no fair, man! I thought it was YOUR turn to take the rap this time! Remember? You owe me for what happened in the alley behind the strip club last Tuesday!
Hero: Just calm down, Wooldoor! I promised you that I’d make sure I talked to the DA about extenuating circumstances!
Wooldoor: (very angry) THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID THE LAST TIME, BITCH!
Hero: Wooldoor, I’ll have you know that a spanking would be in order right now if only my ass didn’t still hurt from last time!
Wooldoor: Oh, yeah? Well, I’ll- wait, what were we talking about?
Hero: I don’t remember.
Wooldoor: Me either. So did you watch the rest of that movie you rented?
Hero: Yeah, I did. And you know, the girl was hot, but if you ask me she can’t act worth- (suddenly sees that Foxxy is looking through the drawer) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Hero grabs Wooldoor and throws him out the window. We see a violent explosion take place outside the window.
Wooldoor (outside the window): Ow.
Hero rushes over to Foxxy.
Hero: Foxxy, I just want you to know those pictures aren’t mine! They’re Spanky’s!
Spanky: (in the hallway passing by) Yeah, right. Like I’d ever keep porn in YOUR room! I know what you do to things! (He walks on by.)
Foxxy: (finding what she is looking for in the drawer) Aha, jackpot! She pulls out a stack of papers. I think I found your so-called "pictures", Captain Hero!
Hero: Foxxy, I just want you to know those pictures aren’t mine! They’re Clara’s!
Foxxy: (looks at him) Are you even trying anymore?
Hero: Not really, no.
Foxxy: Well, now, let’s just see what these pictures is you don’t want me to see! (She begins flipping through them. A look of mild surprise crosses her face.) Well, I’ll be a dead pig in the sunshine!
The scene cuts to Hero in the confessional with an extremely confused look on his face. He begins to speak, but then stops, looking even more confused. He sits for a moment trying to figure out what Foxxy said, but is unsuccessful. The scene changes back to his bedroom.
Foxxy: Why, Captain Hero... these pictures is absolutely adorable!
We see her flip through the pictures. They are typical children’s drawings. The first is a picture of a child with two larger figures labelled Mommy and Daddy. Next there are pictures of animals like dogs and horses. Then we see a picture labeled "What I want to be when I grow up", where we see the child dressed first as a firefighter, then as an astronaut, then finally as a Secret Service agent holding a gun to someone he has pinned to the ground with a speech bubble saying, "Jodie Foster, my ass!". Then we see more pictures of typical school kids, then a picture of an adult figure labeled Daddy. The figure is of a man wearing a business suit and holding a briefcase, and contains a caption that says, "Daddy is an accountant for a big corporation." Finally, we see the last picture, one labeled Mommy. The caption reads, "Mommy is a whore", and pictures her dressed in a dominatrix outfit while accepting money from an extremely tall naked man with a very prominently displayed erect penis.
Foxxy: Did your son draw these? (Hero shakes his head.) Your nephew? (He shakes his head again.) Wooldoor?
Hero: No, Foxxy. The reason I didn’t want you to see those pictures is because... *I* drew them!
Foxxy: Well, Captain Hero, I think that’s really cute. That you would hang on to these childhood drawings you made all those years ago. How old were you when you drew these?
Hero: 31.
Foxxy: Ohhhhhh. Wait, I thought you was only 28.
Hero: I don’t know. I’m not really sure, to be honest. Zebulonian birth records aren’t very reliable.
Foxxy: So why didn’t you want me to see these, Captain Hero?
Hero: Because I was worried that if people saw my drawings, they’d say I was no good and it would crush my spirit! You know, like I did to the Mad Libber’s spine!
Foxxy: Well, I think these pictures is real nice! In fact, I think I’m going to go put a couple of them on the refrigerator right now!
Xandir: (in confessional) It seemed like all the housemates were pursuing their dreams except me. Hero was drawing, Foxxy was playing her music, Clara was witnessing for Jesus, and Spanky was bitchslapping hoes in the parking lot behind McDonald’s. That’s why I decided the time had finally come to live out MY dream!
The scene cuts to the living room of the house. It is tricked out like a hair salon, with a banner on the wall that reads, "Xandir’s Place".
Xandir: My very own hair salon! Look, Wooldoor, isn’t it great?
Wooldoor: (apathetic) I guess.
Xandir: Hey, Wooldoor, I have an idea. You’ve been looking for a summer job, right?
Wooldoor: Yeah. My other summer job didn’t work out so well.
Cut to the street outside the Drawn Together house. We see a child’s lemonade stand. The sign on the stand reads "Lemonade- $.25". Several people are at the stand purchasing lemonade. The camera then pans down the street a few feet to Wooldoor. Behind his stand is an extremely large medical device. The sign on his stand reads, "Kidney Dialysis- $1". Wooldoor is somewhat desperate.
Wooldoor: Oh, come on! After drinking all that lemonade, you guys are going to need this! (He points to the machine behind him.) You know, to filter out the sugar so you don’t get sick! (Everyone ignores him.) Do the words "renal failure" mean NOTHING to you? (He sits back down in disgust. The scene changes back to the present.)
Xandir: Well, I have an idea! How would you like to be my assistant?
Wooldoor: You mean, like, schedule appointments, do people’s hair, and keep the shop clean while you do nothing but sit on your ass and make all the money?
Xandir: Yeah!
Wooldoor: Sounds like fun! Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I’ll do it!
Xandir: Great! Now the first thing we need to do is find our first client!
Wooldoor: You just leave that to me, kitten.
Clara (in confessional): And that was when I began to realize that maybe those prostitutes hadn’t committed suicide after all! Anyway, after I gathered up all the DNA evidence, I- (She is suddenly cut off by a knock at the door.) What the crap? (The knock persists.) Do you mind? I’m in here!
Wooldoor (muffled, from outside the confessional): Clara, I need to talk to you about something! It’s real urgent!
Clara (in confessional): Fine. (She gets up and exits the confessional.) What is it, Wooldoor? (Wooldoor grabs Clara by the hand and begins dragging her to the living room.)
Wooldoor: Clara, Xandir and I are playing a game and we need you to help us!
Clara: Why, of course, Wooldoor, I’d be glad to help you! What game are you playing?
They arrive at the living room. Clara sees the entire place set up like a hair salon. Xandir stands beside a salon chair with a big grin on his face. The smile immediately leaves Clara’s face.
Clara: Oh, fuck me.
Xandir: Oh, come on, Clara! You’ve got to be my first customer! I mean, you’ve got the best hair of anybody I know! Next to myself, of course.
Clara: Wow. Suddenly I’m nostalgic for that time I had my scalp ripped off!
Xandir: Oh, please, Clara? Please?
Clara: Nothing doing, Xandir! (Ling-Ling enters and stands watching.) Trusting you with my hair is like trusting George W. Bush with my algebra homework!
Cut to Bush in the Oval Office. He is sitting at a desk puzzling over a piece of paper.
George: (calling offscreen) Hey, Laura!
Laura: (offscreen) What is it, George?
George: This math is hard! When did they start putting letters with it, anyway? (He begins puzzling over the page again.) Let me see... add the two, carry the four... hmmm. I think I’m gonna have to take my shoes off for this one.
Cut back to the present.
Clara: And besides, Ling-Ling and I have a very important function to go to! We’re going to go throw blood on a bunch of supermodels!
Xandir: Why, are they going to be wearing fur or something?
Clara: Fur? No, I don’t think so. Why? (Xandir shrugs.) Anyway, we have to go now. Come on, Ling-Ling.
Xandir: Well, if you won’t let me use you, then... (He looks at Ling-Ling.) How about Ling-Ling? He’d be GREAT for this!
Clara: You can’t use my husband for your guinea pig either!
Ling-Ling: Actually, Carla... Ling-Ling not mind.
Clara: Are you serious, Ling-Ling? You would really be willing to let Xandir style your hair? (He nods.) Are you sure you trust him?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know Xandir take good care of Ling-Ling. And besides, Xandir is friend. Ling-Ling think it important to show friend that he have faith in him and build up confidence.
Xandir: Ohhhh... you really mean that, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: You bet! And Ling-Ling swear that he totally not saying that just so he not have to go to stupid protest with Carla.
Clara looks at Ling-Ling for a moment, then looks at Xandir. Finally, she sighs.
Clara: Well… all right. Fine, Xandir, you can style Ling-Ling’s hair. But I swear to God, if you mess this up, I’m going to rip all your fingernails out by the roots and shove them up your ass!
Xandir: (considering what Clara said) Hmm... (He ponders. A smile crosses his face.) Up my ass, you say?
Clara: (disgusted) Ewww! Just forget I said anything! I’ll see you guys. (She leaves. Xandir turns to Ling-Ling.)
Xandir: All right, big guy, it’s time! (He picks up Ling-Ling and puts him in the chair. However, Ling-Ling is way too short to come up far enough in the seat.) That’s not quite going to work, is it? Hey, Wooldoor-
Wooldoor: I’m on it! (He rushes into the kitchen and returns holding a large stack of phone books.)
Xandir: Perfect! (He puts the phone books in the chair and sets Ling-Ling down on top of the phone books. He then begins to work on styling Ling-Ling’s fur.)
Cut to the Drawn Together kitchen. The scene opens on a close-up of the refrigerator. We see the drawings of Mommy and Daddy as well as a couple of others. In the lower right hand corner, we can see the drawing of Hero making out with the waiter while Clara gives the thumbs-up sign. The camera pans out to reveal Spanky and Hero standing looking at the pictures.
Spanky: Not bad. Not bad at all, if I do say so myself!
Hero: You really like them, Spanky?
Spanky: Captain Hero, if these drawings were pornography, I would SO be whacking off to them right now!
Hero: (giddy) Wow, Spanky, thanks!
Spanky: Tell me this. Have you ever considered working in another medium?
Hero: What do you mean?
Spanky: These drawings here... they’re quite nice. But I think your talents deserve a bigger stage! You need to pursue an art form that allows you to show your work to millions of people and make millions of dollars!
Hero: You want me to be a porn star?
Spanky: Actually, I was going to suggest you take up painting, but now that you mention it-
Hero: (excited like a child) Oh, boy, painting! I’d love to paint, Spanky! I’m going to go get started on that right away! (He runs off.)
Spanky: Crap. Now I wish I hadn’t said anything. Now I’m going to have to go with my second choice.
We see Spanky pull out a paper that says, "Poca-hunt-ass. Director: Spanky Ham. Cast list-" He crosses Captain Hero’s name off the top of the list, and circles the name right underneath it, Marisa Tomei.
Spanky: (looks up) He would have been perfect. (sighs)
(to be continued...)