DTBL episode 22: Fear and Loathing in Morningwood

[Raymond-Raymond]

FEAR AND LOATHING IN MORNINGWOOD

The show opens on a long shot of the house. Cut to the upstairs hallway. It is empty at first, but after a moment, Clara steps out in a bathrobe holding a towel. She walks over to the bathroom door, opens it, and goes inside. Inside the bathroom, the shot changes to her feet as we see the robe come off. Clara steps in the shower and turns the water on. As soon as she does this, the shot changes to her upper backside. She begins to wash herself. The shot changes to a closeup of her face. She continues washing herself, but after a moment, a look of slight concern crosses her face. She thinks she hears something.

Clara: What's that sound? (The sound continues, but becomes slightly more audible.) Is that... singing?

She turns around, then gasps in horror. There stands Xandir showering, with his back to Clara.

Xandir: (singing) I'm gonna wash that stuff right out of my hair, cause Fernando's the only one supposed to be there...

Clara: Oh my God! Xandir! (Xandir turns around.)

Xandir: (cheerfully) Oh, hello, Clara! How are you today?

Clara: (quickly covering up) Xandir, what the hell are you doing here?

Xandir: Duh, I'm showering! What's it look like?

Clara: Xandir, you know it's my turn for the shower now! You were supposed to have already gone!

Xandir: I know, Clara. But I overslept. You see, I was having this really hot dream about Justin Timberlake in a thong-

Clara: Eww! Okay, I get the point, I don't need the details!

Xandir: Sorry. You know, Clara, you really do have a nice rack. I'm sure if you felt like showing it off, you would get a very warm reception.

Clara: Xandir, the reason I don't show off my body is not because I'm ashamed of it. It's because it would make me a whore.

Xandir: That's nonsense, Clara! I show my body all the time! (Clara gives a look, but says nothing.) Never mind.

Clara: Anyway, Xandir, the point is this. If you missed your regular shower time, that's fine. But you should have told me first before you just came in here and took mine!

Xandir: I figured we could shower together, what's the big deal?

Clara: What's the big deal? I happen to consider showering a very private thing! When I'm in here, there shouldn't be anyone else here. Especially not a man!

Xandir: I could see why you wouldn't want the other guys in here. But you don't have anything to worry about with me, Clara. I'm gay!

Clara: So being gay means you don't have to respect other people's privacy? Yet another problem with that whole trend!

Xandir: Being gay is not a trend, Clara, it's the way people are.

Clara: The way sinners are, maybe!

Xandir: (annoyed, but diplomatic) All right, Clara, I'll go. You can have the shower to yourself.

Clara: Thank you, Xandir.

Xandir steps out of the shower and puts on a robe, then grabs a towel.

Xandir: I'm sorry I invaded your privacy, Clara. I thought maybe by now you'd have let go of some of those silly hang-ups of yours. (He makes his way to the door.)

Clara: (as Xandir walks off) My homophobia is not a hang-up, Xandir, it's being faithful to God's will.

Xandir continues to walk. He does not turn around to look at Clara, but makes the sarcastic "yapping" motion with his hand at her. Clara reacts with annoyance, then resumes her shower. Xandir walks out the door. In the hallway, he runs into Captain Hero.

Xandir: Hey, Hero.

Hero: Hey, Xandir. Say, Xandir- that is one sweet robe!

Xandir: Thanks! It's real comfortable, too! I think instead of changing, I'm just going to go downstairs and hang out in this robe for a while!

Hero: You're just going to lay around on the couch today and be a great big bitch, eh?

Xandir: Yeah, only a different kind than usual! (He giggles.)

Xandir goes downstairs while Hero goes into his room. The camera lingers on the empty hallway for a moment before cutting back to the bathroom. We see Clara finishing up her shower. She opens the shower curtain and reaches for her robe, but finds it isn't there.

Clara: What the hell? Where's my robe? (She looks around.) And my towel is gone, too! (She begins fuming.) I am going to kill Xandir! (She sighs in frustration.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

Clara (in confessional): I knew Xandir had taken my robe just to embarrass me, but I managed to thwart his evil plan and make it back to my room unobserved by having Ling-Ling create a clever diversion for me.

Cut to the hallway. Clara opens the bathroom door and peeks outside. She ascertains that the coast is clear, then scurries across the hall into her own room. The camera pans down the hall to reveal at the end of the hallway Ling-Ling standing surrounded by Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor. We then see that Ling-Ling is holding a hat face up in one hand and a sign in the other hand that says, "Donations, $.50"

Wooldoor: But, Ling-Ling, you haven't told us what we're donating money FOR!

Ling-Ling: What Sockbat's problem? He not able to give to charity purely out of goodness of his heart? He always have to know where money going?

Spanky: Is it tax deductible?

Ling-Ling: Yes.

Wooldoor: This isn't going to get me in trouble with the government, is it? I don't want to become part of some illegal pyramid scam again. (Ling-Ling shakes his head no.)

Spanky: Ling-Ling, I'll give you the money, but I'm going to need an itemized receipt for it. I'd also kinda prefer if you could get it notarized just to be safe.

Hero: Ling-Ling, I'm low on funds. Can you spot me five dollars?

Ling-Ling: Only cost fifty cents, Captain Moron!

Hero: Yes, but I like to give very generously!

Wooldoor: None of this money is going to support terrorism, is it, Ling-Ling?

Spanky: Hey, Ling-Ling, I just realized I'm out of cash. Do you take Visa? Or perhaps a traveler's check?

As the guys continue haggling, the scene shifts to downstairs. Foxxy, Toot, and Xandir sit watching TV. Xandir is still wearing Clara's robe.

Toot: (to Xandir) So let's see, so far you've worn her dress, her shoes, and now her robe. Right?

Xandir: I'm gonna try to steal her panties next!

Foxxy: If Clara ever leaves this show, Xandir, they could just replace her with YOU.

Xandir: (giggles) They could, couldn't they? Oh, wait, let me try something. (He gets up and walks out in front of the couch, then musters an angry look on his face and points at them.) You people are all whores! God is going to send you to hell for being whores! And Xandir, you're gay, which means you're a double whore!

Toot: Clara does talk about things besides whores, Xandir.

Xandir: Oh, right, of course. Here, let me try again. (Xandir begins again, not realizing Clara has now come down the stairs. As he continues, she stops and watches him.) You people are all sinners! God is going to send you to hell for being sinners! And Xandir, you're gay, which means you're a double sinner! (Foxxy and Toot look over Xandir's shoulder and see Clara standing there watching him, but say nothing.) Oh, wait, I got another one! (clears throat) Oh, Foxxy, I'm not a lesbian, but I sure did like it when you kissed me! Could we do it again? We can? Oh goody! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pray to God to protect my purity while I strip for my father and get turned on by lots of car crashes! (Foxxy and Toot look at Clara, their eyes seemingly asking her if she's going to step in anytime soon. Xandir begins singing, to the tune of the Popeye theme song.) Cause... I'm... Clara the virgin whore! So don't even try to score with me... my body's for Jesus, the second he sees us, he'll damn you forever more! Ta ta! (He stops. Clara begins clapping. Xandir turns and sees her.)

Clara: Oh, bravo, Xandir, bravo! I haven't heard such beautiful vocalizing since my cat got his paw stuck in the garbage disposal! Only thing, though. You put too many syllables in the second line, so you might want to rethink that line a bit. Let me see now, what else rhymes with whore? I could always just listen to one of Foxxy's records, I suppose. I'm sure she's had to rhyme that word LOTS of times!

Xandir: Come on, Clara, you know I'm just playing around.

Clara: Yeah, that's what you told your last three boyfriends!

Xandir: Hey, now that is not fair! I told Pablo and Manuel that, but Ernesto... (sighs) oh, Ernesto... why couldn't you see my love was for real?

Toot: So do you only date Hispanic guys now or something?

Xandir: I'm trying to learn Spanish!

Clara: Let's not talk about Xandir's love life, okay, you guys?

Xandir: Why not, Clara? You got a problem hearing about gay love?

Clara: (sighs) Maybe I do, Xandir. But let's not discuss that now.

Xandir: Fine. Hey, I see you got dressed! I guess you made it back to your room okay!

Clara: Yeah, Xandir, thanks for the sentiment. You know, I would take back my robe now, but I think it's the most clothes you've had on your body since we've been in this house!

Xandir: No, that would be the New Year's Eve party when I had sex with Fernando under the pile of coats.

Clara: Under MY coat too? (He nods.) Dammit, that's another thing I'm going to have to throw out! (She sighs and composes herself.) Anyway, I'll see you guys later.

Foxxy: Where are you going?

Clara: I'm meeting my father for lunch today. He says he has something important to discuss with me about the kingdom.

Foxxy: About Morningwood, you mean? (Foxxy, Toot, and Xandir all giggle. Clara is oblivious to the joke.)

Clara: Yes, something about Morningwood.

Toot: Clara, are you sure that Morningwood is something a father should be discussing with his daughter? (Again, all laugh except Clara.)

Clara: Why not? Morningwood is a part of both of us! (They are all now laughing very hard.) What's so funny?

Xandir: Clara... do you not get it? Your kingdom is called Morningwood! That's funny!

Clara: Why is it funny? Morningwood has been around for a very long time! (They are laughing even harder now.)

Xandir: Oh my God... she said "very long"!

Toot: You're right, Clara, there's nothing funny about Morningwood.

Clara: Thank you, Toot.

Toot: Morningwood is a beautiful place! In fact, they should build a monument to its very existence! Hey, does anyone know what time the erection will be? (They continue laughing uncontrollably.)

Foxxy: I'd like to go live there in a room with a beautiful view of the countryside! Then I could see Morningwood every day as soon as I first wake up!

Clara: Yes. Well... I'm going to leave you guys now. Maybe by the time I get back I'll have figured out what you find so humorous about my country. (She leaves. The others barely notice she has gone.)

Toot: Hey, do you suppose they have a guy in the military there named Richard? They could call him "Major Dick of the Morningwood Army"! (They all keep on laughing.)

Clara (in confessional): I was always nervous meeting my father. Even though he had accepted the decisions I had made in life, I still always felt he disapproved of what I was doing. That was why I wanted to show him I still cared about my kingdom... even though I didn't.

Cut to a restaurant where we see Clara's father sitting at a table. It is the same restaurant that was featured in "Spelling Applebee's" and "The Religious Wrong". Clara enters and walks up to him.

King: Clara!

Clara: Hello, Father. (She sits down.) How are you today?

King: Excellent, Clara. How's the servant girl?

Clara: Foxxy's doing very well, Father. But how come you asked how she was before you asked about me?

King: (ignoring her question) I heard she was pregnant again. Has she given birth yet?

Clara: Which time?

King: Never mind, it's not important. So how about that other sexy girl you live with?

Clara: Toot?

King: No, the one in the lipstick and the pink thong.

Clara: (sighs) Xandir. Oh, God, don't even get me started on him.

King: Him?

Clara: Let's not go there. So anyway, Father... I see you chose the restaurant I was telling you about.

King: This is a very nice place, Clara. I'm glad you recommended it.

Clara: Actually, Father, I told you I hated this place.

King: Oh. I suppose I misheard your message. I received it while I was watching the ballet.

Clara: That's okay, Father.

King: So where's your... "husband"... Clara?

Clara: Ling-Ling is at home, Father. I told him he didn't have to come with me today because I know how intimidated he is by you.

King: Intimidated by me? Why?

Clara: He thinks you still don't approve of our marriage. And you could probably eat him in two bites. Maybe one if you're hungry enough.

King: But that doesn't mean he has to fear me! You've chosen your... "husband"... and since you're my little girl, I have to respect that.

Clara: Yes, and the strange manner in which you emphasize the word "husband" proves how much you respect it.

King: I'm sorry, Clara. It's still taking some time for me to get used to this new, more mature version of you. It's almost like you're a different person since you've been in that house.

Clara: I *am* a different person, Father. But that's for the better. My housemates have shown me that there are more points of view in the world besides the ones I've been taught.

King: I suppose. (He begins looking down.) Clara- you're not wearing your pumps anymore, I see.

Clara: No, I quit wearing them a while back. Why?

King: Nothing. I just don't know of that many princesses who walk around in... what are those things called again? Flip-flops.

Clara: Father, maybe you need to quit thinking of me as a princess and try thinking of me as just a regular young woman.

King: But, Clara, you're not just a regular young woman.

Clara: I know, Father. I know.

King: I know you want to live your own life, Clara, and I'm trying to let you do that. But at the same time, you can't forget about your kingdom and your duties.

Clara: I haven't forgotten, Father. I just don't see why I need to dress or act a certain way in order to fulfill those duties.

King: Perhaps you don't, Clara. Perhaps you don't.

Clara: Anyway, what was it you wanted to see me about today?

King: Clara, our parliament right now is voting on a bill which I would very much like to see pass. I would really like for you to support this bill and help me get it passed.

Clara: I'd be glad to help, Father. What's the bill?

King: The bill... would outlaw a terrible sin... something that is causing morality as we know it to erode and decay.

Clara: Prop comedy?

King: No... homosexuality!

Clara: (taken aback) You... want to ban gay people?

King: Don't tell me you disagree with this, Clara! (sighs) You haven't become "gay friendly" all of a sudden, have you? You always used to be such a good strong Christian girl!

Clara: Don't be silly, Father! I *am* still a good strong Christian girl! And I have not become "gay friendly"!

King: You haven't?

Clara: No! The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin! And if that's what the Bible says, that's good enough for me!

King: So you agree with this bill, then?

Clara: You're darn right I agree with it! Why, I'd suggest we pass a law like this in the United States, except it would probably mean our entire entertainment industry would collapse!

King: So you'll help me, then, Clara?

Clara: Absolutely! You name it and I'll do it!

King: Perfect. I'm having a rally this Saturday in support of the bill. I want you to give a speech urging everyone to accept it.

Clara: (looks slightly worried) Saturday? Um... do I have to be there in person? Can't I have a spokesperson read a statement or something?

King: Clara, despite your stint on this so-called television series, or whatever it is, you still have a reputation in the kingdom for being the most devout Christian anyone has ever come in contact with. I'm sure that if YOU speak out on this matter, given that everyone knows how much your religion means to you, you'll be sure to convince them that gays are evil and should be banned!

Clara: Really?

King: Why, Clara, some of the clergy even think you're practically Jesus himself! Only without the beard. Or the dying.

Clara: Actually, you're wrong about that last part. But never mind, that's not important now.

King: Clara, this is your chance to really do something good for Jesus. And your kingdom. You do still care about your kingdom, right?

Clara: Of course I do!

King: Then can I expect you at the rally on Saturday?

Clara: On Saturday? (becoming stronger) You bet! I'll be there, Father! We'll teach those gays a thing or two about flouting God's will!

King: Now there's my girl! (He gets up, then kisses her.) See you on Saturday!

Clara: Don't worry, Father, I wouldn't miss it for the world!

The King smiles, then leaves. Clara looks up at the sky with a look of determination in her eye. However, after a moment, her resolve quickly fades. She looks back down, her facial expression now one of worry mixed with confusion. She puts her hand to her mouth and sits there for a moment, just staring.

Clara (in confessional): I was happy to hear about this law. I felt like we would finally be able to make people live as God intended. But I was nervous about having to speak out in public about it. I knew my housemates wouldn't be happy about the whole situation. That was why I decided not to tell them. Thankfully, no one in a country as big as ours cares about what happens in a stupid little chunk of land in the mountains that somehow gained sovereignty.

Cut to a miltary-style building in another part of the world. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads "Poland". The scene cuts to two officers inside the building. One of them is looking at the window.

Officer: Ha, would you look at that, general?

General: What is it, lieutenant?

Officer: Those boobs in the mountains over there are forming their own society now. They're even calling themselves their own country!

General: Those country bumpkins! What will they think of next?

Officer: Should we invade them and make them stop this foolishness?

General: No, just let them have their little joke. It's not like they'll change the course of history or anything.

Officer: Ah, of course, sir.

General: So what are they calling themselves, anyway?

Officer: Germany!

The general nods. The scene shifts back to the Drawn Together house. Everyone except Clara and Wooldoor is watching TV.

Announcer: (on TV) And we now return you to "The Teletubbies Meet the Grateful Dead".

The housemates, somewhat dazed, continue watching and sigh blissfully.

Toot: Ooh! Just look at all the pretty colors!

Hero: You know what would go great with this program? Some potato chips!

The camera pulls out to reveal all of them giggling. Shaggy and Scooby from Scooby-Doo can be seen in the background watching it with them.

Spanky: Hey, you guys wanna watch The Wizard of Oz again and put on that album with it?

Toot: You bet, Spanky! I'll go get it! (As Foxxy puts The Wizard of Oz on TV, Toot walks over to the stereo and pulls out an album and puts it on.) Ready when you are, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Okay, Toot- start the record... now!

We see the beginning of The Wizard of Oz. Immediately we are greeted with the harsh screeching sounds of electronic feedback. The camera cuts to Toot, where we see she is holding a copy of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. She walks over and sits back down with the others. They watch the program, their eyes still glazed over like they are stoned on pot. Finally, after a moment, Wooldoor walks in holding a package.

Wooldoor: Hey, guys, guess what just came in the mail!

Spanky: Probably Captain Hero again.

Hero: I'm sorry, is it MY fault I couldn't wait for my new Playboy to be delivered to me?

Wooldoor: No, guys, I mean this! (He opens the package and pulls out a bottle.) Look! My very own supply of itching powder!

Toot: What on earth would you need itching powder for, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Cause sometimes you just feel like itching, I guess. Anyway, I'm going to try it out right now. Who wants to help?

Toot: Not me!

Wooldoor: Toot wants to help! Wheeeeeeee!

Toot: Wooldoor, weren't you listening? I said NOT me.

Wooldoor: I chose to ignore that first word. (He reaches the bottle out to Toot.) Here, just let me put some on you, it'll be fun!

Toot: (pushing him away) No, Wooldoor, I don't want to get all itchy! Just try it on Foxxy, I'll bet she has an itching fetish!

Foxxy: I do not have an itching fetish, Toot. But now that you mention it, that ain't such a bad idea.

Wooldoor: But I wanna try it on you, Toot! Come on, just one little sprinkle! (He reaches out and tries to sprinkle powder on Toot.)

Toot: I said NO!

She pushes him away again. There is a minor struggle. Wooldoor drops the bottle and itching powder spills all over the floor.

Wooldoor: Awwwww... look what you did, Toot! Now you're going to have to clean all that up!

Toot: Me? It's your itching powder, YOU should clean it up!

Xandir: Guys, guys, stop fighting! There's no reason any of us should have to clean it up! We can just leave it for Clara!

Foxxy: Get real, Xandir! You really think Clara's gonna clean up our mess for us?

Xandir: I didn't mean she'd clean it up for us, Foxxy. I meant, you know how she walks around without shoes sometimes. I figured she could-

Foxxy: Xandir, I am not gonna let you leave that stuff for Clara to walk on! At least not till the Foxxy's tried walking on it first!

Toot: (sighs in exasperation) Never mind, you guys. I'll clean it up!

Wooldoor: (to Spanky) I knew I could make her do it!

As Ling-Ling, Spanky, and Hero continue watching the program, Toot walks over to the closet and gets out the vacuum cleaner. She plugs it in and starts to turn it on, but before she is able to do so, she notices something is in her way.

Toot: Goddammit, Foxxy! (We see that Foxxy, now barefoot, is shuffling her feet on the spot on the carpet where the itching powder was spilled.) What the hell are you doing?

Foxxy: Sorry, Toot. Just trying to catch a quick buzz!

Toot: Get away from that so I can clean it!

Foxxy scurries back to her seat. Toot puts the vacuum cleaner next to the mess and turns it on. The camera cuts to Ling-Ling watching TV. He is nonchalant at first, but as soon as he hears the vacuum come on, he panics.

Ling-Ling: Aagh, what that terrible sound? (He looks in Toot's direction and sees her using the vacuum. He becomes terrified and screams.) Aagh!! (He quickly bolts into the closet.)

Toot: (shutting the vacuum off) There, the mess is cleaned up now. But next time, you guys have to do it yourself!

Hero: That's okay. Sometimes it's more fun that way!

The group returns to watching TV. Clara enters.

Clara: Hey, guys!

Spanky: Hey, Clara.

Xandir: Aw, man! It figures she'd walk in the second we get it cleaned up!

Toot: Xandir, do you hate Clara now or something?

Xandir: You don't know me at all, do you? (begins crying)

Foxxy: Hey, Clara. How was lunch with your father?

Clara: It was nice, I guess.

Toot: Did you guys talk about Morningwood? (Everyone laughs except Clara and Hero.)

Clara: Yes, we did talk about Morningwood, Toot. My father even told me about some exciting things he's planning to do with Morningwood. (Again, everyone laughs except Clara and Hero.)

Hero: Wow, Clara. I can't believe you talk about that kind of thing with your father. I wish I could be that open with my parents!

Xandir: Captain Hero, don't you get it? (Hero is confused.) Morningwood is the name of the country Clara is from!

Hero: Oh... I see. I thought you guys were just talking about... well... morning wood.

Toot: Nope, we were talking about Morningwood.

Hero: (to Clara) So you actually live in a place called Morningwood?

Clara: Yes.

Hero: I wanna live there! (The rest begin laughing again.) Morningwood sounds like fun!

Clara: Don't get your hopes up, Captain Hero, it's not as great as it sounds.

Hero: It isn't?

Clara: No. I mean, it's very pretty to look at, but it's just not very stable.

Toot: Clara, are you saying that your Morningwood needs to be stronger? (Clara nods.)

Spanky: Well, maybe you need to annex the village of Viagra!

Clara: Hmmm... annex Viagra... that's not a bad idea, Spanky! I'll call my father about it right now. I bet if we hurry, we can bring Viagra to Morningwood in just a few days.

Toot: (laughing) You do that, Clara!

Clara: Thanks, I will!

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

As the others continue laughing, Clara walks over toward the stairs. She starts to walk up the stairs, but is stopped by a sound coming from the closet.

Clara: Wait a minute... is that whimpering I hear? (She goes to the closet and opens it up. There she sees Ling-Ling shivering in terror.) Oh my God! Ling-Ling! (She picks him up.) What's wrong?

Ling-Ling: (tries to speak, but is still too traumatized) That... that... (Still shivering, he points to the vacuum cleaner. He then nestles himself against Clara's chest with a look of terror still on his face. Clara looks where Ling-Ling just pointed.)

Clara: (annoyed) Oh goddammit... did you guys run the vacuum cleaner again? You know how that terrifies Ling-Ling!

Xandir: I tried to tell them not to run the vacuum, Clara, but they wouldn't listen!

Toot: You only said that cause you wanted her to get itching powder on her feet!

Xandir: Do you like Clara more than me now or something?

Clara: Anyway, you guys, I think I'm going to take Ling-Ling back up to our room and see if I can get him to calm down.

Spanky: Knock yourself out.

Clara turns and begins to head back to the stairs. Just as she is doing so, however, a news report suddenly comes on the television.

Anchor: (on TV) We interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin!

Toot: A news bulletin? What the toot? How the hell can we be getting a news bulletin? We're watching a DVD, for crying out loud!

Wooldoor: Yeah! Talk about improbable!

Spanky: And you know what else is improbable...

Xandir: What?

Spanky: The fact that the guy reading the bulletin will stop long enough for us to get in all our dialogue before he continues! (The others nod in agreement, then resume watching again.)

Anchor: (on TV) Some breaking news now from the tiny country of Morningwood. (Clara, who had started walking back upstairs, suddenly stops and turns around. The anchor continues.) Wait a minute... Morningwood? There's a country called Morningwood? I bet gas prices aren't the only things going up there! (He clears his throat) But anyway. The King of Morningwood- which was my nickname in college, by the way- um... has just announced plans to pass a bill which will outlaw homosexuality. It is reported that his daughter Princess Clara, star of the TV reality show Drawn Together, will be speaking at a rally on Saturday in support of the bill. It is projected that if the bill is passed in Morningwood, the United States will quickly follow suit and pass a similar law themselves, given that they're complete culture whores who will jump on any trend that's out there. And now here's Carol with the weather.

Hero: The weather? Hey, this was just supposed to be a quick bulletin! You're supposed to switch back to the program now! (Foxxy turns the TV off.) You didn't have to do THAT!

Clara: Oh God... oh God, this can't be happening!

Foxxy: Clara? Did I hear that right? Did that guy just say your country was gonna outlaw gay people and you were gonna tell 'em it was okay?

Clara: I think he said something like that. Only he put it much better grammatically.

Toot: So is it true?

Clara: Oh, come on, you guys! You can't believe everything you see on the news!

Xandir: You sure can't! He said you were the star of Drawn Together! (He sticks his hand up.) I mean, excuse me, hello?

Spanky: I'm glad you're taking this so maturely, Xandir.

Xandir: Taking what? I'm sorry, what did the newscaster say? I kind of got distracted as soon as he started talking about Morningwood.

Toot: Clara's country is going to ban gay people.

Xandir: They're what? Clara, you can't do that!

Foxxy: And Clara is supposed to give a speech about it on Saturday.

Xandir: Is this true, Clara? Are you really going to try to get your country to ban the gays?

Clara: Okay, so maybe my country is planning to make homosexuality a crime. But that doesn't affect YOU, Xandir. After all, you live HERE!

Xandir: That doesn't matter, Clara. What matters is the example you'll be setting. You'll be saying it's okay for a nation to treat people differently just because they're gay.

Clara: Look, you guys, my father is the one who's trying to get this bill passed, not me!

Spanky: Yes, but you're going to support him in it!

Clara: (beginning to get frustrated) Look, you guys. You all know how I feel about homosexuality. This doesn't change anything! (They all look at her for a moment. Without saying anything, they turn away.) I'm sorry, you guys, really I am. But I have to do this. You know I don't mean anything personal by it. It's my duty as a Christian.

Xandir: (upset, but not feeling like arguing about it any longer) If you say so, Clara.

The group proceeds to ignore Clara. Sadly, Clara turns around and goes back upstairs with Ling-Ling in hand. As soon as she gets upstairs out of the view of the others, she turns to Ling-Ling.

Clara: You understand, don't you, Ling-Ling? I have a duty to God.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling understand. He not sure he agree with Carla's decision, but he stand by her no matter what happens.

Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling. (She kisses him, then sighs.) Boy, I bet you didn't have any idea what you were getting into when you decided to marry me, did you?

Ling-Ling: (He looks into her eyes.) Ling-Ling knew. (He smiles softly. Clara smiles back and pats him. She then takes him in her arms and goes back into her room.)

The scene changes to Clara's room some time later. Clara sits on her bed holding Ling-Ling.

Clara: So tell me, Ling-Ling. Why does the vacuum cleaner scare you so much? You don't seem bothered by my hair dryer! (She turns on her hair dryer. Ling-Ling suddenly becomes alarmed. He jumps off the bed and darts under it. Clara shuts the hair dryer off.) Thank God I didn't mention the leaf blower!

Just at that moment there is a knock at the door. Foxxy opens it.

Foxxy: Can I talk to you a minute, Clara?

Clara: Sure, Foxxy. (Foxxy walks over and sits down on the bed next to Clara.) Let me guess. You're here to show me the error of my ways and teach me that it's okay to be gay! Well, I'm sorry, Foxxy, but I just don't agree with you.

Foxxy: Actually, I was just going to tell you I'm going to get some hamburgers and I was wondering if you wanted me to pick you up anything. But now that you mention it...

Clara: Foxxy, before you start, just let me say something. I would never have brought up the idea for this law on my own. I disagree with gay people, but I would never be so bold about trying to stamp them out.

Foxxy: But, Clara, don't you see? If you help this law get passed, you'll still be doing that!

Clara: I know, Foxxy. And I'm sorry. But my father wants me to tell the people in my kingdom how I feel about it, and the truth is that I agree with it. I can't lie and say I don't support it. I do! And I feel bad about doing it, but what else am I supposed to do?

Foxxy: Why don't you just not give the speech? Tell your father you're not feeling up to it.

Clara: I can't do that, Foxxy. It wouldn't be right to let this situation pass without doing anything.

Foxxy: I suppose it wouldn't.

Clara: Come on, Foxxy, why are you all acting so surprised? You've known for a long time how I felt about gay people. After all, this act wouldn't be any worse than some of the other anti-gay things I've done! You know, like when I tried to stop Spanky and Xandir from getting gay married... or when I tried to get Wooldoor's children's show taken off the air.

Foxxy: Yes, Clara, but those were wacky cartoonish stories the writers did for a cheap laugh. This is serious. This is for real.

Clara: Nevertheless... I submit that it's completely within my character to act this way.

Foxxy: Fine, Clara, I'm not going to argue right or wrong about this with you. But think about what you'd be doing to the people around you. Now I know you and Xandir don't always get along, but he's still one of your best friends in the world. Doesn't it matter you'd be really hurting him? (Clara says nothing.) I know you believe that being gay is a sin. But look at Xandir. He's gay. Does that make him a bad person? Now he may be really catty a lot of the time, especially to you, but you and I both know Xandir's a good guy.

Clara: I know he is, Foxxy. And that's what makes this so difficult for me. I've always been taught that homosexuality is wrong and evil. But Xandir's not evil at all. I know he has good in his heart. I guess that's why it's so hard for me when I see him doing things I’ve always been taught are sinful. But when I try to be more open-minded about those kind of things, I feel like I’m forsaking God. Like I'm disregarding all the lessons he's taught me.

Foxxy: Well, Clara, maybe God is trying to teach you a new lesson. That sometimes love and friendship are more important than playing by the rules. (Clara acknowledges that she is listening to what Foxxy is saying, but says nothing.) You know, Clara... this whole thing isn't just about Xandir. There's other people in this house who have taken part in homosexual acts too.

Clara: I know. Captain Hero's slept with all kinds of men too. But that was just a phase! He's straight now. At least he is while he's with you.

Foxxy: I wasn't talking about Captain Hero, Clara.

Clara: You mean Wooldoor's gay too?

Foxxy: No, not Wooldoor! I'm talking about you, Clara!

Clara: Me? Don't be silly, Foxxy! I'M certainly not gay!

Foxxy: No... but you have done some gay things. Like for instance, a certain incident that took place in a hot tub right after we moved in...

Clara: Hey, now, that hot tub kiss wasn't my fault! You forced me!

Foxxy: At first. But you suuuuure seemed to enjoy it.

Clara: I didn't enjoy it because I'm gay! I was just caught up in the moment! It was my first kiss! I had yet to figure out who I was sexually! But even if I *did* briefly have feelings for another woman... it doesn't change who I am inside!

Foxxy: But don't you see, Clara? You've experienced firsthand that who you love and who you're attracted to doesn't change the kind of person you are. It's what's in your heart that counts!

Clara: I guess I never thought about it that way.

Foxxy: Clara, when you first came to this house, you were an ignorant closed-minded racist who didn't have any respect for people's feelings at all. But you've come a long, long way since then. Don't throw all that away, Clara. I know you have it in you to do the right thing.

Clara: I want to, Foxxy. I really do. I know this could really be a breakthrough for me. But I have to be true to myself.

Foxxy: I see. (She gets up.) Well, I guess there's no need for me talking to you any longer. If I haven't reached you by now, there's not really anything else I can do.

Clara: Thanks, Foxxy. But you're right, you've already said everything you need to say. The rest I'm just going to have to sort out for myself. (Foxxy nods and steps out. Clara sits on the bed for a moment lost in thought. After a moment, Ling-Ling sticks his head out from underneath the bed.) Oh, hello, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hear what chocolate animal woman tell Carla. There anything Ling-Ling can do to help?

Clara: Maybe there's one thing, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: What that?

Clara: Whenever I decide what to do... will you protect me from whoever gets pissed off about it? (Ling-Ling nods eagerly.) Thank you, Ling-Ling. (He hops back up on the bed. As Clara hugs him, the scene fades.)

The scene changes to the day of the rally. A big crowd surrounds a small wooden stage, in the middle of which stands a podium. Clara's father is speaking to the crowd.

King: And if we don't drive these people out of our midst, you know what will come next? They'll be breaking into our homes and spreading their gayness to our innocent young children! Do YOU want your young son to wake up one day with fashion sense and a love of dancing?

As the King continues, the scene shifts to the small area backstage. Clara sits nervously looking up.

Clara: (praying) Dear Heavenly Father... I've thought this over and over and over in my mind, and I still don't think I'm any closer to the truth. I'm still not sure what you want me to do out there today. But I'm going to go do what I feel is right. And if that turns out not to be what you want me to do, then... please forgive me. I'm trying. Really I am.

She takes a deep breath, then looks back down. She then turns her head in the direction of the crowd. She steps cautiously out to take a look. As her father continues to orate, she suddenly sees something which alarms her.

Clara: Oh my God! In the front row! (The camera changes to a view of the audience. We see all of Clara's housemates in attendance at the rally except Xandir.) I can't believe it! My housemates actually came to this thing!

Wooldoor: Wheeee! This is fun! I love going to the carnival! Can we visit the dunking booth later?

Foxxy: Maybe, Wooldoor. Just calm down and enjoy your treats.

Wooldoor: (takes a big bite out of the cotton candy he is holding) Mmmm, this is good cotton candy!

Hero: Hey, Wooldoor, what flavor cotton candy is that?

Wooldoor: Mutton! I think after I'm done, I'll go wash it down with a mead-flavored Slushee!

Spanky: So this is Morningwood! Funny, it's not as big as I was expecting it to be.

Foxxy: Hey, Captain Hero, as soon as this thing is through, can we go behind those trees over there and do it? I just want to be able to tell everybody back home I got laid in Morningwood!

Hero: You got it, Foxxy!

Cut back to Clara.

Clara: That's funny... I don't see Xandir anywhere. I suppose he decided he didn't want to be part of an anti-gay event like this. I can't say I blame him.

Xandir: (behind Clara) Clara?

Clara: (turning, startled) Xandir? What are you doing here?

Xandir: Clara, before you go out there on stage and say whatever it is you're going to say, I need to talk to you for a minute first.

Clara: Xandir, it's a little too late to try to get me to change my attitude about things.

Xandir: I know, Clara. I'm not trying to get you to change your mind about who I am or what I do. I just want to tell you something before you go out there.

Clara: What is it, Xandir?

Xandir: Clara, I admit you annoy the hell out of me a lot of the time. And I won't lie, I enjoy doing the same to you. But deep down, you're one of the best friends I've ever had.

Clara: I appreciate you trying to get on my good side, Xandir, but really, it's too late for that.

Xandir: That's not what I'm trying to do at all, Clara. Clara, I just want to say that I really, REALLY disagree with how you act toward gay people. But I know you're only trying to do what you feel is right. So before you go out there... I just want to know that whatever you say to those people, I'll be okay with it. You don't have to worry about me sulking around the house being all pissy about it. Well, okay, I'm lying, you WILL have to worry about me being all pissy... but I promise I won't be any pissier than I usually am about stuff.

Clara: Oh, my God, Xandir. I can't believe this. When did you suddenly get this maturity?

Xandir: I found it laying around the house somewhere. No one was using it.

Clara: Well, thank you, Xandir. I appreciate it.

Xandir: Anyway, it looks like your father is about to wrap up, so I guess you're on next. I'm going to go back and join the others. I'll see you at home tonight.

Clara: Sure thing, Xandir. (He turns and walks out. As he walks away, Clara notices something about him.) Wait a minute... (she sticks her neck out to get a better look). Are those my panties he's wearing? (She starts to get angry, but suddenly begins laughing.) Oh my God... whatever am I going to do with him? I guess I shouldn't complain about it. It means he's at least wearing underwear now!

King: And that is why I urge you to support this law. Not just for you. Not just for your children. But for your children's children. Because if the gays take over... there won't be any children. Thank you. (The crowd applauds.) Anyway, it's now time for our final speaker of the day. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome... my daughter Clara!

The King steps aside. Clara walks up to the podium. She takes a deep breath, then does the sign of the cross. Finally, she adjusts the microphone and begins to speak.

Clara: Hello, everyone. I'm Princess Clara. As you all know, I have a long history of opposing homosexuality in any form.

Foxxy: Come on, Clara... do the right thing.

Clara: I don't think I need to explain to anyone here the reputation I have for holding certain attitudes. For most of my life, I was a terrible racist. But my housemates at the Drawn Together taught me that I was wrong, and that the color of a person's skin doesn't matter. I was also severely anti-Semitic. But my housemates taught me that was wrong too. And finally, there's my extreme opposition to homosexuality. My housemates tried to teach me that was wrong. But no matter what they say, that's one hump I just can't seem to get over. I believe that homosexuality IS wrong. (Clara's housemates all sigh, visibly disappointed.) I don't believe God created us to have relations with other people of the same gender. It's not part of his plan, and therefore, it's an abomination.

Foxxy: Oh, well. I guess there's some things you can't change.

Clara: But- I've also gotten to actually know some gay people. It turns out they're not such bad people after all. And even though the thought of what they do completely sickens me... I've decided that what they do is their problem to deal with, not mine. And that is why I have to urge all of you NOT to support this bill. Maybe being gay is wrong, maybe it's not. I'll be honest, I still don't know. But that's for God to decide. Not us. Therefore, I'm going to resolve to continue to live my own life according to the Biblical principles I've always held dear to me... but I'm not going to judge others who disagree with me. So to all you gays out there... I just hope you know what you're doing. Thank you.

The crowd is completely silent. Clara walks off the stage. As soon as she is alone, she looks up at the sky.

Clara: I hope all of what I said back there is okay with you. (sighs) Well... I guess now all we can do is wait and see.

Toot: (from behind) Clara? (She turns.)

Clara: Toot! (She sees all of her housemates standing there.) Guys! (Ling-Ling jumps up into her arms.) I'm kind of surprised you still want to see me again.

Xandir: Why are you surprised, Clara? You're still our friend!

Clara: I know you were all expecting me to get up there and start talking about how there's nothing wrong with being gay, and I was foolish to think there was, and all that. But I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it.

Foxxy: It's okay, Clara. We don't expect you to change how you feel about things overnight.

Clara: You don't?

Foxxy: No! I know I told you the other night that you've come a long way since you've been in this house. And you have! But I also know you've still got a lot of learning left to do.

Clara: So you're not mad at me?

Foxxy: Of course not. Okay, so maybe you still have a hangup about gay people. But at least you're willing to admit you MIGHT be wrong about them!

Toot: And at least now you've learned not to let it affect how you feel about them personally!

Clara: I guess that's true! (She turns to Xandir.) Xandir, look.

Xandir: It's okay, Clara. You don't have to say it.

Clara: No, Xandir, I want to say it. I still have a problem with what you do. Maybe I always will. But gay or not, you're one of the nicest, most loyal friends I have. And maybe that's more important than how you conduct yourself sexually.

Xandir: Thanks, Clara. That means a lot to me.

Hero: How about me, Clara? Is MY friendship more important than how I conduct MYSELF sexually?

Clara: How YOU conduct yourself sexually? Um... let's not open that can of worms right now, okay?

Hero: Good idea.

Clara: Well, anyway, you guys, I'm glad you all came out to the rally today to support me and show me how much you guys really care about me!

King: (offstage, angry) Clara!

Clara: Cause it will probably be the last moments we ever have together before my father kills me.

King: (now on the scene) Clara... I'd like a word with you, please.

Xandir: (walks up to the King, pointing his finger very angrily at him) Hey, you leave Clara alone, buddy! She just said what was in her heart, and I don't think you have a right to judge her for that!

King: (looks at Xandir questioningly) Don't I know you from somewhere? There's something about you that seems very familiar... turn around, let me see your ass.

Xandir: (blushing) Oh. Well, I suppose... (He starts to turn around, but Clara steps in.)

Clara: No, Xandir! Thanks for sticking up for me, but it's okay, I need to do this myself.

Ling-Ling: You want, Carla, I teach stupid king a lesson he never forget! Then I kick his ass for you!

Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling. But really, I have to face the music sooner or later, so I might as well do it now. You guys just go enjoy Morningwood some more. I'll join you shortly.

Hero: Enjoy Morningwood? Okay!

Foxxy: Tree?

Hero: Tree!

They take off. The others stand back and give Clara and her father some space.

Clara: Father-

King: Clara, do you mind telling me what you were doing on that stage back there?

Clara: Father, I know you're not happy. I let you down and I let my kingdom down. But I knew if I sided with you unconditionally, there was someone else I'd be letting down even more.

King: That fruit you live with in that house?

Clara: No, Father. Not Xandir.

King: (smiling) The sexy servant girl?

Clara: (confused) No! And what is with you and Foxxy anyway?

King: Never mind.

Clara: The person I'm referring to, Father... is God.

King: But you said yourself that homosexuality is an act against God! Surely he wouldn't approve of you condoning homosexuality!

Clara: Maybe he wouldn't, Father. But I know for a fact he wouldn't approve of me turning my back on the only people who have ever truly cared for me.

King: The only people?

Clara: Well... there's my mom too. But she's dead now, so she doesn't count.

King: (sighs) Clara, Clara, Clara, whatever will I do with you? I always knew that independent streak of yours was going to be the ruin of me someday.

Clara: I know. (shrugs) But what can you do?

King: Nothing, I suppose. (He sighs again.) Well, I suppose I'm going to have to go see that that bill is withdrawn. Now that you've stated your opposition to it, it wouldn't make me a very popular king if I went against you on it, now would I? Actually, I don't think I'm a very popular king anyway. But I can't afford to take chances either way, I suppose.

Clara: Thank you, Father. And again, I'm sorry.

King: Don't worry about it, Clara. I'll get over it. Anyway, I'd better be getting back to the castle now. I'm training in a new servant girl.

Clara: Oh, really? That sounds exciting!

King: Here, I'll let you meet her. Oh, Denise, would you come here a moment?

Denise steps forward. She is dressed in medieval garb and wearing her usual facial expression.

Denise: Hey.

King: Well, come along, Denise, it's time to head back to the castle. I'll show you how to clean the great hall.

Denise: I already told you, your highness, I don't clean stuff. Or cook. Or serve you at the table. Well, I don't serve you food or drink, at least.

King: That's okay. I'm sure we can find something for you to do. (They begin walking off together.) Tell me, Denise... have you ever considered joining the ballet?

They exit the scene. Clara stands and looks around for a moment.

Clara: Okay, then.

She turns and looks back in the direction of her friends. As Foxxy and Hero continue to fool around behind a tree, she sees her housemates at a stand marked "Dunking Booth". There is a sign next to the booth that says, "Help punish your local criminals, five balls for a dollar. Tomorrow's guests- thieves and murderers. Today's guests- prop comics." As a pale, skinny man with huge curly red hair sits on the dunking stool cowering in fear, the housemates keep putting money on the table. The man running the booth keeps giving them lots of balls, and they proceed to keep dunking the victim over and over. Clara smiles, then heads over to join them.


THE END

[Princess Clara Owns]

Wow, i started reading some of your stuff Ray Ray, and its great! Unfortunately i cant read it all right now, so im printing it out to take with me . Ill try and get some better feedback on here ;P

[Raymond-Raymond]

admin said:

Wow, i started reading some of your stuff Ray Ray, and its great! Unfortunately i cant read it all right now, so im printing it out to take with me . Ill try and get some better feedback on here ;P

Cool, thanks a lot! I've been writing them for close to a year now, but it was only very recently that I got around to posting them here. I'd definitely love to hear what you think about them.

[Princess Clara Owns]

Haha! I love it! Its awesome! Great Ideas and good humour! I cant really think of anything negative to say about it! Great work!


Lol, i liked the little Poland tidbit!

[Raymond-Raymond]

Cool, thanks a lot! Just posted the next one; check it out when you get the chance!