DTBL episode 23: My Big Fat Fake Jewish Wedding

[Raymond-Raymond]

MY BIG FAT FAKE JEWISH WEDDING

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the living room, where we see Xandir happily watching TV.

Announcer: (on TV) And we now return you to The View.

Xandir: Yayyyyyy! The View!

Barbara: (on TV) Anyway, it's now time to wead a letter from one of our viewers. Joy, why don't you wead this one?

Joy: (on TV) Why, does it does have a lot of R's in it? (uproarious laughter)

Xandir: Oh no, she di'in't!

Elizabeth: (on TV) Here, you guys, I'll read it! (She grabs the letter from Joy and reads it.) Dear ladies of The View. I think that Rosie O'Donnell should... (becomes confused) eat Elizabeth Hasselbeck? (She puts the letter down.) All right, obviously, this is someone's idea of a joke.

As Elizabeth says this, Rosie suddenly leaps out of her seat and pounces on Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: (on TV) Eek!

Barbara: (on TV) Joy, weren't you telling a funny story the other day about this trip to your doctor?

Joy: (on TV) That's right. I was at my doctor the other day, and I was afraid, you know, that it was that time of the month. I was having my... um... what's that process called again? Women have it every month.

Barbara: (on TV) Your pewiod? (Joy snickers.)

Joy: (on TV) Yeah, that's right, my period. But actually, I was trying to think of the other word for it.

Barbara: (on TV) Your cycle?

Joy: (on TV) No.

Barbara: (on TV) Your intervals.

Joy: (on TV) No, I mean the medical term for that process. What's it called?

Barbara: (on TV) Oh! Menstwation!

Joy begins laughing uncontrollably. By this time, Rosie is chowing down on Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: (on TV) Help, someone! Rosie's eating me! Anyone?

Barbara: (on TV) What is it, Joy? Why is it so funny to you that I occasionally pronounce my R's like W's?

Joy: (on TV) Because Barbara, you're like this serious journalist and you're on national television talking like Elmer Fudd! I'm sorry, but that's funny!

Elizabeth: (on TV) Not the face, not the face! Eek!

Barbara: (on TV) Really, Joy, you need to grow up and start acting like an adult. That's the reason we fired Debbie, remember.

Joy: (on TV) I thought it was because you couldn't pronounce her last name.

Barbara: (on TV) No...

Joy: (on TV) All right, Barbara, I'll make you a deal. I'll let the whole thing drop on one condition.

Barbara: (on TV) What's that?

Joy: (on TV) You say, "I'll get you, you wascally wabbit!"

Barbara looks indignant. The camera pulls back to reveal that Rosie has now finished eating Elizabeth.

Rosie: (on TV) All done! Hey, you guys wanna go get some ice cream after the show's over?

Barbara: (on TV) Crap. Now we're gonna have to look at résumés again!

The scene cuts back to Xandir watching the show. We see that Toot, Clara, and Foxxy are now standing over him.

Foxxy: All right, Xandir, your time watching a bunch of cackling hens is over! We got the TV now!

Xandir: No way, Foxxy! I'm watching The View!

Toot: Screw that! We wanna watch Price Is Right!

Clara: Yeah!

Xandir: Oh, come on, you guys, it's The View! It's great!

Clara: Wait, I'm confused. View equals... great? I don't follow your logic.

Xandir: I don't see how you could not love The View. I mean, there isn't a more perfect representation of the feminine point of view!

Toot: Perfect representation of the feminine point of view? Oh, gee, Xandir, how can we put this?

Clara: Xandir, we're women.

Foxxy: We're their target audience.

Toot: And we HATE this show!

Clara: That ought to tell you something!

Xandir: You guys don't know what you're talking about! If you just watch a few minutes with me, you'll see!

Clara: Wasn't that what Spanky said when he was trying to get us to watch that lesbian porn movie?

Cut to a flashback sequence. We see Clara, Foxxy, and Toot on the couch together. Spanky is in front of them next to the TV.

Spanky: Now just watch this and see what you think!

As the movie plays, we see all three women watching with a look of confusion and disgust. After a few moments, the scene shifts to Spanky.

Spanky: Well? That give you guys any... ideas?

Toot: No way, Spanky!

Clara: You've got to be kidding me!

Spanky: Are you sure you guys don't suddenly feel like making out with each other? I mean, those two chicks DID make a pretty convincing case for it, you have to admit!

Clara: The idea is utterly ridiculous! Like just showing a movie is supposed to inspire three straight women to start making out with other women? It's absurd! Right, Foxxy? (She turns to Foxxy, but Foxxy is not there.) Foxxy?

They look over to the side. We see Foxxy on the floor passionately making out with an unidentified woman.

Clara: Oh, you've got to be kidding me!

Toot: Actually... isn't Foxxy bisexual, though?

Clara: You mean bisexuality is real? I thought it was some crap the liberals made up!

Toot and Clara both shrug. The scene changes back to the present.

Toot: Xandir P. Wifflebottom, you turn the TV to Price Is Right right this instant! I swear, if I miss a double showcase win, I'm going to eat you for dessert again!

Xandir: All right, you guys, fine. You can watch Price Is Right. But you have to do something for me later, okay?

Toot: Whatever you say, Xandir.

Xandir: Here you go, then.

He hands Toot the remote. As Xandir walks off, the women sit down. Toot changes the channel on the TV.

Clara: (confused) Wait a minute. Why isn't The Price Is Right on?

Toot: Oh my God, I forgot! They're not showing Price Is Right today! It's getting pre-empted for some kind of special.

Clara: Oh, I didn't realize that. (She gets up.) Well, I guess this means we can go tell Xandir he can watch the rest of his show after all.

Toot: (menacingly) Clara... get your ass back on the couch right now. We'll do no such thing.

Clara: But if The Price Is Right isn't on- (She looks at Toot. Toot grins evilly. Clara smiles back.) That's not why we did this at all, is it?

Toot: (to Foxxy) Foxxy, I think Clara's starting to catch on.

Clara: So... we just like to haze Xandir for no good reason?

Foxxy: Pretty much!

Clara: I can deal with that! (Clara sits back down. The women focus their attention on the TV.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene shifts back to the living room, where Hero, Spanky, and Ling-Ling are now watching TV.

Hero: (to Spanky) You're kidding me! They didn't go for it?

Spanky: No, man! Can you believe it?

Hero: I mean, it's two women kissing! How can you watch that and not want to do it yourself?

Spanky: If I was a woman and saw two women kissing, I would SO want to kiss a woman! Actually, that's the way I react as a man when I see two women kissing. Hmm. I guess I like kissing women, is what I'm trying to say.

Hero: How can you NOT like kissing women? That's what I say!

Spanky: You know whose fault it is? It's Xandir's fault! He's putting ideas in their heads! He's confusing them!

Hero: Making them think kissing men is better than kissing women! Who does he think he is?

Ling-Ling (in confessional): What going on here? Why Ling-Ling not have any dialogue? Writers forget they put him in scene? What that about?

Cut back to the guys on the couch. The doorbell rings.

Wooldoor: (suddenly dashing in) I'll get it! (He opens the door. There stands UFG crying.) Unusually Flexible Girl? What are you crying for?

Spanky: (getting up) Did someone say crying? That must be the crying chick I ordered in the mail! (to Hero) It's true. You can get ANYTHING out of a catalog these days! (He walks over to the door and sees it's UFG.) Awww! I didn't want a USED one! (shrugs) Oh, well, it's still a crying chick, after all! (He tries to put his arms around her, but she backs away.)

UFG: What is your problem, anyway?

Hero: (walking over to the door) Unusually Flexible Girl! What's wrong? You're crying even more than I was that time I rented Beaches!

Cut to Hero and Wooldoor on the couch watching Beaches. Hero is sobbing uncontrollably.

Hero: Oh, Wooldoor! Wooldoor, it's so sad!

Wooldoor: (calm) I know, Captain Hero.

Hero: I mean, this movie! I spent $4.50 to rent it! And it SUCKS! I could have rented Die Hard again, but no, I had to pick THIS movie! (He continues weeping.) That's $4.50 I'll never see again!

Cut back to the present.

UFG: (somewhat composed now, but still upset) Hey, Wooldoor. Hey, Captain Hero. Hey... um, whatever your name is. Pig person, I don't know.

Wooldoor: What's wrong?

UFG: I just talked to my mother! It didn't go well, as you might imagine. She gave me the usual song and dance about "When are you gonna get married and bring me grandchildren? You might as well be dead to me! I have no daughter!"

Hero: Didn't you tell her you were enjoying single life and you'd get married when you were ready?

UFG: I tried, but that just made her lay on the guilt even thicker! I tell you, she's not called Unusually Jewish Woman for nothing!

Wooldoor: That really sucks, Mandy. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

UFG: Thanks, Wooldoor.

Hero: I'm going to go talk to her about this! I'll teach her she can't yell at my ex-girlfriend/booty call like that!

UFG: Funny you should say that, Captain Hero.

Hero: Why is that, Sandy?

UFG: Mandy!

Hero: Sorry.

UFG: My mother is actually on her way here right now for a visit!

Hero: Wait a minute. Your mother is coming here?

UFG: Yes. Which brings me to my second point.

Hero: (to Wooldoor) I have a feeling we're not going to like this next part.

UFG: Yeah, um... the thing is... she kinda doesn't know we broke up.

Hero: You never told your mother we're not together anymore?

UFG: You know how my mom is! Every time I would start to bring up the subject, she'd hit me with the speech again. You know... how she's afraid I'm going to die alone just like my nana? She hates it enough I'm not married! I don't have the heart to tell her I'm not even in a relationship at the moment!

Wooldoor: What a minute! What about you and me?

UFG: Wooldoor, what we have is not a relationship!

Wooldoor: It's not?

UFG: No, it's just one big ongoing booty call.

Wooldoor: (slightly disappointed) Ohhhhhh.

UFG: (laughing) I'm just kidding, Wooldoor! Of course we have a relationship!

Wooldoor: That's a relief! But seriously, why don't you just tell your mom you're with me now?

UFG: Wooldoor, you know I love you to death, but as far as my mom is concerned, I'd just as well be single. She would never want me to marry YOU!

Wooldoor: Why not? Is it because I'm not Jewish?

UFG: No...

Wooldoor: (seductively) Is it because she wants me for herself?

Spanky: (to Ling-Ling) Am I the only one who finds it creepy when Wooldoor tries to act sexy?

UFG: Actually, Wooldoor, it's your socks. She just hates people who wear socks.

Wooldoor: (understanding) Ohhhhhh.

Hero: So what's the upshot of it all, Brandy?

UFG: Mandy!

Hero: Sorry!

UFG: I hate to have to ask you this, Captain Hero, but when my mother gets here... could you pretend that we're still together? Just for her?

Foxxy: (offscreen) I knew it! (walking into room) Nice try, you stretchy little whore, but you ain't getting your mitts on Captain Hero that easy! I wasn't born yesterday! I don't think. Maybe I'd better check my driver's license again. (She starts to reach into her pocket, but stops.) Oh, never mind, I forgot, they took it away from me again after that incident with the cop's zipper!

UFG: Foxxy, I promise you, I have no intention of coming between you and Captain Hero! I just need him to pretend for a little bit. Then once she's off my back, he's all yours again!

Foxxy: All mine AGAIN? Meaning, there'll be a place where he stops being mine?

Hero: Ladies, ladies, there's no need to fight! There's plenty of Hero to go around!

Foxxy: Maybe. But you underestimate how greedy the Foxxy is about her mens! The Foxxy wants it ALL!

UFG: Look, Foxxy, my mother sprung this visit on me out of the blue and I didn't have time to prepare for anything. If you guys can just help me out for a little while, I'll come up with a way out of it for all of us, okay? I promise! (They are all skeptical.)

Spanky: Ling-Ling? This whole scenario looks like it's just going to be one wacky sitcom cliché and hilarious misunderstanding on top of another. I propose we sit this one out and go to my room and play video games!

Ling-Ling: Honorable pig demon, you got deal! (They leave.)

Hero (in confessional): So we agreed that we would all pretend Unusually Flexible Girl and I were still together during the time her mother was here, and then put our brilliant plan into effect of "coming up with something else later". And best of all- (Hero motions to the side. Spanky enters.)

Spanky: Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong!

Hero: Thanks for coming in to say your catchphrase, Spanky, even though saying it always forebodes certain doom!

Spanky: Hey, what do I care? I'm not even IN this story!

Xandir (in confessional): Normally, I'd have waited before calling in that favor the girls owed me, but... oh, who am I kidding? I'm not capable of waiting for anything!

Cut to the living room. Xandir is standing there in a red dress and blonde wig.

Xandir: Oh, girls! Girls! Come on out! It's time!

Foxxy and Clara enter, both extremely displeased. They are all dressed as the women from The View.

Clara: This is really not funny, Xandir!

Foxxy: Not funny in the least!

Xandir: It's not supposed to be funny, guys! It's supposed to be fun!

Foxxy: It ain't that neither!

Xandir: Now come on, you guys, you promised me a favor, and I've decided we're all going to roleplay as The View!

Clara: I suppose. (She snorts derisively.) But why do YOU get to be Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

Xandir: Because, Clara! I'm the pretty one!

Clara: You mean the airhead!

Xandir: Oh, don't be jealous. We can't ALL be as pretty as I am!

Clara: Maybe. But I still don't see why *I* have to be Joy Behar!

Foxxy: Oh, cheer up, Clara, it could be worse!

Clara: Wow, Foxxy, do you really hate it that much having to be Barbara Walters?

Foxxy: That's not what I'm talking about, Clara. Look!

She points over to the closet where Xandir is standing in front of the closed door.

Xandir: Toot? Come on, Toot, you have to come out sometime!

Toot: Never!

Xandir: Come on, Toot! There's cake out here!

Toot: There's cake in here too! I keep it stashed around the house!

Xandir: Toot, please! You promised!

Toot: No way!

Foxxy: Toot, you might as well get out here. Xandir isn't going to get off our asses about this until we do this thing for him!

Toot: Fine! But the first one who laughs gets my foot up their ass!

Xandir: Hmmm... up my ass, you say?

Clara: Toot, how many times have I told you that threats involving Xandir's ass just don't work?

Foxxy: Oh, Toot, just get yo ass out here! We'll kick Xandir's ass for you later!

Toot: Fine! (She finally steps out of the closet. She is dressed as Rosie O'Donnell and looking extremely unamused. Xandir does not laugh.) Well? Aren't you going to laugh at me?

Xandir: You know, Toot, I thought having you dress up as Rosie O'Donnell would be really funny. But there's really nothing funny about Rosie O'Donnell at all!

Just at that moment, there is a knock at the door. Foxxy answers it. There stands a short woman with frizzled hair, a large nose, and a Star of David on a pendant around her neck.

Foxxy: Excuse me, can I help you?

UJW: Yes, I'm here to see- (She suddenly notices how Xandir and the women are dressed.) Oh, my God, it's the women from The View! I love that show! I didn't know you all lived together!

Xandir: Surprise, surprise!

UJW: (to Xandir) Wait a minute... I thought the fat one ate you!

Toot: No, but that's not a bad idea, come to think of it!

UJW: This is incredible! So you all live here with my daughter's boyfriend?

Clara: Daughter's boyfriend? What are you- (Foxxy cuts her off.)

Foxxy: I'll explain later, Clara.

UJW: So is my daughter here?

Toot: How charming. She apparently thinks one of us is her daughter. I think the old lady's lost it! Guess it's time to take her back to the home!

Toot grabs UJW's hand and starts to pull her outside toward the car, but UJW backs away.

UFG: (entering) Oh, my God, what are you guys doing? Toot, leave my mom alone!

Toot: Oh... this is YOUR mother! (to UJW) Sorry, stretchy girl's mom!

UFG: I'm sorry, I should have told the rest of you she was coming. Mom, these are the housemates who live with Captain Hero. This is... (She suddenly sees how they are all dressed.) Um... why are you all dressed up as The View?

Toot: We're honoring Xandir's final request before we ritualistically murder him!

Xandir: Oh my God! Unusually Flexible Girl! You watch The View?

UFG: (with disgust) Eww, no! Only fruits and middle aged housewives watch that show!

Clara: (to Xandir) I told you!

UFG: No, Mom, these aren't really the women from The View. They're just pretending.

UJW: I swear... anything to break an old lady's heart!

UFG: Mom, this is Xandir... Foxxy... Clara... and the one who was manhandling you a minute ago is Toot!

Toot: Pleased to meet you.

UJW: Charmed, I'm sure.

UFG: And everyone, this is my mother, Unusually Jewish Woman.

Clara: That figures.

Xandir: (shaking UJW's hand) It's so nice to meet you, Unusually Jewish Woman! I'm Xandir!

UJW: Xandir... oh, you must be the faygele!

Xandir: Um... what?

UJW: (letting go of Xandir's hand) A man who has sex with other men!

Xandir: Oh, you mean a gay man. Yeah, I am, I just wasn't familiar with that word for it.

UJW: I'm sorry, I should have used my other word for it.

Xandir: What's that?

UJW: Sinner!

Clara: Maybe I was wrong! Maybe the Jews aren't so misguided after all!

UJW: So anyway, where is he? Where's that awful young boy who won't marry you?

UFG: Captain Hero will be here in a minute, Mom.

UJW: I don't understand you young people. You're partnered to each other but you won't get married! Why do you have to live in sin like this?

Clara: Partnered? That's ridiculous! They're not- (Foxxy interrupts.)

Foxxy: In need of our presence here at the moment! Come on, you guys, let's get out of these people's hair and go get some ice cream while I explain this whole convoluted plot to you!

Clara: I'm not going out for ice cream dressed like this!

Toot: Well, I am! Now get your ass out here, Clara!

Foxxy and Xandir leave, with Toot following them out dragging Clara with her.

UFG (in confessional): I really felt the most important thing for us to do was to try to establish a good rapport with my mother before we told her the bad news. So while the girls were out getting ice cream, the guys were upstairs playing video games, and Xandir was in the tool shed messing around with the pool boy, Captain Hero and I sat down with my mother for a nice friendly dinner.

Cut to the kitchen where UFG and Captain Hero are sitting at dinner with UJW.

Hero: So... Unusually Jewish Woman... this is a wonderful daughter you have here!

UJW: If she's so wonderful, then how come you haven't married her yet?

Hero: Okay, I see building up to the serious stuff through small talk isn't going to work.

UJW: What's wrong with my daughter? Just tell me what it is you don't like about her!

Hero: Don't be silly! There's NOTHING I don't like about her!

UJW: Then why won't you marry her? Tell me, Leslie, what is it about her that's keeping you from marrying her!

Hero: Well, I... er... I... (Suddenly turns away from the table toward the camera.) Unusually Jewish Woman really had me on the spot. I was trying to figure out what I could tell her that would get her off my back while at the same time not committing myself to something I was really going to regret! (Both women are staring at Hero strangely.)

UFG: Um, Captain Hero?

Hero: What? (He turns back around and realizes he is still at the table.) Whoops. Guess I forgot to actually go into the confessional first before I started talking! I'd better go do that now! (He starts to get up, but UJW calls him back.)

UJW: Sit back down in that chair, Leslie! You've already made your feelings perfectly clear! (Hero sits back down, somewhat embarrassed.)

Hero: Sorry.

UJW: Obviously, you're one of those men who just likes to use women for sex! You're stringing my innocent daughter along while you sow all your wild oats! Well, my Mandy isn't getting any younger here, Leslie! She doesn't have time to be your personal ongoing booty call!

Hero: I... er... I...

UFG: Oh, stop it, Mom! It's not Captain Hero's fault we're not married! It's mine!

UJW: Yours? That's impossible!

UFG: Yes! Captain Hero WANTED to marry me, but I said no!

UJW: Oh, my God! Leslie, is this true?

Hero: Sure, um, I guess so.

UJW: So you actually received a proposal and you turned it down? Why?

UFG: Well... I wasn't ready to settle down! I wanted to play the field a bit first!

UJW: Oh... so is that why I've seen you with that strange yellow man a couple of times?

UFG: Sure, Mom. Yeah.

UJW: Mandy, you have to stop this foolishness. You're almost in your mid-30s! It simply isn't acceptable for a woman that old not to have a permanent mate. It just isn't Jewish!

UFG: I know, Mom. And I'm sorry. I promise you, I'll do better.

UJW: Thank you. (She turns to Hero.) So you really did intend to marry my daughter?

Hero: I did.

UJW: (to UFG) And you're over your silliness?

UFG: Yes.

UJW: Perfect! Then, in that case, I'll see you both on Saturday!

UFG: Saturday? What for?

UJW: What for? Why, for your wedding, of course! (Captain Hero and UFG both immediately do spit takes.)

UFG: Oh my God! I just did a spit take and I wasn't even drinking anything!

Hero: Our WHAT?

UFG: Did you say wedding?

UJW: Of course! Now that you're both ready to settle down and be together, there's no need to wait any longer! I'll call your father and set the whole thing up!

Hero: But that's ridiculous! We can't have a wedding that soon! We'll never find someone to perform the service on such short notice!

UJW: Don't be silly! Her father can perform the service!

UFG: My father is a rabbi, Captain Hero.

Hero: Damn. I should have remembered that.

UJW: So it's settled. You two can cancel whatever plans you may have had, and we'll have the wedding this Saturday afternoon! (She gets up from the table.) Oh, this makes me so happy! My little girl is finally going to be a bride! (She kisses UFG, then steps over to Hero.) I'm really going to enjoy having you as a son-in-law! (She kisses Hero on the cheek, then walks out. Hero and UFG look panicked for a moment, then turn to each other.)

Hero: Oh my God! Did you hear that? She actually expects us to get married on Saturday!

UFG: I know, Captain Hero, I know!

Hero: You promised me if I just played along, everything would be all right!

UFG: I know, Captain Hero! I'm sorry! I thought we could buy her off with some empty promises and then she'd leave! I didn't think she'd actually go ahead and plan a wedding ceremony!

Hero: I don't believe this. You know, THIS is why I didn't marry you! (She gives him an evil glare, then composes herself.)

UFG: Okay, look. Saturday is still a few days away. Just give me a little time and I'll think of a way out of this, okay?

Hero: I already know of a way. We tell her the TRUTH!

UFG: Captain Hero... my mother is capable of laying on the guilt like no one's business. We tell her the truth, she's going to make us both hate ourselves for the rest of our lives! Like I said before, they don't call her Unusually Jewish Woman for nothing! Now I promise you, just give me some time and I'll come up with a solution! I promise!

Hero: Fine. But it better be good.

UFG: It will.

Hero: And you'd better hurry up with it. We only have five days left until Saturday!

UFG: Captain Hero, it's Tuesday. Saturday's four days from now, not five.

Hero: Oh, right. Wow, Foxxy's math skills must be rubbing off on me!

Hero shrugs. UFG shakes her head.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

UFG (in confessional): So I did some thinking about it, and I finally came up with a plan. After consulting all the books I could find to think of a diplomatic way to break things off without upsetting Jewish customs, I finally found the answer in the place I should have thought to look in all along: by watching a certain episode of Friends!

Cut to the synagogue on the day of the wedding. Clara, Toot, and Xandir sit in the congregation discussing things. Toot is crying.

Clara: Wow. They are REALLY carrying this thing through to the bitter end, aren't they? I mean, this whole scenario is even more outlandish than the one we enacted for YOU that one time! Remember, when you were going to tell your parents you were gay?

Xandir: I know, what's that about, anyway? Usually, whenever someone comes up with a crazy scheme, we think it's silly, but when parents are involved, it seems all bets are off!

Clara: You're right, we're usually above that kind of silliness... Elizabeth!

Xandir: Did you say something, Joy? (Clara glares at him. Xandir turns back away from her.) Geez, *I* thought it was pretty fun!

Clara: That makes one of us!

Xandir: (to Toot) Awwww, Toot. I think it's sweet that you always cry at weddings! You don't have to cry at this one, though. It's not a real wedding.

Toot: (still sobbing) I'm not crying because of the wedding, Xandir. It's because I saw Beaches last night! *sniff* Captain Hero was right, that movie was such a waste of money! *sniff* And that was money that could have gone to buy me cheesecake!

As the group continues to sit, Clara suddenly hears a voice from behind.

Voice: Well, well, well, if it isn't the famous Jew hater herself! I never thought I'd see YOU back in my synagogue again, young lady!

Clara turns with a start. We see that it is none other than Edward Goldberg.

Clara: Oh my God... YOU!

Goldberg: (smiling) Surprised to see me?

Clara: (to Toot and Xandir) A little heads up would have been nice, you guys!

Goldberg: So how are you, Clara? Your horrified reaction tells me you still hate the Jews, I see.

Clara: I don't hate Jews at all. Just YOU!

Goldberg: I can't believe you weren't expecting me. This IS my daughter's wedding, after all!

Clara: I completely forgot that Unusually Flexible Girl was your daughter.

Clara (in confessional): You know, if these two are UFG's parents... this explains why that girl is such a basket case!

Clara: Mr. Goldberg, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that in the months since our... "incident"... I've made some big, big strides in getting over my hatred of Jews.

Toot: It's true. Mr. Goldberg, she has! I'M a Jew, and Clara and I are best friends now!

Goldberg: Yes, my dear, but since you don't go to synagogue or eat Kosher, you hardly count as a real Jew!

Toot: (to Clara) Clara, I'm starting to understand why you always hated us.

Cut to the small room in back. Hero stands prepping himself for the wedding. UFG suddenly enters in her wedding dress.

Hero: Oh my God! Unusually Flexible Girl! I'm not supposed to see you in your dress before your wedding! You'd better take it off right now! And don't worry if you're not wearing anything underneath it. That doesn't bother me, really.

UFG: Captain Hero, I just came by to go over the plan with you one last time.

Hero: Oh, don't worry, I have it down perfectly!

UFG: Yeah, but we kinda also need to recap it for our viewers, too. They probably haven't seen it yet.

Hero: Right, right, of course. So this is what we'll do. We'll go through the ceremony and then when we get to the part where I say, "I take thee"...

UFG: You do like Ross did in that Friends episode and say some other girl's name instead of mine! Naturally, I'll be all flustered, so my mom won't blame me when I call the wedding off! But since it was an honest mistake on your part, she can't hold it against YOU either. It'll just be one of those unfortunate things that happens! I mean, sure, she'll kvetch about it for a while, but she'll get over it shortly, and no one's feelings will be hurt.

Hero: Well, I'd still rather tell her the truth, but I suppose you know what you're doing!

UFG: Of course I know what I'm doing! Trust me! (She starts to dash out, but Hero calls to her.)

Hero: Oh, Unusually Flexible Girl?

UFG: Yes?

Hero: What girl's name should I use in my speech?

UFG: I don't care! Pick any girl's name you like. It doesn't matter!

Hero: Will do! (UFG leaves. Foxxy enters.)

Foxxy: Excuse me. Captain Hero?

Hero: What is it, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Captain Hero, I need to talk to you for a minute about this thing you guys are doing today. I'm not sure I trust it.

Hero: Don't be silly, Foxxy. Unusually Flexible Girl has things well under control!

Foxxy: That's what I'm afraid of!

Hero: What do you mean?

Foxxy: Captain Hero, I may just be getting paranoid, but... did it occur to you maybe Unusually Flexible Girl isn't doing this to fool her mother? Did you ever think that this may be her way of getting you back?

Hero: Getting me back? For what? What did I do to her?

Foxxy: I don't mean getting you back as in getting revenge on you. I mean getting you back as in getting you back in her man-stealing little clutches again!

Hero: What do you mean?

Foxxy: God, if I didn't have to explain every little thing, these shows would be like, five minutes long! I mean... the idea is that you're going to call her the wrong name at the altar and she's going to call off the wedding. Well, what if she doesn't? What if she lets the wedding go through anyway and the next thing you know, you're Mr. and Mrs. Hero!

Hero: Oh, don't be silly, Foxxy! Unusually Flexible Girl would never do that to me! She knows I don't really want to be with her. And besides, she's very happy with Wooldoor!

Foxxy: Well, I hope for your sake that you're right. (She starts to walk out, but as she gets to the door, she stops and turns to Hero.) Just be careful, okay?

Hero: Don't worry, Foxxy. Like Spanky said in the first part of the episode, nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong!

Foxxy: Damn! I am so gonna put that pig on a sandwich with a side of fries one of these days! And maybe some mayo too.

As Hero resumes prepping, Foxxy exits. On the way out, she passes Wooldoor standing outside the door with a worried look on his face.

Wooldoor (in confessional): What Foxxy said worried me. Could this be true? Was this whole fake wedding just part of a bigger scheme for Mandy to get Captain Hero back? I thought we were really happy together, but I guess once you've been with someone like Captain Hero, you don't forget him just like that. (sighs) Boy, if I were gay, I would SO be all over him! (regains control) It also pissed me off they weren't letting me perform the wedding! I mean, who cares that I'm not Jewish? That didn't seem important when I married Barbra Streisand and James Brolin! (He leans toward the camera and whispers.) Hey... you guys want me to let you in on a little secret? That wedding was fake too!

Cut back to the congregation. The ceremony is just beginning. Edward Goldberg is reading from a Hebrew prayer book.

Clara (in confessional): I don't really have anything to say at the moment, I just figured you guys didn't want to have to sit through the whole ceremony just to get to the important part. Hmm... now that I have your undivided attention... I haven't sung in a long time, you know! Why don't I do that now? (She begins singing.) Some people wait a lifetime...

Toot: (offscreen, cutting her off) If I can't do it, Clara, YOU can't!

Clara: Crap.

Cut back to the wedding. The ceremony is now at its climax.

UFG: ... take thee, Leslie...

Toot: Oh, come on, hurry it up already!

Xandir: Toot, be quiet!

Toot: Can't we just skip to the part where they break a wine glass and then we all drink wine and get plastered and Captain Hero makes a pass at me and we go make out under that cloth thing the Jews always put up for reasons I haven't even begun to fathom?

Clara: (slightly shocked) Was that what you guys did at MY wedding?

Toot: Of course not, Clara! You didn't have a cloth, so we had to do it behind the wedding cake! (Clara shakes her head. The focus shifts back to the ceremony.)

Goldberg: Captain Hero, repeat after me. I, Leslie...

Hero: I, Leslie.

Goldberg: Take thee, Mandy.

Hero: Take thee, Mandy. (Goldberg is about to continue, but UFG lets out a shriek.)

UFG: WHAT???

Hero: I'm sorry. What's wrong?

UFG: Captain Hero, you were supposed to mess up and say some other girl's name!

Hero: I did! I said "Mandy"! (He suddenly realizes.) Oh, wait! YOUR name's Mandy! Oh, my God! I totally forgot that was actually your name! I was thinking your name was Candy!

UFG: I don't believe it! How do you always do this?

Unusually Jewish Woman gets out of her seat and approaches them.

UJW: What's going on here? What are you trying to pull? (to Hero) Are you trying to make a mockery of my daughter's wedding?

UFG: Don't be silly, Mom! Captain Hero's just having a little joke! Aren't you, Captain Hero? (She looks at him, but he glares at her. She turns back to UJW.) I tried to tell him that a wedding ceremony isn't the place for that kind of thing, but you know how we Jews are! Always in the mood for a good laugh!

UJW: (to Hero, sternly) Now you stop this foolishness right now and marry my daughter before I smack you upside the head with a gefilte fish! I have one in my purse, you know!

Hero: Mrs. Goldberg, if I could just explain-

UFG: Oh, so you remember my LAST name!

UJW: So what's the deal? Do you not WANT to marry my daughter? Is she not good enough for you?

Hero: No! That's not it at all!

UJW: Then what is it?

Hero: Mrs. Goldberg, I apologize that we haven't been honest with you these last few days. And I know you were really hoping that Candy and I-

UFG: MANDY!!!

Hero: That Mandy and I would make a match of it, but the fact is, we don't plan to get married to each other. Ever!

UJW: So what, you're just going to live in sin for the rest of your life like a couple of... Catholics? (In the background, we can see Clara give an indignant shriek.)

Hero: No, Mrs. Goldberg, we're not living in sin. The fact of the matter is that your daughter and I are not even together anymore. We split up a long time ago.

UJW: Mandy... is this true?

UFG: (resigned) Yes, Mom. It's true. Captain Hero called things off between us a while back.

UJW: Called them off entirely? (to Hero, angrily) So my daughter's not even good enough to be your ongoing booty call?

Clara: I am really not comfortable with everyone using that term so liberally!

Hero: No, Mrs. Goldberg, that's not how it is at all! Yes, it's true that I refused to marry Unusually Flexible Girl initially. And it's true, I did use her just for sex for a while.

UJW: So why'd you stop? You get tired of her?

Hero: No, I did not get tired of her! The reason I decided to call things off with her completely was because... I discovered something. I discovered what love truly was... and I realized that as great as she was, I would never have that with Unusually Flexible Girl. I discovered... this wonderful lady.

He motions for Foxxy to step forward.

UJW: (mildly shocked) A black girl?

Hero: (He walks over to Foxxy and puts his arm around her.) For a long time, I viewed relationships as nothing more than vehicles for sex. But that was because I never understood what love truly was. Foxxy here showed me exactly what it was... and she made me realize that I could have everything I ever wanted all in one place. Sex, love, the whole shebang! You see, Mrs. Goldberg, Foxxy and I have a connection. And great as she was, that's something I knew I would never have with your daughter. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think that's why I never took my relationship with her very seriously... or my relationship with ANYONE, for that matter. Anyone except Foxxy, that is. (He turns to Foxxy.) Right, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Right, Captain Hero. You know, I was all worried that Unusually Flexible Girl wanted to get you back in her clutches. I should have realized that it doesn't matter what SHE wants. It takes two people to make a relationship happen, and I know that YOUR heart belongs to ME unconditionally!

Hero: That's right, Foxxy, it does! (They kiss. UJW looks on still trying to believe what she is seeing.)

UJW: Well, I'm very happy that you two have found a relationship where you can be completely honest with each other. But where does that leave my daughter? (to UFG, frustrated) Are you EVER going to get married, Mandy?

UFG: Someday, Mom, I promise! But I don't see what the hurry is! These guys have shown me that I need to find somebody and take my time and let a relationship grow! THAT'S what true happiness is!

UJW: But my dear, when will you find someone? You don't even have a boyfriend at the moment!

UFG: Actually, Mom, I kind of do.

UJW: You do? Well, where is he?

UFG: Right... here! (She motions for Wooldoor to step forward.) I'm dating Wooldoor now, Mom! And to be honest, I don't know if it will lead to marriage. But right now we're taking our time and getting to know each other. And you want to know something, Mom? THAT'S a lot more satisfying than just making someone your husband!

UJW: Is that how desperate you've become, Mandy? You're so hard up for a man you're dating THIS? A yellow guy with socks?

UFG: Hey, now, I know he's not much to look at, but Wooldoor's a great guy! He really is!

UJW: Is he? (She turns away.) Ugh, I don't believe this! (She clutches her chest.) I swear, I think you two are giving me a heart attack! No, seriously, I'm actually having a heart attack right now! (She collapses to her knees.) Can someone call a paramedic? (She falls flat on the ground.)

Wooldoor: (springing into action) No need, I can save you! (He rips off his tux to reveal his doctor's uniform underneath. He then rolls UJW over onto her back.) Nurse, get me forty-eight cc's of cortisone and prepare a mycetyline injection of methyldexamphetamine sulfate. Stat! (He looks at Xandir.)

Xandir: Great. I guess I'm the nurse again.

Wooldoor (in confessional): After I worked my magic, we were able to save Unusually Jewish Woman from that heart attack. It's too graphic to show you on TV, though. Unlike SOME shows, we don't believe in showing you every little part of the surgery for the purposes of "medical authenticity". (He pauses for a few moments and look around, then looks back in the direction of the camera again.) I'm looking in YOUR direction, ER...

Cut back to the floor of the synagogue. As the others stand around her, UJW wakes up from her surgery. Xandir is wearing the same nurse's uniform he wore in "Captain Girl".

UJW: Oh, my God, am I dead? Is this heaven? No, it can't be. Otherwise, the faygele wouldn't be here!

Clara: I'm getting to like this woman more and more!

Wooldoor: You're not dead, Mrs. Goldberg. We saved your life.

UFG: You mean YOU saved her life! (to UJW) You see, Mom? I told you Wooldoor wasn't such a bad catch!

UJW: I have to admit, anyone who's as skilled a surgeon as you are has to have a lot on the ball. Um... what was your name again?

Wooldoor: Wooldoor.

UJW: Wooldoor, you're a good guy. My daughter is damn lucky to have found someone like you!

Wooldoor: Awww... thanks, Mrs. Goldberg!

UJW: And even better, you'll be able to provide for my daughter financially because YOU have an actual career! Unlike SOME lazy layabouts who may fly around everywhere saving the world, but who can't hold down a steady job and instead rely on some lousy reality show to pay all their bills! (She glances in Captain Hero's direction.)

Wooldoor: Well, I think this is just great! I'm so happy you approve of our union! Wheeeee!!!

UJW: So then, I guess that just leaves one more thing!

UFG: What's that, Mom?

UJW: Since you two are so happy together... when are you getting married? (Everyone begins laughing.)

UFG: Oh, Mom! You're too much!

As they all continue laughing, the scene fades to black. However, at the last minute, we suddenly fade back to the show. The scene fades to Ling-Ling and Spanky in Spanky's room still playing video games.

Spanky: Well, Ling-Ling? Didn't I tell you sitting this episode out would be a good idea?

Ling-Ling: You were right, honorable pig demon. Hanging out here and playing video games much more fun than being involved in silly sitcom plot!

They continue playing their game for a moment. Ling-Ling turns to Spanky.

Ling-Ling: You think episode over yet? It close to week now we've been in here!

Spanky: Ah, they'll come get us when it's done.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hope so! He getting hungry!

Ling-Ling and Spanky go back to playing their game. The scene fades again.


THE END