DTBL episode 24: Crumpets of Doom

[Raymond-Raymond]

CRUMPETS OF DOOM

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior where we see Spanky asleep in his bed. He suddenly wakes up. He looks around for a moment with a very confused look on his face.

Spanky (in confessional): I knew the second I woke up that day that something in the house wasn't quite right. There was something different going on, I just wasn't sure what. At first I thought it might be the scent coming from Xandir's room, but then I remembered it usually smells like that anyway. Like Wooldoor without his socks on, there was something strange afoot.

Spanky gets out of bed and begins to search the house. He goes into the hall and begins to look around.

Spanky: Everything seems normal out here... perhaps if I check the bathroom.

There is a closeup of his face as he opens the bathroom door. Immediately his look changes to one of total shock. The camera then pulls out to reveal the state of the bathroom. There are discarded clothes scattered all over the place and mud stains everywhere. Nothing is in its proper place. Spanky realizes that the shower is still running. He gets a lascivious grin on his face. He quickly runs back across the hall and looks through the keyhole into the guys' room. He sees that Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor are all sleeping soundly.

Spanky: Perfect! It's none of the guys... that means there's some FEMALE nudity going on! Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!

He rushes back into the bathroom and up to the shower door. He quickly composes himself.

Spanky: Okay, gotta make it look accidental. (He takes a deep breath, then opens the shower door.) La la la, it's time for my shower now, I thought I'd just- oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize there was- (He stops suddenly. The look of confusion he had earlier returns to his face.) What the hell? (The camera pulls out to reveal that the shower is empty.) Empty? So someone finished their shower and got out and just left the water running? Who around here would do that? And the state of overall disarray that the bathroom is in... if I didn't know better, I'd swear there was a connection! (He thinks for a moment, then shrugs.) Oh, well. Think I'll go downstairs and get some breakfast.

We then see Spanky entering the kitchen. The kitchen is in an even worse state than the bathroom. Dirty dishes are piled everywhere along with discarded food containers. There are a number of spilled drinks on the table, the countertop, and the floor. As with the bathroom, there are also numerous articles of discarded clothing.

Spanky: Who in the hell did all this? Hmmm... perhaps I'll just watch TV instead.

He walks into the living room. The place, as were the bathroom and the kitchen, is in complete disarray. There are empty beer cans everywhere as well as a great deal of garbage, including numerous empty takeout containers. And as with the bathroom and the kitchen, there are discarded clothes everywhere.

Spanky: The whole house has been turned upside down! Now I know it wasn't like this when we all went to bed last night! Now who on earth is capable of trashing an entire house in this short a span of time?

Spanky (in confessional): And then it hit me. There was only one possible explanation for the state of the house.

Spanky quickly runs upstairs to the guys' bedroom. He bursts through the door frantically.

Spanky: Guys! Guys! Get up! We have a real emergency on our hands! You all have to get up right now! (The guys, still groggy, begin to stir.)

Wooldoor: What is it, Spanky?

Spanky: It's the house. The place is in complete shambles! There's clothes and dirt scattered everywhere... the place is just a total mess!

Xandir: But... how can that be? I know it wasn't like that when we went to bed last night!

Spanky: That's right, Xandir. And I'm afraid there's only one possible explanation for it all.

Hero: (fearfully) You don't mean...?

Spanky: I'm afraid so. (Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor all gasp in horror.) The women of the house have all GONE and left the men here by themselves!

With looks of extreme fear on their faces, Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor all gasp in horror once more. We hear the infamous "dun dun dunnnnnn" tone.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Clara (in confessional): The girls and I had decided to get up early and go to the mall. We thought about asking the guys if they wanted to come, but then I remembered what happened last time.

Cut to an exterior shot of the mall. We see a sign that says "Sears". The scene then cuts to the interior where we see Spanky and Hero playing with power tools.

Spanky: Okay, here's the rules. We each take turns shoving as many power tools up our noses as we can. The first one who screams automatically loses. Got it?

Hero: Got it!

Spanky: Okay... go!

Hero immediately begins grabbing a variety of drills and chainsaws and begins using his super powers to jam them up his nose. However, instead of doing the same, Spanky stands and watches Hero.

Spanky: Wow... now that man is talented! (He begins to look around. Across the room, he sees Xandir.) Xandir! What the hell are you doing? (He walks over to Xandir.)

Xandir: What's it look like I'm doing, Spanky? I'm buffing the floors!

Spanky: I may be wrong about this, but... last time I checked, buffing the floors didn't consist of running the buffer while sitting bare assed on top of it while it remains in the same spot.

Xandir: Hmm, you may be right. Maybe I need to turn the buffer over and sit on THAT part of it.

Spanky: Do what you gotta do, man. (Wooldoor immediately rushes up to Spanky holding a stack of magazines.)

Wooldoor: Spanky! Spanky! I got them!

Spanky: You got all the porn magazines out of the bookstore? Excellent! How'd you do that without them seeing you?

Wooldoor: They weren't supposed to see me?

Security guard: (offstage) There he is! The guy who stole all the porn!

Second guard: (offstage) Let's grab him!

Wooldoor: Waaaaaaaaaaagh!

Wooldoor quickly shoves the magazines into Spanky's hands and runs off. The guards run onto the scene, passing Spanky and chasing after Wooldoor.

Spanky: Huh.

Spanky sits down and begins reading one of the magazines. He smiles.

Spanky: Oh yeah... oh yeah, that's niiiiiice! (He flips the page and suddenly becomes alarmed.) What the hell? Mom???

As Spanky sits looking at the magazine in astonishment, we see Hero's legs come into view.

Hero: I did it, Spanky! I did it!

Spanky: Cool. So why don't I just- (He stops and looks at Hero. He suddenly gets extremely freaked out.) Oh my God! Hero! What the hell happened?

We see Hero in full view. His head is now gone.

Hero: Once I had all those power tools up my nose, I was curious what it would feel like if I turned them all on. I gotta say, it's not bad!

Spanky: Ah. Well, I can see that. (They pause for a moment.) Hey, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna get back to my magazine.

Hero: Sure thing, bro.

Spanky returns to his magazine. After a moment, he briefly puts it down and looks at Hero again.

Spanky: By the way, Hero- how is it that you're talking?

Hero shrugs. The scene changes back to the present. We see the girls in the Foxxy 5 van. Foxxy is driving while Clara sits in the passenger seat beside her. She is wearing her sundress instead of her princess dress, and Ling-Ling is strapped to her chest in the baby carrier. Toot crouches beside them.

Foxxy: I swear to God... it seems like no matter how early we get here, there still ain't no place to park!

Clara: I think most of these people live here or something.

Foxxy: Oh, here we go. I'll just park here in this compact spot!

Toot suddenly grabs Foxxy by her top.

Toot: (angry) The hell you will! I don't care if we have to park half a mile away and walk, we are not parking in another goddamn compact spot!

Foxxy: All right, Toot, geez! Get a hold of yo'self, girl! I'll drive around a while! (Toot releases Foxxy and sits back down.) So now what are we gonna do? That was the only empty spot in this whole place! Oh, wait, I got an idea.

We see a police officer standing outside the mall. Foxxy pulls up alongside him.

Foxxy: Excuse me, please, Mr. Officer, sir, may I ask you a question?

Officer: You just did!

Toot: (irritated) Oh God, we got a funny cop!

Foxxy: This area right here that my van is now positioned over... there are many lines crisscrossing across it. Could you tell me what that means?

Officer: That means it's a no parking zone, ma'am.

Foxxy: I see. And if I were to leave my car here while my friends and I went into the mall and shopped, what would happen?

Officer: Your car would be impounded, ma'am. You'd have to pay a fine to get it back.

Foxxy: I see, I see. This "fine" you speak of- instead of money, would you permit me to pay for it with sexual favors?

Officer: Well... that would be nice, I suppose. But I don't know if that would be such a good idea...

Toot: We'll stop at Krispy Kreme and get you a box of donuts, too!

Officer: Deal! You ladies go on into the mall. I'll talk care of this!

Clara: Thanks, officer!

They all get out and go into the mall. The officer motions to the side.

Officer: Okay, Charlie, take her away!

We see that the van is now suddenly attached to a tow truck, which immediately pulls away. The scene changes to the women inside the mall.

Clara: Okay, guys, before we split up and go our separate ways-

Toot: Clara, those two expressions mean the same thing. You're being kind of redundant.

Clara: (to Foxxy) Now I know why you're always wanting to smack her.

Foxxy: It's just an urge you get when she's around.

Clara: Yeah, she gives off a vibe that drives you toward mild violence.

Toot: Blah, blah, blah! So anyway!

Clara: Anyway- before we split up, we need to pause a moment and get our itinerary in order.

Foxxy: Itinerary? What do you mean?

Toot: That means an organized list of what we're going to do today, Foxxy.

Foxxy: (to Clara) Smack her for me, will you?

Clara: Why can't you do it?

Foxxy: Cause you're closer!

Clara: Yeah, well, I can't. I just had my nails done.

Foxxy: (glaring at Toot) I guess you's safe this time, marshmallow. But watch it!

Toot: Whatever.

Foxxy: Anyway, as I was saying... I know what itinerary means. I'm just wondering why we need one! I mean, we's just gonna be hanging out at the mall! Who needs an itinerary for that?

Clara: I just want to make sure we get everything done we wanted to do today, that's all!

Toot: Yeah, cause it's not like this place is open 15 hours a day seven days a week! Oh wait... it is! But then, I'm not sure we'd be able to make it back anytime soon... you know, because of all the long hours we spend working at our jobs!

Clara: (to Foxxy, pointing at Toot) She's kind of on the sarcastic side.

Foxxy: Just a little.

Clara: Okay, then, we'll just go and then meet at the food court for lunch at noon. All right?

Toot: Deal! (They each immediately run off leaving Clara and Ling-Ling standing there.)

Clara: No one ever listens to me, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: They just silly. Ling-Ling know Carla most intelligent one in entire group.

Clara: That's very sweet of you, Ling-Ling. But I think you might be a little bit biased.

Ling-Ling: Maybe so. Ling-Ling guess Carla just have to deal with that. (Clara laughs.)

Clara: (rubbing Ling-Ling's head) Yes, Ling-Ling, I suppose I will. (They walk off.)

The scene changes to Toot walking briskly through the mall.

Toot (in confessional): No, I was not heading straight for the food court! I do have other interests in life besides food, you know! True, not that many, but I do have them!

As Toot walks through the mall, a man behind a kiosk begins trying to attract her attention.

Man: Hey, lady! Lady, come over here! Lady!

Toot: I thought I told you people already, I'm not a damn prostitute!

Man: I'm not trying to solicit you, I promise! I just think you're really cute, that's all, and I'd like to talk to you. (Toot suddenly stops. In a flash, she is standing at the kiosk in front of the man.)

Toot: (smiling flirtatiously) Well... as it happens, I do have a boyfriend already. But it's nice to know that you have good taste!

Man: I do, ma'am! And not just in ladies- I also have great taste in cell phones! Like this one right here!

He pulls out a cell phone and flips it open in front of Toot. With a skeptical eye, she looks up the sign over the man's kiosk. It says, "V-Mobile Wireless".

Toot: Oh, crap. I can't believe I fell for that! (to the man) Look, pal, you can skip the sales pitch. I'm quite happy with the provider I have now!

Man: I know you THINK you're happy! But if you give me a moment, I'll show you how V-Mobile can offer you so much more! Now, then, what's the most important thing you want in a wireless plan that your current provider doesn't give you?

Toot: (thinks a moment) Sex.

Man: Sex?

Toot: I want a wireless plan that will have sex with me. And I'm not talking about phone sex. I mean the real stuff. I want to experience actual orgasms just from making a phone call. Do you have a plan that will give me that?

Man: Well, no. But I can assure you that as soon as the technology is there, V-Mobile will be the first provider to offer it!

Toot: In that case, I'll just wait until you get it and THEN sign up.

Man: You could do that, true. But I don't think you realize all the great things you can have if you go ahead and sign up NOW!

Toot: How about a pony?

Man: What?

Toot: If I sign a contract with you, will you give me a pony?

Man: I don't have a pony. And even if I did, I don't think we're allowed to use live animals as bargaining tools.

Toot: You know, it doesn't seem to me like you're very interested in making a sale. If you were, you'd be making more of an effort to satisfy me!

Man: I bet this will satisfy you. You sign a two-year contract here today, and you get free long distance to anywhere in not only the United States, but in all of North America! That includes Canada and Mexico as well!

Toot: How about Colombia?

Man: Do you mean Columbia University or Columbia, South Carolina? Either way, they both fall under our plan!

Toot: No, I mean Colombia the country.

Man: In South America?

Toot: Yes. I have a massive coke habit and I need to make sure I'll be able to keep in touch with my supplier. Can you do that?

Man: Gee, um... I don't know.

Toot: Give me free long distance anytime day or night to my coke dealer in Bogotá and you've got yourself a deal!

Man: Bogotá. Oh boy. (He is now very nervous) Well, um... all right. You sign this two-year contract here today and you've got free long distance to Bogotá.

Toot: Excellent! (She peers over the contract.) Wait a minute... what's this crap at the bottom?

Man: Oh, that. Those are your billing rates.

Toot: Billing rates? You mean I gotta pay for it? Forget it!

Man: So let me get this straight, ma'am. You want a wireless plan that gives you sex, a pony, a direct line to your cocaine dealer in Colombia, and is free.

Toot: That's right! So have we got a deal?

Man: (fidgeting nervously) Ma'am, can you just give us something? Could you at least sign up for call waiting? It's only an extra dollar a month!

Toot: Well... all right.

Man: Good! Now, then, if you'll just sign here! (He hands a pen to Toot. She begins to sign, but then suddenly stops. The man sighs.) What now?

Toot: I just remembered something. I'm wanted in 17 states. Is it a problem with you if I don't put my real name on this?

The man sighs in exasperation, then looks off to the side for a moment. Finally, he turns and faces Toot again.

Man: You know what, ma'am? I don't think this is going to work out. Perhaps you're better off sticking with your current wireless provider.

Toot: I suppose you're right. Thanks anyway, though. (She puts down the pen and starts to walk away. As she is leaving, the man calls to her one final time.)

Man: Oh, ma'am? (She stops.) Can I just ask you one question?

Toot: You just did! (suddenly realizes) Hmm, that's ironic!

Man: Out of curiosity- who IS your current wireless provider?

Toot: Oh, my current wireless provider? Why, V-Mobile, of course!

Man: (by now extremely frustrated) What? You mean to tell me I spent all this time negotiating with you, and you already have a contract with us? Why didn't you tell me that at the beginning?

Toot: Oopsie! I guess I forgot! Oh, well. Toodles! (She waves at the man, then turns around and walks off. The man hangs his head down in utter exasperation.)

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling in another part of the mall.

Clara: Well, Ling-Ling, it looks like we have the whole mall to ourselves for a while. Where do you want to go first?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want to go to nail salon! He in mood for pedicure!

Clara: Ling-Ling, I thought I told you before. Those salons don't like it when you just walk in there and start giving their customers pedicures without asking!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling always ask!

Clara: I know, but they don't say yes!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not see why that should be important.

Clara: Tell you what, you can give me one later. But for now, I just want to relax and shop.

Ling-Ling: Well... okay. (They continue walking.)

Clara: Hey, I have an idea. Toot was talking about going to this retro thrift store that sounded pretty interesting.

Ling-Ling: Is that thrift store made up to look like thrift stores from days of old?

Clara: No, Ling-Ling, it's a thrift store that sells retro clothing.

Ling-Ling: Carla want to look like damn dirty hippie?

Clara: Well... maybe a clean, conservative hippie.

Ling-Ling: Don't be silly, Carla, there no such thing.

As they continue to walk along, they pass a photography outlet. There are photos all over the wall of babies in various costumes and settings. A photographer stands out front.

Clara: Oh, my! What is this place? It's like someone took Anne Geddes's most private fantasies and turned them into a mall outlet!

Photographer: (walking up to them) Hello there, ma'am. I couldn't help but notice you were stopping to look at my work. Quite impressive, don't you think?

Clara: Yes. Seeing all these babies dressed up like furry woodland creatures is a memory that will stay with me for the rest of my life. (The photographer smiles.) Oh sure, I'll TRY to repress it, but it'll get to the point where every time I go to bed, I'll wake up moments later having night sweats! I suppose therapy might help. You know, being a devout Christian my entire life, I've always believed that suicide is one of the worst sins you can commit. But now, looking at all the horror I see on these walls, I think I've found a logical rationale for it!

Photographer: I see. So you're not keen on my artistic representations of infants. That's okay. I can take some beautiful straightforward shots of babies, too. No costumes, no colorful backdrops, just your baby in all its natural God-given beauty.

Clara: Well, that's very refreshing.

Photographer: So what do you think? Are you interested?

Clara: Me? Oh, don't be silly! I don't have any babies for you to photograph!

Photographer: You don't?. (points to Ling-Ling) So are you watching him for a friend?

Clara: What are you talking about?

Photographer: That baby you're holding there.

Clara: You mean Ling-Ling? (She laughs.) Ling-Ling's not a baby! He's my husband!

Photographer: Your husband? (suddenly realizes) Oh, he must be Asian! (Ling-Ling looks very annoyed.)

Clara: Yes. Well, anyway, I'll keep you in mind, and should we ever have need of your services, we'll give you a call.

Photographer: Well, why don't we go ahead and do it right now?

Clara: Do what right now?

Photographer: Take some pictures! He would make for some adorable shots! Even if he isn't technically a baby!

Clara: You want to take baby pictures of my husband?

Photographer: Yes.

Clara: Even though he isn't actually a baby?

Photographer: Maybe not, but he's close enough to one that he would still fall well within my realm of experience!

Clara: That's okay, I really don't think we'd be interested!

Photographer: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You come into the studio and let me take a few shots of him. I'll let you keep the photos free of charge!

Clara: Really?

Photographer: That's how confident I am that once you see what I can do with your baby-

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not baby!

Photographer: I'm sorry. Your husband. I'm sure that once you see what I can do with your husband, you won't hesitate to call me in the future or recommend me to a friend.

Clara: Well... I suppose as long as we're getting some free photographs out of the deal. (She looks down at Ling-Ling.) Are you okay with this, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess. He could use some new headshots. Still thinking of launching career as swimsuit model!

Photographer: Then it's settled! Come along, then, and we'll get started!

The photographer quickly hustles Clara into the studio.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Toot (in confessional): I went by that retro thrift store that I'd been telling Clara about. And well... just let me say that there's a reason that people got rid of those clothes! Only someone who was completely insane would buy any of the crap they had in that place!

Cut to Toot walking out of the store. She is now dressed in a tie-dyed T-shirt with a Grateful Dead logo, a brown fur-coated vest, blue jeans, and sandals. Her hair is now long and hanging down, and she is wearing John Lennon style sunglasses. She is carrying a bag containing her old clothes, as evidenced by one of her stockings hanging over the side.

Toot: Well, that was fun! Now let's see what the others are up to!

Toot (in confessional): Clara didn't seem to be anywhere about at the moment, but I did manage to find Foxxy... in the one place I would never have expected to find her in a million years!

The scene abruptly cuts to a store front reading "Bookstore". After a moment, the scene changes to Toot walking into the bookstore and seeing Foxxy. Foxxy is browsing through a variety of books, strangely excited.

Toot: Foxxy? What the hell are you doing in here? In a bookstore? (She reacts in mock surprise.) Oh my God, Foxxy, are the rumors true? Have you finally learned how to read?

Foxxy: Very funny, Toot.

Toot: So what's going on? You seem to have an awful lot of books here. What kind of stuff are you looking at?

Foxxy: Toot, you will not believe what I just found! Look at this! (Foxxy hands a book to Toot. Toot opens it and begins reading.)

Toot: (reading aloud) "Catherine knew that Raymond was no good for her. He had treated her more badly than she had a right to be treated. But she also knew that deep down in her soul, she had an immense void that only his hot man chowder could fill..." (She wrinkles her brow.) Foxxy, what is this? (She flips the book over and looks at the cover. It has a photograph of Fabio holding a scantily clad woman aboard a sinking ship. The title reads "Going Down on the Titanic".)

Foxxy: Do you believe that? I didn't know they made pornography in book form!

Toot: Yeah. They're called romance novels.

Foxxy: Romance novels? (thinks a moment) Hmm. Seems like porn to me!

Toot: They're porn for girls.

Foxxy: Oh, I guess that makes sense. (She suddenly notices how Toot is dressed.) Um, Toot? Pardon me for asking, but what the hell did you go and do to yo'self?

Toot: I'm trying out a new look! What do you think?

Foxxy: Well, you're still pretty far behind the times. But you're getting closer, at least!

Toot: Thanks. So is that what you've been doing all this time? Checking out lady porn?

Foxxy: Pretty much! Here, see if you can help me find some good ones.

Toot: (shrugs) Okay. (She begins perusing the books.) Wow... do you believe some of these titles? "The Pirate's Booty"? "Love in the Age of Cholera"?

Foxxy: How about this one? "The Italian Millionaire's Virgin Wife"

Toot: Ah, yes. Also known as "The Male Author's Wish Fulfillment Fantasy". Hmm, here's an interesting one. "A Temporary Arrangement".

Foxxy: They must be referring to that book's presence on store shelves. How about this one? "Blame It on Texas".

Toot: I blame MOST things on Texas, actually.

Foxxy: "Mistress Bought and Paid For".

Toot: You can buy those? Damn, I must have missed that section at Target! Oh, here's an interesting one. "A Nine-to-Five Affair".

Foxxy: Damn! Talk about marathon sex! Man, just reading that title makes me tired! What do you suppose this one's about? "Outback Baby".

Toot: Whatever it was, I just hope it didn't accidentally end up on the menu.

Foxxy: Just to be safe, though, don't order the 7 pound chicken platter.

Toot: "Bought by Her Husband". What's with this trend about women being bought? Is the sex slave trade going mainstream or something?

Foxxy: Either that or Rick James ain't dead after all!

Toot: "If You Could Read My Mind"... you'd see how embarrassed I am to be making my living writing this trash.

Foxxy: Here's another one. "Deadly Memories".

Toot: Paying money to read that is something I would consider a deadly memory. "Saying Yes to the Boss".

Foxxy: That's right, women! How to make sexual harassment in the workplace work for you!

Toot: "The Bought and Paid For Wife". Okay, hold on, let's backtrack. First we had "Mistress Bought and Paid For". I guess he married the woman, then he lost her somehow and he had to buy her back again. I guess since after that, she was "Bought by Her Husband", that means she's now "The Bought and Paid For Wife". So I guess it all logically follows.

Foxxy: "Bunking Down with the Boss".

Toot: MORE sexual harassment stuff? Apparently, women all have a secret desire to sleep with their boss!

Foxxy: And I thought it was just me! Oh, here's one. "Remember Texas".

Toot: Ah, yes. We're blaming them for something, right?

Foxxy: "Dakota Meltdown".

Toot: Next on E! True Hollywood Stories!

Foxxy: "The Devil's Heiress". AKA, the Paris Hilton Story.

Toot: "Their Scandalous Affair". What? They're writing about scandal? I'm shocked! These novels NEVER have anything tawdry and sleazy going on in them!

Foxxy: "His Very Personal Assistant".

Toot: (nods) More sexual harassment stuff. Okay. here's an unusual one. "Three Guys You'll Never Date".

Foxxy: So would that be a romance novel founded on the proposition of NOT hooking up?

Toot: Maybe that's what lesbians read.

Cut to the photographer's studio. The photographer is setting a very unhappy looking Ling-Ling up for a shot.

Photographer: Just a moment... just a moment... there! That's perfect! (to Ling-Ling) Okay now, Asian man-baby... smile! (Ling-Ling suddenly turns on the widest, brightest smile of his life. The camera clicks and we see a flash. As soon as the photograph is taken, Ling-Ling's smile immediately changes back into a scowl.) Perfect! (to Clara) He really is quite a treasure, you know! Where did you find him? In a sweatshop?

Clara: (offended) No, I did not find him in a sweatshop! We met on the set of a TV reality show. You might have heard of it. Drawn Together?

Photographer: Is that the one where they put you on an island and they split you up into tribes and you have immunity challenges and stuff?

Clara: No, that's Survivor.

Photographer: Is it the one where everybody gets on stage and sings, and then the British guy gets all hateful and makes fun of you?

Clara: No, that's American Idol.

Photographer: Is it the one where they take these handicapped kids and make their wishes come true and take them to all these different places and let them have cool jobs like being firemen and policemen and stuff like that?

Clara: No, that's The Simple Life.

Photographer: Oh. Is it the one with the rapper and all the stupid women?

Clara: Yeah, um, I'm just going to assume you haven't seen it. Okay?

Photographer: Sure. Oh, hey, could you do me a favor real quick?

Clara: A favor? What is it?

Photographer: It's a small act of kindness performed by one human being to help another out. But that's not important now.

Clara: Seriously? You're stealing jokes from Airplane?

Photographer: I am serious! And don't call me- (Clara suddenly grabs the photographer by the throat.)

Clara: You finish that punch line and so help me God, I'll beat you senseless with your own camera! (The photographer nods. Clara lets go.)

Photographer: Anything you say, ma'am.

Clara: So what was this favor you wanted me to do?

Photographer: I'm really thirsty. Could you get me some water?

Clara: Of course. Do you have some on hand?

Photographer: I'm afraid I don't. But there's a water fountain down the hall. Could you grab a cup and go get me some?

Clara: Sure, I suppose so.

Clara grabs a cup and walks out. The photographer looks at Ling-Ling. Suddenly he begins to grin.

Photographer: Hmm... Suddenly I know EXACTLY what we can do to make the perfect photo! (Ling-Ling begins to look extremely worried.)

Cut back to Foxxy and Toot at the bookstore. There is now a massive pile of books assembled around them. They are both laughing hysterically as they browse through the books.

Toot: (reading from one) "And as he continued caressing the silky softness of Sarah's thighs, Armando suddenly felt his throbbing member straining to get out of the demin prison it was encased in." (Laughing, she puts it down.) I mean, can you imagine? Are we supposed to visualize his penis actually trying to unwork his zipper from inside his pants?

Foxxy: I don't see why not. I was kinda already doing that myself!

Toot: And how about this part? (She picks the book back up and resumes reading.) "As Armando continued to run his strong hands along the inner part of Sarah's thighs, Sarah put her hands on Armando's broad, muscular shoulders. At the same time, she kicked off her right shoe and with her toes unzipped Armando's zipper. She proceeded to pull Armando's pants off him with her feet. Once that was accomplished, she turned her attention to his throbbing manhood." I'm no expert, but... is that scenario even possible? From a logistical standpoint, I mean.

Foxxy: Sure, provided Sarah's tall enough. Here, I'll show you! (She sits down on the floor and pulls Toot over toward her.) You be Armando and I'll be Sarah. Now first, you need to take your shirt off...

Toot: Foxxy, I'm not going to let you undress me right here in the bookstore.

Foxxy: Why not? Is there a law against public nudity now?

Toot: Um, yes. And there has been for some time.

Foxxy: Oh. No one ever said anything about it to me before! I guess when it's the Foxxy that's showing her stuff, people is willing to let the rules slide!

Toot: You don't say. So anyway, where were we?

Foxxy: We was about to act out a scene from literature but you suddenly turned into a prude about it!

Toot: I just don't want to get arrested again, okay?

Foxxy: Tell you what. How about we read out this other scene? (She hands the book to Toot, who begins looking at it.) It's about a saucy servant wench and a handsome woodcutter!

Toot: Aren't ALL those books about saucy servant wenches and handsome woodcutters?

Foxxy: Don't know. I haven't read 'em all yet!

Toot: (still looking at book) Okay, that scene looks good. I'll read it with you.

Foxxy: Yeah! There you go!

Toot: I get to be Emily, though!

Foxxy: You wanna be the woman?

Toot: (glaring at Foxxy) Yes.

Foxxy: All right, fine. I'll be Hans, then.

Toot: (pulling another book from the shelf) Here, they have two copies of this one. We can each read our own.

Foxxy: Sounds good! You ready?

Toot: Ready! (She begins reading.) "Oh, Hans! Hans! How I long for your hot manliness!" These books are kind of repetitive, aren't they?

Foxxy: Never mind. "Emily, I have come to see you about what you want me to do with the wood."

Toot: "Just stack it outside the barn like you always do."

Foxxy: "Not the wood I chopped, I mean the other wood. MY wood!"

Toot: "Oh... well, I'd like you to stack that wood in a different place, if you know what I'm saying."

Foxxy: Okay, Toot, this isn't working.

Toot: What are you talking about? I was just getting into it!

Foxxy: Something ain't right here. I'm not really getting the atmosphere if you know what I mean.

Toot: Hmmm... I bet I know what it is. This is a period piece... maybe we need to be in costume!

Foxxy: The Foxxy likes the way you think!

Toot: In fact, I bet I know where we can get some! Come on, Foxxy, follow me! (She gets up and starts to dash out.)

Foxxy: Where we going?

Toot: The retro thrift store! (They both dash out leaving the pile of books behind them.

Cut back to the exterior of the photographer's studio. Clara walks up to it holding a cup of water. She walks inside. As soon as she gets inside, her face goes immediately white as a look of panic crosses her face.

Clara: Oh my God! Oh my God! What in God's name did you DO to him?

We see the photographer standing in front of Ling-Ling. He steps aside. We see that Ling-Ling is dressed as a panda and is sitting in front of a backdrop that looks like an enclosure at the zoo. We see some bamboo shoots at the edge of the backdrop.

Photographer: It's part of my new series- Zoo Babies! Check it out! (The photographer motions toward a display on the wall. Clara looks at it. She sees a succession of photographs of babies dressed up to look like zoo animals, all of which appear to be sitting in zoo cages.) You said he was Asian, right? He's the perfect choice to play Yum-Yum the Panda!

Clara: You even gave him an animal name? That's horrible!

Photographer: I'm just being artistic!

Clara: Oh, stop it! Babies are not artistic! Yes, they're beautiful in their own way, and photographs of them can be nice to look at! But you don't toss silly costumes on them and pose them like a bowl of fruit! You don't dress them up and parade them around like showhorses! It's the same as those awful photographers who take pictures of nude women! I mean, sure, it's not exactly pornography you're doing here, but the principle is the same. You're treating people like objects and that's not right!

Photographer: He's a person?

Clara: Yes! Kind of. I don't know, it's complicated. But at any rate, I do not appreciate you treating my husband like this. Why, do you know how embarrassed he'd be if any of his friends saw him dressed like that?

Photographer: Why would he be embarrassed? He looks very cute!

Clara: Would you like for me to dress YOU up in a panda suit and take pictures of you?

Photographer: Point taken.

Clara: Look, if there are mothers out there who want their babies to be seen like this, I suppose I can't stop them, try as I might. But I refuse to let my husband or any future children I might have be a part of this. Come on, Ling-Ling, let's go.

Ling-Ling stands up. He quickly discards the panda suit and hops into Clara's arms.

Photographer: I'm sorry you feel that way. I just hope there are no hard feelings.

Clara: It's okay. Don't worry about it. Oh, and about the free photos you promised us?

Photographer: Yes?

Clara: (hands the man a piece of paper) I'd like them sent to this address.

Grabbing the baby carrier, Clara walks out holding Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Carla?

Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Thanks.

Clara: Believe me, Ling-Ling, it was my pleasure.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want to ask you one thing, though. It about something you said in there.

Clara: What's that, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Carla say something about possible future children together?

Clara: Way too soon, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Just checking.

Cut to the bookstore. Foxxy stands in front of a makeshift stage that she and Toot have created out of all the romance novels. She addresses the crowd of people that has formed.

Foxxy: Thanks for coming to our dramatic reading, y'all! And now... Miss Foxxy Love and Miss Toot Braunstein is proud to present a little scene from one of our favorite works of literature. We give you... Flames of Passion!

Foxxy goes behind a curtain (also constucted out of romance novels) and pulls it back. She is now wearing a lumberjack uniform. Toot is sitting on the floor dressed in a maidservant's outfit.

Toot: Oh, Hans! Hans! Where on earth have you been?

Foxxy: (kneeling down next to Toot) I've been polishing my blade, Emily! Making it all nice and shiny for you just like you like it!

Toot: I didn't know you brought your axe with you, Hans!

Foxxy: Who's talking about my axe?

Toot: Oh, Hans!

Foxxy: (grabs Toot's shoulders) Emily!

Toot: No physical contact, Foxxy!

Foxxy: (lets go) Sorry.

Toot: Oh, Hans, I can't spend one more night here without you! Here in this lonely barn with all the cows and sheep...

Foxxy: Dammit, woman, stop talking like that! You know how livestock turns me on!

Toot: So what if I do? I *want* to turn you on, don't you see, Hans? How else are we going to make mad, passionate love to each other in this here hayloft?

Foxxy: That sounds mighty fine to me, ma'am! It's just that the mistress of the house would have my hide if she catches me out here with you, and I think I hear her coming right now!

Toot: So what if she is? You can take care of her... with your axe!

Foxxy: I thought I told you I didn't bring my axe.

Toot: No, I mean, the axe in your pants!

Foxxy: Ohhhh. Okay. (There is the sound of footsteps approaching, becoming rapidly louder each second.)

Toot: Eek! Hurry, Hans, hurry! I can hear her rapidly approaching now!

Clara: All right, you two, what the hell are you doing?

Toot: Oh my God! My mistress has caught us red hand- (She turns and looks. Her mood quickly changes.) Never mind, it's just Clara.

Clara: What on earth is going on here? What's the meaning of all this? What are you doing here?

Toot: We were just reading from this book we saw.

Clara: No, I mean Foxxy. Foxxy, what are you doing in a bookstore?

Foxxy: Oh, ha ha. Very funny, Clara. Y'all's a real laugh riot, you know that?

Clara: Look, you guys, it's almost noon. What say we go get some lunch and swap stories for a while before we start shopping again?

Toot: Sounds good to me.

Foxxy and Toot get up and begin to walk out of the bookstore with Clara and Ling-Ling.

Toot: It's probably a good thing you stopped us when you did, Clara. Foxxy and I were this close to enacting some lesbian gropefest.

Foxxy: Yeah. Our scene probably would have just devolved into some cheap male fantasy.

Clara: Hmm, speaking of men... I wonder how the guys are getting along without us.

Toot: God, given the high level of testosterone in the house now, I hate to think! Probably something even worse than Animal House, Blues Brothers, and Caddyshack combined!

Cut to the Drawn Together house. The place is now sparking clean. Xandir, Hero, and Wooldoor all sit around a table with teacups in front of them. Xandir is wearing Clara's princess dress, Hero is dressed as Snow White, and Wooldoor is also wearing a dress. They all have on lipstick.

Xandir: (calling into the kitchen) Oh, Spanky! Are the crumpets almost ready?

Spanky: (offscreen) Almost!

Hero: Oh, this is such fun! Having a tea party was a wonderful idea, Xandir!

Xandir: Isn't it, though?

Spanky enters holding a tray. He is wearing a dark purple dress, lipstick, and high heels.

Spanky: (He sets the tray down, then begins distributing the crumpets.) The crumpets are now served!

Hero: How delightful!

Wooldoor: What's a crumpet?

Spanky walks over to the empty chair beside Hero and sits down. We see a wide shot of the table. Hero and Spanky are sitting on the right, Xandir and Wooldoor on the left. At the head of the table is Eric Cartman, with Polly Prissypants and Artemis Clydefrog seated to his left and right, respectively. Cartman begins pouring the tea and handing it to each of the housemates.

Hero: This was a splendid idea, I must say!

Xandir: I know! What could be more delightful than having a tea party?

Spanky: Hey, everyone, look at me! (He begins speaking in falsetto.) I'm a female and I speak in a high voice! I have reproductive organs inside of me and I buy groceries!

Wooldoor: Ha ha! Oh, Spanky, you're so droll!

Xandir: Droll? Wait a minute. Are we women or Oscar Wilde?

Wooldoor: What's the difference?

They each begin sipping their tea. Suddenly Spanky notices that Hero is staring at him.

Spanky: Captain Hero? What are you doing?

Hero: Spanky... dude... your wife is HOT!

Spanky: Hero, it's me. Spanky.

Hero: Oh, I know, I was just commenting on how hot your wife is.

Wooldoor: No one ever comments on how hot MY wife is!

Spanky: Wooldoor, you're not married!

Wooldoor: Maybe I'm not, but I still have feelings! *sniff*

Xandir: Oh, it's okay, Wooldoor. No one tells me how hot MY wife is either!

Spanky: Xandir, you ARE the wife! (Each begins to laugh.)

Xandir: So would anyone like more tea?

Wooldoor: I would love some more tea! Thank you for offering!

Spanky: Yes, splendid idea, Xandir. Splendid idea!

Xandir: Pour us all some more tea, Eric!

Cartman begins to pour each of the guys another cup of tea. Each of the guys continues sipping his tea and taking small bites out of his crumpet. As they are doing so, the door suddenly opens. The woman enter holding several large shopping bags. They don't say a word, but begin looking at the guys. The guys do not notice their entrance.

Spanky: I say, are any of you planning to go to Lauren Fitzmuller's organ recital after church on Sunday?

Hero: Oh, gads, no! That Lauren Fitzmuller is such a catty old bore! I always have to pretend I left my kettle on the boil and dash out of there!

Wooldoor: Yes, yes. I'd much prefer to go to the flower show instead!

Xandir: Oh, the flower show! What a lovely idea!

They each sip their tea again. In the background we see Cartman pouring another cup. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot all turn and look at each other without saying a word. Finally, they pick up their bags and walk back outside, closing the door behind them.

Wooldoor: What was that? Did any of you hear anything? I could have sworn I heard a door open and close!

Xandir: I bet it was that nasty Lauren Fitzmuller!

Spanky: She probably knew we were talking about her and came by to eavesdrop on us!

Hero: Oh, she is so like that, isn't she?

Xandir: Would anyone like another crumpet?

Hero: Oh, I would! I would!

Spanky: I would also like another crumpet, Xandir!

Wooldoor: Seriously, you guys, what's a crumpet?

Xandir hands each of the guys another crumpet. As the camera pulls back, we can see Cartman pouring them another cup of tea. The scene fades.


THE END