DTBL episode 25: Will and Graceless

[Raymond-Raymond]

WILL AND GRACELESS

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to Xandir's bedroom, where we see him sitting at a computer with Spanky standing beside him.

Spanky: Okay, now go up to the text bar at the top. (Xandir does so.)

Xandir: Okay, Spanky, what next?

Spanky: Now type in "hot naked guys". (Xandir types.) And you should probably put quotes around it.

Xandir: You got it! By the way, Spanky, thanks for helping me set up my new computer!

Spanky: No problem. Now click that gray box on the side. (Xandir does so.)

Xandir: (disappointed) It's just giving me links to a bunch of websites.

Spanky: Yeah, what did you expect it to do?

Xandir: I'm sorry, Spanky. It's just that when you told me I could use my new computer to google hot naked guys, I... thought that meant something else.

Spanky: Forget about it. (He checks his watch.) So are you about ready to go see the movie?

Xandir: (typing) Just a minute, I'm trying something else.

Spanky: Xandir, you shouldn't press on the keys so hard. You're likely to break one!

Xandir: I'm trying to tell this stupid website I mean business! I want a hot naked guy and I want one now!

Spanky: Well... if you insist! (The shot focuses on Xandir intensely pressing keys. After a moment, he gets a perplexed look on his face. He turns around.)

Xandir: Hey, Spanky, did you- (He becomes alarmed.) Oh, my God!

The shot changes to Spanky. We see that he is completely nude.

Spanky: I got yet hot naked guy right here!

Xandir: Spanky, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Spanky: Come on, Xandir, you wanted nudity of the non-boobage variety! Here you go!

Xandir: Spanky, what makes you think I'd even be attracted to you?

Spanky: I've got a penis.

Xandir: Good point.

Spanky: Tell you what, if you're good, later on, I'll show you how to download porn. But for now, we REALLY need to be getting to the theater if we don't want to miss the movie! (He begins getting dressed again. Xandir turns back to the computer.)

Xandir: Sure thing, Spanky. Just give me a minute. I want to look up this one more thing!

Spanky: (frustrated) Xandir...

Xandir: Just a minute, Spanky! (He continues pressing the keys. Finally, he gets another confused look on his face and begins hitting the same key over and over.) Um, Spanky?

Spanky: What now?

Xandir: It's not working.

Spanky: What's not working?

Xandir: The period key. I can't get it to type anything when I press it.

Spanky: Didn't I tell you you were going to break one? Just come on, we'll fix it later.

Xandir: Just let me try to fix it real quick, I'm sure I can do it!

As Xandir continues playing around with the keyboard, the scene cuts to the hallway outside where we see Hero walk up to the bedroom. He knocks on the open door.

Hero: Hey, you guys about ready? Come on, Xandir, we're going to miss the movie!

The scene changes to the girls' bedroom where we see Foxxy, Toot, and Clara sitting on the beds chatting. Their door is open.

Xandir: (outside the room) Just leave me alone for a minute, okay? I'm having trouble with my period!

Clara looks at Foxxy and Toot.

Clara: See? I *told* you he got them!

Foxxy and Toot nod as if to say Clara was right.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Cut to the living room. All the housemates except Toot are gathered around Wooldoor, who is telling a story.

Wooldoor: And that's why I'm not allowed back in Mexico anymore!

Spanky: Well, personally, I think you got kind of a raw deal, but seriously... didn't you know you're not allowed to do that with a whore?

Hero: You're not? Hmm... that would explain why Margaret Thatcher won't return my phone calls...

Toot enters. She immediately becomes frustrated.

Toot: Aw, crap! Everyone's here! I was kind of hoping we'd have the living room to ourselves tonight!

Clara: Toot, if you and Marty want the living room tonight, we'd be glad to leave!

Wooldoor: Yeah, we certainly don't have any interest in sticking around and watching you two make out! (He turns to Spanky.) Do we?

Spanky: Toot, does Marty still have a penis?

Toot: (weirded out) Yes!

Spanky: (to Wooldoor) No.

Foxxy: Y'all can speak for yourselves, but the Foxxy's staying right where she is! Tonight's the WJWA Championship Finals, and she ain't missing that for nothing!

Clara: I'm sorry. WJWA?

Foxxy: World Jello Wrestling Association!

Hero: Tonight's the finals? I can't miss that! Sorry, Toot, Foxxy and I are staying right here on this couch tonight! (He turns to the group.) If anyone wants to watch it with us, you're more than welcome! Foxxy and I are probably also going to make out for a while. You guys are more than welcome to watch that too, if you'd like!

Spanky: Sorry, Hero, but there's still one too many penises involved in that particular makeout session to make it worth watching. (to Wooldoor) Right, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: The hell there is! (to Hero) I'll watch you and Foxxy make out, Captain Hero!

Hero: That's my boy!

Clara: (in disbelief) Do you people forget I live here?

Toot: Hey, guys, before we get all carried away watching each other make out and performing all sorts of deviant, depraved acts, remind me- is there anyone who lives in this house who's a total prude about things and might get all shocked and offended about it?

Spanky: I think so. Um, that princess chick- what was her name again?

Foxxy: Clara?

Spanky: Clara, yeah. She's kind of uptight. She might not like it if we do that kind of stuff.

Wooldoor: So what do you think we should do about it?

Spanky: I recommend we go tell her to... um... what was that thing we were going to tell her to do again?

Hero: Um... go screw herself.

Spanky: Right! We'll tell this Princess Sara-

Toot: Clara.

Spanky: Clara- to go screw herself. Agreed?

Foxxy: Agreed!

Clara: (slightly confused, looking down at Ling-Ling in her lap) Ling-Ling, they're all making fun of me!

Ling-Ling: That what Carla get for being prude! (Clara looks perplexed for a minute, then finally she, along with everyone else, bursts out laughing.)

Clara: Oh, you guys! You really like to give me a hard time, don't you?

Toot: It's how we show we care!

Clara: (wiping tears of laughter from her eyes) Oh, we are so going to end up on Maury Povich one of these days!

Hero: Great! Then we'll have a national television audience to watch us make out! (As they continue laughing, the doorbell rings. Toot jumps up.)

Toot: I'll get it! (She goes to the door and opens it. We do not see the person standing there, but a look of alarm crosses Toot's face.) What the hell? What are you doing here? I thought I told you if you ever showed your face around here again, I'd give you some of this!

Immediately Toot whips out an aerosol can and lets out a big spray. As the other housemates look on in confusion, we see Marty enter the door. His face is covered in cheese.

Marty: (wiping his face) Mmm, you were right, Toot! That IS a tasty brand of spray cheese!

Toot: I told you next time you came over I was gonna make you try it!

Marty: I don't really like eating cheese straight, though. Could you put some of it on a cracker for me?

Toot: Sure thing!

Toot immediately turns and sprays cheese all over Clara, who is too flummoxed to even react. Foxxy immediately claps her hands together and lets out a big laugh.

Foxxy: Oh, Toot, that was great! That was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life! Way to go! (Toot smiles in a self-satisfactory fashion.)

Clara: (still stunned) What the hell just happened here? Ling-Ling, could you help get this stuff off me? (He begins licking the cheese off her.) Ling-Ling... what are you doing?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling helping Carla get clean. Ling-Ling like cat, right? That how cats clean themselves!

Clara: Oh, okay. Go ahead, then, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling turns to the camera with a lascivious grin on his face. Then he resumes licking the cheese off Clara.)

Toot: (to Marty) I tried to get them to leave so we'd have the living room to ourselves, but no dice.

Marty: That's actually okay. Cause look what the magazine gave me! (He reaches into his coat and hands something to Toot. Immediately her face lights up.)

Toot: Ooh! You got tickets to the opening of the National Cheese Museum? Marty, I love you! (She hugs him passionately. The others turn toward them.)

Spanky: Ooh, la, la! Let the makeouts begin! (Toot lets Marty go.)

Toot: (to Spanky) You did that deliberately to ruin the mood, didn't you? (Spanky shrugs.)

Spanky: Hey, I'm just monitoring the makeouts here, making sure things don't go getting out of hand!

Marty: Well, thanks for keeping watch on that for us, Spanky. Or should I say, Mr. Makeout Monitor?

Spanky: You're very welcome, Marty. Or should I say, Short Stack?

Toot: (laughing) Short Stack? He's not made of pancakes, Spanky!

Spanky: I just call 'em like I see 'em!

Marty: Anyway... moving along... actually, the magazine gave me four tickets. Do you think two of your housemates would want to go?

Toot: I don't know. (She turns to them.) Any of you guys interested?

Foxxy: Toot, does you got hair in your ears? I said I ain't leavin' this couch!

Hero: Yeah, and I ain't neither!

Foxxy: (flatly, to Hero) Don't do that.

Wooldoor: And I'm going to watch Captain Hero make out with chicks!

Toot: Anyone else?

Spanky: Uh, gee, you guys... I suppose it would seem really hypocritical of me if I asked to go after needling you so much, wouldn't it?

Toot: Maybe a little. But it's okay, Spanky, we'll forgive you.

Spanky: Thanks. (They pause. Spanky does not respond further, but begins watching TV. Toot waits for him for a moment, growing slightly impatient.)

Toot: Well...?

Spanky: Well, what?

Toot: Never mind. (She turns to Clara.) Hey, Clara! How would you and Ling-Ling like to go with us?

Clara: Oh, I'm so sorry, Toot. Ling-Ling and I are going to be very busy doing something else tonight.

Toot: Doing what?

Clara: We haven't decided yet.

Toot: (to Marty) Do you believe this?

Marty: Yeah, are these really the same people who jumped at the chance to go to an ice show?

Toot: This is seriously messed up right here. (Xandir suddenly sticks his hand up.)

Xandir: Toot! Toot!

Toot: What is is, Xandir?

Xandir: You never asked ME if I wanted to go!

Marty: Oh, I'm sorry, Xandir, I didn't realize you were even IN this scene!

Toot: Yeah, Xandir, you haven't spoken one line of dialogue the whole time we've been in here!

Xandir: I'm sorry, I was just having one of my pensive moods.

Spanky: That means he was thinking about naked guys.

Toot: You really want to come, Xandir? Okay.

Xandir: Yayyy!

Marty: So what do you want to do about the fourth ticket?

Xandir: Ooh! Can I bring a date?

Toot: I guess so. I didn't know you were seeing anybody right now.

Xandir: I'm not. But I figured we could swing by Club Foot real quick and I'd pick someone up.

Toot: Sure, why not? (Toot shrugs. However, Marty is looking slightly troubled and confused. Toot turns to him.) Marty... you knew when you started dating me what you were getting into.

Marty: (lightening) I guess I did. Well, anyway, the opening's not for a couple more hours yet. You guys want to go have dinner first?

Toot: Sure! Where do you wanna go?

Xandir: (turns to Hero) Hey, Hero! What was that restaurant you took Clara to that one time?

Clara: That waiter doesn't work there anymore, Xandir.

Xandir: Poo. (He sits back down, defeated. Then he springs back up and addresses Clara again.) So do you know where he works now? (Clara rolls her eyes. The scene fades.)

Toot (in confessional): Before we went to dinner, we were going to stop at Club Foot real quick, but that fell through when we got there and Xandir realized he'd forgotten to put on his gay cowboy outfit before he left. But sure enough, Xandir found a boytoy on the way to the restaurant anyway!

Cut to the restaurant. The four are seated at a circular table. Marty is at the far left of the screen. Toot is to his left, Xandir is to Toot's left, and Xandir's date is to Xandir's left. Xandir's date is dressed in blue coveralls with a name tag on them, and a dirty work hat.

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! This is such a nice place, you guys! Thanks for taking me here!

Marty: Don't mention it.

Xandir: Don't you think it's nice, Alfredo?

Alfredo: Eh... is okay.

Marty: I've got to give you credit, Xandir. Most guys who need to come up with a date at the last minute have to resort to calling that old, old girlfriend they swore they'd never talk to again!

Toot: But YOU, on the other hand, find one when we stop for gas!

Xandir: It's a gift I have!

Alfredo: Xandir... how long we going to be here? I tell the station I go on 15 minute break.

Xandir: Don't worry, Alfredo, you'll just be a little late getting back.

Toot: You know, Xandir, in a way, I envy you. Before I met Marty, the only way I could get a guy to like me was to put out! (thinks a moment) Actually... not even putting out made them like me. (She thinks for another moment, then turns to Marty.) Why do you like me again?

Marty: Because apparently every other guy on earth lacks my ability to recognize a truly sexy woman when I see one!

Toot: Aww, thanks, Marty!

Xandir: But really, Toot, why are you feeling so sorry for yourself? I mean, you may have been lonely, but you DID manage to sleep your way through all the housemates! (Marty's eyes suddenly grow wide.)

Marty: (to Toot) You... you what?

Toot: That's not true, Marty! I didn't sleep my way through ALL the housemates!

Marty: Ohhhh, I see. So Xandir was just kidding.

Toot: Yeah. (Marty takes a drink.) Actually, it's all but one. (Marty does a spit take. His drink goes all over Alfredo.)

Alfredo: Hey, what the deal, man?

Xandir: (begins cleaning Alfredo off) It's okay, Alfredo. You're dating me tonight, you might as well go ahead and start getting used to having liquid squirted on your body!

Marty: (giving a creeped out look) Suddenly I understand how Clara feels around you guys. (He pauses a moment, then regroups.) So anyway, Toot. (He takes her hand and speaks to her gently.) Look, I don't care about your sexual history. Nothing in your past can make me love you any less.

Toot: Not even my arson conviction?

Marty: Not even your- (He looks puzzled for a moment, then regroups.) Anyway... whoever you've slept with in the past, that's fine with me. I just want you to be honest with me.

Toot: It's okay, Marty. I have nothing to hide from you.

Marty: So you've really slept with all but one of your housemates?

Toot: Yup!

Marty: Wow. Well, I may not be a rocket scientist, but I think I can figure out who the one is! (He looks at Xandir, then looks at Toot.)

Toot: You're right, Marty, it is pretty obvious. (Marty takes another drink.) It's Ling-Ling, of course! (Marty does another spit take. Again, his drink goes all over Alfredo. Alfredo reacts with mild annoyance again, but says nothing. Xandir immediately begins cleaning him up again.)

Marty: Really? Everyone but Ling-Ling?

Toot: That's right, everyone but Ling-Ling! Okay, technically, Clara and I didn't actually have SEX... but we WERE in bed together!

Marty: Yeah, I know that already.

Toot: And I guess that threeway I had with Foxxy and Spanky wasn't technically intercourse with her either, but again-

Marty: I know, close enough. So if you've slept with all of your housemates except Ling-Ling, that means-

Toot: Yes, Marty.

Marty: You nailed the gay guy?

Toot: I did!

Marty: Wow! Might I say, Toot, I am very impressed with you!

Toot: (beaming) You should be!

Marty: So what, was it before he came out?

Toot: No, it was well after!

Marty: Then how did-

Toot: I was so sexy and charming that for one brief shining moment, I made Xandir forget he was gay!

Marty: Really?

Toot: Nah, I was feeling in the dumps, so I guilt tripped Xandir into having sex with me.

Marty: Ah.

Xandir: I guess technically that makes me bisexual!

Toot: Xandir, trust me on this one. You are NOT bisexual!

Xandir: I know, I didn't believe it either. I was just talking out of my ass!

Toot: Is that why you never cover it up?

Xandir: My ass will not be silenced!

Marty: Okay, before Xandir starts doing the Braveheart speech with regard to his ass, I think we'd better move on.

Toot: Good idea! (They begin eating, but suddenly Marty stops and looks up.)

Marty: Hold on a minute. I just realized something else. If you've slept with everyone but Ling-Ling... that means you've also slept with Wooldoor!

Toot: That's right!

Xandir: (begins laughing) Wait a minute, Toot? You're serious? I was just kidding earlier. You actually slept with Wooldoor? (He begins chuckling to himself.)

Toot: Why is that so funny, Xandir?

Xandir: I don't know, it's just the idea of you and Wooldoor having sex with each other... that's funny to me!

Toot: Don't make fun of Wooldoor, okay, Xandir? He may be strange to look at, but he was a very good lover!

Xandir: Oh, come on! I've seen his body! (They all look at Xandir strangely.) Not on purpose! But I've seen it. And no offense, but... he couldn't have been THAT good! (A mildly irritated look crosses Toot's face.)

Toot: Okay. Well, he wasn't the BEST lover I've ever had...

Xandir: (still laughing) I didn't think so! (He continues laughing, then takes a drink.)

Toot: He was better than YOU, though! (Xandir immediately spits his drink all over Alfredo.)

Xandir: (cleaning Alfredo again) Oh, my God, Alfredo, I'm so sorry!

Alfredo: Hey, next time, people, how about we share stories before they serve the drinks, huh?

Xandir finishes cleaning Alfredo, then turns to Toot.

Xandir: Okay, look, Toot, all kidding aside. Is this true? Is Wooldoor really better in bed than I am? (Toot looks around for a moment pondering what to do. Then she finally speaks.)

Toot: All right, Xandir, you called my bluff. I was just kidding. I haven't REALLY slept with Wooldoor!

Xandir: (breathes a huge sigh of relief) Thank God! You had me worried there for a minute! (He takes another drink.)

Toot: But you STILL weren't that great! (Xandir does yet another spit take.) He immediately turns to Alfredo's spot to clean him off again, but Alfredo is now gone.)

Xandir: Alfredo? Where'd you go?

Alfredo: (voice) I'm here under the table! I not come out until you people finished spitting on Alfredo!

Xandir: Sorry, Alfredo, I promise it won't happen again! (He reaches under the table and pulls Alfredo back out. Alfredo resumes his seat. Xandir turns to Toot.) Okay, Toot. All kidding aside. Is this for real? You really considered the sex we had subpar?

Toot: I'm sorry, Xandir, I know you tried! But it just didn't do it for me! I don't know what else to tell you!

Xandir: This doesn't make sense! You sure seemed happy about it at the time!

Toot: Xandir, I had been lusting after you for two years! I was just thrilled that I finally made it happen! But once the hormones wore off and I came down from the high, I realized that what we had just wasn't that fulfilling. I'm sorry, Xandir.

Xandir: (visibly crushed) Wow. You know, that whole experience was a really miserable time for me. The one positive I took out of it was the satisfaction of knowing I was making you really happy. And now I find out I wasn't even doing THAT!

Toot: I know, Xandir. And I'm sorry.

Xandir: (sighs) Don't worry about it, Toot. I'll get over it.

Toot: Thanks.

They resume eating. After a moment, Marty leans toward Toot.

Marty: (whispering) Xandir still looks upset.

Toot: (whispering) He is.

Marty: (whispering) He's gonna have this bee in his bonnet the rest of the night, isn't he?

Toot: (whispering) Oh, yeah.

As Xandir continues to look upset, the group resumes eating. The scene fades.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Xandir (in confessional): I wasn't upset by what Toot had said. I mean, so what if she considered me a subpar lover? She wasn't so great herself! Not that I really have anything to compare it to... I mean, I guess as far as sex with a woman goes, it wasn't bad. I mean, it was bad, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean... (thinks for a moment) Where the hell was I going with this? Never mind. (faces camera again) How dare Toot tell me I was a bad lover! I've got a whole big long list of guys who could tell her otherwise! Unless... they're all lying to me. In that case-

Offstage voice: Oh, just break down and start crying already! We all know that's where this whole bit is heading!

Xandir (in confessional): Okay! (He buries his face in his hands and begins sobbing uncontrollably.)

The scene changes to the living room. It is the following day. Xandir, Toot, Clara, and Ling-Ling are sitting on the couch watching TV.

Announcer: (on TV) And we now return you to... Bukkake Chef! With special guest star, Rachael Ray!

Rachael: (on TV) Welcome back, everybody! We are cooking up something REALLY good today! Now if you don't have a lot of time, you can make some nice bukkake dishes real quick. I'll tell you, though, if you want it done right, bukkake is tough to make by yourself. It always helps to have some good men in the kitchen with you to help you!

Clara and Ling-Ling: (looking at each other) Now I see why you hate this show!

Rachael: (on TV) Okay, my friend Bobby Flay just gave me some of his special sauce... let's try it! (She puts a spoonful in her mouth. She gets a huge smile on her face.) Mmmmmm! (She puts the spoon down. On her lip there is now a white streak resembling a milk mustache.) Now that's some good bukkake!

Toot: (distraught) Rachael! Dear God... what the hell happened? You were my idol! How could you have sunk to this?

Xandir: Personally, I like her better now!

Toot: (glaring at Xandir) You would!

Xandir: I want to be a guest on that show! No, wait, I take that back! I want to be a JUDGE on that show!

Clara: A judge? You mean, one of the people who eats the dishes she makes and then critiques them?

Xandir: That's right!

Clara: Well, that officially exceeds my grossness threshold! I'm out of here! (She gets up and starts upstairs.)

Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling pretty disgusted too. He come with Carla. (He gets up and follows Clara upstairs. Xandir and Toot watch him go. They then turn and look at each other.)

Toot: You ever notice how hilarious it is when Ling-Ling walks?

Xandir: I know! It's like he's a little duck waddling around!

Toot: You think he'd get mad if I started calling him Quackers?

Xandir: Probably.

Toot: Yeah, you're probably right. (They pause for a moment.)

Xandir: Are you still gonna do it?

Toot: Of course!

Xandir: That's our Toot!

Toot: Yup!

Xandir: I mean it, you are one hilarious lady! And you're really sweet and charming too... I can see why Marty likes you.

Toot: Thanks, Xandir!

Xandir: I mean, if I was INTO women, you would totally be the kind of woman I'd want to go out with!

Toot: Xandir, is this about what happened last night?

Xandir: Maybe.

Toot: What, you think if you pay me a bunch of compliments, it'll make me start thinking that the sex was better between us?

Xandir: Don't be silly, Toot, of course not!

Toot: Good.

Xandir: I'm not upset about it at all.

Toot: Excellent.

Xandir: I don't care if you liked it or not.

Toot: Sounds good.

Xandir: I'm not even going to ask why you didn't like it.

Toot: Works for me.

Xandir: I mean, sure, every other person I've slept with in the world thought I was just "the bomb", so why should I let it get under my skin that one little person thinks I wasn't great?

Toot: You shouldn't.

Xandir: And I won't.

Toot: Good.

There is another extended pause.

Xandir: So...

Toot: So... what?

Xandir: I'm not going to ASK you why the sex wasn't good.

Toot: And I appreciate that.

Xandir: Of course...

Toot: Of course what?

Xandir: If you wanted to tell me anyway, I wouldn't complain.

Toot: Nah, that's okay.

Xandir: Okay. Good deal.

They continue watching TV for a moment. Finally, Xandir speaks up again.

Xandir: Oh, goddammit, Toot!

Toot: What?

Xandir: Can you not take a hint? Just tell me what it was, all right?

Toot: What what was?

Xandir: What was wrong with the sex between us!

Toot: Xandir, there was nothing WRONG with it.

Xandir: There wasn't?

Toot: No!

Xandir: (somewhat relieved) Good.

Toot: It just wasn't to my liking. (Xandir immediately gets worked up again.)

Xandir: What? Are you kidding? How can you say that, Toot? I'm great in bed! I just know I am!

Toot: Xandir, why do you even care about this? I'm not exactly your target audience! It doesn't matter what I think!

Xandir: I know, Toot! I know I shouldn't care about this at all! But somehow, the thought I failed to please someone in bed just won't stop eating me up inside!

Toot (in confessional): I was torn. For two years I chased after Xandir and he laughed in my face. Now the tables were turned! I wasn't sure whether I should be mature about it and let him off the hook or whether I should take advantage of the opportunity and have some fun with him. As usual, the irrational choice won out!

Xandir: Please, Toot, you've got to tell me what it was! What did I do wrong?

Toot: You want to know what you did wrong? All right, Xandir. I'll tell you. (He is listening eagerly.) Xandir, did you ever consider that maybe you're just not as good as you think you are?

Xandir: I'm not? But... how that can be?

Toot: You know, like how I used to tell myself I was thin when I really wasn't? Or how Ling-Ling used to tell people he spoke good English when he really didn't? Or how Captain Hero used to tell people he didn't have syphilis when he-

Xandir: Okay, Toot, I get the point! But you're overlooking something very important!

Toot: What is it?

Xandir: It's not just ME we're talking about here! I mean, consider all the guys I've slept with! THEY all think I'm great, too!

Toot: If you say so.

Xandir: What do you mean, "If I say so"? Are you saying that all the tons and TONS of guys I've slept with... are you saying they've all been lying to me?

Toot: No... not lying, per se...

Xandir: But they're not exactly being truthful with me? Is that what you're saying?

Toot: Xandir, you admit that you're really, really sensitive, right?

Xandir: Yeah, I guess so.

Toot: Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be less than truthful with someone because you knew that the truth would really hurt their feelings?

Xandir: So you're saying that all the guys I've ever slept with said that the sex was good when it wasn't just because they were afraid of hurting my feelings?

Toot: It's a theory!

Xandir: I'm sorry, Toot, but I find that very hard to believe.

Toot: Suit yourself. (She gets up and starts to walk upstairs. However, she stops right before she gets to the stairs.) Oh, Xandir, let me ask you one more thing.

Xandir: Sure, Toot, what is it?

Toot: This new boyfriend of yours... Alfredo, was it? Have you had sex with him yet?

Xandir: (blushing) Toot... we've only known each other for one day!

Toot: (thinks a moment) Um, yeah. My question still stands.

Xandir: All right, Toot, to be honest, the answer is no. Alfredo and I haven't had sex together yet. Believe it or not, I don't ALWAYS put out on the first date!

Toot: So what was the problem? That time of the month again? (She giggles.)

Xandir: That's not funny, Toot!

Toot: You're right, Xandir, I should have known that wasn't it. Being on your period never stopped you having sex before! (She giggles again. Xandir stands there looking mildly irritated. Finally, Toot stops.) Okay, Xandir, I'm sorry, I'll stop making fun of you now.

Xandir: Thanks, Toot.

Toot: So you and Alfredo haven't slept together yet?

Xandir: No, Toot, we haven't.

Toot: Okay. Well, um... whenever you decide to do that... just try not to think about what we talked about here today. Okay?

Xandir: What do you mean?

Toot: (coyly) I mean, when you're lying in bed next to each other, cuddling in the afterglow, and he tells you how wonderful the sex was... there's no reason for you to disbelieve him! No reason at all!

Toot puts her hand on Xandir's shoulder and grins at him. Then she suddenly lets go.

Toot: (cheerfully) Toodles! (She turns and begins walking up the stairs. When she is partway up, Xandir suddenly calls to her.)

Xandir: I want another shot!

Toot: (turns, surprised) What?

Xandir: You heard me! I want another shot at it!

Toot: (walking back down the stairs) Xandir, are you crazy?

Xandir: I'll prove to you how good I am! Just give me a chance to redeem myself!

Toot: Let me see if I have this straight. You, Xandir, are asking me, Toot, to have sex with you. Not just asking... BEGGING! Is that right?

Xandir: Yes!

Toot: Goddammit, why couldn't I have gotten this offer back when I was still in love with you? I would have KILLED for you to say those words to me back then!

Xandir: Better late than never!

Toot: Xandir, that's not even close to being accurate. But never mind.

Xandir: So what do you say? Can we do it? Come on, I had sex with YOU once to make you feel better. Now's your chance to return the favor! Come on, all I'm asking for is one little mercy screw, that's all!

Toot: Xandir, even if I wanted to, I can't. I have a boyfriend now! I'm not going to cheat on him just to salvage YOUR ego!

Xandir: If Marty says it's okay, will you do it?

Toot: Why would he ever say that?

Xandir: (holds out a cell phone) Just call him, okay? Tell him what the situation is and see what he says.

Toot: I'm not going to ask my boyfriend if I can sleep with another guy, gay or not!

Xandir: Then make a joke out of it. Tell him I asked you, and what an idiot I am, and you guys can have a big laugh at my expense, and you'll have a great story to tell for the rest of your life about how this gay man-whore once propositioned you on this TV reality show!

Toot: (sighs) All right, fine, I'll talk to Marty. (She takes the phone from Xandir and dials Marty's number.) Hey, Marty? Um... something just happened here that I think you'll find extremely humorous.

Toot (in confessional): So... I told Marty about the conversation that Xandir and I had, and about how Xandir had begged me to sleep with him. I told Marty that I was obviously going to turn Xandir down cold, but then he suggested to me something else I could do that would be much, MUCH more fun! (She smiles evilly again.)

Cut back to Toot and Xandir. Toot hangs up the phone.

Xandir: So? What'd he say?

Toot: Xandir... (She puts her hands on his shoulders again.) Let's do it!

Xandir: (taken aback) What?

Toot: You heard me! Let's go have sex!

Xandir: Really? Are you sure?

Toot: You wanted a chance to prove yourself! Looks like you're going to get that chance!

Xandir: Wait a minute, are you serious? Marty really told you it was okay to sleep with me?

Toot: Well... he said if he HAD to share me with somebody, it might as well be someone that I had no hope of ever having a serious relationship with!

Xandir: Yeah, but still-

Toot: And he said that after I had sex with YOU, that would make the next time I have sex with HIM seem so much better in comparison that it would make our relationship together even stronger!

Xandir: I'm pretty sure that's not what Dr. Phil would say.

Dr. Phil (in confessional): Xandir's problem is that he's just isn't prepared to GET REAL!

Toot: So anyway- it's just going to be a one-time thing, and Marty gave his blessing. So are you ready to salvage your reptutation?

Xandir: Oh, gee, Toot, I don't know...

Toot: Suit yourself! (She turns and resumes walking back upstairs. Again, Xandir calls to her.)

Xandir: All right, Toot, I'll do it!

Toot: You will?

Xandir: You've got a deal! We'll have sex and then go our separate ways and never ever talk about it ever again!

Toot: Like you do with most of your boyfriends.

Xandir: (defensive) No! Not ALL of them!

Toot: It doesn't matter. Tell you what, I'm going to go on upstairs now. Why don't you just meet me in my bedroom in a few minutes and we'll have the sex, okay?

Xandir: You got it! (Toot smiles again, and then finally goes upstairs.)

Xandir (in confessional): I knew that now I was really in for it. While I was determined to prove to myself that I was good in bed, I was really worried about having to have sex with Toot again. I knew that this time, she'd be expecting a lot more than she was before, and she'd be critiquing every little thing I did! (He pauses for a moment, then turns and faces the camera with an angry look in his eyes.) Sound familiar... CRAIG?

Cut to the guys' bedroom. Xandir is alone and pacing nervously.

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! I can't believe I'm going to have sex with Toot... AGAIN! Okay, I know what I'll do. I'll just pretend she's someone else! I'll pretend she's a man! That won't be hard to do... I mean, she DOES have a penis! No, wait, no she doesn't, that was just a dream I had. Hmm... maybe I could IMAGINE she has a penis... like I had to do that time I had sex with Carrot Top!

Cut to the girls' bedroom. Clara and Foxxy are sitting on Foxxy's bed while Toot, wearing only a robe, sits on her own bed.

Foxxy: (looking at the clock) Well... looks like it's almost zero hour! You excited?

Toot: I am, I so totally am! I am SO going to pay Xandir back for all the times he mistreated me!

Clara: Well, normally, I wouldn't condone something so sleazy and vindictive, but since it's XANDIR you'll be doing it to... way to go!

Toot smiles. There is a knock on the door.

Xandir: (outside the door) Toot? It's me, Xandir! Are you ready?

Toot: Ready! (She giggles. Foxxy and Clara both get up.)

Foxxy: Well... I guess it's time to Clara and me to be getting out of your hair so you can have some fun with Xandir!

Clara: (to Foxxy) Time for Clara and *I* to be getting out of your hair.

Foxxy: Like I said, Toot, it's time for me to get out of your hair and Clara to come down with multiple personality disorder or something and start talking about herself like she's a separate person!

Toot: Yeah... cause the Foxxy don't ever do that!

Foxxy: Damn right she doesn't! Now come on, Clara! (Foxxy and Clara walk out the door. Xandir steps in.)

Toot: You ready to rock my world, Xandir?

Xandir: (nervously) I guess so! (He looks at Toot.) Oh, you took your stockings off! That's great!

Toot: Yeah?

Xandir: Yeah, your hairy legs will make it so much easier for me to pretend you're a man!

Toot: Really?

Xandir: (He puts his hand on Toot's leg.) Yeah, with your- (Suddenly he becomes worried.) Wait a minute... your legs aren't hairy! You shaved them, didn't you?

Toot: I always shave my legs, Xandir! It's just been a long time since you've looked at them!

Xandir: Crap, there goes my ace in the hole! Now I don't have any choice but to accept you as... (a look of mild disgust crosses his face) a woman!

Toot: You see there? I *am* feminine after all!

Xandir: You sure are!

Toot: So are you ready to skip the parry and thrust and get straight to the loving?

Xandir: I thought the parry and thrust WAS the loving!

Toot: No, Xandir, those are not slang terms for sexual intercourse- suggestive as they sound.

Xandir: Oh. Okay, then.

Toot: So are you ready?

Xandir: (still nervously) As ready as I'll ever be!

Toot: Good! Then let's begin!

Toot takes off her robe. She is now completely nude. Xandir removes his garments as well. As Toot lies on the bed posing seductively, Xandir stands there staring at her.

Toot: Well? Are you gonna get this show on the road or not?

Xandir: (thinking to himself) Okay, Xandir, you've got to get an erection right now! Just pretend she's someone else. Pretend she's someone you're insanely attracted to. Pretend she's someone who the second you think about them, Xandir Jr. just immediately goes... BOING! Ah, I've got it!

Xandir jumps on Toot.

Toot: Oh, Xandir!

Xandir: Oh, Paris Hilton's completely fictitious yet amazingly hot twin brother!

Toot: That do it for you?

Xandir: Oh, yes, Toot, yes! I feel like I could have sex with ANYBODY now!

Toot: Great! (She immediately pushes Xandir away.) Then get the hell off me! (She gets up off the bed and puts her robe back on.)

Xandir: What the... what did you do that for?

Toot: Xandir, don't you get it? This whole thing was payback!

Xandir: Payback?

Toot: Yes! Xandir, I was going to let you off the hook, but then my mind went back to all the times you made fun of me and insulted me, so I decided I'd teach you a lesson by getting you all worked up and making you suffer for a while!

Xandir: So this whole thing... you were just doing it to mess with me?

Toot: Yes, Xandir. This whole time... all I've been doing is just messing with you.

Xandir: So you really didn't mean it when you said I was bad in bed? (He relaxes.) Whew, that's a relief!

Toot: No, actually, Xandir, I *did* mean that. The sex between us really wasn't that good. I'm talking about all the mind games I played on you afterward. THAT stuff I didn't mean.

Xandir: So we're back to where we started. (He sits on the bed with his back to Toot and sighs in despair.) So you really didn't think the sex was that good.

Toot: No, Xandir, it wasn't good, but... (She kneels on the bed and puts her hands on his shoulders from behind.) Honestly... under the circumstances, it would have been ridiculous for us to have EXPECTED it to be good!

Xandir: What do you mean?

Toot: Xandir, the fact that our time together wasn't the best had nothing to do with your ability as a sex partner. It was because neither of us really had our hearts in it. I mean, you're gay. Obviously you're not going to perform as well with a woman as you would with a man. She just doesn't inspire the kind of feelings in you that it takes to make sex really work!

Xandir: I guess that makes sense.

Toot: And whether you're gay or not, it wouldn't matter because we don't really love each other. You see, Xandir, that night I realized that sex without love is meaningless. I mean, sex is nice, but you've got to have love if you really want to enjoy it. That's what makes sex so magical. It's not the physical act... it's the bond that forms between a man and a woman... (Xandir turns and looks at her) or another man. And unless there's love involved, that bond will never be what it could be... or should be.

Xandir: So you're saying that the only reason our sex wasn't good was because we didn't love each other?

Toot: Yes, Xandir, exactly. And that's why I stopped chasing after you after that night. I realized that you could never love me the way I wanted to be loved. And that killed any desire I ever had for you right there.

Xandir: I guess you're right. Thanks for being honest with me, Toot. That really means a lot to me.

Toot: Don't mention it. And Xandir? I'm really sorry I put you through all this. I was upset about how you'd been mean to me in the past, but I guess I just forgot about all the times you were really nice to me, too... like having sex with me that time just to keep my feelings from being hurt.

Xandir: Aw, don't worry about it, Toot. And I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of nothing.

Toot: It's okay. (She looks at Xandir.) So... we friends again?

Xandir: We never stopped being friends! (They hug.)

Toot: Thanks, Xandir!

Xandir: Thank you, Toot! (They let go. Toot gets off the bed.)

Toot: Well, I think I'm gonna go watch TV for a while. I had Foxxy tape the rest of that Rachael Ray episode of Bukkake Chef.

Xandir: Really? I thought it disgusted you that Rachael Ray was on that show!

Toot: Oh, it does! It completely sickens me to no end!

Xandir: And you're still going to watch it?

Toot: Xandir, Rachael's my idol! Now what kind of fan would I be if I didn't stand by her in her darkest hour?

Xandir: (smiling) Good point.

Toot: You wanna come watch it with me?

Xandir: Nah, that's okay. I kinda got something else to think about right now.

Toot: What's that?

Xandir: You remember how you were telling me about how sex without love is meaningless?

Toot: Yeah.

Xandir: Well, Alfredo's coming over later, and what you said made me realize that I don't really love him.

Toot: Oh, I'm sorry. So are you going to break it off with him?

Xandir: No, I'm still going to sleep with him.

Toot: (in disbelief) But Xandir... that special bond I was telling you about!

Xandir: Yeah, um, to be honest, Toot, women care a lot more about that crap than men do. With us, it's pretty much all about the physical act.

Toot: Wow... so even gay men can be chauvinist pigs!

Xandir: Yup!

Toot: Well, I'm gonna go watch TV now. I hope you and Alfredo have fun together!

Xandir: Oh, believe me, Toot, we will!

Toot smiles at Xandir, then steps outside the door. She closes it gently behind her, then rolls her eyes.

Toot: God... how in the hell did I ever have feelings for him? (She shudders. After a moment, she regroups, then heads down the hall out of camera shot.)


THE END