DTBL episode 26: Queen of the Castle

[Raymond-Raymond]

QUEEN OF THE CASTLE

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the kitchen where we see all the housemates except Clara and Ling-Ling sitting at the table eating breakfast. There are several boxes of cereal on the table, one in front of each housemate. Spanky suddenly looks up from the bowl of cereal he is eating.

Spanky: So... who DID let the dogs out? Was that ever established?

Toot: They never did say.

Hero: You'd think they'd have figured that out by now.

Foxxy: You'd think.

As everyone else resumes their breakfast, Wooldoor begins to pour himself another bowl of cereal. Suddenly he begins shouting excitedly.

Wooldoor: Oh! Oh! Guys, guys, guys! Look what I got! (He holds up an object that can't quite be identified.) I got the prize inside the box of cereal! (Foxxy and Toot cast questioning glances at each other.) Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I wonder if you have to wind it up first!

Toot and Foxxy continue to look at each other. Toot begins imploring Foxxy with her eyes. Foxxy resists, but finally gives in and turns to Wooldoor.

Foxxy: Um, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: What is it, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Wooldoor, that was a box of shredded wheat. Those don't COME with prizes inside!

Wooldoor: (confused) They don't? (The housemates shake their heads.) Then what did I- (He opens up his hand and looks at the object he is holding. He screams and jumps back.) Oh, my God! (He turns to Spanky angrily.) Spanky, did you do this?

Spanky: Let's see... (He looks at Hero.) What's today? Thursday? (He turns back to Wooldoor.) No, I didn't touch the shredded wheat today. Today it was the All-Bran. Whatever you found in the shredded wheat, Wooldoor, must have crawled in there on its own.

Wooldoor: Oh... okay, then! (He puts the object in his pocket and resumes eating his shredded wheat.) So what'd you do to the All-Bran today, Spanky?

Spanky: I'll tell you as soon as Xandir's finished eating it!

The camera pans over to a suddenly alarmed-looking Xandir. We see that his bowl is completely empty, and he is holding the box of All-Bran, which by the sound we can tell is completely empty as well. Xandir looks at Spanky for a moment. Spanky looks back at Xandir with nonchalance. Xandir looks down at his bowl for a moment, then looks up. Suddenly he springs from his seat and rushes out of the room.

Xandir: Oh my God, there'd better not be anybody in the bathroom right now!

He exits. Foxxy turns to Spanky.

Foxxy: So, Spanky, what DID you do to the All-Bran?

Spanky: Actually, I didn't do anything to the All-Bran. I was just trying to mess with Xandir. (Toot turns to Spanky.)

Toot: Spanky, Xandir looked positively ill! Like he was gonna throw up! (Spanky raises his eyebrows. A huge smile crosses Toot's face.) Nice! (Spanky smiles and nods.)

Finally, Clara enters the kitchen, still in her nightclothes.

Clara: Hey, everyone!

Spanky: Hey, Clara.

Clara: So does anyone know what the deal with Xandir is?

Toot: Yeah, Spanky played a joke on him and made him think he ate tainted cereal.

Clara: No, I didn't mean today, I just meant in general. Does anyone know?

Toot: You got me!

Clara walks over to the cupboard and opens the door.

Clara: So I guess we're doing cereal today, huh? Nobody felt like cooking?

Foxxy: Nah, we could cook, we're just out of bacon. And sausage. And ham. And-

Spanky: You know, Foxxy, there ARE breakfast dishes that don't involve the use of pork products!

Toot: Oh, lighten up, Spanky!

Foxxy: Yeah, Spanky! It's not like Toot throws a fit every time we eat beef!

Toot: That's right, Foxxy, I- (suddenly realizes) Hey, wait a minute! (Clara begins laughing.) What are you laughing at, anyway? Come on, it wasn't THAT funny! (Clara continues laughing.) I mean, I've been compared to a cow, like, what? Thirty or forty times since this show premiered? Don't you think the whole bit's getting kind of stale by now?

Clara: (still laughing) I'm not laughing at you, Toot! It's Ling-Ling!

Toot: Ling-Ling? What's he got to do with anything?

Clara: (continuing to laugh) Oh, he's just licking my toes right now! (The housemates begin to look at the floor where Clara is standing.) If I didn't know better, I'd swear a certain husband of mine was feeling a little frisky this morning! (laughs again) Just let me get my breakfast first, Ling-Ling, then you can go back to your fun! (The housemates continue to look at Clara's feet, but their expressions are very serious.) Ling-Ling, stop! We'll have some more fun later! I'm really hungry right now! (At this point, we see Ling-Ling enter the kitchen. He stands behind Clara. As she continues, he and the other housemates shift their glances from each other to Clara. She continues smiling and laughing, completely oblivious.) Boy, Ling-Ling, it's a good thing for you I told you I was okay with this, otherwise, you'd have had to find some other outlet for your-

Suddenly, a sound is heard. Clara stops laughing and turns around. We see that Ling-Ling has accidentally stepped on a discarded candy wrapper. Clara stares at him in the doorway for a moment. Without looking down, she then turns and looks at the housemates. They look at her but say nothing. She turns around and looks at Ling-Ling again. She begins to get worried. Dreadfully she turns and finally looks down at her feet. After a moment, she gasps and nearly jumps out of her skin. She begins to shudder, almost cowering in fear.

Clara: Oh, my God! (She continues to shudder.) Oh, my God! That thing was- oh, my God! (She darts out of the room. The other housemates look at each other again. Wooldoor gets up.)

Wooldoor: (walking over to cupboard) Well... I guess she found Whiskers!

As Wooldoor looks down at the baseboard, the others resume eating their cereal.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene changes to the living room. The housemates are standing talking to an exterminator.

Exterminator: Which adds up to... nine rats. And those are just the ones I was able to see.

Foxxy: And how many were you keeping as pets, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Seven.

Clara: Which leaves at least two rats that are here as unwelcome visitors!

Exterminator: Anyway, the upshot of it is that you guys have a rat problem.

Toot: So what do you want us to do, set out a bunch of traps?

Wooldoor: I think we should adopt them all! Then they won't be unwelcome!

Clara: I'd sooner adopt Britney Spears!

Toot: Whoa! Gratuitous Britney slam out of nowhere!

Clara: Yes, and?

Toot: (smiling) Nice!

Exterminator: No, you're not gonna take care of a problem this big with a bunch of traps. I'm afraid if you wanna get rid of the rats, we're gonna have to fog the whole place.

Hero: You're going to fill the house with poison gas? Won't that be dangerous?

Foxxy and Clara look at each other.

Clara: You want to take this one?

Foxxy: You do it, I'm too tired.

Clara turns to Hero.

Clara: Captain Hero... we're not actually going to STAY in the house!

Hero: We're not?

Toot: Of course not, rat food for brains! We'll have to stay someplace else for a few days!

Wooldoor: It'll be just like we're going on vacation! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Xandir: But where will we go?

Spanky: Don't worry, you guys. I'll just call the producer and have him put us up in a hotel.

Spanky walks over to the phone, picks it up, and dials it.

Spanky: Hello? Mr. Jew Producer? (There is a slight pause.) There's an exterminator here and he says we have a rat problem. (There is another short pause.) Yeah, he says they're going to have to fumigate the place and we'll need to stay someplace else for a few days. So if it's not too much trouble, we'll need you to put us up in a hotel somewhere. (There is another short pause.) I see. All right, thanks, I'll tell them. (He hangs up the phone.) Bad news, guys. Um... the producer says that since it's our own fault we have a rat problem, it's not his responsibility to pay for a hotel.

Toot: What the hell is he talking about? How is it our fault?

Spanky: He says we're leaving food out and not cleaning up after ourselves and that's what's attracting the rats.

Ling-Ling: That impossible! Ling-Ling always make sure place sparkling clean! And food never get left out because land whale always eat it all first!

Spanky: Yeah, he said he was aware of that, but he says the problem's still our fault somehow. He also said that one of us spilled a drink in the closet and never cleaned it up, and that led to a bacteria problem and possible health issues, and so if the health department drops by for a spot inspection anytime soon, they're probably going to slap him with a huge fine, and if they do, he's going to take it out of our budget. And he also told us that if we think we can get what we want out of him by sending Xandir over to pleasure him, that won't work anymore because he finally figured out that Xandir's a guy and while that doesn't make the experience any less pleasurable, he'd prefer not to continue it all the same because he doesn't really swing that way, though he does find Xandir attractive in a very girly kind of way. He also told me to tell you guys that sweeps is coming up again, so he'd appreciate it if we'd bump up the nudity a bit and maybe have some hot-looking women over so they can be nude too. Xandir, you're welcome to join in on the fun, but you need to strap on some fake boobs and cover up your ass. And Clara, he likes the fact that you're varying your wardrobe more now, but he told me to tell you to, "quit screwing around and just show everyone your boobs already". And Captain Hero, you forgot to clean his pool on Saturday like you were supposed to, so that crate of Jack Daniel's he gave you as payment- he's gonna need that back. And Foxxy- he just told me to tell you he likes your boobs.

Foxxy: Well, how nice of him!

Toot: Wow, Spanky, he said all that in a ten-second phone call?

Spanky: Oh, yeah, Toot, and he told me to tell YOU that he knew you were going to make some kind of smartass remark about how could anyone possibly cram that much information into such a short time span, so he just wanted me to let you know that... he thinks you're fat. (Toot reacts with mild indignance.) So anyway... I guess we're going to have to live in a house filled with poison gas for a while!

Toot: Ewww! What if the radiation starts doing weird things with our bodies and turns us all into mutants or something?

Hero: Hey! Maybe it'll give us all super powers! (Clara and Foxxy look at each other again.)

Clara: (to Foxxy) Your turn.

Foxxy: (frustrated, walks up to Hero) Captain Hero... (sighs) you ALREADY have super powers!

Hero: Oh, yeah!

Clara: Look, guys, nobody's going to have to spend a week in a house filled with poison gas! We can all stay at my castle!

Wooldoor: So we don't get to be mutants? (disappointed) Awwwwww!

Toot: Are you sure it'll be okay with your father, Clara?

Clara: It'll be fine! Besides, he's away on business right now, so we'll have the place all to ourselves!

Hero: Well, why didn't you say so before?

Clara: I pretty much said so at my first opportunity.

Foxxy: Sounds good to me, then!

Spanky: Let's go!

They all start to leave. However, at the last moment, Toot stops them.

Toot: Wait! (They all stop.) Clara, before we all start packing... does your castle have a confessional?

Clara: Yes.

Toot: Okay! Let's go! (They exit. Cut to Clara in the castle confessional.)

Clara (in confessional): So anyway, this is the confessional. We each get to keep our same background and color theme, only it'll have kind of a medieval flavor to it. You know, cause it's a castle and all. So what do you think? (We see the rest of the housemates cautiously step in view of the camera. There is a sense of general wonder amongst the group.)

Toot: Ooh... neato!

Wooldoor: Wow! This is great!

Spanky: My girlfriend has cerebral palsy! (Suddenly everyone turns and looks at Spanky in surprise.) What, I've said that like, five times on the show already! You telling me this is the first time you've actually heard it?

Clara: (ignoring Spanky) Anyway, if you'll all follow me, I'll show you the rest of the place.

They all file out except Hero. Hero looks around for a moment, then sits down in the chair.

Hero (in confessional): I was excited getting to see Clara's castle. But a part of me wondered if I could tear down these walls with my bare hands if I had to!

Clara: (from offscreen) Hey, Hero, can you get your butt out here so we can finish the tour? You can have you little soliloquies later!

Hero (in confessional): Coming, Clara!

Hero exits the confessional and rejoins the tour.

Clara: (pointing to some paintings on the wall) And these are my family portraits.

Wooldoor: Wow!

Spanky: So how many of them died of syphilis?

Clara: What?

Spanky: Come on, Clara, it's statistical fact that in the Middle Ages, over a third of the population of Europe died of syphilis. And since your country seems to be permanently stuck in that era, probability dictates that at least one of the old codgers on this wall here died of syphilis. (He suddenly points at a picture of a bearded man.) I bet it was that guy! Hmm? Hmm? Am I right?

Clara: Spanky, that's my father.

Spanky: Well, I guess that screws my theory all to hell. You know, given that your father is such a fine, moral citizen who would never do anything that could possibly expose him to any type of venereal disease. (He looks at Clara.) So, Clara- your dad still go to the "ballet" a lot?

Clara: Yes. Why do you ask?

Spanky: No reason.

Clara: (continuing the tour) Anyway... (She gestures toward a room on the right.) And over here we have the kitchen!

Toot: (perking up) Did you say the kitchen?

Clara: No, Toot, I said the outhouse.

Toot: (looking in the room) It looks like the kitchen to me!

Clara: Nothing gets by you, does it?

Toot: Well, guys, this is where I get off! I'll see you chumps later! (She dashes into the kitchen and begins looking at everything she sees in wide-eyed wonder.) Oh, my God! (She holds up a large kitchen knife.) It's one of those old-timey food processors! And over here- (She runs to another part of the room and throws open a Dutch oven.) It's an old-timey microwave! Hmm, I wonder what's in those cabinets over there! (She rushes to the cabinets and flings them open. Her eyes grow wide with amazement.) I don't believe it! It's... it's... the most glorious thing I've ever seen! (The camera cuts to an interior view of the cabinets. We see that they are stuffed to the gills with large nondescript boxes simply labelled "Cheese".) It's like the mothership has called me home at last!

Clara: Toot? Oh, Toot? Could we finish the tour first?

Toot does not hear her. While munching on a huge block of cheese she holds with one hand, she is chopping up more cheese and tossing it in the Dutch oven with her other hand.

Toot: Ooh! I wonder where they keep the spices!

Spanky: We should probably move on, Clara. I think Toot's gonna be a while.

Clara: Good idea. Let's move on! (They continue the tour.)

Hero: Hey, that's not fair! You wouldn't stop for me when *I* got distracted!

Clara: Yeah, but you're easier to dominate than Toot.

Hero: Hey, I resent that!

Clara: Shut up, Hero!

Hero: (subserviently) Yes, ma'am.

Clara: Okay, guys, I'm going to try to avoid seeming like a flight attendant or a game show model while I'm doing this, but... (She holds out her hands and gestures toward an alcove on the left.) And over here, in the alcove, we have these lovely suits of armor. Apparently guys used to put them on and fight in them.

Hero: Men used to be such wimps! Real men don't need armor for protection!

Xandir: (rushing up to one of the suits excitedly) Ooh, these things are so cool! I wish I had one of these to use to go on my quests!

Clara: (to Foxxy) Does he even still go on quests?

Foxxy: Only the booty-related kind. (She walks up to Xandir.) Xandir, I'm sure if you ask her real nice, Clara would be glad to let you borrow one of these to go questing with.

Xandir: (excited) Really, Clara? That's so cool!

Foxxy: Of course, you realize that if you wear one of these around everywhere, it'll be impossible to walk around with yo' ass always hanging out.

Xandir: (not excited anymore) Oh. Never mind, then.

Clara: Now then, if we're all ready to move on, we'll continue the tour.

They turn around and begin walking away, but as they do so, they hear a sound coming from behind them.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Clara sighs and turns back around as the group follows suit. We see that Wooldoor is now wearing one of the suits of armor and holding a sword pretending to be a knight.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee! This is fun! (swings his sword) And there's your other leg chopped off, Black Knight!

Xandir: Awwwww... now I wanna play again! Hey, Wooldoor, I'll fight you! (Xandir turns around and runs back to the suits of armor.)

Clara: Xandir, I thought we were going to finish the tour! (By this time, Xandir is wearing the other suit of armor and is now engaging Wooldoor in a sword fight. Clara sighs in exasperation.) Oh, never mind!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Xandir: En garde! Parry and thrust and all that rot!

Wooldoor: I'm gonna stick my blade right in your ass, Xandir!

Xandir: Okay, but let's finish playing knights first!

Foxxy: How the hell does Wooldoor even fit in that suit, anyway? It's gotta be at least two feet too tall for him!

Clara: And where the hell did he get a sword from? (As Xandir and Wooldoor continue to play, Clara sighs again and turns to the group.) Okay, you guys, I guess I might as well go ahead and stop the tour since no one else seems to want to pay attention to me.

Spanky: I'm sorry, Clara, did you say something?

Clara: I'm going to take Ling-Ling and go get settled into my old bedroom. You guys can finish exploring the castle on your own.

Foxxy: Ooh! I know just where I wants to go! I wanna see how many different rooms in the castle I can make love in! (She pulls out a notebook and begins writing in it.) Okay, gotta make me a checklist first. Hey, Clara, there any rooms we haven't seen yet?

Clara: There's a floor plan in the foyer. I can get you a photocopy of it if you want.

Foxxy: Wow, thanks, Clara! Come on, Hero, let's go! (She turns to find Hero is not there.) Captain Hero?

She looks back. We see that Hero is now wearing a suit of armor and is playing with Xandir and Wooldoor.

Hero: Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Foxxy: Captain Hero, you get your ass out of that suit and- (suddenly stops and thinks) Clara, there ain't room for two in that suit, is there?

Clara: You'll never know unless you try, will you?

Foxxy: Good idea! Thanks, Clara! (She rushes off to join Hero.)

Clara: Foxxy, I was being sarcastic! (She gives an exasperated reaction.) Oh, never mind! (Clara watches Foxxy trying to stop Hero and climb inside his suit with him. However, Wooldoor and Xandir, attempting to incorporate Foxxy into their play, keep trying to capture her.) And where the hell did he get that other suit of armor from? There were only two in the alcove! You know what? I'm not even going to try anymore. (She turns to Spanky, who is now the only one left besides Ling-Ling.) So, Spanky. Is there anything in particular you want to see? And don't say, (imitating Spanky) "You mean, besides your boobs?"

Spanky: Dude, what the hell? You steppin' on my lines now? That is NOT cool!

Clara: Is there anything in the CASTLE you want to see?

Spanky: Well, technically, YOU'RE in the castle, and since your boobs are part of you-

Clara: (trying to be patient) Spanky, you know what I meant. Is there any room in the castle you want me to show you?

Spanky: Now that you mention it, there IS something I'd like to see.

Clara: What's that?

Spanky: Where does your dad keep his porn?

Clara: His porn? Don't be silly, Spanky! My father doesn't have any pornography!

Spanky looks at Clara in disbelief for a moment. He starts to say something, then stops. Finally, he speaks.

Spanky: You know what? I'll just find it on my own. (He walks away. Clara and Ling-Ling are now left standing alone. Clara turns to him.)

Clara: Well, Ling-Ling, it appears our tour has come to an abrupt end.

Ling-Ling: (slightly disappointed) This mean Carla not going to show Ling-Ling rest of castle?

Clara: Why, of course I'll show you the rest of the castle, Ling-Ling! What do you want to see first?

Ling-Ling: (grinning) Ling-Ling want to see bedroom first. (Clara looks at Ling-Ling strangely for a moment, then begins laughing.)

Clara: (rubbing Ling-Ling's head) You men are all alike!

Ling-Ling nods. Clara picks him up and the two walk off.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Toot (in confessional): Forget Disneyland! Clara's kitchen was the happiest, most magical place on earth! I was having so much fun in there- I didn't know why Clara ever wanted to leave this place!

Cut to Clara in her own confessional.

Clara (in confessional): Yeah, it couldn't have had anything to do with my father or the oppressive environment I was raised in at all, could it?

Cut back to Toot.

Toot (in confessional): But I wasn't just using the kitchen for my own amusement. As a show of thanks for all they'd done for me, I had decided to prepare a fabulous feast for all my housemates! I might even let them eat some of it, too!

Cut to Toot in the kitchen. She is standing in front of a table lined with huge plates filled with all kinds of complex yet delicious-looking dishes.

Toot: Oh my God, this is so friggin' cool! If I didn't know better, I'd swear that I was about to have an orgasm! Or have I had one already? When I get around such yummy food, I tend to lose focus. (regroups) Okay, back to dinner. (She surveys the dishes.) Wow, they all look so good! But somehow they could be better... oh, I know what they need! (She rushes to one of the cabinets and pulls out a huge Tupperware container. She begins pouring it on all the food. We see that the container has a label reading "Chocolate sauce".) Now I can have my very own meatloaf ice cream banana split pineapple upside down Rocky Road cookie dough sundae!

Cut to Wooldoor and Xandir playing. They have discarded the suits of armor and are now playing with other weapons. Xandir has a flail while Wooldoor has a morning star. The two face off against each other, dancing around in a circle while trying to swing their weapons at each other.

Wooldoor: En garde! (He swings and misses.)

Xandir: Ha! Missed me! Now it's my turn! (He swings at Wooldoor and misses.)

Wooldoor: Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!

Xandir shrugs, then puts his weapon down. He moves in and grabs Wooldoor and bends him back as if to kiss him.

Wooldoor: (flatly) Xandir, it's just an expression.

Xandir: Oh. Right. (He lets go and picks up his weapon again.) So whose turn is it?

Wooldoor: I forget.

Xandir: Then in that case... (His face lights up.) Free-for-all!

Each begins swinging his weapon at the other at will. Finally, Wooldoor begins panting heavily, obviously tired. He backs up.

Wooldoor: (composing himself) All right, bitch, now it's time for you to-

Before Wooldoor can complete his statement, Xandir swings his flail. One of the spikes goes right through Wooldoor's forehead. Xandir looks at Wooldoor in terror but says nothing. There is an extended pause. Finally Wooldoor breaks the silence.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! That was fun! (He pulls the flail out of his forehead.) Let's go again!

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling in the bedroom. Clara is getting dressed.

Ling-Ling: Well?

Clara: Ling-Ling, I think I can safely say that this is the first time that sex has EVER been had in this room before. (She thinks.) Unless Foxxy and Hero got here before we did. And there's also my father to consider. And come to think of it, we also had that gardener for a while who I suspected might have been sexually active. Well- it's the first time that it's happened involving ME.

Ling-Ling: So what you want to do now?

Clara: Oh, I don't know, Ling-Ling. I was kind of thinking I might like to just stay here for a while. You know, I didn't always have the happiest of childhoods in this place. This room was the one place I could go where I could get away from all the pressures of being a princess and just be myself.

Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling know what you mean. Besides, he sure Carla much happier being in here by herself than being outside while housemates trash rest of castle.

Clara suddenly becomes worried. Groaning in frustration, she reluctantly gets up.

Clara: Come on, Ling-Ling, we better go see what they're up to. I've got a feeling my father will be really angry if he tries to come back to the castle and it's not here anymore!

We see Toot still playing in the kitchen. She now has several frying pans on the stove frying a number of things simultaneously. She begins picking up several of the pans in sequence and flipping their contents from pan to pan in the manner of a juggler. Then she puts the pans down and pulls something humongous out of the stove.

Toot: (annoyed) Dammit, how can it not be done yet? Oh, well, as long as I've got it out, I might as well go ahead and add some more stuffing! (With a knife, she makes a cut in the surface of the meat, then gets a huge bucket labelled "Miscellaneous food crap" and dumps the contents into the meat.) Oh, wait! I can put some more cheese in it too!

She goes back to the cabinet and pulls out another box of cheese and tears it open. In each hand, she grabs as big a chunk of cheese as she can hold, then walks back over toward the meat. The camera then pans to show Clara and Ling-Ling standing in the doorway looking at her.

Clara: (to Ling-Ling) I don't think Toot needs our help with anything.

Ling-Ling: Yeah, land whale seem to be managing on her own.

Clara: Let's go see what the guys are doing.

They walk off. The camera cuts back to Toot. She is standing in front of the table looking at all the dishes.

Toot: (satisfied) There! I think I've come up with a meal that my housemates are truly going to find a magical experience! (suddenly thinks) Oh, wait! I forgot Xandir's a vegetarian! Hmm... I'd better come up with something for HIM to eat, too! Oh, I know! (She pulls out an empty plate and sets it on the table. She then reaches into a large salad bowl and grabs a small handful of lettuce, which she then throws on the plats.) There! Dinner for everybody!

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling walking through the hallway. They come upon Xandir and Wooldoor playing. Each has several prominent wounds. Wooldoor is missing a leg.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I'm gonna get you again!

Xandir: Oh, no, you won't! (Wooldoor swings at Xandir and misses. Clara stares in complete astonishment.) See? Now you're really going to be in for it!

He grabs a spear off the wall and hurls it at Wooldoor. Wooldoor tucks his head into his neck like a turtle going into its shell. The spear passes over him and goes straight for Clara's neck. Before it can hit her, however, Ling-Ling jumps up and grabs it out of the way. As his battle song plays, Ling-Ling fires the spear back at Xandir. It pierces him right in the heart. Xandir collapses on his back.

Xandir: Ow.

Ling-Ling: That teach you to attack Ling-Ling's woman with medieval weapon of mass destruction!

Wooldoor: Awww! We were just having fun!

Clara: Well, that's enough, you guys! Didn't anyone tell you those weapons are not toys? Someone could get seriously- (She suddenly sees something over in the corner.) Is that Wooldoor's leg?

Xandir: (getting up) Hey, Clara. (He pulls the spear out of his chest.) What's going on?

Clara: What's going on? I'm trying to keep you guys from turning this castle into rubble, that's what's going on!

Wooldoor: Don't be silly, Clara! We'd never turn the castle into rubble!

Xandir: Not until we find the dynamite, at least!

Clara: Can't you guys find some way of playing that doesn't involve gross bodily harm or destruction of property?

Wooldoor: Well, there's always sex, I guess.

Xandir: Not the way I do it!

Clara: Oh, wait, I know how I can get you two to behave! (She walks over to a closet and gets out a box. She opens the box and pulls out some glittery balls. She holds one up in each hand.) Look, you guys! Bright shiny objects! (Both Xandir and Wooldoor are completely transfixed.)

Wooldoor: Oooooh!

Xandir: They're so shiny!

Clara hands each of them a ball. As Xandir and Wooldoor stand looking at their hands, completely engrossed in the balls they are holding, Clara sets the box down at their feet and walks away.

Clara: (as she and Ling-Ling are walking away) That ought to keep them out of trouble for a while.

Ling-Ling: Carla... question. Why does castle have box filled with shiny glitter balls in it?

Clara: That box has been there for a long time, Ling-Ling. We always kept it around for when Bleh would come over to visit. (Ling-Ling nods.) So anyway... I'm really dreading this next part, but... I think we'd better go see what Foxxy and Hero are up to. God only knows what kind of kinky adventures THOSE two must be having!

Clara (in confessional): And so...

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling walking down a dark corridor. Judging by the lack of light and the chains on the walls (some of which contain skeletons), they are obviously in the basement. As they walk down the corridor, some sounds become audible. As the sounds grow steadily louder, we begin to hear metallic grinding noises followed by several high-pitched screams. With their faces full of dread, they walk on down the hall before they come to a large fearsome-looking door at the end of the corridor. They stop for a moment. It becomes apparent that the sounds are coming from the room in front of them. We hear a noise that sounds like a chainsaw starting up. There is then a cutting sound followed by an ungodly scream.

Clara: (frustrated) Crap. They found the dungeon!

Clara cautiously opens the door and peers inside. The room is filled with all kinds of gruesome-looking torture devices. We see Hero chained to a rack. He is completely naked. Foxxy stands over him clutching a battle axe plunged deep into his stomach.

Hero: Now, Foxxy! Time to eviscerate me!

Foxxy nods and grabs a pair of hot tongs off the wall. She begins to walk over to Hero. Clara and Ling-Ling look at each other. Clara covers her face in exasperation.

Clara: I didn't even know my castle HAD half this stuff!

Just as Foxxy is about to pull out Hero's insides, she hears Clara behind her.

Foxxy: (turning, cheerfully) Hello, Clara! What have you been doing?

Clara: Nothing that involves physical pain of any sort... which seems to make me unique amongst this group. Seriously- what's WRONG with you people?

Hero: We're just having fun, Clara!

Foxxy: Yeah, Clara! Don't be so vanilla!

Clara: Well, if I'm vanilla... then you guys are triple decker devil's food double dark Rocky Road chocolate fudge covered in chocolate sauce! Or whatever the crap that was I saw Toot putting on what I can only assume to be dinner...

Foxxy: (taking Clara aside) You know, Clara, if this worries you, Captain Hero and I can just go back to having sex the regular way.

Clara: Would you? Would you please?

Foxxy: Sure, Clara. For you, we'd be glad to!

Clara: Thanks, Foxxy.

Foxxy: (turns around) Come on, Captain Hero, I guess it's time for us to be staking out another part of the castle and having good old-fashioned vanilla sex with just the basic bondage gear! (She suddenly gets a confused look on her face.) Captain Hero?

We see that Captain Hero is gone.

Foxxy: Now how the hell did he get out of them restraints?

Clara: How the hell did we not see him on his way out? (Foxxy shakes her head.) So where do you think he went?

Cut to Hero now playing with Xandir and Wooldoor. With a flail in each hand, Hero is swinging wildly at both Wooldoor and Xandir, who each jump out of the way and proceed to attack Hero with their weapons. Wooldoor now has both legs intact again.

Hero: Wheeeeeeeee! This is fun! (He swings at Wooldoor again, who jumps out of the way.) I'm gonna get you, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: Oh, no, you're not! (He begins to run away. Hero chases him. Xandir jumps on Hero from behind.)

Xandir: I've got you now, Captain Hero!

Hero: Oh, no, you don't, Xandir! (Hero grabs a spear off the wall and stabs Xandir from behind. Xandir collapses to the ground again.)

Xandir: Ow.

Wooldoor: (taunting Hero) Nya nya nya nya boo boo, Hero can't catch me!

Hero: Wanna bet?

Hero continues running around the room chasing Wooldoor. As they run, Hero swings his flail at Wooldoor, who jumps out of the way each time. Clara and Foxxy enter the scene and stand watching them. The two women look at each other.

Foxxy: Well... boys will be boys, I guess.

Hero swings his flail at Wooldoor one more time in an uppercut fashion. He catches Wooldoor square in the crotch. Wooldoor falls to the ground next to Xandir.

Wooldoor: Ow. Ow, ow.

Hero: (triumphantly) Well, that ought to show the two of YOU who's boss! (kneels over them) You guys feel like going again?

Both Wooldoor and Xandir immediately spring up off the floor in an excited fashion.

Wooldoor: Ooh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Xandir: I'll kick your ass this time, Hero!

Hero: That's what YOU think!

Not saying a word, Clara turns and walks away with Ling-Ling as Foxxy stays behind watching the commotion.

Clara: (to Ling-Ling, walking away) I will say this about them, though. At least they're helping the castle live up to its name as a bloody, gruesome place of battle!

Ling-Ling nods. They continue walking.

Clara: Oh, look, Ling-Ling! Here's the throne room! I can't believe I haven't shown you guys this yet! Come on, I'll show you where my father sits when he's being all kingish and stuff!

They enter the throne room. Immediately Clara's face goes white. She puts her hands to her face and gasps.

Clara: Oh, my God! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING???

The camera cuts to the throne. We see that Spanky is sitting in the throne reading magazines. On his head he wears a jewelled crown.

Spanky: Hey, Clara! What's up?

Clara: Spanky Ham, how dare you sit in my father's throne while he's not here!

Spanky: Well, I can't exactly sit in it while he's here, can I? Unless... no, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be into that.

Clara: You're not supposed to be in the throne at all! (She sees his head.) And where the hell did you get that crown from, anyway?

Spanky: I found it on the mantlepiece inside some glass cabinet!

Clara: Spanky, you had no right to do that! You were supposed to leave that where it was!

Spanky: Oh, what's the big deal, Clara? I'll put it back when I'm done with it! Your dad will never know I even touched his spare crown!

Clara: Spanky... that's not my father's spare crown.

Spanky: It isn't?

Clara: No!

Spanky: Then... whose is it?

Clara: Spanky... that's my MOTHER'S crown!

Spanky: (gulps) Your mother?

Clara: Yes.

Spanky: Your dead mother?

Clara: Yes. (Spanky is embarrassed, but says nothing. Clara turns away, almost in shock.) I can't believe this, Spanky! You took my dead mother's crown out of its case and put it on your filthy pig head like you and Wooldoor just went to Burger King! (Clara continues, almost in tears.) How could you do this, Spanky? How could you desecrate my mother's memory like this? Is nothing sacred to you?

Spanky: I'm sorry, Clara. I didn't know this was your mother's crown! I'm- I'm sorry.

Clara: Well... at least you didn't take her robe! Or her jewels!

Just at that moment, we hear a squeal of delight coming from the next room. Xandir bounds into the room wearing the aforementioned robe and jewels.

Xandir: Wheeeeeeeee! Look at me! Now I'm a pretty, pretty princess!

Spanky: You were one of those already, Xandir!

Clara looks at Ling-Ling. She is starting to hyperventilate.

Clara: Ling-Ling... I think it's time. Go get me my sack dress!

Xandir: Aww, Clara, we were just playing around! (to Spanky) What's her problem?

Spanky: Apparently we're not supposed to touch her dead mother's stuff!

Xandir: So it's supposed to just sit around not being used? What's the fun in that? Look at it this way, Clara! By playing with her stuff, we're paying homage to your dead mother!

Clara: Xandir, explain to me how wrapping my mother's robe around your mangina-loving ass and proclaiming yourself to be a pretty, pretty princess is paying homage to her!

Xandir: Well... she was a princess once! And I'm sure she was pretty! So therefore-

Clara: Oh, just cram it, Xandir!

Xandir: (to Spanky) Geez, what crawled up her ass and died?

Clara: What is wrong with you people, anyway? (As Clara continues ranting, the others, with the exception of Toot, enter and stand behind her. Hero and Foxxy are each wearing the other's clothes, and Wooldoor has a mace lodged in the back of his head.) I thought it would be fun to bring you all here to my castle so I could show you the place where I grew up and maybe give you a feel for the world I lived in before I came to the Drawn Together house! But apparently you all seem to think this is just some big amusement park! Or maybe you think it's like the ball pit at Burger King!

Spanky (in confessional): That's two references we've made to Burger King in the last two minutes. Are they sponsoring this show now?

Clara: Anyway, you guys, all I'm trying to say is that if you want to cut loose and have a little fun, that's fine. But could you please try to respect the dignity of the place a little? That's all I'm asking.

Wooldoor: Awww! We're sorry, Clara!

Xandir: Can you ever forgive us?

Clara: Well... I guess you guys didn't mean any real harm. Okay, I forgive you.

Hero: Yaayyyy!

Clara: But seriously, you guys, could you try to play more peacefully? And maybe try to have a little more respect for the historical artifacts in the place?

Xandir: You got it, Clara.

Clara: Thanks, you guys. That means a lot to me.

Wooldoor: You're welcome, Clara!

Clara: Well... I'm going to go see what Toot's up to in the kitchen. While I'm doing that, could you guys put my mother's stuff back where you found it?

Spanky: You bet, Clara!

Clara: Thanks. I'll catch up with you guys later!

She and Ling-Ling turn and walk away. After they've gone, Xandir lunges at Spanky and tries to grab the crown off his head.

Xandir: Well, Spanky? You heard Clara! Give me the crown so I can put it back where it belongs!

Spanky: Yeah, right, Xandir! We all know you're just going to put it on your head!

Xandir: I know! That's where it belongs!

Spanky: Well, tough luck, Xandir! In fact... since I seem to be sitting here on the throne wearing this crown, I guess that makes me your ruler! Now if you'd all kindly get out of my sight so I can get back to reviewing these important political documents! (He sits back in the throne and grabs a porn magazine.)

Xandir: No way, Spanky, that's not fair!

Wooldoor: Awwwww! I wanna be king!

Hero: Step aside, you guys! If anyone around here is going to be king, it's going to be me! (He pushes Wooldoor and Xandir aside. He then grabs the crown off Spanky's head, then grabs Spanky off the throne and throws him across the room. Hero then puts the crown on his own head and sits down on the throne.) Yaayyyy! Now I'm the king! (Spanky gets up and charges the throne again. He tries to pull the crown off Hero's head, but is unable to do so because of his small stature.) Oh, no, you don't, Spanky! I'm still the king!

Wooldoor: Can I be king after you?

Xandir: I wanna be king too, you guys!

Spanky: Xandir, how can you be king? You're already the queen!

The guys all continue to scramble for the crown and a seat on the throne. Foxxy looks at the scene and shakes her head.

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling walking toward the kitchen.

Clara: In retrospect, I wonder if it might have been a bad idea to give all the servants the day off. Maybe they'd be able to keep the others in line.

Ling-Ling: That group? Carla keep dreaming!

Clara: (smiling) Maybe you're right, Ling-Ling!

They arrive at the kitchen. Clara peers inside.

Clara: (looking at the state of the kitchen) Oh, my God! What the hell happened in here? It's like all the food climbed out of the cupboards and had a drunken orgy! (She looks at Ling-Ling.) I did use that word correctly this time, right?

Ling-Ling nods. Clara stands staring for a moment in disbelief. A large brown mass comes into view. After a moment, Clara finally realizes that the mass is Toot covered head to toe in chocolate sauce.

Toot: Dinner's ready!

Clara smiles and nods.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 3

Toot (in confessional): So anyway, we all had the most delicious dinner of our lives, and then after Xandir was finished throwing up because I forgot to tell him that the salad had meat in it, we decided to go back to our rooms and rest for a while. (She thinks for a moment.) Actually, Foxxy and Hero probably had sex in the coat closet, but... you know what I meant.

The scene changes to later that night. The castle is completely dark, and for once, it is silent. As the camera pans down a hallway, we see a door open very gently. At the bottom of the door, two bare feet emerge. We see them walk down the hallway. The scene changes to the throne room. We see that the figure is Clara, wearing her nightclothes. She enters the room and looks around.

Clara: Oh! I don't believe those guys!

The camera cuts to the throne. We see Clara's mother's crown and robe lying discarded on the floor.

Clara: (walking over to throne) I thought I told those guys to put that stuff back where they got it!

She picks up the crown and robe and starts to walk off with it. However, she stops for a moment. She looks all around the walls of the throne room, then looks down at the items she is holding. She begins to walk back toward the throne. Without changing her expression, she puts on the robe and sets the crown atop her head. She then sits down on the throne, lost in thought. After a moment, Ling-Ling enters.

Ling-Ling: Carla?

Clara: Oh, hello, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Where Carla go? Why she not in bed with Ling-Ling?

Clara: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. I just felt like going for a walk and I didn't want to wake you up.

Ling-Ling: (sees that Clara is wearing her mother's things) Hold on second. What Carla doing wearing mother's things after telling others not to mess with them? Carla turning into hypocrite all of a sudden?

Clara: All of a sudden? Not by a long shot!

Ling-Ling: And why Carla sitting on throne? She pretending she queen?

Clara: Well... kind of. (Ling-Ling looks at her questioningly. Clara picks him up and sets him on her lap.)

Ling-Ling: Is there something going on Carla not telling Ling-Ling about?

Clara: Ling-Ling... I actually came in here to do some thinking. There have been some things on my mind ever since I came back here, I just haven't had a peaceful moment to myself to think about them until now.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry. He not mean to intrude.

Clara: It's okay, Ling-Ling. I don't mind.

Ling-Ling: What Carla thinking about?

Clara: Well... me, for one. (She looks around.) And this place. Until I came back here today, I had almost forgotten I was a princess. (There is a pause. Ling-Ling looks at her but says nothing.) And now it's all right here in front of me again. My background... my whole life.

Ling-Ling: So what Carla worried about? Nothing wrong with Carla's past.

Clara: It isn't just my past, Ling-Ling! (She gets up and begins looking around.) I may live in the Drawn Together house now, but... this is also my present. I'm still my father's daughter, Ling-Ling. And he's still the king. And what never really hit me until today... is that barring some catastrophic event of some sort... it's also my future. (She turns around and faces Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, I left here and moved into the Drawn Together house because I was depressed. I felt sheltered and closed off from the rest of the world. You guys have given me a life! (She sits back down beside Ling-Ling.) And Ling-Ling... you've given me something I was never ever going to have if I had never left here. Ling-Ling... when I got married to you, in my mind, I completely cast my old life aside and started planning my future with you. You know, I figured one day we'd leave the Drawn Together house and move into our own place in the suburbs where we could raise our kids... maybe help our housemates get houses in the same neighborhood so we could still hang out together. But Ling-Ling... as much as I enjoy my new life with you... this place is still a part of me. I may not technically live here anymore, but it's still a part of me. And it always will be. (She stands up and begins walking around again.) If something were to happen to my father, Ling-Ling... I'd become the queen. I'd have to come back here and take the throne, and it would all be over. My life in the suburbs... continuing to hang out with the housemates every night... my life with you... gone.

Ling-Ling: What Carla talking about? He can't promise stuff about suburbs and housemates would still happen, but life with Ling-Ling not change! He stay with Carla whether she queen, princess, or just some filthy whore! (Clara laughs.) Ling-Ling knew whore line would get you! (Her mood somewhat lightened, Clara walks over and sits down beside Ling-Ling again.) Seriously, Carla, don't worry. If Carla want life in the suburbs living next door to former housemates, Ling-Ling make it happen somehow. He not care whether Carla queen or not!

Clara pats Ling-Ling on the head, then picks him up and hugs him.

Clara: Thanks, Ling-Ling. I don't know what I'd do without you. (She puts him down.) Or rather- I *do* know what I'd do without you... but I'd rather not think about that possibility. (Ling-Ling nods.)

Ling-Ling: Carla going to be okay?

Clara: Yeah, Ling-Ling. I'll be fine. (She gets up again, then turns and faces Ling-Ling.) I don't know exactly what I'm going to do about my future... but I know as long as you're there... well... things won't be TOO bad. (Clara starts to walk away.)

Ling-Ling: So where Carla going now?

Clara: Well, now that my mind's relatively at ease again, I think I'm going to take my mother's things back to where they belong and then head on to bed. You going to join me?

Ling-Ling: You bet!

Clara walks back toward Ling-Ling and bends down. He hops into her arms. Holding him, she walks out of the throne room and back down the hallway. As they are walking, Ling-Ling turns to Clara.

Ling-Ling: Carla... question. (They stop.)

Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: When Carla talk about future together, she mention kids again. Does this mean that Carla...?

He looks at her questioningly. She looks back at him with a mixture of curiosity and amusement. She laughs and pats him on the head.

Clara: (smiling) We'll talk about it.

They resume walking. Ling-Ling smiles as if achieving a minor triumph.

Clara: You know, Ling-Ling, there isn't a single sound coming from anywhere else in the castle tonight. To be honest, I'm a bit surprised. Does this mean the others have finally settled down?

Cut to the lawn outside. There is a massive booze party taking place. All of the other housemates, along with several other people from the kingdom, are in various states of drunkenness. We see a banner strung across two tentpoles reading "Castle Kegger '07". The mood is wild and chaotic. Everyone is chugging as much alcohol as they can. Wooldoor and Xandir are dancing naked in the middle of the lawn. Spanky and Toot are tossing back entire barrels of booze and cramming as much food into their mouths as they can. Hero and Foxxy are rolling around in a giant vat of cheese making out with each other. Holding a shishkebob in each hand, Toot rushes over to the vat and jumps in with them. Spanky follows, screaming all the way. Hero rips the clothes right off his body, and with a mighty frat boy scream, raises his arms up toward the heavens. He and Foxxy then hop out of the vat. We see that Xandir, still naked, has jumped into the vat with Spanky, and both are now cavorting around. Hero and Foxxy see that Toot is no longer there. They look around and see Toot off to the side, now making out with Wooldoor.

Toot: Wait, Wooldoor! Stop! Don't you know it's not nice to take advantage of a girl when she's completely drunk off her ass?

Wooldoor: I thought YOU were taking advantage of ME!

Toot: Oh! Which one is which again? Oh, never mind! (She grabs Wooldoor and begins kissing him again. After a moment, she pulls back.) Is this wrong? Is there a reason I shouldn't be doing this?

Wooldoor: You mean besides the fact you have a boyfriend? Not really! But that's okay. You can pretend I'm Marty!

Toot: Pretend you're Marty? (Wooldoor nods, barely coherent.) I thought you WERE Marty!

Wooldoor: Maybe I am! I forget!

Toot: Oh, well!

She kisses Wooldoor again, then suddenly shoves him to the ground. She turns toward the crowd.

Toot: Hey, everyone! I think we've all reached our maximum level of intoxication, so you know what that means it's time for! (Hero lets out another loud cheer.) That's right! A group... (she stumbles over the words) singalong! Okay, everybody now! (She begins singing loudly and incredibly off-key and waves for the group to join her.) Some people waaaaaaaaaait a lifetime-

Everyone: For a MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMENT LIKE THIS!!!

As the group continues singing, the scene fades.

Clara (in confessional): So anyway, the exterminator finally called us and told it was safe to move back into the Drawn Together house. I was happy to be getting back myself, but the others didn't seem to want to leave.

Cut to a scene outside the castle. All the housemates except Wooldoor are standing with their luggage. Everyone except Clara and Ling-Ling is sulking.

Clara: Oh, come on, you guys, don't be upset! We're getting to go back home now! Where we belong!

Toot: If you say so, Clara!

Hero: That castle RULES!

Clara: Well, I'm sorry, you guys, but the carriage will be here to pick us up any minute, and besides, my father's getting back today, so even if we wanted to stay, we couldn't. Well... you guys couldn't.

Spanky: I guess.

A carriage comes into view.

Clara: All right, guys, it's time to go home now! Is everyone ready? Wait- where's Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: (from inside the castle) I'm coming, Clara! Hey, can someone give me a hand with this?

Clara runs to the castle entrance.

Clara: Wooldoor J. Sockbat, you may NOT take that home with you!

Wooldoor: Aw, come on, Clara!

Wooldoor steps outside the doorway holding something on a leash. As he continues walking out, we see that on the other end of the leash is a giant camel.

Wooldoor: We can adopt him! He can be our new pet!

Clara: Wooldoor, that camel belongs to my father! It's part of the royal circus! I couldn't take him back to the house with us if I wanted to! (Wooldoor looks at her, imploring her.) Which I don't! (Wooldoor turns back around.)

Wooldoor: Fine. I'll take him back inside. (He begins leading the camel back inside the castle.) Come on, Whiskers. I guess I'd better put you back where I found you.

Clara turns back around to the housemates. The carriage pulls up and stops.

Clara: All right, everyone, time to go! Let's all get our luggage loaded and get out of here!

Everyone loads their luggage onto the carriage's luggage rack. Wooldoor returns and loads his luggage along with everyone else's. Finally, the job appears to be finished.

Foxxy: All right, Clara. We's done. Y'all can be headin' home now!

Clara: Great! Then let's go! (Everyone gets inside the carriage. Clara suddenly stops for a moment.) Wait! Before we leave- is everyone sure they got everything? (Everyone nods and gives general words of assent.) You're sure? You're all absolutely positive none of you have left anything behind?

Spanky: We're positive, Clara!

Toot: Yeah!

Clara: Okay, then! Driver- take me home!

The carriage pulls away. We follow it down the road for a moment before it finally passes out of view. However, the scene does not fade. The shot lingers on the road for a moment before the camera finally pans back to the castle. We go inside the castle walls, all the way to one of the bedrooms. Lying on the bed is an extremely impatient-looking (and lingerie-clad) Denise. Beside her on the bed lies a firefighter's uniform complete with helmet. A pair of boots sits on the floor.

Denise: (calling out) Spanky! Oh, Spanky! Are you gonna get your ass back in here or not? Come on, you paid for my services, now let's have some fun, okay? Spanky? Goddammit, Spanky, why did you go and drag me out of that warehouse fire if you weren't actually going to DO anything?

Exasperated, Denise collapses back on the bed. As she continues to fume, the scene finally fades to black.


THE END