Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jul 14, 2007 21:31:20 GMT -5
LUDACHRIST
Part 1
The show opens on a black screen. Immediately the logo for the show Maury fades in. The logo dissolves to a shot of Maury Povich in front of a studio audience.
Maury: Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Maury. Today we'll be finding out who the father of someone's baby is! I mean- what else do we ever do on here? But anyway, let's meet our next guest.
The scene changes to the stage, where we see Toot sitting holding a baby in her arms.
Maury: This is Toot Braunstein. She lives in a house with a bunch of other cartoon characters on a reality show of some kind. Toot, why don't you tell us your story?
Toot: Well, Maury, I was going through a very difficult period in my life. I was lonely and depressed, and my housemates weren't being very supportive. Usually I would try to drown my sorrows in food and alcohol, but we were all out. I wasn't feeling up to driving all the way to the store, so I decided to drown myself in the hot tub.
Maury: The hot tub, you say?
Toot: Yes, the hot tub. You got hair in your ears or something?
Maury: I'm sorry, please continue.
Toot: Anyway, while I sat in the hot tub trying to end it all, my housemate Clara came out to talk to me.
Maury: And Clara talked you out of committing suicide?
Toot: I guess, if that's the way you want to look at it.
Maury: What did Clara say to you?
Toot: Oh, she gave me some religious crap about how life is beautiful and suicide is never the answer, blah blah blah. To be honest, I didn't buy any of it, but I realized that if I still killed myself after all that, I'd never hear the end of it from her, and she wouldn't stop giving me grief about it for the rest of my life!
Maury: And then what happened?
Toot: Anyway, I climbed out of the hot tub and hosed myself off, then went about my business. And poof, two weeks later I found out I was pregnant!
Maury: And you're sure it was the hot tub?
Toot: It had to be! It was the only opportunity for it to happen! Actually... I did bang this gay guy a few days after that. But I'm pretty sure it was the hot tub.
Maury: So you think that somehow, while you were in the hot tub... someone's seed found its way into your body?
Toot: Yes. You see, the men I live with really like to-
Maury: Yes, I think we know. But tell me, Toot. Wouldn't the superheated water in the hot tub kill off any sperm that might still be lingering in there?
Toot: What, are you Geraldo Rivera or something? Who cares?
Maury: Sorry. Please continue.
Toot: Anyway, I knew it had to be one of the guys in the house, but none of them would admit to it. That's why I came on your show today, Maury. I want to know who my baby daddy is.
Maury: That's very convenient! That just happens to be the topic of today's show!
Toot: That's the topic of pretty much every show you do, Maury.
Maury: Yes. Well... anyway... Toot, we gave all the men in your house paternity tests, and today, I'm pleased to announce, we WILL find out who the father of your child is!
Toot: Yay!
Maury: Toot Braunstein- are you ready to find out... who is the father of your child?
Toot: Yes!
Maury: The father of your child is... (As Maury pauses dramatically, Toot looks at him with extreme anxiousness) going to be revealed after this commercial break!
Toot: Goddammit!
The screen cuts to a shot of the Maury logo. As a large photograph of Toot appears on the screen, a voice over begins.
Announcer: Which one of these four people is the father of Toot Braunstein's child?
A small photo of Captain Hero appears and moves into the upper left hand corner of the screen. Next, a photo of Xandir appears and moves into the lower right hand corner of the screen. Then a photo of Spanky appears and moves into the lower left hand corner of the screen. Finally, a photo of Wooldoor appears and moves into the upper right hand corner of the screen.
Announcer: Or is it... FIVE people? (At this, a photo of a very angry Foxxy Love appears and moves into the center of the screen.)
Foxxy: (voice) Goddammit, y'all, it ain't me!
Announcer: We'll find out... after these messages!
At this point, the screen goes black. The scene suddenly changes to the living room of the Drawn Together house where all the housemates are gathered. An irritated Toot stands holding the remote.
Toot: God, I don't believe these shows! Can you believe the crap they're doing for ratings now? It's horrible!
Wooldoor: Awww! I wanted to find out who the baby daddy was!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, you ain't old enough to be watching trash like that! It'll pollute yo' mind!
Wooldoor: That's the same thing Clara said about Barney!
Clara: Everyone knows Barney is pure evil, Wooldoor! Don't you remember that one episode we saw that one time?
Cut to an episode of Barney. He is wearing devil horns and tail and holding a pitchfork.
Barney: That's right, kids! Satan worshipping is fun! Everyone sing together! (sings) I love you, you love me, Satan owns our souls eternally-
The scene suddenly cuts back to the Drawn Together house.
Spanky: Hold it! What the hell was that? Did we just do a cutaway gag? What, are we turning into Family Guy now?
Clara: (fearful) I don't like this... you guys... make it stop!
Xandir: Oh, I know what we can do!
Everyone else: NO! (Xandir sits back down, annoyed.)
Peter Griffin walks into the room. He is completely naked.
Peter: Hey, um... do I live here?
As the housemates look at him in confusion, the screen goes to black again. We then cut to the Drawn Together living room yet again, where we again see an irritated Toot holding the remote.
Toot: God... they are REALLY reaching for ideas!
Everyone nods in assent.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. The housemates are still gathered watching television. They are now watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: (on television) And then I punched him, and then I kicked him, and then I slapped him some more. Then I grabbed his scrawny little neck and said, "We don't negotiate with terrorists!" Then I kicked him in the groin and threw him on the ground and said, "I'll be back!"
Conan O'Brien: What a great story! But enough about your guest appearance on The View. (The studio audience laughs.)
Paris Hilton: (on the couch beside Arnold) I bitchslapped Nicole Richie once!
Arnold: Well, who hasn't? (The studio audience laughs again.)
Conan O'Brien: (to audience) Anyway, we were supposed to have Michael J. Fox on the show tonight, but unfortunately, it turns out he's not allowed out past curfew. (The audience is disappointed.) But here to fill in for him, we have one of the up and coming young stars of the music world, please welcome Reverend Smack Daddy LDS! (The audience cheers. Reverend Smack Daddy enters. He is dressed in a white suit and lots of gold crosses on chains. Underneath his suit, he wears a minister's collar. He smiles into the camera. We see that he has a gold tooth with an image of Christ on it.)
Cut to the housemates watching the show.
Clara: Who is that man and why does he have Jesus in his mouth?
Spanky: That sounds like a line of dialogue from a Christian porn movie! (Clara is thoroughly weirded out.)
Foxxy: You know what? That guy looks kinda familiar. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I knew him from somewhere.
Wooldoor: You probably banged him once.
Foxxy: I probably did, but that's not where I know him from.
The scene returns to the show.
Conan: Good evening, Reverend.
Reverend: What up, my little redhaired cracker?
Conan: Now, Reverend Smack Daddy, you perform a very unique genre of music. Why don't you tell us about that?
Reverend: Um, yeah. I am a Christian gangsta rapper.
Conan: And what's that?
Reverend: I perform hardcore gangsta rap, except the songs are all about Christian values and beliefs.
Conan: Really? That's a very unique idea. Now how did you happen to discover this new style?
Reverend: Well, Conan, I was lying in the gutter one day passed out with a couple of my bitches when I woke up in a pile of my own vomit. It was then that I realized I needed God in my life.
Conan: Because that was the moment you realized your life was out of control?
Reverend: Yeah, well, not that exactly. You see, I realized I wasn't keepin' it real no more. Now that Jesus dude, he kept it real. I mean, Jesus lived on the streets with the homeboys and he kept it real.
Conan: (confused) Um, what?
Reverend: Now don't get me wrong. Jesus was all about love and mercy and turning the other cheek, but he wasn't above smacking a bitch if she got out of line.
Conan: I don't remember seeing that in the Bible anywhere.
Reverend: So what I figured was, I'd try to bring Jesus into the gangsta lifestyle and maybe teach these kids that you can be real and live yo' life for Christ and bust a cap in the devil's ass for him. Know what I'm sayin'?
Conan: Not really, no. But anyway, I believe you're going to perform a song for us now, correct?
Reverend: That's right, y'all. This song is from my new album, "Pimpin' for God". It's all about expressin' yo' love for a woman in a spiritual way.
The Reverend gets up and walks over to the stage. Conan turns to the audience.
Conan: Reverend Smack Daddy LDS, everyone!
The music starts and the Reverend begins performing.
We cut to the housemates listening to the song.
Clara: (blushing heavily) Oh, my!
Spanky: Maybe I had you Christians all wrong, Clara!
Hero: Hmm, I didn't even know you could give it to a woman THERE!
Clara: Wait, I'm confused. If he's supposed to be Christian, why does he keep talking about all this nasty sex stuff?
Cut back to the show. The song ends. The audience cheers.
Reverend: Now I just wanted to let you all know that all that stuff strictly refers to intermarital relations with your good lady wife. Peace out, y'all!
As the audience cheers again, the scene cuts back to the housemates.
Wooldoor: Wow, Clara! Do you and Ling-Ling get freaky like that? Apparently it's okay if you're married!
Clara: (blushing) Well... Well, I...
Ling-Ling: All right, people, that enough! Leave Carla alone!
Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: You no underestimate Carla! She get pretty freaky when she want to be!
Hero: She does?
Toot: Yeah, I hear that last night she even did it at the foot of the bed!
Clara: Hey, come on, guys, that's enough!
Foxxy: Yeah, everyone. Y'all quit giving Clara such a hard time. It ain't Clara's fault if she don't get as freaky as the rest of us!
Clara: Thank you, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Y'all may be forgetting that even though Clara may be married, she's still Catholic! (Everyone nods in realization. Clara looks on in disbelief.)
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. I see.
Clara: Thank you guys for being so... (her brow wrinkles) understanding.
Toot: No problem, Clara!
The housemates resume watching TV. Foxxy suddenly starts jumping in excitement.
Foxxy: Oh my God! Oh my God, y'all! I just realized who that guy was! That's the Notorious Young Lil' Puff Doggy Daddy-O!
Toot: No, he's not, Foxxy! They told us who he was! He's the Reverend Smack Daddy LDS! (to the others) I think Foxxy's starting to lose it. (She gets up and puts her arm around Foxxy and starts walking her to the door.) I guess it's time to put her in a home!
Xandir: (to Toot) You're never going to let that drop, are you?
Toot: (She lets Foxxy go, then turns to Xandir angrily.) I'm 22 years old, for God's sake! Did it not occur to any of you to just ASK me how old I was before you went and stashed me in an old folks' home?
Xandir: That wouldn't have done any good, Toot. You had the Alzheimer's! Your answers were unreliable.
Toot: I DID NOT HAVE THE ALZHEIMER'S!
Clara: (She gets up and puts her arm around Toot.) Toot, Toot, it's okay. We don't think you're old at all. Xandir's just a jackass!
Toot: Thanks, Clara. I wish you were around when that whole Alzheimer's mess was going on originally. You could have talked some sense into them.
Clara: I know. But what could I do? I was stuck in my own story that week!
Toot nods. Clara lets go and goes back to the couch and sits down. Foxxy turns to the group.
Foxxy: No, y'all. I meant that I just realized where I know that guy from! I used to date him! Before he found God, he was called the Notorious Young Lil' Puff Doggy Daddy-O!
Spanky: Wow! That's like, a spoof on the names of five different actual rappers!
Wooldoor: Oh my God, Foxxy! So you know the Reverend Smack Daddy? That means you can get us an autograph! Wheeeeeeeeee!
Foxxy: Now just calm down, y'all. Yeah, it's true. I used to date the guy before he became famous. But that was years ago! He probably don't even remember me!
Just at that moment, the phone rings.
Toot (in confessional): Three guesses who it was!
Foxxy picks up the phone.
Foxxy: Hello?
Reverend: Foxxy! Foxxy Love! How y'all doin'?
Foxxy: Why, hey, sugar! What's goin' on? How'd you get this number?
Reverend: Your producer just called me up and asked me if I could be a guest star on this reality show. I wasn't sure, but then when they told me that you was on it- well, I figured I gots to get me some of that action! No, sir, the Reverend can't be missin' a chance to minister to a fine lady like Miss Foxxy Love herself!
Foxxy: You wanna do a guest spot? Well... I suppose that'd be all right. But just so you know, Reverend... whatever it was. I got a boyfriend now. So we can't be doin' the nasty anymore like we used to.
Reverend: Hey, hey, you forget who y'alls talkin' to! I'm a different man now. I don't believe in extramarital sex no more!
Foxxy: Well, good. In that case, we'd love it if you could drop by. I think you'd be a good ratings booster. I mean, a good influence on these people here.
Reverend: Thanks, Foxxy. Praise it like it's hot!
Foxxy: I'll see y'all later! Bye! (She hangs up the phone and turns to the others.) Well, y'all, it looks like we're gonna be having us a visitor this week! (The others are nonchalant, except for Clara, who is mildly offended.)
Clara: Foxxy, how can you do that! I find your behavior very offensive!
Foxxy: Clara, look. I know Reverend Smack Pony or whatever it was, he may have lived a pretty hard life, but all that's changed! He's a good Christian now!
Clara: I'm not talking about your ex-boyfriend, Foxxy! I'm talking about your persistent use of the word "y'all"! I mean, the episode's just barely started and you've used it, what? Nine times already?
Toot: (amused) That Clara! Always got her priorities in order!
As the housemates laugh, the scene fades.
Foxxy (in confessional): I was excited to get to see my old friend again, but I was worried that Captain Hero might feel threatened by him. I mean, I raised that big stink when his old girlfriend Unusually Flexible Girl came to visit, and knowing how jealous Hero gets, I was worried he might do the same with MY boyfriend. Lord, he might even get violent! Of course, knowing Hero, there's a good chance that would happen even if I didn't used to date him. Anyway, I was waiting with baited breath!
Clara: (from offscreen) I told you to just use mouthwash!
Foxxy gives an irritated glance to the side of the screen.
The scene changes back to the living room. It is the following day. All the housemates are present except Captain Hero. The doorbell rings.
Foxxy: All right, y'all. That'd be him!
Clara: That's ten, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Shut up, Clara!
Foxxy opens the door. The Reverend Smack Daddy enters. (He immediately hugs Foxxy.)
Reverend: Hey, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Hey, Reverend Sugar Smacks! Or whatever it was!
Reverend: So how y'all been?
Clara: (throwing her hands in the air) I'm just going to quit trying!
Reverend: (looking around) So this is what a real TV reality show looks like! Pretty damn nice!
Spanky: Haven't you ever seen a reality show before?
Reverend: I actually used to have my own reality show. But it wasn't as nice as this one. It was called "Gettin' Busted on the 7-11 Surveillance Camera for Stealing Beer and Then Bustin' a Cap in the Clerk's Ass".
Wooldoor: Is that on Channel Eight?
Foxxy: Anyway, Smacky, I'd like to introduce y'all to the rest of my housemates. (gestures toward housemates) This is Spanky, and Wooldoor, and Toot, and Ling-Ling, and Xandir.
Reverend: Hey y'all!
Ling-Ling: What up, Minister Slap Father?
Reverend: (sees Clara) And who is this fine lady here in the purple dress?
Clara: Back off, okay? I'm married! And besides, I don't believe in getting freaky with skanks or hoes or bitches or whatever you call loose women nowadays, so you can just forget it!
Spanky: (to Reverend) That's Clara. She's the resident religious freak.
Reverend: Hey, that's cool! I may still be a gangsta but I'm a gangsta for God now! Cause we all God's bitches, yo!
Clara: (confused) What?
Reverend: Don't you worry, Miss Clara. In my past life, I would have laid you on a bed and ripped yo' panties off and done you up and down, left and right, front and back, and sideways, but I don't do that no more! Unless, of course, it's within the bonds of holy matrimony.
Clara: Thanks. I guess.
Reverend: And since we ain't married, I'm afraid that fine as you are, I'm gonna have to pass.
Clara: Thank you very much.
Reverend: Now if you want, we could hop in my pimped out car- I call it the Jesusmobile- and we could go down to the city courthouse and get married and then fuck all night to our heart's content. So what do you say, sweetness?
Clara stares blankly and says nothing. Toot slides up to the Reverend.
Toot: Um, Reverend? Clara's married already.
Reverend: Oh, right.
Toot: And she's not into that, anyway. She's pretty vanilla.
Clara: (to Ling-Ling, still somewhat in shock) Ling-Ling... did I just get invited to marry some sleazy rapper and then "fuck all night to my heart's content"? (Ling-Ling nods.) Okay. That's what it sounded like.
Reverend: (to Foxxy) You said y'all had a boyfriend. Is he here right now?
Foxxy: Just a minute. I'll go get him!
Cut to the bathroom upstairs. We see Hero sitting in the tub playing happily. There are also several toy boats in the tub, along with his rubber duck.
Hero: (holding a battleship) Full speed ahead, Lieutenant! We'll destroy Sergeant Squishy's fleet! (He then muffles his voice and begins speaking in a Scottish accent.) Aye, Admiral Hero! (Hero proceeds to move the battleship through the water toward a large fleet of toy boats.) But uh oh... what's this? (He suddenly grabs the rubber duck in his other hand and makes it swoop down toward all the ships.) Why it's... Super Duck! Come to save the day! (With the rubber duck, he pushes the battleship down into the water. It immediately pops back up.) Goddammit, Super Duck doesn't like it when a vanquished enemy won't stay dead! (Hero proceeds to keep pounding the battleship into the water with the duck. As he does this, Foxxy enters.)
Foxxy: Oh, Captain Hero?
Hero: Not now, Foxxy? We're right in the middle of a battle! We're about to destroy the Spanish Armada!
Foxxy: Captain Hero, the Reverend is here. I wanted you to come down and meet him.
Hero: Reverend? What Reverend? Oh, your ex-boyfriend!
Foxxy: Yeah. (She walks over to the tub and sits down besides it.) Um, listen, Captain Hero. Look, I know that this guy has a certain reputation. And it's true that we do have a history together. But I just want you to know that you've got no reason to feel threatened by him.
Hero: Threatened by him? Why would I be threatened by him?
Foxxy: Uh... for the reasons I just said.
Hero: Oh. What did you say again?
Foxxy: Never mind. (She gets up.) Just get dressed and come on down. (As she walks out, she sighs.) I guess I'll just have to take my chances.
Foxxy walks downstairs. Wooldoor is standing in front of the Reverend bending over with his pants pulled down.
Reverend: And you're sure it won't hurt you?
Wooldoor: Of course not!
Reverend: I'd better warn you, Wooldoor- it's pretty damn big!
Wooldoor: That's okay! I'm very flexible!
Reverend: All right. If you say so!
The Reverend backs up and loosens his pants. Then he reaches inside a pocket and pulls out a giant fountain pen. He postitions the pen over Wooldoor's butt.
Reverend: So who do you want me to make this out to?
Wooldoor: Wooldoor Sockbat!
Reverend: All right. (The Reverend writes, "To the shakinest booty in the whole world, my bitch Wooldoor Sockbat," then signs his name.) Done!
Wooldoor: (standing up straight) Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Reverend: Who's next?
Xandir walks over to the Reverend and pulls the bottom of his outfit down and bends over.
Xandir: Just make it out to Xandir! (The Reverend signs Xandir's butt.) It's okay, you can press harder if you want!
At that moment, Foxxy Love reappears.
Foxxy: Excuse me, Reverend? (The Reverend turns.) I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend, Captain Hero!
Captain Hero walks down the stairs. He walks over to the Reverend. With a stern, disapproving manner, he looks the Reverend up and down.
Hero: So... you're the man who used to date Foxxy.
Reverend: That's right, homes.
Foxxy: (to Clara) Clara? Could you say a prayer to God that these two don't kill each other?
Clara: (confused) Foxxy, you ARE allowed to pray yourself- you realize that, don't you? It's not like I'm the only one in the house who's granted that privelege!
Hero: (to the Reverend) And did you do all kinds of freaky nasty stuff with her?
Reverend: Hey, what can I say? Before I became God's bitch, I was Foxxy's bitch! And sometimes she was my bitch. Except on Friday nights, when she and I was both Sloop Dogg Pete's bitches!
Hero: And now you've found religion?
Reverend: That's right! I'm pimpin' for God now! Cause like I always say, if you're gonna be a ho- be a ho for the Lord!
Hero: You still want to have sex with Foxxy, don't you?
Reverend: Course I do! But that don't mean I'm gonna! It's like God always says, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass!
Hero: Yes, I can see how you would be tempted. Foxxy does have a fine ass!
Reverend: And a fine vagina too! (Hero's face suddenly lights up.)
Hero: Dude! You like vaginas?
Reverend: I loves the vaginas!
Clara: (burying her face in her hands) Oh, God, not this crap again!
Hero: So tell me, Reverend. How do you feel about boobs?
Reverend: I loves the boobs!
Hero: Wow! We really have a lot in common!
Toot: (to Clara) Him and just about every other male in America!
Reverend: But I should stress that I only like the natural kind, not the fake kind. Cause if God had wanted y'all to have big boobs, he woulda made it so you was born with 'em!
Hero: You are so wise! Do you wanna hang out later?
Reverend: Yeah, why not? I like a guy who can appreciate the value of a good ho! Even if we ain't necessarily gonna do anything with 'em.
Hero: Perfect! Let's go upstairs and I'll show you my porn! (They start to go upstairs. Clara stops them.)
Clara: Wait! So it's okay for you to look at porn?
Reverend: Clara, these ladies is just showing off what God gave 'em! And there ain't no reason to be ashamed of God's work!
Clara: (still skeptical, but acquiescent) Right. God's work. Well... okay, then! You boys go enjoy your porn!
Hero: Yay! Come on, Smacky! (Hero playfully jaunts upstairs. The Reverend follows after him, but walking normally. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot all look at each other.)
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a black screen. Immediately the logo for the show Maury fades in. The logo dissolves to a shot of Maury Povich in front of a studio audience.
Maury: Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Maury. Today we'll be finding out who the father of someone's baby is! I mean- what else do we ever do on here? But anyway, let's meet our next guest.
The scene changes to the stage, where we see Toot sitting holding a baby in her arms.
Maury: This is Toot Braunstein. She lives in a house with a bunch of other cartoon characters on a reality show of some kind. Toot, why don't you tell us your story?
Toot: Well, Maury, I was going through a very difficult period in my life. I was lonely and depressed, and my housemates weren't being very supportive. Usually I would try to drown my sorrows in food and alcohol, but we were all out. I wasn't feeling up to driving all the way to the store, so I decided to drown myself in the hot tub.
Maury: The hot tub, you say?
Toot: Yes, the hot tub. You got hair in your ears or something?
Maury: I'm sorry, please continue.
Toot: Anyway, while I sat in the hot tub trying to end it all, my housemate Clara came out to talk to me.
Maury: And Clara talked you out of committing suicide?
Toot: I guess, if that's the way you want to look at it.
Maury: What did Clara say to you?
Toot: Oh, she gave me some religious crap about how life is beautiful and suicide is never the answer, blah blah blah. To be honest, I didn't buy any of it, but I realized that if I still killed myself after all that, I'd never hear the end of it from her, and she wouldn't stop giving me grief about it for the rest of my life!
Maury: And then what happened?
Toot: Anyway, I climbed out of the hot tub and hosed myself off, then went about my business. And poof, two weeks later I found out I was pregnant!
Maury: And you're sure it was the hot tub?
Toot: It had to be! It was the only opportunity for it to happen! Actually... I did bang this gay guy a few days after that. But I'm pretty sure it was the hot tub.
Maury: So you think that somehow, while you were in the hot tub... someone's seed found its way into your body?
Toot: Yes. You see, the men I live with really like to-
Maury: Yes, I think we know. But tell me, Toot. Wouldn't the superheated water in the hot tub kill off any sperm that might still be lingering in there?
Toot: What, are you Geraldo Rivera or something? Who cares?
Maury: Sorry. Please continue.
Toot: Anyway, I knew it had to be one of the guys in the house, but none of them would admit to it. That's why I came on your show today, Maury. I want to know who my baby daddy is.
Maury: That's very convenient! That just happens to be the topic of today's show!
Toot: That's the topic of pretty much every show you do, Maury.
Maury: Yes. Well... anyway... Toot, we gave all the men in your house paternity tests, and today, I'm pleased to announce, we WILL find out who the father of your child is!
Toot: Yay!
Maury: Toot Braunstein- are you ready to find out... who is the father of your child?
Toot: Yes!
Maury: The father of your child is... (As Maury pauses dramatically, Toot looks at him with extreme anxiousness) going to be revealed after this commercial break!
Toot: Goddammit!
The screen cuts to a shot of the Maury logo. As a large photograph of Toot appears on the screen, a voice over begins.
Announcer: Which one of these four people is the father of Toot Braunstein's child?
A small photo of Captain Hero appears and moves into the upper left hand corner of the screen. Next, a photo of Xandir appears and moves into the lower right hand corner of the screen. Then a photo of Spanky appears and moves into the lower left hand corner of the screen. Finally, a photo of Wooldoor appears and moves into the upper right hand corner of the screen.
Announcer: Or is it... FIVE people? (At this, a photo of a very angry Foxxy Love appears and moves into the center of the screen.)
Foxxy: (voice) Goddammit, y'all, it ain't me!
Announcer: We'll find out... after these messages!
At this point, the screen goes black. The scene suddenly changes to the living room of the Drawn Together house where all the housemates are gathered. An irritated Toot stands holding the remote.
Toot: God, I don't believe these shows! Can you believe the crap they're doing for ratings now? It's horrible!
Wooldoor: Awww! I wanted to find out who the baby daddy was!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, you ain't old enough to be watching trash like that! It'll pollute yo' mind!
Wooldoor: That's the same thing Clara said about Barney!
Clara: Everyone knows Barney is pure evil, Wooldoor! Don't you remember that one episode we saw that one time?
Cut to an episode of Barney. He is wearing devil horns and tail and holding a pitchfork.
Barney: That's right, kids! Satan worshipping is fun! Everyone sing together! (sings) I love you, you love me, Satan owns our souls eternally-
The scene suddenly cuts back to the Drawn Together house.
Spanky: Hold it! What the hell was that? Did we just do a cutaway gag? What, are we turning into Family Guy now?
Clara: (fearful) I don't like this... you guys... make it stop!
Xandir: Oh, I know what we can do!
Everyone else: NO! (Xandir sits back down, annoyed.)
Peter Griffin walks into the room. He is completely naked.
Peter: Hey, um... do I live here?
As the housemates look at him in confusion, the screen goes to black again. We then cut to the Drawn Together living room yet again, where we again see an irritated Toot holding the remote.
Toot: God... they are REALLY reaching for ideas!
Everyone nods in assent.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. The housemates are still gathered watching television. They are now watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: (on television) And then I punched him, and then I kicked him, and then I slapped him some more. Then I grabbed his scrawny little neck and said, "We don't negotiate with terrorists!" Then I kicked him in the groin and threw him on the ground and said, "I'll be back!"
Conan O'Brien: What a great story! But enough about your guest appearance on The View. (The studio audience laughs.)
Paris Hilton: (on the couch beside Arnold) I bitchslapped Nicole Richie once!
Arnold: Well, who hasn't? (The studio audience laughs again.)
Conan O'Brien: (to audience) Anyway, we were supposed to have Michael J. Fox on the show tonight, but unfortunately, it turns out he's not allowed out past curfew. (The audience is disappointed.) But here to fill in for him, we have one of the up and coming young stars of the music world, please welcome Reverend Smack Daddy LDS! (The audience cheers. Reverend Smack Daddy enters. He is dressed in a white suit and lots of gold crosses on chains. Underneath his suit, he wears a minister's collar. He smiles into the camera. We see that he has a gold tooth with an image of Christ on it.)
Cut to the housemates watching the show.
Clara: Who is that man and why does he have Jesus in his mouth?
Spanky: That sounds like a line of dialogue from a Christian porn movie! (Clara is thoroughly weirded out.)
Foxxy: You know what? That guy looks kinda familiar. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I knew him from somewhere.
Wooldoor: You probably banged him once.
Foxxy: I probably did, but that's not where I know him from.
The scene returns to the show.
Conan: Good evening, Reverend.
Reverend: What up, my little redhaired cracker?
Conan: Now, Reverend Smack Daddy, you perform a very unique genre of music. Why don't you tell us about that?
Reverend: Um, yeah. I am a Christian gangsta rapper.
Conan: And what's that?
Reverend: I perform hardcore gangsta rap, except the songs are all about Christian values and beliefs.
Conan: Really? That's a very unique idea. Now how did you happen to discover this new style?
Reverend: Well, Conan, I was lying in the gutter one day passed out with a couple of my bitches when I woke up in a pile of my own vomit. It was then that I realized I needed God in my life.
Conan: Because that was the moment you realized your life was out of control?
Reverend: Yeah, well, not that exactly. You see, I realized I wasn't keepin' it real no more. Now that Jesus dude, he kept it real. I mean, Jesus lived on the streets with the homeboys and he kept it real.
Conan: (confused) Um, what?
Reverend: Now don't get me wrong. Jesus was all about love and mercy and turning the other cheek, but he wasn't above smacking a bitch if she got out of line.
Conan: I don't remember seeing that in the Bible anywhere.
Reverend: So what I figured was, I'd try to bring Jesus into the gangsta lifestyle and maybe teach these kids that you can be real and live yo' life for Christ and bust a cap in the devil's ass for him. Know what I'm sayin'?
Conan: Not really, no. But anyway, I believe you're going to perform a song for us now, correct?
Reverend: That's right, y'all. This song is from my new album, "Pimpin' for God". It's all about expressin' yo' love for a woman in a spiritual way.
The Reverend gets up and walks over to the stage. Conan turns to the audience.
Conan: Reverend Smack Daddy LDS, everyone!
The music starts and the Reverend begins performing.
We cut to the housemates listening to the song.
Clara: (blushing heavily) Oh, my!
Spanky: Maybe I had you Christians all wrong, Clara!
Hero: Hmm, I didn't even know you could give it to a woman THERE!
Clara: Wait, I'm confused. If he's supposed to be Christian, why does he keep talking about all this nasty sex stuff?
Cut back to the show. The song ends. The audience cheers.
Reverend: Now I just wanted to let you all know that all that stuff strictly refers to intermarital relations with your good lady wife. Peace out, y'all!
As the audience cheers again, the scene cuts back to the housemates.
Wooldoor: Wow, Clara! Do you and Ling-Ling get freaky like that? Apparently it's okay if you're married!
Clara: (blushing) Well... Well, I...
Ling-Ling: All right, people, that enough! Leave Carla alone!
Clara: Thank you, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: You no underestimate Carla! She get pretty freaky when she want to be!
Hero: She does?
Toot: Yeah, I hear that last night she even did it at the foot of the bed!
Clara: Hey, come on, guys, that's enough!
Foxxy: Yeah, everyone. Y'all quit giving Clara such a hard time. It ain't Clara's fault if she don't get as freaky as the rest of us!
Clara: Thank you, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Y'all may be forgetting that even though Clara may be married, she's still Catholic! (Everyone nods in realization. Clara looks on in disbelief.)
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. I see.
Clara: Thank you guys for being so... (her brow wrinkles) understanding.
Toot: No problem, Clara!
The housemates resume watching TV. Foxxy suddenly starts jumping in excitement.
Foxxy: Oh my God! Oh my God, y'all! I just realized who that guy was! That's the Notorious Young Lil' Puff Doggy Daddy-O!
Toot: No, he's not, Foxxy! They told us who he was! He's the Reverend Smack Daddy LDS! (to the others) I think Foxxy's starting to lose it. (She gets up and puts her arm around Foxxy and starts walking her to the door.) I guess it's time to put her in a home!
Xandir: (to Toot) You're never going to let that drop, are you?
Toot: (She lets Foxxy go, then turns to Xandir angrily.) I'm 22 years old, for God's sake! Did it not occur to any of you to just ASK me how old I was before you went and stashed me in an old folks' home?
Xandir: That wouldn't have done any good, Toot. You had the Alzheimer's! Your answers were unreliable.
Toot: I DID NOT HAVE THE ALZHEIMER'S!
Clara: (She gets up and puts her arm around Toot.) Toot, Toot, it's okay. We don't think you're old at all. Xandir's just a jackass!
Toot: Thanks, Clara. I wish you were around when that whole Alzheimer's mess was going on originally. You could have talked some sense into them.
Clara: I know. But what could I do? I was stuck in my own story that week!
Toot nods. Clara lets go and goes back to the couch and sits down. Foxxy turns to the group.
Foxxy: No, y'all. I meant that I just realized where I know that guy from! I used to date him! Before he found God, he was called the Notorious Young Lil' Puff Doggy Daddy-O!
Spanky: Wow! That's like, a spoof on the names of five different actual rappers!
Wooldoor: Oh my God, Foxxy! So you know the Reverend Smack Daddy? That means you can get us an autograph! Wheeeeeeeeee!
Foxxy: Now just calm down, y'all. Yeah, it's true. I used to date the guy before he became famous. But that was years ago! He probably don't even remember me!
Just at that moment, the phone rings.
Toot (in confessional): Three guesses who it was!
Foxxy picks up the phone.
Foxxy: Hello?
Reverend: Foxxy! Foxxy Love! How y'all doin'?
Foxxy: Why, hey, sugar! What's goin' on? How'd you get this number?
Reverend: Your producer just called me up and asked me if I could be a guest star on this reality show. I wasn't sure, but then when they told me that you was on it- well, I figured I gots to get me some of that action! No, sir, the Reverend can't be missin' a chance to minister to a fine lady like Miss Foxxy Love herself!
Foxxy: You wanna do a guest spot? Well... I suppose that'd be all right. But just so you know, Reverend... whatever it was. I got a boyfriend now. So we can't be doin' the nasty anymore like we used to.
Reverend: Hey, hey, you forget who y'alls talkin' to! I'm a different man now. I don't believe in extramarital sex no more!
Foxxy: Well, good. In that case, we'd love it if you could drop by. I think you'd be a good ratings booster. I mean, a good influence on these people here.
Reverend: Thanks, Foxxy. Praise it like it's hot!
Foxxy: I'll see y'all later! Bye! (She hangs up the phone and turns to the others.) Well, y'all, it looks like we're gonna be having us a visitor this week! (The others are nonchalant, except for Clara, who is mildly offended.)
Clara: Foxxy, how can you do that! I find your behavior very offensive!
Foxxy: Clara, look. I know Reverend Smack Pony or whatever it was, he may have lived a pretty hard life, but all that's changed! He's a good Christian now!
Clara: I'm not talking about your ex-boyfriend, Foxxy! I'm talking about your persistent use of the word "y'all"! I mean, the episode's just barely started and you've used it, what? Nine times already?
Toot: (amused) That Clara! Always got her priorities in order!
As the housemates laugh, the scene fades.
Foxxy (in confessional): I was excited to get to see my old friend again, but I was worried that Captain Hero might feel threatened by him. I mean, I raised that big stink when his old girlfriend Unusually Flexible Girl came to visit, and knowing how jealous Hero gets, I was worried he might do the same with MY boyfriend. Lord, he might even get violent! Of course, knowing Hero, there's a good chance that would happen even if I didn't used to date him. Anyway, I was waiting with baited breath!
Clara: (from offscreen) I told you to just use mouthwash!
Foxxy gives an irritated glance to the side of the screen.
The scene changes back to the living room. It is the following day. All the housemates are present except Captain Hero. The doorbell rings.
Foxxy: All right, y'all. That'd be him!
Clara: That's ten, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Shut up, Clara!
Foxxy opens the door. The Reverend Smack Daddy enters. (He immediately hugs Foxxy.)
Reverend: Hey, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Hey, Reverend Sugar Smacks! Or whatever it was!
Reverend: So how y'all been?
Clara: (throwing her hands in the air) I'm just going to quit trying!
Reverend: (looking around) So this is what a real TV reality show looks like! Pretty damn nice!
Spanky: Haven't you ever seen a reality show before?
Reverend: I actually used to have my own reality show. But it wasn't as nice as this one. It was called "Gettin' Busted on the 7-11 Surveillance Camera for Stealing Beer and Then Bustin' a Cap in the Clerk's Ass".
Wooldoor: Is that on Channel Eight?
Foxxy: Anyway, Smacky, I'd like to introduce y'all to the rest of my housemates. (gestures toward housemates) This is Spanky, and Wooldoor, and Toot, and Ling-Ling, and Xandir.
Reverend: Hey y'all!
Ling-Ling: What up, Minister Slap Father?
Reverend: (sees Clara) And who is this fine lady here in the purple dress?
Clara: Back off, okay? I'm married! And besides, I don't believe in getting freaky with skanks or hoes or bitches or whatever you call loose women nowadays, so you can just forget it!
Spanky: (to Reverend) That's Clara. She's the resident religious freak.
Reverend: Hey, that's cool! I may still be a gangsta but I'm a gangsta for God now! Cause we all God's bitches, yo!
Clara: (confused) What?
Reverend: Don't you worry, Miss Clara. In my past life, I would have laid you on a bed and ripped yo' panties off and done you up and down, left and right, front and back, and sideways, but I don't do that no more! Unless, of course, it's within the bonds of holy matrimony.
Clara: Thanks. I guess.
Reverend: And since we ain't married, I'm afraid that fine as you are, I'm gonna have to pass.
Clara: Thank you very much.
Reverend: Now if you want, we could hop in my pimped out car- I call it the Jesusmobile- and we could go down to the city courthouse and get married and then fuck all night to our heart's content. So what do you say, sweetness?
Clara stares blankly and says nothing. Toot slides up to the Reverend.
Toot: Um, Reverend? Clara's married already.
Reverend: Oh, right.
Toot: And she's not into that, anyway. She's pretty vanilla.
Clara: (to Ling-Ling, still somewhat in shock) Ling-Ling... did I just get invited to marry some sleazy rapper and then "fuck all night to my heart's content"? (Ling-Ling nods.) Okay. That's what it sounded like.
Reverend: (to Foxxy) You said y'all had a boyfriend. Is he here right now?
Foxxy: Just a minute. I'll go get him!
Cut to the bathroom upstairs. We see Hero sitting in the tub playing happily. There are also several toy boats in the tub, along with his rubber duck.
Hero: (holding a battleship) Full speed ahead, Lieutenant! We'll destroy Sergeant Squishy's fleet! (He then muffles his voice and begins speaking in a Scottish accent.) Aye, Admiral Hero! (Hero proceeds to move the battleship through the water toward a large fleet of toy boats.) But uh oh... what's this? (He suddenly grabs the rubber duck in his other hand and makes it swoop down toward all the ships.) Why it's... Super Duck! Come to save the day! (With the rubber duck, he pushes the battleship down into the water. It immediately pops back up.) Goddammit, Super Duck doesn't like it when a vanquished enemy won't stay dead! (Hero proceeds to keep pounding the battleship into the water with the duck. As he does this, Foxxy enters.)
Foxxy: Oh, Captain Hero?
Hero: Not now, Foxxy? We're right in the middle of a battle! We're about to destroy the Spanish Armada!
Foxxy: Captain Hero, the Reverend is here. I wanted you to come down and meet him.
Hero: Reverend? What Reverend? Oh, your ex-boyfriend!
Foxxy: Yeah. (She walks over to the tub and sits down besides it.) Um, listen, Captain Hero. Look, I know that this guy has a certain reputation. And it's true that we do have a history together. But I just want you to know that you've got no reason to feel threatened by him.
Hero: Threatened by him? Why would I be threatened by him?
Foxxy: Uh... for the reasons I just said.
Hero: Oh. What did you say again?
Foxxy: Never mind. (She gets up.) Just get dressed and come on down. (As she walks out, she sighs.) I guess I'll just have to take my chances.
Foxxy walks downstairs. Wooldoor is standing in front of the Reverend bending over with his pants pulled down.
Reverend: And you're sure it won't hurt you?
Wooldoor: Of course not!
Reverend: I'd better warn you, Wooldoor- it's pretty damn big!
Wooldoor: That's okay! I'm very flexible!
Reverend: All right. If you say so!
The Reverend backs up and loosens his pants. Then he reaches inside a pocket and pulls out a giant fountain pen. He postitions the pen over Wooldoor's butt.
Reverend: So who do you want me to make this out to?
Wooldoor: Wooldoor Sockbat!
Reverend: All right. (The Reverend writes, "To the shakinest booty in the whole world, my bitch Wooldoor Sockbat," then signs his name.) Done!
Wooldoor: (standing up straight) Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Reverend: Who's next?
Xandir walks over to the Reverend and pulls the bottom of his outfit down and bends over.
Xandir: Just make it out to Xandir! (The Reverend signs Xandir's butt.) It's okay, you can press harder if you want!
At that moment, Foxxy Love reappears.
Foxxy: Excuse me, Reverend? (The Reverend turns.) I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend, Captain Hero!
Captain Hero walks down the stairs. He walks over to the Reverend. With a stern, disapproving manner, he looks the Reverend up and down.
Hero: So... you're the man who used to date Foxxy.
Reverend: That's right, homes.
Foxxy: (to Clara) Clara? Could you say a prayer to God that these two don't kill each other?
Clara: (confused) Foxxy, you ARE allowed to pray yourself- you realize that, don't you? It's not like I'm the only one in the house who's granted that privelege!
Hero: (to the Reverend) And did you do all kinds of freaky nasty stuff with her?
Reverend: Hey, what can I say? Before I became God's bitch, I was Foxxy's bitch! And sometimes she was my bitch. Except on Friday nights, when she and I was both Sloop Dogg Pete's bitches!
Hero: And now you've found religion?
Reverend: That's right! I'm pimpin' for God now! Cause like I always say, if you're gonna be a ho- be a ho for the Lord!
Hero: You still want to have sex with Foxxy, don't you?
Reverend: Course I do! But that don't mean I'm gonna! It's like God always says, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass!
Hero: Yes, I can see how you would be tempted. Foxxy does have a fine ass!
Reverend: And a fine vagina too! (Hero's face suddenly lights up.)
Hero: Dude! You like vaginas?
Reverend: I loves the vaginas!
Clara: (burying her face in her hands) Oh, God, not this crap again!
Hero: So tell me, Reverend. How do you feel about boobs?
Reverend: I loves the boobs!
Hero: Wow! We really have a lot in common!
Toot: (to Clara) Him and just about every other male in America!
Reverend: But I should stress that I only like the natural kind, not the fake kind. Cause if God had wanted y'all to have big boobs, he woulda made it so you was born with 'em!
Hero: You are so wise! Do you wanna hang out later?
Reverend: Yeah, why not? I like a guy who can appreciate the value of a good ho! Even if we ain't necessarily gonna do anything with 'em.
Hero: Perfect! Let's go upstairs and I'll show you my porn! (They start to go upstairs. Clara stops them.)
Clara: Wait! So it's okay for you to look at porn?
Reverend: Clara, these ladies is just showing off what God gave 'em! And there ain't no reason to be ashamed of God's work!
Clara: (still skeptical, but acquiescent) Right. God's work. Well... okay, then! You boys go enjoy your porn!
Hero: Yay! Come on, Smacky! (Hero playfully jaunts upstairs. The Reverend follows after him, but walking normally. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot all look at each other.)
(to be continued...)