Post by lorelei on Jul 15, 2007 13:36:36 GMT -5
Here's one of my first few attempts at a mini fan fic. (longer one pending) I did this one as a spin off from Ray-Ray's Ludachrist fic. I just couldn’t help it, this part got the creative wheels turning:
See, I love this! I love how *they* realize that they never die, and it’s even funnier now to imagine Clara lecturing Toot in the very next episode, and perhaps a few more after that…but what if they *stayed* dead? And crossed over into...
Heaven or Hell?
The scene opens at the town cemetery. All the housemates except for Toot are gathered around a burial plot. They are all in black, and looking somber. Clara is crying, with her hands over her face. Xandir is holding a bundle of flowers.
Captain Hero: You know, I just don’t feel so bad for her.
Xandir: (tosses the flowers on the plot) She’s the lucky one.
Woodloor: This all seems vaguely familiar…
Foxxy: How’d you know, Wooldoor? The only funerals we’s been to are yours!
Captain Hero: Except for Captain Girl! (starts bawling)
Foxxy: Oh, come on, we all know she wasn’t for rrreal rrreal!
Captain Hero: (stops crying) Oh. Right.
Xandir: Like, does any one find it weird that she stayed dead this time?
Wooldoor: Maybe she had nine lives! Like a cat!
Spanky: Make that ninety-nine lives! But now that I think about it, you know we could have saved a lot of money and buried her in the backyard instead.
Ling-Ling: Ling –Ling already checked, there no space in backyard
Spanky: Oh? And why is that?
Ling-Ling: (a halo appears over his head) Ling-Ling no have clue.
Foxxy: Oh, surrrrrre you don’t, you’ve only killed her how many times? (begins to count her fingers)
Clara: (takes her hands from her face) This isn’t funny, you guys! The fact is, she’s dead. Permanently! I can’t even lecture her for killing herself! (breaks down crying again)
Foxxy: Yeeeaah, and that’s more important than, I dunno, just to be able to her sorry ass again!
Clara: I *do* want to see her again! And I will! I know exactly where she is! (she wiggles her nose and disappears in a puff of smoke)
Spanky: How the hell does she do that?
Foxxy: I dunno, it seems to work when she’s rrrrl pissed off about somethin’
Cut to Hell. It’s the same setting from South Park, Bigger, Longer and Uncut with fire breathing & farting dragons. We see Clara standing on one of the ledges.
Clara: Just wait till I get my hands on her! I’m sure she’s really sorry now, but she’ll be even sorrier once she hears what I have to say about all this!
Satan enters.
Clara: (frightened) Who are you?
Satan: Well, I don’t know how you got here, but it looks like - I am your god now.
Clara: (becoming indignant) What? There must be some mistake. The only God I serve – wait, I’m confused. Are you one of Satan’s minions who’s (looks him up and down) gotten a little too big for his britches?
Satan: *I* am Satan!
Clara: You can’t be! Satan is a creepy stalker guy who chases innocent girls all over their houses, forcing them to sign over their souls so that they can do unspeakable acts of evil like …..like….well, okay, I don’t know and I won’t know until the network decides to RUN the episode which won’t happen until South Park kicks off their, I don’t know, second half of their umpteenth season!!
Satan: (tauntingly) Oh, jealous much?
Clara: (hangs her head) No. I’m not. Jealousy is a sin. I’m just here to find my friend, Toot.
Satan: Sorry, she’s not here. (thinks) But I sure wish she was! Together we could be black and white…and red all over!
Clara: Ew! Wait, I thought you were gay!
Satan: Eh, depends on my mood (puts his thumb and forefinger to his mouth and whistles) Yoo-hoo! Mr. Nice Guy! One of your servants has gotten lost again!
The red swirling sky parts above their heads, making a hole like the eye of the storm. A flash of brilliant light shines through nearly blinding Clara and Satan. The light fades a bit and we see Jesus sticking his head through the hole.
Jesus: Clara?
Clara: (falls to her knees) Oh, Jesus!
Jesus: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, yeah, whatever, come along now. (He waves his hand, and a fluffy cloud appears next to her. She steps in, and it rises up to where Jesus is.
Cut to Heaven. We see Toot reclining on a chaise lounge, wearing a white gown and her hair is done up a la Anna Nicole from Freaks and Geeks. She is surrounded by tables loaded with trays of cheese in every variety, chocolate in every variety, and various fried appetizers and champagne. She is eating a hunk of cheese and reading a book. After a moment she looks up.
Toot: Yeesh, it’s too quiet! Hey, how about some jazz?
We hear Kenny G playing his sax.
Toot: Oh please! This is boring (the music changes to something more 1920s Charleston style) That’s better.
A woman in a spa uniform rolling a cart loaded with nail products pulls up next to Toot.
Woman: What color would you like, miss?
Toot: Ooh, I get a color? There’s a first! Usually I have to cut myself to get a color! (She sits up and begins sorting through the bottles of nail polish, as the woman prepares a little table and a basin for a manicure/pedicure. She picks a bright pink polish, and the woman starts to take the book from her)
Toot: You would what would be great? If I could eat and read *while* I’m getting my nails done. (suddenly two more women show up. One takes the book to hold it open so that Toot can read it, and the other holds the hunk of cheese so that she’s able to take bites from it.)
Toot: (mouth slightly full) Now thaaaa’s better! (swallows) But there’s only one thing missing (a man shows up and begins to rub Toot’s shoulders) Wow! I didn’t even have to finish the thought!
Jesus and Clara enter the scene. Clara is in shock at the sight of Toot. Jesus holds out both hands in a presentational gesture.
Jesus: Here she is, my child. You have only ten minutes with her before I send you home again.
Clara: How is that she’s HERE? She killed herself, remember?
Jesus: Hey, sometimes my Dad doesn’t tell me everything, you know. (He shrugs his shoulders and leaves)
Clara: (very angry) This isn’t fair!
Toot: Nyah, nyah! Jealous much?
Clara: PLEASE don’t say that, and if I am (looks wistfully to where Jesus has departed) would it even matter?
Toot: (motions for the shoulder massager to stop so she can lean back against the pillows) Never thought I’d see the day that I would have it better than you – and wow, Clara, here we are!
Clara: I can’t believe this! I thought it was understood that – well, I just can’t believe this. Toot, I went looking for you in hell-
Toot: oooh, what so you can lecture me about what the good book says? Looks like that book is missing some pages there, princess!
Clara: (flustered) But…but
Toot: Yeah, you better sit down before you hurt yourself. (A lazy boy chair appears behind Clara) Since you’ve only got ten minutes, and seeing that your ranting takes, oh, I don’t know, just a bit looooonger than that, you might as well sit down, shut up, and relax
Clara looks at the chair and sits down.
Toot: Cool, huh? You know, this is waaaay better then the Nursing Home! (Clara reclines back in the chair and sighs).
Clara: (shakes her head) I guess I was wrong. But I still wish you hadn’t done it! We…we miss you, Toot.
Toot: (waves her newly manicured hand in dismissal) Yeah, right.
Clara: (tearfully) Well, *I* do.
Toot: You do?
Clara nods and wipes her eyes.
Toot: Wow, Clara, I never thought you cared so much! (Clara nods eagerly) (The Charleston music stops, and Barry White music starts in) And now I better shut up before some fan fic writers start taking this somewhere else again. (Barry White music suddenly stops) But at least they didn’t crap all over the English language like someone ELSE does! (Charleston music starts in again) But you know what? I’d hate for you to leave so soon. If you promise not to start lecturing about how things aren’t supposed to be what they are…I’ll wish for you to stay awhile.
Clara: I’d like that, Toot. And I promise!
Toot: But of course, hasn’t it occurred to you that you *could* go back home to your castle and have pretty much what I have here?
Clara: Toot, I thought I told you that the castle was boring and lonely. I didn’t have any brothers or sisters there, and now I have you guys, well minus one. I wish you could come home Toot!
Toot: And give up all this? Screw that!
Clara: I’ll do what I can to make sure the others aren’t mean to you anymore!
Toot: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? How can you possibly do that when they’re even meaner to YOU sometimes?
Clara: I didn’t think of it that way. But if you come home, we can look out for each other!
Toot: Weeeeeell, I’ll have to think about it. Maybe my buddy Jesus will see what he can do. So, anyway, you want a pedicure?
Clara: Sure!
The woman finishes up with Toot and rolls the cart over to Clara. Toot blows on her nails, and takes the hunk of cheese from the woman who was holding it for her. Clara takes off her shoes and picks out a bottle of nail polish.
Toot: You know what? I wish the others could see us right now!
Cut to the living room of the Drawn Together house. Everyone is watching Big Brother, suddenly the screen goes to snow
Wooldoor: They’re heeerrre!
The screen changes to a shot of Heaven where we see Toot and Clara in the lap of luxury. The camera zooms in on Toot.
Toot: (Looks right at the camera) Hey guys! Sure sucks to be us right now? Hee hee! Not!
Clara: (off screen) Um, Toot, isn’t that kind of old?
Toot: Compared to what? (picks up a long cigarette holder) Hey Xandir! Look at me! I can smoke and drink and it doesn’t matter anymore now, does it? I can probably eat all this cheese, and LOSE weight! Hee hee!
Xandir: Omigod, omigod, how cool is that? She kills herself and look where she ends up? *I* wanna go there too! (Stands up and unsheathes his sword) Goodbye, cruel world!
Foxxy: Oh lawd, not THAT again!
Xandir kills himself, over and over again, this time the housemates look on, completely bored. This time it only takes 5 times before Xandir finally dies, seeing that he hasn’t been questing much lately to achieve the nifty life points.
Cut to hell. Xandir is now lying on the ledge Clara once stood. He wakes up and looks around.
Xandir: Hey! What the hell? Where the hell am I?
Deep voice behind Xandir: Oh, like I haven’t heard *that* one before. Cute.
Xandir turns and sees that he is face to face with Satan.
Satan: I am your god now.
Xandir: (falls to his knees) oh yes you are! Omigod! I can’t believe this! You are like, the biggest queen ever! Oh, and that fabulous song! Could you sing it again? Just for me? I can make you happy in ways Saddam NEVER could!
Satan: (smiling and moving closer to Xandir) I’m sure you could…(the camera pans up to contain just his smiling face, as we hear the sound of pants being undone)
Xandir: (offscreen) Sing for me, Satan…
THE END
Maury: What did Clara say to you?
Toot: Oh, she gave me some religious crap about how life is beautiful and suicide is never the answer, blah blah blah. To be honest, I didn't buy any of it, but I realized that if I still killed myself after all that, I'd never hear the end of it from her, and she wouldn't stop giving me grief about it for the rest of my life!
Toot: Oh, she gave me some religious crap about how life is beautiful and suicide is never the answer, blah blah blah. To be honest, I didn't buy any of it, but I realized that if I still killed myself after all that, I'd never hear the end of it from her, and she wouldn't stop giving me grief about it for the rest of my life!
See, I love this! I love how *they* realize that they never die, and it’s even funnier now to imagine Clara lecturing Toot in the very next episode, and perhaps a few more after that…but what if they *stayed* dead? And crossed over into...
Heaven or Hell?
The scene opens at the town cemetery. All the housemates except for Toot are gathered around a burial plot. They are all in black, and looking somber. Clara is crying, with her hands over her face. Xandir is holding a bundle of flowers.
Captain Hero: You know, I just don’t feel so bad for her.
Xandir: (tosses the flowers on the plot) She’s the lucky one.
Woodloor: This all seems vaguely familiar…
Foxxy: How’d you know, Wooldoor? The only funerals we’s been to are yours!
Captain Hero: Except for Captain Girl! (starts bawling)
Foxxy: Oh, come on, we all know she wasn’t for rrreal rrreal!
Captain Hero: (stops crying) Oh. Right.
Xandir: Like, does any one find it weird that she stayed dead this time?
Wooldoor: Maybe she had nine lives! Like a cat!
Spanky: Make that ninety-nine lives! But now that I think about it, you know we could have saved a lot of money and buried her in the backyard instead.
Ling-Ling: Ling –Ling already checked, there no space in backyard
Spanky: Oh? And why is that?
Ling-Ling: (a halo appears over his head) Ling-Ling no have clue.
Foxxy: Oh, surrrrrre you don’t, you’ve only killed her how many times? (begins to count her fingers)
Clara: (takes her hands from her face) This isn’t funny, you guys! The fact is, she’s dead. Permanently! I can’t even lecture her for killing herself! (breaks down crying again)
Foxxy: Yeeeaah, and that’s more important than, I dunno, just to be able to her sorry ass again!
Clara: I *do* want to see her again! And I will! I know exactly where she is! (she wiggles her nose and disappears in a puff of smoke)
Spanky: How the hell does she do that?
Foxxy: I dunno, it seems to work when she’s rrrrl pissed off about somethin’
Cut to Hell. It’s the same setting from South Park, Bigger, Longer and Uncut with fire breathing & farting dragons. We see Clara standing on one of the ledges.
Clara: Just wait till I get my hands on her! I’m sure she’s really sorry now, but she’ll be even sorrier once she hears what I have to say about all this!
Satan enters.
Clara: (frightened) Who are you?
Satan: Well, I don’t know how you got here, but it looks like - I am your god now.
Clara: (becoming indignant) What? There must be some mistake. The only God I serve – wait, I’m confused. Are you one of Satan’s minions who’s (looks him up and down) gotten a little too big for his britches?
Satan: *I* am Satan!
Clara: You can’t be! Satan is a creepy stalker guy who chases innocent girls all over their houses, forcing them to sign over their souls so that they can do unspeakable acts of evil like …..like….well, okay, I don’t know and I won’t know until the network decides to RUN the episode which won’t happen until South Park kicks off their, I don’t know, second half of their umpteenth season!!
Satan: (tauntingly) Oh, jealous much?
Clara: (hangs her head) No. I’m not. Jealousy is a sin. I’m just here to find my friend, Toot.
Satan: Sorry, she’s not here. (thinks) But I sure wish she was! Together we could be black and white…and red all over!
Clara: Ew! Wait, I thought you were gay!
Satan: Eh, depends on my mood (puts his thumb and forefinger to his mouth and whistles) Yoo-hoo! Mr. Nice Guy! One of your servants has gotten lost again!
The red swirling sky parts above their heads, making a hole like the eye of the storm. A flash of brilliant light shines through nearly blinding Clara and Satan. The light fades a bit and we see Jesus sticking his head through the hole.
Jesus: Clara?
Clara: (falls to her knees) Oh, Jesus!
Jesus: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, yeah, whatever, come along now. (He waves his hand, and a fluffy cloud appears next to her. She steps in, and it rises up to where Jesus is.
Cut to Heaven. We see Toot reclining on a chaise lounge, wearing a white gown and her hair is done up a la Anna Nicole from Freaks and Geeks. She is surrounded by tables loaded with trays of cheese in every variety, chocolate in every variety, and various fried appetizers and champagne. She is eating a hunk of cheese and reading a book. After a moment she looks up.
Toot: Yeesh, it’s too quiet! Hey, how about some jazz?
We hear Kenny G playing his sax.
Toot: Oh please! This is boring (the music changes to something more 1920s Charleston style) That’s better.
A woman in a spa uniform rolling a cart loaded with nail products pulls up next to Toot.
Woman: What color would you like, miss?
Toot: Ooh, I get a color? There’s a first! Usually I have to cut myself to get a color! (She sits up and begins sorting through the bottles of nail polish, as the woman prepares a little table and a basin for a manicure/pedicure. She picks a bright pink polish, and the woman starts to take the book from her)
Toot: You would what would be great? If I could eat and read *while* I’m getting my nails done. (suddenly two more women show up. One takes the book to hold it open so that Toot can read it, and the other holds the hunk of cheese so that she’s able to take bites from it.)
Toot: (mouth slightly full) Now thaaaa’s better! (swallows) But there’s only one thing missing (a man shows up and begins to rub Toot’s shoulders) Wow! I didn’t even have to finish the thought!
Jesus and Clara enter the scene. Clara is in shock at the sight of Toot. Jesus holds out both hands in a presentational gesture.
Jesus: Here she is, my child. You have only ten minutes with her before I send you home again.
Clara: How is that she’s HERE? She killed herself, remember?
Jesus: Hey, sometimes my Dad doesn’t tell me everything, you know. (He shrugs his shoulders and leaves)
Clara: (very angry) This isn’t fair!
Toot: Nyah, nyah! Jealous much?
Clara: PLEASE don’t say that, and if I am (looks wistfully to where Jesus has departed) would it even matter?
Toot: (motions for the shoulder massager to stop so she can lean back against the pillows) Never thought I’d see the day that I would have it better than you – and wow, Clara, here we are!
Clara: I can’t believe this! I thought it was understood that – well, I just can’t believe this. Toot, I went looking for you in hell-
Toot: oooh, what so you can lecture me about what the good book says? Looks like that book is missing some pages there, princess!
Clara: (flustered) But…but
Toot: Yeah, you better sit down before you hurt yourself. (A lazy boy chair appears behind Clara) Since you’ve only got ten minutes, and seeing that your ranting takes, oh, I don’t know, just a bit looooonger than that, you might as well sit down, shut up, and relax
Clara looks at the chair and sits down.
Toot: Cool, huh? You know, this is waaaay better then the Nursing Home! (Clara reclines back in the chair and sighs).
Clara: (shakes her head) I guess I was wrong. But I still wish you hadn’t done it! We…we miss you, Toot.
Toot: (waves her newly manicured hand in dismissal) Yeah, right.
Clara: (tearfully) Well, *I* do.
Toot: You do?
Clara nods and wipes her eyes.
Toot: Wow, Clara, I never thought you cared so much! (Clara nods eagerly) (The Charleston music stops, and Barry White music starts in) And now I better shut up before some fan fic writers start taking this somewhere else again. (Barry White music suddenly stops) But at least they didn’t crap all over the English language like someone ELSE does! (Charleston music starts in again) But you know what? I’d hate for you to leave so soon. If you promise not to start lecturing about how things aren’t supposed to be what they are…I’ll wish for you to stay awhile.
Clara: I’d like that, Toot. And I promise!
Toot: But of course, hasn’t it occurred to you that you *could* go back home to your castle and have pretty much what I have here?
Clara: Toot, I thought I told you that the castle was boring and lonely. I didn’t have any brothers or sisters there, and now I have you guys, well minus one. I wish you could come home Toot!
Toot: And give up all this? Screw that!
Clara: I’ll do what I can to make sure the others aren’t mean to you anymore!
Toot: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? How can you possibly do that when they’re even meaner to YOU sometimes?
Clara: I didn’t think of it that way. But if you come home, we can look out for each other!
Toot: Weeeeeell, I’ll have to think about it. Maybe my buddy Jesus will see what he can do. So, anyway, you want a pedicure?
Clara: Sure!
The woman finishes up with Toot and rolls the cart over to Clara. Toot blows on her nails, and takes the hunk of cheese from the woman who was holding it for her. Clara takes off her shoes and picks out a bottle of nail polish.
Toot: You know what? I wish the others could see us right now!
Cut to the living room of the Drawn Together house. Everyone is watching Big Brother, suddenly the screen goes to snow
Wooldoor: They’re heeerrre!
The screen changes to a shot of Heaven where we see Toot and Clara in the lap of luxury. The camera zooms in on Toot.
Toot: (Looks right at the camera) Hey guys! Sure sucks to be us right now? Hee hee! Not!
Clara: (off screen) Um, Toot, isn’t that kind of old?
Toot: Compared to what? (picks up a long cigarette holder) Hey Xandir! Look at me! I can smoke and drink and it doesn’t matter anymore now, does it? I can probably eat all this cheese, and LOSE weight! Hee hee!
Xandir: Omigod, omigod, how cool is that? She kills herself and look where she ends up? *I* wanna go there too! (Stands up and unsheathes his sword) Goodbye, cruel world!
Foxxy: Oh lawd, not THAT again!
Xandir kills himself, over and over again, this time the housemates look on, completely bored. This time it only takes 5 times before Xandir finally dies, seeing that he hasn’t been questing much lately to achieve the nifty life points.
Cut to hell. Xandir is now lying on the ledge Clara once stood. He wakes up and looks around.
Xandir: Hey! What the hell? Where the hell am I?
Deep voice behind Xandir: Oh, like I haven’t heard *that* one before. Cute.
Xandir turns and sees that he is face to face with Satan.
Satan: I am your god now.
Xandir: (falls to his knees) oh yes you are! Omigod! I can’t believe this! You are like, the biggest queen ever! Oh, and that fabulous song! Could you sing it again? Just for me? I can make you happy in ways Saddam NEVER could!
Satan: (smiling and moving closer to Xandir) I’m sure you could…(the camera pans up to contain just his smiling face, as we hear the sound of pants being undone)
Xandir: (offscreen) Sing for me, Satan…
THE END