Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jul 27, 2007 0:08:14 GMT -5
MOVIE NIGHT
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of a street in the city. The camera then cuts to a closeup shot of one of the storefronts. We see the name of the store, Drawn Together Video. The scene then changes to inside the store, where we see the housemates, scattered across several different sections, trying to pick out a movie. Cut to Clara, Spanky, and Wooldoor browsing through the family section.
Clara: (holds out a movie to Wooldoor) How about this one, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Ooh, that looks like fun! I love cartoons!
Spanky: You don't want to watch a Disney movie, do you, Wooldoor? You want to watch something COOL! Right?
Wooldoor: Right, Spanky! I want to be cool like you! (Wooldoor turns to Clara.) That movie's for kids, Clara! I wanna see something cool!
Clara: What? You don't think the Little Mermaid is cool? That's one of my all-time favorite movies!
Wooldoor: (to Spanky) Clara says that movie IS cool, Spanky!
Spanky: Does it have any nudity in it?
Wooldoor: (to Clara) Does it have any nudity in it?
Clara: Of course not! (Spanky shakes his head.)
Wooldoor: Sorry, Clara. Spanky says a movie isn't cool unless it has some nudity in it!
Clara: Oh. Then in that case, Wooldoor, maybe you two should go browse the hardcore pornographic films over in the corner! (She gestures toward the corner. Spanky and Wooldoor are both shocked.) Why don't you two go over there and see if you can't find something you'd like even better?
Wooldoor: Oh, my God!
Spanky: She's actually going to let us look at the porn films!
Wooldoor: I'll race you there, Spanky!
Like a light, Wooldoor and Spanky immediately take off for the porn section in the corner. Foxxy steps around the aisle and comes up to Clara.
Foxxy: Clara... did I just hear you right? Did you really tell Wooldoor that he could go look at the porno films with Spanky?
Clara: That's right, Foxxy, I did.
Foxxy: (eyes Clara skeptically) All right, Clara, whatchoo trying to pull here? Is you trying to play a joke on the Foxxy?
Clara: Not at all!
Foxxy: So really, Clara- why did you of all people send Wooldoor and Spanky over to look at the porn movies?
Clara: Foxxy, do the words "scared straight" mean anything to you?
Foxxy: What do you mean?
At that moment, we hear a blood-curdling scream from over in the corner. Wooldoor comes running past Clara and Foxxy scared out of his mind!
Wooldoor: Oh, my God!
Wooldoor passes Clara and Foxxy. Spanky follows right on Wooldoor's heels.
Spanky: I saw things! Horrible things!
Spanky quickly shudders, then runs back off again. Wooldoor comes running back into the aisle where Clara and Foxxy stand. Wooldoor, still cowering in fear, grabs onto Clara's legs and begins pulling at her dress.
Wooldoor: Oh, my God, Clara! It... it was awful!
Clara: There, there, Wooldoor... what did you see?
Wooldoor: I saw naked peepees! Being stuck into other men's... (Too scared to say the words, he points to his own ass.) Naked peepees, Clara! Naked peepees!
Clara: That's okay, Wooldoor. I'm sorry, I guess I sent you to the gay section by mistake! You gonna be okay?
Wooldoor: I don't know, Clara... I don't know. A part of me will never be back... a part of me is gone forever...
Clara: You feel like renting a good family movie now?
Wooldoor: (still very much frightened) Yes.
Clara: So what do you want to rent? The Little Mermaid?
Wooldoor: Does The Little Mermaid have any peepees in it?
Clara: No, Wooldoor, that's only a rumor. There are no peepees in The Little Mermaid.
Wooldoor: Then that's what I want to watch!
Clara: Good boy! Now you go get Spanky and then we'll go find the others, okay?
Wooldoor: Okay!
Wooldoor leaves. Foxxy turns to Clara.
Foxxy: Clara?
Clara: Yes, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Please forgive me if this sounds like I'm talking down to you, but... how in the hell did YOU know where the gay porno films are?
Clara stands there looking innocent. Suddenly Xandir walks up to them.
Xandir: Hey, you guys! Do you know what's up with Spanky and Wooldoor? I thought you sent them over to where I was to come get me, but as soon as they got there, they turned around and ran away screaming!
Foxxy gives Clara a knowing look. Clara shrugs.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes back to the video store. Hero, Toot, and Ling-Ling are browsing another section.
Hero: (shows Toot a video box) How about this one?
Toot: No.
Hero: (puts box back and grabs another one to show Toot) How about this one?
Toot: No!
Hero: (puts box back and shows Toot yet another one) How about this one?
Toot: (growing slightly impatient) No!
Hero: Goddammit, woman, I keep showing you movie after movie and you keep saying no to all of them! What's it going to take to please you?
Toot: You showing me something besides Die Hard! Seriously, Hero, you've just shown me three different copies of the same movie! You think if you keep grabbing every copy they have, eventually you'll find the magic copy that'll make me change my opinion?
Hero: I just think you're being a bit hasty, that's all. What have you got against Die Hard?
Toot: Nothing at all! It's just that you rent it so freaking often, I've practically got the whole script memorized!
Hero: (excited) You do? Let's act out some scenes, then! I'll be John McClane, you be Hans Gruber! Ling-Ling, you can be the Asian guy that gets killed in the first scene! (Toot and Ling-Ling both give Hero stern looks.) Guys? (They continue to look at him. Hero turns away, mildly annoyed.) Foxxy would have roleplayed it with me!
Toot: Yeah, well, you start shagging me every night and I'll be more amenable to your silliness.
Hero: It's a deal! (Toot rolls her eyes. Hero grabs another movie off the shelf and turns around and shows it to Toot.) How about this movie, then? (Toot's face lights up.)
Toot: Oh, my God! Now THAT is a movie I would really like to see! Good job, Hero, you finally picked a good one!
Hero: I did? (Toot nods. Hero holds up the box.) I showed you Die Hard again! I guess I found the magic copy!
Toot: I know. I was being sarcastic.
The rest of the housemates appear at the end of the aisle and walk down to join Hero, Toot, and Ling-Ling.
Toot: Hey, you guys! Did you find anything good?
Spanky: We sure did! Look!
Spanky holds up a video box. He is holding Die Hard as well. Toot scowls.
Toot: Die Hard AGAIN? What is it with you guys and Die Hard???
Hero: (to Spanky) Good pick, dude!
Toot: Ugh!
Clara: Well, you guys can have your silly action movie if you want, but Wooldoor and I are renting The Little Mermaid!
Hero: The Little Mermaid, eh? I could get behind that! That Ariel was one fine piece of fish tail, if you don't mind me saying!
Clara: Would it make a difference if I did?
Hero: Oh yeah, that Ariel was niiiiiice! Why, if she was real instead of a cartoon, I'd-
Toot: What are you talking about, Hero? Ariel IS real!
Spanky: No, she isn't, Toot. She's a movie character!
Toot: But she HAS to be real! She's been on our show! Wait... I'm confused now. Ariel is real... but she's a movie character, too? Clara, how is that even possible?
Clara: It's very simple, you guys. Obviously, Ariel is real, and the film was a biopic! (Everyone nods understandingly.)
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhh. I get it now!
Hero: So mermaids ARE real, then! (eagerly) That opens up some VERY interesting possibilities! (He begins rubbing his hands together.)
Clara: What is it with guys and mermaids, anyway?
Hero: Mermaids are sexy, Clara, don't you know? Those seashell bras they wear... right on top of their pert little mermaid boobies... oh, there's so many things I'd love to do to one of those mermaid women!
Clara: Hero, you realize you couldn't actually have sex with one, right? You know, given that they lack woman parts?
Hero: Oh, I'll find a way!
Foxxy: Clara, being practical has never gotten in the way of any of Hero's fantasies. And I should know!
Clara: Well, Hero, if you're intent on scoring with a mermaid, you'll have to find someone else. Ariel's off the market now. And besides, she isn't a mermaid anymore, anyway.
Hero: (disappointed) She isn't? Awwwww!
Clara: Yes, she's human now. Why does that disappoint you?
Hero: I just like the mermaids, that's all!
Clara: Well, I for one am really happy for Ariel's transformation!
Xandir: Why is that, Clara?
Clara: If you saw the movie, you'd be happy for her too! For Ariel, becoming human is the fulfillment of all her dreams... it's her attainment of true love... it's the freedom to go wherever she wants and do however she pleases... it's her realization of her own indepedence and her own womanhood! Plus, now that she has feet, she can wear sandals and get pedicures!
Foxxy: Anyway, you guys, I think we's dawdled in here long enough.
Hero: Foxxy! What Xandir does in the gay porn section is his own business!
Foxxy: No, Hero, I mean that we need to get going. So does everyone have the movies they're gonna rent?
Spanky: I think so. Hero's got Die Hard, the babies have their kiddie movie, and Xandir's got gay porn. How about you, Ling-Ling? Are you getting anything?
Ling-Ling: (mildly annoyed) Ling-Ling want to rent new movie that just come out, it sequel to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. it called Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger. Tables turned in this one!
Spanky: So why don't you go get it?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling go look for it, but someone grab last copy before he get there!
Clara: Awwww, that's a shame, Ling-Ling! (She sees Toot is holding a video box.) Hey, Toot, what movie are you getting?
Toot: (nervous, quickly hides movie behind back) Um, nothing, Clara! Just some stupid little movie none of you would care anything about watching!
Clara: I would LOVE to share your movie with you, Toot! Unless it's porn. It's not porn, is it?
Toot: Yeah. Sorry, Clara, it's porn. So I guess that means I don't have to show anybody what it is!
Hero: You're renting porn, Toot? I'll watch it with you!
Spanky: So will I!
Wooldoor: So will I!
Toot: Um... it's gay porn.
Hero: Lesbian porn, eh? Nice! Why don't we watch it and then roleplay some of our favorite scenes?
Toot: No, not lesbians. Gay men!
Wooldoor: (freaks out) Aaaaaaggggh! (He grabs onto Clara's legs again.)
Clara: That's not funny, Toot!
Toot: Who's joking?
Foxxy: So you mean to tell us that you're really planning on watching two men get it on with each other?
Xandir: Two men? God, Toot, if you're going to rent SOFTCORE porn, why even bother?
Toot: And why shouldn't I? Men love watching lesbians have sex with each other! It only stands to reason that women should like to watch men get it on!
Clara: They should? I'm scared... Ling-Ling, hold me!
As Clara begins to cower, Ling-Ling jumps in her arms and hugs her.
Foxxy: Oh, come off it, Toot! You and I both know you don't have any interest in watching two mens do the horizontal shimmy! You talk a dirty game, but deep down, you almost as vanilla as Clara!
Toot: Really? You think I'm vanilla?
Spanky: Don't listen to her, Toot. Foxxy thinks Madonna is vanilla!
Foxxy: Be that as it may... Toot, if you don't want us to know what movie y'all's renting, that's your business. Just tell us you don't want us to know and I promise we'll leave y'all alone!
Toot: I don't want you to know.
Foxxy nods. She looks at Toot for a moment. Toot looks back. Foxxy then jumps on Toot, engaging her in a struggle to see the video box she is holding.
Foxxy: Show me that box, bitch!
Toot (in confessional): Like, who didn't see THAT coming?
Cut back to the store. Foxxy and Toot are now engaged in a struggle. Hero and Spanky are very pleased.
Spanky: Wow... this is nice! A catfight right in the middle of the video store! I don't think I even need to rent that lesbo film now!
Foxxy has Toot pinned to the ground. She reaches behind her. Toot tries her best to resist, but Foxxy is too strong for her.
Foxxy: All right, let's see what you was so keen on hiding from all of us!
Foxxy grabs the video box from Toot. She stands up and shows it to the rest of the housemates.
Foxxy: Well, I'll be damned! (The camera zooms in on the front cover of the box.) Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger!
Ling-Ling: So YOU'RE filthy bastard who steal Ling-Ling's movie! Prepare to die, land whale! (He assumes a martial arts stance. Toot is frightened.)
Cut to a chasm somewhere in Asia. A single log lies across the chasm connecting the two sides. We see Ling-Ling and Toot standing at each end of the log dressed as the two characters from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Each is holding a long sword and posing in a fighting stance.
Ling-Ling: You bring dishonor to Ling family by stealing honorable movie!
Toot: Oh yeah? Well, Ling family just have to get over it!
Ling-Ling: Confucius say she who take Ling-Ling video get sword wrong way up honorable ass!
Toot: Oh yeah? Well, Toot Braunstein say something else Chinese something or other! And I'll kick your ass!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling kill you now!
Ling-Ling moves in toward Toot and swings his sword at her. Toot jumps in the air, turns invisible, and comes back down on the other side of Ling-Ling where she becomes visible again. Ling-Ling turns and faces her angrily.
Toot: Ha ha ha! Missed me missed me, now you've gotta- wait. Ling-Ling, we shouldn't be fighting like this!
Ling-Ling: You right, land whale. Ling-Ling and Toot should settle differences like adults. Not by doing some silly movie spoof!
Toot: Yeah!
Cut back to the video store.
Toot: Okay, Ling-Ling. I guess we can watch the movie together!
Ling-Ling: (eyes Toot skeptically) Well... on one condition.
Toot: What's that?
Ling-Ling: Land whale promise not to hog all the popcorn.
Everyone begins laughing. They continue laughing for several seconds.
Spanky: (interrupting, but still laughing) So why are we all laughing so hard? That line wasn't that funny!
Clara: No, but it served a purpose!
Xandir: It got us out of the scene!
Spanky: Good point! (Everyone goes back to laughing. The scene fades to black.)
Spanky (in confessional): So anyway, we all ended up getting different movies. But then came the hard part- deciding which one to watch FIRST!
Foxxy: So what are we going to watch first, y'all?
Wooldoor: Little Mermaid!
Hero: Die Hard!
Toot: Crouching Hidden... whatever that was!
Xandir: Hey, how about we watch MY movie first, guys?
Clara: You mean your gay porn movie? You want us all to watch that together?
Wooldoor: (freaks out again) Aaaaaaggggh! (He grabs onto Clara's legs again.)
Clara: Wooldoor, would you stop that? You're going to stretch my dress out! If I'd known you were going to be doing that all day, I would have worn shorts today!
Wooldoor: Really? (Suddenly, he has a sexy look in his eyes.) So you like the feeling of Sockbat touching your bare legs?
Clara: (confused) Um... (turns to Foxxy) Was that a come-on? (Foxxy nods. Clara turns to Wooldoor still somewhat confused.) Wooldoor, no offense, but... please don't ever do that again. It's creepy!
Wooldoor: (suddenly happy again) Okay! (He lets go of Clara's legs.)
Xandir: So does this mean we're not going to watch my movie?
Clara: Xandir... if we watch a gay porn movie with you... you're going to want to... do things to yourself. Do you really want all of us sitting here watching you while you do that?
Xandir: Why not? You might learn a thing or two!
Clara: In this case, I'd say ignorance is definitely bliss!
Hero: You think you're better at it than me, Xandir?
Xandir: I don't know... I *am* pretty damn good!
Hero: There's only one way to settle this. We'll have a contest. The rest of you guys can be the judges!
Clara: Oh my God, it's like, the worst contest ever!
Toot: Hey, I just realized something! Last week, we were having a contest to see who could go the longest without doing it, and this week we're doing the exact opposite! Isn't that ironic?
Clara: No! Cause we're doing no such thing! Hero, Xandir... put those things away. I think for the sake of everyone's hormones, we'd better watch The Little Mermaid first.
Hero: (moaning) Ohhhhhh... Ariel...
Clara: Never mind! Ling-Ling, let's watch YOUR movie first.
Toot: Excuse me! Favoritism!
Spanky: Toot, you want to watch the same movie!
Toot: Oh, yeah.
Foxxy: Actually, I think that's a good idea. I think Crouching Something Hidden Something Else would be a great choice for a movie for all of us to watch together. I mean, it's got something for everybody! It's got action, comedy, romance...
Spanky: Yeah, but no nudity! Spanky wants to watch a movie with nudity!
Xandir: Then we'll watch MY movie! It's got LOTS of nudity!
Spanky: Crouching Dragon it is!
Clara: So it's settled! We'll start with Crouching Dragon Hidden... other thing. Ling-Ling- pop the disc in the player!
Ling-Ling gets up and puts the disc in the player, then goes back and sits down on Clara's lap. The housemates look at the TV in anticipation. The movie begins. Immediately, however, the eagerness leaves everyone's faces. They all stare at the screen with expressions ranging from confused to horrified.
Wooldoor freaks out and grabs onto Clara's legs again. Clara shrieks, then immediately slaps her hand over her eyes to block her view of the screen.
Clara: Sack dress! Someone get me my sack dress, please!
Spanky: The horror... the horror!
Xandir: (quickly getting up) Oops! I guess they accidentally put MY disc in the Crouching Dragon case by mistake! (He ejects the disc, then turns to the others.) Are you sure you don't want to watch this?
Everyone: Yes!!!
Xandir returns the porn disc to its correct case, then puts the correct disc in the player. The housemates sit back. The program begins.
Announcer: (on TV) Coming soon to a theater near you! (Everyone is irritated.)
Hero: Oh, man!
Toot: I forgot about the damn previews!
Spanky: It's okay, we can just fast forward through them! (He turns to Clara.) Here, give me the remote!
Wooldoor: (getting up) No! I wanna watch them!
Clara: You want to watch the previews?
Wooldoor: Yeah, I love the previews! The previews are the best part! We can watch the previews, and it'll be just like actually being in the theater!
Spanky: Oh, so you want it to be just like the theater, huh? (Wooldoor nods enthusiastically.) Then in that case, we'd better change a few things. Come on, guys, we need to recreate the theater experience for Wooldoor!
Toot: Ooh! I'll be the loudmouth who sits next to you crunching popcorn too loudly! (She begins munching popcorn.)
Clara: I'll be the idiot jabbering on a cell phone! (She gets out her cell phone and begins talking on it.)
Hero: Foxxy and I can be the hormone-crazed teenagers making out with each other! (They begin making out.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling be the annoying person who keeps asking friend what going on in movie! (He turns to Toot.) So is that guy bad guy? I thought he kill that other guy! Is he not with other bad guy? Or is other guy good guy?
Spanky: And I'll be the disgruntled malcontent who sits back and bitches about everyone else!
Wooldoor: This is great! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Xandir: What can I do, Spanky?
Spanky: Xandir, you can be the loser who gets to the movie late and annoys everyone else climbing over them to find a seat!
Xandir: Okay! (He gets out of his seat and walks to the other side of the room. He then climbs over the others trying to get to his seat.)
Foxxy: Hey, watch it!
Clara: Do you mind?
Toot: I'm eating here!
Xandir: Sorry! (He reaches his seat and sits down in it.)
Spanky: Oh, wait, I almost forgot! Someone's got to be the person who always talks back to the movie!
Wooldoor: Ooh! I'll do it! I'll do it!
Spanky: Go to it, my man!
Wooldoor: (begins talking to movie) Hey there, movie! How's it going? My name's Wooldoor! What's yours? (He pauses.) So what's it like being a movie? Is it fun?
Foxxy: (stops making out with Hero and walks over to Wooldoor) No, no, no, Wooldoor! That's not how you talk to a movie! Watch, I'll show you. (She turns to the movie.) No! Don't go in there! Oh, you stupid fools, I told yo' dumb ass not to go in there! (She turns back to Wooldoor.) You see?
Wooldoor: Ohhhhh. Yeah, Foxxy, now I get it!
Spanky: Well, you guys... I think we're set! The only thing left to do now is... watch the movie!
Wooldoor: Good idea, Spanky! Let's watch!
Everyone immediately turns their attention back to the movie.
Announcer: (on TV) Coming soon to a theater near you! (Everyone is irritated again.)
Toot: Aw, man! I was hoping by the time we finished that little skit, the previews would be over!
Clara: Some movies have lots of previews!
The TV shows the interior of an abandoned warehouse. A very disgruntled and disheveled looking Bruce Willis walks through the ruins brandishing an Uzi.
Hero: Oh my God! That's Bruce Willis! Does this mean they're making another Die Hard movie?
Announcer: Bruce Willis doesn't like terrorists!
Toot: Well, who does?
Announcer: That's why... (the voice suddenly becomes more energetic)... he quit his boring terrorist-hunting job and took over the lease on an abandoned warehouse... where he could live out his dream... of opening up his own public library! (Bruce surveys the ruins and nods appreciately.)
Bruce: This place will be perfect! (He points.) The reference section can go right over here!
Announcer: (tone becomes menacing again) But when he began exploring the place... he discovered something he hadn't counted on!
Hero: (eagerly) Terrorists!
Announcer: Love!
The guys are visibly disappointed.
Cut back to the movie. We see Bruce walking over to a desk. We see Natalie Portman working behind it. She is wearing glasses.
Bruce: Excuse me. I didn't think there was supposed to be anybody else here.
Natalie: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that I heard there was going to be a library built here, so I thought I'd come down and apply for a job. It's always been my dream to be a librarian, you see.
Bruce: A librarian? Why would a young lady like yourself want to be a librarian? Surely you'd rather be out with your boyfriend!
Natalie: I don't have a boyfriend. As I'm sure you can tell, I'm very homely.
Bruce: Maybe now you are. But I think I just might know how to turn this ugly duckling into a beautiful swan!
Natalie: How?
Bruce: Like this!
He reaches out and takes off Natalie's glasses. The camera cuts to a closeup of Natalie's face. It looks exactly the same as before, only without the glasses.
Bruce: (holding up a mirror) Take a look!
Natalie: (looks in mirror and is overcome) Oh, my God... I'm beautiful!
Bruce: You want to go out sometime? We can debate the nature of love vs. friendship and you can pretend to have an orgasm in the restaurant!
Natalie: Oh, yes!
Cut back to the housemates. Everyone except Wooldoor is extraordinarily bored.
Wooldoor: (excited) Oh, my God, you guys! We have GOT to go see that!
Spanky: Are you kidding? It's got chick flick written all over it!
Cut to Bruce and Natalie driving through the countryside. Bruce has his arm draped around Natalie's shoulders.
Announcer: It's Bruce Willis and Natalie Portman starring in... a romantic comedy... with CAR CHASES!!!
Bruce immediately lets go of Natalie and puts the pedal to the floor.
Natalie: What are you doing? Why are you suddenly driving so fast?
Bruce: That guy in that car is a terrorist. If I don't catch up to him... he'll kill me! And if I'm dead, we won't be able to open up that library together... or have children!
Bruce and Natalie proceed to lock lips in a passionate kiss. Bruce then returns to the wheel and begins driving Bullitt-style. Natalie grabs Bruce's Uzi, then leans out the window and begins shooting everywhere.
Announcer: Bruce Willis and Natalie Portman are... (The title graphic appears on the screen. The announcer reads it.) "In Hot Pursuit"! (The caption "of love" quickly appears at the bottom of the screen.) "Of Love"!
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of a street in the city. The camera then cuts to a closeup shot of one of the storefronts. We see the name of the store, Drawn Together Video. The scene then changes to inside the store, where we see the housemates, scattered across several different sections, trying to pick out a movie. Cut to Clara, Spanky, and Wooldoor browsing through the family section.
Clara: (holds out a movie to Wooldoor) How about this one, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Ooh, that looks like fun! I love cartoons!
Spanky: You don't want to watch a Disney movie, do you, Wooldoor? You want to watch something COOL! Right?
Wooldoor: Right, Spanky! I want to be cool like you! (Wooldoor turns to Clara.) That movie's for kids, Clara! I wanna see something cool!
Clara: What? You don't think the Little Mermaid is cool? That's one of my all-time favorite movies!
Wooldoor: (to Spanky) Clara says that movie IS cool, Spanky!
Spanky: Does it have any nudity in it?
Wooldoor: (to Clara) Does it have any nudity in it?
Clara: Of course not! (Spanky shakes his head.)
Wooldoor: Sorry, Clara. Spanky says a movie isn't cool unless it has some nudity in it!
Clara: Oh. Then in that case, Wooldoor, maybe you two should go browse the hardcore pornographic films over in the corner! (She gestures toward the corner. Spanky and Wooldoor are both shocked.) Why don't you two go over there and see if you can't find something you'd like even better?
Wooldoor: Oh, my God!
Spanky: She's actually going to let us look at the porn films!
Wooldoor: I'll race you there, Spanky!
Like a light, Wooldoor and Spanky immediately take off for the porn section in the corner. Foxxy steps around the aisle and comes up to Clara.
Foxxy: Clara... did I just hear you right? Did you really tell Wooldoor that he could go look at the porno films with Spanky?
Clara: That's right, Foxxy, I did.
Foxxy: (eyes Clara skeptically) All right, Clara, whatchoo trying to pull here? Is you trying to play a joke on the Foxxy?
Clara: Not at all!
Foxxy: So really, Clara- why did you of all people send Wooldoor and Spanky over to look at the porn movies?
Clara: Foxxy, do the words "scared straight" mean anything to you?
Foxxy: What do you mean?
At that moment, we hear a blood-curdling scream from over in the corner. Wooldoor comes running past Clara and Foxxy scared out of his mind!
Wooldoor: Oh, my God!
Wooldoor passes Clara and Foxxy. Spanky follows right on Wooldoor's heels.
Spanky: I saw things! Horrible things!
Spanky quickly shudders, then runs back off again. Wooldoor comes running back into the aisle where Clara and Foxxy stand. Wooldoor, still cowering in fear, grabs onto Clara's legs and begins pulling at her dress.
Wooldoor: Oh, my God, Clara! It... it was awful!
Clara: There, there, Wooldoor... what did you see?
Wooldoor: I saw naked peepees! Being stuck into other men's... (Too scared to say the words, he points to his own ass.) Naked peepees, Clara! Naked peepees!
Clara: That's okay, Wooldoor. I'm sorry, I guess I sent you to the gay section by mistake! You gonna be okay?
Wooldoor: I don't know, Clara... I don't know. A part of me will never be back... a part of me is gone forever...
Clara: You feel like renting a good family movie now?
Wooldoor: (still very much frightened) Yes.
Clara: So what do you want to rent? The Little Mermaid?
Wooldoor: Does The Little Mermaid have any peepees in it?
Clara: No, Wooldoor, that's only a rumor. There are no peepees in The Little Mermaid.
Wooldoor: Then that's what I want to watch!
Clara: Good boy! Now you go get Spanky and then we'll go find the others, okay?
Wooldoor: Okay!
Wooldoor leaves. Foxxy turns to Clara.
Foxxy: Clara?
Clara: Yes, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Please forgive me if this sounds like I'm talking down to you, but... how in the hell did YOU know where the gay porno films are?
Clara stands there looking innocent. Suddenly Xandir walks up to them.
Xandir: Hey, you guys! Do you know what's up with Spanky and Wooldoor? I thought you sent them over to where I was to come get me, but as soon as they got there, they turned around and ran away screaming!
Foxxy gives Clara a knowing look. Clara shrugs.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes back to the video store. Hero, Toot, and Ling-Ling are browsing another section.
Hero: (shows Toot a video box) How about this one?
Toot: No.
Hero: (puts box back and grabs another one to show Toot) How about this one?
Toot: No!
Hero: (puts box back and shows Toot yet another one) How about this one?
Toot: (growing slightly impatient) No!
Hero: Goddammit, woman, I keep showing you movie after movie and you keep saying no to all of them! What's it going to take to please you?
Toot: You showing me something besides Die Hard! Seriously, Hero, you've just shown me three different copies of the same movie! You think if you keep grabbing every copy they have, eventually you'll find the magic copy that'll make me change my opinion?
Hero: I just think you're being a bit hasty, that's all. What have you got against Die Hard?
Toot: Nothing at all! It's just that you rent it so freaking often, I've practically got the whole script memorized!
Hero: (excited) You do? Let's act out some scenes, then! I'll be John McClane, you be Hans Gruber! Ling-Ling, you can be the Asian guy that gets killed in the first scene! (Toot and Ling-Ling both give Hero stern looks.) Guys? (They continue to look at him. Hero turns away, mildly annoyed.) Foxxy would have roleplayed it with me!
Toot: Yeah, well, you start shagging me every night and I'll be more amenable to your silliness.
Hero: It's a deal! (Toot rolls her eyes. Hero grabs another movie off the shelf and turns around and shows it to Toot.) How about this movie, then? (Toot's face lights up.)
Toot: Oh, my God! Now THAT is a movie I would really like to see! Good job, Hero, you finally picked a good one!
Hero: I did? (Toot nods. Hero holds up the box.) I showed you Die Hard again! I guess I found the magic copy!
Toot: I know. I was being sarcastic.
The rest of the housemates appear at the end of the aisle and walk down to join Hero, Toot, and Ling-Ling.
Toot: Hey, you guys! Did you find anything good?
Spanky: We sure did! Look!
Spanky holds up a video box. He is holding Die Hard as well. Toot scowls.
Toot: Die Hard AGAIN? What is it with you guys and Die Hard???
Hero: (to Spanky) Good pick, dude!
Toot: Ugh!
Clara: Well, you guys can have your silly action movie if you want, but Wooldoor and I are renting The Little Mermaid!
Hero: The Little Mermaid, eh? I could get behind that! That Ariel was one fine piece of fish tail, if you don't mind me saying!
Clara: Would it make a difference if I did?
Hero: Oh yeah, that Ariel was niiiiiice! Why, if she was real instead of a cartoon, I'd-
Toot: What are you talking about, Hero? Ariel IS real!
Spanky: No, she isn't, Toot. She's a movie character!
Toot: But she HAS to be real! She's been on our show! Wait... I'm confused now. Ariel is real... but she's a movie character, too? Clara, how is that even possible?
Clara: It's very simple, you guys. Obviously, Ariel is real, and the film was a biopic! (Everyone nods understandingly.)
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhh. I get it now!
Hero: So mermaids ARE real, then! (eagerly) That opens up some VERY interesting possibilities! (He begins rubbing his hands together.)
Clara: What is it with guys and mermaids, anyway?
Hero: Mermaids are sexy, Clara, don't you know? Those seashell bras they wear... right on top of their pert little mermaid boobies... oh, there's so many things I'd love to do to one of those mermaid women!
Clara: Hero, you realize you couldn't actually have sex with one, right? You know, given that they lack woman parts?
Hero: Oh, I'll find a way!
Foxxy: Clara, being practical has never gotten in the way of any of Hero's fantasies. And I should know!
Clara: Well, Hero, if you're intent on scoring with a mermaid, you'll have to find someone else. Ariel's off the market now. And besides, she isn't a mermaid anymore, anyway.
Hero: (disappointed) She isn't? Awwwww!
Clara: Yes, she's human now. Why does that disappoint you?
Hero: I just like the mermaids, that's all!
Clara: Well, I for one am really happy for Ariel's transformation!
Xandir: Why is that, Clara?
Clara: If you saw the movie, you'd be happy for her too! For Ariel, becoming human is the fulfillment of all her dreams... it's her attainment of true love... it's the freedom to go wherever she wants and do however she pleases... it's her realization of her own indepedence and her own womanhood! Plus, now that she has feet, she can wear sandals and get pedicures!
Foxxy: Anyway, you guys, I think we's dawdled in here long enough.
Hero: Foxxy! What Xandir does in the gay porn section is his own business!
Foxxy: No, Hero, I mean that we need to get going. So does everyone have the movies they're gonna rent?
Spanky: I think so. Hero's got Die Hard, the babies have their kiddie movie, and Xandir's got gay porn. How about you, Ling-Ling? Are you getting anything?
Ling-Ling: (mildly annoyed) Ling-Ling want to rent new movie that just come out, it sequel to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. it called Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger. Tables turned in this one!
Spanky: So why don't you go get it?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling go look for it, but someone grab last copy before he get there!
Clara: Awwww, that's a shame, Ling-Ling! (She sees Toot is holding a video box.) Hey, Toot, what movie are you getting?
Toot: (nervous, quickly hides movie behind back) Um, nothing, Clara! Just some stupid little movie none of you would care anything about watching!
Clara: I would LOVE to share your movie with you, Toot! Unless it's porn. It's not porn, is it?
Toot: Yeah. Sorry, Clara, it's porn. So I guess that means I don't have to show anybody what it is!
Hero: You're renting porn, Toot? I'll watch it with you!
Spanky: So will I!
Wooldoor: So will I!
Toot: Um... it's gay porn.
Hero: Lesbian porn, eh? Nice! Why don't we watch it and then roleplay some of our favorite scenes?
Toot: No, not lesbians. Gay men!
Wooldoor: (freaks out) Aaaaaaggggh! (He grabs onto Clara's legs again.)
Clara: That's not funny, Toot!
Toot: Who's joking?
Foxxy: So you mean to tell us that you're really planning on watching two men get it on with each other?
Xandir: Two men? God, Toot, if you're going to rent SOFTCORE porn, why even bother?
Toot: And why shouldn't I? Men love watching lesbians have sex with each other! It only stands to reason that women should like to watch men get it on!
Clara: They should? I'm scared... Ling-Ling, hold me!
As Clara begins to cower, Ling-Ling jumps in her arms and hugs her.
Foxxy: Oh, come off it, Toot! You and I both know you don't have any interest in watching two mens do the horizontal shimmy! You talk a dirty game, but deep down, you almost as vanilla as Clara!
Toot: Really? You think I'm vanilla?
Spanky: Don't listen to her, Toot. Foxxy thinks Madonna is vanilla!
Foxxy: Be that as it may... Toot, if you don't want us to know what movie y'all's renting, that's your business. Just tell us you don't want us to know and I promise we'll leave y'all alone!
Toot: I don't want you to know.
Foxxy nods. She looks at Toot for a moment. Toot looks back. Foxxy then jumps on Toot, engaging her in a struggle to see the video box she is holding.
Foxxy: Show me that box, bitch!
Toot (in confessional): Like, who didn't see THAT coming?
Cut back to the store. Foxxy and Toot are now engaged in a struggle. Hero and Spanky are very pleased.
Spanky: Wow... this is nice! A catfight right in the middle of the video store! I don't think I even need to rent that lesbo film now!
Foxxy has Toot pinned to the ground. She reaches behind her. Toot tries her best to resist, but Foxxy is too strong for her.
Foxxy: All right, let's see what you was so keen on hiding from all of us!
Foxxy grabs the video box from Toot. She stands up and shows it to the rest of the housemates.
Foxxy: Well, I'll be damned! (The camera zooms in on the front cover of the box.) Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger!
Ling-Ling: So YOU'RE filthy bastard who steal Ling-Ling's movie! Prepare to die, land whale! (He assumes a martial arts stance. Toot is frightened.)
Cut to a chasm somewhere in Asia. A single log lies across the chasm connecting the two sides. We see Ling-Ling and Toot standing at each end of the log dressed as the two characters from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Each is holding a long sword and posing in a fighting stance.
Ling-Ling: You bring dishonor to Ling family by stealing honorable movie!
Toot: Oh yeah? Well, Ling family just have to get over it!
Ling-Ling: Confucius say she who take Ling-Ling video get sword wrong way up honorable ass!
Toot: Oh yeah? Well, Toot Braunstein say something else Chinese something or other! And I'll kick your ass!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling kill you now!
Ling-Ling moves in toward Toot and swings his sword at her. Toot jumps in the air, turns invisible, and comes back down on the other side of Ling-Ling where she becomes visible again. Ling-Ling turns and faces her angrily.
Toot: Ha ha ha! Missed me missed me, now you've gotta- wait. Ling-Ling, we shouldn't be fighting like this!
Ling-Ling: You right, land whale. Ling-Ling and Toot should settle differences like adults. Not by doing some silly movie spoof!
Toot: Yeah!
Cut back to the video store.
Toot: Okay, Ling-Ling. I guess we can watch the movie together!
Ling-Ling: (eyes Toot skeptically) Well... on one condition.
Toot: What's that?
Ling-Ling: Land whale promise not to hog all the popcorn.
Everyone begins laughing. They continue laughing for several seconds.
Spanky: (interrupting, but still laughing) So why are we all laughing so hard? That line wasn't that funny!
Clara: No, but it served a purpose!
Xandir: It got us out of the scene!
Spanky: Good point! (Everyone goes back to laughing. The scene fades to black.)
Spanky (in confessional): So anyway, we all ended up getting different movies. But then came the hard part- deciding which one to watch FIRST!
Foxxy: So what are we going to watch first, y'all?
Wooldoor: Little Mermaid!
Hero: Die Hard!
Toot: Crouching Hidden... whatever that was!
Xandir: Hey, how about we watch MY movie first, guys?
Clara: You mean your gay porn movie? You want us all to watch that together?
Wooldoor: (freaks out again) Aaaaaaggggh! (He grabs onto Clara's legs again.)
Clara: Wooldoor, would you stop that? You're going to stretch my dress out! If I'd known you were going to be doing that all day, I would have worn shorts today!
Wooldoor: Really? (Suddenly, he has a sexy look in his eyes.) So you like the feeling of Sockbat touching your bare legs?
Clara: (confused) Um... (turns to Foxxy) Was that a come-on? (Foxxy nods. Clara turns to Wooldoor still somewhat confused.) Wooldoor, no offense, but... please don't ever do that again. It's creepy!
Wooldoor: (suddenly happy again) Okay! (He lets go of Clara's legs.)
Xandir: So does this mean we're not going to watch my movie?
Clara: Xandir... if we watch a gay porn movie with you... you're going to want to... do things to yourself. Do you really want all of us sitting here watching you while you do that?
Xandir: Why not? You might learn a thing or two!
Clara: In this case, I'd say ignorance is definitely bliss!
Hero: You think you're better at it than me, Xandir?
Xandir: I don't know... I *am* pretty damn good!
Hero: There's only one way to settle this. We'll have a contest. The rest of you guys can be the judges!
Clara: Oh my God, it's like, the worst contest ever!
Toot: Hey, I just realized something! Last week, we were having a contest to see who could go the longest without doing it, and this week we're doing the exact opposite! Isn't that ironic?
Clara: No! Cause we're doing no such thing! Hero, Xandir... put those things away. I think for the sake of everyone's hormones, we'd better watch The Little Mermaid first.
Hero: (moaning) Ohhhhhh... Ariel...
Clara: Never mind! Ling-Ling, let's watch YOUR movie first.
Toot: Excuse me! Favoritism!
Spanky: Toot, you want to watch the same movie!
Toot: Oh, yeah.
Foxxy: Actually, I think that's a good idea. I think Crouching Something Hidden Something Else would be a great choice for a movie for all of us to watch together. I mean, it's got something for everybody! It's got action, comedy, romance...
Spanky: Yeah, but no nudity! Spanky wants to watch a movie with nudity!
Xandir: Then we'll watch MY movie! It's got LOTS of nudity!
Spanky: Crouching Dragon it is!
Clara: So it's settled! We'll start with Crouching Dragon Hidden... other thing. Ling-Ling- pop the disc in the player!
Ling-Ling gets up and puts the disc in the player, then goes back and sits down on Clara's lap. The housemates look at the TV in anticipation. The movie begins. Immediately, however, the eagerness leaves everyone's faces. They all stare at the screen with expressions ranging from confused to horrified.
Wooldoor freaks out and grabs onto Clara's legs again. Clara shrieks, then immediately slaps her hand over her eyes to block her view of the screen.
Clara: Sack dress! Someone get me my sack dress, please!
Spanky: The horror... the horror!
Xandir: (quickly getting up) Oops! I guess they accidentally put MY disc in the Crouching Dragon case by mistake! (He ejects the disc, then turns to the others.) Are you sure you don't want to watch this?
Everyone: Yes!!!
Xandir returns the porn disc to its correct case, then puts the correct disc in the player. The housemates sit back. The program begins.
Announcer: (on TV) Coming soon to a theater near you! (Everyone is irritated.)
Hero: Oh, man!
Toot: I forgot about the damn previews!
Spanky: It's okay, we can just fast forward through them! (He turns to Clara.) Here, give me the remote!
Wooldoor: (getting up) No! I wanna watch them!
Clara: You want to watch the previews?
Wooldoor: Yeah, I love the previews! The previews are the best part! We can watch the previews, and it'll be just like actually being in the theater!
Spanky: Oh, so you want it to be just like the theater, huh? (Wooldoor nods enthusiastically.) Then in that case, we'd better change a few things. Come on, guys, we need to recreate the theater experience for Wooldoor!
Toot: Ooh! I'll be the loudmouth who sits next to you crunching popcorn too loudly! (She begins munching popcorn.)
Clara: I'll be the idiot jabbering on a cell phone! (She gets out her cell phone and begins talking on it.)
Hero: Foxxy and I can be the hormone-crazed teenagers making out with each other! (They begin making out.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling be the annoying person who keeps asking friend what going on in movie! (He turns to Toot.) So is that guy bad guy? I thought he kill that other guy! Is he not with other bad guy? Or is other guy good guy?
Spanky: And I'll be the disgruntled malcontent who sits back and bitches about everyone else!
Wooldoor: This is great! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Xandir: What can I do, Spanky?
Spanky: Xandir, you can be the loser who gets to the movie late and annoys everyone else climbing over them to find a seat!
Xandir: Okay! (He gets out of his seat and walks to the other side of the room. He then climbs over the others trying to get to his seat.)
Foxxy: Hey, watch it!
Clara: Do you mind?
Toot: I'm eating here!
Xandir: Sorry! (He reaches his seat and sits down in it.)
Spanky: Oh, wait, I almost forgot! Someone's got to be the person who always talks back to the movie!
Wooldoor: Ooh! I'll do it! I'll do it!
Spanky: Go to it, my man!
Wooldoor: (begins talking to movie) Hey there, movie! How's it going? My name's Wooldoor! What's yours? (He pauses.) So what's it like being a movie? Is it fun?
Foxxy: (stops making out with Hero and walks over to Wooldoor) No, no, no, Wooldoor! That's not how you talk to a movie! Watch, I'll show you. (She turns to the movie.) No! Don't go in there! Oh, you stupid fools, I told yo' dumb ass not to go in there! (She turns back to Wooldoor.) You see?
Wooldoor: Ohhhhh. Yeah, Foxxy, now I get it!
Spanky: Well, you guys... I think we're set! The only thing left to do now is... watch the movie!
Wooldoor: Good idea, Spanky! Let's watch!
Everyone immediately turns their attention back to the movie.
Announcer: (on TV) Coming soon to a theater near you! (Everyone is irritated again.)
Toot: Aw, man! I was hoping by the time we finished that little skit, the previews would be over!
Clara: Some movies have lots of previews!
The TV shows the interior of an abandoned warehouse. A very disgruntled and disheveled looking Bruce Willis walks through the ruins brandishing an Uzi.
Hero: Oh my God! That's Bruce Willis! Does this mean they're making another Die Hard movie?
Announcer: Bruce Willis doesn't like terrorists!
Toot: Well, who does?
Announcer: That's why... (the voice suddenly becomes more energetic)... he quit his boring terrorist-hunting job and took over the lease on an abandoned warehouse... where he could live out his dream... of opening up his own public library! (Bruce surveys the ruins and nods appreciately.)
Bruce: This place will be perfect! (He points.) The reference section can go right over here!
Announcer: (tone becomes menacing again) But when he began exploring the place... he discovered something he hadn't counted on!
Hero: (eagerly) Terrorists!
Announcer: Love!
The guys are visibly disappointed.
Cut back to the movie. We see Bruce walking over to a desk. We see Natalie Portman working behind it. She is wearing glasses.
Bruce: Excuse me. I didn't think there was supposed to be anybody else here.
Natalie: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that I heard there was going to be a library built here, so I thought I'd come down and apply for a job. It's always been my dream to be a librarian, you see.
Bruce: A librarian? Why would a young lady like yourself want to be a librarian? Surely you'd rather be out with your boyfriend!
Natalie: I don't have a boyfriend. As I'm sure you can tell, I'm very homely.
Bruce: Maybe now you are. But I think I just might know how to turn this ugly duckling into a beautiful swan!
Natalie: How?
Bruce: Like this!
He reaches out and takes off Natalie's glasses. The camera cuts to a closeup of Natalie's face. It looks exactly the same as before, only without the glasses.
Bruce: (holding up a mirror) Take a look!
Natalie: (looks in mirror and is overcome) Oh, my God... I'm beautiful!
Bruce: You want to go out sometime? We can debate the nature of love vs. friendship and you can pretend to have an orgasm in the restaurant!
Natalie: Oh, yes!
Cut back to the housemates. Everyone except Wooldoor is extraordinarily bored.
Wooldoor: (excited) Oh, my God, you guys! We have GOT to go see that!
Spanky: Are you kidding? It's got chick flick written all over it!
Cut to Bruce and Natalie driving through the countryside. Bruce has his arm draped around Natalie's shoulders.
Announcer: It's Bruce Willis and Natalie Portman starring in... a romantic comedy... with CAR CHASES!!!
Bruce immediately lets go of Natalie and puts the pedal to the floor.
Natalie: What are you doing? Why are you suddenly driving so fast?
Bruce: That guy in that car is a terrorist. If I don't catch up to him... he'll kill me! And if I'm dead, we won't be able to open up that library together... or have children!
Bruce and Natalie proceed to lock lips in a passionate kiss. Bruce then returns to the wheel and begins driving Bullitt-style. Natalie grabs Bruce's Uzi, then leans out the window and begins shooting everywhere.
Announcer: Bruce Willis and Natalie Portman are... (The title graphic appears on the screen. The announcer reads it.) "In Hot Pursuit"! (The caption "of love" quickly appears at the bottom of the screen.) "Of Love"!
(to be continued...)