Post by Raymond-Raymond on Sept 6, 2007 0:03:39 GMT -5
ROAD TRIP I: SOCKS OF RAGE
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Wooldoor watching TV.
Announcer: (on TV) And we now return you to Beauty and the Beast.
We see Belle kiss the Beast. The Beast transforms into a handsome prince.
Belle: Oh, my!
Prince: Your love... your love has broken the curse and returned me to my original form.
Belle: Oh. That's... great.
Prince: You sound disappointed.
Belle: No, I'm happy. Really, I am.
Prince: Then what is it?
Belle: It's just that... I kind of liked you the other way.
Prince: You preferred me as a hideous beast?
Belle: I have a hair thing... I can't explain it.
Prince: So what do you want me to do? Slap another old lady around and get the curse put back on me?
Belle: You don't have to do that.
Prince: Are you sure? Because I'm kind of pissed off at my grandma right now-
Wooldoor (in confessional): It was my favorite time of year- summer vacation! Sure, the seasons are kind of meaningless when you don't go to school, but it was still summer! I love summer! I was looking forward to spending my lazy summer days doing my favorite activity- absolutely nothing! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Cut back to Wooldoor watching television. He flips channels.
Announcer: (on TV) Coming up next on Food Network, we have another great episode of "Rachael Ray Does Nothing But Stands Around Looking Cute For Six Straight Hours". Then after that, we have a fantastic new installment of "Giada De Laurentis Does Nothing But Stands Around Looking Hot For Six Straight Hours". But first- we return you to the exciting conclusion of "Paula Deen Does Nothing But Stands Around Being Annoyingly Southern For Six Straight Hours"!
Wooldoor: Wow! I don't want to miss a minute of this! I'm sure glad I don't have anywhere I have to be any time in the near future!
Clara: (We hear her voice behind Wooldoor.) Oh, Wooldoor? Are you ready to go?
Wooldoor turns around. The rest of the housemates are all standing behind him carrying suitcases and dressed in vacation gear. Xandir wears a tied-off T-shirt and really short denim cutoffs. Clara wears her sundress, while Foxxy wears a T-shirt that says "Musicians do it by mouth". Hero wears a T-shirt and shorts with his logo on them, while Toot wears a T-shirt and a skirt with flowers on it. All five are in flip-flops. Spanky has on a T-shirt from the summer camp at which he was a counselor, Camp Hoochiemama. Ling-Ling wears a baseball cap.
Wooldoor: Are you guys going somewhere?
Spanky: Of course not, Wooldoor! This is how we always dress!
Toot: Yeah, Wooldoor! Don't you pay attention?
Wooldoor: Not really. (He turns back around and resumes watching TV. The rest of the group look at each other for a moment.)
Clara: That reminds me. We need to make sure we packed Wooldoor's Ritalin. (Wooldoor whips back around.)
Wooldoor: Packed? What do you mean packed? You guys ARE going somewhere!
Toot: Gee, whatever gave you that idea?
Clara: Wooldoor, we've been planning this trip to Las Vegas for months! I know you knew we were supposed to leave today. So get your vacation outfit on and let's go!
Wooldoor: I have a vacation outfit?
Foxxy: That's right, Wooldoor. (She holds up his outfit.) A Hawaiian shirt, striped shorts, and the giraffe hat you got at the zoo. The same thing you wear on every vacation! (Clara walks over to Wooldoor on the couch.)
Clara: Oh, and Wooldoor, I also got you these. (She holds out a pair of flip-flops.) They're flip-flops!
Wooldoor: (dourly) I know what flip-flops are, Clara. I may have ADHD, but I'm not stupid!
Clara: It's really hot out, so why don't you take your socks off and put these on? It'll help your feet stay cool!
Wooldoor: I'm thinking... no.
Clara: Wooldoor, do you know how much you're going to be sweating on this trip? If you wear your socks the whole time, your feet are going to be stinking worse than Halfway Home!
Toot: Clara, that show is cancelled now. I think it's safe to let it go.
Clara: Oh. Well, good. But anyway, Wooldoor. We're going to be spending a long time in the van together, and I'd like it to be harmonious. And by harmonious, I mean free from the horror that is foot odor.
Wooldoor: Well, if you're go concerned about the van stinking, what are you going to do about Spanky? Strap him to the roof?
Foxxy: Don't you worry about Spanky, Wooldoor. He'll stay in line.
Toot: (glaring at Spanky) Or else...
Spanky (in confessional) Hi. I'm Spanky Ham from TV's Drawn Together. No doubt at this point, you were expecting us to do some sort of hilarious joke playing upon the fact that I'm a walking pork product. Well, to be honest, we're tired of jokes like that. So why don't you just make up your own? It's easy. Just turn to the person next to you, or if you're alone, call your mom, or your parole officer if you don't have a mom because you bludgeoned her to death with the business end of a nine-iron, and tell them some kind of hysterical one-liner predicated on my status as a pot roast in cartoon character form. Then down about fifteen beers and try to forget the whole thing. You'll be glad you did.
Cut back the housemates in the living room.
Clara: Here, Wooldoor. Give me your socks and I'll go put them in the laundry hamper for you. (She starts to pull his socks off, but Wooldoor pulls away.)
Wooldoor: No! What are you doing?
Clara: I'm looking out for your hygiene, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: I can look out for my own hygiene, thanks!
Toot: Awww, what's the matter, Wooldoor? Ashamed of your feet? It's okay. I'm sure they can't be any uglier than Foxxy's feet! (Foxxy glares at Toot.)
Clara: Wooldoor, if you don't like how your feet look, we can do something about that. I'm sure Ling-Ling would be glad to give you a pedicure!
Ling-Ling: Maybe... but cash up front!
Wooldoor: No! That's not it!
Foxxy: Then why won't you take your socks off, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I just don't want to, okay? Leave me alone!
Clara: (sighs) Fine. You can keep your socks on. I didn't realize your feet were some kind of taboo!
Wooldoor: Taboo? (He suddenly gets a sexy look in his eyes.) So you wanna get inside my socks, do you? (Clara looks confused at first, then gets a gleam in her eyes.)
Clara: Oh, yes, Wooldoor! I've lusted for your feet for many years now! Getting my hands all over your little yellow toes would be the fulfillment of my deepest sexual desires! (The housemates look on completely dumbfounded.)
Spanky: Damn, as big a prude as she is, she's sure got the market cornered on bizarre fetishes!
Clara grabs Wooldoor and throws him back on the couch. As she moves in on him, Wooldoor holds his feet out to her. She grabs his ankles and shoots him a flirtatious look. Wooldoor gives a smile of satisfaction and raises his eyebrows in a come-hither fashion. Clara begins to slowly slide Wooldoor's sock off his foot. However, before she gets it off, Wooldoor suddenly snaps back into his regular personality. He jumps off the couch with a start.
Wooldoor: No! Stop! You'll have to pry these socks off my cold dead, body! (He dashes outside in a flurry. The rest of the housemates look at each other. Clara sighs.)
Clara: Oh, well. I tried. Anyway... I guess we might as well get going.
Everyone nods. One by one, they grab their luggage and file out. The last two people in the house are Foxxy and Hero. They start to walk out also, but at the last minute, Hero stops Foxxy and turns to her.
Hero: Oh, Foxxy. Are you bringing any socks with you, by chance?
Foxxy: No. Why?
Hero: Oh. It's nothing.
Foxxy: Hero? (He stops. She gives him a knowing look.) Hero... you wasn't thinking of using that little moment in there as the basis for a little roleplaying later on, was you?
Hero: Maybe.
Foxxy: (smiling at Hero) Well... I don't have any socks, but I'm sure if we asked Ling-Ling real nicely, he could take some of my tampons and make socks out of 'em!
Hero: Oh, goody! (He claps his hands together for a moment. Then he and Foxxy pick up their bags and walk out.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to the driveway outside. The housemates are loading their luggage onto the van.
Spanky: Well, that's the last of it! We ready to go?
Toot: I think so!
Foxxy: Sounds good. Okay, everyone, get in!
The housemates begin to file into the van. Clara, Toot, and Ling-Ling take the middle seat, while Spanky, Hero, and Wooldoor take the back. Foxxy walks around to the driver's door and opens it. As soon as she sits down, Xandir quickly walks around to where she is.
Xandir: (whinily) Foxxy!
Foxxy: Xandir, if you need to go, you can go. But you best do it now before we gets on the road! Like I said to Spanky, there ain't better be nobody urinating in my van on this trip or the Foxxy's gonna urinate on you! Unless you have a fetish for that, in which case I'm still gonna do it, only I'm gonna kick the crap out of you afterwards!
Clara: (to Toot) "Ain't better be nobody"? Is that even English?
Toot: Of course not, Clara. She's speaking Foxxy American!
Xandir: Foxxy, you told me I could drive!
Foxxy: When did I ever tell you that?
Xandir: Last night!
Cut to the living room. Foxxy is playing the Beatles' "Drive My Car" on the stereo and singing along to it. Xandir walks in.
Foxxy: (singing) Baby you can drive my car... (Xandir looks interested.)
Cut back to the present.
Foxxy: Be that as it may.
Xandir: Oh, Foxxy, pleeeeeeeeeeease? I promise I won't get us trapped in a parking space again! Or trapped in a drainage ditch again! Or trapped in the freezer of a 7-11!
Toot: Actually, I didn't mind that last one so much.
Foxxy: Fine, Xandir. You can drive. But you be careful, you hear me?
Xandir: Oh, I will, Foxxy, I will!
Foxxy gets out of the van and walks around to the passenger side. She gets in and sits down as Xandir does the same. Clara and Toot both glare at Foxxy as Xandir pulls out of the driveway.
Clara: Foxxy?
Foxxy: What is it, Clara?
Clara: Foxxy, why the hell are you letting Xandir take the wheel?
Foxxy: Oh, don't worry, Clara. Xandir's a good driver. He's learned from his past mistakes.
Toot: We know! That's not why we're upset!
Foxxy: Then why?
Clara: I presume we're following the traditional practice of letting the driver pick the music we listen to, right?
Foxxy: Sure, that only seems fair.
Toot: Well, you know what Xandir is going to choose to listen to, don't you?
Cut to a closeup of Xandir's right hand reaching down into a travel bag beside him and pulling out a CD. We see it is the cover of the soundtrack to High School Musical. He puts on the CD and begins singing along to it loudly. The rest of the housemates cover their ears.
Spanky: Oh, God!
Hero: What the hell is this crap?
Toot: What do you think? It's High School Musical! It's all Xandir's been listening to for the past month! (Xandir is ignoring them. He continues to sing along to the music.)
Clara: A CD that combines the concepts of boy bands and show tunes- I bet when that came out, Xandir had an orgasm on the spot!
Toot: Haven't you guys seen that Zac Efron Trapper Keeper he carries around?
Spanky: Wait. Xandir carries around a Trapper Keeper?
Clara: Yeah, apparently this whole concept fulfills some kind of private fantasy for him.
Toot: He thinks he's back in high school and he's dating the captain of the football team.
Clara: Actually, Toot, he IS dating the captain of the high school football team. But that's neither here nor there.
Hero: You know, I never understood that expression. If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
Toot: (looking at Hero) Canada! (Hero nods.)
Foxxy: Oh, just leave Xandir alone, you guys. I know this music sucks, but it'd be hard finding something that would please all seven of us!
Clara: Eight.
Foxxy: There's eight of us? Why Clara- is you pregnant?
Clara: (confused) Um, no...
Foxxy: It's probably me, then. But tell you what. Here's what we'll do. We'll be stopping for gas in a couple of hours. We'll switch drivers then and I'll put on some good music, okay?
Clara: Well... I suppose.
Toot: But what are we going to do in the meantime?
Foxxy: Hell, I don't know! Didn't y'all bring any headphones or anything?
Toot: Headphones?
Clara: (suddenly realizing) Oh, yeah!
Toot and Clara each get out iPods and headphones and begin listening to their own music. Ling-Ling gets out a set of his own and immediately begins dancing in a fashion similar to his celebration dance in "Gay Bash". The scene shifts to Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor in the back seat.
Hero: Aw, man! I forgot to bring MY headphones! Does that mean I have to listen to Xandir's gay music? I hear if you listen to gay music, it makes you gay!
Spanky: No, it doesn't. I blasted that Indigo Girls CD all night and it didn't make any of the women in the house start making out with each other!
Wooldoor: I can't get into this high school music. Maybe if they did Medical School Musical or Law School Musical, I could relate to it!
Hero: Law School Musical?
Spanky: Hey, it could happen! You could do a song about res ipsa loquitur, then segue into a tender ballad about attractive nuisance, and then finish up with a showstopping tune that about tort reform!
Wooldoor: I'd watch that!
Hero: But what about naked chicks? Is there any potential for naked chicks in this musical?
Spanky: We'll make it about an indecent exposure case.
Hero: Oh. And the phrase "I'll sue your pants off!" has to come up at some point!
Spanky: Good one!
Hero: And he does.
Spanky: Does what?
Hero: Sues her pants off!
Spanky: I see. Court-ordered nudity, eh? Now there's a legal system I can swear an oath to!
Hero: And then the judge will sentence her to hard labor!
Spanky: In his pants!
Hero: Bingo!
Wooldoor: Wait a minute, you guys! That doesn't make sense! If he's suing her, that means it's a civil case. So how can the judge be giving her a criminal sentence?
Hero and Spanky look at each other for a moment. Finally, Spanky speaks.
Spanky: I knew there was a reason we don't usually tell Wooldoor about these things.
The three sit back down. Hero and Spanky begin whispering to each other. After a few moments, Wooldoor speaks.
Wooldoor: Awwww! I'm bored! I wanna do something! (With sudden eagerness he turns to Spanky and Hero.) So what are you guys gonna do?
Hero: (to Spanky) You're not going to tell him, are you?
Spanky: Actually, Hero, I think our little yellow friend here can help us!
Wooldoor: Little yellow friend? What's Ling-Ling got to do with this?
Spanky: Not Ling-Ling, Wooldoor, I meant you!
Wooldoor: Oh! (He is happy.) I'll do anything! Whatever you guys want!
Spanky: Good! Here's what we want you to do. You see Clara and Toot listening to their iPods? Well...
Spanky leans over to Wooldoor and whispers the rest of the plan into his ear. Wooldoor nods and sits back down. He looks around for a few moments to determine that no one is watching him. He then sneaks under the seat in front of him. His head emerges between Clara and Toot's feet. Covertly he reaches up and puts a hand on each of their iPods. With lightning fast movement, he pulls each away from its headphone jack, switches them, and reconnects the jacks. He ducks back under the seat and pops back up between Hero and Spanky.
Spanky: Now... let's watch the fun.
Clara and Toot sit continuing to listen to their music. After a moment, Clara gets an extremely confused look on her face. She looks down at her iPod.
Clara: What on earth is this? I don't remember putting THIS song on my iPod! (Her confusion fades.) Oh, well. It's kind of catchy. (She continues listening to the music for a moment. However, suddenly an extremely worried look crosses her face. Her eyes grow wide and her jaw drops. She is obviously shocked by what she is hearing.) Oh, my God! I've never heard anything so profane in my life! (She checks her iPod and realizes.) This must be Toot's iPod! (She leans over to Toot and begins tapping her on the shoulder.) Toot! Hey, Toot!
Toot: (singing, unaware) Jesus is Lord, He's the God of all things, my life is nothing without Jesus!
Clara: (now tapping harder) Toot! Toot! (Toot finally realizes Clara is trying to get her attention.)
Toot: (annoyed) Clara, do you have to interrupt me? I was in the middle of this really cool song about- (She suddenly realizes.) Oh my God! Was I just singing about Jesus?
Clara: Yes, you were. Somehow the guys switched our iPods!
Toot: I was wondering why Alanis Morisette suddenly went Christian right in the middle of "You Oughta Know"!
The guys are all snickering. Clara angrily turns toward them.
Clara: Very funny, you guys. How would you like it if we did that to you?
Hero: Wouldn't bother me!
Spanky: Me either. Hero and I like each other's music!
Toot: But what if instead of music, we switched your porn? With... XANDIR'S???
All the guys immediately draw back in fear.
Hero: You wouldn't!
Spanky: That's so cruel!
Wooldoor: Mommy, I don't wanna play with the anatomically correct doll again!
Toot: We might... so watch it!
Spanky: Watch the porn? Um, like we said, Toot, we'd rather not do that.
Toot: Ugh! Never mind! (The women turn back around. Toot turns to Clara.) What's their problem, anyway?
Clara: They're men.
Toot: Right. And why do we keep them around?
Clara: Same reason.
Toot: Right.
Cut to Spanky, Hero, and Wooldoor in the back. They are still snickering.
Wooldoor: That was great, you guys!
Hero: So now what do we do?
Spanky: I don't know. You'll need to give me time to come up with my next devious prank. (Hero nods and leans back in the seat. After a moment, the guys begin to grow irritated and put their hands over their ears.)
Hero: Whatever your plan is, Spanky, could you hurry up with it? I don't know how much more of this teenybopper stuff I can take!
Spanky: I know, Hero! I'm trying to think of something but it's kind of hard with all this teenybopper stuff pounding my brain!
Hero: This is terrible! I swear, I'd almost rather hear Wooldoor sing! (Wooldoor's face lights up.)
Spanky: No! Hero, don't say that!
Hero: Why not?
Wooldoor: (singing) Baby beluga in the deep blue sea, swim so wild and you swim so free, heaven above and the sea below, and a little white whale on the go.
Spanky: Because whenever someone mentions Wooldoor singing, he immediately starts belting Raffi songs!
Hero: Can't we make him stop?
Spanky: I'll try. (He reaches across Hero and taps Wooldoor on the shoulder.) Hey, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: What is it, Spanky?
Spanky: Stop singing, okay?
Wooldoor: (thinks a moment) No. (He resumes singing.) I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas, I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas.
Hero: Wooldoor, respect your elders, dammit! We told you to stop, now stop! (Wooldoor immediately stops.)
Wooldoor: Okay!
Hero: Thank you! (They resume their positions. As High School Musical continues to play on the stereo, Hero and Spanky sit looking annoyed. It continues in this fashion for several more moments. Finally, Wooldoor starts up again.)
Wooldoor: (resuming singing) The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again! (Hero and Spanky are extremely irritated. Spanky turns to Hero.)
Spanky: You see what you did? (He leans over to Wooldoor.) Hey, Wooldoor! Stop it!
Wooldoor: No, Spanky! I wanna sing!
Spanky: Well, could you sing something besides Raffi?
Wooldoor: Something besides Raffi? Like what?
Spanky: I don't know. Sing whatever you want, just as long as it's not something you're likely to hear in Angelina Jolie's house!
Wooldoor: Well... okay. (He thinks for a moment. Then he picks a song and begins singing.) You know the day destroys the night. (Immediately the others join in.)
Hero: Night divides the day.
Spanky: Try to run. (Clara and Toot take off their headphones.)
Toot: Try to hide.
Foxxy: Break on through to the other side. (Xandir shuts off the car stereo.)
Everyone: Break on through to the other side.
Wooldoor: Break on through to the other side.
Xandir: We chased our pleasures here.
Clara: Dug our treasures there.
Toot: But can you still recall.
Clara: The time we cried.
Everyone: Break on through to the other side. Break on through to the other side.
Ling-Ling: Break on through to other side.
As the housemates continue singing, the camera cuts to an exterior shot of the van going down the road. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Wooldoor watching TV.
Announcer: (on TV) And we now return you to Beauty and the Beast.
We see Belle kiss the Beast. The Beast transforms into a handsome prince.
Belle: Oh, my!
Prince: Your love... your love has broken the curse and returned me to my original form.
Belle: Oh. That's... great.
Prince: You sound disappointed.
Belle: No, I'm happy. Really, I am.
Prince: Then what is it?
Belle: It's just that... I kind of liked you the other way.
Prince: You preferred me as a hideous beast?
Belle: I have a hair thing... I can't explain it.
Prince: So what do you want me to do? Slap another old lady around and get the curse put back on me?
Belle: You don't have to do that.
Prince: Are you sure? Because I'm kind of pissed off at my grandma right now-
Wooldoor (in confessional): It was my favorite time of year- summer vacation! Sure, the seasons are kind of meaningless when you don't go to school, but it was still summer! I love summer! I was looking forward to spending my lazy summer days doing my favorite activity- absolutely nothing! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Cut back to Wooldoor watching television. He flips channels.
Announcer: (on TV) Coming up next on Food Network, we have another great episode of "Rachael Ray Does Nothing But Stands Around Looking Cute For Six Straight Hours". Then after that, we have a fantastic new installment of "Giada De Laurentis Does Nothing But Stands Around Looking Hot For Six Straight Hours". But first- we return you to the exciting conclusion of "Paula Deen Does Nothing But Stands Around Being Annoyingly Southern For Six Straight Hours"!
Wooldoor: Wow! I don't want to miss a minute of this! I'm sure glad I don't have anywhere I have to be any time in the near future!
Clara: (We hear her voice behind Wooldoor.) Oh, Wooldoor? Are you ready to go?
Wooldoor turns around. The rest of the housemates are all standing behind him carrying suitcases and dressed in vacation gear. Xandir wears a tied-off T-shirt and really short denim cutoffs. Clara wears her sundress, while Foxxy wears a T-shirt that says "Musicians do it by mouth". Hero wears a T-shirt and shorts with his logo on them, while Toot wears a T-shirt and a skirt with flowers on it. All five are in flip-flops. Spanky has on a T-shirt from the summer camp at which he was a counselor, Camp Hoochiemama. Ling-Ling wears a baseball cap.
Wooldoor: Are you guys going somewhere?
Spanky: Of course not, Wooldoor! This is how we always dress!
Toot: Yeah, Wooldoor! Don't you pay attention?
Wooldoor: Not really. (He turns back around and resumes watching TV. The rest of the group look at each other for a moment.)
Clara: That reminds me. We need to make sure we packed Wooldoor's Ritalin. (Wooldoor whips back around.)
Wooldoor: Packed? What do you mean packed? You guys ARE going somewhere!
Toot: Gee, whatever gave you that idea?
Clara: Wooldoor, we've been planning this trip to Las Vegas for months! I know you knew we were supposed to leave today. So get your vacation outfit on and let's go!
Wooldoor: I have a vacation outfit?
Foxxy: That's right, Wooldoor. (She holds up his outfit.) A Hawaiian shirt, striped shorts, and the giraffe hat you got at the zoo. The same thing you wear on every vacation! (Clara walks over to Wooldoor on the couch.)
Clara: Oh, and Wooldoor, I also got you these. (She holds out a pair of flip-flops.) They're flip-flops!
Wooldoor: (dourly) I know what flip-flops are, Clara. I may have ADHD, but I'm not stupid!
Clara: It's really hot out, so why don't you take your socks off and put these on? It'll help your feet stay cool!
Wooldoor: I'm thinking... no.
Clara: Wooldoor, do you know how much you're going to be sweating on this trip? If you wear your socks the whole time, your feet are going to be stinking worse than Halfway Home!
Toot: Clara, that show is cancelled now. I think it's safe to let it go.
Clara: Oh. Well, good. But anyway, Wooldoor. We're going to be spending a long time in the van together, and I'd like it to be harmonious. And by harmonious, I mean free from the horror that is foot odor.
Wooldoor: Well, if you're go concerned about the van stinking, what are you going to do about Spanky? Strap him to the roof?
Foxxy: Don't you worry about Spanky, Wooldoor. He'll stay in line.
Toot: (glaring at Spanky) Or else...
Spanky (in confessional) Hi. I'm Spanky Ham from TV's Drawn Together. No doubt at this point, you were expecting us to do some sort of hilarious joke playing upon the fact that I'm a walking pork product. Well, to be honest, we're tired of jokes like that. So why don't you just make up your own? It's easy. Just turn to the person next to you, or if you're alone, call your mom, or your parole officer if you don't have a mom because you bludgeoned her to death with the business end of a nine-iron, and tell them some kind of hysterical one-liner predicated on my status as a pot roast in cartoon character form. Then down about fifteen beers and try to forget the whole thing. You'll be glad you did.
Cut back the housemates in the living room.
Clara: Here, Wooldoor. Give me your socks and I'll go put them in the laundry hamper for you. (She starts to pull his socks off, but Wooldoor pulls away.)
Wooldoor: No! What are you doing?
Clara: I'm looking out for your hygiene, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: I can look out for my own hygiene, thanks!
Toot: Awww, what's the matter, Wooldoor? Ashamed of your feet? It's okay. I'm sure they can't be any uglier than Foxxy's feet! (Foxxy glares at Toot.)
Clara: Wooldoor, if you don't like how your feet look, we can do something about that. I'm sure Ling-Ling would be glad to give you a pedicure!
Ling-Ling: Maybe... but cash up front!
Wooldoor: No! That's not it!
Foxxy: Then why won't you take your socks off, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: I just don't want to, okay? Leave me alone!
Clara: (sighs) Fine. You can keep your socks on. I didn't realize your feet were some kind of taboo!
Wooldoor: Taboo? (He suddenly gets a sexy look in his eyes.) So you wanna get inside my socks, do you? (Clara looks confused at first, then gets a gleam in her eyes.)
Clara: Oh, yes, Wooldoor! I've lusted for your feet for many years now! Getting my hands all over your little yellow toes would be the fulfillment of my deepest sexual desires! (The housemates look on completely dumbfounded.)
Spanky: Damn, as big a prude as she is, she's sure got the market cornered on bizarre fetishes!
Clara grabs Wooldoor and throws him back on the couch. As she moves in on him, Wooldoor holds his feet out to her. She grabs his ankles and shoots him a flirtatious look. Wooldoor gives a smile of satisfaction and raises his eyebrows in a come-hither fashion. Clara begins to slowly slide Wooldoor's sock off his foot. However, before she gets it off, Wooldoor suddenly snaps back into his regular personality. He jumps off the couch with a start.
Wooldoor: No! Stop! You'll have to pry these socks off my cold dead, body! (He dashes outside in a flurry. The rest of the housemates look at each other. Clara sighs.)
Clara: Oh, well. I tried. Anyway... I guess we might as well get going.
Everyone nods. One by one, they grab their luggage and file out. The last two people in the house are Foxxy and Hero. They start to walk out also, but at the last minute, Hero stops Foxxy and turns to her.
Hero: Oh, Foxxy. Are you bringing any socks with you, by chance?
Foxxy: No. Why?
Hero: Oh. It's nothing.
Foxxy: Hero? (He stops. She gives him a knowing look.) Hero... you wasn't thinking of using that little moment in there as the basis for a little roleplaying later on, was you?
Hero: Maybe.
Foxxy: (smiling at Hero) Well... I don't have any socks, but I'm sure if we asked Ling-Ling real nicely, he could take some of my tampons and make socks out of 'em!
Hero: Oh, goody! (He claps his hands together for a moment. Then he and Foxxy pick up their bags and walk out.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to the driveway outside. The housemates are loading their luggage onto the van.
Spanky: Well, that's the last of it! We ready to go?
Toot: I think so!
Foxxy: Sounds good. Okay, everyone, get in!
The housemates begin to file into the van. Clara, Toot, and Ling-Ling take the middle seat, while Spanky, Hero, and Wooldoor take the back. Foxxy walks around to the driver's door and opens it. As soon as she sits down, Xandir quickly walks around to where she is.
Xandir: (whinily) Foxxy!
Foxxy: Xandir, if you need to go, you can go. But you best do it now before we gets on the road! Like I said to Spanky, there ain't better be nobody urinating in my van on this trip or the Foxxy's gonna urinate on you! Unless you have a fetish for that, in which case I'm still gonna do it, only I'm gonna kick the crap out of you afterwards!
Clara: (to Toot) "Ain't better be nobody"? Is that even English?
Toot: Of course not, Clara. She's speaking Foxxy American!
Xandir: Foxxy, you told me I could drive!
Foxxy: When did I ever tell you that?
Xandir: Last night!
Cut to the living room. Foxxy is playing the Beatles' "Drive My Car" on the stereo and singing along to it. Xandir walks in.
Foxxy: (singing) Baby you can drive my car... (Xandir looks interested.)
Cut back to the present.
Foxxy: Be that as it may.
Xandir: Oh, Foxxy, pleeeeeeeeeeease? I promise I won't get us trapped in a parking space again! Or trapped in a drainage ditch again! Or trapped in the freezer of a 7-11!
Toot: Actually, I didn't mind that last one so much.
Foxxy: Fine, Xandir. You can drive. But you be careful, you hear me?
Xandir: Oh, I will, Foxxy, I will!
Foxxy gets out of the van and walks around to the passenger side. She gets in and sits down as Xandir does the same. Clara and Toot both glare at Foxxy as Xandir pulls out of the driveway.
Clara: Foxxy?
Foxxy: What is it, Clara?
Clara: Foxxy, why the hell are you letting Xandir take the wheel?
Foxxy: Oh, don't worry, Clara. Xandir's a good driver. He's learned from his past mistakes.
Toot: We know! That's not why we're upset!
Foxxy: Then why?
Clara: I presume we're following the traditional practice of letting the driver pick the music we listen to, right?
Foxxy: Sure, that only seems fair.
Toot: Well, you know what Xandir is going to choose to listen to, don't you?
Cut to a closeup of Xandir's right hand reaching down into a travel bag beside him and pulling out a CD. We see it is the cover of the soundtrack to High School Musical. He puts on the CD and begins singing along to it loudly. The rest of the housemates cover their ears.
Spanky: Oh, God!
Hero: What the hell is this crap?
Toot: What do you think? It's High School Musical! It's all Xandir's been listening to for the past month! (Xandir is ignoring them. He continues to sing along to the music.)
Clara: A CD that combines the concepts of boy bands and show tunes- I bet when that came out, Xandir had an orgasm on the spot!
Toot: Haven't you guys seen that Zac Efron Trapper Keeper he carries around?
Spanky: Wait. Xandir carries around a Trapper Keeper?
Clara: Yeah, apparently this whole concept fulfills some kind of private fantasy for him.
Toot: He thinks he's back in high school and he's dating the captain of the football team.
Clara: Actually, Toot, he IS dating the captain of the high school football team. But that's neither here nor there.
Hero: You know, I never understood that expression. If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
Toot: (looking at Hero) Canada! (Hero nods.)
Foxxy: Oh, just leave Xandir alone, you guys. I know this music sucks, but it'd be hard finding something that would please all seven of us!
Clara: Eight.
Foxxy: There's eight of us? Why Clara- is you pregnant?
Clara: (confused) Um, no...
Foxxy: It's probably me, then. But tell you what. Here's what we'll do. We'll be stopping for gas in a couple of hours. We'll switch drivers then and I'll put on some good music, okay?
Clara: Well... I suppose.
Toot: But what are we going to do in the meantime?
Foxxy: Hell, I don't know! Didn't y'all bring any headphones or anything?
Toot: Headphones?
Clara: (suddenly realizing) Oh, yeah!
Toot and Clara each get out iPods and headphones and begin listening to their own music. Ling-Ling gets out a set of his own and immediately begins dancing in a fashion similar to his celebration dance in "Gay Bash". The scene shifts to Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor in the back seat.
Hero: Aw, man! I forgot to bring MY headphones! Does that mean I have to listen to Xandir's gay music? I hear if you listen to gay music, it makes you gay!
Spanky: No, it doesn't. I blasted that Indigo Girls CD all night and it didn't make any of the women in the house start making out with each other!
Wooldoor: I can't get into this high school music. Maybe if they did Medical School Musical or Law School Musical, I could relate to it!
Hero: Law School Musical?
Spanky: Hey, it could happen! You could do a song about res ipsa loquitur, then segue into a tender ballad about attractive nuisance, and then finish up with a showstopping tune that about tort reform!
Wooldoor: I'd watch that!
Hero: But what about naked chicks? Is there any potential for naked chicks in this musical?
Spanky: We'll make it about an indecent exposure case.
Hero: Oh. And the phrase "I'll sue your pants off!" has to come up at some point!
Spanky: Good one!
Hero: And he does.
Spanky: Does what?
Hero: Sues her pants off!
Spanky: I see. Court-ordered nudity, eh? Now there's a legal system I can swear an oath to!
Hero: And then the judge will sentence her to hard labor!
Spanky: In his pants!
Hero: Bingo!
Wooldoor: Wait a minute, you guys! That doesn't make sense! If he's suing her, that means it's a civil case. So how can the judge be giving her a criminal sentence?
Hero and Spanky look at each other for a moment. Finally, Spanky speaks.
Spanky: I knew there was a reason we don't usually tell Wooldoor about these things.
The three sit back down. Hero and Spanky begin whispering to each other. After a few moments, Wooldoor speaks.
Wooldoor: Awwww! I'm bored! I wanna do something! (With sudden eagerness he turns to Spanky and Hero.) So what are you guys gonna do?
Hero: (to Spanky) You're not going to tell him, are you?
Spanky: Actually, Hero, I think our little yellow friend here can help us!
Wooldoor: Little yellow friend? What's Ling-Ling got to do with this?
Spanky: Not Ling-Ling, Wooldoor, I meant you!
Wooldoor: Oh! (He is happy.) I'll do anything! Whatever you guys want!
Spanky: Good! Here's what we want you to do. You see Clara and Toot listening to their iPods? Well...
Spanky leans over to Wooldoor and whispers the rest of the plan into his ear. Wooldoor nods and sits back down. He looks around for a few moments to determine that no one is watching him. He then sneaks under the seat in front of him. His head emerges between Clara and Toot's feet. Covertly he reaches up and puts a hand on each of their iPods. With lightning fast movement, he pulls each away from its headphone jack, switches them, and reconnects the jacks. He ducks back under the seat and pops back up between Hero and Spanky.
Spanky: Now... let's watch the fun.
Clara and Toot sit continuing to listen to their music. After a moment, Clara gets an extremely confused look on her face. She looks down at her iPod.
Clara: What on earth is this? I don't remember putting THIS song on my iPod! (Her confusion fades.) Oh, well. It's kind of catchy. (She continues listening to the music for a moment. However, suddenly an extremely worried look crosses her face. Her eyes grow wide and her jaw drops. She is obviously shocked by what she is hearing.) Oh, my God! I've never heard anything so profane in my life! (She checks her iPod and realizes.) This must be Toot's iPod! (She leans over to Toot and begins tapping her on the shoulder.) Toot! Hey, Toot!
Toot: (singing, unaware) Jesus is Lord, He's the God of all things, my life is nothing without Jesus!
Clara: (now tapping harder) Toot! Toot! (Toot finally realizes Clara is trying to get her attention.)
Toot: (annoyed) Clara, do you have to interrupt me? I was in the middle of this really cool song about- (She suddenly realizes.) Oh my God! Was I just singing about Jesus?
Clara: Yes, you were. Somehow the guys switched our iPods!
Toot: I was wondering why Alanis Morisette suddenly went Christian right in the middle of "You Oughta Know"!
The guys are all snickering. Clara angrily turns toward them.
Clara: Very funny, you guys. How would you like it if we did that to you?
Hero: Wouldn't bother me!
Spanky: Me either. Hero and I like each other's music!
Toot: But what if instead of music, we switched your porn? With... XANDIR'S???
All the guys immediately draw back in fear.
Hero: You wouldn't!
Spanky: That's so cruel!
Wooldoor: Mommy, I don't wanna play with the anatomically correct doll again!
Toot: We might... so watch it!
Spanky: Watch the porn? Um, like we said, Toot, we'd rather not do that.
Toot: Ugh! Never mind! (The women turn back around. Toot turns to Clara.) What's their problem, anyway?
Clara: They're men.
Toot: Right. And why do we keep them around?
Clara: Same reason.
Toot: Right.
Cut to Spanky, Hero, and Wooldoor in the back. They are still snickering.
Wooldoor: That was great, you guys!
Hero: So now what do we do?
Spanky: I don't know. You'll need to give me time to come up with my next devious prank. (Hero nods and leans back in the seat. After a moment, the guys begin to grow irritated and put their hands over their ears.)
Hero: Whatever your plan is, Spanky, could you hurry up with it? I don't know how much more of this teenybopper stuff I can take!
Spanky: I know, Hero! I'm trying to think of something but it's kind of hard with all this teenybopper stuff pounding my brain!
Hero: This is terrible! I swear, I'd almost rather hear Wooldoor sing! (Wooldoor's face lights up.)
Spanky: No! Hero, don't say that!
Hero: Why not?
Wooldoor: (singing) Baby beluga in the deep blue sea, swim so wild and you swim so free, heaven above and the sea below, and a little white whale on the go.
Spanky: Because whenever someone mentions Wooldoor singing, he immediately starts belting Raffi songs!
Hero: Can't we make him stop?
Spanky: I'll try. (He reaches across Hero and taps Wooldoor on the shoulder.) Hey, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: What is it, Spanky?
Spanky: Stop singing, okay?
Wooldoor: (thinks a moment) No. (He resumes singing.) I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas, I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas.
Hero: Wooldoor, respect your elders, dammit! We told you to stop, now stop! (Wooldoor immediately stops.)
Wooldoor: Okay!
Hero: Thank you! (They resume their positions. As High School Musical continues to play on the stereo, Hero and Spanky sit looking annoyed. It continues in this fashion for several more moments. Finally, Wooldoor starts up again.)
Wooldoor: (resuming singing) The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again! (Hero and Spanky are extremely irritated. Spanky turns to Hero.)
Spanky: You see what you did? (He leans over to Wooldoor.) Hey, Wooldoor! Stop it!
Wooldoor: No, Spanky! I wanna sing!
Spanky: Well, could you sing something besides Raffi?
Wooldoor: Something besides Raffi? Like what?
Spanky: I don't know. Sing whatever you want, just as long as it's not something you're likely to hear in Angelina Jolie's house!
Wooldoor: Well... okay. (He thinks for a moment. Then he picks a song and begins singing.) You know the day destroys the night. (Immediately the others join in.)
Hero: Night divides the day.
Spanky: Try to run. (Clara and Toot take off their headphones.)
Toot: Try to hide.
Foxxy: Break on through to the other side. (Xandir shuts off the car stereo.)
Everyone: Break on through to the other side.
Wooldoor: Break on through to the other side.
Xandir: We chased our pleasures here.
Clara: Dug our treasures there.
Toot: But can you still recall.
Clara: The time we cried.
Everyone: Break on through to the other side. Break on through to the other side.
Ling-Ling: Break on through to other side.
As the housemates continue singing, the camera cuts to an exterior shot of the van going down the road. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
