DTBL episode 30: Road Trip II- Headache Hotel

[Raymond-Raymond]

ROAD TRIP II: HEADACHE HOTEL

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the van heading down the road. A voice over intones, "Previously on Drawn Together". We cut to the housemates inside the van.

Xandir: We HAVE to be getting close to Vegas, you guys! I've calculated the distance and we should be just about there!

Clara: Wait a minute- I thought Vegas was in the desert!

Toot: It is!

Clara: (notices something else out the window) I know they don't have THAT in the desert!

Xandir: Have what in the desert?

Clara: That! (She motions to the others to look out the window. Everyone does so.)

Toot: Is that... is that the ocean?

Xandir looks out the window and sees the ocean. He continues driving for a moment. Suddenly, his eyes pop wide open as he realizes what happened. He immediately pulls off the road. The rest of the housemates continue looking around without saying a word. This goes on for an extended period of time without anyone speaking. Finally, everyone sighs in complete exasperation. Spanky buries his face in his hands.

Spanky: (voice over) Freaking Xandir!

As the other housemates glare at him, Xandir looks around uncomfortably. The scene fades.

We fade back up on the parking lot of a beach. Xandir, Foxxy, and Spanky stand poring over a large road map stretched out over the hood of the van.

Xandir: (pointing to road map) Okay... here's where we went wrong. I turned left when I should have turned right.

Spanky: Where was that?

Foxxy: Coming out of the driveway!

Spanky: I can't believe this, Xandir! I swear, every time you drive us somewhere, something goes wrong!

Xandir: I'm sorry, you guys! I'm trying my best!

Foxxy: Just let it go, Spanky. The damage is done, it won't do any good to get all worked up about it now.

Spanky: (sighs) I guess so. So where are we NOW?

Foxxy: As far as I can tell, we're somewhere WAY up the California coast.

Xandir: (excited) Way up the coast? Ooh! I wonder if we're near San Francisco!

Spanky: (His interest is suddenly piqued.) We might be! (He turns to Foxxy.) You know, this would be our opportunity to get rid of him! He'd be with his own kind!

Xandir: (still excited) Ooh! Can we see the San Francisco Giants?

Foxxy: I didn't know you liked baseball, Xandir.

Xandir: Baseball? (becomes disappointed) Oh. I thought that name meant something else. (Spanky sighs in frustration.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

Clara (in confessional): While Foxxy and Spanky were busy trying to figure out a way out of the mess Xandir got us in, the rest of us decided we might as well make the best of a bad situation. So we got in our swimsuits and hit the beach. (She raises an eyebrow.) Well... SOME of us did.

Cut to Clara and Toot on the beach sitting in two deck chairs under two umbrellas. Clara is busy applying sunblock.

Toot: I don't know about being out on the beach again, Clara. I don't think we have enough sunblock for it this time.

Clara: Don't worry about that, Toot. I found this really great brand where you apparently only need to apply it once!

Toot: (shocked) Just once? Just one time and you're set?

Clara: Yes! Can you believe it?

Toot: But how can we be sure it works? Did they test it on animals first?

Clara: No. Nicole Kidman.

Toot: Give it here! (She eagerly grabs the sunblock from Clara and begins applying it.)

Cut to the ocean. Wooldoor and Ling-Ling stand at the edge of the ocean.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh boy, Ling-Ling! This is going to be fun! Hey, I have an idea. Let's have a swimming race in the ocean!

Ling-Ling: Sockbat crazy? He know Ling-Ling not able to swim!

Wooldoor: Wait. When you said, "He know Ling-Ling not able to swim", was the "he" in that sentence referring to yourself? Cause you do that sometimes, you know.

Ling-Ling: (not amused) He mean you, not Ling-Ling!

Wooldoor Sockbat: Now did the "he" in THAT sentence mean- (Wooldoor looks back over at Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling has an extremely angry look in his eyes. Battle spikes are starting to form on his body.) Forget it, it's not important. So anyway, you wanna have a race in the ocean? (Ling-Ling's battle spikes recede.)

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling just get through telling you. Ling-Ling not able to swim!

Wooldoor: That's okay, Ling-Ling! If you start to drown, I can save you! I'm a lifeguard, remember?

Ling-Ling: All the same, Ling-Ling rather not bother.

Wooldoor: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't I teach you to swim? It'll be fun!

Ling-Ling: No! Problem not that Ling-Ling not know how to swim. Ling-Ling body just not built for it. Only one battle monster in all of world possess ability to swim.

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Freakin' Pikachu! He think he can do everything!

Wooldoor: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Ling-Ling! Everyone can learn to swim! Don't worry, I have a foolproof method for helping you learn! I'm going to teach you the same way I was taught!

Ling-Ling: (humoring Wooldoor) Fine. What is it?

Wooldoor: This! (He grabs Ling-Ling, and with one swift motion, throws him in the ocean.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! Swim, Ling-Ling! Swim!

Ling-Ling: (floundering in the ocean) Help! Get Ling-Ling out of water! (Wooldoor rushes up to Ling-Ling. However, instead of saving him, he stands over him angrily.)

Wooldoor: Excuse me, did I tell you to start drowning? I believe I told you to swim! Now goddammit, swim! (Ling-Ling continues flailing around in the water, then finally goes under. Wooldoor sighs.) Oh, yeah. Go under. That's EXACTLY what I told you to do!

Cut back to Clara and Toot on the beach. As Toot finishes applying sunblock, Clara reads a book.

Toot: You know, this is a really nice beach. Much better than the one back home.

Clara: (looking up from her book) It's very pretty, isn't it?

Toot: It's not very crowded, though, is it? I think we're the only ones here!

Clara: That's because it's a private beach, Toot. And it's closed today.

Toot: Closed? Then how did we get in?

Clara: Xandir blew the owner.

Toot: I didn't even really need to ask, did I? (Clara shrugs. Toot lies back in her chair.) This is really nice, though, having an entire beach to ourselves. Maybe we should forget about going to Vegas and just spend our vacation here!

Clara: I'm thinking... no.

Toot: No? Why?

Clara: Because I don't want to spend a whole week looking at THAT! (She points. Toot looks in the direction Clara points to.)

Hero: Hello, ladies!

Clara: (quickly returning to her book) Hey, Captain Hero.

Toot: Captain Hero, can I ask you a really dumb question?

Hero: It's the only kind *I* ask!

Toot: Captain Hero... why don't you have any clothes on?

Hero: Clothes? Why would I wear any clothes? It's a nude beach!

Toot: Captain Hero, why would you think this is a nude beach?

Hero: Well, there's no one else here but us, is there? Obviously, they don't let any riff raff in. And by my definition, riff raff means people who are not naked!

Clara: Well, what about us? (She gestures to herself and Toot.) WE'RE not naked!

Hero: I know, but you NEVER take YOUR clothes off, Clara.

Toot: But I do! And I'm not nude!

Hero: You do?

Toot: Of course I do. Look, I'll prove it to you! (She gets out of her chair and pulls off her swimsuit. Clara happens to look over and catch a glimpse of Toot, then quickly turns back.)

Clara: Oh, God, now I *really* don't want to stay here the whole week!

Toot: See! I obviously have no problems with public nudity!

Hero: All right! Toot's getting into the spirit now! Come on, Toot, what say you and me go cavort around on the nude beach with our nakedness?

Toot: Okay! (As Toot and Hero run off down the beach in the nude together, Clara returns to her book with a slightly fearful look in her eyes.)

Clara: I guess it could have been worse. It could have been Xandir!

Clara resumes reading. After a moment, she hears a scream.

Ling-Ling: Help, Carla! Help!

Clara: Oh, my God! Ling-Ling!

She puts down her book and runs down to the ocean where Wooldoor and Ling-Ling are. Wooldoor holds Ling-Ling in his hands. Ling-Ling is struggling to get free from Wooldoor's grasp, but to no avail.

Wooldoor: Now, Ling-Ling, I'm going to give you once more chance at this, but if you drown THIS time, I'm not going to pull you back out! Understand!

Ling-Ling: No! What it take for Ling-Ling to make Sockbat stop?

Wooldoor: All right, now here we go. (Wooldoor winds up to throw Ling-Ling.) One... Two... (Suddenly out of nowhere, Clara dives in and tackles Wooldoor. Ling-Ling flies out of his arms and lands in the water.)

Clara: (on top of Wooldoor) What's your problem, anyway?

Wooldoor: I wasn't hugged enough as a kid.

Clara: That makes sense.

Ling-Ling: Carla! Help!

Clara: I'll save you, Ling-Ling! (She gets off Wooldoor and dives into the water. She swims out to Ling-Ling and grabs him.)

Ling-Ling: Thanks, Carla. But how Ling-Ling get back without drowning?

Clara: Here! (She puts Ling-Ling on top of her head.) Just stay here. I have a supernatural ability to swim without getting my hair wet!

Ling-Ling nods and grabs onto Clara's head. She then swims back to shore with him. Once they make it back safely, Clara takes Ling-Ling off the top of her head and hugs him while Wooldoor stands looking on. A few feet away, Toot and Hero are catching their breath.

Hero: Wow, that was fun!

Toot: Yeah, it was! But can we stop now?

Hero: Stop? Why?

Toot: When you said we would cavort nude on the beach together, I didn't realize that cavorting basically just meant a lot of running.

Hero: To be honest, I really don't know what that word means. I just heard this chick say it in a porn film once and thought it sounded fun.

Toot nods, then turns around and sees Clara, Ling-Ling, and Wooldoor.

Toot: Hey, you guys! What have you been doing?

Clara: Wooldoor's been trying to drown my husband!

Toot: Sounds like fun.

Wooldoor: Hey! How come you two don't have any clothes on?

Clara: Because they're whores.

Wooldoor: I wanna be a whore too! (He takes his clothes off.) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Clara looks at Wooldoor in confusion.) What?

Clara: So you don't want anyone to see your feet, but you're okay with showing THAT?

Wooldoor: (sternly, almost seductively) I'm hot and you know it.

Behind them we hear the others approaching.

Foxxy: Hey, y'all! (Foxxy, Xandir, and Spanky walk up.) You guys about ready to get this show back on the road?

Toot: Did you figure out where we are?

Xandir: Yeah, we did. In fact, we found this great alternate route that we can take to Vegas without losing hardly any- (He suddenly notices the others' nudity.) Hey! How come none of you are wearing any clothes? Except Miss Prudypants, I mean.

Wooldoor: We're naked! It's fun!

Hero: And I'm 50% sure this is a nude beach.

Xandir: That's good enough for me!

Clara: Xandir, don't you dare! (It is too late. Xandir has already taken his clothes off and is now dancing around naked with the others. Clara sighs, then turns to Foxxy and Spanky.) Well, at least I still have you guys! Guys? (Foxxy and Spanky are now nude as well. As we see the others playing around on the beach in the background, Clara sighs and walks away holding Ling-Ling. After a moment, she stops and looks up at the sky.) God? I don't get this. Why did you give me such a fantastic body if I'm going to be the only one keeping their clothes on?

Ling-Ling: (making a sexy face) Because... Carla body special gift just for Ling-Ling! (Clara looks at him slightly confused and then smiles.)

Clara: I guess that's a good enough explanation for me! (She nuzzles his head, then resumes walking back up the beach.)

Clara (in confessional): So anyway, we got back on the road and made it to Vegas without further incident. I was looking forward to sitting back and relaxing in the hotel for a while before we hit the city. (She looks plaintively at the camera.) I'm pretty naive, aren't I?

Cut to the hotel lobby. As the others stand back with their bags, Foxxy checks in at the front desk.

Foxxy: Love, party of seven.

Toot: Eight!

Foxxy: I mean, eight.

Clerk: Of course. (She takes a key, then gestures to a bellhop.) Felipe, please help these guests take their bags to their room. (She turns back to the housemates.) This way, please. (As the housemates follow the clerk, Felipe rounds up the group's bags. The clerk stops in front of one of the rooms.) Here it is! (She unlocks the door and hands Foxxy the key. As Felipe begins taking the housemates' bags into the room, the housemates all look inside.)

Spanky: (turning back) Pretty nice! So do they all look like this?

Clerk: Does all what look like this?

Toot: All our rooms.

Clerk: You only have one room. (The housemates are alarmed.)

Toot: What???

Clara: We're supposed to have three rooms! Preferably together, but not an absolute necessity!

Clerk: I'm sorry, but you only reserved one room.

Xandir: That's impossible! I made the reservation myself and I know for a fact I said I wanted three rooms!

Cut to Xandir on the phone at the Drawn Together house.

Xandir: And I want three rooms! You hear me? Three!

We see Felipe standing behind the counter on the phone.

Felipe: Que?

Xandir: Okay! (He hangs up the phone.) All right, you guys, reservation's been made! I just got us three rooms!

Cut back to the present.

Clerk: I'm sorry, there must have been some sort of misunderstanding. As far as we know, you only asked for one room.

Foxxy: Fine. I guess we'll just have to get two more rooms. What else do you have?

Clerk: I'm sorry, we're all booked up!

Spanky: Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that all eight of us are going to have to spend an entire week cooped up together in a single room with ONE double bed? (The clerk shrugs.)

Clerk: I'm sorry, but there's really nothing more I can do. So do you want the room?

Toot: I guess we don't have a choice, do we?

Clerk: Just dial zero if you need anything! (She walks off. The rest of the group turns angrily to Xandir.)

Spanky: I don't know how you keep doing it, Xandir, but STOP!

Xandir: Hey, this one wasn't my fault, guys! I know I told them three rooms! (Felipe, having delivered the last of the group's bags, comes out of the room.) There must have been some kind of- (He sees Felipe exit and looks at him.) Hello! (He smiles at Felipe. Felipe looks back at him slightly confused. Foxxy grabs Xandir's arm. Felipe walks off.)

Foxxy: Pay attention while we're trying to chew you out, Xandir!

Xandir: (intrigued) Chew me out, you say?

Clara: Foxxy, I told you not to do that!

Foxxy: Sorry.

Clara: Look, you guys, maybe this one was Xandir's fault, maybe it wasn't. But standing around arguing isn't going to accomplish anything.

Toot: Clara's right. Let's just go into the room and sit down. Maybe after we've rested a while, we'll figure out what to do about this.

Spanky: I guess so.

The scene fades. It then fades back up on the housemates in the hotel room sitting around. Foxxy, Hero, Wooldoor, and Xandir sit on the bed. Spanky sits in the chair, while Toot, Clara, and Ling-Ling sit on the floor next to the bed.

Wooldoor: Wow! This is fun, you guys!

Toot: Wooldoor, all we've been doing for the last two hours is sitting around!

Wooldoor: In a fancy hotel! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Toot sighs.)

Clara: So what are we going to do, guys? Try to find another hotel?

Xandir: Not likely! Every other place I tried was booked solid!

Foxxy: Oh come on, Xandir, this is Vegas! There's got to be hundreds of hotels here! They can't ALL be booked solid!

Toot: Maybe there's a Xandir fan convention going on in town!

Foxxy: Okay, here's what we'll do, you guys. We're pretty much stuck here for right now. We'll try to come up with some kind of sleeping arrangement for tonight, then tomorrow, we'll look for another hotel.

Clara: I suppose. But how do we decide who gets the bed?

Xandir: I know! How about we play a game?

Spanky: I guess that sounds fair.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love games!

Toot: Wooldoor, what DON'T you love?

Wooldoor: Sickle cell anemia.

Spanky: I know what we can play! Hero?

Hero and Spanky: Strip poker!!!

Foxxy: Yeah, that sounds fun!

Clara: (in disbelief) I don't believe this. MORE nudity, you guys?

Spanky: What's wrong with nudity?

Clara: Spanky, putting aside the issue of modesty and virtue... do you really think everyone here wants to see your penis out in the open?

Wooldoor: I wanna see Spanky's penis out in the open!

Clara: (to Foxxy) Is it time for his Ritalin yet?

Spanky: Hey, as far as I can tell, you're the only one that's got a problem with seeing the Spankster as God made him! So if you don't want to play strip poker with us, Clara, you're going to have to forfeit the bed.

Toot: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No one agreed to strip poker except you and Hero, Spanky! Sorry, but we'll have to find another game!

Spanky: You've got to be kidding me! Toot, since when do YOU have a problem being naked?

Toot: It's not the nudity I have a problem with! It's the fact that I suck at poker and I reeeeeeeeeeeally want the bed!

Spanky: All right. Anyone else got a suggestion?

Hero: I know! Naked Twister!

Wooldoor: Yeah! That sounds great!

Clara: You know what, you guys? I'm going to go ahead and call the couch. (She walks over and sits on the couch and stretches her legs out. Ling-Ling hops up on the couch next to her.)

Foxxy: That sounds good, Hero. Does anybody have a Twister set?

Hero: Damn! I've got to remember to quit making suggestions that involve the use of items I don't have! It's like the Bay of Pigs all over again!

Cut to the Oval Office. Captain Hero stands next to President Kennedy at his desk.

Kennedy: So this Bay of Pigs thing? You're sure it will work?

Hero: Positive! We've already trained the Cuban soldiers to overthrow the Cuban government! All we need are six B-26 bombers to provide air cover and Castro's a dead duck!

Kennedy: We don't have any B-26 bombers.

Hero: Damn! Oh, well, go ahead with the invasion anyway. Maybe we'll get lucky.

Cut back to the hotel.

Wooldoor: That's okay! We can use my underwear! It's polka dotted!

Spanky: Yeah. Um, okay. I think we're going to need to come up with a new game.

Hero: How about Naked Scrabble?

Clara: (exasperated) Naked Scrabble? How does that even work?

Hero: All right, looks like Clara's finally on board!

Toot: Hero, you've got the board... you do have the board, right?

Hero: Yes.

Toot: You've got the board... why don't we just play regular Scrabble?

Hero: I guess so.

Spanky: Okay.

Wooldoor: That sounds good!

Clara: Wait a minute. Am I believing what I'm hearing? Are you guys actually going to play a game that doesn't involve nudity? Okay, count me in! (Hero gets the Scrabble game out and begins setting it up.) Wow, this is great! Not only do we get to play a game as a group, I get to show off my vocabulary skills! Maybe this is going to be a fun night after all! And without any sex or dirty stuff!

Cut to the game about an hour later. Nearly the entire board is filled. Every single word on the board is "penis".

Clara: I should have known.

Toot: Your turn, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Just let me think a minute. (She thinks.) Okay, let me see here. Now if I take the E in the word "penis"... (She takes the tiles out of her rack and lays them carefully on the board.)... I can use my tiles to make the word "penis"!

Wooldoor: Wow! Good one!

Foxxy: And that means that I use up all my tiles! Looks like the game is over! I guess that means the Foxxy gets the bed! (The others are all irritated. Clara merely stares, unable to take in what has just transpired.)

Spanky: (getting off the bed) Congratulations, Foxxy. I'm guessing Captain Hero will be sleeping with you?

Hero: Of course, Spanky! You don't think I'd date a woman like Foxxy and never bang her, do you?

Foxxy: Captain Hero, I think he meant sleep in the bed with me tonight.

Hero: Oh. Well, can I?

Foxxy: Yes, Captain Hero, you may.

Spanky: How about me? We used to do that all the time, remember? I got the eyeliner, I can draw a mustache real quick!

Foxxy: Thanks, Spanky, but if it's all the same to you, we're really tired tonight.

Hero: And besides, no one horns in on MY woman but me! You'll have to find other sleeping arrangements!

Spanky: Fine, fine, I'll take the chair! (He plops back down in the chair.)

Clara: And Ling-Ling and I already called the couch!

Wooldoor: But where am I going to sleep?

Clara: I have just the place for you to sleep, Wooldoor! (She gets up and goes over to a dresser. She pulls out one of the drawers and quickly arranges some sheets and towels in it.) You can sleep in the drawer!

Wooldoor: Sleep in a drawer? What do you take me for? A Japanese tourist?

Clara: Wooldoor, won't it be fun to pretend to be a Japanese tourist?

Wooldoor: Yeah!

Clara: Then hop in the drawer!

Wooldoor: Okay! (He hops in the drawer.) Goodnight, Clara!

Clara: Goodnight, Wooldoor. (Wooldoor immediately falls asleep and begins snoring.) All right, that's him taken care of!

Toot: But what about us? Where are Xandir and I going to sleep? All the sleeping spots have been taken!

Clara: (sighs) How did I get to be the one stuck with finding everyone a bed? (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, is there any chance you guys could make room- (She sees that Foxxy and Hero are both fast asleep. She turns to Spanky. He is fast asleep as well.) Great. (She turns back to Toot and Xandir.) Sorry, guys! I don't know what else to do!

Xandir: (annoyed) I could always sleep on the floor, I guess. I mean, I used to have to do that when I spent the night with my ex-boyfriend!

Xandir (in confessional): (extremely annoyed) Thanks, Craig!

Toot: Fine. I guess we'll be sleeping on the floor. I just hope I don't wake up tomorrow with a backache!

Xandir: Hey, don't worry about that, Toot! There's some blankets and some extra clothes out in the car! We can use them for padding! I'll go get them!

Toot: Thanks, Xandir. I guess you're not so useless after all.

Xandir: I sure aren't! (He thinks.) Er... I sure isn't! (He thinks again.) Er... I sure amn't? No wait, that's not right either. Clara, what is it?

Clara: I sure am.

Xandir: Thanks. (He grabs the keys to the van.) I'll see you guys in a few minutes! (He starts to walk out, but before the door closes, he comes back inside.) Oh! Almost forgot! (He grabs the room key.) Better take the key with me! Don't want to risk getting locked out! (He turns and exits. Clara and Toot look at each other.)

Clara: Sorry, Toot. You going to be okay?

Toot: I guess so. You go on to bed, Clara. I'll just sit here and wait for Xandir.

Clara: Okay. Thanks.

Clara walks over to the couch and picks up Ling-Ling. Holding Ling-Ling in her arms, she lies down to sleep. Toot walks over to the light and extinguishes it. Then she sits down on the floor and waits. She sighs.

Toot (in confessional): I sat there waiting for what seemed like hours. All I needed was a nice soft blanket and I could sleep like a baby. (She becomes extremely sad.) But somehow... that blanket never came.

Cut to Toot still sitting on the floor. By this point, she is extremely annoyed. She sits fuming quietly, every so often letting out a huge sigh of exasperation.

Toot: Goddammit! What the hell is keeping Xandir?

Cut to the exterior of a room deep in the bowels of the building. On the outside of the door we see a sign that reads, "Servants' Quarters". From inside the room we can hear noises.

Xandir: (on the other side of the door) Oh! Oh, yes! Oh, God! Oh, Felipe! Um... it IS Felipe, right?

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut back to Toot in the housemates' room.

Toot: That's it. I'm tired of waiting for Xandir. I'm going to go take a nice hot bubble bath and see if I can go to sleep in there!

Toot quickly takes her clothes off and grabs her bathrobe, then goes into the bathroom and closes the door. As we hear her turn on the water, the camera pans over to Clara and Ling-Ling asleep on the couch. Ling-Ling is sleeping soundly, but Clara is tossing and turning. After each move she makes, Ling-Ling curls right back up next to her. Clara wakes up. Breathing heavily, she puts her hand to her chest.

Clara: Why is it so hot in here?

Putting Ling-Ling aside, she gets up and walks over to the AC. She takes a look at it.

Clara: It's on full power. Great... I guess it's broken. (She shrugs.) Perfect. Another thing to love about this fantastic room.

She sighs, then walks back over to the couch and sits down. She sets Ling-Ling down at the end of the couch, then lies down with her head in the opposite direction. As the camera cuts to a closeup of her face, Clara goes back to sleep and begins sleeping peacefully. After a moment, however, she wakes up again. Ling-Ling is right there in front of her face, still sleeping. Clara is mildly irritated. She picks Ling-Ling up and sets him down at the other end of the couch by her feet. She lays her head back and closes her eyes. However, after a moment, her eyes pop open. She sees that Ling-Ling is right back by her face again. Clara becomes visibly annoyed.

Clara: (sighs) Ling-Ling! Stop it! (She picks him up and sets him down at her feet again.) Ling-Ling, without opening his eyes, walks right back to her arms and curls up against her chest. Clara sighs again in exasperation.) Ling-Ling, stop! (Ling-Ling finally wakes up.)

Ling-Ling: What is it?

Clara: Ling-Ling, do you have to curl right up next to me?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling thought Carla like to cuddle. She the woman after all!

Clara: I do, Ling-Ling. It's just that it's really hot in this room and you're smothering me!

Ling-Ling: (becomes annoyed) Carla think Ling-Ling smothering her again? Ling-Ling thought we discuss this long time ago when Carla get mad about Ling-Ling protecting her!

Clara: No, Ling-Ling, that's not what I mean. I mean, PHYSICALLY you're smothering me. It's really hot in this room tonight, and with your fur right up next to me, I'm absolutely burning up and I can't get any sleep!

Ling-Ling: So what you want Ling-Ling to do? Become cold and distant like Carla father?

Clara: Ling-Ling, how dare you speak of my father like that! I'm the only one who's allowed to call Daddy cold and distant!

Ling-Ling: Carla father like Siberia.

Clara: No, he doesn't. He hates it. Though he did spend a week there last summer, but I think it was because he was recruiting new ballet dancers for the kingdom!

Ling-Ling: That not what Ling-Ling mean! Why Carla always have to misunderstand what Ling-Ling say?

Clara: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. It's just that you've been in this country for several years now, you should be able to speak proper English by now! Personal pronouns, Ling-Ling! They don't bite!

Ling-Ling: (glaring at Clara) Ling-Ling know you not mean that. Carla just tired. Despite what happen during first half of Season Three, Ling-Ling know Carla not just be mean for no reason!

Clara: (stares at him for a moment, then softens) You're right, Ling-Ling. I'm sorry, I don't mean to lash out. I guess it's just the vacation stress talking.

Ling-Ling: Tell you what. How about tomorrow at some point, Ling-Ling and Carla sneak away from group and go do something by themselves?

Clara: (smiling) That sounds great, Ling-Ling. Thanks! (Ling-Ling smiles back at Clara. She nods in appreciation.) Okay, so now that we've got that out of our system, how about we try to get some sleep?

Ling-Ling: Sound good to Ling-Ling!

Clara picks Ling-Ling up and sets him down at the end of the couch. She stretches out and lies down and closes her eyes. However, after a moment, her eyes pop open. Ling-Ling is right back at her chest hugging her. Clara becomes irritated.

Clara: (picking up Ling-Ling) Ling-Ling, no! (He looks at her in confusion.) I thought I told you- you know what? I don't feel like getting into this again. (She takes a deep breath.) I need a moment to myself.

As Ling-Ling stares after her, still confused, Clara grabs her bathrobe and walks briskly into the bathroom. She sits down on the toilet and takes another deep breath.

Clara: God... this is like, the worst vacation ever! I swear, right now, I feel like just punching someone!

Clara reaches over to the bathtub and angrily swats at the water. Immediately Toot jumps up.

Toot: (startled) What the toot? (Upon seeing Toot, Clara becomes startled as well.)

Clara: (gasps) Oh, my God! Toot, what are you doing in here?

Toot: I'm trying to soak away all my vacation stress with a nice, relaxing bubble bath!

Clara: Oh. That sounds like a pretty good idea, actually. I think I may do that too.

Toot: Wanna join me? There's room for two in here!

Clara: You're doing that just to creep me out, aren't you?

Toot: Of course not! You talk as if two women naked in a tub together automatically means something sexual!

Clara: All the same, Toot, I'll wait.

Toot: Suit yourself! So what's the problem, Clara?

Clara: Oh, it's silly. I was having trouble going to sleep and then I got into a fight with Ling-Ling.

Toot: You and Ling-Ling had a fight? Wow, so that's two now! In only a year and a half of marriage!

Clara: I feel really bad about it too. He didn't mean any harm. He was just trying to get close to me.

Toot: That's the same thing I said about my stalker right before he knifed me under the bridge!

Clara: I feel relatively confident Ling-Ling won't be knifing me under the bridge.

Toot: He might if you take his paper bag away! (Clara looks at Toot in a questioning manner.)

Clara: You've had a very interesting life, you know that?

Toot: I guess I have.

Clara: You know what? I'm being silly. I'm just going to go back out there and tell Ling-Ling I'm sorry. If he wants to snuggle up next to me, I'll just try to find a way to deal with the heat somehow.

Toot: Dealing with the heat, eh? Well, you know what they say. If you can't handle the heat- get out of Catholicism!

Clara rolls her eyes. After a moment, she gets up and walks over to the door. She turns it a few times, but it doesn't open.

Clara: What the hell? (She keeps trying to turn the handle, but it still doesn't open.) The door won't open!

Toot: Let me see! (Toot hops out of the tub and goes over to the door.)

Clara: Toot!

Toot: What?

Clara: You're naked!

Toot: Um, yeah! Not everyone in the house wears a swimsuit in the bath, you know! (She begins trying to open the door.) What the hell? We're locked in!

Clara: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! (There is a momentary pause as Toot continues trying the door.) I don't wear a swimsuit in the bath!

Toot: You mean you just go starkers? (She gasps mockingly.) Clara! You're so naughty!

Clara: (ignoring Toot) How can we be locked in? I didn't lock the door!

Toot: (peering into the keyhole) I see what the problem is. The piece fell off the little trigger inside the lock and jammed the latch mechanism! (Clara looks at Toot questioningly.) Hey, I've stalked a few guys myself, I know how locks work!

Clara: So how do we fix it?

Toot: Like this. (Toot peers in the keyhole for a moment. She then begins to feel around on the door.) Okay... not here. (She moves her hand.) Not here... (She moves her hand around for a moment before finally settling on a spot. Okay, here! (She holds her hand over the spot for a moment. She then releases it and begins banging at the spot with her other hand.) Help! You guys! Let us out! We're trapped in here!

Clara: (begins banging the door with her) Someone open the door and let us out! (Clara suddenly stops banging.) Toot, you do realize you're still naked, right? Is that how you want the guys to find you? (Toot smirks.) Never mind. Look.. for my sake... could you put something on?

Toot: Fine. (She grabs her bathrobe and puts it on. Clara resumes banging on the door. Toot adjusts her robe and then joins Clara banging.)

Clara: I don't get this! Why isn't anyone answering?

Cut to the room. As the banging continues, the camera pans to show Foxxy, Hero, Wooldoor, and Spanky all sound asleep. The camera pans to the bathroom door where we see Ling-Ling standing underneath the doorknob. He is frantically jumping trying to reach the doorknob, but to no avail. The scene cuts back to Clara and Toot in the bathroom. Clara quits banging on the door and turns away in exhaustion. After a moment, Toot follows suit.

Clara: This is ridiculous! Are we going to have to spend the whole night in here?

Toot: Let me think. There must be SOMETHING I learned in stalker school that I could use here... (She thinks for a moment. She then begins to look around the room. A look of excitement crosses her face as she points to something in the corner.) Look! An air vent! We can crawl out through the air vent!

Clara: Crawl out through the air vent? Is this Drawn Together or Mission Impossible?

Toot: Good question. Wooldoor DID recently jump on a couch and scream about how much he loved Katie Holmes...

Clara: You know what? I don't care. I just want to get out of here. So what the hell, let's crawl out through the air vent!

Toot: Yay! That's the spirit, Clara!

They walk over to the air vent. Toot puts her fingers under the corners of the plate and jiggles it a little. The plate comes off in her hands. Toot sets the plate down on the floor.

Clara: And of course, the plate comes right off.

Toot: Come on, let's go!

Clara: If you say so.

Toot climbs up into the air vent. Clara follows her. They begin crawling through the vent.

Clara: Isn't it convenient how air vents are always just big enough to crawl through?

They continue crawling for a few moments. Eventually they reach another steel plate. A light shines through the slats.

Toot: Here we go! We can get out here!

Clara: Oh, my God. I don't believe this crazy escape plan actually worked! (Toot begins jiggling the plate.) Do you have any idea where we are?

Toot: No. But I'm sure wherever we are, we can find our way back to the room. (Toot finishes removing the plate and sets it down inside the vent.) Okay, let's go!

They crawl out of the air vent and find themselves in a room filled with fluorescent lighting and several large generators.

Clara: I guess we're in the electrical room.

Toot: Perfect! We just head out through that door right there and we're home free!

They walk over to the door. Toot exits through it, followed by Clara.

Clara: (exiting) So what part of the hotel do you suppose we're in? (suddenly notices) Oh, my! (The camera pulls out to reveal that the two are outside on the sidewalk.)

Toot: Huh.

Clara: Well, at least we know where we are now. (The hotel entrance is right in front of them. Clara walks up to the door and tries to open it. However, it doesn't open.) Huh? Why is THIS door locked?

Toot: (reading a sign next to the door) Because apparently the lobby closes at midnight.

Clara: So they just lock the doors? How are people supposed to enter and leave after midnight?

Toot: They give you a key.

Clara: And you wouldn't happen to have that key with you, do you?

Toot: Yes, Clara! I decided to take the key bathing with me!

Clara: So what are we going to do? It was bad enough being locked in the bathroom, now we're locked out of the hotel!

Toot: Look! There's an intercom! We can use it to call our room!

Clara: Perfect! (She hits the button.) What's our room number?

Toot: (staring, her jaw almost wide open) Uh...

Clara: Never mind.

Toot: (pauses for a moment) So now what do we do?

Clara: I have no idea.

There is another long pause.

Toot: We're in kind of a bind, aren't we?

Clara: A bit.

Clara turns away from the intercom and shrugs. She and Toot stand on the street for a moment just looking around trying to think. As they stand there, the camera pulls back to reveal two men in a car down the street looking at them.

Sam: So what do you think, Alex?

Alex: Nice. Very nice.

Sam: I think we've found our girls.

Alex: I think you're right, Sam.

Sam: Wait. Before we go talk to them... are you SURE they're hookers? I mean, just because they're standing around the street corner, that doesn't necessarily mean they're hookers!

Alex: Are you nuts, Sam? Of course they're hookers! Look at that short one- look how white she is! Why else would she wear so much makeup unless she was a whore?

Sam: You're right. Let's do it!

They start the car and begin to slowly drive in the direction of where Clara and Toot are standing. The scene cuts back to Clara and Toot.

Toot: I'm cold! Are you cold?

Clara: Somewhat.

Toot: I thought Vegas was supposed to be warm this time of year. I wonder why it's so cold right now!

Clara: Possibly because you're wearing nothing but a bathrobe. And neither one of us has on any shoes.

Toot: (thinks for a moment) Nah, that can't be it.

The car pulls up next to them. Sam rolls down the window on the passenger side and calls out to them.

Sam: Hey, ladies! What's going on? (Toot rushes up to the car with Clara behind her.)

Toot: Are you here to get us out of this cold?

Alex: Maybe.

Clara: Toot, are you sure you should be talking to these guys? We don't know what they might want!

Sam: Hey, we're not cops, I promise!

Clara: Huh?

Sam: Just get in the car. We'll put you up somewhere for the night and then we can negotiate.

Clara: Negotiate what?

Toot: Okay! (She climbs into the backseat of the car.)

Clara: Toot! Are you sure you should be getting in a car with them? Who knows what they might want to do with you?

Alex: Hey, don't worry, we'll respect whatever ground rules you guys want to set!

Clara: (still confused, now becoming slightly frustrated) What?

Toot: Clara, just get in the car. You know me- I can kick their asses if I have to!

Alex: I think we know which one you're getting, Sam!

Clara: Fine.

Clara gets in the back seat with Toot and sits down. Alex starts the car and pulls out. The camera cuts to a shot of the car heading down the road. The scene fades.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 3

The scene dissolves to a fleabag motel in another part of town. We see the interior of an empty room. The door opens. Sam and Alex enter and walk to the refrigerator. Clara and Toot enter behind them and stand in front of the beds.

Clara: Wow. It's not as nice as the other places in town.

Toot: No, but it's got two big beds, and that's good enough for us! (Each one sits down on one of the beds.)

Clara: Maybe locking ourselves out of the hotel was one of the best things that could have happened to us!

Toot: Yeah, we'll have a good night's sleep here and then tomorrow we'll meet up with the others and find a better place!

Clara: I just wish I could have brought Ling-Ling with me. It'll feel weird spending a night without Ling-Ling.

Alex: (walking up to Clara with a drink in his hand) Ling-Ling, eh? Is that what you kids are calling it these days?

Clara: Calling what?

Alex: You must be the rookie of the group. It's okay, I'll break you in nice and gentle. (Clara is giving the man an extremely weird look. Alex sets the drink on the table and sits down next to Clara on the bed. Sam sits down on the other bed next to Toot.)

Sam: So what brings you two to Vegas?

Toot: Oh, nothing special. We just thought it would be fun.

Clara: Yeah.

Alex: I like the outfits, by the way. Very unique.

Clara: Unique?

Sam: Yeah, don't you guys usually wear high heels with fishnet hose or something when you're out there?

Clara: I used to wear high heels, but I quit. And I never touch hose!

Toot: I wore fishnets once. Boy, that's a chapter in my life I really don't care to relive.

Sam: Why is that?

Toot: Because it made me look like a whore!

Sam: And that's not what you're going for?

Toot: No! I had lots of creepy guys coming up to me saying creepy things!

Sam: Oh, I see. You just want to keep out all the riff raff.

Toot: Yeah!

Sam: But you still wear all the makeup.

Toot: Makeup?

Clara: Uh, look, you guys, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it's been a very long day and Toot and I really don't feel like chatting right now.

Alex: No problem. We'll just get down to business and then you guys can go to sleep.

Clara: Business?

Sam: (turns to Toot and begins rubbing her leg) I have this wicked fantasy involving Rachael Ray and a huge amount of butter... would $500 dollars be good for you?

Toot: $500 for- (She suddenly realizes. She draws a sharp breath and pulls back.) Oh, my God! (She gets off the bed.) You think we're... we're... wait. $500? *And* I get to be Rachael Ray? So what do we do with the butter? Do we eat it?

Sam: I put it on you and then lick it off.

Toot: Oh. Well, that might be nice. But just so you know, I have a boyfriend, so I can't let you put it in.

Sam: Doesn't bother me. It doesn't really work anyway.

Alex: (to Clara) MY fantasy involves... have you seen the movie Armageddon?

Clara: You want a large meteor to crash into you?

Alex: No... I want to put animal crackers up your- (Clara suddenly realizes and cuts him off.)

Clara: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

Alex: What's the problem?

Clara: That is one of the sickest things I've ever heard! I mean, basing a fantasy around that creepy animal cracker scene? 9 1/2 Weeks I could understand, but Armageddon? Toot- I think we need to leave right now!

Alex: Hey, that's okay. You're not into that, I've got lots of other stuff we can do!

Clara: I'm sorry, but after hearing that, I just can't look at you the same way. Let's go, Toot! (The two of them start to walk out.)

Sam: Where do you two think you're going?

Clara: We're getting out of here! You guys are creepy!

Alex: How far do you two think you can get, anyway? This is a rough part of town, even for Vegas, and you're wearing nothing but bathrobes!

Clara: That's not true! I have a nightie on under MY bathrobe!

Alex: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you had a nightie. In that case, you're safe!

Toot: He's right, Clara. We don't have a phone or any money with us, and we don't even really know where we are! And look at this place! We'll be lucky if we don't get raped before we even make it out of the parking lot!

Clara: Well, there has to be SOMETHING we can do! (She sees something.) Oh, look! There's a cop! He can help us! (The two of them rush up to the cop.) Excuse me, officer. Can you help us?

Cop: What are you two ladies doing out at this hour dressed like this? Are you hookers? (Clara is flabbergasted.)

Toot: Yes.

Clara: (in disbelief) Toot? What are you doing?

Toot: Yes, officer. We're hookers. (Clara continues to stare at Toot. Toot leans over and whispers to her.) If he thinks we're hookers, he'll arrest us! Then he'll give us a personal escort to the police station and out of this hellhole!

Clara: Good thinking! (She turns back to the cop.) Yes, officer. We're hookers. (She thinks for a moment.) And um... we're very sorry.

Cop: I see. Well, you run along back to your whoring, okay? It's dangerous out here.

Clara: Wait a minute. I just told you that we're hookers. Aren't you going to arrest us?

Cop: Are you kidding? This is Vegas! We don't arrest hookers in Vegas! Now go on, you two, get out of my hair! Beat it!

Sam: (as he and Alex are emerging from the hotel room) You see there? You're stuck here!

Alex: Now are you ladies prepared to get back in here and have some fun with us or are we going to have to get tough?

Sam: Or both! (They begin walking toward them menacingly.)

Clara: Don't come any closer, you two! (She assumes a karate stance.) I know karate!

Toot: (assuming a karate stance as well) Yeah! And it's never been mentioned in any previous episode, but so do I!

Alex moves in toward Clara. She kicks at his groin, but with a swift movement, he catches her foot between his legs. He then grabs her arms and pins her to the wall behind her.

Clara: (terrified) Oh, crap!

Toot takes a karate chop at Sam, but he does a Crouching Tiger style flip in the air and jumps over her. From behind, he grabs her.

Toot: This isn't fair! I thought I was the only one who could do that!

Alex: We tried to give you women money to pleasure us! But since you wouldn't play ball, now you're going to do it for free!

Clara: Oh, God! Oh, God, what are we going to do?

Toot: This is a longshot, but it's worth a try. (She steels up and then screams at the top of her lungs.) CAPTAIN HERO!!!

Hero: (suddenly appearing out of nowhere) Did somebody say my name?

Clara: (struggling to get away from Alex) Captain Hero! Save us!

Hero: Save you from what?

Toot: From these two guys who are attacking us!

Hero: Oh. Okay! (With one swift punch, he knocks out Sam while at the same time delivering a swift kick to the back of Alex's head. Both men collapse to the ground unconscious.)

Toot: Oh, thank you, Captain Hero! For the first time in your life, you're actually a hero!

Clara: I can't believe that actually worked! So someone just screams out your name when they're in danger and you come save them? (to Toot) How did you know to do that?

Toot: Actually, Clara, considering the number of prostitutes that operate in this area, I had a hunch that Captain Hero might be somewhere in the general vicinity.

Clara: Either way, Captain Hero, thanks. We really owe you.

Toot: Can you take us back to the hotel now? Um... you have a key, right?

Hero: Of course! I pulled it out of Xandir's pants that I found sitting outside the bellhop's room!

Clara: What were you doing near the bellhop's room? You know what. Don't answer that. I just want to get back to the hotel.

Hero: No problem. Clara... Toot... (He turns around.) Climb on board!

Clara and Toot climb on Hero's back. Before he takes off flying, however, the cop reappears.

Cop: Excuse me! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Toot: We're climbing on Captain Hero's back!

Cop: I see. So you're whoring it out right here in the parking lot?

Clara: What? No! We're not whoring it out!

Cop: Sorry, but according to the laws of Vegas, climbing on someone's back in a parking lot counts as whoring it out!

Toot: So what if it did? You said yourself that whoring isn't illegal in Vegas!

Cop: It isn't! Provided, of course, that you've followed all the rules of whoring protocol!

Clara: Whoring protocol? No wonder they call this place Sin City!

Toot: So what do we have to do to make sure we're within the (sarcastically) guidelines of whoring protocol?

Cop: (to Hero) Sir, have you legally procured the services of these two whores?

Hero: What does that mean?

Cop: Have you paid them?

Hero: No, I haven't paid them!

Cop: (to Clara and Toot) So you two are whoring it out for free? Oh, that's bad. That's very bad!

Hero: That's okay, officer! I'll pay them! (He pulls out his wallet and hands Clara and Toot each a hundred dollar bill.)

Cop: $100 each?

Clara: We're bargain basement whores.

Cop: (shrugs) Oh, well. We can't all be Julia Roberts, I guess. Very good, sir. You're free to go about your business.

Toot: Finally!

Hero: Come on, girls, let's blow this joint!

With both women on his back, Hero flies up into the air. The last thing we see is a shot of Hero heading toward the moon, similar to the shot of Hero flying with Bleh in "The Other Cousin". The scene fades. After a moment, the scene fades back up on the hotel again. We cut to the outside of the group's hotel room. Hero, Clara, and Toot walk up to the door. Hero takes out the key and unlocks the door. Clara and Toot burst into the room.

Toot: Oh, thank God! I wasn't sure if I'd ever see this place again! (Ling-Ling rushes up to Clara and hops into her arms.)

Clara: (hugging him) Oh, Ling-Ling! I'm so glad to see you again!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling glad too!

Clara: I'm really sorry about what I said earlier. I don't care how hot it is in the room, you can sleep as close to me as you want! In fact, right now I want to cuddle you more than ever! (Ling-Ling smiles as Clara continues hugging him.)

Toot: Yeah. And I don't even care if I have to sleep on the floor! The important thing is I have a nice safe room that I can share with people who really care about me!

Clara: Yeah! (She sets Ling-Ling down. Ling-Ling hops over to the couch.)

Toot: Thanks again, Captain Hero.

Clara: I don't know how we'll ever repay you.

Clara starts to walk over to the couch while Toot picks up a small travel bag. At that point, Hero speaks up.

Hero: I have an idea.

Clara: An idea for what?

Hero: How you two can repay me!

Clara: Captain Hero, I hope you're not suggesting that we do something sexually with you.

Hero: Why not? I'm sure Foxxy would love to have a... foursome!

Clara: Very funny, Captain Hero. Why, if I didn't know better, I'd swear- (She looks into his eyes.) Oh, my God. You're serious, aren't you?

Hero: I *did* pay for your services as prostitutes, didn't I? And by the laws of Vegas, that makes you legally obligated to comply with whatever sexual request I make of you!

Clara and Toot look at Hero for a moment. His look is unwavering. They then look at each other with a small amount of fear in their eyes. They turn back to Hero for a moment. His look still doesn't waver. They each stand there for a moment just staring. Finally, both women turn away from Hero, waving their hand dismissively at him. Each one walks back to her respective bedtime spot.

Clara: (curling up on the couch) Goodnight, Toot.

Toot: (curling up on the floor with her travel bag for a pillow) Goodnight, Clara.

The two of them finally go to sleep. Hero stands there staring for a moment in disbelief, then finally shrugs and crawls back into bed with Foxxy. The scene fades again. After a moment, the scene fades back up on a hallway deep in the bowels of the hotel. We again see the sign that says, "Servants' Quarters". The room is now silent. After the camera lingers on the shot of the door for a moment, it opens. We see Xandir step out wearing Felipe's bellhop hat. He looks down at the floor.

Xandir: Um... what happened to my pants?

Cut back to the room. We see Toot sleeping peacefully on the floor with all of Xandir's clothes draped over her like a blanket. The scene fades.

(TO BE CONCLUDED...)