Post by lorelei on Oct 8, 2007 18:49:19 GMT -5
The Lion, the Witch, and Xandir’s Wardrobe
The show opens on a shot of the yard by the Drawn Together house. We see the housemates engaged in play tryouts, taking turns reading from scripts on a little stage, similar to the one in Clum Babies. Sitting in the front row of chairs is the Jew Producer, flanked by Mrs. Baker (from Clara’s Dirty Little Secret & Spelling Applebee’s) and a lady with brown hair, a maroon shirt and pink pants (seen in many episodes) All three of them are holding clipboards. Beyond the small stage, where the Indian casino once stood, we see about twenty small purple Genies (from Gay Bash) hard at work building a theatre.
Xandir: (in confessional) (singing)
The wind began to switch
the house to pitch
And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch
Just then the witch,
to satisfy an itch
Went flying on her broomstick thumbing for a hitch
(giggles) This is, like, the best challenge ever! The Jew Producer wants us to put on a production of The Wizard of Oz! Bet you’ll never guess which character I’m hoping to get, right? I’ll give you a hint – I’ve always been a friend of hers, but here’s my chance to BE her! Well? Give up? Oh…yeah, I can’t hear you. Anyway, get this! Remember my first boyfriend when I came out? And I thought I would never see him again when Lord Slashstab swooped down and scooped him up and took him away? Well, he finally escaped and he’s back!
The Genie (now full size) saunters in and sits on the armrest. He looks at the camera.
Genie: (flirtatiously) Hi…
Xandir: (giggles) Oh you…
The Genie kisses Xandir’s cheek, winks at the camera, then leaves.
Xandir: So, he offered to help with the show, build the theatre, paint the set, handle the props and costumes, be my sex slave, and my own personal dresser IF I tried out for Dorothy! Oooh, gee, like twist my arm already! (sings) “My boyfriend’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble!” Or should I say boyfriends? I forgot that he can multiply! We can have an orgy if we want to! (giggles) Oh, and the Jew Producer said we could keep the costumes after the show! (sighs) It’s a dream come true…(as Xandir continues talking, the image of him changes to a dream-like sequence. We see him dressed up as Dorothy, complete with the brown wig with pigtails. He clutches the basket and bats his eyes at someone on his left, and the camera pulls back to reveal the Genie stretched out the bed, holding a long stem red rose. Sultry music begins to play as Xandir begins his slow, slow striptease. Suddenly, we hear a knocking at the door.
Cut to Xandir in the confessional, tsking at the door.
Xandir: Um, like, I’ll be a few minutes, okay? So, anyway…
Cut back to the dream sequence. We see a close-up of Xandir’s feet in the glittering ruby slippers as they slowly step over the dress that is now on the floor.
Xandir (voice-over): You’re probably wondering if I keep the ruby slippers on….
The camera pulls back and we see the back view of a naked Xandir, except for the shoes, jump on top of the Genie. We hear knocking again.
Cut to Xandir in the confessional.
Xandir: (flailing his arms angrily) What? I’m telling a story!
Clara’s voice: And do you really think the viewers want to hear every single detail about your sex life?
Xandir: Well, *most* of them do!
Clara’s voice: Come on, Xandir! You’ve been in there long enough!
Xandir: (whining) I was just getting started with my story!
We hear Clara groan, then retreat. Xandir smirks, clears his throat and continues.
Xandir: So yeah, anyway, of course I would leave the shoes on. I mean my feet are pretty and all, when I shave them, of course. But they’ll look even prettier with those ruby slippers on, and it will look much nicer when I – (he is interrupted again by a knock)
Toot’s voice: Oh, Xaaandirrrr!
Xandir: Oh, hey, Toot! I’ll just be another minute, okay?
Toot’s voice: Aw, come on, Xandir! Can’t a girl get a chance to talk? I haven’t been in there all week!
Xandir: Aw, I’m sorry Toot!
He opens the door – to see Clara standing there. She promptly blocks the door with her foot so he can’t pull it shut. Xandir looks around.
Xandir: I thought I heard Toot.
Clara: (in Toot’s voice) You did! Hee hee!
Xandir: You little sneak! How did you do that?
Clara: (in normal voice) Oh, I can do anything…(in Toot’s voice) big boy!
Xandir: (tries to pull the door shut) Well, *you* can wait!
Clara: (stepping further into the confessional) Xandir, you have a phone call. You don’t want to keep Fernando waiting, do you?
Xandir: Oh my God! Fernando!
Clara: (very serious) He sounded angry, Xandir. He said you have a lot of explaining to do!
Xandir: Well, instead of joking around, why didn’t you just say so? (he rushes off)
Clara: (in Toot’s voice) I just did! (she pulls the door shut, then sits down in the chair and resumes her normal voice) Wow, that was too easy.
CUE OPENING TITLES
All the housemates, except for Xandir and Clara, are watching T.V. Mrs. Baker silently enters the living room unnoticed, and begins tacking a single piece of paper on the wall. Once it’s up, she turns around and clears her throat. The housemates turn to look at her, and she runs out.
Foxxy: Ooh, that must be the cast list!
They all get up and rush over to read it. They all start talking at once, with mixed reactions of surprise or despair. Toot begins dancing around the room excitedly.
Foxxy: Damn, Toot, I didn’t think you’d be this excited about playing the witch!
Toot: Of course I’m excited! It’s the lead! (She stops dancing, and gets a worried look on her face). Wow, I’m really going to have to learn a *lot* of lines!
Foxxy: Not-uh. Dorothy has the most lines, Toot.
Toot: Not-uh yourself! Dorothy doesn’t even APPEAR. See? (She points to the cast list. We see a quick close-up of it:
Wicked Witch of the West: Toot
Scarecrow: Foxxy
Tin Woodsman: Spanky
Cowardly Lion: Hero
The Wizard: Wooldoor
Toto: Ling-Ling
Glinda: TBD
Spanky: Let me see that. (snatches the cast list off the wall) Um, Toot? I hate to burst your bubble, but there’s a line here at the bottom that says “Callbacks for Dorothy: Clara and Xandir.” So Dorothy DOES appear. You’re thinking of “Wicked.”
Foxxy: Yeah. Wrong show, Toot!
Toot: Goddammit! Eh well, I better practice my cackling then. (She takes a deep breath) AAH HAHAHAAAAA! (A glass on the counter shatters, along with the window above the sink) Oppsie!
Spanky: Hey, Toot, that was pretty good!
Toot: Want me to do it again?
Spanky: No.
Wooldoor: You know, I was so sure they were going to cast me as the Scarecrow. But I get to play the Wizard! Wheeeeeee!
Foxxy: Yeah, I’s the Scarecrow. (sings flatly) “if I only had a brain….(with sudden passion) BABY!” (sighs) Is that Jew Producer trying to tell me somethin or what?
Spanky: Yeah. I know what you mean. I got the Tin Man who doesn’t have a heart. Am I really that big of an asshole?
Foxxy: Well….
Wooldoor: Well…
Spanky: Wait. Don’t answer that.
Hero: Oh, come on, you guys! I don’t think they are trying to tell us anything! Look, I have the part of the Cowardly Lion and everyone knows that’s not me! They just need someone with some manly charisma to be able to belt out (sings) “I am the King of the Forreeeest!” (He trills his voice on “forest”, and another window shatters)
Foxxy: (putting her hands to her head) Oh, Lordy! It’s a good thing we ain’t doing this show in the house!
Toot: You know, Hero….I think you’re perfect for the Cowardly Lion! Sure, you’re brave most of the time, but I’ve seen you get scared of all kinds of things!
Hero: Hah! Name one!
Toot: Well, Clara’s octopussoir
Hero: Oh, please! Everyone was terrified of that thing!
Foxxy: I wasn’t.
Hero: Okay fine! *Most* of us were scared, and that’s just one!
Toot: Don’t forget the 1,000 dead Indians…
Hero: Well…yeah, okay.
Toot: And the paraplegic, homeless bully at the supermarket…
Hero: (sighs) Okay, okay – hey, how did you know he was a paraplegic?
Toot: Oh, Clara told me everything.
Hero: Fine. So we’re done then!
Toot: No….there’s one thing that I’ll bet that scares you more than any of those things combined.
Hero: Tsunamis?
Toot: Commitment!
Hero: (gasps and turns white) You’re right! But (calms himself) well, okay, who isn’t a little afraid of that? (The others think for a moment, then one by one, they nod in agreement) But, those are just a few things. The Cowardly Lion, unlike me, is afraid of just about everything!
Toot: Sure, Hero….whatever you say.
Hero: That’s right! (He folds his arms, but then becomes thoughtful and starts to look a little worried).
Ling-Ling: If Coward Lion were really Brave Lion, Ling-Ling get that part! (sighs) But of course Ling-Ling get dog. Despite what Ling-Ling said in pilot episode…
Flash back to the Hot Tub episode.
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling no dog! Ling-Ling here to destroy all! And give children seizure!
Cut to the present. Spanky walks over to Ling-Ling.
Spanky: You know, Ling-Ling, if you get bored, there’s always plenty to do *behind* the scenes (nudges him playfully) if you know what I mean.
Ling-Ling: (puzzled) Honorable Pig Demon say I go backstage and get freak on with gay Genies?
Spanky: No…
Ling-Ling gives him a puzzled look. Spanky begins whispering in his ear. Ling-Ling smiles.
Cut to another room in the house. Clara and Xandir are sitting in plush chairs outside of a closed door that has a sign on it that says “Jew Director”. Clara is curled up in one of the chairs, rubbing her foot and wincing in pain. Her shoes are on the floor.
Clara: I had no idea they were going to ask us to do the famous Judy Garland Yellow Brick Road Skip. I didn’t think it would be that hard. All those years of private dance lessons and I go and slip and twist my ankle! But you….you managed to nail it!
Xandir: Hellooooo? I’ve been practicing that skip for, like, ever!
Clara: Yeah, I think I’ve seen you *do* the skip.
Xandir: Well, it is a little easier than my spin-jump, actually. (He gets up and begins pacing)
Clara: Do you have to pace?
Xandir: I can’t help it! I pace when I’m nervous. Even though we’ve come this far, once they hear us sing again, I’m just scared that I’m gonna get up there and suck - and not in a good way.
Clara: Please, spare me the sexual innuendos, if you would.
Xandir: Oh, I’m sorry. Heard more than enough earlier from eavesdropping on me when I was in the confessional, did you?
Clara: Are you still mad about that?
Xandir: Oh, gee, about nearly having a heart attack thinking that Fernando knew about the Genie before I had a chance to tell him? Oh, no, Clara, I’m not mad.
Clara: Well, I’m sorry about that, but you’ve been hogging the confessional all week, when you *should* be telling Fernando the truth! He *is* your boyfriend, right?
Xandir: Well, he is…but…he’s away at a fashion show in London…and the Genie is back, and…well, it’s complicated.
Clara: (scoffs) I’ll say!
Xandir: (scoffs mockingly) You, of all people, wouldn’t understand!
Clara: You’re right, I wouldn’t!
Xandir scowls at her, and then continues to pace.
Clara: Xandir, please, don’t pace. Now you’re making *me* nervous!
Xandir: Oh, *you’ll* do just fine!
Clara: Well…I know I will. But, you know, you do pretty well for yourself whenever we all go out for karaoke.
Xandir: But that’s different! It would always take me a few drinks to get up there and sing and think I sound remotely decent! I haven’t had the kind of the training you’ve had, Clara, all those private voice lessons…and from the best teachers, no doubt.
Clara: Well, one: you shouldn’t drink *especially* before you’re going to sing (Xandir rolls his eyes) and don’t give me that look, I’ve heard it’s bad for your sinuses. And two: I’ve had a lot more practice singing in church. (smiles) But Father said I was a natural.
Clara: (in confessional) And this will be the first time Father will get to see me in a play! Unless you count the “ballet” Foxxy and I did. I don’t. Well, okay, he said he loved me, but he’ll love me a lot more when he sees me in the show!
Xandir: (stops pacing and sits down) Oh who am I kidding? (whining) I don’t even know why I’m bothering. You’ll win by a landslide.
Clara: Maybe I won’t, or maybe I will!
Xandir: You will. (bitterly) You always seem to get whatever you want. Must be nice.
Clara: Xandir…I don’t always get what I want.
Xandir: Oh, sure you do! Some of us had to go through some hard times, living from hand to mouth, but you…you’ve had the life most people could only dream about, with everything handed to you on a silver platter!
Clara opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by Horatio (from Ghostesses in the Slot Machine). Horatio swoops in and lands on the armrest of Clara’s chair, holding a note in his beak.
Xandir: …or handed to you by a prized bird! Oh gee, let me guess, that custom-made necklace you ordered is finally ready!
Clara: (lightly pats Horatio and takes the rolled from his beak) Xandir, it’s just a note from my father. Really, what’s your problem all of a sudden?
Xandir: You!
Clara holds the note and stares at him. Xandir continues to glare at her, but after a moment he calms down and sits in one of the chairs. Clara looks back down at her note, but doesn’t open it.
Xandir: I’m sorry, Clara. I didn’t mean that. Here I am, up against you, and you’ve…always been so lucky…and you have the perfect voice for the part. I want to play Dorothy more than *anything* in the world, and….I just know that you’ll get it! (He buries his face in his hands and begins to sob)
Clara: (emphatically) Xandir…
Xandir: (cheerfully, looking up with dry eyes) Hey, look, Clara, if you want to do an act of kindness and let me have the part - I’ll be your best friend!
Clara: What!? (rolls her eyes) Oh, puh-lease, but we all know that Toot is your best friend! At least she is this week!
Xandir: If you were Jesus, you would let me have the part!
Clara: (thinks for moment, then shakes her head) Don’t do that, Xandir.
Xandir: (standing up) And Dorothy IS a gay icon! You wouldn’t want to be associated with a gay icon…would you?
Clara: (flatly) Stop it.
Xandir: And you know, I think you should step out anyway, seeing that you hurt your foot. You won’t be able to walk, let alone skip-
Clara: Hah! Thanks for all your concerns, Xandir, but I think my foot and my soul will fine. Look, hasn’t it occurred to you that I want this part just as badly as you do? I’ve never had the chance to be in a play before, let alone play the lead, and, more than anything, I want my father to see me –
Xandir: (flatly) He already has
Clara: -do more than just dance! Now, if you think you can just talk me into bowing out just so that you can have your sick, disgusting and, might I add, unfaithful, little fantasy with the Genie-
Xandir: Oh, here we go, another speech! (He shuts his eyes and puts his fingers in his ears and starts yelling childishly) Aaah! Lalalalalala! Not listening!
Clara shakes her head in disgust, shrugs and then opens the note and begins to read it. Suddenly, she shuts her eyes and bows her head in sadness, crumpling the note in her hand. Xandir continues his childish yelling. After a moment, Clara stands up, picks up Horatio, and limps over to Xandir. Horatio, already a little flustered by the noise, begins to flap his wings. Clara holds Horatio right in Xandir’s face; Horatio squawks and starts flapping violently. Xandir opens his eyes, shrieks, and falls to the floor in a faint. Horatio then settles down. The “Jew Director” door opens, and the Producer comes out. He and Clara look at Xandir, sprawled on the floor. They look at each other and down at Xandir again. The scene fades out…
Cut to Hero in the confessional
Hero: Even though I am technically the bravest one in the house, being a superhero and all, Toot’s last comment was really bugging me! Was there something else out there she knew about that scared me? That I didn’t know about? Or remember? Am I missing something?
Toot: (from outside) Don’t forget the League of Heros asking to see you at the 3 o’clock bell!
Hero: Oh, haha, nice try, Clara! Run along now, you’ll get your turn.
Toot: (from outside) Nice try yourself! How would Clara know about this, she’s in the other story!
Hero: Eh, what do I care? This is the main story, anyway!
Toot: (from outside) Are you *sure* about that? Or are you afraid she might upstage you for once and actually get more screen time?
Hero: (opens the door) WHY are you doing this to me? (runs off wailing)
Toot: (steps into the confessional and sits down and looks at the camera) Yeesh! What a baby!
Ling-Ling: (pokes his head in) Yeah! What baby!
Toot: (waves him away) Run along now, Ling-Ling. You may speak when I’m done.
Ling-Ling: Baker woman want you to try on costume and paint.
Toot: Paint? (excited) Ohhh, paint! That’s right! (looks at the camera again) Ooh, I get to be in color! (sadly) It’s no wonder I was a wallflower at the dance – especially when the walls were white, no one could see me!
Ling-Ling: Bah, fact you are black and white cow have nothing to do with it. Boys at silly dances are really….uh….deep as ocean.
Toot: (angry) Can’t a girl finish talking around here?
Ling-Ling: (angry) Baker want you now!
Toot: (bats her eyes) Of course she does! (looks at the camera again) I’m kidding! (worried) Really, I’m kidding! So don’t get any ideas that I’m a lesbian either, okay?
Ling-Ling: (starts pulling Toot out of the room) Move! Move, move, mooooooooove! (Toot leaves, and Ling-Ling shuts the door. He hops onto the chair and smiles evilly.) Honorable Pig Demon tell me how to put itching powder in costume.
Cut to Hero’s room. Hero is sitting on his bed sulking, scratching his shoulders from time to time. The furry lion costume is draped over a chair. Next to him on the bed is a copy of the script.
There is a knock at the door.
Hero: Not now! I’m…trying to learn my lines!
Foxxy: (entering) Well, Hero, I can help with that. (She holds up her script) I needs to work on my lines, too. Since we in a lot of the same scenes, we can help each other!
Hero: Oh….well, okay.
Foxxy: (sits down on the bed next to him) Hero, I know you’re a little upset –
Hero: (indignant) I’m not upset!
Foxxy: Surrrre, you’re not! Come on, now. Let’s talk about this, okay?
Hero: (sighs) Okay.
Foxxy: Good. Now look, I think you’re getting all bent out of shape thinking the producer is typecasting. And maybe he is, a little. But you don’t see ME getting all bent out of shape thinking he saying I’s stupid, do you?
Cut to Foxxy in the confessional
Foxxy: You think the Foxxy don’t know how many times them goddamn white producers edit me to make me look dumb? I could probably count my fingers and have none left over! (begins to count, then stops) But…there ain’t no time for that now…
Cut back to Foxxy talking to Hero.
Foxxy: So what if you afraid of a few things. I think all superheroes have to be at some point. Ain’t nobody perfect!
Hero: But, Foxxy, when I think about it, I’m finding that I really am afraid of a lot more things than I thought I was!
Foxxy: Like what?
Hero: Well…I’m…afraid to tell you because you’ll just laugh at me. See? There’s another one!
Foxxy: I won’t.
Hero: (uncomfortably) Okay, but…well, we *really* should be learning our lines, you know!
Foxxy: I know. But if there’s anything you needs to get off that big ole chest of yours, I’m here to listen.
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy. (He scratches his shoulder and tries to reach for his back) You know what you can really help me with?
Foxxy: What, Hero?
Hero: Can you scratch my back? I tried on the lion suit, and it itches. Now I can’t stop scratching.
Foxxy: Sure! Here, turn your back toward me. (Hero does so, and she starts scratching his back) You know, I had the same problem with my costume! Maybe it’s because they old and packed in mothballs for too long? (Still scratching Hero’s back with one hand, she tries to scratch her own back with her other hand) Here, I’ve got an idea. (She turns, and presses her back against Hero’s and starts moving up and down) Ooh, that’s nice!
Hero: Oh….yeah! Keep going!
Cut to Ling-Ling peeking in the doorway. He puts his hands over his mouth and chuckles.
Hero: (moving a bit to increase the friction) Oh, and Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ahh-ummm, yes, Hero?
Hero: Um, well, you know the part where Dorothy slaps me across the face? (Foxxy stops moving) Well, uh, make sure she doesn’t hit me too hard, okay?
Foxxy: (looks puzzled for a moment, then shrugs and resumes rubbing her back against Hero’s) Well, if Xandir gets the part, you won’t have to worry about that! He hits like a girl.
Xandir: (from off-screen, sings) Somewherrrrre, over the rainbowwww!
Foxxy: Speaking of girls.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
The show opens on a shot of the yard by the Drawn Together house. We see the housemates engaged in play tryouts, taking turns reading from scripts on a little stage, similar to the one in Clum Babies. Sitting in the front row of chairs is the Jew Producer, flanked by Mrs. Baker (from Clara’s Dirty Little Secret & Spelling Applebee’s) and a lady with brown hair, a maroon shirt and pink pants (seen in many episodes) All three of them are holding clipboards. Beyond the small stage, where the Indian casino once stood, we see about twenty small purple Genies (from Gay Bash) hard at work building a theatre.
Xandir: (in confessional) (singing)
The wind began to switch
the house to pitch
And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch
Just then the witch,
to satisfy an itch
Went flying on her broomstick thumbing for a hitch
(giggles) This is, like, the best challenge ever! The Jew Producer wants us to put on a production of The Wizard of Oz! Bet you’ll never guess which character I’m hoping to get, right? I’ll give you a hint – I’ve always been a friend of hers, but here’s my chance to BE her! Well? Give up? Oh…yeah, I can’t hear you. Anyway, get this! Remember my first boyfriend when I came out? And I thought I would never see him again when Lord Slashstab swooped down and scooped him up and took him away? Well, he finally escaped and he’s back!
The Genie (now full size) saunters in and sits on the armrest. He looks at the camera.
Genie: (flirtatiously) Hi…
Xandir: (giggles) Oh you…
The Genie kisses Xandir’s cheek, winks at the camera, then leaves.
Xandir: So, he offered to help with the show, build the theatre, paint the set, handle the props and costumes, be my sex slave, and my own personal dresser IF I tried out for Dorothy! Oooh, gee, like twist my arm already! (sings) “My boyfriend’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble!” Or should I say boyfriends? I forgot that he can multiply! We can have an orgy if we want to! (giggles) Oh, and the Jew Producer said we could keep the costumes after the show! (sighs) It’s a dream come true…(as Xandir continues talking, the image of him changes to a dream-like sequence. We see him dressed up as Dorothy, complete with the brown wig with pigtails. He clutches the basket and bats his eyes at someone on his left, and the camera pulls back to reveal the Genie stretched out the bed, holding a long stem red rose. Sultry music begins to play as Xandir begins his slow, slow striptease. Suddenly, we hear a knocking at the door.
Cut to Xandir in the confessional, tsking at the door.
Xandir: Um, like, I’ll be a few minutes, okay? So, anyway…
Cut back to the dream sequence. We see a close-up of Xandir’s feet in the glittering ruby slippers as they slowly step over the dress that is now on the floor.
Xandir (voice-over): You’re probably wondering if I keep the ruby slippers on….
The camera pulls back and we see the back view of a naked Xandir, except for the shoes, jump on top of the Genie. We hear knocking again.
Cut to Xandir in the confessional.
Xandir: (flailing his arms angrily) What? I’m telling a story!
Clara’s voice: And do you really think the viewers want to hear every single detail about your sex life?
Xandir: Well, *most* of them do!
Clara’s voice: Come on, Xandir! You’ve been in there long enough!
Xandir: (whining) I was just getting started with my story!
We hear Clara groan, then retreat. Xandir smirks, clears his throat and continues.
Xandir: So yeah, anyway, of course I would leave the shoes on. I mean my feet are pretty and all, when I shave them, of course. But they’ll look even prettier with those ruby slippers on, and it will look much nicer when I – (he is interrupted again by a knock)
Toot’s voice: Oh, Xaaandirrrr!
Xandir: Oh, hey, Toot! I’ll just be another minute, okay?
Toot’s voice: Aw, come on, Xandir! Can’t a girl get a chance to talk? I haven’t been in there all week!
Xandir: Aw, I’m sorry Toot!
He opens the door – to see Clara standing there. She promptly blocks the door with her foot so he can’t pull it shut. Xandir looks around.
Xandir: I thought I heard Toot.
Clara: (in Toot’s voice) You did! Hee hee!
Xandir: You little sneak! How did you do that?
Clara: (in normal voice) Oh, I can do anything…(in Toot’s voice) big boy!
Xandir: (tries to pull the door shut) Well, *you* can wait!
Clara: (stepping further into the confessional) Xandir, you have a phone call. You don’t want to keep Fernando waiting, do you?
Xandir: Oh my God! Fernando!
Clara: (very serious) He sounded angry, Xandir. He said you have a lot of explaining to do!
Xandir: Well, instead of joking around, why didn’t you just say so? (he rushes off)
Clara: (in Toot’s voice) I just did! (she pulls the door shut, then sits down in the chair and resumes her normal voice) Wow, that was too easy.
CUE OPENING TITLES
All the housemates, except for Xandir and Clara, are watching T.V. Mrs. Baker silently enters the living room unnoticed, and begins tacking a single piece of paper on the wall. Once it’s up, she turns around and clears her throat. The housemates turn to look at her, and she runs out.
Foxxy: Ooh, that must be the cast list!
They all get up and rush over to read it. They all start talking at once, with mixed reactions of surprise or despair. Toot begins dancing around the room excitedly.
Foxxy: Damn, Toot, I didn’t think you’d be this excited about playing the witch!
Toot: Of course I’m excited! It’s the lead! (She stops dancing, and gets a worried look on her face). Wow, I’m really going to have to learn a *lot* of lines!
Foxxy: Not-uh. Dorothy has the most lines, Toot.
Toot: Not-uh yourself! Dorothy doesn’t even APPEAR. See? (She points to the cast list. We see a quick close-up of it:
Wicked Witch of the West: Toot
Scarecrow: Foxxy
Tin Woodsman: Spanky
Cowardly Lion: Hero
The Wizard: Wooldoor
Toto: Ling-Ling
Glinda: TBD
Spanky: Let me see that. (snatches the cast list off the wall) Um, Toot? I hate to burst your bubble, but there’s a line here at the bottom that says “Callbacks for Dorothy: Clara and Xandir.” So Dorothy DOES appear. You’re thinking of “Wicked.”
Foxxy: Yeah. Wrong show, Toot!
Toot: Goddammit! Eh well, I better practice my cackling then. (She takes a deep breath) AAH HAHAHAAAAA! (A glass on the counter shatters, along with the window above the sink) Oppsie!
Spanky: Hey, Toot, that was pretty good!
Toot: Want me to do it again?
Spanky: No.
Wooldoor: You know, I was so sure they were going to cast me as the Scarecrow. But I get to play the Wizard! Wheeeeeee!
Foxxy: Yeah, I’s the Scarecrow. (sings flatly) “if I only had a brain….(with sudden passion) BABY!” (sighs) Is that Jew Producer trying to tell me somethin or what?
Spanky: Yeah. I know what you mean. I got the Tin Man who doesn’t have a heart. Am I really that big of an asshole?
Foxxy: Well….
Wooldoor: Well…
Spanky: Wait. Don’t answer that.
Hero: Oh, come on, you guys! I don’t think they are trying to tell us anything! Look, I have the part of the Cowardly Lion and everyone knows that’s not me! They just need someone with some manly charisma to be able to belt out (sings) “I am the King of the Forreeeest!” (He trills his voice on “forest”, and another window shatters)
Foxxy: (putting her hands to her head) Oh, Lordy! It’s a good thing we ain’t doing this show in the house!
Toot: You know, Hero….I think you’re perfect for the Cowardly Lion! Sure, you’re brave most of the time, but I’ve seen you get scared of all kinds of things!
Hero: Hah! Name one!
Toot: Well, Clara’s octopussoir
Hero: Oh, please! Everyone was terrified of that thing!
Foxxy: I wasn’t.
Hero: Okay fine! *Most* of us were scared, and that’s just one!
Toot: Don’t forget the 1,000 dead Indians…
Hero: Well…yeah, okay.
Toot: And the paraplegic, homeless bully at the supermarket…
Hero: (sighs) Okay, okay – hey, how did you know he was a paraplegic?
Toot: Oh, Clara told me everything.
Hero: Fine. So we’re done then!
Toot: No….there’s one thing that I’ll bet that scares you more than any of those things combined.
Hero: Tsunamis?
Toot: Commitment!
Hero: (gasps and turns white) You’re right! But (calms himself) well, okay, who isn’t a little afraid of that? (The others think for a moment, then one by one, they nod in agreement) But, those are just a few things. The Cowardly Lion, unlike me, is afraid of just about everything!
Toot: Sure, Hero….whatever you say.
Hero: That’s right! (He folds his arms, but then becomes thoughtful and starts to look a little worried).
Ling-Ling: If Coward Lion were really Brave Lion, Ling-Ling get that part! (sighs) But of course Ling-Ling get dog. Despite what Ling-Ling said in pilot episode…
Flash back to the Hot Tub episode.
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling no dog! Ling-Ling here to destroy all! And give children seizure!
Cut to the present. Spanky walks over to Ling-Ling.
Spanky: You know, Ling-Ling, if you get bored, there’s always plenty to do *behind* the scenes (nudges him playfully) if you know what I mean.
Ling-Ling: (puzzled) Honorable Pig Demon say I go backstage and get freak on with gay Genies?
Spanky: No…
Ling-Ling gives him a puzzled look. Spanky begins whispering in his ear. Ling-Ling smiles.
Cut to another room in the house. Clara and Xandir are sitting in plush chairs outside of a closed door that has a sign on it that says “Jew Director”. Clara is curled up in one of the chairs, rubbing her foot and wincing in pain. Her shoes are on the floor.
Clara: I had no idea they were going to ask us to do the famous Judy Garland Yellow Brick Road Skip. I didn’t think it would be that hard. All those years of private dance lessons and I go and slip and twist my ankle! But you….you managed to nail it!
Xandir: Hellooooo? I’ve been practicing that skip for, like, ever!
Clara: Yeah, I think I’ve seen you *do* the skip.
Xandir: Well, it is a little easier than my spin-jump, actually. (He gets up and begins pacing)
Clara: Do you have to pace?
Xandir: I can’t help it! I pace when I’m nervous. Even though we’ve come this far, once they hear us sing again, I’m just scared that I’m gonna get up there and suck - and not in a good way.
Clara: Please, spare me the sexual innuendos, if you would.
Xandir: Oh, I’m sorry. Heard more than enough earlier from eavesdropping on me when I was in the confessional, did you?
Clara: Are you still mad about that?
Xandir: Oh, gee, about nearly having a heart attack thinking that Fernando knew about the Genie before I had a chance to tell him? Oh, no, Clara, I’m not mad.
Clara: Well, I’m sorry about that, but you’ve been hogging the confessional all week, when you *should* be telling Fernando the truth! He *is* your boyfriend, right?
Xandir: Well, he is…but…he’s away at a fashion show in London…and the Genie is back, and…well, it’s complicated.
Clara: (scoffs) I’ll say!
Xandir: (scoffs mockingly) You, of all people, wouldn’t understand!
Clara: You’re right, I wouldn’t!
Xandir scowls at her, and then continues to pace.
Clara: Xandir, please, don’t pace. Now you’re making *me* nervous!
Xandir: Oh, *you’ll* do just fine!
Clara: Well…I know I will. But, you know, you do pretty well for yourself whenever we all go out for karaoke.
Xandir: But that’s different! It would always take me a few drinks to get up there and sing and think I sound remotely decent! I haven’t had the kind of the training you’ve had, Clara, all those private voice lessons…and from the best teachers, no doubt.
Clara: Well, one: you shouldn’t drink *especially* before you’re going to sing (Xandir rolls his eyes) and don’t give me that look, I’ve heard it’s bad for your sinuses. And two: I’ve had a lot more practice singing in church. (smiles) But Father said I was a natural.
Clara: (in confessional) And this will be the first time Father will get to see me in a play! Unless you count the “ballet” Foxxy and I did. I don’t. Well, okay, he said he loved me, but he’ll love me a lot more when he sees me in the show!
Xandir: (stops pacing and sits down) Oh who am I kidding? (whining) I don’t even know why I’m bothering. You’ll win by a landslide.
Clara: Maybe I won’t, or maybe I will!
Xandir: You will. (bitterly) You always seem to get whatever you want. Must be nice.
Clara: Xandir…I don’t always get what I want.
Xandir: Oh, sure you do! Some of us had to go through some hard times, living from hand to mouth, but you…you’ve had the life most people could only dream about, with everything handed to you on a silver platter!
Clara opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by Horatio (from Ghostesses in the Slot Machine). Horatio swoops in and lands on the armrest of Clara’s chair, holding a note in his beak.
Xandir: …or handed to you by a prized bird! Oh gee, let me guess, that custom-made necklace you ordered is finally ready!
Clara: (lightly pats Horatio and takes the rolled from his beak) Xandir, it’s just a note from my father. Really, what’s your problem all of a sudden?
Xandir: You!
Clara holds the note and stares at him. Xandir continues to glare at her, but after a moment he calms down and sits in one of the chairs. Clara looks back down at her note, but doesn’t open it.
Xandir: I’m sorry, Clara. I didn’t mean that. Here I am, up against you, and you’ve…always been so lucky…and you have the perfect voice for the part. I want to play Dorothy more than *anything* in the world, and….I just know that you’ll get it! (He buries his face in his hands and begins to sob)
Clara: (emphatically) Xandir…
Xandir: (cheerfully, looking up with dry eyes) Hey, look, Clara, if you want to do an act of kindness and let me have the part - I’ll be your best friend!
Clara: What!? (rolls her eyes) Oh, puh-lease, but we all know that Toot is your best friend! At least she is this week!
Xandir: If you were Jesus, you would let me have the part!
Clara: (thinks for moment, then shakes her head) Don’t do that, Xandir.
Xandir: (standing up) And Dorothy IS a gay icon! You wouldn’t want to be associated with a gay icon…would you?
Clara: (flatly) Stop it.
Xandir: And you know, I think you should step out anyway, seeing that you hurt your foot. You won’t be able to walk, let alone skip-
Clara: Hah! Thanks for all your concerns, Xandir, but I think my foot and my soul will fine. Look, hasn’t it occurred to you that I want this part just as badly as you do? I’ve never had the chance to be in a play before, let alone play the lead, and, more than anything, I want my father to see me –
Xandir: (flatly) He already has
Clara: -do more than just dance! Now, if you think you can just talk me into bowing out just so that you can have your sick, disgusting and, might I add, unfaithful, little fantasy with the Genie-
Xandir: Oh, here we go, another speech! (He shuts his eyes and puts his fingers in his ears and starts yelling childishly) Aaah! Lalalalalala! Not listening!
Clara shakes her head in disgust, shrugs and then opens the note and begins to read it. Suddenly, she shuts her eyes and bows her head in sadness, crumpling the note in her hand. Xandir continues his childish yelling. After a moment, Clara stands up, picks up Horatio, and limps over to Xandir. Horatio, already a little flustered by the noise, begins to flap his wings. Clara holds Horatio right in Xandir’s face; Horatio squawks and starts flapping violently. Xandir opens his eyes, shrieks, and falls to the floor in a faint. Horatio then settles down. The “Jew Director” door opens, and the Producer comes out. He and Clara look at Xandir, sprawled on the floor. They look at each other and down at Xandir again. The scene fades out…
Cut to Hero in the confessional
Hero: Even though I am technically the bravest one in the house, being a superhero and all, Toot’s last comment was really bugging me! Was there something else out there she knew about that scared me? That I didn’t know about? Or remember? Am I missing something?
Toot: (from outside) Don’t forget the League of Heros asking to see you at the 3 o’clock bell!
Hero: Oh, haha, nice try, Clara! Run along now, you’ll get your turn.
Toot: (from outside) Nice try yourself! How would Clara know about this, she’s in the other story!
Hero: Eh, what do I care? This is the main story, anyway!
Toot: (from outside) Are you *sure* about that? Or are you afraid she might upstage you for once and actually get more screen time?
Hero: (opens the door) WHY are you doing this to me? (runs off wailing)
Toot: (steps into the confessional and sits down and looks at the camera) Yeesh! What a baby!
Ling-Ling: (pokes his head in) Yeah! What baby!
Toot: (waves him away) Run along now, Ling-Ling. You may speak when I’m done.
Ling-Ling: Baker woman want you to try on costume and paint.
Toot: Paint? (excited) Ohhh, paint! That’s right! (looks at the camera again) Ooh, I get to be in color! (sadly) It’s no wonder I was a wallflower at the dance – especially when the walls were white, no one could see me!
Ling-Ling: Bah, fact you are black and white cow have nothing to do with it. Boys at silly dances are really….uh….deep as ocean.
Toot: (angry) Can’t a girl finish talking around here?
Ling-Ling: (angry) Baker want you now!
Toot: (bats her eyes) Of course she does! (looks at the camera again) I’m kidding! (worried) Really, I’m kidding! So don’t get any ideas that I’m a lesbian either, okay?
Ling-Ling: (starts pulling Toot out of the room) Move! Move, move, mooooooooove! (Toot leaves, and Ling-Ling shuts the door. He hops onto the chair and smiles evilly.) Honorable Pig Demon tell me how to put itching powder in costume.
Cut to Hero’s room. Hero is sitting on his bed sulking, scratching his shoulders from time to time. The furry lion costume is draped over a chair. Next to him on the bed is a copy of the script.
There is a knock at the door.
Hero: Not now! I’m…trying to learn my lines!
Foxxy: (entering) Well, Hero, I can help with that. (She holds up her script) I needs to work on my lines, too. Since we in a lot of the same scenes, we can help each other!
Hero: Oh….well, okay.
Foxxy: (sits down on the bed next to him) Hero, I know you’re a little upset –
Hero: (indignant) I’m not upset!
Foxxy: Surrrre, you’re not! Come on, now. Let’s talk about this, okay?
Hero: (sighs) Okay.
Foxxy: Good. Now look, I think you’re getting all bent out of shape thinking the producer is typecasting. And maybe he is, a little. But you don’t see ME getting all bent out of shape thinking he saying I’s stupid, do you?
Cut to Foxxy in the confessional
Foxxy: You think the Foxxy don’t know how many times them goddamn white producers edit me to make me look dumb? I could probably count my fingers and have none left over! (begins to count, then stops) But…there ain’t no time for that now…
Cut back to Foxxy talking to Hero.
Foxxy: So what if you afraid of a few things. I think all superheroes have to be at some point. Ain’t nobody perfect!
Hero: But, Foxxy, when I think about it, I’m finding that I really am afraid of a lot more things than I thought I was!
Foxxy: Like what?
Hero: Well…I’m…afraid to tell you because you’ll just laugh at me. See? There’s another one!
Foxxy: I won’t.
Hero: (uncomfortably) Okay, but…well, we *really* should be learning our lines, you know!
Foxxy: I know. But if there’s anything you needs to get off that big ole chest of yours, I’m here to listen.
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy. (He scratches his shoulder and tries to reach for his back) You know what you can really help me with?
Foxxy: What, Hero?
Hero: Can you scratch my back? I tried on the lion suit, and it itches. Now I can’t stop scratching.
Foxxy: Sure! Here, turn your back toward me. (Hero does so, and she starts scratching his back) You know, I had the same problem with my costume! Maybe it’s because they old and packed in mothballs for too long? (Still scratching Hero’s back with one hand, she tries to scratch her own back with her other hand) Here, I’ve got an idea. (She turns, and presses her back against Hero’s and starts moving up and down) Ooh, that’s nice!
Hero: Oh….yeah! Keep going!
Cut to Ling-Ling peeking in the doorway. He puts his hands over his mouth and chuckles.
Hero: (moving a bit to increase the friction) Oh, and Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ahh-ummm, yes, Hero?
Hero: Um, well, you know the part where Dorothy slaps me across the face? (Foxxy stops moving) Well, uh, make sure she doesn’t hit me too hard, okay?
Foxxy: (looks puzzled for a moment, then shrugs and resumes rubbing her back against Hero’s) Well, if Xandir gets the part, you won’t have to worry about that! He hits like a girl.
Xandir: (from off-screen, sings) Somewherrrrre, over the rainbowwww!
Foxxy: Speaking of girls.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
