DTBL episode 32: The Nakeder Truth

[Raymond-Raymond]

THE NAKEDER TRUTH

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The camera zooms in on a shot of the front door. The door opens. Spanky Ham steps out.

Spanky: (calling back inside the house) Hey, everyone! I'm going to get the mail! (There is no answer.) Guys? I'm going to get the mail! (There is still no answer.) You know, it's not even my turn to go get the mail but I'm being a nice guy and doing it anyway! You know why? Cause I'm a nice-

Toot: (calling from inside the house) Oh, stop milking the moment, Spanky! You're just getting the damn mail!

Xandir: (calling from inside the house) Yeah, it's not like you offered to retrieve the magical ring from the fiery volcano like a certain someone around here did!

Foxxy: (from inside the house) That was me, Xandir.

As the camera stays on a shot of Spanky continuing to stand on the doorstep, the conversation inside the house continues.

Xandir: Did I say it wasn't?

Toot: You implied it was you, douchebag!

Xandir: Well, it could have been me!

Foxxy: Well, Xandir, if you're so dead set on being a hero, you could go clean the toilet like it's your turn to do!

Xandir: But ewwwww! I might get icky stuff on my hands!

Toot: That's what we have the latex gloves for, Xandir.

Xandir: Sorry. I already used those for something else. (Spanky continues to stand on the doorstep just staring.)

Foxxy: Oh, goddammit, Xandir, did you use those gloves as makeshift condoms again?

Xandir: Well, I really wanted Alfredo to give me oral sex, but he didn't want to get his mouth all over my penis!

Toot: Maybe he has a metal allergy.

Xandir: No, cause then we couldn't do that thing of his where I chain him to the bedpost. (He giggles.) Hee hee! I'm kinky!

Foxxy: Chaining somebody to the bedpost ain't that kinky, Xandir.

Xandir: Chaining him to Clara's bedpost? While she's still sleeping?

Toot: That's not kinky, Xandir, that's suicidal. If Clara catches you doing that, she's going to kick your ass into next week.

Xandir: (obviously intrigued) Oh... she will?

Foxxy: Nice going, Toot, you got him started again!

Toot: Well, it was your idea to use those gloves as condoms in the first place!

As the conversation continues, Spanky turns to the camera.

Spanky: You people ever wonder what we do to save money on animation? There's your answer right there.

Spanky finally walks to the mailbox. The camera POV changes to behind the mailbox. Spanky opens it up. We see that the contents of the mailbox are glowing, similar to how the suitcase glowed in Pulp Fiction.

Spanky: (in awe) Wow... (He turns back to the house.) All right, which one of you assholes ordered the radioactive waste?

Spanky (in confessional): I stood there for a moment before I realized that the contents of the mailbox were not, in fact, radioactive waste, but something much, much cooler!

Wooldoor (darting in): Cooler than radioactive waste?

Spanky (frustrated): Are we ever going to fix the lock on that door?

Cut back to the present. Spanky reaches inside the mailbox and pulls out what's inside. He is holding an ordinary looking package. We see that the label is addressed to Spanky Ham.

Spanky: Could this be what I've been waiting for? (He gleefully rips the package open. His face lights up.) It is! Oh, my God, it finally came! After all this time, I finally have the Holy Grail right here in my hands!

The camera cuts to a shot of the object Spanky is holding. It is a DVD box. The label features an image of two women hugging and groping each other under a palm tree while a third woman wearing nothing but an eye patch and a do-rag stands over them watching intently while touching herself provocatively. The title of the DVD is "Whores' Adventures on Whore Island". The camera cuts back to Spanky looking at the cover with eagerness.

Spanky: The sickest, dirtiest porn movie that's ever been made! Next to Steel Magnolias, of course.

Cut to Spanky in the middle of a thater full of women. The women are all watching the movie and weeping uncontrollably. Spanky looks around with a lascivious grin on his face. As we hear the sound of a zipper, the scene changes back to the present.

Spanky: Well... time to go live up to my name! (He grabs the box and runs back into the house. We see Foxxy, Xandir, and Toot sitting there watching TV.) Hey, guys! Can I have the TV?

Toot: Not now, Spanky! Can't you see we're watching The Incredibles?

Elastigirl: (on TV) (in the car) We can't tell people we have super powers, Dash!

Dash: But, Mom, you said our super powers made us special!

Elastigirl: I meant retarded special, Dash.

Dash: Ohhhhhh.

Elastigirl: We'll talk about it later. First we have to pick up your sister.

The camera cuts to a shot of the car pulling up in front of the school. We see Violet standing in front of the school. She wears a football helmet, an overcoat, and corrective shoes.

Elastigirl: Violet! Come on! (Violet turns and looks at her, but does not move or speak.) Come on, Violet... look what I've got! (She holds up a large glittery ball.) A bright shiny object!

Violet makes the Bleh noise, then runs to the car and gets in. The camera cuts to a long shot of the car driving away.

Elastigirl: Dammit, Violet, I told you no force fields while I'm trying to drive!

Violet makes the Bleh noise again. The scene cuts back to the housemates.

Spanky: Oh, forget it, you guys suck! And Xandir- if you dare take that as a sexual innuendo... I'm going to put magnets in your underwear again!

Xandir: (quickly covering his privates) You wouldn't!

Spanky: Oh, I would, Xandir! So watch it!

Spanky goes upstairs. Foxxy and Toot turn to Xandir, who has a look of intense fear on his face.

Toot: Xandir, since when do you even WEAR underwear?

Xandir: (suddenly calms down) Oh, yeah. Good point.

Cut to the upstairs hallway. Spanky knocks on one of the doors.

Spanky: Hey, Clara! Can I come in? Are you dressed?

Clara: Sure thing, Spanky!

Spanky: Damn! (He enters. Clara is sitting at her desk using her computer.) Hey, Clara, can I borrow your computer when you're done with it? Mine doesn't have a DVD drive.

Clara: Are you going to use it to watch porn?

Spanky: Yes.

Clara: How bad is it?

Spanky: It's pretty raunchy.

Clara: Naked women?

Spanky: Of course.

Clara: Lesbian action?

Spanky: Probably.

Clara: Paraphernalia?

Spanky: This one chick on the back of the box is holding something that looks like a vibrator in the shape of the Statue of Liberty.

Clara: I see. Are there any men in this movie? Oh, wait, I forgot. You don't rent that kind.

Spanky: Oh, I didn't rent this one. I bought it.

Clara: You bought it? Hmmm... this must be a porn film of epically dirty proportions. What's it called?

Spanky: Whores' Adventures on Whore Island.

Clara: I see. What's the plot?

Spanky: Bunch of naked women running around an island and occasionally stopping to have sex with each other.

Clara: Ebert and Roeper?

Spanky: Two penises up!

Clara: Your mom?

Spanky: Not in it.

Clara: Well... okay. (She gets up.) Just don't touch the keyboard with the same hand you touch your... you know.

Spanky: Trust me, Clara, if there's one thing Spanky Ham knows, it's how to enjoy a little erotic activity without messing up expensive electronic equipment!

Clara: I just wish Xandir possessed that same skill.

Cut to the kitchen. The place is in shambles. Xandir stands in the center of the room completely naked and covered in soot as the housemates stand back looking at him with disapproval. Black smoke pours from the microwave.

Xandir: Sorry, guys, I thought I found a setting that would work this time!

Hero: (to Foxxy) Does this mean I've been dethroned as the house pervert?

Cut back to Clara's room. Clara exits. Spanky sits down at her computer. He puts the DVD in the tray and inserts it. He begins rubbing his hands together. However, the smile quickly leaves his face.

Spanky: What the hell? (We see the screen. There is a message on it that says "Error: Disc not found. Please reinsert.") Oh, believe me, I'll reinsert! But first, I'm going to put this movie back in! (He ejects the disc and reinserts it. However, the computer spits the disc right back out. Undaunted, Spanky slides the disc back in and holds the tray in so the computer can't eject it. The computer acts like it's reading the disc, but after a moment it stops. Another message pops up on the screen. "Program error. File not recognized.") Oh, don't tell me even Clara's COMPUTER is a prude! (Clara pops her head back in the door.)

Clara: Oh, Spanky, I forgot to tell you. My computer's DVD drive is on the fritz, so you may not be able to play your DVD. Sorry. (Spanky glares.)

Spanky: Thanks for the info, Clara.

Clara: (cheerfully) You're welcome! (She exits again. Spanky, frustrated, gets up, takes his DVD, and walks out.)

Spanky: Great. So now what do I do? (He suddenly gets an idea.) Oh, wait! Xandir has a computer! I'll just use his!

Cut to Spanky approaching the door of the guys' room. He opens the door and goes in. Hero is sitting at Xandir's computer.

Spanky: Hey, Hero! I've got something here I think you might be- (Immediately Hero sees Spanky and begins to panic.)

Hero: No!!! (He gets up and grabs Spanky.) Spanky, you have to get out of here right now! (He begins ushering Spanky to the door.) This is private! (He pushes Spanky out the door and closes and locks it. Spanky sighs in frustration and turns back to the door.)

Spanky: Oh, come on, Hero! I've got porn! What could you possibly have going on in there that's better than porn?

Cut to Hero browsing a website called "Online Comics". We see a gallery of old comic book covers. The camera zooms in on a cover which features an image of Hero beating up Batman while Robin looks on. The cover blurb reads "Captain Hero is a dick!". A smaller blurb underneath it reads, "Why is Captain Hero beating up Batman this way? (Does he really need a reason?)". Cut back to Hero eagerly looking at the comic.

Hero: Now to read the comic and find out just what I have against Batman anyway! (He clicks and is immediately disappointed!) Awwwwww! I accidentally clicked on the one where Jimmy Olsen gets super powers! (Cut back to Spanky outside.)

Spanky: (banging on the door) Hero, come on! Let me in! I've got the hottest porno film in the world right here in my hands and I don't have any place to watch it!

Hero: (from inside the door) You can watch it later, Spanky!

Spanky: Oh, come on, Hero! You know how it is! When you need to see a naked woman, you need to see one right now! And I need to see one right now! (There is silence.) Hero?

We see something slide under the door. Spanky leans over and picks it up. It is a piece of paper. He turns the paper over and looks at it. It is an extremely poor stick figure drawing of a woman with comically exaggerated stick breasts. Spanky is not amused.

Spanky: Oh, ha ha, Hero! Now come on, you know what it is I need!

Another piece of paper slides under the door. Spanky picks it up and looks at it. It is another stick figure woman, only with her body angled to reveal her stick crotch.

Spanky: God, Hero, not only do you give me DRAWINGS of porn, they're not even good drawings! I thought you were supposed to be some kind of artist! Can't you draw any better than that? (There is silence again.) Hero?

Another piece of paper slides under the door. Spanky picks it up and takes a look at it. His eyes grow extremely wide. His jaw drops open.

Spanky: Oh my God... this is the hottest drawing of a naked woman I've ever seen! Next to Jessica Rabbit, that is.

Yet another piece of paper slides under the door. Spanky picks it up. His hand covers the naughty bits, but we can tell by the face it is Jessica Rabbit. The angle changes to a shot of Spanky from the front. He is awestruck.

Spanky: Bravo, Hero, Bravo!

Spanky proceeds to sit down in the floor and unzip his pants. Moments later, we see Clara walking down the hall. She comes to Spanky. He is completely naked, the drawing of Jessica Rabbit covering his penis. There is a look of extreme contentment on his face. Clara looks at him disapprovingly.

Spanky: Oh, hey, Clara.

Clara: Spanky, while I appreciate the fact that you left my computer area first, I was kind of hoping you'd make it all the way back to your room before you starting going at it with yourself like that!

Spanky shrugs.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Spanky and Hero are in Hero's room. Hero is sitting at a desk with a set of art pencils out.

Spanky: Okay. Now do Foxxy. (Hero quickly does a drawing and hands it to Spanky.) Nice! How about Unusually Flexible Girl? (Hero quickly does another drawing and hands it to Spanky.) Awesome! You're right, that IS one creepy tattoo that girl has. Okay... now draw that girl we saw on the bus yesterday. (Hero does another quick drawing and hands it to Spanky. He looks at it disappointedly.) No... the other one. The hot one! (Hero hands Spanky another drawing.) Dammit, Hero, that's not the right girl either! I meant the blonde who looked like she was about to fall out of her shirt! (Hero hands Spanky another drawing. Spanky looks at it disapprovingly.)

Hero: Still not her? (Spanky shakes his head.) Okay, Spanky, how about we do this? (Hero gets out a larger piece of paper. He makes a few lines on it and hands it back to Spanky, who is amazed.) There. I just drew the entire bus. You point to the girl you want me to draw and I'll do her.

Spanky: Wow, Hero! You drew the entire busload of people from memory? That's incredible! And you made them all naked, too! How'd you do that?

Hero: I have a gift for picturing people naked... and remembering what they look like naked and capturing a perfect likeness of said nakedness on paper or canvas!

Spanky: (a huge grin crosses his face) You know, Hero, maybe I gave up on your artistic talents too soon. I think we may be able to market this skill of yours after all!

Hero: You mean that, Spanky? I still have a chance to become a great artist?

Spanky: Absolutely. I think we can ride this naked painting thing of yours right to the top! And I think we should get started right away!

Hero: You bet, Spanky! (Hero grabs his palette and brush and sits eagerly in front of his easel.) Who do you want me to paint first?

Spanky: Oh, I think you know who *I* want to see naked!

Hero: Your wife?

Spanky: Well, yeah, there's her. But come on, Hero. Look at how simple her animation style is. She's just a random assemblage of circles and squares. Even a child could draw HER naked!

Cut to a classroom. A middle-aged pig wearing reading glasses and a tweed jacket teaches a group of students who all look like miniature versions of Spanky. The teacher holds a piece of paper in his hand and has a disapproving look on his face.

Teacher: Randy... (Spanky's son stands up.)

Son: Actually, it's Todd, sir.

Teacher: Randy, I don't think today's art assignment was "hand in a naked drawing of your mom".

Son: I never said who that was a drawing of. How do you know that's my mom?

Teacher: (looks uncomfortable for a moment) Um... never mind. Okay, back to work, everyone!

Cut back to the present.

Spanky: No, Hero, if you want to grow as an artist, you have to challenge yourself. I need you to paint someone who we never EVER see naked!

Hero: Janet Reno?

Spanky: Actually, I was thinking of Clara.

Hero: Oh, Clara! That's even better! (Hero eagerly goes to work. Spanky smiles. Hero stops for a moment and turns around.) Clara's hotter than Janet Reno. (Spanky nods. Hero goes back to work.)

Clara (in confessional): Ever since I'd married Ling-Ling, I'd been truly happy and at peace with myself. As our relationship grew, I found myself willing to do things I never would have considered when I was single. Why, we hadn't even been married two years when I found myself consenting to this thing called a "handy"! (She begins to blush.) Oh, my... I'm so naughty!

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling's room. Ling-Ling is standing looking annoyed while Clara kneels down with her hand on his nether regions. As she moves her hand around, she has a very confused look on her face.

Clara: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling, but I can't find it!

Ling-Ling: Carla?

Clara: Yes, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: You already holding it.

Clara: Oh. (She pauses for a moment.) So what do I do now?

Ling-Ling: Just rub it up and down.

Clara: Oh. Okay. (She begins moving her hand up and down.) Like that?

Ling-Ling: Carla?

Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: You lost it again. (He sighs.) You know what? Carla not worry about kinky sex right now. We do something else later.

Clara: I'm really sorry, Ling-Ling. I really wanted to do this for you!

Ling-Ling: (mildly disappointed) That okay. Ling-Ling guess it not Carla's fault Ling-Ling have such small penis.

Clara: Now, Ling-Ling, you know I don't care about that. I know a lot of women say size doesn't matter, but with me, I swear it's the truth.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know. Thanks, Carla.

Clara: (getting up) Well, I'm going to go get some lunch. You want to come with me?

Ling-Ling: Carla go ahead. Ling-Ling maybe catch up later.

Clara: Okay. I'll see you later, then. (She leaves. Ling-Ling stands there for a moment looking depressed. He sighs.)

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling believe Carla when she say she not care about size of Ling-Ling's penis. But Ling-Ling have to wonder. It sometimes hard for Ling-Ling to please himself... could something that small really be capable of pleasing human woman like Carla? But then he remember who he talking about. Thankfully for Ling-Ling, he with woman who have hardly any sex drive at all. Ling-Ling decide if Carla not able to pleasure Ling-Ling in person, she have to do it by proxy. (At this moment, a caption appears at the bottom of the screen: "We bet you're probably wondering where Ling-Ling ever learned a word like 'proxy'. We here at Drawn Together bought him a Word-a-Day calendar for his last birthday. Then we took it away from him when we realized that if he learned to speak proper English, he'd lose his hook.") That require Ling-Ling to look in closet for special item.

Ling-Ling begins rooting through the closet. He digs through various clothes and shoes before finally finding the object he is searching for. With a sense of triumph, he pulls it out- a pair of Clara's panties. He puts them to his face and takes a big sniff, then happily collapses back into the closet. As soon as he does so, we hear the sound of something whirring. Ling-Ling immediately snaps out of his state of ecstasy and bolts up. He turns around, looking for the source of the sound. He starts digging frantically through the closet. Finally, after clearing out nearly the entire closet, he comes face to face with the object of his search. It is a large box with two large vibrators protruding from the top bobbing up and down; in fact, it is the sexual device we saw Clara using in "Charlotte's Web of Lies". Ling-Ling stares at the box for a moment, his jaw nearly on the floor. After looking at the box for a moment, he turns his head in the direction of the door with an expression of utter disbelief.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Cut to Spanky and Hero in Hero's room. Hero is putting the finishing touches on his painting.

Hero: (finishing) Ta da! It's finished! So, Spanky... what do you think?

With an expression of awe on his face, Spanky puts his hand to his chest.

Spanky: You did it. Captain Hero, you magnificent bastard, you did it! That is EXACTLY what I imagine Clara to look like naked!

Hero: (smiling) Perfect! So is it time to do Janet Reno now?

Spanky: Now, Hero, you don't want to go challenging yourself too much too soon. Let's just pause a moment to reflect on your success so far.

Hero: Success? Spanky, I've only done one painting.

Spanky: Hero, you have just done what I've been trying to get this show's animators to do for years!

Hero: Start showering?

Spanky: No... draw Clara naked!

Hero: Wow! You really like Clara naked, don't you, Spanky?

Spanky: Of course I do! Don't you? (Hero shrugs. Spanky looks at him questioningly.) Hero? Are you gay again?

Hero: Of course not, Spanky! I just don't really see Clara as a sexual object anymore. (Spanky eyes him skeptically.)

Spanky: Alllllll right. Sure. Well, tell you what, Hero. You can go ahead and paint Janet Reno if you want. (He picks up the painting.) I am going to take this back to my room and have me some fun looking at Clara naked!

Hero: Spanky? Is that what this is about? Were you taking advantage of me just so that you could see Clara naked?

Spanky: Hey, not all of us have X-ray vision like you! Some of us gotta WORK to see women naked! Now it took me a few years, but I finally saw Clara naked, and I'm darn well going to enjoy it!

Just at that moment, the door flings open. We see Wooldoor and Toot standing there wide eyed.

Toot: You what?

Wooldoor: You saw Clara naked?

Toot: Does Clara know about this? That's a silly question. Obviously she doesn't, given that your ass is still here rather than having been kicked into next week!

Wooldoor: (to Toot) Weren't you downstairs?

Toot: I can move extremely quickly when the plot calls for it!

Spanky: Hey, relax, I didn't REALLY see Clara naked. Not live and in person, at least.

Wooldoor: Spanky, don't you remember, the Jew Producer said you had to get rid of all those spy cameras you had in the bathroom?

Spanky: He wouldn't have said that if the cameras had actually managed to catch someone naked besides Xandir every once in a while! Speaking of which, someone needs to tell that guy that the liquid soap dispenser is not a sex toy! But that's not what I'm talking about. Check this out!

He steps aside to reveal Hero's painting. Toot and Wooldoor look at the painting, Toot with disbelief and Wooldoor with awe.

Wooldoor: Wow! She's showing her boobies! (to Hero) She's got nice ones, doesn't she, Captain Hero?

Hero: I suppose.

Spanky: Hero's gay again, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Oh.

Hero: No, I'm not! I'm just not as keen on Clara's boobs as I used to be!

Spanky: You say potato...

Everyone looks at Toot.

Toot: What? You think just because someone mentions a food item in some tangentially related context, I'll immediately turn into a drooling, salivating glutton?

Spanky: It's what you usually do.

Toot: Maybe through the first three seasons. But now I've had character development!

Wooldoor: I wish *I* had character development!

Toot: But all that's beside the point! When Clara sees this, she is going to freak out!

Spanky: So who says she has to see it?

Wooldoor: The law of sitcom plots does.

Just at that moment, Clara pops through the door.

Clara: Hey, guys, just to let you know, Xandir just broke the microwave again, so I'm going to- (She sees the painting. Her eyes nearly pop out of her head.) OH MY GOD!!!

Toot: (to Spanky) Told you! (Clara storms over to the painting.)

Clara: What the hell is this?

Hero: It's a nude portrait of you, Clara.

Clara: I'm gullible, Hero, I'm not blind! What I mean is, who is responsible for this?

Toot: Spanky!

Wooldoor: No one likes a tattletale, Toot. (Toot sticks her tongue out at Wooldoor.)

Spanky: Hey, don't go putting this off on me! Captain Hero's the one who painted it!

Hero: But you're the one who told me to do it, Spanky! I wanted to paint Janet Reno!

Clara: (suddenly turns her head to Hero in surprise) Janet Reno? Never mind, I think I'm safer not knowing. (She turns back to the painting.) But this... this is an abomination! Hero, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Hero: Hey, don't blame me, it was Spanky's idea! I just painted it!

Clara: I know, that's why I'm mad! Hero, you're supposed to be this talented artist and look at this! (She points to the painting.) This is a complete travesty of my fabulous body! Look at those boobs- I know I have better boobs than THAT! And are those supposed to be my hips? Not only that, but you made the shape of my butt all weird! God, Hero, you couldn't even get my feet right, and I actually show you THOSE!

Spanky: (to Hero) I told you to put shoes on her!

Hero: Naked wearing shoes just looks weird to me!

Clara: This will definitely not stand. I swear, it's as if you'd never seen my naked body before in your life and you just GUESSED at what it must look like! (A caption appears at the bottom of the screen. "Yes, we realize that Hero did, in fact, see Clara's naked body in "Terms of Endearment". But that was a long time ago. And Hero's not exactly the brightest apple in the barrel. You honestly think he remembers back that far?)

Spanky: Clara, that's a very good point. Hero could never hope to capture your likeness without some sort of visual aid to go on. So, Clara, if you're so concerned about your body not being represented good enough... I think you're going to have to pose for it. (He smirks.) That's the only way to be sure it's done true to life!

Toot: Oh, Spanky, get real, how dumb do you think Clara is?

Clara: I think you're right, Spanky. (She turns to Hero.) Okay, Hero. I'll pose for you.

Hero: (surprised) You... you will? (Toot stares in disbelief. Spanky throws his arms up in triumph.)

Clara: Why not? It's not like this is some midnight peep show. This is art, after all. But I have some ground rules. It has to be a closed studio. No one else is allowed to see me but you.

Hero: Deal!

Clara: So when do you want to do this?

Hero: I'm ready if you are!

Clara: Okay. You go ahead and get your stuff set up, and I'll be back in a few minutes. Sound good?

Hero: Sounds good!

Clara: Good. (She starts to walk away, but stops.) Oh, and Hero?

Hero: Yes?

Clara: This IS all about art, isn't it? You're not just doing this to see me naked?

Hero: Rest assured, Clara. This erection I have has nothing to do with you!

Clara: Good. I'll see you in a few minutes, then. (She turns and walks out. Wooldoor and Toot follow her out. Spanky turns to Hero.)

Spanky: Dude... (He smiles.) Nice!

Hero: What do you mean?

Spanky: Clara is going to take her clothes off for you! You've reached the promised land!

Hero: Promised land?

Spanky: Man, I can't believe you were able to convince her it's all for art, that you don't have any interest in seeing her naked!

Hero: That's the truth, Spanky! I don't!

Spanky: (staring at Hero) Either you're gay or Foxxy has you really, really whipped.

Hero: Spanky, what happens between me and Foxxy on BDSM night is strictly between the two of us! Capische?

Spanky: Fine, fine.

Hero: Well, you'd better clear out, Spanky. Clara will be back shortly and she wants it to be a closed set.

Spanky: Closed set, eh? I see how it is. (Spanky walks over to the closet and arranges some clothes to conceal his presence there.) Don't worry, Hero. She'll never know I'm here!

Hero: That's right, Spanky, she won't. (He gets up and walks over to the closet.) Because you WON'T be here!

Spanky: What?

Hero: I promised Clara it would be a closed set, and by God, it WILL be! (He grabs Spanky out of the closet. The camera cuts to a shot of Spanky flying through the doorway, assisted by Hero's foot. Spanky hits the wall across the hall and falls to the ground. He immediately gets up and goes for the door, but it closes in his face. He tries to open it, but Hero quickly locks it. Spanky begins banging on the door.)

Spanky: Oh, come on, Hero, this isn't fair! I've been waiting for Clara to take her clothes off voluntarily for years! You HAVE to let me see her!

Hero: (through door) Sorry, pig! I made a promise and I intend to keep it!

Spanky: To be fair, you never actually used the word "promise"...

Hero: Go away, Spanky!

Spanky: (sighs in frustration) This isn't over, Hero. (He turns and begins to walk away.) A man who comes between Spanky and his prurient interests is a man with a death wish! (He leaves.)

Cut to the closet in Clara's room. Ling-Ling is staring intently at the machine.

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling not sure how strange machine end up in Clara's closet. But he remember seeing something like it in chocolate animal woman's room one time, so he figure it must be hers.

Cut to the girls' room. Foxxy and Toot are each sitting on their beds having a conversation.

Toot: And that's why I'm not allowed in Safeway anymore! (Foxxy nods. There is a knock at the door.)

Ling-Ling: (outside door) Foxxy? Ling-Ling need to speak with you about something.

Toot: It must be serious, Foxxy. He called you by your real name! (Foxxy gets up.)

Foxxy: (opening the door) What is it, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want to know why you keeping weird-looking machine in Carla closet.

Foxxy: What weird-looking machine? (Ling-Ling pulls out the sex toy from behind the door and sets it at Foxxy's feet.)

Ling-Ling: That! Ling-Ling find it in closet.

Foxxy: Why, Ling-Ling, that ain't mine!

Ling-Ling: (puts up hand) Oh, purrrease! Ling-Ling see chocolate animal woman using machine all the time! He know it hers!

Foxxy: No... (Foxxy walks over to the closet. She pulls out an identical machine and sets it on the bed.) THIS is mine! (Ling-Ling stares. His look shifts back and forth from the machine on Foxxy's bed to the one at his feet.)

Ling-Ling: But... how can there be two machines like this? Foxxy have spare? (Foxxy shakes her head. Ling-Ling turns to Toot.) It must belong to land whale then!

Toot: What is that? A sex toy? (Foxxy nods.) Couldn't be mine, then! When I started seeing Marty, I gave all my sex toys away to Toys for Tots!

Toot (in confessional): (wistfully) Those orphans had a VERY happy Christmas that year.

Toot: How come you still have yours, Foxxy? Things are pretty tight between you and Hero now, I would think you wouldn't need it anymore.

Foxxy: Oh, Captain Hero and I use the machine together! We incorporate it into our lovemaking!

Ling-Ling: So if toy not yours... and not Toot's... toy must belong to someone else! Someone else leave it in Carla closet without telling!

Foxxy: Ling-Ling... I'm going to try to say this as gently as I can. Are you sure that toy couldn't be Clara's?

Ling-Ling: Why Carla have sex toy? She get all the loving she need from Ling-Ling! No... machine have to belong to someone else. It just have to.

Foxxy: Well, Ling-Ling, I suppose you know your woman better than anyone. If you say it can't be hers, I guess it's not hers.

Ling-Ling: Will chocolate animal woman help Ling-Ling find out who machine belong to?

Foxxy: You bet I will, Ling-Ling. I gots to admit, the Foxxy is kind of curious herself who that machine belongs to!

Ling-Ling: Isn't there grammatical rule against speaking in first person and third person in same sentence?

Foxxy: (looks for a moment, then laughs) Ling-Ling, I think your woman's starting to rub off on you! (She pats his head as the two walk off together.)

Clara (in confessional): I have to admit, I was pretty nervous posing naked for Hero's paintbrush. Sure, Hero had been acting a lot more mature ever since he started dating Foxxy, but could I really trust him to control that massive libido of his? I had my doubts, but I felt like I owed him the opportunity to prove me wrong.

Clara knocks on the door to Hero's room. She is wearing her bathrobe with her princess dress on underneath.

Hero: (inside room) Come in!

Clara enters. She walks gingerly into the room and steps in front of Hero. He looks her up and down.

Clara: So are you ready to begin?

Hero: You bet I am, Clara! I can't wait for you to take your clothes off!

Clara: (suddenly becoming alarmed) You can't?

Hero: The sooner you get naked, the sooner I can start on my painting! And I'm really excited about it from an artistic standpoint!

Clara: (still suspicious, but giving Hero the benefit of the doubt) Right. From an artistic standpoint. (She clasps her hands together.) Okay, then. Where do you want me to be?

Hero: (points to the side of the room) Right over there.

Clara: (turning and looking) Oh, my!

The camera pans over to reveal the area Hero has set aside for Clara. Against a backdrop of a peaceful glade complete with a tree and a running brook, Hero has arranged a patch of grass for Clara to sit on.

Clara: This... this is incredible, Hero. Very lovely!

Hero: I thought the greenery of a woodland glade would contrast nicely with the auburn in your hair. And the brook matches your eyes. (Clara begins looking at the backdrop intently, her look almost fearful.)

Clara (in confessional): I honestly expected to get in the room and have Hero make some kind of asinine move on me. I figured I'd go in, he'd act like an ass, and I'd grab my things and leave. But now I could see he was actually serious about the painting. That meant I'd actually have to take my clothes off for him...

Cut back to Clara standing staring at the backdrop. She stands silent for a moment, lost in thought.

Hero: Clara? Clara, are you okay?

Clara: (snaps out of it and turns around) I'm sorry, what?

Hero: Clara, are you having second thoughts about doing this? If you're uncomfortable about it, you're welcome to back out.

Clara: No... no, that's fine. I want to do it. (She looks around.) No one else is here, right?

Hero: That's right.

Clara: Spanky's not hiding in the closet? Or under the bed? Or behind that fake tree?

Hero: I promise you, Clara. There isn't another living soul who can see you right now besides me! Unless you count Jesus! (Clara laughs.)

Clara: (smiling) Jesus. Of course.

Hero: Are you okay with Jesus seeing your naked body?

Clara: Eh. Jesus sees my naked body all the time.

Hero: And you're okay with that?

Clara: Well, he died for my sins, I figure if he wants to gawk at my goods, it's the least I can do for him. (Hero chuckles. Clara smiles. She looks around again.) So... I guess we're going to do this.

Hero: I guess we are.

Clara: Okay, then. Let's get started.

As Hero positions himself at his easel, Clara takes off her robe and sets it on the bed. She then turns and kicks her shoes off. Clara then takes a deep breath and does the sign of the cross. The camera cuts to a shot of her feet. We see her dress hit the floor. Clara's feet twitch nervously. The camera then cuts to a full-body shot. We see that Clara is wearing another dress.

Clara: Sorry, it's going to take me a minute to get through all the layers!

Clara takes off her dress to reveal yet another outfit underneath. The camera cuts to a shot of Clara's discarded clothes. Another dress hits the pile, then another, then another. As the clothes continue to pile up, the camera cuts to Foxxy and Ling-Ling entering the living room. Foxxy is holding the machine. In the living room, Spanky, Xandir, and Wooldoor are assembled watching TV.

Foxxy: Well, well, well! All the suspects assembled right here in one place! Isn't that convenient?

Spanky: What's the big surprise? Isn't this where we are most of the time?

Foxxy: The Foxxy got a question for you all. I wants to know who is the proud owner of this contraption right here! (She sets the machine down on the table. The guys all gather round to look at it.)

Wooldoor: Is that our new microwave? Xandir broke our other one!

Foxxy: This ain't a microwave, Wooldoor! It's a sex toy!

Xandir: What does it do?

Foxxy: (glaring at Xandir) It's a sex toy.

Xandir: It is? (He stares at it in confusion.) Where do you put your penis?

Spanky: Xandir, I think this is the kind of sex toy that women use.

Xandir: Oh. (He thinks for a minute.) So what do they put in there? (Spanky turns away in frustration.)

Wooldoor: Where did you guys get that?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling find it in Carla's closet.

Wooldoor: Oh my God... Clara still has that? (Everyone turns to Wooldoor in alarm.)

Foxxy: Wooldoor... what do you know about this machine?

Wooldoor: Um... nothing. Bye!

In a flash, Wooldoor leaps out of his seat and takes off back through the house. As Xandir and Spanky resume watching TV, Foxxy stands waiting patiently. After a moment, she sticks her hand out. Wooldoor suddenly appears in her grasp.

Wooldoor: How the hell did you do that?

Foxxy: I just waited for you to come back around and then I caught you!

Wooldoor: Well, it won't do you any good! Torture me all you like, I won't talk!

Foxxy: Actually, we was thinking of bribing you instead.

Wooldoor: Ooh! Can I have candy?

As Foxxy and Ling-Ling lead Wooldoor into the kitchen, the camera zooms in on Spanky grinning.

Spanky (in confessional): So... Clara had a sex toy! I guess Princess Prude wasn't as innocent as she claimed! Suddenly, I had an idea how I could horn in on Hero's art session!

Cut to Spanky knocking on the door upstairs.

Spanky: (knocking) Hey, Clara! Clara, can you come out here a moment? I need to talk to you!

Clara: (from inside room) I'm kind of busy, Spanky, can't it wait?

Spanky: Xandir got his penis caught in your sex toy! I think you'd better come see!

Clara: He got his what caught in my what?

Spanky: Xandir is using your sex toy, Clara! And he got his penis caught in it! You need to get out here right away!

Clara: (inside, to Hero) What's he saying?

Hero: He said that Xandir got his penis caught in your sex toy. (He pauses for a moment.) Since when do you have sex toys?

Clara: I bet I know what this is about. (There is a slight rustling in the room. Moments later, Clara opens the door clad in her robe.) Spanky, please go tell Xandir to stop trying to have sex with my hair straightener. Just because something has a hole that one could conceivably fit one's penis into, that does not make it a sex toy!

Spanky: I'm not talking about your hair straightener, Clara. I'm talking about something else.

Clara: What else?

Spanky: You know? That secret sex toy you have that you don't want anyone else to know about? (He winks at her.)

Clara: Spanky, what are you talking about?

Spanky: Clara, I'm gonna cut right to the chase. You let me in there to see Hero paint you, and no one has to know about the little "item" you're keeping hidden from all of us!

Clara: What item? Spanky, does Xandir have his penis stuck in my hair straightener or not?

Spanky: No! Now if you'll listen to me for a minute, I'll explain it to you!

Xandir: (voice) Hey, Clara?

Clara and Spanky turn to see Xandir walking down the hall. Spanky sighs in exasperation.

Xandir: Hey, Clara, I accidentally got my penis stuck in your hair straightener again. Can you help me get it out?

Clara: Sure, Xandir. (calls inside to Hero) Hey, Hero, you can go ahead and take a break now. I'll be back in a few!

Hero: (inside room) Okay!

Clara: (leading Xandir away) Come on, Xandir, we'll go back to my room. I think I have some latex gloves there.

Xandir: Ooh, latex gloves?

The door to Clara's room closes. Spanky stands in the hallway for a minute. He peers through the door to Hero's room. Once he ascertains that the coast is clear, he sneaks into the room. Moments later, he comes flying out again.

Hero: (appearing in doorway) I told you before, Spanky, you're not going to watch me paint Clara naked! I bet you think you're pretty clever sneaking in and trying to hide while my back is turned!

Spanky: How did you even know I was under Xandir's bed? I thought for sure you'd never look for me THERE! You're as afraid to go in there as I am!

Hero: When it comes to protecting a woman's honor, Spanky, Captain Hero leaves no stone unturned!

Hero goes back into the room. Spanky, still in disbelief, picks himself up and dusts himself off.

Spanky: Hey, Hero, if I see Foxxy, you want me to grab that thing you left in her room last night?

Hero: What's that?

Spanky: (angrily) Your balls!

Spanky turns and angrily walks down the hall. Hero pokes his head out the door and stares after Spanky with a confused look on his face. He looks down and opens his pants and looks inside.

Hero: What's Spanky talking about? I still have my balls! (He looks back up, still thoroughly confused.)

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Sockbat tell Ling-Ling and Foxxy everything. He talk about how Carla come to him for psychiatric care when she have nervous breakdown over incident with car crashes. He recommend she get machine for therapy, give her orgasms without causing death or dismemberment to others. Ling-Ling understand that... what make Ling-Ling sad is fact that Carla apparently still using machine despite now having Ling-Ling help her have orgasms. (He pauses sadly for a moment.) That is... if Ling-Ling even helping her have orgasms.

Cut to Ling-Ling in his room. He stands staring out the window, looking thoroughly depressed. Foxxy sits on his bed.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling? I know you're feeling upset right now. You think it would help if you talked about it?

Ling-Ling: (still looking out window) Ling-Ling not able to believe how foolish he could be. To think his tiny penis could satisfy big human woman like Carla.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling, I keep telling you, it ain't the size-

Ling-Ling: (turning toward Foxxy) Ling-Ling know, it not the size, it what you do with it. At least that what all women say. But is it really true?

Foxxy: Ling-Ling, look. (She walks over to Ling-Ling and picks him up. She walks back over and puts him down on the bed, then sits down beside him.) It's good that you're trying to be realistic about the size of your love member. And I'm not gonna lie to you, it's pretty small. And it's true that there's maybe some women out there you couldn't satisfy. But women are different! Some women don't NEED a big one to be fulfilled. Some women prefer the small ones! And knowing Clara, I would think one your size would be just about right for her!

Ling-Ling: That what Ling-Ling thought. But after finding machine... Ling-Ling not know anymore. Now Ling-Ling have to wonder if he the one making Carla happy all these months.

Foxxy: Ling-Ling... Clara loves you. I remember what she was like before you two got together, and trust me, it's like the difference between night and day! She went from being a nasty bitch to one of the sweetest, nicest people I've ever known. I've heard her pray so many times about how thankful she is to have you in her life. Now if that ain't proof you're making her happy, I don't know what is!

Ling-Ling: Yes... Carla happy in spiritual sense. But in bedroom... Ling-Ling realize he never pleasing her at all. She think Ling-Ling inadequate as husband... have to turn to machine.

Foxxy: Well, Ling-Ling, maybe we're jumping the gun here. I mean, just because Clara has this machine doesn't mean she's totally dissatisfied with you. For all we know, she may not even use it all that much! Maybe she just keeps it around for when she's lonely and you're not here!

Ling-Ling: Maybe.

Foxxy: Tell you what, Ling-Ling. I'll go talk to Clara and see if I can't find out for you. You just keep your chin up. We'll get this straightened out.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hope so. (Foxxy gets off the bed and starts to walk out. She stops and turns back around.)

Foxxy: Oh, Ling-Ling? (He perks up.) Look, whatever Clara says- I know she loves you more than anything. And I know she'd trade every orgasm she's ever had to keep you in her life.

Ling-Ling: Thanks, Foxxy. (Somewhat placated, Ling-Ling hops off the bed and walks back over to the window and begins looking out it again. Foxxy gives a solemn look, then turns and walks out.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 3

Spanky (in confessional): I was down... but I wasn't out. I realized that Hero was onto my tricks. So I felt the time had come to send in a proxy. (A caption appears on screen. "Yes, we like the word 'proxy'. So shoot us.")

Cut to the hallway outside Hero's door. As Spanky talks to Wooldoor, another caption pops up on the screen. "Hey, I just thought of another joke! If someone stood in for Foxxy, they'd be a Foxxy proxy!" There is a pause. The caption disappears and is replaced by another caption. "Oh, don't get mad at us. Xandir wrote that joke."

Spanky: Okay, so you know the plan?

Wooldoor: Inside and out!

Spanky: Good. Let's go ahead and recap it unnecessarily, though, for the benefit of our viewers.

Wooldoor: Right. I open the door and march right on in, which I'm allowed to do, seeing as it's my room too.

Spanky: That's right. Hero will be all flustered and say you're not supposed to be in there and try to kick you out. That's when you tell him-

Wooldoor: That I just got finished reviewing Clara's medical charts, and I'm afraid that she might have skin cancer.

Spanky: So you offer to examine her for moles, at which point-

Wooldoor: I say that the light in that part of the room is bad, and walk Clara over to the center of the room where the light is better-

Spanky: Leaving the door ever so surreptitiously cracked so that I can view Clara unobserved from across the hall by virtue of the precisely crafted angles of observance we have oh so carefully set up in this impossibly convoluted scenario!

Wooldoor: And you see Clara naked and in the flesh.

Spanky: That's right! And YOU are hereby considered cool for all eternity!

Wooldoor: Wow! I get to be cool like you, Spanky?

Spanky: That's right!

Wooldoor: Let's do this!

Spanky: I'll go hide.

Spanky retreats across the hall and opens the door a crack, taking care to position it in precisely the right place. Wooldoor bursts through the door into Hero's room.

Wooldoor: Hey, Clara, I need to talk to you about something! (Clara quickly grabs her robe to cover up.)

Hero: (gets up angrily) What are you doing here, Wooldoor? I thought I told you this was a closed set!

Wooldoor: This is my room too, you know!

Hero: Point taken.

Wooldoor: (to Clara) Clara, I was going over your medical charts just now and I saw something that made me think you might have skin cancer!

Clara: What did you see in my chart that made you think I might have skin cancer? (He holds out a piece of paper to Clara. On the paper is written "Clara might have skin cancer". Clara becomes alarmed.) Oh, no!

Wooldoor: If you'd like, I can do a quick screening for you! You know, check you for moles and all that.

Clara: Well... I suppose if my health is at stake. All right, Wooldoor. (She takes her robe off.) Go ahead.

Wooldoor: I can't see your skin well there. The light's not good enough.

Clara: Not good enough? The sun's streaming right through that window! What kind of light do you need?

Wooldoor: I've found that skin abnormalities are best detected under the pale glow of a dingy ceiling bulb.

Clara: Okay. I guess you're the expert. So where do you want me to stand?

Wooldoor: (He begins positioning her body.) Just stand right about... here!

He moves Clara into place. Just at that moment, we hear a loud scream from the other room. Spanky comes running in from the hallway covering his eyes.

Spanky: Oh, my God! Dammit, I'm blind! What the hell was that?

Wooldoor: That? Oh, I simply gave Clara a new brand of shampoo to use that makes her hair really shiny, then positioned her so that the glare from her hair reflected off the mirror in the room, which in turn reflected off the shiny backdrop Hero was using to paint Clara, which in turn reflected off the large mirror I inconspicuously set up in the hallway when you weren't looking, which in turn reflected off the mirror in the room across the hall, which in turn reflected the glare straight into your eyes, temporarily blinding you so you can't see Clara naked, you filthy pervert!

Spanky: But why, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Why? Because Captain Hero told me to, that's why!

Hero: I had a feeling you'd try something like this, Spanky. That's why I took precautions!

Spanky: Wooldoor, we had a deal! Why'd you double cross me? I'm cool!

Wooldoor: You are cool, Spanky. But Captain Hero is cooler!

Hero: That's right! And that makes the score Captain Hero 1, pig zero! (suddenly gets excited) Yay, I'm winning!

Spanky: Perfect. So Clara's naked right in front of me and I can't even enjoy it. So what do I have to do to get my sight back, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Just rub your eyes a few times. Your sight should come back pretty quickly.

Spanky: Okay! (He rubs his eyes. While his hands are still in front of his face, he opens them. He becomes excited.) I can see! I can see! That means I can see Clara naked now! (He removes his hands from his face. The door is now closed.) Oh, goddammit! (He storms off down the hall again. However, he stops and looks back.) Hey, wait a minute! Wooldoor's still in there! He could take a picture for me! (He runs up to Hero's door.) Hey, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: (suddenly walking up behind Spanky in the hallway holding a lollipop) What is it, Spanky? (Spanky turns and looks at Wooldoor.)

Spanky: (sighs) Never mind. (Spanky turns and walks away. Wooldoor shrugs, then nonchalantly opens the door to Hero's room and walks in.)

Foxxy (in confessional): Getting in to see Clara was no small task given how protective Hero was being of her during her session. I tried everything I could think of to get him to let me in. The sympathy card, the oppressed minority card, the female bonding with its implications of lesbianism card, and nothing worked! So I finally had to play the one card I knew Hero would never be able to refuse- the "I'm your girlfriend so you'd better do it or else I ain't puttin' out tonight" card!

Clara sits posing as Hero paints. Foxxy sits on the bed off to the side.

Clara: I just think it's funny. We agreed this would be a closed set and yet somehow half the house has made it in to see me anyway!

Foxxy: Yeah, but Spanky hasn't! Or Xandir! Or Toot, for that matter!

The door suddenly opens. Toot pokes her head in.

Toot: Hey, guys! (She waves at Clara.) Hey, Clara! (She closes the door and leaves.)

Clara: So what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Clara, are things okay between you and Ling-Ling?

Clara: Things are great between me and Ling-Ling! Why do you ask?

Foxxy: Well, I don't want to go into too many details, but Ling-Ling's starting to have doubts about whether he's pleasing you in bed.

Clara: Why would he have doubts? I've never said anything that would suggest I'm not happy. (A worried look crosses her face.) I don't think. (She begins to ponder.)

Foxxy: Clara?

Clara: Yes, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Clara, I'm going to ask you something. If you don't feel like answering me, that's fine. But if you do answer... please promise me you'll answer honestly.

Clara: I promise. What is it, Foxxy? (Clara looks intently at Foxxy.)

Foxxy: Clara... IS Ling-Ling making you happy? (Clara is surprised.) In bed, I mean?

Clara: Foxxy, what kind of silly question is that?

Foxxy: I think it's a fair question. So is he?

Clara: (collects herself) Okay. The answer is yes, Foxxy. Ling-Ling has made me EXTREMELY happy in bed. If you were to ask me to rate Ling-Ling as a lover, I honestly can't say that I'm anything less than completely satisfied.

Foxxy: I am really happy to hear you say that, Clara.

Clara: What's the problem? Why does Ling-Ling suddenly think he isn't pleasing me?

Foxxy: Cause he found that sex toy of yours in the closet.

Clara: (wincing) Crap! (She suddenly looks up.) Sorry, Jesus, I didn't mean to say that! (She does the sign of the cross, then looks back at Foxxy, who is giving her a questioning glance. Clara pauses for a moment, then regroups.) So... he found it.

Foxxy: He did.

Clara: (sighs) I should have known he would sooner or later. (She pauses for a moment.) All right. Just as soon as Hero's done with the painting, I'll go have a talk with him.

Hero: (putting the final brushstroke on the canvas) Finished!

Clara: Looks like my day of reckoning came quickly! (She gets up and turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, go tell Ling-Ling I'll be along in a few minutes. I have some things I want to say to Captain Hero first. (Foxxy nods, then gets up and walks out. Clara puts her robe on and walks over to talk to Hero.) Captain Hero?

Hero: What is it, Clara?

Clara: Hero, I just want to thank you for being so mature through all this. I really didn't think you could look at me naked for several hours without having your lascivious desires kick in, but you did. (She puts her hands on his shoulders.) Good job. I'm proud of you.

Hero: It wasn't as hard as you would think. It's like I was telling the guys- I don't even think of you a sexual object anymore!

Clara: I know. And I never believed you when you said that. But I guess it was true after all.

Hero: I know. What in the world happened to me?

Clara: I'll tell you what happened to you... Foxxy happened to you.

Hero: What? You think she's got me so whipped I think I can't look at another woman?

Clara: No. I think that because of how you feel about her, you don't WANT to look at other women. Before, you just went from girl to girl to girl- I'm leaving the dead people and the farm animals out of this sequence- just looking for a sexual thrill any way you could get it. But now that you've had a taste of a serious adult relationship- you've proven that you can really handle it. And that's what's great about love! You love someone so much, you just can't work up any interest in anyone else. That's how I feel about Ling-Ling- and how you feel about Foxxy!

Hero: I guess I didn't think of it that way. You know, I see her naked every night, and I *still* spent our entire time in this room together wishing that was HER naked body I was looking at.

Clara: Well, you know, you could just paint her next.

Hero: Nah, it's easier just to have sex.

Clara: (laughs) You do what you gotta do, man! (She takes her hands off Hero's shoulders and walks back over to her clothes. She begins to pick them up.)

Hero: So what about you?

Clara: What about me?

Hero: You've done some growing up, too, you know.

Clara: I have?

Hero: Used to, you thought sex and nudity were evil and wrong! Now here you are taking your clothes off in front of me and having sex with your husband... well... not at the same time. And apparently you have some kind of sex toy, too, which may or may not be a hair straightener!

Clara: That's true. I guess when you start having a serious adult relationship... it means you have to grow up.

Hero: I know. I'm still surprised you were willing to pose naked for me, though- especially considering we haven't exactly had the best relationship in the past.

Clara: Right. In the past. (She looks at Hero.) Hero... I think I need to come clean with you about something.

Hero: What's that?

Clara: I told myself that the reason I was doing this for you was because I felt I owed you the opportunity to prove you had matured. And while that was true... it really wasn't the MAIN reason I did it.

Hero: What was the main reason?

Clara: (becoming very solemn) I happened to think back to that incident with the car crashes. You remember that? (Hero nods.) Your feelings for me were real and honest. And I didn't care. I just used you and manipulated you and just generally acted like a complete bitch to you. You did everything in your power to do whatever would make me happy. All you wanted from me in return was a little affection, and I couldn't even give you that. Once it sank in what I did to you... is it any wonder I had a nervous breakdown after that?

Hero: But you recovered from that!

Clara: I recovered from the nervous breakdown... but I never got over the guilt I felt toward you for the whole incident. All this time, I've been trying to think of a way to make it up to you... and when I heard you wanted to paint me naked, I thought maybe I'd found a way.

Hero: Oh, don't worry about it, Clara. We're good.

Clara: Really? (Hero nods.) Thank you. That means so much to me.

Hero: Don't mention it. (Clara picks up the rest of her clothes.) Oh, and Clara?

Clara: (turning around) What?

Hero: When we were in Vegas and I said I wanted you and Toot to have a foursome with me and Foxxy... I wasn't really being serious.

Clara: I know you weren't.

Hero: I sure made you think I was, though!

Clara: No, you didn't.

Hero: Well... I had Toot fooled at least.

Toot: (on the other side of the door) No, you didn't!

Clara: (calling out) Hello, Toot!

Toot: (on the other side of the door) Hey, Clara!

Clara: (turning back to Hero) So where were we?

Hero: I think you were about to go try to save your marriage.

Clara: Oh, right.

Hero: So what's this I hear about you having a sex toy?

Clara: I'll explain it to you later. (Holding her things, she starts to walk out. However, she stops when she gets to the door.) Wait. No, I won't. (She waves.) See you later, Hero.

Hero: See you later, Clara! (Clara leaves. Hero sits for a moment, then gets up and walks over to the phone. He picks it up and dials.) Hello, police? This is Captain Hero in the Drawn Together house. I'd like to report a peeping tom with a telescope in the house across the street.

Cut to the Georgipolises next door. The family sits quietly in the living room watching TV. Suddenly the husband notices something outside. He gets up and walks over to the door and looks out the window.

Mr. Georgiopolis: Dear... do you know why there's a police car outside our house?

Cut to Spanky with a telescope in the upstairs bedroom.

Spanky: Dammit!

The door flies open. We see Mr. Georgiopolis cast an accusing finger at Spanky as the police enter the room.

Cut to Ling-Ling's bedroom. He is still standing, staring out the window. He hears a voice behind him.

Clara: (voice) Ling-Ling? (Ling-Ling turns and sees Clara. He walks over to her.)

Ling-Ling: Carla? (Clara picks up Ling-Ling and sets him down on the bed.)

Clara: Ling-Ling, I want to talk to you about what you found. I need to explain to you why I have that machine.

Ling-Ling: Carla not have to explain. Ling-Ling understand. It not Carla's fault Ling-Ling too small to satisfy her.

Clara: Who said you were too small to satisfy me? Ling-Ling, I *love* the sex I have with you! And I'm not just saying that to spare your feelings. You truly fulfill me in a way no one else ever could.

Ling-Ling: But if Ling-Ling fulfill you... why Carla have machine?

Clara: It's kind of complicated, Ling-Ling... but I'll try to explain it to you. (Ling-Ling is attentive.) Ling-Ling, you realize that men and women look at sex differently, right?

Ling-Ling: Is this birds and bees speech? Ling-Ling already get that from father many years ago! He not understand why father show Ling-Ling pictures of insects having sex, though!

Clara: No, Ling-Ling, this isn't about the birds and the bees. It's about love. And when I say love, I don't mean sex... I mean love in the emotional sense.

Ling-Ling: What Carla mean?

Clara: Ling-Ling, whenever two people have sex, there are two levels to it. There's a strictly physical level, and then there's an emotional level to it as well. It's easy for men to separate the two. You can put aside the emotional aspect of it and enjoy sex strictly for the physical pleasure it brings. It's a lot harder for women to do that. They tend to combine the physical and the emotional into one huge feeling. (Ling-Ling is confused, but listens intently.) You see, Ling-Ling... sex with you is an extremely emotional experience for me. And I *do* experience physical pleasure from it- very intense physical pleasure at that. But because of what we have together, and how I feel about you, I experience intense emotional pleasure as well. I can't separate the two at all!

Ling-Ling: And that bad?

Clara: No, that's not bad at all! It's wonderful. Every night, I thank God for giving me something as good as what I have with you.

Ling-Ling: (smiling) Ling-Ling hear that somewhere. (He looks back at her again.) So where do machine come into things?

Clara: See, Ling-Ling... like I said, sex with you is a very emotional experience for me. But sometimes... I don't know how to explain it... sometimes I want JUST a sexual thrill. Women have needs too, you know.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know.

Clara: And because I can't have sex with you without all the emotional stuff that goes along with it- well, that's where the machine comes in. (She picks up Ling-Ling and hugs him.) I feel so bad for doing this to you, Ling-Ling. I feel like I've been cheating on you.

Ling-Ling: (looks at Clara) No, you haven't, Carla. There nothing wrong with wanting good old-fashioned romp in sack. Better Carla get her kicks from some machine than from some other guy.

Clara: (horrified) Oh, I could never do that to you, Ling-Ling! Even if I didn't find the idea of cheating absolutely repulsive, I could NEVER enjoy sex with another man after being with you!

Ling-Ling: Because you not have feelings for him like you do Ling-Ling?

Clara: There's that... but there's also the fact that he wouldn't know how to please me in bed like you do!

Ling-Ling turns to Clara with a seductive look in his eye. Clara returns his look with one of her own. He jumps on her. They begin to kiss. As they fall back on the bed, the scene fades. The scene then fades back up on a long shot of the house. We see Clara's sex toy sitting next to the mailbox with an address label on it reading "Toys for Tots". The door opens. Xandir comes out.

Xandir: La la la! My turn to get the mail! La la la!

Xandir skips happily to the mailbox. He opens the box and gets out the mail, then sees the machine sitting off to the side. A curious look crosses his face. He removes the address label and casts it on the ground, then picks up the machine and carries it back into the house with him. He closes the door. The camera lingers on the closed door for a minute before we hear Xandir's voice.

Xandir: (inside the house) Awwwww... I can't believe I got my penis caught again!

The scene cuts to inside the house. As Xandir limps out of the room carrying the machine with him, we see Foxxy, Toot, Spanky, Wooldoor, and Ling-Ling sitting on the couch in obvious anticipation of something. Clara enters.

Clara: All right, guys. It's time! (Everyone sits up and looks in Clara's direction.) You've all been trying and trying to see my bits and pieces. Well... (takes a deep breath) Here you go!

She motions off to the side. Hero enters holding the painting. Everyone gets up and gathers around it.

Wooldoor: Wow! You can see her boobies!

Foxxy: I've got to hand it to you, Captain Hero. That is some really nice work. Wanna do me next?

Hero: Sure, Foxxy. I'd be glad to paint you!

Foxxy: Paint?

Clara: (notices Spanky is staring at the painting with his mouth hanging wide open) Well, Spanky? This is what you've been trying to see for years! Are you satisfied now?

Spanky: (Continues to stare for a moment, then regroups. He is somewhat irritated.) No! I am not aroused by this in the slightest! I thought seeing this would give me the biggest orgasm I've ever had right on the spot and it doesn't! Dammit! How can I not be aroused by this?

Foxxy: Well, Spanky, maybe you've been building it up so much in your mind that when you finally saw it, the reality couldn't possibly match your expectations!

Spanky: No, that can't be it.

Toot: Maybe it's because it's just a painting, and a painting just isn't capable of capturing a person's true beauty!

Spanky: No, that's not it either.

Ling-Ling: (facetiously) Or maybe Carla just not have as great a body as you think.

Spanky: Could that be it? Son of a bitch- maybe THAT'S the reason she never shows her body to anyone! Her body isn't that great in the first place! (Clara is offended.) Well, that's it for me. I'm going to go look at some REAL porn for a while! (He walks away.)

Clara: (calling after Spanky) What are you talking about, Spanky? I have a fantastic body!

Toot: Actually, Spanky may be onto something. I mean, sure, Clara's face is great, but her body... eh. Her stomach's kind of weird looking.

Foxxy: And I think you got her boobs beat, Toot. (Clara watches them in disbelief.)

Toot: And you've got her hips beat by a long shot, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Well, her hips ain't bad... for a white girl, I guess. They're better than her legs, though!

Clara: Hey, I have very nice legs!

Toot: And helloooooo knobby knees!

Clara: Oh, come on, you two! My knees? Are you kidding me?

Toot: Too bad this is a frontal shot. Cause otherwise we could make fun of her ass, too! (She giggles. Foxxy smiles.)

Clara rolls her eyes. She walks over to Ling-Ling and picks him up.

Clara: I think I know what's going on here, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: They just jealous!

Clara: I think you're right. Come on, Ling-Ling, let's go. It'll be a cold day in hell before any of these people see MY naked body again!

Ling-Ling nods. As Clara walks away with Ling-Ling, the camera begins to pull out. We see Toot and Foxxy continue to make fun of the painting, mockingly imitating Clara's pose while in the meantime, Hero is trying to pose Wooldoor, who is putting various types of fruit on top of his head. The scene fades.

THE END