DTBL episode 33: I'm Dreaming of a Black and White

[Raymond-Raymond]

I'M DREAMING OF A BLACK AND WHITE CHRISTMAS

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to Xandir's bedroom where we see Xandir looking into his closet with disapproval.

Xandir: No... no... no... darn it, none of these outfits seem right!

Spanky: (walking in) What's the matter, Xandir? None of them seem gay enough?

Xandir: Oh, I can't believe this! I'm supposed to go to this huge Christmas party and I don't have a thing to wear!

Spanky: Don't have a thing to wear, huh? Is that why you usually don't wear ANYTHING?

Xandir: (suddenly looking up) Oh, poo! And on top of that, my hair's messed up! Now how am I going to fix this in time for the party?

Spanky: Well... I have an idea. It's crazy... but it might be just crazy enough to work!

Xandir: Ooh! What is it?

Spanky hands Xandir a comb. Xandir stands there staring at the comb in confusion. Spanky looks at Xandir imploringly. Xandir continues to stare at the comb confused.

Spanky: Xandir?

Xandir: Yes, Spanky?

Spanky: Xandir, I know it's not a penis, but you should still know how it works.

Xandir: I know what it is, Spanky. I'm just not sure why you gave it to me.

Spanky: To comb your hair. (He points to Xandir's head.) You know- that spiky blond monstrosity you've got going on there?

Xandir: (laughs) Oh, Spanky! I didn't mean the hair on my head! Well... not THAT head! (Spanky is grossed out.)

Spanky: Okay, that's all I needed to hear. I'm outta here. As soon as the conversation turns to- wait. I thought you shaved down there!

Xandir: I started growing it out again. I found out that Fernando has a fetish for-

Spanky: (interrupting) Okay, we're done here! (turns and starts to walk out) I'll see you later, Xandir. If you need me, I'll be downstairs cutting my ears off with a butcher knife.

Xandir: Spanky, why does it gross you out whenever I talk about my privates? Like that time I was telling you about when this guy with braces was giving me oral sex, and his braces got caught on my-

Spanky: (covering his ears) La la la! I'm not listening! I can't hear you! La la la! I don't hear anything! La la la! I especially don't hear Xandir yapping on about something nobody else wants to hear about! La la la!

Xandir: Fine, Spanky. I'll stop talking about gay sex.

Spanky: (uncovering his ears) Thank you.

Wooldoor walks in.

Wooldoor: Hey, everybody! Guess what time it is!

Xandir: Time for gay sex?

Spanky: Howdy Doody Time?

Xandir: Time for gay butt sex?

Spanky: Peanut butter jelly time?

Xandir: Time for gay butt sex prison style in a public place with a random guy you met at the Home Depot?

Spanky: 6:30?

Wooldoor: No, guys! It's time for me to give everyone their phone messages!

Spanky: Phone messages? Wooldoor, we've been here all day! I haven't heard the phone ring once!

Wooldoor: That's because I always answer it really really quickly! Sometimes even before it rings! I hate it when it turns out to be a crank call, though!

Cut to a shot of a silent telephone. Wooldoor dashes into the room and picks it up. We hear a dial tone for several seconds.

Wooldoor: Who is this? What do you want? (The dial tone continues.) This isn't funny, man! Seriously, stop calling here! (The dial tone continues.) I mean it, man! We don't have time for your crap! (The dial tone continues for a moment, then turns into its usual series of loud beeps. Wooldoor screams.) AAAAAAAGH! Stop it, man! These obscene phone calls are not funny! (The beeping continues.) That's it! You've pushed us too far, man! I'm getting the police right now!

Wooldoor dashes out of the room, leaving the phone dangling by the receiver, still beeping loudly. Foxxy walks into the room and sees the phone dangling. With a confused look on her face, she picks up the receiver and puts it back on the base, then shrugs and walks off. The scene changes back to the present.

Wooldoor: So anyway, here are your messages. Spanky, the video store called and said your copy of Quantum Peep is finally in. (Spanky does a celebratory fist pump.) And... your wife called and said she's screwing the paperboy.

Spanky: (stunned) She's screwing the paperboy???

Wooldoor: Yeah, she's supposed to pay him $20 a week, but she's only giving him $10.

Spanky: Oh... okay.

Wooldoor: And Xandir, Steve called and said that Fernando, Alberto, and this Asian guy named Ching Chong would all be at the party tonight!

Xandir: Yay! I'm going to have lots of gay sex!

Wooldoor: And... your ex-girlfriend is going to be there too.

Xandir: What? Not my ex-girlfriend! Oh my God! I haven't seen her since we broke up! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! What am I going to do?

Spanky: Why don't you just panic and run around in circles like you usually do?

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! (He panics and begins running around in circles.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: (flatly) Well, that's a new one. He's certainly never done this before.

Spanky: Nope. Totally fresh material.

Xandir: (still running around in circles) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: So how long does he usually do this?

Spanky: I don't know. I always get bored and walk out before he finishes.

Xandir: (still running around in circles) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: Kind of annoying, isn't it?

Spanky: Well, at least he's not talking about gay sex anymore.

Xandir: (still running around in circles) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: Bout time to walk out yet?

Spanky: (checking his watch) Yeah, I think so. (The two walk out, closing the door behind them. Xandir is still running around in circles.)

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Xandir suddenly stops for a moment and gets a confused look on his face. He looks around for a bit. He continues to stare. After a moment, he resumes running around.

Xandir: Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! (As Xandir continues running around and screaming, the scene fades.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

Toot (in confessional): It was Christmas again. The time for holiday cheer and for everyone to put all their petty differences aside and focus on showing their love for their fellow man. Thankfully, I'm Jewish, so I don't have to bother with any of that crap!

Cut to Toot's room. A suitcase is laid out on the bed. Toot is dressed in a beach hat, a Hawaiian sarong dress, and flip-flops. As she packs her suitcase, Toot sings to herself and gently sways her hips in the manner of a hula.

Toot: (singing) Aloha ʻoe, aloha ʻoe, and some other Hawaiian crap I don't remember... aloha 'oe, aloha'oe... (As Toot continues to sing, Clara walks up to the doorway and stands watching her.) And Claaaaaara's watching me from behiiiiind.

Clara: Hello, Toot.

Toot: (stops singing and turns around) Hey, Clara!

Clara: So, Toot, you never did tell us where Marty was taking you for Christmas!

Toot: Are you being sarcastic?

Clara: Nooooooo! I'm not being sarcastic at all!

Toot: I think you're lying.

Clara: Gee, what gave me away? You got a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal sharp mind there, Toot!

Toot: God, Clara, you're starting to sound like me!

Clara: Well, we DO have the same voice actress.

Toot: That's not what I mean. You know what? Forget it. I'm going to get back to packing. (She turns around and resumes packing.)

Clara: So when are you and Marty leaving for Hawaii?

Toot: Tonight, right after the party.

Clara: I see. By the way, Toot, while that outfit will be perfect once you GET to Hawaii, you realize that you'll have to go out in the cold HERE before you get there, right?

Toot: Of course I do, silly! I'm going to put on a coat before we head out- I'm not dumb!

Clara nods, then turns to walk away while Toot, continuing to pack, resumes singing.

Cut to Foxxy, Hero, and Wooldoor in the kitchen. The place is obviously decked out for a party. Foxxy and Wooldoor are busy preparing food while Hero stands to the side watching them.

Hero: (looking at Foxxy pleadingly) Are you sure I can't help? Come on, I want to help! I'm supposed to be co-hosting this party and you won't let me do a damn thing! Come on... please let me do something!

Wooldoor: (turning to Hero) No! I told you, Hero, if you want this party to go well, you'll do exactly what I tell you to, bitch!

Foxxy: Thanks for helping me with this, Wooldoor! I don't think Hero and I would be able to host this party if you wasn't here cooking all the food while I'm just standing here pretending to do it!

Wooldoor: It's no problem. Thankfully, one of my doctorates is in culinary arts!

Hero: I can't believe you guys would just leave me out of Christmas like this!

Foxxy: Hero, ain't you Jewish? I didn't think you was supposed to be celebrating Christmas anyway!

Hero: Really? Jews can't celebrate Christmas?

Foxxy: No! Y'all don't believe in it! It goes against everything you stand for!

Hero: (disappointed) It does?

Foxxy: To an Orthodox Jew, the idea of Christmas offends you like nothing else!

Hero: I see. I'm offended by Christmas. (becomes angry) Damn Christmas! Well, Foxxy, you can count me out of this party of yours! I refuse to have anything to do with this so-called Christmas holiday you celebrate! (He storms out.)

Wooldoor: (turns to Foxxy) He could always be a Reform Jew, I guess.

Foxxy: Reform Jew?

Wooldoor: You know, Jews who have co-opted some Christian customs, like Christmas, in the name of peace and brotherhood.

Hero: (suddenly returning, excited) Ooh, yeah! That's what I am! A Reform Jew!

Foxxy: (to Hero) It must be nice when you don't ever have to think for yourself.

Hero: It's the best!

Foxxy and Wooldoor return to cooking while Hero resumes standing to the side watching them.

Wooldoor: So how many people are going to be at the party tonight, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Oh, a whole bunch! My mama's coming, Hero's parents are coming, a whole bunch of our friends are coming...

Wooldoor: We have other friends?

Foxxy: Well... characters from other episodes. You know, like Denise, the guy from the Hot Topic, Scroto, Strawberry Sweetcake, the Child Services woman, Bob the Cucumber, Hans the six-armed child molester... you get the idea.

Wooldoor: Is Judge Fudge coming?

Foxxy: No, Wooldoor. Judge Fudge couldn't make it. He's far too busy.

Wooldoor: Doing what?

Foxxy: What do you think? He's far too busy... preparing some legal briefs for this important case he's got coming up!

Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. (He pauses for a moment, then suddenly changes moods.) Hey, the food's almost done! Can I go play in the snow until the guests start arriving?

Hero: Now, Wooldoor, that's impossible! We're in Florida! Everyone knows it doesn't snow in Florida!

Wooldoor: It doesn't? (disappointed) Oh.

Foxxy: Uh, Hero... we ain't in Florida.

Wooldoor: We're not?

Foxxy: No! We ain't in Florida! We's in California!

Wooldoor: (excited) And does it snow in California?

Foxxy: No.

Wooldoor: (disappointed again) Oh. (He looks disgruntled for a moment. Then he looks back at Foxxy and Hero.) So can I go somewhere that there IS snow?

Foxxy: Maybe tomorrow, Wooldoor. Tonight we have the Christmas party!

Wooldoor: But I don't wanna wait! I wanna go play in the snow right now! (to Hero) Will you fly me to Aspen real quick?

Foxxy: Wooldoor! You can't miss the party!

Wooldoor: Why not?

Foxxy: Cause this is my first time hosting a Christmas party and I want all my closest friends to be there! None of y'all is allowed to miss it!

Wooldoor: Isn't Xandir going to a different party tonight? One that's at the same time as this one?

Foxxy: Yes. And your point?

Wooldoor: Never mind.

Clara and Ling-Ling enter in the middle of having a discussion.

Clara: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling, I just don't see why we can't do both! We can drop in, say hi to my dad and all the servants, then go outside and hop a plane to Asia!

Ling-Ling: You really think it that simple? Carla dad not let her leave just like that! He make her stay through whole holiday, then send Ling-Ling off to Asia by himself!

Clara: My father wouldn't do that, Ling-Ling. And even if he wanted to, I wouldn't let him. I do have a mind of my own, you know.

Ling-Ling: Then prove it. We go to Asia, Carla call him, wish him happy Christmas over phone.

Wooldoor: Hi, guys!

Clara: That would just insult him, Ling-Ling! Do you really want me to insult my father like that? Now it's true we have our differences, but I've made it my policy to pretend to like him! Now I promise you, we'll just drop in, say hi, and then we're gone!

Foxxy: Hey, Clara! Hey, Ling-Ling! What's going on?

Ling-Ling: We set foot in that castle, we never get out alive again!

Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, stop exaggerating!

Wooldoor: I don't think they're listening, Foxxy.

Ling-Ling: Okay, maybe Ling-Ling and Carla get out alive. But not until holiday over and Ling-Ling chance to be with honorable father ruined!

Clara: Well, what if we DID spend the holiday with my father? I mean, we can visit YOUR family next week! Christmas isn't as big a deal to you guys as it is to us! We're very devout Christians, Ling-Ling!

Ling-Ling: Carla devout Christian. He not so sure about her dad.

Clara: My father is a very strong Christian, Ling-Ling. At least as far as the hypocritical stuff is concerned.

Ling-Ling: Well, maybe Christianity not exactly trademark of Ling family, but Ling-Ling father tell him about Carla faith, he say that Jesus person sound like good guy!

Foxxy: You're right, Wooldoor, I don't think they are.

Ling-Ling: And besides, if Carla spend holiday with Jun-Jee, she could teach him all about faith, show him what holiday all about, spread Christmas cheer!

Clara: I suppose I *could* do that... but Ling-Ling, I promised my father I'd visit HIM!

Hero: Hey, I know! Let's make fun of them and see how long it takes them to catch on to what we're doing!

Foxxy: Good idea!

Ling-Ling: Well, Ling-Ling promise father he visit HIM! And for Ling-Ling to go back on promise would bring shame to family. Honor very important in Ling-Ling culture.

Hero: (imitating Ling-Ling) Hey, Carla. Let's have sex!

Foxxy: (imitating Clara) Oh, I don't know, Ling-Ling! I have to maintain my purity!

Clara: Well, honor is important for me too, Ling-Ling! And my father would be very hurt if we didn't show up there!

Hero: But to have children, we have to have the sex! What Carla want, maintain purity or have children?

Foxxy: Children? (She lets out a mock shriek.) You mean... make another human being come out my giggy? Ewwwwww! No, thanks, I'll take my purity!

Ling-Ling: At least Ling-Ling father not hate person Ling-Ling married to!

Clara: Ling-Ling! Are you implying my father hates you? That's not true at all! He loves you!

Hero: Well, if it Carla's purity she worried about, that boat already sailed! He take Carla's purity from her when she sleeping last night! (Foxxy gasps again.) That's the advantage that comes with being small!

Ling-Ling: If he love Ling-Ling, why when he visit Carla last time, he say, "You still married to that Asian hamster?"

Foxxy: Ling-Ling! You mean you found a way to get it all the way in me?

Hero: I did!

Clara: My father just has very odd ways of showing his affections.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so.

Foxxy: Then let's go have sex! Now that we's married, I's is free to be as big a slut as I wanna be! (She grabs him and begins making out with him very passionately.)

Clara: You know what, Ling-Ling? This whole thing is silly.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling agree.

Clara: So are we just going to stand here arguing about this, or are we going to go kick Foxxy and Hero's asses? (Foxxy and Hero suddenly stop making out and look at each other nervously.)

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling vote for kicking asses.

Clara and Ling-Ling turn and look at Foxxy and Hero. Foxxy and Hero get off each other and look around at Clara and Ling-Ling nervously.

Foxxy: Look, y'all. We didn't mean any harm!

Hero: We were just having fun!

Clara: Of course you were.

Foxxy: So... you guys looking forward to the party tonight?

Clara: (turns to Ling-Ling) What do you think, Ling-Ling? Should we let Foxxy get away with this weak attempt to change the subject?

Ling-Ling: Well... this time. (angrily to Foxxy and Hero) But superhero and chocolate animal woman consider themselves warned! (The two of them breathe a sigh of relief.)

Clara: To answer your question, Foxxy, yes, we are very much looking forward to the party tonight. And as soon as it's over, we'll be heading out on our way to Morningwood!

Ling-Ling: You mean Asia!

Clara: Ling-Ling, we're going to Morningwood!

Ling-Ling: We're going to Asia!

Spanky: (entering) Actually, you can experience Asia and Morningwood at the same time! (He hands Clara a card.) My friend Sun-Yee runs a geisha parlor. Just give her a visit, she'll do you up right.

Clara: Why, thanks, Spanky! But what does this have to do with Morningwood?

Spanky: God. All this time and you STILL don't get that joke?

Clara: What joke? (looks at card and suddenly realizes) Oh, I get it! This person must be FROM Morningwood! (thinks for a moment) I didn't realize we had any Asians in Morningwood.

Spanky: Right. She's of Asian extraction and she lived in your country. That's exactly the point I was trying to get across.

Spanky (in confessional): (angrily) What's the point of doing racist jokes if the people who are going to be offended don't GET them?

Wooldoor: Hey, Clara? Hey, Ling-Ling? I overheard your argument. And I overheard Hero and Foxxy making fun of you. But I think there's something you've all forgotten!

Clara: What's that, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: That I'm in this scene too! And I have my OWN needs! And to that end, I'm going to reiterate my desire to blow off this party and go play in the snow!

Clara: That's nice, Wooldoor. But there's no snow outside! In fact, I don't think we even get snow here!

Wooldoor: Ah, screw you!

Clara: We get lots of it in Morningwood, though! That's the beauty of being in the mountains. Hey, Wooldoor, I have an idea! Why don't you come to Morningwood with me and Ling-Ling? You can play in the snow there!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Ling-Ling: Actually, we not decided to go to Morningwood yet. Ling-Ling still think we should go to Asia.

Clara: But, Ling-Ling, look at how much Wooldoor wants to go to Morningwood! You wouldn't want to deny him that, would you? Just think how disappointed he'll be if we don't go!

Ling-Ling: Sockbat can go to Morningwood if he wants. Ling-Ling and Carla going to Asia!

Wooldoor: Clara, I don't appreciate your using me as a pawn in your little argument with Ling-Ling.

Clara: I'm sorry, Wooldoor. Please forgive me.

Wooldoor: Clara, this goes beyond forgiveness. Do you know how much this hurts me? I don't think a simple "I'm sorry" will make it right. (Clara sighs and opens the cabinet.) Not when you've betrayed my trust like this. I don't think our friendship can ever be the same again! Not when you've decided that making a point is worth stepping on someone's feelings and-

Clara: (interrupting) Hey, Wooldoor, I'm not really in the mood to hear the rest of your betrayal speech this time. Can we just skip to the part where I give you candy and you shut up? (She hands him a large bag of Hershey's Miniatures.)

Wooldoor: (eyes lighting up) Okay! (He cradles the bag in his arms and gets a demented look in his eyes. He begins stroking the bag.) My precious...

Clara: And no Lord of the Rings references!

Wooldoor: (stops stroking the bag and straightens up) Sorry.

Toot comes skipping into the room, still in her Hawaiian dress, in a manner similar to the way she did in "Captain Girl".

Toot: (chanting) I'm going to Hawaii and you guys aren't! I'm going to Hawaii and you guys aren't, nya nya nya nya nya nya!

Wooldoor: I don't even want to go to Hawaii! There's no snow there!

Toot: That's the point! Marty and I will be on the beach all nice and warm while the rest of you have to stay here freezing your asses off!

Spanky: Not me! I'm taking the wife and kids to see Grandma in Florida!

Foxxy: And Captain Hero's taking me to Mexico!

Hero: I found twelve dollars on the sidewalk the other day! That's almost 500 billion pesos down there!

Toot: Okay, so that's four of us who are going to warm places. Where's Xandir going to spend the holidays?

Wooldoor: Probably in some other guy's ass.

Toot: Five.

Clara: If you still feel like gloating, Toot, you can gloat at Ling-Ling and me. We'll be in Morningwood, where it's very cold right now.

Ling-Ling: Asia!

Toot: Is it warm in Asia right now?

Wooldoor: That depends. (to Ling-Ling) What part of Asia are you from, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: What Sockbat talking about? Asia not have parts! It just one big country!

Toot: What about you, Wooldoor? What are you doing for the holidays?

Wooldoor: Unusually Flexible Girl and I are going to leave tomorrow and go to her mom's house! Unusually Jewish Woman keeps the thermostat around 80, so it'll be like we're in the tropics!

Toot: Oh, that sounds nice and warm!

Wooldoor: It will be! (suddenly becomes very irritated) Which is all the more reason I need to go play in the snow tonight while I still can!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, you want us to stick you in the freezer again?

Wooldoor: No. It was fun at first, but then it just got old.

Toot: Fine, so none of you are going to be freezing your asses off. But I'm still going to be relaxing on a Hawaiian beach with the person I love... and that's good enough for me.

Hero: That's very sweet, Toot! You know, Toot, I've always felt that you and Marty were perfect for each other. I'm so glad that you two got back together!

Toot: What are you talking about, Hero? Marty and I never broke up!

Hero: You didn't? Then how come we've only seen him once in the last twelve episodes?

Toot: Well, you know, Marty's a reporter, so he's on the road a lot covering all these big stories. Plus, he's a supporting character, so it's just difficult to work him into the story most of the time! (She glances first at Clara and Ling-Ling, then at Foxxy and Hero.) You know, you guys were really lucky that you ended up falling in love with other housemates.

Wooldoor: You can fall in love with me, Toot!

Toot: Maybe in the fanfiction, Wooldoor.

Clara: Well, I hope you two have a great time in Hawaii. Be sure to send us a postcard!

Toot: You bet I will! Where do you want me to send it?

Clara: (simultaneous with Ling-Ling) Morningwood!

Ling-Ling: (simultaneous with Clara) Asia!

Toot: Tell you what. I'll have my cell phone. Why don't I just call you?

Clara: That sounds good.

Toot: By the way, Foxxy, Marty's flight from Chicago will be arriving in a little while. Would it be a problem if I borrowed your van to go pick him up?

Foxxy: I guess that'd be okay, Toot. But y'all are going to come back here for the party before you head off to Hawaii, right?

Toot: I don't know. I mean, we'll have to go back to the airport ANYWAY. It seems kind of silly to go there, then come back here, then go all the way back there AGAIN!

Foxxy: You don't come back, we ain't saving you any leftovers!

Toot: Although it would be just as silly to sit around the airport for several hours waiting for our flight to be called when we could be here sharing the holidays with our dearest friends! (Foxxy smiles and nods.)

Hero: (to Toot) You and Marty could always have sex in the terminal! I know a whole bunch of places you can go where security will never find you! (Foxxy smacks Hero angrily on the shoulder with the back of her hand. Hero winces.) I mean, uh, you and Marty can enjoy the holiday festivities here and then wait and try to join the mile high club on the plane! (Foxxy smiles and nods again.)

Toot: I'm not really concerned about the sex so much. I just want to see him again. He's away so much... God, it feels like an eternity.

Foxxy: I don't blame you, Toot. It's too bad there isn't something we can do so he can be around more often.

Toot: Can you travel to all the places in the world and make stuff stop happening so he'll have nothing to report on?

Spanky: Just kill Lindsay Lohan! That'll take care of half your news right there!

Clara: And if we take out Britney Spears, that'll take care of the other half!

Toot: Thanks, guys! That's so sweet of you!

As Toot smiles, the rest of the group returns to getting ready for the party. After a moment, Wooldoor pipes up.

Wooldoor: Wait. So are we going to go kill the tabloid-hogging skanks or not?

Toot laughs. Foxxy smiles and pats Wooldoor on the head. The group returns to their activities. The scene fades.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Clara (in confessional): Ling-Ling and I were still at an impasse as far as deciding where to go for Christmas. But one thing we agreed on was that we would settle the matter like adults.

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling facing each other in the middle of the living room. Each has their left hand extended while their right hand is balled up in a fist.

Clara: All right, Ling-Ling. Count of three. (They each tap their fists in their extended hands as Ling-Ling counts.)

Ling-Ling: 1-2-3 shoot!

Clara shoots scissors. Ling-Ling shoots scissors as well.

Ling-Ling: We both got scissors.

Clara: Dammit, that's the fifth time in a row we've both shot scissors! We'll never decide! Let's try again. Only this time, you shoot paper instead of scissors.

Ling-Ling: Okay, fine. (Clara smiles smugly to herself.) All right. 1-2-3 shoot! (Clara and Ling-Ling both shoot paper.)

Clara: (annoyed) Ling-Ling! You shot paper!

Ling-Ling: That what Carla tell Ling-Ling to shoot!

Clara: But you weren't supposed to DO it! (Ling-Ling is confused.) No, you were supposed to see through my incredibly weak plan! (Ling-Ling still doesn't understand.) See, Ling-Ling, you were supposed to think, "Wait a minute. If Clara wants me to shoot paper, that must mean SHE'S planning to shoot scissors! Therefore, I can turn the tables on her and win by shooting rock!" So then I would shoot paper and win! Cause paper beats rock!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know. But Ling-Ling see through that plan as well. He figure Carla intend for him to see through fake plan and shoot rock! Ling-Ling know Carla going to shoot paper and adjust game accordingly!

Clara: Wait. I'm confused. If you knew I was going to shoot paper, why didn't you shoot scissors so you could beat me?

Ling-Ling: Cause Ling-Ling figure Carla EXPECT Ling-Ling to see through plan and expect Ling-Ling to shoot scissors! Then Carla adjust her game and shoot rock to beat scissors! So Ling-Ling shoot paper to beat rock!

Clara: See, that's what I was EXPECTING you to do! I knew you were REALLY going to shoot paper, so I changed my mind and decided to shoot scissors instead!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling knew you were! That why HE change HIS mind and shoot- wait. Now Ling-Ling confused.

Clara: Me too, Ling-Ling. I think we need to dump the rock-paper-scissors and come up with a more logical way to decide where to go.

Ling-Ling: (hopping onto the back of the couch) Perhaps Ling-Ling and Carla battle?

Clara: Now, Ling-Ling, you know my only supernatural power is teleportation, which has no practical application in battle!

Ling-Ling: (gives Clara a sexy look) Ling-Ling not mean killing-type battle. (He winks.)

Clara: (smiles at Ling-Ling) Why, you saucy little devil!

Clara pats Ling-Ling on the head, then picks him up and begins kissing him. Toot walks in. She watches them kiss for a moment, then shatters the mood with a scream.

Toot: Help! Help! (Clara and Ling-Ling become startled and fall back away from each other.) Clara's being attacked by an alien face hugger! Oh, wait, it's just Ling-Ling.

Clara: Hello, Toot.

Toot: Hi, Clara!

Clara: Anything we can help you with?

Toot: Oh, no! Don't mind me! Carry on with your (makes air quotes) "making out"... or your (makes air quotes again) "heavy petting"... or your (makes air quotes again) "Frenching".

Clara: Ling-Ling, I think she's implying our love life is very G-rated.

Ling-Ling: Well... Carla IS based on Disney characters.

Toot: Actually, you guys, I just came in here to see if you'd decided where to go for Christmas yet. I wanted to borrow your Nicole Kidman sunblock if you won't be needing it, Clara.

Clara: You can go ahead and borrow it, Toot. We won't be needing it either place.

Toot: Cool. Thanks!

Clara: Actually, Toot, now that we have you here... maybe you can help us decide where to go.

Toot: Okay! What do I need to do?

Clara: You can act as our abitrator and settle our dispute. We'll each tell you our side of the story. Then you pick the side you think is right and that person wins!

Toot: So I get to decide where you and Ling-Ling go for vacation?

Clara: That's right.

Toot: Ooh! Can I decide who lives and who dies?

Ling-Ling: No... that Ling-Ling department.

Toot: Well... okay! (She kneels down behind the couch facing Clara and Ling-Ling.) We ready to start? (Clara and Ling-Ling both nod.) All right, Ling-Ling- you go first!

Ling-Ling: Thank you. Ling-Ling think that-

Toot: Psych! I was just kidding! Clara, YOU go first! (Ling-Ling is annoyed.)

Clara: Thank you, Toot. I think we should go to Morningwood because unlike Ling-Ling's father, my father is a Christian, and it would mean a lot more to him to-

Toot: Okay, you're done now. Ling-Ling, you're up!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling realize his father not Christian, but unlike Carla father, Jun-Jee is kind and loving, and Ling-Ling think that more important at Christmas time than-

Toot: Booooooooring! Clara- back to you!

Clara: I'm sorry, but Ling-Ling seems to be laboring under the misconception that my father doesn't like him. And that's simply not the case! I mean, I'll admit that my father isn't exactly happy with the life path I'm chosen, but he respects me and-

Toot: Your story has become tiresome! Ling-Ling- go!

Ling-Ling: It true! Carla father not like Ling-Ling! Ling-Ling think-

Toot: Blah, blah, blah, nobody cares! Over to you, Clara!

Clara: Toot, I get the impression-!

Toot: (taking her flip-flop off and banging it on the back of the couch) Overruled! Now whose turn is it? I lost track.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think-

Toot: Geez, Ling-Ling, ever since we started, it's been nothing out of you but "Ling-Ling think this" and "Ling-Ling think that" and "Ling-Ling think other thing"! Quite frankly, the whole bit's getting stale! Okay, people- new rule! From now on, we'll be replacing the word "Ling-Ling" with the word "doodooface"!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think land whale should-

Toot: (She hits Ling-Ling with her flip-flop. He winces.) Uh uh! You mean, DOODOOFACE think land whale should!

Clara: Toot, can we please try to stick to the subject?

Toot: (begins banging her flip-flop continuously on the back of the couch) The subject is whatever I want it to be! Okay, you know what? Another new rule! I get to hit you guys in the head as much as I want! (She begins hitting both Clara and Ling-Ling alternately with her flip-flop. They each wince in pain.)

Clara: Ow, Toot! Stop it! (Toot keeps hitting both of them. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, I think Toot is starting to abuse her power.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling come to same conclusion.

Toot by this point has both flip-flops in hand and is beating them rhythmically against Clara and Ling-Ling's heads like she is playing a drum. Clara turns to her.

Clara: Toot, stop. (She grabs Toot's hand to stop her from hitting them.) While we appreciate you helping us try to settle our dispute, I'm afraid it's just not working out. I'm sorry, but you're fired.

Toot: (thinks for a moment) Request denied! Termination not granted! Toot still arbitrator! (She raises her hands in the air.) I still rule all!

Clara: (growing very impatient) You can't do that anymore, Toot, you've been fired!

Toot: Sorry, Clara, but I'm the arbitrator! My word is law! And I say I'm not fired! Sorry about that! (Clara groans in frustration. Ling-Ling looks about ready to kill.)

Clara: I hope you get nothing but snow in Hawaii!

Toot: So are you guys just going to keep yapping all night or are you ready for my decision?

Clara: You mean you actually made a decision?

Toot: What, you think just because I like to have some fun with you guys, it means I don't care about helping you with your problems?

Clara: I'm sorry, Toot. Go ahead and give us your decision.

Toot: Now do you two promise to abide by whatever I say no matter which side I choose?

Clara: We promise.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling promise.

Toot: Okay, then. Here's my decision. (She pauses and takes a deep breath, then continues.) You each presented a very strong case. I have lots of reasons to potentially award the decision to Ling-Ling. But... I also have just as many reasons to make Clara the winner. Really, when it comes right down to it... you both deserve to win. So in order to decide, I had to look deep inside my soul to try to decide who was right. I looked inside my heart... and I let my heart make this very, very, very hard decision for me. But even my heart wasn't quite sure who was right.

Clara: You have no idea who won, do you?

Toot: Not a clue! Sorry for wasting your time, guys! (Clara and Ling-Ling sit back disappointed.)

Clara: That's okay, Toot. We'll figure it out.

Toot: Okay! (She gets up.) Well, if you guys need my help for anything else, just let me know!

Clara: Will do!

Holding her flip-flops in her hand, Toot prances back upstairs. Clara and Ling-Ling turn to each other.

Clara: Well, Ling-Ling. It looks like we're still at an impasse. So what are we going to do?

Ling-Ling: You know what, Carla? Let's go to Morningwood.

Clara: Really, Ling-Ling. You mean that?

Ling-Ling: When Ling-Ling marry Carla, he promise to do whatever it take to make her happy. If seeing father on Christmas make Carla happy, that what he do. Own needs not important.

Clara: But Ling-Ling, you want to see your father just as much as I want to see mine! It's not right that YOU should always be the one having to sacrifice something! I'm just as responsible for YOUR happiness as you are for mine! Ling-Ling... let's go to Asia. My father will understand.

Ling-Ling: But Carla right! Holiday not as important to Ling-Ling father as it is to Carla! We should go to Morningwood!

Clara: But Ling-Ling, YOU were right! I can't deny it, my father DOES have some hostility toward you! And YOUR father has never greeted me with anything but open arms! We should go to Asia!

Ling-Ling: Carla, you not talk Ling-Ling out of this. We going to Morningwood!

Clara: We're going to Asia!

Ling-Ling: Morningwood!

Clara: Asia!

Ling-Ling: Morningwood!

Clara: Asia!

Ling-Ling: Rabbit season!

Clara: Duck season!

As Clara and Ling-Ling continue to argue, Foxxy rushes into the living room followed by Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor. Foxxy stops behind the couch while the others race to the window.

Ling-Ling: Why can't Carla just let Ling-Ling do something nice for her for Christmas?

Clara: Well, how come YOU always get to be the hero? Why can't *I* sacrifice my happiness for *you* sometimes?

Ling-Ling: We going to Morningwood!

Clara: We're going to Asia! (She sighs.) Oh, forget it, this is hopeless. I don't know how we're ever going to decide!

Foxxy: Actually, you two... I think that decision just got made for you! (Clara and Ling-Ling turn to Foxxy.)

Clara: What are you talking about, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Go look out the window!

Clara and Ling-Ling get off the couch and go over to the window. Foxxy follows them. We see everyone looking out the window, completely wide-eyed.

Clara: Oh, my!

Hero: I don't believe it!

Spanky: I never thought it would happen in a million years!

The camera lingers for a moment on everyone's awestruck faces, then slowly swivels around to reveal the outside. We see that everything in sight is completely covered in snow. A massive blizzard continues to fall from the sky. The camera cuts back to the housemates looking at the snowfall, still in complete awe.

Wooldoor: (to Foxxy) So NOW can I go play in the snow?

Foxxy: Yes, Wooldoor. NOW you can go play in the snow!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Wooldoor runs upstairs to get into his winter clothes. Hero and Spanky follow him. Foxxy, Clara, and Ling-Ling continue to look at the snow fall.

Clara: This is absolutely unbelievable.

Foxxy: The radio says this is the biggest snowfall to hit our area since they started keeping track of it!

Clara: How are the roads?

Foxxy: Completely unnavigable. The weather's so bad, they can't even get the snow plow out there!

Clara: And it's not going to get any better, is it?

Foxxy: Nope. They say it's supposed to keep snowing like this for days!

Clara: Well, Ling-Ling... we couldn't decide where to spend our Christmas. It looks like God decided for us.

Ling-Ling: Looks like it.

Foxxy: They've shut down all the public transportation systems until further notice. The trains, the buses, the airports...

Clara: Airport? (She suddenly realizes. A somber expression freezes on her face.) Oh, no...

Toot: Hey, guys! What's up?

The three of them turn around to see Toot standing in front of them. She is still wearing her Hawaiian dress, but her flip-flops are now dangling from her ears on metal bands like earrings.

Foxxy: Uh, Toot? You feelin' okay?

Toot: (points to her shoes dangling from her ears) Oh, you mean these? It's something new I'm trying. You know those places that say no shoes no service? Well, they don't say you have to be wearing the shoes on your FEET!

Clara: No, Toot. We don't mean your shoes. There's something we need to tell you.

Toot: (sensing Clara's tone) What is it, Clara? Is something wrong?

Clara: Yes, it is, Toot. Remember when I was mad at you earlier, how I said I hoped it snowed in Hawaii? Well, in retrospect, I really wish I hadn't said that.

Toot: What are you talking about? (Clara motions to Toot to look out the window. Toot cautiously walks over to the window and looks out. She sees the massive snowfall. Immediately she becomes annoyed.) Goddammit! (She turns to Clara angrily.) Thanks a lot, Clara!

Clara: In my defense, I did specify that I wanted it to snow in HAWAII! (Toot sighs in frustration.)

Toot: Forget it. It's not your fault. (She sighs, then turns around.) Oh, well. Guess we won't be making it to Hawaii.

Foxxy: Sorry about that, Toot.

Toot: It's okay. We can go some other time. Maybe after the holidays.

Clara: I'm glad you're taking it so well, Toot.

Toot: Eh. So we miss a little vacation. It's not the end of the world. Marty and I can just hang out here at the house for Christmas. It won't be as nice as going to Hawaii, but as long we're together, it'll be okay. (Clara and Foxxy say nothing. They avert their glances, almost afraid to look at Toot. Toot notices their behavior.) What? What's going on?

Foxxy: Toot, do you know for sure that Marty's in town yet? Didn't you say he was coming in from Chicago?

Toot: He is. Why?

Foxxy: (hands Toot a cell phone) Here. You'd better give him a call. (Toot takes the phone.)

Toot: Sure, Foxxy. (She dials.) Marty? You there? (As Toot takes off her flip-flop earrings, the scene cuts to Marty at the airport.)

Marty: Toot! Thank God! I've been trying to get hold of you for hours! Is something going on with your phone?

Toot: My phone? Oh, I shut it off because I was sick of relatives calling me every few minutes to wish me Happy Hannukah! I mean, geez, if I wanted to talk to you guys, I'd show up at synagogue every once in a while!

Marty: I don't blame you.

Toot: So what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Marty?

Marty: Well, Toot, it's about our trip. It's looking kind of iffy at the moment.

Toot: That's okay. We can go some other time.

Marty: I'm glad you understand.

Toot: So what time do you think you'll make it to the house?

Marty: The house?

Toot: Marty? You are still coming to the house, right?

Marty: (sighs) Oh, boy.

Toot: Marty, please tell me you're in town.

Marty: No, I'm not, Toot. I'm still in Chicago. (We see Toot become instantly crushed.) With the weather the way it is, all the planes have been grounded.

Toot: You mean this snowstorm stretches all the way to Chicago?

Marty: No, it's got nothing to do with the snowstorm. That's just what the weather's like here.

Toot: (almost in tears) So... you're not coming?

Marty: Toot, if I knew of a way, I'd be there in a heartbeat. You know that.

Toot: I know. (She sighs, depressed.)

Marty: God... I wish that stupid magazine had never sent me here.

Toot: I wish that stupid magazine never sent you anywhere.

Marty: So do I, Toot. (He sighs.) So do I.

The scene changes to Clara and Foxxy watching Toot conclude her phone call.

Toot: I'll talk to you later, then, Marty. Call me if anything changes.

Marty: (on phone) I will.

Toot: I love you.

Marty: (on phone) I love you too.

Toot: Bye. (She hangs up. Instead of turning around to face Foxxy and Clara, Toot merely stands there for a moment staring into space with hardly any expression at all.)

Foxxy: I'm sorry, Toot.

Clara: Would you like to talk about it?

Toot: There's nothing to talk about. (She sighs again, then turns around and walks back past the two women.) Here's your phone back, Foxxy. (She gives Foxxy back her phone.) Thanks. (She walks out of the room. Foxxy and Clara turn to each other with looks of concern.)

Wooldoor (in confessional): Spanky and Hero and I decided to get into our winter clothes and play in the snow together! We were going to build a snowman and have a snowball fight and build a snowfort and make snow angels, and then afterward Spanky said he'd show us all how to write our names in the snow! It was going to be the best day ever!

Cut to the guys in the hallway upstairs. Wooldoor opens the door to the guys' room while Hero and Spanky stand behind him. The camera changes to a view of the guys from the front. They are all immediately shocked upon opening the door.

Wooldoor: What the hell?

Hero: Are you kidding me?

Spanky: I really shouldn't be surprised by this.

Xandir: (still running around in circles) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Spanky: Oh, for God's sake, Xandir! This is ridiculous! Seriously, get a life!

Xandir: (still running around in circles) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: (to Hero) He's been at this for hours. Maybe even days!

Hero: You're not sure?

Xandir: (still running around in circles) Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Wooldoor: We tend to tune it out after a while.

Spanky: If you want to keep your sanity, I suggest you do the same.

Hero nods. Moments later, we see the guys emerging from Hero's room all dressed in winter clothes. We hear Xandir in the background still running around screaming "Oh my God oh my God oh my God!". They close the door and walk down the hallway. Toot walks toward them on her way to her own room.

Wooldoor: Hey, Toot! How's it going?

Toot does not answer Wooldoor. She is trying her best to be stoic, but a tear can be seen trickling down her cheek. She passes the guys, then walks into her room and closes the door. The guys look after her. Spanky turns around with a lascivious grin on his face.

Spanky: (grinning) Chick crying... nice! (Hero smacks Spanky on the shoulder.) Ow!

Hero: What's wrong with you, man? (Spanky is confused.)

Wooldoor: Toot's obviously really upset about something. You shouldn't be eroticizing her!

Spanky: Eroticizing? That's a pretty big word for you, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: I've got six degrees. Don't mess with me, pig! (He points his finger at Spanky defiantly.)

Spanky: Fine. (They continue on their way downstairs.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 3

Clara (in confessional): While the guys were outside playing in the snow, the rest of us were busy trying to revise our plans.

Cut to the kitchen. Foxxy and Ling-Ling are tidying up while Clara is talking on her cell phone. Toot sits at the table depressed.

Clara: (on phone) Father, I promise you, I didn't "cave in to my Asian midget husband's demands"! We're not going to the castle for Christmas because the roads are completely snowed in! We can't even make it out of the house!

King: Stop making excuses, Clara. Morningwood isn't THAT far away. It's only an hour by carriage!

Clara: Yes, but Father, it's completely surrounded by mountains! We'd never get through in weather like this!

King: Then use your power of teleportation to transport yourself here!

Clara: Father, you know that power only kicks in when I'm fighting a moral shortcoming of some sort!

King: A moral shortcoming, eh? Clara- daddy's thinking about getting a new whore!

Clara: Sorry, Father, not good enough!

King: Damn! I knew once that altar boy scandal hit, whoring wouldn't seem such a big deal anymore!

Clara: What?

King: Nothing, Clara. Never mind!

Clara: I'll talk to you later, Father. Goodbye. (She hangs up and turns to Foxxy.) So have all the guests cancelled yet?

Foxxy: Yep. Every last one of them. Even Mr. Freeze, Captain Hero's old friend from when he used to hang out with Batman! And he LOVES the snow!

Clara: Well... that news ought to make SOMEONE happy! (She walks over to Toot.) Hey, Toot? I've got something that might lift your spirits!

Toot: What's that?

Clara: All of our party guests cancelled on us. So it looks like this massive amount of food is just going to be for us!

Toot: Oh. That's nice, I guess.

Clara: (turning to Foxxy) Wow. She is really down. (She walks over and stands beside Foxxy.) I wish there was something we could do to cheer her up.

Foxxy: Maybe there is. Clara, help me take all this food to the basement.

Clara: The basement? Okay.

Foxxy: And Ling-Ling- I want you to go get...

Foxxy picks up Ling-Ling and begins whispering in his ear. Ling-Ling nods in acknowledgement. She puts him down, then he takes off into the next room. Clara and Foxxy begin carrying the food to the basement. On their way to the basement, they pass through the living room. Foxxy continues on to the basement, while Clara stops for a moment, arrested by something she sees.

Clara: Oh, my!

The camera cuts to reveal what Clara is looking at. There are huge amounts of snow piled up around the perimeter of the living room. In the middle of the room, Wooldoor and Spanky, still in winter clothes, are building a snowman.

Wooldoor: Hey, Clara!

Clara: Oh, my God! What on earth are you guys doing?

Spanky: It was snowing too hard outside for us to play in the snow!

Wooldoor: So we decided to bring the snow in here!

Clara: Wooldoor, you realize the inside of the house is heated, don't you? All this snow is just going to melt!

Wooldoor: We know! And when it does, we'll go outside and get more! Trust me, Clara, there's no shortage of the stuff out there.

Clara: Yes, Wooldoor, but when the snow melts, it'll flood the living room!

Wooldoor: It will? (to Spanky) We'd better go get our swimming trunks!

Clara: So where's Captain Hero?

Spanky: Oh, he took off. We started pelting him with snowballs and he ran away screaming like a little girl. With all this snow, he probably forgot which house was which.

Clara: That makes sense. Well, whenever you guys are done playing with the snow, don't forget to clean up!

Wooldoor: We won't!

Clara: Thanks. The Swiffer's in the closet.

As Wooldoor and Spanky resume building their snowman, Clara turns to walk out. However, she stops and walks back over to them.

Clara: Oh. And one other thing, guys. As soon as you're done with that... (She puts an arm around each of them and begins whispering in their ears. Spanky and Wooldoor each nod for a moment before Wooldoor breaks the mood.)

Wooldoor: Wait. Clara, why are we whispering? We're the only ones here.

Clara: Good point. I'll just tell you, then.

Foxxy (in confessional): So Ling-Ling, Clara, and I spent the next several hours working in the basement, trying to keep the food from spoiling or getting cold while we got everything else ready. Thankfully, Ling-Ling's energy balls work wonders for food preservation!

Cut to the door leading to the stop of the stairs. Foxxy, Clara, and Ling-Ling step out of it.

Clara: Well... I think that's everything! I'm going to go get dressed and tell the others. (She leaves. Foxxy turns to Ling-Ling.)

Foxxy: Ling-Ling... do you know what you's supposed to do?

Ling-Ling: Don't worry. Ling-Ling get job done!

Foxxy: (patting him on the head) Make us proud, Ling-Ling!

Ling-Ling nods appreciatively. Foxxy heads off. Ling-Ling walks into the kitchen, where he sees Toot standing behind the counter digging through the drawers.

Ling-Ling: Hey land whale! Ling-Ling glad to see you not still sitting around depressed anymore.

Toot: I thought about it, Ling-Ling, but then I realized I don't need to sit around depressed!

Ling-Ling: That good.

Toot: I can just go back to cutting myself like I used to do! (She reaches into the drawer and pulls out a very large knife.) This should do fine! (She lays her left wrist on the counter and begins to draw the knife across it.

Ling-Ling: Toot, no! Please... Toot not cut herself again!

Toot: Why not, Ling-Ling? It relieves the pain! And I'm in a loooooooot of pain right now!

Ling-Ling: Toot in pain... why not just booze it up like you usually do?

Toot: I did that already! And now I'm all out of booze and I can't make it to the store to get more!

Ling-Ling: (thinking quickly) Um... Ling-Ling know where Toot can find more booze.

Toot: (perking up) You do? Where?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling see booze in basement!

Toot: You did? That's great, Ling-Ling! Could you go get it for me?

Ling-Ling: Um... Ling-Ling can't. Crate too big, Ling-Ling not able to lift it. Land whale need to get it herself.

Toot: (puts knife down) Fine. Take me to where it is.

Ling-Ling heads out followed by Toot. As they walk through the living room, we see the remains of a rapidly melting snowman in the shape of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz. A sign sticks out of the snow figure's shoulders which says "I'm melting!". Toot opens the door to the basement. Ling-Ling walks through the door. Toot follows him, closing the door behind them.

Toot: (walking down the stairs just behind Ling-Ling) Hey, Ling-Ling, could you turn the light on? I'd rather not stub my toe in the dark.

Ling-Ling: Land whale do it herself!

Toot: (annoyed) Fine!

Toot turns on the light. Immediately her look changes to one of wide-eyed wonderment.

Toot: Oh, my God!

The camera cuts to reveal what Toot is looking at. The entire basement is decked out to look like the beach. The floor is covered with sand and dotted with realistic-looking palm trees. The food is located on a large blanket off to the side. In the middle of the basement gathered around one of the trees are the housemates. Clara and Foxxy both wear sarong dresses similar to Toot's, except Clara's is blue while Foxxy's is red. Xandir wears a green sarong dress, and inexplicably has his boots on. Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor wear Hawaiian shirts with normal swim trunks, with blue, red, and green themes respectively. Hero is strumming a ukulele.

Clara: Aloha, Toot!

Toot: (walking up to them) Oh, my God! I can't believe you guys did this!

Foxxy: It wasn't that hard! All we had to do take all the glass in the house and have Wooldoor grind it into sand, then have him genetically engineer some palm tree seeds and have Hero rapidly bring them to maturity with his heat vision!

Ling-Ling: And Ling-Ling sew everybody Hawaiian outfits with sewing machine the producers give them that one time!

Toot: Wow! Very impressive!

Spanky: And then we somehow managed to get Xandir to shut the hell up and stop running around like an idiot! I'm still not quite sure how we pulled that one off, though.

Toot: Aw, guys, you didn't have to do that!

Spanky: Yes, we did. Foxxy made us.

Xandir: I promised them I'd come down to try to help cheer you up. Once you start feeling better, I'm going to go back upstairs and start running around in circles again.

Toot: Thanks, Xandir. That means a lot to me.

Foxxy: It would mean a lot more if Xandir had taken his boots off like we tried to get him to!

Clara: Yeah, Xandir! All the rest of us are barefoot! What's YOUR problem?

Xandir: Sorry, guys, I was just so busy running around that I didn't have time to shave my feet today!

Toot: That's okay, you guys. I'm just touched that you did all this for me.

Foxxy: Well, Toot, we figured if you couldn't make it to Hawaii, we thought we'd try to bring Hawaii to you.

Toot: (sits down with the group) Thanks. You guys are the best.

Hero: We are, aren't we?

Toot: You are.

Clara: I guess we're not bad for a consolation prize.

Toot: Don't be silly, Clara. You're not a consolation prize at all! I mean, Hawaii is nice, but... I would have missed you guys. So maybe it's better we didn't get to go.

Clara: You're right, Toot. Now that I'm sitting here with all of you, I'm not really sure why we wanted to leave anyway. This is much nicer than spending the holiday at my castle!

Ling-Ling: Or Asia!

Clara: You guys are my family. In fact, I care a lot more about you guys than the people I'm actually related to!

Foxxy: And that goes double for me!

Ling-Ling: Triple for Ling-Ling!

Hero: Uh... uh...

Foxxy: Quadruple.

Hero: Quadruple for me!

Spanky: And so on, and so forth.

Foxxy: I know we was all upset about our Christmas plans getting ruined. But I think it worked out for the best.

Clara: Yeah. I think this was where we all needed to be for Christmas.

Wooldoor: With the people we truly care about.

Spanky: And Xandir.

Xandir: (shocked) Spanky!

Spanky: Oh, Xandir. I'm kidding. You annoy the hell out of us, but we care about you too.

Clara: I think it's safe to say we all annoy the hell out of each other.

Toot: We do.

Clara: But I for one wouldn't have it any other way!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling either!

Toot: Me either!

Foxxy: Me either!

Wooldoor: Me either!

Hero: Me either!

Spanky: Me either!

Xandir: (lifting his dress and looking at his thigh) Oh, no, I think I'm getting a pimple! (Spanky laughs. The others smile quietly to themselves. Xandir turns to the others.) Does anyone have any Oxy?

Hero: (laughing) Oh, Xandir, you nut!

Clara: Okay, that's enough sappiness for now. Who's in the mood for presents? (Wooldoor immediately sticks his hand up.)

Wooldoor: Ooh! Me! Me!

Foxxy: All right, everybody, we each get to open one present. The rest we're gonna save for Christmas morning!

Wooldoor: Well... okay!

Spanky: I want Xandir to go first! I want to see him open my gift!

Xandir: Ooh, you got me a gift, Spanky? (Spanky hands Xandir the gift.) Ooh, I wonder what it is! (Xandir unwraps the gift and opens the box. With a perplexed look on his face, he pulls out the contents- a pair of pants. He turns to Spanky with a look of disbelief. Spanky snickers.) Um, Spanky?

Spanky: Yes, Xandir?

Xandir: What the hell are these?

Spanky: They're pants! You put them on your ass so it isn't hanging out all the time! (He breaks down laughing.)

Xandir: Very funny, Spanky!

Wooldoor: Ooh! Can I go next?

Foxxy: Yes, you may, Wooldoor. (She hands him a gift.) Here's your present. I know it's something you've been wanting for a long time!

Wooldoor eagerly opens the box and pulls out the contents.

Wooldoor: Just what I wanted! A gerbil!

Clara: Ewwww! It's dead! (to Hero) Dammit, Hero, don't you know you're supposed to poke holes in the lid?

Wooldoor: No, Clara, that's okay, I *wanted* a dead one! (He cuddles it.) I'm going to call it Whiskers!

Xandir: Hey, Wooldoor, can I borrow that when you're done? (Wooldoor looks at him strangely.)

Foxxy: (handing Spanky a gift) Here, Spanky. Here's something that I got you! (Spanky opens the gift and pulls out the contents. It appears to be a model kit of some sort.)

Spanky: Wow! The official Do-It-Yourself Porn Kit!

Foxxy: That box has a digital video camera, photoshopping software, and some naked pictures of celebrities to get you started!

Spanky: I may never leave my room again!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling want Carla to open her gift next!

Clara: Why, Ling-Ling, I'd love to! (He hands her a present. She opens it.) Oh, my! However did you find one of these things?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know people.

Toot: What is it, Clara? (Clara pulls out an object out of the box and shows it to everybody.)

Clara: It's an original Jesus Christ Cabbage Patch Doll! (She cuddles the doll.) They haven't made these things since Biblical times!

Hero: Oh! Me next! Me next!

Foxxy: (hands Hero a gift) Here you go, Hero. It's something we thought you could really use! (Hero opens the gift.)

Hero: (slightly annoyed) What's this? (He holds up the gift. It is a book.) Superheroing for Dummies?

Toot: We thought it might help you figure out how to use your super powers when it would actually help the situation!

Hero: Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! (He begins flipping through the book.) Ooh, there's a chapter on me!

Clara: Ling-Ling, why don't you open my gift next?

Ling-Ling: That sound good! (Clara hands Ling-Ling the box. He opens it. His face lights up.) Oh wow! (He pulls out a pair of Clara's panties.) Carla's old underwear! (He reaches further into the box and pulls out a pair of shoes.) And her shoes! Oh, this best Christmas present ever! (He sniffs the shoes, then gets that happy look on his face and falls backward.)

Clara: Wooldoor, that wasn't the box I told you to wrap! That was a box of stuff I was donating to Goodwill!

Foxxy: You were donating your panties to Goodwill?

Clara: What, you want those orphans to walk around ass out like Xandir does?

Wooldoor: I think that stuff ended up in better hands, Clara.

Clara: I suppose so.

Toot: Why don't you open one now, Foxxy?

Foxxy: That sounds like a good idea!

Hero: (holding a very large package out in front of himself) I think Foxxy should open my gift!

Foxxy: Okay, Hero. Just hand it over here to me.

Hero: Um... I can't.

Clara: (putting her hand over her eyes) Oh, God, he didn't!

Spanky: He did!

Foxxy: (opens the box and peers inside) Oh, that's a nice present!

Hero: I think it's just what a girl like you needs!

Wooldoor cranes his head to get a better look. The others merely look on with interest.

Wooldoor: Wow!

Xandir: That would be my fondest wish come true! To receive a-

Clara: Xandir, if you start singing that Justin Timberlake song, I'm going to have to hurt you!

Xandir: Sorry.

Foxxy: If it's all right with you, I think I'll put this present away and play with it later.

Hero: (giving Foxxy a seductive look) Just don't leave it in a closet and forget about it.

Foxxy: (returning Hero's seductive look) Oh, this ain't going in the closet! I'm keeping this in the bed with me at all times!

Spanky: Okay, moving along...

Clara: Good idea, Spanky.

Foxxy: All right, y'all. So is there anyone here that ain't opened a present yet?

Wooldoor: Toot hasn't!

Foxxy: Well, Toot? You feel like opening something?

Toot: That's okay, Foxxy. There's really only one thing I want for Christmas this year. And I'm pretty sure none of you got me THAT.

Hero: Don't be so sure of that, Toot! I happen to think my gift might be exactly what you've been wishing for!

Toot: I really think you're wrong, Hero.

Hero: Oh, yeah? Well, let's just see! (He hands her a large box. Toot opens it and pulls out what's inside.)

Toot: A Cuisinart?

Hero: Did I guess right?

Toot: No. (Disappointedly, she puts the Cuisinart back in the box.) But thanks for trying.

Hero: Wait a minute. You mean that seriously wasn't it? (Toot shakes her head.) Damn! I thought for sure I'd figured it out! Maybe I should have gone with my second guess.

Toot: What was your second guess?

Hero: This!

Hero stands up and walks across the room. He pushes some boxes aside. Out steps Marty. Toot's face immediately lights up. She runs across the room and throws her arms around him. Marty hugs her back.

Wooldoor: Hey, that's not fair! She got to open two presents!

Toot: (still hugging him very tightly) Oh, my God, Marty... I can't believe you made it!

Marty: I can't either.

Toot: (almost in tears) You won't believe how glad I am to see you right now!

Marty: Oh, yes, I will. Because I'm even more glad!

Toot: Marty, I don't give a rat's ass about Hawaii anymore. Just as long as you're here, that's all I need.

Marty: Oh, Toot... now that I have you back in my arms... I'm never going to leave you again!

Toot: (relaxing her grip) So what happened? I thought you were still stuck in Chicago.

Marty: I was!

Toot: Then how did you get here?

Marty: Well, believe it or not... (They let go. Marty points to Hero.) Captain Hero came to Chicago and got me and then flew me all the way back here on his back! (Everyone looks at Hero stunned.)

Hero: (smugly) Still think I don't know how to make use of my super powers?

Spanky: Hold on just a minute. When did you do this, Hero?

Hero: Foxxy told me when we came downstairs how down Toot was about Marty not being here. So when you threw that snowball at me, I pretended to run away screaming... but I was really flying to Chicago to get Marty!

Spanky: I still think some of those girlish shrieks were genuine.

Foxxy: Hero, how the hell did you find your way to Chicago through that blizzard? (Hero points to his eyes.) You mean... you actually used your X-ray vision for something besides spying on us in the shower?

Hero: *And* I used my heat vision to melt the snow in our way! Once I got Marty back to the house, I snuck him in disguised as a snowman. Then while the rest of you were upstairs getting ready for the party, I brought him down here and hid him behind those big boxes that I conveniently left sitting out!

Toot runs up to Hero and throws her arms around him.

Toot: Oh, Hero, this is the best Christmas present anyone's ever given me! (She lets go.) I guess that's ironic given that neither of us actually celebrates the holiday. (She hugs him again.) But thank you, Hero! Thank you.

She lets go and walks back over to Marty.

Toot: So... I guess this Christmas turned out okay after all! So what do you want to do now? Go jump in the hot tub? Or just fill the bathtub full of hot water and PRETEND it's the hot tub? Or, you know, we could just go have sex somewhere.

Marty: Uh, Toot... before you start getting carried away, there's something I need to tell you.

Toot: What's that?

Marty: While I was at the airport, I did a lot of thinking about our situation. About how you're HERE while I'm always in some other part of the country. One part of me is in one place while another part of me is in another, and I just can't deal with it anymore. It seems like life is determined to make me choose between you and my job. So... I'm sure you agree that there was only one thing I could do.

Toot: You're quitting your job?

Marty: No, I'm breaking up with you.

Toot: (stunned) You're... you're breaking up with me? (She closes her eyes and sighs in frustration, almost in tears again.) Dammit, I knew this was too good to be true.

Marty: Toot? (She looks at him not knowing what to say.) Toot, I'm kidding. Of course I'm quitting my job!

Toot: (breathing a huge sigh of relief) Oh, goddammit, Marty, you are mean! (She playfully hits him, then hugs him, becoming joyous again.) Have I mentioned lately that I love you?

Marty: A couple of times.

Toot releases Marty from the hug, but holds on to his hands.

Toot: So you really quit your job for me?

Marty: I really quit my job for you.

Toot: Wow.

Marty: I know.

Toot: So what are you going to do for work now?

Marty: I have no idea. I don't even care. Just as long as I don't have to leave you again.

Toot: That's sweet, Marty, but you need to be realistic. How are you going to get by until you find another job?

Marty: Actually... I was thinking I could maybe stay here and sponge off you guys!

Toot: Okay! (She turns around to the others.) Hey, guys! Marty's going to be staying here a while! (She looks at him.) He can sleep in my room! (Clara immediately gets up.)

Clara: Oh, no, no, no! That will never do! An unmarried couple living in the same house together? It's indecent!

Foxxy: Uh, Clara? Hero and I aren't married and we live in the same house together!

Spanky: And Wooldoor and I aren't married either!

Wooldoor: I guess that means we're living in sin.

Clara: Okay, so I guess that makes me kind of a hypocrite. But I can't help it! (She looks at Toot and Marty.) For you two to live like that... it would just seem wrong to me!

Marty: Well, that's easy to fix. Toot, will you marry me?

Toot: (laughing) Oh, Marty, you're a funny one! Come on, Clara, quit giving us a hard time!

Marty: I was being serious, Toot. (She looks at him surprised.)

Toot: Marty, it's nice that you're trying to do the right thing, but you really don't have to. I know Clara sounds threatening, but really, she's a lot more open-minded than she lets on. There's nothing sinful about sharing a bed without being married.

Marty: I know there isn't. But believe me, Toot- this has nothing to do with what Clara said.

Toot: Really?

Marty: Toot, when I was sitting around that airport worrying about whether I'd ever see you again, I realized something. I don't want to just spend this Christmas with you. I want to spend all my Christmases with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Toot stands looking at Marty for a moment, not saying a word. Her expression is a mix of joy and shock. She looks down for a moment.

Marty: Toot? Are you okay?

Toot: I'm okay, Marty. I guess I'm just still trying to take all this in. Wow... I was not ready for a proposal tonight!

Marty: Okay, well... now that you've had some time to get used to the idea... why don't I try it again?

Toot: Huh?

Marty pulls a ring out of his pocket and holds it out to Toot.

Marty: Toot... will you marry me?

Toot looks at the ring for a moment, then steps back.

Toot: (dismissing him) Eh. I'll think about it.

Marty gives Toot a look. She pauses for a moment, then shrugs and sighs.

Toot: Fine. You forced it out of me!

The joyous look returns to Toot's face. She runs up to Marty and throws her arms around him again.

Marty: Is that a yes?

Toot: Yes, Marty! Yes, I'll marry you!

Toot and Marty hug for a moment. He then places his hands to her cheeks and tilts her face toward him. They begin to kiss. The camera finally cuts to the other housemates. They are beside themselves with joy.

Foxxy: Oh my God, they finally did it! Isn't this great, y'all?

Clara: Would you look at that? My plan worked!

Spanky: Your plan? You mean- you said all that stuff just to make Marty propose to her?

Clara: I sure did!

Wooldoor: Well, Marty already had the ring- obviously he was planning to do it anyway!

Clara: I know. I was just making sure he didn't chicken out!

The group continues to watch Toot and Marty kiss. They all wear big smiles on their faces.

Spanky: So what do you think is going to end up lasting longer? This kiss, or the amount of time Xandir is going to spend running around in circles going "Oh my God!" about it?

Clara: Right now, I'd say they're neck and neck!

Foxxy: Ooh, is Toot and Marty neckin'?

Clara: Figure of speech, Foxxy.

Toot and Marty finally stop kissing and walk back over and join the group. Hero takes his ukulele back out and begins strumming it again.

Foxxy: Well, I guess this started out as a cheer up Toot party, but it looks like it's turned into an engagement party!

Clara: Do you two lovebirds want us to clear the beach so you can have some privacy?

Toot: In a little bit. But for right now, I think we'd like to finish celebrating Christmas with our friends!

Spanky: Sounds good to me!

Wooldoor: I have an idea! How about we finally enjoy some of that yummy food we've been saving?

Foxxy: Good idea, Wooldoor!

As Wooldoor and Ling-Ling go get the food, Toot and Marty sit down. Wooldoor and Ling-Ling bring the food back and begin setting it down in front of everyone.

Spanky: So, Hero, are you just going to sit there all night strumming that thing or are you actually going to play a song?

Hero: Hmm... Well, I *do* know one song. And I think it's very appropriate to the occasion!

Wooldoor: Well, shut up and play it!

Hero begins strumming the ukulele playing a typical Hawaiian sounding melody. However, after a moment, the song segues into a series of power chords. The group begins singing along to the very recognizable tune.

Everyone: (singing) Feel like makin' love!

Wooldoor and Spanky: (singing the power chords similar to Beavis and Butthead) Da da DA! Da da DA! Da da DA!

Everyone: (singing) Feel like makin' love!

Wooldoor and Spanky: (singing) Da da DA! Da da DA! Da da DA!

Everyone: (singing) Feel like makin' looooooove... to yooooooou!

As Hero continues playing, the housemates continue singing the song. The scene fades.


THE END