Pandora's Package

[lorelei]

Pandora’s Package

Part 1

The scene opens in the living room, where we see the housemates lounging, either reading or watching TV. Foxxy stands near a couple of suitcases, looking over a list.

Foxxy: ooh, I can’t believe I almost forgot my jingle-Frisbee! (She reaches into one of the bookshelves and pulls it out. She blows the dust off of it.) That’d be like forgettin my voice (quickly to Ling-Ling) and don’t you even think about it!

Ling-Ling: (indignant) What? What Ling-Ling do now?

Xandir: (bitterly) YOU know what you did!

Ling-Ling: Homo still mad about that? (scoffs) Move on!

Spanky: So, Foxxy, are you guys actually going to record some tracks this time? Or are you going to just blow it off again and booze it up all weekend? Either way (he stands up) You’re going to need a designated….uh….director.

Foxxy: So you can pee on us when we’re passed out – I mean - trying to record? Like to see you try to urinate in a room with all those electronics we gonna be using.

Spanky: Eh, no different than peeing on an electric fence.

Cut to Spanky standing near a barnyard relieving himself on a wire fence. He gets zapped, we see a flash of light; and then we see him collapsed on the ground. A sheep walks up to him and starts licking his head. Spanky comes around, sits up and grabs the sheep. They look into each other’s eyes.

Spanky: Well, hellooooo, nurse!

CUE OPENING TITLES.

Xandir enters with a tray of drinks in champagne flutes. He is dressed in a French maid’s outfit.

Xandir: Here we are! Let’s see, I have champagne and orange juice, and champagne and pomegranate juice! And there’s enough for everyone to have one of each! (He puts the tray on the coffee table) The eggs-white/cheese-tofu/pesto omelets and the zucchini banana nut carob cranberry bread should be out any minute.

Spanky: (helping himself to a drink) Wow, Xandir, you’ve outdone yourself! This has got to be the gayest brunch ever served.

Toot: (entering with an enormous tray of food) Don’t worry Spanky, I’ve got REAL breakfast food for those who don’t want all that organic health-freak hippy food.

We see a close-up the tray. There’s a huge stack of pancakes, an equally huge stack of waffles, a plate of sausage and bacon, another plate loaded with biscuits and gravy, another with home fries, corn beef hash and grits. Toot puts the tray down and begins passing out the plates.

Spanky: (putting his drink down) NOW we’re talking!

Ling-Ling: (perking up) Ling-Ling take meat and cakes over hippy food! (He finishes his drink, puts the glass aside and rubs his little hands together)

Xandir: (to Toot) Are you trying to upstage me, honey? No one will eat my perfectly healthy and carefully prepared dishes!

Toot: So? There will be more for you!

Xandir: Oh, you are such a minx! (pinching his sides) Of course I can’t eat it ALL.

Toot: Eh, I’ll help you with the bread I guess. But I’m not touching those icky tofu cheese omelet things.

Xandir: Hey, I used the best tofu cheese ever made!

Toot: Yeah, I think I’ll pass.

Wooldoor: I’ll try an omelet, Xandir!

Clara: Um, Wooldoor? You know it’s made with tofu cheese, right? I don’t think you’ll like it.

Wooldoor: Well, it IS a vegetable. And you’re always saying I need to eat more veggies, right?

Clara: Okay…don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Spanky: (helping himself to bacon and sausage and a waffle) Yeah, there’s food’s food and then there’s food that never should have happened!

The others look at Spanky curiously as he begins to chow down on the bacon. They shrug and help themselves to the tray of food and start digging in. Suddenly, we hear a tapping sound from off-screen. Foxxy puts down her plate and jumps up.

Foxxy: Ooh, sounds like the mail is here! (She rushes over to the front door and opens it)

Xandir: Let me know if he’s cute. (giggles)

Cut to Foxxy on the front porch. She pulls the mail out of the box and then looks around on the front porch.

Foxxy: Damn! I thought I woulda had my package by now! I could have used it for the trip! (She carries the mail into the living room)

Toot: Is it another shipment of sex toys?

Foxxy: No, marshmallow, my electric lingerie.

Toot: (ignoring the insult) Really? That sounds dreamy!

Hero: (excited) Yeah!

Foxxy: Ogle all yas want, but tha’s the Foxxy’s electric lingerie. And it cost a pretty penny too. So if gets here before I get back, just leave it on my bed, okay?

Xandir: Sure, Foxxy. Whatever you say.

Foxxy: And no messing with it. In fact….just don’t open it, okay?

Hero: Really, Foxxy, it sounds like you don’t trust us!

Foxxy: That’s because I don’t! Don’t even think about opening that package till I get back!

Spanky: (smiling) So…once we hear you arriving on the porch, its open season, right?

Foxxy: (glaring at Spanky) I don’t want NOBODY to open that package but me!

Clara: Anybody.

Foxxy: Fine. (She puts the mail on the table and sits down next to Clara) Oh, and Clara? I’ve gots a favor to ask of you.

Clara: What is it, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Would you keep an eye on things while I’m gone?

Clara: (surprised) Of course, but…why are you asking me?

Foxxy: I think I can trust you to keep things in line.

Clara: Really? Oh, thank you, Foxxy!

Foxxy: You’ve matured a lot more than I thought. So…I’m sure I can count on you.

Xandir: (picks up one of the mail items and squeals) Ooh! Victoria Secrets is totally having a 50% off sale!

Clara: Really? (She reaches out to take the catalog from Xandir, but he holds it away from her) Xandir, that’s mine!

Xandir: Oh, like, does it have your name on it? It says here “To our neighbor” (He turns away and starts to look through the catalogue, becoming engrossed)

Clara: (getting up) But I’M the last person who went shopping there, and I asked them to put me on their mailing list. Besides, they don’t carry any thongs that you would like. (She easily takes it from him)

Xandir: Oh yes, they do! Give that back!

Xandir gets up and starts chasing Clara around the living room.

Foxxy: (smacks her forehead) Oh, lordy…(looks at Spanky) Um, Spanky?

Spanky: Say no more, I’ll keep a close watch.

Xandir continues to chase Clara as the others watch. Suddenly, Clara slips the catalog down the front of her dress and turns around.

Clara (in Toot’s voice) Come and get it, big boy!

Toot: Do you *have* to keep doing that?

Xandir: (steps back) Ech, I don’t want it that badly.

Hero: (standing up) I’LL come and get it.

Clara: (ignoring Hero, she moves closer to Xandir) What’s the matter, Xandir? Afraid of something you don’t have?

Xandir: Wow, Clara, what’s got into you? Are you drunk?

Clara: (waves her hand in dismissal) Nah, I only had a few sips of that one pomegranate champagne…thing. (she hiccups)

Toot: (taking another drink) Eh, lightweights.

The doorbell rings. Foxxy jumps up.

Foxxy: Well, that’s them! (She runs to the door and opens it. There stands Archie, Reggie and Moose.) Hellooo, boys….

Archie: Hey, Foxxy! Ready?

Foxxy: (flirtatiously) Ready as I’ll ever be.

Clara: (suddenly fearful) Foxxy, when are you coming back?

Foxxy: I done told ya, I’ll be back in three days. And if ya’ll need to reach me, just call my cell, okay?

Clara: Okay. Just, please don’t answer it when…you’re…um…

Foxxy: (smiling) Don’t worry, I won’t.

Clara: Thank you.

Moose and Archie pick up all the bags, and Reggie picks up Foxxy and slings her over his shoulder. Foxxy chuckles and blows everyone a kiss as they walk out the front door.

Foxxy: Later, ya’ll! The Foxxy is outta here!

Cut to the outside of the house where we see a trailer parked by the curb. The doors open, we hear music blaring and a whoop of joy from the rest of the gang inside the trailer.

Clara walks outside and watches from the porch, still looking nervous. Spanky comes out and stands next to her. They watch as they load up the trailer and take off.

Spanky: Yeah….like they’re going to get a lot of recording done! I should have gone along – I’ve always wanted to bang the blonde chick!

Clara frowns at Spanky and then glances back inside. Cut to the living room where we see that Wooldoor is now flinging the pancakes across the room toward Toot and Hero who manage to catch them in their mouths. Ling-Ling is once again passed out on the coffee table.

Clara: Oh dear.

Spanky: What are you so worried about? This is normal.

Clara: Well, I guess you’re right. (They walk back inside, closing the door behind them)

Spanky: Don’t worry, with you and me in charge, nothing can possibly go wrong!

Toot: Goddammit, Spanky! Stop saying that!

Spanky shrugs.

Toot: (in confessional) You think he would have learned by now! (she folds her arms) But noooooo!


Cut to the Jew Producer’s office. We see the Jew Producer watching the entire scene on his closed circuit TV. Next to him sits a beautiful redhead wearing a very slinky dress.

Jew Producer: (rubbing his hands together) Well, Witch Hazel, your timing could not have been better! With Foxxy gone, there is NO way those housemates will be able to resist opening that package you’ve sent. It will be fun watching them deal with the spells you’ve sent there!

Witch Hazel: And you can test the ratings on these freaks being…well EXTRA freaky, and I can pass my mid-term exam.

Witch Hazel: (in confessional) Some of you might remember how my magic backfired and made me pretty. That’s why I’m back in school. I can cast spells, but….(she points to her face) I can’t fix this! But the Head Witch said she would help me IF I got a good grade.

Jew Producer: I do wonder though…if Xandir’s change will affect the ratings? (His voice takes on a worried tone) Or…Captain Hero for that matter?

Witch Hazel: Well, we won’t know until that happens. (She gets up, sits down in his lap and puts her hand on his shoulder) …And that won’t be until they wake up tomorrow! (She starts to kiss his neck)

Jew Producer: (running his hand up her leg) Mmmmm….tomorrow?

Witch Hazel: That’s right…and don’t worry. I’ll only have them under this spell until they give me my grade.

Jew Producer: …and how long with that be?

Witch Hazel: Oh, just for a few days.

Jew Producer: (pulling away) How many is a few? I need to keep the ratings up, you know, and if-

Witch Hazel: Don’t worry about it. (She waves her hand mysteriously over the Jew Producer’s head. He leans in closer to her and runs his other hand up her other leg) That’s better…

Jew Producer: (seductively) I want you…

Witch Hazel: Yeah…I know… (She unzips his pants. The scene fades)


Cut to the living room. It is a few hours later, and the brunch has been cleared away. Toot, Xandir and Wooldoor are sitting on the couch watching TV. The doorbell rings.

Toot: I’ll get it!

Toot gets up, walks over to the door and opens it. There stands the Delivery Guy from Lost in Parking Space. He takes one step back, looking around nervously.

Toot: Something wrong?

Delivery Guy: Oh, uh, nothing. Here, I…uh…need you to sign.

Toot: Sure!

Toot takes the clipboard and signs it. The Delivery Guy puts the package down just inside the door, grabs the clipboard from Toot and rushes off. Toot looks after him, rolls her eyes and shrugs. She picks up the package, holds it for a moment, and shakes it.

Toot: Huh. I don’t think there’s anything in here!

Xandir: (suddenly appearing at her side) Ooh! Is that the sexy electric lingerie for Foxxy?

Toot: (looking over the box) I don’t think so. It has her name on it, but (she shakes the box again) it’s as light as a feather. I don’t think there’s anything in here. And (she looks again) it doesn’t say where it came from…that’s weird.

Hero: (suddenly appearing at her other side) Oh, there wouldn’t be a return address if it’s what *I* think it is! Maybe Foxxy wants us to think that it’s sexy electric lingerie…but it’s something even better! (He gleefully rubs his hands together, and stares at the box intently, using his x-ray vision) What the hell? There’s *isn’t* anything in there!

Toot: Maybe it’s a mix up (She turns to call out to the Delivery Guy, but he is gone)

Hero: (grabs the box from Toot) Whatever it is, it might be wrapped in some sort of metallic foil that I *can’t* see through! (impishly) If you know what I mean.

Xandir: Ooh! Drugs?

Hero: Exactly…

Clara: (suddenly appearing out of nowhere, grabs the box) That’s ridiculous! Foxxy doesn’t do drugs! (She walks toward the stairs) I’m going to put this on her bed, just like she had asked us to! Even though (She stops and shakes the box) This IS weird, this box weighs nothing!

Wooldoor: (walking up to her) Maybe it’s candy!

Clara: No, candy would weigh something. (She shakes her head) It’s probably her lingerie. Underwear doesn’t weigh anything.

Xandir: (calling after her) But electric underwear does!

One by one, they follow Clara upstairs.


Cut to the girls’ bedroom. The box sits on Foxxy’s bed. Everyone is gathered around it, starring intently at it. Hero tries again with his X-ray vision, while Wooldoor, now in his doctor’s garb, holds a stethoscope against it.

Spanky: I bet it’s a prank. Or Foxxy’s just testing us. Or both. I’ll bet there’s *nothing* in there at all!

Ling-Ling: We open it, and wrap back up again! Chocolate animal woman never have to know!

Clara: (worried) Oh, please, she’ll *know* we’ve opened it! Come on, you guys, can’t we just leave it alone? What’s the big deal anyway?

Xandir: The big deal is that we are curious about it!

Clara: That’s just it! Look, Spanky’s right. She’s probably testing us.

They all sit quietly, staring at the box. Wooldoor continues to use his stethoscope. Suddenly he looks up.

Wooldoor: I think I heard something!

Spanky: What?

Wooldoor: I don’t know!

Toot: What if it’s Excludie trying to get back into the house? HE doesn’t weigh anything!

Hero: Look, I’ll open it. And if Foxxy gets mad…

Clara: She will-

Hero: Then I’LL take full responsibility, all right?

Clara: (pleadingly) Hero, please don’t. Look, Foxxy asked me to keep things in line here…

Hero: Oh, come on! Don’t you want to know what’s in there?

Clara: Well….

Hero: And it’s not like you can fight me either –

Hero quickly rips open the box. A puff of sparkling dust flows out and lands on him. He sneezes, once, twice. Dust continues to flow out, forming a cloud.

Xandir: Ooh! I knew it! It’s magic pixie dust!

Xandir grabs at it, and sneezes. Hero continues to sneeze, blowing the dust around the room…and one by one the others begin to sneeze.

Toot: (sneezes) Oh, for Christ’s sake! It’s sneezing powder!

Wooldoor: Sneezing powder!? Wheeeee (sneezes) eeeeeeeee!

Toot: I’m taking this outta here (she grabs the box) And Hero, you ARE taking full responsibility (she leaves the room, sneezing)

Hero: (sneezes) Damn, it *isn’t* magic pixie dust! (Sneezes again, and rubs his nose) I can still feel my face.

Clara: (starts handing out tissues) Let’s hope for your sake Foxxy doesn’t re-arrange it when she gets home! But….(sneezes) why would she do this to test us?

Xandir: Oh my God! What if it’s from a terrorist? What if it’s anthrax? Oh my God, oh my God! (sneezes) Oh my God!

Spanky: Holy crap! Wooldoor? Can you tell what it is?

Wooldoor examines the dust that has fallen on his hand with a magnifying glass. He then licks it off his finger.

Wooldoor: It’s not anthrax, guys. I…don’t know what it is.

Still sneezing, everyone look at each other in confusion. The scene fades.



The scene opens the following morning outside of the Drawn Together house. The rooster perched on the fence crows.

Cut to Spanky’s room. Spanky is sitting up in bed, stretching and yawning. He looks around the room and frowns at the piles of clothing, beer cans, pizza boxes, empty take-out containers, porn tapes and magazines.

Spanky: (lip curling in disgust) Good God, what a mess! (He looks down at himself, realizing he’s completely naked) What the hell?

Spanky gets out of the bed and walks to the dresser and opens it. He pulls out a pair of boxers, inspects them very carefully, and then puts them on. He pulls out a shirt, holds it up, and then sniffs it. He shakes his head and flings it aside. He pulls out another shirt and sniffs it, then puts it on. After carefully inspecting his pants, he pulls them on and looks at the mess again.

Spanky: Ugh, I’m gonna need some coffee first before I tackle this. (He slips on his shoes and leaves.)

Cut to Ling-Ling’s room. Ling-Ling is up and about, checking himself in the mirror. He is humming “Me and Bobbie McGee”. He pulls out a bandana, shakes it out and ties it tightly around his head, forcing his long ears to hang down his back. Then he grabs a pair of sunglasses and puts them on. Still humming, he makes his way downstairs, outside and out to the garden, where he checks the plants. After a moment he sighs in disappointment, and scratches his head. He perks up, whips off the bandana, wipes the secretion off of his head and licks it off his hand. He waits for a moment.

Ling-Ling: (sighing) Huh. That no work on Ling-Ling. That no fair.

Ling-Ling ties the bandana back on and runs inside. Spanky has the coffee brewing and he is busily washing the dishes.

Ling-Ling: (hops up onto the counter) What Honorable Pig Demon doing? That usually Ling-Ling’s job.

Spanky: Oh, don’t worry about it, Ling-Ling. I was up first, so I figured I would just do them.

Ling-Ling: (bowing) Ah, thank you Spanky-san. Make sure you use cold water when rinse. (He walks over to the sugar container that’s labeled “for household emergencies only” and opens it. He pulls out a few bills, hops off the counter and runs back outside.)


Cut to Wooldoor, Xandir and Hero’s bedroom. Wooldoor and Hero are still fast asleep. Xandir is up, dressed in the pajama bottoms he wore in Unrestrainable Trainable. He is checking himself in the mirror, frowning, trying to flatten his hair that keeps springing up back into place.

Xandir: (annoyed) What the hell…(He continues to pull his hair to make it stay down. Some of it brushes his nose) Ugh! Hairspray? (sniffs) I smell like a chick. (He walks over to the closet, opens it and takes out a hat like the one he wore in Lost in Parking Space II, and pulls it on his head, forcing some of his hair down to rest against his neck. Then he yanks off the pants and looks in the closet again, mutters something under his breath, and walks over to the dresser, and opens a drawer. He pulls out a pair of boxers, a red flannel shirt, and a pair of jeans and puts them on, then realizes the pants are a little big. He looks over at Hero.

Xandir: Um…Hero? Do you mind if I...?

Hero doesn’t stir. Xandir looks in the mirror. The shirt and the jeans are hanging rather loosely on him. He shrugs and walks out into the hall. He knocks on Spanky’s door. After a moment, he opens the door and looks in. His eyes open wide.

Xandir: Wow….

The camera cuts to one of the piles of porn magazines and tapes on the floor. Xandir walks in, picks up a magazine and sits down on the bed. As he eagerly looks through it, he begins to undo his pants.

Cut to the girls’ bedroom. We hear the hum of the vacuum cleaner from downstairs. Toot stirs, then wakes up, rubbing her eyes. She is wearing the black chiffon nightgown she wore in Clara’s Dirty Little Secret. Hearing the hum of vacuum cleaner change to a higher pitch, she opens her mouth to mutter something, but nothing comes out. Her eyes open wider in surprise and she tries to speak again, and still, no sound comes out.

Frightened, Toot hurries into the bathroom. She grabs a bottle of Listerine and gargles with it. She spits it out, and then tries to speak, but there’s still no sound. She looks fearfully at herself in the mirror, putting her hand over her throat area. She stands there for a moment, and then throws her head back, trying to scream. Still, no sound. She looks at her reflection again, and bites her lip. The vacuum cleaner stops, and the sound is replaced by fast-paced porn music, mingled with women moaning in ecstasy. Toot raises an eyebrow. She walks out into the hall, following the sounds. She sees that Spanky’s door is wide open. She rolls her eyes and reaches out to close the door, then freezes.

Cut to the interior of Spanky’s room. Xandir is sitting on Spanky’s bed, pleasuring himself as he intently watches a girl-on-girl porn flick on Spanky’s computer. He pants are down around his ankles.

Toot gasps and steps back in shock, putting her hands over her mouth. Xandir looks up, sees Toot, and his face lights up.

Xandir: Toot! Just the woman I want to see!

He jumps up to walk toward her, but he trips over his pants, falling flat on his face. Toot stares at him. She puts her hands over her mouth to suppress an inaudible giggle. Xandir angrily kicks his pants off, and stands up. He rushes over to Toot and pulls her in his arms.

Xandir: Oh, God, Toot! You…you look good enough to eat!

Xandir starts kissing her neck, and runs his hands up her arms. Toot continues to blink in surprise. Xandir moves to kiss her on the lips, Toot closes her eyes and begins kissing him back. Xandir suddenly grabs her shoulders and starts grinding up against her. Toot’s eyes snap open. She breaks off the kiss and pulls away.

Xandir: What’s wrong?

Toot shakes her head and looks away.

Xandir: (pulling her to him) Oh, come on…let’s do it, right here… (He pulls at her nightdress) I want you….right now

Toot pushes him away and shakes her head again. She is starting to look frightened again.

Xandir: Oh, come on, Toot! We’ve done it before! Only…I’m going to like this a whole lot better now! (He looks at her chest and smirks) I can do all kinds of things to you…

Xandir pulls at her nightdress again and leans to kiss her. Toot slaps him hard across the face.

Xandir: Ow! What the hell?

Toot turns and runs downstairs. Xandir follows her.

Cut to the Jew Producer’s office. The Jew Producer, now completely naked, is in a leather body harness suspended from the ceiling. Witch Hazel, also naked, sits astride him, her eyes fixed on the closed circuit TV. She grins and cackles evilly.

Witch Hazel: Oh…this is good….

Jew Producer: (oblivious to anything but her) Yes…oh yes…


Cut to the kitchen where Spanky is now mopping the floor. The rest of the kitchen is sparkling clean. Toot runs in, grabs a pen and a pad off the counter and starts writing.

Spanky: (looking up) Hey Toot…

Toot holds up a note that says “I can’t speak.”

Spanky: Why? What’s wrong?

Toot starts writing again. A still pant less Xandir comes up behind her, one hand on her shoulder, the other hand over his crotch.

Spanky: Xandir…why are you…?

Toot steps away from Xandir, and holds up another note. “My voice is gone. And Xandir is straight. And VERY horny.” She looks at Spanky who holding a mop and a sponge, and at Xandir who is now pleasuring himself again. She scribbles another note “Or you two have traded souls!”

Spanky: (bursts out laughing) Oh, good one! I…(stops laughing and looks at Xandir) Wow…

Xandir: Toot….I…don’t understand. I….thought you wanted me! How can you tease me like this? Unless….you’re just playing hard to get?

Toot writes and holds up another note that says “NO! Now put it away before I make you!”

Xandir: (moves closer to Toot, and takes his hands away from his crotch) Make me.

Toot slaps his face again. Xandir winces, then he grabs her shoulders.

Xandir: Go ahead, honey…keep hitting me! I deserve it for the way I’ve treated you all these years. (He pins her against the counter) Ooh, come on, I want to feel those little smooth white hands on my face…and then…

Toot’s fist smashes into Xandir’s face, knocking him over. He hits the floor, stunned, his nose bleeding.

Spanky: Holy crap!

Toot stands over Xandir, trembling, her hand still curled in a fist. Her eyes fill with tears.

Spanky: (looks at Xandir and then anxiously at Toot) Toot? Are you okay?

Toot shakes her head and scribbles another note. “I found him in your room, looking at your porn, playing with himself. Now I think he wants to rape me”

Spanky: Oh my God…I…(looks at Xandir) Hey, he’s bleeding on my nice clean floor! (He grabs some paper towels and kneels down by Xandir’s head) Jesus, Toot, I think you broke his nose! Hey, Wooldoor! Wooldoor! (no answer) Toot, go get Wooldoor.

Toot continues to looks down at Xandir.

Spanky: Toot? Did you hear me? Get Wooldoor! He’s really hurt!

Toot wipes her eyes, grabs the notepad and pen and runs out.

(To Be Continued)

[lorelei]

Part 2

Cut to Wooldoor, Xandir & Hero’s room. Toot rushes in and shakes Wooldoor awake.

Wooldoor: (yelling angrily) Hey! What’s the big idea? (Toot knees next to his bed and begins writing notes lighting fast for Wooldoor to read) Oh my God, you can’t talk? (He begins to cry) That’s terrible! Did Ling-Ling steal your voice this time? (He starts laughing through his tears) Wow, what did you do to piss him off? Wha- Xandir is straight? He’s forcing himself on you? (angry) He’s FORCING himself on you? (very angry) Why, that son of a bitch! I’ll kick his ass! I’ll (surprised) you broke his nose? Really? (He starts laughing and whopping it up) Wheeeee! Well, high five there, sister! You…want me to look at him? (angry) I don’t want to see his ugly face after what he tried to do to MY girl! (He quickly kisses Toot on the cheek) Muah! Okay…why…why are you looking at me like that….Toot, don’t be mad….I (he starts crying again) I’m sorry! (He suddenly turns to Hero) And how in the HELL is sleeping through all this?

Wooldoor bounces out of bed and hops on to Hero’s bed.

Wooldoor: (excited and happy again, he starts jumping up and down) Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get….Hero? (Hero doesn’t stir) Hero? (Wooldoor starts shaking him. Toot comes over to the bed. Wooldoor starts crying again) He won’t wake up! Or…he’s just playing dead (angry) Well, it’s NOT FUNNY Hero! (He slaps his face hard)

Hero groans and rolls over, clutching the blankets.

Wooldoor: Fine! Be that way! (He turns away and starts bawling)

Toot looks at Wooldoor strangely. Then she places her hand on Hero’s forehead, then gasps and pulls her hand away.

Hero: (shivering) I’m…so cold!

Toot rushes over to Xandir’s bed and grabs a blanket off of it. She covers Hero with it, and feels his forehead again.

Hero: (whimpers) Please don’t do that…I’m so cold! And…I hurt…everywhere….my God, I feel like crap…

Toot grabs her notepad, scribbles a note and holds it up “Something weird has happened to all of us. I can’t speak, Xandir is straight, Spanky is cleaning the house, Wooldoor is EXTRA emotional” Hero reads in puzzlement, Toot scribbles another page “And I think you have a bad case of the flu, which is weird because I thought super heroes don’t
get sick.”

Toot: (in confessional) (Holds up a note): “Gee, what was I saying before about Spanky and his stupid catchphrase? We’re REALLY screwed this time!”

Hero: (confused) The flu? That’s ridiculous! But…(he moves his arms under the blanket gingerly and winces) I’ve never felt so weak…what did we all eat for dinner last night?

Toot scribbles: I don’t think it’s anything you ate. I think it came from the box with the sneezing powder.

Hero: Are you sure?

Toot scribbling: We had leftovers for dinner. It has to be from that stupid empty box with the ‘magic pixie dust’.

Hero: That box that….I opened…(realizing) and I said I would take full responsibility for. I said that, didn’t I?

Toot looks at him sadly.

Hero: (shivering again) This is all my fault then! …(his eyes well up) …I never felt so awful in my entire life

Toot puts her hand on his shoulder. Then scribbles: We’ll figure something out.

Hero: (shivering violently) I’m… scared, Toot. I’m…not used to this.

Toot gets up and goes over to Wooldoor who is now crying in his hands. She taps his shoulder and makes him read: “Hero is very sick, he has a fever. Please give him some medicine or a clum baby.”

Wooldoor: (crying) Is…is…he dying?


Cut to the girls’ room. Clara is waking up. Hearing the faint sounds of Wooldoor sobbing, she sits up with a start.

Clara: Oh no! Why is Wooldoor crying?

Clara scrambles to get out of bed – and flops face down on the floor.

Clara: What the- (using her hands to push herself up, she looks down at her lower half, and sees she’s completely tangled up with the blankets that are now half-off the bed. Groaning in exasperation, she pulls the blankets off of her – to reveal that her legs are gone, and in their place is a fish tail that looks a lot like Ariel’s. She screams.

Cut to the kitchen where Spanky is trying to revive Xandir. At the sound of Clara’s scream, he jumps up and runs upstairs, almost colliding with Toot and Wooldoor at the threshold of the girls’ room.

Clara continues to scream. Spanky and Wooldoor freeze, taking in the sight. Toot rushes to Clara’s side, kneels down and very lightly slaps her face. Clara immediately stops screaming and looks at Toot in horror. She looks down at her fish tail again and suddenly collapses against Toot in a faint. Toot holds her and looks up at Wooldoor and Spanky. Wooldoor begins to cry again; Spanky sits down on the floor and puts his head in his hands. The scene fades.

The scene opens in the kitchen, sometime later. Toot is busily preparing two trays of food. Xandir sits quietly at the counter, holding an ice bag to his nose, watching Toot’s every move. Spanky is shaking his head at Ling-Ling, who is now wearing a bright green caftan and holding a fancy water pipe that’s almost as big as he is.

Spanky: No way, dude, you are NOT lighting up in here!

Ling-Ling: A little smoke never bothered pig demon before!

Spanky: Well, it bothers me now, and we have a few sick people in the house!

Ling-Ling: (angry) We ALWAYS have sick people in house!

Spanky: I know…but I mean physically…(looks over at Xandir who is still gazing at Toot) and even MORE so, mentally. Now take your stuff and go outside.

Ling-Ling: (sighs) Fine. (He picks up the water pipe and waddles away with it, muttering under his breath) Stupid uptight pig have big, long cactus up butt.

Spanky: (reaches for one of the trays) Here…I’ll take this up to Hero.

Toot hands Spanky the tray and he leaves. Toot turns back to the other tray. She adds some cookies, brownies, a cheese Danish…then she looks around. She opens one of the cabinets, grabs a bottle of Captain Morgan, a couple of shot glasses and sets them on the tray.

Xandir: (sadly) I wish you could say something.

Toot scribbles a note: Something.

Xandir: You have every right to be mad.

Toot scribbles another note: Don’t you get it? We are all under an evil spell from that stupid box we opened. You want a woman so badly that you coming on to ME.

Xandir: But…I love you, Toot.

Toot: (in confessional) (Frowning, she holds up a note): “You’re probably all wondering why I am not throwing myself at him, or egging him on, or all swoony, right?” (Her expression becomes sad, and she scribbles another note) “Well, it could be that I just don’t think of him that way anymore. And the Xandir I had a crush on was gentle” (she bows her head and scribbles) “even when I wasn’t.”

Toot scribbles: You aren’t yourself, Xandir. You’re crazy with this newfound lust for females you can’t wait to fulfill. I’ll bet you NEVER slept with your girlfriend when you thought you were straight. But now that you are, I strongly suggest you go get yourself a whore and get it out of your system!

Xandir: (indignant) I know what I am, Toot! I am in my right mind.

Toot scribbles: No you’re not.

Xandir: I am too!

Toot holds up the note: No you’re not.

Xandir: I am too!

Toot shoves the note in his face.

Xandir: (taking the note and crumpling it up) I know that I love you. Can I help it…if I just want to feel you up against me? (He reaches for her hand)

Toot smacks his hand, and scribbles: KNOCK IT OFF.

Xandir: I can’t. (pleadingly) Please, can’t you pretend for a few minutes that we’re back at your fat camp?

Toot glares at him, and then thinks for a moment. She turns away and scribbles something on a fresh piece of paper. Xandir waits eagerly. Toot stops, chews on her pen for a moment, and continues to write. Xandir puts his head down on the counter and whimpers. Toot continues to write. She whips around and looks at Xandir. Xandir looks up, hopefully.

Toot slowly brings her hand up to show him the note that says “NO!” in a large, elaborate calligraphy print.

Xandir: (whimpering) Please Toot…

Toot scribbles: Go take a nice cold shower.

Toot takes her tray and heads upstairs. She hears Spanky and Wooldoor arguing loudly from down the hall. She shakes her head and quickly heads into the girls’ room. Xandir follows her, and tries to enter the room, but Toot slams the door in his face and then locks it.

Xandir: (knocking on the door) Toot, please, let’s talk about this! Please! (pause) Okay I know you can’t talk, but….(threateningly) I’m going to wait right here until you open the door! (silence)

After a moment, Xandir sinks to the floor in despair.

Cut to the guys’ room. The room is crawling with clum babies. Wooldoor is standing over Hero, and one by one, he lets them absorb themselves on to Hero’s inert body.

Spanky: Wooldoor, do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? Besides, it’s not working!

Wooldoor: You have any better ideas? (to Hero) Come on, Hero…

Spanky: Look, maybe he just needs to sleep.

Wooldoor: (upset) Maybe I can only help mortals, Spanky! Maybe…this is completely beyond my grasp!

Spanky: Fine choice of words there, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: And I can’t do ANYTHING for Clara! (He breaks down crying again)

Spanky: Look, Wooldoor….once we find a way to break this spell, this will all go away. (He puts his hand on Wooldoor’s shoulder) Why don’t you go outside and check out the new toy Ling-Ling has?

Wooldoor: (stops crying) He has a new toy?

Spanky: Yeah…I think you’ll like it. You go on…I’ll (looks around the room) straighten up.

Wooldoor happily dashes out of the room. Spanky gathers up all the clum babies, his brow wrinkled in disgust, and puts them in a basket. He straightens the blankets on Hero’s bed, and feels Hero’s forehead. He shakes his head, and leaves, taking the tray of untouched food with him.

Cut to the girls’ room. Clara is sitting up in her bed, distraught and frantically trying to call someone on her cell phone. The blankets are covering her lower half. Toot sits on Foxxy’s bed, still wearing her nightdress, drinking from the bottle of Captain Morgan. The tray of food sits on Clara’s night table.

Clara: I can’t get through to Father or my stepmother!

Toot holds up a note: Did you try the Jew Producer?

Clara: I can’t get through to him either! I even tried Foxxy! What are we going to do, Toot?

Toot scribbles: I don’t know. If only we knew that box came from.

Clara: That box…that we had no business opening in the FIRST place!

Toot pours a shot of Captain Morgan and hands it to her.

Clara: (waves it away) No, thank you. (She turns away)

Toot shrugs and drinks the shot. She pours herself another.

Clara: (looks up at Toot again) Why do you drink that stuff anyway?

Toot scribbles: It makes me feel better. And it might make you feel better.

Clara: (angry) Nothing will make me feel better. (She yanks back the covers) Look at me! I thought having the Octopussoir was bad enough, but this? Oh, for God’s sake – look, I’m shedding!

Toot stands up to get a better look at Clara’s fish tail. Clara suddenly looks at Toot worriedly.

Clara: Toot…how did you rip your nightgown?

Toot looks down at herself and sees the tear and gasps. She angrily slams the bottle down on the table and storms over to the door. She opens it and we see her throw a mighty kick.

Xandir: (from off-screen) Owwww!

Clara: (wincing) Toot! What the…?

Toot slams the door again.

Clara: Why did you do that?

Toot grabs the notepad and scribbles: He came on to me and he ripped my dress!

Clara: Oh my! Not only is he straight, he’s gone wild!

Toot scribbles: He wants a woman in the worst way.

Clara: But…didn’t he say he loved you?

Toot stares at herself in the mirror. After a moment she walks over to the closet and pulls her trademark black dress out. She thinks for a moment, then flings it aside and looks for something else.

Clara: Didn’t he, Toot?

Toot rolls her eyes and nods.

Clara: But….isn’t that…what you wanted?

Toot scribbles: I don’t think of him like that anymore!

Clara: Oh…

Toot goes back to the closet and pulls out a bright red silk robe. She puts it on.

Clara: Wow…if he sees you in THAT, he’ll go crazy!

Toot thinks for a moment; then locks the door.

Clara: Well…at least YOU have the option of getting dressed. (she looks down at herself) I don’t know what I could possibly wear over this…thing.

Toot looks at Clara for a moment, then walks over to another closet and opens it. She pulls out a fancy white and light blue ball gown, closely resembling Cinderella’s gown, and holds it up.

Clara: (waving it away) Oh, that. I only wear that for parties…

The scene fades…and then opens to sometime later. Toot and Clara are lounging on Clara’s bed happily playing quarters on the now empty food tray. Clara is now wearing the ball gown which completely covers her fish tail, fins and all. Toot is lying on her stomach with her feet kicked up behind her; her toes in pedicure-toe separators and toenails painted bright red. Clara is drinking a wine cooler, Toot is still drinking Captain Morgan’s, directly from the bottle.

Clara: (happily, her voice slurring a little) You know…I *do* feel a lot better now. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but with the rotten luck we’ve had, maybe God will let this one go.

Toot scribbles: Maybe we will wake up tomorrow changed back to our true selves…and this will all be like a bad dream. In the meantime (she takes another swig from the bottle)

Clara: (lowers her voice) You know…I still think you should take the opportunity to drive him even more insane especially after the way he has treated you. That’s a really great color on you!

Toot smiles and shrugs her shoulders.

Clara: You should wear it more often, and…you could have any man you want!

Toot scribbles: I’d like someone who treats me like a lady! And someone who isn’t, like, Oh my God, like SO last year. (Clara laughs)

Xandir: (from off-screen, through the door) Are you guys talking about me?

Clara: (still laughing) Nooooo, we’re talking about Toot!

Toot rolls over and lies back on the bed, stretching like a contended cat.

Xandir: (from off-screen) What are you guys doing in there anyway?

Clara: We’re playing dress up! Mmmm-mmm, you should see how hot she looks!

Toot reaches up and puts her hand over Clara’s mouth. Clara reaches out tickles her underarm. Toot jumps, takes her hand away from her mouth and tickles her sides with both hands. Clara squeals and starts tickling her back. Suddenly, she stops.

Clara: Okay, um….we don’t want to give anyone any ideas, do we?

Toot picks up a pillow and hits her with her. Clara grabs a pillow and starts hitting her back.

Cut to outside the door where Xandir is sitting, looking like he is pain. As he listens to the sounds of giggling and a good pillow fight under way, he closes his eyes begins to pleasure himself again.

The scene fades.

Cut back to the girls’ bedroom. Toot and Clara are now watching a movie on a laptop. We don’t see what they are watching, but we hear a score that could be from 300. Toot points at the screen with her pen inquiringly, and Clara rubs her chin thoughtfully.

Clara: No…no…no…mmm, maybe....no....no....uh-uh....no....no....I don’t think so…no…no…ooh, I like that one!...(Toot scribbles in her notepad) ....no...no…oh, God no!...no....no….Oh my!

There is a knock at the door. Toot gets up and walks over to it, but hesitates.

Spanky: (from off-screen) Guys, it’s Spanky.

Toot unlocks and opens the door, to show Spanky standing there, and we also see Xandir curled up on the floor, fast asleep.

Spanky: I need to run to the store. You guys need anything?

Toot thinks for a moment, then goes back over the bed and picks up the bottle of Captain Morgan and waves it at him.

Spanky: Ooookay. Anything else? (Both girls shrug and shake their heads) Okay. Listen, Toot, could you check on Hero while I’m gone?

Toot nods. Spanky looks down at Xandir.

Spanky: Wow…he’s got it bad for you. (He prods Xandir with his foot. Xandir rolls over to show that he is still only wearing the flannel shirt and nothing else. Spanky shakes his head and hurries back to the guys’ room and returns with a pair of pants. He tosses them on Xandir’s sleeping body.) Yeah, you guys might want to keep this door locked.

Toot nods and closes the door and locks it.

Spanky heads downstairs and out to the patio. Ling-Ling and Wooldoor are sitting in the lounge chairs passing the water pipe back and forth. There is a boom box next to them playing Bob Marley.

Wooldoor: (flatly) You know…I *do* feel a lot better now. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but with the crappy luck we’ve had…

Spanky: Hey, Wooldoor? I’m glad to hear that, but you might want to go easy on that stuff.

Wooldoor: Yeah…sure, Spanky, whatever you say.

Ling-Ling: Sockbat more stabilized now, honorable pig demon. No more crying.

Wooldoor: (flatly) Yeah. (he takes another hit) What’s there to cry about?

Spanky: Well…okay then. I’m heading to the store. Don’t leave a mess and don’t eat all the food in the kitchen. All right?

Ling-Ling: No problem, honorable pig demon…(sings along with the music) “…Is this rove, is this rove, that I feering…”

Wooldoor: And wooooove…twooo wove…

Wooldoor and Ling-Ling look at each other and collapse into giggles.

Cut to sometime later. The sun has set and the crickets are chirping. Spanky returns with bags of cleaning supplies, a new vacuum cleaner, a mop, and a case of paper towels. Ling-Ling and Wooldoor are sleeping peacefully on the lounge chairs, with their hands resting on their rather full tummies, surrounded by dirty dishes and empty beer bottles.

Spanky: Aw, man! (He goes into the kitchen to find the place a mess and the cupboards are nearly bare.) Goddamn it! Now I have to run to the store again. (He leaves.)


The scene opens to sometime later that night in girls’ room. Toot and Clara are now sprawled out Clara’s bed, sleeping peacefully. Toot wakes up and looks at the clock. She gets up, grabs her pen and pad, tip toes over to the door and opens it. Xandir is still curled up by the threshold, fast asleep with the pants lying on top of him. Toot rolls her eyes and heads down the hall to Hero’s room and peeks in. Hero is sleeping peacefully, curled up on his side under a bundle of blankets. Toot walks over to Hero’s bed, kneels down and feels his forehead. Hero stirs and opens his eyes.

Hero: Toot?

Toot scribbles: How do you feel?

Hero: You really can’t speak, huh?

Toot shakes her head and waves the note at him.

Hero: (groans) I still feel like crap. (He bundles the blankets around him)

Toot scribbles: Can I get you anything? Some juice?

Hero: Yeah…I’d like that…(he drifts off again)

She shakes her head sadly and leaves the room, heading downstairs, causing a floorboard to creak. Xandir stirs and wakes up. He sees that the girls’ bedroom door is now open. He gets up and goes inside.

Cut to downstairs. Toot takes in the sparkling clean kitchen and living room. Spanky is fast asleep on the couch. The TV is on showing a marathon of infomercials about cleaning products.

Toot takes a carton of orange juice out of the fridge and pours a glass for Hero. She hears a noise coming from the patio. She looks outside to see Ling-Ling and Wooldoor, awake again, passing the water pipe back and forth. Toot sighs, glances back at Spanky, puts the glass of juice down and steps outside.

Wooldoor: Hey Toot.

Toot waves her hand feebly at them.

Wooldoor: Want a hit?

Toot nods. She sits down next to them. Ling-Ling pushes the water pipe closer to her and prepares to light it. Toot places her mouth over the pipe and closes her eyes.

Clara: (from off-screen, yelling) NO! GET OFF ME!

Toot’s eyes snap open. She jumps up and runs inside and up the stairs in a panic.

She throws open the door – to see Xandir curled up on the floor, moaning in pain with his hands over his crotch. Clara is on the bed, pale and trembling, and angrily pulling her dress over her fins. Toot takes in the sight, her hands curling into fists. Suddenly she jumps on top of Xandir and begins pummeling him.

Clara: (horrified) Toot! Stop!

Clara pushes herself off the bed, landing on the floor next to Toot and Xandir. She grabs Toot and yanks her off of Xandir. Toot struggles angrily.

Clara: You’re going to kill him! Calm down! (Toot stops struggling) You know he’s not in his right mind, you said so yourself! And look – (she lets go of Toot and pulls up her skirt, raises her fins and slaps the floor, then uses them to expertly picks up the empty bottle of Captain Morgan) I actually have more control of this thing than I thought I did – and it’s pretty strong! I was able to reach up, pull him off of me, and I got him real good between the legs! (She looks at her fins) Ugh, of course that means I touched it.

Toot looks over at Xandir, who is once again unconscious. His nose is bleeding again and his face is beginning to swell up.

Clara: (concerned) I think you’re going to need to get some ice and some rubbing alcohol for his face, Toot. And….when you’re done with that (she puts her hand to her throat and tries to take a deep breath) you think you could find some way to get me down to the pool? I’m having some trouble breathing…and…given my newfound condition, I think… I think I need to be in the water!

Cut to the outside pool area. The back door swings open; Spanky and Toot carry Clara over to the pool.

Spanky: (hesitating) Are you sure about this? You’re going to ruin your dress!

Clara: (now struggling to breathe) I don’t care - just get me in the water!

They lower her in. Clara submerges and starts swimming around underwater.

Ling-Ling: (starring) Wow….Ling-Ling see everything now! (He takes another hit off the water pipe)

Spanky: Haven’t we all…

Clara: (resurfacing) Thanks guys! (She floats contentedly on her back, her dress spreading out around her.)

Spanky: Clara, if that dress is silk, it’s totally ruined!

Clara: God, Spanky, Toot was right, it’s like you’ve turned into Xandir! And he’s turned into…

Spanky looks at her in shock, then looks away.

Clara: Spanky, I didn’t mean that…

Spanky: (sighs) It’s okay, Clara. Come to think of it…if *I* were 19 years old with a sex drive like HIS, and I suddenly had YEARS of pent-up urges for females…think about it, he’s worse than Wooldoor was when he hit puberty!

Toot scribbles a note: Let’s get him a whore!

(To Be Continued)

[lorelei]

Part 3


The scene opens at poolside on the next day. Clara, still in her ball gown, is sitting in the hot tub, holding a book with one hand and a ball of yarn in the other. Ling-Ling and Wooldoor are sitting next to her, using the yarn she is holding for macramé. Spanky is cleaning the pool with the underwater vacuum. Toot walks out carrying a huge tray of cakes and pies; Wooldoor and Ling-Ling put the macramé down, jump up and each take a few slices of cake, and start eating nosily. Just as Toot is about to offer one to Clara, the door swings open and out walks a woman with short brown hair, a sour expression and a slight limp, angrily stuffing some money down her front. A completely naked Xandir is right at her heels.

Xandir: (pleadingly) Please! Can’t I get one for the road? I’ll…I’ll give you a massage.

Woman: Look, buddy, I have another client in 15 minutes who’s paying me three times my normal rate. So unless you can beat that, I’m outta here.

Xandir: (turning to the others) Guys? Can you spot me a few bucks? (Toot and Clara glare at him) Please? I’ll…make it up to you (He glances up to see that the woman is gone, and begins to whimper)

Toot scribbles: For God’s sake, put some clothes on!

Xandir: (sulkily) No. (He then sees the cakes and pies. His face lights up) Hmmm…like warm apple pie….

Xandir grabs one of the apple pies, runs over to one of the lounge chairs and places the pie on the chair. He starts to position himself over it.

Spanky: Oh, you are NOT doing that on my nice clean patio! (Xandir begins to have his way with the pie) Aw, MAN!

Spanky storms over to Xandir, but Toot beats him to it. She slaps him hard across the face. Xandir looks at her in surprise.

Toot holds up a note: If you EVER try to violate me, Clara OR my food I will never speak to you again!

Xandir: (folding his arms) You aren’t speaking to me anyway.

Toot scribbles: Don’t make me have to kill you.

Xandir: (whining) You’re doing that anyway by constantly refusing me.

Toot reaches up, grabs his ear and drags him into the house.

Spanky: Wow, someone is about to get their ass beat. Only…I think he’ll take that at this point. (He picks up the mangled pie with a look of disgust) Gross!

Wooldoor: (flatly) I have never seen him so out of control. (He finishes his cake and reaches for the water pipe)

Clara: I really wish you wouldn’t do that, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: (angrily) Watch me! (He continues filling the water pipe.)

Ling-Ling: Princess not understand. It keep him calm. It good for him.

Clara: How can that be good for him?

Ling-Ling: Princess need to be in water to breathe normal, right? It….sort of same thing.

Clara: Oh. (She looks at Wooldoor sadly as he reaches for the lighter.)

Spanky dumps the pie in the garbage and wipes his hands on a towel. He walks over to Clara, Ling-Ling and Wooldoor and puts his hands on his hips.

Spanky: (frowning) You know, Clara, you really need to get out of that dress.

Clara: (gasps) Spanky Ham, I will do no such thing! You can ask a hundred times and I…wait, what did you say?

Spanky: (impatiently) I said “you need to get out of that dress”

Clara: (excited) That’s what I thought you said! Oh Spanky! (She puts the book down and touches his arm) You…sound like Spanky again! Maybe the spell is starting to wear off! (She flaps her fins vigorously under the water, under the skirt, making it spread out more in the water) Soon I’ll have my legs back! I can feel it!

Spanky: Oh, for God’s sake! (He leans over and quickly pulls part of the skirt out of the one of the hot tub filters) Ugh! You’re going to clog the filter with this…mess! I’m saying you should take your dress off and change into something else! That dress is ruined! And…it smells awful!

Clara: What?!?

Spanky: Really, you stink! That fabric and water – ugh! Now I’m gonna have to put extra chlorine in there!

Clara: (getting upset) You’re saying that I…smell?

Spanky: Helloooo? I think there’s a fungus among us!

Clara stares at him in shock. Ling-Ling and Wooldoor look at each other. Suddenly they burst out laughing.

Wooldoor: (taunting) Fungus among us, fungus among us!

Clara: (upset) It’s not funny!

Wooldoor: Fungus among us, among us, among us, among us…

Clara throws the ball of yarn down and turns away, covering her face.

Wooldoor: Among us, among us…hey, these words have just lost all meaning! Among us, among us.

Spanky: (smacks Wooldoor) Knock it off; you’re making her cry!

Wooldoor: (smacks Spanky back) You started it!

Clara: (tearfully) Will you two just stop? And that was totally uncalled for, Spanky!

Spanky: (suddenly uncomfortable) I’m…sorry.

Clara wipes her eyes. Spanky fidgets awkwardly, then he turns on his heel and walks quickly into the house. Clara looks after him in surprise; then she looks at Wooldoor and Ling-Ling.

Wooldoor: (remorsefully) I’m sorry too, Clara.

Ling-Ling: (filling the water pipe and pushing it closer to her) Here. It also good for Princess.

Clara shuts her eyes and shakes her head. She pushes herself away from the edge of the hot tub, swims all the way to other side of the pool and submerges.

Wooldoor: Oh well…more for us then. Here, I’ll smoke that.


Cut to Hero’s room. Xandir is sitting on his bed, sulking, and looking through some magazines. He is now fully dressed in the flannel shirt and jeans again. Toot is feeding Hero some chicken soup. He finishes the bowl, then rolls over and goes to sleep.

Toot walks over to Xandir and holds up a note: I want you to make yourself USEFUL around here and watch him. Make sure he stays warm.

Xandir: And what will you do for me in return?

Toot: (rolls her eyes and scribbles) I don’t know…I’ll let you hold my hand.

Xandir: Okay!

Toot scribbles: and if you need help, just get me or Spanky.

Xandir: I’ll…get you.

Toot shakes her head and leaves. She heads down to the kitchen – to see Spanky scrubbing the pots and pans frantically. There is an enormous stack of pots, pans and dishes in the sink, covered with suds.

She scribbles a note: I’m not done cooking!

Spanky: Well, it sure looked like you were done! Did you have to leave such a mess?

Toot scribbles: Kiss my grits, Spanky! I’m the only one doing all the cooking around here!

Spanky: And I’m the only one doing all the cleaning around here!

Toot scribbles: I’m only going to dirty them again when I make dinner and more soup for Hero!

Spanky: (sighs in exasperation) Which means I’ll have to clean them all over again! Did you HAVE to use every single pot and pan that’s here?

Toot storms outside. Wooldoor is now agitated, biting his nails, while Ling-Ling carefully inspects the water pipe.

Ling-Ling: We out of stash.

Wooldoor: (in a panic) We can’t be out!

Ling-Ling: Chirr man. Ling-Ling go get more.

Wooldoor: Can…can I come too?

Ling-Ling: No, Sockbat stay home, he make too much fuss, where Ling-Ling stay cool. Ling-Ling be right back. (he leaves)

Wooldoor: (upset) I need to have something! (to Toot) Is…there any more cake?

Toot sighs and shakes her head.

Wooldoor: But you….you’ll make some more, right?

Clara: (calling from the other side of the pool) Toot?

Wooldoor: (pleadingly) You’ll make some more cake soon, right Toot? With the marshmallow, peanut butter, chocolate chip and pickles?

Toot gives Wooldoor a quick nod and walks around to the other side of the pool.

Clara: Would you please bring me one my tank tops and help me change out of this thing? (She pulls the wet folds of her dress of the water)

Toot nods.

Clara: And perhaps a bucket of water and some soap? And my shampoo and conditioner? Apparently… I…(her lip trembles) I need it pretty bad.

Toot nods again. She goes back into the house and upstairs. She is about to enter the girls room when she hears Xandir moaning loudly from the guys’ room. Alarmed, she rushes into the room - to find Hero lying on the bed, with the covers off, shivering and unaware that he is wearing a wig, a bra that’s been stuffed with socks, a garter belt and stockings. Xandir, once again naked, is rubbing himself up against Hero’s chest, squeezing the padded bra with one hand and pleasuring himself with the other.

Toot slaps her hands to either side of her face, her mouth drops open in a silent scream. Suddenly Xandir sees her.

Xandir: Come on…Toot….you said I could hold your hand.

Toot storms over to Xandir, grabs him by the ear and drags him off of Hero.

Xandir: Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait…I’m not done yet! Ow!

Toot drags Xandir out into the hall and over to the linen closet. She opens the door, reaches for something off the shelf and holds it up to Xandir. It’s a novelty soap shaped like a donut. She shoves Xandir in the closest, throwing the donut soap in there after him and slams the door. She then pushes a small bookcase in front of the closet.

Xandir: (from inside the closet) Toot! Let me out! What’s the big idea locking me up in here with this…this…oh….(contentedly) ohhh, nice.

Toot walks back to the guys’ room. Hero is now groping for the covers, shivering violently. Toot goes to him and pulls the blankets over him again. Hero grabs Toot and holds her to him in a spooning position. Toot struggles.

Hero: I can’t get warm! Please…stay with me!

Toot stops struggling and lets Hero clasp his arms around her. After a moment, Hero stops shivering, but continues to hold her. Toot lays there for a moment. Hero settles down and drifts off to sleep. Toot carefully wriggles herself loose and turns around to face Hero. She carefully takes off the sock padded bra and the wig. She grabs her pen and pad and scribbles in big letters: WE NEED HELP, JEW PRODUCER! PLEASE SEND US SOME HELP. Hero starts to moan and shiver again. Toot lies back down and Hero puts his arms around her again, holding her to him. Toot looks pleadingly at the camera.

The camera pans back, and we see this happening on a closed circuit TV of the Jew Producers’ office. He is still in the body harness, but is now bound and gagged. Witch Hazel, wearing a pink robe, is on the phone.

Voice on phone: Thank you for calling Wicked U. Due to the unusually high call volume, your call will be answered in the order it was received. Your call is very important to us. Thank you for you patience.

Witch Hazel: Ugh, they’ve been saying that all day!


Cut back to the Drawn Together house on the following morning. Spanky lugs the full bin of glass beer bottles outside. Wooldoor is tapping his foot and glancing at his watch.

Wooldoor: What the hell is taking Ling-Ling so long? He’s been gone all night! (He starts pacing, then after a minute he sits down and picks up the water pipe. He takes it apart and begins to clean out the residue)

Spanky: (walking over to Wooldoor threateningly) Would you quit doing that? You’re making a mess again!

Wooldoor: (holding the water pipe to him) Back off, Spanky. I need to make a mess before I clean it!

Spanky: I could clean it for you. (Wooldoor clutches it and hisses)

A sleep-deprived Toot walks outside and looks at them questioningly.

Wooldoor: (whining) Toot, Spanky won’t leave me alone and I thought you said you were going to make some more cake!

Spanky: I’m just trying to keep the place clean around here! And you guys certainly aren’t helping matters (He sees Clara swimming over to them) and her too!

Clara: Well, it’s not like I can do anything about it! At least until Toot brings me some soap and shampoo like I had asked her too! (looks at Toot angrily) Where have you been?

Spanky: You are NOT using soap and shampoo in the pool.

Clara: Well, where ELSE am I supposed to get clean? I have to stay in the water, Spanky!

Spanky: All that stuff is going to clog the filters.

Clara: It was YOUR idea that I get clean in the first place!

Wooldoor: Yeah! Fungus among us. Among us among us among us – awwww, it’s not as funny without my smoke!

Clara: It’s not funny at all! So just shut up already!

Wooldoor looks at her in shock then suddenly starts bawling.

Spanky: NOW look what you’ve done!

Clara: (shaking her head) Wow…and to think, this used to turn you on, Spanky!

Spanky: (folding his arms) Oh, and have we decided to be mean again this week?

Clara: If YOU suddenly didn’t have legs anymore you’d be feeling pretty mean too!

Suddenly the sound of glass breaking startles them. Wooldoor stops crying. They all look up to see that Toot is taking the glass bottles from the recycling bin and smashing them against the side of the house, one by one.

Spanky: (wailing) Oh, for the love of God!

He starts to walk angrily over to Toot. Clara suddenly pushes herself halfway up out of the water. Using her fins, she launches herself from the pool and tackles Spanky.

Spanky: Ow! Ew! Get off me!

Clara: (holding him firmly) Leave her alone, Spanky.

Spanky: (struggling) Now this is BEYOND mean! Look at this mess she is making!

Clara: (calmly) Just leave her alone. And you won’t get hurt. (she looks at Toot) Can’t blame her though. We’ve been such assholes to her.

Spanky: Goddammit, woman! (he struggles harder)

Clara: (easily pinning him down) What’s the matter, Spanky? I thought you kind of liked me on top of you.

Spanky: Not like this! Thanks to you, now I’m all slimy and gross and -

Clara puts her hand over his mouth to shut him up. Spanky continues to struggle angrily. The camera pans back. Toot, completely unaware of Clara and Spanky, continues to smash every bottle left in the bin. Finally she stops. Breathing heavily, she sits down by the pile of broken glass, tears rolling down her cheeks. Clara lets Spanky go and he runs into the house wailing.

Wooldoor: (sniffling) Do you hate me, Clara?

Clara: (sadly) No, Wooldoor…I…I’m just not happy with ANY of us right now.

Toot picks up a shard of glass and begins to cut her leg. Clara drags herself over to Toot and grabs her arm.

Clara: I really wish you wouldn’t do that, Toot.

Toot looks up at her and looks back down at her leg. Clara tightens her grip on her arm. After a moment, Toot drops the piece of glass and buries her face in her hands. Clara moves closer to her and hugs her.

Ling-Ling: (entering with a huge bag of bright green herb) Oh, now that more like it! Nice to see roving here! (He walks up to the girls, and puts the bag down. Extending his tiny arms, he hugs Toot and Clara) Sockbat, come join group hug!

Wooldoor reluctantly gets up and walks over to them. Clara puts her arm around Wooldoor as well.

Ling-Ling: (clears his throat and begins to sing) Kum ba yaaaaa, my rord! Kum ba yaaaaa! (in normal voice) Come on, you know words!

Clara and Wooldoor: (tentatively at first, then gaining volume, they join Ling-Ling) Kum ba yaaaa, my Lord, Kum ba yaaa…Kum ba yaaaa, my Lord, Kum ba yaaaa….

After a moment Toot raises her head and gives each of them a very strange look. They continue to sing. With their arms around each other and encircling Toot, they begin to sway in time with the song. Toot sighs and rolls her eyes, and makes a gagging motion with her forefinger.

Foxxy’s voice: (from off-screen) Oh, Lawd, Kum ba yaaaaaa….!

They stop singing and perk up. Foxxy enters carrying her two bags.

Clara: Foxxy!

Foxxy: Hey, ya’ll!

Ling-Ling runs up to Foxxy and hugs her legs.

Foxxy: The Foxxy is back a little early, ya’ll! Awww, hey there, Ling-Ling! I love that song and - what the hell? (She looks at the mess of broken glass, then sees Clara in her dripping wet ball gown, her fins barely visible.) Grrrl, what in the world happened to you?

Clara: Thank God you’re home! I tried to call you! (suddenly angry) And why did you shut your phone off?

Foxxy: Clara, it was YOU who done told me to not answer ma phone in the middle of sex!

Clara: Oh.

Foxxy: So I shut it off sos I wouldn’t be tempted! (she puts her hands on her hips) Now why is you going swimming in one of yo best dresses?

Clara: Well…(she looks at Toot) Toot and I were kind of playing dress up, and…I couldn’t breathe because of…well, this! (She pulls up the folds of her dress, exposing her the fish tail)

Foxxy: Oh Lordy! (She quickly turns away, with her hands over her mouth)

Clara: (bitterly) Great. Once again, I’m a vomit inducing aquatic freak!

Foxxy: (recovering) It’s…it’s okay. (She forces herself to look at Clara again) Really…(swallowing hard) it ain’t no worse than the Octopussoir, and…

Clara: This is FAR worse than the Octopussoir! My legs are gone! (She bursts into tears, and buries her face in her hands)

Spanky: (entering with a dustpan and broom) Oh, hey Foxxy. Welcome home. (He looks at Clara sadly, shrugs, and then starts to sweep up the glass)

Foxxy looks at Spanky, then at Clara, and back at Spanky in horror.

Foxxy: I…I think I needs to sit down (she does so, on the patio, still in shock. Ling-Ling walks up to her, and puts his hand on her arm)

Ling-Ling: Chocolate animal woman, we not same since we open package you tell us not to and we do anyway!

Foxxy: What package? (realizes) Oh, my electric lingerie order…

Ling-Ling: Only there nothing in box except sneezing powder. Next day we all wake up all changed from evil spell from box. I no want to kill anything, Sockbat is great big bi polar wreck –

Wooldoor: (furious) I AM NOT! (He grabs the bag of green herb and walks over to the water pipe)

Ling-Ling: (continuing calmly) Homo is not homo, Land Whale can not speak, Princess is like Mermaid Princess (he looks over at Clara who is now being comforted by Toot) only she not like it much. Oh, and Pig Demon not get rocks off over crying females. He is now neat freak with humongous cactus up butt (Spanky glares at him)

Wooldoor: (sniffling again) And…Hero is at death’s door.

Foxxy: (frightened) Where is he?

Wooldoor: In bed. He’s been in bed ever since this happened. (He fills the water pipe and lights it)

Foxxy jumps up and runs into the house.

Cut to the guys’ bedroom. Foxxy rushes in and over to Hero’s side. She kneels down and takes his hand.

Foxxy: Hero?

Hero stirs and opens his eyes. Foxxy places her other hand over Hero’s forehead, and he winces in pain.

Foxxy: Oh my God…I go away and come back…and thought I’d find the whole house done turn upside down from you freaks picking on them neighbors again! (she squeezes his hand) I sho wish that were the case. It’s like ya’ll have turned into mockeries of yo-selves, or…(her eyes well up) you is complete opposites of your REAL selves!

Hero: (weakly) It’s…all my fault, Foxxy. I’m the one who opened the box.

Foxxy: Hero, do you know where that box came from?

Hero: There…wasn’t any return address…so I thought…

Foxxy: You thought…what?

Hero: (remorseful) That we got a nice little gift from the drug fairy. So…I got all excited and just had to get that box open. (sighs) Whatever WAS in there, I think I got the worst of it. (He squirms uncomfortably) Serves me right…it’s no wonder…I feel like I’m dying.

Foxxy: (leaning closer to Hero threateningly) You ain’t dying, Hero! You hear me?

Hero: (meekly) Yes, ma’am.

Foxxy: (she squeezes his hand) That’s better. Now…did it come from a delivery service?

Hero: Huh?

Foxxy: Fed-ex, UPS, DHL…

Hero: Oh…it was UPS. But the guy took off before we could ask him anything. (shivering, pulling her hand closer) I’m so cold, Foxxy.

Foxxy: (looking over the pile of blankets covering Hero) I…can warm ya up.

Foxxy pulls back the blankets and quickly climbs into bed with Hero. Hero quickly clasps her to him, the same way he did with Toot, and settles down, with his chin resting on Foxxy’s shoulder. Foxxy rests her hands over his arms, and lays still. Hero closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. Foxxy’s eyes continue to stay wide open in fear. After a moment, she gently unwraps Hero’s arms from her and sits up. She pulls her cell phone from halter top and starts dialing. The scene fades.


The scene opens at the poolside, sometime later. All the broken glass is gone. Clara is back in the pool, now wearing a tank top. She hangs on to the ladder while Wooldoor and Ling-Ling gleefully help her shampoo her hair. All three of them are completely covered in soap suds. Toot is reading a book and sitting on top of Spanky who continues to mutter and complain.

Spanky: …it’s going to take hours to get ALL the suds out the pool, and I’m going to have to add MORE chlorine…

Clara: (sighing) Damned if you do, damned if you don’t...(to Ling-Ling and Wooldoor) Okay, that’s good. Thanks, guys! (She lets go of the ladder and dives, and all the suds float to the surface)

Spanky: Aw, MAN! Come on, Toot! Let me up! (Toot ignores him, and turns a page in her book)

Wooldoor and Ling-Ling start frolicking, flinging soap suds at each other, giggling all the while. Spanky wails in frustration. Clara resurfaces and runs her fingers through her hair. Foxxy walks outside, takes in the sight and smiles.

Foxxy: Okay, ya’ll, as much fun as it *might* be playing Florence Nightingale, I needs to head down to the Jew Producer’s office to see why he ain’t answering his phone - especially since that package came from THERE! (Everyone gasps and looks at Foxxy)

Clara: What!?

Spanky: How do you know THAT?

Foxxy: (waving her phone) After talking with Hero, I used all my mystery-solving know-how to track down the man who delivered the package! And he done told me where it came from (her voice takes on a harsh tone) from that goddamn Jew Producer! Only…(suddenly looks confused) …he was all scared to tell and made me promise not to (makes quotes with fingers) “sic that crazy girl in the purple dress on him”. Clara? You know something about this?

Clara: (looking away) I don’t want to talk about it.

Wooldoor: What are you going to do, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Well, seeing that he done made a mess of things (she cracks her knuckles) The Foxxy is gonna make damn sure he fixes it.

(To Be Continued)

[lorelei]

Part 4

Cut to a small office building. Foxxy leans against the buzzer, whistling Dixie. She looks over at the mailbox by the door and takes her hand off the buzzer. The mailbox is stuffed full. On the ground beneath the mail box are bundles of letters held together by rubber bands.

Foxxy: Oh, don’t tell me he sent a sick-ass prank spell package and went on vacation!

She picks up the bundles and looks at them, freeing them from the rubber bands. The camera pans closer to show that the letters are for Xandir. Foxxy opens one.

Foxxy: (reading) “Dear Xandir: Why are you being such an asshole?” (rolls her eyes and opens another one) “Don’t be straight, Xandir. Don’t be straight.” (she opens another one) “Really, don’t be straight, or I’ll stop watching.” (she opens another one) “Xandir, you look like crap. You used to be so fabulous”

Foxxy: (in confessional) Ha ha ha ha ha! (she slaps her thigh)

Foxxy: (opening another letter) “Dear Xandir: stop chasing the women” – Wh? Lordy, this is one powerful spell!

Foxxy puts the letters down, pulls a credit card from her halter top and sticks it in the door, holding the knob. She jiggles it for a moment, and gets the door open.

Cut to the interior. We see Witch Hazel sitting at a table, looking like she hasn’t slept in the days. The phone is set on speakerphone, playing music. The Jew Producer is now sprawled on the couch, still naked and fast asleep, snoring away.

Foxxy: What the - who are you?

Witch Hazel: (groggily) “Thank you for calling Wicked U. Your call is very important to me.”

Foxxy: You! You sent the package. (her hands curl into fists)

Witch Hazel: (yawning) Of course I did. (perks up) Are you the Head Witch Della fantastically disguised as Foxxy Love? I don’t like being kept on hold for days. Did you watch? Did you grade my work yet?

Foxxy: Work?

Witch Hazel: Duh? The reality show assignment! You said if I got a good grade, you’d make me ugly again!

Foxxy storms over to Witch Hazel, forces her out of the chair and pins her to the wall.

Foxxy: It would be the Foxxy’s pleasure to make you rrrl ugly after what you’ve done to ma housemates! You got any idea what you did?

Witch Hazel: Uh, yeah…but…

Foxxy pulls her in front of the closed circuit TV where we see various shots of the house. We see Ling-Ling and Wooldoor wrestling among the soapsuds, Toot still sitting on top of Spanky, and Spanky and Clara are arguing again.

Witch Hazel: Oh, come now! That’s not so bad! I’ve heard that you freaks can adapt to anything!

Foxxy: (points to a shot of Hero, who is tossing and turning in bed) You call that adapting?

Witch Hazel: Oh…I…(fearful) didn’t think he would…get that sick.

Foxxy: (She pulls her closer to Hero’s image) You see that? You gonna fix that!

Witch Hazel bursts into tears.

Foxxy: (loosening her grip) Oh, lawd…

Witch Hazel: (sobbing) He looks Paul!

Foxxy: Paul??

Witch Hazel: My pet tarantula Paul!

Foxxy: (angry) Hey! Hero ain’t no…(calmer) look; there ain’t no time for that now. You fix them all, and the Foxxy may not have to kick yo ass!

Witch Hazel: (stops crying) So….if I don’t do anything, you’ll kick my ass? (Relaxes in Foxxy’s grip, and closes her eyes) Okay! Go ahead then….

Foxxy stares at her strangely.

Witch Hazel: What are you waiting for? Go on, beat me to a pulp! I deserve it!

Foxxy: (realizing) Oh, I see….Nah….you too pretty to hit. In fact (she looks her up and down and whistles) You is one hot momma!

Witch Hazel: Oh please! I don’t want to be pretty anymore! (leans in closer) Come on!

Foxxy: Tell ya what. You change my housemates back, and I promise I WILL give you the ass-whooping of you life.

Witch Hazel: You’ll do it enough to make me ugly?

Foxxy: Grrrl, by time I’m done with you, it will look like you’ve been hit by ugly stick, that fell off the ugly tree, that broke every ugly branch on it’s way down, that got run over by the ugly truck and bit by the ugly dog!

Witch Hazel: Promise?

Foxxy: Promise.

Witch Hazel: Promise, promise?

Foxxy: Yeah…(releases her) But you change my housemates back first! Now get to work!

Woman’s voice: (from off-screen) And what kind of work would that be?

Foxxy and Witch Hazel look up to a beautiful, dark haired woman in a red dress and cloak. She is flanked by two ugly witches. It’s is none other than Della, the Head Witch and Hilda and Zelda.

Witch Hazel: Della! (She pulls away from Foxxy and flings herself at their feet.)

Della: (smiling) Well done, Witch Hazel. You deserve a good grade for this…unless (she looks at Foxxy) you weren’t about to blow the assignment, were you?

Witch Hazel: (getting up) No, of course not! (They prepare to leave)

Foxxy: ‘Ey! What about my housemates!?! You’ve gots to change them back!

Della: (waving her hand) Oh, right. Oh, don’t worry, Ms. Love. That spell will wear off in about a week.

Foxxy: (pleadingly) A week? You’ve gots to do something! Hero could die!

Della: Oh, please, I’ve seen your show. No one will die. (They leave in a puff of smoke.)

Foxxy: (on the verge of tears) Sometimes I wonder about that. Like right now.

She sits down at the table and buries her face in her hands.

Voice: (from off screen) Foxxy?

Foxxy looks up. Sabrina, the teenaged witch, is now standing where the witches once stood.

Foxxy: Sabrina!

Sabrina: I heard what happened, so I followed them here. Don’t worry, I’ll fix everything!

Foxxy: (gets up and hugs her) Oh thank you!

Sabrina: (hugging her back) It’s no problem, Foxxy. But I do need for you to keep quiet about all this. Not a word to Archie and the gang. (Foxxy pulls away) I can’t let this get back to my boyfriend. Or Della.

Foxxy: I’m so glad you’re here! But…why you weren’t at our band party?

Sabrina: Oh, I don’t really hang out with those guys all that much. Beside, I was home doing schoolwork, and that’s how I heard about this mess. Hilda and Zelda have been helping Della with the new students.

Foxxy: (smiling) Well, I guess there’s a reason for everything! Come on, let’s go!

Sabrina: (gesturing to the Jew Producer) What about him?

Foxxy: Oh. Right. (She walks over to the Jew Producer, puts a blanket over him, then taps him on the shoulder. He stirs.)

Jew Producer: (groggily) Foxxy?

Foxxy: Hey, ya’ll! Thanks a lot for turning that stupid witch loose on my housemates!

Sabrina: Actually, Foxxy. He’s been put under a spell too! He and Witch Hazel have been…um…busy while all this was going on.

Foxxy: (shocked) You have got to be s**ting me!

Sabrina snaps her fingers. The Jew Producer’s body jolts, then he sits up in surprise. He pulls up the blanket and looks down at himself, then looks at Foxxy and Sabrina.

Jew Producer: Whoa…what happened? Umm….(hopefully) Did we….?

Foxxy: (laughing) No sir, we didn’t.

Jew Producer: (bummed out) Aww….


The scene opens on the following morning in the Drawn Together house. Toot and Foxxy are busy making breakfast. Toot is making pancakes and dishing them out to Hero who is gobbling them up with gusto. Ling-Ling, Wooldoor and Spanky watch him in awe as they slowly eat their pancakes.

Toot: Sure is nice to see you have your appetite back, Hero.

Hero: And I never thought I’d say this, but it sure it nice to hear your voice again! (He finishes another pancake) My God, these are the best pancakes you’ve ever made, Toot!

Toot: (glancing at Wooldoor) Even better than the chocolate chip, peanut butter, marshmallow…pickle

Wooldoor: That’s….kind of gross!

Ling-Ling: Yeah, that disgusting!

Toot: I was just testing you guys! I was kidding about the pickle.

Wooldoor: Oh, okay!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling prefer simple blueberry pancakes like these.

Toot: Well, that’s good. You two were eating like a couple of pregnant chicks under that spell.

Hero: (patting Wooldoor’s head) Eat up, little buddy. The carnival will be open soon and I want to get there early to beat the crowds.

Wooldoor: Wheeeee! Can we go on every ride that’s there?

Hero: We’re going on every ride ten times!

Wooldoor: Wow…really?

Hero: (smiling) Twenty, if there’s time.

Wooldoor: (hugging Hero) You’re the best, Hero!

Hero: (hugging him back) Awww…you’re like the son I never had!

Wooldoor: Yeah, and I’m like the son I never had either!

Toot: You guys are going to the carnival? Gee, Hero, I kind of expected you to be bouncing off the walls, swinging from the chandelier and having your way with barnyard animals with your health and powers back!

Hero: (in confessional) I should, shouldn’t I? (He suddenly rips off his clothes and starts beating his bare chest, doing the Tarzan howl)

Hero: Eh, I can do that later…

Spanky: (perks up, stopping in mid bite) Well, hello, hello, hellooooo!

The others turn to look at he’s looking at. Clara walks slowly up to the counter. She is wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts.

Hero: Wow….

Wooldoor: Wow…

Clara: (smugly) I know!

Clara: (in confessional) (excited) I know!! (She drapes her legs over the side of the chair, similar to a Foxxy pose)

Ling-Ling runs up to her and hugs her legs. Clara smiles down at him.

Hero: Wooldoor and I are heading to the carnival in a few minutes. You wanna join us?

Clara: Sure! (Toot hands her a plate of pancakes.) Thank you, Toot. (She sits down at the table.)

Xandir enters the kitchen now wearing his regular clothes, but his privates are now all wrapped in bandages resembling a diaper. Everyone starts chuckling. Xandir looks down.

Toot: Wow…Xandir, you really broke yourself!

Xandir: Yeah…and then having sex with the soap donut for hours didn’t help matters. Wooldoor gave me some ointment to take away the sting. It…(looks down) still hurts though.

Clara: At least you’re covered up!

Xandir: Yeah. I won’t be able to do anything with it for a while, and (almost in tears) it serves me right, doesn’t it? Can you guys ever forgive me?

Toot: Eh, we’ll think about it…(see Xandir’s face) Hey, I’m kidding, Xandir. I was so mad at you, but you couldn’t help it. And I guess we kind of even now. I jumped on you at fat camp, remember?

Xandir: Well, that was different. I let you. I could have fought you off if I wanted to.

Toot: (thinks) Eh, I don’t know about that.

Xandir: I could have! But you….over these past few days, there were times when you looked at me as if you *hated* me, and I still forced myself on you. And now that you’re talking….well, I’m amazed that you’re even talking to me.

Toot: Xandir…really. We’re cool.

Clara: Yeah, totally cool!

Hero: Totally!

Xandir: (looking at Toot and then at Clara, and then at Hero in horror) Are we?

He walks over to the couch and sits down hard, yelping in pain. He buries his face in his hands and starts to sob.

Toot and Clara look at each other, then walk over to him. They sit down on either side of him, putting their hands on his shoulders. Xandir cries for a moment, then composes himself, looks up and wipes his eyes.

Clara: Xandir…we all know that you were not in your right mind. We forgive you. Hey, look at all the horrible things I have done…and sometimes I WAS in my right mind! And, you guys still forgave me. Remember?

Xandir: I guess that’s true.

Spanky: This will cheer you up. (He hands Xandir his cell phone) It’s Fernando.

Xandir: (excited, he picks up the phone) Hey sweetie! No…don’t worry, I’m gay again. No, no one hurt me and tried to kill me. (looks at Toot and Clara) I’m okay, really. But I …um, I can’t perform for awhile. I know. I’m sorry, honey. Dinner? And a show? Okay! See you soon! (he jumps up) We’ve got tickets to a show! (He looks down at himself) Oh my God! What am I going to wear? Oh my God, oh my God (He jumps up and runs upstairs)

Clara: Well, it looks like things are back to normal!

Spanky: Almost! (He hops up on the couch and starts to unzip his pants. Alarmed, Clara reaches out and grabs his hand)

Clara: Spanky, as much I didn’t care for your obsessive compulsive behavior, I think some of us would appreciate it if you try to refrain from urinating on everything again. Or at least keep it outside?

Spanky: (looks at her legs and grins) If you keep wearing your shorts for awhile…

Clara: Deal!

The doorbell rings. Foxxy jumps up and runs to the door.

Foxxy: Oooh, maybe that’s my package from real real!

Foxxy opens the door; waves in Sabrina and hugs her.

Foxxy: I can’t thank you enough for putting everyone back together. (She leads Sabrina into the kitchen) Guys…I’d like you to meet the lady who restored everyone to normal!

Everyone gets up and rushes over to Sabrina, hugging her and shaking her hand, all chattering at once. Spanky is fairly drooling over her.

Sabrina: (grinning) It was nothing, guys, really.

Toot: Did you actually SEE what went on here over the past few days?

Sabrina: I did…and I’m so sorry you guys went through that. Sometimes Della’s apprentices get a little out of hand. But I’ll make sure they never bother you guys again.

Clara: As much I have no desire to relive that ordeal again, it was kind of fun living in the pool! But…we can’t thank you enough!

Sabrina: (looking at Clara strangely) Don’t I know you from somewhere?

Clara: Um…I don’t think so.

Sabrina: (she looks at Toot) You too…look very familiar.

Toot: Really?

Sabrina: Yeah! (she puts her hand on her arm) I know I’ve heard your voice somewhere!

Toot: Huh...maybe we have met...

Spanky: (still starring at Sabrina) You know…you’re pretty hot! You’re hotter than that other blonde chick! (Holds up a $50 bill) $50 bucks to make out with my girls! (He gestures to Toot and Clara)

Sabrina: (shocked) What?

Clara: (laughs and hugs Spanky) Oh, I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve missed the old Spanky!

Toot: Me too! (she kisses him on the cheek)

Spanky: Oh yeah?

Toot: Absolutely.

Spanky: Really? You…uh, still have that baby costume?

Toot: (flirtatiously) Maaaaaaybe.

Spanky: Cool…

Toot winks at him and leaves the room. Spanky smirks and looks around at everyone.

Hero: Dude, I think she just tossed you an invitation!

Spanky: (rubbing his hands together) Yeah…

He swaggers out.

Wooldoor: (giggling) Wow….Toot’s taking Spanky over Xandir!

Clara: (glaring at Wooldoor) And just why is THAT so hard to believe?

Wooldoor: But…its TOOT! Taking SPANKY…over XANDIR!

Clara: (rolling her eyes) How do I tell thee? Let me count the ways.

Wooldoor: Oh yeah, that’s right! I almost forgot that YOU two had…

Clara: (blushing) Okay, hush up, Wooldoor.

Foxxy: Later! (She dashes out. Everyone looks up in surprise)

Sabrina: Whoa! Are they…?

Clara: Yeah…

Sabrina: And you’re okay with THAT?

Clara: As long as they don’t use my bed.

Wooldoor suddenly gets up and leaves.

Clara: Oh no…(she runs after him, and then reappears, carrying him)

Wooldoor: Aw, come on, Clara!

Clara: I thought we were going to the carnival!

Wooldoor: Oh, right (excited) Wheeeeee!

Clara: (to Sabrina) Wanna come along?

Sabrina: Sure, why not?

Clara: Ready, Hero?

Hero: Ready! Grab on to my legs!

Clara: Yeah…um maybe we should go outside first.

Hero: Right. (They leave)

The camera pulls back from the now empty kitchen. Ling-Ling suddenly hops up on to the counter and looks around. He shrugs and reaches into one of the cabinets and pulls out the water pipe.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get over looked once again. But for once, Ling-Ling no mind!

Ling-Ling prepares to light the water pipe, then stops.

Ling-Ling: (snickering) Ling-Ling just kidding. That slow him down. (He puts the water pipe away. He looks right at the camera) Say no to drugs, say yes to Ling-Ling!

Spanky: (from off-screen) Yes…oh, yes!

Ling-Ling: (weirded out) Uhhhh, not rike that.

He switches on the boom box. Once again we hear Bob Marley. He starts gathering up the dishes, humming along to the music. He sees a stray pancake, and then picks it up and eats it.

THE END