Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jan 21, 2008 23:29:29 GMT -5
DEBBIE DOES MATLOCK
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where Marty and Toot are on the couch. Toot is lying down with her bare feet in Marty's lap. Marty is playing with her toes.
Marty: (wiggling each toe in turn) This little piggy went to market... this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef... this little piggy had none. This little- (He stops and puts her foot down.) Um... I can't go any farther. You don't have enough toes to finish the rhyme.
Toot: Do it again. Just leave out the one who didn't get any roast beef.
Marty: You got it. (As Marty picks Toot's foot back up, Clara walks in.)
Clara: Ah, playing "this little piggy", I see. I used to play that with Bleh. Of course, her extra toe did make that game a lot more challenging... but I could always make it work. Not that it really took that much to amuse Bleh. One time I painted her toenails with glitter polish. (Clara laughs) She would sit and stare at her feet for hours! She even ended up naming all her toes. She called them all Sam... go figure.
Toot: Oh yeah. The I Am Sam obsession. (Her expression changes.) Wait a minute. That couldn't be it. That movie just came out a few years ago- it wasn't around when you two were kids.
Clara: Who said we were kids?
As Marty and Toot each give a look, the phone suddenly rings. Xandir appears out of nowhere to answer it.
Xandir: Hello? (At that moment, Wooldoor dashes in. However, upon seeing Xandir has beaten him to the phone, he grimaces in frustration and stalks off.) Oh sure, she's here! I'll get her. (He turns to Clara.) Hey, Clara? Phone call for you. It's your father.
Clara: Oh, okay. Thanks, Xandir. (She takes the phone from Xandir.) Hello, Father. How are you? What do you mean, who is this? (She continues listening for a moment, becoming very confused. After a moment, she puts her hand over the receiver and turns to Xandir.) Xandir, what the hell is wrong with you? This isn't my father!
Xandir: It isn't? But he asked for you!
Clara: Did he ask for me by name?
Xandir: No... he just said he wanted to speak to his daughter. But come on, who else could he mean?
Clara: Xandir, I'm going to try to phrase this in such a way as to suggest you're not a complete idiot, but... you're a complete idiot. Huh. I guess I failed. Oh, well.
Xandir: Look, Clara, it was an old man asking to speak to his daughter- who else could it be? I mean, I know it couldn't be Foxxy's father! You really think HE'S likely to be calling here anytime soon?
Clara: While your logic is very sound, Xandir, I think you've overlooked the fact that there IS another woman in this house besides me and Foxxy!
Xandir: Well, that's silly. I know it isn't MY father! (Toot glares at Xandir.)
Toot: (angrily) Xandir... I'm about to kick your ass so hard I'm going to leave a shoe in there!
Xandir: Don't be silly, Toot! You're not even wearing shoes right now!
Toot: That's okay, I'll shove them in by hand!
Xandir: (intrigued) Hmm... shove them up my ass by hand, you say?
Toot glares at Xandir with an extremely cold and angry look. Finally, she snaps. She gets off the couch and walks up to Xandir.
Toot: (pointing upstairs) All right, that's it! You're out of here!
Xandir: What?
Toot: (continuing to gesture upstairs) You heard me! I'm ejecting you from the episode! Now go on, get your ass into the penalty room and stay there for the rest of the show!
Xandir: That's silly, Toot! You can't throw me out!
Toot: Toot's decision is final! Now get out of here!
Xandir: (becoming acquiescent) Yes, ma'am. (He turns around and walks away disappointed.)
Clara: (watching Xandir leave) Wow! I didn't realize it was that easy to get rid of someone!
Toot: It is with Xandir! (Her anger dissipates.) You know, I really don't have the power to kick anybody out of the episode. But Xandir's just such a puss! He'll do whatever you tell him to!
Clara: I'll have to remember that for next time!
Toot nods. Everyone looks around for a moment. The moment is a little awkward.
Toot: So... what do we do now?
Clara: I don't know. What was happening in the scene again? Before Xandir started in with his crap?
Toot: Let's see... Marty was playing with my feet. Then you came in... and I forget what happened after that.
They continue to stand around looking confused. Finally, after a while, we hear a sound coming from the telephone.
Old man: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? (Suddenly, Toot, Clara, and Marty all nod in realization.) Is anyone talking out there? Oh, no... don't tell me my damn hearing aid quit on me again!
Toot: (taking the phone from Clara) Hello, Daddy! How are you? (As Toot begins conversing with her father, Clara and Marty turn to each other.)
Clara: And you're sure you want to live here with us for the time being?
Marty: Oh, absolutely!
Clara: You know, we do have a few tricks we like to use in order to make living with Xandir a lot easier. I think just to be safe, I'd better teach them to you. (Marty grabs Clara's arm and looks at her with complete gratitude.)
Marty: THANK YOU!
CUE OPENING TITLES
Toot (in confessional): Now that Marty and I were engaged to be married, there were so many things we needed to do. Schedule a date, pick our wedding party, get registered for gifts, etc. But there was one part of the wedding preparations I was looking forward to more than anything- gloating to my parents! (She laughs for a moment, then becomes sullen.) If I ever got the chance, that was.
Cut back to Toot on the phone with her father.
Toot: (on phone, obviously bored) Right, right. Well, I'm glad your hip operation went well, Daddy. I'm glad cousin Arthur turned out to be a real doctor after all. (Her mood picks up slightly.) But I'm sure you're wondering what's new with me! Anyway, Marty and I just got- oh, you did? (Her mood drops again.) That's great, Daddy. Yes, I'm glad the pharmacy makes them in suppository. But anyway, like I was saying, Marty and I- (She sighs.) No, Daddy. I definitely have not seen that episode of Murder She Wrote. Yes, Daddy, I'm sure it was a good one. Anyway, Daddy, you remember that guy I was seeing? Marty? No, Daddy, not the Ernest Borgnine movie, my boyfriend! Look- just put Mom on, okay? (She covers the earpiece and turns to Clara and Marty.) I'll gloat to Mom first. She's the one I really want to stick it to! (She puts the receiver back to her ear.) Hey, Mom? Could you do me a favor? Yeah, yeah, could you, uh, SUCK MY BALLS??? (She laughs hysterically.) That's right, Mom! Guess who's getting married? Me, that's who! And you thought it would never happen! Well, I guess I showed you a thing or- (Her mood changes again. She becomes very impatient.) Oh, goddammit, Daddy! I thought I told you to put Mom on! Well, why can't you? Oh, ha ha. Very funny, Daddy. Look, just take that new plastic hip of yours and drag your ass into the kitchen and put her on the- (Suddenly it sinks in what her father said.) Oh, my God. Daddy, really? Of course, I'll come right away. Goodbye. (She hangs up and turns to the others, obviously distraught.)
Marty: What's wrong, Toot? Is your mom okay?
Toot: My mom's great, Marty. She's fine.
Clara: Then why couldn't your father put her on the line?
Toot: Because they don't live together anymore.
Clara: What?
Toot: They've split up. They're getting divorced. Mom's already moved out of the house.
Clara: Oh my God, Toot, that's terrible!
Toot: I'm going to go talk to him about this and find out what's going on. Maybe I can talk them out of it.
Marty: I'll come with you.
Toot: No, Marty. I think I need to do this myself.
Marty: But I want to be there to support you.
Toot: Thanks, Marty, but my father barely knows you. I think it's important that it just be me. I'll be okay. You can support me when I get home tonight.
Marty: Okay. If you're sure.
Toot: I'm sure. Thanks.
Marty: So how did he react when you told him we were getting married?
Toot: Oh, he never even heard me. When I said that, he was yapping on about how Starbucks apparently makes a Metamucil cappacino now! It's probably just as well. I don't want to hit him with something like this when he's got his own problems to worry about.
Clara: You still going to tell your mom?
Toot: Oh, totally! (She grabs her shoes and heads to the door.) I'll see you guys in a little bit!
Toot waves. Marty waves back. Toot steps out the door. Marty turns to Clara.
Marty: So.
Clara: (begins singing) A needle pulling thread... la... a note to follow so... te... a drink with jam and bread... that will bring us back to-
Marty: Do you do this all the time?
Clara: Yup. Better get used to it.
Marty: Okay.
Clara: I'm impressed with you so far, Marty. Most people who spend more than 15 minutes in this house usually run away screaming.
Marty: Hey, you guys are wacky, I'll admit. But I like that! I'm really looking forward to being part of the wackiness myself.
Clara: Well, that's good to hear. (Hero and Spanky bound downstairs.)
Spanky: Hey, Clara! Can we borrow Ling-Ling for the night?
Clara: Time for your semi-weekly ritual again?
Hero: You bet!
Clara: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you guys do your thing with Marty this week?
Hero: Oh, that sounds like fun!
Marty: Wait a minute. What are you guys going to do? You're not going to have another tea party, are you? Toot told me about that.
Hero: No, we're not going to have a tea party! Don't be silly!
Clara: I'm curious, what DO you guys do down there in the basement anyway? Is there any chance you'll tell me one of these days?
Spanky: Sorry, Clara. It's strictly no girls allowed! Come on, Marty! (As Hero and Spanky whisk Marty away, a very confused look forms on his face.)
Cut to the sidewalk of a moderately upscale suburban neighborhood. We see Toot come into view walking down the sidewalk. She walks up to one of the houses and begins knocking continuously.
Toot: (knocking) Hello! Daddy, it's me, Toot! Hello? Come on, Daddy, I know you're home. Just open up and let me in, okay? Daddy? (She stops knocking.) Why am I even bothering to knock? It's not like he ever locks it! (She opens the door and enters.) Hello, Daddy!
We see an old man in a recliner. He is the old bearded gentleman we have seen in several episodes.
Mr. Braunstein: Toot? Is that you?
Toot: Yes, Daddy, it's me. (She walks over and pulls up a chair and sits down in front of him.) Hi, Daddy.
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, hi, Toot. What brings you here?
Toot: I just came to see how you were.
Mr. Braunstein: You didn't happen to see my nurse outside, did you? It's about time for my sponge bath!
Toot: Daddy, you don't have a nurse. Although, come to think of it, if Mom's gone, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone here to take care of you.
Mr. Braunstein: You're going to get me a hooker?
Toot: No, a nurse.
Mr. Braunstein: A naughty nurse?
Toot: A regular one.
Mr. Braunstein: I wish I was still regular. Then I wouldn't have to wear a damn diaper all the time!
Toot: I could have done without hearing that, but it's okay. You're old, I'll cut you some slack.
Mr. Braunstein: I lost bladder control in the supermarket the other day. They had to change me right there in the middle of the bread aisle!
Toot: Okay, that's the end of your slack. Look, Daddy. (She takes his hand.) I need to talk to you for a minute.
Mr. Braunstein: You're not going to try to get me to join a cult, are you?
Toot: No, Daddy. I don't belong to a cult.
Mr. Braunstein: I'm sorry, I just thought that boyfriend of yours might have talked you into joining that cult he's in!
Toot: Marty isn't a cult member, Daddy. He's Catholic.
Mr. Braunstein: That's a cult!
Toot: Daddy, can I just be serious for a moment? (The old man refocuses and looks at Toot.) Daddy... what happened with Mom?
Mr. Braunstein: She left!
Toot: I know she left-
Mr. Braunstein: The bitch is gone!
Toot: Yes, Daddy, I know the bitch is gone. What I want to know is, why did she leave? As far as I could tell, you two were very happy together!
Mr. Braunstein: Appearances can be decieving!
Toot: Oh, Daddy, things couldn't have been that bad.
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, they were, Toot. Every time I turned around, she was riding my ass about some stupid thing! It finally got to the point I just couldn't take it anymore!
Toot: She never did it in front of ME! Of course, that may have been because she was always busy riding MY ass about some stupid thing.
Mr. Braunstein: So you see what I'm talking about, then.
Toot: That still doesn't make sense, Daddy. I mean, you've been married for over 30 years! If you've loved each other enough to stay together that long, surely you can get past a few little fights.
Mr. Braunstein: It wasn't just the fights.
Toot: It wasn't?
Mr. Braunstein: No, our sex life was in the dumper too! Whenever I would tell that woman I wanted an orgasm, she would- (Toot immediately puts her hands over her ears.)
Toot: Daddy, if you love me, you'll stop right this minute!
Mr. Braunstein: All right.
Toot: (putting her hands down) Thank you. Look, Daddy, I have an idea. Why don't I give Mom a call and bring her back here so you two can talk it out?
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, it wouldn't do any good, Toot. She's as sick of me as I am of her! I don't know why, though- I'm pretty damn interesting! And I can tell a hell of a story, too! Like that time I had a hip operation- did you know it was two weeks before I could go down stairs?
Toot: Daddy, all I'm saying is that if you two could have a serious discussion, I'm sure you could work out your issues. After all, a 30-year marriage-
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, 30 years, schmirty years! The love went out of our marriage a long time ago! I think the only thing keeping us together all that time was inertia.
Toot: I just don't see why if you could stay together through all that, why you can't get past this too. I mean, none of those other fights made you want to split up. What was so different this time?
Mr. Braunstein: Well, Toot, something just dawned on me this time. I'm getting old.
Toot: You're just now realizing that?
Toot (in confessional): (angry) First person who says anything about putting the old man in a home gets to taste the back of my hand! (She holds the back of her hand up to the camera threateningly.)
Mr. Braunstein: I'm getting old, and if I want to find true happiness, I'd better start looking for it now before it's too late!
Toot: You want to find true happiness. Okay. So what were you planning to do? Start an eHarmony account? Flirt with the church organist? Start going to Country Kitchen singles mixers?
Mr. Braunstein: No... actually I was thinking of giving my old girlfriend a call, and seeing what she's up to these days.
Toot: Are you sure she's even still alive?
Mr. Braunstein: Why wouldn't she be?
Toot: No reason.
Mr. Braunstein: Course I don't have her phone number or any idea where to find her for that matter. But you'll help me find her, won't you, Toot?
Toot: Why should I?
Mr. Braunstein: Cause it would make your old man happy! You want your old man to be happy, don't you?
Toot: I want you to be happy with Mom. Not some whore you dated 30 years ago.
Mr. Braunstein: Toot, for the last 30 years, I've always wondered if I made a mistake not marrying this other girl instead of your mother. I really need to find out if things would have worked out between us. So please, Toot? Will you help me find her? (Toot begins to think.)
Toot (in confessional): I still wasn't happy with the idea of Dad hooking up with someone else. But it occurred to me that if he dated this other woman and things didn't work out, he'd realize what he had with Mom and then go back to her.
Toot: Okay, Dad. I'll help you find her.
Mr. Braunstein: Woohoo! I feel as fresh as a clean pair of underpants! Thanks, Toot! I owe you!
Toot: So what's her name?
Mr. Braunstein: Her name was Bunny.
Toot: You dated a rabbit?
Mr. Braunstein: Bunny Love. Toot, you think you can help me find Bunny Love?
Toot: You want to breed like rabbits? Well, until they come out with Super Viagra, I'm pretty sure that's not gonna- wait. Her name is Love?
Mr. Braunstein: That's right.
Toot: Goddammit!
Toot (in confessional): Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. I mean, Love isn't THAT uncommon a last name. I mean, just because her last name is Love doesn't necessarily mean she's related to Foxxy! There's got to be all kinds of women out there whose name is Love who aren't related to Foxxy! (She sighs.) Oh, who am I kidding? This is a damn sitcom! Of course she'll be related to Foxxy!
Cut to the girls' bedroom. Foxxy is pulling clothes out of a laundry basket, putting them on hangers, and hanging them up in her closet. Every article of clothing she pulls out is either a G-string or a halter top.
Foxxy: (singing) Do, a deer, a female deer... re, a drop of golden sun... (She stops singing.) I'm gonna kill that Clara. That song is damn catchy! (The door opens. Toot pokes her head inside.)
Toot: Hey, Foxxy? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Foxxy: What you want, marshmallow? You need to borrow my van to go to the ice cream parlor again?
Toot: No. (She enters the room fully.) And I don't appreciate you assuming my request is always food-related.
Foxxy: I'm just playing the odds. (She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a set of keys.) Here. (She tosses the keys to Toot.) If you'll gas it up for me, I'll teach you and Marty this great new sex move I came up with.
Toot: Wow. That's like, the creepiest deal I've ever been offered.
Foxxy: You know, I should put all my sex moves into a book. I could call it the Foxxy Sutra! I bet you anything it'll be a best seller!
Toot: I'm sure it will, Foxxy. But if I could be serious just for a moment-
Foxxy: Sure thing, Toot. What you want?
Toot: Foxxy, you're not related to someone named Bunny Love, are you?
Foxxy: What, you think just because someone has the same last name as me, you automatically assume we's related to each other? I'll have you know that I am very offended!
Toot: You're right, Foxxy. I'm sorry I brought it up. (She turns away and wipes her brow, breathing a sigh of relief.) Whew!
Foxxy: Now as it turns out, Bunny Love is my mama. But I still resent the assumption!
Toot: Crap, I knew it.
Foxxy: Why, what's going on?
Toot: Foxxy, I know you're not going to believe this in a million years, but... you know my dad?
Foxxy: Oh, yeah, isn't he splitting up from your mama? Clara told me about that. I'm really sorry to hear about it.
Toot: Thanks. Anyway, before he married my mother, my father apparently used to date your mom.
Foxxy: He what? Is you serious? My mama and your papa used to go out? That is some crazy stuff right there!
Toot: Yes.
Foxxy: Mmm mmm. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Toot: Yes. Yes, it is.
Foxxy: Hey, you know what? I just had a crazy thought! Now that your papa's single again, maybe he can give my mama a call! They should go out!
Toot: Yeah, maybe they should. (She clasps her hands together.) Well, okay then! We'll set up a date between them and our parents will go out!
Foxxy: Yeah!
Toot: Wow, Foxxy, I have to admit, I'm relieved. I thought for sure I'd have to sell you on this idea.
Foxxy: How dare you compare me to a slave! I swear, you think just because you's white and I'm black, that means you can buy and sell me? I swear! Just when we finally get all the racism out of Clara, now you have to go and start in!
Toot: No, Foxxy, I meant that I'd have to convince you.
Foxxy: Ohhhhhh. Okay.
Toot: Well, I'm glad you're on board with this.
Foxxy: Why wouldn't I be? I'd love for my mom to meet somebody!
Toot: Meet somebody?
Foxxy: Why, just think! If this works out-
Toot: Stop right there, Foxxy. This won't work out.
Foxxy: Why not?
Toot: It just won't, that's all.
Foxxy: Well, it might! Then I'd finally have a papa and you'd finally have a mama!
Toot: I *have* a mother! I don't need another one!
Foxxy: And you and I would be sisters! Wouldn't that be great?
Toot: (her mood changing) Really? You'd- you'd like to be my sister?
Foxxy: Of course I would! (She walks over to Toot.) Look, Toot. I know you and I have our differences. But I care about you, you know that.
Toot: (touched) That's so sweet, Foxxy! Wow... all this time I thought you just tolerated me because we lived together... I didn't realize you actually liked me!
Foxxy: Well, I do! I admit, you get on my nerves a lot-
Toot: Oh, you're one to talk!
Foxxy: Be that as it may. I'm serious, though, Toot. I don't just like you. I love you.
Toot: Really? You love me?
Foxxy (in confessional): Attention all fanfiction writers. When I say I love Toot, I mean that strictly in a platonic sense. You got that? Ain't better be nobody writing no goddamn lesbian porn based on that last scene!
Toot: Wow, Foxxy. It really touches me that you want to be my sister.
Foxxy: Well, I do.
Toot: It almost makes me sad that things aren't going to work out between our parents.
Foxxy: Why won't things work out?
Toot: Because your mom is going to dump my dad so he can come to his senses and get back together with my mom.
Foxxy: Screw that! Our parents are gonna get married! Hmmm... Foxxy Braunstein... I wonder how that'd look on an album cover...
Toot: Our parents are not getting married, Foxxy! You might as well get that idea out of your head right now!
Foxxy: Why don't you give love a chance, Toot!
Toot: Why don't YOU quit being a damn homewrecker?
Foxxy: Toot, I'm very sorry that your parents broke up, but my mama didn't have nothing to do with that! And it won't be her fault if they don't get back together!
Toot: Maybe not. But don't you think you're being a bit unrealistic? You have no evidence that our parents dating will lead to marriage!
Foxxy: Well, what evidence do YOU have that YOUR mom is the person your father is meant to be with?
Toot: You're right, Foxxy, I have no evidence at all. Except for maybe... oh, I don't know... the fact that they've been married for 30 years!
Foxxy: Toot, look. I can see where you're coming from. If I were in your shoes, I'd want my parents to get back together, too. But look at it from your papa's standpoint. Don't you want him to be happy?
Toot: Of course I do! But-
Foxxy: But nothing! Now it's obvious he wasn't happy with your mama, otherwise they wouldn't have split up. Doesn't he deserve the chance to pursue happiness with somebody else?
Toot: I suppose so.
Foxxy: Aw, Toot, I don't mean to lecture you. Tell you what. Why don't we set our parents up on that date and we'll let nature take its course. I'm sure things'll work out for the best.
Toot: Okay. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if we ended up being sisters.
Foxxy: That's the spirit! I'll go give my mom a call right now! (She exits. Toot stands there for a moment.)
Toot: No, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if Foxxy and I were sisters. (She turns toward the door defiantly.) It still ain't gonna happen, though! (Toot angrily sits down on the bed and continues to fume for a moment.)
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where Marty and Toot are on the couch. Toot is lying down with her bare feet in Marty's lap. Marty is playing with her toes.
Marty: (wiggling each toe in turn) This little piggy went to market... this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef... this little piggy had none. This little- (He stops and puts her foot down.) Um... I can't go any farther. You don't have enough toes to finish the rhyme.
Toot: Do it again. Just leave out the one who didn't get any roast beef.
Marty: You got it. (As Marty picks Toot's foot back up, Clara walks in.)
Clara: Ah, playing "this little piggy", I see. I used to play that with Bleh. Of course, her extra toe did make that game a lot more challenging... but I could always make it work. Not that it really took that much to amuse Bleh. One time I painted her toenails with glitter polish. (Clara laughs) She would sit and stare at her feet for hours! She even ended up naming all her toes. She called them all Sam... go figure.
Toot: Oh yeah. The I Am Sam obsession. (Her expression changes.) Wait a minute. That couldn't be it. That movie just came out a few years ago- it wasn't around when you two were kids.
Clara: Who said we were kids?
As Marty and Toot each give a look, the phone suddenly rings. Xandir appears out of nowhere to answer it.
Xandir: Hello? (At that moment, Wooldoor dashes in. However, upon seeing Xandir has beaten him to the phone, he grimaces in frustration and stalks off.) Oh sure, she's here! I'll get her. (He turns to Clara.) Hey, Clara? Phone call for you. It's your father.
Clara: Oh, okay. Thanks, Xandir. (She takes the phone from Xandir.) Hello, Father. How are you? What do you mean, who is this? (She continues listening for a moment, becoming very confused. After a moment, she puts her hand over the receiver and turns to Xandir.) Xandir, what the hell is wrong with you? This isn't my father!
Xandir: It isn't? But he asked for you!
Clara: Did he ask for me by name?
Xandir: No... he just said he wanted to speak to his daughter. But come on, who else could he mean?
Clara: Xandir, I'm going to try to phrase this in such a way as to suggest you're not a complete idiot, but... you're a complete idiot. Huh. I guess I failed. Oh, well.
Xandir: Look, Clara, it was an old man asking to speak to his daughter- who else could it be? I mean, I know it couldn't be Foxxy's father! You really think HE'S likely to be calling here anytime soon?
Clara: While your logic is very sound, Xandir, I think you've overlooked the fact that there IS another woman in this house besides me and Foxxy!
Xandir: Well, that's silly. I know it isn't MY father! (Toot glares at Xandir.)
Toot: (angrily) Xandir... I'm about to kick your ass so hard I'm going to leave a shoe in there!
Xandir: Don't be silly, Toot! You're not even wearing shoes right now!
Toot: That's okay, I'll shove them in by hand!
Xandir: (intrigued) Hmm... shove them up my ass by hand, you say?
Toot glares at Xandir with an extremely cold and angry look. Finally, she snaps. She gets off the couch and walks up to Xandir.
Toot: (pointing upstairs) All right, that's it! You're out of here!
Xandir: What?
Toot: (continuing to gesture upstairs) You heard me! I'm ejecting you from the episode! Now go on, get your ass into the penalty room and stay there for the rest of the show!
Xandir: That's silly, Toot! You can't throw me out!
Toot: Toot's decision is final! Now get out of here!
Xandir: (becoming acquiescent) Yes, ma'am. (He turns around and walks away disappointed.)
Clara: (watching Xandir leave) Wow! I didn't realize it was that easy to get rid of someone!
Toot: It is with Xandir! (Her anger dissipates.) You know, I really don't have the power to kick anybody out of the episode. But Xandir's just such a puss! He'll do whatever you tell him to!
Clara: I'll have to remember that for next time!
Toot nods. Everyone looks around for a moment. The moment is a little awkward.
Toot: So... what do we do now?
Clara: I don't know. What was happening in the scene again? Before Xandir started in with his crap?
Toot: Let's see... Marty was playing with my feet. Then you came in... and I forget what happened after that.
They continue to stand around looking confused. Finally, after a while, we hear a sound coming from the telephone.
Old man: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? (Suddenly, Toot, Clara, and Marty all nod in realization.) Is anyone talking out there? Oh, no... don't tell me my damn hearing aid quit on me again!
Toot: (taking the phone from Clara) Hello, Daddy! How are you? (As Toot begins conversing with her father, Clara and Marty turn to each other.)
Clara: And you're sure you want to live here with us for the time being?
Marty: Oh, absolutely!
Clara: You know, we do have a few tricks we like to use in order to make living with Xandir a lot easier. I think just to be safe, I'd better teach them to you. (Marty grabs Clara's arm and looks at her with complete gratitude.)
Marty: THANK YOU!
CUE OPENING TITLES
Toot (in confessional): Now that Marty and I were engaged to be married, there were so many things we needed to do. Schedule a date, pick our wedding party, get registered for gifts, etc. But there was one part of the wedding preparations I was looking forward to more than anything- gloating to my parents! (She laughs for a moment, then becomes sullen.) If I ever got the chance, that was.
Cut back to Toot on the phone with her father.
Toot: (on phone, obviously bored) Right, right. Well, I'm glad your hip operation went well, Daddy. I'm glad cousin Arthur turned out to be a real doctor after all. (Her mood picks up slightly.) But I'm sure you're wondering what's new with me! Anyway, Marty and I just got- oh, you did? (Her mood drops again.) That's great, Daddy. Yes, I'm glad the pharmacy makes them in suppository. But anyway, like I was saying, Marty and I- (She sighs.) No, Daddy. I definitely have not seen that episode of Murder She Wrote. Yes, Daddy, I'm sure it was a good one. Anyway, Daddy, you remember that guy I was seeing? Marty? No, Daddy, not the Ernest Borgnine movie, my boyfriend! Look- just put Mom on, okay? (She covers the earpiece and turns to Clara and Marty.) I'll gloat to Mom first. She's the one I really want to stick it to! (She puts the receiver back to her ear.) Hey, Mom? Could you do me a favor? Yeah, yeah, could you, uh, SUCK MY BALLS??? (She laughs hysterically.) That's right, Mom! Guess who's getting married? Me, that's who! And you thought it would never happen! Well, I guess I showed you a thing or- (Her mood changes again. She becomes very impatient.) Oh, goddammit, Daddy! I thought I told you to put Mom on! Well, why can't you? Oh, ha ha. Very funny, Daddy. Look, just take that new plastic hip of yours and drag your ass into the kitchen and put her on the- (Suddenly it sinks in what her father said.) Oh, my God. Daddy, really? Of course, I'll come right away. Goodbye. (She hangs up and turns to the others, obviously distraught.)
Marty: What's wrong, Toot? Is your mom okay?
Toot: My mom's great, Marty. She's fine.
Clara: Then why couldn't your father put her on the line?
Toot: Because they don't live together anymore.
Clara: What?
Toot: They've split up. They're getting divorced. Mom's already moved out of the house.
Clara: Oh my God, Toot, that's terrible!
Toot: I'm going to go talk to him about this and find out what's going on. Maybe I can talk them out of it.
Marty: I'll come with you.
Toot: No, Marty. I think I need to do this myself.
Marty: But I want to be there to support you.
Toot: Thanks, Marty, but my father barely knows you. I think it's important that it just be me. I'll be okay. You can support me when I get home tonight.
Marty: Okay. If you're sure.
Toot: I'm sure. Thanks.
Marty: So how did he react when you told him we were getting married?
Toot: Oh, he never even heard me. When I said that, he was yapping on about how Starbucks apparently makes a Metamucil cappacino now! It's probably just as well. I don't want to hit him with something like this when he's got his own problems to worry about.
Clara: You still going to tell your mom?
Toot: Oh, totally! (She grabs her shoes and heads to the door.) I'll see you guys in a little bit!
Toot waves. Marty waves back. Toot steps out the door. Marty turns to Clara.
Marty: So.
Clara: (begins singing) A needle pulling thread... la... a note to follow so... te... a drink with jam and bread... that will bring us back to-
Marty: Do you do this all the time?
Clara: Yup. Better get used to it.
Marty: Okay.
Clara: I'm impressed with you so far, Marty. Most people who spend more than 15 minutes in this house usually run away screaming.
Marty: Hey, you guys are wacky, I'll admit. But I like that! I'm really looking forward to being part of the wackiness myself.
Clara: Well, that's good to hear. (Hero and Spanky bound downstairs.)
Spanky: Hey, Clara! Can we borrow Ling-Ling for the night?
Clara: Time for your semi-weekly ritual again?
Hero: You bet!
Clara: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you guys do your thing with Marty this week?
Hero: Oh, that sounds like fun!
Marty: Wait a minute. What are you guys going to do? You're not going to have another tea party, are you? Toot told me about that.
Hero: No, we're not going to have a tea party! Don't be silly!
Clara: I'm curious, what DO you guys do down there in the basement anyway? Is there any chance you'll tell me one of these days?
Spanky: Sorry, Clara. It's strictly no girls allowed! Come on, Marty! (As Hero and Spanky whisk Marty away, a very confused look forms on his face.)
Cut to the sidewalk of a moderately upscale suburban neighborhood. We see Toot come into view walking down the sidewalk. She walks up to one of the houses and begins knocking continuously.
Toot: (knocking) Hello! Daddy, it's me, Toot! Hello? Come on, Daddy, I know you're home. Just open up and let me in, okay? Daddy? (She stops knocking.) Why am I even bothering to knock? It's not like he ever locks it! (She opens the door and enters.) Hello, Daddy!
We see an old man in a recliner. He is the old bearded gentleman we have seen in several episodes.
Mr. Braunstein: Toot? Is that you?
Toot: Yes, Daddy, it's me. (She walks over and pulls up a chair and sits down in front of him.) Hi, Daddy.
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, hi, Toot. What brings you here?
Toot: I just came to see how you were.
Mr. Braunstein: You didn't happen to see my nurse outside, did you? It's about time for my sponge bath!
Toot: Daddy, you don't have a nurse. Although, come to think of it, if Mom's gone, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone here to take care of you.
Mr. Braunstein: You're going to get me a hooker?
Toot: No, a nurse.
Mr. Braunstein: A naughty nurse?
Toot: A regular one.
Mr. Braunstein: I wish I was still regular. Then I wouldn't have to wear a damn diaper all the time!
Toot: I could have done without hearing that, but it's okay. You're old, I'll cut you some slack.
Mr. Braunstein: I lost bladder control in the supermarket the other day. They had to change me right there in the middle of the bread aisle!
Toot: Okay, that's the end of your slack. Look, Daddy. (She takes his hand.) I need to talk to you for a minute.
Mr. Braunstein: You're not going to try to get me to join a cult, are you?
Toot: No, Daddy. I don't belong to a cult.
Mr. Braunstein: I'm sorry, I just thought that boyfriend of yours might have talked you into joining that cult he's in!
Toot: Marty isn't a cult member, Daddy. He's Catholic.
Mr. Braunstein: That's a cult!
Toot: Daddy, can I just be serious for a moment? (The old man refocuses and looks at Toot.) Daddy... what happened with Mom?
Mr. Braunstein: She left!
Toot: I know she left-
Mr. Braunstein: The bitch is gone!
Toot: Yes, Daddy, I know the bitch is gone. What I want to know is, why did she leave? As far as I could tell, you two were very happy together!
Mr. Braunstein: Appearances can be decieving!
Toot: Oh, Daddy, things couldn't have been that bad.
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, they were, Toot. Every time I turned around, she was riding my ass about some stupid thing! It finally got to the point I just couldn't take it anymore!
Toot: She never did it in front of ME! Of course, that may have been because she was always busy riding MY ass about some stupid thing.
Mr. Braunstein: So you see what I'm talking about, then.
Toot: That still doesn't make sense, Daddy. I mean, you've been married for over 30 years! If you've loved each other enough to stay together that long, surely you can get past a few little fights.
Mr. Braunstein: It wasn't just the fights.
Toot: It wasn't?
Mr. Braunstein: No, our sex life was in the dumper too! Whenever I would tell that woman I wanted an orgasm, she would- (Toot immediately puts her hands over her ears.)
Toot: Daddy, if you love me, you'll stop right this minute!
Mr. Braunstein: All right.
Toot: (putting her hands down) Thank you. Look, Daddy, I have an idea. Why don't I give Mom a call and bring her back here so you two can talk it out?
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, it wouldn't do any good, Toot. She's as sick of me as I am of her! I don't know why, though- I'm pretty damn interesting! And I can tell a hell of a story, too! Like that time I had a hip operation- did you know it was two weeks before I could go down stairs?
Toot: Daddy, all I'm saying is that if you two could have a serious discussion, I'm sure you could work out your issues. After all, a 30-year marriage-
Mr. Braunstein: Oh, 30 years, schmirty years! The love went out of our marriage a long time ago! I think the only thing keeping us together all that time was inertia.
Toot: I just don't see why if you could stay together through all that, why you can't get past this too. I mean, none of those other fights made you want to split up. What was so different this time?
Mr. Braunstein: Well, Toot, something just dawned on me this time. I'm getting old.
Toot: You're just now realizing that?
Toot (in confessional): (angry) First person who says anything about putting the old man in a home gets to taste the back of my hand! (She holds the back of her hand up to the camera threateningly.)
Mr. Braunstein: I'm getting old, and if I want to find true happiness, I'd better start looking for it now before it's too late!
Toot: You want to find true happiness. Okay. So what were you planning to do? Start an eHarmony account? Flirt with the church organist? Start going to Country Kitchen singles mixers?
Mr. Braunstein: No... actually I was thinking of giving my old girlfriend a call, and seeing what she's up to these days.
Toot: Are you sure she's even still alive?
Mr. Braunstein: Why wouldn't she be?
Toot: No reason.
Mr. Braunstein: Course I don't have her phone number or any idea where to find her for that matter. But you'll help me find her, won't you, Toot?
Toot: Why should I?
Mr. Braunstein: Cause it would make your old man happy! You want your old man to be happy, don't you?
Toot: I want you to be happy with Mom. Not some whore you dated 30 years ago.
Mr. Braunstein: Toot, for the last 30 years, I've always wondered if I made a mistake not marrying this other girl instead of your mother. I really need to find out if things would have worked out between us. So please, Toot? Will you help me find her? (Toot begins to think.)
Toot (in confessional): I still wasn't happy with the idea of Dad hooking up with someone else. But it occurred to me that if he dated this other woman and things didn't work out, he'd realize what he had with Mom and then go back to her.
Toot: Okay, Dad. I'll help you find her.
Mr. Braunstein: Woohoo! I feel as fresh as a clean pair of underpants! Thanks, Toot! I owe you!
Toot: So what's her name?
Mr. Braunstein: Her name was Bunny.
Toot: You dated a rabbit?
Mr. Braunstein: Bunny Love. Toot, you think you can help me find Bunny Love?
Toot: You want to breed like rabbits? Well, until they come out with Super Viagra, I'm pretty sure that's not gonna- wait. Her name is Love?
Mr. Braunstein: That's right.
Toot: Goddammit!
Toot (in confessional): Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. I mean, Love isn't THAT uncommon a last name. I mean, just because her last name is Love doesn't necessarily mean she's related to Foxxy! There's got to be all kinds of women out there whose name is Love who aren't related to Foxxy! (She sighs.) Oh, who am I kidding? This is a damn sitcom! Of course she'll be related to Foxxy!
Cut to the girls' bedroom. Foxxy is pulling clothes out of a laundry basket, putting them on hangers, and hanging them up in her closet. Every article of clothing she pulls out is either a G-string or a halter top.
Foxxy: (singing) Do, a deer, a female deer... re, a drop of golden sun... (She stops singing.) I'm gonna kill that Clara. That song is damn catchy! (The door opens. Toot pokes her head inside.)
Toot: Hey, Foxxy? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Foxxy: What you want, marshmallow? You need to borrow my van to go to the ice cream parlor again?
Toot: No. (She enters the room fully.) And I don't appreciate you assuming my request is always food-related.
Foxxy: I'm just playing the odds. (She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a set of keys.) Here. (She tosses the keys to Toot.) If you'll gas it up for me, I'll teach you and Marty this great new sex move I came up with.
Toot: Wow. That's like, the creepiest deal I've ever been offered.
Foxxy: You know, I should put all my sex moves into a book. I could call it the Foxxy Sutra! I bet you anything it'll be a best seller!
Toot: I'm sure it will, Foxxy. But if I could be serious just for a moment-
Foxxy: Sure thing, Toot. What you want?
Toot: Foxxy, you're not related to someone named Bunny Love, are you?
Foxxy: What, you think just because someone has the same last name as me, you automatically assume we's related to each other? I'll have you know that I am very offended!
Toot: You're right, Foxxy. I'm sorry I brought it up. (She turns away and wipes her brow, breathing a sigh of relief.) Whew!
Foxxy: Now as it turns out, Bunny Love is my mama. But I still resent the assumption!
Toot: Crap, I knew it.
Foxxy: Why, what's going on?
Toot: Foxxy, I know you're not going to believe this in a million years, but... you know my dad?
Foxxy: Oh, yeah, isn't he splitting up from your mama? Clara told me about that. I'm really sorry to hear about it.
Toot: Thanks. Anyway, before he married my mother, my father apparently used to date your mom.
Foxxy: He what? Is you serious? My mama and your papa used to go out? That is some crazy stuff right there!
Toot: Yes.
Foxxy: Mmm mmm. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Toot: Yes. Yes, it is.
Foxxy: Hey, you know what? I just had a crazy thought! Now that your papa's single again, maybe he can give my mama a call! They should go out!
Toot: Yeah, maybe they should. (She clasps her hands together.) Well, okay then! We'll set up a date between them and our parents will go out!
Foxxy: Yeah!
Toot: Wow, Foxxy, I have to admit, I'm relieved. I thought for sure I'd have to sell you on this idea.
Foxxy: How dare you compare me to a slave! I swear, you think just because you's white and I'm black, that means you can buy and sell me? I swear! Just when we finally get all the racism out of Clara, now you have to go and start in!
Toot: No, Foxxy, I meant that I'd have to convince you.
Foxxy: Ohhhhhh. Okay.
Toot: Well, I'm glad you're on board with this.
Foxxy: Why wouldn't I be? I'd love for my mom to meet somebody!
Toot: Meet somebody?
Foxxy: Why, just think! If this works out-
Toot: Stop right there, Foxxy. This won't work out.
Foxxy: Why not?
Toot: It just won't, that's all.
Foxxy: Well, it might! Then I'd finally have a papa and you'd finally have a mama!
Toot: I *have* a mother! I don't need another one!
Foxxy: And you and I would be sisters! Wouldn't that be great?
Toot: (her mood changing) Really? You'd- you'd like to be my sister?
Foxxy: Of course I would! (She walks over to Toot.) Look, Toot. I know you and I have our differences. But I care about you, you know that.
Toot: (touched) That's so sweet, Foxxy! Wow... all this time I thought you just tolerated me because we lived together... I didn't realize you actually liked me!
Foxxy: Well, I do! I admit, you get on my nerves a lot-
Toot: Oh, you're one to talk!
Foxxy: Be that as it may. I'm serious, though, Toot. I don't just like you. I love you.
Toot: Really? You love me?
Foxxy (in confessional): Attention all fanfiction writers. When I say I love Toot, I mean that strictly in a platonic sense. You got that? Ain't better be nobody writing no goddamn lesbian porn based on that last scene!
Toot: Wow, Foxxy. It really touches me that you want to be my sister.
Foxxy: Well, I do.
Toot: It almost makes me sad that things aren't going to work out between our parents.
Foxxy: Why won't things work out?
Toot: Because your mom is going to dump my dad so he can come to his senses and get back together with my mom.
Foxxy: Screw that! Our parents are gonna get married! Hmmm... Foxxy Braunstein... I wonder how that'd look on an album cover...
Toot: Our parents are not getting married, Foxxy! You might as well get that idea out of your head right now!
Foxxy: Why don't you give love a chance, Toot!
Toot: Why don't YOU quit being a damn homewrecker?
Foxxy: Toot, I'm very sorry that your parents broke up, but my mama didn't have nothing to do with that! And it won't be her fault if they don't get back together!
Toot: Maybe not. But don't you think you're being a bit unrealistic? You have no evidence that our parents dating will lead to marriage!
Foxxy: Well, what evidence do YOU have that YOUR mom is the person your father is meant to be with?
Toot: You're right, Foxxy, I have no evidence at all. Except for maybe... oh, I don't know... the fact that they've been married for 30 years!
Foxxy: Toot, look. I can see where you're coming from. If I were in your shoes, I'd want my parents to get back together, too. But look at it from your papa's standpoint. Don't you want him to be happy?
Toot: Of course I do! But-
Foxxy: But nothing! Now it's obvious he wasn't happy with your mama, otherwise they wouldn't have split up. Doesn't he deserve the chance to pursue happiness with somebody else?
Toot: I suppose so.
Foxxy: Aw, Toot, I don't mean to lecture you. Tell you what. Why don't we set our parents up on that date and we'll let nature take its course. I'm sure things'll work out for the best.
Toot: Okay. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if we ended up being sisters.
Foxxy: That's the spirit! I'll go give my mom a call right now! (She exits. Toot stands there for a moment.)
Toot: No, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if Foxxy and I were sisters. (She turns toward the door defiantly.) It still ain't gonna happen, though! (Toot angrily sits down on the bed and continues to fume for a moment.)
(to be continued...)