DTBL episode 35: Game Night

[Raymond-Raymond]

GAME NIGHT

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where the housemates are gathered in the living room playing a board game. They sit in a circle in the order Hero, Foxxy, Ling-Ling, Clara, Toot, Xandir, Spanky, and Wooldoor going left. As the camera zooms in on them, we can see that the game they are playing is Balderdash. Everyone hands a card to Foxxy.

Toot (in confessional): After the emotional heaviness-

Clara: (from outside the door) Weight, Toot! Not heaviness- weight!

Toot (in confessional): Sorry. After the emotional WEIGHT of the last few episodes, we decided it was time to just relax and have some fun as a group. So we decided that we'd just sit around playing board games all night! I know that's not much of a plot, but... it's more of a plot than "Waiting for Timmy" had! And you guys liked THAT one, right?

The scene changes back to the game.

Foxxy: All right, everyone. The word is "cow". Here are the definitions y'all came up with. (She reads the first card.) Toot. (She reads the second card.) Toot. (She reads the third card.) Toot. That's very funny, y'all.

Spanky: Damn. And I thought I was being original.

Wooldoor: Spanky, you're not supposed to say which one is yours until we've voted!

Foxxy: Continuing... (She reads the fourth card.) Toot. Tell you what, why don't I speed this thing up? The last four cards say... (She quickly flips through the rest of the cards.) Toot... Toot... a domesticated ungulate quadruped of the family Bovidae... and... Toot.

Spanky: Wow, Toot. I'm impressed. I didn't realize you had words like "ungulate" in your vocabulary! Without assuming they're food-related, I mean.

Clara: I'm very offended at that, Spanky! In fact, I'm very offended at all of you!

Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Clara?

Clara: *I* was the one who wrote the "domesticated ungulate" definition, not Toot! Come on, who else in this house would know a word like "ungulate"?

Hero: Oh, I do! I used it in a short story I wrote once! "As Beverly slowly rolled her stockings off, her thighs ungulating with ecstasy-"

Clara: It's not a sexual term, Hero. It refers to animals with hooves.

Spanky: Knowing Hero, that could STILL be a sexual term! Am I right, Wooldoor? (He elbows Wooldoor, who responds by staring at Spanky coldly. Spanky becomes confused.) What?

Wooldoor: Spanky... know your audience.

Spanky: Sorry.

Foxxy: Captain Hero, I didn't know you wrote stuff!

Hero: Oh, yes, Foxxy! I'm a published author!

Clara: Captain Hero, getting a letter printed in Playboy does not make you a published author! (Toot leaps up in realization.)

Toot: Ooh! (She points at Hero.) I *knew* you were Bonerless in Baltimore! (She looks at Hero plaintively.) So did you ever find that redheaded Asian whore you wanted to stick it in?

Hero: (becomes sad) No, I didn't! (He begins sobbing.)

Clara: Wait a minute. (She turns to Toot.) YOU read Playboy?

Spanky: Wait a minute. (He turns to Toot.) They have ARTICLES in Playboy?

Foxxy: Wait. I'm confused.

Clara: Uh! (She points to Foxxy.) You owe me a dollar, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Right. Sorry. (She pulls a dollar out of her pants and hands it to Clara.)

Toot: That was pretty smart of you, Clara, to have your catchphrase copyrighted!

Clara: If I catch any of you saying "Oh, my!", that's TWO dollars you owe me!

Spanky: What about "Oh, my God"?

Xandir: Excuse me! That one's mine!

Spanky: No... yours is, "Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my"- well, you get the idea. I'm talking about, simply, "Oh, my God".

Clara: That's fine. But the "God" has to come right on the heels of the "my" or it doesn't count. I detect any sort of a pause after the "my"... that's two dollars.

Xandir: But if you say it while you're running around in circles, the money goes to ME!

Wooldoor: I tried to copyright MY catchphrase, but Nintendo beat me to it! Apparently their Wii and my "Wheeeeeeee!" sound exactly alike!

Toot: So does that mean every time you say "Wheeeeeeee!", you owe Nintendo royalties?

Wooldoor: Thankfully, I worked out a deal with them. I can still say "Wheeeeeeee!" as much I want, only now whenever I say it, they have to put the Nintendo Wii logo on the screen so it's considered advertising!

Spanky: Really?

Wooldoor: Yeah, watch! (He throws his arms up in the air.) Wheeeeeeee! (The Nintendo Wii logo comes on the screen for a moment.) See? (The logo fades. The housemates react with mild awe.)

Toot: Wow, that's neat! (They all nod for a moment.) So... what were we doing again?

Spanky: Foxxy was confused about something.

Foxxy: Oh, that's right. What I was confused about, Clara got all surprised when she found out Toot had read Captain Hero's letter in Playboy. What I want to know is, how did Clara even know Hero had written a letter to Playboy in the first place?

Clara: He asked me to proofread it.

Foxxy: (turns to Hero) You asked Clara to proofread your dirty letter? What were you thinking?

Hero: Well, Clara's good with grammar and words and stuff!

Foxxy: (to Clara) And you actually did it?

Clara: I wasn't doing it for me, Foxxy. I wasn't even doing it for Hero. And I certainly wasn't doing it for all those perverts I knew would be reading it! No, Foxxy, I was doing it for the English language.

Foxxy: Say what now?

Clara: If it wasn't for me, Hero's letter would have read something like- (She quickly reaches over behind Spanky and grabs a Playboy. She opens it up and begins reading.) "Dear Playboy. I like when girls show many stuff with boobs and are kissing at each other when it means they are almost attracted to each other. Why do people are racist and homophobic without involving many stuff?" (She hands the magazine to Spanky.) My heart just wouldn't let me inflict more terrible grammar like that on the world! (The housemates are all surprised.)

Toot: Oh, my God! Did Clara just read to us out of Playboy?

Spanky: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you people? (They all look at Spanky.) Do none of you realize this magazine has pictures of naked women in it? God- what do you think they make porn FOR? (He turns around. While he holds the magazine in one hand, we hear his pants unzip.)

Clara: Is he...?

Toot: Yup.

Clara: Ah. Thought so. (She turns to the others.) So... back to the game? (The others, minus Spanky, all nod. They start to resume the game, but Wooldoor interrupts.)

Wooldoor: Hold on a moment!

Toot: God, we're NEVER going to finish this game!

Wooldoor: We were all supposed to provide definitions for the word "cow", and everyone except one person wrote "Toot" on their card. And we thought that person was Toot, but it turned out to be Clara.

Toot: Long story short, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: If Clara was the only person who didn't write down "Toot"... then that means that Toot ALSO wrote down "Toot"! (Everyone looks at Toot in shock.)

Toot: What?

Clara: So now you're EMBRACING the fat jokes?

Toot: I have my reasons.

Clara: Like what? You're trying to get an endorsement deal from Borden?

Hero: Wait. One of those cards is the REAL definition that Foxxy wrote down! And since we know that the non-Toot card came from CLARA... that means...

Clara: You've got to be kidding me.

Foxxy: That's right! Everyone who wrote down "Toot" gets three points!

Toot: Woohoo!

Foxxy: Which means that everyone scores except Clara.

Spanky: That's nothing unusual.

Clara: Excuse me, Spanky. Weren't you masturbating?

Spanky: I can multi-task.

Xandir: Ooh! Can you teach me how to do that?

Spanky: Absolutely, Xandir! First of all, you take your penis ou- okay, you're way ahead of me on that one. Step two-

As Spanky continues instructing Xandir, Clara buries her face in her hands and sighs in frustration.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Clara: Okay, so whose turn is it to draw the next card?

Foxxy: Well, normally, play would proceed to the left, but since we're being all contrary about things tonight-

Toot: (throwing her arms in the air) We're rebels!

Foxxy: We'll go the right and let Captain Hero read the next card! (She hands Hero the box.)

Hero: Thank you, Foxxy. (He draws a card. A look of confusion crosses his face as he stuggles to read it.) Your word is- pa... new... mono... ultra... microwave... silicon... volcano... conniption-na... banana... nucleosis! There! I said it!

The room is in complete silence as everyone stares at Hero blankly. Spanky's jaw is wide open. After a moment, Wooldoor finally sticks his hand up.

Hero: Yes, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Could we hear the word again, please?

Hero: Absolutely! The word is panama-canal-ultraviolet-micromachine-silicon-vulcanized-

Foxxy: (grabbing the card from Hero's hand) Tell you what, Hero. Why don't we let Miss Vocabulary have this one? (She hands the card to Clara.)

Hero: (disappointed) Awwwwwww!

Clara: Okay, everyone. Your word is- (She looks at the card. Her eyes pop wide open.)- what I can only assume is the result of someone falling asleep on a typewriter! (A look of extreme confusion crosses her face.) Here, Ling-Ling, I think you'd better handle this one. (She hands the card to Ling-Ling.)

Ling-Ling: Okay, people. Word is "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis".

Again, there is silence. Everyone stares blankly once again.

Toot: Of course. Thanks for clearing that up for us, Ling-Ling.

Wooldoor: Could you use it in a sentence?

Ling-Ling looks at the card in confusion.

Ling-Ling: Oh, wait, Ling-Ling see what problem is! This card from the Asian preschool edition of the game!

Everyone suddenly nods in realization.

Spanky: Ahhhhh, okay.

Toot: That makes sense now.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling draw another card. (He puts the card back and draws another one.) New word is "Floccinaucinihilipilification." (Everyone stares blankly again.)

Clara: You know what, guys? I'm starting to get tired of Balderdash. Anyone feel like switching games now?

Everyone nods vigorously except Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling shrugs and puts the card back in the box. Foxxy packs the game up and puts it away.

Foxxy: All right, so what do you all want to play now?

Toot: Oh, I know! How about Taboo? (There is a general murmur of agreement amongst the housemates.)

Xandir: Oh, I *love* Taboo!

Spanky: That's ironic! (Toot gets the game out and begins setting it up.)

Wooldoor: So how do you play this?

Foxxy: It's real simple, Wooldoor. All you gotta do is get your partner to guess the word that's at the top of your card. The only catch is, you have to do it without saying any of the OTHER words on the card!

Wooldoor: I think I get it! So if the word is... (he pulls out a card)... "cow", I have to get my partner to say "cow" without saying... (looks at the list of taboo words)... "milk", "beef", "udder", "live action", or "Toot"!

Foxxy: That's right!

Toot (in confessional): (frustrated) Did no one at Milton Bradley watch the "Toot Goes Bollywood" episode at all?

Wooldoor: That was fun, Foxxy! I think I'm really going to like this game! Wheeeeeeeeeee! (The Nintendo Wii logo pops up on the screen, then fades.) So how do we choose partners?

Foxxy: We'll do like they do on Survivor and separate it by races!

Clara: Cause that worked out reeeeeeeeeally well for them!

Foxxy: Okay, we'll put the sarcastic white bitches on one team- that'd be Toot and Clara.

Toot: Thanks, Foxxy. I don't think we could have pieced that one together on our own.

Foxxy: Now us black people gotta stick together, so me and Xandir will be another team!

Xandir: Um, Foxxy? I'm not black.

Foxxy: You're not black? Then what are you?

Clara: Skin cancer waiting to happen!

Xandir: Um, no, Foxxy. I'm an elf.

Foxxy: An elf? What's that?

Xandir: It's a magical creature, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Oh, you mean like fairies? (Spanky snickers.)

Spanky: (trying to stifle a laugh) Not even gonna touch that one!

Xandir: I guess so.

Foxxy: Now the two yellow people can be another team. That'd be Wooldoor and Ling-Ling!

Wooldoor: Awwwwwww! I wanna be Captain Hero's partner!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, you're messing up the color scheme I got going!

Spanky: Not really, Foxxy. Remember that time we thought we had a mouse?

Foxxy: Oh, yeah. It took us forever to patch that Hero-shaped hole in the ceiling! All right, Wooldoor. You and Hero can be partners!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee! (The Nintendo Wii logo appears on the screen, then fades.)

Foxxy: And I guess the last team will be Spanky and Ling-Ling, on account of they's the ones who's left!

Spanky: (to Ling-Ling) Hop over here, my man! We got this one in the bag! (Ling-Ling hops across the game board and sits down next to Spanky. Spanky begins taunting the others.) We're gonna wipe the floor with you guys!

Toot: (points at Spanky) Oh, yeah? Well, we're gonna wipe the floor with YOU!

Hero: (points at Toot) Oh, yeah? Well, we're gonna wipe the floor with YOU!

Wooldoor: (points at Hero) Oh, yeah? Well, we're gonna wipe the floor with YOU!

Hero: Wooldoor, I'm on your team!

Wooldoor: Oh. Well, if one of us secedes, I'm gonna wipe the floor with you!

Clara: This may be the worst trash talking I've ever heard!

Wooldoor: So how do we decide who goes first, Foxxy?

Foxxy: I know! Why don't we each tell our deepest, darkest sexual fetish, and whoever's is the kinkiest gets to go first!

Clara: I am not going last AGAIN!

Spanky: Yeah, but you've got Toot on your side. I mean, she's KINDA kinky. I think.

Clara: No, Spanky, Foxxy was right. Toot talks a big game, but deep down she's almost as vanilla as me.

Toot: Hey, I've done some pretty kinky stuff in my time!

Spanky: Because you wanted to... or because you were so desperate for sex you'd take it anyway you could get it?

Toot: That's not funny, Spanky! (She covers her face with her hands and begins sobbing.)

Clara: Now see what you did, Spanky? You made Toot cry! That's three episodes in a row now! (Clara puts her arm around Toot to comfort her and gives Spanky a scowl.) You're a meanie!

Spanky: (remorseful) Gosh... I'm sorry, Toot. I don't know what to say. Can you ever forgive me? (Clara withdraws her arm.)

Toot: (still sniffling a little) Well... maybe. Can I have that popsicle you're eating?

Spanky: My popsicle? But it's the last one!

Toot: I know. But I really like popsicles, Spanky! (still sniffling, but trying to perk up) So can I have it?

Spanky: Oh, Toot. (He walks over to Toot and puts his arm around her shoulder. He begins speaking to her in a very calm and sympathetic manner.) You know I'd gladly give you my popsicle any time if it was what would make you happy. The thing is... I know you're faking this whole crying thing just so I'll give it to you. So I love you, Toot... but no.

Toot: (stops crying) Ah, well, it was worth a shot!

Spanky walks back over to his side of the board and resumes eating his popsicle. Xandir stares at Spanky for a moment with the popsicle in his mouth.

Spanky: (to Xandir) What?

Xandir: This is reminding me of something. I just can't think of what!

Foxxy: Okay, so who wants to go first?

Hero: Oh, I will! My deepest, darkest fetish involves some bowling pins, a weedeater, and a giant tub of hot Mexican salsa!

Xandir: Wait a minute! Is that why I found Salma Hayek in our bedroom last night?

Spanky: No, actually, that was me, Xandir. I was the one who was using her last night.

Xandir: Oh, okay.

Wooldoor: Spanky, do I have to tell you again, whenever you use Salma Hayek, remember to put her back where she came from! Which is not my bed!

Spanky: Sorry.

Xandir: Okay, my turn! MY deepest, darkest fetish involves-

Clara: Let me guess. Something going up your ass!

Xandir: Ah, but what, though? Can anyone guess?

Toot: Fernando!

Spanky: Zac Efron!

Foxxy: Matthew McConaughey!

Hero: A Boeing 747!

Xandir: No! (He points at Hero.) But that's a good one!

Wooldoor: The Statue of Liberty!

Toot: The Denver Broncos!

Foxxy: Fried rice!

Hero: Tori Spelling!

Clara: God, I can't believe we're actually guessing at this!

Xandir: Nope! Give up?

Spanky: We give up, Xandir. What is it that you want to stick up your ass?

Toot: What DOESN'T he want to stick up his ass?

Xandir: Ding ding ding! Toot wins! The correct answer was- the thing I most want to stick up my ass is... everything!

Toot: Yay! So what do I win?

Xandir: I don't know! (He becomes confused.) What were we doing again?

Spanky: We were trying to decide who goes first.

Foxxy: Let's just do this, y'all. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. Y'all each say a number, and whoever is the closest gets to go first!

Toot: Do you remember what order the numbers go in, Foxxy?

Foxxy: (glares at Toot) Yes, Toot. I remember what order the numbers go in!

Wooldoor: (disappointed) So we're not playing weirdest fetish anymore?

Clara: I had that thing with the car crashes once. Does that count?

Spanky: Clara, any fetish that eventually causes you to have a nervous breakdown over it... I don't think we can count it for this game.

Clara: Poo.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling like used schoolgirl panties! That weird?

Toot: Not particularly.

Ling-Ling: Feet?

Hero: Sorry. Way too common.

Foxxy: I thought we wasn't playing this anymore!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling secret desire to take Carla to Hello Kitty S&M room and lick her all over while dressed as Sailor Moon?

The housemates all look at each other.

Toot: (to Foxxy) Well? What do you think?

Foxxy: I don't know if it's the KINKIEST fetish in the room, but... I gotta give him points for creativity. All right, Ling-Ling. You and Spanky can go first!

Spanky: Woohoo!

Ling-Ling takes the cards and prepares to play. Clara leans over to Ling-Ling.

Clara: Um, Ling-Ling? (He looks at her.) Would *I* dress up as Sailor Moon? Or would *you* do that?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling dress as Sailor Moon! What Carla take Ling-Ling for? A pervert?

Clara: Just checking.

Foxxy: Okay, y'all, let's get into position. Looks like we is finally ready to play!

Clara and Toot scoot to their left. Xandir walks around and sits down between Foxxy and Clara. Hero/Wooldoor and Spanky/Ling-Ling are already in position.

Foxxy: Okay. Ling-Ling will read to Spanky. Wooldoor will watch Ling-Ling to see if he uses any of the taboo words. (She hands Wooldoor a buzzer.) And I'll watch the timer! (She picks up the timer.) Y'all ready? (Everyone nods.) Okay... go!

Foxxy activates the timer and the game begins. Ling-Ling begins drawing cards and reading them.

Ling-Ling: Pasowasa biktik pasimase bayoshiyok!

Spanky: A hospital!

Ling-Ling: Collect! (He draws the next card.) Hasukowa ring-ring a seipo-san!

Spanky: A Geiger counter!

Ling-Ling: Collect! (He draws the next card.) Mashubawa hasikoboy... Paris Hirton!

Spanky: The Space Mountain ride at Disneyworld!

Ling-Ling: Collect!

Toot: Oh, now, this isn't fair! Spanky's taking advantage of the fact that he's the only one who can understand Ling-Ling's language!

Xandir: I didn't even know Ling-Ling could turn off his subtitles!

Spanky: Don't mind them, Ling-Ling. Just keep going!

Ling-Ling: Abowawa se yomama-san nice eggroll prease!

Spanky: William the Conqueror!

Ling-Ling: Collect!

Ling-Ling: Chocolate animal woman.

Spanky: Booty!

Ling-Ling: Collect!

Foxxy: And... time!

Spanky: Way to go, little man! We did great that round!

Wooldoor: Ling-Ling, why did you say "collect" every time Spanky got one right?

Hero: Maybe he meant that he and Spanky were COLLECTING points!

Toot: Or maybe Ling-Ling is the new spokesperson for 1-800-COLLECT!

Foxxy: Actually, you guys, I think he was just saying "correct". (Ling-Ling nods.)

Hero: Oh.

Foxxy: Okay, Hero and Wooldoor, it's your turn now. I'll buzz, and Toot can watch the timer.

Toot: Hey, that's not fair! I wanna trade!

Foxxy: I meant I'll work the buzzer, Toot.

Toot: Ohhhhhhh.

Everyone gets into position. Foxxy hands Toot the timer. Wooldoor takes the cards while Foxxy looks over his shoulder with the buzzer.

Toot: Okay! Aaaaaaaaaaaaand... go! (She starts the timer.)

Wooldoor: (begins reading) This is what you-

Hero: Credit card!

Wooldoor: (taken aback) Um... correct. (He draws the next card.)

Hero: Sperm bank!

Wooldoor: (surprised again) Correct! (He draws the next card.)

Hero: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!

Wooldoor: Correct! (He draws the next card.)

Hero: Fish!

Wooldoor: Correct!

Toot: Hey, that's not fair! Hero's using his X-ray vision to cheat!

Hero: I am not using my X-ray vision to cheat! I swear!

Clara: Then how do you know what the answers are before Wooldoor even gives you any clues?

Hero: I'm really, really good!

Spanky: Oh, come off it, Hero! You're using your X-ray vision to read the answers!

Hero: I'm not, I promise.

Foxxy: Captain Hero... you wouldn't lie to me, would you?

Hero: Of course not, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Now you understand if I find out you're lying to me, I'm going to be very upset. You understand that?

Hero: I understand.

Foxxy: Hero... is you using your X-ray vision to read the answers on the cards?

Hero: Foxxy, I promise you. I am not using my X-ray vision to cheat!

Foxxy: Thank you, Hero. I believe you.

Hero: Thank you, Foxxy.

Clara and Toot look at each other in utter disbelief. Xandir just stares ahead blankly. Spanky calmly steps forward.

Spanky: Hey, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Yes, Spanky?

Spanky: Ask him if he's using his mind-reading powers to read Wooldoor's MIND for the answers!

Hero: Damn you, Spanky! (Clara and Toot nod in realization. Xandir continues to stare in confusion. Hero realizes his faux pas and looks around nervously.) Um... I mean... no. I'm not reading Wooldoor's mind. (hastily) Next card, please, Wooldoor! (He wipes his brow and breathes a sigh of relief.) Whew! Saved it!

Toot: Your turn is over, Hero. The timer ran out, like, five minutes ago.

Hero: Oh, well, it was a good run. Who's next?

Xandir: Oh! Me me me me!

Foxxy: We're next, Hero. Hand me the cards. (Hero takes the cards from Wooldoor and hands them to Foxxy.)

Xandir: No, Foxxy! I'm next!

Foxxy: Xandir, we're teammates.

Xandir: I know, but I'm really egotistical!

Spanky: He has to practice his whining, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Okay, now, Xandir. Would you rather give or receive?

Everyone begins to titter. Clara very visibly stifles a laugh.

Spanky: Wow! Even Clara got THAT double entendre!

Xandir: I'd rather receive, Foxxy.

Toot: Well, I could have told you THAT!

Foxxy: Okay. I'll read. Toot can buzz. (She reaches over to hand Toot the buzzer, but sees that Toot is now chugging a bottle of booze.) Not that kind of buzz, Toot.

Toot: Sorry, Foxxy, but you really should have been more clear about that!

Foxxy: And Spanky can watch the timer. (She hands Spanky the timer.)

Spanky: (setting the timer) Aaaaaaaaaaand... go! (He starts the timer.)

Foxxy: (looking at first card) You put this in yo' ass.

Xandir: A cucumber!

Foxxy: Correct! (She draws the next card.) You also put this in yo' ass.

Xandir: A potato!

Foxxy: Correct! (She draws the next card.) You put this in yo' vagina.

Xandir: A ham sandwich!

Foxxy: Correct! (Toot hits Xandir.)

Xandir: Ow!

Toot: Bastard.

Foxxy: (She draws the next card.) Okay, you put this in yo' ass. (Toot buzzes her.)

Toot: Sorry, Foxxy! You can't say ass!

Clara: Wait a minute. Ass is actually on the card?

Toot: That's right!

Foxxy: That's okay. I just gotta remember to pay more attention next time. In case y'all were curious, the answer was "pineapple".

Everyone except Foxxy and Xandir winces and covers their bottom with their hand.

Xandir: Come on, Foxxy! Keep going!

Foxxy: All right. (She draws the next card.) You put this in yo' boyfriend's ass.

Xandir: Um, your thumb? Your penis? Um...

Foxxy: You can also put yo' penis in it.

Xandir: A mayonnaise jar?

Foxxy: It has four legs.

Xandir: The kitchen table?

Foxxy: You put it in yo' boyfriend's ass.

Xandir: Oh! Lindsay Lohan!

Foxxy: No... yo' BOYFRIEND'S ass.

Xandir: (suddenly realizing) Ohhhhhhh. Of course. Paris Hilton's dog!

Foxxy: Correct!

Spanky: Aaaaaaaaaaand... time!

Xandir: Woohoo! I think we won!

Toot: Xandir, where would you be if they hadn't invented the ass?

Xandir: Toot, I don't even want to IMAGINE such a world!

Toot: Well, Clara, looks like we're up. (There is no answer.) Clara? (Toot turns to her right. She sees Clara's dress and shoes sitting beside her.) Oh, God, looks like you guys did it again! (She sighs and turns toward the corner.) Clara?

The camera pans to the corner. We see Clara in her sack dress praying.

Foxxy: Clara? You okay?

Clara: No time to talk, Foxxy. Must... get... that last round out of my mind!

Spanky: I think we need to quit playing Taboo, guys.

Toot: That is one ironically named game!

Clara: Xandir... such... a pervert... he's got me... talking like Shatner... God, help me!

Wooldoor: Can I be Dr. McCoy?

Foxxy: Clara? We're going to quit playing Taboo now. Come on back, we'll play something else.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Clara gets up and walks back over to the group. She sits back down between Toot and Xandir.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Clara: (now cheerful again) Allrighty! So what are we playing now?

Spanky: What else do we have over there, Foxxy?

Foxxy: (looking through the board games) Hmm... what about Clue? (There is mild enthusiasm from the group.)

Clara: I could get on board with that.

Spanky: Yeah, Clue sounds good!

Xandir: I want Colonel Mustard to give it to ME in the ballroom with the lead pipe!

Foxxy: (opening the box) Uh oh. Looks like we got a problem, guys. (She shows the group the scant contents of the box.) Looks like some of the pieces are gone!

Hero: Then let's play Risk! (Foxxy opens the Risk box and scowls.) That one no good either? (Foxxy shakes her head no.) Dammit!

Toot: Just give Xandir a rectal exam! I bet we'll find all the missing pieces THAT way!

Clara: If THAT'S where the pieces have been, I'm not playing!

Foxxy: That's okay, y'all! We'll just do back what we did in the projects! We'll combine the two games together into one big game! I bet if we put all the pieces of both games together, we'll have enough pieces to play something!

Hero: Now Colonel Mustard can be a real colonel!

As Foxxy begins setting up the game, the camera zooms in on a closeup of the game board and pans across it is the voiceover plays. Music such as can be heard in a Civil War documentary plays in the background.

Wooldoor: (voiceover) So the armies mobilized for battle. The first army, the Sarcastic White Bitches, led by General Braunstein and Major Ling, fortified Europe. The second army, the Central Superpowers, under the command of Colonel Hero and Private Sockbat, held the Middle East. The third army, the Commie Pinkos, led by Sergeant Ham and Emperor Hirohito-Ling, stationed themselves in Asia, while the fourth army, the Ass Freaks, inserted themselves in Uranus.

Xandir: (offscreen) Foxxy and I are in Africa, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: (voiceover) Sorry. I meant Africa. The brave leaders mobilized their troops and chose their weapons. The Sarcastic White Bitches took the candlestick.

Toot: (offscreen) Candlesticks are shiny!

Wooldoor: (voiceover) The Central Superpowers chose the lead pipe.

Hero: (offscreen) Why can't you smoke this damn thing?

Wooldoor: (voiceover) The Commie Pinkos chose the revolver.

Ling-Ling: (offscreen) Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun!

Spanky: (offscreen) Haven't you said that one already?

Wooldoor: (voiceover) And the Ass Freaks chose the rope.

Foxxy: (offscreen, annoyed) Xandir! Quit trying to autoerotically asphyxiate yo'self!

Xandir: (offscreen) Awwwwwww!

Wooldoor: (voiceover) Their troops in place, the game began.

The voiceover and the music both end. The scene changes back to the standard view of the housemates.

Toot: Okay, Clara and I are attacking Cuba!

Spanky: That's ridiculous, Toot! Nobody has any troops in Cuba!

Toot: Then we win automatically! (Toot puts an army in Cuba.)

Clara: (to Toot) Remember our plan, Toot. Once we secure a stronghold in each continent, we move in on Israel so we can spread Christianity to the Jews!

Toot: I'm gonna have to veto that plan, Clara.

Clara: But why? Oh, right, cause you're Jewish.

Toot: Yeah.

Clara: Darn! What good is conquering the world if we can't inflict our religion on millions of helpless people?

Toot: It's okay, Clara. If it makes you feel any better, we can still go after the Muslims!

Clara: You're right, Toot. The Muslims hate BOTH of us, don't they? (Toot nods. Clara points to Spanky.) You're going down, pig!

Cut to Spanky and Ling-Ling setting up. Ling-Ling has taken all the houses and hotels out of a Monopoly set and is arranging them along the Chinese border.

Spanky: Ling-Ling, what are you doing? How is this going to help us win the game?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling do like ancestors did and build great wall! Keep out hordes of invading Mongols!

Spanky: Well, that's great, Ling-Ling, if they attack us by land. But what if they attack by sea?

Ling-Ling: Ah! That where secret weapon come into play! (Ling-Ling takes out a large Godzilla action figure and sets it down in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)

Wooldoor: So what's OUR strategy, Hero?

Hero: We hold the Middle East, Wooldoor, so we hold the oil! If they dare try to attack us, we'll cut off their supply line and they'll get no more oil!

Spanky: Hey, um, we just took over Alaska, so we have oil now too.

Clara: Oh, my God, Spanky, you're not drilling for oil in Alaska! How horrible!

Spanky: Oh, what, like all the seals and moose are going to put up a fuss about it?

Clara: Well, you know what? We're claiming Canada! (She moves several armies into Canada.) Try to drill for oil NOW, big boy!

Xandir: (freaking out) Oh, my God, everything is a double entendre tonight!

Wooldoor: We need to start claiming more territory, Captain Hero!

Hero: I know! We'll attack France!

Foxxy: Sorry. We already claimed France!

Spanky: Well, we claimed it first!

Clara: So did we!

Toot: Those French people are such whores! They'll surrender to anybody!

Foxxy: Oh, Ling-Ling... you might want to look at the board for a moment... (Ling-Ling looks. His eyes nearly pop out of their sockets.)

Ling-Ling: Yoko Ono!

We see that Foxxy has driven a hole through Ling-Ling's wall. She marches her army into China.

Foxxy: Foxxy Love is in the house!

Spanky: Oh, yeah? Well, we're going to drive you right back where you came from with the power of our navy! Godzilla- get them! (Nothing happens.) Godzilla?

The camera cuts to the ocean. The Godzilla figure is being mounted by a large action figure of Xandir.

Ling-Ling: (horrified) Oh... humanity!

Foxxy moves the rest of her armies into Asia.

Foxxy: And y'all is officially decimated! The Ass Freaks has just conquered the Commie Pinkos!

Spanky: (to Ling-Ling) Maybe we shouldn't have drowned all our girl baby armies. (Ling-Ling nods.)

Foxxy: All right, y'all, that's three of us left in the game. Whose turn is it?

Hero: Our turn, Foxxy! (Hero rolls a die. He moves his army token six countries to the north.) All right. I'll guess... Mrs. White... in Uzbekistan... with the hand grenade!

Toot: Sorry! We have the hand grenade! (She shows Hero a hand grenade card.)

Foxxy: Your turn, Toot.

Toot rolls. She moves her army token three countries to the west.

Toot: We'll guess... Professor Plum... in Liechtenstein... with... a silent coup!

Toot and Clara immediately mobilize their armies and advance them to Liechtenstein. However, as soon as they do so, Captain Hero holds a card out in front of them. The card features Mr. Green.

Hero: Uh uh uh! Mr. Green is leading a counter-revolution against you! With... the wrench! (Holding both the Mr. Green card and the wrench, Hero swats Toot's army figure away.)

Toot: Damn! We almost had Liechtenstein!

Clara: That's okay. We get a chance, we'll nuke them later.

Foxxy: Major Ling! You mean to tell me that you would use nuclear warfare? Why, you'll destroy the entire population of Liechtenstein!

Toot: That's okay, Foxxy. We'll make apologies to those six people's families later.

Foxxy: Well, I'm not gonna let you all get away with that! I'm playing the No Nukes card! (She puts down a card. The card has a picture of a nuclear warhead in a circle with a line through it and a caption reading "No Nukes!".)

Toot and Clara: (simultaneously, in horror) No! Not the No Nukes card!

Foxxy: Yes! The No Nukes card!

Hero: Not so fast, Foxxy- the No Nukes card isn't valid unless you sing a protest song while you play it!

Foxxy: No problem! (She gets out a guitar and begins to sing as she strums it.) How many roads must a brother walk down, before you can call him a brother... the answerrr y'all... is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind... (At this point, Foxxy begins strumming the guitar wildly. She gets up and begins acting like Hendrix, getting down on her knees and playing the guitar with her teeth.) YEAH YEAH YEAH, the AAAAAAANSWER, Y'ALL- BABY!

Clara: Okay, Foxxy, you win! We'll dismantle our nukes! (Foxxy sits back down.)

Foxxy: (smugly) They could have used me during the Cuban Missile Crisis!

Hero: So whose turn is it now?

Wooldoor: I think it's our turn, Captain Hero.

Hero: Good! (to group) I'm going to stage an amphibious invasion of Kuwait!

Wooldoor: Captain Hero, we already hold Kuwait.

Hero: Perfect! They'll never suspect a thing!

Toot: Well, Clara and I just took over Romania!

Xandir: That's fine! Foxxy and I will attack the Vatican!

Clara: You already do, Xandir. Every day of your life!

Foxxy: Now hang on just a second, y'all! It's my turn now! And I'm gonna guess Colonel Mustard in Bolivia with the band of mercenaries!

Toot: Colonel Mustard is dead, Foxxy!

Clara: He was killed in a reverse counter-coup by Ecuadorian guerrilla fighters!

Xandir: That's silly! How can you train a monkey to hold a gun?

Foxxy: (to Clara and Toot) Y'all feel free to take him hostage if you want.

Toot: No, thanks!

Ling-Ling hops over the table into Clara's lap.

Ling-Ling: Now that Ling-Ling army defeated, Ling-Ling defect and join Sarcastic White Bitches!

Toot: Yayyyyyyy!

Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Ling-Ling? Xandir and I captured you! You is our POW!

Clara: Well, we staged a rescue mission! So there!

Xandir: Can't we at least engage in some hostage negotiations or something?

Hero: We don't negotiate with terrorists! (He turns to Foxxy.) We captured Spanky, by the way. (Foxxy looks over and sees that Spanky is sitting on Wooldoor's lap.)

Spanky: I'm pretty sure this is illegal under the terms of the Geneva Convention!

Wooldoor: Just shut up or I'll put you back in your bamboo cage, bitch! (He cocks a revolver to Spanky's head.)

Spanky: (submissively) Yes, sir.

Clara: That's okay, Spanky. We rescued Ling-Ling, we can rescue you, too!

Foxxy: Now hold on a second! What's the good of capturing people if other people is just gonna come along behind you and capture them again?

Toot: We're not capturing, Foxxy. We're rescuing!

Wooldoor: Just like we didn't destroy Baghdad with a hydrogen bomb- we merely reallocated the civilian population into a subterranean living zone!

Clara: Hey, that's not fair! WE were going to destroy Baghdad!

Xandir: I'm holding Godzilla hostage! (holds Godzilla figure in the air) Anyone want to rescue him?

Toot: We do, Xandir!

Xandir: I'll ransom him for butt secks!

Toot: Never mind.

Foxxy: Now I know what made Godzilla roar like he did!

Wooldoor: I'm hungry! Can I have my bowl of rice now?

Toot: Sorry! We hold Asia, we hold all the rice!

Xandir: I thought we held Asia!

Toot: We took it over.

Foxxy: Now hold on, y'all. I'm confused! (Clara points a finger at Foxxy.) I didn't put "wait" in front of it, Clara. I don't owe you any money.

Clara: Well, this big war debt sure ain't gonna pay for itself!

Wooldoor: I think this game has descended into chaos!

Clara: Sorry. We took over Chaos ten minutes ago with our tanks!

Foxxy: Now hold on, y'all! Just hold on! (Everyone stops.) Now let me get this straight. Who holds what areas?

Toot: Clara and I hold Asia.

Hero: No, you don't. Wooldoor and I took that over while you were arguing.

Wooldoor: And we hold Australia, too!

Spanky: Sorry, Wooldoor. I sold Australia to Foxxy while you were holding me hostage. I'm secretly a spy for the Ass Freaks!

Clara: Well, I'm a counterspy for the Commie Pinkos! And when we captured Ling-Ling-

Toot: Rescued.

Clara: When we rescued Ling-Ling, he sold me all their military secrets! We now have bases in every country in the world!

Wooldoor: (panicking) Even Djibouti?

Toot: Especially Djibouti!

Foxxy: Well, *I* organized a band of Rwandan rebels and had them attack every city on the map. So now WE own the whole world!

Spanky: Well, I bought the world on the black market and sold it on ebay and made thirty-five dollars!

Wooldoor: And I was the one who bought it, so now *I* own the world! (He turns to Captain Hero.) Can I borrow thirty-five dollars? (Hero reaches into his pocket.)

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling say how can one own a country? Land belong to all of us! It part of the spirit that dwell within us all!

Spanky: Oh, God, now Ling-Ling's gone all hippie on us! (He turns to the group.) You see, people? This is what war does to our children!

Clara: You know what? I just remembered I'm a pacifist! I don't believe in war anyway!

Hero: Clara, I didn't know you were French!

Xandir: I just want someone to stick their bayonet up my ass!

Foxxy: That's it. I'm seceding from the Ass Freaks! Captain Hero, I'm joining YOUR side!

Toot: Hey, now they have four people and we only have three! That's not fair, they outnumber us now!

Xandir: You can capture ME, Toot, and then the sides will be even!

Clara and Toot look at each other.

Toot: White flag?

Clara: (nods) White flag.

Toot reaches behind under her skirt and pulls off her underwear. She holds it up in the air waving it around.

Toot: We surrender to the Central Superpowers!

Hero: You sure do!

Spanky: Great impression of a Frenchman, Toot!

Wooldoor: Captain Hero, is it frowned on to have sex with the hostages?

Hero: Only if the hostages are not hot chicks, Wooldoor.

Foxxy: I guess it's official, then. The Central Superpowers win the game!

Wooldoor and Hero: (cheering) Yayyyyyyyy!

Spanky: (to Wooldoor) Can I get off your lap now?

Wooldoor: Well... I guess it IS time to begin Reconstruction! (Wooldoor shoves Spanky away.) Back where you came from, carpetbagger!

Hero: (still cheering) Yay! We won!

Clara: Not so fast, Hero! You still have to guess who the murderer was!

Hero and Wooldoor nod in realization, then turn to each other. They whisper for a moment, then turn back to the group.

Wooldoor: All right. We are going to say...

Hero: Miss Scarlet...

Wooldoor: In Guatemala...

Hero: With the undead army of pitchfork-wielding zombie leprechauns!

Foxxy opens the envelope containing the game cards. She spreads them out on the table. The cards hold, in order, Miss Scarlet, Guatemala, and the undead army of pitchfork-wielding zombie leprechauns.

Foxxy: Congratulations, Hero. Y'all win!

Wooldoor: (throwing his arms in the air) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (The Nintendo Wii logo appears on the screen, then fades.)

Hero: Booyah! The Central Superpowers win again!

Wooldoor: We're an unbeatable team, Captain Hero!

Hero: That's right, my trusty sidekick. This is one team that knows how to kick some ass!

Wooldoor: Now let's find Carmen Sandiego!

Clara: (sighing) Oh, well. At least this war didn't have any casualties.

Toot: Guess again. (She points over to Xandir, who is lying sprawled out on the floor, completely motionless. His head is completely bound with rope.)

Foxxy: I told that jive ass to quit trying to autoerotically asphyxiate hisself!

Toot: It's okay, Foxxy. He'll come back in the next episode.

Foxxy nods and begins to put the game back up.

Foxxy: Well, that was fun, y'all! You guys feel like playing another game? (By now, everyone is tired.)

Clara: That's all for me tonight, Foxxy.

Wooldoor: Me too. I am beat!

Spanky: (getting up and clapping) Good game, good game, everybody!

Toot: So... same time next week?

Hero: Sounds good to me!

Clara: Me too!

Toot: Perfect! (By now, everyone else except Xandir has gotten up and is stretching their legs. Toot points at the others.) Next week- the Sarcastic White Bitches will have their revenge!

Spanky: Of course you will, Toot. Of course you will.

Clara picks up Ling-Ling. Everyone begins walking off.

Hero: (as he and Foxxy are walking up the stairs) Hey, Foxxy! You want to play naked Twister one-on-one?

Foxxy: I thought you'd never ask!

Hero and Foxxy exit upstairs. Toot turns the lights off and follows them up. By this point, everyone else has left the room also. The living room is silent for a moment. The camera pans across the empty room, finally stopping on Xandir. The shot lingers on Xandir's lifeless body for a moment. Finally, we hear an electronic jingle. Xandir finally respawns. Completely replenished, he stands up.

Xandir: Ooh! That was fun! I'll have to try that again sometime! (He looks around.) Where is everyone? (He walks over to the light switch and turns it on. He calls out.) Hey, guys! Guys? (A confused look crosses his face.) Is game night over? Guys? Come on, you guys, get back down here! I wanna play a game with somebody! (There is still silence. Xandir continues to look around. Finally, he accepts that no one is listening to him.) No one wants to play with me. (He sighs.) Well... I guess that means I'll just have to play with myself!

Grabbing Godzilla, Xandir walks over to the stack of board games. He turns his back to the games and wiggles his ass. With his ass in the air, he reaches behind his back and pulls out... the Risk box. He sits down, opens the box and begins setting up the game on the table. He puts Godzilla down on the table next to the game board. Xandir rolls the dice and moves his army token.

Xandir: Your turn, Godzilla!

Grasping both Godzilla arm and the dice in his right hand, Xandir "rolls" for Godzilla. He moves Godzilla's army token. Xandir picks up Godzilla.

Xandir: (as Godzilla) Roar! I'm invading your territory, Xandir! Roar, again! (He puts down Godzilla.) Playing with myself is fun!

Xandir rolls the dice again and continues playing both sides of the game. The scene fades.


THE END