DTBL episode 36: Cataracts of Jealousy

[Raymond-Raymond]

CATARACTS OF JEALOUSY

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior where we see Toot and Marty sitting on the couch with a very large binder on the table in front of them. Gathered around the two are Foxxy, Clara, Wooldoor, Spanky, and Ling-Ling.

Toot: Clara, you and Foxxy can sing at the wedding on one condition. You play guitar and sing naked like you did in the clip show.

Clara: Um... I didn't know you were into that, Toot.

Toot: I'm just trying to make sure my wedding's well-attended, okay? Now then, next order of business-

Wooldoor: I wanna be in charge of the food!

Marty: But Wooldoor, you're already going to be performing the ceremony! Do you think you can do that AND cater?

Wooldoor: Sure! I can just wear my priest robe under my catering jacket and then take it off when the time comes!

Clara: So the theme of this wedding is disrobing, apparently?

Foxxy: Hey, now that's an idea! (She leans over to Toot.) Y'all could be the first couple ever to consummate your marriage before you even get out of the church!

Spanky: No, they won't. That would be me and MY wife.

Toot: Oh, really? (eagerly) So how did you guys get away with it? Could you give me some pointers?

Clara: Toot? Try to save SOME nudity for the honeymoon. Okay?

Toot: Right. Of course. (She leans over to Marty and whispers.) I'm going to wear a HUGE wedding dress. If I get Ling-Ling to make certain alterations, I think I'll be able to hide you under it.

Marty: (whispering) Will I have access to everything? (Toot nods.) Cool, thanks!

Toot: (whispering) No, thank YOU for being almost as short as Spanky! (Spanky raises his eyebrows and leans over to Ling-Ling.)

Spanky: (whispering) Hey, Ling-Ling, can I be present when you design Toot's wedding dress? (Ling-Ling looks confused.)

Toot: Okay, I think that about covers the preliminaries. So if nobody has any further questions- (Clara holds up her hand.) Yes, Clara?

Clara: Yes, Toot. I have a question.

Toot: I assumed as much from the fact that you stuck your hand up when I asked if anybody had any questions.

Clara: Yes. Well, anyway. You seem to have this wedding very well prepared. You've got a location picked out, you've chosen a minister- kinda by default, but no matter. You've hired entertainment, chosen a caterer, and even found someone to design your wedding dress. But there's one key position you haven't filled yet.

Toot: You're right, Clara. I need someone to patrol the crowd and quiet down all the people who try to say, "A white wedding dress? Who's she kidding?"! (She turns to Marty.) I have a certain reputation. (Marty looks at her questioningly.) Well, in India, at least.

Foxxy: Toot, what I think Clara was getting at was that you haven't chosen your maid of honor yet!

Toot: Oh, that's right, I haven't.

Foxxy: So which one of us are you going to choose?

Toot: What makes you so sure it's going to be one of you two?

Clara: Name one female friend you have outside this house. Actually, strike that. Name one FRIEND you have outside this house.

Toot: Point taken.

Foxxy: So who is it?

Toot: Hmmm... you know what? You two just fight to the death over it. I'll take whoever's still standing.

Clara: Oh, this is ridiculous.

Foxxy: (to Clara) You're only saying that cause you know you'll lose.

Clara: Come on, Toot! I thought we were buddies now! Didn't we say that we were best friends forever?

Toot: That's true. We did.

Foxxy: Now hold on a second there. Now it's true that you and Clara are friends NOW. But Clara hasn't always been nice to you. And the Foxxy has ALWAYS supported you!

Clara: Even that time you locked her in the closet?

Foxxy: Well, what about the time you tried to have her kicked out of the house?

Clara: I got murdered and hung from a towel rack for that, Foxxy. I think it's safe to say I got my comeuppance for that one.

Foxxy: Yes, but you never apologized!

Clara: I did! They just didn't show it on TV!

Foxxy: Be that as it may!

Clara: (to Toot) We were in bed together once, Toot!

Foxxy: (to Toot) So were WE!

Clara: (to Toot) But WE made out!

Foxxy: (to Toot) *I* told you I loved you!

Spanky: (cradling his forehead) Whoa, sensory overload! I got a year's worth of spank material entering my brain all at once here!

Clara: Come on, Toot. I know I treated you badly at first, but I tried to make it up to you when we became friends! Really, I did! And I can't think of any better way to pay you back for all my abuse than to be your maid of honor and make sure you have the best wedding possible!

Toot: (touched) I suppose you're right, Clara. I guess I never thought of it like that! (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, I'm sorry. But I think I'm going to let Clara be my maid of honor. (Clara pumps her fists in triumph.) You understand, right?

Foxxy: Yes, Toot. I understand. And I respect your decision.

Toot: Thank you, Foxxy.

Foxxy: And I just hope Clara will find it in her heart to reciprocate when the time comes.

Clara: Whatchoo talkin' about, Foxxy?

Foxxy: (turning to Clara) Oh, it's just that if Toot is going to be kind enough to make you her maid of honor, it's only fair that you return the favor by making her YOURS whenever YOU get married!

Clara: Well, that's ridiculous, Foxxy. I'm already- (She suddenly realizes what Foxxy is getting at.) Uh oh. Gotta go! (She starts to run out of the room, but Foxxy grabs her by her dress to keep her from leaving.) Damn!

Toot: (realizing) Hey, that's right! Clara didn't make me HER maid of honor, did she? She chose Foxxy!

Foxxy: Uh huh. That's right!

Clara: Oh, come on, Toot! You and I weren't as close then as we are now! If I had it all to do over again, you would definitely be my choice!

Foxxy: (glaring at Clara) Oh, would she, now?

Clara: Foxxy, you know that's not what I meant!

Foxxy: (turning away from Clara, extremely annoyed) Mmm hmmm.

Toot: In that case, I change my mind! Foxxy, I want YOU to be my maid of honor! (Clara throws her arms up in frustration. Foxxy celebrates.)

Foxxy: Oh, yeah! Go, Foxxy! It's your birthday! Not for real real, just for play play!

Clara: Now hold on a minute! So Foxxy is going to get to do it twice in a row?

Foxxy: That's right!

Clara: Okay, then. So what happens when YOU get married, Foxxy? You'll owe both Toot and me a favor- and you can't have TWO maids of honor!

Toot: That's a good point.

Clara: (turning to Toot) So what might be the most fair thing is if we trade off. Foxxy was mine. I can be yours. Then you can be Foxxy's! That way, we'll each get to do it once!

Foxxy: Now hold up just a minute. Who said I even wanted Toot to be my maid of honor in the first place?

Toot: (to Foxxy, angrily) So I'm not worth being maid of honor, Foxxy? Is that it?

Foxxy: No, Toot, that ain't what I'm saying at all! It's just that when I get married, I'd kind of like it to be my choice. I don't want to have to make you my maid of honor just to repay a favor! I want to make you my maid of honor because you're one of my closest friends! And Toot- you ARE one of my closest friends.

Toot: Gosh! That's so sweet! (Clara is completely astounded at what she is hearing.)

Clara: Oh, come on! Foxxy, YOU were the one who brought up the whole notion of paying back favors! *I* was talking about friendship! Toot, listen to me. You and I are pals! We're a team! Come on, Toot... it's you and me against the world- one sarcastic white bitch to another!

Foxxy: (to Toot) Did I mention that I loved you?

Toot: Clara- if it's okay with you, I think I want Foxxy to be my maid of honor. I'm really sorry.

Clara: Okay. Fine. It's your decision, Toot. If you want Foxxy to be your maid of honor, I guess I can't stop you.

Toot: Thanks, Clara.

Clara starts to walk out, but suddenly stops and turns to Foxxy.

Clara: Oh, and Foxxy? (Foxxy turns to Clara attentively.) When Toot inevitably ends up going all Bridezilla on you like she's bound to do given her obsessive borderline personality- don't say I didn't warn you! (She walks out. Toot is mildly offended.)

Toot: Oh, that is ridiculous! I am not going to go all Bridezilla on everybody! (We suddenly see Wooldoor thrusting several papers in Toot's face. Toot smacks them away.) Goddammit, Wooldoor, I told you a thousand times, I don't want popcorn and jellybeans for an entree! (Wooldoor becomes disappointed. Toot looks over and sees Spanky and Ling-Ling going over the design for her wedding dress.) And Spanky, quit trying to make Ling-Ling install a hidden camera in my dress to take pictures of my ass! And Ling-Ling, I already told you, the train needs to be longer! Longer! (She turns to Marty.) And you're wearing a powder blue tux, Marty. I mean you're pretty pasty and I'm already black and white, I want us to have a LITTLE bit of color! (She looks around in frustration.) And where the hell is Captain Hero? I need to show him how to do the flower girl dance! (Spanky sticks a hand up.) No, Spanky, you don't do it right! (Spanky puts his hand down.)

Toot (in confessional): And another thing- whenever we do the wedding episode, *I* get all the confessional segments! You hear that, Mr. Anonymous Camera Person? Nobody else gets to be in here but me! Anyone else tries to come in here, you kick them out on their ass! Got it? Good. (Toot takes a deep breath and becomes immediately calm again.) So. (She clasps her hands together.) How have you guys been?

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene returns to the living room. The group is arranged much the same as before.

Toot: (to group) And THAT'S how I saved Christmas!

Wooldoor: (in awe) Wowwwwww!

Spanky: That's great, Toot! But what does that have to do with your wedding?

Wooldoor: I assumed it was an allegory for the situation.

Toot: Anyway, you guys, thanks for not getting all bent out of shape when I had my little moment there. But I promise you, I am completely calm about everything, and I absolutely definitely will not have any more Bridezilla moments!

Spanky: Gee, Toot, why don't you just say "Nothing can possibly go wrong" too while you're at it?

Foxxy: Toot, if you want to turn into Bridezilla, that's your right! It's your day- and there ain't nothing wrong with wanting it to be perfect.

Toot: Thanks, Foxxy. But I'm okay. Really, I am. (She picks up the binder and lays it on her lap.) So if you guys are in the mood, I thought I'd show you what you all are going to be wearing! (Everyone is excited.)

Wooldoor: Can we wear party hats?

Foxxy: Can all the bridesmaids wear fox tails and go-go boots?

Spanky: Instead of renting a tux, can I go naked and just paint a tux design on my body?

Clara: Could you just make Xandir wear something on his ass? (The others quickly turn and look at Clara as if to ask what she's suddenly doing there.) I'm back now, by the way. (They all turn back. Toot resumes her business.)

Toot: The answers to your questions would be... (She points to the others in turn.) No, no, no, and... I wish. Now, if nobody has any further business... behold!

Everyone gathers around Toot and watches intently as she opens the binder. She turns one page.

Everyone: Oooh! (Toot turns another page.) Aaah!

Spanky: That's beautiful, Toot!

Ling-Ling: Land whale lovely as geisha!

Clara: You'll be the prettiest bride ever!

Wooldoor: You guys ever wonder why Dick Clark always looks so young?

Captain Hero enters from the other room holding a large canvas.

Hero: (very excited) Look, everybody! I just finished my latest painting! (He holds the painting out in front of himself. It is the oft-utilized painting of dogs playing poker.) I call it "Joan Rivers Guest Starring on The View"! (There is no response.) Guys? (Hero looks at the group. Everyone is completely engrossed in Toot's binder.)

Wooldoor: Wow!

Foxxy: Oh, Toot, that's beautiful!

Clara: I never realized Jello could be used as a contraceptive!

Hero: Hey, everyone! Look at my painting!

Spanky: Later, Hero! Toot's showing us all the decorations she's going to have for her wedding!

Hero: Well, what about you, Wooldoor? I know YOU'D rather see my latest creative endeavor than anything Toot has to offer! (Wooldoor starts to turn toward Hero.)

Toot: And THIS ice sculpture looks just like Captain Hero in the shower at the Y! (Wooldoor suddenly turns back to Toot.)

Wooldoor: Ohhhhh... that's dreamy! (He grabs both of Toot's arms.) Show me more!

Hero: (turning away in frustration) Hmmph!

Hero (in confessional): Ever since Toot had gotten engaged, suddenly SHE was getting all the attention in the house! But no matter. That just meant that I had to try HARDER to make people listen to me!

Hero: Help! Everyone! The house is on fire!

Toot: (not looking up from her book) No, it isn't.

Hero: Yes, it is! I smelled smoke!

Spanky: (not looking up) Maybe you were smoking pot again.

Hero: I was not! Well... I suppose I could have been. I mean- (looks around) The house doesn't APPEAR to be on fire! And I've been clean for years now, but I could always have a relapse. (Looking concerned, he turns to the housemates.) Sorry for bothering you, guys! I'll go get help right away!

Marty: Knock yourself out, man. (Hero rushes out of the house. As soon as he is gone, the group looks up from the binder. Everyone looks at each other.) Was someone just in here?

Clara: I think it was a burglar. Toot, check to see if we just got robbed.

Toot: (looks around the room for a moment) Nope!

Foxxy: Cool. Let's get back to this, then!

Everyone turns their attention back to the binder. Just at that moment, the doorbell rings.

Marty: Hey, guys, someone's at the door.

Toot: There can't be anyone at the door. I'm not expecting anyone today! (The doorbell rings again.)

Wooldoor: Maybe THIS is the burglar!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, what kind of burglar rings the doorbell?

Wooldoor: A polite one, that's who! (The doorbell rings again.)

Toot: Should we let them in?

Clara: I don't know. Do we have anything they can steal?

Foxxy: What about that jewelry upstairs?

Clara: No, I kind of wanted to keep that.

Spanky: They can have our encyclopedia set!

Wooldoor: I don't think they take books. (The doorbell rings again.)

Toot: What about our recycling? They can have that, can't they?

Foxxy: But we was gonna take that in and get cash back for it!

Toot: Oh, they don't give us squat for that stuff!

Foxxy: You're right, Toot. It ain't hardly worth the effort to lug it all down there!

Spanky: In a way, they'd be doing us a favor by taking it off our hands! (The doorbell rings again.)

Clara: So we're agreed? They can have our recycling? (Everyone nods.) Perfect. I'll go let them in! (Clara walks to the door and opens it.) Hi! Thanks for stopping by! Look, if it's okay with you, we don't to lose any of our money or our valuables this time, so if it's okay with you, I'll just show you to the basement and you can steal our recycling. Okay? (A confused look crosses her face. The camera angle switches to behind Clara. We see that nobody is there.) Hello? Huh. I guess they left. (Clara starts to close the door, but at the last minute a voice pipes up at her feet.)

Jun-Jee: No! Not close door! I here, just too small for big human to see!

Clara: Huh? (She looks down.) Oh! Jun-Jee! I didn't realize it was you! (She turns to the others.) Hey, everyone! Jun-Jee is here! (Ling-Ling immediately darts over to where the two are standing.)

Wooldoor: Wait a minute. So Ling-Ling's father is here to rob us?

Spanky: Hide your underwear, everybody!

Ling-Ling: Father! What you doing here?

Jun-Jee: Oh, Ling-Ling... Honorable father have bad news. (Ling-Ling is very concerned.)

Ling-Ling: Father okay?

Jun-Jee: Father not okay, Ling-Ling. Jun-Jee very, very sick.

Clara: Oh, no! What's wrong, Jun-Jee?

Jun-Jee: (to Ling-Ling, pointing at Clara) Who this? Jun-Jee supposed to know her?

Ling-Ling: Father, that Carla. Jun-Jee honorable daughter-in-law!

Jun-Jee: Oh, right. Cataracts interfere with Jun-Jee vision, not able to recognize son's honorable geisha!

Ling-Ling: Father, whatever wrong, housemates help you get better! (He calls over to the group.) Sockbat! Get over here now! (Wooldoor rushes over.)

Wooldoor: What is it, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling: Father very sick! He say he dying! Please to Sockbat to cure him?

Wooldoor: I don't know, Ling-Ling. (He looks up at Clara.) Clara, would you be offended if I-

Clara: No, Wooldoor, go right ahead! I know I made a big deal about it before, but I've learned that sometimes you have to put the rules aside when someone's life is in the balance. So, Wooldoor... you have my permission to go ahead and masturbate! (Jun-Jee's brow wrinkles in astonishment.)

Wooldoor: Actually, Clara, I wasn't going to make a clum baby. I was just going to go get my stethoscope and my clipboard so I could make a proper medical diagnosis.

Clara: (somewhat embarrassed) Oh. I'm sorry, Wooldoor. Yes, Wooldoor, go ahead and get your stuff.

The scene cuts back to the others for a moment. Toot looks slightly concerned.

Toot: Is this story going to get back to being about ME any time soon?

Wooldoor starts to run off, but Jun-Jee stops him.

Jun-Jee: No! Honorable Spongebob ripoff no need to make medical diagnosis. Jun-Jee tell housemates exactly what he wrong.

Clara: Okay, usually I like to cut you guys some slack because English isn't your native language, but "exactly what he wrong" is reeeeeeeally pushing things!

Ling-Ling: What wrong, Father?

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee dying, Ling-Ling. (Everyone looks very concerned.) Jun-Jee dying... of a broken heart!

Wooldoor: Oh, a deviated aortic septum! Well, I can fix that! (He starts to perform the clum baby ritual, but Clara stops him.)

Clara: Wooldoor, I think Jun-Jee just meant that he's very sad and he's lost the will to live. (Jun-Jee nods.)

Wooldoor: A clum baby MIGHT cure that! I've never actually tried...

Ling-Ling: Father, whatever it take, Ling-Ling make you feel better.

Jun-Jee: Thank you, son. But Jun-Jee not think there anything Ling-Ling can do.

Clara: Jun-Jee, we WOULD like to make you feel better, if we could. If it's okay... would you like to talk about how your heart was broken?

Jun-Jee: Some time ago, Jun-Jee think he find happiness. He find beautiful woman and fall in love, think he live happily ever after. But then he become suspicious of her and decide to divorce her. He get marriage annulled, disinherit her from Jun-Jee fortune. It only later that Jun-Jee realize terrible mistake and decide he want her back. (Ling-Ling eyes his father skeptically.)

Ling-Ling: Father... who you talking about?

Jun-Jee: Only most beautiful woman ever to grace earth. One that Ling-Ling friends call... Toot! (Ling-Ling sighs in frustration. Clara turns to the group.)

Clara: Hey, Toot. Could you come over here a minute?

Toot: (claps her hands together) I knew the plot would come back around to me eventually! (She gets up and walks over to the door.) What is it, Clara?

Jun-Jee: Toot-san!

Toot: (very surprised) Jun-Jee?

Clara: Wait. I'm confused. (She points to the couch.) Toot was sitting right over there. How did you not know she was here?

Toot: He has cataracts, Clara.

Clara: (realizing) Ohhhhhh.

Wooldoor: I can cure those, too! (He starts to perform the clum baby ritual again. Again, Clara stops him.)

Clara: You just want to masturbate, don't you?

Wooldoor: (solemnly) Yes.

Clara: (sighs) Fine. Just take it upstairs. Okay?

Wooldoor: Okay! (Wooldoor rushes off. Toot addresses Jun-Jee.)

Toot: What is it, Jun-Jee? You're not still mad about what happened before, are you? I've officially waived all my claims to your fortune. You're not on the hook to me for ANYTHING!

Jun-Jee: This not about money, Toot-san. This about... (He begins to get swoony) love!

Toot: Oh, crap!

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee make terrible mistake letting Toot-san go. Please will land whale take Jun-Jee back?

Marty: Now hold on just a minute! (He gets up and walks over to the door.) I don't know who you are- I'm assuming by the way you look that you're affiliated with Ling-Ling in some way? (He looks at Ling-Ling questioningly.)

Ling-Ling: He Ling-Ling father!

Marty: Ah. Well, the point is, I want to know what right you think you have to show up here at our house claiming you're in love with my fiancee!

Jun-Jee: Fiancee?

Marty: That's right! Toot and I are engaged to be married!

Jun-Jee: But Jun-Jee and Toot ALREADY married!

Marty: What?

Toot: We USED to be married, Jun-Jee! But not anymore! We're divorced now!

Marty: (He pulls a dollar out of his pocket and hands it to Clara.) Wait. I'm confused. So... (He points to Toot, then Jun-Jee.) You... used to be married to him. (Toot and Jun-Jee both nod.) And YOU... (He points to Clara, then Ling-Ling)... are now married to HIM! (Clara and Ling-Ling both nod.) So... is there anyone in this house who HASN'T married one of these things?

Foxxy: Oh, yeah! (She starts to put her hand up, but then puts it back down) Wait... (She thinks for a moment.) Never mind.

Toot: It's true, Marty. I was married to Jun-Jee for a very brief period of time. But that ended!

Marty: Why didn't you tell me about it?

Toot: Would you believe me if I told you that I just tend to FORGET about that marriage? (Marty looks at her skeptically. However, the others back Toot up.)

Foxxy: Actually, she's telling the truth, Marty. We all tend to forget that particular episode for some reason.

Marty: Oh. I guess it's okay, then. (He turns to Toot.) So what about now? You're not still in love with him, are you?

Toot: Marty, I was never in love with him to begin with! It was strictly a marriage of convenience!

Marty: Oh? What was the convenience?

Toot: I was after his money and being married to him provided a convenient way for me to get it!

Marty: Ah. I see.

Jun-Jee: So what say Toot-san? Toot-san see it in her heart to give Jun-Jee second chance?

Toot: I'm sorry, Jun-Jee, but I can't. I'm engaged to Marty now. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with!

Jun-Jee: You still can. Jun-Jee old man, probably die soon. Toot-san give Jun-Jee happiness for six months or so, then get all his money and marry Marty-san for love. What say you? Sound like win-win to Jun-Jee!

Toot: Well, it WOULD be nice for Marty not to have to get another job... but no. I'm sorry, Jun-Jee. But I don't love you. You really deserve to be with someone who does.

Spanky: (to Foxxy) Wait a second. Jun-Jee just offered Toot practically his entire fortune, no strings attached, and she turned it down? I'm telling you, this is NOT the Toot we know and love!

Marty: Well, it's the Toot *I* know and love! (He puts his arm around Toot.) Toot, I'm proud of you. I can't believe you love me that much to give up all that money!

Toot: I know. I used to be so selfish! What the crap happened to me?

Jun-Jee: No! Jun-Jee not give up Toot-san so easily! Those huge reflective eyes... that whisper-like voice... those tiny, tiny feet!

Toot: Well, sorry, Jun-Jee, but Marty's the only one who gets to enjoy my feet these days!

Ling-Ling: (to Jun-Jee) You sure you not thinking of nipples?

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee make Toot-san fall in love with him again... he not sure how, but he not give up until Toot-san take him back!

Toot: (sighs) Oh, boy. (to Jun-Jee) Wait here a moment. (She turns to the others.) This guy obviously isn't going to leave me alone. I don't know what to do! Does anybody have any ideas? (Clara looks thoughtful.)

Clara (in confessional): As Jun-Jee's daughter-in-law, it occurred to me that I was in a position where I might be able to help Toot. And it also occurred to me that if I could take care of the Jun-Jee problem for Toot, she'd be indebted to me. Possibly indebted to the point where she might have to... oh, I don't know... make me her maid of honor!

Clara: I'll help you, Toot!

Toot: Really?

Clara: Sure! Ling-Ling and I will talk to his father. We'll get him to leave you alone somehow.

Toot: Thanks, Clara. If you can do this for me, I'll really owe you one!

Clara: (smiling slightly smugly) I know. (As Foxxy eyes Clara suspiciously, Clara turns to Ling-Ling and Jun-Jee.) Hey, Jun-Jee, why don't you come have lunch with Ling-Ling and me? We'll get re-acquainted and then we'll talk about the Toot situation. Sound good? (Jun-Jee nods. Clara picks up Ling-Ling and starts to walk into the kitchen. She stops when she realizes Jun-Jee is not following them. She turns around to see Jun-Jee still standing in the doorway. He looks at Clara.) Jun-Jee, are you coming?

Jun-Jee, cane in hand, takes one very slow, hobbled step. He rests for a moment, then takes another step. He then rests for even longer before he finally takes another step. After resting for what seems like an eternity, Clara finally loses patience.

Clara: Okay, fine! (Very agitatedly, she walks over to Jun-Jee and picks him up. She is now holding Ling-Ling in one arm and Jun-Jee in the other.) Now, then. let's go have lunch. (She walks off to the kitchen. Toot and Foxxy watch her go. Foxxy is still a bit suspicious.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Hero (in confessional): On my way to the drug rehab center, I suddenly remembered that I didn't have a drug problem after all. I'm not sure why I thought I had a drug problem... I guess I must have been high on something! Anyway, I went back to the house to try to interest the housemates in my latest creative venture!

Cut to Toot, Marty, Foxxy, Spanky, and Wooldoor in the living room talking.

Toot: And THAT'S why the wedding outfits have to be flame-retardant!

Foxxy: Oh. Well, that makes sense.

Spanky: Can't argue with that!

Wooldoor: *I* certainly don't want to go to the ER again! (Everyone turns and looks at Wooldoor as if to ask what he's suddenly doing there.) I'm back now, by the way.

Hero walks in holding another painting.

Hero: Hey, everyone! Look what I've painted THIS time! (He holds up the painting. It is Botticelli's Birth of Venus.) I call this one "Generic Naked Chick"! (Nobody looks.) Doesn't anybody care about my painting? (Spanky turns around.)

Spanky: (giving the painting a cursory glance) Oh, yeah. Nice job, Hero. (He turns back to Toot.) So anyway, the naked wedding thing. Are you sure we can't negotiate just a little? It doesn't have to be the whole wedding party. Just the women!

Foxxy: No way, Spanky! Last time I went to a wedding naked, I got Lyme disease!

Wooldoor: Can we have a piñata?

As everyone continue to chat away happily, Hero turns away from the group dejected.

Hero (in confessional): So that was how it was, was it? Just because someone's getting married, it seems like the whole world suddenly revolves around THEM! I mean, *I* got married once, and I didn't get half this much attention! (Suddenly, UFG enters the confessional.)

UFG (in confessional): That's because it was a fake wedding, Hero. We didn't really get married.

Hero (in confessional): Yes, but THEY didn't know that! (He suddenly turns to UFG.) Where the hell did YOU come from?

Cut the same party as before still absorbed in Toot's wedding plans. Hero eyes the group with some disdain.

Hero: (to himself) It ought to be MY wedding instead of hers! I deserve it more! (Suddenly a thought hits him.) Hmm... why CAN'T it be my wedding?

Cut to Hero on the telephone upstairs.

Hero: (on phone) That's right, Mom and Dad! Your little boy is finally getting married! No, we haven't picked a day yet, but I'll be sure to send you an invitation! Thanks, I'll talk to you later! (He hangs the phone up, then picks it back up and dials another number.) Hey, Batman! Guess what? I'm getting married! I guess that means the gay rumors are going to stop for ONE of us now, won't they? (He hangs up the phone and picks it up again and dials another number.) Hello, Pizza Hut? I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust, and... I'd also like an order of teriyaki buffalo wings. You know what? Throw in some cheesy bread too while you're at it. Oh, and I'm also getting married. Bye now!

Hero hangs up the phone and dances happily from the room. He prances down the stairs and bounds joyfully into the living room.

Hero: Guess what, everybody?

Spanky: The tests came back negative?

Hero: Noooooooo... I'm getting married! (Immediately everyone stops what they are doing. Foxxy walks up to Hero menacingly.)

Foxxy: Captain Hero... did I just hear you right?

Hero: Yes, you did, Foxxy! I'm getting married!

Foxxy: Why, you miserable, two-timing asshole! (She slaps him.) Oh, wait, I forgot you liked that. Disregard that, then. (She grabs Hero angrily by the collar.) I can't believe that you would do this to me! I thought we had something special going here!

Hero: We do, Foxxy! It's just that-

Foxxy: So who is it? Unusually Flexible Girl?

Hero: No, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Angelina Jolie?

Hero: No, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Spanky's mom?

Hero: No, Foxxy! Wait- Spanky's mom is available?

Foxxy: (tightening her grip on Hero's collar) So who is it, then, Hero? Who's the whore you're dumping me for?

Hero: The whore is YOU, Foxxy!

Foxxy: Say what now?

Hero: Foxxy, I love you! And I'd never dream of ever marrying anybody else! The whore I'm marrying... is YOU.

Foxxy: (softening) Oh. Oh, wow. I'm so sorry, Captain Hero. (She releases her grip.) Please forgive me.

Hero: Thank you, Foxxy. (He massages his bruised shoulders just a bit.) What came over you, Foxxy? I mean, what could EVER make you think I was going to get married to someone other than you?

Foxxy: I don't know, Hero. It's just that when two people get married... oh, I don't know... one of them usually PROPOSES to the other!

Hero: Oh. I guess I kind of forgot that part. (He suddenly remembers something.) Oh, that reminds me! (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring, then gets down on one knee in front of Foxxy.) Foxxy Love... will you marry me? (Foxxy is overcome.)

Foxxy: Oh, my God! (She hugs Hero passionately.) Yes! Yes, Captain Hero! I'll definitely marry you!

Hero: Woohoo! (Foxxy pulls Hero to his feet and puts his arm around her. They then proceed to kiss very passionately.)

Wooldoor: Oh, my God, do you believe that? Foxxy and Captain Hero are engaged!

Spanky: That's wonderful!

Marty: That's so sweet!

Toot: That is such bullcrap! (Angrily, Toot gets up and marches over to Hero and Foxxy. She forcefully pulls them apart and holds each of them at arm's length from her.) What the hell is the big idea, you two?

Hero: Foxxy and I are in love and we want to get married!

Toot: Oh, no, you don't! In case you've forgotten, I'M the one who's getting married! Not you two!

Foxxy: Well, we don't have to get married right away, Toot! Hero and I would be glad to wait until you've had your wedding before we start planning ours!

Hero: We will?

Toot: (Her anger dissipates.) Thanks, Foxxy.

Foxxy: I mean, you and Marty was a couple before me and Hero was. By all rights you SHOULD go first!

Hero: Actually, if you remember, Foxxy and I dated during the Cool Kids episode. And that takes place before this series, so technically, WE were first.

Toot: Yes, well, that episode may technically take place before the one where Marty and I got together, but it didn't air on television until AFTER the episode where Marty and I met had already been written. So if you think about it, Marty and I are still first!

Hero: Right, but Foxxy and I have known each other since the very beginning of the series! And besides, we're a canon couple! You and Marty are strictly extended universe!

Toot: Well, you KNOW each other in canon, but you're not really a COUPLE. I mean, you didn't exactly STAY together after the Cool Kids episode, did you?

Hero: Oh, how would you know? You were in Mexico with Ling-Ling that week!

Marty: Wait. (to Toot) You and Ling-Ling-

Toot: No, Marty. I'll explain it later. (She turns back to Hero and Foxxy.) Anyway, the point is, it doesn't matter how long you and Foxxy have been together, or even how long you've known each other. The fact is, Marty proposed to me first. And I know it may seem selfish of me, but it feels really good to be the center of attention in a GOOD way for once. So, please, you guys- can we get back to planning MY wedding? It's my one special day, and I'd really like there not to be any distractions.

Foxxy: Of course, Toot. Believe me, Captain Hero and I wouldn't DREAM of stealing your thunder!

Hero: We wouldn't?

Foxxy: We'll go ahead and let you keep being the center of attention for a while. Then after you and Marty are married, maybe Captain Hero and I will start thinking about ours.

Toot: Awww... thanks, Foxxy! You know, I'm so glad I made you my maid of honor!

Foxxy: I know.

Toot and Foxxy walk back over to the couch and resume planning the wedding while Hero looks on, somewhat stunned.

Cut to the kitchen. Clara and Ling-Ling sit at the table with Jun-Jee between them. Clara and Ling-Ling are happily munching away on hamburgers while Jun-Jee sits staring at the large burger in front of him.

Clara: Jun-Jee? Jun-Jee, why aren't you eating?

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee thought princess say we be having lunch.

Clara: We are, Jun-Jee!

Jun-Jee: Then why princess no serve any food yet?

Clara: I did, Jun-Jee! It's right there in front of you!

Jun-Jee: This! This not food! Where the noodles? And the soy sauce?

Ling-Ling: In America not all food have noodle, father.

Jun-Jee: So what kind of meat this? Persian? Siamese? Tabby?

Clara: Actually, it's beef, Jun-Jee. It comes from cows.

Jun-Jee: You eat cows in America?

Clara: That's right.

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not trust that. Not seem right.

Clara: You're not Hindu, are you, Jun-Jee?

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not Hindu! Where stupid princess get idea Jun-Jee Hindu?

Clara: Well, it's just that Hindus don't eat cows either. They think they're sacred.

Jun-Jee: Sacred?

Clara: Hindus worship the cow. A Hindu person would be very offended to see you eat that burger, Jun-Jee!

Immediately, Jun-Jee picks up the burger and begins heartily chowing down on it. Clara and Ling-Ling nod and smile at each other.

Jun-Jee: (temporarily stopping) Hey! That not bad! Now Jun-Jee understand why Americans so fat!

The group continues munching on their burgers. Finally, as they are about to finish, Clara breaks the ice.

Clara: So anyway, Jun-Jee. About the Toot situation-

Jun-Jee: (waves his hand at her) Unless honorable princess about to suggest way for Jun-Jee to win back Toot-san, Jun-Jee not want to hear it!

Clara: Jun-Jee, why do you want Toot back anyway? She lied to you and manipulated you- you saw that for yourself! And you KNOW that she's in love with another man!

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not care. He only able to think about how happy he was during that brief time he married to land whale. And besides, housemates tell Jun-Jee that Toot-san change! She not manipulative shrew anymore!

Clara: That's true, Jun-Jee. Toot has really turned her life around.

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee want some of THAT Toot!

Clara: But Jun-Jee, Toot doesn't love you! And she never will. And that being the case, it's silly for you to keep thinking about wanting to be with her.

Jun-Jee: (sighs) Jun-Jee know. But he lonely ever since honorable wife pass away.

Clara: I know you are.

Jun-Jee: And Jun-Jee not long for this world... he just want female companion to share last days with.

Clara: Jun-Jee, there are lots of other women in the world besides Toot! You know what? Give Ling-Ling and me some time- I bet we can find you a nice woman who'd love to bring some comfort to an old man in his last days.

Ling-Ling: But Carla, Anna Nicole pass away already!

Clara: I didn't mean Anna Nicole, Ling-Ling. But I *may* have a few candidates in mind...

A montage begins of Clara, Ling-Ling, and Jun-Jee visiting the doors of numerous female characters from the show.

Bleh: Him? Excuse me, Clara? Did you forget I'm not retarded anymore?

Clara: Come, on, Bleh, he's a really nice guy! He's really big on honor!

Bleh: Sorry, Clara. You may have chosen to marry one of these things, but personally, I think I can do a lot better than some ancient wrinkled plush toy!

Clara: Oh, like YOU'RE so classy! You once licked a dog's ass!

Bleh: No, I didn't.

Clara: Oh, right. Who am I thinking of again?

Bleh shakes her head and closes the door. The door immediately opens again. It is Charlotte the babysitter. Clara holds out Jun-Jee.

Clara: Excuse me. You wouldn't by any chance be interested in dating this person, would you?

Charlotte: I don't know. Let me step outside so I can get a better look at him.

As she starts to step out the door, Charlotte's foot hits the edge of the door, causing her to lose her balance and fall hard on the doorstep. Her eyes glaze over the same way they did in "Drawn Together Babies". A tiny stream of blood starts to trickle down her cheek. Clara is horrified.

Clara: Oh, my God! We've got to start leaving this poor girl alone!

The scene quickly cuts to Clara holding Jun-Jee out to a very disgruntled-looking Unusually Flexible Girl.

Clara: Oh, come on! You're dating Wooldoor! This isn't TOO much stranger! And besides, you wanted to get married so you wouldn't end up alone like your nana, right?

UFG: Clara, if I married HIM, I feel like I'd be married TO my nana!

UFG closes the door. The door immediately opens again. This time it is the woman with brown hair and pink pants.

Woman: Hello?

Clara: Hello. I'm sure you don't remember us, but I'm Princess Clara from Drawn Together! You've had cameo appearance in like, ten of our episodes!

Woman: Oh, of course I remember you! So how have you guys been?

Clara: We've been great, um- I'm sorry, I don't think I know your name.

Woman: Reunitee. Like the champagne.

Clara: Ah. Very nice. Look, I know this is a long shot, but... there's not a chance in the world you'd be romantically attracted to this little guy right here, is there? (She holds up Jun-Jee. Reunitee begins practically purring over him.)

Reunitee: Oh, he's so darling! (She pets Jun-Jee.) Oh, he is just the cutest little thing! (She begins scratching behind Jun-Jee's ears. Jun-Jee begins showing very visible signs of enjoying the affection.)

Clara: Yes, he's very cute. And while I know you're very drawn to him in a kitten or a puppy or a stuffed animal kind of way, I need to know if you might be attracted to him romantically. Like... could you see yourself having sex with him?

Reunitee: Oh, I totally could! I used to date Winnie the Pooh, you know!

Clara: Perfect! Well, in that case, why don't I drop this little guy off here and take off so you two can get better acquainted with each other?

Reunitee: Oh, I can't date him NOW! I'm already married!

Clara: Oh, you are? I'm sorry, I didn't realize.

Reunitee: That's okay. (At this point, the man with wavy hair and glasses walks up to the door and stands next to her.)

Man: Hey, honey! Who are our visitors?

Clara: Oh, wow! I didn't realize you were married to HIM!

Man: We met in the crowd at a spelling bee.

Reunitee: When he told me his name was Thundercat, I was hoping that might mean he was secretly a cartoon animal of some sort. But nope, he's just a regular guy. But it's okay. Somehow amidst it all, we found love! (She turns and kisses Thundercat.)

Clara: Well, I'm very amazed and impressed that you were somehow able to find real love with someone who isn't a cuddly cartoon creature, but the best of luck to you both!

Reunitee: Thanks!

The door starts to close. However, before it closes completely, we see the white shoes, then the maroon shirt, then the pink pants fly through the air. Finally, we see Thundercat's bow tie, then his glasses fly off. The door finally closes. Clara turns around, sighs, and walks away with Jun-Jee in hand. Ling-Ling follows them.

Hero (in confessional): I was more determined than ever to marry Foxxy. And if Toot wasn't going to let us go first... well, there was only one thing left for me and Foxxy to do- elope!

Cut to Hero in the kitchen surveying the scene in the living room. Toot, Marty, Foxxy, and Spanky are gathered around.

Toot: And that's when I was appointed Queen of the Non-Sequiturs!

Spanky: Ah, very nice!

Hero: (poking his head into the room) Oh, Foxxy? Can I see you in here for a minute? (Foxxy gets up and walks into the kitchen.)

Foxxy: What is it, Captain Hero?

Hero: Foxxy, I just had a kooky idea!

Foxxy: You ain't gonna need reconstructive surgery afterward, are you?

Hero: Not this time.

Foxxy: So what's your idea?

Hero: Foxxy, remember last summer when we went to Las Vegas?

Foxxy: Oh, yeah!

Hero: We had a great time, didn't we?

Foxxy: We sure did!

Hero: I'm kind of thinking I might like to go back there again!

Foxxy: But we already agreed that we was all gonna go back there next summer!

Hero: I don't mean next summer, Foxxy. And I don't mean the whole group, either. I mean, just you and me... this weekend!

Foxxy: A weekend trip to Vegas, huh? That DOES sound pretty nice! Okay, Hero- you got a deal!

Hero: Boo-yah!

Foxxy: I gotta ask you, Hero. How come you to pick Vegas?

Hero: Oh... no reason.

Foxxy: I mean, I never thought of Vegas as being one of the more ideal places for a romantic getaway together. I mean, it's fun, but it's kind of seedy. You know?

Hero: Perhaps.

Foxxy: I think it'd be a lot nicer if we went to a bed and breakfast in Vermont. (She walks up to Hero and puts her arms around him romantically.) Now THAT'D be romantic!

Hero: (turned on) Oh, yes, it would!

Foxxy: (seductively) So what do you say, Captain Hero? You gonna take me to Vermont this weekend?

Hero: Absolutely, Foxxy! We'll go there right after we go to Vegas! (Foxxy lets go of Hero angrily.)

Foxxy: Oh, what is it with you and Vegas, Hero? Here am I trying to set up a romantic weekend for us and you seem to be hung up on going to Vegas for some reason!

Hero: Hey, I want the romantic weekend as much as you do, Foxxy! I said we'd go to Vermont together!

Foxxy: Yes, but you wanted to go to Vegas FIRST! Now what possible reason could a couple have for going to Vegas right before they go on a romantic trip to Vermont?

Hero: Um... because our vacation is sponsored by the letter V?

Foxxy: (suddenly realizing) Wait a minute... I see what's going on. (She turns to Hero.) Captain Hero... you were wanting to go to Vegas and elope, weren't you?

Hero: (timidly) Maybe!

Foxxy: Captain Hero, I'm really glad that you've got this urge to commit all of a sudden. But quit being in such a hurry to get married! It ain't our time yet!

Hero: I thought you might say that, Foxxy. That's why I have Plan B!

Foxxy: Plan B?

Hero opens the refrigerator. Crouched behind the pickles is Wooldoor dressed in his priest robes. Hero grabs Wooldoor by the hand and pulls him out of the refrigerator. Foxxy looks on in disbelief.

Wooldoor: Hi.

Hero: Wooldoor, I want you to marry me and Foxxy.

Wooldoor: Marry you and Foxxy? Well, normally, I'm morally opposed to bigamy. (He looks at Hero all swoony.) But for you, Captain Hero... I'll let it slide! (He turns quickly back and forth to the two of them.) So who am I going to marry first? (He turns to Foxxy.) Can it be Captain Hero? (He turns to Captain Hero.) I want to honeymoon in Disneyworld!

Hero: Wooldoor, I meant that I wanted you to marry Foxxy and me to each other!

Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhh. That makes a lot more sense.

Hero: Yes.

Wooldoor: I'm sorry, Captain Hero, but I can't do that.

Hero: What?

Wooldoor: I promised Toot that I'd marry her and Marty first!

Toot: (calling from other room) I knew you'd try something like this, Hero!

Wooldoor: So she backed me into a corner and made me solemnly swear that I wouldn't perform any more marriages until I'd married her and Marty!

Hero: But Wooldoor, it's me! Captain Hero! (He winks at Wooldoor.) You'll break that agreement for me, won't you?

Wooldoor: She gave me candy!

Hero: I'LL give you candy!

Wooldoor: She made me sign a sworn affidavit!

Hero: I'll give you a backrub!

Wooldoor: Well... okay! (He pulls a Bible out from under his robes.) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-

Hero: Just skip through all the rigmarole and get to the part where we take each other.

Wooldoor: Captain Leslie Hero, do you take Foxxy Love to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Hero: I do!

Wooldoor: And do you, Foxxy Love, take Captain Leslie Hero to be your lawfully wedded husband?

They turn to where Foxxy was standing. However, Foxxy is not there. They both look surprised for a moment. Then Hero begins to cry. Wooldoor turns to him.

Wooldoor: What's wrong, Captain Hero?

Hero: I never dreamed that she would leave me at the altar! (He begins crying even more demonstrably.) Oh, my dear sweet Foxxy's become a runaway bride! (Hero turns to Wooldoor and begins sobbing on his shoulder. Wooldoor pats Hero on the back to comfort him.)

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 3

Clara (in confessional): Time was running out. Well, maybe not in a literal sense. I mean, Toot's wedding was still several months away, and it wasn't like this was the kind of situation that couldn't linger unresolved for a while. But I was getting very frustrated with things, and I wasn't sure what else to do. And I was determined to get this matter solved so I could score enough brownie points with Toot so she would make me her maid of honor!

Cut to Clara's room. Clara is curled up on her bed facing Jun-Jee. Ling-Ling sits beside her.

Clara: I have to get you to forget about Toot somehow, Jun-Jee. What's it going to take?

Jun-Jee: (thinks for a minute) Divorce my son.

Both Clara and Ling-Ling are shocked.

Clara: What?

Ling-Ling: Father, no!

Jun-Jee: You hear Jun-Jee. He one with hearing problems, not you two. Honorable princess agree to get annulment from Ling-Ling and Jun-Jee leave you all alone.

Clara: Jun-Jee, even if we wanted to- which we don't- it's a bit too late for Ling-Ling and I to get an annulment!

Jun-Jee: Really! (He turns to Ling-Ling.) You mean you find way to get it all the way in her?

Clara: It's out of the question, Jun-Jee. Nothing is worth throwing away my relationship to Ling-Ling! Nothing!

Jun-Jee: But you see? That how Jun-Jee feel about Toot-san! He love her so much that nothing can sway him from giving her up! He feel it ridiculous for honorable daughter-in-law to ask question, that why he give equarry ridicurous answer!

Clara: I see. Jun-Jee, I'll be right back. I need to talk with Ling-Ling for just a moment.

As Jun-Jee sits on the bed watching them, Clara picks up Ling-Ling and carries him to the other side of the room out of earshot.

Clara: Ling-Ling, what are we going to do?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not know, Carla.

Clara: There's got to be SOME way we can convince him that Toot's just not the right woman for him! (She pauses for a moment, then looks at Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, you know your father better than anyone. Is there anything that really puts him off? Something that if Toot did it to him, he could never forgive her for it? (They think.) Your father's really big on honor, isn't he? (Ling-Ling nods.) Maybe if we showed him that honorable Toot-san isn't so honorable after all...

Ling-Ling: How we do that? (At that moment, a sound comes from the other part of the room. Clara and Ling-Ling turn around to see Jun-Jee walking around on the bed muttering to himself.)

Jun-Jee: This bed hard as rocks! Jun-Jee almost rather sleep on stone slab! Or maybe one of those nail beds like honorable freaking Hindus use! (Jun-Jee sits back down on the bed.) Jun-Jee freaking hate Hindus! They bring embarrassment to all Asia with stupid red dots and multi-armed deities! What they are, freaking carnival performers? (He looks at Clara.) Jun-Jee hungry. Can we have honorable hamburger again? (Smiling, Clara turns to Ling-Ling with a gleam in her eye.)

Cut immediately to a very irritated Toot pacing on the floor while Clara sits on the couch.

Toot: Are you kidding, Clara? I haven't got time for this!

Clara: Toot, we're just trying to figure out a way to put Jun-Jee off so he'll leave you alone and let you marry Marty in peace!

Toot: Clara, I'm kind of busy here trying to plan my wedding. I thought getting rid of Jun-Jee is what YOU guys were going to do.

Clara: I know, Toot. And I'm trying, really, I am. (Toot sighs.)

Toot: I guess you are. (Toot sits down beside Clara.) I'm sorry, Clara. I don't mean to snap at you. You're trying your best.

Clara: I am.

Toot: And since it's my fault Jun-Jee is even here in the first place, I guess that makes it my problem to solve, not yours.

Clara: But I want to help you, Toot. And I *will* help you! And I think I know of a way to get Jun-Jee to leave you alone once and for all!

Toot: What's that, Clara?

Spanky: (holding a hand up) I'm in this scene too!

Clara: Jun-Jee is really big on honor. So I'm thinking if he got it into his head that you were once a huge, huge slut, he'd dump you!

Toot: No, he wouldn't. I already told him when we were married that before him, I'd slept with tons and tons of guys!

Clara: (taken aback) Really?

Toot: Oh, yeah! I mean, I didn't actually SLEEP with tons of guys- but I told him I did! Apparently it made him think I was quite a trophy, that I could be the object of desire for so many men! So sorry, Clara, but telling him I've slept with lots of guys would NOT put him off!

Clara: Not even if the guys were say... Hindu?

Toot: Whatchoo talkin' about, Clara?

Clara: Toot, Jun-Jee HATES Hindus! If he finds out that you've bedded practically every able-bodied male in India-

Toot: (seeing what Clara is getting at) He'd think I was a miserable, blasphemous whore!

Clara: And he'd hightail it back to Asia and leave you alone FOREVER!

Toot: I think it could work! (She turns to Clara.) Clara... if this works... I'll really owe you one!

Clara: (smiling) I know you will. (She gets up.) I'm going to go get Jun-Jee and bring him down here. Then we'll watch your problems just melt away.

Clara leaves and goes upstairs. Marty walks over to the couch and sits down in the spot vacated by Clara. As Toot gets the binder back out to start discussing plans again, Hero suddenly bounds into the room followed by Wooldoor.

Hero: (chanting) Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I got married and you didn't! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! (Toot puts the binder down with a sigh of frustration.)

Toot: Hero, I really don't have time for THIS!

Hero: Wooldoor just married Foxxy and me! (Foxxy enters and stands behind Hero and Wooldoor.) Foxxy and I are now officially husband and wife!

Toot: No, you're not!

Hero: Yes, we are! (He pulls out a piece of paper and holds it up.) I have a piece of paper to prove it! (Marty takes the paper.)

Toot: Wooldoor, I thought we had a deal that you weren't going to marry Hero before me!

Wooldoor: We did! (He turns to Hero.) Wait- you told me that quickie wedding to Foxxy in the kitchen was just for practice!

Toot: And Foxxy, you promised me as my maid of honor that you weren't going to do anything with Hero just yet!

Foxxy: I didn't! I don't know what the hell Hero and Wooldoor was doing in the kitchen, but it sure as hell didn't involve the Foxxy! (Toot turns to Wooldoor with an extremely confused look on her face.)

Wooldoor: Hero used an action figure of Foxxy as a stand-in for the real thing.

Toot: (to Hero) So you're married to an action figure now?

Hero: Well, the action figure- through the use of my super ventriloquism skills- may have been the one who said "I do", but it was the real Foxxy who signed that marriage paper!

Foxxy: You never said nothin' about that bein' no marriage paper! You told me that you was collecting an autograph for yo' sister, you said she was a fan of mine!

Hero: My sister only listens to Christian rock!

Toot: This wedding sounds like an even bigger sham than Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley!

Hero: Well, the wedding ceremony may not have been strictly according to the guidelines of the state, but that paper is real enough! And it proves that Foxxy and I are legally married!

Marty: No, it doesn't. (Everyone turns to Marty.)

Hero: What?

Marty: This isn't a marriage license, Hero. It's a McDonald's job application with the words "Application for employment" crossed out and the words "Marriage license" written in in crayon!

Hero: The man didn't have the right form!

Spanky: Didn't Monty Python do this bit?

Marty: You didn't even mark out the McDonald's logo!

Hero: Well, I think it would be very romantic for McDonald's to want to sponsor our wedding!

Wooldoor: Me, too! (to Hero) Can we go get a Happy Meal?

Toot: Captain Hero, you have absolutely lost your freaking mind! Why is it so hard for you to let somebody else have the spotlight for a change?

Hero: Well, when you're the center of nearly every episode for two seasons running, you just kind of get used to it!

Now thoroughly frustrated, Toot lets out a huge scream. At this point, Clara enters the room holding Jun-Jee.

Clara: Hey, everyone, guess who's had sex with over nine million Hindus? My housemate Toot, that's who! (Jun-Jee is stunned. Marty looks at Toot strangely. Sighing deeply, Toot buries her face in her hands.)

Jun-Jee: What this? Toot-san have sex with men of most dishonorable religion in world- next to Scientology, of course?

Cut to the island native playing a sting on his drum kit.

Toot: Yes, Jun-Jee. After we broke up, I went to India and had sex with... well... India!

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not believe it!

Clara: I had a feeling you might be skeptical, Jun-Jee. That's why I sent for some proof! (Clara walks over to the door.)

Hero: (walks over to Toot holding a very large book) Now show me where in the state marriage laws it states that a marriage certificate can't be written in crayon! Or adapted from an altered McDonald's application!

As Toot continues to groan in frustration, Foxxy walks over to Marty. She grabs the paper out of his hand and tears it up.

Foxxy: There! That should be the end of that! No more paper, no more marriage!

Wooldoor: I never realized it was that simple to get divorced! (He holds up a finger.) Excuse me, guys, I need to go end my marriage to Jennifer Lopez real quick!

Wooldoor leaves. Hero turns to Foxxy and Toot.

Hero: That paper was a copy, Foxxy. I already filed the original with the state! And the state said they could hire me to work the drive-through at $7.50 an hour plus all the Big Macs I can eat! (He turns to Foxxy seductively.) Have you ever been covered in Secret Sauce? (Foxxy looks thoughtful.)

Clara opens the door. There stands a tall Indian man in a turban.

Clara: Hello, King of India! I'm so glad you could stop by!

King of India: Can we make this quick? Mrs. Davis needs help reformatting her hard drive!

Clara: I just need you to verify some information for me! (With Jun-Jee watching, Clara leads the King of India into the living room.) Guys, this is the King of India! (Toot raises an eyebrow.) King... can you vouch that this lady right here had sex with over nine million of your countrymen?

King of India: (gasps) Oh, sweet Vishnu! It is the horrible woman who lied to us all and claimed to be the sacred talking cow!

Toot: (irritated) Nice going, Clara!

King of India: I must see to it that the blasphemer is punished! (He draws a long scimitar out of his robe and points it at Toot.) Death to the fake talking cow!

Toot: Eek! (Fearfully, she gets up and tries to run away. However, the King proceeds to chase her around the room.) Help, somebody save me!

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee save beloved Toot-san!

Jun-Jee rises into the air, forms an energy ball, and hurls it at the King of India. The King is immediately immobilized.

King of India: Oh, sweet Kali, avenge me!

Jun-Jee: (walks over to Toot) Jun-Jee not battle like that in ages! But for Toot-san, he find new strength rising up in him!

Toot: Are you sure that's not the hamburgers you had for lunch?

Hero: Toot, just to show that there are no hard feelings, I want you to be my maid of honor!

Toot: But haven't you already HAD the wedding?

Hero: So you admit it was a real wedding! That means I'm married and you're not! (He turns to the group.) So who's going to throw me a wedding shower?

Toot: Hero, please don't do this.

Jun-Jee reaches up and takes Toot's hand.

Jun-Jee: Toot-san, Jun-Jee know it customary for honorable groom to get down on one knee to propose. But given how Jun-Jee look, it make animation look too awkward, so he just stand if that okay. (He reaches into his fur and pulls out a ring.) Toot-san... will you marry Jun-Jee?

Marty: Excuse me, but I'm already engaged to this woman! You're going to have to leave!

King of India: (starting to emerge from his immobilization) I'm not dead... I'm getting better! (Jun-Jee shoots another energy ball at the King to re-immobilize him.) Oh, dear!

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not leave without bride!

Hero: Well, what about me? My cheap ploy for attention isn't going to mean anything if I'm having to compete with this other subplot!

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee want bride! And he fight anyone who get in way!

Hero: Oh, yeah? Well, I have superpowers too! And I'll wipe the floor with you, old man!

Spanky: It's not going to do me much good to be in the scene if the writer won't give me any lines!

Jun-Jee: Superhero not know who he messing with! Jun-Jee all powerful!

Hero: I kicked Aquaman's ass! And that's hard to do underwater!

Jun-Jee: Bring it on!

Wooldoor: (suddenly showing up in the doorway) I'm back now!

Jun-Jee attempts to hurl an energy ball at Hero. However, Hero uses his heat vision to make Jun-Jee's energy ball freeze in place. The two stand there for a moment trying to defeat each other, but the battle stays at stalemate.

Toot: Oh, this is ridiculous! Am I going to have to sort this whole thing out myself? (She sighs.) Fine. (Toot walks over to Hero and Jun-Jee. She grabs Jun-Jee in her left hand and Hero in her right to make them stop fighting.) Okay, you two. This is how it's going to be! (She turns to Hero.) So you want to be married? (Hero nods. Toot turns to Jun-Jee.) And YOU want to be married? (Jun-Jee nods.) Fine! (Toot throws them both down to the ground.) You two can marry each OTHER!

Hero: What?

Jun-Jee: Toot-san lose honorable mind?

Toot quickly walks over to the door and grabs Wooldoor. She drags him over to where Hero and Jun-Jee are standing.

Toot: Wooldoor, I want you to perform a marriage. I want you to marry Jun-Jee and Captain Hero!

Wooldoor: Toot, as a priest, I have a strict code against performing homosexual marriages-

Toot: I SAID MARRY THEM!

Wooldoor: (submissively) Yes, ma'am! (Now wearing his priest robes and holding a Bible, he turns to the two of them.) Do you, Jun-Jee, take Captain Leslie Hero to be your lawfully wedded... um... I don't suppose you've decided yet who's going to the husband and who's going to be the wife, have you?

Toot: Wooldoor, stop stalling! (She walks over to Jun-Jee.) Jun-Jee, just say you take Hero!

Jun-Jee: Well, uh... Jun-Jee not-

Toot: Take Hero, Jun-Jee!

Jun-Jee: (submissively) Okay.

Foxxy: Toot, can we talk to you for a minute? I think you might be starting to lose control.

Toot: I am not losing control! I am completely in control! (She turns to Hero.) Hero, take Jun-Jee! (Hero picks up Jun-Jee and starts to walk off with him.) Not like that, numbnuts!

Clara: Toot, I think Foxxy is right. Now I know you're under a lot of stress right now, but you ARE kinda starting to turn into a Bridezilla!

Toot: I AM NOT A BRIDEZILLA! (Suddenly the room goes completely quiet. Everyone is looking at Toot, stunned.) Okay, fine. Maybe I *am* a Bridezilla! But I can't help it! It's my wedding! I just want it to be perfect! (Just at that moment, the doorbell rings again.) Oh, who is it NOW?

Toot walks over to the door and opens it. Outside the door is a gigantic moth hovering in the air flapping its wings.

Toot: What the hell?

The moth emits a mild screeching noise, its way of communicating. The moth buzzes for a minute.

Toot: Mothra?

Mothra continues buzzing for a moment before stopping.

Toot: No, no. I said Bridezilla! BRIDE-zilla!

Mothra nods his head in realization. He then turns around and flies away. Toot closes the door. Clara and Foxxy walk up to her.

Foxxy: Toot, we're really sorry.

Clara: Are you okay, Toot?

Toot: Yeah. Yeah, I am. Thanks, guys.

Foxxy: Toot, don't worry about what we was saying in there. Like I said before, this is your wedding- the most special day of your life. There ain't nothing wrong with wanting it to be perfect.

Toot: Thanks, Foxxy. And I'm sorry I yelled at you guys. I know you were just trying to help.

Clara: Toot, I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. It wasn't what I intended at all!

Toot: I know, Clara.

Clara: I just thought that if I could solve all your problems... well...

Toot: I might reconsider and make you my maid of honor?

Clara: (ashamed) Yes.

Toot: It's okay, Clara. I know you probably think you were being pretty selfish, but you still wouldn't have done it all if you didn't really care about me.

Clara: That's right.

Toot: (turning to Foxxy) Foxxy? Look, I know I told you you could be my maid of honor, but-

Foxxy: Don't worry about it, Toot. You can go ahead and let Clara be your maid of honor. I guess I just didn't realize how much she really cared about you.

Toot: Thanks, Foxxy. (She turns to Clara.) So what do you say, Clara? Would you like to be my maid of honor? (Clara's face lights up.)

Clara: You mean that, Toot?

Toot: I mean it!

Happily, Clara hugs Toot.

Clara: Oh, Toot, I'm going to be the best maid of honor you could ever hope for!

Toot: I know you will, Clara! (They let go.)

Clara: Weren't you saying something once about wanting to get married in a Japanese garden?

Toot: Yes.

Clara: We have one at my castle! You can get married there!

Toot: (excited) I can? Wait- so I'm going to get married in Morningwood?

Clara: If you want to!

Toot: That HAS to be a good sign!

At that moment, Hero walks over to Toot.

Hero: Toot... I'm sorry I tried to steal your thunder. It's just that I saw all the attention you were getting, and... I guess I got jealous.

Toot: That's okay, Hero. You're not the only person around here who's had a problem with not being in the spotlight. (She looks at the others.) Do you guys remember how *I* was in Season One?

Clara: Oh, God!

Foxxy: You were a handful, all right!

Toot: So yeah, Hero. I guess what I'm trying to say is... I understand.

Hero: So we're cool?

Toot: We're cool.

Foxxy walks over to Hero.

Foxxy: So are you disappointed we ain't getting married just yet?

Hero: Kind of.

Foxxy: That's all right. We'll go ahead and let Toot go first. Then we'll swoop in and make our wedding so big everybody'll forget all about hers!

Hero: Goody!

Toot: Okay, then! I guess that means everything's been resolved!

Jun-Jee: No, it hasn't! Jun-Jee not happy! Still want bride!

Toot buries her face in her hands in frustration again. At that moment, Xandir suddenly walks into the scene.

Xandir: Toot, I have a complaint to make!

Toot: Oh, God, what now?

Xandir: The episode's almost over and I haven't had a single scene yet! I want to know what's up with that!

Jun-Jee: What about Jun-Jee? He still here too!

Toot: Okay... let's try this. (Toot grabs Xandir by the hand and drags him over to Jun-Jee.) Jun-Jee... meet your new bride! This is Xandir!

Xandir: Oh, wow! I've never done one of THESE things before!

Jun-Jee: Hold on second... Jun-Jee not go for this!

Toot: No?

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee may be old and have cataracts, but even HE have standards!

Toot begins to laugh. The others quickly join her. Everyone is now laughing except Xandir.

Xandir: Wait. Why is that funny?

Everyone continues to laugh. Xandir shrugs and walks off. The scene fades. The scene then fades back up on the living room some time later. Toot and Marty are watching TV. Hero and Foxxy walk in. Hero is holding a very large sack.

Foxxy: Hey, you two!

Marty: Hey, Foxxy.

Hero: You guys just watching TV?

Toot: Yup.

Hero: No binder?

Toot: We're kind of tired of the binder for the moment.

Marty: We're just going to relax and not worry about making wedding plans for a while.

Toot: Yeah, I'm a little burned out on the whole wedding thing for the moment. We'll bring the binder back when we've had some time to rest and clear our minds.

Foxxy: Good deal. Good deal.

Marty: So what's in the sack, Hero?

Hero: Oh, I'm just taking some garbage back to where it came from!

Foxxy: He's got the King of India in that sack. He's taking him back from whence he came!

Hero: Or failing that, I'll just dump him off at the nearest Dell call center.

Toot: Ah. Good deal.

Hero: I notice that Jun-Jee's not around anymore.

Toot: That's right, he's not!

Foxxy: Does that mean y'all finally figured out a way to get rid of him?

Toot: (laughs) Oh, yes! I found someone to take him off my hands! I'm really surprised I didn't think of her FIRST!

Cut to a restaurant in the city. We see Jun-Jee sitting at a table talking to a woman just beyond the camera's view.

Jun-Jee: So what you say? Pretty lady become Jun-Jee honorable geisha?

The camera pans over to reveal the identity of the woman Jun-Jee is talking to.

Denise: Well... okay. But it'll cost you a million yen a day! And consummating the marriage will cost you extra!

Jun-Jee: That okay! Jun-Jee can afford it!

Smiling, Jun-Jee leans over to kiss Denise, but she stops him. Jun-Jee nods in realization and pulls out a bill. He hands it to Denise. She pockets the money, then lets him complete the kiss. As the two continue to kiss, the scene fades to black.


THE END