Post by Raymond-Raymond on Apr 27, 2008 22:57:23 GMT -5
FOUL BALLS
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Spanky, Wooldoor, Hero, Toot, Ling-Ling, and Xandir are sitting in the living room watching TV.
News anchor: (on TV) And after a 17 day search, authorities were finally able to locate the head. (He puts his paper aside.) And now here's Carol with the weather.
Spanky: Guys, is there any reason we're watching the noonday news?
Xandir: So we can find out what's happening in the world, Spanky!
Spanky: And since when do we care about that?
Xandir: Good point. Wooldoor, turn it to E! (Wooldoor clicks the remote.)
E! reporter: (on TV) Britney could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the pop star report that she is very embarrassed by the incident, and hopes that her buttocks will return to normal again in two to three weeks. And now we go to Chip "Assbomb" Gonzalez with today's Paris Hilton report!
Chip: (on TV) (effeminately) Ted, I thought I told you I wanted to be called Firecracker!
Ted: (on TV) Chip, don't backtalk me on the air or else I'm not putting out tonight. (Chip sulks.)
The scene cuts back to the group watching TV.
Spanky: (checking his watch) Hmm... I wonder what Clara and Foxxy are up to. (He gets up out of the chair. He is holding a camera.) I think I'll go check and see if they want to watch TV with us. (Wearing a lascivious grin on his face, he begins to walk off.)
Toot: Spanky, just because Clara and Foxxy are both out of the room at the same time does not mean they're making out with each other!
Spanky: (turns around quickly) You don't know that!
Xandir: Give it up, Spanky. Clara is straight.
Hero: And Foxxy only kisses chicks these days as a courtesy to me!
Spanky: Fine. (He sits back down disgruntled.) But if they make out again and I miss it, it's going to be on all of your heads! (The group resumes watching TV.)
Announcer: (on TV) And now it's time for... "Where Are They Now?". (As pictures of Emmanuel Lewis cycle across the screen, the voiceover continues.) Emmanuel Lewis, better known as TV's Webster, found that life out of the spotlight was not worth living.
Toot: Gee, THAT'S an original story!
Announcer: After spending some time as a mall security guard, Lewis was last spotted in a low budget independent movie called "Star Whores: The Phantom Penis".
Wooldoor: Oh my God! TV's Webster is doing porn?
Spanky: Well, of course he is! What did you think he was doing?
Wooldoor: Not porn!
Spanky: Wooldoor, what did you expect? It had been ages since we'd heard from him!
Wooldoor: So?
Spanky: It's a statistical fact that all child stars you haven't heard from in a while are now doing porn.
Xandir: Really?
Spanky: Oh, yeah! Those kids from Mr. Belvedere? They're all doing porn now.
Hero: Vicki from Small Wonder?
Spanky: She's doing porn.
Toot: Eddie Munster?
Spanky: Porn.
Xandir: What about the kids from Growing Pains?
Spanky: Well, Kirk Cameron found Jesus, and Tracey Gold's had DUIs and eating disorders to keep her busy. But Ben and Chrissy are both doing porn.
Toot: The Cosby Show.
Spanky: Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa, and Rudy are all doing porn now. In fact, that kid who played Rudy was pretty obscure to begin with, so if I don't miss my guess, she's probably doing hardcore fetish porn by now.
Hero: You forgot about Raven, though, Spanky! She escaped the curse! She has her own TV show!
Spanky: Just give her about two more years. Then she'll be doing porn. (Everyone nods.) Oh, and the kid from Who's the Boss is now doing gay porn.
Xandir: (excited) He is? Um, do you know the title of it?
At that moment, Clara finally walks downstairs. She has a Los Angeles Angels cap on her head, and she is wearing a baseball jersey over her princess dress.
Clara: Hey, everyone! (Everyone turns.)
Spanky: Hey, Clara, were you making out with Foxxy?
Clara: Oh, I absolutely was! (Everyone except Spanky is stunned.)
Spanky: (turning to the group defiantly) I *told* you so!
Clara: Oh, wait, Spanky. Did you mean in real life or in your dreams? Because if it's the former, then... no way in hell! (Toot sticks her tongue out at Spanky. He waves his hand dismissively at her.) Anyway, you guys- guess what we're doing today! (She holds her hands out to reveal her Angels jersey.)
Toot: Angels? Wait- is the Rapture coming for real this time? Are we all being taken up to heaven? Goddammit, I *told* my mom that the Jews had it all wrong!
Clara: It's got nothing to do with the Rapture, Toot.
Wooldoor: I know what it is! We're joining the Hell's Angels! (He jumps up excitedly.) Wheeeeeeeeee! (He suddenly pulls a knife on Xandir.) Don't mess with me or I'll cut you, bitch!
Xandir: (blushing) Oh... Wooldoor! You're so forceful!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. Not a Hell's Angel. This is a Los Angeles Angels baseball jersey! We're going to a ball game today!
Wooldoor: A ball game? That sounds like fun!
Toot: Wooldoor, what DOESN'T sound like fun to you?
Wooldoor: Adult onset diabetes.
Clara: The producer gave me eight tickets to today's Angels game, so I thought it would be fun for all of us to go to the game!
Toot: That's great, Clara! But why did the producer give YOU the tickets?
Clara: I don't know. He seems to be under the impression that I've been giving him oral sex for the last two years. I don't know where he got THAT idea from!
Xandir: (nervously) Yeah. Um... me neither! (He suddenly looks down at his feet and realizes that he is wearing Clara's purple pumps. In a panic, he kicks the shoes off and tries to hide them.) No idea where he could have gotten that idea from. No, sir. No idea at all!
Clara: Anyway, I would have argued with him about it, but no way was I going to turn down the chance to go see my favorite team, the Angels, play!
Hero: So where's Foxxy?
Clara: Oh, she's upstairs. I told her about the tickets, so she started getting ready.
Foxxy: (voice) I'm ready, y'all!
Everyone turns. Stunned looks cross all their faces as Foxxy comes down the stairs. She wears Indian buckskin and moccasins, and on her head she sports a full Indian headdress. Her face is decorated with war paint.
Hero: Foxxy! Does this mean you've decided to indulge my fantasy and dress up like Pocahontas?
Foxxy: No... I'm dressed this way to support my team, the Indians!
Spanky: Wait. Clara, you didn't tell us that the Angels were playing the Indians today. In that case, I'm going to have to decline the invitation.
Clara: But, Spanky, why?
Spanky: I'm sorry, Clara, but I consider the use of Native American imagery in the names and logos of sports teams to be very offensive. It's culturally insensitive, and it's disrespectful of a proud people's great heritage.
Foxxy: Oh, come off it, Spanky! I'm part Injun and *I* ain't offended!
Spanky: You're part Indian? (She nods.) And THIS is how you pay tribute to your ancestors' memory? By dressing up like an extra from The Lone Ranger? What kind of Indian are you supposed to be, anyway? You're wearing Cherokee dress and Navajo shoes with Apache war paint and a Sioux chief's headdress!
Foxxy: Well, I, uh... I, uh...
Spanky: You didn't know there was more than one kind of Indian, did you? (He shakes his head disappointedly.) Foxxy, I am ashamed of you. (Spanky looks at Clara.) Sorry, Clara. You can count me out.
Foxxy: Spanky, please. I didn't mean any harm! Please go to the game with us!
Spanky: Well... (thinks for a moment, then turns) all right. (He looks squarely at Clara and Foxxy.) On one condition!
Clara: Foxxy and I are NOT making out with each other again!
Spanky: Oh, come on! As a show of racial solidarity? (Clara and Foxxy look at him sternly.) Oh, come on, Clara! You massacred her people and stole their land- the least you can do is give her a good, long tongue kiss! You know, to make it up to her!
Clara: Spanky, if I'm not mistaken, it was the United States government that did that to the Indians. But I'm not from the United States, remember? I'm from Morningwood!
Spanky: (grinning) Clara... how can someone from a place called Morningwood POSSIBLY not want to make out with another chick?
Clara: (looks at him for a moment) Are you guys EVER going to explain that joke to me?
Spanky: Someday. When it stops being funny.
Clara looks at Foxxy in confusion. Spanky snickers. Foxxy shrugs. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to a long shot of the ballpark. We see the name Angel Stadium in large letters. A sign is posted on the outside of the building that reads "Today: Angels vs. Indians". Below it hangs a smaller sign. "Just because the team is called the Angels does not mean the pope is here. So please stop asking." The scene changes to inside the park. The housemates make their way through the stands. They find their seats a few rows behind the dugout on the first base side and begin to get situated.
Wooldoor: Oh, boy, this is going to be great! I've never been to a real live baseball game! Unless you count when I was a coach in Little League!
Cut to a small baseball field. Wooldoor, unshaven and wearing a baseball uniform, has a huge tobacco bulge in the side of his mouth and is holding a beer. A bunch of Sweetcakes all wearing baseball uniforms are sitting in the dugout. Wooldoor paces in front of them angrily, stopping momentarily to look them up and down.)
Wooldoor: You call that baseball? That wasn't baseball! My alcoholic grandma could play baseball better than you! Now what do you have to say for yourselves? (A solitary Sweetcake sticks her hand up nervously.) You got something to say, runt?
Sweetcake #1: Mr. Sockbat, sir... we don't want to be here right now! We're only playing baseball because our parents made us! (The other Sweetcakes murmur in agreement.)
Sweetcake #2: Yeah!
Sweetcake #3: We wanna play with Barbie dolls and watch Justin Timberlake videos!
Sweetcake #1: Please, Mr. Sockbat, sir? We don't want to do a Bad News Bears parody!
Wooldoor: Well, forget it! You're going to go out there and win that championship! Cause if you don't, I'm going to tell your parents and you'll all be grounded! (The Sweetcakes all begin to cry.) What the hell is this? Are you crying? Don't you know there's no crying in baseball?
Sweetcake #1: But Mr. Sockbat, we don't want to do a League of Their Own parody either!
Wooldoor does a slow burn. The scene changes back to the present.
Hero: You know, Clara, I had no idea you were a baseball fan!
Clara: Hero, could you name ANY of my hobbies if challenged?
Hero: (thinks for a moment) Crossword puzzles?
Clara: Have you ever seen me do a crossword puzzle?
Hero: (hangs his head) I suppose not.
Clara: Because I do them all the time, you know.
Hero: Oh.
Clara: But regarding baseball... ever since I found out there was a team called the Angels, I knew I just had to support them!
Spanky: I bet you love it when they beat the Devil Rays, don't you?
Clara: I do! I love kicking their asses!
Toot: I bet you hated it when they dropped the devil part and became just the Rays, didn't you?
Clara: Oh, they're still the Devil Rays, Toot. Believe me. They can try to hide behind semantic trickery... but God sees what they're doing!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling from Asia... baseball very big there too! Ling-Ling want to support team too... he just wish he had fancy baseball gear like Carla!
Clara: Actually, Ling-Ling, I'm glad you mentioned that. Because I picked something up for you at the souvenir stand on the way in. Look! (Clara pulls out an Angels cap.) Your very own Angels cap! (Ling-Ling is excited.) Here, let me put it on you.
Clara puts the cap on Ling-Ling's head. However, the hat is far too big for him, falling down over his eyes.
Ling-Ling: Um, Carla? Kind of hard for Ling-Ling to root for team when he not able to see game.
Clara: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling, I guess the hat's too big. I would have gotten you a smaller one, but that's the smallest size they have!
Xandir: Oh, here, I can fix it for him! (Xandir reaches behind his back and pulls out a safety pin. He pins the sides of the hat together to make it smaller. He places the hat on Ling-Ling's head. It now fits perfectly.)
Ling-Ling: Thanks, butt monkey!
Foxxy: Butt monkey?
Xandir: Yeah, I asked Ling-Ling to start calling me that instead of homo. It's catchier!
Clara: Xandir... where did you pull that pin out of?
Xandir: (thinks for a moment) Clara, I really think you'd rather not know.
Clara: You're probably right.
Toot walks onto the scene. She has a giant foam finger on her hand.
Toot: (calling toward the field) Hey, Rodriguez! (She holds the finger in front of herself, trying to make it look like she is giving the bird.) Suck my balls! And you- Guerrero! (She uses the foam finger to give the bird again.) You suck my balls too!
Spanky: I knew it was a mistake to let her get that thing.
Clara: Toot, I like your spirit, but neither of those players speaks any English.
Toot: Oh. Right. (She turns toward the field and flips the players off with the foam finger again.) Yo! Chulos! Chupa mi testiculos! Comprende?
Toot (in confessional, which appears to be located in a baseball dugout): I know how to say "suck my balls" in 17 different languages!
The housemates finally get settled. In one row, they sit Hero, Clara, Ling-Ling, and Toot left to right, while in the row behind them, they sit Foxxy, Spanky, Xandir, and Wooldoor left to right. They cease their conversation and turn their attention to the field.
PA announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise for the singing of our national anthem? (The housemates all stand up and turn their attention to a microphone set up at home plate. As they all salute the flag, a blonde woman walks out followed by two flag-bearers. She positions herself in front of the microphone.) Performing our national anthem today is Oscar award-winning actress and future porn star Gwyneth Paltrow! (As Gwyneth begins to sing, the group, while continuing to salute the flag, begins to stir.)
Clara: Gwyneth Paltrow singing the Star-Spangled Banner? Are they kidding? This is the biggest travesty since they cast her as that princess in the musical version of that cartoon show!
Foxxy: I just hope she don't do like Lucy Lawless did when she sang the national anthem at that hockey game! You remember that, Spanky? She hit that high note at the end and her shirt popped right open!
Spanky: Clara, quick, hit a high note!
Clara: Why?
Spanky: Just do it!
Toot: Spanky, I thought you were over that whole wanting to see Clara naked thing several episodes ago!
Spanky: I think I owe it to Clara to give her another chance!
Wooldoor: (singing loudly) And the hooooooooooome... of the...
Toot: She hasn't come to that part yet, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Oh, sorry!
Gwyneth: And the hooooooooooome of the... brave! (She suddenly stops.) Yay, I did it! I got through the whole song without messing up!
Flag-bearer: Gwyneth, your mike's still on.
Gwyneth: Ah, who cares? (Gwyneth grabs her crotch while simultaneously flipping off the crowd. Screaming loudly, she then throws her fists up in the air and walks off the field triumphantly.)
Umpire: Play ball!
Xandir: Oh! Did he say- (Everyone turns to Xandir.)
Everyone: No!
Xandir: (disappointed) Oh.
Foxxy stands up and begins cheering.
Foxxy: Woooooooooo! Go Indians!
Spanky: (standing up and yelling also) Yeah, Indians! Go scalp your opponents just like they do in TV westerns, which as we all know, are a 100% true depiction of actual Native American culture!
Foxxy: (turning to Spanky) Spanky, I'm just trying to cheer on my team, not change history!
Spanky: Your team's mascot is a racist symbol, Foxxy! (Hero looks confused. Clara sighs and grasps her forehead in frustration. The others look on with curiosity.)
Foxxy: Oh, no it ain't, Spanky!
Spanky: Foxxy, if I started a team called the LA Minstrels, and our mascot was a minstrel in blackface, and they played "Mammy" before every home game- just admit it. You'd be offended!
Foxxy: Yes, I'd be offended, Spanky. But that's different!
Spanky: How is it different?
Foxxy: Because everyone would know you're doing that just to be racist! But that ain't how it is with the Indians at all! The Injuns is proud warriors- there ain't nothing shameful about naming yourself after them!
Spanky: Well, I happen to think that the minstrel show is a proud tradition!
Clara: Guys, could you please stop this? I came here to watch the game, not listen to you two argue about political correctness!
Foxxy: Turning a blind eye like you usually do, huh, Clara?
Clara: How did I get sucked into this?
Xandir: (whining) Ohhhhh! I hate wooden seats! They're so uncomfortable!
Spanky: What's the matter, Xandir? Afraid you might get a splinter in your ass?
Xandir: Hmmm... in my ass, you say? (Slightly weirded out, Toot gets up and approaches Xandir.)
Toot: Xandir?
Xandir: Yes, Toot?
Toot: (holding out her foam finger) Would you and my giant foam finger like to be alone together?
Xandir: Ooh! (He grabs the finger eagerly. He stands up.) I'll bring this right back!
Toot: That's okay, Xandir. You keep it.
Xandir: Okay! (He dashes off.)
Clara: Is Xandir running off to go pleasure himself with that giant foam finger?
Toot: Oh, yeah.
Clara: I *want* to raise a stink about that... but I honestly don't think I care anymore.
Foxxy: Wise decision.
Hero: Hmmm... this "baseball" of yours intrigues me very much. How does this game work, Clara?
Clara: Are you serious? Have you never seen a baseball game before? Oh, wait, I know. This is about you being afraid of sports, isn't it?
Hero: Wait- baseball is a sport? (He draws back, terrified.) Why didn't somebody TELL me?
Foxxy: Clara, if it don't involve food, violence, or naked women, suffice it to say Hero don't know jack squat about it!
Clara: Well, Hero, I don't claim to be a baseball expert, but I can teach you what I can. All I really know are the basics, though.
Hero: Hmm... how about we start with that man in the gray uniform down there? Why is he walking around carrying that club? Is he going to hit somebody?
Clara: No, Hero, that's his bat. He uses it to hit the ball.
Hero: Oh, you can hit people's balls in this game? (becomes giddy) Oh, this DOES sound violent!
Clara: (sighs) This is going to be a long day.
Wooldoor: (getting restless) I'm bored! (to Clara) Can I go get a snow cone?
Clara: Okay, Wooldoor. But not by yourself. Make sure someone goes with you!
Wooldoor: Awwwwww! Why?
Clara: Because, Wooldoor, this is a big ballpark! There might be a sexual predator lurking out there!
Wooldoor: A sexual predator? At the ballpark? That's ridiculous!
Toot: Xandir's still out there.
Wooldoor: Good point. Toot, will you go with me?
Toot: Me? Why do *I* have to take you?
Wooldoor: Because, Toot! You're my best friend!
Toot: I thought your best friend was either Hero or Clara, depending on how gay or childlike you are at any given moment!
Wooldoor: Toot, you're like the sister I never had!
Toot: Wooldoor, you've GOT a sister! I've seen her photo on your dresser!
Wooldoor: I *had* a sister! But she tragically lost her life when a fire hydrant fell on her from a second story window! (He begins sobbing.)
Foxxy: Isn't that funny? The exact same thing happened to my little Timmy!
Foxxy (in confessional): (sadly) Oh, little Timmy. Mommy misses you.
Ling-Ling turns around eagerly.
Ling-Ling: What this? Sockbat lose sister? (Wooldoor nods.) Same thing happen to Ling-Ling!
Wooldoor: Really? I guess we have something in common, then! (Ling-Ling nods.) So how did your sister die, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Drowning. What else? (Wooldoor nods his head in acknowledgement.) So what Sockbat sister's name?
Wooldoor: Gertrude. What was yours?
Ling-Ling: Which one? There Ring-Ring, Ching-Chong, Sing-Sing, Pan-Pan, Chip-Chop, Ping-Pong, Chop-Chop, Stir-Fry, Ding-Dang, Rang-Ring, Ling-Dong, Beth...
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor- since you and Ling-Ling have so much in common, I think HE should take you to the concession stand! It would give you a chance to get to know each other better!
Ling-Ling: Get real! Ling-Ling not go out there alone with homo still on prowl!
Spanky: Ling-Ling, look how tiny your ass is! Xandir couldn't rape you even if he wanted to! What's he going to put it in?
Ling-Ling: Knowing Xandir, he could make his own-
Clara: Okay, that's enough of that! I'd rather not sit here and listen to you guys talking about my husband being sodomized, if that's okay.
Spanky: (to Hero, quietly) Does Clara not know about that canoe ride the three of us took?
Toot: Clara, why don't YOU go with Wooldoor? You're almost like his mommy anyway!
Clara: Me? Why should *I* be the one to go? I'm probably the only person here who actually cares about the game!
Foxxy: No you ain't, Clara! The Foxxy cares about the game, too!
Clara: Yeah, but you root for the bad guys, so you don't count. (Foxxy scowls.)
Spanky: Clara, I take offense at your stereotyping the Native Americans as villains. They're a just and noble people who only resorted to war after their peaceful way of life had been brutally wrested away from them-
Clara: I'm just talking about baseball, Spanky! Don't give me the white devil speech again, okay?
Spanky: Fine. Anyway, people, it looks like there's only one fair way to settle this. We'll draw straws! (There is a general murmur of consent. Spanky pulls out seven pads of paper and seven pencils. He hands a pencil and a pad to each housemate present, keeping the seventh of each for himself.) All right. Now... draw!
Everyone quickly makes a sketch. They then tear off the top pages of their pads and hand the pieces of paper to Spanky.
Spanky: Okay, let's see what we got here.
The camera angle changes to a shot behind Spanky, revealing everyone's drawing. They have all drawn pictures of straws. Spanky sorts through the drawings and picks out the smallest picture.
Spanky: Sorry, Toot. Looks like you drew the short straw!
Toot: Goddammit! (She sighs and gets up.) All right. Come on, Wooldoor. Let's go get a snow cone!
Wooldoor: (jumping up excitedly) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! (He and Toot begin to walk off together.) Since when is it so difficult to convince you to go get food, anyway? (They exit. Hero turns to Clara.)
Hero: (pointing to the field) Okay, Clara, so what just happened there? It looked like the man in the white uniform tried to attack the man in the gray uniform with a flying karate kick, so the man in the gray uniform responded by... trying to feel him up, apparently. This made the man in the light blue shirt and khaki pants very upset- I guess he's the guy's boyfriend or something- so he tried to punch out the man in white! But wait- if it's the man in gray he's mad at, shouldn't he have tried punching the man in gray? Or is he like me and just hits indiscriminately until he gets the right target?
Clara: Oh, Hero... you truly have the soul of a play-by-play announcer. No, Hero, what just happened... the Angels player tried to steal second base- that's why he was sliding in with his feet. And the Indians player wasn't feeling him up- he was tagging him out.
Hero: But... why did he touch him on the-
Clara: That's just where the ball was, Hero.
Hero: I know that's where the ball was, Clara! One thing I do know a thing or two about is human anatomy!
Foxxy: Yeah, after I taught it to you!
Hero: Be that as it may!
Foxxy: Our relationship ain't reached the catchphrase-sharing phase just yet, Hero!
Hero: (turning back to Clara) So why was that player trying to run, anyway, Clara? Was he afraid the man with the stick was going to start chasing after him?
Clara: He wasn't running from anybody, Hero. He was just trying to get to second base!
Hero: (grinning) Second base, huh?
Clara: I really should have phrased that more carefully.
Hero: So HE was trying to feel the OTHER guy up! I had it all backwards!
Clara: I know I'm not Jewish, but... oy, vey!
Hero: Really, he shouldn't have even worried! The man with the stick is a total puss, if you ask me! Instead of going to help his teammate, the man just stands there holding his stick! What good does it do you to have a weapon if you aren't going to use it?
Clara shakes her head in disbelief. The two of them turn their attention back to the game. On the next pitch, the Angels batter hits a single into left center field. As the left fielder corrals the ball and throws it to the first baseman, the hitter drops his bat and runs to first base.
Hero: Wait a minute! He... he hit the ball... and then he took off running! I think I see what's going on!
Clara: Finally!
Hero: The ball must be some sort of bomb! The man standing on the large lump of dirt tried to attack the man with the stick by hurling the bomb at him, but the man then very cleverly chose to use his stick to deflect the bomb away from himself! (Clara sits stunned, staring at Hero.) Now after the man hit the bomb out into the field there admist all the players in gray, the man out in- what did you call that place- left field... he tried to thwart the man in white's plan by rushing in, and in a moment of extreme bravery, saving his teammates from destruction by intercepting the bomb's path! (Clara is still stunned.) THEN- he decided to turn the man in white's plan back around on him by hurling the bomb back toward the place that the man in white was running to! Now the man in white saw this maneuever, and so he rushed toward the place where the bomb was being thrown! But I don't understand something. Why did the other man in gray risk certain death by catching the bomb? Especially since the man in white very foolishly dropped his stick before he ran into the fray?
Clara: (looking at Foxxy) I hope your kids get YOUR intelligence.
Foxxy: I'm way ahead of you, Clara. (Clara nods. The three turn their attention back toward the game.)
Wooldoor (in confessional): Toot and I went to the concession stand and got a hot dog, a snow cone, some cracker jacks, another snow cone, some ice cream, a filet mignon, some popcorn, and another snow cone! After we were done eating all that, we stopped and had a snack!
Cut to Wooldoor and Toot at the concession stand. Wooldoor's arms are full of ballpark food, while Toot holds a hot dog in one hand and an ice cream cone stacked high to the heavens in the other.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee, I love ballpark food!
Toot: (licking her ice cream cone) Yeah... it's okay.
Wooldoor: Can we go to the souvenir stand next?
Toot: Sure, I guess so.
As Wooldoor continues to struggle with his armfuls of food, Toot shoves the hot dog in her mouth, then with one bite, downs the entire ice cream cone. The two begin to walk down the walkway a bit. However, just as they approach the souvenir stand, they suddenly stop. A look of alarm crosses Toot's face.
Souvenir vendor: (handing Xandir a foam finger nearly twice as large as the one Toot had earlier) Here. How's this one?
Xandir: (disappointed) Awwwww! Don't you have any bigger ones?
Souvenir vendor: That's the biggest one we have. Sorry!
Xandir: Well... what do you have in terms of bats?
Wooldoor: Wait. Is he that sexual predator you guys were talking about earlier?
Toot: Yes.
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. Thanks for looking out for me, Toot!
Toot: Don't mention it. So anyway, Wooldoor, I think it's time we get back to our seats now. Okay?
Wooldoor: Okay! (They start to walk away, but Wooldoor suddenly stops.) Wait!
Toot: (stopping) What is it?
Wooldoor: I wanna get cotton candy now!
Toot: Wooldoor, I don't know... my feet are kind of tired and I'd really like to just go back to my seat and-
Wooldoor: (Shoving Toot aside, he takes off running.) Race you!
Toot: Goddammit, Wooldoor, you could have at least offered to bring me some back! (She sighs, then takes off after Wooldoor.)
Spanky (in confessional): I'd been a good guy for most of the game. I hadn't said a word about how deeply offended I was at the mockery of the Native Americans. But when Cleveland started to rally in the top of the fifth... well, I went on the warpath!
Cut back to the game. An Indians batter gets a base hit, putting runners on first and second. Foxxy stands up and begins cheering.
Foxxy: Woohoo! Yeah, baby, that's the way you do it! Go Injuns! Go Injuns! (Spanky sits trying to hold his tongue. Foxxy leans over to Clara.) Guess what, Clara? We is kicking y'all's asses today!
Clara: You haven't scored YET, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Yes, we have! When you got up to go to the bathroom, Hero and I-
Clara: I meant your team hasn't gotten any runs!
Foxxy: But we will. Oh, just you wait, princess. We will. (Clara returns her attention to the game. The count goes to 3-0 on the Indians batter. Foxxy grows more excited.) Yeah, baby! You take that base on balls! Then we'll load the bases and have us a grand slam! Not like the kind they have at Denny's though- I mean the home run kind.
The batter walks, loading the bases. Foxxy is beside herself. She stands up.
Foxxy: Woooooooooooo! Oh, yeah! Go, Injuns! It's your birthday! Not for real-real, just for play-play! (Spanky is trying desperately to hold his anger in check. Foxxy begins dancing. It begins as one of her typical booty-shaking dances, but after a moment she begins doing something resembling a tribal dance. When she starts doing a war chant, Spanky can take no more.)
Spanky: That's it! (grabbing her arm to make her stop dancing) Foxxy, stop that right now!
Foxxy: Oh, stop it, Spanky! I'm just trying to support the Injuns!
Spanky: And another thing. They're called Native Americans. Not Indians, or Injuns, or Cholos, or Apples, or Neechees, or Timberheads, or Maize Eaters, or whatever kind of colorful term you may come up with. They're Native Americans. Period.
Clara: Spanky, the team is called the Indians.
Spanky: It's not even a fitting name anyway. I mean, I could see it if the team was actually made up of Indians. But they aren't. In fact, there isn't one single Native American on the team, is there?
Clara: Spanky, you're taking it much too literally.
Foxxy: Yeah! I mean, it ain't like the Cubs is actually a team of little bears! And the people on the Brewers don't actually make beer! And the Giants? (A slight smile crosses her face.) Who are they kidding?
Spanky: Maybe you have a point. I mean, it's not like the Padres are actually a team of monks!
Clara: Actually, you're wrong, Spanky. Team management makes all the players become ordained as monks before they're allowed to play for the team.
Spanky: Be that as it may.
Hero: If I can't do it, you can't!
Spanky: (to Clara) Indians refers to people from the nation of India- not the native people of the American continent.
Foxxy: So what do you want them to do, Spanky? Change their logo to a guy in a turban working in a call center?
Hero: Their mascot could be a cow that isn't being eaten!
Spanky: Their caps could be in the shape of turbans! And the emblem on their caps could be a red dot!
Foxxy: So if you think about, it's actually the Angels playing against the Cleveland Hindus!
Ling-Ling: (turning to Clara) This give Ling-Ling more incentive to root for Carla's team, if they beating team of people father hates!
Spanky: Okay... maybe I can be down with all this.
Foxxy: Spanky, I don't mean to be racist. Honest I don't. And I know you think I'm making a mockery of my people by dressing up like this. But really, I'm proud to be part Native American. And just because I may dress and act like a stereotype sometimes don't mean that's all there is to me!
Spanky: I guess you have a point. I mean, beneath the gaudy clothes and the war paint, you truly have a spirit that's noble and wise. And THAT'S something that would make your Indian ancestors proud.
Foxxy: I'm sorry, Spanky, I guess I should have remembered how you felt about things before I dressed up like this.
Spanky: Don't worry about it. You didn't mean any disrespect.
Foxxy: Thanks. Hey, Spanky, can I ask you something?
Spanky: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Why IS you all het up about the Indians, anyway? I mean, most racism that comes along, you just laugh about it. Why are the Indians the one thing that touches a nerve?
Spanky: It's hard to explain. I guess I spent so much time laughing at racist stereotypes that a part of me needed an outlet for it... I felt like I needed a cause to champion so I could prove to myself I wasn't a boob who was insensitive to every culture that was different from mine.
Foxxy: Really?
Spanky: Yeah, plus, I wanted to set myself apart from Clara in some way. I mean, I may have been racist, but at least I wasn't as racist as HER! (Clara is offended. Spanky sneers at her.) But then YOU had to go and have all this "character development"! Ooh, I'm Clara and I'm too good to be racist now!
Clara: So now I'm being mocked for NOT being racist anymore? I can't win!
Foxxy: But why the Indians, Spanky?
Spanky: Well, it would have been hard to enjoy your character's antics if I got all worked up about BLACK stereotypes, now wouldn't it? Same deal with Ling-Ling and the Asian stereotypes! (The camera briefly shows Ling-Ling eating popcorn with chopsticks.) And as for the Mexicans, well, when you're on the same network as Carlos Mencia... it's hard to find any sympathy for those people.
Foxxy: So what about white stereotypes, Spanky?
Spanky: White stereotypes?
Foxxy: Yeah! Everyone knows it's okay to make fun of white people! You need to start making fun of Clara for going to the mall a lot and being a yuppie!
Clara: Wait a minute! I am not a yuppie! And just how the heck do I keep getting roped into this story, anyway?
Spanky: Go back to Starbucks, yuppie!
Foxxy: Yeah! And free my ancestors, while you're at it!
Spanky: I hear music playing, Clara- shouldn't you be up moving your body without any sense of rhythm whatsoever?
Foxxy: And shaking that tiny lump on your backside you refer to as a booty?
Spanky: I hope this game ends soon. I'd hate for Clara to be late getting home and have to miss Frasier!
Spanky and Foxxy both break down laughing. A very disgruntled Clara turns to Ling-Ling.
Clara: Ling-Ling, Foxxy and Spanky are making fun of me for being white!
Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling like Carla non-existent hips!
Clara looks at Ling-Ling questioningly for a moment. She then chuckles and picks him up. As she hugs him, the scene fades.
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. Spanky, Wooldoor, Hero, Toot, Ling-Ling, and Xandir are sitting in the living room watching TV.
News anchor: (on TV) And after a 17 day search, authorities were finally able to locate the head. (He puts his paper aside.) And now here's Carol with the weather.
Spanky: Guys, is there any reason we're watching the noonday news?
Xandir: So we can find out what's happening in the world, Spanky!
Spanky: And since when do we care about that?
Xandir: Good point. Wooldoor, turn it to E! (Wooldoor clicks the remote.)
E! reporter: (on TV) Britney could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the pop star report that she is very embarrassed by the incident, and hopes that her buttocks will return to normal again in two to three weeks. And now we go to Chip "Assbomb" Gonzalez with today's Paris Hilton report!
Chip: (on TV) (effeminately) Ted, I thought I told you I wanted to be called Firecracker!
Ted: (on TV) Chip, don't backtalk me on the air or else I'm not putting out tonight. (Chip sulks.)
The scene cuts back to the group watching TV.
Spanky: (checking his watch) Hmm... I wonder what Clara and Foxxy are up to. (He gets up out of the chair. He is holding a camera.) I think I'll go check and see if they want to watch TV with us. (Wearing a lascivious grin on his face, he begins to walk off.)
Toot: Spanky, just because Clara and Foxxy are both out of the room at the same time does not mean they're making out with each other!
Spanky: (turns around quickly) You don't know that!
Xandir: Give it up, Spanky. Clara is straight.
Hero: And Foxxy only kisses chicks these days as a courtesy to me!
Spanky: Fine. (He sits back down disgruntled.) But if they make out again and I miss it, it's going to be on all of your heads! (The group resumes watching TV.)
Announcer: (on TV) And now it's time for... "Where Are They Now?". (As pictures of Emmanuel Lewis cycle across the screen, the voiceover continues.) Emmanuel Lewis, better known as TV's Webster, found that life out of the spotlight was not worth living.
Toot: Gee, THAT'S an original story!
Announcer: After spending some time as a mall security guard, Lewis was last spotted in a low budget independent movie called "Star Whores: The Phantom Penis".
Wooldoor: Oh my God! TV's Webster is doing porn?
Spanky: Well, of course he is! What did you think he was doing?
Wooldoor: Not porn!
Spanky: Wooldoor, what did you expect? It had been ages since we'd heard from him!
Wooldoor: So?
Spanky: It's a statistical fact that all child stars you haven't heard from in a while are now doing porn.
Xandir: Really?
Spanky: Oh, yeah! Those kids from Mr. Belvedere? They're all doing porn now.
Hero: Vicki from Small Wonder?
Spanky: She's doing porn.
Toot: Eddie Munster?
Spanky: Porn.
Xandir: What about the kids from Growing Pains?
Spanky: Well, Kirk Cameron found Jesus, and Tracey Gold's had DUIs and eating disorders to keep her busy. But Ben and Chrissy are both doing porn.
Toot: The Cosby Show.
Spanky: Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa, and Rudy are all doing porn now. In fact, that kid who played Rudy was pretty obscure to begin with, so if I don't miss my guess, she's probably doing hardcore fetish porn by now.
Hero: You forgot about Raven, though, Spanky! She escaped the curse! She has her own TV show!
Spanky: Just give her about two more years. Then she'll be doing porn. (Everyone nods.) Oh, and the kid from Who's the Boss is now doing gay porn.
Xandir: (excited) He is? Um, do you know the title of it?
At that moment, Clara finally walks downstairs. She has a Los Angeles Angels cap on her head, and she is wearing a baseball jersey over her princess dress.
Clara: Hey, everyone! (Everyone turns.)
Spanky: Hey, Clara, were you making out with Foxxy?
Clara: Oh, I absolutely was! (Everyone except Spanky is stunned.)
Spanky: (turning to the group defiantly) I *told* you so!
Clara: Oh, wait, Spanky. Did you mean in real life or in your dreams? Because if it's the former, then... no way in hell! (Toot sticks her tongue out at Spanky. He waves his hand dismissively at her.) Anyway, you guys- guess what we're doing today! (She holds her hands out to reveal her Angels jersey.)
Toot: Angels? Wait- is the Rapture coming for real this time? Are we all being taken up to heaven? Goddammit, I *told* my mom that the Jews had it all wrong!
Clara: It's got nothing to do with the Rapture, Toot.
Wooldoor: I know what it is! We're joining the Hell's Angels! (He jumps up excitedly.) Wheeeeeeeeee! (He suddenly pulls a knife on Xandir.) Don't mess with me or I'll cut you, bitch!
Xandir: (blushing) Oh... Wooldoor! You're so forceful!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. Not a Hell's Angel. This is a Los Angeles Angels baseball jersey! We're going to a ball game today!
Wooldoor: A ball game? That sounds like fun!
Toot: Wooldoor, what DOESN'T sound like fun to you?
Wooldoor: Adult onset diabetes.
Clara: The producer gave me eight tickets to today's Angels game, so I thought it would be fun for all of us to go to the game!
Toot: That's great, Clara! But why did the producer give YOU the tickets?
Clara: I don't know. He seems to be under the impression that I've been giving him oral sex for the last two years. I don't know where he got THAT idea from!
Xandir: (nervously) Yeah. Um... me neither! (He suddenly looks down at his feet and realizes that he is wearing Clara's purple pumps. In a panic, he kicks the shoes off and tries to hide them.) No idea where he could have gotten that idea from. No, sir. No idea at all!
Clara: Anyway, I would have argued with him about it, but no way was I going to turn down the chance to go see my favorite team, the Angels, play!
Hero: So where's Foxxy?
Clara: Oh, she's upstairs. I told her about the tickets, so she started getting ready.
Foxxy: (voice) I'm ready, y'all!
Everyone turns. Stunned looks cross all their faces as Foxxy comes down the stairs. She wears Indian buckskin and moccasins, and on her head she sports a full Indian headdress. Her face is decorated with war paint.
Hero: Foxxy! Does this mean you've decided to indulge my fantasy and dress up like Pocahontas?
Foxxy: No... I'm dressed this way to support my team, the Indians!
Spanky: Wait. Clara, you didn't tell us that the Angels were playing the Indians today. In that case, I'm going to have to decline the invitation.
Clara: But, Spanky, why?
Spanky: I'm sorry, Clara, but I consider the use of Native American imagery in the names and logos of sports teams to be very offensive. It's culturally insensitive, and it's disrespectful of a proud people's great heritage.
Foxxy: Oh, come off it, Spanky! I'm part Injun and *I* ain't offended!
Spanky: You're part Indian? (She nods.) And THIS is how you pay tribute to your ancestors' memory? By dressing up like an extra from The Lone Ranger? What kind of Indian are you supposed to be, anyway? You're wearing Cherokee dress and Navajo shoes with Apache war paint and a Sioux chief's headdress!
Foxxy: Well, I, uh... I, uh...
Spanky: You didn't know there was more than one kind of Indian, did you? (He shakes his head disappointedly.) Foxxy, I am ashamed of you. (Spanky looks at Clara.) Sorry, Clara. You can count me out.
Foxxy: Spanky, please. I didn't mean any harm! Please go to the game with us!
Spanky: Well... (thinks for a moment, then turns) all right. (He looks squarely at Clara and Foxxy.) On one condition!
Clara: Foxxy and I are NOT making out with each other again!
Spanky: Oh, come on! As a show of racial solidarity? (Clara and Foxxy look at him sternly.) Oh, come on, Clara! You massacred her people and stole their land- the least you can do is give her a good, long tongue kiss! You know, to make it up to her!
Clara: Spanky, if I'm not mistaken, it was the United States government that did that to the Indians. But I'm not from the United States, remember? I'm from Morningwood!
Spanky: (grinning) Clara... how can someone from a place called Morningwood POSSIBLY not want to make out with another chick?
Clara: (looks at him for a moment) Are you guys EVER going to explain that joke to me?
Spanky: Someday. When it stops being funny.
Clara looks at Foxxy in confusion. Spanky snickers. Foxxy shrugs. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to a long shot of the ballpark. We see the name Angel Stadium in large letters. A sign is posted on the outside of the building that reads "Today: Angels vs. Indians". Below it hangs a smaller sign. "Just because the team is called the Angels does not mean the pope is here. So please stop asking." The scene changes to inside the park. The housemates make their way through the stands. They find their seats a few rows behind the dugout on the first base side and begin to get situated.
Wooldoor: Oh, boy, this is going to be great! I've never been to a real live baseball game! Unless you count when I was a coach in Little League!
Cut to a small baseball field. Wooldoor, unshaven and wearing a baseball uniform, has a huge tobacco bulge in the side of his mouth and is holding a beer. A bunch of Sweetcakes all wearing baseball uniforms are sitting in the dugout. Wooldoor paces in front of them angrily, stopping momentarily to look them up and down.)
Wooldoor: You call that baseball? That wasn't baseball! My alcoholic grandma could play baseball better than you! Now what do you have to say for yourselves? (A solitary Sweetcake sticks her hand up nervously.) You got something to say, runt?
Sweetcake #1: Mr. Sockbat, sir... we don't want to be here right now! We're only playing baseball because our parents made us! (The other Sweetcakes murmur in agreement.)
Sweetcake #2: Yeah!
Sweetcake #3: We wanna play with Barbie dolls and watch Justin Timberlake videos!
Sweetcake #1: Please, Mr. Sockbat, sir? We don't want to do a Bad News Bears parody!
Wooldoor: Well, forget it! You're going to go out there and win that championship! Cause if you don't, I'm going to tell your parents and you'll all be grounded! (The Sweetcakes all begin to cry.) What the hell is this? Are you crying? Don't you know there's no crying in baseball?
Sweetcake #1: But Mr. Sockbat, we don't want to do a League of Their Own parody either!
Wooldoor does a slow burn. The scene changes back to the present.
Hero: You know, Clara, I had no idea you were a baseball fan!
Clara: Hero, could you name ANY of my hobbies if challenged?
Hero: (thinks for a moment) Crossword puzzles?
Clara: Have you ever seen me do a crossword puzzle?
Hero: (hangs his head) I suppose not.
Clara: Because I do them all the time, you know.
Hero: Oh.
Clara: But regarding baseball... ever since I found out there was a team called the Angels, I knew I just had to support them!
Spanky: I bet you love it when they beat the Devil Rays, don't you?
Clara: I do! I love kicking their asses!
Toot: I bet you hated it when they dropped the devil part and became just the Rays, didn't you?
Clara: Oh, they're still the Devil Rays, Toot. Believe me. They can try to hide behind semantic trickery... but God sees what they're doing!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling from Asia... baseball very big there too! Ling-Ling want to support team too... he just wish he had fancy baseball gear like Carla!
Clara: Actually, Ling-Ling, I'm glad you mentioned that. Because I picked something up for you at the souvenir stand on the way in. Look! (Clara pulls out an Angels cap.) Your very own Angels cap! (Ling-Ling is excited.) Here, let me put it on you.
Clara puts the cap on Ling-Ling's head. However, the hat is far too big for him, falling down over his eyes.
Ling-Ling: Um, Carla? Kind of hard for Ling-Ling to root for team when he not able to see game.
Clara: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling, I guess the hat's too big. I would have gotten you a smaller one, but that's the smallest size they have!
Xandir: Oh, here, I can fix it for him! (Xandir reaches behind his back and pulls out a safety pin. He pins the sides of the hat together to make it smaller. He places the hat on Ling-Ling's head. It now fits perfectly.)
Ling-Ling: Thanks, butt monkey!
Foxxy: Butt monkey?
Xandir: Yeah, I asked Ling-Ling to start calling me that instead of homo. It's catchier!
Clara: Xandir... where did you pull that pin out of?
Xandir: (thinks for a moment) Clara, I really think you'd rather not know.
Clara: You're probably right.
Toot walks onto the scene. She has a giant foam finger on her hand.
Toot: (calling toward the field) Hey, Rodriguez! (She holds the finger in front of herself, trying to make it look like she is giving the bird.) Suck my balls! And you- Guerrero! (She uses the foam finger to give the bird again.) You suck my balls too!
Spanky: I knew it was a mistake to let her get that thing.
Clara: Toot, I like your spirit, but neither of those players speaks any English.
Toot: Oh. Right. (She turns toward the field and flips the players off with the foam finger again.) Yo! Chulos! Chupa mi testiculos! Comprende?
Toot (in confessional, which appears to be located in a baseball dugout): I know how to say "suck my balls" in 17 different languages!
The housemates finally get settled. In one row, they sit Hero, Clara, Ling-Ling, and Toot left to right, while in the row behind them, they sit Foxxy, Spanky, Xandir, and Wooldoor left to right. They cease their conversation and turn their attention to the field.
PA announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise for the singing of our national anthem? (The housemates all stand up and turn their attention to a microphone set up at home plate. As they all salute the flag, a blonde woman walks out followed by two flag-bearers. She positions herself in front of the microphone.) Performing our national anthem today is Oscar award-winning actress and future porn star Gwyneth Paltrow! (As Gwyneth begins to sing, the group, while continuing to salute the flag, begins to stir.)
Clara: Gwyneth Paltrow singing the Star-Spangled Banner? Are they kidding? This is the biggest travesty since they cast her as that princess in the musical version of that cartoon show!
Foxxy: I just hope she don't do like Lucy Lawless did when she sang the national anthem at that hockey game! You remember that, Spanky? She hit that high note at the end and her shirt popped right open!
Spanky: Clara, quick, hit a high note!
Clara: Why?
Spanky: Just do it!
Toot: Spanky, I thought you were over that whole wanting to see Clara naked thing several episodes ago!
Spanky: I think I owe it to Clara to give her another chance!
Wooldoor: (singing loudly) And the hooooooooooome... of the...
Toot: She hasn't come to that part yet, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Oh, sorry!
Gwyneth: And the hooooooooooome of the... brave! (She suddenly stops.) Yay, I did it! I got through the whole song without messing up!
Flag-bearer: Gwyneth, your mike's still on.
Gwyneth: Ah, who cares? (Gwyneth grabs her crotch while simultaneously flipping off the crowd. Screaming loudly, she then throws her fists up in the air and walks off the field triumphantly.)
Umpire: Play ball!
Xandir: Oh! Did he say- (Everyone turns to Xandir.)
Everyone: No!
Xandir: (disappointed) Oh.
Foxxy stands up and begins cheering.
Foxxy: Woooooooooo! Go Indians!
Spanky: (standing up and yelling also) Yeah, Indians! Go scalp your opponents just like they do in TV westerns, which as we all know, are a 100% true depiction of actual Native American culture!
Foxxy: (turning to Spanky) Spanky, I'm just trying to cheer on my team, not change history!
Spanky: Your team's mascot is a racist symbol, Foxxy! (Hero looks confused. Clara sighs and grasps her forehead in frustration. The others look on with curiosity.)
Foxxy: Oh, no it ain't, Spanky!
Spanky: Foxxy, if I started a team called the LA Minstrels, and our mascot was a minstrel in blackface, and they played "Mammy" before every home game- just admit it. You'd be offended!
Foxxy: Yes, I'd be offended, Spanky. But that's different!
Spanky: How is it different?
Foxxy: Because everyone would know you're doing that just to be racist! But that ain't how it is with the Indians at all! The Injuns is proud warriors- there ain't nothing shameful about naming yourself after them!
Spanky: Well, I happen to think that the minstrel show is a proud tradition!
Clara: Guys, could you please stop this? I came here to watch the game, not listen to you two argue about political correctness!
Foxxy: Turning a blind eye like you usually do, huh, Clara?
Clara: How did I get sucked into this?
Xandir: (whining) Ohhhhh! I hate wooden seats! They're so uncomfortable!
Spanky: What's the matter, Xandir? Afraid you might get a splinter in your ass?
Xandir: Hmmm... in my ass, you say? (Slightly weirded out, Toot gets up and approaches Xandir.)
Toot: Xandir?
Xandir: Yes, Toot?
Toot: (holding out her foam finger) Would you and my giant foam finger like to be alone together?
Xandir: Ooh! (He grabs the finger eagerly. He stands up.) I'll bring this right back!
Toot: That's okay, Xandir. You keep it.
Xandir: Okay! (He dashes off.)
Clara: Is Xandir running off to go pleasure himself with that giant foam finger?
Toot: Oh, yeah.
Clara: I *want* to raise a stink about that... but I honestly don't think I care anymore.
Foxxy: Wise decision.
Hero: Hmmm... this "baseball" of yours intrigues me very much. How does this game work, Clara?
Clara: Are you serious? Have you never seen a baseball game before? Oh, wait, I know. This is about you being afraid of sports, isn't it?
Hero: Wait- baseball is a sport? (He draws back, terrified.) Why didn't somebody TELL me?
Foxxy: Clara, if it don't involve food, violence, or naked women, suffice it to say Hero don't know jack squat about it!
Clara: Well, Hero, I don't claim to be a baseball expert, but I can teach you what I can. All I really know are the basics, though.
Hero: Hmm... how about we start with that man in the gray uniform down there? Why is he walking around carrying that club? Is he going to hit somebody?
Clara: No, Hero, that's his bat. He uses it to hit the ball.
Hero: Oh, you can hit people's balls in this game? (becomes giddy) Oh, this DOES sound violent!
Clara: (sighs) This is going to be a long day.
Wooldoor: (getting restless) I'm bored! (to Clara) Can I go get a snow cone?
Clara: Okay, Wooldoor. But not by yourself. Make sure someone goes with you!
Wooldoor: Awwwwww! Why?
Clara: Because, Wooldoor, this is a big ballpark! There might be a sexual predator lurking out there!
Wooldoor: A sexual predator? At the ballpark? That's ridiculous!
Toot: Xandir's still out there.
Wooldoor: Good point. Toot, will you go with me?
Toot: Me? Why do *I* have to take you?
Wooldoor: Because, Toot! You're my best friend!
Toot: I thought your best friend was either Hero or Clara, depending on how gay or childlike you are at any given moment!
Wooldoor: Toot, you're like the sister I never had!
Toot: Wooldoor, you've GOT a sister! I've seen her photo on your dresser!
Wooldoor: I *had* a sister! But she tragically lost her life when a fire hydrant fell on her from a second story window! (He begins sobbing.)
Foxxy: Isn't that funny? The exact same thing happened to my little Timmy!
Foxxy (in confessional): (sadly) Oh, little Timmy. Mommy misses you.
Ling-Ling turns around eagerly.
Ling-Ling: What this? Sockbat lose sister? (Wooldoor nods.) Same thing happen to Ling-Ling!
Wooldoor: Really? I guess we have something in common, then! (Ling-Ling nods.) So how did your sister die, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Drowning. What else? (Wooldoor nods his head in acknowledgement.) So what Sockbat sister's name?
Wooldoor: Gertrude. What was yours?
Ling-Ling: Which one? There Ring-Ring, Ching-Chong, Sing-Sing, Pan-Pan, Chip-Chop, Ping-Pong, Chop-Chop, Stir-Fry, Ding-Dang, Rang-Ring, Ling-Dong, Beth...
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor- since you and Ling-Ling have so much in common, I think HE should take you to the concession stand! It would give you a chance to get to know each other better!
Ling-Ling: Get real! Ling-Ling not go out there alone with homo still on prowl!
Spanky: Ling-Ling, look how tiny your ass is! Xandir couldn't rape you even if he wanted to! What's he going to put it in?
Ling-Ling: Knowing Xandir, he could make his own-
Clara: Okay, that's enough of that! I'd rather not sit here and listen to you guys talking about my husband being sodomized, if that's okay.
Spanky: (to Hero, quietly) Does Clara not know about that canoe ride the three of us took?
Toot: Clara, why don't YOU go with Wooldoor? You're almost like his mommy anyway!
Clara: Me? Why should *I* be the one to go? I'm probably the only person here who actually cares about the game!
Foxxy: No you ain't, Clara! The Foxxy cares about the game, too!
Clara: Yeah, but you root for the bad guys, so you don't count. (Foxxy scowls.)
Spanky: Clara, I take offense at your stereotyping the Native Americans as villains. They're a just and noble people who only resorted to war after their peaceful way of life had been brutally wrested away from them-
Clara: I'm just talking about baseball, Spanky! Don't give me the white devil speech again, okay?
Spanky: Fine. Anyway, people, it looks like there's only one fair way to settle this. We'll draw straws! (There is a general murmur of consent. Spanky pulls out seven pads of paper and seven pencils. He hands a pencil and a pad to each housemate present, keeping the seventh of each for himself.) All right. Now... draw!
Everyone quickly makes a sketch. They then tear off the top pages of their pads and hand the pieces of paper to Spanky.
Spanky: Okay, let's see what we got here.
The camera angle changes to a shot behind Spanky, revealing everyone's drawing. They have all drawn pictures of straws. Spanky sorts through the drawings and picks out the smallest picture.
Spanky: Sorry, Toot. Looks like you drew the short straw!
Toot: Goddammit! (She sighs and gets up.) All right. Come on, Wooldoor. Let's go get a snow cone!
Wooldoor: (jumping up excitedly) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! (He and Toot begin to walk off together.) Since when is it so difficult to convince you to go get food, anyway? (They exit. Hero turns to Clara.)
Hero: (pointing to the field) Okay, Clara, so what just happened there? It looked like the man in the white uniform tried to attack the man in the gray uniform with a flying karate kick, so the man in the gray uniform responded by... trying to feel him up, apparently. This made the man in the light blue shirt and khaki pants very upset- I guess he's the guy's boyfriend or something- so he tried to punch out the man in white! But wait- if it's the man in gray he's mad at, shouldn't he have tried punching the man in gray? Or is he like me and just hits indiscriminately until he gets the right target?
Clara: Oh, Hero... you truly have the soul of a play-by-play announcer. No, Hero, what just happened... the Angels player tried to steal second base- that's why he was sliding in with his feet. And the Indians player wasn't feeling him up- he was tagging him out.
Hero: But... why did he touch him on the-
Clara: That's just where the ball was, Hero.
Hero: I know that's where the ball was, Clara! One thing I do know a thing or two about is human anatomy!
Foxxy: Yeah, after I taught it to you!
Hero: Be that as it may!
Foxxy: Our relationship ain't reached the catchphrase-sharing phase just yet, Hero!
Hero: (turning back to Clara) So why was that player trying to run, anyway, Clara? Was he afraid the man with the stick was going to start chasing after him?
Clara: He wasn't running from anybody, Hero. He was just trying to get to second base!
Hero: (grinning) Second base, huh?
Clara: I really should have phrased that more carefully.
Hero: So HE was trying to feel the OTHER guy up! I had it all backwards!
Clara: I know I'm not Jewish, but... oy, vey!
Hero: Really, he shouldn't have even worried! The man with the stick is a total puss, if you ask me! Instead of going to help his teammate, the man just stands there holding his stick! What good does it do you to have a weapon if you aren't going to use it?
Clara shakes her head in disbelief. The two of them turn their attention back to the game. On the next pitch, the Angels batter hits a single into left center field. As the left fielder corrals the ball and throws it to the first baseman, the hitter drops his bat and runs to first base.
Hero: Wait a minute! He... he hit the ball... and then he took off running! I think I see what's going on!
Clara: Finally!
Hero: The ball must be some sort of bomb! The man standing on the large lump of dirt tried to attack the man with the stick by hurling the bomb at him, but the man then very cleverly chose to use his stick to deflect the bomb away from himself! (Clara sits stunned, staring at Hero.) Now after the man hit the bomb out into the field there admist all the players in gray, the man out in- what did you call that place- left field... he tried to thwart the man in white's plan by rushing in, and in a moment of extreme bravery, saving his teammates from destruction by intercepting the bomb's path! (Clara is still stunned.) THEN- he decided to turn the man in white's plan back around on him by hurling the bomb back toward the place that the man in white was running to! Now the man in white saw this maneuever, and so he rushed toward the place where the bomb was being thrown! But I don't understand something. Why did the other man in gray risk certain death by catching the bomb? Especially since the man in white very foolishly dropped his stick before he ran into the fray?
Clara: (looking at Foxxy) I hope your kids get YOUR intelligence.
Foxxy: I'm way ahead of you, Clara. (Clara nods. The three turn their attention back toward the game.)
Wooldoor (in confessional): Toot and I went to the concession stand and got a hot dog, a snow cone, some cracker jacks, another snow cone, some ice cream, a filet mignon, some popcorn, and another snow cone! After we were done eating all that, we stopped and had a snack!
Cut to Wooldoor and Toot at the concession stand. Wooldoor's arms are full of ballpark food, while Toot holds a hot dog in one hand and an ice cream cone stacked high to the heavens in the other.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeee, I love ballpark food!
Toot: (licking her ice cream cone) Yeah... it's okay.
Wooldoor: Can we go to the souvenir stand next?
Toot: Sure, I guess so.
As Wooldoor continues to struggle with his armfuls of food, Toot shoves the hot dog in her mouth, then with one bite, downs the entire ice cream cone. The two begin to walk down the walkway a bit. However, just as they approach the souvenir stand, they suddenly stop. A look of alarm crosses Toot's face.
Souvenir vendor: (handing Xandir a foam finger nearly twice as large as the one Toot had earlier) Here. How's this one?
Xandir: (disappointed) Awwwww! Don't you have any bigger ones?
Souvenir vendor: That's the biggest one we have. Sorry!
Xandir: Well... what do you have in terms of bats?
Wooldoor: Wait. Is he that sexual predator you guys were talking about earlier?
Toot: Yes.
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhh. Thanks for looking out for me, Toot!
Toot: Don't mention it. So anyway, Wooldoor, I think it's time we get back to our seats now. Okay?
Wooldoor: Okay! (They start to walk away, but Wooldoor suddenly stops.) Wait!
Toot: (stopping) What is it?
Wooldoor: I wanna get cotton candy now!
Toot: Wooldoor, I don't know... my feet are kind of tired and I'd really like to just go back to my seat and-
Wooldoor: (Shoving Toot aside, he takes off running.) Race you!
Toot: Goddammit, Wooldoor, you could have at least offered to bring me some back! (She sighs, then takes off after Wooldoor.)
Spanky (in confessional): I'd been a good guy for most of the game. I hadn't said a word about how deeply offended I was at the mockery of the Native Americans. But when Cleveland started to rally in the top of the fifth... well, I went on the warpath!
Cut back to the game. An Indians batter gets a base hit, putting runners on first and second. Foxxy stands up and begins cheering.
Foxxy: Woohoo! Yeah, baby, that's the way you do it! Go Injuns! Go Injuns! (Spanky sits trying to hold his tongue. Foxxy leans over to Clara.) Guess what, Clara? We is kicking y'all's asses today!
Clara: You haven't scored YET, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Yes, we have! When you got up to go to the bathroom, Hero and I-
Clara: I meant your team hasn't gotten any runs!
Foxxy: But we will. Oh, just you wait, princess. We will. (Clara returns her attention to the game. The count goes to 3-0 on the Indians batter. Foxxy grows more excited.) Yeah, baby! You take that base on balls! Then we'll load the bases and have us a grand slam! Not like the kind they have at Denny's though- I mean the home run kind.
The batter walks, loading the bases. Foxxy is beside herself. She stands up.
Foxxy: Woooooooooooo! Oh, yeah! Go, Injuns! It's your birthday! Not for real-real, just for play-play! (Spanky is trying desperately to hold his anger in check. Foxxy begins dancing. It begins as one of her typical booty-shaking dances, but after a moment she begins doing something resembling a tribal dance. When she starts doing a war chant, Spanky can take no more.)
Spanky: That's it! (grabbing her arm to make her stop dancing) Foxxy, stop that right now!
Foxxy: Oh, stop it, Spanky! I'm just trying to support the Injuns!
Spanky: And another thing. They're called Native Americans. Not Indians, or Injuns, or Cholos, or Apples, or Neechees, or Timberheads, or Maize Eaters, or whatever kind of colorful term you may come up with. They're Native Americans. Period.
Clara: Spanky, the team is called the Indians.
Spanky: It's not even a fitting name anyway. I mean, I could see it if the team was actually made up of Indians. But they aren't. In fact, there isn't one single Native American on the team, is there?
Clara: Spanky, you're taking it much too literally.
Foxxy: Yeah! I mean, it ain't like the Cubs is actually a team of little bears! And the people on the Brewers don't actually make beer! And the Giants? (A slight smile crosses her face.) Who are they kidding?
Spanky: Maybe you have a point. I mean, it's not like the Padres are actually a team of monks!
Clara: Actually, you're wrong, Spanky. Team management makes all the players become ordained as monks before they're allowed to play for the team.
Spanky: Be that as it may.
Hero: If I can't do it, you can't!
Spanky: (to Clara) Indians refers to people from the nation of India- not the native people of the American continent.
Foxxy: So what do you want them to do, Spanky? Change their logo to a guy in a turban working in a call center?
Hero: Their mascot could be a cow that isn't being eaten!
Spanky: Their caps could be in the shape of turbans! And the emblem on their caps could be a red dot!
Foxxy: So if you think about, it's actually the Angels playing against the Cleveland Hindus!
Ling-Ling: (turning to Clara) This give Ling-Ling more incentive to root for Carla's team, if they beating team of people father hates!
Spanky: Okay... maybe I can be down with all this.
Foxxy: Spanky, I don't mean to be racist. Honest I don't. And I know you think I'm making a mockery of my people by dressing up like this. But really, I'm proud to be part Native American. And just because I may dress and act like a stereotype sometimes don't mean that's all there is to me!
Spanky: I guess you have a point. I mean, beneath the gaudy clothes and the war paint, you truly have a spirit that's noble and wise. And THAT'S something that would make your Indian ancestors proud.
Foxxy: I'm sorry, Spanky, I guess I should have remembered how you felt about things before I dressed up like this.
Spanky: Don't worry about it. You didn't mean any disrespect.
Foxxy: Thanks. Hey, Spanky, can I ask you something?
Spanky: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Why IS you all het up about the Indians, anyway? I mean, most racism that comes along, you just laugh about it. Why are the Indians the one thing that touches a nerve?
Spanky: It's hard to explain. I guess I spent so much time laughing at racist stereotypes that a part of me needed an outlet for it... I felt like I needed a cause to champion so I could prove to myself I wasn't a boob who was insensitive to every culture that was different from mine.
Foxxy: Really?
Spanky: Yeah, plus, I wanted to set myself apart from Clara in some way. I mean, I may have been racist, but at least I wasn't as racist as HER! (Clara is offended. Spanky sneers at her.) But then YOU had to go and have all this "character development"! Ooh, I'm Clara and I'm too good to be racist now!
Clara: So now I'm being mocked for NOT being racist anymore? I can't win!
Foxxy: But why the Indians, Spanky?
Spanky: Well, it would have been hard to enjoy your character's antics if I got all worked up about BLACK stereotypes, now wouldn't it? Same deal with Ling-Ling and the Asian stereotypes! (The camera briefly shows Ling-Ling eating popcorn with chopsticks.) And as for the Mexicans, well, when you're on the same network as Carlos Mencia... it's hard to find any sympathy for those people.
Foxxy: So what about white stereotypes, Spanky?
Spanky: White stereotypes?
Foxxy: Yeah! Everyone knows it's okay to make fun of white people! You need to start making fun of Clara for going to the mall a lot and being a yuppie!
Clara: Wait a minute! I am not a yuppie! And just how the heck do I keep getting roped into this story, anyway?
Spanky: Go back to Starbucks, yuppie!
Foxxy: Yeah! And free my ancestors, while you're at it!
Spanky: I hear music playing, Clara- shouldn't you be up moving your body without any sense of rhythm whatsoever?
Foxxy: And shaking that tiny lump on your backside you refer to as a booty?
Spanky: I hope this game ends soon. I'd hate for Clara to be late getting home and have to miss Frasier!
Spanky and Foxxy both break down laughing. A very disgruntled Clara turns to Ling-Ling.
Clara: Ling-Ling, Foxxy and Spanky are making fun of me for being white!
Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling like Carla non-existent hips!
Clara looks at Ling-Ling questioningly for a moment. She then chuckles and picks him up. As she hugs him, the scene fades.
(to be continued...)