Post by Raymond-Raymond on May 30, 2008 14:46:12 GMT -5
RICHARD THE THIRD PERSON
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see all the housemates sitting around watching TV. Family Guy is on.
Peter: (on TV) Hey, Lois, can you get in the kitchen and get me a sandwich?
Lois: Get you a sandwich? I swear, Peter, that's even more degrading than the time I used to work for R. Kelly!
Cut to a teenaged Lois dressed in a maid's uniform standing in the bathroom of a large mansion.
R. Kelly: Now you're okay with cleaning up urine, right?
Lois: Yes, I understand it's part of the job.
R. Kelly: Thanks. So could you clean it up right now?
Lois: Well, where is it?
R. Kelly: On your face!
The camera cuts back to the housemates just as we hear Lois shriek.
Clara: Wait. I'm confused. Why do they keep interrupting the story to show scenes that don't have anything to do with what's going on?
Foxxy: They're called cutaway gags, Clara. Family Guy does them all the time.
Clara: Why?
Foxxy: The writers have ADHD.
Wooldoor: Hmm... maybe *I* could write for that show!
Spanky: Hey, guys, you ever wonder what it would be like if WE did cutaway gags like Family Guy?
The housemates all grab their chins and assume an "I'm thinking" expression. The scene changes to the kitchen of the Drawn Together house.
Toot: Goddammit, Spanky, why the hell did you have to eat all the pork rolls in the house?
Spanky: I was hungry!
Toot: You're even more inconsiderate than Xandir that time we all had tickets to go see Rent!
Cut to the housemates standing in front of a theater box office.
Wooldoor: Boy, I sure am excited to be seeing Rent!
Clara: Yeah, it sure was fortunate that Foxxy won that radio contest!
Toot: This will be the experience of a lifetime!
Hero: Where's Xandir with the tickets?
Xandir: (coming out of the bathroom) Bad news, guys. Looks like we're not going to be able to see Rent after all! (Everyone is frustrated.)
Spanky: Why the hell not?
Xandir: Well, I ran into this cute guy in the restroom and...
Toot: Let me guess. You gave him the tickets in exchange for having sex with you.
Xandir: Yeah, like I need to bribe people to have sex with me. No, actually, I was GOING to have sex with him, but he walked out before I could talk to him. But he was just so darned cute that I couldn't control my urges- I had to have sex with SOMETHING or else I'd pop! So...
Foxxy: So you had sex with the tickets. (Xandir nods.) Okay, fine. But that doesn't explain why you don't have the tickets anymore.
Xandir: Oh, I still have the tickets, Foxxy! You guys can still have them if you want.
Toot: We can?
Xandir: Sure! (He turns around and bends over in front of the group.) So which one of you wants to retrieve them?
Everyone looks at Xandir with disgust.
Spanky: This is the least enticing invitation I've been offered since I used to work for R. Kelly!
Cut to Spanky in a maid's uniform standing in R. Kelly's bathroom.
R. Kelly: Sorry, I was expecting someone younger.
Spanky: (sighs) This is the worst celebrity cameo we've had since Rosie O'Donnell was on the show!
Cut to the living room of the Drawn Together house. It appears to be near the beginning of "Hot Tub", as the housemates are all standing around getting acquainted with one another. Toot, livid, is choking Spanky within an inch of his life.
Toot: Goddammit, I am not Rosie O'Donnell! My name is Toot! You got that? Toot! Just because I have dark hair and I'm a liiiiiiiitle overweight does not make me Rosie F****** O'Donnell! (She shoves Spanky violently to the floor.) I swear, I haven't been this insulted since that time Osama Bin Laden came to visit!
Cut to a shot of an irritated Toot standing at the front door. In the doorway stands Osama Bin Laden.
Osama: You're fat. (Toot sighs in frustration.)
Toot: This is the lamest gag we've done since that time we decided to start doing cutaway gags like Family Guy!
Cut back to the living room at the beginning of the episode.
Spanky: Hey, guys, you ever wonder what it would be like if WE did cutaway gags like Family Guy?
Hero: Nope.
Toot: Nuh uh.
Wooldoor: No way!
Clara: Can't say I'm overly curious.
Spanky: Yeah, me either. (The group resumes watching TV.)
Peter: (on TV) Why, Lois! I never realized you were Japanese!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. A huge banner is hung over the front door reading "Welcome Parents!". The parents of Hero, Spanky, and Toot are there along with many of the housemates. Everyone is standing around chatting.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I was so excited that it was Parents' Day at the house. I would have been even more excited had MY parents actually shown up! (He becomes sour.) But noooooooo- they were too busy being dead and stuff!
Cut back to the living room. Hero is talking to his parents.
Hero: I'm so glad you came today!
Mr. Hero: Don't thank me- thank the Viagra! (Hero and his father both laugh.)
Hero: Oh, you always were a witty one, Pop-Pop! You know, Pop-Pop, I can't help but notice that you're much chattier than you were the last time you came to visit. Why is that?
Mr. Hero: They got somebody different to do my voice now. The guy from Five for Fighting wasn't available anymore, so they just decided to use the same guy who voices you!
Hero: Jess Harnell?
Mr. Hero: That's right.
Hero: Oh, he's good!
Mrs. Hero: So when are we going to meet this new fiancee of yours, son?
Hero: Soon, Ima. Soon. Right now she's still upstairs getting ready. Tell you what. While I go and get her, why don't you introduce yourselves to Spanky's parents?
Hero goes upstairs. His parents walk over to a middle-aged pig couple. Spanky's father looks exactly like Spanky except that his unibrow is gray. Spanky's mother wears a low-cut dress and fishnet stockings.
Mr. Hero: (extending his hand, which Spanky's father shakes) Greetings. I am Senator Jeb Hero from Planet Zebulon. This is my wife Janet.
Mr. Ham: Hi. I'm Ronald Ham. This is my wife Marilyn.
Mrs. Ham: Pleased to meet you.
Mr. Hero: (to Mrs. Ham) Say... don't I know you from somewhere?
Cut to the kitchen. Wooldoor is busy preparing food while Toot helps. Clara sits at the kitchen table.
Wooldoor: (to Clara, while stirring something in a bowl) And thanks to new advances in cloning technology, Gary Busey could conceivably live forever!
Clara: That's nice, Wooldoor. I suppose.
Wooldoor: What's wrong, Clara?
Toot: (stepping over) I bet I know what it is. You're disappointed your father didn't show, aren't you?
Clara: Pretty much.
Wooldoor: So where is he?
Clara: (slightly angry) At the ballet, what do you think?
Toot: For what it's worth, I wish MY parents hadn't shown!
Clara: Why is that?
Toot: Clara, do you KNOW my parents at all?
Clara: Good point.
Toot: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we trade? My mom for your stepmom?
Clara: I don't know, Toot.
Toot: Come on, it'll be fun! I'll even show you how to say "Suck my balls" to her!
Clara: (beginning to smile) Well, when you put it that way!
Toot: See there, I knew I could get you to cheer up!
Clara: Yeah. I guess you're right. Who cares about them?
Toot: Yeah!
Clara: I like you guys better anyway.
Toot: You're damn right you do!
Wooldoor: I guess Parents' Day is nice for the rest of them. But I'm happier being in here with the Cool Kids!
Toot: Cool Kids?
Clara: Wooldoor, I keep telling you, we're not starting those stupid cliques back up!
Wooldoor: But we can still tickle torture Xandir, right?
Clara: Oh, totally!
Wooldoor: What about chainsaw wedgies?
Toot: Nah. Those kind of lost their fun when we found out he liked them!
Just at that moment, we hear the King's trumpet fanfare.
Clara: Oh, my!
Toot: I guess your father showed after all, Clara!
Clara: I'd better go let him in!
With Wooldoor and Toot following her, Clara goes into the living room and opens the front door. Standing in front of her are Xandir's parents.
Clara: What the hell?
Toot: I didn't know you were part elf, Clara!
Clara: Toot, don't be silly.
Toot: Hey, Clara, can I go take a ride on your magic dragon? (Toot begins rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.)
Mrs. Wifflebottom: Dragon?
Mr. Wifflebottom: What the hell is she talking about?
Clara: You got me! (She pauses for a moment.) Wait. I'm confused. If my father isn't here, then... why did I hear his fanfare?
Cut to Hero and Spanky standing over by the stereo.
Hero: Dude! That is an awesome record! What's it called?
Spanky: "Great Cartoon Monarch Trumpet Fanfares of the 70's"!
Hero: Well, turn it up, man!
Spanky puts on another fanfare. He and Hero begin disco dancing. The scene cuts back to Clara.
Clara: Anyway, I'm Princess Clara. I'm guessing you're Xandir's parents.
Mr. Wifflebottom: What gave it away?
Toot: Oh, I don't know! Your magical healing powers? Ha ha ha! (She continues rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.) Oh, I kill me!
Toot (in confessional): Just so you know, that was not a suicide joke!
Cut back to Toot still rolling on the floor laughing. Xandir's father looks at her.
Mr. Wifflebottom: That young lady has a lot to learn about elves.
Clara: Yes. Yes, she does. Oh, say, Mr. Wifflebottom. I'm curious about something. Your name isn't Stan, is it?
Mr. Wifflebottom: Stan? No, my name is Jeffrey. Why?
Clara: No reason.
Toot: (regaining her composure) So what's your name, Mrs. Wifflebottom?
Mrs. Wifflebottom: My name? Why, "Xandir's mom" of course. (Clara, Toot, and Wooldoor are all confused.)
Clara: What?
Toot: That doesn't even make sense!
Wooldoor: How did your parents know you were going to have a son named Xandir?
Mr. Wifflebottom: Son? What are you talking about? We don't have a son!
Toot: Ha! Xandir's a girl! I knew it!
Clara: Toot, I think the Wifflebottoms are messing with us. (to Mrs. Wifflebottom) Your name isn't really "Xandir's mom", is it?
Mrs. Wifflebottom: (making donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Clara: (slightly alarmed) You do that a little TOO well.
Toot: Hold it a minute. This can't be possible. Xandir actually has HUMOR in his genes? No, I'm sorry. He must have been adopted!
Clara: So you're saying that someone took Xandir into their home voluntarily?
Toot: Good point. (shaking their hands) Pleased to meet you, Xandir's parents!
Mr. Wifflebottom: (to his wife) I think they like us, Barbara.
Clara: Something else I'm curious about. Xandir's never told us what his middle initial P stands for.
Toot: I still say it stands for-
Clara: No, it doesn't, Toot! (She turns to the Wifflebottoms.) So what does it stand for? Please tell me it's not something dirty!
Mr. Wifflebottom: Oh, don't worry, Clara. It's not dirty or strange in any way.
Wooldoor: So what is it?
Mr. Wifflebottom: Pneu'men'th-xenoqui'll'htryt-ino'megar-retey'lsje'dhpi-jijdgyg%#$@penoumon'ofu'r-th!
Toot, Clara, and Wooldoor stare blankly for a moment.
Wooldoor: Awwwww! That's what I was going to name MY baby!
Toot: (to Mrs. Wifflebottom) Is he ill? Do we need to get him something for his cough?
Clara: I think he's speaking in tongues!
Mr. Wifflebottom: No, no, no, Pneu'men'th-xenoqui'll'htryt-ino'megar-retey'lsje'dhpi-jijdgyg%#$@penoumon'ofu'r-th is a traditional elf name!
Mrs. Wifflebottom: We named him after his grandfather.
Toot: I can sure imagine his grandma screaming THAT name during sex!
Clara: I think *I* screamed that once when I dropped a heavy box on my bare foot!
Toot: Now it's my turn to be curious about something. When did you guys realize Xandir was gay?
Mr. Wifflebottom: It was when he played junior varsity football. He was more upset about having helmet hair than about losing the game!
Toot: Wait a minute. Xandir played football?
Mrs. Wifflebottom: He got tackled a LOT.
Mr. Wifflebottom: Didn't really seem to mind that much.
Wooldoor: That sounds about right.
Clara: Well, the three of us are going to go back in the kitchen now and finish getting dinner ready. It was great meeting you guys!
Toot: Yeah! Isn't it totally ironic that out of all of us, XANDIR is the one with the coolest parents?
Everyone chuckles. The scene changes to Hero's parents talking to Spanky's parents.
Mr. Ham: Then after I unloaded that toxic waste dump on the city of LA, I was promoted to head salesman at my company!
Mrs. Hero: What did they ever do with the toxic waste dump?
Mr. Ham: I think today you know it as "Dodger Stadium". (The Heros nod.) So anyway, Spanky tells us that you two are from Planet Zebulon.
Mr. Hero: That's right.
Mrs. Ham: I was so sorry to hear your planet was destroyed.
Mr. Hero: That's okay. The destruction of our home and all our closest friends was sad, but Zebulon's demise at least meant that all the stars of Everybody Loves Zorgleblek perished along with it!
Mrs. Hero: Oh, I hate that Patricia Heatongleb!
Mr. Hero: I know! What a klexblunt!
Captain Hero walks up to the group.
Hero: Hello, Ima, Pop-Pop! I'm glad you two seem to be hitting it off with Spanky's parents! I just talked to Foxxy, and- (Immediately Hero's eyes bug out. He becomes extremely excited.) Oh, my God! Miss Hambone! (He rushes up to Mrs. Ham.) Miss Hambone! I can't believe you came back to visit us! Whatever brings you to the Drawn Together house today?
Mrs. Ham: I came to visit my son!
Hero: Who's your son?
Mrs. Ham: (with a look of disbelief) Wooldoor!
Hero: (nodding) Yes... I can definitely see the resemblance!
Foxxy: (walking up to the group) Howdy, y'all!
Hero: Ah! Foxxy, you're here! Everyone, this is my fiancee- Foxxy Love!
Mr. Ham: Wow... you're making it with a black chick? Nice!
Mrs. Ham: Wait. I didn't realize Foxxy was the black one. I thought you were dating that princess girl.
Hero: No... sadly, things didn't work out between Clara and me.
Mrs. Ham: Why not?
Suddenly, Clara races into the living room out of nowhere and rushes up to Hero.
Clara: (holding a finger up threateningly) I swear to God, Hero, if you say-
Hero: My penis was just too big for her!
Clara: (taken aback) What???
Hero: I mean, look who she married! Clara obviously likes the teenies! (He shrugs.) And can I help it if I've got a huge one?
Mr. Hero: Not at all, son. If that's anyone's fault, it's mine! The Heros come from a long line of gigantic schlongs!
Clara: "A long line of gigantic schlongs"? I'm sorry, but I would appreciate it if you didn't use language like that in this house.
Mr. Hero: I'm sorry, dear. Are you offended by bawdy talk?
Clara: No, that's not it at all.
Suddenly Xandir rushes in.
Xandir: Did somebody just say something about a long line of-
Everyone: NO!
Xandir: Awwwww! (He walks away disappointed. The others nod in acknowledgement of Clara's statement. Hero turns to Mrs. Ham excitedly.)
Hero: Anyway, I'm just so glad you came back to visit us, Miss Hambone!
Mr. Ham: Wait a minute. Where the hell do you know my wife from?
Mrs. Ham: (turning to him) Ronald...
Mr. Ham: (He sighs.) Never mind. It's from porn, isn't it?
Mr. Hero: (suddenly realizing) So THAT'S why you look so familiar! (He pulls down his pants.) Can I have your autograph?
Foxxy: (shaking her head) Like father, like son! (At that moment, the doorbell rings again.) I'll get that!
Foxxy walks over to the door and opens it to find her mother standing there. Bunny is wearing a shirt that says "MILF" on it.
Foxxy: Mama! You made it!
Bunny: (hugging Foxxy) Of course I made it, Foxxy. You didn't think I'd miss Parents' Day at the Drawn Together house, did you?
Foxxy: I know, I'm excited you's here, that's all.
Bunny: Well, thank you very much, Foxxy. I'm excited to be here.
Foxxy: Now that you're here, I think this would be as good a time as any for you to meet Captain Hero's parents. I'll take you over to them. (Foxxy starts to lead her mom over to where Hero and his parents are standing, but Bunny suddenly stops.) What is it, mama?
Bunny: Oh, Lordy! I think somebody's trying to fondle me! I just felt somebody's hand squeezing my bunny tail!
Foxxy: Oh, Goddammit, Elmer, I thought y'all decided to stay with Toot's mama! Would you please get your shriveled old hands off my mama's ass?
Suddenly Toot's father turns around.
Elmer: What?
The camera pulls out to reveal that Elmer is on the other side of the room.
Foxxy: (slightly embarrassed) Never mind.
Bunny: Wait. So if it isn't Toot's papa touching my tail, then who-
Foxxy and Bunny turn around. We see a very intoxicated Jun-Jee standing there.
Jun-Jee: Hello, honorable geisha! Jun-Jee not mind sticking cane in THAT landmine!
Foxxy: Jun-Jee, just what the hell do you think y'all's doing? I thought you was shacked up with that girl from the candy store!
Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not with filthy whore anymore. Jun-Jee leave her- decide he just have too many wild oats to sow!
Foxxy: (calling into the other room) Oh, Ling-Ling? Would y'all come get y'all's papa?
Mr. Ham: (to Clara) They sure do like to say "y'all" a lot, don't they?
Clara: Ugh. Do NOT get me started!
Ling-Ling trudges into the room.
Ling-Ling: No, father! Not good idea to hit on mother of chocolate animal woman.
Jun-Jee: Why not? (He looks at Bunny seductively.) Jun-Jee have biggest penis in all of Asia! (He then looks down disappointedly.) For what that worth.
Bunny: Well, Mr. Jun-Jee, I'm very flattered by your invitation. But unfortunately I will have to pass on account of I'm seeing someone at the moment.
Jun-Jee nods in acknowledgement. Foxxy turns to her mother in surprise.
Foxxy: Mama? You didn't tell me y'all had a boyfriend!
Bunny: Actually, Foxxy, we just started seeing each other.
Foxxy: Well, you should have brought him here today! I'd really like to meet him!
Bunny: Unfortunately, he couldn't make it this afternoon on account of he had a prior commitment. But y'all should come by the house later! He'll be there later on this evening.
Foxxy: Oh, I totally will, mama!
Bunny: In fact, you should bring y'all's friends along, too! (She looks at Foxxy with a smile.) Who knows... this guy might end up being your new stepdad!
Foxxy: My new stepdad? Oh, wouldn't that just be great? I've always wanted a new stepdad! (Clara suddenly walks over to the group.)
Clara: Hold on a minute. Foxxy, why are you excited about getting a new stepdad? Stepparents are bad!
Foxxy: Oh, no, they's not, Clara! There ain't nothing wrong with stepparents!
Clara: Ha!
Bunny: (to Clara) I'm guessing your family situation is not exactly the happiest of situations, is it?
Clara: You got that right. My stepmother is an evil witch!
Bunny: Now, Clara, maybe you and your stepmother don't get along, but that's no reason to call her a witch.
Clara: No, I'm being serious, she actually is a witch. She put a curse on me and made a monster grow inside my vagina.
Bunny: Oh. Oh, well, that makes sense, then.
Foxxy: But Clara, your situation is very different from mine. I mean, you loved your mama more than anything. No stepmother was ever going to be able to live up to that in your eyes.
Clara: I suppose that's true.
Foxxy: Whereas with my papa, ANYTHING would be an improvement! I mean, not only did that scumbag asshole run out on the family when I was barely old enough to walk, when I finally tracked him down, he ran out on me AGAIN! People like that don't deserve to be parents!
Ling-Ling: Yeah... Benny rotten father to Ling-Ling too. Even before he run out again, he stop paying attention to Ling-Ling when Foxxy come along. Maybe if Ling-Ling dress up in orphan schoolgirl outfit, Benny pay more attention to him!
Clara: (turning to Ling-Ling with surprise) I don't know about Benny, but Clara sure will!
Foxxy: I'm telling you, Clara, even Marvin Gaye, Sr. was a better father than (she spews his name with resentment) Uncle Benny!
Bunny: Benny was a pretty poor excuse for a father, all right. I still find it hard to believe I ever married him.
Clara: Yeah... and as kind and thoughtful a person as Foxxy ended up being, I find it hard to believe that a douchebag like Benny is her biological father!
Bunny: If he even IS her father! (Suddenly, Foxxy becomes alarmed. She turns to her mother.)
Foxxy: Mama? What you mean?
Bunny: Oh, nothing, Foxxy. Never mind. (She looks at both women.) Well, anyway, I'm sorry I can't stay longer. I need to go get ready for my date tonight. (She turns and starts to walk away, but then turns back.) So can I expect y'all at the house later?
Clara: Sure, why not? Sounds like fun!
Bunny: Sounds good, I'll see y'all then!
Bunny turns and walks to the door. Foxxy and Clara look at each other and nod. Suddenly, looks of worry cross their faces. Foxxy turns back to Bunny.
Foxxy: (calling out) Wait, mama! Stop! (Bunny stops and turns around.)
Bunny: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: (looking down) Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling runs up to Bunny. With a mighty jump, he leaps and grabs Bunny's rear end.
Bunny: Oh, Lordy!
Ling-Ling comes back down to earth holding his father by the tail.
Ling-Ling: Father, no!
Jun-Jee: Oh, well can't fault Jun-Jee for trying!
Bunny smiles and shrugs, then turns and walks out as Ling-Ling looks at his father in admonishment. The scene fades.
The scene fades back up on the living room some time later. The party is still going on.
Mrs. Hero: We were so excited when our son told us he was engaged! And to such a lovely young girl, too!
Mrs. Wifflebottom: I wonder if OUR son will ever settle down and get married.
Mr. Wifflebottom: Oh, he will, eventually. Right now, he's just trying out every mangina in the free world to figure out which one he likes best!
Mrs. Ham: I don't think you could ever do any better than the woman OUR son married!
Mr. Ham: I know... I was so worried he'd marry someone who looked exactly like his mother!
While everyone else is busy chatting with their parents, a depressed Foxxy and Clara talk to each other off to the side.
Foxxy: You know what, Clara? With my mama gone, Parents' Day just isn't that much fun anymore. What say you and I ditch this party and just go on to my mama's house?
Suddenly Toot appears in front of them.
Toot: (excited) Ooh! You guys are ditching? I want in on that!
Foxxy: Toot, Clara and I are leaving cause our parents ain't here!
Toot: And I want to leave for the exact opposite reason!
Clara: She does have a point.
Foxxy: I can't argue with that. So it's the three of us going, then?
Clara: Why don't we go get Wooldoor? His parents aren't here either. I bet he'd like to come too!
Toot: I think you're too late, Clara.
Clara: Why?
The group turns to where Spanky's parents are standing. Wooldoor is grabbing hold of Mrs. Ham's legs.
Mr. Ham: Wooldoor, get off my wife!
Wooldoor: No! I want Mrs. Ham to be my new mommy!
Spanky: I suppose it WOULD be fun having a little brother. (He looks at Wooldoor sternly.) But *I* get the big room!
Mr. Ham: Honey, what was the point of getting your tubes tied if you're just going to keep adopting them?
Mrs. Ham shakes Wooldoor off. He immediately turns to Hero's mom.
Wooldoor: (to Mrs. Hero) Will YOU be my new mommy?
Mr. Hero: (to his wife) He does resemble a Zebulonian tribble monster!
Mrs. Hero looks confused. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot all look at each other. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on a simple but dignified house in the suburbs. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot walk up to the front door.
Clara: Wow! This is a nice house! It's not what I was expecting at all!
Foxxy: Let me guess. You was expecting my mama to live in some rundown ghetto shack or some derelict housing project.
Clara: I'm not stereotyping, Foxxy, I just know how our writers are.
Foxxy nods, then turns and knocks on the door.
Bunny: (inside house) Come in!
Foxxy opens the door. The three women walk in. Seated at the dining room table is a middle-aged black man with an athletic body. Foxxy's face lights up.
Foxxy: Oh my God! It's Ricky!
Ricky: Hey, Foxxy! How you doin'?
Foxxy: I'm doin' good, sugar, what about you?
Ricky: Oh, the Ricky's been doin' great with hisself! Or did you forget about my fabulous baseball career?
Toot: Wow! You two know each other?
Foxxy: Ricky is an old family friend, Toot.
Ricky: That's right. I dated y'all's mama before you was born, and well, I guess Bunny just decided it was finally time to give Ricky another shot!
Foxxy: Wow. So you is my mama's new boyfriend!
Ricky: That's right. Unless... the Foxxy wants first crack at him! (He winks at her.)
Foxxy: Oh, Ricky, you so crazy!
Clara: Wait a minute. Foxxy, did your mom's new boyfriend just hit on you?
Foxxy: Oh, it's okay, Clara. Ricky hits on me all the time. I never take him up on it, though. (She becomes thoughtful.) And I'm not really sure why.
Bunny walks into the room holding drinks.
Bunny: Hey, everyone! (She begins handing everyone a drink.) So how do you like your mama's new boyfriend, Foxxy?
Foxxy: I think you made a good choice, mama.
Bunny: I think I did too.
Foxxy: So how is it that you two ended up dating again?
Ricky: Well, the Ricky's been kind of going through a period of changes in his life. I kind of put family life aside to be the greatest baseball player of all time for a while, but after I finally had to accept that my body was just too old and broken down to keep playing anymore, well... the Ricky got to thinking.
Clara and Toot look at each other. Clara opens her mouth to speak, but Toot stops her.
Toot: (whispering) Don't say it, Clara.
Ricky: I was on the road for 25 years, and playing baseball was fun, but it seems like the happiest times I had during that period was when we'd make a road trip to LA and I could stop in and visit Bunny for a few days. So once the Ricky finally retired, he thought he'd look up Bunny with an eye to actually sticking around for a little while.
Clara: You said that you two had dated once before. When was that, exactly?
Bunny: Let me think. Oh... about nine months before Foxxy was born, I think!
Clara and Toot look at each other in alarm.
Foxxy: Well, I'm glad you's back, Ricky. It's just too bad you couldn't have been the one she married instead of that asshole Benny.
Bunny: I know, Foxxy. But at least Ricky kept in touch over the years.
Foxxy: That *is* true...
(At that moment, we hear a ding coming from the kitchen.)
Bunny: Oh, that'd be the muffins I'd be making for y'all! Hey, could one of y'all come help me take them out of the oven?
Ricky: (getting up) I'll help you, Bunny.
Bunny: Why, thanks, Ricky.
The two of them walk out together. Foxxy turns to Clara and Toot.
Foxxy: Well, isn't this nice, y'all? Looks like my mama might finally have a man she can rely on!
Toot: (slightly alarmed) That's nice, Foxxy. Ricky seems like a good guy.
Foxxy: (noticing how Clara and Toot are acting) What's going on, you guys?
Clara: Foxxy... um... about Ricky...
Foxxy: What about him? Is something wrong with him?
Toot: No, it's not that. It's just-
Foxxy: I mean, I know he's got kind of an ego, but that don't make him a bad person! He and my mama get along great!
Clara: That's not what we're talking about, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Then what is it?
Toot: Foxxy, have you... noticed... anything unusual about Ricky?
Foxxy: Like what?
Toot: Like the fact that he looks a little like you?
Clara: That he always talks about himself in the third person?
Toot: That he dated your mother about nine months before you were born?
Clara: That comment your mother made about "if Benny even IS your father"?
Foxxy: What are y'all getting at?
Toot: Foxxy... we think that Ricky may be your real father.
Foxxy: What? Oh, come on, Toot, that's crazy talk! Ricky ain't my papa! As much as I hate to admit it, that scumbag Benny is my biological father.
Clara: Based on what? That stupid forehead thing?
Toot: And we know that whole thing about your mom being an actual fox isn't canon!
Foxxy: But... why would my mom let me think Benny is my father if he really wasn't?
Clara: It sounds like your mom was with a number of different guys around that time.
Toot: She dated my dad around then, too!
Clara: I think possibly your mom doesn't even know who your real father is, Foxxy. So maybe she just assumed it was Benny.
Foxxy: Well, why couldn't she just find out with a paternity test or something?
Toot: Well, in order to do a paternity test, the guy has to be... um... what's the word I'm looking for?
Clara: There?
Toot: That's it!
Foxxy: Oh, that's crazy, y'all! There is no way that Ricky could be my biological papa! (Suddenly we hear Ricky's voice coming from the kitchen.)
Ricky: (from kitchen, singing) La-la-la-la-labia baby, you got something for me! (begins speaking normally) Your daughter wrote a real catchy song there, Bunny, you know that? You know, I was the best singer on my ball club!
Bunny: (from kitchen) That ain't nothing, Ricky. Ballplayers ain't exactly known for their singing abilities!
Ricky: (from kitchen) Be that as it may!
Clara and Toot's eyes both bug out. Foxxy gasps and covers her mouth with her hands.
Foxxy: Oh, Lordy!
Bunny and Ricky walk back into the room, each holding a large tray of muffins.
Bunny: Here's your snacks, y'all. I wouldn't normally have made so many, but I was kind of expecting more people.
Toot: (almost salivating) Oh, don't worry, Bunny, we can finish them!
Bunny: Oh, right, I forgot one of your friends was Toot!
Clara takes a single muffin and begins snacking on it while Toot chows down on one entire tray. Foxxy walks over to Ricky.
Foxxy: Ricky... I got something I want to say to you.
Ricky: (smiling) What's that, Foxxy? You decide y'all's finally interested in making it with the Ricky after all?
Foxxy: Ewwww, no!
Ricky: Ewwww? Whatchoo talkin' about, Foxxy? Why am I suddenly so gross to you?
Foxxy: Why? Cause you're my papa, that's why!
Ricky: (taken aback) Papa? Whatchoo talkin' about, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ricky, I have reason to believe that you are my biological papa. (She turns to Bunny.) Mama, you said yourself that Benny may not even be my real father.
Bunny: Well... I suppose it could be true. I mean, I was seeing both of y'all around that time.
Foxxy: Ricky, haven't you noticed how much the two of us have in common? It can't be an accident that we get along so well!
Ricky: Hmmm. Maybe I *am* your papa, Foxxy! (He suddenly becomes alarmed.) Oh, Lordy! If I'm your papa, then... oh, my God! Here I am, I've been trying to put the moves on you all these years! Oh, Foxxy, I'm so sorry!
Foxxy: Oh, that's okay, Ricky. You didn't know!
Ricky: Well, maybe I didn't. But it's still wrong! It's just weird for a father to be looking at his daughter like that!
Foxxy raises her eyebrows. She and Toot both turn and look at Clara.
Clara: What?
Ricky turns to Bunny.
Ricky: Now hold on, this don't make sense. (He turns to Bunny.) Bunny, why didn't y'all tell me there was a good chance I might be Foxxy's dad?
Bunny: Well, it's complicated, Ricky. I mean, Benny eventually ran out on the family. I was just afraid if you thought you might be Foxxy's papa... you might suddenly stop coming around too.
Ricky: (walks over to Bunny) Bunny... (He puts his arm around her.) Not every man in this world is a deadbeat like Benny was. Most of us are good, decent human beings who would be positively thrilled to have a wonderful daughter like Foxxy!
Bunny: Well... I suppose that's true...
Toot: (whispering to Clara) Hey, Clara, isn't that another one of your catchphrases?
Clara: (whispering) That's okay, Toot, I'll let this one go.
Bunny: But we may be getting all worked up over nothing. I mean, the signs do point in the direction of you being Foxxy's dad... but we don't know for sure!
Toot: Well, that's easy to fix. Just get a paternity test!
Clara: Oh, I know what we'll do! We'll use the ancient woodbeast!
Toot: I thought that was for finding out if you were gay!
Clara: It can be adapted to do paternity tests, too. You just need a certain attachment.
Toot: Actually... I have an even better idea!
Cut to a large TV studio. Toot, Foxxy, Clara, and Ricky sit in chairs on the stage. The <i>Maury</i> logo appears behind them. Toot holds a baby in her arms. Maury Povich addresses the audience.
Maury: Hello, and welcome to another installment of <i>Maury</i>! Our last topic, "Mentally challenged Nazi lesbian strippers", didn't work out so well, so we're back to doing good old-fashioned- (He motions to the audience.)
Audience: (in unison) Baby daddy!
Maury: Today we're here to find out if former Major League great Ricky really is the father of- (A very disgruntled Foxxy stands up.)
Foxxy: All right, now hold up, y'all!
The scene immediately cuts back to Bunny's house.
Foxxy: We ain't doin' it THAT way, Toot!
Toot: Awwwww!
Foxxy: Now I think the most sensible way to do it would be to go back to the house and have Dr. Wooldoor whip up a paternity test.
Toot: I suppose.
Ricky: (getting up) A paternity test sounds good, Foxxy. It'd be a nice change of pace to get one for somebody I'd actually WANT to be my daughter!
Foxxy: Then it's settled! Y'all can come to the Drawn Together house tomorrow and we'll do the test!
Ricky: Sounds good!
Bunny: (walking over to Ricky) We'll be there, Foxxy. But in the meantime, I think it's about time for Ricky and me to be leaving on our date.
Foxxy: Where y'all going?
Bunny: Shoney's. (She turns to Toot.) You're not going to throw food at us this time, are you?
Toot: Oh, no! Believe me, I'm perfectly fine with you dating HIM! (She gestures toward Ricky. Bunny smiles.)
Bunny: We'll see y'all later. (Bunny and Ricky walk out.)
Foxxy: (waving after them) Bye, bye, mama!
Bunny and Ricky are gone. The three women stand around looking at each other.
Toot: Well, that was fun.
Clara: Yup. (There is an extended pause. Clara begins to look impatient.) So... what are we waiting for, guys?
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Clara: Is there a reason we're just standing around here instead of getting on back to the house?
Toot: Just a moment!
She pulls out her cell phone and looks at the display. Nothing is showing, but Toot waits patiently for a moment. Clara and Foxxy look at each other wondering what the deal is. The sequence continues for some time before Foxxy finally speaks.
Foxxy: Toot, can we go?
Toot: Not yet, Foxxy! Just give me a minute, okay?
Foxxy shrugs in frustration and resumes waiting around. After a moment, Clara tries to remain patient, but is starting to become fidgety. She and Foxxy look at each other again. Foxxy shrugs. Clara turns back around. The group waits for another short amount of time. Clara turns back to Foxxy.
Clara: What do you want to bet this is what they'll play over the end credits?
Foxxy: Probably.
The three continue to wait some more. Finally, Toot's face lights up. On her phone display appears the text message "DRACULA HAS LEFT THE CASTLE". She turns to Foxxy and Clara excitedly.
Toot: Okay, guys, my mom's gone! We can go back to the house now!
Foxxy and Clara nod in realization. The three women walk away.
Clara: (offscreen) You know, we could have just gone to Dairy Queen or something.
Toot: (offscreen) Goddammit!
The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see all the housemates sitting around watching TV. Family Guy is on.
Peter: (on TV) Hey, Lois, can you get in the kitchen and get me a sandwich?
Lois: Get you a sandwich? I swear, Peter, that's even more degrading than the time I used to work for R. Kelly!
Cut to a teenaged Lois dressed in a maid's uniform standing in the bathroom of a large mansion.
R. Kelly: Now you're okay with cleaning up urine, right?
Lois: Yes, I understand it's part of the job.
R. Kelly: Thanks. So could you clean it up right now?
Lois: Well, where is it?
R. Kelly: On your face!
The camera cuts back to the housemates just as we hear Lois shriek.
Clara: Wait. I'm confused. Why do they keep interrupting the story to show scenes that don't have anything to do with what's going on?
Foxxy: They're called cutaway gags, Clara. Family Guy does them all the time.
Clara: Why?
Foxxy: The writers have ADHD.
Wooldoor: Hmm... maybe *I* could write for that show!
Spanky: Hey, guys, you ever wonder what it would be like if WE did cutaway gags like Family Guy?
The housemates all grab their chins and assume an "I'm thinking" expression. The scene changes to the kitchen of the Drawn Together house.
Toot: Goddammit, Spanky, why the hell did you have to eat all the pork rolls in the house?
Spanky: I was hungry!
Toot: You're even more inconsiderate than Xandir that time we all had tickets to go see Rent!
Cut to the housemates standing in front of a theater box office.
Wooldoor: Boy, I sure am excited to be seeing Rent!
Clara: Yeah, it sure was fortunate that Foxxy won that radio contest!
Toot: This will be the experience of a lifetime!
Hero: Where's Xandir with the tickets?
Xandir: (coming out of the bathroom) Bad news, guys. Looks like we're not going to be able to see Rent after all! (Everyone is frustrated.)
Spanky: Why the hell not?
Xandir: Well, I ran into this cute guy in the restroom and...
Toot: Let me guess. You gave him the tickets in exchange for having sex with you.
Xandir: Yeah, like I need to bribe people to have sex with me. No, actually, I was GOING to have sex with him, but he walked out before I could talk to him. But he was just so darned cute that I couldn't control my urges- I had to have sex with SOMETHING or else I'd pop! So...
Foxxy: So you had sex with the tickets. (Xandir nods.) Okay, fine. But that doesn't explain why you don't have the tickets anymore.
Xandir: Oh, I still have the tickets, Foxxy! You guys can still have them if you want.
Toot: We can?
Xandir: Sure! (He turns around and bends over in front of the group.) So which one of you wants to retrieve them?
Everyone looks at Xandir with disgust.
Spanky: This is the least enticing invitation I've been offered since I used to work for R. Kelly!
Cut to Spanky in a maid's uniform standing in R. Kelly's bathroom.
R. Kelly: Sorry, I was expecting someone younger.
Spanky: (sighs) This is the worst celebrity cameo we've had since Rosie O'Donnell was on the show!
Cut to the living room of the Drawn Together house. It appears to be near the beginning of "Hot Tub", as the housemates are all standing around getting acquainted with one another. Toot, livid, is choking Spanky within an inch of his life.
Toot: Goddammit, I am not Rosie O'Donnell! My name is Toot! You got that? Toot! Just because I have dark hair and I'm a liiiiiiiitle overweight does not make me Rosie F****** O'Donnell! (She shoves Spanky violently to the floor.) I swear, I haven't been this insulted since that time Osama Bin Laden came to visit!
Cut to a shot of an irritated Toot standing at the front door. In the doorway stands Osama Bin Laden.
Osama: You're fat. (Toot sighs in frustration.)
Toot: This is the lamest gag we've done since that time we decided to start doing cutaway gags like Family Guy!
Cut back to the living room at the beginning of the episode.
Spanky: Hey, guys, you ever wonder what it would be like if WE did cutaway gags like Family Guy?
Hero: Nope.
Toot: Nuh uh.
Wooldoor: No way!
Clara: Can't say I'm overly curious.
Spanky: Yeah, me either. (The group resumes watching TV.)
Peter: (on TV) Why, Lois! I never realized you were Japanese!
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. A huge banner is hung over the front door reading "Welcome Parents!". The parents of Hero, Spanky, and Toot are there along with many of the housemates. Everyone is standing around chatting.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I was so excited that it was Parents' Day at the house. I would have been even more excited had MY parents actually shown up! (He becomes sour.) But noooooooo- they were too busy being dead and stuff!
Cut back to the living room. Hero is talking to his parents.
Hero: I'm so glad you came today!
Mr. Hero: Don't thank me- thank the Viagra! (Hero and his father both laugh.)
Hero: Oh, you always were a witty one, Pop-Pop! You know, Pop-Pop, I can't help but notice that you're much chattier than you were the last time you came to visit. Why is that?
Mr. Hero: They got somebody different to do my voice now. The guy from Five for Fighting wasn't available anymore, so they just decided to use the same guy who voices you!
Hero: Jess Harnell?
Mr. Hero: That's right.
Hero: Oh, he's good!
Mrs. Hero: So when are we going to meet this new fiancee of yours, son?
Hero: Soon, Ima. Soon. Right now she's still upstairs getting ready. Tell you what. While I go and get her, why don't you introduce yourselves to Spanky's parents?
Hero goes upstairs. His parents walk over to a middle-aged pig couple. Spanky's father looks exactly like Spanky except that his unibrow is gray. Spanky's mother wears a low-cut dress and fishnet stockings.
Mr. Hero: (extending his hand, which Spanky's father shakes) Greetings. I am Senator Jeb Hero from Planet Zebulon. This is my wife Janet.
Mr. Ham: Hi. I'm Ronald Ham. This is my wife Marilyn.
Mrs. Ham: Pleased to meet you.
Mr. Hero: (to Mrs. Ham) Say... don't I know you from somewhere?
Cut to the kitchen. Wooldoor is busy preparing food while Toot helps. Clara sits at the kitchen table.
Wooldoor: (to Clara, while stirring something in a bowl) And thanks to new advances in cloning technology, Gary Busey could conceivably live forever!
Clara: That's nice, Wooldoor. I suppose.
Wooldoor: What's wrong, Clara?
Toot: (stepping over) I bet I know what it is. You're disappointed your father didn't show, aren't you?
Clara: Pretty much.
Wooldoor: So where is he?
Clara: (slightly angry) At the ballet, what do you think?
Toot: For what it's worth, I wish MY parents hadn't shown!
Clara: Why is that?
Toot: Clara, do you KNOW my parents at all?
Clara: Good point.
Toot: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we trade? My mom for your stepmom?
Clara: I don't know, Toot.
Toot: Come on, it'll be fun! I'll even show you how to say "Suck my balls" to her!
Clara: (beginning to smile) Well, when you put it that way!
Toot: See there, I knew I could get you to cheer up!
Clara: Yeah. I guess you're right. Who cares about them?
Toot: Yeah!
Clara: I like you guys better anyway.
Toot: You're damn right you do!
Wooldoor: I guess Parents' Day is nice for the rest of them. But I'm happier being in here with the Cool Kids!
Toot: Cool Kids?
Clara: Wooldoor, I keep telling you, we're not starting those stupid cliques back up!
Wooldoor: But we can still tickle torture Xandir, right?
Clara: Oh, totally!
Wooldoor: What about chainsaw wedgies?
Toot: Nah. Those kind of lost their fun when we found out he liked them!
Just at that moment, we hear the King's trumpet fanfare.
Clara: Oh, my!
Toot: I guess your father showed after all, Clara!
Clara: I'd better go let him in!
With Wooldoor and Toot following her, Clara goes into the living room and opens the front door. Standing in front of her are Xandir's parents.
Clara: What the hell?
Toot: I didn't know you were part elf, Clara!
Clara: Toot, don't be silly.
Toot: Hey, Clara, can I go take a ride on your magic dragon? (Toot begins rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.)
Mrs. Wifflebottom: Dragon?
Mr. Wifflebottom: What the hell is she talking about?
Clara: You got me! (She pauses for a moment.) Wait. I'm confused. If my father isn't here, then... why did I hear his fanfare?
Cut to Hero and Spanky standing over by the stereo.
Hero: Dude! That is an awesome record! What's it called?
Spanky: "Great Cartoon Monarch Trumpet Fanfares of the 70's"!
Hero: Well, turn it up, man!
Spanky puts on another fanfare. He and Hero begin disco dancing. The scene cuts back to Clara.
Clara: Anyway, I'm Princess Clara. I'm guessing you're Xandir's parents.
Mr. Wifflebottom: What gave it away?
Toot: Oh, I don't know! Your magical healing powers? Ha ha ha! (She continues rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.) Oh, I kill me!
Toot (in confessional): Just so you know, that was not a suicide joke!
Cut back to Toot still rolling on the floor laughing. Xandir's father looks at her.
Mr. Wifflebottom: That young lady has a lot to learn about elves.
Clara: Yes. Yes, she does. Oh, say, Mr. Wifflebottom. I'm curious about something. Your name isn't Stan, is it?
Mr. Wifflebottom: Stan? No, my name is Jeffrey. Why?
Clara: No reason.
Toot: (regaining her composure) So what's your name, Mrs. Wifflebottom?
Mrs. Wifflebottom: My name? Why, "Xandir's mom" of course. (Clara, Toot, and Wooldoor are all confused.)
Clara: What?
Toot: That doesn't even make sense!
Wooldoor: How did your parents know you were going to have a son named Xandir?
Mr. Wifflebottom: Son? What are you talking about? We don't have a son!
Toot: Ha! Xandir's a girl! I knew it!
Clara: Toot, I think the Wifflebottoms are messing with us. (to Mrs. Wifflebottom) Your name isn't really "Xandir's mom", is it?
Mrs. Wifflebottom: (making donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Clara: (slightly alarmed) You do that a little TOO well.
Toot: Hold it a minute. This can't be possible. Xandir actually has HUMOR in his genes? No, I'm sorry. He must have been adopted!
Clara: So you're saying that someone took Xandir into their home voluntarily?
Toot: Good point. (shaking their hands) Pleased to meet you, Xandir's parents!
Mr. Wifflebottom: (to his wife) I think they like us, Barbara.
Clara: Something else I'm curious about. Xandir's never told us what his middle initial P stands for.
Toot: I still say it stands for-
Clara: No, it doesn't, Toot! (She turns to the Wifflebottoms.) So what does it stand for? Please tell me it's not something dirty!
Mr. Wifflebottom: Oh, don't worry, Clara. It's not dirty or strange in any way.
Wooldoor: So what is it?
Mr. Wifflebottom: Pneu'men'th-xenoqui'll'htryt-ino'megar-retey'lsje'dhpi-jijdgyg%#$@penoumon'ofu'r-th!
Toot, Clara, and Wooldoor stare blankly for a moment.
Wooldoor: Awwwww! That's what I was going to name MY baby!
Toot: (to Mrs. Wifflebottom) Is he ill? Do we need to get him something for his cough?
Clara: I think he's speaking in tongues!
Mr. Wifflebottom: No, no, no, Pneu'men'th-xenoqui'll'htryt-ino'megar-retey'lsje'dhpi-jijdgyg%#$@penoumon'ofu'r-th is a traditional elf name!
Mrs. Wifflebottom: We named him after his grandfather.
Toot: I can sure imagine his grandma screaming THAT name during sex!
Clara: I think *I* screamed that once when I dropped a heavy box on my bare foot!
Toot: Now it's my turn to be curious about something. When did you guys realize Xandir was gay?
Mr. Wifflebottom: It was when he played junior varsity football. He was more upset about having helmet hair than about losing the game!
Toot: Wait a minute. Xandir played football?
Mrs. Wifflebottom: He got tackled a LOT.
Mr. Wifflebottom: Didn't really seem to mind that much.
Wooldoor: That sounds about right.
Clara: Well, the three of us are going to go back in the kitchen now and finish getting dinner ready. It was great meeting you guys!
Toot: Yeah! Isn't it totally ironic that out of all of us, XANDIR is the one with the coolest parents?
Everyone chuckles. The scene changes to Hero's parents talking to Spanky's parents.
Mr. Ham: Then after I unloaded that toxic waste dump on the city of LA, I was promoted to head salesman at my company!
Mrs. Hero: What did they ever do with the toxic waste dump?
Mr. Ham: I think today you know it as "Dodger Stadium". (The Heros nod.) So anyway, Spanky tells us that you two are from Planet Zebulon.
Mr. Hero: That's right.
Mrs. Ham: I was so sorry to hear your planet was destroyed.
Mr. Hero: That's okay. The destruction of our home and all our closest friends was sad, but Zebulon's demise at least meant that all the stars of Everybody Loves Zorgleblek perished along with it!
Mrs. Hero: Oh, I hate that Patricia Heatongleb!
Mr. Hero: I know! What a klexblunt!
Captain Hero walks up to the group.
Hero: Hello, Ima, Pop-Pop! I'm glad you two seem to be hitting it off with Spanky's parents! I just talked to Foxxy, and- (Immediately Hero's eyes bug out. He becomes extremely excited.) Oh, my God! Miss Hambone! (He rushes up to Mrs. Ham.) Miss Hambone! I can't believe you came back to visit us! Whatever brings you to the Drawn Together house today?
Mrs. Ham: I came to visit my son!
Hero: Who's your son?
Mrs. Ham: (with a look of disbelief) Wooldoor!
Hero: (nodding) Yes... I can definitely see the resemblance!
Foxxy: (walking up to the group) Howdy, y'all!
Hero: Ah! Foxxy, you're here! Everyone, this is my fiancee- Foxxy Love!
Mr. Ham: Wow... you're making it with a black chick? Nice!
Mrs. Ham: Wait. I didn't realize Foxxy was the black one. I thought you were dating that princess girl.
Hero: No... sadly, things didn't work out between Clara and me.
Mrs. Ham: Why not?
Suddenly, Clara races into the living room out of nowhere and rushes up to Hero.
Clara: (holding a finger up threateningly) I swear to God, Hero, if you say-
Hero: My penis was just too big for her!
Clara: (taken aback) What???
Hero: I mean, look who she married! Clara obviously likes the teenies! (He shrugs.) And can I help it if I've got a huge one?
Mr. Hero: Not at all, son. If that's anyone's fault, it's mine! The Heros come from a long line of gigantic schlongs!
Clara: "A long line of gigantic schlongs"? I'm sorry, but I would appreciate it if you didn't use language like that in this house.
Mr. Hero: I'm sorry, dear. Are you offended by bawdy talk?
Clara: No, that's not it at all.
Suddenly Xandir rushes in.
Xandir: Did somebody just say something about a long line of-
Everyone: NO!
Xandir: Awwwww! (He walks away disappointed. The others nod in acknowledgement of Clara's statement. Hero turns to Mrs. Ham excitedly.)
Hero: Anyway, I'm just so glad you came back to visit us, Miss Hambone!
Mr. Ham: Wait a minute. Where the hell do you know my wife from?
Mrs. Ham: (turning to him) Ronald...
Mr. Ham: (He sighs.) Never mind. It's from porn, isn't it?
Mr. Hero: (suddenly realizing) So THAT'S why you look so familiar! (He pulls down his pants.) Can I have your autograph?
Foxxy: (shaking her head) Like father, like son! (At that moment, the doorbell rings again.) I'll get that!
Foxxy walks over to the door and opens it to find her mother standing there. Bunny is wearing a shirt that says "MILF" on it.
Foxxy: Mama! You made it!
Bunny: (hugging Foxxy) Of course I made it, Foxxy. You didn't think I'd miss Parents' Day at the Drawn Together house, did you?
Foxxy: I know, I'm excited you's here, that's all.
Bunny: Well, thank you very much, Foxxy. I'm excited to be here.
Foxxy: Now that you're here, I think this would be as good a time as any for you to meet Captain Hero's parents. I'll take you over to them. (Foxxy starts to lead her mom over to where Hero and his parents are standing, but Bunny suddenly stops.) What is it, mama?
Bunny: Oh, Lordy! I think somebody's trying to fondle me! I just felt somebody's hand squeezing my bunny tail!
Foxxy: Oh, Goddammit, Elmer, I thought y'all decided to stay with Toot's mama! Would you please get your shriveled old hands off my mama's ass?
Suddenly Toot's father turns around.
Elmer: What?
The camera pulls out to reveal that Elmer is on the other side of the room.
Foxxy: (slightly embarrassed) Never mind.
Bunny: Wait. So if it isn't Toot's papa touching my tail, then who-
Foxxy and Bunny turn around. We see a very intoxicated Jun-Jee standing there.
Jun-Jee: Hello, honorable geisha! Jun-Jee not mind sticking cane in THAT landmine!
Foxxy: Jun-Jee, just what the hell do you think y'all's doing? I thought you was shacked up with that girl from the candy store!
Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee not with filthy whore anymore. Jun-Jee leave her- decide he just have too many wild oats to sow!
Foxxy: (calling into the other room) Oh, Ling-Ling? Would y'all come get y'all's papa?
Mr. Ham: (to Clara) They sure do like to say "y'all" a lot, don't they?
Clara: Ugh. Do NOT get me started!
Ling-Ling trudges into the room.
Ling-Ling: No, father! Not good idea to hit on mother of chocolate animal woman.
Jun-Jee: Why not? (He looks at Bunny seductively.) Jun-Jee have biggest penis in all of Asia! (He then looks down disappointedly.) For what that worth.
Bunny: Well, Mr. Jun-Jee, I'm very flattered by your invitation. But unfortunately I will have to pass on account of I'm seeing someone at the moment.
Jun-Jee nods in acknowledgement. Foxxy turns to her mother in surprise.
Foxxy: Mama? You didn't tell me y'all had a boyfriend!
Bunny: Actually, Foxxy, we just started seeing each other.
Foxxy: Well, you should have brought him here today! I'd really like to meet him!
Bunny: Unfortunately, he couldn't make it this afternoon on account of he had a prior commitment. But y'all should come by the house later! He'll be there later on this evening.
Foxxy: Oh, I totally will, mama!
Bunny: In fact, you should bring y'all's friends along, too! (She looks at Foxxy with a smile.) Who knows... this guy might end up being your new stepdad!
Foxxy: My new stepdad? Oh, wouldn't that just be great? I've always wanted a new stepdad! (Clara suddenly walks over to the group.)
Clara: Hold on a minute. Foxxy, why are you excited about getting a new stepdad? Stepparents are bad!
Foxxy: Oh, no, they's not, Clara! There ain't nothing wrong with stepparents!
Clara: Ha!
Bunny: (to Clara) I'm guessing your family situation is not exactly the happiest of situations, is it?
Clara: You got that right. My stepmother is an evil witch!
Bunny: Now, Clara, maybe you and your stepmother don't get along, but that's no reason to call her a witch.
Clara: No, I'm being serious, she actually is a witch. She put a curse on me and made a monster grow inside my vagina.
Bunny: Oh. Oh, well, that makes sense, then.
Foxxy: But Clara, your situation is very different from mine. I mean, you loved your mama more than anything. No stepmother was ever going to be able to live up to that in your eyes.
Clara: I suppose that's true.
Foxxy: Whereas with my papa, ANYTHING would be an improvement! I mean, not only did that scumbag asshole run out on the family when I was barely old enough to walk, when I finally tracked him down, he ran out on me AGAIN! People like that don't deserve to be parents!
Ling-Ling: Yeah... Benny rotten father to Ling-Ling too. Even before he run out again, he stop paying attention to Ling-Ling when Foxxy come along. Maybe if Ling-Ling dress up in orphan schoolgirl outfit, Benny pay more attention to him!
Clara: (turning to Ling-Ling with surprise) I don't know about Benny, but Clara sure will!
Foxxy: I'm telling you, Clara, even Marvin Gaye, Sr. was a better father than (she spews his name with resentment) Uncle Benny!
Bunny: Benny was a pretty poor excuse for a father, all right. I still find it hard to believe I ever married him.
Clara: Yeah... and as kind and thoughtful a person as Foxxy ended up being, I find it hard to believe that a douchebag like Benny is her biological father!
Bunny: If he even IS her father! (Suddenly, Foxxy becomes alarmed. She turns to her mother.)
Foxxy: Mama? What you mean?
Bunny: Oh, nothing, Foxxy. Never mind. (She looks at both women.) Well, anyway, I'm sorry I can't stay longer. I need to go get ready for my date tonight. (She turns and starts to walk away, but then turns back.) So can I expect y'all at the house later?
Clara: Sure, why not? Sounds like fun!
Bunny: Sounds good, I'll see y'all then!
Bunny turns and walks to the door. Foxxy and Clara look at each other and nod. Suddenly, looks of worry cross their faces. Foxxy turns back to Bunny.
Foxxy: (calling out) Wait, mama! Stop! (Bunny stops and turns around.)
Bunny: What is it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: (looking down) Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling runs up to Bunny. With a mighty jump, he leaps and grabs Bunny's rear end.
Bunny: Oh, Lordy!
Ling-Ling comes back down to earth holding his father by the tail.
Ling-Ling: Father, no!
Jun-Jee: Oh, well can't fault Jun-Jee for trying!
Bunny smiles and shrugs, then turns and walks out as Ling-Ling looks at his father in admonishment. The scene fades.
The scene fades back up on the living room some time later. The party is still going on.
Mrs. Hero: We were so excited when our son told us he was engaged! And to such a lovely young girl, too!
Mrs. Wifflebottom: I wonder if OUR son will ever settle down and get married.
Mr. Wifflebottom: Oh, he will, eventually. Right now, he's just trying out every mangina in the free world to figure out which one he likes best!
Mrs. Ham: I don't think you could ever do any better than the woman OUR son married!
Mr. Ham: I know... I was so worried he'd marry someone who looked exactly like his mother!
While everyone else is busy chatting with their parents, a depressed Foxxy and Clara talk to each other off to the side.
Foxxy: You know what, Clara? With my mama gone, Parents' Day just isn't that much fun anymore. What say you and I ditch this party and just go on to my mama's house?
Suddenly Toot appears in front of them.
Toot: (excited) Ooh! You guys are ditching? I want in on that!
Foxxy: Toot, Clara and I are leaving cause our parents ain't here!
Toot: And I want to leave for the exact opposite reason!
Clara: She does have a point.
Foxxy: I can't argue with that. So it's the three of us going, then?
Clara: Why don't we go get Wooldoor? His parents aren't here either. I bet he'd like to come too!
Toot: I think you're too late, Clara.
Clara: Why?
The group turns to where Spanky's parents are standing. Wooldoor is grabbing hold of Mrs. Ham's legs.
Mr. Ham: Wooldoor, get off my wife!
Wooldoor: No! I want Mrs. Ham to be my new mommy!
Spanky: I suppose it WOULD be fun having a little brother. (He looks at Wooldoor sternly.) But *I* get the big room!
Mr. Ham: Honey, what was the point of getting your tubes tied if you're just going to keep adopting them?
Mrs. Ham shakes Wooldoor off. He immediately turns to Hero's mom.
Wooldoor: (to Mrs. Hero) Will YOU be my new mommy?
Mr. Hero: (to his wife) He does resemble a Zebulonian tribble monster!
Mrs. Hero looks confused. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot all look at each other. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on a simple but dignified house in the suburbs. Foxxy, Clara, and Toot walk up to the front door.
Clara: Wow! This is a nice house! It's not what I was expecting at all!
Foxxy: Let me guess. You was expecting my mama to live in some rundown ghetto shack or some derelict housing project.
Clara: I'm not stereotyping, Foxxy, I just know how our writers are.
Foxxy nods, then turns and knocks on the door.
Bunny: (inside house) Come in!
Foxxy opens the door. The three women walk in. Seated at the dining room table is a middle-aged black man with an athletic body. Foxxy's face lights up.
Foxxy: Oh my God! It's Ricky!
Ricky: Hey, Foxxy! How you doin'?
Foxxy: I'm doin' good, sugar, what about you?
Ricky: Oh, the Ricky's been doin' great with hisself! Or did you forget about my fabulous baseball career?
Toot: Wow! You two know each other?
Foxxy: Ricky is an old family friend, Toot.
Ricky: That's right. I dated y'all's mama before you was born, and well, I guess Bunny just decided it was finally time to give Ricky another shot!
Foxxy: Wow. So you is my mama's new boyfriend!
Ricky: That's right. Unless... the Foxxy wants first crack at him! (He winks at her.)
Foxxy: Oh, Ricky, you so crazy!
Clara: Wait a minute. Foxxy, did your mom's new boyfriend just hit on you?
Foxxy: Oh, it's okay, Clara. Ricky hits on me all the time. I never take him up on it, though. (She becomes thoughtful.) And I'm not really sure why.
Bunny walks into the room holding drinks.
Bunny: Hey, everyone! (She begins handing everyone a drink.) So how do you like your mama's new boyfriend, Foxxy?
Foxxy: I think you made a good choice, mama.
Bunny: I think I did too.
Foxxy: So how is it that you two ended up dating again?
Ricky: Well, the Ricky's been kind of going through a period of changes in his life. I kind of put family life aside to be the greatest baseball player of all time for a while, but after I finally had to accept that my body was just too old and broken down to keep playing anymore, well... the Ricky got to thinking.
Clara and Toot look at each other. Clara opens her mouth to speak, but Toot stops her.
Toot: (whispering) Don't say it, Clara.
Ricky: I was on the road for 25 years, and playing baseball was fun, but it seems like the happiest times I had during that period was when we'd make a road trip to LA and I could stop in and visit Bunny for a few days. So once the Ricky finally retired, he thought he'd look up Bunny with an eye to actually sticking around for a little while.
Clara: You said that you two had dated once before. When was that, exactly?
Bunny: Let me think. Oh... about nine months before Foxxy was born, I think!
Clara and Toot look at each other in alarm.
Foxxy: Well, I'm glad you's back, Ricky. It's just too bad you couldn't have been the one she married instead of that asshole Benny.
Bunny: I know, Foxxy. But at least Ricky kept in touch over the years.
Foxxy: That *is* true...
(At that moment, we hear a ding coming from the kitchen.)
Bunny: Oh, that'd be the muffins I'd be making for y'all! Hey, could one of y'all come help me take them out of the oven?
Ricky: (getting up) I'll help you, Bunny.
Bunny: Why, thanks, Ricky.
The two of them walk out together. Foxxy turns to Clara and Toot.
Foxxy: Well, isn't this nice, y'all? Looks like my mama might finally have a man she can rely on!
Toot: (slightly alarmed) That's nice, Foxxy. Ricky seems like a good guy.
Foxxy: (noticing how Clara and Toot are acting) What's going on, you guys?
Clara: Foxxy... um... about Ricky...
Foxxy: What about him? Is something wrong with him?
Toot: No, it's not that. It's just-
Foxxy: I mean, I know he's got kind of an ego, but that don't make him a bad person! He and my mama get along great!
Clara: That's not what we're talking about, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Then what is it?
Toot: Foxxy, have you... noticed... anything unusual about Ricky?
Foxxy: Like what?
Toot: Like the fact that he looks a little like you?
Clara: That he always talks about himself in the third person?
Toot: That he dated your mother about nine months before you were born?
Clara: That comment your mother made about "if Benny even IS your father"?
Foxxy: What are y'all getting at?
Toot: Foxxy... we think that Ricky may be your real father.
Foxxy: What? Oh, come on, Toot, that's crazy talk! Ricky ain't my papa! As much as I hate to admit it, that scumbag Benny is my biological father.
Clara: Based on what? That stupid forehead thing?
Toot: And we know that whole thing about your mom being an actual fox isn't canon!
Foxxy: But... why would my mom let me think Benny is my father if he really wasn't?
Clara: It sounds like your mom was with a number of different guys around that time.
Toot: She dated my dad around then, too!
Clara: I think possibly your mom doesn't even know who your real father is, Foxxy. So maybe she just assumed it was Benny.
Foxxy: Well, why couldn't she just find out with a paternity test or something?
Toot: Well, in order to do a paternity test, the guy has to be... um... what's the word I'm looking for?
Clara: There?
Toot: That's it!
Foxxy: Oh, that's crazy, y'all! There is no way that Ricky could be my biological papa! (Suddenly we hear Ricky's voice coming from the kitchen.)
Ricky: (from kitchen, singing) La-la-la-la-labia baby, you got something for me! (begins speaking normally) Your daughter wrote a real catchy song there, Bunny, you know that? You know, I was the best singer on my ball club!
Bunny: (from kitchen) That ain't nothing, Ricky. Ballplayers ain't exactly known for their singing abilities!
Ricky: (from kitchen) Be that as it may!
Clara and Toot's eyes both bug out. Foxxy gasps and covers her mouth with her hands.
Foxxy: Oh, Lordy!
Bunny and Ricky walk back into the room, each holding a large tray of muffins.
Bunny: Here's your snacks, y'all. I wouldn't normally have made so many, but I was kind of expecting more people.
Toot: (almost salivating) Oh, don't worry, Bunny, we can finish them!
Bunny: Oh, right, I forgot one of your friends was Toot!
Clara takes a single muffin and begins snacking on it while Toot chows down on one entire tray. Foxxy walks over to Ricky.
Foxxy: Ricky... I got something I want to say to you.
Ricky: (smiling) What's that, Foxxy? You decide y'all's finally interested in making it with the Ricky after all?
Foxxy: Ewwww, no!
Ricky: Ewwww? Whatchoo talkin' about, Foxxy? Why am I suddenly so gross to you?
Foxxy: Why? Cause you're my papa, that's why!
Ricky: (taken aback) Papa? Whatchoo talkin' about, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ricky, I have reason to believe that you are my biological papa. (She turns to Bunny.) Mama, you said yourself that Benny may not even be my real father.
Bunny: Well... I suppose it could be true. I mean, I was seeing both of y'all around that time.
Foxxy: Ricky, haven't you noticed how much the two of us have in common? It can't be an accident that we get along so well!
Ricky: Hmmm. Maybe I *am* your papa, Foxxy! (He suddenly becomes alarmed.) Oh, Lordy! If I'm your papa, then... oh, my God! Here I am, I've been trying to put the moves on you all these years! Oh, Foxxy, I'm so sorry!
Foxxy: Oh, that's okay, Ricky. You didn't know!
Ricky: Well, maybe I didn't. But it's still wrong! It's just weird for a father to be looking at his daughter like that!
Foxxy raises her eyebrows. She and Toot both turn and look at Clara.
Clara: What?
Ricky turns to Bunny.
Ricky: Now hold on, this don't make sense. (He turns to Bunny.) Bunny, why didn't y'all tell me there was a good chance I might be Foxxy's dad?
Bunny: Well, it's complicated, Ricky. I mean, Benny eventually ran out on the family. I was just afraid if you thought you might be Foxxy's papa... you might suddenly stop coming around too.
Ricky: (walks over to Bunny) Bunny... (He puts his arm around her.) Not every man in this world is a deadbeat like Benny was. Most of us are good, decent human beings who would be positively thrilled to have a wonderful daughter like Foxxy!
Bunny: Well... I suppose that's true...
Toot: (whispering to Clara) Hey, Clara, isn't that another one of your catchphrases?
Clara: (whispering) That's okay, Toot, I'll let this one go.
Bunny: But we may be getting all worked up over nothing. I mean, the signs do point in the direction of you being Foxxy's dad... but we don't know for sure!
Toot: Well, that's easy to fix. Just get a paternity test!
Clara: Oh, I know what we'll do! We'll use the ancient woodbeast!
Toot: I thought that was for finding out if you were gay!
Clara: It can be adapted to do paternity tests, too. You just need a certain attachment.
Toot: Actually... I have an even better idea!
Cut to a large TV studio. Toot, Foxxy, Clara, and Ricky sit in chairs on the stage. The <i>Maury</i> logo appears behind them. Toot holds a baby in her arms. Maury Povich addresses the audience.
Maury: Hello, and welcome to another installment of <i>Maury</i>! Our last topic, "Mentally challenged Nazi lesbian strippers", didn't work out so well, so we're back to doing good old-fashioned- (He motions to the audience.)
Audience: (in unison) Baby daddy!
Maury: Today we're here to find out if former Major League great Ricky really is the father of- (A very disgruntled Foxxy stands up.)
Foxxy: All right, now hold up, y'all!
The scene immediately cuts back to Bunny's house.
Foxxy: We ain't doin' it THAT way, Toot!
Toot: Awwwww!
Foxxy: Now I think the most sensible way to do it would be to go back to the house and have Dr. Wooldoor whip up a paternity test.
Toot: I suppose.
Ricky: (getting up) A paternity test sounds good, Foxxy. It'd be a nice change of pace to get one for somebody I'd actually WANT to be my daughter!
Foxxy: Then it's settled! Y'all can come to the Drawn Together house tomorrow and we'll do the test!
Ricky: Sounds good!
Bunny: (walking over to Ricky) We'll be there, Foxxy. But in the meantime, I think it's about time for Ricky and me to be leaving on our date.
Foxxy: Where y'all going?
Bunny: Shoney's. (She turns to Toot.) You're not going to throw food at us this time, are you?
Toot: Oh, no! Believe me, I'm perfectly fine with you dating HIM! (She gestures toward Ricky. Bunny smiles.)
Bunny: We'll see y'all later. (Bunny and Ricky walk out.)
Foxxy: (waving after them) Bye, bye, mama!
Bunny and Ricky are gone. The three women stand around looking at each other.
Toot: Well, that was fun.
Clara: Yup. (There is an extended pause. Clara begins to look impatient.) So... what are we waiting for, guys?
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Clara: Is there a reason we're just standing around here instead of getting on back to the house?
Toot: Just a moment!
She pulls out her cell phone and looks at the display. Nothing is showing, but Toot waits patiently for a moment. Clara and Foxxy look at each other wondering what the deal is. The sequence continues for some time before Foxxy finally speaks.
Foxxy: Toot, can we go?
Toot: Not yet, Foxxy! Just give me a minute, okay?
Foxxy shrugs in frustration and resumes waiting around. After a moment, Clara tries to remain patient, but is starting to become fidgety. She and Foxxy look at each other again. Foxxy shrugs. Clara turns back around. The group waits for another short amount of time. Clara turns back to Foxxy.
Clara: What do you want to bet this is what they'll play over the end credits?
Foxxy: Probably.
The three continue to wait some more. Finally, Toot's face lights up. On her phone display appears the text message "DRACULA HAS LEFT THE CASTLE". She turns to Foxxy and Clara excitedly.
Toot: Okay, guys, my mom's gone! We can go back to the house now!
Foxxy and Clara nod in realization. The three women walk away.
Clara: (offscreen) You know, we could have just gone to Dairy Queen or something.
Toot: (offscreen) Goddammit!
The scene fades.
(to be continued...)