Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jun 22, 2008 17:11:36 GMT -5
WHEN HERO MET TOOT
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where all the housemates minus Clara are gathered in the living room playing cards. Everyone present is wearing their underwear and nothing else.
Spanky: All right, guys, read 'em and weep! (He holds his cards out.) Full house! (Everyone reacts with frustration.) Come on, guys, you know what that means! You gotta put something back on!
Begrudgingly, each of the housemates grabs an item of clothing and puts it back on. Foxxy puts her hat on, Toot puts her skirt on, Hero puts his cape on, and Wooldoor puts one sock on. Xandir sits looking confused.
Spanky: Come on, Xandir, you know the rules!
Xandir: Fine!
He takes out a ring and reaches down toward his crotch area just out of the camera's view. As the other housemates sit looking thoroughly disgusted, we see Xandir's hand adjusting his area. The scene cuts to the kitchen, where we see Marty watching the scene while Clara sits at the table reading the newspaper.
Marty: (to Clara) So why aren't you playing reverse strip poker with the others?
Clara: (casually turning around) Oh, they quit letting me play once they suspected I might be taking a dive.
The scene changes to a flashback of an earlier game. The group sits around, all naked except for Clara, who is wearing a slip.
Clara: Sorry, guys, I got nothing. (She lays down five cards. We see that the cards are a two of clubs, a three of hearts, a six of spades, an eight of clubs, and a nine of diamonds.) I guess I lose! (Clara slides back into her dress. The group looks at her angrily.) What? I'm being serious, I lost! (Everyone else continues to glare at her.) Really! I'm being honest this time! Why don't you believe me?
Foxxy: Because we haven't even dealt the cards yet, Clara!
There is silence for a moment. Clara looks around embarrassed. The scene changes back to the present.
Clara: I know I've asked you this before, but... are you SURE you really want to marry into this?
Marty: Clara, if you haven't chased me away by now, you're not going to. At this point, I just don't know what you guys could possibly have left to throw at me! I mean, I've already been exposed to... (he begins listing them off on his fingers) the guys' little Monday night roleplaying game- Swords and Serpents, or Wizards and Warlocks, whatever it's called, Tuesday's Naked Scrabble, the Wednesday night Drawn Together drinking game, Sockbat tossing on Thursday, linoleum darts on Friday, and your Saturday night game of reverse strip poker!
Clara: Ah, but there's still Sunday! No outsider has ever witnessed our Sunday activity and not deeply regretted it!
Marty: What do you guys do on Sunday?
Clara: One word, Marty. (She pauses dramatically. Marty looks at her questioningly.) Tamponball.
Marty: What's tamponball?
Clara: (pausing to survey Marty for a moment) I don't think you're ready yet. (He continues to look confused. Clara gets up from the table and walks over to the counter. She reaches into the drawer and pulls out a very thick book and hands it to Marty.) Here. This book contains everything you're going to need for tomorrow night.
Marty: (looking at the book) Clara, this is a copy of Stephen King's <i>The Stand</i>.
Clara: I know. You need to stay in your room tomorrow night reading that book, trying to forget about all the horror that's taking place downstairs!
Marty: Um... thanks, Clara.
Clara: Don't mention it! (Clara starts to sit back down at the table. Marty looks in the direction of the living room. A fearful look crosses his face.)
Marty: Hey, Clara, are you cold?
Clara: No. Why?
Marty: Apparently someone thinks you need a coat! (Clara turns around. We see a heavy coat slowly inching its way across the floor toward Clara.) Ah, so this why your housemates go naked all the time! Their clothes are haunted!
Clara: Don't be silly, Marty! (Clara gets up from the table and steps over toward the coat. She picks it up off the floor. Underneath the coat is Ling-Ling, gasping and wheezing.)
Ling-Ling: Carla! Carla, help!
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, what's wrong? (She picks him up.)
Ling-Ling: (still gasping for breath) Ling-Ling try to play cards with others, but when he lose, Ling-Ling not have clothes so they make him put on heavy coat! Nearly smother Ling-Ling to death!
Clara: (petting him) Don't worry, Ling-Ling, you're safe now!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have to run away! If he lose another hand, they make him wear pants!
Clara: It's okay, Ling-Ling. (Still holding Ling-Ling, Clara gets up from the table.) I'll go have a talk with the others. Those people think they can make MY husband wear pants, they've got another thing coming!
Chad Huffington (in confessional): (sadly) Why doesn't anybody like wearing pants anymore?
Clara walks into the living room where the others are still playing cards. She stops and stands watching them.
Spanky: Sorry, Toot, you lose! You gotta put your top back on!
Toot: Awwww! But my boobs look great today!
Foxxy: Rules are rules, Toot!
Toot: Awwww... okay!
Spanky: (looking to Foxxy's right) Um, Hero, I think you may be getting your clothes out of the wrong pile.
Hero: (offscreen) Why?
The camera cuts to Hero. He is wearing Foxxy's top, shorts, and G-string along with Toot's stockings.
Spanky: No reason.
Marty: (walking into the living room, book in hand) Hey, guys! How's the game going?
Hero: It's going great, Marty!
Foxxy: You sure you don't want to play with us?
Marty: Thanks for the offer. But I think I'll pass.
Wooldoor: Awwwww! Why?
Marty: Call me old-fashioned, but... I believe that the only person should be allowed to know what I look like naked is the one I love! (He puts his arm around Toot, who smiles.)
Wooldoor: Awwwww, that's so sweet!
Hero: Wait. If that's true, then shouldn't YOU be the only person who's allowed to know what TOOT looks like naked?
Toot: Yeah, Hero, that boat kinda sailed away a long time ago. In case you haven't noticed, I've been naked on the show, like, 30, 40 times already!
Hero: Well, yeah, but it's not like anyone ever LOOKS! (Toot gives Hero an angry look.) I mean, *I* certainly never have! (Toot continues to glare at him.) I have certainly never, ever been in a position that would require me to spend any more time than is absolutely necessary with Toot's naked body! (By now, the others begin to stare at Hero as well.) No, sir! One person who's certainly never had cause to see Toot naked is yours truly!
Toot: Thank you, Hero. That'll do. (Hero shuts up.)
Marty: Well, it doesn't matter, you guys. What's past is past.
Toot: Thank you, Marty.
Marty: I don't care how many tens of thousands of people Toot has slept with- all that matters is that the rest of them are all going to be me!
Toot: Okay, now I'm coming off as kind of a slut.
Marty: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-
Toot: It's okay, Marty. I actually kinda like it! It sure beats being known as the girl who can't get anybody else to go to bed with her!
Foxxy: Eh. If you toss out all those people you only got to screw cause them Indians thought you was a talking cow, you ain't THAT big a slut!
Wooldoor: Hey, guys, I just thought of something! If everyone in India thought Toot was a cow, and they had sex with her anyway... does that mean the entire nation of India is into bestiality?
Clara: I really don't think our writers thought through it that deeply, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Well, maybe they should have! The implications are very disturbing!
Spanky: Yes, Wooldoor. Point taken.
Toot: Okay, so maybe I'm not reeeeeeally a slut. But I'm close!
Foxxy: Oh, nonsense! Before you made all them Indians have sex with you, nobody would touch you!
Toot: Oh, yes, they would!
Foxxy: Don't you remember? You came in here that day just offering yourself up to everybody and you couldn't get any takers!
Foxxy (in confessional): Yes, I know I was in the other story that week. But I know what happened cause I watched the episode later on TV! (She pauses for a moment.) It wasn't one of my favorites.
Toot: Well, it's not my fault you guys have horrible taste!
Clara: Toot, why do you want to be thought of as a slut anyway? Being a slut is bad!
Wooldoor: Don't judge us, Clara!
Toot: I know, Clara. But you have to remember where I'm coming from. Usually I'm used to being thought of as gross... fat... ugly... completely undesirable in any form! If I'm a slut, it at least means that guys are willing to have sex with me!
Spanky: Toot, I know we tease you, but that's just what we do! We don't mean any harm!
Toot: Maybe. It still hurts, though.
Hero: I know. And we're sorry.
Toot: Thanks. I guess.
Spanky: And besides, you can't be THAT undesirable, can you? I mean, you HAVE gotten just about everyone in this house to sleep with you at one point or another!
Toot: That's true. I have!
Foxxy: Now don't that beat all? We's all the time teasing Toot for being ugly, and here she is getting more action than anybody! Well... more action amongst the group, at least.
Spanky: Yeah. I gotta admit, I'm pretty surprised by that!
Wooldoor: Me too!
Xandir: Me three!
Toot: (getting a little annoyed) Okay, it shouldn't be THAT surprising to you!
Marty: You're darn right it shouldn't!
Toot: I mean, I may not be as beautiful as Foxxy or Clara, but I think I'm kinda cute in my own unique way!
Clara: Yeah, you tell 'em, Toot!
Toot: And maybe I'm not the best looking thing on the planet, but I've got a hell of a personality!
Foxxy: Ain't that the truth!
Toot: So all you assbags can just suck my balls, cause I am SEXY!
Marty: Yeah!
Hero: And besides, she's GREAT in bed! (Suddenly, the room falls silent. Everyone begins to stare at Hero.) What? I mean it, she is! She's fantastic! (to Marty) You really are a lucky guy!
Spanky: Damn, Hero! You REALLY got into that roleplaying we did!
Hero: Who's talking about the roleplaying? Toot and I slept together LOTS of times before that!
All activity in the room suddenly ceases. The expressions freeze on everyone's face. After a moment, Spanky gathers himself. Toot rolls her eyes and sighs.
Spanky: (reaching into the clothes pile beside himself) Okay, everyone. Get all your clothes back on. The game's over. (The others begin to get dressed again. Spanky looks at Hero.) Hero... you've got some explaining to do.
Hero: I know, Spanky. Flashback episode.
Spanky: That's right!
Hero looks down, slightly embarrassed. Toot sighs in frustration. However, the scene does not fade. Spanky looks in Foxxy's direction.
Spanky: Um, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Yeah, Spanky?
Spanky: Why haven't you put your clothes back on yet?
We see that although everyone else is now fully dressed again, Foxxy is still naked. She casts a glance to her right. The camera pans to her right to reveal Hero still wearing her outfit. Hero shrugs. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene returns to the living room. All of the housemates are gathered around Toot and Hero, who are now sitting on the couch. Foxxy is now wearing Captain Hero's outfit.
Foxxy: All right, Hero. So what happened? How'd you come to sleep with Toot?
Spanky: Let me guess. It was late, you'd been drinking, your inhibitions were a little low, something like that?
Hero: Well... not exactly.
Cut to a large fairground. Hero and Toot are walking around looking at the attractions. Toot has a giant stick of cotton candy in her hand. Hero is as excited as a child.
Hero: Ooh, so what do you want to do now, Toot? You want to do the dunk tunk again?
Toot: No... I think by now Ryan Seacrest is as wet as we can possibly make him.
Hero: Well, let's do one of the games here, then! I promised my girlfriend, Angelina Jolie, that I would win her a prize today!
Toot: So how are you going to pull that one off? Everyone knows you suck at any type of sports related game!
Hero: You're right. If only there was some kind of contest here that would make use of my unique skills. Hmm... The two suddenly stop in front of a sign. The sign says "Contest! Prize- a large stuffed donkey! Proceeds go to help orphans or something." Ooh, a stuffed donkey! I've always wanted one of those! I mean, my girlfriend, Angelina Jolie, always wanted one of those! I must win it for her! (He turns to the man inside the booth.) Excuse me, sir. What kind of contest is this you are running here? Please tell me it's a contest for some skill I possess!
Man: I highly doubt it, sir. It's a having sex contest.
Hero: It is? (He looks at Toot.) Why... I know how to have sex!
Man: That's very good, then, sir! I'll go ahead and sign you up and you can go on into the arena and get started!
Hero: Wait! Before I have this sex, I must first go home and get my girlfriend, Angelina Jolie, so that she may have the sex with me!
Man: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have time for that. You see, there is only one spot left, and if you leave, the man standing behind you will surely sign up in your place and you'll be left out!
Hero turns around. Behind him stands a random stranger in bondage gear.
Stranger: Hiya. (Hero turns back around.)
Man: I'm afraid if you want to participate in the sex contest and win that stuffed donkey, you'll have to have sex with someone you already have right here with you.
Hero: But the only person I have with me is Toot!
Man: Do you want that stuffed donkey or not?
Hero: I do! But I don't know if I want it *that* badly...
Toot: (pleadingly) But Hero, if you don't win the contest, all those kids at the orphanage will die from their diseases! You *have* to win, Hero! I'm sure Angelina will understand.
Hero: So be it. If it takes having sex with Toot to save all those kids at the orphanage, then I'll have sex with Toot!
Man: I thought you'd see it my way! (He steps out from behind the counter.) Here, sir. You two just follow me into the arena. (The three start to walk into the arena. The man stops and gestures to his right.) Oh, by the way, sir, you'll find the bondage gear in the closet to the right.
Hero: That's okay. I brought my own! (The three walk into the arena.)
The scene suddenly changes back to the present. Everyone is staring at Hero again.
Hero: So you see? I *had* to have sex with Toot! To save the diseased orphans!
Spanky: Rrrrrrrright.
Foxxy: Uh, Hero? Not to doubt your veracity, but uh... I think we'd better let Toot tell this one.
Hero: All right.
Toot: You guys, there's nothing to tell! Hero and I had sex a few times several years ago. That's it! It's really no big deal!
Clara: If it's such a big deal, why didn't you tell anybody? I mean, after you had sex with Xandir, you were broadcasting it to the world! In fact, after you have sex with ANYBODY, you pretty much broadcast it to the world.
Hero: Toot... don't tell me you were ashamed of me!
Toot: Of course not, Hero! You were great! I guess I didn't tell because I was afraid it would cause some awkwardness with the rest of the house!
Foxxy: Awkwardness? Why would there be awkwardness? It ain't like none of us ever slept with anyone else in this house before! What makes this thing with you and Captain Hero any different? (Toot looks away from Foxxy. She does not answer.) Toot... it WAS just sex, right? (Toot remains silent.) Right? (Toot looks down, embarrassed.) I think you'd better spill it, Toot.
Toot: You're right, Foxxy. It was just sex. That's all.
Foxxy: Too late.
Toot: (takes a deep breath) Fine. I'll tell. I'm not really sure why it's so important, but I'll tell. (Her flashback begins. We see the exterior of her cabin at Camp Really Fat David.) I guess it all started right after I'd just finished having sex with Xandir.
Toot: So does this mean we're a couple?
Xandir: No, uh, hello, I'm gay!
Toot: But if you weren't?
Xandir: Oh, Toot... of course not! But I'm your friend and I care about you! So I tossed you a mercy fuck!
Toot: I'll take that!
Toot promptly jumps on Xandir again and begins singing "A Moment Like This". At that moment, just as in the show, the door to her cabin suddenly opens.
Blue Albert: Hey, hey, hey, guys! Toot's getting laid!
Big Lotta: Toot found a thin mint who'll bang double stuffs? Charge!!!
The campers all proceed to doff their clothes and jump on Xandir.
Xandir: Heeeeeeeeelp!
Toot: Hey, excuse me! Do you guys mind? I'm trying to have sex here! (The campers ignore her.) Hey, I was here first! (The campers continue to ignore Toot and proceed to manhandle Xandir. As Xandir screams in fear, Toot is knocked off the bed.) Oh, forget it! (Irritated, Toot walks over to the corner of the room. She is alone; all other attention is on Xandir.) Goddammit! This isn't fair! I finally get lucky and those assholes have to jump right in and take it away from me! (She turns back toward the group.) Oh, big accomplishment, you guys! Banging a gay guy just because he's too big a puss to put up any resistance! (Suddenly, she becomes troubled. She turns back around.) Wait a minute. Is that... is that what *I* just did? (She puts her hand to her face, completely crestfallen.)
Cut to a shot of Toot sometime later. She is back at the Drawn Together house. She sits at the kitchen table, thoroughly depressed.
Toot: (voiceover) That was when it hit me just how horrible my life really was. I was so desperate for acceptance that I had to force a guy I didn't even love to have sex with me. I thought a good romp in the sack would make me feel better... but it didn't.
Toot continues to sit depressed for a moment. Clara and Foxxy walk in and look at her.
Clara: Wow. She is STILL down.
Foxxy: She's hardly said a word in three days.
Clara: (walking over to Toot) Toot? Do you want to talk about it?
Toot: There's nothing to talk about, Clara. My life is a miserable, depressing mess. End of story.
Clara: Well, it can't be TOO bad this time. At least you're not cutting yourself!
Toot: I can't even get up the energy to cut myself anymore. I mean, what's the point?
Clara: Wow. Maybe you should talk to Wooldoor about this. You know, as a psychiatrist.
Toot: Nah. He'd probably just reassure me that I'm a beautiful person and I'd start getting my hopes up again and then I'd go back out in the world to find that my life is still the same meaningless pile of crap it always was!
Clara: I... I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
Toot: You don't have to respond, Clara. It's not your job to fix what's wrong with me. Thanks for trying, though.
Clara: Well, if you need to talk, you know where we are.
Toot: I know. Thanks.
Clara and Foxxy turn and walk out. On the way out, they pass Hero.
Hero: Hey, guys. Toot still moping around about what happened?
Clara: Yeah.
Hero: I know how she feels. I'd feel the same way if *I* had just had sex with Xandir! I'll go talk to her.
Foxxy: Hero? (She gently grabs his arm.) Maybe you'd better not say anything. Toot's pretty fragile right now. If you're not careful, you could end up just making things worse.
Hero: I'll be careful, Foxxy.
Foxxy nods and lets go of Hero's arm. She and Clara turn and leave. Hero goes into the kitchen. He walks over to the refrigerator and begins looking through it. Without turning around, Toot begins talking to him.
Toot: If you've come to cheer me up, it won't work.
Hero: Oh, don't worry, Toot, I'm not! In fact, I have no intention of trying to cheer you up at all! (Toot's brow wrinkles.)
Toot: (sarcastically) Thanks!
Hero: Oh, Toot, that's not what I meant! What I meant was- dammit, I blew it already!
Toot: Forget it. It's not your fault.
Hero: I know! It's Xandir's fault! (His face lights up.) Hey! Why don't I get him back for you?
Toot: (beginning to perk up) Revenge on Xandir? Hmmm... well, that WOULD make me feel better temporarily! (Her excitement begins to dwindle.) Of course, after we got finished exacting this petty, petty revenge, I'd still be left with the same issues I had before.
Hero: What issues would those be?
Toot: The fact that I'm completely undesirable and no guy in his right mind would ever want to have sex with me.
Hero: Toot, that's nonsense! You're not undesirable at all!
Toot: Yeah, right. If I'm not undesirable, then how come the guys puke whenever they see my naked boobs?
Hero: Because they're lactose intolerant?
Toot: I know how it is, Hero. They all think I'm fat and ugly. I hear the way they tease me!
Hero: Okay, maybe the guys tease you about being fat and ugly. But you know what? I'd bang you!
Toot's brow wrinkles. She turns around, uncertain as to whether to believe Hero.
Toot: Really?
Hero: Oh yeah! In fact, I wouldn't mind ripping that little skirt and those stockings right off you and doing you right here!
Toot's face starts to light up, but at the last moment, she hesitates.
Toot: Wait a minute, Hero. This doesn't make sense. If you're so hot for me, how come you never tried to sleep with me before now?
Hero: Well, you know... it's just that the guys tease you and all... I've got a reputation to maintain!
Toot: So you're serious? You honestly find me attractive?
Hero: Well... I mean, you're not a knockout or anything. But you're attractive enough to have a romp in the sack with!
Toot: Well, that's not *quite* the compliment I was hoping for... but it *is* a step up from what I usually get. (She pauses and looks at Hero for a moment, then turns around.) Hero, at fat camp, Xandir and I were in this exact same position. I was feeling all sorry for myself, and he tried to convince me that I was attractive by sleeping with me. That's not what's happening here, is it?
Hero: Of course not! I really find you attractive! (Toot turns back around and faces Hero again.)
Toot: You're not just gonna toss me a mercy screw, are you?
Hero: Hey, Captain Hero don't do mercy screws! If I bang a chick, it's because I *want* to!
Toot: Well, you do sound SLIGHTLY more convincing than Xandir did... of course, it's kind of hard to believe that a guy likes you when he has to be FORCED have sex with you!
Hero: Well, Toot, there's one big difference between this situation and the one you had with Xandir.
Toot: What?
Hero: Xandir didn't do THIS!
With one swift motion, Hero reaches one arm out and pins Toot against the kitchen counter. With his other arm, he proceeds to rip off her skirt and her stockings. Toot grabs Hero by the collar, simultaneously kicking her shoes off. Embracing in a mad fit of passion, the two get down on the floor. The camera view blocked by the kitchen counter, the two begin to have sex.
Hero: NOW do you believe me?
Toot: Okay, I think you're starting to sway me!
The scene fades. Cut to Hero's bedroom. Hero and Toot are sitting up in bed.
Hero: So was I better than Xandir?
Toot: Juuuuuuust a little bit. (She takes a deep breath.) Wow!
Hero: I know!
Toot: I cannot believe that I just had sex with Captain Hero!
Hero: Neither can I! Well, actually, I didn't have sex with Captain Hero, you did. But you know what I meant.
Toot: Yeah.
Hero: Wait... we were having sex in the kitchen. How did we end up in bed?
Toot: We finished the kitchen sex and then came upstairs and had bed sex.
Hero: Ah, right.
They pause for a moment. Toot takes a deep breath.
Toot: So... what now?
Hero: What do you mean? (Toot turns to Hero.)
Toot: Captain Hero, you and I just had sex!
Hero: I know!
Toot: Well... doesn't this mean things are different between us?
Hero: Why should it?
Toot looks troubled for a moment. Then she sighs.
Toot: Oh... no reason.
Hero: (noticing Toot's reaction) Toot... ARE things different?
Toot: I don't know. I feel like they are.
Hero: Well, Toot, I sleep with women all the time. Most of the time, it doesn't mean anything. Nothing changes between us.
Toot: Right.
Hero: But then, a lot of those women I never see again. And I wasn't friends with them first.
Toot: I think that's the problem.
Hero: What do you mean?
Toot: The two of us were friends first, and now we've slept together. We've gone from thinking about each other in a non-sexual way to thinking about each other in a sexual way.
Hero: Is that bad?
Toot: I don't know. (She thinks for a moment.) Not necessarily.
Hero: Right.
Toot: But now that we HAVE... I'm not sure where to take it from here. I mean... are we in love with each other?
Hero: I haven't really thought about it.
Toot: Should we date?
Hero: Date? I don't know. (He pauses, then turns to her.) Do you want to date?
Toot: I don't know.
Hero: Toot, I've always known I'd like to sleep with you... I never thought about whether I'd like us to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Toot: Boyfriend and girlfriend... wow. (She turns to Hero.) Hero, you're nice. (He smiles.) But I'm not sure if I like you like that.
Hero: Maybe you're right. Maybe it would be too awkward.
Toot: You know, if we really had the chemistry to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I don't think we'd be having to question it like this.
Hero: Yeah.
Toot: So... I think it would be best if we just got dressed, went downstairs, and acted like none of this ever happened.
Hero: You're right.
Toot: We'll treat our romp in the sack as a special one-time event that will never happen again.
Hero: Right. (Toot gets up and starts to get dressed. Hero suddenly becomes alarmed.) Wait! (Toot stops.) Never happen again? (Toot nods.) You mean... we can't even sleep together anymore, ever?
Toot: Well, maybe not EVER... I just mean- (she suddenly realizes). Wait a minute- you... you actually want to sleep with me again?
Hero: Well, yeah!
Toot: (becoming happy) You mean you... you actually liked having sex with me?
Hero: Yes, I thought I had made that clear.
Toot: Oh, my God, I was worried maybe you were just being polite! But you... you actually find me attractive! (Gleefully, she jumps on the bed and hugs Hero.) Oh, Hero! You love me! (Hero suddenly pulls away.)
Hero: Whoooooooa! I didn't say THAT! (Toot's expression becomes cynical again.)
Toot: Oh, goddammit, so you WERE just being polite! I should have known!
Hero: Hey, I was being honest! I like you as a friend and as a sex partner! Just not as a girlfriend!
Toot: Well, maybe if you gave me half a chance, you'd find I'm a pretty decent girlfriend, too!
Hero: Don't nag me, woman!
Toot: Oh, goddammit, could you not call me "woman"? My name is Toot, goddammit!
Hero: I know what your name is! Don't insult my intelligence!
Toot: Well, I'm only insulting it because you're too stupid to realize- (Suddenly they both stop.) You know what, Hero? I think you're right. We'd never work as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Hero: Yeah.
Toot: Hero, I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were just being honest. (Toot sits back down on the bed.) So you really like me as a friend?
Hero: I do.
Toot: And you really like having sex with me?
Hero: I do!
Toot: Well, then... maybe we could do this. Have you ever heard of a thing called "friends with benefits"?
Hero: You mean like Blue Cross?
Toot: No... I mean, you and I are friends. Well, we'll just keep being friends. Friends who just happen to have sex every so often.
Hero: So... no relationship? No strings? Just sex?
Toot: Just sex.
Hero: I think I can handle that!
Toot: Yeah. I don't see why it can't work.
Hero: So as soon as we walk out of this room, we go back to being just friends. Friends who just happen to have sex with each other.
Toot: Wait a minute, Hero. I have a problem with that.
Hero: With the friends having sex part?
Toot: No, with the "waiting till we walk out of this room" part!
Immediately, Toot throws off what little clothing she had on and jumps back in bed with Hero. The two proceed to have wild, animal sex.
Toot: Ooh! You have a padded headboard! Nice planning!
Hero: I know my tendencies.
Toot: (as the two continue to have sex) By the way, Hero, I don't think we should let anyone else in the house know we're doing this.
Hero: Why not? Are you worried it'll make things awkward?
Toot: No, I just think the danger of getting caught makes the sex really hot!
Hero: Oh, okay.
Toot: Although you do have a point... who knows how the others might react?
Hero: Yeah... and Clara would freak if she found out we did it on her bed!
Toot: (stops having sex) Hero, we haven't done it on Clara's bed.
Hero grins at her. Cut to the two of them having sex on Clara's bed.
Toot: Oh, yes! Oh, God, yes!
Hero: We'll do it on Wooldoor's bed next!
Cut back to the present.
Clara: Oh, my God! You two had sex on my bed?
Hero: Well, SOMEBODY should!
Clara: Oh, my God! That is so disgusting!
Hero: We had sex on EVERYONE'S bed at some point!
Toot: Also the laundry room, the pool, the hot tub, the ball pit, the pool table-
Hero: The M.C. Escher room.
Clara: I don't know if I can handle this!
Ling-Ling: Oh, come on, Carla. What the big deal? So big humans have sex on Carla sleeping place. So what?
Toot: Oh, Ling-Ling, you know your little basket where you take your naps? (He nods.) We've done it there.
Ling-Ling: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Clara: (trying to move the conversation along) So anyway...
Toot: Right. Anyway, at first, trying to maintain our secrecy was veeeeeeery tricky.
The flashback resumes. It is some time later. Hero sits on Foxxy's bed, now fully dressed, while Toot, back in her usual dress, stands to the left of her own bed, making it up.
Hero: What are you doing?
Toot: Duh! I'm making the bed!
Hero: Why?
Toot: Because! Foxxy and Clara know my bed was made this morning- if they come in and find it all messed up, they'll suspect something's up!
Hero: Oh, right.
At that moment, we hear the sounds of shoes approaching.
Toot: Someone's coming! Quick, hide! (Hero starts to hide under Foxxy's bed, but we see that there are too many sex toys underneath it. Toot scowls at him.) Under here, dillhole! (She points to her own bed. Hero quickly ducks underneath it. The door opens. Clara enters.) Hey, Clara!
Clara: Hey, Toot. Um, Toot... is there something going on? (Toot remains calm.)
Toot: Of course not, Clara. Why do you ask?
Clara: Because I found these downstairs. (She holds out Toot's shoes and stockings. A look of panic crosses Toot's face. The camera cuts to a shot of Toot behind the bed. We see that her legs and feet are both bare.)
Toot: Um... well... because, Clara! (She hops up on the bed and begins twirling her foot around.) I just find footwear soooooo confining! Don't you?
Clara: (skeptical) Confining?
Toot: That's right. My feet must have their freedom!
Clara: Says the girl who wears shoes at the pool.
Toot: Hey, I only wore shoes at the pool that one time! And that was because I forgot to clip my toenails that day!
Clara: You hadn't shaved your legs that day either and yet you didn't seem to be too self-conscious about showing THEM off.
Toot: (slyly) You checking out my legs?
Clara: Let's not do this.
Toot: Fine. But anyway, my feet look great today, and I just felt like showing them off!
Clara: A realization you suddenly came to, while shod, in the middle of the living room.
Toot: Hey, enough with the third degree! It's a hot day and I just felt like going barefoot! End of story!
Clara: Okay, Toot. If you say so, I believe you.
Toot: Thanks, Clara.
Clara: I guess you have a point. Shoes ARE kind of confining. And besides, we're at home, why do we even need to wear shoes around the house, anyway? (She kicks her shoes off.)
Toot: There you go!
Hero: (from under the bed, attempting to imitate Toot's voice) Hey, Clara? This is Toot! Hey, Clara, don't you also find wearing a dress very confining? Why don't we both take our dresses off and walk around naked? It'll be fun! (Toot swings her legs over the side of the bed and delivers a swift kick to Hero.) Ow.
Clara: What was that?
Toot: Probably that offstage voice again. You know, the one who insults us from offscreen?
Clara: Oh, yeah. You know, one of these days I'm going to call security on that guy. (Toot nods.)
Toot: (voiceover) But after a while, we got much better at hiding.
Cut to the pool area. Clara and Foxxy lounge in their swimsuits while Wooldoor sits off to the side practicing the sex moves Hero was demonstrating in "Captain Girl". Clara looks up.
Clara: Do you feel something?
The camera changes to a side view of Clara's chair. We see Hero and Toot busy having sex underneath it, not making a sound.
Foxxy: We's probably having an earthquake.
Clara: Yeah, that's probably it. (She returns to her magazine.)
The scene changes to another scene in the living room. Spanky and Wooldoor both wear togas. Spanky holds a knife.
Spanky: No, no, no! First we massacre all the convicts with a giant chopping machine, THEN we have a wild sex orgy!
Wooldoor: Spanky, I'm not sure this is what happens in <i>Julius Caesar</i>.
Spanky: You don't believe me? Fine, we'll check the script. I think I left it in the closet. (The two walk over to the closet. Spanky sees Toot standing amongst the coats.) Toot? What the hell are you doing here?
Toot: I was whining about the Wienermobile again, so Foxxy locked me up in here.
Spanky: Ah. Okay, cool. Wait- that episode hasn't even happened yet!
Toot: Yeah, it has! They just showed it wayyyyyyyy out of order!
Spanky: Oh. Okay.
Spanky closes the door. Hero's head pops up behind Toot, grinning widely. Toot turns around. They embrace and kiss passionately, then resume having sex. The scene changes to the girls' room. Hero and Toot are both naked and having sex on Foxxy's bed. Foxxy walks in.
Foxxy: Boy, am I tired! I could sure go for a nap on my own bed right now- oh, my God! (She looks down at Toot's bed and picks up a magazine.) Denzel!!! (The shot changes to a close-up of the magazine. It features a picture of a topless Denzel Washington. The title is "Naked Denzel Pictures Monthly".) Foxxy sits down on Toot's bed and begins flipping through the magazine while Hero and Toot continue to have sex.) Mmm, mmm, mmm. That Denzel got a vurrrrrrrry fine body!
Hero and Toot continue to have sex while Foxxy continues to look at the magazine as the camera pulls out. The scene changes to all of the housemates minus Toot and Hero in the living room watching TV.
Announcer: (on TV) And coming up next, it's Jeff Foxworthy starring in "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"!
Spanky: Hey, Xandir! Are YOU smarter than a fifth grader?
Xandir: Which one? (Spanky sighs and changes the channel.)
Announcer: (on TV) Now stay tuned for "A&E Biography: Excludie!".
Excludie bursts onto the scene.
Excludie: Yay! I love this show! (Spanky looks at Excludie.)
Spanky: (angrily) Excludie...
Excludie: (sighing) I know. Back to my box.
Dejected, Excludie turns around and walks back to his box. He walks into the box only to be greeted by a very angry voice.
Toot: (voice) Hey! Do you mind? We're trying to have sex in here!
Hero: (voice) Yeah!
Excludie walks back out of the box and walks off dejected. Toot and Hero resume having sex. The box begins to shake vigorously.
Toot: (voiceover, as the camera lingers on a shot of Excludie's box) Eventually, however, our plan began to backfire. We got to be SO good at hiding that the challenge went away. And once the challenge went away...
Cut to Spanky's room. Hero and Toot are having sex on Spanky's bed. Spanky sits at his computer looking at porn. A sign next to the computer reads, "Free porn! But you have to keep looking at the porn. If you dare turn your head and look away from the porn, the porn will go away. So don't even think about looking in a direction other than at the porn. Oh, yeah, and don't listen to any sounds in the room, either."
Hero: (with Toot on top of him) Oh, yeah! Ride that pony! (He looks at her.) Um, that's me, by the way. I'm the pony.
Toot: Yes.
Hero: You're supposed to ride me.
Toot: Yes, I know.
Hero: Just checking. Sometimes women get confused by things-
Toot: Blah, blah, blah, can we just get back to having sex?
Hero: Sure, sure.
As Spanky continues to be entranced by the images on his computer, Hero and Toot resume having sex.
Toot: (without stopping) Oh, Hero, I saw that movie you were telling me about! It was pretty good!
Hero: I know! I cried when he finally found his car!
Toot: Me too! So where do you want to do it tomorrow?
Hero: How about your mom's house?
Toot: No, way, it's too dangerous!
Hero: I thought (he begins thrusting more vigorously) you liked the danger!
Toot: (continuing her dialogue while moaning and breathing heavily) I do! It's just that- (Hero thrusts some more. Toot takes several very deep breaths.) -my mom is really into those Anne Geddes pictures, and if I happen to see one while we're doing it, it'll kill the mood!
Hero: (continuing to thrust) Because you're worried about becoming pregnant?
Toot: (continuing to breathe heavily) No, because I just find those pictures really creepy!
Hero: Oh, yeah. Me too.
Toot: (now more actively moving her body up and down on his member) Although we probably SHOULD go over there at some point. I'm sure my parents would like to meet you!
Hero: Oh, that sounds nice! Then after that, we can stop over by my parents' place, and we can- (Suddenly, they stop.) Oh, my God! What the hell are we doing?
Toot: Are we actually talking about meeting each other's parents?
Hero: We are! Good God- what happened to us? (Toot gets off Hero.) Are we... are we a couple now?
Toot: I don't know. I think we might be!
Hero: How did that happen? I thought we were just supposed to be friends with benefits!
Toot: So did I! (She pauses for a moment.) I guess... after the initial rush went away... and we started getting more accustomed to each other... we kind of settled into "relationship" mode without even realizing it!
Hero: So what do we do about it?
Toot: I don't know. (She thinks for a moment.) Hero, I'm getting a little uncomfortable about this.
Hero: Me, too.
Toot: Perhaps we'd better stop. (Hero looks down, slightly disappointed.) Maybe it would be better if we just went back to the way we were.
Hero: I think you might be right. (He sighs.) Dammit! (Toot turns around, surprised.)
Toot: Hero? Did you... did you just curse?
Hero: Yeah! What's the big deal? You use profanity all the time!
Toot: That's not what I mean. (She looks directly into Hero's eyes.) Hero... do you have... feelings... for me?
Hero: No! Of course not!
Toot: Okay. Good. Cause we're just friends with benefits. Or we were.
Hero: Right. (He sighs.) Oh, well, it was a good run.
Toot: Yeah, it was.
Hero: (starting to get up) I think I'll go talk to Foxxy.
Toot: Oh, yeah? What about?
Hero: About having sex with her. You know, I think this whole "friends with benefits" thing might be right up her alley! (Toot immediately becomes angry.)
Toot: (grabbing Hero by the chest hair) The hell you will!
Hero: What? What'd I do?
Toot: Captain Hero, how dare you even think about having sex with Foxxy right now! You are MINE! MINE, you got that? MINE!!!
Hero: I'm yours?
Toot: (letting go of Hero) Um... I mean...
Hero: So we ARE a couple! I knew it!
Toot: Dammit, I knew this would happen! (She sighs deeply, then turns around.) I should have known this wouldn't work. That sooner or later emotion would rear its ugly head. (She sighs again, then turns back around to Hero.) Hero, how do you feel about us? Honestly?
Hero: I don't know. I mean, I do like you as a friend. Truly I do. And I don't *think* I like you as a romantic partner. Yet somehow... I just can't seem to want to let you go.
Toot: I know. I feel the same way. (They pause for a moment. Toot sits at the foot of the bed.) Well... maybe we should try it.
Hero: Try what?
Toot: Try dating.
Hero: I thought we agreed that wouldn't work out.
Toot: I know, we did. But there's obviously SOMETHING going on between us. I think we owe it to ourselves to find out what it is.
Hero: Then so be it. We'll... date.
Toot: (getting up off the bed) I'll go get dressed. Then later on, we'll maybe go out somewhere and we'll see where it goes.
Hero: Sounds good to me!
Toot: And who knows? Maybe if we give things an honest try, they might actually lead somewhere wonderful!
Hero: Yeah! Who knows?
Toot: Then it's settled. I'll see you this evening, Hero.
Hero: It's a date!
They both get up and walk out of the room. As they close the door behind them, Spanky suddenly turns.
Spanky: Was someone just in here? (Suddenly he becomes fearful.) Oh! The porn! (He turns back to the computer.) Please don't go away, porn! (He sees that the porn is still there. He breathes a sigh of relief. The scene fades. The camera fades back up on a long shot of the restaurant.)
Toot: (voiceover) Things DID end up leading somewhere with Hero. But somewhere wonderful? Not quite.
Cut to the interior of the restaurant. Toot and Hero are sitting at the table, their menus in front of them.
Toot: And that's why Sarah Jessica Parker has a restraining order on me!
Hero: If you ask me, it was an honest mistake! It could have happened to anybody!
Toot: I know! (She pauses for a moment.) You know, Hero, this is actually kind of fun. I think we might actually be bonding!
Hero: I feel the same way! (He looks at her.) I bet it wasn't like this with Xandir, was it?
Toot: Oh, God, no! You know, for a gay guy, he's surprisingly poor at dinner conversation.
Hero: Unless you enjoy talking about boy bands or butt sex.
Toot: Um, yeah.
Hero: So what exactly happened between you two at fat camp? I never did get the full story.
Toot: Oh, I was feeling sorry for myself, saying I was unattractive, and he was trying to be all chivalrous, saying, "No, you're not", and all that. Of course, it would have sounded more convincing if he hadn't stuttered and stammered and acted all traumatized the whole time. You know, I wish he had just told me the truth. I think it would have been better for my psyche in the long run.
Hero: Oh, he was probably just worried you'd get mad and go all psycho on him.
Toot: Psycho? What do you mean?
Hero: You know, that thing you do where you totally flip out and start threatening people?
Toot: Well, is it my fault that people piss me off? I mean, come on, Hero, it's not like YOU never have a tantrum about anything! Remember what happened with Super Nanny?
Hero: Well, I only got mad because you stole my barrette!
Toot: Well, can you blame me? What's a grown man doing wearing a barrette anyway? Now this- (she begins patting her hair)- this is the kind of hair that deserves to be accessorized!
Hero: My hair is better than your hair!
Toot: No, it isn't!
Hero: Yes, it is!
Toot: Girls' hair rules! Guys' hair drools!
Hero: That doesn't even make sense!
Toot: It does if you have an IQ above 50!
Hero: My IQ is *53*, thank you very much!
Toot: So now you're bragging about being stupid? What a retard!
Hero: Well, I must be stupid to date YOU, mustn't I? (Toot glares at Hero for a moment. Tears start to form in her eyes. Her angry look quickly changes to one of sadness. She looks down. Hero's mood changes.) Toot, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Toot: Well, if you didn't mean it, then why did you say it?
Hero: I just let my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry.
Toot: Yeah. I guess I'm sorry, too.
Hero: Why don't you just calm down and we'll try this again. Okay?
Toot: Calm down? Why do I need to calm down? So you're saying that my problems don't mean anything? All that matters is that I'm being emotional? Is that what you mean? I'm just an emotional, hysterical woman who just needs to shut up? Is that it?
Hero: No, Toot, that's not what I mean at all! (He pauses.) You're right. I'm sorry, Toot. I didn't mean to sound like I was belittling you. I apologize.
Toot: Thank you.
Hero: Boy, this date has gotten off onto a bad tangent.
Toot: It sure has. (She pauses for a moment, then looks back at Hero.) Maybe you're right, Hero. Maybe we just need to calm ourselves and then try again. Sound good?
Hero: Sounds good.
Toot: (picking her menu back up) So what looks good to you, Hero? I'm kind of leaning toward the barbecued pork, myself.
Hero: Really? You eat pork?
Toot: (confused) Yes... why shouldn't I eat pork?
Hero: Well, it's just that you're Jewish, right? Pork isn't kosher!
Toot: So? Geez, Hero! Just because I was born into this stupid religion doesn't mean I have to follow a bunch of arbitrary rules that don't make any goddamn sense!
Hero: Stupid religion? Excuse me, missy, but Judaism is not a stupid religion! And these rules are not arbitrary! I'm sure that God has a very good reason for telling us it's okay to eat cows and chickens but not pigs or shellfish!
Toot: And since when are YOU such a devoted little Jew anyway? You know, Judaism also has rules against killing and stealing, but you don't seem too bothered about keeping THOSE, do you?
Hero: Hey, I don't steal! I told you, bitch, that was MY barrette!
Toot: Oh, goddammit, are we back on the stupid barrette again? (She begins to get so frustrated she can hardly speak.) Just... just shut the hell up, Hero, before I'm forced to strangle you!
Hero: (becomes aroused) Strangle me, eh? (He grins.) So you like autoerotic asphyxiation, eh?
Toot: Goddammit, Hero, this is not the time! (Toot turns away. Her hands are gripped in a strangulation position. She is shaking with anger, just barely able to speak.) I am TRYING to have a serious discussion with you and all you can think about is screwing! Do you know how insulting that is to me?
Hero: Well, can you blame me? Screwing is all we ever do!
Toot's eyes start to glaze over with rage. Hero watches her intently, trying to figure out whether she is going to flip. He begins to get nervous. Toot grabs a fork and turns around. She points it threateningly at Hero. A look of panic crosses his face. However, after a moment, she sighs and puts the fork back down. Her fury subsiding, she sits back down in her seat.
Toot: You're right, Hero. Screwing is all we ever do. (She sighs.)
Hero: Toot, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
Toot: It's not your fault. It's mine. (She sighs again.) Once again... I had to let stupid feelings get in the way.
Hero: No. No, Toot, that's not true. (Confused, Toot turns and looks at Hero.) Feelings aren't stupid. Feelings are good things. I mean, sure, they mess us up sometimes and make us do all kinds of harmful things to ourselves. But having emotion is what being human is all about. It's just part of life.
Toot: Well, yeah... (She looks somber for a moment.) Maybe you're right, Hero. Maybe I just take things too far. Perhaps if I can just learn to calm down and control my emotions better, I might do a better job of being your girlfriend.
Hero: (thinking for a moment) No. (Toot looks at Hero confused again.) No, Toot. You don't need to change yourself for me. You shouldn't have to change yourself for any guy.
Toot: (sarcastically) Thanks, Dr. Phil!
Hero: Just hear me out. Toot, you are the most spirited, passionate woman I have ever known. And maybe it makes things hard for you sometimes, but deep down I think you like being that way. And you shouldn't have to change that. It's who you are! (Toot looks at Hero, but says nothing.) So instead of trying to tone down your feisty side so you can be with me... maybe you need to dump my sorry ass and find yourself a guy who LIKES women with some fire in them!
Toot: (starting to lighten up) Yeah. You're right. I shouldn't have to change who I am at all! Maybe I am too passionate... but you know what? I *like* being that way! It's who I am!
Hero: That's right!
Toot: And I do deserve a guy who'll appreciate me the way I am!
Hero: You sure do!
Toot: So, Hero... (She turns to Hero and gently puts her hand on his hand.) I'm sorry to have to do this, but... I'm breaking up with you.
Hero: You bet you are!
Both Hero and Toot smile sweetly. Toot takes her hand off Hero's. The two resume their positions.
Hero: Wow... I can't believe I just got dumped by Toot!
Toot: You did!
Hero: I bet I'm the hottest guy you've ever dumped!
Toot: You are! (Hero beams.) Of course, you should know that essentially just means you're hotter than Manny the Wino who lives under the bridge.
Hero: You dated Manny the Wino?
Toot: Hey, you know how guys who smell like gin turn me on!
Hero: Right. (They resume looking at their menus.) Hey, I just thought of something. After you and Xandir had sex... did he specifically tell you he didn't want to sleep with you anymore?
Toot: Well, no...
Hero: So technically, you dumped him too!
Toot: (beginning to smile again) Hey, you're right, I did! (She continues to smile.) Wow... so that makes TWO housemates I've slept with... and subsequently dumped! (She thinks for a moment.) I think I'll go after Spanky next.
Hero: Toot, you are such a little heartbreaker!
Toot: (giggling) I am, aren't I? (They both sigh yet again. They pause for a moment.)
Hero: (finally breaking the silence) Wow. Would you look at this? I guess the two of us ended up bonding after all!
Toot: I guess we did.
Hero: So... you want to go back to trying to date? (Toot looks at Hero.) Back to being friends with benefits? (Toot gives Hero a "you serious?" look.) Back to being just friends who occasionally see each other naked?
Toot: Yeah. I think that would be best.
Hero: Sounds good! (The two go back to looking at their menus. After a moment, Hero puts his menu down.) So are you sorry we did this?
Toot: Did what?
Hero: This whole affair. Are you sorry we slept together?
Toot: Oh, not at all! I mean, maybe it didn't work out in the end, but it was good while it lasted. I definitely think I'm better off for having the experience. (She pauses.) And I think it did wonders for my self-esteem!
Hero: Really?
Toot: Yeah. It was just what I needed after that whole fiasco with Xandir!
Hero: Right.
Toot: You know, I know it's petty of me, but... I still can't help but be a little mad at him. I mean, the nerve of him, to toss me a mercy screw and then right afterward tell me that's what he did! I mean, geez... was that supposed to make me feel better about myself? Well, it didn't! All it made me feel was, I'm such a loser that a GAY guy tossed me a mercy screw!
Hero: You know... if you're still mad at Xandir about that whole mess... I think I can help get him back for you!
Toot: (becoming eager) Really? (She grins evilly.) What do you have in mind?
Hero: Between you and me, I think Xandir has a crush on me. Well, I'll lead Xandir on and make him fall in love with me... and then I'll just start messing with him!
Toot: Oh, come on, Hero! You really think that will work?
Hero: Oh, don't worry, I can totally sell it! I'll just make up some crap about how I'm "exploring my gay side". (He begins using a more feminine voice.) "It's not me, Xandir- it's my other personality! Um... Tim... Tommerson! Yeah, that's it! My friend Tim Tommerson!". Come on, Xandir is totally gullible! He'll believe anything!
Toot laughs. Hero smiles at her. He places his hand on hers. The two smile at each other. From behind them, we hear someone's throat clearing. They turn.
Waiter: (very impatient) So... are you guys ever going to order?
Toot and Hero nod and pick up their menus. The scene fades back to the present.
Toot: And that's what happened. Honestly.
Spanky: Wait. So you two were hot and heavy for the better part of a week and none of the rest of us knew anything about it?
Toot: Like I said- we got really good at hiding!
Clara: Wait- you two slept together again a couple of weeks later when we did the afterschool special. How did-
Toot: Bonus night!
Clara: Ah. Of course.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero, is your IQ really 53? That seems pretty low.
Hero: Well, between you and me, Wooldoor, I think the fact that I was completely wasted when I took the test might have skewed the results.
Wooldoor: Gee, you think?
Toot: (turning to Marty) I hope you're not mad, Marty.
Marty: Mad? Why would I be mad? You had an affair with Hero, it didn't work out. It happens.
Toot: I know. I'm just sorry I never told you.
Marty: Don't worry, Toot. I know you weren't trying to keep it a secret from me. You'd have told me if you'd felt it was important.
Toot: Thanks for understanding.
Marty: And Hero was right. You DID eventually find a guy who likes your fiery side!
Toot: (smiling) I did, didn't I?
Toot and Marty embrace and begin to kiss.
Toot: (pulling back from the kiss, but still embracing Marty and looking into his eyes) So what are we, Marty? Just friends? Friends with benefits?
Marty: We're friends with every benefit in the book, baby!
Toot giggles, then resumes kissing Marty very passionately.
Hero: (turning to Foxxy) Foxxy, I'm sorry I never told you about me and Toot. I wasn't trying to hide what happened, honest!
Foxxy: It's all right, Hero. I remember when we first got together, I said I didn't care about who all you slept with before me. And I don't.
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: I mean, if we was gonna start telling the names of everybody we'd had sex with in our lives... we'd both be here a while!
Hero: We sure would!
Foxxy: So you don't have to talk about sleeping with Toot, and I don't have to talk about sleeping with Wooldoor.
Hero: That's right, you- (Suddenly alarmed, Hero turns.) Wait- Wooldoor?
Everyone turns and looks at Foxxy. She becomes slightly embarrassed.
Foxxy: Oops!
Everyone stares at Foxxy for a moment. Finally, Spanky approaches her.
Spanky: Foxxy?
Foxxy: What is it, Spanky?
Spanky: I think you know what.
Foxxy: (sighs) Well... all right. (She glances around the room, waving her hand.) Okay, gather round, y'all. Looks like it's the Foxxy's turn to tell a story! (The others all position themselves comfortably, looking at Foxxy eagerly. Hero kicks his feet up behind him.) It was right after that mess with my bandmates. I was feeling depressed, and so...
As Foxxy continues telling her story, the scene fades.
THE END
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where all the housemates minus Clara are gathered in the living room playing cards. Everyone present is wearing their underwear and nothing else.
Spanky: All right, guys, read 'em and weep! (He holds his cards out.) Full house! (Everyone reacts with frustration.) Come on, guys, you know what that means! You gotta put something back on!
Begrudgingly, each of the housemates grabs an item of clothing and puts it back on. Foxxy puts her hat on, Toot puts her skirt on, Hero puts his cape on, and Wooldoor puts one sock on. Xandir sits looking confused.
Spanky: Come on, Xandir, you know the rules!
Xandir: Fine!
He takes out a ring and reaches down toward his crotch area just out of the camera's view. As the other housemates sit looking thoroughly disgusted, we see Xandir's hand adjusting his area. The scene cuts to the kitchen, where we see Marty watching the scene while Clara sits at the table reading the newspaper.
Marty: (to Clara) So why aren't you playing reverse strip poker with the others?
Clara: (casually turning around) Oh, they quit letting me play once they suspected I might be taking a dive.
The scene changes to a flashback of an earlier game. The group sits around, all naked except for Clara, who is wearing a slip.
Clara: Sorry, guys, I got nothing. (She lays down five cards. We see that the cards are a two of clubs, a three of hearts, a six of spades, an eight of clubs, and a nine of diamonds.) I guess I lose! (Clara slides back into her dress. The group looks at her angrily.) What? I'm being serious, I lost! (Everyone else continues to glare at her.) Really! I'm being honest this time! Why don't you believe me?
Foxxy: Because we haven't even dealt the cards yet, Clara!
There is silence for a moment. Clara looks around embarrassed. The scene changes back to the present.
Clara: I know I've asked you this before, but... are you SURE you really want to marry into this?
Marty: Clara, if you haven't chased me away by now, you're not going to. At this point, I just don't know what you guys could possibly have left to throw at me! I mean, I've already been exposed to... (he begins listing them off on his fingers) the guys' little Monday night roleplaying game- Swords and Serpents, or Wizards and Warlocks, whatever it's called, Tuesday's Naked Scrabble, the Wednesday night Drawn Together drinking game, Sockbat tossing on Thursday, linoleum darts on Friday, and your Saturday night game of reverse strip poker!
Clara: Ah, but there's still Sunday! No outsider has ever witnessed our Sunday activity and not deeply regretted it!
Marty: What do you guys do on Sunday?
Clara: One word, Marty. (She pauses dramatically. Marty looks at her questioningly.) Tamponball.
Marty: What's tamponball?
Clara: (pausing to survey Marty for a moment) I don't think you're ready yet. (He continues to look confused. Clara gets up from the table and walks over to the counter. She reaches into the drawer and pulls out a very thick book and hands it to Marty.) Here. This book contains everything you're going to need for tomorrow night.
Marty: (looking at the book) Clara, this is a copy of Stephen King's <i>The Stand</i>.
Clara: I know. You need to stay in your room tomorrow night reading that book, trying to forget about all the horror that's taking place downstairs!
Marty: Um... thanks, Clara.
Clara: Don't mention it! (Clara starts to sit back down at the table. Marty looks in the direction of the living room. A fearful look crosses his face.)
Marty: Hey, Clara, are you cold?
Clara: No. Why?
Marty: Apparently someone thinks you need a coat! (Clara turns around. We see a heavy coat slowly inching its way across the floor toward Clara.) Ah, so this why your housemates go naked all the time! Their clothes are haunted!
Clara: Don't be silly, Marty! (Clara gets up from the table and steps over toward the coat. She picks it up off the floor. Underneath the coat is Ling-Ling, gasping and wheezing.)
Ling-Ling: Carla! Carla, help!
Clara: Oh, Ling-Ling, what's wrong? (She picks him up.)
Ling-Ling: (still gasping for breath) Ling-Ling try to play cards with others, but when he lose, Ling-Ling not have clothes so they make him put on heavy coat! Nearly smother Ling-Ling to death!
Clara: (petting him) Don't worry, Ling-Ling, you're safe now!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have to run away! If he lose another hand, they make him wear pants!
Clara: It's okay, Ling-Ling. (Still holding Ling-Ling, Clara gets up from the table.) I'll go have a talk with the others. Those people think they can make MY husband wear pants, they've got another thing coming!
Chad Huffington (in confessional): (sadly) Why doesn't anybody like wearing pants anymore?
Clara walks into the living room where the others are still playing cards. She stops and stands watching them.
Spanky: Sorry, Toot, you lose! You gotta put your top back on!
Toot: Awwww! But my boobs look great today!
Foxxy: Rules are rules, Toot!
Toot: Awwww... okay!
Spanky: (looking to Foxxy's right) Um, Hero, I think you may be getting your clothes out of the wrong pile.
Hero: (offscreen) Why?
The camera cuts to Hero. He is wearing Foxxy's top, shorts, and G-string along with Toot's stockings.
Spanky: No reason.
Marty: (walking into the living room, book in hand) Hey, guys! How's the game going?
Hero: It's going great, Marty!
Foxxy: You sure you don't want to play with us?
Marty: Thanks for the offer. But I think I'll pass.
Wooldoor: Awwwww! Why?
Marty: Call me old-fashioned, but... I believe that the only person should be allowed to know what I look like naked is the one I love! (He puts his arm around Toot, who smiles.)
Wooldoor: Awwwww, that's so sweet!
Hero: Wait. If that's true, then shouldn't YOU be the only person who's allowed to know what TOOT looks like naked?
Toot: Yeah, Hero, that boat kinda sailed away a long time ago. In case you haven't noticed, I've been naked on the show, like, 30, 40 times already!
Hero: Well, yeah, but it's not like anyone ever LOOKS! (Toot gives Hero an angry look.) I mean, *I* certainly never have! (Toot continues to glare at him.) I have certainly never, ever been in a position that would require me to spend any more time than is absolutely necessary with Toot's naked body! (By now, the others begin to stare at Hero as well.) No, sir! One person who's certainly never had cause to see Toot naked is yours truly!
Toot: Thank you, Hero. That'll do. (Hero shuts up.)
Marty: Well, it doesn't matter, you guys. What's past is past.
Toot: Thank you, Marty.
Marty: I don't care how many tens of thousands of people Toot has slept with- all that matters is that the rest of them are all going to be me!
Toot: Okay, now I'm coming off as kind of a slut.
Marty: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-
Toot: It's okay, Marty. I actually kinda like it! It sure beats being known as the girl who can't get anybody else to go to bed with her!
Foxxy: Eh. If you toss out all those people you only got to screw cause them Indians thought you was a talking cow, you ain't THAT big a slut!
Wooldoor: Hey, guys, I just thought of something! If everyone in India thought Toot was a cow, and they had sex with her anyway... does that mean the entire nation of India is into bestiality?
Clara: I really don't think our writers thought through it that deeply, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Well, maybe they should have! The implications are very disturbing!
Spanky: Yes, Wooldoor. Point taken.
Toot: Okay, so maybe I'm not reeeeeeally a slut. But I'm close!
Foxxy: Oh, nonsense! Before you made all them Indians have sex with you, nobody would touch you!
Toot: Oh, yes, they would!
Foxxy: Don't you remember? You came in here that day just offering yourself up to everybody and you couldn't get any takers!
Foxxy (in confessional): Yes, I know I was in the other story that week. But I know what happened cause I watched the episode later on TV! (She pauses for a moment.) It wasn't one of my favorites.
Toot: Well, it's not my fault you guys have horrible taste!
Clara: Toot, why do you want to be thought of as a slut anyway? Being a slut is bad!
Wooldoor: Don't judge us, Clara!
Toot: I know, Clara. But you have to remember where I'm coming from. Usually I'm used to being thought of as gross... fat... ugly... completely undesirable in any form! If I'm a slut, it at least means that guys are willing to have sex with me!
Spanky: Toot, I know we tease you, but that's just what we do! We don't mean any harm!
Toot: Maybe. It still hurts, though.
Hero: I know. And we're sorry.
Toot: Thanks. I guess.
Spanky: And besides, you can't be THAT undesirable, can you? I mean, you HAVE gotten just about everyone in this house to sleep with you at one point or another!
Toot: That's true. I have!
Foxxy: Now don't that beat all? We's all the time teasing Toot for being ugly, and here she is getting more action than anybody! Well... more action amongst the group, at least.
Spanky: Yeah. I gotta admit, I'm pretty surprised by that!
Wooldoor: Me too!
Xandir: Me three!
Toot: (getting a little annoyed) Okay, it shouldn't be THAT surprising to you!
Marty: You're darn right it shouldn't!
Toot: I mean, I may not be as beautiful as Foxxy or Clara, but I think I'm kinda cute in my own unique way!
Clara: Yeah, you tell 'em, Toot!
Toot: And maybe I'm not the best looking thing on the planet, but I've got a hell of a personality!
Foxxy: Ain't that the truth!
Toot: So all you assbags can just suck my balls, cause I am SEXY!
Marty: Yeah!
Hero: And besides, she's GREAT in bed! (Suddenly, the room falls silent. Everyone begins to stare at Hero.) What? I mean it, she is! She's fantastic! (to Marty) You really are a lucky guy!
Spanky: Damn, Hero! You REALLY got into that roleplaying we did!
Hero: Who's talking about the roleplaying? Toot and I slept together LOTS of times before that!
All activity in the room suddenly ceases. The expressions freeze on everyone's face. After a moment, Spanky gathers himself. Toot rolls her eyes and sighs.
Spanky: (reaching into the clothes pile beside himself) Okay, everyone. Get all your clothes back on. The game's over. (The others begin to get dressed again. Spanky looks at Hero.) Hero... you've got some explaining to do.
Hero: I know, Spanky. Flashback episode.
Spanky: That's right!
Hero looks down, slightly embarrassed. Toot sighs in frustration. However, the scene does not fade. Spanky looks in Foxxy's direction.
Spanky: Um, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Yeah, Spanky?
Spanky: Why haven't you put your clothes back on yet?
We see that although everyone else is now fully dressed again, Foxxy is still naked. She casts a glance to her right. The camera pans to her right to reveal Hero still wearing her outfit. Hero shrugs. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene returns to the living room. All of the housemates are gathered around Toot and Hero, who are now sitting on the couch. Foxxy is now wearing Captain Hero's outfit.
Foxxy: All right, Hero. So what happened? How'd you come to sleep with Toot?
Spanky: Let me guess. It was late, you'd been drinking, your inhibitions were a little low, something like that?
Hero: Well... not exactly.
Cut to a large fairground. Hero and Toot are walking around looking at the attractions. Toot has a giant stick of cotton candy in her hand. Hero is as excited as a child.
Hero: Ooh, so what do you want to do now, Toot? You want to do the dunk tunk again?
Toot: No... I think by now Ryan Seacrest is as wet as we can possibly make him.
Hero: Well, let's do one of the games here, then! I promised my girlfriend, Angelina Jolie, that I would win her a prize today!
Toot: So how are you going to pull that one off? Everyone knows you suck at any type of sports related game!
Hero: You're right. If only there was some kind of contest here that would make use of my unique skills. Hmm... The two suddenly stop in front of a sign. The sign says "Contest! Prize- a large stuffed donkey! Proceeds go to help orphans or something." Ooh, a stuffed donkey! I've always wanted one of those! I mean, my girlfriend, Angelina Jolie, always wanted one of those! I must win it for her! (He turns to the man inside the booth.) Excuse me, sir. What kind of contest is this you are running here? Please tell me it's a contest for some skill I possess!
Man: I highly doubt it, sir. It's a having sex contest.
Hero: It is? (He looks at Toot.) Why... I know how to have sex!
Man: That's very good, then, sir! I'll go ahead and sign you up and you can go on into the arena and get started!
Hero: Wait! Before I have this sex, I must first go home and get my girlfriend, Angelina Jolie, so that she may have the sex with me!
Man: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have time for that. You see, there is only one spot left, and if you leave, the man standing behind you will surely sign up in your place and you'll be left out!
Hero turns around. Behind him stands a random stranger in bondage gear.
Stranger: Hiya. (Hero turns back around.)
Man: I'm afraid if you want to participate in the sex contest and win that stuffed donkey, you'll have to have sex with someone you already have right here with you.
Hero: But the only person I have with me is Toot!
Man: Do you want that stuffed donkey or not?
Hero: I do! But I don't know if I want it *that* badly...
Toot: (pleadingly) But Hero, if you don't win the contest, all those kids at the orphanage will die from their diseases! You *have* to win, Hero! I'm sure Angelina will understand.
Hero: So be it. If it takes having sex with Toot to save all those kids at the orphanage, then I'll have sex with Toot!
Man: I thought you'd see it my way! (He steps out from behind the counter.) Here, sir. You two just follow me into the arena. (The three start to walk into the arena. The man stops and gestures to his right.) Oh, by the way, sir, you'll find the bondage gear in the closet to the right.
Hero: That's okay. I brought my own! (The three walk into the arena.)
The scene suddenly changes back to the present. Everyone is staring at Hero again.
Hero: So you see? I *had* to have sex with Toot! To save the diseased orphans!
Spanky: Rrrrrrrright.
Foxxy: Uh, Hero? Not to doubt your veracity, but uh... I think we'd better let Toot tell this one.
Hero: All right.
Toot: You guys, there's nothing to tell! Hero and I had sex a few times several years ago. That's it! It's really no big deal!
Clara: If it's such a big deal, why didn't you tell anybody? I mean, after you had sex with Xandir, you were broadcasting it to the world! In fact, after you have sex with ANYBODY, you pretty much broadcast it to the world.
Hero: Toot... don't tell me you were ashamed of me!
Toot: Of course not, Hero! You were great! I guess I didn't tell because I was afraid it would cause some awkwardness with the rest of the house!
Foxxy: Awkwardness? Why would there be awkwardness? It ain't like none of us ever slept with anyone else in this house before! What makes this thing with you and Captain Hero any different? (Toot looks away from Foxxy. She does not answer.) Toot... it WAS just sex, right? (Toot remains silent.) Right? (Toot looks down, embarrassed.) I think you'd better spill it, Toot.
Toot: You're right, Foxxy. It was just sex. That's all.
Foxxy: Too late.
Toot: (takes a deep breath) Fine. I'll tell. I'm not really sure why it's so important, but I'll tell. (Her flashback begins. We see the exterior of her cabin at Camp Really Fat David.) I guess it all started right after I'd just finished having sex with Xandir.
Toot: So does this mean we're a couple?
Xandir: No, uh, hello, I'm gay!
Toot: But if you weren't?
Xandir: Oh, Toot... of course not! But I'm your friend and I care about you! So I tossed you a mercy fuck!
Toot: I'll take that!
Toot promptly jumps on Xandir again and begins singing "A Moment Like This". At that moment, just as in the show, the door to her cabin suddenly opens.
Blue Albert: Hey, hey, hey, guys! Toot's getting laid!
Big Lotta: Toot found a thin mint who'll bang double stuffs? Charge!!!
The campers all proceed to doff their clothes and jump on Xandir.
Xandir: Heeeeeeeeelp!
Toot: Hey, excuse me! Do you guys mind? I'm trying to have sex here! (The campers ignore her.) Hey, I was here first! (The campers continue to ignore Toot and proceed to manhandle Xandir. As Xandir screams in fear, Toot is knocked off the bed.) Oh, forget it! (Irritated, Toot walks over to the corner of the room. She is alone; all other attention is on Xandir.) Goddammit! This isn't fair! I finally get lucky and those assholes have to jump right in and take it away from me! (She turns back toward the group.) Oh, big accomplishment, you guys! Banging a gay guy just because he's too big a puss to put up any resistance! (Suddenly, she becomes troubled. She turns back around.) Wait a minute. Is that... is that what *I* just did? (She puts her hand to her face, completely crestfallen.)
Cut to a shot of Toot sometime later. She is back at the Drawn Together house. She sits at the kitchen table, thoroughly depressed.
Toot: (voiceover) That was when it hit me just how horrible my life really was. I was so desperate for acceptance that I had to force a guy I didn't even love to have sex with me. I thought a good romp in the sack would make me feel better... but it didn't.
Toot continues to sit depressed for a moment. Clara and Foxxy walk in and look at her.
Clara: Wow. She is STILL down.
Foxxy: She's hardly said a word in three days.
Clara: (walking over to Toot) Toot? Do you want to talk about it?
Toot: There's nothing to talk about, Clara. My life is a miserable, depressing mess. End of story.
Clara: Well, it can't be TOO bad this time. At least you're not cutting yourself!
Toot: I can't even get up the energy to cut myself anymore. I mean, what's the point?
Clara: Wow. Maybe you should talk to Wooldoor about this. You know, as a psychiatrist.
Toot: Nah. He'd probably just reassure me that I'm a beautiful person and I'd start getting my hopes up again and then I'd go back out in the world to find that my life is still the same meaningless pile of crap it always was!
Clara: I... I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
Toot: You don't have to respond, Clara. It's not your job to fix what's wrong with me. Thanks for trying, though.
Clara: Well, if you need to talk, you know where we are.
Toot: I know. Thanks.
Clara and Foxxy turn and walk out. On the way out, they pass Hero.
Hero: Hey, guys. Toot still moping around about what happened?
Clara: Yeah.
Hero: I know how she feels. I'd feel the same way if *I* had just had sex with Xandir! I'll go talk to her.
Foxxy: Hero? (She gently grabs his arm.) Maybe you'd better not say anything. Toot's pretty fragile right now. If you're not careful, you could end up just making things worse.
Hero: I'll be careful, Foxxy.
Foxxy nods and lets go of Hero's arm. She and Clara turn and leave. Hero goes into the kitchen. He walks over to the refrigerator and begins looking through it. Without turning around, Toot begins talking to him.
Toot: If you've come to cheer me up, it won't work.
Hero: Oh, don't worry, Toot, I'm not! In fact, I have no intention of trying to cheer you up at all! (Toot's brow wrinkles.)
Toot: (sarcastically) Thanks!
Hero: Oh, Toot, that's not what I meant! What I meant was- dammit, I blew it already!
Toot: Forget it. It's not your fault.
Hero: I know! It's Xandir's fault! (His face lights up.) Hey! Why don't I get him back for you?
Toot: (beginning to perk up) Revenge on Xandir? Hmmm... well, that WOULD make me feel better temporarily! (Her excitement begins to dwindle.) Of course, after we got finished exacting this petty, petty revenge, I'd still be left with the same issues I had before.
Hero: What issues would those be?
Toot: The fact that I'm completely undesirable and no guy in his right mind would ever want to have sex with me.
Hero: Toot, that's nonsense! You're not undesirable at all!
Toot: Yeah, right. If I'm not undesirable, then how come the guys puke whenever they see my naked boobs?
Hero: Because they're lactose intolerant?
Toot: I know how it is, Hero. They all think I'm fat and ugly. I hear the way they tease me!
Hero: Okay, maybe the guys tease you about being fat and ugly. But you know what? I'd bang you!
Toot's brow wrinkles. She turns around, uncertain as to whether to believe Hero.
Toot: Really?
Hero: Oh yeah! In fact, I wouldn't mind ripping that little skirt and those stockings right off you and doing you right here!
Toot's face starts to light up, but at the last moment, she hesitates.
Toot: Wait a minute, Hero. This doesn't make sense. If you're so hot for me, how come you never tried to sleep with me before now?
Hero: Well, you know... it's just that the guys tease you and all... I've got a reputation to maintain!
Toot: So you're serious? You honestly find me attractive?
Hero: Well... I mean, you're not a knockout or anything. But you're attractive enough to have a romp in the sack with!
Toot: Well, that's not *quite* the compliment I was hoping for... but it *is* a step up from what I usually get. (She pauses and looks at Hero for a moment, then turns around.) Hero, at fat camp, Xandir and I were in this exact same position. I was feeling all sorry for myself, and he tried to convince me that I was attractive by sleeping with me. That's not what's happening here, is it?
Hero: Of course not! I really find you attractive! (Toot turns back around and faces Hero again.)
Toot: You're not just gonna toss me a mercy screw, are you?
Hero: Hey, Captain Hero don't do mercy screws! If I bang a chick, it's because I *want* to!
Toot: Well, you do sound SLIGHTLY more convincing than Xandir did... of course, it's kind of hard to believe that a guy likes you when he has to be FORCED have sex with you!
Hero: Well, Toot, there's one big difference between this situation and the one you had with Xandir.
Toot: What?
Hero: Xandir didn't do THIS!
With one swift motion, Hero reaches one arm out and pins Toot against the kitchen counter. With his other arm, he proceeds to rip off her skirt and her stockings. Toot grabs Hero by the collar, simultaneously kicking her shoes off. Embracing in a mad fit of passion, the two get down on the floor. The camera view blocked by the kitchen counter, the two begin to have sex.
Hero: NOW do you believe me?
Toot: Okay, I think you're starting to sway me!
The scene fades. Cut to Hero's bedroom. Hero and Toot are sitting up in bed.
Hero: So was I better than Xandir?
Toot: Juuuuuuust a little bit. (She takes a deep breath.) Wow!
Hero: I know!
Toot: I cannot believe that I just had sex with Captain Hero!
Hero: Neither can I! Well, actually, I didn't have sex with Captain Hero, you did. But you know what I meant.
Toot: Yeah.
Hero: Wait... we were having sex in the kitchen. How did we end up in bed?
Toot: We finished the kitchen sex and then came upstairs and had bed sex.
Hero: Ah, right.
They pause for a moment. Toot takes a deep breath.
Toot: So... what now?
Hero: What do you mean? (Toot turns to Hero.)
Toot: Captain Hero, you and I just had sex!
Hero: I know!
Toot: Well... doesn't this mean things are different between us?
Hero: Why should it?
Toot looks troubled for a moment. Then she sighs.
Toot: Oh... no reason.
Hero: (noticing Toot's reaction) Toot... ARE things different?
Toot: I don't know. I feel like they are.
Hero: Well, Toot, I sleep with women all the time. Most of the time, it doesn't mean anything. Nothing changes between us.
Toot: Right.
Hero: But then, a lot of those women I never see again. And I wasn't friends with them first.
Toot: I think that's the problem.
Hero: What do you mean?
Toot: The two of us were friends first, and now we've slept together. We've gone from thinking about each other in a non-sexual way to thinking about each other in a sexual way.
Hero: Is that bad?
Toot: I don't know. (She thinks for a moment.) Not necessarily.
Hero: Right.
Toot: But now that we HAVE... I'm not sure where to take it from here. I mean... are we in love with each other?
Hero: I haven't really thought about it.
Toot: Should we date?
Hero: Date? I don't know. (He pauses, then turns to her.) Do you want to date?
Toot: I don't know.
Hero: Toot, I've always known I'd like to sleep with you... I never thought about whether I'd like us to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Toot: Boyfriend and girlfriend... wow. (She turns to Hero.) Hero, you're nice. (He smiles.) But I'm not sure if I like you like that.
Hero: Maybe you're right. Maybe it would be too awkward.
Toot: You know, if we really had the chemistry to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I don't think we'd be having to question it like this.
Hero: Yeah.
Toot: So... I think it would be best if we just got dressed, went downstairs, and acted like none of this ever happened.
Hero: You're right.
Toot: We'll treat our romp in the sack as a special one-time event that will never happen again.
Hero: Right. (Toot gets up and starts to get dressed. Hero suddenly becomes alarmed.) Wait! (Toot stops.) Never happen again? (Toot nods.) You mean... we can't even sleep together anymore, ever?
Toot: Well, maybe not EVER... I just mean- (she suddenly realizes). Wait a minute- you... you actually want to sleep with me again?
Hero: Well, yeah!
Toot: (becoming happy) You mean you... you actually liked having sex with me?
Hero: Yes, I thought I had made that clear.
Toot: Oh, my God, I was worried maybe you were just being polite! But you... you actually find me attractive! (Gleefully, she jumps on the bed and hugs Hero.) Oh, Hero! You love me! (Hero suddenly pulls away.)
Hero: Whoooooooa! I didn't say THAT! (Toot's expression becomes cynical again.)
Toot: Oh, goddammit, so you WERE just being polite! I should have known!
Hero: Hey, I was being honest! I like you as a friend and as a sex partner! Just not as a girlfriend!
Toot: Well, maybe if you gave me half a chance, you'd find I'm a pretty decent girlfriend, too!
Hero: Don't nag me, woman!
Toot: Oh, goddammit, could you not call me "woman"? My name is Toot, goddammit!
Hero: I know what your name is! Don't insult my intelligence!
Toot: Well, I'm only insulting it because you're too stupid to realize- (Suddenly they both stop.) You know what, Hero? I think you're right. We'd never work as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Hero: Yeah.
Toot: Hero, I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were just being honest. (Toot sits back down on the bed.) So you really like me as a friend?
Hero: I do.
Toot: And you really like having sex with me?
Hero: I do!
Toot: Well, then... maybe we could do this. Have you ever heard of a thing called "friends with benefits"?
Hero: You mean like Blue Cross?
Toot: No... I mean, you and I are friends. Well, we'll just keep being friends. Friends who just happen to have sex every so often.
Hero: So... no relationship? No strings? Just sex?
Toot: Just sex.
Hero: I think I can handle that!
Toot: Yeah. I don't see why it can't work.
Hero: So as soon as we walk out of this room, we go back to being just friends. Friends who just happen to have sex with each other.
Toot: Wait a minute, Hero. I have a problem with that.
Hero: With the friends having sex part?
Toot: No, with the "waiting till we walk out of this room" part!
Immediately, Toot throws off what little clothing she had on and jumps back in bed with Hero. The two proceed to have wild, animal sex.
Toot: Ooh! You have a padded headboard! Nice planning!
Hero: I know my tendencies.
Toot: (as the two continue to have sex) By the way, Hero, I don't think we should let anyone else in the house know we're doing this.
Hero: Why not? Are you worried it'll make things awkward?
Toot: No, I just think the danger of getting caught makes the sex really hot!
Hero: Oh, okay.
Toot: Although you do have a point... who knows how the others might react?
Hero: Yeah... and Clara would freak if she found out we did it on her bed!
Toot: (stops having sex) Hero, we haven't done it on Clara's bed.
Hero grins at her. Cut to the two of them having sex on Clara's bed.
Toot: Oh, yes! Oh, God, yes!
Hero: We'll do it on Wooldoor's bed next!
Cut back to the present.
Clara: Oh, my God! You two had sex on my bed?
Hero: Well, SOMEBODY should!
Clara: Oh, my God! That is so disgusting!
Hero: We had sex on EVERYONE'S bed at some point!
Toot: Also the laundry room, the pool, the hot tub, the ball pit, the pool table-
Hero: The M.C. Escher room.
Clara: I don't know if I can handle this!
Ling-Ling: Oh, come on, Carla. What the big deal? So big humans have sex on Carla sleeping place. So what?
Toot: Oh, Ling-Ling, you know your little basket where you take your naps? (He nods.) We've done it there.
Ling-Ling: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Clara: (trying to move the conversation along) So anyway...
Toot: Right. Anyway, at first, trying to maintain our secrecy was veeeeeeery tricky.
The flashback resumes. It is some time later. Hero sits on Foxxy's bed, now fully dressed, while Toot, back in her usual dress, stands to the left of her own bed, making it up.
Hero: What are you doing?
Toot: Duh! I'm making the bed!
Hero: Why?
Toot: Because! Foxxy and Clara know my bed was made this morning- if they come in and find it all messed up, they'll suspect something's up!
Hero: Oh, right.
At that moment, we hear the sounds of shoes approaching.
Toot: Someone's coming! Quick, hide! (Hero starts to hide under Foxxy's bed, but we see that there are too many sex toys underneath it. Toot scowls at him.) Under here, dillhole! (She points to her own bed. Hero quickly ducks underneath it. The door opens. Clara enters.) Hey, Clara!
Clara: Hey, Toot. Um, Toot... is there something going on? (Toot remains calm.)
Toot: Of course not, Clara. Why do you ask?
Clara: Because I found these downstairs. (She holds out Toot's shoes and stockings. A look of panic crosses Toot's face. The camera cuts to a shot of Toot behind the bed. We see that her legs and feet are both bare.)
Toot: Um... well... because, Clara! (She hops up on the bed and begins twirling her foot around.) I just find footwear soooooo confining! Don't you?
Clara: (skeptical) Confining?
Toot: That's right. My feet must have their freedom!
Clara: Says the girl who wears shoes at the pool.
Toot: Hey, I only wore shoes at the pool that one time! And that was because I forgot to clip my toenails that day!
Clara: You hadn't shaved your legs that day either and yet you didn't seem to be too self-conscious about showing THEM off.
Toot: (slyly) You checking out my legs?
Clara: Let's not do this.
Toot: Fine. But anyway, my feet look great today, and I just felt like showing them off!
Clara: A realization you suddenly came to, while shod, in the middle of the living room.
Toot: Hey, enough with the third degree! It's a hot day and I just felt like going barefoot! End of story!
Clara: Okay, Toot. If you say so, I believe you.
Toot: Thanks, Clara.
Clara: I guess you have a point. Shoes ARE kind of confining. And besides, we're at home, why do we even need to wear shoes around the house, anyway? (She kicks her shoes off.)
Toot: There you go!
Hero: (from under the bed, attempting to imitate Toot's voice) Hey, Clara? This is Toot! Hey, Clara, don't you also find wearing a dress very confining? Why don't we both take our dresses off and walk around naked? It'll be fun! (Toot swings her legs over the side of the bed and delivers a swift kick to Hero.) Ow.
Clara: What was that?
Toot: Probably that offstage voice again. You know, the one who insults us from offscreen?
Clara: Oh, yeah. You know, one of these days I'm going to call security on that guy. (Toot nods.)
Toot: (voiceover) But after a while, we got much better at hiding.
Cut to the pool area. Clara and Foxxy lounge in their swimsuits while Wooldoor sits off to the side practicing the sex moves Hero was demonstrating in "Captain Girl". Clara looks up.
Clara: Do you feel something?
The camera changes to a side view of Clara's chair. We see Hero and Toot busy having sex underneath it, not making a sound.
Foxxy: We's probably having an earthquake.
Clara: Yeah, that's probably it. (She returns to her magazine.)
The scene changes to another scene in the living room. Spanky and Wooldoor both wear togas. Spanky holds a knife.
Spanky: No, no, no! First we massacre all the convicts with a giant chopping machine, THEN we have a wild sex orgy!
Wooldoor: Spanky, I'm not sure this is what happens in <i>Julius Caesar</i>.
Spanky: You don't believe me? Fine, we'll check the script. I think I left it in the closet. (The two walk over to the closet. Spanky sees Toot standing amongst the coats.) Toot? What the hell are you doing here?
Toot: I was whining about the Wienermobile again, so Foxxy locked me up in here.
Spanky: Ah. Okay, cool. Wait- that episode hasn't even happened yet!
Toot: Yeah, it has! They just showed it wayyyyyyyy out of order!
Spanky: Oh. Okay.
Spanky closes the door. Hero's head pops up behind Toot, grinning widely. Toot turns around. They embrace and kiss passionately, then resume having sex. The scene changes to the girls' room. Hero and Toot are both naked and having sex on Foxxy's bed. Foxxy walks in.
Foxxy: Boy, am I tired! I could sure go for a nap on my own bed right now- oh, my God! (She looks down at Toot's bed and picks up a magazine.) Denzel!!! (The shot changes to a close-up of the magazine. It features a picture of a topless Denzel Washington. The title is "Naked Denzel Pictures Monthly".) Foxxy sits down on Toot's bed and begins flipping through the magazine while Hero and Toot continue to have sex.) Mmm, mmm, mmm. That Denzel got a vurrrrrrrry fine body!
Hero and Toot continue to have sex while Foxxy continues to look at the magazine as the camera pulls out. The scene changes to all of the housemates minus Toot and Hero in the living room watching TV.
Announcer: (on TV) And coming up next, it's Jeff Foxworthy starring in "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"!
Spanky: Hey, Xandir! Are YOU smarter than a fifth grader?
Xandir: Which one? (Spanky sighs and changes the channel.)
Announcer: (on TV) Now stay tuned for "A&E Biography: Excludie!".
Excludie bursts onto the scene.
Excludie: Yay! I love this show! (Spanky looks at Excludie.)
Spanky: (angrily) Excludie...
Excludie: (sighing) I know. Back to my box.
Dejected, Excludie turns around and walks back to his box. He walks into the box only to be greeted by a very angry voice.
Toot: (voice) Hey! Do you mind? We're trying to have sex in here!
Hero: (voice) Yeah!
Excludie walks back out of the box and walks off dejected. Toot and Hero resume having sex. The box begins to shake vigorously.
Toot: (voiceover, as the camera lingers on a shot of Excludie's box) Eventually, however, our plan began to backfire. We got to be SO good at hiding that the challenge went away. And once the challenge went away...
Cut to Spanky's room. Hero and Toot are having sex on Spanky's bed. Spanky sits at his computer looking at porn. A sign next to the computer reads, "Free porn! But you have to keep looking at the porn. If you dare turn your head and look away from the porn, the porn will go away. So don't even think about looking in a direction other than at the porn. Oh, yeah, and don't listen to any sounds in the room, either."
Hero: (with Toot on top of him) Oh, yeah! Ride that pony! (He looks at her.) Um, that's me, by the way. I'm the pony.
Toot: Yes.
Hero: You're supposed to ride me.
Toot: Yes, I know.
Hero: Just checking. Sometimes women get confused by things-
Toot: Blah, blah, blah, can we just get back to having sex?
Hero: Sure, sure.
As Spanky continues to be entranced by the images on his computer, Hero and Toot resume having sex.
Toot: (without stopping) Oh, Hero, I saw that movie you were telling me about! It was pretty good!
Hero: I know! I cried when he finally found his car!
Toot: Me too! So where do you want to do it tomorrow?
Hero: How about your mom's house?
Toot: No, way, it's too dangerous!
Hero: I thought (he begins thrusting more vigorously) you liked the danger!
Toot: (continuing her dialogue while moaning and breathing heavily) I do! It's just that- (Hero thrusts some more. Toot takes several very deep breaths.) -my mom is really into those Anne Geddes pictures, and if I happen to see one while we're doing it, it'll kill the mood!
Hero: (continuing to thrust) Because you're worried about becoming pregnant?
Toot: (continuing to breathe heavily) No, because I just find those pictures really creepy!
Hero: Oh, yeah. Me too.
Toot: (now more actively moving her body up and down on his member) Although we probably SHOULD go over there at some point. I'm sure my parents would like to meet you!
Hero: Oh, that sounds nice! Then after that, we can stop over by my parents' place, and we can- (Suddenly, they stop.) Oh, my God! What the hell are we doing?
Toot: Are we actually talking about meeting each other's parents?
Hero: We are! Good God- what happened to us? (Toot gets off Hero.) Are we... are we a couple now?
Toot: I don't know. I think we might be!
Hero: How did that happen? I thought we were just supposed to be friends with benefits!
Toot: So did I! (She pauses for a moment.) I guess... after the initial rush went away... and we started getting more accustomed to each other... we kind of settled into "relationship" mode without even realizing it!
Hero: So what do we do about it?
Toot: I don't know. (She thinks for a moment.) Hero, I'm getting a little uncomfortable about this.
Hero: Me, too.
Toot: Perhaps we'd better stop. (Hero looks down, slightly disappointed.) Maybe it would be better if we just went back to the way we were.
Hero: I think you might be right. (He sighs.) Dammit! (Toot turns around, surprised.)
Toot: Hero? Did you... did you just curse?
Hero: Yeah! What's the big deal? You use profanity all the time!
Toot: That's not what I mean. (She looks directly into Hero's eyes.) Hero... do you have... feelings... for me?
Hero: No! Of course not!
Toot: Okay. Good. Cause we're just friends with benefits. Or we were.
Hero: Right. (He sighs.) Oh, well, it was a good run.
Toot: Yeah, it was.
Hero: (starting to get up) I think I'll go talk to Foxxy.
Toot: Oh, yeah? What about?
Hero: About having sex with her. You know, I think this whole "friends with benefits" thing might be right up her alley! (Toot immediately becomes angry.)
Toot: (grabbing Hero by the chest hair) The hell you will!
Hero: What? What'd I do?
Toot: Captain Hero, how dare you even think about having sex with Foxxy right now! You are MINE! MINE, you got that? MINE!!!
Hero: I'm yours?
Toot: (letting go of Hero) Um... I mean...
Hero: So we ARE a couple! I knew it!
Toot: Dammit, I knew this would happen! (She sighs deeply, then turns around.) I should have known this wouldn't work. That sooner or later emotion would rear its ugly head. (She sighs again, then turns back around to Hero.) Hero, how do you feel about us? Honestly?
Hero: I don't know. I mean, I do like you as a friend. Truly I do. And I don't *think* I like you as a romantic partner. Yet somehow... I just can't seem to want to let you go.
Toot: I know. I feel the same way. (They pause for a moment. Toot sits at the foot of the bed.) Well... maybe we should try it.
Hero: Try what?
Toot: Try dating.
Hero: I thought we agreed that wouldn't work out.
Toot: I know, we did. But there's obviously SOMETHING going on between us. I think we owe it to ourselves to find out what it is.
Hero: Then so be it. We'll... date.
Toot: (getting up off the bed) I'll go get dressed. Then later on, we'll maybe go out somewhere and we'll see where it goes.
Hero: Sounds good to me!
Toot: And who knows? Maybe if we give things an honest try, they might actually lead somewhere wonderful!
Hero: Yeah! Who knows?
Toot: Then it's settled. I'll see you this evening, Hero.
Hero: It's a date!
They both get up and walk out of the room. As they close the door behind them, Spanky suddenly turns.
Spanky: Was someone just in here? (Suddenly he becomes fearful.) Oh! The porn! (He turns back to the computer.) Please don't go away, porn! (He sees that the porn is still there. He breathes a sigh of relief. The scene fades. The camera fades back up on a long shot of the restaurant.)
Toot: (voiceover) Things DID end up leading somewhere with Hero. But somewhere wonderful? Not quite.
Cut to the interior of the restaurant. Toot and Hero are sitting at the table, their menus in front of them.
Toot: And that's why Sarah Jessica Parker has a restraining order on me!
Hero: If you ask me, it was an honest mistake! It could have happened to anybody!
Toot: I know! (She pauses for a moment.) You know, Hero, this is actually kind of fun. I think we might actually be bonding!
Hero: I feel the same way! (He looks at her.) I bet it wasn't like this with Xandir, was it?
Toot: Oh, God, no! You know, for a gay guy, he's surprisingly poor at dinner conversation.
Hero: Unless you enjoy talking about boy bands or butt sex.
Toot: Um, yeah.
Hero: So what exactly happened between you two at fat camp? I never did get the full story.
Toot: Oh, I was feeling sorry for myself, saying I was unattractive, and he was trying to be all chivalrous, saying, "No, you're not", and all that. Of course, it would have sounded more convincing if he hadn't stuttered and stammered and acted all traumatized the whole time. You know, I wish he had just told me the truth. I think it would have been better for my psyche in the long run.
Hero: Oh, he was probably just worried you'd get mad and go all psycho on him.
Toot: Psycho? What do you mean?
Hero: You know, that thing you do where you totally flip out and start threatening people?
Toot: Well, is it my fault that people piss me off? I mean, come on, Hero, it's not like YOU never have a tantrum about anything! Remember what happened with Super Nanny?
Hero: Well, I only got mad because you stole my barrette!
Toot: Well, can you blame me? What's a grown man doing wearing a barrette anyway? Now this- (she begins patting her hair)- this is the kind of hair that deserves to be accessorized!
Hero: My hair is better than your hair!
Toot: No, it isn't!
Hero: Yes, it is!
Toot: Girls' hair rules! Guys' hair drools!
Hero: That doesn't even make sense!
Toot: It does if you have an IQ above 50!
Hero: My IQ is *53*, thank you very much!
Toot: So now you're bragging about being stupid? What a retard!
Hero: Well, I must be stupid to date YOU, mustn't I? (Toot glares at Hero for a moment. Tears start to form in her eyes. Her angry look quickly changes to one of sadness. She looks down. Hero's mood changes.) Toot, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Toot: Well, if you didn't mean it, then why did you say it?
Hero: I just let my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry.
Toot: Yeah. I guess I'm sorry, too.
Hero: Why don't you just calm down and we'll try this again. Okay?
Toot: Calm down? Why do I need to calm down? So you're saying that my problems don't mean anything? All that matters is that I'm being emotional? Is that what you mean? I'm just an emotional, hysterical woman who just needs to shut up? Is that it?
Hero: No, Toot, that's not what I mean at all! (He pauses.) You're right. I'm sorry, Toot. I didn't mean to sound like I was belittling you. I apologize.
Toot: Thank you.
Hero: Boy, this date has gotten off onto a bad tangent.
Toot: It sure has. (She pauses for a moment, then looks back at Hero.) Maybe you're right, Hero. Maybe we just need to calm ourselves and then try again. Sound good?
Hero: Sounds good.
Toot: (picking her menu back up) So what looks good to you, Hero? I'm kind of leaning toward the barbecued pork, myself.
Hero: Really? You eat pork?
Toot: (confused) Yes... why shouldn't I eat pork?
Hero: Well, it's just that you're Jewish, right? Pork isn't kosher!
Toot: So? Geez, Hero! Just because I was born into this stupid religion doesn't mean I have to follow a bunch of arbitrary rules that don't make any goddamn sense!
Hero: Stupid religion? Excuse me, missy, but Judaism is not a stupid religion! And these rules are not arbitrary! I'm sure that God has a very good reason for telling us it's okay to eat cows and chickens but not pigs or shellfish!
Toot: And since when are YOU such a devoted little Jew anyway? You know, Judaism also has rules against killing and stealing, but you don't seem too bothered about keeping THOSE, do you?
Hero: Hey, I don't steal! I told you, bitch, that was MY barrette!
Toot: Oh, goddammit, are we back on the stupid barrette again? (She begins to get so frustrated she can hardly speak.) Just... just shut the hell up, Hero, before I'm forced to strangle you!
Hero: (becomes aroused) Strangle me, eh? (He grins.) So you like autoerotic asphyxiation, eh?
Toot: Goddammit, Hero, this is not the time! (Toot turns away. Her hands are gripped in a strangulation position. She is shaking with anger, just barely able to speak.) I am TRYING to have a serious discussion with you and all you can think about is screwing! Do you know how insulting that is to me?
Hero: Well, can you blame me? Screwing is all we ever do!
Toot's eyes start to glaze over with rage. Hero watches her intently, trying to figure out whether she is going to flip. He begins to get nervous. Toot grabs a fork and turns around. She points it threateningly at Hero. A look of panic crosses his face. However, after a moment, she sighs and puts the fork back down. Her fury subsiding, she sits back down in her seat.
Toot: You're right, Hero. Screwing is all we ever do. (She sighs.)
Hero: Toot, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
Toot: It's not your fault. It's mine. (She sighs again.) Once again... I had to let stupid feelings get in the way.
Hero: No. No, Toot, that's not true. (Confused, Toot turns and looks at Hero.) Feelings aren't stupid. Feelings are good things. I mean, sure, they mess us up sometimes and make us do all kinds of harmful things to ourselves. But having emotion is what being human is all about. It's just part of life.
Toot: Well, yeah... (She looks somber for a moment.) Maybe you're right, Hero. Maybe I just take things too far. Perhaps if I can just learn to calm down and control my emotions better, I might do a better job of being your girlfriend.
Hero: (thinking for a moment) No. (Toot looks at Hero confused again.) No, Toot. You don't need to change yourself for me. You shouldn't have to change yourself for any guy.
Toot: (sarcastically) Thanks, Dr. Phil!
Hero: Just hear me out. Toot, you are the most spirited, passionate woman I have ever known. And maybe it makes things hard for you sometimes, but deep down I think you like being that way. And you shouldn't have to change that. It's who you are! (Toot looks at Hero, but says nothing.) So instead of trying to tone down your feisty side so you can be with me... maybe you need to dump my sorry ass and find yourself a guy who LIKES women with some fire in them!
Toot: (starting to lighten up) Yeah. You're right. I shouldn't have to change who I am at all! Maybe I am too passionate... but you know what? I *like* being that way! It's who I am!
Hero: That's right!
Toot: And I do deserve a guy who'll appreciate me the way I am!
Hero: You sure do!
Toot: So, Hero... (She turns to Hero and gently puts her hand on his hand.) I'm sorry to have to do this, but... I'm breaking up with you.
Hero: You bet you are!
Both Hero and Toot smile sweetly. Toot takes her hand off Hero's. The two resume their positions.
Hero: Wow... I can't believe I just got dumped by Toot!
Toot: You did!
Hero: I bet I'm the hottest guy you've ever dumped!
Toot: You are! (Hero beams.) Of course, you should know that essentially just means you're hotter than Manny the Wino who lives under the bridge.
Hero: You dated Manny the Wino?
Toot: Hey, you know how guys who smell like gin turn me on!
Hero: Right. (They resume looking at their menus.) Hey, I just thought of something. After you and Xandir had sex... did he specifically tell you he didn't want to sleep with you anymore?
Toot: Well, no...
Hero: So technically, you dumped him too!
Toot: (beginning to smile again) Hey, you're right, I did! (She continues to smile.) Wow... so that makes TWO housemates I've slept with... and subsequently dumped! (She thinks for a moment.) I think I'll go after Spanky next.
Hero: Toot, you are such a little heartbreaker!
Toot: (giggling) I am, aren't I? (They both sigh yet again. They pause for a moment.)
Hero: (finally breaking the silence) Wow. Would you look at this? I guess the two of us ended up bonding after all!
Toot: I guess we did.
Hero: So... you want to go back to trying to date? (Toot looks at Hero.) Back to being friends with benefits? (Toot gives Hero a "you serious?" look.) Back to being just friends who occasionally see each other naked?
Toot: Yeah. I think that would be best.
Hero: Sounds good! (The two go back to looking at their menus. After a moment, Hero puts his menu down.) So are you sorry we did this?
Toot: Did what?
Hero: This whole affair. Are you sorry we slept together?
Toot: Oh, not at all! I mean, maybe it didn't work out in the end, but it was good while it lasted. I definitely think I'm better off for having the experience. (She pauses.) And I think it did wonders for my self-esteem!
Hero: Really?
Toot: Yeah. It was just what I needed after that whole fiasco with Xandir!
Hero: Right.
Toot: You know, I know it's petty of me, but... I still can't help but be a little mad at him. I mean, the nerve of him, to toss me a mercy screw and then right afterward tell me that's what he did! I mean, geez... was that supposed to make me feel better about myself? Well, it didn't! All it made me feel was, I'm such a loser that a GAY guy tossed me a mercy screw!
Hero: You know... if you're still mad at Xandir about that whole mess... I think I can help get him back for you!
Toot: (becoming eager) Really? (She grins evilly.) What do you have in mind?
Hero: Between you and me, I think Xandir has a crush on me. Well, I'll lead Xandir on and make him fall in love with me... and then I'll just start messing with him!
Toot: Oh, come on, Hero! You really think that will work?
Hero: Oh, don't worry, I can totally sell it! I'll just make up some crap about how I'm "exploring my gay side". (He begins using a more feminine voice.) "It's not me, Xandir- it's my other personality! Um... Tim... Tommerson! Yeah, that's it! My friend Tim Tommerson!". Come on, Xandir is totally gullible! He'll believe anything!
Toot laughs. Hero smiles at her. He places his hand on hers. The two smile at each other. From behind them, we hear someone's throat clearing. They turn.
Waiter: (very impatient) So... are you guys ever going to order?
Toot and Hero nod and pick up their menus. The scene fades back to the present.
Toot: And that's what happened. Honestly.
Spanky: Wait. So you two were hot and heavy for the better part of a week and none of the rest of us knew anything about it?
Toot: Like I said- we got really good at hiding!
Clara: Wait- you two slept together again a couple of weeks later when we did the afterschool special. How did-
Toot: Bonus night!
Clara: Ah. Of course.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero, is your IQ really 53? That seems pretty low.
Hero: Well, between you and me, Wooldoor, I think the fact that I was completely wasted when I took the test might have skewed the results.
Wooldoor: Gee, you think?
Toot: (turning to Marty) I hope you're not mad, Marty.
Marty: Mad? Why would I be mad? You had an affair with Hero, it didn't work out. It happens.
Toot: I know. I'm just sorry I never told you.
Marty: Don't worry, Toot. I know you weren't trying to keep it a secret from me. You'd have told me if you'd felt it was important.
Toot: Thanks for understanding.
Marty: And Hero was right. You DID eventually find a guy who likes your fiery side!
Toot: (smiling) I did, didn't I?
Toot and Marty embrace and begin to kiss.
Toot: (pulling back from the kiss, but still embracing Marty and looking into his eyes) So what are we, Marty? Just friends? Friends with benefits?
Marty: We're friends with every benefit in the book, baby!
Toot giggles, then resumes kissing Marty very passionately.
Hero: (turning to Foxxy) Foxxy, I'm sorry I never told you about me and Toot. I wasn't trying to hide what happened, honest!
Foxxy: It's all right, Hero. I remember when we first got together, I said I didn't care about who all you slept with before me. And I don't.
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy.
Foxxy: I mean, if we was gonna start telling the names of everybody we'd had sex with in our lives... we'd both be here a while!
Hero: We sure would!
Foxxy: So you don't have to talk about sleeping with Toot, and I don't have to talk about sleeping with Wooldoor.
Hero: That's right, you- (Suddenly alarmed, Hero turns.) Wait- Wooldoor?
Everyone turns and looks at Foxxy. She becomes slightly embarrassed.
Foxxy: Oops!
Everyone stares at Foxxy for a moment. Finally, Spanky approaches her.
Spanky: Foxxy?
Foxxy: What is it, Spanky?
Spanky: I think you know what.
Foxxy: (sighs) Well... all right. (She glances around the room, waving her hand.) Okay, gather round, y'all. Looks like it's the Foxxy's turn to tell a story! (The others all position themselves comfortably, looking at Foxxy eagerly. Hero kicks his feet up behind him.) It was right after that mess with my bandmates. I was feeling depressed, and so...
As Foxxy continues telling her story, the scene fades.
THE END