Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jul 22, 2008 22:45:41 GMT -5
IMPERFECT MATCH
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see the housemates minus Toot gathered around watching TV.
Desiree: (on TV) Ted?
Ted: Yes, Desiree?
Desiree clasps Ted's hand.
Desiree: (whispering seductively) I want you inside me.
Ted: (whispering seductively) I want the same thing.
Desiree: (whispering) Thanks.
At that moment, Desiree suddenly leans across the table and swallows Ted in one bite, similar to what Toot did with Wooldoor in "Captain Girl". She rubs her tummy and smiles. The scene cuts back to the housemates watching the show. Toot walks in holding a large binder. Marty follows her.
Toot: All right, you guys! Guess what it's time for!
Spanky: (sighs) All right.
One by one, they all get up. Everyone except Clara begins to disrobe. Clara walks over to Toot holding a piece of paper.
Clara: Um, I have a doctor's note... (Toot becomes very irritated.)
Toot: Not that, assbags! I meant that it's time to go over my wedding plans again!
Xandir: Ohhhh... okay!
Everyone puts their clothes back on and sits back down.
Toot: Thank you. Now, then. Marty and I have finally worked out everything we want for the reception, so I thought if it was okay with you guys, we'd go over it right now.
Marty: And by "Marty and I", she means just her.
Toot: That's right. So before we begin, does anyone have any last minute requests?
Spanky: (holding his hand up) Have you given any more thought to-
Toot: No, Spanky, the bridesmaids cannot dress like strippers!
Spanky: Well, to be fair, they'd only be dressed that way for a little while.
Toot: Okay, let me rephrase my last question. Does anyone have any last minute requests that I haven't already shot down 50 times?
Wooldoor: (holding his hand up) You've only shot down MY request 49 times!
Toot: Okay, then. Go ahead, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Can I perform the ceremony wearing an Indiana Jones hat and holding a bullwhip?
Toot: No! And that's 50. Now you can't ask anymore.
Wooldoor: (sighs) I just thought that way Whiskers could be involved in the ceremony.
Toot: I'm sorry, Wooldoor, but your pet snake will have to stay at home. I don't want any slimy reptiles at my wedding... except my Uncle Steve. So anyway- are you guys ready to hear about everything I want on my special day?
Clara: That's fine, Toot. But in the interests of fairness, I think you also need to give Marty a chance to tell us about he wants on HIS special day!
Marty: Thanks, Clara. (He reaches over and puts his arm around Toot.) But all *I* want is for Toot to be there. And if she is... then that day will be as special as I could have ever hoped for!
Everyone is touched.
Toot: Awwww, Marty! (Suddenly her expression changes to one of extreme annoyance. She pulls away from Marty and punches him very hard in the shoulder. Marty winces.) Goddammit, Marty! Now you're making me look bad!
Marty: All I meant was-
Toot: I know, I know. All you meant was "I want what Toot wants, and blah blah blah and I'm so nice and giving and blah blah blah and I'm just such a perfect boyfriend and-"
Marty puts his hands on Toot's shoulders and turns her toward him.
Marty: Toot?
Toot: Yes?
Marty grasps Toot and leans her back in the typical romantic fashion.
Marty: Shut the hell up.
Before Toot can protest, Marty proceeds to give her a long, passionate kiss. The housemates look on with "awwww" expressions.
Toot: Wow, Marty. Maybe you ARE the perfect boyfriend!
Marty: Maybe I am!
Toot: Hey, Marty. Your middle name isn't Stu, is it?
Marty: No, why?
Toot: Never mind.
As Toot and Marty kiss again, the other housemates turn to each other, confused.
Spanky: Stu?
Ling-Ling: No ask Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling no understand crazy American fanfiction terminology!
As Toot and Marty continue to kiss, the scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene fades back up on the living room. Toot sits on the couch with her binder open. The others are all gathered around her attentively.
Toot: (pointing at a page in the binder) And the dancing horses enter through here-
Hero: Horses?
Toot: Oh, yeah! There'll be horses and a net and a man on fire!
Marty: I'm gonna stab a guy with a trident!
Toot: They'll be followed by the marching band and the Dwarf Actors Guild dressed up as leprechauns.
Foxxy: Leprechauns?
Marty: I'm Irish. Toot thought it would be cute.
Toot: (suddenly turning to Wooldoor) Wooldoor, where did you get a hand grenade?
Wooldoor: I don't know!
Toot: (returning to the binder) Anyway... while all that's going on, Hero and Xandir will be busy setting up the Cool Whip fountain. Now then, here's a blueprint for the stage.
Hero: Why do we need a blueprint for the stage?
Toot: Well, you need to know where the studs are.
Clara: Studs? (Spanky begins to say something. Without even looking at him, Toot responds appropriately.)
Toot: (simultaneous with Spanky) I got yer studs right here!
Spanky: Hey! What's the big idea?
Toot: Spanky, we all knew what you were going to say! Could you BE any more predictable?
Wooldoor: Yeah, Spanky!
Spanky: Fine. So why do we need to know where the studs are?
Toot: That stage can only hold a certain amount of weight. We're going to have to be very careful where we place all the large multimedia equipment or the whole thing'll collapse!
Foxxy: My turn. Multimedia equipment?
Toot: Oh, yeah, there's the 30-foot multi-angle projection screens on each side of the stage, not to mention all the amps and speakers! Oh. And the pyrotechnics. (The housemates begin to get confused. At that moment, the phone rings. Wooldoor gets up to go answer it.)
Clara: Pyrotechnics? Toot, momentarily forgetting whether it'll even be possible to squeeze all that INTO that tiny courtyard-
Spanky: What's the matter, Clara? Is Morningwood not big enough?
Clara: Spanky, Morningwood is very tiny. You know that. (Spanky snickers.) What in God's name is so funny about that, Spanky?
Spanky: I'm sorry, Clara. I really shouldn't laugh.
Clara: Thank you.
Spanky: There's absolutely nothing funny at all about tiny Morningwood. (He very visibly restrains another laugh. Clara looks at him with a combination of confusion and disgust.)
Clara: Anyway. (She turns back to Toot.) Putting all that aside- Toot, are you aware how much all this is going to cost?
Toot: Why do I need to worry about that? It's not MY money! The show's paying for it all!
At that moment, Wooldoor walks back over to the group.
Wooldoor: Hey, Toot. That was the producer. He says the show won't be paying for your wedding. (Immediately, Toot's eyes grow wide. She gasps.)
Toot: (turning to Wooldoor) He what?
Spanky: (thinking) Did I say "Nothing can possibly go wrong"? I don't think I did.
Toot remains staring in disbelief for a moment. The scene immediately cuts to the Jew Producer's office. He sits at his desk talking on the phone.
Jew Producer: That's right, baby! Just say the word and you're the ninth housemate! Just send me a copy of your résumé. And you realize that by résumé, I mean a naked photo of yourself. All right, sounds good! I'll talk to you later! (He hangs up the phone. A very angry Toot bursts in.)
Toot: All right, Mr. Jew Producer, I've got a bone to pick with you!
Jew Producer: Ooh, the house bitch has come to complain about something! That's a new one!
Toot: I want to know why the hell the show isn't paying for my wedding!
Jew Producer: Please. You honestly think we're obligated to pay for every little expense you incur?
Toot: Yes. Isn't that the point of the show?
Jew Producer: The point of the show is to draw ratings. And Toot, I hate to say it, but- no, actually that's wrong. I *enjoy* saying it. Toot, I'm afraid that *your* wedding just doesn't bring in the ratings we're looking for! You're hardly one of our more popular characters, after all.
Toot: But this isn't fair! You paid for Clara's wedding. And *she* tops the least favorite character poll every year!
Jew Producer: Yes, well... I thought that once Clara was married that she might show her boobs more on the show. (He becomes reflective.) Oh, did I miss the boat on that one! (He regroups.) But the point is, nobody in TV Land cares about the fat chick getting married to some noname!
Toot: I thought you might say that. (She turns toward the doorway.) Oh, Foxxy... (Foxxy enters.)
Jew Producer: Let me guess. Is Foxxy Love going to try to show me the error of my ways? I'm sorry, Foxxy, but you can skip the Amazing Grace speech. I don't understand ebonics anyway.
Foxxy: Mr. Jew Producer, you say that you won't pay for Toot's wedding because she isn't a popular enough character. Is that correct?
Jew Producer: That's correct.
Foxxy: Well, as it happens, I am getting married to Captain Hero. And the both of us is vurrrry popular. Admittedly, we ain't as popular as Xandir, but still- we's popular. Does that mean you'll pay for OUR wedding?
Jew Producer: Why, of course I'll pay for your wedding, Foxxy!
Toot: (becoming excited) Excellent!
Jew Producer: Provided, of course, you don't suddenly decide to have a double wedding with Toot so as to trick me into paying for HER wedding too! (Foxxy and Toot both wince.)
Foxxy and Toot: Goddammit!
Toot: Oh, well, Foxxy. Thanks for trying.
Jew Producer: Oh, all right. Fine, you got me. I'll pay for your wedding. (Toot throws her arms up in the air elatedly. The Producer takes out his checkbook and fills out a check.) Here. (He hands the check to Toot.) This should cover everything.
Toot: Woohoo! (She takes the check. However, her excitement quickly changes to disbelief as soon as she looks at the check.) What the hell? Eighty-five dollars?
Jew Producer: Yes. That should cover the processing fees and your cab fare to and from City Hall. And if there's anything left over, you can buy an ice cream sundae at Baskin-Robbins to celebrate.
Toot: City Hall? Are you kidding me? (Toot sighs in frustration, then regroups.) All right. That's okay. I was afraid it might come to this. (She turns toward the doorway again.) Oh, Xan- (Foxxy quickly nudges Toot) I mean... Clara!
At that point, Xandir walks in the door dressed as Clara. He smiles at the Jew Producer.
Jew Producer: Oh, no, you don't! I'm not going for THIS again!
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Jew Producer: Every time you guys have a complaint of some sort, you think you can buy me off by sending Clara over here to perform oral sex on me so I'll give you what you want. Well... no more!
Xandir: Do you not like my oral sex? But I'm so good at it!
Foxxy: (whispering to Xandir) Try to sound a little more like Clara, okay?
Xandir: Um, I mean... (He raises his fist in the air.) Jews suck!
Jew Producer: Yes. Well. Be that as it may. (Foxxy glares at the producer. She starts to raise a finger at him, but he stops her.) Don't start, Foxxy. I own this show, so I retain the rights to all your catchphrases!
Foxxy: Fine.
Jew Producer: But as I was saying, I don't need any more oral sex from Clara. Now that I've joined this new computer dating service, I get all the sex I could ever hope for- oral or otherwise!
Xandir: But-
Jew Producer: No buts!
Toot: Ooh, that's something Xandir doesn't like to hear!
Jew Producer: So sorry, but you won't be buying me off with sexual favors any longer! (He gets up from his desk and walks over to Foxxy. He leers at her seductively.) Unless you'd be willing to do that thing we talked about that one time!
Foxxy: I'd sooner tear your heart out of your chest and trample it with my high-heeled boots!
Jew Producer: No thanks, I'm not into rough sex. (He turns to the others.) Well, I'll see you guys later. I've got a hot date waiting for me- and it's all thanks to the Revolving Door Dating Agency! Ta ta! (Waving at them, he turns and walks out the door. Foxxy, Toot and Xandir stand around looking at each other.)
Foxxy: Now do you believe that?
Toot: Goddammit! I don't think I've ever been this pissed off about something!
Xandir: Is this where we cut to a montage of all the various times Toot's been really pissed off about something?
Toot: No time for that, Xandir. We've got to think!
Foxxy: All right, y'all. Let's look at this situation analytically. Now normally, whenever the producer won't give us what we want, we buy him off with sexual favors.
Toot: Right. But now that he's joined this computer dating service, he doesn't need our sexual favors anymore.
Foxxy: Right. So what we have to do is make him need our sexual favors again. Therefore... we gots to sabotage the success he's having with this computer dating service!
Toot: Perfect! (She grabs an axe and holds it threateningly.) We'll go down to that agency and smash all their computers to bits! (She laughs maniacally.) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Foxxy: Or... we could just hack into their database and start setting him up with a bunch of icky girls!
Toot: (putting the axe down) Yeah, that might be more practical.
Foxxy: Now, then, given that Spanky is FROM the internet, I'm sure HE'D be able to do it for us!
Cut to Spanky sitting at his computer.
Spanky: I have no idea how to hack into the database!
Toot: Oh, come on, Spanky, how can you not know how to hack something? You're an internet character!
Spanky: Hey, I'm strictly the on-air talent- I have no idea how the stuff behind the scenes works! (Toot and Foxxy sigh.) Now if you need me to look up some porn for you- now THERE I might be able to help you out.
Toot: No, thanks, Spanky. (She walks away frustrated.)
Spanky: Suit yourself. (He turns back to the computer. Foxxy is still standing there. After a moment, Spanky notices her presence and turns to her.)
Foxxy: Japanese schoolgirl midget porn. Now where would I- (Toot walks back over.)
Toot: Foxxy!
Foxxy: (to Spanky) We'll talk later.
Spanky: I'll tell you guys what. I can keep working on this for you. Maybe I'll figure out a way to hack the system for you.
Toot: Thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: Now what's the name of that place again?
Toot: The Revolving Door Computer Dating Agency.
Spanky: You wouldn't know what the website address would be, would you?
Toot: Haven't got a clue.
Spanky: Let's try something. Okay... (He begins typing.) We'll try... www dot lonely losers who can't get a date in the real world or possibly creepy pedophile stalkers in search of their next victims... dot com. (We hear a bleep from the computer.) Oh, that was it!
Toot: So now what do we do?
Spanky: Well, given that the menu doesn't give you an option for "hack into the system", I'm kind of at a loss here.
Toot: Well, maybe once you navigate through all the pop-up ads and finally get to the main menu, it'll be a little clearer. What's the point of all those ads anyway?
Spanky: It's how they make their money, Toot. Well, that and merchandise.
Toot: Well, yeah, I can see that for SOME of them. But some of these ads are for the site itself! What's the point of that? I mean, you're already there!
Foxxy: I guess they want to make sure you don't leave.
Toot: (sarcastically) Leave? Why would I ever want to leave this site? Especially when they're offering fantastic deals like, "The Adultery Package- sign up for a membership and your cheating partner gets a 50% discount!"
Foxxy: Yeah, or this one. "The Catholic Priest Package- half-height means half-price!"
Toot: (laughing) I know! Or this one. "The Matrimony Package- if you and your selected partner as chosen by our computers end up getting married, Revolving Door will pay for your entire wedding!" (Toot suddenly stops laughing.) Oh, my God.
Foxxy: Toot, is you thinking what I think you's thinking?
Toot does not answer. She stands silent for a moment, lost in thought. Suddenly an evil grin breaks out across her face. She begins to laugh maniacally.
Foxxy: Okay. You are.
Toot looks at Foxxy, still grinning. The scene fades.
The scene fades back up on the living room. Toot, Marty, Foxxy, and Hero are gathered around talking.
Toot (in confessional): (still grinning wickedly) And so... we began to hatch our plan. (She begins rubbing her fingers together.) Hee hee hee!
Suddenly Wooldoor pops out from behind the confessional chair.
Wooldoor (in confessional): Yeah! They're all gonna die! (He cocks a revolver.)
Toot (in confessional): Wrong episode, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I'm sorry, the moment just seemed so similar! (He looks at her.) Does that mean no candy this time?
Cut back to the living room.
Toot: And then we announce our engagement, Revolving Door has another success story to promote, and best of all, we get a free wedding!
Marty: Well, it does SEEM like a sound plan.
Toot: Of course it is!
Foxxy: Now hold on a minute, Toot. It said in the ad that you and your partner had to be chosen by the computers. How are you going to make sure you and Marty get set up with one another?
Toot: I was just thinking I'd serial date for a while until Marty's turn came up. I mean, I'm sure they'd put him with me sooner or later! (Marty looks alarmed. Toot turns to him.) Don't worry. I promise I won't put out.
Marty: Uh... thanks.
Hero: Or... when you're filling out your survey and they ask what kind of guy you're looking for, you could just describe Marty!
Toot: Hey, yeah! And if he describes me on HIS survey... why, they couldn't ask for a more perfect match than that!
Hero: And that little questionnaire they do... you could just make sure that all your answers match Marty's!
Toot: How are we going to do that? We don't even know what the questions are going to be.
Hero: I know! Foxxy and I will go in first. I'll use my mind-reading ability to find out what her answers are and then I'll tailor mine to match hers. THEN we'll come back and tell you two what the questions are!
Marty: Or... Toot and I could just take the test at different times and we could tell each OTHER what the questions are.
Toot: No, we need to take the test at the same time. I don't want to risk either of us getting paired up with someone else while the other is still waiting to take the test.
Marty: It just seems to me that my way leaves a smaller gap for sitcom-ish misunderstandings.
Toot: Then it's settled- we'll do it Hero's way! You and Foxxy can go take the test-
Foxxy: Now hold up! Who said that the Foxxy even wanted to be a part of this?
Toot: You want Hero to register for a dating service by himself?
Foxxy: Point taken.
Hero: And besides, Foxxy- we can get them to pay for OUR wedding too!
Foxxy: But the Jew Producer already promised me he'd pay for our wedding!
Toot: And as we all know, his promises are soooooooooo reliable!
Foxxy: Good point. (She turns to Hero.) I'm in.
Toot (in confessional): So Hero and Foxxy went down to the agency to take their tests. Naturally, Hero didn't remember what any of the questions were, but thankfully, Foxxy wrote them down on her vagina. (She pauses for a moment. She then looks directly at the camera.) You don't want to know.
Cut to a strip mall downtown. We see Toot and Marty walking down the sidewalk. They stop in front of a small building. The sign on the glass has the words "Domino's Pizza" crossed out with the words "Revolving Door Computer Dating Agency" written underneath. Toot and Marty look at each other.
Toot: Marty, I have a bad feeling about this. You don't suppose...?
Marty: No. It's impossible.
Toot begins to open the door, but stops.
Toot: Maybe the two of us shouldn't enter at the same time. I mean, we kind of want to look like we're not already together.
Marty: Good idea. You go in first.
Toot nods and steps inside cautiously. Immediately, the smile leaves her face.
Toot: Oh, fuck me.
The camera cuts to reveal that behind the counter is none other than Chad. He responds to Toot with his usual perkiness.
Chad: Toot! Long time no see!
Toot: Hi, Chad. (She sighs in frustration.)
Chad: So what brings you here today? Oh, let me guess. You came here for a pizza. Yeah, sorry, but they don't make those here anymore. I know the pizza ovens are still here, but I'm using them to dry my clothes. (He pulls out a small moldy canister from behind the counter.) There's still some pepperoni here if you want, though!
As Toot continues to just stare, Marty enters.
Chad: Marty! (As soon as Marty sees Chad, his face immediately forms a scowl.)
Marty: Oh, dear God!
Chad: Wow! I'm just running into all kinds of old friends here today!
Marty: You have friends?
Chad: Well... I mean friends as in people I know somewhat well. I've really only had a couple of TRUE friends in my life. Of course, that one guy did hang himself, but I don't think that was COMPLETELY my fault... I'm sure that suicide note accusing me of ruining his life was mostly tongue in cheek. (He laughs.) That Doug was such a cut-up! And then there was Ahmed, my pen pal in Iraq. You know, I haven't heard from him in a while. I wonder if he got that suicide bomber position he was applying for...
Marty: Chad, how the hell is it you keep being not brutally murdered?
Chad: You got me! So what are you here today for, Marty? Toot came by for a pizza. I guess she didn't realize we don't sell those anymore! But hey, when you're a compulsive overeater like she is, I guess you find it hard to think about anything but food! (He looks at Toot.) Have you ever thought about checking into a support group?
Toot: That's it. (She turns around and begins to walk out.) I don't need a free wedding THIS badly!
Chad: Toot, come back! Where are you going? (He suddenly realizes.) Oh, wait! You came here to sign up for our dating service, didn't you? (Toot turns around.)
Toot: (making donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Chad: Oh, how foolish do I look now!
Marty: (holding up his hand eagerly) Ooh! Can I answer?
Chad: Here, come on. (He motions Toot back to the counter. Reluctantly, she walks back. Chad hands a piece of paper to both Toot and Marty.) Here are your applications... (he hands them each another piece of paper) and here are your basic surveys where you indicate what type of person you're looking for. Now if you'll give me a moment, I'll be right back with your questionnaires! (He turns and starts to walk away. Marty calls him back.)
Marty: Actually, I came here for a pizza.
Chad: Oh, I'm sorry, but we don't sell those anymore! (He holds up the moldy canister he showed Toot earlier.) We have some pepperoni, though!
Marty groans. At that moment, Helen walks in the door and up to the counter.
Helen: Excuse me. I'd like to sign up for your dating service.
Chad: Certainly. Now are you looking to meet a man or a woman?
Helen stares for a moment, confused.
Helen: I... I don't know!
Helen covers her face with her hands and breaks down in tears. As Helen continues to sob, Toot and Marty look at her with pity.
Toot (in confessional): Marty and I took our quizzes, and then we were told that the agency would contact us as soon as we'd been matched up with dates. In the meantime, we found out that the same agency also runs a video dating service as well. Unfortunately, the wedding promotion is only available to couples who are matched by computer. But just for curiosity's sake, Marty, Foxxy, Hero, and I thought we'd check out some other people's videos.
A montage of other customers' videos begins. The videos are all seen one after another.
Denise: Hello, my name is Denise. What kind of guy am I looking for? Someone who's into sex... and someone who has at least a few hundred dollars. If you have less, we can negotiate, it'll just have to be a very short date. And I *am* willing to do bondage, only so long as it's *you* who gets dominated. (She pauses for a minute.) And it'll cost extra. (She pauses again for a minute.) And I don't do oral. (She pauses yet again.) And if you ask me to clean your kitchen, I'll kick your ass. (She pauses.) And then I'll charge you an extra $50 for it.
Mad Libber: Hello! They call me the (name)! I'm looking to meet an attractive (noun) for casual (noun) and discreet (plural noun). I have a gigantic (part of body) and I know how to (verb) it. So just give me a (noun) and I'll (verb) your (part of body or other noun that sounds just as kinky)!
Charlotte the spider: (desperately, with her phone number stitched into her web behind her) Call me!!!
Captain She-Ro: Hi. I'm a single mom with a special needs child who is looking for a man who's attractive, courteous, and well-educated... and preferably one I'm not related to. Ability to overlook my man hands is a must. For our date, I think we should go to Trader Joe's.
Child Services: Hi there. (She begins speaking in a seductive semi-whisper.) I want to give birth to your babies... and then take them away from you!
Strawberry Sweetcake: Hewwo! I'm Strawberry Sweetcake! I'm actually 18, but my small stature and little girl-like appearance appeal to your inner pedophile! (seductively) I go down like candy!
Monkey Man: *looks around, confused*
Board of Education: I'm the Board of Education. I've been so busy trying to keep blacks from passing the SATs that I haven't had time to date. Ironically enough, I only have sex with black women.
Pregnant Bubbles: My name is Bubbles, and I need a new baby daddy!
Maury Povich: I'm Maury, and I'll tell you who your baby daddy is! Cause it'll be ME!
Bleh: "A date with Bleh is a rollercoaster of emotions- but only the good ones!" raves Lou Lumenick of the New York Post. "Bleh never fails to keep romantic partners satisfied!" raves Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times. "Bleh is worth the price of admission!" raves Adam Nayman of Eye Weekly. "Contrived, manipulative, and shamelessly sentimental- but boy, the sex is fantastic!" raves Peter Travers from Rolling Stone. "Bleh reduces all men who are unlucky enough not to date her to a mugging embarrassment!" raves (she becomes excited) Mike Clark of USA TODAY!!!
Dumpy the Medical Waste Man: KILL ME!!! No, seriously, kill me! I'm REALLY into hardcore S&M!
Tori Spelling: (looks confused) What did I do?
Boner: Hi, I'm Boner from Growing Pains. And I'm looking for a woman who can give me a good me!
The camera cuts back to the four rolling their eyes. The scene fades.
Foxxy (in confessional): A couple of days later, Chad called us to tell us that they'd found matches for all of us. Toot smiled all smugly in that way she always does whenever she knows her plan is going to work. And did it work? (She raises her eyebrows and looks directly at the camera.) What do YOU think?
Cut to Foxxy, Hero, Toot, and Marty standing at the agency counter. Chad walks out.
Chad: All right, everybody! Here are your matches!
Chad hands each of them a piece of paper. Each person is smiling as they take their form, but upon looking at it, their looks change to shock and disbelief.
Toot: What the hell? I'm not matched with Marty!
Chad: That's right!
Marty: And I'm not matched with Toot!
Chad: No, you're not, are you?
Foxxy: And I can't believe you didn't put me with Captain Hero!
Everyone turns to Captain Hero expecting him to pitch in with his own complaint. However, Hero stands there looking at the paper confused. The others wait patiently for a moment. Finally, Foxxy speaks up.
Foxxy: Captain Hero?
Hero looks up from the paper and turns to Foxxy.
Hero: (holding out the paper) Foxxy, is this you? (Foxxy pauses for a moment in disbelief.)
Foxxy: No, that ain't me!
Hero: How do you know? It doesn't give any names on here!
Foxxy: Well, for one thing, it says I'm a 34-year-old white woman!
Hero: Oh, that's your age and race? (He looks up, surprised.) I thought this paper was suggesting potential roleplaying fantasies!
Foxxy: (to Chad) It says here that my date is three foot six. I thought I told you assholes I didn't want to be set up with Prince anymore! (She turns to Toot.) So what kind of lame-ass did they set you up with, Toot?
Toot: (looking at the paper intently) Actually... now that I look at this, maybe it isn't so bad. I think there's a chance they may have set me up with Marty after all!
Marty: Really?
Toot: Yeah! It says that my date is a 24-year-old man of average build and Irish heritage! Just like Marty is!
Foxxy: Yes, but Toot, it also says that he's six feet tall.
Toot looks at Marty coyly.
Marty: I didn't lie about my height on my application.
Toot: (wincing) Crap! (She turns to Chad angrily.) All right, Chad, what's the deal? What was the point of taking those quizzes if you were just going to ignore the results and set us up with whoever?
Chad: What are you talking about, Toot? We used the results of your tests to determine your matches!
Toot: But my answers and Marty's matched perfectly!
Marty: And these people don't sound like they match us very well at all!
Chad: Well, of course not! We here at Revolving Door believe that opposites attract! That's why we took the results of your tests and matched you up with the people whose answers were the most different from yours. We believe that variety is a key ingredient in a strong relationship.
Foxxy: Well, WE believe that common ground is an even MORE important ingredient!
Chad: Foxxy, if I had to date someone who was just like me, I think I'd kill myself!
Marty: Chad, I think ANYONE who dates you would feel like that.
Toot: Well, you know what, Chad? We're not interested. (She hands him back the form.) Here. Now take these back and bring us four more tests so we can do it RIGHT this time!
Chad: Sorry, Toot, but I can't do that. Revolving Door rules state that you have to go on at least one date with each match before you're allowed to retest.
Toot: Oh, that is such bulltoot! You know what I think, Chad? I think you do it this way on purpose. You lure people into joining your service by offering the wedding promotion and then you deliberately set them up with people you know they won't be compatible with just so you won't ever have to pay up on it!
Hero: (pointing at Chad menacingly) Fool me once, Chad, shame on you. Fool me twice... double shame on you!
Chad: Hey, I promise you, we're seriously trying to make matches here! For instance, the other day, I set up an 18-year-old virgin with this chainsaw wielding serial killer! (He thinks.) Actually... maybe that wasn't one of our wiser pairings. It ended kinda brutally.
Cut to a restaurant. The chainsaw killer, covered in blood, sits at the dinner table revving up his chainsaw. The girl looks at him.
Girl: Sorry, but I don't do oral.
The chainsaw killer looks down with a hangdog expression on his face. Still frowning, he gets up from the table and sadly walks out of the restaurant. The other patrons look at the girl with disapproval.
Girl: What? What did I do?
As the girl continues to look confused, the other restaurant patrons turn away. The scene changes back to the dating agency.
Foxxy: You know what? Fine. Let's just do this. (The others turn to her surprised.)
Toot: Foxxy, are you serious? You actually think we should go on dates with other people?
Foxxy: The thing just says we have to go on one date. We'll go have dinner with these people, we'll have a bad time, we'll go home. Then tomorrow we'll come back here and do it RIGHT.
Hero: Will we put out? (Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment.)
Foxxy: No!
Toot: Foxxy, are you sure about this?
Foxxy: Yes, Toot. Putting out would definitely be a bad idea.
Toot: No, I meant about following through with this plan.
Foxxy: You were the one that was wanting a free wedding, weren't you?
Toot: Well...
Foxxy: You want the dancing leprechauns or not?
Toot: (turning to Marty) I *do* want the dancing leprechauns, Marty. (She sighs.) Okay. Fine. (She turns to Chad.) Okay, Chad. You win. We'll go on dates with these people.
Chad: Perfect! (He looks at the group.) Now are you guys aware that if you end up getting married, Revolving Door will pay for your wedding?
Toot glares at Chad. She then steps toward him with her hands outstretched as if to strangle him. Foxxy pulls her back.
Foxxy: No, Toot!
Toot: But Foxxy, he deserves it!
Foxxy: No, Toot. You need to go home and get your brass knuckles first. That way it'll be more painful for him!
Toot: Ooh, yeah, good idea!
Still giving Chad evil looks, the others turn and walk out. Chad looks confused for a moment, then shrugs. He then turns around and pulls a pizza out of the large pizza oven behind him. As he eats a slice of pizza, Angelina Jolie walks in.
Angelina: Excuse me. Have any of your matches produced babies yet?
Chad: Not yet!
Angelina: Damn! I'm tired of having to grow my own! (She looks at Chad.) Are there any Mexican couples in your files? I don't have one of THOSE yet.
Chad shrugs. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see the housemates minus Toot gathered around watching TV.
Desiree: (on TV) Ted?
Ted: Yes, Desiree?
Desiree clasps Ted's hand.
Desiree: (whispering seductively) I want you inside me.
Ted: (whispering seductively) I want the same thing.
Desiree: (whispering) Thanks.
At that moment, Desiree suddenly leans across the table and swallows Ted in one bite, similar to what Toot did with Wooldoor in "Captain Girl". She rubs her tummy and smiles. The scene cuts back to the housemates watching the show. Toot walks in holding a large binder. Marty follows her.
Toot: All right, you guys! Guess what it's time for!
Spanky: (sighs) All right.
One by one, they all get up. Everyone except Clara begins to disrobe. Clara walks over to Toot holding a piece of paper.
Clara: Um, I have a doctor's note... (Toot becomes very irritated.)
Toot: Not that, assbags! I meant that it's time to go over my wedding plans again!
Xandir: Ohhhh... okay!
Everyone puts their clothes back on and sits back down.
Toot: Thank you. Now, then. Marty and I have finally worked out everything we want for the reception, so I thought if it was okay with you guys, we'd go over it right now.
Marty: And by "Marty and I", she means just her.
Toot: That's right. So before we begin, does anyone have any last minute requests?
Spanky: (holding his hand up) Have you given any more thought to-
Toot: No, Spanky, the bridesmaids cannot dress like strippers!
Spanky: Well, to be fair, they'd only be dressed that way for a little while.
Toot: Okay, let me rephrase my last question. Does anyone have any last minute requests that I haven't already shot down 50 times?
Wooldoor: (holding his hand up) You've only shot down MY request 49 times!
Toot: Okay, then. Go ahead, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Can I perform the ceremony wearing an Indiana Jones hat and holding a bullwhip?
Toot: No! And that's 50. Now you can't ask anymore.
Wooldoor: (sighs) I just thought that way Whiskers could be involved in the ceremony.
Toot: I'm sorry, Wooldoor, but your pet snake will have to stay at home. I don't want any slimy reptiles at my wedding... except my Uncle Steve. So anyway- are you guys ready to hear about everything I want on my special day?
Clara: That's fine, Toot. But in the interests of fairness, I think you also need to give Marty a chance to tell us about he wants on HIS special day!
Marty: Thanks, Clara. (He reaches over and puts his arm around Toot.) But all *I* want is for Toot to be there. And if she is... then that day will be as special as I could have ever hoped for!
Everyone is touched.
Toot: Awwww, Marty! (Suddenly her expression changes to one of extreme annoyance. She pulls away from Marty and punches him very hard in the shoulder. Marty winces.) Goddammit, Marty! Now you're making me look bad!
Marty: All I meant was-
Toot: I know, I know. All you meant was "I want what Toot wants, and blah blah blah and I'm so nice and giving and blah blah blah and I'm just such a perfect boyfriend and-"
Marty puts his hands on Toot's shoulders and turns her toward him.
Marty: Toot?
Toot: Yes?
Marty grasps Toot and leans her back in the typical romantic fashion.
Marty: Shut the hell up.
Before Toot can protest, Marty proceeds to give her a long, passionate kiss. The housemates look on with "awwww" expressions.
Toot: Wow, Marty. Maybe you ARE the perfect boyfriend!
Marty: Maybe I am!
Toot: Hey, Marty. Your middle name isn't Stu, is it?
Marty: No, why?
Toot: Never mind.
As Toot and Marty kiss again, the other housemates turn to each other, confused.
Spanky: Stu?
Ling-Ling: No ask Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling no understand crazy American fanfiction terminology!
As Toot and Marty continue to kiss, the scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene fades back up on the living room. Toot sits on the couch with her binder open. The others are all gathered around her attentively.
Toot: (pointing at a page in the binder) And the dancing horses enter through here-
Hero: Horses?
Toot: Oh, yeah! There'll be horses and a net and a man on fire!
Marty: I'm gonna stab a guy with a trident!
Toot: They'll be followed by the marching band and the Dwarf Actors Guild dressed up as leprechauns.
Foxxy: Leprechauns?
Marty: I'm Irish. Toot thought it would be cute.
Toot: (suddenly turning to Wooldoor) Wooldoor, where did you get a hand grenade?
Wooldoor: I don't know!
Toot: (returning to the binder) Anyway... while all that's going on, Hero and Xandir will be busy setting up the Cool Whip fountain. Now then, here's a blueprint for the stage.
Hero: Why do we need a blueprint for the stage?
Toot: Well, you need to know where the studs are.
Clara: Studs? (Spanky begins to say something. Without even looking at him, Toot responds appropriately.)
Toot: (simultaneous with Spanky) I got yer studs right here!
Spanky: Hey! What's the big idea?
Toot: Spanky, we all knew what you were going to say! Could you BE any more predictable?
Wooldoor: Yeah, Spanky!
Spanky: Fine. So why do we need to know where the studs are?
Toot: That stage can only hold a certain amount of weight. We're going to have to be very careful where we place all the large multimedia equipment or the whole thing'll collapse!
Foxxy: My turn. Multimedia equipment?
Toot: Oh, yeah, there's the 30-foot multi-angle projection screens on each side of the stage, not to mention all the amps and speakers! Oh. And the pyrotechnics. (The housemates begin to get confused. At that moment, the phone rings. Wooldoor gets up to go answer it.)
Clara: Pyrotechnics? Toot, momentarily forgetting whether it'll even be possible to squeeze all that INTO that tiny courtyard-
Spanky: What's the matter, Clara? Is Morningwood not big enough?
Clara: Spanky, Morningwood is very tiny. You know that. (Spanky snickers.) What in God's name is so funny about that, Spanky?
Spanky: I'm sorry, Clara. I really shouldn't laugh.
Clara: Thank you.
Spanky: There's absolutely nothing funny at all about tiny Morningwood. (He very visibly restrains another laugh. Clara looks at him with a combination of confusion and disgust.)
Clara: Anyway. (She turns back to Toot.) Putting all that aside- Toot, are you aware how much all this is going to cost?
Toot: Why do I need to worry about that? It's not MY money! The show's paying for it all!
At that moment, Wooldoor walks back over to the group.
Wooldoor: Hey, Toot. That was the producer. He says the show won't be paying for your wedding. (Immediately, Toot's eyes grow wide. She gasps.)
Toot: (turning to Wooldoor) He what?
Spanky: (thinking) Did I say "Nothing can possibly go wrong"? I don't think I did.
Toot remains staring in disbelief for a moment. The scene immediately cuts to the Jew Producer's office. He sits at his desk talking on the phone.
Jew Producer: That's right, baby! Just say the word and you're the ninth housemate! Just send me a copy of your résumé. And you realize that by résumé, I mean a naked photo of yourself. All right, sounds good! I'll talk to you later! (He hangs up the phone. A very angry Toot bursts in.)
Toot: All right, Mr. Jew Producer, I've got a bone to pick with you!
Jew Producer: Ooh, the house bitch has come to complain about something! That's a new one!
Toot: I want to know why the hell the show isn't paying for my wedding!
Jew Producer: Please. You honestly think we're obligated to pay for every little expense you incur?
Toot: Yes. Isn't that the point of the show?
Jew Producer: The point of the show is to draw ratings. And Toot, I hate to say it, but- no, actually that's wrong. I *enjoy* saying it. Toot, I'm afraid that *your* wedding just doesn't bring in the ratings we're looking for! You're hardly one of our more popular characters, after all.
Toot: But this isn't fair! You paid for Clara's wedding. And *she* tops the least favorite character poll every year!
Jew Producer: Yes, well... I thought that once Clara was married that she might show her boobs more on the show. (He becomes reflective.) Oh, did I miss the boat on that one! (He regroups.) But the point is, nobody in TV Land cares about the fat chick getting married to some noname!
Toot: I thought you might say that. (She turns toward the doorway.) Oh, Foxxy... (Foxxy enters.)
Jew Producer: Let me guess. Is Foxxy Love going to try to show me the error of my ways? I'm sorry, Foxxy, but you can skip the Amazing Grace speech. I don't understand ebonics anyway.
Foxxy: Mr. Jew Producer, you say that you won't pay for Toot's wedding because she isn't a popular enough character. Is that correct?
Jew Producer: That's correct.
Foxxy: Well, as it happens, I am getting married to Captain Hero. And the both of us is vurrrry popular. Admittedly, we ain't as popular as Xandir, but still- we's popular. Does that mean you'll pay for OUR wedding?
Jew Producer: Why, of course I'll pay for your wedding, Foxxy!
Toot: (becoming excited) Excellent!
Jew Producer: Provided, of course, you don't suddenly decide to have a double wedding with Toot so as to trick me into paying for HER wedding too! (Foxxy and Toot both wince.)
Foxxy and Toot: Goddammit!
Toot: Oh, well, Foxxy. Thanks for trying.
Jew Producer: Oh, all right. Fine, you got me. I'll pay for your wedding. (Toot throws her arms up in the air elatedly. The Producer takes out his checkbook and fills out a check.) Here. (He hands the check to Toot.) This should cover everything.
Toot: Woohoo! (She takes the check. However, her excitement quickly changes to disbelief as soon as she looks at the check.) What the hell? Eighty-five dollars?
Jew Producer: Yes. That should cover the processing fees and your cab fare to and from City Hall. And if there's anything left over, you can buy an ice cream sundae at Baskin-Robbins to celebrate.
Toot: City Hall? Are you kidding me? (Toot sighs in frustration, then regroups.) All right. That's okay. I was afraid it might come to this. (She turns toward the doorway again.) Oh, Xan- (Foxxy quickly nudges Toot) I mean... Clara!
At that point, Xandir walks in the door dressed as Clara. He smiles at the Jew Producer.
Jew Producer: Oh, no, you don't! I'm not going for THIS again!
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Jew Producer: Every time you guys have a complaint of some sort, you think you can buy me off by sending Clara over here to perform oral sex on me so I'll give you what you want. Well... no more!
Xandir: Do you not like my oral sex? But I'm so good at it!
Foxxy: (whispering to Xandir) Try to sound a little more like Clara, okay?
Xandir: Um, I mean... (He raises his fist in the air.) Jews suck!
Jew Producer: Yes. Well. Be that as it may. (Foxxy glares at the producer. She starts to raise a finger at him, but he stops her.) Don't start, Foxxy. I own this show, so I retain the rights to all your catchphrases!
Foxxy: Fine.
Jew Producer: But as I was saying, I don't need any more oral sex from Clara. Now that I've joined this new computer dating service, I get all the sex I could ever hope for- oral or otherwise!
Xandir: But-
Jew Producer: No buts!
Toot: Ooh, that's something Xandir doesn't like to hear!
Jew Producer: So sorry, but you won't be buying me off with sexual favors any longer! (He gets up from his desk and walks over to Foxxy. He leers at her seductively.) Unless you'd be willing to do that thing we talked about that one time!
Foxxy: I'd sooner tear your heart out of your chest and trample it with my high-heeled boots!
Jew Producer: No thanks, I'm not into rough sex. (He turns to the others.) Well, I'll see you guys later. I've got a hot date waiting for me- and it's all thanks to the Revolving Door Dating Agency! Ta ta! (Waving at them, he turns and walks out the door. Foxxy, Toot and Xandir stand around looking at each other.)
Foxxy: Now do you believe that?
Toot: Goddammit! I don't think I've ever been this pissed off about something!
Xandir: Is this where we cut to a montage of all the various times Toot's been really pissed off about something?
Toot: No time for that, Xandir. We've got to think!
Foxxy: All right, y'all. Let's look at this situation analytically. Now normally, whenever the producer won't give us what we want, we buy him off with sexual favors.
Toot: Right. But now that he's joined this computer dating service, he doesn't need our sexual favors anymore.
Foxxy: Right. So what we have to do is make him need our sexual favors again. Therefore... we gots to sabotage the success he's having with this computer dating service!
Toot: Perfect! (She grabs an axe and holds it threateningly.) We'll go down to that agency and smash all their computers to bits! (She laughs maniacally.) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Foxxy: Or... we could just hack into their database and start setting him up with a bunch of icky girls!
Toot: (putting the axe down) Yeah, that might be more practical.
Foxxy: Now, then, given that Spanky is FROM the internet, I'm sure HE'D be able to do it for us!
Cut to Spanky sitting at his computer.
Spanky: I have no idea how to hack into the database!
Toot: Oh, come on, Spanky, how can you not know how to hack something? You're an internet character!
Spanky: Hey, I'm strictly the on-air talent- I have no idea how the stuff behind the scenes works! (Toot and Foxxy sigh.) Now if you need me to look up some porn for you- now THERE I might be able to help you out.
Toot: No, thanks, Spanky. (She walks away frustrated.)
Spanky: Suit yourself. (He turns back to the computer. Foxxy is still standing there. After a moment, Spanky notices her presence and turns to her.)
Foxxy: Japanese schoolgirl midget porn. Now where would I- (Toot walks back over.)
Toot: Foxxy!
Foxxy: (to Spanky) We'll talk later.
Spanky: I'll tell you guys what. I can keep working on this for you. Maybe I'll figure out a way to hack the system for you.
Toot: Thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: Now what's the name of that place again?
Toot: The Revolving Door Computer Dating Agency.
Spanky: You wouldn't know what the website address would be, would you?
Toot: Haven't got a clue.
Spanky: Let's try something. Okay... (He begins typing.) We'll try... www dot lonely losers who can't get a date in the real world or possibly creepy pedophile stalkers in search of their next victims... dot com. (We hear a bleep from the computer.) Oh, that was it!
Toot: So now what do we do?
Spanky: Well, given that the menu doesn't give you an option for "hack into the system", I'm kind of at a loss here.
Toot: Well, maybe once you navigate through all the pop-up ads and finally get to the main menu, it'll be a little clearer. What's the point of all those ads anyway?
Spanky: It's how they make their money, Toot. Well, that and merchandise.
Toot: Well, yeah, I can see that for SOME of them. But some of these ads are for the site itself! What's the point of that? I mean, you're already there!
Foxxy: I guess they want to make sure you don't leave.
Toot: (sarcastically) Leave? Why would I ever want to leave this site? Especially when they're offering fantastic deals like, "The Adultery Package- sign up for a membership and your cheating partner gets a 50% discount!"
Foxxy: Yeah, or this one. "The Catholic Priest Package- half-height means half-price!"
Toot: (laughing) I know! Or this one. "The Matrimony Package- if you and your selected partner as chosen by our computers end up getting married, Revolving Door will pay for your entire wedding!" (Toot suddenly stops laughing.) Oh, my God.
Foxxy: Toot, is you thinking what I think you's thinking?
Toot does not answer. She stands silent for a moment, lost in thought. Suddenly an evil grin breaks out across her face. She begins to laugh maniacally.
Foxxy: Okay. You are.
Toot looks at Foxxy, still grinning. The scene fades.
The scene fades back up on the living room. Toot, Marty, Foxxy, and Hero are gathered around talking.
Toot (in confessional): (still grinning wickedly) And so... we began to hatch our plan. (She begins rubbing her fingers together.) Hee hee hee!
Suddenly Wooldoor pops out from behind the confessional chair.
Wooldoor (in confessional): Yeah! They're all gonna die! (He cocks a revolver.)
Toot (in confessional): Wrong episode, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I'm sorry, the moment just seemed so similar! (He looks at her.) Does that mean no candy this time?
Cut back to the living room.
Toot: And then we announce our engagement, Revolving Door has another success story to promote, and best of all, we get a free wedding!
Marty: Well, it does SEEM like a sound plan.
Toot: Of course it is!
Foxxy: Now hold on a minute, Toot. It said in the ad that you and your partner had to be chosen by the computers. How are you going to make sure you and Marty get set up with one another?
Toot: I was just thinking I'd serial date for a while until Marty's turn came up. I mean, I'm sure they'd put him with me sooner or later! (Marty looks alarmed. Toot turns to him.) Don't worry. I promise I won't put out.
Marty: Uh... thanks.
Hero: Or... when you're filling out your survey and they ask what kind of guy you're looking for, you could just describe Marty!
Toot: Hey, yeah! And if he describes me on HIS survey... why, they couldn't ask for a more perfect match than that!
Hero: And that little questionnaire they do... you could just make sure that all your answers match Marty's!
Toot: How are we going to do that? We don't even know what the questions are going to be.
Hero: I know! Foxxy and I will go in first. I'll use my mind-reading ability to find out what her answers are and then I'll tailor mine to match hers. THEN we'll come back and tell you two what the questions are!
Marty: Or... Toot and I could just take the test at different times and we could tell each OTHER what the questions are.
Toot: No, we need to take the test at the same time. I don't want to risk either of us getting paired up with someone else while the other is still waiting to take the test.
Marty: It just seems to me that my way leaves a smaller gap for sitcom-ish misunderstandings.
Toot: Then it's settled- we'll do it Hero's way! You and Foxxy can go take the test-
Foxxy: Now hold up! Who said that the Foxxy even wanted to be a part of this?
Toot: You want Hero to register for a dating service by himself?
Foxxy: Point taken.
Hero: And besides, Foxxy- we can get them to pay for OUR wedding too!
Foxxy: But the Jew Producer already promised me he'd pay for our wedding!
Toot: And as we all know, his promises are soooooooooo reliable!
Foxxy: Good point. (She turns to Hero.) I'm in.
Toot (in confessional): So Hero and Foxxy went down to the agency to take their tests. Naturally, Hero didn't remember what any of the questions were, but thankfully, Foxxy wrote them down on her vagina. (She pauses for a moment. She then looks directly at the camera.) You don't want to know.
Cut to a strip mall downtown. We see Toot and Marty walking down the sidewalk. They stop in front of a small building. The sign on the glass has the words "Domino's Pizza" crossed out with the words "Revolving Door Computer Dating Agency" written underneath. Toot and Marty look at each other.
Toot: Marty, I have a bad feeling about this. You don't suppose...?
Marty: No. It's impossible.
Toot begins to open the door, but stops.
Toot: Maybe the two of us shouldn't enter at the same time. I mean, we kind of want to look like we're not already together.
Marty: Good idea. You go in first.
Toot nods and steps inside cautiously. Immediately, the smile leaves her face.
Toot: Oh, fuck me.
The camera cuts to reveal that behind the counter is none other than Chad. He responds to Toot with his usual perkiness.
Chad: Toot! Long time no see!
Toot: Hi, Chad. (She sighs in frustration.)
Chad: So what brings you here today? Oh, let me guess. You came here for a pizza. Yeah, sorry, but they don't make those here anymore. I know the pizza ovens are still here, but I'm using them to dry my clothes. (He pulls out a small moldy canister from behind the counter.) There's still some pepperoni here if you want, though!
As Toot continues to just stare, Marty enters.
Chad: Marty! (As soon as Marty sees Chad, his face immediately forms a scowl.)
Marty: Oh, dear God!
Chad: Wow! I'm just running into all kinds of old friends here today!
Marty: You have friends?
Chad: Well... I mean friends as in people I know somewhat well. I've really only had a couple of TRUE friends in my life. Of course, that one guy did hang himself, but I don't think that was COMPLETELY my fault... I'm sure that suicide note accusing me of ruining his life was mostly tongue in cheek. (He laughs.) That Doug was such a cut-up! And then there was Ahmed, my pen pal in Iraq. You know, I haven't heard from him in a while. I wonder if he got that suicide bomber position he was applying for...
Marty: Chad, how the hell is it you keep being not brutally murdered?
Chad: You got me! So what are you here today for, Marty? Toot came by for a pizza. I guess she didn't realize we don't sell those anymore! But hey, when you're a compulsive overeater like she is, I guess you find it hard to think about anything but food! (He looks at Toot.) Have you ever thought about checking into a support group?
Toot: That's it. (She turns around and begins to walk out.) I don't need a free wedding THIS badly!
Chad: Toot, come back! Where are you going? (He suddenly realizes.) Oh, wait! You came here to sign up for our dating service, didn't you? (Toot turns around.)
Toot: (making donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Chad: Oh, how foolish do I look now!
Marty: (holding up his hand eagerly) Ooh! Can I answer?
Chad: Here, come on. (He motions Toot back to the counter. Reluctantly, she walks back. Chad hands a piece of paper to both Toot and Marty.) Here are your applications... (he hands them each another piece of paper) and here are your basic surveys where you indicate what type of person you're looking for. Now if you'll give me a moment, I'll be right back with your questionnaires! (He turns and starts to walk away. Marty calls him back.)
Marty: Actually, I came here for a pizza.
Chad: Oh, I'm sorry, but we don't sell those anymore! (He holds up the moldy canister he showed Toot earlier.) We have some pepperoni, though!
Marty groans. At that moment, Helen walks in the door and up to the counter.
Helen: Excuse me. I'd like to sign up for your dating service.
Chad: Certainly. Now are you looking to meet a man or a woman?
Helen stares for a moment, confused.
Helen: I... I don't know!
Helen covers her face with her hands and breaks down in tears. As Helen continues to sob, Toot and Marty look at her with pity.
Toot (in confessional): Marty and I took our quizzes, and then we were told that the agency would contact us as soon as we'd been matched up with dates. In the meantime, we found out that the same agency also runs a video dating service as well. Unfortunately, the wedding promotion is only available to couples who are matched by computer. But just for curiosity's sake, Marty, Foxxy, Hero, and I thought we'd check out some other people's videos.
A montage of other customers' videos begins. The videos are all seen one after another.
Denise: Hello, my name is Denise. What kind of guy am I looking for? Someone who's into sex... and someone who has at least a few hundred dollars. If you have less, we can negotiate, it'll just have to be a very short date. And I *am* willing to do bondage, only so long as it's *you* who gets dominated. (She pauses for a minute.) And it'll cost extra. (She pauses again for a minute.) And I don't do oral. (She pauses yet again.) And if you ask me to clean your kitchen, I'll kick your ass. (She pauses.) And then I'll charge you an extra $50 for it.
Mad Libber: Hello! They call me the (name)! I'm looking to meet an attractive (noun) for casual (noun) and discreet (plural noun). I have a gigantic (part of body) and I know how to (verb) it. So just give me a (noun) and I'll (verb) your (part of body or other noun that sounds just as kinky)!
Charlotte the spider: (desperately, with her phone number stitched into her web behind her) Call me!!!
Captain She-Ro: Hi. I'm a single mom with a special needs child who is looking for a man who's attractive, courteous, and well-educated... and preferably one I'm not related to. Ability to overlook my man hands is a must. For our date, I think we should go to Trader Joe's.
Child Services: Hi there. (She begins speaking in a seductive semi-whisper.) I want to give birth to your babies... and then take them away from you!
Strawberry Sweetcake: Hewwo! I'm Strawberry Sweetcake! I'm actually 18, but my small stature and little girl-like appearance appeal to your inner pedophile! (seductively) I go down like candy!
Monkey Man: *looks around, confused*
Board of Education: I'm the Board of Education. I've been so busy trying to keep blacks from passing the SATs that I haven't had time to date. Ironically enough, I only have sex with black women.
Pregnant Bubbles: My name is Bubbles, and I need a new baby daddy!
Maury Povich: I'm Maury, and I'll tell you who your baby daddy is! Cause it'll be ME!
Bleh: "A date with Bleh is a rollercoaster of emotions- but only the good ones!" raves Lou Lumenick of the New York Post. "Bleh never fails to keep romantic partners satisfied!" raves Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times. "Bleh is worth the price of admission!" raves Adam Nayman of Eye Weekly. "Contrived, manipulative, and shamelessly sentimental- but boy, the sex is fantastic!" raves Peter Travers from Rolling Stone. "Bleh reduces all men who are unlucky enough not to date her to a mugging embarrassment!" raves (she becomes excited) Mike Clark of USA TODAY!!!
Dumpy the Medical Waste Man: KILL ME!!! No, seriously, kill me! I'm REALLY into hardcore S&M!
Tori Spelling: (looks confused) What did I do?
Boner: Hi, I'm Boner from Growing Pains. And I'm looking for a woman who can give me a good me!
The camera cuts back to the four rolling their eyes. The scene fades.
Foxxy (in confessional): A couple of days later, Chad called us to tell us that they'd found matches for all of us. Toot smiled all smugly in that way she always does whenever she knows her plan is going to work. And did it work? (She raises her eyebrows and looks directly at the camera.) What do YOU think?
Cut to Foxxy, Hero, Toot, and Marty standing at the agency counter. Chad walks out.
Chad: All right, everybody! Here are your matches!
Chad hands each of them a piece of paper. Each person is smiling as they take their form, but upon looking at it, their looks change to shock and disbelief.
Toot: What the hell? I'm not matched with Marty!
Chad: That's right!
Marty: And I'm not matched with Toot!
Chad: No, you're not, are you?
Foxxy: And I can't believe you didn't put me with Captain Hero!
Everyone turns to Captain Hero expecting him to pitch in with his own complaint. However, Hero stands there looking at the paper confused. The others wait patiently for a moment. Finally, Foxxy speaks up.
Foxxy: Captain Hero?
Hero looks up from the paper and turns to Foxxy.
Hero: (holding out the paper) Foxxy, is this you? (Foxxy pauses for a moment in disbelief.)
Foxxy: No, that ain't me!
Hero: How do you know? It doesn't give any names on here!
Foxxy: Well, for one thing, it says I'm a 34-year-old white woman!
Hero: Oh, that's your age and race? (He looks up, surprised.) I thought this paper was suggesting potential roleplaying fantasies!
Foxxy: (to Chad) It says here that my date is three foot six. I thought I told you assholes I didn't want to be set up with Prince anymore! (She turns to Toot.) So what kind of lame-ass did they set you up with, Toot?
Toot: (looking at the paper intently) Actually... now that I look at this, maybe it isn't so bad. I think there's a chance they may have set me up with Marty after all!
Marty: Really?
Toot: Yeah! It says that my date is a 24-year-old man of average build and Irish heritage! Just like Marty is!
Foxxy: Yes, but Toot, it also says that he's six feet tall.
Toot looks at Marty coyly.
Marty: I didn't lie about my height on my application.
Toot: (wincing) Crap! (She turns to Chad angrily.) All right, Chad, what's the deal? What was the point of taking those quizzes if you were just going to ignore the results and set us up with whoever?
Chad: What are you talking about, Toot? We used the results of your tests to determine your matches!
Toot: But my answers and Marty's matched perfectly!
Marty: And these people don't sound like they match us very well at all!
Chad: Well, of course not! We here at Revolving Door believe that opposites attract! That's why we took the results of your tests and matched you up with the people whose answers were the most different from yours. We believe that variety is a key ingredient in a strong relationship.
Foxxy: Well, WE believe that common ground is an even MORE important ingredient!
Chad: Foxxy, if I had to date someone who was just like me, I think I'd kill myself!
Marty: Chad, I think ANYONE who dates you would feel like that.
Toot: Well, you know what, Chad? We're not interested. (She hands him back the form.) Here. Now take these back and bring us four more tests so we can do it RIGHT this time!
Chad: Sorry, Toot, but I can't do that. Revolving Door rules state that you have to go on at least one date with each match before you're allowed to retest.
Toot: Oh, that is such bulltoot! You know what I think, Chad? I think you do it this way on purpose. You lure people into joining your service by offering the wedding promotion and then you deliberately set them up with people you know they won't be compatible with just so you won't ever have to pay up on it!
Hero: (pointing at Chad menacingly) Fool me once, Chad, shame on you. Fool me twice... double shame on you!
Chad: Hey, I promise you, we're seriously trying to make matches here! For instance, the other day, I set up an 18-year-old virgin with this chainsaw wielding serial killer! (He thinks.) Actually... maybe that wasn't one of our wiser pairings. It ended kinda brutally.
Cut to a restaurant. The chainsaw killer, covered in blood, sits at the dinner table revving up his chainsaw. The girl looks at him.
Girl: Sorry, but I don't do oral.
The chainsaw killer looks down with a hangdog expression on his face. Still frowning, he gets up from the table and sadly walks out of the restaurant. The other patrons look at the girl with disapproval.
Girl: What? What did I do?
As the girl continues to look confused, the other restaurant patrons turn away. The scene changes back to the dating agency.
Foxxy: You know what? Fine. Let's just do this. (The others turn to her surprised.)
Toot: Foxxy, are you serious? You actually think we should go on dates with other people?
Foxxy: The thing just says we have to go on one date. We'll go have dinner with these people, we'll have a bad time, we'll go home. Then tomorrow we'll come back here and do it RIGHT.
Hero: Will we put out? (Foxxy glares at Hero for a moment.)
Foxxy: No!
Toot: Foxxy, are you sure about this?
Foxxy: Yes, Toot. Putting out would definitely be a bad idea.
Toot: No, I meant about following through with this plan.
Foxxy: You were the one that was wanting a free wedding, weren't you?
Toot: Well...
Foxxy: You want the dancing leprechauns or not?
Toot: (turning to Marty) I *do* want the dancing leprechauns, Marty. (She sighs.) Okay. Fine. (She turns to Chad.) Okay, Chad. You win. We'll go on dates with these people.
Chad: Perfect! (He looks at the group.) Now are you guys aware that if you end up getting married, Revolving Door will pay for your wedding?
Toot glares at Chad. She then steps toward him with her hands outstretched as if to strangle him. Foxxy pulls her back.
Foxxy: No, Toot!
Toot: But Foxxy, he deserves it!
Foxxy: No, Toot. You need to go home and get your brass knuckles first. That way it'll be more painful for him!
Toot: Ooh, yeah, good idea!
Still giving Chad evil looks, the others turn and walk out. Chad looks confused for a moment, then shrugs. He then turns around and pulls a pizza out of the large pizza oven behind him. As he eats a slice of pizza, Angelina Jolie walks in.
Angelina: Excuse me. Have any of your matches produced babies yet?
Chad: Not yet!
Angelina: Damn! I'm tired of having to grow my own! (She looks at Chad.) Are there any Mexican couples in your files? I don't have one of THOSE yet.
Chad shrugs. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)